All language subtitles for E.B.C.S01E17

- Hello, and welcome to Erotic Book Club!

The book club where we read erotic books!

I'm your host, Jess Ross.

The other host is here, too, it's--

- Rekha!

- Woo!

Rekha's here!

Thank you so much for joining us,

whether you are listening on,

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- Uh-oh!

- An announcement in Deadline

for all you Deadline-heads.

- And all you food and wine heads.

- Woo!

It's Rekha's show, Gods of Food!

- Yeah, check it out!

It's coming out on August eighth.

It's gonna be really exciting,

it's a Chef's Table parody,
so if you like food,

just watch it.

- Yeah!

Just watch it already, Jesus.

- Why do I have to keep talking about it,

I'm so sick of talking about
this on this podcast.

- But if you want to talk to us--

You can also with your
DROPOUT subscription,

you get an allowance to be--

- A membership subscription.

- I'm doing real good at this today.

For our Discord, our Discord

is where you can message us,

and really be a part of
our Erotic Book Club,

I have some messages from our Discord.

Chubby Pixie said, "I
finally downloaded Discord

just so I could be on the
Erotic Book Club chat, yay!"

- Yay!

- Yay here!

Gannon the Gay Frog says, "It feels weird

to have had a cast member respond to me.

Really getting my money's
worth with DROPOUT."

Well guess what.

Your investment just doubled,

'cause now you've been
talked about on a podcast.

- Boom.

- Peachy Keen.

"Just got my friend into the show,

and it's been so fun
reliving past episodes

as she texts me about it.

She really loves Jess's
chaotic mom energy."

Yay, we did too!

- "Also, welcome back Rekha,

waives arms back and forth."

- Yay!

- Which Rekha's done
about ten times so far,

if you're listening, yeah.

Just listening, not watching.

And then Seventh Bard, "I
basically joined the Discord

just to say that if this
book club never covers

a Chuck Tingle title,
I absolutely will die."

Well, we have brought
you back to life, baby,

'cause that is what we are doing today!

- Boom!

- Woo!

There's also a very
funny Leland and Marcus

D20 fanfic erotica happening.

- That was hot as hell,

if all y'all want to write
a Maggie Johnfathers one,

I'm not mad about it.

- Woo!

- Let Maggie fuck an eagle!

- So do that.

But today we are here to get to,

what was it, Seventh Bard's request,

we are going, we read a Chuck Tingle book.

I'm Gay For My Living
Billionaire Jet Plane,

and of course as always
we need some experts

to be able to dive into the subtle nuances

of a piece like this.

- Yes.

- So with us, we have an expert

from a plane family.

- Yes.

- Jordan.

- Yes.
- Hello.

- Jordan, thank you so
much for being here.

- Thank you for having me.

- Now your family is
planes, they fly planes,

how does this work?

- So some of my family is planes,

and some of my family, most
of my family, actually,

works for different plane things.

- Wow, so you have a diverse
array of plane experience.

- Yes, all different types of jobs.

- Yes.

- All airlines, types of planes.

- Wow.
- Interesting.

Did you find this book,
as you were reading it,

it was kind of like the
pages of your journal?

- It was, absolutely, I said wow,

other people know about
the plane's asshole.

Yeah!

- Usually that's just a family secret.

That's just
a family secret, yeah.

Family, Bush's family secret!

Bush's barbecue baked asshole!

- Yeah, the pilot invites you up

and they give you the little wings,

and you see the plane's asshole.

- Yeah, that's so incredible.

- Thank you so much for being here.

- We also have another
expert with us today, Alexis.

Now Alexis, you are a
plane passenger expert.

- Yes.

- You've been on a plane recently.

- I have, yeah, I flew here today.

- Wow, incredible.

And what was it like,

tell us, reading this book,

and also knowing what it's like

to be a plane passenger.

- Yeah, just having that
kind of perspective on

what it means to fly through the air.

- Yeah.

- And reading it and
knowing that other people

have had that too.

- Yeah.

- I felt pretty scene.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

- And do you also kind of,

when you're a passenger on a plane,

do you think about that dichotomy of,

I might be going to work, you know,

I'm going for a job to somewhere.

- Yeah.

- But this plane is also at work.

- Yeah, which is a really hornty thought

if you think about it.

Yeah!

Yeah, working together
with your hubby, yeah.

- Help me help you, you know.

- Yeah, exactly.

- The few times I've
flown a plane for work,

I just feel like the most
grown-up girl in the world.

- Oh yeah.

- I feel like such a bad bitch.

- Yeah.

- I'm like, oh, sorry,
they need me elsewhere.

- I didn't pay for this ticket,

well, I did, but I'm being reimbursed.

In at least six months, so...

- Yeah, I'm in the middle seat in economy.

- Step aside!

- Step aside, I need to use the bathroom!

All right, so if you have not
had the pleasure of reading

I'm Gay For My Living
Billionaire Jet Plane,

we will let you know the characters

we'll be talking about,
there's just two, really.

- Yeah.

- I guess three if you
count the plane's gardener.

But there is--

- I forgot.

- He's there!

- He is there!

- There's a tense scene.

- A human gardener.

- A human gardener!

- If it were a plane!

- I know.

- Slowly planting.

- Or a helicopter, which
is a lesser plane maybe.

- Yeah, that's cute.

- We have Keith, the passenger airplane,

he can carry 400 people.

Yeah.

- And then we have Alex, the man.

The man passenger.

Who is on his way from New York to LA,

which we all know what
that journey's like.

We know exactly what it's like.

- Yeah, he said a red eye, though,

and I can't find many red
eyes from New York to LA,

it's usually LA to New York.

- There, a red eye, it's not a red eye,

because you go back in
time-wise, or whatever.

So it's like, there's a nine PM, wow.

This is so blurry.

- I know, I really want to know!

- There is a nine PM flight in New York

that gets in at, so what, like 11 PM here,

basically, 'cause I've taken that,

'cause when we ran into each other,

we ran into each other
at the airport once,

I was coming from New York,
you were coming from Philly.

- Yeah, I so I was on a red
eye and I didn't even know it.

- Yeah.

- 'Cause that was--

- 'Cause that wasn't
technically a red eye, yeah.

- That was the flight I
saw Pauly Shore and Saw on.

- Yeah.

- Yeah!

- Well, wow.

- Yeah.

