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You know, business
is getting so good
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00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:52,252
in our little restaurant there
3
00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:53,820
that maybe it's time
we put tassels
4
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,155
on the menus.
5
00:00:57,757 --> 00:00:59,757
Murray:
Arch, why don't we close
early tonight, huh?
6
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,394
Not much action at the bar.
7
00:01:01,494 --> 00:01:03,263
What do you say?
I'll get the cash.
8
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:05,065
Hey, hey, talking about cash,
9
00:01:05,165 --> 00:01:07,333
ain't you glad I bought us
that little safe over there?
10
00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:08,477
Oh, now, I don't wanna start
11
00:01:08,501 --> 00:01:10,103
an argument with you but,
you know,
12
00:01:10,203 --> 00:01:12,405
that safe is useless.
13
00:01:12,505 --> 00:01:14,774
That's what you think, wise guy.
14
00:01:14,874 --> 00:01:16,743
Well,
if the Saturday night bandit
15
00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:19,546
breaks in here, right,
and he sees the safe,
16
00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:21,181
he knows the money is in it
17
00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:23,550
and realizes
that he can't open it,
18
00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:25,652
what does he do?
19
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,220
He does what we want him to do.
20
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,222
He robs somebody else.
21
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:33,126
But what's the first
thing he does?
22
00:01:33,226 --> 00:01:35,628
He leaves
the "premisaries."
23
00:01:35,728 --> 00:01:37,030
Right.
24
00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:38,598
Right.
25
00:01:38,698 --> 00:01:40,300
With the safe.
26
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,601
He picks it up.
27
00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:43,303
He tucks it under his arm,
28
00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:45,305
and he exits laughing.
29
00:01:49,876 --> 00:01:51,020
Archie: Well,
let me tell you something,
30
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,112
- laughing boy.
- Please.
31
00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:54,214
If I had wanted
a burglar-proof safe,
32
00:01:54,314 --> 00:01:55,925
I'd have went out
and bought us a big one.
33
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,650
But then I wouldn't have
wanted to lay out
34
00:01:57,750 --> 00:01:59,052
$2,000 or $3,000.
35
00:01:59,152 --> 00:02:01,354
Well, what is this one for?
36
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:02,922
Did you think I was gonna put
37
00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:04,591
the money in this safe?
38
00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:06,459
- Murray: Yes.
- Don't be stupid.
39
00:02:06,559 --> 00:02:08,962
This here serves only a decoy.
40
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,296
What do you mean decoy?
41
00:02:10,396 --> 00:02:12,398
I'll show you what I mean.
42
00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:13,700
I had no idea
43
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,702
putting the money in that safe.
44
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,303
I put the money right here
45
00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:20,039
in this here cigar box, huh?
46
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,908
Where no intelligent bandit
47
00:02:22,008 --> 00:02:24,811
is ever gonna look for it.
48
00:02:24,911 --> 00:02:26,146
That is terrific.
49
00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:27,790
Now how come Brink's
didn't think of that?
50
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,115
Because big companies
51
00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:31,818
always overlook the oblivious.
52
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,798
- Harry: Hey, guys.
- I'm ready to take off.
53
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:36,956
Okay, Harry.
54
00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:38,734
- We'll cover.
- Arch, why don't you go home?
55
00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:40,059
I'll close up.
56
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,928
- No, why don't you go home?
- I'll close up.
57
00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:43,496
No, Arch, it's my turn.
58
00:02:43,596 --> 00:02:44,996
Well, that don't make
no difference.
59
00:02:45,064 --> 00:02:47,133
- I'll stay anyway.
- I'm in no particular hurry
60
00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:48,434
to rush home.
61
00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:51,171
No, Edith and the kid
are over in Nutley, New Jersey,
62
00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:53,206
Aunt Flavia's dying over there.
63
00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:55,808
- Oh, yeah?
- What is she dying from?
64
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:57,944
From 92.
65
00:02:59,879 --> 00:03:01,447
I'm sorry to hear that.
66
00:03:01,548 --> 00:03:03,616
Well, I look at the bright side,
you know.
