All language subtitles for sdfghjkl;sdyuik

[man] Hey, babe. Morning.

I just wanted to give you a wake-up call.

[woman] Hi, Charlie. Thanks.

Love you.

[Charlie] I love you too, babe.

Have a great day.

[woman] Alexa, play "Miss You Much."

[Alexa] "Miss You Much" by Janet Jackson.

["Miss You Much" playing]

♪ Shot ♪

♪ Like an arrow through my heart ♪

♪ That's the pain I feel ♪

♪ I feel whenever we're apart ♪

♪ Not to say that I'm in love with you ♪

♪ But who's to say that I'm not ♪

♪ I just know that it feels wrong... ♪

Danica, you got this.

♪ It makes my body hot ♪

♪ So let me tell ya, baby ♪

♪ I'll tell your mama
I'll tell your friends ♪

♪ I'll tell anyone
Whose heart can comprehend ♪

♪ Send it in a letter, baby
Tell you on the phone ♪

♪ I'm not the kind of girl
Who likes to be alone ♪

♪ I miss you much ♪

♪ Boy, oh, I miss you much ♪

♪ I really miss you much... ♪

Thank you. Hey.

- Morning.
- Busy today.

It's a normal Monday.

- Got you right here.
- Frank, here.

Your money's no good here.

You gotta stop doing this. I have to pay.

- Says who, Danica?
- Says me.

You're gonna lose your business.

- Here.
- And the rose. I told you I...

That you have a boyfriend.

I'm well aware.

See you tomorrow.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

♪ I'll tell your mama
I'll tell your friends ♪

♪ I'll tell anyone... ♪

[elevator bell dings]

♪ Send it in a letter, baby
Tell you on the phone ♪

♪ I'm not the kind of girl
Who likes to be alone ♪

♪ I miss you much ♪

- Good morning.
- [woman] Good morning.

Thank you.

Another day, another rose
from your coffee shop man.

I keep telling him I have a boyfriend.

Yeah, well, don't tell him your boyfriend
lives, like, a thousand miles away.

[Danica sighs]

Frank has been trying to take you out
for, like, three years.

Go out with him.

I'm not attracted to him in the least.

Can we stop talking about this?

I need the right headspace
for this meeting.

Thank you.

Look at this tiny, adorable box.

This is the new perfume by Heather Day.

It's called "The List."

And it comes with this teeny
little scroll. Isn't it so cute?

And this feather and ink.

And it's for a woman to make a list
of what she wants in a man.

Isn't that adorable?

And they'd like to market it
as a single woman's fragrance. Hello.

They've asked us to come up
with a campaign and a website.

Now, we don't have a lot of time on this,
'cause they're...

[mimics airplane engine] gonna fly in
from Paris in just a week for the pitch.

So, I'm gonna need somebody strong
on this one.

But I'm gonna give it to...
Drumroll, please...

- Danica's team!
- [soft shriek]

Danica. [exhales]

Ooh, congratulations.

How do you feel?

I don't wanna know.

You were not my first choice.

Just kidding. Am I?

Um, I don't think I need to tell you this,
but this is obviously very important.

Yes, I know that. Thank you.

You know, your annual's coming up
at the end of this month, isn't it?

I know how you wanna make senior VP,
right?

And, you know, the board is always looking
for a success story,

especially around review time.

How do you think I got this job?

And these jobs.

- [Danica] Yeah.
- Right?

Honestly, I should've gone a size bigger.
Anyway...

I will not disappoint you.

All right, let's get to work.

[man] Hi, Kalli.

Good morning.

Just because we're the only single ones
in the group

does not mean we have a wish list.

Girl, I know.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have
written yours on the company computer.

And maybe you shouldn't have written yours
on the bathroom stall.

Girl, I got lBS.

Okay? I get bored.

Plus, I repainted it.

In nail polish?

And what's wrong with having a list, huh?

Did you know that my mother met my father
after she wrote a list?

Everything she wrote on that thing,

my daddy, he was all of it.

Let me see yours again.

- Come on. [chuckles]
- Okay.

Okay.

- Gimme, gimme, gimme.
- Mm-hmm.

- "Tall, handsome...
- Yes.

Great body,

good job, professional,

has never been to jail,

no baby-mama drama."

What if I told you
that Charlie was everything on this list?

What if I told you how can you know that?

- [knock on door]
- Yes?

Danica, your mother's on line two.

Thank you.

You spoke her up.

This should be good.

- Shh!
- Go and answer it.

[beep]

Hi, Mommy.

Hey, darling. Listen, I need your help.

It's your sister. She's getting out.

Mom...

Listen, I know you don't want me to think

that you think you're too good
to give your family some help.

Especially not after everything
I sacrificed to put you through college.

Mama, I know that.

- But...
- Guilt trip.

- Shh!
- You know, working two jobs,

having to put up with Buckwheat,
and you know how Buckwheat is, you know?

And I have to say I did all that
'cause I love you girls.

You know? And I love your sister.

She's just... I don't know, she just...

It doesn't matter. [chuckles]

She's better now, thank God.
And she's clean.

- Um, Mama, what do you need me to do?
- Ah.

Darling, would you do me a favor?
Would you please go and pick her up?

She asked me to come get her in my car,
but my car's not doing so well.

If you could pick her up,
I'd appreciate it.

No.

- What time?
- What time?

Honey, it's jail.
She's been in there five years.

You get there when you can,
like the song said.

Okay, I'll pick her up after work.

And, uh, we'll be by your house by six.

The hell you bringing her to my house for?

Mommy!

Do you realize that the last time
she stayed with me,

all my copper was gone?

I don't know how she got it out the wall.

I don't know how she got it
out the toaster.

My QVC toaster, my favorite toaster.

That shit cost me $35,000 to fix.

You know what she made
on that little bit of copper she got?

29.95.

- Now, that's a bitch.
- You just said that she was clean.

I meant she was clean enough
to go to your house.

See, 'cause you got an apartment.
You don't have any copper.

Mom, but I do have a toaster.

Well, then lock your shit up,
or that bitch will take everything.

Everything.

- Bye, baby.
- I didn't say yes.

Your sister really coming
to stay with you?

Looks that way.

- [door buzzer in distance]
- [Danica sighs]

I don't know where Tanya is,
and I done come all this way.

[Tanya] That's it, right there.

- I think Tanya got a ride already.
- Now to the left!

- Eat it!
- [man] I'm not hungry.

[Danica] Hey, Tanya!

- [man] No condom forever.
- What?

- Tanya!
- [Tanya] Hey.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Sis! Hey, girl, hey.

Who the fuck is that?

- That's my sister.
- Sister, how are you doing?

Hey, girl. Go on and smack that ass.

In nine months, you'll have a new nephew.

What? Boy, please.

- Okay, I'm going now.
- Yeah, that's it.

That's it, right there. [grunts]

Hey, now, don't leave me.

I still wanna ride home with y'all.

Girl, is that OJ?

I'm almost finished. Okay, to the left.

No, that's a white Bronco.
I know that's OJ.

- [Tanya] Yeah, boy!
- Girl, I don't care.

[Tanya] To the left!
There you go, right there.

I still want to ride with you.
Don't leave me, okay?

- Just give me a minute. We almost through.
- [man] When I come, you go...

What? Doesn't look like... Goddamn it!

- [Tanya] You gonna eat this.
- I'm not hungry.

I'm a vegetarian.

- [Tanya] You a what?
- I don't eat pork.

[Tanya] You gonna eat something today.
This ain't pork. This is roast beef.

- Eat it!
- Will you stop looking at them.

I can't help it. It's like watching
a Love & Hip Hop reunion.

[Tanya and man grunting]

- Oh, my God. Are they fighting?
- I don't know.

- [Kalli] Should we help them?
- [Tanya] No, you gonna die tonight.

Someone should help him.

[clatter and thud]

[Tanya] Shit.

Thought you was tearing something up.

I don't think so.

Here she come.

[panting]

- [door shuts]
- [exhaling]

Girl, this car is nice!

Thank you.

One of y'all got some hand sanitizer
and some mouthwash?

Bitch, you need a bath.

Why couldn't he bring you
back to the city?

Girl, I don't know him.
He was up here visiting his wife, okay?

And I needed to get some.

I've been locked up for five years.

You know how hard it is
to maintain your virginity up in here?

Virginity?

Some of these women
be looking real good, okay?

Especially the ones that be working out.

There's this one chick in there,

- her name Dude.
- Stop.

Just stop.

It didn't even say male or female
on her birth certificate.

It said "hetero-lesbian-sexual."

- [chuckles] I can't.
- Me neither.

Girl, we need to get up outta here.
You need to start this car.

'Cause I don't know if this fool
gonna wake up.

Yeah, I had to choke the hell outta him.

Cutting up. I had to teach him.

I'm sure he'll wake up at some point.

Why do you keep looking up in the mirror?

- For the police.
- I didn't kill him. I just choked him out.

He will come back to air soon.

They always do.

I am so happy to be out, though.

I can't tell.
Seems like you wanna go back.

No, I am serious, okay?

I do not wanna go to jail no more.
I am gonna do better.

I promise you that.
I mean, I even talked to the Lord.

- The Lord?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

- What? You're praying now?
- No.

Lord, as in "Warlord."

That was my main snack
before I went into jail.

And I had to tell him.

I said, "Lord, I am no longer
gonna be doing anything illegal.

I am only gonna be doing what my
probation officer wrote on this paper."

- Let me see that.
- Right here.

Yep, I'm doing everything on that paper.

Except for, maybe, like,
selling some weed,

or maybe, like, a hand job here or there.

Or maybe I'll be out here
shaking ass a little bit.

No, no, no, no, no.
You are not selling anything.

What? Girl, how am I supposed
to make a living?

You're gonna get a job.
We're gonna help you get a normal job.

And you're gonna get on the straight
and narrow, okay? You understand?

Why are we talking white?
You never done that.

Girl, shit, we gotta talk white
in that office.

But we in the car right now.
Black up, nigga. Damn, come on!

- What's up?
- Nigga?

Look, you know Mama said
that I can't stay with her, right?

So, you can't take me over there.

I know. So you're gonna stay with me.

- For real?
- For real.

Ooh! We finna turn
this shit up, y'all!

We finna turn it up!

Free at last! Free at last!

I'm about to go out here
and shake this ass. Can we go to the club?

[Danica] Come on in.

- [light switch clicks]
- Ooh!