And they talked, well, I
don't have to get into it.

- I mean, Pauly Shore came up to Saw,

and Saw didn't know who he was.

It was really sad.

- Wait, came up to who?

- To Jigsaw, from the Saw movies.

- To Jigsaw, and I don't
know his real name, so.

- Was he wear, wait, no.

- He was just--

- He wasn't wearing the Jigsaw costume?

- He was in his regular man outfit.

- He was the old man from Jigsaw.

- That's insane!

And he just knew what
the old man looked like?

- Saw was sitting right next to me,

and Pauly Shore was across the way,

and he, I could see Pauly
Shore eyeing up Jigsaw

and Kate went to the bathroom
and then he walked over

and he was like, hey man, huge fan,

and you could tell Pauly
Shore really wanted

Jigsaw to know who he was,

and he kept dropping hints like, yeah,

I was in Bio-Dome and mom
owns the whatever store,

and he was like, okay, yeah.

And I was like, oh God!

- This is exactly the kind of foreplay

that can go wrong or go well.

- Yes.

- Right before a flight.

Yes, exactly.

- Yes, the foreplay at the gate,

we all are well aware.

- Oh yeah.

The will they-won't they.

- Will they-won't they!

- When you see it, the
plane taxiing up for me!

- Will it need to be
de-iced, or is it ready?

- Ooh!

So we had Alex on this plane,

on our red eye from New York to LA.

And there aren't many
people on the flight.

And he mentions, "If
there were more people

it wouldn't be as big of a deal

if there's a lot of
turbulence on this flight."

But there aren't very many people,

so he has this thought to himself

about what if I die,

and he goes, "Right now
I don't think many people

would miss a plane filled with just me."

- Oh, he does, he says he
doesn't believe in God,

but if more people are on the plane,

it would be a crueler God if it goes down.

- That's true.

- He's having some dark
thoughts on this plane!

- Deep thoughts, and the idea of, no,

if I was on a flight
that was mostly empty,

people caring less that
that flight went down

because only one person died or whatever.

- I think that would be huge news

if a plane with one person
on it and a full crew--

- But do you think it's the novelty of,

why would this plane only have one person.

- Yes, definitely.

- That's when I really knew that this was

erotic fiction, was that you're on a plane

with almost no people on.

- Yeah.

- And that it would upset you,

I'd be, I'm sleeping
across this whole thing!

I love when nobody's on the plane.

Every plane I'm on, they're like,

we gotta take your bags,
there's too many people,

they're just throwing them into the sea!

- For no reason.

- Yeah, my friend was on a flight

from Burlington International Airport,

or is it an international, whatever.

- I doubt it.

- No, Rekha, we have to know.

- Extremely local airport.

And he said he got a text in the morning

they day of his flight that was like,

we've canceled the flight,

not enough people are on it, or whatever.

- That's what I would have assumed.

- That's crazy!

You, that--

- You can't!

- Is that, that's,

that is so crazy.

- You've gotta fly it, it's
like movies and planes,

it goes anyway.

You can't, it's too expensive.

- Yeah.

- But that is so inconvenient.

- Sure.

- Allegedly for the
Burlington Airport to do.

Anyway.

- So yeah, so there's
a bunch of turbulence,

and he's really freaking out.

He's not having a good
time on this flight,

and then he hears this
voice, this calming voice,

"Hey, man, it's going to be all right."

- And I'm imagining smooth as butter.

- Smooth jazz.

- Right?

- Yeah, kind of like a,

well, only when we said it right now.

In the book, I was, I kind of just imagine

another derpy man's voice.

But I'm like, actually
that's kind of a sexy,

but a Barry White, like hey man.

- Ooh yeah.

Ohh!

- That's kind of hot.

- Did you guys cast
Keith as anyone in mind,

the voice of Keith?

- The plane.

- Maybe an Idris Elba.

- Ooh!

- Yeah.

- Idris gets cast a lot
on Erotic Book Club, yeah.

- Yeah, it's the British
voice, and he's very baritone.

- I love that.

- I'm in good hands.

- Yes!

- Wow, I feel like I did this wrong,

because I was, I pictured
him as more of a frat bro.

- Whoa.

- Which is not necessarily as sexy--

- He was talking.

- Like an Adam Devine.

- I agree, because I'm only
thinking now, I'm like,

if, I think I'm recasting in
my mind for him to be sexier.

'Cause I agree, the
dialog is written like,

hey, man, what's up.

- Hey man, hey bro.

- Hey, chill.

- Listen Buddy.

- Yeah.

It's written very much like a--

- Yeah.

- Your brother or--

- He is, as we find out later
too, a blackjack player.

- Yes.

- I think a blackjack cheater.

- Oh yeah, it's true, he's a card counter.

- Yeah.

- And he's made billions off of it.

- Billions, multiple billions.

- That's how he's a billionaire.

- Can that happen?

- I don't think so.

- Certainly not from card counting.

If you say your job is a card counter--

- That's not a job.

- Yeah, you're--

- It's illegal, isn't it?

- Your job is getting
kicked out of casinos.

- He goes to jail!

- Can I say, I do think it is crazy

that that's illegal,

because that's kind of just, to me--

- It's gamesmanship.

- It's gamesmanship, I
think that that's crazy,

you've made a science into gambling.

- Yep.

- So you figured out gambling,

I don't think that that should be,

I don't know, it must reminds me,

on Press Your Luck when that guy--

- The casino's allowed
to take advantage of you,

but you can't take
advantage of the casino.

- You can't get an edge by being smart?

- Yeah.

- It also feels like if they were like,

you're too good at painting.

- Exactly!

- You're gonna go to jail
if you paint really well!

- Exactly!

- That's crazy!

- It feels like if you
were too good at math

and you figure, yeah.

You figured it out, it's like,

I get that you're taking money,

but if you're good at stocks.

- Yeah, I guess it's like
you're taking advantage

of other people who
don't know how to do it.

- But then--

- There's gotta be a YouTube video.

- 100 percent, yeah.

- And we should just learn how to,

everyone should just learn how to do it,

or we should just stop gambling.

- It's like how I can't
be mad at everyone else

for knowing how to contour.

- Yes.

- I wish that--

- It should, you should be arrested--

- You shouldn't be able to do it

'cause I haven't learned how to do it.

- You should be arrested.

- And you have an advantage.

