All language subtitles for Petticoat Planet

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOLF HOWLING]

[ROWDY LAUGHTER]

Howdy, Sheriff Parker.

Evening, Lily.

How's business?

Same as always.

I suppose you'll be
having the usual.

Double shot of red eye.

Reckon there
ain't much for you

to do around here
these days, Sheriff.

Not since I rounded up
six [INAUDIBLE] and a hole

in the head gang last month.

No, things are mighty
peaceful around these parts.

Maybe too peaceful.

[GUNSHOT]

Tell me about it.

Just another one horse town in
the great interstellar nowhere.

Can't even get decent
cable around here.

I'm happy.

Ain't you happy, Lily?

I'm always listening
to the old timers

talk about the good old days
back when they were men here.

Men?

We get along just
fine without them.

Yeah, but don't you kind of
feel like something's missing?

Like what?

Having kids or
something like that.

Trust me, Lily, when I say we
don't need men to be happy, OK?

Besides there hasn't
been one here for eons.

What do you think
one's going to do,

just drop down out of the sky?

Well, no.

I got to unwind.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

My goodness.

Just letting my
hair down is all.

I see.

Are you trying to tell
me you don't like to have

every once in a while, Delia?

As mayor of this town, I do
have to keep up appearances.

Oh, bull shit.

What's on your mind, Sarah?

Well, Lily was talking
something about the old days.

And?

She was mentioning
something about men.

Men?

Uh-huh.

I haven't heard
that word in ages.

You ever think
about men, Delia?

We've run this town a long
time without men, Sarah.

I know.

I'm not saying that we
need men to get along.

I'm just saying it might
be nice to have some around

to use as pets or something.

And who would
clean up after them?

Not me.

We'd sure save a
fortune on batteries.

Well, I can certainly
see what's on your mind.

Men are only good for one thing.

But we do all right for
ourselves around here.

Don't worry.

You two had better call a cab.

I wish there were men
around here, so there.

Star light, star bright,
first star I see tonight,

I wish I may, I wish I might
make my wish come true tonight.

Just my luck.

I wish on a star, and one
falls right from the sky.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Next order of business, I
would like to create a new town

ordinance concerning the curbing
of horses on our city streets.

Morning, Mayor.

Morning, Bessie.

Well, I'll be tarred
and feathered.

What's going on here, Parker?

Where'd you find this poor soul?

She was laying in
the remains of some

strange metal carriage down
there in Hang 'em High Valley.

Oh, you mean a space ship.

A space ship?

This person's from
another planet, Parker.

Well, that explains a lot.

Strangest woman I've ever seen.

I mean, look how short
her hair is and she

could do with a shave, too.

Sheriff, this is not a woman.

It's a man.

A man?

A man?

Yes, a man.

He probably took a wrong turn
on the intergalactic highway

and crashed here.

Sounds like a
typical man, all right.

He probably needs some
medical attention, too.

I'll take care of him.

He can stay in the
room over my saloon.

Awfully nice of you, Lily.

Awfully quick of you, Lily.

Look, maybe he should
stay at the jail.

Maybe he's dangerous.

Look, I found this thing
next to him, some sort

of device or something.

Maybe he came to enslave us.

Maybe you've seen too
many science fiction movies.

Well, I found him first.

He stays at Lily's,
end of discussion.

The rest of you go
about your business.

After all, a strange
man falling from the sky

isn't all really
that big a deal.

Hi.

Hi.

Where in the hell am I?

Oh.

And why do I feel like
I just got whacked

over the head with a 9 iron?

You're in the room
over in my saloon.

Which is where?

Oh, Pucker Bush.

Pucker Bush,
you're kidding me?

Look, I didn't name it.

I just live here.

Let me guess.

I was in a bar last night.

I came up to you.

You drank a lot.

Then we came back to
your place and did

a little mattress mambo.

Actually you had
a crash landing.

Your spacesuit was ruined.

Look, sweetheart,
I don't crash.

But you did.

I saw it.

My warp drive
malfunctioned, OK?

I had to make an
emergency landing.

Look, I need to get on
the horn to somebody.

Where's my transgalactic
communicator?

Oh.

This?

Yeah.

Shit.

Must've broke in the crash.

Well, I thought you said
you had an emergency landing.

Look, I need to speak with
your leader, the guy in charge

here.

But there are no guys.

No guys?

You mean, like, you're
the only one here?

No, I didn't say that.

