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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:31,001 --> 00:00:32,417 [ticking] 2 00:00:45,376 --> 00:00:49,542 [title music plays] 3 00:02:25,876 --> 00:02:27,001 [over tannoy] Right, Orridge, 4 00:02:27,084 --> 00:02:29,626 Popple, Patel. 5 00:02:30,334 --> 00:02:31,667 9:20. 6 00:02:37,667 --> 00:02:40,251 "..Cannot but feel deeply humbled. 7 00:02:41,167 --> 00:02:43,542 Five years ago, if I may be personal for a moment, 8 00:02:43,626 --> 00:02:46,001 a rather overawed headmaster 9 00:02:46,084 --> 00:02:49,626 of a rather obscure maintained comprehensive school..." 10 00:02:49,709 --> 00:02:51,334 [phone rings] 11 00:02:52,667 --> 00:02:53,709 Stimpson. 12 00:02:53,792 --> 00:02:57,959 [man] Cardington here. Can you make 3:30 Monday or 4:30 Tuesday? 13 00:02:59,001 --> 00:03:01,917 No, 10:35 on Thursday 14 00:03:02,001 --> 00:03:03,834 or 12:10 Friday. 15 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,376 Ah, can't do I'm afraid. 16 00:03:07,251 --> 00:03:08,709 [school bell rings] 17 00:03:08,792 --> 00:03:12,667 Or we could say 11:10 Friday week. 18 00:03:12,751 --> 00:03:15,001 That's fine for me. Is that okay for you? 19 00:03:15,626 --> 00:03:17,334 Don't run! 20 00:03:17,417 --> 00:03:19,001 Sharon Seeds... 21 00:03:19,084 --> 00:03:20,084 9:20. 22 00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:27,042 "Arrived at the annual meeting for the first time, 23 00:03:27,126 --> 00:03:29,417 amazed to find himself invited 24 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:33,834 to become one of your very select handful of additional members." 25 00:03:33,917 --> 00:03:35,501 - [knock on door] - Come in! 26 00:03:35,584 --> 00:03:39,667 "He listened to the headmasters of schools with great and glorious names... 27 00:03:39,751 --> 00:03:42,709 Come in! "Great and glorious names..." 28 00:03:42,792 --> 00:03:43,626 Headmaster... 29 00:03:43,709 --> 00:03:46,667 "Eton and Harrow, Winchester and Westminster." 30 00:03:46,751 --> 00:03:49,251 Am I taking 4H in G3 at 10:30? 31 00:03:49,334 --> 00:03:52,917 "As they expatiated upon a variety of weighty matters, 32 00:03:53,001 --> 00:03:56,542 scarcely did our nervous new boy open his mouth..." 33 00:03:56,626 --> 00:03:58,917 Sorry. This is your thing with all the posh schools? 34 00:03:59,001 --> 00:04:00,876 4H in G3 at 10:30. 35 00:04:00,959 --> 00:04:02,209 2:15 okay, Brian? 36 00:04:02,292 --> 00:04:05,501 Joan says I'm taking 4H in G3 at 10:30. 37 00:04:05,584 --> 00:04:08,459 I thought I was taking 4J in J3 at 11:00. 38 00:04:08,542 --> 00:04:11,376 Peter Stiles is taking 4H in G3 at 10:30. 39 00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:12,792 Right, Ted, 2:15. 40 00:04:12,876 --> 00:04:14,459 Slay 'em at the conference, Brian. 41 00:04:14,542 --> 00:04:16,792 Tell all those upper-class ponces 42 00:04:16,876 --> 00:04:19,667 we're gonna hang 'em from the lamp post by their old school ties! 43 00:04:19,751 --> 00:04:21,001 Right! Thank you, Ted! 44 00:04:21,876 --> 00:04:25,292 Ah, you're taking 4G in H3 at 10:35. 45 00:04:25,376 --> 00:04:26,626 Oh, God! 46 00:04:28,376 --> 00:04:31,292 They should try having 4G at Harrow! 47 00:04:31,376 --> 00:04:35,834 "Well, that obscure comprehensive school 48 00:04:36,751 --> 00:04:39,751 was none other than Thomas Tompion." 49 00:04:41,876 --> 00:04:43,459 [school bell rings] 50 00:04:43,542 --> 00:04:47,667 "And that overawed new boy was none other than me. 51 00:04:47,751 --> 00:04:49,376 Little did he dream 52 00:04:49,459 --> 00:04:52,876 that within a few short years he would be standing up here himself 53 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:57,209 as the very first comprehensive school headmaster ever... 54 00:04:58,917 --> 00:05:02,251 to become chairman of the Headmasters' Conference." 55 00:05:02,334 --> 00:05:03,959 Clint! 56 00:05:04,667 --> 00:05:06,751 Where do you think you're going, Clint? 57 00:05:06,834 --> 00:05:09,042 "The Guinness Book of Records"? 58 00:05:09,751 --> 00:05:12,417 Every day this term so far, isn't it, Clint? 59 00:05:14,001 --> 00:05:16,751 Well, don't just stand there, Clint! Run! 60 00:05:20,751 --> 00:05:22,334 9:20, Clint. 61 00:05:24,042 --> 00:05:27,376 And come out from that doorway! Not you! You! 62 00:05:28,084 --> 00:05:30,834 Yes, you! I can see the smoke, you fool! 63 00:05:30,917 --> 00:05:32,542 I can see your feet! 64 00:05:35,751 --> 00:05:36,917 Oh, it's you! 65 00:05:41,167 --> 00:05:44,917 [pupils chatting] 66 00:05:51,959 --> 00:05:54,709 [inspirational music] 67 00:06:18,376 --> 00:06:20,959 Right, now I've got some sad news for you all. 68 00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:24,459 I'm going to be away today. 69 00:06:24,542 --> 00:06:25,542 [pupils] Aah! 70 00:06:25,626 --> 00:06:26,834 I knew you'd be heartbroken! 71 00:06:26,917 --> 00:06:28,709 [laughter] 72 00:06:28,792 --> 00:06:30,751 Right. Now, where am I going? 73 00:06:30,834 --> 00:06:35,542 I am going to the University of Norwich in the fair county of Norfolk. 74 00:06:35,626 --> 00:06:37,542 And why am I going there? 75 00:06:37,626 --> 00:06:41,001 I am going there because that's where this year's annual meeting 76 00:06:41,084 --> 00:06:43,709 of the Headmasters' Conference is being held, 77 00:06:43,792 --> 00:06:47,376 and you can all feel rather proud of yourselves. 78 00:06:47,459 --> 00:06:48,251 [all] Mmm! 79 00:06:48,334 --> 00:06:50,876 Because they don't let just any old headmasters 80 00:06:50,959 --> 00:06:53,667 into the Headmaster's Conference, far from it. 81 00:06:53,751 --> 00:06:57,001 The Headmaster's Conference is the organisation to which 82 00:06:57,084 --> 00:07:00,042 all the great independent schools of this country belong. 83 00:07:00,126 --> 00:07:04,001 Places like Eton and Harrow, Winchester and Westminster. 84 00:07:04,084 --> 00:07:07,334 The fee-paying schools. 85 00:07:07,417 --> 00:07:10,501 The "posh" schools that we all look down our noses at, 86 00:07:10,584 --> 00:07:13,167 and that we'd all send our children to 87 00:07:13,251 --> 00:07:14,876 if only we'd got the money. 88 00:07:14,959 --> 00:07:16,542 [laughter] 89 00:07:17,626 --> 00:07:21,959 They don't usually let in headmasters of common or garden comprehensive schools, 90 00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:23,959 of schools like this one. 91 00:07:24,042 --> 00:07:27,626 So, why you ask, why did they let me in? 92 00:07:27,709 --> 00:07:31,042 Well, I'll tell you why. They let me in because you and I... 93 00:07:32,292 --> 00:07:34,001 all of us together, 94 00:07:34,084 --> 00:07:38,584 have made Thomas Tompion one of the best schools in the country. 95 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:39,584 [screams] 96 00:07:41,751 --> 00:07:43,626 Right, then. But today... 97 00:07:44,709 --> 00:07:45,792 9:20, Linda. 98 00:07:46,334 --> 00:07:49,917 But today is an extra special occasion, 99 00:07:50,001 --> 00:07:51,959 because today, 100 00:07:52,042 --> 00:07:55,792 today I take over as chairman, 101 00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:58,792 chairman of the Headmasters' Conference, 102 00:07:58,876 --> 00:08:01,751 and I shall be the first chairman in the whole of history, 103 00:08:01,834 --> 00:08:03,834 in the whole of history, 104 00:08:04,792 --> 00:08:09,084 who is headmaster of an ordinary, common or garden, state comprehensive school. 105 00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:11,626 So it really is one for the "Guinness Book of Records"! 106 00:08:11,709 --> 00:08:12,792 - [laughter] - Right, then! 107 00:08:12,876 --> 00:08:15,709 So what am I going to tell them in my speech this afternoon? 108 00:08:15,792 --> 00:08:18,501 I'm going to tell them how we did it! 109 00:08:19,209 --> 00:08:21,042 I'm going to tell them how we all decided 110 00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:24,167 that we wanted a well-run, orderly school, 111 00:08:24,251 --> 00:08:29,001 a school where we all knew what we were supposed to be doing, Jimmy Picket! 112 00:08:29,084 --> 00:08:30,334 [laughter] 113 00:08:30,417 --> 00:08:34,209 A school where we all knew which room we were supposed to be doing it in. 114 00:08:34,292 --> 00:08:37,084 I'm not looking at you, Wendy Pilbrow, 115 00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:39,209 or you, Gary Bottoms. 116 00:08:39,292 --> 00:08:40,209 [laughter] 117 00:08:40,292 --> 00:08:44,834 And what we were supposed to be doing it with, Debbie Jones. 118 00:08:44,917 --> 00:08:46,001 [laughter] 119 00:08:46,084 --> 00:08:47,501 And above all, 120 00:08:47,584 --> 00:08:50,709 Clint Ailing and Dean Schreiber, please note... 121 00:08:52,126 --> 00:08:54,292 [laughter] 122 00:08:55,042 --> 00:08:57,501 ..when we were supposed to be doing it!! 123 00:09:01,417 --> 00:09:06,959 Right, Hymn 122, "He Who Would Valiant Be". 124 00:09:22,959 --> 00:09:24,459 [wolf whistle] 125 00:09:24,542 --> 00:09:26,251 [muttering] 126 00:09:26,334 --> 00:09:28,334 [soft cheer] 127 00:09:29,334 --> 00:09:30,876 [laughter] 128 00:09:33,667 --> 00:09:35,667 [girl whispers] One hundred and 22. 129 00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:49,792 [he plays "He Who Would Valiant Be"] 130 00:09:54,876 --> 00:09:59,667 ♪ He who would valiant be 131 00:09:59,751 --> 00:10:03,459 ♪ 'Gainst all disaster 132 00:10:04,209 --> 00:10:08,334 ♪ Let him in constancy 133 00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:12,459 ♪ Follow the Master... ♪ 134 00:10:15,376 --> 00:10:16,626 Oh... 135 00:10:16,709 --> 00:10:18,459 You here again, Gayle? 136 00:10:22,126 --> 00:10:23,751 What are you here for, Shaym? 137 00:10:23,834 --> 00:10:25,292 Don't know. What are you here for? 138 00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:27,917 Oh, I'm... I'm merely... I'm just... 139 00:10:35,126 --> 00:10:36,292 Clint. 140 00:10:41,876 --> 00:10:44,001 Hello, Mrs Stimpson. 141 00:10:47,001 --> 00:10:49,459 Surprised to find you lined up with the... 142 00:10:50,501 --> 00:10:52,292 What have you been...? 143 00:10:52,376 --> 00:10:53,626 What? 144 00:10:53,709 --> 00:10:56,209 Did you overcook the...? [laughs] 145 00:10:56,292 --> 00:10:58,042 - Or were you late getting him his...? - Late? 146 00:10:58,126 --> 00:10:59,667 [boy] Go on, hit 'im in the face! Get 'im on the floor! 147 00:10:59,751 --> 00:11:02,042 - [other boy] Agh! - [boy] Go on, boot 'im! 148 00:11:02,126 --> 00:11:04,251 - Shh! Shh! - [boy] Go on, hit 'im in the face! 149 00:11:04,334 --> 00:11:06,834 - [other boy] Agh! Agh! - [boy] Tear his head off! 150 00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:09,751 If you think 9:20 outside my study means 11:10 151 00:11:09,834 --> 00:11:13,209 in the playground, then you'll be back here at 9:20 every day 152 00:11:13,292 --> 00:11:15,542 until you learn to tell the time! 153 00:11:15,626 --> 00:11:18,501 I told you 9:50. The train's not till 10:25. 154 00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:20,501 What do you want? 155 00:11:20,584 --> 00:11:22,584 Please, sir, it's about starting Greek, sir. 156 00:11:22,667 --> 00:11:24,542 9:20's not starting Greek. 157 00:11:24,626 --> 00:11:27,501 9:20's not being driven to the railway station. 158 00:11:27,584 --> 00:11:28,667 What's 9:20? 159 00:11:28,751 --> 00:11:31,167 - Executions, sir. - Executions. 160 00:11:31,251 --> 00:11:32,417 Mr Jolly? 161 00:11:34,376 --> 00:11:36,876 I used to be like you. Always late. 162 00:11:38,042 --> 00:11:41,584 Oh, yes, forever in the wrong place at the wrong time. 163 00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:46,042 I know what you mean, but I just thought I ought to... 164 00:11:46,126 --> 00:11:47,709 I thought I ought to... 165 00:11:48,251 --> 00:11:49,792 One or two things... 166 00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:52,167 One or two problems... 