- According to Alexis,
you should be arrested

if you know how to contour.

- I would agree, thank you.

- So he's calming Alex down,

reassuring him everything's
going to be okay,

turbulence is totally normal,

and then this part, I
actually found this exchange

with Keith and Alex very cute.

Of all the erotica we've read,

it's the most kind of meet-cutey,

and they meet kind of in a nice way

where he's helping him out and
being reassuring and sweet.

He turns on his little air vent for him,

they have a little chit chat,

have you been flying commercial for long.

- I do find this chit-chat,

I laughed at it.

It was, 'cause the book
is 30 pages maximum,

and it's a loose definition of a page.

And for so much of the page
space to be taken up by,

"I'm the plane, you goof."

"Whoa, really?"

"Don't worry, I get this all the time."

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Sure."

I'm like, what, whoa!

- Show me the dick, where's the dick.

- We're really not economizing words

in this very short story.

- Maybe just reminded me of
most conversations I have.

- No, I mean, it was very--

- Cool.

Great.

- Yeah, totally.

- Yeah you.

- I like it too.

- Sorry, what'd you say?

That felt funny to me.

"How long have you flown commercial"

is also a funny question
for Alex to ask the plane.

- Yeah.

- As if the plane used
to be something else.

- Yeah.

- Air Force, private jet, or something,

it became a commercial plane!

- Or a server.

- The rules of world were so confusing.

- They were really switchy.

- Yeah, because--

- They were really switchy,

what the scale of this plane was.

- Yes.

- And how anthropomorphized it was.

- Yes, and also it was just,

he was like, "It's the plane, you goof."

And he was like, "Of course."

- "I was such an idiot."

- "I'm so stupid," yeah.

And it's like, wait.

Are all things--

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- Just things but with human dicks,

I don't know, what are
the rules of this world?

- In your plane experience,
how does it normally work?

- Yeah.

- So in my plane experience,

normally there are typically
just classic commercial jets,

that's what they were built for.

They stay in their lane.

They're not trying to do anything.

- They're not trying to fuck?

- You know, I'm not
allowed to talk about it.

- How many planes have
you seen fully erect?

- Oh my God.

If your flight is not delayed,

your plane is fully erect.

- Oh wow!

- Wow!

- Okay, and Alexis, on the passenger side.

- Yeah.

- How has this sort of
pertained to your experience?

- Yeah, well normally
when I go inside a plane

I'm very aware of being both
inside and outside of it,

knowing that I'm maybe in its maw,

but also that its butthole is nearby.

- Yeah, cool.

- In its maw!

- So I feel like, sort of like

a Jonah and the whale situation.

- Yeah, cool.

- Where I've been both
swallowed up by the plane

and also close to its pleasure center.

- That's awesome!

Yeah, do you think, now
that you said air vent,

I'm like, that's a little butthole?

- Oh, a nipple!

- Oh, it's like a little piggy!

- Yeah, it's a pig!

All the way down, it's a pig!

Oh my God, and then when
you get to first class,

the pig's teats are a
little farther apart!

- So it had 400 nipples!

- Yeah.

- It's if it's a 400 person one.

- Yeah.

- And that's not even including the pilot.

- Those piglets are getting a lot of milk.

That's a big pig.

- And just one butt.

- Wow.

- Just one butt.

- And it maybe doesn't
poop out of that butt.

Right?

- Well, what is the cockpit?

Do we think that's the--

- I don't think it exists for humans.

- The luggage would be its poop.

- The luggage would be, yeah.

- Yeah, at the end of every
flight, it's like, blah!

- Yeah, when it just makes--

When it takes a while, it's constipated!

- Yeah, it's like, oh sorry!

- It goes to another place, it's--

What does that mean, it means--

- Diarrhea!

- Maybe the cockpit is the prostate?

- Ohh!

- That's actually, I think that's true.

- I think it is.

So maybe a female plane
would not have that cockpit.

- A cockpit?

- Maybe all planes are male.

- Well yeah, 'cause all
the planes are male,

and all cats are female.

- And all boats are women.

- Oh, okay!

- Incredible.

- This is making more sense.

- Oh yeah, I get it.

Oh, I'm so stupid!

How did I not see that,

it's so obvious now.

- It's like a little piggy and it's a boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- The idea of it being
a piggy is very cute.

- I actually really like it.

- Yeah.

- I like it better than it being a plane?

I'd rather have sex with
a plane than a piggy.

- Excuse me, you don't
think Pumbaa would be

a terrific lover?

- I don't know, I haven't
seen the new Lion King yet.

- Allegedly.

- Allegedly!

- I haven't seen allegedly,
the Lion supposed King.

- I have seen it and I won't comment on

how generous Seth Rogen is.

Pumbaa is.

- So the flight lands,

and Keith was reassuring
it would be a safe landing

and it was, and then he's like,

"Hey, you know, I'm going to be in LA,

we should hang out, maybe
I'll show you card counting."

- Which is such a psychotic extra thing,

not even, I'll take you on a ride,

like something very obviously romantic,

it feels built-in to the
idea of being a plane.

I could take you over the Grand Canyon.

- Show you anything.

- I could show you the world, literally.

- Kind of like an Aladdin.

- I thought that's where
it was going to end.

It's like, I could
show you how to count cards!

- Yeah.

- Like some salty fuckin' crow.

- I did like it though,

'cause it's kind of a practical skill.

- Yeah.

- I mean if this got
him to be a billionaire,

I would love if this hot dude was like,

oh, I'm going to teach
you how to do this thing

where you'll get rich.

- Yeah.

- I'd be like, awesome.

- Yeah.

- Totally.

- Yes, so he teaches
him how to, okay, so--

- He gives him the address.

- He gives him his address
and then Keith shows up

and it's a Beverly Hills mansion.

- Yes, he's going up
the hills and he's like,

"Woo, it's getting nicer and nicer."

- Yeah, and he was like,

"Am I really led to believe

a plane can afford a Beverly Hills,"

that's what I mean--

- Weird elitism.

- Yeah.

- The elitism of the logic is like,

okay, so you can
conceptualize a plane owning

and fitting into a house,

it's just the affording it.

- Yeah.

- Is the like--

Yeah.

- But he's a billionaire.

- Yes.

- Well, we didn't know that yet.

- He didn't tell him that.

- Yes.

He has class,
he didn't tell him.