67
00:03:03,716 --> 00:03:06,719
The old lady is finally
getting out of Jersey.
68
00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:08,454
Okay, guys,
69
00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:10,256
last call here.
70
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:12,258
I'll have a double scotch
old-fashioned
71
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:14,327
with two cherries,
a slice of orange
72
00:03:14,427 --> 00:03:16,329
and a hunk of pineapple.
73
00:03:16,429 --> 00:03:19,999
Are you thirsty
or are you hungry?
74
00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:21,768
Just make the drink, will you?
75
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:25,972
If I want humor, I'll read
the cocktail napkins.
76
00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:27,807
Why after all these years
77
00:03:27,907 --> 00:03:30,877
are you first ordering
an old-fashioned?
78
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:33,146
In case I walk by the Waldorf,
79
00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:34,347
I don't want the doorman
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00:03:34,447 --> 00:03:36,282
to smell beer on my breath.
81
00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:39,018
Van:
I'll have the usual.
82
00:03:39,118 --> 00:03:40,896
- All right, coming up.
- Well, since I don't run
83
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:41,921
a fruit stand here,
84
00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:43,199
I'm gonna give you
a straight scotch,
85
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,524
take it or leave it.
86
00:03:45,925 --> 00:03:47,760
Well, Mr. Van,
you come in every night,
87
00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:49,140
you sit here all night drinking,
88
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,331
I never once see you
go to the toilet.
89
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:52,899
I know.
90
00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:56,803
I like to have something
to do when I'm home.
91
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,271
Okay, guys.
92
00:03:58,371 --> 00:04:00,106
The sooner youse all drink
your booze,
93
00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:01,483
the sooner we'll
be able to lock up
94
00:04:01,507 --> 00:04:03,118
- and get out of here.
- Give us a break, will ya?
95
00:04:03,142 --> 00:04:04,244
I just got my drink.
96
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,114
Hey, how come you're closing
so early, Arch?
97
00:04:08,214 --> 00:04:09,549
What are you worried about?
98
00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:10,649
What do you mean?
99
00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:12,385
You know,
the Saturday night bandit.
100
00:04:12,485 --> 00:04:14,325
Are you scared he's
gonna knock over the joint?
101
00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:16,256
I ain't scared of nothing.
102
00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:18,458
Don't tempt fate, Arch.
103
00:04:18,558 --> 00:04:19,892
Yeah, you've been lucky.
104
00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:21,194
Six or seven saloons
105
00:04:21,294 --> 00:04:22,895
have been hit
in the past two months.
106
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,273
Yeah, you know,
if you catch him,
107
00:04:24,297 --> 00:04:26,199
there's a $2,500 reward.
108
00:04:26,299 --> 00:04:28,268
I know all about that, Hank.
109
00:04:28,368 --> 00:04:29,435
Yeah, if you do,
110
00:04:29,535 --> 00:04:31,971
then you buy a round
for all the regulars?
111
00:04:32,071 --> 00:04:33,873
No, I won't.
112
00:04:33,973 --> 00:04:35,675
Then I'm rooting for the robber.
113
00:04:37,076 --> 00:04:39,312
If anyone comes in here,
114
00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:41,748
we're gonna be ready for them.
115
00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:43,816
Oh, geez,
would you look at this guy?
116
00:04:43,916 --> 00:04:45,385
What the hell is he gonna do
117
00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:47,253
with a baseball bat?
118
00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:49,422
Whatever he does,
he's bound to do better
119
00:04:49,522 --> 00:04:50,556
than the Mets.
120
00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:52,358
Or the Yankees.
121
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:53,769
Well, I don't know.
The Yanks got some
122
00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,161
pretty good hitters, ain't they?
123
00:04:55,261 --> 00:04:57,897
Yeah, Billy Martin
was their best hitter
124
00:04:57,997 --> 00:04:59,632
and he didn't even use a bat.
125
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,069
- Yeah.
- Hey, listen, guys,
126
00:05:03,169 --> 00:05:04,304
let me tell you something.