167 00:11:52,834 --> 00:11:54,042 One or two personal... 168 00:11:54,126 --> 00:11:56,126 I was like some miserable child 169 00:11:56,209 --> 00:11:59,001 wandering round the school, with his calculator in one hand 170 00:11:59,084 --> 00:12:02,209 and his gym shoes in the other, and not the slightest idea 171 00:12:02,292 --> 00:12:03,959 where he's supposed to be. 172 00:12:04,042 --> 00:12:06,251 G3, Leroy! 173 00:12:07,376 --> 00:12:09,417 I know the feeling, but... 174 00:12:09,501 --> 00:12:10,584 We all go through it, John. 175 00:12:10,667 --> 00:12:12,084 We all get lost. 176 00:12:13,417 --> 00:12:15,542 I'm afraid I've got into... 177 00:12:16,542 --> 00:12:18,626 Well... I've got into... 178 00:12:18,709 --> 00:12:20,042 Bed, John. 179 00:12:20,709 --> 00:12:23,667 Oh, no, no, no. No, nothing like that! 180 00:12:24,792 --> 00:12:25,667 Well... 181 00:12:25,751 --> 00:12:27,959 Try getting out of it earlier in the morning. 182 00:12:28,042 --> 00:12:29,251 Oh, yes! 183 00:12:30,209 --> 00:12:31,167 But the thing is this... 184 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:36,209 Because the first step to knowing who we are is knowing where we are 185 00:12:36,292 --> 00:12:38,876 and when we are! 186 00:12:42,334 --> 00:12:44,584 [pupils clamouring] 187 00:12:45,917 --> 00:12:47,042 [clamouring stops abruptly] 188 00:12:51,334 --> 00:12:52,876 I could drive you there. 189 00:12:52,959 --> 00:12:54,709 The train doesn't go till 10:25. 190 00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:57,084 You're ashamed of me, aren't you? 191 00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,584 You could go over to the hospital. 192 00:12:59,334 --> 00:13:01,917 Don't tell me you're not allowed to take wives, 193 00:13:02,001 --> 00:13:04,376 because if you're the chairman, you are. 194 00:13:04,459 --> 00:13:05,667 I know that. 195 00:13:20,792 --> 00:13:23,334 You could take some of your old ladies out for a drive. 196 00:13:24,292 --> 00:13:27,959 I don't have to come to the dinner if that's what you're worrying about. 197 00:13:28,042 --> 00:13:29,542 [engine starts] 198 00:13:29,626 --> 00:13:32,751 I could go out and get a hamburger on my own. 199 00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:42,042 [Brian] This is a historic moment. 200 00:13:42,126 --> 00:13:44,917 I stand before you today as your new chairman. 201 00:13:45,001 --> 00:13:48,667 I said I could go out and get a hamburger in McDonald's. 202 00:13:48,751 --> 00:13:52,626 Good, good. And did Paul get off to school on time? 203 00:14:07,167 --> 00:14:09,667 - Right. So you'll find somewhere to park. - Park? 204 00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:12,417 Make sure the train's running. 205 00:14:12,501 --> 00:14:14,542 If it's not, you'll have to drive me there. 206 00:14:21,667 --> 00:14:23,334 [woman on tannoy] Platform 3 207 00:14:23,417 --> 00:14:26,001 for the 10:25 to Norwich. 208 00:14:26,084 --> 00:14:28,917 Calling at... [continues speaking indistinctly] 209 00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:38,834 Right, Norwich. We're on time today, are we? 210 00:14:38,917 --> 00:14:39,917 On the left. 211 00:14:40,001 --> 00:14:40,834 Right. 212 00:14:41,876 --> 00:14:43,459 On the left, guv'nor. Train on the left. 213 00:14:43,542 --> 00:14:46,876 Glen Scully and Mandy Kostakis! 214 00:14:46,959 --> 00:14:51,334 [tannoy] Platform 3 for the 10:25 to Norwich. 215 00:14:51,417 --> 00:14:52,376 Yes! 216 00:14:54,959 --> 00:14:56,251 Right. 217 00:14:56,334 --> 00:14:59,001 Tomorrow then, 9:20! 218 00:14:59,084 --> 00:15:03,126 [tannoy] Platform 4 for the 10:28 to Plymouth. 219 00:15:03,209 --> 00:15:04,584 Right. 220 00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:06,084 On the left, then. 221 00:15:06,167 --> 00:15:07,042 Right. 222 00:15:07,126 --> 00:15:08,584 - Right? - Right. 223 00:15:08,667 --> 00:15:09,751 Right. 224 00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:29,126 This is a historic moment. 225 00:15:30,042 --> 00:15:32,709 I stand before you today 226 00:15:32,792 --> 00:15:34,792 as your new chairman, 227 00:15:34,876 --> 00:15:37,334 something that few of us 228 00:15:37,417 --> 00:15:41,292 ever expected to see happen in our lifetime. 229 00:15:41,376 --> 00:15:42,459 [chuckles] 230 00:15:51,876 --> 00:15:52,917 Uh... 231 00:15:53,001 --> 00:15:56,834 Something that few of us ever expected to see in our lifetime. 232 00:16:01,584 --> 00:16:03,542 [guard's whistle blows] 233 00:16:05,334 --> 00:16:07,292 This is the train to Norwich? 234 00:16:07,376 --> 00:16:09,292 - Plymouth. - Plymouth?! 235 00:16:09,376 --> 00:16:10,334 That was Norwich on the left. 236 00:16:10,417 --> 00:16:11,334 Oh! 237 00:16:20,251 --> 00:16:21,667 Wait! Stop! 238 00:16:24,626 --> 00:16:25,709 Wait! 239 00:16:30,376 --> 00:16:31,501 Right! 240 00:16:33,334 --> 00:16:34,917 The 10:25 to Norwich? 241 00:16:35,001 --> 00:16:36,917 - You've missed it. - It's on time? It is running? 242 00:16:37,001 --> 00:16:39,834 - It's run, it's gone, that's it. - That's all right then. 243 00:16:43,251 --> 00:16:44,376 Gwenda! 244 00:16:48,626 --> 00:16:50,917 Can't you tell the difference between left and right? 245 00:16:51,001 --> 00:16:52,501 You said Norwich. 246 00:16:52,584 --> 00:16:54,126 That's Plymouth! 247 00:16:54,209 --> 00:16:55,292 You didn't want Norwich? 248 00:16:55,376 --> 00:16:56,626 [guard's whistle blows] 249 00:16:57,584 --> 00:16:58,751 The speech! 250 00:16:58,834 --> 00:17:00,751 Speech? What, now? 251 00:17:02,834 --> 00:17:04,751 Wait! Stop! 252 00:17:05,834 --> 00:17:08,292 They've asked me to do some damned silly things as I've stood 'ere, 253 00:17:08,376 --> 00:17:10,667 but no one's ever asked me to make a speech before. 254 00:17:12,126 --> 00:17:14,126 Come on! Try this one then. 255 00:17:14,209 --> 00:17:15,626 Plymouth, this one. 256 00:17:16,959 --> 00:17:19,251 Speech! Speech! 257 00:17:19,334 --> 00:17:21,542 Please, could you just give me the speech? 258 00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:24,417 Oh, please! 259 00:17:30,292 --> 00:17:31,376 Right! 260 00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:33,042 He's back. 261 00:17:33,792 --> 00:17:35,667 Do you want the speech before you go, do you? 262 00:17:35,751 --> 00:17:38,709 - Norwich? - My lords, ladies and gentlemen... 263 00:17:38,792 --> 00:17:40,126 Next one to Norwich? 264 00:17:40,209 --> 00:17:42,709 - 2:47, change at Peterborough. - Oh! 265 00:17:44,501 --> 00:17:46,001 He didn't like it. 266 00:17:49,042 --> 00:17:50,042 Gwenda! 267 00:17:58,709 --> 00:17:59,917 Gwenda! 268 00:18:00,709 --> 00:18:02,084 Wait! 269 00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:06,709 - Thank you. - Stop! 270 00:18:17,292 --> 00:18:20,667 Keep going, guv'nor. It's never too late till the last moment's gone. 271 00:18:22,042 --> 00:18:23,667 Just so long... 272 00:18:23,751 --> 00:18:26,542 just so long as your wife hasn't taken the car. 273 00:18:33,709 --> 00:18:34,751 Aaah! 274 00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:39,876 [horn honks] 275 00:18:41,959 --> 00:18:43,042 Um... 276 00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:47,251 Gwenda? 277 00:18:50,667 --> 00:18:52,251 Gwenda? 278 00:18:52,334 --> 00:18:53,334 No! 279 00:18:53,417 --> 00:18:55,542 - Where the hell is she? - Um... 280 00:18:55,626 --> 00:18:58,126 - Oh, you're here. Where's Mum? - Er? 281 00:18:58,209 --> 00:19:01,084 - Don't tell me, "At the school." - Yeah, I think she... 282 00:19:01,167 --> 00:19:04,209 I know she was at the school, you idiot! Where'd she go after that? 283 00:19:04,292 --> 00:19:06,292 - Don't say the station! - Yeah, I think she said... 284 00:19:06,376 --> 00:19:08,501 God, give me strength! 285 00:19:11,209 --> 00:19:13,042 Well, where is she now? 286 00:19:18,876 --> 00:19:22,376 She's not at the hospital? She's not driving old ladies round the countryside? 287 00:19:22,459 --> 00:19:25,084 - Dunno, she might have said... - She's at the hospital! Huh! 288 00:19:30,417 --> 00:19:31,792 Why aren't you at school? 289 00:19:31,876 --> 00:19:33,959 Ah, well, I've got a... 290 00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:37,251 You've got a free. Of course, you've got a free. Only you haven't got a free. 291 00:19:37,334 --> 00:19:40,542 - No, I've got a... - You've got a study period! 292 00:19:43,126 --> 00:19:45,209 I've got a hangover! 293 00:19:49,251 --> 00:19:51,959 Taxi, taxi, taxi! 294 00:20:04,501 --> 00:20:05,626 Taxi! 295 00:20:09,126 --> 00:20:09,792 Uh... 296 00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:21,376 Please, sir... I'm terribly sorry, Mr Stimpson, sir. 297 00:20:21,459 --> 00:20:22,709 Laura. Laura? 298 00:20:24,751 --> 00:20:25,667 Laura! 299 00:20:25,751 --> 00:20:28,126 I'm sorry, Mr Stimpson. I've got a free. 300 00:20:28,209 --> 00:20:30,917 Right! Laura, hospital. 301 00:20:31,001 --> 00:20:32,584 Oh! 302 00:20:48,417 --> 00:20:50,709 Right, not far out of your way. 303 00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:54,334 It's not a free, Laura, it's a study period. 304 00:20:54,417 --> 00:20:57,501 Study periods are not frees. 305 00:20:58,834 --> 00:21:01,626 - This is your parents' car, is it, Laura? - They don't mind. 306 00:21:01,709 --> 00:21:03,751 You've got A-levels this year, Laura. 307 00:21:03,834 --> 00:21:06,167 You can't afford to go driving round the district in study periods. 308 00:21:06,251 --> 00:21:08,834 You're a prefect. You should be setting an example. 309 00:21:08,917 --> 00:21:10,542 Right, left! 310 00:21:21,792 --> 00:21:24,042 Right, wait here. 311 00:21:25,292 --> 00:21:27,459 Do you mind waiting? I don't know where she goes. 312 00:21:27,542 --> 00:21:29,376 I'm only missing biology. 313 00:21:40,917 --> 00:21:42,667 [Gwenda] Through the door. 314 00:21:42,751 --> 00:21:45,542 [Mrs Trellis] Now, the liqueur glasses came to me from my mother. 315 00:21:45,626 --> 00:21:48,917 - Mind the step. - So Jeanie's always had her eye on them. 316 00:21:49,001 --> 00:21:54,501 So she said, "Ellie, it's no use letting Lou have the sherry glasses. 317 00:21:55,251 --> 00:21:59,084 She won't appreciate them, she won't polish them. 318 00:21:59,167 --> 00:22:02,126 You know what she's like." So I said, "Well, all right. 319 00:22:02,209 --> 00:22:06,126 I've no desire to burden people with possessions they don't want," I said. 320 00:22:06,209 --> 00:22:08,667 "That's not my intention and never has been." 321 00:22:08,751 --> 00:22:12,917 So naturally, she thought if the sherry glasses aren't going to Lou, 322 00:22:13,001 --> 00:22:14,917 they'd be going to Pam. 323 00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:17,209 But I thought to myself, 324 00:22:17,292 --> 00:22:18,876 "Wait a moment, Ellie." 325 00:22:18,959 --> 00:22:21,376 Keep moving, Mrs Trellis, nearly there. 326 00:22:21,459 --> 00:22:23,626 "Hold on a moment, Ellie," I thought. 327 00:22:23,709 --> 00:22:25,542 Are we going to the hospital? 328 00:22:25,626 --> 00:22:27,667 We're at the hospital, Mrs Wheel. 329 00:22:27,751 --> 00:22:30,751 We're just going to have a little look at the country. 330 00:22:30,834 --> 00:22:33,417 How lovely! Ooh, isn't that lovely? 331 00:22:33,501 --> 00:22:35,959 "Not so fast, Ellie," I thought. 332 00:22:36,042 --> 00:22:39,042 "If Pam gets them, she'll give them to Babs 333 00:22:39,126 --> 00:22:41,876 and we all know what she'll do with them." 334 00:22:41,959 --> 00:22:43,709 Aren't we lucky? 335 00:22:43,792 --> 00:22:47,001 - Are we going to the hospital? - Don't worry, Mrs Wheel. 336 00:22:47,084 --> 00:22:48,626 We'll come back to the hospital 337 00:22:48,709 --> 00:22:52,042 just as soon as we've had a little look at the countryside. 338 00:22:52,126 --> 00:22:54,209 And then I thought, "Well, hold on! 339 00:22:54,292 --> 00:22:56,292 Millie's living in Majorca! 340 00:22:57,126 --> 00:23:01,334 Well, what on earth is she going to do with two dozen sherry glasses?" 