- So then he goes up

and he sees a gardener gardening at--

Third character.

- Third character, the gardener.

And he's like, "Um, I'm
sorry, is Keith here?"

And the gardener's like, "Mm,
he's by the pool in the back."

- Who was that played by?

- Also Idris Elba?

- That's, hmm.

- It was like a Forest Whitaker--

- Yeah, it's Forest Whitaker.

Quiet like a, hmm.

He's in the back.

He's an under five.

- Yeah.

- He has no words.

And then, the idea, even that again,

that idea of, he's in the back,

I was like, is he stationed
in the back, is there like--

- A runway?

- A runway in the back?

- Or does he just hop up?

- Yeah, exactly.

- I instantly saw it as written.

I saw this infinity pool
right on the edge of a cliff

and him just lounging next to it.

So insane.

- I couldn't not picture it though.

This is going to sound crazy,

but I imagined him more
cartoony, almost like--

- Like a Jay Jay the Jet Plane?

- Yeah, or do you remember
the Microsoft paper clip

that had the eyes on it.

The big eyes, Clippy.

Yeah, it's Clippy.

- I imagine the plane--

Fuckable.

- Looking kind of like that paper clip

if that makes sense at all to anyone.

- It's a mix of cartoon and
the real object, kind of.

- I think that's what I had in mind, too.

- Yeah.

- But I could see him just...

- Yeah, lounging.

- With abs, as we come to find,

so he looks across the
backyard, sees him--

- And he goes, "Whoa, he's shirtless!"

That was funny to me--

- I really loved that.

- I was like, you understood
him to be wearing a shirt

when you saw him before, was it like,

if you were wearing a skin suit?

- A shirt that says Alaska?

- Yeah, yeah!

Aww!

- That's his shirt!

- Ohh.

- It's so funny, but they take that off?

- Yeah, like an Alaska Airlines shirt!

- Hang it up.

- With the Inuit person logo on it!

- So is he like Winnie the Pooh, then?

No.

- No bottoms.

- No bottoms?

- Hot.

- Oh yeah, maybe not.

- Or maybe it was like
a long shift, a long--

- A shift dress?

- A muumuu.

- Yeah.

- Oh my God, if he's wearing
an Alaska Airlines muumuu!

That is so cute!

- It's very cute!

- Yeah.

- Wait, I just have to
comment on the tragedy

that this plane owns a house

but cannot fit inside of it.

- That part was very sad, he's like,

"I'll give you the tour, but I couldn't."

Yeah.

- Yeah, so I hang out by the pool,

like why did you buy a--

- Does the gardener live in the house?

I don't know!

- The house is for all his passengers,

much like the inside, his
beautiful, luxury interior, right?

- An allegory of some kind.

- All that delicious
food, the stuffed shells

or whatever, I'm thinking
the first class food.

- Oh yes, yes.

Stuffed shells?

- You don't want to know.

- Delicious.

- Oh, chicken, spinach,
I don't know, whatever.

The hot plate of food

and the vanilla ice cream
sundae they give you.

Ooh!

- That's all for the people inside,

but what does he get to enjoy?

- Yeah.

Just company, and--

- Just the company.

- And high-caliber gambling.

- Yeah.

And gas.

- Yeah.

- Oh yeah.

- Air gas, airplane gas.

- I wonder if he gets cold
at night sleeping outside?

- Oh yeah.

- Does he wear pajamas?

- Oh, Alaska Airlines Snuggie!

A little Snuggie!

That's very, or he gets the
eye mask with the earplugs!

- Aww, and the little lashes
on them that are closed.

- He takes it out of his stuff.

- Oh yeah.

And stitches them all together.

- Yeah, or his little slippers.

- Yeah.

- That's extremely
cute, okay, I like that.

- Keith is very cute.

- Yes.

- I did find myself, and I don't know

if anyone else, well,
no one else was really

taking notes like this,
but anytime I would write,

"the plane did this,"
I'd go back and erase it

and write Keith.

- Yeah.

- I was like, I don't want to
be offensive to this plane!

- Yeah.

- Sorry, I think you
mean gay plane, though.

- Yeah!
- Gay plane.

- They do announce the
sexuality of everybody

at every instance, it's like,

"his hot gay plane and his hot gay abs."

- Yeah, especially when
it gets into the sex part.

- Yeah.

- My gay little ass.

- Which reminded me of the bathhouse one

where he always has to preface his butt

as being "my tight,
little teenage asshole."

- Yeah.
- Oh no!

- Which, if a teen
wrote it was okay by me,

but if an older man
wrote it, I was like, ew.

- Yeah.

- So if a plane wrote
this, I'm okay with it.

But if a plane didn't write this--

- Sure.

- It feels problematic.

- Yeah.

- For sure.

So they're hanging out out back,

they are definitely kind
of feeling each other.

- Yes.

- And then they finally
kind of make a move,

they're like, oh, it looks like

you could use some sunscreen.

Which is--

The plane needs sunscreen!

This was
probably my favorite part,

that the plane needs sunscreen.

- And I liked, 'cause
he takes out his bottle

and he's spreading it, and he goes,

"I realized it's still probably not enough

to cover the entire plane."

Which I was like--

- Correct.

- Ya think, Alex?

You think a little bottle of Coppertone

is not enough to cover a whole plane?

- Sunscreen goes fast just for me.

- Yes.

- I feel like I really go through,

especially the spray stuff.

- Yes.

- And you're not a plane, right?

- And I am not a plane!

- Interesting.

- Yeah, if you're listening to this--

- If you're not a DROPOUT subscriber,

you might not be able to tell.

- You might not know Jess is not a plane.

- I do go vroom vroom all the time!

- Like planes!

- Just like planes do!

- They're always revving their engines.

- Beep beep!

He had a hog!

- And then as he is kind
of lotioning him up,

he realizes that the plane gets a boner!

- Yeah.

- And he, the plane is
like, "lower, lower,"

and he keeps telling him to
rub lower down to the boner.

- Yeah.

- Now, here's this perspective question

I have for everyone.

How, tell me the scale of
this boner you're imagining.

- Okay, yeah.

I feel like that was the
most pressing question

of this whole thing, because it was like,

at first he's like, "wow,
this plane's dick is massive,"

so I'm like, okay, it's the
size of an orca whale's dick.

- Yeah.