This is nice!

Girl...

This... All this shit is you right here?

- Okay. You didn't have to give up no ass?
- [Danica] No.

- Get your little butt off the couch.
- Nothing like that?

- This is so nice!
- Your sister makes the upper six figures.

Okay? She's using her brain.

Yeah, well, where I come from,
you usually have to use your brain

in order to get something like this,
you know?

'Cause I don't know no dudes
that wanna just mess with a girl

- 'cause of her brains.
- [all chuckling]

Wait, wait. I do know one dude
that likes to fuck brains.

And that's the dude
that's in cell block D.

Geez, Sis. You know what?

Don't get it twisted,
'cause I know some smart hoes.

Don't sleep on me. I know some smart hoes.

- You remember Rhonda?
- Yes.

Yes. Man, she had a couch just like this
in her apartment in the projects.

But she was a ho. She was definitely a ho.

They don't smell like roaches in here
or nothing.

This is so nice. And look at this.

Girl, how you get sparkles
in the back of an animal? Is this a bear?

- What is this? A Care Bear?
- [Danica] Come on.

- Come on.
- That is crazy.

- It's gonna stay clean.
- It's so clean.

I'm gonna show you
where you'll be sleeping.

And look at your plants.

Like, oh, my goodness.
This looks like it is outta Avatar.

[gasps] I get to sleep in here?

No four to a cell or nothing?

I haven't been in a bed like this
in, like, five to ten years.

[grunts] Ooh!

Ooh! All these your clothes?

Yup, those are all mine.
I'll make room for yours.

Oh. I don't have any clothes.

I'm sure you can find
something to wear in there.

Go take a shower.

This isn't Bailey.

- Her and Bailey broke up.
- [Danica] Kalli.

Wait a minute. Weren't y'all engaged?
Didn't he propose to you?

- Yeah. He's getting married soon.
- Kalli.

What? What happened?
Y'all been dating for, like, six years.

Well...

He met someone else. And he is very happy.

And I am very happy.

Okay?

That is bullshit.

She's even going to the wedding.

You gotta be lying to me.

- No, girl.
- Kalli, stop.

Just... Just, I got this. Thanks.

Um, it's all for the best.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm happy.

I am dating an amazing guy.

And when did this happen? What's his name?

- Charlie.
- [sighs]

Charlie? So, I wanna meet him.

Me too.

You haven't met him?

No. When is she gonna meet him, Danica?

It's time for you to go home.

No, we need to work on this project,
and I want wine.

Ooh, bring me back some wine too, girl.

You are not allowed to have any wine.

- Says who?
- Your probation requirements.

AA meetings, get a job.

No alcohol or drugs, and no fighting.

A bitch better not bother me.
I'm telling you right now.

Better leave me alone. 'Cause I will
pop off if I gotta do all of that.

- Shower. Go.
- [groans] All right.

I got you.

Ooh! Girl!

This bathtub is everything!

Do you know how long it's been
since I've been in a bathtub?

- [water running]
- The water is hot too!

What time they turn the hot water off?

- Never.
- Never? They don't turn it off?

- Forever?
- Yes.

Ah, shoot.

When I come outta here, my coochie
gonna be so clean, it's gonna squeak.

I don't want her to know all that stuff
about Charlie or Bailey.

You gotta stop.

Hey, sorry.

You gotta slowly tell her things,
because, um...

she has to process them.

She can be a little violent.

Yeah, well, she needs to be violent
with his ass.

[scoffs]

Danica, he proposed to you
and then walked off with that girl.

[muffled grunt]

I'm happy.

Hello?

With myself and with Charlie.

So... So, please,

just stop.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- To happy.
- To happy.

Yay.

I don't think it should be on the nose.

- Yeah, I agree.
- Yeah.

The ad should say, "The List."

But that's on the nose.

Kalli, that's the name of the product.

[both laugh]

Girl, you know if you nail this...

I know, I know.

- It's a lot of money.
- I know.

But I can't think about it.

- We need to just do it. Okay.
- Yes.

♪ ...make you wanna get this thing in ♪

♪ They call me Tanya
And I will fuck you up ♪

♪ You better not talk to me
I'll knuckle up! ♪

- ♪ Hey! ♪
- Is she rapping?

Yes, which is why we should finish
the rest of this wine

- before she comes out.
- Ooh! Please!

Girl, the corner office,

the huge bonus,

the promotion.

Oof!

- [cell phone vibrates]
- And we're done.

Your phone. It says, "Bae."

Is that Charlie?

Answer it.

- Hello?
- [Charlie] Hey.

Damn, I've been thinking about you
all day.

That's funny, because we've been
talking about you all day.

Oh. Uh, who is this?

It's Kalli, Danica's friend.

Yeah, she told me a lot about you.

She lied. I'm a size six.

[chuckling]

And she's told me a lot more about you.

So... [clears throat]
when am I gonna see you?

Oh... [stammering]

[whispering] Damn, he sounds fine!

- Hey.
- Yeah, I didn't know you had company.

- You wanna talk later?
- No, it's a good time to talk now.

How was your day?

Stressful, but I'm good.

What did you do today?

Well, we got the account that I wanted.

And we are working on it as we speak.

Oh, wow. That's great. Congrats.

I'm trying to be cool, but I really want
this campaign to be amazing.

I would be the first black woman
to be a VP in the company.

Dang, girl, I didn't know
you was getting married!

You bought a wedding dress and everything.

Baby, can I call you back?

"Baby"? Is that Charles?

Is that who you bought
this wedding dress for?

- Did you buy a wedding dress for Charlie?
- I'll call you back.

- Y'all getting married?
- Tanya!

Why did you do that?

I just wanted to talk to him.

[screaming] Take off my dress!

[soft chuckle, sigh]

What's wrong with you, homegirl?

Who you think you're yelling at
up in here?

- Who you think... Bitch!
- Come on. I'll help you get out of that.

Don't you know I just got out
of prison, bitch?

Don't you know
you will get fucked up over here?

- Okay, come.
- What do you think this is?

- I'll help you out the dress.
- I'm fresh outta jail.

You don't talk to nobody
fresh outta jail like that.

- [Kalli] Come on.
- The fuck she... You think...

You think you won't
get your ass whipped here, bitch?

Tanya! No. No.

- I'm just saying.
- I'm gonna help you take this off, okay?

Do she know who she's dealing with?

- Come on.
- I don't give a fuck!

- You got me working this shit.
- You will get tore up out here.

You will get tore up!

I don't care if your house clean, bitch.
It'll get dirty in a minute.

Ooh! She lucky I didn't punch her
in her damn face.

Hollering at me.

I don't like that.

You know what? I saw Bridesmaids.
I will take a shit in this dress.

Please don't do that.

Look...

I'm worried about her.

She's selling that shit, ain't she?

Yeah, I knew you can't live like this
without selling that shit.

No. No, no, no, it's nothing like that.

Look, Bailey broke her heart.

She pretends that everything is okay,
but she had the whole wedding planned.

And bought this dress.

She bought it that day. And that night
he told her he'd met someone else.

And then she went into a deep depression,
and she was so sad.

Her work was suffering.
Look, I'm still really concerned.

- Yeah, I'm gonna fuck him up.
- No. She doesn't want that.

You don't know her, okay?
She has a mean streak

and a hood streak, just like me.

We come from the same place, all right?

And we gonna tear his ass up.

Your sister has changed.

Dang.
Money take the gangster out you, huh?

That's like Puffy walking around
calling himself "Brother Love" and shit.

Well, you know what?

She got Charlie now.

He's probably the one.

Mmm. That's another thing
I'm concerned about.

Damn, you concerned about a lot of shit.

Look, all I'm saying is she met him online
a year ago.

And she doesn't date anybody else.
She only talks to him.

Well, that's her, you know? She into that
monogram type of relationship stuff.

Mo... Monogamy?

Oh, yeah, that's the word.
Yeah, "monogamy."

- That's when just one people, right?
- Well... Yeah.

Just two people.

- Just the two? One-to-one relationship?
- Yeah.

Well, I'm concerned.

They can't even Skype. He says
his computer or his camera is broken.

And the Wi-Fi where he is
isn't strong enough,

'cause he works on a offshore oil rig.

What the hell is Skype?

Oh, oh! Wait a minute.

I know, I know. That's, like, okay,
you know when I was in jail, right?

When I was in jail we used to be in
the rec room watching TV all the time.

And there was this one show
that used to come on all the time,

and this what this sound like.

It's on MTV.
It's a show called Catfish, right?

And they... If the person you trying
to talk to on the computer

don't wanna Skype with you,
they probably not real.

That's what's going on.

She dating the ghosted.
She got ghosted right now.

So, what we gonna do is
we gonna contact Catfish, right?

No, we contact Catfish.

We gonna email them or call them.
Probably gotta email.

And then we let 'em know what's going on,
and, bam, we got him.

- And then we get her some real dick!
- Tanya.

Tanya, I will not be a part of that.
And do not tell her I told you.

All right, I ain't no snitch. I got you.

[Charlie] Hey, babe. Why are you so quiet?

I'm sorry. I need to explain to you about
the wedding dress. I know you heard it.

I bought the dress when I thought
my ex and I were going to get married.

We didn't, and I still have it.

I didn't want you to think
I bought it for you.

Well, I wouldn't mind if you did, baby.

I mean, I do feel
like you're my soul mate.

Charlie, what if you met me
and I'm not the person you think I am?

I mean, what if we don't have
any chemistry?

- We're so good on the phone.
- [Charlie chuckles]

Don't be afraid of that, babe.

We'll be good together. I promise you.

I wish I could see you.

Yeah, I'm gonna put in another request
to upgrade the Wi-Fi.

But they're on this crazy budget
around here.

- I wish I was there.
- I wish you were here too.

Look, I gotta turn in. Early morning.

But, um, I love you.

I love you too.

- Good night.
- Night.

[Danica] Tanya.

- Wake up.
- [soft snoring]

- Come on. Get up.
- I told you I stabbed my friend up.

[sighs] Jail flashback. Sorry.

I'm sorry about your wedding dress.

Oh, forget it.
It's going to be a great day.

Come on. You gotta get up.

You have to find a job so you can be in
good standing with your probation officer,

and then you gotta find a place
to go to your AA meetings.

I found this address.

I don't know why I think I know it,
but it's close to my job.

I need to talk to you about this
finding a job and being clean and stuff.