127
00:05:04,404 --> 00:05:06,239
I got the best protection of all
128
00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:08,007
right down here under the bar.
129
00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:10,176
- Uh-huh?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
130
00:05:10,276 --> 00:05:13,313
this is better
than any baseball bat.
131
00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:14,413
- Oh.
- Hey...
132
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,249
- What are you doing?
- Come on, now.
133
00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:17,617
What is... what's he got?
134
00:05:17,717 --> 00:05:19,085
A gun!
135
00:05:19,185 --> 00:05:21,421
I'm not deaf.
136
00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:23,756
This here is my answer
to any crook
137
00:05:23,856 --> 00:05:26,626
who comes in trying to rob us.
138
00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:28,661
- Freeze.
- Hey, come on, Arch.
139
00:05:28,761 --> 00:05:29,829
Archie:
Oh, look at them.
140
00:05:29,929 --> 00:05:31,464
They're all yellow.
141
00:05:31,564 --> 00:05:33,366
Murray:
Where did that come from?
142
00:05:33,466 --> 00:05:35,368
From Louie the loan shark.
143
00:05:35,468 --> 00:05:36,703
It's on loan, you know,
144
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:38,538
until the emergency is over.
145
00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:40,273
Wait a minute now.
146
00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:41,374
You mean to tell me
147
00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:44,277
that you would shoot
a human being?
148
00:05:44,377 --> 00:05:47,213
Listen to this guy
with the "human being."
149
00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:50,416
When was anybody ever
robbed by a chicken?
150
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,253
Human beings happen to be
151
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:57,423
the kind of people
who rob you, huh?
152
00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:59,759
So "ipso fatso,"
them is the kind of people
153
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:01,494
that you shoot.
154
00:06:01,594 --> 00:06:02,662
Wait a minute, Arch.
155
00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:04,042
How much could he get away with?
156
00:06:04,130 --> 00:06:06,532
You know, today's receipts
are already in the bank.
157
00:06:06,632 --> 00:06:08,177
All we've got is a couple
of hundred dollars
158
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:09,702
to open with tomorrow.
159
00:06:09,802 --> 00:06:12,538
But that's money, ain't it?
160
00:06:12,638 --> 00:06:14,073
You mean you would
shoot somebody
161
00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:16,609
for a couple of hundred dollars?
162
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:19,345
In the war,
I shot people for nothing.
163
00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:22,582
This here is a war too.
164
00:06:22,682 --> 00:06:24,384
It's a war against crime.
165
00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:26,052
So?
166
00:06:26,152 --> 00:06:27,387
So how many wars
167
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:29,322
did we ever win with a ball bat?
168
00:06:31,023 --> 00:06:33,993
Well, your logic overwhelms me.
169
00:06:34,093 --> 00:06:36,129
I know that.
170
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:39,165
And I'll tell you
something else.
171
00:06:39,265 --> 00:06:42,001
If each and every
responsible citizen
172
00:06:42,101 --> 00:06:45,538
of the US of A
was to shoot one crook,
173
00:06:45,638 --> 00:06:48,541
the crime rate
would be cut in half.
174
00:06:48,641 --> 00:06:51,711
Hey, he's got
a point there, you know.
175
00:06:51,811 --> 00:06:53,746
You do not have
to shoot anybody.
176
00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:56,149
All you got to do is hit him,
177
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:59,118
tie him up with this,
and then just call the cops.
178
00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:00,253
Oh, sure,
179
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:02,021
and then ever after pay his room
180
00:07:02,121 --> 00:07:03,923
and board up in Attica,
181
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:06,325
or some other country retreat.
182
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,827
See, the trouble
with youse liberals
183
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:09,462
is you're soft on criminals
184
00:07:09,562 --> 00:07:11,631
and you're hard on the taxpayer.
185
00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:14,200
Well, I'm with Arch.
186
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:15,668
You got to have a gun.
187
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:17,737
Yeah, well,
I'm with Murray,
you got to have a bat.
188
00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:19,939
Yeah, well,
I'm with both of them.
189
00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:21,774
How can you be
with both of them?