Actually there's a large number
of people here, just no men.

You mean just women?

All women, nobody but women?

All women.

Why do I feel like I
just woke up in an Abbott

and Costello movie
all of a sudden?

What?

Nothing.

So what happened to
all the guys anyway?

Well, the way the
old timers tell it,

there was a horrible mining
accident about 20 years ago.

A tunnel collapsed.

All the men died.

All the men were
in a mine shaft.

I didn't say that
they were smart men.

So have you ever
seen a man before?

And I'm the only one on
this whole planet, just me

and a bunch of women?

Well, as much as I'd like to
live out this beer commercial,

I got responsibilities.

That's one thing you
need to know about guys.

We've got a lot of
responsibilities.

Wait.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

You want me to stay so you
can experience what it's

like to be with a man, right?

Well, another place,
another time maybe.

Right now, I've got
responsibilities.

Actually, the mayor told
me not to let you go anywhere

because you might be dangerous.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'd like to see
somebody just try and stop me.

Wait!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I will take that.

Thank you very much.

Sheriff Parker!

Sheriff Parker!

The man's getting away.

Let me guess.

Wild Lil [INAUDIBLE].

I told him to stay put,
but he wouldn't listen.

The name is
Parker, Sarah Parker.

And I'm the sheriff
in these here parts.

Great.

I hate women cops.

Well, bad luck for you.

Look, why don't you just come
along with me to the jail

and we can end this
thing peacefully?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you get out of
my way, or I'm going to fry

your ass like a side of bacon?

Looks like you're a little
outgunned, [INAUDIBLE]..

It was a joke.

I was just kidding.

You girls have no
sense of humor.

Looks like you're going to
be my guest for a little while.

WOMAN: That's right.

You tell him.

Hey, baby, I know my rights.

What about my phone call?

We don't have any phones here.

OK, well, what
about my-- my lawyer?

Don't I get fair legal counsel?

There's a little thing
here called Frontier Justice.

This here badge gives me
the right to do whatever

I see fit to carry out the law.

Nice badge.

You got a name, Tex?

Look, don't call me Tex.

It makes me feel like I'm
in an all-female episode

of Gunsmoke or something.

Look, my name is
Commander Steve Rogers.

I'm from Earth.

Commander?

You made that up.

No, I didn't.

You mean to tell me that they
gave a rank like that to a man?

Look, dollface, where I'm
from, things are done a little

differently.

Oh, so you're telling me
that the men run your world?

No, I didn't exactly say that.

OK, then the women run it.

No, I didn't exactly--

look, you're screwing me up.

Trust me, space man.

It wasn't that hard to do.

Whew!

My goodness, it certainly
is getting hot in here.

Yeah, hot.

Can I ask you a question,
Commander Steve Rogers?

No, just Commander Steve.

OK, just Commander Steve.

How is it where you come from?

How's what?

You know, sex.

What's it like?

It's pretty good, actually.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I'm on Cosmic Bloopers and
Practical Jokes, ain't I?

I knew it!

I knew it.

Somebody's going to
come in here soon,

and we're going to cut
to commercial, right?

You know, I don't
have the slightest

idea what you're talking about.

But I like it.

Oh, boy.

Don't you want to
know what I might

have on under this outfit?

Chaps?

Or maybe nothing at all.

I don't think this is
standard police procedure.

No, it's that
frontier justice thing.

Well, it sure beats
the hell out of getting

hung by the old oak tree.

Howdy, Lily.

How's your patient?

Oh, in jail.

In jail?

Well, he sort of woke up,
and then he sort of got loose.

Then he sort of went apeshit
in the middle of town.

And then Sheriff Parker comes
through to put him in jail.

I leave you girls
alone for one hour.

Do you think Parker's
prettier than me?

What?

Now why would you ask
me a question like that?

I don't know.

You've never asked
me a question like that

before, Lily.

Well, I never thought
about it before.

You never thought
about it before

because there was
never any reason

to think about it before, Lily.

What do you mean?

I mean, you're
concerned about your looks

because there's a man
around, and you're

worried that Sheriff
Parker is going

to take that man away from you.

Well, he is kind of cute.

Cute, ha.

That's how it all starts.

First everybody thinks he's a
woman with a 5 o'clock shadow.

Now everybody thinks he's cute.

Next thing you know, he's
going to be standing around

in a mine shaft,
saying, gee, I wonder

what that rumbling sound is.

Take my advice, Lily.