I was thinking, if I just had
a little bit of weed...

Here, put this on.

And we...

We need to do something with your hair.

[groans]

Would you... Would you stand up straight?

You know it's been a long time
since I wore heels.

Oh, Lord.

Let's grab a coffee real quick.

Well, not really quick.

These heels giving me an earthquake
in my panties.

[Danica] Let's go.

You know I can't do these heels like this.

Keep going. You'll get it.

[woman] I want the one over there, please.

Thank you. Come on.

They let the disabled cut?
I'm sorry, y'all.

Okay.

- Hey.
- Good morning.

Good morning.

- Hey.
- Hey. How you doing?

- This is my sister, Tanya.
- All right.

- She needs an espresso, please.
- I can help you with that.

I need a joint.

I can't help you with the joint.
I can help you with the espresso.

You're gonna let me pay for this.

- I can't hear you. What are you saying?
- Girl.

You need to go ahead and just, yeah,
move the foam around a little more.

- Your steam not hot enough.
- Yeah, we've been having trouble with it.

You know what? There's a valve on the back
that gets stuck sometimes.

- Really?
- If you look in the lower back part...

I could help you with that.

Check it out.
The lower back, it gets stuck.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, but no. Down, lower.

You gotta get lower, baby.

You gotta bend over, baby.
You gotta get a little lower. Underneath.

Yeah, bend at the knee. There you go.

- Yeah!
- Tanya!

You, shut up!
Yeah, now you feeling, you feeling it?

- Right here?
- Yeah, right up in there.

- You feel something warm?
- Absolutely.

It's a little hot.
A little steamy, a little bit.

- It is hot, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

Now, put your two fingers in there.
You gotta put two fingers up in there.

- I...
- And whirl it around a little bit.

Bitch, move. I can't see him. Move...
Bitch, get out the way.

- You should feel something warm there.
- Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. And then move them around
a little bit.

Yeah, move them around.

Now slowly pull 'em out.
You should feel a little click.

Go ahead and try it now.

- [Frank] That's crazy.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.
- That's crazy. I didn't even know.

- [steam hissing]
- Look at that.

[Tanya] Whoo!

That's something else, right?
Damn, who knew? How'd you know?

You know, I was in...

I was in charge of the coffee
for all the guards.

- Okay.
- They used to call me Negress Barista.

I got you, but guards, you said "guards."
What'd you mean?

- Yeah. I did a bit.
- Okay.

- How long you been out?
- [Danica] Not long.

She's going down to
the unemployment office down the street.

Danica, unemployment office?

I mean, with the whole felon thing,
that's gonna be hard.

Yeah, I tried to tell her.

- Why don't you just work here?
- For real?

I mean... obviously we need help.

- [Tanya] Oh, snap.
- Isn't this great?

Yeah, for real.

Liliana, get this young lady
an application.

That's what's up. Yeah, this is so dope.

I can come back there?

- Absolutely.
- Like, right now?

- Right now right now.
- Right now right now?

Absolutely. Come on. Come around back.

Feels special coming around the back side.

Listen, I appreciate you
trying to do this for me.

- Absolutely, yeah.
- But my sister is a... bit much.

No, I got it.

- I mean, we...
- [Tanya] Where... Excuse me.

Where it say "felon,"
what you want me to put right there?

- I'll take care of the felon part.
- That's what I'm talking about.

All right. You gonna be a good boss.
I can tell.

- I can't be responsible for her actions.
- Really, Danica, I got it.

- How hard could it be?
- You should...

Where it say "sex,"
what you want me to put right there?

Uh...

- Female, right?
- What you wanna put?

Plenty. [chuckles]

Just so you know.

- Plenty.
- See?

You said you got it.

- You got it.
- I did say that, didn't I?

Um, excuse me. Where it say "position,"
which one do you want me to be in?

What position you wanna be in?

Well, you know, I prefer doggy style.

But you seem more like a missionary.

But you know what?
I could show you the spider.

You heard about the spider? You ain't did
the spider? You know nothing about that.

Just legs everywhere.

Just legs. Just, Whoo!

You know I got some legs on me, so...

Wait, I'm gonna show you that spider, boy.

Uh... for references,
who do you want me to put down?

Me.

[Tanya] Nah, I ain't never slept with you.

You know what? I'm gonna go ahead
and put Malik down.

Yeah.

Okay. Thank you.

Tanya, call me later.

Yeah, girl, I'm gonna call you
as soon as I get off.

Yeah, this should be fun.

Okay, what do you smell?

- Jasmine.
- What else?

- Lilac?
- Hillary?

Yeah, I'm on a strict no smelling diet
this week.

Lost four pounds.

- Amazing, congrats.
- Okay, I came up with something.

Okay, you ready?

"The List.

Are you on it?"

Sounds scary.

- Right?
- Yeah. I like that. Scary's good, right?

Yeah, it's like Schindler's List.

- But that was a good list.
- Yes.

Yes, 'cause he saved a lot of people.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I'm just gonna say I think this is stupid.

Okay? Who makes a wish list for a man?

Look, I don't know. I'm just having
a whole issue with the whole thing, okay?

I like other lists. Angie's. Craig's.

I just think most lists
have been dominated.

Listen, how about this?

We're not here to judge the product.

- Right.
- Okay?

We're here to just brand it and sell it.

- Brand it and sell it.
- Yeah. Bring back some ideas.

Because we're running out of time.

- Yeah, okay.
- You got it. We can do that.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

- [Frank] Son, your mama's here.
- Okay.

Pack your things up. Make sure
you behave for your mama, all right?

And I'll be at your game tomorrow.

- Okay.
- Okay. I love you.

Love you too. See you there.

- [Frank] Bye.
- Bye.

That's your kid?

- Yeah.
- He is so cute.

- Thank you.
- You a good dude.

- Thanks, Tanya.
- You want some? Can I get you some?

Get me some what?

I mean... Never mind.

Unless you want it.

But I just wanna show my appreciation
for you giving me this job.

I appreciate that you're appreciative.

Man, when I tell my PO that I got a job,
he is gonna be so shocked.

I thought I was gonna
have to sleep with him or something.

Anyways, all I gotta do is AA meetings
once a week,

and it's gonna be breezy, 'cause my
sister gave me this address right here.

- Do you know where this is at?
- Do I know where it's at?

- It's here. Yeah.
- This is here?

Oh, my... I am so damn lucky.

- Why are you so lucky?
- I need to play the lotto or something.

Maybe you should. You know what? You could
help me set up later for the AA meeting.

- Cool.
- I wanna ask you something.

You and your sister close?

- Y'all seem close, I mean.
- Yeah, we...

We've been close
ever since we was little kids.

You know, she was always the smart one.

I was the one always getting in trouble.

I know you gave me this job
because of her.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Let me tell you something.

She got you in the door,

- but you got the job.
- Mmm.

Don't be flirting with me unless you want
both of us, 'cause I know you like her.

I do. I like her a lot.

I tried to ask...
Well, actually, I did ask her out.

What happened?

She's always saying something
about Charlie, her boyfriend.

You know this guy, Charlie?

Yeah.

Could you do me a favor?

- Anything.
- Can I send an email on your computer?

Yeah. But don't make that a habit, Tanya.

- I won't, I promise you I won't.
- All right.

And let me give you some advice.

You need to push up a little bit harder
on my sister if you want her.

And as soon as I finish sending
this email, all right,

I'm gonna take my break.

You ain't even worked half a day, Tanya.

Yeah, well,
that's just how it's gonna have to be.

- Also, I'ma need a three-week vacation...
- It comes off...

once I finish my first month,
all right?

I'm gonna give you the best 30 days
you ever had from an employee.

Now we're gonna need to talk about
my 41-OK too.

Yeah. I'm on this.

Okay. Dear Nevvy and Max...

Okay, Danica, think.

[cell phone ringing]

No.

- Hi.
- [Charlie] Hey.

Can you see me?

No. It says, "Poor connection."

[groans] Damn.
I was hoping this would work.

I'm sorry. I wanted you to see the rig.
There's a beautiful sunset.

I wish I could see it.

I wish I could see you too.
I... Where are you?

I'm still at work.

Oh, baby. Go home and get some rest.
You sound tired.

Yeah. Maybe you're right.

You know, if I was there I would have
a bath and dinner ready for you.

You would?

Yeah.

And I'd rub your feet, and...

Don't saywhat else you would do.
I can't handle it. I'm so horny.

Oh, okay. [chuckles]

Well, I guess I won't say it then.

Can I call you when I get home?

Yeah.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Excuse me.

What's going on here?

Oh, it's an AA meeting.

Ah.

Guys, I was getting high for years.

And I was smoking, I was drinking.
I went to jail.

And I turned it around. I mean, now I...

own the coffee shop, right?

So, it's the same thing.
We cannot let the shame stop us.

All right?
But before we get more into that,

group,

this lovely lady to my right,
this is Tanya.

- Tanya, this is the group.
- [group] Hi, Tanya.

Hey, y'all.

Um, I haven't hit the pipe in five years.

I haven't, uh...

I haven't drank in eight months.

And I haven't smoked any weed
or anything in, like, four days.

And my whole thing is, like, why can't I
get a chip for everything that I don't do.

You know what I'm saying?
Don't hit the pipe, that's a chip.

Don't smoke no weed for four days.
That's a chip.

Don't drink. That's a chip.

No D. I ain't had no D in a whole day.

That's a chip. I should have a chip
for every single thing.

That's all I'm saying, man.

[door opens]

Hey, you here?

Hey, Sis. I was just wrapping up work.
Do you want a ride?

- Yeah. Let me go get my stuff.
- Okay.

I missed you.

[Tanya] Frank, Danica's outside.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Your sister, she's, uh...

She's a special one. I really like her.

How long were you in jail?

I didn't know that.

Uh, I didn't know you'd heard that.
Seven years.

It was a long time ago.

All right, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Tell Tanya I'll be in the car.

All righty. You got it.

I didn't know that he was in recovery
and that he's been in jail.

Yeah, but he's still a cool-ass nigga.

[sighs] Damn. I mean, Tanya,
has every black man been to jail?

Yeah, girl.
Anyone that is worth fucking with

has been to jail at least once.

That's what make 'em a man.
You know he like you.

- Yeah. That will never happen.
- What?

- Oh, 'cause of Charlie.
- Mm-hmm.

That's right.

Yeah, I got you, girl.

I got you.

[Nev] All right, "Help!
I think my sister's being catfished."