- You know what I mean,
because it's like--

- It would be even bigger than that,

a plane is bigger than a while, no?

- I think a whale is bigger than a plane.

A big whale.

- But it felt similar.

But then you couldn't get fucked by,

I could not get fucked in
the ass by a whale's dick.

I couldn't, I would die.

- We read a book for Nessie
that had similar scale issues

where I was like, these people are going

to be tearing in half by this thing.

- Yeah.

- So I also pictured it almost like, okay,

if the wings are arms--

- Right, that's how I felt, too.

- Yes.
- So like--

- And they're mentioned as much,

he gets cradled at one point.

- My dick is about as long as my arm.

- Yes.

- Same, same.

- So I was, okay, it is,
if a dick is this big

compared to my arm or
something, who knows, right?

- That's generous.

- I'm talking about--

- The scale that you're supposed to-

- Rekha!

- This is a seven inch that
we're working with, here?

Damn.

- I'm talking an erect--

- Rekha's showing her wingspan.

Yeah!

- Your wingspan is is your height!

Whoops!

So, okay, so proportionally,

this thing is still too
big for a human orifice.

- Yes.

- I imagined almost, either
somewhere between this big

or even bigger, just like a whale dick.

- Or a barrel

- Or yeah, yeah!

The propeller barrel thing.

- I thought maybe he'd have to like--

- Yeah!

- You couldn't fit that inside you,

so then it means it has to be
a big dick for a human man,

which would look stupid on a plane!

It would look tiny on him,
it would just be, boop.

- But think about how
small the butthole was.

- That's true.
- That's different, though.

- It is different.

- And if it is, and if it does have

these little pig nipples inside--

- Yeah.

- That are this big, which
is, that's large for a nipple.

- This is a fan theory.

This is a fan theory!

- But--

- This isn't canon, pig nipples!

- In porn, there are people
who have pretty large nipples.

- Oh yeah!
- Sure.

Also in real life.

- In real life too!

Well, are those people not real?

It is still sort of within
the realm of possibility,

so it's just kind of all over the place

so I'm like, I think I'm led to believe

this is a large human-sized dick.

- Yes.

- By the end of this--

- Yes.

- Erection sort of scene.

- What he has to do with it
would make me believe that.

- That it is a--

- Or what he says he does with it.

- A 747 with an eight-inch dick.

- Yeah.

- And also human male testicles.

- Yeah.

- But maybe masturbate, 'cause
of what comes out, you know?

- Say again?

- I think maybe the balls

are what's really big.

- Yeah.

- To hold everything.

So it's really tiny, but--

- But maybe they're inside.

- Like Mickey Mouse ears?

- Okay.

- The balls are inside!

- Maybe, for a dick that we now understand

to be normal-sized for a human

to produce all that spunk

would be maybe big--

- All that spunk!

All that spunk!

- We can't sing the rest.

- We can't sing anything!

Sorry!

- We can't sing anymore
of the actual lyrics.

- But you're right, so
what is the equivalent of,

I'm trying to also, 'cause in my mind

I was also trying to
translate it into plane lingo,

but they were just fully
inserting human genitalia

on to a plane, 'cause I was like,

oh, the oil is in an engine--

- Right, maybe he would get oil on him.

- Okay, but when the plane cums on him.

- Right.
- Yeah.

- He's like, "oh, it
was all over my face."

All over.

- But if a plane came on you--

It would be all over your body.

- It would be like that Ghostbusters scene

where all that slime gets on Bill,

whoever it gets on, I can't remember.

- That is, again, it's
like we're switching

between human and plane.

- Yeah.

- And also, the plane
stood up before it came.

- And blocked the sun, I did love that.

- How ominous!

- Presumably the whole
neighborhood's like,

oop, there he goes.

- They're standing up--

- It's like the Borgata fountain show.

- And then the gardener
has to take a little break

'cause he's like, "I can't
see anything right now."

- "I can't see what I'm clipping."

- Yeah.

- That gardener must need a hazmat suit.

- Yeah.
- Really.

- Completely.

- So Keith is, the balls
and cock are revealed,

and he starts jerking him off, he gives

what he describes as the
best handjob of his life.

Boast.

Uh, boast.

- Which is also funny 'cause,

and maybe this is me,

I'm like, can I really decide

if it's the best handjob.

Yeah.

- I'm not the one receiving it.

Handjobs are
also just fine, I think.

- Oh yeah.

I think they're
just fine for everyone.

- It seemed also like
it would be a little dry

or a little something,
'cause it's just no lube,

just kind of like--

- Well, and also he's been
out in the sun all day.

- Yeah, I was imagining that, you know,

he still has sunscreen on his hands.

- Yes.

- So he's jerking the plane off.

With sunscreen, he's going to
get a urinary tract infection.

- Oh, shit.

He can't fly!

- The plane has to drink

all the cranberry juice cans inside of it.

- Yeah.

- So Alex is going to town on it,

then he starts to suck him off.

- Yeah.

- Which also impossible for me to imagine

'cause I was still flipping
between engine-size,

propeller-size dick and it was like,

your mouth, wow, this is incredible.

- And he's sucking sunscreen off his dick.

The sunscreen was kind of
the hardest part for me.

- Yeah.

- For me it was the heat
of hot metal under the sun.

- Imagine putting a seat belt buckle--

That would be manly!

- Put it in your mouth.

- Rekha, that was very vivid!

- That's been in the sun, into your mouth.

- Oh my God.

- I don't like your guys' thoughts about

it being a propeller because
you might get chopped up.

- Yeah.

- Rekha likes that.

- That's the risk when
fuckin' a plane, baby.

- So he's gagging, gasping for air,

then he gives it to him
in his little gay asshole.

His words.

- And then he says, "Now I
want to fuck you," right?

And he wants to fuck Alex,

and eventually, what.

He, yeah, he puts it in his asshole.

And then he says, but I want
you to finish in my cockpit.

- Yeah, well no, he says finish in me.

And he's like, how does that even,

there's also a funny moment

where he slaps his butt with his wing.

- Yeah.

- And I did think that was funny.

That would hurt, if a
plane did, ow!

- Across the infinity pool!

- Like a golf ball!

- Smack against the window like a bird.

And slide down!

- The gardener's like,

"I shouldn't have used all that Windex!

I didn't even see that that was closed!"

- And then he says cum inside me,

and he's like, where, where?