341 00:23:01,417 --> 00:23:05,917 So I thought, "Even if she wants them, how should we ever get them to her? 342 00:23:06,001 --> 00:23:07,834 In Majorca?" I thought. 343 00:23:08,667 --> 00:23:10,709 Aren't we lucky people? 344 00:23:13,876 --> 00:23:15,084 Thank you. 345 00:23:19,667 --> 00:23:21,626 [Mrs Trellis] Well, maybe I'm old-fashioned, 346 00:23:21,709 --> 00:23:24,501 maybe I don't understand modern ideas about 347 00:23:24,584 --> 00:23:26,834 give them this, give them that. 348 00:23:26,917 --> 00:23:30,001 But what does it matter? Let them smash it all up. 349 00:23:30,084 --> 00:23:32,959 But to my mind, sherry glasses are a... 350 00:23:33,042 --> 00:23:35,626 [car pulls away] 351 00:23:37,334 --> 00:23:39,584 We've missed her. She's gone! 352 00:23:46,376 --> 00:23:47,584 Which way then? 353 00:23:48,876 --> 00:23:50,751 [horn honks] 354 00:23:50,834 --> 00:23:52,626 Left or right, Mr Stimpson? 355 00:23:52,709 --> 00:23:54,417 Laura, Laura. 356 00:23:54,501 --> 00:23:57,042 - [horn honks] - Will you drive me to Norwich? 357 00:23:57,126 --> 00:23:58,334 Okay. Where is it? 358 00:23:58,417 --> 00:24:00,834 It's vital, you see, Laura. I shouldn't ask you otherwise. 359 00:24:00,917 --> 00:24:02,417 It's the Headmasters' Conference. 360 00:24:02,501 --> 00:24:03,626 I'm the first headmaster 361 00:24:03,709 --> 00:24:07,251 of a maintained comprehensive school ever, in the whole of history, 362 00:24:07,334 --> 00:24:09,209 to become chairman of the Headmasters' Conference. 363 00:24:09,292 --> 00:24:11,376 - Just tell me where it is. - It's not far. 364 00:24:11,459 --> 00:24:12,876 [horns honking impatiently] 365 00:24:12,959 --> 00:24:14,459 Not all that far. 366 00:24:14,542 --> 00:24:17,417 - Not too far. - I mean, left or right? 367 00:24:17,501 --> 00:24:18,792 Oh, right. 368 00:24:18,876 --> 00:24:20,167 Left! 369 00:24:21,084 --> 00:24:23,167 No, no, no! Right! 370 00:24:24,042 --> 00:24:25,167 Right! 371 00:24:34,584 --> 00:24:37,251 - 163 miles. - Right. 372 00:24:37,334 --> 00:24:39,292 We'll have to ring your mum. 373 00:24:39,376 --> 00:24:41,501 Ah, they've got a phone here. I'd better speak to her myself. 374 00:24:41,584 --> 00:24:42,917 I'll do it. 375 00:24:43,001 --> 00:24:45,917 I mean, not if she's the slightest bit worried about it, Laura. 376 00:24:46,001 --> 00:24:48,209 I'll pay for the petrol, of course. 377 00:25:00,584 --> 00:25:02,834 This is a historic moment. 378 00:25:03,876 --> 00:25:07,334 We are going a long way... Uh, we have come a long way. 379 00:25:07,417 --> 00:25:10,709 We are going 163 miles. 380 00:25:10,792 --> 00:25:13,001 John, listen to me, I'm going away. 381 00:25:13,834 --> 00:25:15,084 It's over. 382 00:25:16,251 --> 00:25:17,334 No. 383 00:25:17,417 --> 00:25:19,084 - [Brian] Five hours ago... - Norwich. 384 00:25:19,167 --> 00:25:22,792 ..if I may be personal for a moment, I was feeling deeply historic. 385 00:25:24,126 --> 00:25:27,834 Five "years" ago, if I may be historic for a moment, 386 00:25:27,917 --> 00:25:30,626 I was feeling deeply humble. 387 00:25:30,709 --> 00:25:35,251 An overawed master from an obscure comprehensive school... 388 00:25:35,334 --> 00:25:38,376 [Mrs Trellis] Every time she comes to the house, she makes some little remark. 389 00:25:38,459 --> 00:25:40,376 "Oh, Ellie," she goes, 390 00:25:40,459 --> 00:25:43,709 "it must take you ages to dust all your glasses. I don't know how you do it. 391 00:25:43,792 --> 00:25:46,751 I'm sure I shouldn't like to have all those glasses to dust." 392 00:25:46,834 --> 00:25:49,542 She goes on and on about those glasses, never stops. 393 00:25:49,626 --> 00:25:51,959 I sometimes wonder if she ever thinks about anything else. 394 00:25:52,042 --> 00:25:54,751 She certainly never talks about anything else. 395 00:25:54,834 --> 00:25:56,542 Of course, I don't say a word. 396 00:25:57,626 --> 00:26:02,084 I'm not much of a talker. There's plenty I could say if I wanted to. 397 00:26:02,167 --> 00:26:03,876 Well, like that clock. 398 00:26:04,709 --> 00:26:06,126 That came to her, 399 00:26:06,209 --> 00:26:08,126 not that she's ever wound it. 400 00:26:08,209 --> 00:26:11,459 Not that she's so much as looked at it, from that day to this. 401 00:26:17,126 --> 00:26:18,209 Laura, what did she say? 402 00:26:18,292 --> 00:26:19,542 - Oh, it's okay. - Really? 403 00:26:19,626 --> 00:26:22,876 Got rooms in that house so filled with things that you can't open the door. 404 00:26:22,959 --> 00:26:24,876 Doesn't know what she's got herself. 405 00:26:24,959 --> 00:26:27,667 I feel very badly about this, Laura. What are you missing? 406 00:26:28,376 --> 00:26:30,542 - You're missing double biology! - I don't mind. 407 00:26:30,626 --> 00:26:32,501 Well, you should mind. Laura. You've got A-levels 408 00:26:32,584 --> 00:26:35,167 and I'm taking you out of a double biology. 409 00:26:35,251 --> 00:26:36,876 [sighs] Laura, you're going to discover 410 00:26:36,959 --> 00:26:38,876 that life is full of the most terrible moral choices. 411 00:26:38,959 --> 00:26:40,876 [Mrs Trellis] In fact, I said to her the other day, 412 00:26:40,959 --> 00:26:43,167 I said, "You know what's going to happen, don't you? 413 00:26:43,251 --> 00:26:46,167 Someone's got to sort this lot out when you've gone, 414 00:26:46,251 --> 00:26:48,542 and it won't be Dibs, it won't be Lou. 415 00:26:48,626 --> 00:26:50,626 Oh dear, no, it'll be me!" 416 00:26:50,709 --> 00:26:53,042 No one pays the slightest attention to what anyone says. 417 00:26:53,126 --> 00:26:55,292 I don't know why I waste my breath. 418 00:26:55,376 --> 00:26:58,876 I can tell you she's got a clock in that house that came from Mother 419 00:26:58,959 --> 00:27:01,334 that's worth every penny of £100. 420 00:27:01,417 --> 00:27:03,376 It's never been wound from that day to this. 421 00:27:03,459 --> 00:27:05,292 So when she's in the house the other day... 422 00:27:05,376 --> 00:27:08,626 That bloke with the girl, did they pay? They didn't pay! 423 00:27:08,709 --> 00:27:11,709 - They've never paid. - Blue 1100, was it? 424 00:27:11,792 --> 00:27:16,584 Laura Wisely! She lives round the corner. 425 00:27:16,667 --> 00:27:18,501 She's one of his pupils. 426 00:27:18,584 --> 00:27:19,917 How lovely! 427 00:27:20,792 --> 00:27:23,751 I saw the train leave! 428 00:27:23,834 --> 00:27:25,126 Isn't that lovely? 429 00:27:25,209 --> 00:27:27,084 The number! The number! 430 00:27:27,167 --> 00:27:29,376 I don't believe this! There goes another one! 431 00:27:31,209 --> 00:27:33,709 [tyres screech, horns honking] 432 00:27:36,751 --> 00:27:39,001 [Laura] Don't worry, it's okay. Honestly. 433 00:27:40,042 --> 00:27:43,376 If Thomas Tompion is a success story, 434 00:27:43,459 --> 00:27:47,917 it is because we insist upon certain traditional standards. 435 00:27:48,001 --> 00:27:49,167 Speech. 436 00:27:49,251 --> 00:27:50,959 It's on the train. 437 00:27:54,834 --> 00:28:00,001 I should like at this point, if I may, to pause for three hours. 438 00:28:00,084 --> 00:28:03,667 160 miles in three hours... To pause for, 439 00:28:03,751 --> 00:28:05,251 say, three-and-a-half hours. 440 00:28:05,334 --> 00:28:08,001 Three-and-a-half into 160... 441 00:28:08,084 --> 00:28:09,584 It's a good thing, actually. 442 00:28:09,667 --> 00:28:12,417 If you hadn't have come along, I might not be here now. 443 00:28:12,501 --> 00:28:15,501 - [chuckles] - I had this great row with this bloke. 444 00:28:15,584 --> 00:28:18,751 I ran back to the house and I saw the car keys, and I thought, "Right!" 445 00:28:18,834 --> 00:28:23,209 We all understand, I think, that lateness is a discourtesy to others. 446 00:28:23,292 --> 00:28:25,959 What is sometimes forgotten these days 447 00:28:26,042 --> 00:28:29,209 is that it is three-and-a-half into 16. 448 00:28:29,292 --> 00:28:31,376 It's about 50 miles an hour! 449 00:28:31,459 --> 00:28:34,792 He didn't like it when I told him I was driving to Norwich with someone. 450 00:28:34,876 --> 00:28:37,167 "Who?" he said, "Who? Who?" 451 00:28:37,251 --> 00:28:38,792 He's so jealous. 452 00:28:38,876 --> 00:28:41,167 Told "him" you were driving to Norwich? 453 00:28:41,876 --> 00:28:44,709 - You told who you were driving to Norwich? - This bloke. 454 00:28:50,792 --> 00:28:52,917 [Laura] I couldn't ring Mum. She'd have gone mad. 455 00:28:53,001 --> 00:28:55,042 [Brian] But we can't stop again! 456 00:28:55,709 --> 00:28:57,459 And I never paid for the petrol. 457 00:29:00,959 --> 00:29:02,834 - Mrs Wisely? - Police? 458 00:29:02,917 --> 00:29:04,667 No, no, Jolly. Mr Jolly. 459 00:29:04,751 --> 00:29:08,417 I just wondered if Laura was... Are you Laura's... 460 00:29:08,501 --> 00:29:09,667 Police? 461 00:29:09,751 --> 00:29:13,542 Laura's at school, dear. I'm on the phone. The car's been stolen. 462 00:29:13,626 --> 00:29:16,709 - No, it isn't the police. - [man] Who is it then? 463 00:29:16,792 --> 00:29:18,084 It's someone for Laura. 464 00:29:18,167 --> 00:29:20,417 - It's my husband. He's beside himself. - What am I supposed to do? 465 00:29:20,501 --> 00:29:23,667 Well, you'll have to come back and speak to them, give them a description. 466 00:29:23,751 --> 00:29:25,751 I can't give them a description. 467 00:29:25,834 --> 00:29:28,792 Is it a Morris or is it an 1100? I don't know. 468 00:29:28,876 --> 00:29:32,792 He's in such a state, he doesn't know what he's doing. He lives for that car. 469 00:29:32,876 --> 00:29:35,917 He was standing outside in the drive. He goes to pieces. 470 00:29:36,001 --> 00:29:37,751 Is it the anti-nuclear, dear? 471 00:29:37,834 --> 00:29:41,001 No, no, it's just that Laura's not at... 472 00:29:41,084 --> 00:29:44,167 I don't want to alarm you, but just thought I ought to... 473 00:29:44,251 --> 00:29:47,626 Laura, she's disappeared! No one knows where she is. 474 00:29:47,709 --> 00:29:51,417 - You mean, at school? - No, he's just said. 475 00:29:51,501 --> 00:29:53,417 He's here now. He's just told me. 476 00:29:53,501 --> 00:29:55,292 - Who's just told you? - Who are you? 477 00:29:55,376 --> 00:29:57,501 I'm... Well, I'm one of the staff at the... 478 00:29:57,584 --> 00:30:00,334 - He's one of the staff at the... - You know, the music... 479 00:30:00,417 --> 00:30:01,542 He's the music. 480 00:30:05,667 --> 00:30:07,167 He's coming home. 481 00:30:07,251 --> 00:30:10,001 He doesn't know what he's doing. He's going to do someone an injury. 482 00:30:11,292 --> 00:30:13,292 And you've no idea where she is? 483 00:30:13,376 --> 00:30:16,209 Well, does she have any relations or... 484 00:30:16,292 --> 00:30:18,834 You know, I just wondered if she had any sort of... 485 00:30:18,917 --> 00:30:20,959 Well... In Norwich? 486 00:30:21,042 --> 00:30:24,084 - Is this the hospital? - No! 487 00:30:24,167 --> 00:30:26,501 Just wait there. Don't move. 488 00:30:26,584 --> 00:30:28,834 Ooh, doesn't this make a change? 489 00:30:28,917 --> 00:30:32,542 Oh, it's not, it's Mrs... Is that Mrs Stimpson? 490 00:30:32,626 --> 00:30:35,542 - I'm sorry, I just wondered... - Laura's disappeared! 491 00:30:35,626 --> 00:30:37,084 She didn't tell you she was going? 492 00:30:37,167 --> 00:30:39,042 Not a word and the car's been stolen! 493 00:30:39,126 --> 00:30:41,709 I'm so sorry, Mrs Wisely, I'm so sorry. 494 00:30:41,792 --> 00:30:45,459 We're waiting for the police. My husband's out of his mind with worry. 495 00:30:45,542 --> 00:30:46,751 He says... 496 00:30:47,542 --> 00:30:49,251 - that she's in Norwich. - Yes. 497 00:30:49,334 --> 00:30:51,959 I just somehow thought perhaps... Oh, hello, Mrs Stimpson. 498 00:30:52,042 --> 00:30:53,334 I just somehow wondered if... 499 00:30:53,417 --> 00:30:55,792 Of course, everyone knows except me! 500 00:30:55,876 --> 00:30:57,667 Well, Norwich? What can she be doing in Norwich? 501 00:30:57,751 --> 00:30:59,834 I'll tell you what she's doing in Norwich. 502 00:30:59,917 --> 00:31:03,084 She's going to the annual meeting of the Headmasters' Conference. 