Don't get attached to him.

Why not?

Because men leave,
that's why not.

They also always forget to
put the toilet seat back down.

It never works out.

They always wind up
breaking your heart.

Trust me.

Now you're going to be
a model prisoner, right?

Oh, boy.

Wow.

How do you manage to walk
around with something

like that sticking out of you?

What?

That.

Oh, well, it's
not always that big.

I mean, it's a
special circumstance.

Space man.

Yeah?

You're going to
be my bitch tonight.

Shit.

I'm handcuffed.

I'm in jail, and my butt hurts.

This is not good.

Kinky.

Let me guess, Sheriff Parker did
her frontier justice routine,

right?

And who the hell do
you supposed to be,

the town's school marm?

I happen to be the
mayor of Pucker Bush.

The mayor, right.

OK, mayor.

I need to make a long
distance phone call.

To where?

To Earth?

Well, I'm afraid you're out
of luck there, Commander Rogers.

You see, all our communication
equipment was in the mine shaft

when it collapsed on
the men 20 years ago.

You're kidding, right?

Needless to say, Pucker
Bush was voted Dumbest

Planet of the Year that year.

OK, well, how about this?

How about you give me my
transgalactic communicator,

and I'll try and
fix it or something?

Why?

So you could pull that same
stunt you did in town square?

Hey, I was under
duress at the time.

That's no excuse,
and you know it.

In fact, oh, girls.

What are you doing?

Well, Commander Rogers, there
happen to be laws in this town.

And you happen to have
broken several of them

Yeah, so?

So there has to be a trial.

A trial?

I have to go to court?

This is the wild frontier.

There are no courts.

[INAUDIBLE] serve as judge,
jury, and executioner.

Oh, come on, lady.

I didn't hurt anybody.

I'm not even from here.

Do you honestly think
that I meant to land here?

When in Rome, do
as the Romans do.

Rome?

There were guys in
Rome, chickie poo.

Chickie poo?

He is really asking for it.

What's going on?

Oh, no.

Oh, fuck.

[APPLAUSE]

Please let this be one of
those guilty conscience

dreams that I get whenever
I sleep with some chick

and then I leave her
place before she wakes up.

Greetings, spare
citizens of Pucker Bush.

Thanks for the great
time, by the way.

Yeah, sure.

No, really.

It was wonderful.

Yeah, I'm sure I'll
cherish the memories

for the rest of my life.

We have recently received,
as I'm sure most of you

have already heard, a
visitor from another planet.

Now we here in Pucker
Bush like to think

of ourselves as hospitable
and generous folk.

But sometimes this
could be a bad thing.

You see, this
visitor, the first man

to set foot in our
community in over 20 years,

has taken this
hospitality and thrown

it right back into our faces.

Hey, I throw hospitality
in anybody's face.

Settle down, Commander Rogers.

After all, you're on trial.

Yeah, how could I forget?

Now as I was
saying, our kindness

was rewarded by
this man's wanton

and malicious acts of
violence against our law

abiding townsfolk.

You're making me sound
like Hannibal Lecter,

for Christ's sake.

The defendant is therefore
charged with intent

to commit violence,
reckless endangerment,

propositioning an
officer of the law.

Frontier justice.

Littering, excessive usage
of derogatory female nicknames,

and crash landing on a
planet without a permit.

Now, how does the defendant
plead to these charges?

Insanity.

Well, since the defendant
has decided to be a smart ass,

I'll leave his
fate in your hands.

WOMAN: Hang him high.

Wait a minute.

Just wait a minute.

Yes, Lily.

Maybe we should let
the man tell his side,

you know, just to
make things fair.

Fair?

Just because he's a man
doesn't mean he shouldn't

be treated like a woman, right?

I mean, he can't help it
if he's kind of stupid

and doesn't take other people
into consideration, can he?

Thanks for your help.

Very well then.

Go ahead and tell your side.

And make it quick.

Hi.

Hi.

My name's Steve.

And I'm a Capricorn.

My favorite color is aquamarine.

And my turn offs are Jerry
Lewis movies and guys who

wear sandals with black socks.

[CLEARING THROAT] I believe
you had a point to make.

Right, a point.

Well, the point
is, uh, so you see,

I was flying this rocket
full of sick children

to a hospital on the
other side of the galaxy.

Excuse me, commander.

But I don't believe I saw any
sick children when I found you.