And he opens up the door.

I loved this part!

- Yeah.

- And then he's like,
where do you want it,

on the seat, on the, you know--

- And Keith loved that.

- Yeah, he loved it.

- Keith loves a little creativity

on the part of his partner,

maybe everyone else
he's been with has like,

here I go.

- They just suck off the nipples.

Like anyone would.

- They go up and down the aisles

sucking off the little nipples.

- Like a dent, it would be a dent--

- Suck off 400 of my nipples!

- Filling, so making your mouth so dry!

- Putting the tray tables up and down.

He's like, I actually don't like that,

you just see it in porn.

- Opening all the sodas.

- You just see that in
porn, it's unrealistic!

- So it's like, you like that?

- No one reads my magazines ever!

- Yeah, read my magazine.

- Or poop in my bathroom.

- Poop in my bathroom!

- So he decides he wants to cum

in the place of honor, the cockpit chair.

And when he goes into the cockpit,

that's where he finds the butthole?

Yep.

- I was confused, it
was the captain's chair

but then the butt, where's
the butthole on the thingy?

- So this is a good, actually

it's a question for both of you,

have you visited a cockpit

and have you visited a cockpit?

- I have.

- I have as well.

- Did you see a butthole or the,

isn't the barometric pressure
thing, or the whatever,

the air pressure thing?

- It's weird because all of it

kind of looks like a butthole.

- Yeah.

- I mean, every knob and thing is like,

generally butthole sized, butthole shaped.

- Yeah.

- So it's confusing.

- Yeah, so maybe it's only
if you actually know, every--

Indiana Jones?

- Yeah.

- Mmm.

- I think the butthole only appears

when you're looking for it

and know that you want it.

- Yeah, so any Tom, Dick,
and Harry that goes in there

is actually just changing
the speed of the plane

or the direction, but only the person

who deserves it is--

- Is that a butthole?

- Whoa!

- And also when the plane wants
to reveal it, I feel like.

- They open their cloaca

and then reveal the butthole.

- It blossoms open and
inside is the butthole.

- That's cute.

- That's another way it's
kind of human is like,

if I don't want you to see my butthole--

You won't!

You literally won't, yeah!

- I've never seen any of yours.

- With little pants!

- Yeah.

- With little pants!

Little underwear!

He cums in the incredibly
tight butthole of Keith.

And then, yeah, then he, I guess gets out,

and then we have the looming over him.

"Towering over me, like
a giant, silver dildo

blocking the sun."

- It's so interesting to describe

your whole partner as a dildo.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

- Also if my dildo blocked the sun--

I'd feel
pretty good about myself.

I'd be scared!

- I'd feel powerful.

- You can't look at,
you think you can look

because it's being blocked, but--

It's like an eclipse?

- You have to wear the special glasses.

You have to wear the glasses.

- And then he jerks him off,
oh, with his wing as well.

- Oh yeah.

If a wing was touching my vagina,

again, hot wing.

- Yeah.

And he's very dextrous, though,

'cause he can hold cards, so maybe he's--

- Wow!

I didn't even think about that.

- You know that little flap that comes up

when it's flying?

- Maybe he's using that.

- Oh, that's what he puts the card in.

The fingers, sorry.

Those are the fingers.

- So that's what he
has wrapped around him,

and it's like this?

- It's so hurtful.

- I know, it's too many
edges, or metal edges, yeah.

- The book really makes you think.

It is sort of a physics problem.

- Yeah.

- And I like this part too,

it was like, now that
all the sexual tension

is out of the way, so they're all done,

then they notice that they still have

this real chemistry together.

- Yeah.

- And I thought that that was really cute.

- Yes.

- And he's like, you
want to learn blackjack,

I'll teach you.

For real, this could be
your whole profession,

he's like, yeah, I'll quit my job,

and they're like, let's go to Vegas.

- Which is, that happened so fast

that it was like, I didn't even see

that that was the end of the book.

Because it was like, wait a minute,

you just met him and you're
like, I'll quit my job,

you're here for work.

- Yeah, I thought there
was going to be a chapter

of them in Vegas, I was like woo,

this is about to get wild.

- Yeah.

- So it left me wanting more.

- I could have used
another sexual encounter,

to be honest.

- Yeah.

- Yes.

- 'Cause I was just sort of learning

about the rules of the world.

- Yes.

It was so, you were so wrapped up

in trying to figure out that math.

- Yeah, I would have wanted to see

how the plane would suck him off.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, where's the plane's mouth.

Yeah, does
the plane have a mouth?

How is he talking?

How is he talking, yeah.

- Where is the mouth?

- The front?

- Well, his nose is the
pointy part at the top.

- The nose, we all can agree,
the nose is the pointy point.

- Yeah.

- The pointy point in front.

- And his eyes are the windows.

- The eyes are the windows.

He's almost like a shark.

- But is asshole secretly
is where his brain would be.

- Wow.

- Because his asshole's in the cockpit.

- Wow.

Yeah.

- And his dick is on
the outside of his skin.

- Yeah.

- And his--

- Nipples are inside his throat.

- And he eats through the back,

and he poops through the luggage.

- Oh my God.

And he's a billionaire
and he loves his job

and he continues to do it.

But he has to fly only
where they tell him.

- Oh my God.

So that is the end of the book,

as we said, this was a short one.

- Yes.

- And it clearly left us wanting more,

so we decided to have
another round of fan fiction,

or not fanfic, but our own fanfic.

- Our own erotica with an object.

- Yes, that we've written about
an object of our choosing.

- Yes.

- Would anyone like to start us off?

- I don't mind starting.

Oh wow, okay, here we go.

- Okay.

So I won't even tell you
which object I chose,

but this is my erotica.

We'll see if you get it!

- We'll see if you get it, if you guess.

The orchestra was playing
as the ship went down.

I couldn't believe it.

The unsinkable ship, the luxury liner,

the big boat was going down.

The big boat!

- We had hit an iceberg
that no one saw coming.

At least, I thought no one saw coming.

I rushed into the captain's
quarters demanding answers.

But he and his shipmates had fled.

The wheel turned back and forth

as the boat fought every offer to capsize.

I almost thought I heard someone say,

"Don't kill my vibe."

"What?

Who's there," I shouted.

When seemingly from nowhere
and everywhere I heard,

"It's me, the Titanic, you slut."