- All right, we got it.
- Catfish, go.

All right, here we go.
This one's from Tanya.

- Okay. Tanya.
- Tanya says, "Dear Nev and Max,

my sister's been dating this man
for a year online." Never...

- A year?
- A year. "And she's never met him."

- A year is...
- Wait, wait.

We're talking about twelve months.

- He says he's on an offshore oil rig.
- Oh, please.

- That's...
- We've actually never...

- I've never heard that before.
- That's new.

- That's pretty good.
- That's a new one.

And he's on a... Let me guess.
He's on an oil rig, so he can't talk.

Anyway, she's in love.

- And has even bought a wedding dress.
- Oh, God.

- She's invested money.
- Wow.

- She's planned the entire wedding.
- Oh, God.

Wow. "Please help. Thanks, Tanya."

All right. Well, let's call Tanya
and see what she has to say.

[telephone ringing]

- Let me get a bite.
- You get the phone.

[ringing]

Brown Bean Coffee Shop.

Hi, this is Nev and Max from Catfish.
We're looking for Tanya.

No way! I'm the one that called y'all.

I'm so excited. Y'all so fine.

So, Tanya, you think
your sister's being catfished?

I do. Yes, I do.

[Nev] Uh, yeah. I mean, from your email
it definitely sounds like it.

And we wanna help.
I mean, this whole situation...

- sounds a little slippery.
- It sounds like she needs our help.

Yeah. If we got there later today,
could we meet up and find out more?

Yes. Come on to that address.

[laughs]

- I need real coffee.
- Why didn't you get it?

I just dropped Tanya off.
And I'm kind of over flirting with him.

Did you know he was a felon?

Armed robbery. And he's also in recovery.

- What?
- Yeah. So, the flirting thing is done.

I mean, he may not be too stable.

So, I mean, I thought he was cute.

But last night, I realized
I need to stay away from him.

- You're over exaggerating.
- No, I'm not.

Come on.
Let's go get coffee together and discuss.

- [Tanya] Up.
- [Frank] Okay.

Hey, look who's here.

- Kalli. Good to see your face.
- Hey.

- Danica, good morning.
- Here you go.

Your money's no good here.
You know that, Danica.

Take the money.

Please take it.

Okay.

Danica, hi.

Hi.

You remember Amanda, right?

Hi.

- Hi. [chuckles]
- Um...

Will I be seeing you gals at the wedding?

Yeah, you sure will be seeing us there.
What's up?

- Tanya, you're out.
- What up?

Yup, and probably about to be going back
real soon. Who's that?

This is my fiancée.

Oh, that's the girl
you left my sister for?

- Oh, hell no.
- Oh, no. Tanya!

- Hey, hey.
- What?

- I just wanna...
- No.

[Bailey] It's... Listen,
it's not even like that.

Timing was off,
and we weren't right for each other.

Right, Danica?

- No.
- Let me hear you say that, Danica.

No. No. We weren't. We weren't right.

And she's happy for me, right?

Yes.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

I am... I am happy.

[Frank] Hey, my man,

uh, what can I get for you?

Um, I'll have a latte and...

- Expresso.
- Coming up.

- I got that.
- No.

I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna get that.

- Tanya, I got it.
- I got it. No, fuck this bitch.

- Tanya, I got it, don't worry.
- No, I got...

Get your hands off this machine.
Get your hands off the machine.

That bastard hurt my sister hard, okay?

So I have to do what I got to do.
I'm gonna kill this motherfucker.

But, Tanya, you on probation.

I'ma make this motherfucker a mocha latte.

- Okay.
- Okay?

You all upset.

- You're not making it right.
- What? I'm just saying.

I'ma kill him. I'ma just kill him...
First I'm gonna kill that ho, right?

First I'm gonna kill that ho,
then I'm gonna kill him.

But your sister seem to be okay
with the whole thing.

No, she is very mad.
Trust me, she's mad as hell, okay?

She out here dating a ghost,
and he come up here with her?

- Dating a ghost?
- Yeah, she dating some dude online

she ain't never even met. All right?

Fuck it. I need a break.

Damn!

[Nev] So, this is all you have?

Yeah. I found this phone number
on her desk.

All right, well, let's do a reverse
phone search and see if we get a match.

- All right, let's see.
- You are so fine, you know that?

- Thanks.
- Yeah. [chuckles]

Okay, wait, Tanya, I do need
a little space, though, so just...

- My bad, I'm just saying.
- Let me do my thing.

You're just so beefy. I mean, we would
have some cute babies together.

They would be swirl and everything.

Uh, I actually already have a baby
with my wife.

- Oh, wow.
- So, thank you.

Well, you know what? It's cool.

'Cause I won't tell her or the baby,
'cause I know how to keep a secret, boo.

I've done time. [chuckling]

Uh, well, I'm just gonna have to say,
a hard pass.

But thank you.

Okay, you stuck up. He's stuck up.

Max, how about you?
You take me to the maximum?

- Is this happening?
- Yes! Yes, I love your gray hair.

It's what I need in my life.
You know what I'm saying?

Like that young and old
all at the same time.

Mmm! [muffled chuckle]

It'd be like fucking
a young old polar bear.

Be cold and hot.

And I know polar bears love fish.

We're here to help your sister.

Yeah.

Okay. Well, if y'all do a good job,
I'll give you some.

It's good, too. It's that vintage.

- You know what?
- Well, look.

Why don't we just get back
to helping Danica, okay? Uh...

And she knows we're doing this, right?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

That's... Yeah. She wanna know the truth.

All right, here we go. I think we're
about to get... It's coming through.

- Searching.
- [sniffs]

- You do smell good.
- [computer beeps]

- Oh! That's...
- Oh, my God.

- Definitely not the guy in the picture.
- Whoa!

I'll get it done tonight,
put the final touches on it

and hope that they like it.

- Well, it's not knocking my socks off.
- I know.

Get your things.
We'll finish it over wine at my place.

- Uh, okay. [chuckles]
- Okay.

[cell phone ringing]

Hi.

[Charlie] Hey, love.
Good news, I can video chat.

Wait, you got better Wi-Fi?

Well, I'm borrowing a booster
from one of the guys.

He'll be in at 8:30,
and he'll let me use it then.

- I'll call you.
- Okay. Well, I'll be home by then.

Great. Yeah, I can't wait
to see your face. I love you.

I love you too. [chuckles]

[door opens]

Yeah. So, that was...

Uh... [clears throat]

Hi.

Um, I'm Kalli, and this is Danica.

So, who... What...

- Hi.
- Can you please stop filming?

- Hi. Sorry.
- Thank you.

- Nev, nice to meet you.
- Hi.

- Hi. And I'm Max.
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- How are you?

Are you friends of Tanya?

- Yeah. Yes.
- [Tanya] Yes!

This is Nev and Max, my new baby daddy,

and they do a show called Catfished.

Yes, where they find out if people
are real on the internet.

- Tanya?
- What? Look. Okay?

Just look, all right?

- This is the dude that they think...
- What?

Is using some other dude's pictures...
And just look at him!

That is not Charlie.

This dude is married,
his name is Lawrence,

and he lives an hour and a half away
from here in a trailer park.

Okay. That is not true.

Actually, we're pretty sure
that it is true.

And how do you know that?

- Well, this is what we do and it's...
- Although the profile is only a year old

and he doesn't have that many friends.

He told me he doesn't have that many
friends, so what does that prove?

Look, Danica,
I know this isn't easy for you.

- This can be embarrassing.
- I'm not embarrassed.

It's not embarrassing at all.
I mean, he...

We're pretty sure that the guy
you're talking to isn't real.

- Not real.
- I know he's real.

- I've talked to him.
- But have you ever seen him?

Yes.

No. No. But, I mean...

- FaceTime? Video chat? Anything? Snapchat?
- Skype?

Enough, okay? Everybody, enough.

He's gonna call me at 8:30.
What is that, what, 16 minutes?

And we can all see him.

- If he's real.
- Oh, he's real, Max.

He's real. [scoffs]

And I'm right. Okay?
So, everybody, have a seat! Please.

- Thank you.
- [Nev] Okay.

[Danica groans]

I'll just get up. Sorry.
Just gonna go this way.

Dang, it's like that, Max?

Okay.

- Weak knees.
- Mmm.

Shall we light up some weed?

Let me guess. He's usually late.

He will call.

Maybe you should call him.

He's going to call.

[Kalli] Danica, it's getting late.

And we have to get this project done
for our meeting in the morning.

Look, I'm sorry.
We were asking about him online,

we talked to a few of his friends.
Maybe he got cold feet.

Or sometimes when people find out
that we're making a show

and it involves them, they'll disappear.

He'll call.

We really should be going.

Yeah, and you don't deserve
to be treated like this.

I'm sorry you've been catfished.

[Tanya] Wait a minute, guys.
Wait a minute. Maybe I can roll with you.

What?

All right, then.

- Danica.
- Go.

I'll finish the project.

- No, I'll stay.
- Go.

Just go, please.

Are you okay?

Go, Kalli.

Okay.

[R&B song playing]

[song fades]

Don't tell me you've been
sitting there all night

waiting for that bastard to call you.

No, I was working.

There's nothing on that screen.

You think this is funny.

No, look at your eyes all puffy.

And you got to be at work.
It's almost nine o'clock.

Come on, okay? You got played.

Get over it.

Okay?

This is sad.

Can't believe this.

Anything left in here?

I'll tell you what's sad.

Being in and out of jail

and sleeping with everything that moves.

Not to mention all those tattoos
you got for Reginald spelled wrong.

I know you my sister,
but I will fuck you up.

I don't need this.
I don't need none of this shit.

Know what? I don't even need to stay here.

- I'm gone.
- Then go.

And you don't spell bitch B-I-C-H.
It's B-I-T-C-H.

It's a creative artistic choice, bitch!

I'll slap the black off your ass. Shut up.

[door slams]

No, wait, I need to get my shit!

Mama?

- Mama, it's Tanya.
- Who?

It's Tanya!

Oh, no. Tanya no here.

Mama, I know it's you.

No, "it's you" no here, either.

Mama, I hear you at the window.

I no know, I no know. What...

Mama, I know it's you!

Well, what do you want?

Danica put me out.

Mama, I need a place to stay.

You smoking weed?

No, I...

I have arthritis.

Is that hereditary?

No, it's arthritis.

Why did she put you out?