I did, however,
see a sign painted

on the side of your strange
metal carriage, though.

It read Joe's Intergalactic
Garbage Service.

OK, fine.

Fine!

So I'm a garbage man.

So what?

So you broads are--

women-- you women are going
to send me up the river

just because I have a lousy job?

Look.

You see, this isn't an easy
thing for me to deal with.

I'm a million miles
away from home.

I'm all alone on a strange
planet, just like ET.

Did you see that movie?

I mean, that was
pretty sad, huh?

Look, you girls are
going to have do what you

feel is the right thing to do.

But all I got to say is that
I'm really sorry for what I did.

And if you let me go, I promise
that I'll get out of here just

as soon as I can get a ride.

Well, I guess that's
all I have to say.

Well, now that the
defendant has had his say,

how do the citizens
of Pucker Bush decide?

CROWD: Guilty!

Guilty?

Guilty?

What?

I just put up my heart to you
people, and you call me guilty?

Oh, and they call
us insensitive.

I'm afraid the townspeople's
decision is final.

Oh, swell.

Now for your sentencing.

Look, could you at least get
me drunk before you hang me?

I mean, I don't want
to die a sober man.

The defendant is
hereby fined $40

and will be issued
a written citation

by Sheriff Parker for his
crimes against this town.

What?

You mean you're not
going to hang me?

Hang you?

We don't hang people here.

We just have trials here because
the acoustics are so good.

Don't tell me you
actually thought

we were going to hang you?

Yeah, what a stupid idea.

DELIA: It's starting.

SARAH: What do you mean?

DELIA: Well, can't you tell?

The women already can't
keep their eyes off of him.

Next thing you know, they're
going to be buying him flowers.

And then they're
going to start writing

his name over and
over again, putting

little hearts over the I's.

I don't think there's any
I's in Steve Rogers, Delia.

My point is, is that these
women were just babies when

the mining accident happened.

They don't know what
men can be like.

Oh, and you do?

History speaks for itself.

Maybe Earth men are different.

And who better
to know than you?

You certainly seem awful
eager to fly off, don't you?

Yeah.

Just imagine if
you were stranded

on a planet full of guys.

Oh, my.

Yeah, it sounds great.

But it's no picnic, believe me.

Plus you'd probably have
to take a lot of vitamins,

if you know what I'm saying.

That's it.

The [INAUDIBLE] on impact.

Would you guys happen
to have any around?

Like I told you, all
our communication gear

was in the mineshaft
when it collapsed.

I should have
asked for a shovel.

Now you listen here, Mr. Man.

Nobody told you to crash
land on this here planet.

Maybe you should have picked
a planet with a freaking Radio

Shack on it.

Maybe I should have!

And another thing--

you owe me 40 bucks.

Bill me.

Get out of my way,
you [INAUDIBLE]..

[INAUDIBLE] Whoa!

Oof.

[SNICKERING]

Ugh, shit.

Don't you girls have some
Western chick type thing

you could be doing right now?

That's a good color on you.

I'm glad I could amuse you.

Well, now that my dignity
is flushed down the toilet,

do you think you could get
me just some soap and water,

please?

[BIRD CRY]

[SIGHS] This is more like it.

[KNOCKING]

What are you doing?

Oh, I thought you might
need a towel or something.

No, I mean that thing
you're doing with your hand

in front of your eyes.

I'm trying not to look at you.

Why?

Well, it's
customary, ain't it?

You ain't supposed to
look at somebody's, um,

anatomy if you don't know him.

Wait a second.

Now you could damn near hang
me, but now you're worried

about invading my privacy?

No I'm really not that bad
a person, Commander Rogers.

Nope.

You just have some weird hang
ups about men, that's all.

Maybe I need to
be proven wrong.

I need to ask you
something, Commander Rogers.

What's that?

Did you enjoy yourself
with Sheriff Parker?

Yeah, I guess so.

You know, you look
awfully lonely in that tub.

Do I?

Maybe you need some
help in, um, lathering up.

Well, what about
not liking men?

I have nothing against men.

I think every woman
should own one.

You know, I'm curious.

About what?

How do you manage to walk
around with that thing?

Space boy.

Space boy!

Wake up!

What?

Can I get you something?

How about a positronic
[INAUDIBLE] sprocket?

Sorry, I can't
help you with that.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Well, how about some clothes?

I mean, this is
comfortable and all,

but I'm starting to feel
a little beef-cakey,

if you know what I mean.