503 00:31:03,167 --> 00:31:04,501 - Oh, no! - You mean...? 504 00:31:04,584 --> 00:31:06,251 - Yes. - You don't mean...? 505 00:31:06,334 --> 00:31:08,459 Of course, he wouldn't take me. 506 00:31:08,542 --> 00:31:10,959 I said I'd sit in the hotel. I'd eat in McDonald's. 507 00:31:11,042 --> 00:31:13,376 But oh, no! Because he's taking her. 508 00:31:13,459 --> 00:31:16,126 She said it was cello, every evening. I knew it wasn't cello! 509 00:31:16,209 --> 00:31:18,834 - A schoolgirl, a child! - She's got her A-levels! 510 00:31:18,917 --> 00:31:22,292 Oh, look! A little family party. Isn't that nice? 511 00:31:22,376 --> 00:31:25,334 Uh, I think I'd better... I think I must be... 512 00:31:25,417 --> 00:31:28,292 I haven't said anything about his work, work, work. 513 00:31:28,376 --> 00:31:31,542 I haven't said anything about his everlasting Conservative meetings, 514 00:31:31,626 --> 00:31:35,251 - but I'm not going to put up with this. - Which one's the hospital? 515 00:31:35,334 --> 00:31:38,667 The hospital? I think it's along the bypass. 516 00:31:38,751 --> 00:31:41,584 Her father'll kill her! 517 00:31:41,667 --> 00:31:44,084 Can we see over the house? Is it open today? 518 00:31:53,376 --> 00:31:55,084 Get in the car! 519 00:31:56,459 --> 00:31:59,084 I told you to stay in the car. 520 00:31:59,167 --> 00:32:00,959 What a day! 521 00:32:01,042 --> 00:32:03,917 - Where next? - Norwich! 522 00:32:04,001 --> 00:32:06,334 So she said, "What happened to Mother's blue teapot?" 523 00:32:06,417 --> 00:32:08,292 So I said, "Well, you're the last person to ask..." 524 00:32:08,376 --> 00:32:09,501 Where's the other one? 525 00:32:10,917 --> 00:32:14,084 She's in Norwich! She's at a conference of headmasters with the headmaster. 526 00:32:14,167 --> 00:32:17,834 His wife's beside herself and what about her A-levels? We've got to find her, Ted. 527 00:32:17,917 --> 00:32:21,292 You've got to talk to her. Get the car out. Oh, the car's been stolen. 528 00:32:21,376 --> 00:32:24,209 She's taken the car. She can't drive. 529 00:32:28,042 --> 00:32:30,167 Mrs Wisely? Stolen car? 530 00:32:30,251 --> 00:32:32,626 - There! There! - There? 531 00:32:33,584 --> 00:32:34,584 Here! 532 00:32:46,334 --> 00:32:48,542 Now keep calm. Don't go mad. 533 00:32:48,626 --> 00:32:50,459 Well, what are you waiting for? 534 00:32:55,709 --> 00:32:58,292 "Mother's blue teapot indeed," I said. 535 00:32:58,376 --> 00:33:01,376 "Well, you should know, you were the last to see it." 536 00:33:01,459 --> 00:33:04,876 Then the next thing I know, she's eyeing the sherry glasses. 537 00:33:04,959 --> 00:33:07,459 Well, she's always been eyeing the sherry glasses 538 00:33:07,542 --> 00:33:09,542 ever since she first came to the house. 539 00:33:10,292 --> 00:33:12,917 - Ten o'clock in the morning? - What? 540 00:33:13,001 --> 00:33:16,084 You had a row with your boyfriend at ten o'clock in the morning? 541 00:33:16,167 --> 00:33:20,376 - I had a free. - Study periods are for study, Laura. 542 00:33:21,251 --> 00:33:24,542 Evening is the proper time to have rows with your boyfriend. 543 00:33:24,626 --> 00:33:26,417 I couldn't see him in the evening. 544 00:33:26,501 --> 00:33:28,917 Does the sun ever appear late over the horizon, 545 00:33:29,001 --> 00:33:32,376 saying, "Please, sir, the bus was full, the train was on strike"? 546 00:33:32,459 --> 00:33:34,376 His wife wouldn't let him go out in the evening. 547 00:33:34,459 --> 00:33:37,709 If the sun depended on public transport to arrive each day... 548 00:33:37,792 --> 00:33:38,959 His wife?! 549 00:33:39,042 --> 00:33:41,001 It's okay. He didn't get on with her. 550 00:33:45,584 --> 00:33:48,501 I suppose you have passed the driving test, Laura? 551 00:33:48,584 --> 00:33:51,167 - As good as. - What's that supposed to mean? 552 00:33:51,251 --> 00:33:53,834 - I only failed on one thing. - Right, pull in! 553 00:33:54,626 --> 00:33:56,542 Now please, at once! 554 00:34:08,376 --> 00:34:10,917 Let's get one thing straight at any rate. 555 00:34:15,751 --> 00:34:17,334 Get in the other side. 556 00:34:23,292 --> 00:34:24,709 [policeman] Blue 1100. 557 00:34:24,792 --> 00:34:27,084 A million blue 1100s. 558 00:34:27,167 --> 00:34:29,251 A middle-aged man and a girl. 559 00:34:32,959 --> 00:34:35,084 That's life, I'm afraid, Laura. 560 00:34:35,167 --> 00:34:38,084 You can drive, but you haven't passed the test. 561 00:34:38,167 --> 00:34:41,959 I, on the other hand, have passed the test but wouldn't claim... 562 00:34:42,042 --> 00:34:43,584 [metal crashing] 563 00:35:18,209 --> 00:35:19,542 [horn beeps] 564 00:35:46,626 --> 00:35:48,292 - [glass smashes] - Whoa! 565 00:35:54,417 --> 00:35:56,792 Don't worry, we'll just pull the wing away from the wheel. 566 00:35:56,876 --> 00:35:58,501 She'll be all right. 567 00:35:59,501 --> 00:36:01,667 It'll all be covered, Laura. Your dad's insurance. 568 00:36:03,209 --> 00:36:05,126 I'm the one they'll summons. 569 00:36:05,209 --> 00:36:07,084 I'm the one who'll have to tell your dad. 570 00:36:07,167 --> 00:36:10,542 Yes, and another thing. Have you stopped for petrol anywhere? 571 00:36:10,626 --> 00:36:12,542 [glass smashes] 572 00:36:13,792 --> 00:36:15,167 Petrol? 573 00:36:18,084 --> 00:36:20,042 No, we filled it up yesterday. 574 00:36:22,626 --> 00:36:23,667 Um! 575 00:36:25,001 --> 00:36:26,084 Didn't we, Laura? 576 00:36:48,917 --> 00:36:52,292 No! That's part of our car! 577 00:36:58,876 --> 00:37:01,334 [metal rattling] 578 00:37:01,417 --> 00:37:03,917 It's jangling all about, I can hear it. 579 00:37:04,792 --> 00:37:06,417 It's scratching the paint. 580 00:37:06,501 --> 00:37:09,751 We must find a phone, warn them I'm not going to be there until four. 581 00:37:10,917 --> 00:37:13,876 Does the tide ever go out during a study period, saying, 582 00:37:13,959 --> 00:37:16,834 "Please, sir, I'm having a row with my boyfriend"? 583 00:37:19,417 --> 00:37:21,834 It isn't someone on the staff, is it? 584 00:37:22,834 --> 00:37:24,334 It's not Mr Slidewell? 585 00:37:28,584 --> 00:37:29,709 Mr Fellowdew? 586 00:37:34,834 --> 00:37:36,501 - It's not Mr Jolly? - No! 587 00:37:37,626 --> 00:37:39,167 I wasn't anywhere near him. 588 00:37:40,251 --> 00:37:43,209 You realise if you're not licensed, we're not insured. 589 00:37:44,001 --> 00:37:45,542 12:59. 590 00:37:49,667 --> 00:37:51,584 Phone! Here we are. 591 00:38:02,167 --> 00:38:04,417 10p. Have you got 10p? 592 00:38:13,584 --> 00:38:17,084 All right then, in the third race tipping number four for a win and number seven... 593 00:38:17,167 --> 00:38:18,751 Sorry! 594 00:38:42,209 --> 00:38:43,959 [dialling tone] 595 00:38:51,001 --> 00:38:52,751 [tapping, dialling tone] 596 00:39:04,042 --> 00:39:06,001 [woman] University of Norwich. 597 00:39:06,084 --> 00:39:10,542 [pips beeping] 598 00:39:23,876 --> 00:39:25,334 [sighs] 599 00:39:31,834 --> 00:39:34,959 They're vandalising those phones again, Pat! 600 00:39:35,042 --> 00:39:37,126 All right, Mum, just going! 601 00:39:37,209 --> 00:39:39,917 - When's lunch? - Now. Granny's just getting it. 602 00:39:40,001 --> 00:39:41,751 Tell Tom and Boo lunch is on the table. 603 00:39:41,834 --> 00:39:44,209 The phones, Pat! 604 00:39:44,917 --> 00:39:46,959 They're at the phones again. 605 00:39:47,917 --> 00:39:49,709 Just put my woolly on. 606 00:39:51,834 --> 00:39:53,626 [woman] University of Norwich. 607 00:39:53,709 --> 00:39:56,084 [pips beeping] 608 00:40:22,251 --> 00:40:23,959 A girl and a boy. 609 00:40:24,042 --> 00:40:27,084 He's showing off his muscles and she's egging him on. 610 00:40:27,167 --> 00:40:29,792 I'll try and keep them talking till the police get here. 611 00:40:29,876 --> 00:40:31,209 - Sergeant Potter speaking. - Yes... 612 00:40:36,042 --> 00:40:37,167 [pips beeping] 613 00:40:37,251 --> 00:40:38,667 [woman] University of Norwich. 614 00:40:38,751 --> 00:40:39,917 Thank God, look... 615 00:40:40,001 --> 00:40:42,209 I'm calling long distance and I've only got one 10p, 616 00:40:42,292 --> 00:40:44,584 so could you please take a message and pass it on 617 00:40:44,667 --> 00:40:46,709 to the secretary of the Headmasters' Conference? 618 00:40:46,792 --> 00:40:47,959 University of Norwich. 619 00:40:48,042 --> 00:40:51,334 Yes, our annual meeting's being held there. It starts at five. 620 00:40:51,417 --> 00:40:53,626 Would you tell him I was supposed to be there at three... 621 00:40:53,709 --> 00:40:55,459 Hello. University of Norwich. 622 00:40:55,542 --> 00:40:56,917 Can't you hear me? 623 00:40:57,001 --> 00:40:59,292 I said, would you tell him I'm going to be slightly... 624 00:40:59,376 --> 00:41:01,209 Put your money in the box, caller. 625 00:41:01,292 --> 00:41:03,292 I've put my money in the box! 626 00:41:03,376 --> 00:41:05,167 It's eaten the money! 627 00:41:05,251 --> 00:41:08,042 I haven't got any more money! 628 00:41:08,126 --> 00:41:10,001 [pips beeping] 629 00:41:10,084 --> 00:41:11,209 - [line goes dead] - Right! 630 00:41:26,292 --> 00:41:27,417 How old are you? 631 00:41:27,501 --> 00:41:28,667 It's out of order. 632 00:41:31,542 --> 00:41:33,584 I'll tell you how old you are. 633 00:41:34,417 --> 00:41:36,792 You're two years and one day older than me. 634 00:41:36,876 --> 00:41:39,001 I mean, it took the money and... 635 00:41:40,959 --> 00:41:42,042 Pat? 636 00:41:43,459 --> 00:41:47,042 - Well, fancy meeting you like this! - Good God! 637 00:41:47,917 --> 00:41:49,751 - You don't live here? - No, no. 638 00:41:50,584 --> 00:41:52,542 - No, no. No, I'm... - No, I don't live here. 639 00:41:52,626 --> 00:41:55,459 I don't even live in England. I'm just seeing my mum. 640 00:41:55,542 --> 00:41:57,501 Isn't that amazing? 641 00:41:57,584 --> 00:41:59,626 - Well... - Anyway, Brian... 642 00:41:59,709 --> 00:42:02,876 You don't have to tell me what you're up to these days because I can see. 643 00:42:02,959 --> 00:42:04,501 - You're late! - No, no. 644 00:42:04,584 --> 00:42:06,334 No, it was the third telephone box in a row. 645 00:42:06,417 --> 00:42:07,709 Still late for everything, are you, Brian? 646 00:42:07,792 --> 00:42:09,126 No, I'm not late these days, as a matter of fact... 647 00:42:09,209 --> 00:42:11,876 What was it this time, Brian? Buses on strike? Got the wrong train? 648 00:42:11,959 --> 00:42:14,209 I'm not late! [chuckles] 649 00:42:14,292 --> 00:42:17,126 - I'd say come and have lunch. - Uh, unfortunately... 650 00:42:17,209 --> 00:42:19,459 All right, Brian. Just your luck, isn't it? 651 00:42:19,542 --> 00:42:23,126 Running into someone you haven't seen for 20 years when you're late already. 652 00:42:23,209 --> 00:42:26,584 No, no, I'm not late. I'm merely in a hurry. [chuckles] 653 00:42:26,667 --> 00:42:29,209 Well, give me a kiss and I'll let you run. 654 00:42:38,001 --> 00:42:40,084 Lovely to see you again, Brian. 655 00:42:41,334 --> 00:42:43,417 Here, come on, and I'll give you Mum's number. 656 00:42:43,501 --> 00:42:44,959 You can phone me when you've got a moment. 657 00:42:45,042 --> 00:42:46,542 Oh, right. 658 00:42:46,626 --> 00:42:50,167 You won't believe this, but your dad and I 659 00:42:50,251 --> 00:42:52,251 were at training college together, and he was late... 660 00:42:52,334 --> 00:42:53,709 Pat, could I make a phone call? 661 00:42:53,792 --> 00:42:56,251 He was late the first time he took me out. 662 00:42:56,334 --> 00:42:57,959 He was late every time he took me out. 663 00:42:58,042 --> 00:43:01,209 He was late the day he collected his diploma. 664 00:43:01,292 --> 00:43:03,376 Oh, he hasn't told you about all that. 665 00:43:03,459 --> 00:43:06,084 Haven't you told her about your murky past then? 666 00:43:06,167 --> 00:43:08,042 He's not even listening. 667 00:43:10,459 --> 00:43:13,167 I said you're not even listening. 