190
00:07:21,874 --> 00:07:23,810
Well, I'd hit him over
the head, tie him up,
191
00:07:23,910 --> 00:07:25,678
then I'd shoot him.
192
00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:27,647
Ain't it enough
to shoot the crook,
193
00:07:27,747 --> 00:07:30,216
you got to be mean to him too?
194
00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:32,318
Well, I'm against both.
195
00:07:32,418 --> 00:07:34,253
God gave you brains, use them.
196
00:07:34,353 --> 00:07:36,489
Talk to him, reason with him.
197
00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,224
It's time to go home,
Mr. Van R.
198
00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:39,425
Barney:
See you, fellas.
199
00:07:39,525 --> 00:07:41,525
- Archie: Yeah, all right, fellas.
- Yeah, see you.
200
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,182
All right, you guys,
see you in the morning.
201
00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:47,433
Harry:
Good night, Murray.
202
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:48,935
- Step.
- Well...
203
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:50,870
- Got it.
- Hey, that's good.
204
00:07:54,273 --> 00:07:57,777
I tell you, I agree
with Mr. Van Ranseleer.
205
00:07:57,877 --> 00:07:59,679
Well, let me tell you
something, Murray.
206
00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:01,280
Guns don't kill people.
207
00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:03,382
- I know.
- People kill people.
208
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,084
Don't give me that
bumper sticker stuff
209
00:08:05,184 --> 00:08:06,486
that would... put the gun down.
210
00:08:06,586 --> 00:08:08,564
- Will you just put it down?
- I ain't gonna put it no place.
211
00:08:08,588 --> 00:08:09,655
Go on home, will you?
212
00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:10,866
I said I was gonna close up.
213
00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:12,000
- All right.
- Then put it away,
214
00:08:12,024 --> 00:08:13,192
- will you?
- Go on. Go on.
215
00:08:13,292 --> 00:08:15,194
Go on.
When you close up,
216
00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:16,294
you do it your way.
217
00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:17,673
- All right.
- Don't you... don't.
218
00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:18,697
I close up.
219
00:08:18,764 --> 00:08:20,466
I do it my way, huh?
220
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:21,610
- Look out.
- Yeah, all right.
221
00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:22,668
Give me the cash.
222
00:08:22,768 --> 00:08:23,912
No, I'm not gonna
give you the cash.
223
00:08:23,936 --> 00:08:25,238
- Give me the cash.
- Oh.
224
00:08:27,039 --> 00:08:28,608
- You're kidding.
- Hand it over.
225
00:08:28,708 --> 00:08:29,751
- Here you go.
- You got it.
226
00:08:29,775 --> 00:08:30,910
Yeah, yeah.
227
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,610
I'm gonna put it in
our little, you know,
228
00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:34,180
what you call safe back there.
229
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,581
That's all, huh?
230
00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:37,583
Be careful where you point that.
231
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:38,751
Oh.
232
00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:41,153
All right, you.
233
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,397
Don't do anything stupid,
all right?
234
00:08:42,421 --> 00:08:44,190
I ain't gonna do nothing stupid.
235
00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:45,591
I know what I'm doing.
236
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,135
- Good night.
- All right. Good night.
237
00:08:47,159 --> 00:08:48,461
Good night.
238
00:08:48,561 --> 00:08:50,863
Geez.
239
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,066
Oh, well.
240
00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:57,803
♪ I like New York in June
241
00:08:57,904 --> 00:08:59,939
♪ How about you?
242
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,308
♪ I like a Gershwin tune
243
00:09:02,408 --> 00:09:04,610
♪ How about you?
244
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:06,646
♪ I like a fireside
245
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:08,981
♪ When a storm is due
246
00:09:09,081 --> 00:09:10,917
♪ I like potato chips
247
00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:13,185
♪ Moonlight, motor trips
248
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:17,256
♪ How about you?
249
00:09:17,356 --> 00:09:21,193
♪ I'm mad about good books
250
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,496
♪ I can't get my fill
251
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:30,169
♪ And Greta Garbo's looks
252
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:32,605
♪ Give me a thrill
253
00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:38,044
♪ When all...