Yes, let me show you.

STEVE: So what is
this place anyway?

Well, 20 years ago
when the mine collapsed,

the women locked all the
men's belongings here

in this building.

It must have cost you
gals a small fortune

in mothballs, huh?

Do you want the
clothes or not?

Sorry.

Well, here they are.

Go ahead and try
something out here.

Oh, god.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

This is the same
jacket that they used

to wear on The Brady Bunch.

That's what's wrong.

I think it's kind of nice.

Yeah?

Well, I bet you think this
is pretty nice, too, huh?

I think you got
the legs for it.

I think I'll
shoot for something

a little more masculine.

Hey, you know what?

I just remembered.

This stuff is like
20 years out of date.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Well, I know plenty of beggars
who would probably go naked

before they wore this stuff.

The men in this town actually
wore this stuff, huh?

No wonder they all got
trapped in a mine shaft.

Actually, I think
it's kind of cute.

You know, I'm beginning to
seriously question your taste.

I just don't want to look
like one of the Bee Gees,

that's all.

Here's an idea for you.

Why don't you stop being a
bitch and try something out?

OK, but I'm not
going to like this.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Howdy, Delia.

You and I need to talk, Sarah.

About what?

About Steve
Rogers, that's what.

OK, I'm listening.

You slept with him.

So did you.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You're the only
politician I ever met,

Delia, that couldn't lie
to save her own life.

OK.

OK, I did.

So what?

I'm the mayor.

Oh, brother.

My point is I
don't believe you

behaved very
professionally sleeping

with your own prisoner.

Oh.

And you did?

Don't argue with me, Sarah.

I thought you didn't
need men, Delia.

I was curious.

More like horny.

I'm your boss.

Don't argue with me.

Ooh.

You're jealous.

That's it, isn't it?

You are exactly
what you're accusing

everybody else of being.

You're jealous because I
slept with him before you did.

That's just plain nonsense.

I don't think so, Delia.

I forbid you to see him again.

Why?

So you can have him
all to yourself?

Look here, Sarah.

We're fighting over him.

When is the last time you
and I have ever had a fight?

I don't think he's the
reason we're fighting, Delia.

We were perfectly happy before
we had a man to worry about.

Well, I'm not
worried about it.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that when the time
comes, the best woman will win.

You?

I don't see why not.

If I was you, Sarah,
I'd be real careful

when you turn your back on me.

Damn that man for coming here.

Oh, come on already.

Are you just going to
stand there and look silly,

or are you coming with me?

Why am I wearing
this hat for again?

I forgot.

Well, you're more than
welcome to go back in there

and try something else
on, if you'd like.

I think I saw a pair
of plaid bell bottoms

that would fit you perfectly.

I just feel kind of weird.

That's all.

Why?

Don't they dress like
this back on Earth?

Yeah.

There was this one
guy a while back

who used to dress like this.

Who, the Lone Ranger?

No, the cowboy from
the village people.

Why are they staring
at us like that?

I don't know.

They've never acted
this way before.

But I don't think
it's a bad thing.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Excuse me, you have a quarter?

CROWD: There you go.

[LAUGHTER]

Got him.

This is getting real weird.

Give me a bottle of red
eye and a crazy straw.

Do you really think you
ought to be drinking, mayor?

Who cares?

This town's going
straight to hell

anyway, ever since that
[INAUDIBLE] showed up.

Mayor Westwood,
you're already drunk.

Well, I'm as sober as a nun.

All right, so I'm as
sober as an alcoholic nun.

So what and who cares?

So now are you going
to bring me my whiskey,

or am I just going to have
to frequent another establ--

esta-- joint.

I really shouldn't
be helping you here.

Well, you know, I wouldn't
be needing to be sitting here

drinking to forget my problems
if it wasn't for that no

good sheriff I appointed.

Drunk bitch.

Mayor Westwood, keep it down.

What can I do you for?

Milk.

CROWD: Milk?

Well, I don't hold
my liquor too well.

You see, there was
this one time when

I was on star base MK Naomi.

I was doing tequila shooters
with some Jolt cola.

I guess we don't have to
get into that right now.

So what do you ladies
do on your time off?

LILY: This is about it.

Jeez, Lily.

This is pretty tame for the
so-called wild frontier.

[COUGHS]

What was in that?

About 80 proof, fly boy.

I think my tongue
is going numb.

Oh, space man.

Oh, yeah, it's time
to rock and roll.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Work it, boy!