She mad at me 'cause she got catfished.

- Who, by Charlie?
- Yeah, you know him?

Yeah. I don't know him, I know about him.
He's just...

seemed too good to be true.

I guess you just gotta call her.

Mama, I just told you she put me out.

It's so funny.
This connection is so rickety. Hello?

What? Mama, you in the window.

No, I can't... I'm sorry, what?

- We not on no cell phone, Mama.
- I can't hear you, baby. I can't hear...

- Oh, my goodness. I can't hear ya.
- Mama!

- I don't know what's happening.
- Mama, stop playing.

- The whole thing is all messed up.
- Mama, don't play like that.

- Just feel bad about the whole thing.
- What?

Mama, where I'ma stay?

Mama, where am I gonna stay?

Mama?

Mom? Mama?

Why you gonna do me like this, Ma?

Mama?

Hey.

Hey, you can't be
out here sleeping, ma'am.

- Ma'am.
- I ain't got no phone!

- Shit.
- Tanya, I thought you were homeless.

I thought you was the police.

So, I'm like, "Girl, if he real,
have him call you."

- Right.
- And then he didn't call,

and then she wanna get all mad at me.

Wait a minute. So, the dude ain't real?

No, the dude ain't real!
And she trying to get all mad at me.

And I'm like, "Bitch, don't play with me.
I will fuck you up, okay?

I'm your sister and I been looking out
for your bitch ass.

Keep on messing with me, see what
happens. I was trying to look out for you.

Why you getting closer, bitch?
Why you getting closer?

- Tanya!
- Get up outta my face!"

- Tanya! Tanya.
- What?

- That's your sister!
- Have you seen The First 48?

- First 48?
- Yeah, The First 48.

They say on that when somebody get killed,
check with the family first,

'cause most likely it's a family member.

I will F-U-C-K some D-N-A U-P.

Follow my shit, nigga!

- Girl, you look like hell.
- Sorry.

Come on, they're waiting.

Did you get it done?

Did you get it done?

Look, I know this is hard for you,
but this is your job.

That promotion is yours, but...

What is going on with this hair?

I'm trying to help you.

- You look a mess.
- [Lauren] Ladies!

Hello? We're waiting.

Okay! I've found the missing team.
[chuckles]

[speaking French]

[clears throat]

[exhales] These are the clients.
This is Barney.

Barney, Danica is one of
our brightest minds.

Which is why we gave her the project.

Danica, can't wait to hear
what you've come up with.

The floor is yours.

What I was able to come up with is...

The List.

For all that you wish for.

Oui, Oui.

Is this a joke?

She's been going through a lot.

She's been going through a lot. Oh!

Danica, let's go talk about this
for a minute.

Pardon.

Guess you didn't get the promotion, huh?

Nope.

I am suspended indefinitely
until the board reviews what happened.

I'm sorry.

I brought you coffee.

If I wanted coffee, I would've stopped
to get it, but thank you.

[Tanya] Hey, what happened?

She didn't want the coffee.
She didn't want the rose either.

See, that's because she's being
a straight-up bitch.

Take me to the apartment.

Tanya, I got a business to run
and you at work.

How many times we been through this?

Nigga, you're selling coffee,
you're not changing the world.

Take me to the apartment.

- Do I got a choice?
- No!

I can't stand this girl.
You know, I'm taking all this stuff.

You better not.

Oh, I didn't know you was here.

- I can't stand your ass at all.
- Good.

And I'ma get the rest of my clothes.

You don't have any clothes.

Well, you said I could have this stuff.

Fine. Take whatever you want.

Good, I will. And I'ma take
that wedding dress, too.

Oh, no, you're not. No, you're not.

- [Tanya] Yes, I am.
- No, you're...

What is he doing here?

Can you wait outside?

Uh-uh. Don't be that mean to him.

Mm-Mmm. He is a good man, okay?

Don't be mad at him because you
got catfished and your feelings is hurt.

This is my house, and I want him
to stay outside.

Frank, don't you move.
You stay right there.

Fine.

You're just like all the other ones.

Sorry. Stay.

Uh-uh, Frank is a good man, okay?

- You will not talk to him like that.
- Thank you, Tanya.

Girl, bye.

Bye.

Get your shit and go.

I will. I will get your shit
that's not my shit and I will go.

I sure will.

Frank, come in here
and help me get this TV.

I'm taking this shit, too.

Ooh, and this lamp. It's gorgeous.

[Tanya] She should not be talking
to you like that.

Get mad, nigga!

- [grunting]
- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- [grunts]

Whoa! You making me wet.

I like that, I like that.

Look, I can't be mad at the girl.

I can't be mad at her, she's such a...

If you say that she a nice girl,

I promise you I will punch you dead
in your head.

- I didn't say shit.
- Thank you.

Keep driving.

You want some head?

Let me get you some.

Wait, Tanya. Tanya!

Tanya!

What kind of seat? Dang it.

Tanya, it's a seat belt.

It won't come undone.

This thing is getting tighter and...

Why your car won't let me suck your dick?

[door opens]

- [sighs]
- [door closes]

I knew I should've took your key, Tanya.

Is that any way to talk to your mother?

Hey, do you know that your, uh...

your phone is off?

Yeah. I changed the number.

And my email.

Ah. All right. Well, I brought the wine.

'Course it's yours, but I did bring it.

What's the matter?

Mama.

- Come on.
- Everything.

[sighs] I just want what you
and Daddy had. It was so beautiful.

Right, Mom?

Yeah.

I mean, the way you would wake up
in the morning and make him breakfast.

And he would kiss you.

[chuckles] Yes.

You wrote a list and it came to, right?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, and...

why didn't this work for me?

And you know what the worst of it is,
Mama?

I'm smart.

Am I that lonely and hard-up
that I would fall for this?

Honey, the line in the Serengeti

is in the sands of time.

Mama, are you high?

Yeah.

I just grew a new plant
called "I'ma Fuck You Up."

And it did. [laughs]

But wait.

That doesn't change the fact
that I have to tell you this.

Is this serious now, Mom?

Yeah, I suggest you grab it
while I can still focus.

Okay.

You are an emotional hoarder.

You don't let anything out.
You just hold on to everything.

I was thinking about Bailey, you know,
and I realized you never dealt with that.

But you just move on from things,
you know?

And I know you're hurt.
I know you're still hurt.

But it's not like you call anybody
and say,

"Hey, can you come talk to me?
Can you do this?"

You know, you're just,
you come home and you shut the door,

and you disappear for three or four days
and then, like the Queen of Sheba,

boom, you're back and you wanna talk,
you're so deep. It's so crazy.

What you're doing is not healthy.

I know.

But you always taught us to get up
and go on.

But I taught you to get up and go on
after you handle your business.

And maybe try a little of my weed.

I'm telling you, it's so good.

- I can't. I can't do that, Mom.
- You would love this.

- Since when?
- I get tested at work.

- All right, well, what was I saying?
- Yeah.

I know you're hurt.

This feels like hell.

And I was mean to Tanya.
She won't talk to me.

I know she was only trying to help.

She was.

But, like, watch this.

Tanya!

[door opens]

Magic!

What are you doing here?

'Cause it's cold,
and it's about to rain outside.

And I'm homeless.

You know I didn't want you to leave.

[sighs] Music to my ears.

[scoffs] Mama, you did all that
so she could get back in the house?

Absolutely. 'Cause this bitch
can't stay with me no more.

Okay?

Bye, baby.

I love y'all.

- And I'll see y'all.
- Bye, Miss Lola.

- I love you, Mama.
- Love you, Mom.

- [door closes]
- [Kalli laughs]

I'm sorry.

I was hurt.

You was about to be bald.

Okay? I would've showed you some hurt.

I would've snatched all your edges out
your head.

I'm sorry.

And you talked bad about my tattoo?

You know I loved Reginald.

It got infected and everything.

That was real love.

Penicillin, bitch.

Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm just embarrassed, that's all.

How could something like this
happen to me?

You gave your heart. That's never wrong.

Except for when you give it to a man
you ain't never seen before.

- You're not helping.
- I'm just saying.

- This shit is embarrassing.
- Okay.

Maybe you could leave.

What? I'm sorry.

My bad.

Okay, now we need to go and find
this son of a bitch who catfished me.

Well, I got the address, girl.
I got his address.

Now, all I'ma need...
Wait, you got some cash?

'Cause we gonna need lime,
and we gonna need a saw.

We gonna need some plastic.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Yeah, that's good. You need to go ahead
and let all the liquids out,

'cause you don't wanna leave no DNA.

'Cause killing a man is hard work.

Every time you try to kill a man,
you gonna squirt a little pee.

I know that for sure.

That's just the way it goes.
You gonna squirt.

[Kalli] This looks like Deliverance.

[Tanya]
Well, that's the address right there.

[Danica] Um, you know what?

We shouldn't do this.

[Tanya] What? No, we doing this.

- Okay.
- [Danica] Tanya.

Y'all get y'all asses out the car.

Hey. Y'all know Lawrence?

There he is, right there.

Aw, yeah, you Lawrence?

- You Lawrence.
- And how you know?

'Cause your Walmart name tag
says so, homeboy.

Okay. Okay, touché.
You got me. You got me.

I am a greeter at Walmart.
How may I help you?

Oh, I'm just here
to mess your life up today.

How you gonna ruin my life
more than it already is?

Wait a minute.

- I know you.
- Um...

- Danica.
- Did this nigga just say your name?

Danica. Freaking Danica!

You made it. Just like you promised.

You didn't shave, did you?

You got that vintage?

She got the vintage.

- No.
- She got that Mo Cheeks down there, yeah.

You got on that highway for the dick.

You drove a thousand miles for the dick.

- You paid tolls for the dick.
- [Danica] No.

- This is not the voice that I talked to.
- Oh, yes, that's me.

- It can't...
- I'm the man that said those things.

See, I got a little thing on my phone
that make me sound like Idris.

It's a app. It's the Idris app. [laughs]

Made you wet, didn't it?

That's what the app says.
Says "Guaranteed to wet 'em."

You were thinking about going to the car
to get that umbrella.

Ain't you?

Feel like you just got out the pool.

You know I'm the right height.

I could get up in there right now.

You think this my hair?

No, this the ghost of pussy past.

This is pussy hair, girl.

Motorboating. [burbling]

If you come with me, woman,
we'll get all the good parking spaces.

- Please let me beat his ass.
- No, Tanya, no.