668 00:43:13,251 --> 00:43:14,626 Suppose not. 669 00:43:18,584 --> 00:43:19,584 Out! 670 00:43:22,542 --> 00:43:26,042 Well, I can see your mind's on other things. I mustn't hold you up. 671 00:43:26,126 --> 00:43:28,292 Yes, we must be on our way. 672 00:43:28,376 --> 00:43:29,542 No! 673 00:43:29,626 --> 00:43:33,167 Oh! She won't let poor old Dad drive, will she? 674 00:43:33,251 --> 00:43:35,376 No, I won't! 675 00:43:35,459 --> 00:43:37,792 She's lovely, Brian. A real glint in her eye. 676 00:43:37,876 --> 00:43:40,376 Yes. Uh, Pat, can you drive? 677 00:43:40,459 --> 00:43:43,001 Great to see you, anyway. Can I drive? 678 00:43:43,084 --> 00:43:44,876 You've passed your test? You've got a licence? 679 00:43:44,959 --> 00:43:47,626 Yes. What's all this about? 680 00:43:47,709 --> 00:43:51,209 Have a drive! Go on! See what you think. All right? 681 00:43:52,126 --> 00:43:53,751 Just round the block. 682 00:44:00,042 --> 00:44:02,834 I'd like to know what you think. Come on! 683 00:44:02,917 --> 00:44:04,459 Well, I thought you were late. 684 00:44:04,542 --> 00:44:07,251 Oh, I'm not late! [laughs] 685 00:44:07,334 --> 00:44:09,334 Funny man you are, Brian. 686 00:44:17,417 --> 00:44:19,334 I haven't driven in this country for 20 years. 687 00:44:19,417 --> 00:44:20,459 Never mind, off you go. 688 00:44:20,542 --> 00:44:22,251 - Married a dentist down under. - Right. 689 00:44:22,334 --> 00:44:24,792 Just brought the kids over to stay with Mum. We were going to have lunch. 690 00:44:24,876 --> 00:44:26,459 - Right. Let's go. - You've got time for lunch, haven't you? 691 00:44:26,542 --> 00:44:29,209 I bet you're starving. I've got one your age. 692 00:44:29,292 --> 00:44:31,084 - Well, I am, rather. - Later, later! Get the drive over first! 693 00:44:31,167 --> 00:44:33,376 All right. Once round the block then. 694 00:44:33,459 --> 00:44:34,959 Close your eyes and pray. 695 00:44:35,042 --> 00:44:36,334 [engine starts] 696 00:44:36,417 --> 00:44:39,001 - On the left still, isn't it? - Right. 697 00:44:39,084 --> 00:44:41,167 - On the right? - Left, left! 698 00:44:41,251 --> 00:44:42,292 Right. 699 00:44:50,459 --> 00:44:52,667 Stop them! Stop them! 700 00:44:52,751 --> 00:44:54,792 What? They, they did the phone? 701 00:44:54,876 --> 00:44:57,626 The phone, yes, but now they've kidnapped my daughter. 702 00:44:57,709 --> 00:44:59,251 It's lovely. 703 00:44:59,334 --> 00:45:01,584 - What? - The car. 704 00:45:02,626 --> 00:45:03,876 Oh, right! 705 00:45:05,417 --> 00:45:07,751 [rattling] 706 00:45:09,709 --> 00:45:13,001 There's perhaps something not quite right up here somewhere. 707 00:45:13,084 --> 00:45:14,459 That's the wing. 708 00:45:14,542 --> 00:45:16,251 The wing? 709 00:45:16,334 --> 00:45:19,626 He pulled it off. Dad'll kill me. 710 00:45:22,417 --> 00:45:25,417 It's Dad's car. It's not his car. 711 00:45:26,167 --> 00:45:29,959 He's not my father. He's Mr Stimpson. 712 00:45:34,167 --> 00:45:36,584 Why did you tell her I was your daughter? 713 00:45:36,667 --> 00:45:40,292 Um, daughter? Who, me? No, son. I haven't got a daughter. 714 00:45:43,792 --> 00:45:45,917 What, Laura? Laura's one of my girls. 715 00:45:47,126 --> 00:45:50,959 One of my sixth formers. She's very kindly driving me to Norwich. 716 00:45:51,042 --> 00:45:53,876 It's a Headmasters' Conference. I'm a headmaster now. 717 00:45:53,959 --> 00:45:57,126 Yes, well, I'll say goodbye then, Brian. 718 00:45:57,209 --> 00:45:58,834 You can't stop here! 719 00:45:58,917 --> 00:46:01,334 - It's all right, I'll walk back. - P... Police car. 720 00:46:01,876 --> 00:46:05,084 It's your life, Brian. I don't want to say anything. I just don't want to get involved. 721 00:46:05,167 --> 00:46:06,626 Keep going, keep going! 722 00:46:06,709 --> 00:46:10,667 We'll be out in the county in a minute. My children don't know where I am. 723 00:46:10,751 --> 00:46:13,626 - We're just sitting down to lunch. - It's all right. We'll find a bus stop. 724 00:46:13,709 --> 00:46:15,417 - Find a bus stop? - Here's a bus stop. 725 00:46:15,501 --> 00:46:17,001 You can't stop at a bus stop! 726 00:46:17,084 --> 00:46:19,334 - Well, where am I going? - Straight out! 727 00:46:19,417 --> 00:46:22,417 [tyres screech, horn honking] 728 00:46:22,501 --> 00:46:23,917 Well done. 729 00:46:24,001 --> 00:46:26,501 - Hooting. - Oh, don't mind him! 730 00:46:26,584 --> 00:46:30,042 I don't know where we are. I don't know where we're going! 731 00:46:30,126 --> 00:46:32,459 I'll tell you. Hold on. 732 00:46:36,834 --> 00:46:38,001 It was always the same thing. 733 00:46:38,084 --> 00:46:39,501 You feel sorry for them, don't you? 734 00:46:39,584 --> 00:46:42,209 You'd start off in evening dress and silver dance shoes, 735 00:46:42,292 --> 00:46:45,209 and end up running, your skirt in your hand and your heel down a grating. 736 00:46:45,292 --> 00:46:46,917 And then they turn round and scream at you. 737 00:46:47,001 --> 00:46:50,459 - Next left. Be posted to Northampton. - Northampton! 738 00:46:50,542 --> 00:46:52,084 We'll put you on the train. 739 00:46:52,167 --> 00:46:53,751 What do you mean, you'll put me on the train? 740 00:46:53,834 --> 00:46:56,042 They're sitting round the table! They're waiting to start lunch! 741 00:46:56,126 --> 00:46:57,292 Well, get a move on then! 742 00:46:59,251 --> 00:47:01,042 [Brian] Put your foot down! 743 00:47:01,126 --> 00:47:03,001 [Pat] It's like being 19 again. 744 00:47:03,084 --> 00:47:05,001 I hated being 19. 745 00:47:06,376 --> 00:47:08,042 [horns honking] 746 00:47:08,126 --> 00:47:10,251 Right, fine. 747 00:47:10,334 --> 00:47:13,876 We shouldn't be doing this kind of speed, not in a car like this. 748 00:47:13,959 --> 00:47:15,626 Right, right. 749 00:47:16,376 --> 00:47:18,834 Listen to it, it's coming to pieces. 750 00:47:18,917 --> 00:47:20,667 Terrible, terrible. 751 00:47:21,417 --> 00:47:24,001 [Pat] Now where am I going? I'm going left, am I? 752 00:47:24,959 --> 00:47:26,334 [Brian] Right, fine. 753 00:47:26,417 --> 00:47:27,542 [Pat] Right? 754 00:47:27,626 --> 00:47:29,584 [tyres screech] 755 00:47:35,334 --> 00:47:37,876 All right, ten minutes and we'll be in Northampton. 756 00:47:37,959 --> 00:47:39,626 Northampton was left. 757 00:47:39,709 --> 00:47:40,709 That was our turn? 758 00:47:40,792 --> 00:47:42,792 - You said "right". - I said "left"! 759 00:47:42,876 --> 00:47:45,042 Look, Brian, don't you shout at me! 760 00:47:45,126 --> 00:47:48,792 - Can't anyone tell left from right? - She's doing her best! 761 00:47:48,876 --> 00:47:52,084 Right. Just take the next left, will you? 762 00:47:52,167 --> 00:47:54,167 I'll get straight out of the car. 763 00:47:54,251 --> 00:47:56,209 You can't get out of the car now until we get to Northampton. 764 00:47:56,292 --> 00:47:57,334 Always late! 765 00:47:57,417 --> 00:48:00,209 Always trying to make it my fault, always screaming at me. 766 00:48:00,292 --> 00:48:04,751 I was not screaming, I was merely saying "left". Left. 767 00:48:04,834 --> 00:48:06,584 And now they've made you headmaster. 768 00:48:06,667 --> 00:48:09,167 It's like putting a shark in charge of a swimming pool! 769 00:48:09,251 --> 00:48:10,584 Left. 770 00:48:11,126 --> 00:48:12,917 Left. 771 00:48:13,001 --> 00:48:15,209 Left! Left! Left! 772 00:48:18,292 --> 00:48:20,917 What's this? This isn't going anywhere! 773 00:48:21,001 --> 00:48:23,959 It's going back to the Northampton Road. 774 00:48:24,042 --> 00:48:25,751 They'll be out of their minds. 775 00:48:25,834 --> 00:48:31,251 Just keep absolutely calm and turn left and left again. 776 00:48:31,334 --> 00:48:33,751 So, left here. 777 00:48:34,792 --> 00:48:36,459 Perfect, thank you. 778 00:48:36,542 --> 00:48:37,959 Well done. 779 00:48:38,042 --> 00:48:41,417 Now, we just go round the next corner and... 780 00:48:44,709 --> 00:48:47,126 [cows mooing] 781 00:48:47,209 --> 00:48:48,834 Now what? 782 00:48:48,917 --> 00:48:51,584 Don't worry. We just go back. 783 00:48:51,667 --> 00:48:53,167 Back? 784 00:48:53,251 --> 00:48:55,709 Right. Reverse. 785 00:48:55,792 --> 00:48:58,042 How did this happen to me? 786 00:48:59,167 --> 00:49:00,792 In reverse gear. 787 00:49:05,792 --> 00:49:07,917 Put it into reverse. 788 00:49:08,001 --> 00:49:09,542 [gears crunch] 789 00:49:09,626 --> 00:49:12,167 Show her where reverse is, Laura. 790 00:49:13,334 --> 00:49:15,084 [gears crunch] 791 00:49:15,167 --> 00:49:19,084 Good, well done. Come on then. Come on. 792 00:49:20,084 --> 00:49:21,334 Come on. 793 00:49:21,417 --> 00:49:23,709 Come on. Well done. 794 00:49:23,792 --> 00:49:25,542 Come on... Stop! 795 00:49:29,459 --> 00:49:31,667 [cows mooing] 796 00:49:34,792 --> 00:49:37,626 This is a historic moment. 797 00:49:38,459 --> 00:49:42,001 Little did I dream that I should be sitting here... 798 00:49:46,542 --> 00:49:48,792 When are we going to have lunch? 799 00:49:53,334 --> 00:49:54,917 Into the field. 800 00:49:56,501 --> 00:49:58,834 - Into the field? - Just do as I say. 801 00:50:18,084 --> 00:50:20,501 [Brian] We'll get something to eat in Northampton. 802 00:50:20,584 --> 00:50:22,792 We're going to hit the road in about 100 yards. 803 00:50:22,876 --> 00:50:24,376 [Pat] I know this is wrong! 804 00:50:24,459 --> 00:50:26,376 I know it! I know it! 805 00:50:26,459 --> 00:50:30,584 [inspirational music] 806 00:50:52,292 --> 00:50:54,792 It'll be just beyond that next hedge. 807 00:51:19,626 --> 00:51:21,626 Just beyond the next hedge. 808 00:51:22,459 --> 00:51:24,417 Look, I can see the cars! 809 00:51:24,501 --> 00:51:26,876 I can see them moving. Right then... 810 00:51:26,959 --> 00:51:28,709 [Laura] There's no track! 811 00:51:28,792 --> 00:51:31,042 We've come to the end of the track. 812 00:51:31,126 --> 00:51:34,209 We don't need a track. It's grass. Come on! 813 00:52:16,001 --> 00:52:18,292 [Brian] Perhaps I sound a little old-fashioned, 814 00:52:18,376 --> 00:52:22,251 but, you know, we live in a world where time is becoming, not less important, 815 00:52:22,334 --> 00:52:23,584 but ever more so. 816 00:52:23,667 --> 00:52:26,292 Imagine a spacecraft running late. 817 00:52:26,376 --> 00:52:30,042 It might miss its orbit completely and find itself wandering off 818 00:52:30,126 --> 00:52:32,667 into the trackless depths of the universe. 819 00:52:34,834 --> 00:52:38,001 [engine straining] 820 00:52:48,334 --> 00:52:51,209 Nightmare! Nightmare! 821 00:52:51,292 --> 00:52:54,584 Hold it, Pam, hold it. Let's just have a quiet think. 822 00:52:54,667 --> 00:52:56,334 I'm never going to get home! 823 00:52:56,417 --> 00:52:59,042 Stop it! You'll break the engine! 824 00:52:59,126 --> 00:53:00,792 [engine stops] 825 00:53:00,876 --> 00:53:05,501 Thank you. Thank you. Now, it's five to two. 826 00:53:05,584 --> 00:53:07,626 I'm hungry. 827 00:53:07,709 --> 00:53:10,084 You're hungry? We're all hungry. 828 00:53:10,167 --> 00:53:14,209 We can't eat now because we're in the middle of a field. 829 00:53:15,001 --> 00:53:18,792 So, we have to adapt to our circumstances. 830 00:53:25,001 --> 00:53:29,251 Now, I wanted to be in Norwich at three to greet everyone as they arrive. 831 00:53:29,334 --> 00:53:31,292 I can't be there at three, 832 00:53:31,376 --> 00:53:36,376 so instead I want to be there at five in time to deliver my speech. 833 00:53:37,209 --> 00:53:40,584 This is how mankind has evolved from the primeval slime, 834 00:53:40,667 --> 00:53:43,334 by adapting to circumstances. 835 00:53:43,417 --> 00:53:47,459 We can't go forwards, so we'll go backwards instead. 836 00:53:47,542 --> 00:53:50,417 Put it in reverse for her, Laura. I'll push. 837 00:53:50,501 --> 00:53:51,667 [engine starts] 838 00:53:51,751 --> 00:53:54,042 Right? Right. 839 00:53:57,042 --> 00:53:59,376 [engine straining] 840 00:54:06,334 --> 00:54:08,167 [engine stops] 841 00:54:18,834 --> 00:54:20,126 Huh! 842 00:54:23,001 --> 00:54:25,417 No! Thank you. 843 00:54:26,501 --> 00:54:28,834 Stay here. Don't move. 844 00:55:08,042 --> 00:55:09,959 Excuse me! 845 00:55:10,042 --> 00:55:11,084 Hello! 846 00:55:13,542 --> 00:55:16,417 Uh, can you tell me...? Do you know...? 847 00:55:16,501 --> 00:55:20,459 Um, is there anyone round here with a tractor? 