Yeah hoo hoo!

Hey!

I just said yahoo
in a public place.

Why would I do that?

Woo!

Hey, I kind of
liked that shirt.

Well, I kind of happen to
like you without that shirt,

you big, hunky,
messy primate you.

I like him without his
pants on better, so there.

Why don't you just keep
your hands where they belong,

you dime store
[INAUDIBLE] want to be?

My goodness, Delia, we're
getting our panties in a bunch.

I'm getting real
dizzy here, folks.

I ought to fire you.

Well, it's too late
because I was voted in.

Fine, I'll impeach you then.

Can't we all just get along?

BOTH: Shut up!

I'm warning you, Delia.

They don't call me
Snake Eyes for nothing.

It could be a birth defect.

If you want defect,
I'll show you defect.

Hey, I know you.

We've got to get you
sobered up, space man.

Do you see where
this is leading, Sarah?

Do you see what happens
when there's a man around?

All I see is some drunk
jealous bitch who can't

stand to have any competition.

Somebody get me my gun.

Take it outside.

Space man, how's your head?

Well, I can finally
see in color again.

It was the dancing,
that's what did it.

I danced?

Really?

Was I any good?

Best you don't know about it.

Please tell me I didn't
do the robot again.

What are you looking at?

Stars.

I love to watch them.

Any particular reason?

You don't always
have to have a reason

to like something, space boy.

Sometimes it just kind
of happens that way.

Look, my name's not space boy.

And it's not space man,
and it's not Earth man.

And it definitely isn't
male chauvinist pig's ass.

Who called you that?

I didn't.

Well, my mom did once,
but that's not the point.

See, the point is my
name's Steve Rogers.

You can call me Steve.

Or yeah, you can even
call me Mr. Rogers,

but call me by my
name, my real name.

OK.

Oh, hey.

I found this behind the bar.

Oh, my God, I can't believe
you found six-fingered

Betty's old Lancaster!

Yeah.

Don't tell me you
know how to play that.

Well, no, but.

Not even one song?

Well, I know one song.

I mean, not all of it,
just-- just parts of it.

Well, go ahead.

Really?

You sure?

OK?

[GUITAR]

(SINGING) Oh, me me me me.

Well, give me a home
where the buffalo roam

and the deer and
the antelope play.

And seldom is heard a
bah bah blah blah blah.

Did you make that up?

I made up that
blah blah blah part.

I like your dancing better.

Can I ask you a question, Steve?

Sure, go ahead.

When you leave here, are
you going to remember me?

Of course I'm going
to remember you.

Do you think you'll
ever come back and visit?

Well, honestly, I don't know.

I mean, it would be nice
and everything, but I--

There's other places
you'd rather be.

I never really
thought of it that way.

Maybe other women, too.

I really don't
know what I want.

Do you want me?

I could give it a shot.

Well, I guess this
is good night then.

Yeah, I guess so.

What do we do now?

Oh, I'm tired.

I think I'm just
going to turn in.

Um, well, OK.

You can if you want to.

I mean, if you really,
really want to.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I'm
just going to turn in.

Um, well, OK.

Good night then.

OK, good night.

[KNOCKING]

What are you doing here?

I came to see you, my darling.

Darling?

Mm-hmm.

You don't want to live
the rest of your life

with Delia Westwood.

She smells like a horse.

You can't live with that.

I really don't understand
what you're talking about.

Well, let me show you.

[KNOCKING]

Shit!

That's Lily.

You gotta hide.

Hello, fly boy.

Oh, hi.

What you got under that sheet?

Uh, chaps?

Uh-huh.

Oh, my.

I see you're ready for me.

You know, Commander
Roger, you have needs.

I have needs.

Why can't we just
meet on common ground?

I don't know.

Do you like reruns of
Welcome Back, Carter?

I was thinking of something
a little more immediate.

OK, how about
reruns of [INAUDIBLE]..

You don't want to get involved
with Sheriff Parker, do you?

I mean, she's nice and
all, but those handcuffs,

doesn't that strike you
as just a little bit odd?

You'd be much wiser
if you were to get

involved with
somebody who's just

a little more straightforward.

Well, I'm really not looking
for a commitment right now.

Men, what do I have to
do to get your attention?

That's a good start.

Shit, that's Lily.

Hide!

She can hide down here
because I don't like it much.

You?

Mm-hmm.

Steve?