Look, this is... this is pathetic.

Okay? You shouldn't do this to anyone.

Oh, but I wanna do it to you.

I wanna do it to you so bad.

I wanna... I wanna kick your ass.

Girl, we could have so much fun.

I just lay there.

Don't worry about the bottom legs,
the middle one's working fine.

It's working right now.

Just hop on. Take it for a spin.

You could just bounce and bounce
and bounce, I'll just be laying there.

I don't know if we're having sex
or I'm changing oil.

I'm about to whup his ass.

- [Danica] No, Tanya!
- Somebody get this bitch off me!

- [Danica] Tanya!
- [Kalli] Tanya!

Get off! [mimics karate yell]

- [Kalli] Tanya!
- [Danica] Tanya!

[man] This gonna be good.

Better watch out. I know ka-wheelie.

What the fuck is ka-wheelie?

Oh, yeah, that's wheelchair karate.
It'll fuck you up.

[Danica] No, no!

[mimics karate yell]

- I'ma go in.
- [Danica] Tanya.

[gibberish]

[man] Oh, this gonna be good.

Grab her, Kalli.

- What?
- I'll mess you up, homie.

Stay off the damn computer!

What? No, no!

- No, no!
- Tanya, no!

She finna burn his ass up!

[screaming]

He ain't never moved that fast.

- Pop that wheelie, Lawrence.
- [Tanya] That's what your old ass get.

Didn't Michael Jackson teach you anything?
That shit is flammable.

[Lawrence screaming and wincing]

[Tanya] I just witnessed a miracle.

Yeah, I healed that motherfucker.
Made him walk again.

And so she barely got out of the bed
and ended up on the couch.

I got the idea. Perfect idea.

I take her some coffee.
Your sister loves my coffee.

I drive it to her house, Tanya.

If you want to, go for it.
But that's a bitch move.

What?

Whatever. I care about her.

- Aww. Oh...
- Tanya, what are you doing?

- I'm trying to turn off your bitch switch.
- Girl, stop.

- And you got a customer.
- And you have a vagina.

Can I help you?

Walter, I don't deserve you.

Girl, he's gonna hurt you.

- Nah, I wouldn't put it that way.
- That's what they do.

But, okay.

- You okay?
- [knock on door]

- Yeah.
- Come in.

- [door closes]
- Hi.

Hi. What are you...

- Why?
- I'm sorry. You said, "Come in."

So I came in to bring you coffee.

[chuckles] I'm sorry.

I've been such an ass and...

Because I'm going through
a rough couple of days.

Mmm... Mmm.

How much have you heard?

Don't lie.
I'm sure she told you everything.

- I know enough.
- [both chuckle]

Please don't tell me she sent you here
to ask me out.

I'm just here to bring you some coffee.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

But I'm going to lay on that sofa all day.

So, I won't be needing any caffeine
until I don't feel embarrassed anymore.

Come on, Danica. He's the one
that should be embarrassed, not you.

Come on.

You know that, right?

- You wanna sit?
- Sure.

[softly] Okay.

No, did that really happen?

Scout's honor.
Yes, it really happened, I promise.

- What? Are you... No.
- I was standing in the rain.

- It's like a torrential downpour, right?
- Right.

Windows down, music blasting.
I'm on my knees.

And I got bad knees.

And I'm singing, right?

♪ I'm down on bended knee ♪
I'm like really... ♪ Yeah ♪

- Are you kidding me?
- Nah, hell, nah.

She didn't even open the door.

- Oh, my God. Wait...
- Can you believe it?

I love that song.

- Yeah, me too. That's what I'm saying.
- I might've opened the door.

Would you have opened... Wait...

Tell me what happened to your ex.

It was all me.

That's what happened. It was all me.

I never hear a man say that.

Well, shit, you gotta be in truth
to know it, but yeah, it was...

In my case, I was young and I was stupid,
and I was raised by a single mother.

And I started hanging with
the wrong crowd, you know?

Like, I was the full stereotype
kind of guy.

Like, totally, that was me.

So, when I got out of jail,
I said to myself, "Just change it."

You know? I mean,
I really looked at myself long and hard,

and I said, "Just change it."

I didn't want to become my dad.

I saw my dad go into an alleyway
when I was seven years old.

He was going to get heroin and...

you know, the kids saw him
going into the alleyway as well,

and I was so embarrassed.

I didn't really have anybody
to show me the way,

- tell me what not to do.
- Hmm.

So, I ended up in jail.

But enough of that.

If you really want to be happy,

then just change it.

You will get past this.
You will get over it.

And you will live to love another day.

Trust me.

You know what? Uh...

I should get back. I need to get back.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Shut up.

[R&B music playing]

[song continues]

[song fades]

Can you go home now?

Yeah.

[door rattles]

[cell phone ringing]

Hi.

You gotta stop with this
not answering the phone thing.

Look, Lauren asked me to do a pre-pitch
before the clients got here,

so I need your support.

Will you please be in the room?

I need you there.

I slept with Frank.

What?

I don't even know how it happened.

I was vulnerable, and I was lonely.
And he was there.

I just told him to leave. Oh, my God.
I don't ever want to see him again.

I don't even like him.

I mean, he's a recovering addict
and he's been to jail, and I...

What was I thinking?

Um...

I can't find my keys.

Sometimes things,
they drop in between here.

You know, I know how much
you like my coffee and...

I don't wanna lose a customer, so...

Well, what I mean is
you don't have to feel weird

or some kind of way
about coming into the coffee shop.

I get it. I ain't your type.
I just wanted to say that.

[Kalli] Danica.

- [sighs]
- Danica.

- Girl, did he hear you?
- Yep.

Damn.

"The List. It's what you make it."

That's it?

Okay. Well...

maybe I just gave this one
to the wrong team. I'm sorry.

The clients are coming back next week,

and rather than making the mistake
of letting you pitch on the fly,

I want to hear what you've come up with,
and that was it?

[Danica] "The List.

It's one you make for what you want,
and one you make for what you don't.

Either way, live to love another day."

Well, damn! I love it.

All right, get to work on it right away.

Danica, you're not out of the woods yet.

[Lauren] Whoo!

- Okay, guys. Let's get to work on that.
- Yep, great.

- Bitch!
- I'm sorry.

Sorry for what? You saved me.
And where the hell did that come from?

[sighs] Someone said that to me.
In so many words.

And you couldn't tell me?

Look, that's amazing.

- All right, let's get this ad done.
- Yes.

And whoever told you that, you owe them.

Yeah, I do.

So, can you add it right there? Thank you.

So, we never talked about the sex.

- Can you hear me?
- [keyboard clicking]

[sighs] Yeah.

He was really, really good. And huge.

- [Kalli] What?
- [mouthing] Huge.

No, you have to do it again.

- Mmm... no.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you do,
because you're in pain right now.

Okay, you have to do it again
when you feel better,

so you know it was really that good.

I don't wanna lead him on, because...

I mean, I'm not interested in him at all.

I didn't say lead him on. I said fuck him.

When I was on drugs,
when I was drinking...

[door opens]

uh, I was out of my mind,
I was out of control.

I didn't know better.

But it's obvious to me
that you guys know better.

Otherwise you wouldn't be here, right?

You can do better.
You can beat the system.

If you beat the system first,
it can never beat you.

Simple as that.

All right, folks. See you next week.

[Tanya] Frank, that was really good.
I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

Yes, I'm all inspired.

It's like you're Martin Luther King
or something.

- Tanya.
- Hey, Sis.

I'm gonna go get my things.
I'll be right back.

- Hi.
- Hi.

That was really great.

- Thanks.
- [Tanya] I'm coming.

You know she has nothing back there.
She just does that so we can talk.

Well, you know, your sister.

- I need to thank you for something.
- Okay.

You said something to me in our talk,
and I used it in a meeting.

It went over really well.

What you said
about living to love another day.

Great.

Do you wanna go grab a drink,

or something, to celebrate with me?

Or water.

I'm gonna pass, Danica.

- Oh. Okay.
- Take care.

Girl, you offered a recovering alcoholic
a drink?

- Is that good for him?
- [Danica] Yes.

No. Water.

[sighs] But, you know, he was different.

- Yeah, well, he heard what you said.
- I know. That's not what I mean.

He was talking to these prisoners.

I just saw him differently, I don't know.

- Girl, I can't with you.
- What?

You find out the man can screw

and now he's looking good?

- You're talking to me?
- Girl, look,

he was crazy about you before.
Make him crazy about you again.

Maybe he didn't enjoy me.

Well, then you have to prove to him
that you're that good.

- I'll see you in the morning.
- Good night.

[Tanya] Good morning.

Hi.

- Here's your coffee.
- Thank you.

Where's your money?

- Frank doesn't charge me.
- Oh, well, Frank isn't here.

Well, where is he?
I mean, he's always here.

Why? You don't like him, remember?

He told me what you said about him.

But let me just be honest with you, okay?

You know that girl I was telling you
that come in here all the time?

Well, he took her
to breakfast this morning.

That's good. Mmm.

Girl, you know
you are not happy about that.

[scoffs] Tanya, listen.
I just come here for the coffee.

And the sausage.
I know you two were doing it.

- Did he tell you that?
- No, but you just did.

Ooh, tell me everything.

Is he circumcised? Do he got
that turtleneck where it be like...

[muffled] Hello.

Um...

- Tell me everything.
- We didn't. We didn't.

- Girl. Okay.
- Bye, Tanya.

I got you.

Oh, Frank.
Danica didn't pay for her coffee.

Uh, that's... that's okay, Tanya.

Danica.

Mama didn't name you that.
She named you Danica.

- I need to get in here and help your sis...
- Just...

I need to say I was wrong

for saying the things
I said to my friend about you.

- Okay, thanks.
- No.

You're a good guy.

And I am so sorry.

I was wrong.

The way I treated you, it was...

It was terrible.

And I mean...

I was going through a lot.

Can we just start over?

Take our time and get to know each other.

[pop song playing]

[both panting]

It's real.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Can I tell you something?

Here it comes.

- I'll save you the trouble. I'll go.
- No, no, no.

I don't want you to leave tonight.

What about your crazy-ass sister?

She won't hear you. Just...

be quiet.

She might not hear me,
but she's gonna hear your loud ass.

Yes, I can.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

- Tanya, get out.
- Mm-Mmm-Mmm.

Look at y'all.
I'm gonna need a cigarette after this.

Tanya, I locked the door.