848 00:55:21,917 --> 00:55:23,626 Won my bet, anyway. 849 00:55:24,917 --> 00:55:26,876 Watched you go down the meadow there. 850 00:55:26,959 --> 00:55:30,042 Bet myself a cheese sandwich you wouldn't get as far as the bottom. 851 00:55:31,709 --> 00:55:35,501 Right, we're stuck. We need a tractor to pull us out! 852 00:55:37,126 --> 00:55:42,542 - Havin' a day in the country, are you? - Not really. Is there a farm near here? 853 00:55:42,626 --> 00:55:44,667 Gettin' close to nature? 854 00:55:44,751 --> 00:55:46,501 Right, right. 855 00:55:46,584 --> 00:55:50,209 We're in rather a hurry, you see. I have to be in Norwich by five. 856 00:55:50,292 --> 00:55:53,459 Norwich? You're goin' to Norwich? 857 00:55:53,542 --> 00:55:57,126 Yes, so if we can just find a tractor... 858 00:55:57,751 --> 00:56:00,167 What? Shortcut, is it? 859 00:56:00,251 --> 00:56:05,001 Lost our way. So we must quickly find a tractor. 860 00:56:06,626 --> 00:56:10,501 Well... My advice is this... 861 00:56:14,709 --> 00:56:15,792 Yes? 862 00:56:18,834 --> 00:56:20,834 - If you're goin' this way... - Yes. 863 00:56:22,792 --> 00:56:25,667 - Find a tractor... - A tractor, yes. 864 00:56:27,667 --> 00:56:30,292 And stay on the bloody thing all the way to Norwich. 865 00:56:33,917 --> 00:56:37,292 Thank you. Thank you very much. 866 00:56:39,251 --> 00:56:41,792 - I'll tell you something else... - Yes, thank you. 867 00:56:42,667 --> 00:56:44,126 Know what I'm sittin' on? 868 00:56:44,209 --> 00:56:45,917 A bomb, I hope. 869 00:56:46,959 --> 00:56:48,792 All right, my old dear. 870 00:56:48,876 --> 00:56:51,209 You look that way and I'll look this. 871 00:56:52,334 --> 00:56:54,667 And I bet you a jam tart... 872 00:56:55,501 --> 00:56:57,667 I find a tractor first. 873 00:57:00,959 --> 00:57:03,709 [tractor engine starts] 874 00:57:20,084 --> 00:57:22,376 Headin' for Norwich, I believe? 875 00:57:23,876 --> 00:57:25,167 Some of us. 876 00:57:26,751 --> 00:57:29,334 Dodged the traffic, anyway. [chuckles] 877 00:57:33,126 --> 00:57:35,792 [doorbell rings] 878 00:57:35,876 --> 00:57:38,001 Come on! Come on! 879 00:57:38,084 --> 00:57:40,167 [medieval music plays] 880 00:57:40,251 --> 00:57:43,959 [sighs] Oh, for God's sake, turn the record player down. 881 00:57:44,042 --> 00:57:46,167 [doorbell rings] 882 00:57:48,334 --> 00:57:50,501 Ah, right. Um, there you are. 883 00:57:50,584 --> 00:57:53,584 Now, a tractor. I'm looking for a tractor. 884 00:57:53,667 --> 00:57:55,959 You don't have a tractor here, do you? 885 00:57:59,209 --> 00:58:03,459 I'm so sorry, but it is rather urgent. I have to be in Norwich by... 886 00:58:04,709 --> 00:58:07,751 [medieval music continues] 887 00:58:11,001 --> 00:58:12,876 Of course, a monastery. 888 00:58:13,709 --> 00:58:15,709 I might have guessed. 889 00:58:26,834 --> 00:58:30,626 [clock ticks] 890 00:58:37,876 --> 00:58:39,084 [rattling] 891 00:58:59,001 --> 00:59:00,751 Have they found a tractor? 892 00:59:03,167 --> 00:59:04,584 Oh. 893 00:59:09,876 --> 00:59:11,709 Well, it doesn't matter. 894 00:59:11,792 --> 00:59:13,751 Wasn't important. 895 00:59:25,292 --> 00:59:29,167 I'm sorry to let them down, that's all. It doesn't matter to me. 896 00:59:33,292 --> 00:59:34,917 It was important for the school. 897 00:59:35,001 --> 00:59:37,667 Would've meant so much to the children. 898 00:59:39,459 --> 00:59:40,584 Well... 899 00:59:42,792 --> 00:59:44,667 I suppose we couldn't ring for a taxi? 900 00:59:47,876 --> 00:59:49,001 No phone? 901 00:59:54,667 --> 00:59:56,792 It would have meant a lot to my mother, of course... 902 00:59:59,751 --> 01:00:01,334 if she'd been alive. 903 01:00:03,417 --> 01:00:07,376 I mean, I'd be happy to enter a monastery and never speak again. 904 01:00:08,459 --> 01:00:10,334 We speak. 905 01:00:12,209 --> 01:00:15,417 I'm sorry, I... I just assumed... 906 01:00:15,501 --> 01:00:17,084 I'm sorry. 907 01:00:32,251 --> 01:00:34,209 What do you think I should do then? 908 01:00:35,834 --> 01:00:37,751 Have a bath, perhaps? 909 01:01:02,376 --> 01:01:03,959 They're women. 910 01:01:09,667 --> 01:01:12,167 Funny ol' boyfriend you girls have found yourselves. 911 01:01:12,251 --> 01:01:14,667 Takes you off for a bit of nature study in the country, 912 01:01:14,751 --> 01:01:17,126 then slips off and enters a monastery! 913 01:01:19,542 --> 01:01:22,251 - Right, I'm off. - Mr Stimpson? 914 01:01:22,334 --> 01:01:23,959 Are you coming with me or aren't you? 915 01:01:24,042 --> 01:01:26,709 - It's our car! - I'm not waiting. 916 01:01:28,459 --> 01:01:30,167 Mr Stimpson! 917 01:01:32,251 --> 01:01:33,834 Mr Stimpson! 918 01:01:46,584 --> 01:01:48,251 Mr Stimpson! 919 01:01:48,334 --> 01:01:51,042 [bees buzzing] 920 01:01:51,917 --> 01:01:56,376 [Brian sings] ♪ He who would valiant be 921 01:01:56,459 --> 01:02:00,042 ♪ 'Gainst all disaster 922 01:02:00,876 --> 01:02:05,167 ♪ Let him in constancy 923 01:02:05,251 --> 01:02:08,834 ♪ Follow the Master 924 01:02:10,084 --> 01:02:15,001 ♪ There's no discouragement 925 01:02:15,084 --> 01:02:19,667 ♪ Shall make him once relent 926 01:02:19,751 --> 01:02:23,459 ♪ His first avowed intent 927 01:02:23,542 --> 01:02:26,167 - ♪ To be... ♪ - [Laura] Mr Stimpson! 928 01:02:35,876 --> 01:02:40,459 - ♪ Do but themselves confound ♪ - Mr Stimpson! 929 01:02:41,501 --> 01:02:43,501 Quick, where are you? 930 01:02:44,792 --> 01:02:46,751 It's your friend, she won't wait! 931 01:02:46,834 --> 01:02:48,667 They can't find a tractor. 932 01:02:48,751 --> 01:02:51,126 We've got one. It's pulled us out. 933 01:02:52,709 --> 01:02:54,792 What are you doing? 934 01:02:54,876 --> 01:02:56,459 I'm having a bath. 935 01:02:56,542 --> 01:02:58,084 You've got one? 936 01:02:58,167 --> 01:03:00,417 - She's going! - I'll be right down. 937 01:03:16,042 --> 01:03:17,084 Well? 938 01:03:17,167 --> 01:03:19,084 He's having a bath. 939 01:03:19,167 --> 01:03:23,292 A bath? Why not a sauna and massage as well? 940 01:03:23,376 --> 01:03:24,501 Again! 941 01:03:30,209 --> 01:03:32,084 Mr Stimpson? 942 01:03:32,167 --> 01:03:33,542 Where is she? 943 01:03:34,292 --> 01:03:38,709 She's gone. I said, "He's having a bath," and she went. 944 01:03:39,584 --> 01:03:41,459 Stop her! 945 01:03:41,542 --> 01:03:43,584 It's our car! 946 01:03:51,667 --> 01:03:53,501 Come on! Come on! 947 01:03:58,584 --> 01:04:00,542 [Laura] End of the lane! 948 01:04:02,417 --> 01:04:06,001 [medieval music] 949 01:04:07,626 --> 01:04:10,834 [Brian panting] 950 01:04:23,917 --> 01:04:26,584 [panting] Ah, can't! Can't! 951 01:04:26,667 --> 01:04:28,584 [he gasps] Sandals! 952 01:04:30,084 --> 01:04:32,959 [panting] We found the... the road, anyway. 953 01:04:36,417 --> 01:04:38,542 It's not the despair, Laura. 954 01:04:39,417 --> 01:04:42,292 I can stand the despair, it's the hope! 955 01:04:45,334 --> 01:04:46,834 There! 956 01:04:57,626 --> 01:05:04,584 Blue Morris 1100, registration number Romeo Delta X-Ray 364 Juliet. 957 01:05:05,459 --> 01:05:10,084 We've also got Mrs Garden, reported missing, believed kidnapped. 958 01:05:10,167 --> 01:05:12,542 State of shock, otherwise appears all right. 959 01:05:12,626 --> 01:05:13,959 No sign of the girl. 960 01:05:14,042 --> 01:05:15,709 She's at the monastery. 961 01:05:16,501 --> 01:05:18,667 Oh, she's apparently in a monastery. 962 01:05:18,751 --> 01:05:20,792 No sign of the male suspect. 963 01:05:20,876 --> 01:05:22,334 He's in the bath. 964 01:05:23,292 --> 01:05:24,959 He's in the bath. 965 01:05:25,042 --> 01:05:26,417 In the monastery? 966 01:05:28,209 --> 01:05:30,584 In the bath, in a monastery. 967 01:05:31,792 --> 01:05:34,126 It's gonna take a bit of sorting out, this one! 968 01:05:34,209 --> 01:05:36,334 We'll bring Mrs Garden in, anyway. 969 01:05:36,417 --> 01:05:38,709 We're charging her with taking and driving away, 970 01:05:38,792 --> 01:05:41,334 driving a vehicle in an unroadworthy condition, 971 01:05:41,417 --> 01:05:45,376 exceeding the speed limit and assaulting a police officer. 972 01:05:48,042 --> 01:05:49,584 Nearly there! 973 01:05:51,542 --> 01:05:53,834 One little slip, Laura, that's all. 974 01:05:54,876 --> 01:05:57,084 Said "right", meant "left". 975 01:05:57,917 --> 01:05:59,417 One word! 976 01:06:00,376 --> 01:06:01,542 Going! 977 01:06:06,209 --> 01:06:07,459 Gone! 978 01:06:25,126 --> 01:06:27,709 I've lied for this, Laura, I've stolen. 979 01:06:29,209 --> 01:06:31,459 I've taken you out of school. 980 01:06:32,542 --> 01:06:34,084 [sighs heavily] 981 01:06:34,167 --> 01:06:36,542 Well, I suppose this is a form of education. 982 01:06:36,626 --> 01:06:38,667 It's an education for me, Laura. 983 01:06:40,126 --> 01:06:41,834 You still haven't had any lunch. 984 01:06:44,584 --> 01:06:46,167 We'll get something. 985 01:06:49,876 --> 01:06:51,417 In your suit. 986 01:06:56,292 --> 01:06:57,667 In the bathroom. 987 01:06:57,751 --> 01:07:00,167 Even lost the time. 988 01:07:16,334 --> 01:07:19,709 [sheep bleating] 989 01:07:19,792 --> 01:07:23,042 [man] He's only a third in geography, but he can read a balance sheet. 990 01:07:23,126 --> 01:07:26,501 Our merchant bankers thought we could reckon on 15%. 991 01:07:26,584 --> 01:07:29,917 The Old Boys' Association raised a quarter of a million in three months. 992 01:07:30,001 --> 01:07:32,542 You know, our people suggested floating the school off. 993 01:07:32,626 --> 01:07:35,292 We're offering an A-level in classic Arabic, of course. 994 01:07:35,376 --> 01:07:38,584 And we hope the school mosque will finished in time for Ramadan. 995 01:07:38,667 --> 01:07:40,834 That's one in the eye for Millfield, anyway. 996 01:07:40,917 --> 01:07:43,959 We're also planning a Deutsche Mark offshore fund. 997 01:07:44,042 --> 01:07:47,042 We have to be prepared for any political eventuality. 998 01:07:47,126 --> 01:07:50,709 We do have the same accountants as Mick Jagger, so I hope it won't be... 999 01:07:50,792 --> 01:07:54,792 So anyway an air crew came down and checked out our security arrangements, 1000 01:07:54,876 --> 01:07:57,167 with particular reference to the bombs. 1001 01:07:57,251 --> 01:07:59,042 Did you ring the school? 1002 01:07:59,126 --> 01:08:01,084 They say he left at ten. 1003 01:08:01,167 --> 01:08:03,584 He said he was going to be here by three. 1004 01:08:07,042 --> 01:08:10,417 I'm sorry. I... I'm... just... 1005 01:08:11,834 --> 01:08:14,042 I don't know whether... 1006 01:08:15,459 --> 01:08:17,959 Extraordinary appointments some governors make these days. 1007 01:08:19,376 --> 01:08:21,334 Or is that the state sector? 1008 01:08:21,417 --> 01:08:24,501 Chap over there came on a motorcycle by the look of it. 1009 01:08:24,584 --> 01:08:25,709 What? 1010 01:08:29,167 --> 01:08:30,334 Good God! 1011 01:08:30,417 --> 01:08:32,334 It's some woman! 1012 01:08:32,417 --> 01:08:35,709 - How did she get in? - Excuse me. 1013 01:08:35,792 --> 01:08:39,126 And at Easter, I'm taking the Classical Sixth to Jamaica. 1014 01:08:40,001 --> 01:08:41,292 Can I help you at all? 1015 01:08:41,376 --> 01:08:43,751 - Where is she? Where's Laura? - I'm sorry? 1016 01:08:43,834 --> 01:08:46,626 Our daughter! He's going mad. He'll have one of his attacks. 1017 01:08:46,709 --> 01:08:48,626 Oh! Oh, dear. Your daughter? 1018 01:08:48,709 --> 01:08:51,792 Well, let's go and have a look for her, shall we? 1019 01:08:51,876 --> 01:08:55,542 I'm sorry, someone should've explained. We don't bring wives and families. 1020 01:08:55,626 --> 01:08:57,834 Wives? No, you have 18-year-old girls 1021 01:08:57,917 --> 01:09:00,626 who are doing their A-levels. I've never heard anything like it! 1022 01:09:00,709 --> 01:09:03,584 Yes, well, let's go upstairs and discuss it in peace, shall we? 1023 01:09:03,667 --> 01:09:05,126 And where is he? Where's Mr Stimpson? 1024 01:09:05,209 --> 01:09:06,876 Mr Stimpson? 