254
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:40,246
♪ When all the lights are low
255
00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:42,348
♪ May not be new
256
00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:46,018
♪ But I like it
257
00:09:46,118 --> 00:09:48,487
♪ How about you?
258
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:23,756
Hey, Archie?
259
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:27,760
- It's Murray.
- I'm back.
260
00:10:40,439 --> 00:10:41,607
Hey, Arch?
261
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,564
"Auf wiedersoon," kraut.
262
00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:10,870
Oh, my God.
263
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:13,372
Oh, my God.
264
00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:15,007
What the hell
is the matter with you?
265
00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:16,776
Oh. Geez, what the hell
266
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:18,477
are you doing sneaking back here
267
00:11:18,577 --> 00:11:20,680
at going on 3:00
in the morning?
268
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:22,248
I didn't sneak back here.
269
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:24,550
I came back because
I was worried about you.
270
00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:26,052
- Oh.
- I called you.
271
00:11:26,152 --> 00:11:27,553
Didn't you hear me call you?
272
00:11:27,653 --> 00:11:29,755
No, I didn't hear nothing.
273
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:31,857
Geez, look what could've
happened to me.
274
00:11:31,957 --> 00:11:33,225
I could've killed you.
275
00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:38,164
I would've been the dead one.
276
00:11:41,233 --> 00:11:44,036
Is that really
the point, Murray?
277
00:11:45,571 --> 00:11:47,707
It would've been
all over for you.
278
00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:51,177
I'd have to live with that
the rest of my life.
279
00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:55,948
Get out of my way.
I need a drink.
280
00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:58,217
Geez, then pour one for me too.
281
00:11:58,317 --> 00:12:01,654
Look at this.
My hand is shaking
like a leech.
282
00:12:04,123 --> 00:12:06,358
I know you couldn't
be trusted with a gun,
283
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:07,560
that's why I came back.
284
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:08,660
Oh, well.
All right.
285
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,730
Drink and drink
and go on home again.
286
00:12:10,830 --> 00:12:12,131
Oh, I'm not going home.
287
00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:13,532
I'm staying right here.
288
00:12:13,632 --> 00:12:15,177
If you're gonna be waiting
around for some thief,
289
00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:16,645
I'm gonna make sure
that you don't kill anybody.
290
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,370
Oh, listen, Murray.
291
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:21,841
If I can take that guy
without no gunplay, you know,
292
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:23,442
and collect the $2,500 reward,
293
00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:24,944
I'll do it, see?
294
00:12:25,044 --> 00:12:27,880
I don't wanna use this here
unless I have to.
295
00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:29,591
- That's exactly my point.
- I don't want you
296
00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:31,059
- to be using that anytime.
- Murray, Murray.
297
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:32,918
Murray, let's wait and see
298
00:12:33,018 --> 00:12:35,221
what happens, huh?
299
00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:42,027
Oh.
300
00:13:07,219 --> 00:13:10,222
You know, Arch,
301
00:13:10,322 --> 00:13:11,600
I don't think
we're gonna get that
302
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,326
Saturday night bandit now.
303
00:13:14,426 --> 00:13:16,529
Oh, we'll get him.
304
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,330
It's Sunday morning.
305
00:13:19,665 --> 00:13:20,905
Well, I don't mind shooting him
306
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:22,535
on a Sunday.
307
00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:25,404
You know something?
308
00:13:25,504 --> 00:13:28,040
You could shoot yourself
with that thing.
309
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:31,110
Oh, like, I could,
310
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:32,778
but I ain't gonna.
311
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:35,014
What the hell do you think
I am, a dumbbell?
312
00:13:37,917 --> 00:13:40,519
No, don't be giving me
that look.
313
00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:42,888
Let me tell you something.
314
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:43,988
It's very rare
315
00:13:44,056 --> 00:13:46,592
that you see me
do anything dumb.
316
00:13:46,692 --> 00:13:49,829
That hole in the door
is pretty dumb.