Well, I pick locks like you pick pussy.

- [laughing]
- Tanya!

[sustained squeal]

Well, and now she knows.

And now I better go.

Why?

I mean, I wanna stay but, you know,
that does something else for me.

- How?
- I like you a lot, Danica, you know that.

It's hard enough for me to sleep with you
without waking up looking at you.

Am I that bad in the morning?

No.

You're that beautiful.

But you're not into me.

So, I'm gonna protect my little heart,
and I'm gonna go.

You sure?

It's all good. I know how you feel.

I didn't mean that.

Good night.

- [Kalli] He said that?
- [Danica] Yes.

- He's gay.
- He is not gay.

Well, then he's perfect.

But he only has a few things on my list.

- Damn the list!
- Same thing I was thinking.

Well, if you don't want him,
I'm gonna start drinking all his coffee.

- I'll be at the Brown Bean in the morning.
- Girl, stop.

Seriously, you need to seal this deal.

I never pictured my life
with a man like him.

Well, girl, then paint another picture.

- Exactly.
- [laughs]

I have a little cabin
up in the mountains in Bear Creek,

and I would love for us to go up
one weekend.

I would like that.

I mean, you know, it's nothing fancy,
but it's mine.

When I get stressed out,
I use it to get away, so...

I would like to share it with you.

What's that look for?

I like you, Frank.

I do. Why... why are you laughing?

Look, when you're in recovery,
it's really important that you don't...

I don't know, put yourself in positions
that will break you down.

I know I'm not the man
that you're looking for, so,

I figure why not just enjoy
the here and now.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Yeah, okay.

[female emcee]
Ladies and gentlemen, PJ Morton and Yebba.

[song begins]

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ I know your eyes in the morning sun ♪

♪ I feel you touch me
In the pouring rain ♪

♪ And the moment
That you wander far from me ♪

♪ I want to feel you
In my arms again, yeah ♪

[Yebba] ♪ And you may not think
That I care for you ♪

♪ When you know deep down inside
I really do ♪

♪ Babe, you need to show ♪

[both] ♪ How deep is your love
How deep is your love ♪

[PJ] ♪ I really mean to learn ♪

♪ 'Cause we're living
In a world of fools ♪

♪ Breaking us down ♪

♪ When they all should let us be ♪

♪ We belong to you and me ♪

♪ How deep is your love
How deep is your love ♪

♪ I really mean to learn ♪

♪ 'Cause we're living in a world... ♪

Sorry, did I wake you?

No, I was getting up.

You should rest. Tanya can open the shop.

No, I should go, because, you know,
by the time I get home

and then fight traffic,
get outta the shower...

You should leave some things here.

Are we getting serious?

Yeah. I love having you around.

I'll see you later, okay?

You got it.

- So, that was a great meeting.
- I think so.

- Progress, right?
- Yeah.

What's wrong?

Who is that?

- [knocks]
- Danica, there is a...

Charlie.

I thought he wasn't real.

- Yeah. Should I bring him in?
- Hell, yeah.

- Okay.
- Oh, shoot!

- I'm Kalli.
- Hey.

I heard a lot about you.
You look exactly how I thought you would.

I'm gonna let you guys talk. Excuse me.

[grunts]

- Sorry, sorry.
- It's okay. It's okay.

Hey.

- How are you?
- How are you? [clears throat]

I've been crazy.

There was a fire in the rig,

and this is gonna sound like a lie,
but it's not, okay?

The night I was supposed to call you,

I lost my laptop, I lost my phone,
I lost all my contacts

which has been mayhem itself.

And then when I finally found your email,
it was changed.

So I reached out to everybody
that I thought may know you,

and I called every ad agency
in the city...

asking for you.

Well, that's been three months now.

And I've been looking for you ever since.

Charlie... [clears throat]

- What about that guy?
- Lawrence.

We were cool. He was my college coach,

and it's embarrassing,
but I had really bad credit in college

and my phone was in his name for years.

And he must've hacked my phone
and called you.

I don't know why he would do that.

But I've been going crazy not knowing
where you were. I'm so sorry, I just...

You look so beautiful in person.
I'm sorry, I just...

You know how much I love you
and I miss you?

We're soul mates, remember that?

Look, do we have
to have this conversation here?

Or can we maybe go to lunch or something?

I'm sorry, but you're gonna have
to give me a second to take this all in.

Yeah, of course, I totally get that.

Obviously you can see that this is...
[clears throat] this is hard for me.

But not to take away the fact
that this must be confusing for you.

Um, look, I'm sorry I just barged in here,
but I didn't know what else to do.

I just wanted to see you,
but these are my numbers.

So, if you wanna...

You know, just...

[sighs]

[knocking]

We closed.

- [knocking]
- [Kalli] Tanya.

What do you not understand
about "we closed"?

It's Kalli.

- So? We're closed.
- Girl, open the door.

Damn!

It's too late for you bitches
to be drinking coffee.

What the hell you want coming in here
like Sofia from The Color Purple?

Well, hey.

What?

- Did she tell you?
- Tell me what?

Girl, Charlie is real.

- Are you serious?
- Yes, and he's beautiful.

But it can't be him, because we did
our research and everything

and we shut that down.

No. The dude that you burned?
He was using his identity.

And he hacked his phone.

Man, she's dating Frank right now.

And, look, the only reason I'm telling you
is because you need to look out for her.

Okay? She's so confused and...

- Are you smoking weed?
- Yeah. I got a prescription.

What you typing
with those pretty little fingers, huh?

Mmm. I'm not in the mood.

What's up? What's going on?

[sighs]

I'm really stressed at work right now.
I'm gonna need a minute.

It's something else.

But you'll tell me when you're ready,
I guess.

It's nothing else.

Mm-hmm.

[woman on TV, indistinct]

[door shuts]

- You leaving?
- Yeah.

Why?

Ask your sister, Tanya.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Why didn't you tell me
that Charlie was real

and you was thinking about seeing him?

[groans] That damn Kalli.

Don't hurt Frank.

Okay, good night.

You know that man can slip back into using
if he gets his heart broke, Danica.

[sighs]

What the hell is wrong with me? Shit.

I have this great guy,
and I'm so confused.

Why did I call him to take me to lunch?

Look, maybe you should go out with him.

You know, just to see if he's the one.

Just see him.
If not, you'll always wonder.

And it's just lunch, right?

- Right.
- There he is. Go.

Hey.

- Hi.
- You ready?

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

Her name is Kalli, right, not Sally?

It's Kalli, yeah.

- [Charlie]...maybe not at all.
- [Danica] I mean, for you, never.

- I mean, you know.
- Oh, I know.

You started this thing.

- It's unreal. Too real.
- This is insane, huh?

Yeah.

[cell phone vibrates]

You know you're my soul mate, right?

[line ringing]

- Um... [clears throat]
- Who's that, soul mate?

- [both laughing]
- [Danica] Um...

Frank, just someone I know.

Okay, well, cool. The restaurant is, uh,
just down the street.

"Just someone I know," huh?

Frank, um, Charlie.

- What's up, man?
- [laughs]

The one that's been catfishing you?

Turns out he's real.

And your soul mate, apparently. Great.

I'm just someone you know, right?

- Frank...
- Fuck off.

Nice to meet you, soul mate.

- Nice to meet you too...
- Yeah.

Uh, Frank. [clears throat]

Does he got an anger management problem?

- Damn, girl. He was pissed.
- Yeah.

So, what are you gonna do?

I'm going to go out with Charlie to see.

And if Frank can't understand that,
then too bad.

Men do this all the time.

That's true.

Right. So...

What?

You make me wanna get so high,
I can't feel my face!

You know I'm not sensitive, right?
You know that?

You just told me the other day
that you were sensitive.

Shut up, bitch! I changed my mind.

Did that hurt your feelings? I'm sorry.

He was crying.

Frank. You made him cry.

Well, I... I'm sorry.

Well, I felt so bad for him,
I had to go ahead and fuck him.

- What?
- I fucked him.

Good too.

You slept with your sister's man?

Yep, and we moving in together.
Where's his stuff?

You know what, get it and get out.

I know you not mad
while you standing there

dressed up
to go out with that other nigga.

Slut.

"Slut."

- Yep, you a slut.
- [scoffs]

[Charlie] So, the igniter fluid
was sludge. It was crazy.

- [Danica] Mmm.
- [laughs]

- That sounds terrible.
- It was, it was.

Which... I guess you had to be there.

But being an engineer, I had to be there.
You know what I mean?

So, like, I could've come home earlier,
but I'm important.

I was like the Steph Curry
of oil rig engineering.

Okay.

You know what? I'm sorry.

I just keep talking about myself.
There's so much to talk about.

But how are you? How is your job?

- It's good. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?

It's good. I had this big client
the other day...

A big client's good.
Hey, excuse me, waiter. Excuse me.

Can we get another round here, please?
Thank you.

This décor is just... I mean, the plates,

- they're great, on the wall.
- Yeah.

I mean, I don't even know
what to do with...

I'm used to my sea legs,
you know what I mean?

- Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure.
- Yeah. Okay.

I'll just... I'll just take this.
Thank you.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, well... [clears throat]

Um, sir, I'm sorry.
But can I have a few shots?

[gasps] Ho ho!

- Shots, okay. Shots for the lady.
- Any type of vodka.

Shots for the lady. She's ready to party.

Um... shots? Oh. Okay.

- All right. That's how you do that.
- I wasn't ready,

- but, cheers.
- Okay. Yeah, well, cheers to you.

To the health. To all the health.

[laughs] Shots?

Obviously everybody thought
I was gonna go pro.

- I mean, I was so good.
- [laughs]

But then, I got injured.
It was this freak injury.

Pencil in the penis. You know how it goes.

Sometimes I lose feeling below the waist.

[clears throat]
But... A little tingling sensation.

But I've, you know, done a lot of rehab
on it. I got it under control.

So, I went to this, uh,
earth therapy for that.

And they told me, you know,
just bring the motherland in.

Do... Do African chants,

and, you know, then there's...
Then the tingling subsides.

So, it's just, uh... [rhythmic chanting]

You know, like, you know,
just gotta bring the ancestors back.

You know, from the ground up.

[laughing] Hey...

Get with it. Here you go.
I think I had enough already.

So... You ain't gotta do it
with that glass, baby. I got this.

You like to spit, huh?

Okay, uh...

Can we go now?

I put the "D" in ready.