1025 01:09:06,959 --> 01:09:10,167 Ah! Mr Stimpson. Well... 1026 01:09:10,251 --> 01:09:12,667 I think you'll like our new prospectus. It's being done by Saatchi & Saatchi. 1027 01:09:12,751 --> 01:09:14,001 Excuse me one moment. 1028 01:09:14,084 --> 01:09:17,751 Anyway, we're hoping the new solarium will give our sixth form a bit more appeal 1029 01:09:17,834 --> 01:09:19,542 - at the top end of the market. - I'm so sorry. 1030 01:09:19,626 --> 01:09:22,751 Would you take these good people upstairs, 1031 01:09:22,834 --> 01:09:24,917 to the room along the corridor on the left? 1032 01:09:25,001 --> 01:09:26,584 Terrific! Delighted! 1033 01:09:26,667 --> 01:09:30,209 See that they have some tea. I'll be with you in one moment. 1034 01:09:31,001 --> 01:09:32,042 Can I help you? 1035 01:09:32,126 --> 01:09:34,042 - I'm looking for Mr Stimpson. - Do you both take sugar? 1036 01:09:34,126 --> 01:09:36,751 Oh, we're all looking for Mr Stimpson. Come with me. 1037 01:09:36,834 --> 01:09:37,876 Won't be a moment, okay? 1038 01:09:37,959 --> 01:09:39,959 So of course I said, "I don't drink sherry. 1039 01:09:40,042 --> 01:09:42,292 I'm a total abstainer, as you very well know. 1040 01:09:42,376 --> 01:09:45,084 But I do not see why the sherry glasses 1041 01:09:45,167 --> 01:09:46,959 should go to Pam just because she drinks." 1042 01:09:47,042 --> 01:09:48,584 Why don't you have a cup of tea? 1043 01:09:48,667 --> 01:09:50,834 I told you to stay in the car! 1044 01:09:50,917 --> 01:09:53,501 Oh, you're another of Mr Stimpson's party, are you? 1045 01:09:53,584 --> 01:09:57,751 Pour them some tea and take them upstairs, the room along the corridor on the left. 1046 01:09:57,834 --> 01:09:58,792 Very well. 1047 01:09:58,876 --> 01:10:00,251 What are you doing here? 1048 01:10:00,334 --> 01:10:05,251 Oh, I'm just... I'll... fetch you a cup of... 1049 01:10:08,209 --> 01:10:11,959 - Ah, here we are. - Excuse me. 1050 01:10:12,042 --> 01:10:14,209 He seems to have brought his entire family. 1051 01:10:14,292 --> 01:10:15,876 There's another one here. 1052 01:10:15,959 --> 01:10:18,834 Let me guess, you're looking for Mr Stimpson. 1053 01:10:18,917 --> 01:10:21,084 I'm looking for the head doctor. 1054 01:10:21,167 --> 01:10:23,626 Well, let's see what we can find upstairs. 1055 01:10:24,584 --> 01:10:26,209 Mr Stimpson? 1056 01:10:27,251 --> 01:10:28,792 Am I? 1057 01:10:28,876 --> 01:10:31,584 I don't know where I am or what I am. 1058 01:10:31,667 --> 01:10:33,334 I know the feeling. 1059 01:10:37,209 --> 01:10:39,334 Why don't you both make yourselves comfortable in here? 1060 01:10:40,584 --> 01:10:43,209 I'll bring Mr Stimpson to you just as soon as I've found him. 1061 01:10:43,292 --> 01:10:45,834 Terrible bore, I know, but it is a private meeting. 1062 01:10:46,834 --> 01:10:51,126 "As a matter of fact," I said, "it would be an unfair temptation 1063 01:10:51,209 --> 01:10:53,334 to put a sherry glass in her hand." 1064 01:10:53,417 --> 01:10:55,084 Mr Stimpson's party? 1065 01:10:55,167 --> 01:10:57,459 In here. In here. 1066 01:10:59,792 --> 01:11:01,542 Two more for you! 1067 01:11:02,251 --> 01:11:04,667 Terrific! Super! 1068 01:11:05,376 --> 01:11:07,501 This is the most exciting day! 1069 01:11:08,626 --> 01:11:10,292 [Gwenda] Sit down! 1070 01:11:12,751 --> 01:11:15,501 Detective Sergeant Rice, Norwich CID. 1071 01:11:15,584 --> 01:11:17,959 I believe you have a Mr Brian Stimpson here. 1072 01:11:19,417 --> 01:11:20,709 Nothing wrong, I hope. 1073 01:11:20,792 --> 01:11:22,126 We'd just like a word with him, sir. 1074 01:11:22,209 --> 01:11:25,626 Well, he hasn't arrived yet. We're, um... We're waiting for him. 1075 01:11:25,709 --> 01:11:27,792 We'll wait too then, if we may. 1076 01:11:29,251 --> 01:11:31,001 I'll bring you some tea. 1077 01:11:32,334 --> 01:11:34,584 Stimpson supporters' club? In here. 1078 01:11:38,376 --> 01:11:39,876 Do you take sugar? 1079 01:11:42,834 --> 01:11:45,667 - Police looking for him now. - Oh, no! 1080 01:11:46,834 --> 01:11:48,084 Little boys? 1081 01:11:49,959 --> 01:11:51,751 Well, if he's not here by five... 1082 01:11:52,876 --> 01:11:55,626 I suppose one of us could say a few words. 1083 01:11:56,417 --> 01:11:58,834 Yes, I could have a go, if you like. 1084 01:11:58,917 --> 01:12:00,959 Something about money, perhaps? 1085 01:12:01,042 --> 01:12:03,042 Usually a reliable standby. 1086 01:12:03,126 --> 01:12:05,501 I hope he's not lying in some ditch. 1087 01:12:06,376 --> 01:12:08,042 Oh, absolutely. 1088 01:12:09,959 --> 01:12:13,501 It was going to be the start of so much, Laura. I was going to go into politics. 1089 01:12:13,584 --> 01:12:15,459 I used to think... 1090 01:12:15,542 --> 01:12:19,209 "When I become Secretary of State for Education..." 1091 01:12:20,584 --> 01:12:23,001 Yes. [sniffs] 1092 01:12:23,084 --> 01:12:24,376 Don't laugh! 1093 01:12:35,501 --> 01:12:37,334 I thought I didn't mind. 1094 01:12:40,167 --> 01:12:43,876 When I was in the monastery, I thought I'd resigned myself to it, but really... 1095 01:12:45,042 --> 01:12:47,834 I knew I'd still got time, you see. 1096 01:12:49,209 --> 01:12:51,501 Funny how you always know secretly 1097 01:12:51,584 --> 01:12:54,501 when the last moment is and when it's gone. 1098 01:12:57,459 --> 01:12:59,001 And now it has... 1099 01:13:01,417 --> 01:13:03,709 I mind, Laura. 1100 01:13:04,751 --> 01:13:06,209 I mind. 1101 01:13:16,792 --> 01:13:19,834 - Mr Stimpson! - Perhaps I could just... 1102 01:13:20,459 --> 01:13:21,876 lie here. 1103 01:13:21,959 --> 01:13:23,459 Mr Stimpson! 1104 01:13:26,792 --> 01:13:27,792 Wait! 1105 01:13:40,584 --> 01:13:42,376 Come on then, darling. What's the trouble? 1106 01:13:42,459 --> 01:13:44,042 Does this seat tip up? 1107 01:13:44,126 --> 01:13:48,167 Don't worry about the car. It's brand new. Only got 12 miles on the clock. 1108 01:13:48,251 --> 01:13:49,792 What? Do you pull this lever? 1109 01:13:49,876 --> 01:13:52,001 Hang about! What's... 1110 01:13:52,084 --> 01:13:54,334 - What's all this? - We're together. 1111 01:13:54,417 --> 01:13:55,834 I don't believe this! 1112 01:13:55,917 --> 01:13:57,251 He's got to get to Norwich. 1113 01:13:57,334 --> 01:14:01,042 Well, I've seen them pull some stunts, but... a monk? 1114 01:14:06,584 --> 01:14:10,001 Okay. A monk! What can I do? 1115 01:14:21,001 --> 01:14:23,542 I'm surprised at you though, Father. 1116 01:14:23,626 --> 01:14:27,501 Putting a bird out at the side of the road, hiding in the ditch. 1117 01:14:27,584 --> 01:14:30,959 Does your Father Superior know you travel round like this? 1118 01:14:32,709 --> 01:14:35,376 Funny! You! 1119 01:14:35,459 --> 01:14:38,167 Speech? Like that? 1120 01:14:39,709 --> 01:14:40,751 What? 1121 01:14:54,042 --> 01:14:57,417 Frankly, Father, I'm shocked, do you know that? 1122 01:14:57,501 --> 01:14:59,876 I'm not easily shocked, but I'm shocked. 1123 01:14:59,959 --> 01:15:01,751 - Can we stop? - What? 1124 01:15:01,834 --> 01:15:04,626 Stop a moment. By these trees. 1125 01:15:12,209 --> 01:15:13,792 What's the trouble? 1126 01:15:13,876 --> 01:15:17,126 - Go for a little walk. - Go for a walk? 1127 01:15:17,209 --> 01:15:18,876 In the woods. 1128 01:15:20,001 --> 01:15:22,792 You... You wanna go for a walk? 1129 01:15:22,876 --> 01:15:24,501 Don't you want to come? 1130 01:15:25,376 --> 01:15:27,751 What, you mean? What? 1131 01:15:27,834 --> 01:15:29,709 No one around! 1132 01:15:32,876 --> 01:15:34,876 Well, this beats everything. 1133 01:15:35,876 --> 01:15:38,542 Sorry about this, Father. Five minutes, that's all. 1134 01:15:38,626 --> 01:15:40,376 Pick a few flowers. 1135 01:15:44,667 --> 01:15:46,709 - Come on then. - Him?! 1136 01:15:46,792 --> 01:15:48,584 [Brian whimpers] Oh, no! 1137 01:15:48,667 --> 01:15:50,876 Do you want him to come? You want Father there? 1138 01:15:50,959 --> 01:15:54,001 Come on! The sun's out. 1139 01:16:00,626 --> 01:16:02,751 It's a funny old world, isn't it? 1140 01:16:12,001 --> 01:16:15,709 Look, I'll be frank, I'm out of my depth. 1141 01:16:17,834 --> 01:16:19,667 We could take our clothes off. 1142 01:16:33,834 --> 01:16:34,959 Go on then. 1143 01:16:35,042 --> 01:16:36,084 You first. 1144 01:16:45,584 --> 01:16:47,042 Go on. 1145 01:16:55,626 --> 01:16:57,042 Shoes. 1146 01:17:02,334 --> 01:17:03,584 Now you. 1147 01:17:04,501 --> 01:17:07,251 Now, Mr Stimpson. 1148 01:17:08,542 --> 01:17:10,626 Come on then. 1149 01:17:12,542 --> 01:17:14,959 Oh, now look, I'm not doing a solo. 1150 01:17:24,292 --> 01:17:26,626 - [he laughs] - [Laura giggles] 1151 01:17:31,001 --> 01:17:32,917 Come on, be a monk. 1152 01:17:43,459 --> 01:17:45,334 [he chuckles] 1153 01:17:47,001 --> 01:17:49,084 [laughter] 1154 01:17:58,709 --> 01:17:59,792 Hey! 1155 01:18:04,542 --> 01:18:06,542 Key! Find the key! 1156 01:18:09,542 --> 01:18:13,001 I knew it! I knew it was a stunt the moment he got in the car! 1157 01:18:15,792 --> 01:18:17,584 Give it to me! Give it to me! 1158 01:18:23,167 --> 01:18:26,251 Give me that suit! 300 quid that suit cost me. 1159 01:18:27,834 --> 01:18:29,167 [ripping] 1160 01:18:29,251 --> 01:18:30,126 Ooh! 1161 01:18:31,501 --> 01:18:34,667 You've torn it. Monk? Monk?! 1162 01:18:34,751 --> 01:18:37,751 You've torn the sleeve off a 300-guinea suit. 1163 01:18:37,834 --> 01:18:39,542 [engine starts] 1164 01:18:39,626 --> 01:18:41,584 Oh, no! Not the car! 1165 01:18:43,959 --> 01:18:47,667 It's not mine! It's a customer's. It's not insured. 1166 01:18:47,751 --> 01:18:49,251 [gears crunch] 1167 01:18:49,334 --> 01:18:50,917 Aaaaagh! 1168 01:18:53,584 --> 01:18:55,376 No, please! 1169 01:18:55,459 --> 01:18:58,667 Please, don't drive! Come back! 1170 01:19:06,751 --> 01:19:09,751 I knew it. From the moment she stuck her thumb up. 1171 01:19:15,709 --> 01:19:18,959 Don't worry about the sleeve. We'll get some Sellotape. 1172 01:19:19,042 --> 01:19:21,667 We've got some money now. 1173 01:19:21,751 --> 01:19:24,001 Feel in the pockets. How much have we got? 1174 01:19:29,042 --> 01:19:31,751 Oh, look! Hundreds and hundreds! 1175 01:19:31,834 --> 01:19:34,126 We could do anything. 1176 01:19:34,209 --> 01:19:36,626 We could get Chinese takeaways. 1177 01:19:37,876 --> 01:19:39,917 I saw this film on television once. 1178 01:19:40,001 --> 01:19:42,751 There was this bloke and this girl, and they went round everywhere in this car, 1179 01:19:42,834 --> 01:19:44,751 robbing these banks and things! 1180 01:19:44,834 --> 01:19:46,626 Did you see that, Mr Stimpson? 1181 01:19:49,126 --> 01:19:50,251 [engine roars] 1182 01:19:53,542 --> 01:19:58,084 Don't worry, I'll get you there. I'm a better driver than her, anyway. 1183 01:20:01,084 --> 01:20:03,334 We should have taken his watch as well. 1184 01:20:04,251 --> 01:20:06,084 Do you know what's worrying me? 1185 01:20:06,834 --> 01:20:09,751 The way I always seem to get involved with older men. 1186 01:20:15,042 --> 01:20:16,709 [horn honks] 1187 01:20:16,792 --> 01:20:18,542 [tyres skidding] 1188 01:20:27,876 --> 01:20:31,376 [indistinct chatter] 1189 01:20:38,376 --> 01:20:40,917 No point in waiting beyond five, is there? 1190 01:20:41,001 --> 01:20:45,501 No. I'm going to talk about charitable status and moral leadership. 1191 01:20:49,167 --> 01:20:52,084 Why can't he keep those damned women locked up? 1192 01:20:56,876 --> 01:20:58,251 So kind of you. 1193 01:20:59,126 --> 01:21:01,251 In everyone's way, as usual. 1194 01:21:02,667 --> 01:21:04,334 I'll just sit myself down. 1195 01:21:06,251 --> 01:21:09,376 Oh, dear. Lost again, are we? 1196 01:21:09,459 --> 01:21:10,959 Quite, quite lost. 1197 01:21:11,042 --> 01:21:13,167 Let's see if we can find your friends. 1198 01:21:13,251 --> 01:21:15,084 Excuse me, but I am not shouting at you! 1199 01:21:15,167 --> 01:21:16,626 Excuse me, but you are! 1200 01:21:16,709 --> 01:21:20,042 Excuse me, but I'm merely trying to get it into your head that he is not here. 1201 01:21:20,126 --> 01:21:22,751 - Oh, here they all are! - So when will he be here? 1202 01:21:22,834 --> 01:21:23,584 I don't know! 1203 01:21:23,667 --> 01:21:25,501 [Mrs May] Debating about which word to do? 1204 01:21:25,584 --> 01:21:28,376 Can't you stop these people wandering into the hall? 1205 01:21:28,459 --> 01:21:30,209 No, I can't. They keep wanting to go to the loo. 1206 01:21:30,292 --> 01:21:34,042 Mrs Wheel needs to go to the ladies. 