317
00:13:49,929 --> 00:13:51,897
I have to get my pants cleaned.
318
00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:55,801
Geez, did you do that?
319
00:13:57,303 --> 00:13:58,571
Oh, no.
320
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:02,441
I was on the floor
when you shot me.
321
00:14:02,541 --> 00:14:04,410
Oh,
322
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:05,878
you're too neat anyway.
323
00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:08,814
Why the hell
are you always so neat?
324
00:14:08,914 --> 00:14:13,252
Well, it's poor early
"troilet taining."
325
00:14:16,922 --> 00:14:18,557
"Troilet taining"?
326
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,963
Toilet training.
327
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,266
Why? Was your mother
328
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:29,802
changing your diapers too much?
329
00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:31,237
Not enough.
330
00:14:34,139 --> 00:14:38,377
You know, that's kind of
a disgusting story there.
331
00:14:38,477 --> 00:14:41,680
Well, that was
my childhood problem.
332
00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:43,115
What was yours?
333
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:44,650
Getting caught.
334
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:46,051
At what?
335
00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:47,653
Everything.
336
00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:53,192
Look at this here.
337
00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:55,494
That's a dead soldier here.
338
00:14:55,594 --> 00:14:56,638
- Yeah?
- You know what you do
339
00:14:56,662 --> 00:14:57,963
- with a dead soldier?
- Yeah.
340
00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:00,766
- Mm-hmm.
- You take him out of the line.
341
00:15:00,866 --> 00:15:02,835
Ah.
342
00:15:06,872 --> 00:15:09,174
And the very same to you.
343
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:12,912
Hey, you know, Arch,
344
00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:15,214
I think we both
had enough to drink.
345
00:15:15,314 --> 00:15:17,750
Huh?
Oh, I don't think so.
346
00:15:19,885 --> 00:15:22,821
No, we could stand
a little more.
347
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:25,291
I think we ought to leave.
348
00:15:25,391 --> 00:15:26,825
If that robber
is gonna come here,
349
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:29,295
I think we ought to be home
where we'll be safe.
350
00:15:29,395 --> 00:15:32,064
Nah, you mean pass up
a $2,500 reward?
351
00:15:32,164 --> 00:15:33,165
Not a chance.
352
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:36,302
Oh, you'd do anything
for $2,500, wouldn't you?
353
00:15:36,402 --> 00:15:37,436
Wouldn't you?
354
00:15:37,536 --> 00:15:39,505
I wouldn't risk my life for it.
355
00:15:41,006 --> 00:15:42,241
Yeah.
Well, what would you risk
356
00:15:42,341 --> 00:15:43,809
your life for, huh?
357
00:15:43,909 --> 00:15:46,378
Huh? What do you think
your life is worth?
358
00:15:46,478 --> 00:15:48,414
I never put a price on it.
359
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:49,949
Oh, you.
360
00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:52,217
You never put a price on it,
huh?
361
00:15:52,318 --> 00:15:54,086
- No.
- No.
362
00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:58,489
You wouldn't put a price on it
363
00:15:58,557 --> 00:16:02,094
because you were raised rich.
364
00:16:04,596 --> 00:16:06,065
What the hell do you mean
365
00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:08,200
I was raised rich?
366
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:10,436
Raised rich.
367
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:13,505
Well, most Jewish people
is raised rich.
368
00:16:13,605 --> 00:16:14,940
What people?
369
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,575
Oh, look at this guy.
370
00:16:16,675 --> 00:16:17,977
He's trying to make believe
371
00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:20,479
he don't know
what I'm talking about.
372
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:21,680
What people?
373
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:23,882
I'll give you a hint.
374
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,352
Starts with a G.
375
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:28,620
G?
376
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:32,024
For Jewish.
377
00:16:32,124 --> 00:16:33,525
Oh, I see, G.
378
00:16:33,625 --> 00:16:36,929
Well, that makes you a J.
379
00:16:37,029 --> 00:16:38,664
How do you figure?
380
00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:41,000
Gentile.
381
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,035
Absolutely right.