I was just thinking
that, you know,

if I try to come onto you, then
you'd probably turn me down.

But I'm thinking maybe
we should try anyway.

What's going on in here?

Well, first of all, I was
just trying to get some sleep.

Oh, yeah, why don't
you try telling that

to all them sick
children you were trying

to take across the galaxy?

There really is a good
explanation for all this.

I am not playing
sloppy seconds

with Sheriff Parker slave boy.

Oh, slave boy?

I wore those handcuffs
exactly one time.

That doesn't make
me a slave boy.

ALL: All up.

I was here first, gals.

I'm the one that found
him in the prairie.

He's mine, end of story.

Well, why didn't you
just cut out the middle man

and brand him on
the S, snake lips?

You guys!

Why don't you just find
somebody else, Delia?

He's mine.
- Why?

So you could dazzle him with
your extensive collection

of studded leather oven mitts?

You guys.

What do you want?

You're treating him
like a side of potatoes.

So what's the problem?

Well, he's a
sensitive human being.

He has feelings.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, most of which
are located in his groin.

How would you know?

I bet having you is like
doing a Frigidaire on PMS.

You guys are best friends.

Forget it.

She's a hypocrite, and
worse, she's the mayor.

I'm out of here.

She better not be
up for re-election.

Maybe you had better sleep
someplace else tonight.

Fine!

Women!

[DUELING MUSIC]

Howdy, Sheriff.

Delia.

Reckon it's time to see
who the better woman is.

I reckon it is.

You two had
better cut this out.

Stay out of this, Lily.

This is between me and her.

Give up the space man, Delia.

He's mine.

You know, you're
really starting

to sound like a broken record.

Get a new line.

- Get a new life.
- Bimbo.

Bitch.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Now just wait a minute.

What are you doing here?

Yeah, you're the one who
started this whole thing.

Look, I'm just
trying to stop you two

from making a horrible mistake.

Now, look.

I know I'm a good looking
guy and everything,

but I'm just not worth all this.

Of course you're
not worth this.

No man is ever worth the
aggravation they cause.

Hey.

Now in case you can't
tell, we're getting

ready to kill each other.

Do you mind?

I'm not moving.

You're just going to
have to kill me, too.

Woo!

I must have forgot to
load this damn thing.

I guess I did, too.

I must have been
so mad I forgot.

Mad?

Hell, I was fuming.

Hey, want to go for a beer?

OK, but just one.

I'm on duty.

OK, let's go.

I'll buy.

Hi.

Hi.

Look, I really
need to talk to you.

About what?

About last night
and about tomorrow.

I don't understand you.

Look, we both know
that without a positronic

[INAUDIBLE] sprocket, I'm stuck
here for the rest of my life.

So which one are
you going to choose?

You mean Parker or the mayor?

You're going to choose one
of the two of them, aren't you?

I don't want them.

I want somebody else.

Oh, really?

I want someone like you.

Good luck.

Oh, you mean me.

I knew it.

I knew you'd eventually come
to your stupid male senses.

Well, I don't
know anybody else

that I'd rather be stuck
on this backwards planet

with for the rest of my life.

Well, you realize, of course,
that means I'm going to have

to keep wishing on them stars.

Just make sure I'm
not driving it, OK?

You even squawked
around like a chicken.

Oh, God.

I'm really going to miss
Earth, you know that.

Or maybe just a little bit.

You don't have to, you know.

I don't think I'm ever
going to be able to go back.

I mean, I can't get
in touch with anyone.

And Pucker Bush isn't on any
of the astrologers' charts.

I mean, if it was,
there'd probably

be a lot of guys around here.

Maybe there is a way
back to your home world.

What?

Promise you won't get mad?

OK, I promise.

A positronic
[INAUDIBLE] sprocket!

You've had this all the time?

Yeah.

Well, my dad gave it to me.

He thought that it was
from a gumball machine.

I've had it for years.

You've had this
all the time, and you

weren't going to tell me.

You were just going
to let me rot here?

Well, you said you wanted
to spend the rest of your life

with me.

I take it back.

Typical man.

I said this would
happen, didn't I?

Bye.

CROWD: Bye!

Good bye, Steve Rogers.

Hey, Lily.

Yeah?

Let's go catch a Welcome
Back, Carter rerun.

Boy, I can't wait for
the next guy that shows up.

He's mine.

What did you say, bitch?

You heard me.

Bimbo.

[MUSIC PLAYING]