"Slut?

Excuse me!" I screamed.

"I was a dignified woman!

How dare you say that about me!

Why don't you stop
focusing on insulting me

and start focusing on not
splitting yourself in half!"

"Splitting myself in half

is exactly what I'm trying
to do," the Titanic replied.

"I'm fucking this iceberg."

It all came into focus.

I couldn't believe how stupid I had been.

Here I was, one of the only
educated women in my family,

and I thought the Titanic--

- B plot.

- Hit an iceberg, but really,

it was getting hit by that iceberg.

- Woo!

- It made perfect sense.

I was a fool to think otherwise.

"Well, you're sinking everybody
aboard the ship," I blurted.

"I'm sinking them, unless
they want to join,"

the Titanic cooed.

"This can be a group thing, you know."

What?

Was the Titanic asking me to have sex?

I tried to exit the idea from my mind,

and yet, let it linger.

- Oh!

- "So," the Titanic said,

"Are you in or are you out to sea?"

I thought about it.

I hadn't had sex since my husband

slowly passed away from jaundice.

Slowly!

- From jaundice!

- Even the thought of
it was making me wet.

Or is that the ocean
lapping against my clit?

Woo!

The water is high already!

- It's like up to here!

She's standing!

- "Okay," I said, "I'm in."

And just like that, the
Titanic lurched forward,

sending me through the captain's
door and on to the deck.

I clung for dear life
as my body slid against

the hard wood of the ship,

sliding, sliding down the canted,

broken angles of its body

toward its front and not the railing.

I clung for dear life, legs
dangling above the iceberg,

and that's when I saw it.

The unsinkable ship had
an unthinkable dick.

- Yes!

- Oh!

- A massive, throbbing cock was plowing

into the iceberg ahead.

The iceberg moaning in pleasure.

What I'd thought was ocean water

breaking through the lower deck

was in fact iceberg cum.

I slid right on top of the Titanic's dick,

which was almost double
the size of my body,

and harder than even the
wrought-iron bedpost of my--

Rekha, be careful!

- I felt my clit engorge,

getting wetter by the moment
as I bobbed back and forth

between the iceberg's tight asshole

and the Titanic's wet taint.

I unbuttoned my dress coat,

undid my corset, and
released my perfect breasts,

bouncing perfectly.

"Damn, Titanic," the iceberg said.

"You didn't tell me she had brown nipples!

Fucking finally!"

- Woo!

- All our books had only had white women.

"Let's enter her," the Titanic said.

What, enter!

- Eww, no!

- A knowing, mischievous smile forming

across its pouty lips.

I flipped around to face the Titanic,

whose massive steel boobs
were jiggling in my face.

The iceberg grabbed me
from behind by my nipples,

so cold and so right,

as the Titanic plowed into my bow.

Its dick so massive yet perfectly
suited to my slick vagina.

I sank into the waves of ecstasy

in the waves of the Atlantic,

wondering if I'd ever make it out alive,

but at least knowing I'd
die having felt alive

for the first time.

- Whoa!

Wow.

I'm gonna slip off my dang chair, Rekha!

Woo!

- Oh my God!

That's beautiful!

- I wrote this in a Lyft
on the way to work today.

And I was like, this guy got
next to me, it's a shared,

he's gonna see what I'm writing!

- Whoa, that was incredible.

Maybe he was
doing the same thing.

- He was doing the same thing.

- Is this in the same
universe as the film?

- Uh, yeah, let's say yeah.

So I dropped the necklace
into the ocean and shit--

- Already.

- That's you!

You're Rose?

- I'm Rose, I'm brown Rose.

- Whoa!

- You're brown Rose!

- Rose gold.

I'm Rose gold!

- Oh my God!

- Do you live, do we know?

- I think I live.

- Wow.

- I think the ship saves me,

and only kills those
who don't want to fuck.

- Fair.
- Wow.

- A very tough but fair ship.

- Yeah.

- Wow, that was incredible.

- That was beautiful.

- Would anyone else like to go next?

- Sure.

Mine's shorter and less majestic.

Also that took place in the 19-teens.

- Mine, yeah.

- That's fun.

- Yeah, yeah.

A period piece.

- Good for you being so
educated in your family.

- That's exactly what I said,

I was like, I'm the
educated woman in my family.

I'm a brown woman that was aboard the ship

that wasn't made to work.

- Hell yeah, and you got
a house coat and a corset,

which is--

- Exactly.

- Famously called the big boat.

- That's a feelgood story.

Okay.

This has, I'm not going to tell you

who the protagonist is here,

but there are some clues.

Denver is a sleek, compact
little Lime scooter

with room for two feet on
his slip-proofed kick plate.

I had just stepped off
that muscular marvel

and was locking him up
with my Android phone

when he spoke to me.

"You know, I could really use a charge."

I looked around for a moment.

I looked around for a moment
to see who could've spoken,

and the scooter who was to become my lover

chuckled throatily.

"I-I think someone from the
company will be here soon

to take care of that for
you," I mumbled awkwardly

in disbelief that such a strapped Lime

was really looking my way.

In response, I heard the chime of the app

that told me the scooter
had been unlocked again.

But my card hadn't been charged.

He flexed his bulging
brake grips under my hands,

and I felt the answering
call deep in my belly

as my cock twitched to life.

Oh my God, what is this!

- By the time I'd romantically carried him

over the threshold of my
West Hollywood one bedroom,

we were both sweating lightly
and panting with need.

I turned around at the sink to ask

what exactly a stud like him drinks,

and saw that my lover
was already shirtless.

His shining, chrome nipples
standing out starkly

along his rippling pecs.

The pants I hadn't
realized he'd been wearing

fell away as well.

- The Lime logo!

- Just one pant leg!

- It was a muumuu as well.

- Like a quarter of a dude!

- And my eyes widened at
Denver's throbbing hardness,

the app chiming frantic
warnings in the background.

Dock, dock needed.

Please dock.

"I-I thought scooters like
you didn't have to dock,"

I questioned him, my pulse racing.

"Baby, you've never
met a scooter like me."

And that's the end.

- Whoa!

Now just putting some
context clues together,

I know, Alexis, that you are the partner

of College Humor cast member Teo.

Correct, yeah.

- And Teo lives in West
Hollywood in a one bedroom

and rides a scooter back and
forth to work everyday, right?