382
00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:46,472
And another thing
383
00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:49,775
about youse people, see,
384
00:16:49,875 --> 00:16:51,844
you Jewish people,
youse always had
385
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:54,346
a happy childhood.
386
00:16:54,446 --> 00:16:56,348
Hmm?
387
00:16:56,448 --> 00:17:01,020
I always wondered
why I was always such
a sad kid.
388
00:17:05,624 --> 00:17:08,894
Were you really
honest to God a sad kid?
389
00:17:08,994 --> 00:17:10,129
Yeah.
390
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:19,304
Well, maybe you ain't Jewish.
391
00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:21,206
Ever think of that?
392
00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:27,012
No. I'm Jewish.
393
00:17:29,915 --> 00:17:31,884
And if you're Jewish,
394
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:35,387
then you had
395
00:17:35,487 --> 00:17:36,922
a bar mitzvah, right?
396
00:17:37,022 --> 00:17:38,590
That's right.
397
00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:41,727
Then you wasn't sad.
398
00:17:41,827 --> 00:17:44,029
What the hell
are you complaining about?
399
00:17:47,266 --> 00:17:49,034
I never had no chance
400
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:52,137
when I was 13 years of age
to say,
401
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:54,073
"Now, I am a man."
402
00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:57,276
You could've said that any time
403
00:17:57,376 --> 00:17:58,677
without a bar mitzvah.
404
00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:02,548
Oh, why, well, I mean,
I did say it when I was 18.
405
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:05,117
I went up to my old man
on that day, and I said,
406
00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:06,785
"Hey, pop,
407
00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:11,957
today I am a man."
408
00:18:12,057 --> 00:18:14,593
What did your old man say then?
409
00:18:14,693 --> 00:18:16,528
He hit me with a shovel.
410
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:25,671
Listen, if it's any
consolation to you,
411
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:28,740
you're very special to me,
412
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:31,076
and I think you're a man.
413
00:18:31,176 --> 00:18:32,845
Well, that's very nice.
414
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,347
That ain't no real bar mitzvah.
415
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:36,915
Sure it is.
416
00:18:38,517 --> 00:18:40,085
Here's a fountain pen.
417
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:47,159
What the hell was that?
418
00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:49,261
What?
419
00:18:49,361 --> 00:18:50,361
- What?
- Shh.
420
00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:53,966
There's a noise out here
at the door.
421
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,601
Maybe it's the wind.
422
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:58,137
Don't jump to confusions.
423
00:18:58,237 --> 00:18:59,938
Let's check it out.
424
00:19:16,688 --> 00:19:19,424
Well, it was the wind.
425
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:20,592
But the next time,
426
00:19:20,692 --> 00:19:24,329
it could really
be somebody, you know.
427
00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:25,864
Where's my rod?
428
00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:29,268
It's here, safe in the safe.
429
00:19:29,368 --> 00:19:30,636
Give me my rod.
430
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:31,737
Oh, no.
431
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:33,138
No.
432
00:19:33,238 --> 00:19:35,407
We're gonna use these, Arch.
433
00:19:36,642 --> 00:19:39,178
Oh, geez.
Are you silly?
434
00:19:39,278 --> 00:19:41,480
A little hunk
of clothesline there
435
00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:45,083
to handle some huge colored guy?
436
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:48,187
How do you know
it's a huge colored guy?
437
00:19:48,287 --> 00:19:49,721
All right.
All right.
438
00:19:49,821 --> 00:19:54,660
I ain't prejudiced.
A huge Puerto Rican then.
439
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,161
Murray, come on.
440
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:57,261
Give me the rod.
441
00:19:57,329 --> 00:19:58,373
- No.
- Murray, give me, give me.
442
00:19:58,397 --> 00:20:00,766
No. No.
Stay away from the safe,
will you? Hey.
443
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,634
Woman:
Good morning.
444
00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:10,943
Both:
Did you say that?
445
00:20:12,177 --> 00:20:14,546
Woman:
No. We did.
446
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,089
Hiya, guys.
447
00:20:24,189 --> 00:20:25,490
Both:
Hi.
448
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,595
Drop the rope.