1207 01:21:34,126 --> 01:21:35,709 Do you see? And then they don't come back. 1208 01:21:35,792 --> 01:21:38,001 Call yourself a doctor? 1209 01:21:39,042 --> 01:21:41,376 Get me someone to escort them to the loo. 1210 01:21:41,459 --> 01:21:42,751 Oh, we're off again, are we? 1211 01:21:42,834 --> 01:21:44,667 Not you, you've been. 1212 01:21:46,501 --> 01:21:49,251 Detective Inspector Laundryman, Regional Crime Squad. 1213 01:21:50,167 --> 01:21:51,251 Stimpson? 1214 01:21:51,334 --> 01:21:53,834 - Thought I'd have a few words with him. - In here. 1215 01:21:53,917 --> 01:21:56,501 - Stimpson? - What are you doing here, George? 1216 01:21:56,584 --> 01:21:57,626 Stimpson. 1217 01:21:57,709 --> 01:21:59,084 Taking and driving and assault? 1218 01:21:59,167 --> 01:22:01,626 No, taking and driving and kidnapping. 1219 01:22:01,709 --> 01:22:03,334 Right, inside then. 1220 01:22:04,834 --> 01:22:08,417 - What's going on here, George? - And let's keep the door closed. 1221 01:22:10,209 --> 01:22:11,542 Er, gentlemen... 1222 01:22:12,917 --> 01:22:16,834 Gentlemen, if I might have your attention for one moment. 1223 01:22:16,917 --> 01:22:18,126 Thank you. 1224 01:22:19,126 --> 01:22:21,459 And now the time is... 1225 01:22:22,584 --> 01:22:28,167 is exactly five o'clock, and I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. 1226 01:22:28,251 --> 01:22:30,876 Our chairman, Mr Stimpson... 1227 01:22:31,917 --> 01:22:33,626 is here. 1228 01:22:33,709 --> 01:22:37,376 [inspirational music] 1229 01:22:41,959 --> 01:22:44,792 [applause] 1230 01:23:15,001 --> 01:23:18,167 This is a historic moment. 1231 01:23:19,792 --> 01:23:22,542 I stand before you today as your new chairman, 1232 01:23:22,626 --> 01:23:28,334 something that some of us never expected to see happen in our lifetime. 1233 01:23:29,584 --> 01:23:31,959 We have come a long way together 1234 01:23:32,042 --> 01:23:34,584 to be where we are today. 1235 01:23:36,251 --> 01:23:37,376 A long way. 1236 01:23:37,917 --> 01:23:39,126 Who is she? 1237 01:23:39,209 --> 01:23:40,876 A long, long way. 1238 01:23:42,626 --> 01:23:47,126 And at this point, I should perhaps explain that 1239 01:23:47,209 --> 01:23:51,751 during the course of my journey I have become separated... 1240 01:23:52,626 --> 01:23:55,126 separated from the text of my speech. 1241 01:23:55,209 --> 01:23:59,626 So I hope you will forgive me if I am a little disconnected. 1242 01:24:10,209 --> 01:24:11,542 Right. 1243 01:24:12,501 --> 01:24:15,959 So I stand here today and I look out there, 1244 01:24:16,042 --> 01:24:18,167 and what do I see? 1245 01:24:31,792 --> 01:24:33,292 I see myself. 1246 01:24:34,001 --> 01:24:36,167 I see myself as I was then... 1247 01:24:38,167 --> 01:24:42,959 an obscure master from an overawed comprehensive school. 1248 01:24:47,084 --> 01:24:49,709 Right. So, what was I doing there? 1249 01:24:50,834 --> 01:24:53,251 I was amazed to find herself... 1250 01:24:53,334 --> 01:24:55,834 I was amazed to find myself 1251 01:24:55,917 --> 01:24:59,667 invited to become one of your very select handful 1252 01:24:59,751 --> 01:25:01,709 of additional women. 1253 01:25:03,709 --> 01:25:05,167 [muttering] 1254 01:25:05,251 --> 01:25:10,042 And I was even more amazed still at what I was listening to, 1255 01:25:10,126 --> 01:25:13,959 because what I was listening to was... 1256 01:25:16,042 --> 01:25:18,334 [muttering] 1257 01:25:18,417 --> 01:25:20,417 Well, come in then if you're coming! 1258 01:25:20,501 --> 01:25:23,126 No, because what I was listening to was... 1259 01:25:25,709 --> 01:25:28,084 Are there any more of you out there? 1260 01:25:37,084 --> 01:25:39,876 [muttering] 1261 01:25:41,084 --> 01:25:43,459 All right. Find yourselves somewhere to sit. 1262 01:25:49,292 --> 01:25:50,376 Right. 1263 01:25:50,459 --> 01:25:55,751 There I was listening to the headmasters of schools with great and glorious names. 1264 01:25:57,001 --> 01:25:59,501 [muttering] 1265 01:25:59,584 --> 01:26:00,792 [Mrs May] So kind of you. 1266 01:26:05,709 --> 01:26:07,126 Oh, sit down! 1267 01:26:09,834 --> 01:26:12,292 Yes, we're all waiting for you! 1268 01:26:17,751 --> 01:26:19,292 Thank you. 1269 01:26:20,917 --> 01:26:23,126 Right, so there I was, 1270 01:26:23,209 --> 01:26:27,959 listening to the headmasters of schools with great and glorious names as they, 1271 01:26:28,042 --> 01:26:29,542 uh... 1272 01:26:30,584 --> 01:26:35,292 kicked round a variety of weighty topics, 1273 01:26:35,376 --> 01:26:40,751 as they expatiated upon a variety of... of weighty balls. 1274 01:26:44,334 --> 01:26:46,959 I'm glad someone finds that funny. 1275 01:26:47,042 --> 01:26:48,834 [man whispers] Did he say what I think he said? 1276 01:26:48,917 --> 01:26:51,042 There's no need to whisper. 1277 01:26:51,126 --> 01:26:54,459 Please come up here and explain the joke to the entire school. 1278 01:26:55,292 --> 01:26:57,001 [creaking] 1279 01:26:57,084 --> 01:26:58,501 And who's that creaking? 1280 01:26:58,584 --> 01:27:00,876 [biker trousers creaking] 1281 01:27:01,751 --> 01:27:03,959 Come on, come on. Let's get it over with. 1282 01:27:04,042 --> 01:27:06,084 There's a seat down here, look. 1283 01:27:07,376 --> 01:27:09,751 [biker trousers creaking] 1284 01:27:15,542 --> 01:27:17,542 Long way to Norwich, was it? 1285 01:27:19,917 --> 01:27:21,876 Long way to that seat, too. 1286 01:27:27,917 --> 01:27:31,334 Make yourself comfortable then. Get all the creaking over. 1287 01:27:34,334 --> 01:27:35,417 No rush. 1288 01:27:35,501 --> 01:27:38,042 We've got all the time in the world. 1289 01:27:39,126 --> 01:27:41,251 Time! Right, because I should like, 1290 01:27:41,334 --> 01:27:44,584 before I pass on, before I pass on to other matters, 1291 01:27:44,667 --> 01:27:47,126 to sound a note of warning. 1292 01:27:48,209 --> 01:27:50,001 [muttering] 1293 01:27:50,084 --> 01:27:52,126 And still they come. 1294 01:27:52,917 --> 01:27:57,167 I was just talking, you might be interested to hear, about time. 1295 01:27:57,251 --> 01:28:01,292 I was going to say that we all understood that lateness 1296 01:28:01,376 --> 01:28:03,792 was a discourtesy to others. 1297 01:28:03,876 --> 01:28:06,501 But I'm beginning to wonder. 1298 01:28:07,751 --> 01:28:10,376 You're beginning to wonder too, are you? 1299 01:28:10,459 --> 01:28:14,501 So perhaps the rest of us could turn round and face the front, 1300 01:28:14,584 --> 01:28:16,917 and we'll all wonder together. 1301 01:28:18,417 --> 01:28:20,167 Right, thank you. 1302 01:28:20,251 --> 01:28:22,709 Because I am beginning to wonder 1303 01:28:22,792 --> 01:28:25,751 if I'd be the only person in the world 1304 01:28:25,834 --> 01:28:30,292 who'd be slightly surprised if the tide came wandering in 1305 01:28:30,376 --> 01:28:32,834 half an hour after the lesson had started, 1306 01:28:32,917 --> 01:28:34,542 slammed all the doors, 1307 01:28:34,626 --> 01:28:37,501 and stood there gazing round the room 1308 01:28:37,584 --> 01:28:39,917 trying to find some chums to sit next to 1309 01:28:40,001 --> 01:28:41,542 while the rest of us 1310 01:28:41,626 --> 01:28:44,459 patiently wait to get on with the day's events. 1311 01:28:44,542 --> 01:28:48,417 Perhaps I sound a little old-fashioned, but imagine a spacecraft 1312 01:28:48,501 --> 01:28:54,417 that was endlessly interrupted by latecomers and flapping doors. 1313 01:28:54,501 --> 01:28:56,084 [door flaps] 1314 01:28:56,167 --> 01:29:00,792 It might just possibly go completely mad! 1315 01:29:01,584 --> 01:29:03,251 It might just possibly 1316 01:29:03,334 --> 01:29:06,209 lift off the launch pad and go 1317 01:29:06,292 --> 01:29:09,667 streaming off into the depths of the universe, 1318 01:29:09,751 --> 01:29:13,917 and never be seen again until the end of time! 1319 01:30:05,167 --> 01:30:08,167 Right. Hymn 122, 1320 01:30:08,251 --> 01:30:10,709 "He Who Would Valiant Be". 1321 01:30:43,376 --> 01:30:44,667 Hopeless. 1322 01:30:54,042 --> 01:30:58,751 [he sings] ♪ He who would valiant be 1323 01:30:59,584 --> 01:31:04,084 [others join in] ♪ Gainst all disaster 1324 01:31:04,876 --> 01:31:10,376 [all join in] ♪ Let him in constancy 1325 01:31:10,459 --> 01:31:14,667 ♪ Follow the Master 1326 01:31:15,834 --> 01:31:21,126 ♪ There's no discouragement 1327 01:31:21,792 --> 01:31:26,251 ♪ Shall make him once relent 1328 01:31:26,834 --> 01:31:31,126 ♪ His first avowed intent 1329 01:31:31,209 --> 01:31:34,167 ♪ To be a pilgrim ♪ 1330 01:31:34,251 --> 01:31:36,459 Mr Stimpson! 1331 01:31:36,542 --> 01:31:41,501 ♪ Who so beset him round 1332 01:31:41,584 --> 01:31:46,167 ♪ With dismal stories 1333 01:31:46,251 --> 01:31:51,251 ♪ Do but themselves confound 1334 01:31:51,334 --> 01:31:55,667 ♪ His strength the more is... ♪ 1335 01:31:55,751 --> 01:31:59,834 [all clamouring] 1336 01:32:01,167 --> 01:32:02,417 [detective] Excuse me, sir. 1337 01:32:02,501 --> 01:32:04,292 Mr Stimpson? Mr Stimpson? 1338 01:32:04,376 --> 01:32:06,584 [Gwenda] Brian! Brian, stay there. 1339 01:32:06,667 --> 01:32:10,959 - [Laura] Mr Stimpson! - [Mrs Wisely] Laura! Laura! 1340 01:32:11,042 --> 01:32:12,126 [Gwenda] Excuse me! 1341 01:32:12,209 --> 01:32:14,042 [detective] Are you Mr Brian Stimpson of... 1342 01:32:14,126 --> 01:32:18,751 [indistinct conversations] 1343 01:32:20,792 --> 01:32:22,667 Look, do you have kids? 1344 01:32:22,751 --> 01:32:25,334 - I want to have a word with my husband. - Get her out of there! 1345 01:32:25,417 --> 01:32:29,084 [Mrs May sings] ♪ This is my lovely day! 1346 01:32:29,917 --> 01:32:33,667 ♪ This is my lovely day! 1347 01:32:33,751 --> 01:32:37,417 ♪ This is the day I will remember 1348 01:32:37,501 --> 01:32:40,626 ♪ The day I'm dying 1349 01:32:40,709 --> 01:32:44,417 ♪ They can't take this away 1350 01:32:44,501 --> 01:32:47,542 ♪ It will be always mine 1351 01:32:47,626 --> 01:32:49,917 ♪ The sun and the wine 1352 01:32:50,001 --> 01:32:53,167 - ♪ The seabirds flying... ♪ - Would you just come this way, please? 1353 01:32:53,251 --> 01:32:56,209 Now, look, will you please look after her? 1354 01:32:56,292 --> 01:32:58,876 She's your responsibility. Thank you very much. 1355 01:32:58,959 --> 01:33:01,292 [Mrs May continues to sing] 1356 01:33:01,376 --> 01:33:02,876 [Laura] Dad! 1357 01:33:02,959 --> 01:33:05,376 - Dad, help! - Where are they going now? 1358 01:33:05,459 --> 01:33:08,626 [detective] Both seen driving away a silver Porsche sports coupe. 1359 01:33:08,709 --> 01:33:10,667 Furthermore, there are also 1360 01:33:10,751 --> 01:33:14,209 various charges relating to the theft of certain items of gents' clothing, 1361 01:33:14,292 --> 01:33:17,917 including an ecclesiastical vestment, and of a wallet containing 1362 01:33:18,001 --> 01:33:21,251 approximately £1,230 in cash. 1363 01:33:21,334 --> 01:33:23,084 Do you wish to say anything? 1364 01:33:23,167 --> 01:33:25,751 You're not obliged to say anything unless you wish to do so, 1365 01:33:25,834 --> 01:33:29,792 but whatever you say will be taken down in writing and may be given in evidence. 1366 01:33:29,876 --> 01:33:31,584 [Brian] Go right, right! 1367 01:33:31,667 --> 01:33:33,584 [tyres screech, horns honking] 1368 01:33:33,667 --> 01:33:36,542 - [policeman] Right? Eh? - [Brian] No, no! Left, left! 1369 01:33:36,626 --> 01:33:38,834 [tyres screech] 1370 01:33:41,126 --> 01:33:43,584 [Mrs May sings] ♪ My lovely day 1371 01:33:43,667 --> 01:33:46,001 ♪ My lovely day 1372 01:33:46,959 --> 01:33:51,292 - ♪ My lovely day! ♪ - [ticking clock gets louder] 1373 01:33:51,376 --> 01:33:55,959 [fanfare theme] 1374 01:33:59,501 --> 01:34:01,959 [end titles music] 97333