[kissing and grunting]

[Charlie] Damn, you got a hard-ass head.

[Danica] What?

Yes, baby. Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah. NASA, we got liftoff now.

- Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
- Yeah? Okay.

- Okay.
- Oh, yes.

- Come on, come here, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

Let's just make out.

[loud moaning]

Come, Papa Bear, up in that cave. [grunts]

- Um... Oh, God.
- Yes! Welcome to the jungle!

Welcome to the... [loud groaning]

[rhythmic chanting]

[high-pitched grunts]

- [chanting]
- Oh!

[exhales] Whoo!

[humming]

You remind me of my mama.

- That's weird.
- No, it's a beautiful thing.

Wait.

Oh, God.

[grunts] Oh, God.

Oh...

All right.

- Um...
- [Charlie] Whoo!

Okay.

[exhales] Mmm.

- All right. [groans]
- [water running]

That was, uh...

something.

All right, seven minutes.

What? Who is seven minutes?

The Uber.

What? You called me an Uber?

Well, UberPOOL.

That way I save some money,
you make some new friends.

- Everybody wins.
- Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- No, really, thank you.

Don't mention it.
Want me to walk you downstairs?

Um... nope, I got it.
Let me grab my purse.

Uh...

Yup. Thanks, Charlie. Thank you so...

Thank you.

I mean, we got seven,
we got, like, seven minutes.

- No, thank you very much.
- We can get, like, two or three in.

[door opens]

[Kalli] Wait, did you have sex with him?

He thinks we did.

Uh, what does that mean?

Well, I was only gonna make out with him
because I'm so confused.

And, well, we were making out,
and he thinks we had sex.

Wait a minute. Wait.

How does he think that and not know it?

He was having sex with my inner thighs.

[Kalli laughing]

Kalli. Kalli. Kalli!

- It's not that funny.
- Wait, wait, wait.

Didn't you say he called you an Uber too?

[laughing]

Ka... Okay. I'm...

I'm getting off the phone now.

Whoo! That's what you wanted
on your list, girl.

[laughing]

- I'll call you back.
- I'm sorry.

Hi.

- I didn't know you were here.
- Yeah, I'm just grabbing my things.

Well, I'm glad you are.
I wanna talk to you.

I got nothing to say to you, Danica.

[Tanya] That's right,
we ain't got a damn thing to say to you.

You have every right to be upset.

- But so do I.
- So do you? What did I do?

You slept with my sister.

- What?
- You heard me.

No, I didn't. What?

- Tanya.
- Yes, you touched me. You did.

Tanya.

Okay, I'm lying.

I would never sleep with your sister.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Tanya,
'cause I'm in love with your sister.

In love?

Yeah, and I'm a damn fool for it.

No, you're not a fool. I'm the fool.

I was confused and...

Try to understand,

this guy was my dream guy.

He had everything on my list.

And you...

- you just came out of nowhere.
- Yup.

I have nothing on your list, right?

Look, I get it. I'm not your dream dude.

I'm a little rough around the edges,
right?

But you know what?

I've worked my ass off, Danica,
to get on my feet.

To have a spot, a place on this Earth.

I've fought through a lot of shit,
and I've done a lot of shit.

But I'll tell you this:
one thing I would never do

is get fucked over
by some girl I was just trying to love.

I'm a good dude. You get that?

And I don't deserve
to be treated like this.

So if you can't handle what I got to give,

then go be with your list dude.

Don't cry, Frank,
'cause if you start crying I'm gonna...

- Tanya!
- [Danica] Frank...

- I'm sorry.
- Danica,

can I go?

'Cause I really don't ever
wanna see your face again.

But you just said you loved me.

And that's supposed to make me
wanna be with you?

That ain't enough.

Bye, Tanya.

[door opens and shuts]

[Tanya] Don't look at me.

'Cause if he would have even smiled
in my direction, I would have fucked him.

And I would have got pregnant.

And I would have had me
a little coffee Brown Bean baby, okay?

Oh, I told Mama everything and she said
she wanna see us in Jersey in the morning.

Hi, girls.

- [Tanya] Hey, Mama.
- I love y'all. Come on in.

[Danica] Okay, so we were having this
debate about the list you made for Daddy.

Can we see it?

Are you talking about that list
I told you about, like, 20 years ago?

Yeah, that one.

- I lost it.
- I told you.

Mama, did you lie to me about this list?

It's possible. [chuckles]

I don't think I did, but...

What about my dad?

I don't know that motherfucker.
I'm not sure.

It could have been
any number of really good people.

So you lied.

- When?
- When you told me about Daddy's list.

I made a list. It just...

I've never met anyone who got
everything they wanted in one person.

Sure, in the beginning,
it feels like it could be magnificent.

And then you start to see,
well, they got a couple little flaws.

You know? And that's okay.

Because in the real world,
all you can do is hope to live

with the little tiny perfections you find
in the very flawed people you come across.

I suggest you go get that man.

[thunder rumbling]

[knocking on door]

I know you're an amazing man.

And I was foolish
for chasing what was a dream.

I know you're not perfect.

Neither am I.

But we can be imperfect together.

[sighs] I know you don't wanna
talk to me right now.

But I'm gonna stand out here
and hope that you come and talk.

Even if it takes all night.

I am going to be right here.

'Cause I love you.

[sobs]

I do love you, Frank.

And I'm so sorry.

So, if that means
making a fool of myself again...

well, then I will.

I will.

Because sometimes love is not easy.

It's hard as hell.

And even though I'm trying to love you,

[sobs]

I just don't know how.

So...

if you can help me...

then I think I can help you.

Okay, I got you.

I got you.

Nigga,
you really ain't gonna open this door?

Okay.

Fine. [sniffles]

[thunder rumbling]

[man on TV] I disagree.
I think he needs to be on the bench.

- [song playing outside]
- I think he needs to learn a little bit.

Especially with a journeyman
like they have...

♪ Darling, I ♪

[lip-syncing] ♪ I can't explain ♪

♪ Where did we lose our way? ♪

[singing along]
♪ Girl, it's driving me insane ♪

♪ And I know I just need one more chance ♪

[lip-syncing] ♪ To prove my love to you ♪

♪ And if you come back to me ♪

♪ I'll guarantee ♪

[singing along]
♪ That I'll never let you go ♪

♪ Can we go back
To the days our love was strong? ♪

♪ Can you tell me
How a perfect love goes wrong? ♪

♪ Can somebody tell me
How to get things back ♪

♪ The way they used to be? ♪

♪ Oh, God, give me the reason ♪

- ♪ I'm down on bended knee ♪
- [thunder rumbling]

[rain pattering]

♪ I'll never walk again ♪

[lip-syncing]
♪ Until you come back to me ♪

♪ I'm down on bended knee ♪

[rain continues]

♪ Baby, I'm sorry ♪

♪ Please forgive me
For all the wrong I've done ♪

♪ Please come back home, girl ♪

♪ I know you put all your trust in me ♪

♪ I'm sorry I let you down ♪

♪ Please forgive me ♪

[singing along] ♪ Gonna swallow my pride ♪

♪ Say I'm sorry ♪

♪ Stop pointing fingers ♪

♪ The blame is on me ♪

♪ I want a new life ♪

♪ And I want it with you ♪

♪ If you feel the same ♪

♪ Don't ever let it go ♪

♪ You gotta believe
In the spirit of love ♪

♪ It can heal all things ♪

♪ It won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ No, I don't believe
Our love's terminal ♪

♪ I'm down on my knees ♪

♪ Begging you, please ♪

♪ Come home ♪

[song continues]

[shrieks]

♪ Can you tell me how
A perfect love goes wrong ♪

♪ Can somebody tell me
How to get things back ♪

♪ The way they used to be? ♪

- Uh-uh! Uh-uh!
- [song stops]

Where y'all going? Sit back down.
This movie ain't over yet.

Wait till you see this.

[organ plays softly]

Is there anyone here who has any objection
to these two people being married?

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

- I object, Your Pastorness.
- [crowd gasps]

You know what? I would cuss up in here,

but I don't wanna be cussing
up in this house of the Lord.

Can't be cussing in church,
but you know what?

He is a cheater, he a liar.
You hurt my sister!

- You hurt my sister!
- [crowd gasps]

And another thing, girl,
let me tell you, all right?

Let me go ahead and solve some mystery.

Him? Nasty.

Sleep with all kind of people.

I could have slept with him,
but I went to jail at the time.

So, I didn't get to hit that.

You ain't no good.

Yeah, that's how that go.

Yup, that's how that go.

- Yup.
- [crowd gasps]

Got no time for this.

I feel like this wedding
deserves a little bit more action.

- [screams]
- [crowd gasps]

[R&B song playing]

- [song fading]
- [crew applauds]

[man] Cross cut, yes.

- [stifled laugh]
- There it is, there it is.

I need makeup!

- Worst date ever.
- [laughing]

[laughs] F-U-C-K U-A-P.

I will D-N-A some F-U-C-K...

U to the P.

- Go and get him, Damika.
- [man] Danica.

Danica.

I will F-U-C-K some D-N-A U-P.

[laughs] I will F-U-C...

You are undressing me
with your eyes. I can feel it.

My nipples are getting hot.

Nobody do that no more.

It's all this.

- Wait, like how beautiful?
- Like real beautiful.

- Like super fine?
- Like foine.

- Like foine foine?
- Like foine foine.

- Like, "Damn, he foine!"
- Yes, and a couple of cuss words. Yeah.

"Ooh, he beefy! I'll have
all his babies right now" fine?

The man is fine.

[cell phone ringing]

Hey!

I will... I will F-U-C...

F-U-C-K some D-N-A, some U-P... [laughs]

You know I can't spell right.

Do you know how much it cost me?
It cost me $35,000.

The fuck is wrong with you?

I love you, though.

Let me take that back
'cause that was too harsh.

- That was too harsh.
- [laughing]

- What happened?
- Girl, dick.

- You mean Richard?
- No, I mean dick.

Oh, in Accounting? [scoffs] That guy...

He dicked me once.

I liked it.

You're so pretty.

You know what you missin?

Ooh, swipe right.

Twins?

Hell no.

I know you. [stammers]

That's my cousin.

- [man 1] We cut. [laughs]
- [man 2] Cut.

[crew laughing]

[instrumental music playing]

[music continues]

[instrumental music ends]

[dance music playing]

[dance music ends]

[instrumental music plays]

[instrumental music ends]