449
00:20:32,030 --> 00:20:33,465
Woman:
And the bat.
450
00:20:37,936 --> 00:20:39,638
Just relax.
451
00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:08,567
Harry:
♪ I'm just a gigolo
452
00:21:08,667 --> 00:21:11,069
♪ And everywhere I go
453
00:21:20,679 --> 00:21:21,847
Holy cow.
454
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:23,015
What happened?
455
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:25,384
Archie:
What does it look like,
you dope?
456
00:21:25,484 --> 00:21:27,486
- Geez. I better call the cops.
- No, untie us.
457
00:21:27,586 --> 00:21:28,666
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
458
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,722
- Oh, geez.
- What the hell are doing here?
459
00:21:30,822 --> 00:21:34,326
What...
kind of a jerk are you?
460
00:21:34,426 --> 00:21:36,862
It's too late in
the morning for God's sake.
461
00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:38,697
This whole thing
is Murray's fault.
462
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:40,532
Him and his baseball bat.
463
00:21:40,632 --> 00:21:43,802
You're lucky that neither
one of us got killed.
464
00:21:43,902 --> 00:21:46,104
The two of youse
couldn't do a thing, huh?
465
00:21:46,204 --> 00:21:49,007
Well, not against the two
that come in here.
466
00:21:49,107 --> 00:21:50,542
Big guys?
467
00:21:54,079 --> 00:21:55,947
You wouldn't believe
the size of them.
468
00:21:57,082 --> 00:21:58,350
Yeah.
And one of them packing
469
00:21:58,450 --> 00:22:00,485
a big bazooka or something.
470
00:22:00,585 --> 00:22:02,054
Oh, here.
Here, here.
471
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:03,155
Look at there.
472
00:22:03,255 --> 00:22:05,891
And blew that hole
right in the door there.
473
00:22:05,991 --> 00:22:08,160
Which, fortunately,
474
00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:10,128
if nobody says the wrong thing,
475
00:22:10,228 --> 00:22:13,131
our burglars insurance
will have to pay for that.
476
00:22:15,033 --> 00:22:16,335
Oh.
477
00:22:16,435 --> 00:22:19,071
Oh, the safe's gone
and the dough with it.
478
00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:21,006
Oh, no.
The money wasn't in the safe.
479
00:22:21,106 --> 00:22:24,876
The money was in Archie's
cigar box.
480
00:22:27,312 --> 00:22:28,914
Did you put some money
in the cigar box?
481
00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:30,982
Leave me alone, will you?
482
00:22:33,251 --> 00:22:36,355
Just wouldn't know.
483
00:22:36,455 --> 00:22:39,358
Couple of damn fool women
484
00:22:39,458 --> 00:22:41,026
go looking for money
485
00:22:41,126 --> 00:22:43,829
where it ain't supposed to be.
486
00:22:43,929 --> 00:22:45,464
Women?
487
00:22:45,564 --> 00:22:50,369
You mean, you got held up
by a couple of women?
488
00:22:50,469 --> 00:22:52,003
Well, wait a minute, Harry.
489
00:22:52,104 --> 00:22:53,438
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
490
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:55,340
Wait until the guys
hear about this.
491
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:56,551
- Oh, wait a minute.
- Wait a minute.
492
00:22:56,575 --> 00:22:57,909
- Murray: Harry.
- Wait a minute,
493
00:22:58,009 --> 00:22:59,644
you ain't gonna say
nothing about this
494
00:22:59,745 --> 00:23:00,779
to the guys.
495
00:23:00,879 --> 00:23:02,314
Uh, yes I am.
496
00:23:02,414 --> 00:23:03,715
- Oh, Harry.
- Listen now, Harry.
497
00:23:03,815 --> 00:23:05,317
- Harry.
- Uh, yeah?
498
00:23:05,417 --> 00:23:07,152
Murray, yeah?
499
00:23:07,252 --> 00:23:08,820
You like your job, Harry?
500
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:10,422
Huh?
501
00:23:10,522 --> 00:23:11,590
Yeah.
33387
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