- Kind of almost everyday
and has an Android phone.

- Cheating on Teo with the scooter

he rides to work with?

- Teo's cheating on me
with that scooter, I think.

- That's true!

- Teo, you dirty dog!

You filthy fuck!

- You fuckin' piece of shit!

- You suck!

That was incredible.

- I love all the app
language about charging,

must dock!

- It's so interesting, from
the past to the future,

how technology has kind of changed.

Yeah.

- I should have said, but in that story,

I was also the first
educated person in my family.

In all these stories,

well, you're not in the story!

- That's true!

- Well, Teo's the first.

- Teo's like, oh, my girlfriend

is the first educated person--

- I can't believe me,
the boyfriend of a woman

who is the first educated
woman in her family!

Incredible.

- I love you so much.

- That was wonderful.

- I wish I had put a
little more sex in it,

but I was nervous, I didn't
want to get too long.

- It's okay, if you could put sex in it.

- Yeah.

- What would you do?

- Definitely I think

the scooter would mount the protagonist.

- Yes.

- And I think it, there would
be the high speed warning,

how it's like, you're not supposed to go

over 15 miles per hour,

I think it would be a lot of--

- Ohh!

- Also I was going to try
to work in some stuff,

'cause you're not allowed to
have a Lime in West Hollywood,

you're not allowed to park it there.

So that could've been something.

- They also would have to dock, right?

- Well, they don't have to dock.

These scooters don't have to,

but this one wants to.

- This wants to dock in us.

- And it wants to fuck.

- In the readers.

In the readers!

- Dear reader.

- I must dock in you.

- I must dock.

- Well, while we're talking hypotheticals,

since I don't want to end on my lame,

non-existent one, I had one,

it got deleted in my
Microsoft thing this morning.

But I will share some
of the details of it.

It was a sensual story of
me with my French press,

who had a very sexy French accent,

I even took the time to
make all the S's Z's.

- Wow!

- Yeah.

It was incredible.

Jessica!

Yeah, and there's so many S's in my name.

Jessica Ross!

- And I basically, you know,
poured hot liquid in it,

and pumped its handle up and down.

Yes!

- So that was mine.

Sadly it will never see the
light, it was lost to time.

- Wow.

- Now let me ask you, Arabica or,

what's the other one?

There's two types of, Arabica and--

- Sativa?

- Sativa.

Sativa or Arabica?

- Dunkin Donuts.

Whatever the cheapest one at Target was.

- Pour hot Dunkin.

America runs on Dunkin!

Jess Ross runs on this French press!

Incredible!

- Yes, so sorry for that.

Sorry I didn't have my assignment.

- As a little fan challenge,

maybe we ask people with that prompt,

a French press and you,

to write your own little
erotica in the Discord.

- Or anything that makes, any object

that makes you hot and horny.

- Yeah.

Great.

- Jordan.

- I'm ready.

Mine is much less, I
guess we'll say flowery.

Great.

- Okay.

Stark is great.

Yes, let's do it!

Get to it!

- Five PM.

One hour until closing.

No one is around.

Score!

That was the only kind of scoring

I thought I'd be doing that night.

But boy was I wrong!

Woo!

- I took off my sarong, exposing--

- No!

- Exposing my floral tankini.

- Woo, naughty!

- As I dipped myself into the pool slowly,

I could feel the water
hit my perfect crotch.

"Cold," I accidentally exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, pools get
cold at night sometimes."

I looked around in disbelief.

"Who said that?"

There was no lifeguard on duty.

"It's me, the community pool."

Ooh!

- I started--

Dirty bitch!

Dirty bitch!

- I started to rush to
get out of the pool.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
slip inside you like that.

I thought I was alone," I explained.

"We're alone," said the pool,

as she shot a jet up my asshole.

- Oh my God!

- As incredible as it felt,

I was nervous someone would
see me making sensual love

to the contained, man-made body of water.

"What if the community sees" I ask.

"Tonight, you're the
only community I need.

Or should I say, cum-munity."

She jammed her thick pool fingers

inside my heavenly hole.

- Like the noodle?

Whatever you want it to be.

- Like the fun noodle that you--

- Yeah!

- Great, she jammed her thick pool fingers

inside my heavenly hole.

She repeated this motion
until I squirted everywhere.

But you couldn't tell
because I was in a pool.

"I'm gonna get a UTI,"
I said, embarrassed.

"Don't try cranberry pills
or anything like that,

it doesn't work, just go to the doctor."

And that's when I knew this
was more than just lust.

I was in love with the
Oakville Hills Community Pool.

- Oh my God, I love how practical she is!

- Yeah!

- That's when--

- Bitch, that cranberry shit doesn't work.

- It doesn't.

- You've gotta go straight to the doctor.

- I didn't know there
were cranberry pills!

- They just help the sensation,

they don't actually solve anything.

- And they don't even help the sensation.

- Oh.

- It's just if you want
to pay $12 for nothing.

- And I guess cranberry
juice is a diuretic,

makes you pee more?

- Yes.

- So peeing in theory could help--

- And flush it out.

- Yeah.

- What a wise pool.

- You gotta go to the doctor.

- What a nasty pool!

A community pool!

- I like that it's a community
pool, that's really fun.

Oh boy.

- I like they were worried

that the community would see.

- The whole community could see.

- It's open access!

- And do you imagine the
fingers to be a water hand

like in a Capri Sun commercial?

- Yeah.

- Or a couple--

- Yeah, one of the, I feel like

one of the Fantastic Four

probably has a hand made
of water or something.

And that's what I was picturing.

- Who did you cast in the role of pool?

- Idris Elba.

- I didn't really think about it.

But I guess in a perfect world,

it's like, I don't know,
Priyanka Chopra from--

- Oh that's nice!

- Really hot!

- Yes, and she's a woman of color!

- Beautiful woman.

- The first woman of color is a pool!

- And so practical, I love it.

- I imagined her very not like, not mature

as in older but mature as in very,

she knew what she was doing.

- She knows what she's doing,

she only takes the roles she wants

and she says no to the other
ones that don't apply to her.

- Yes, exactly.

She's married to a Jonas brother.

- Woo!

- Yeah, the pool is
married to a Jonas brother.

- Yes!

Oh, I love this.

- Who was the Titanic and
that Iceberg played by?

- Wow, okay.

The Titanic, oh my God.

Who could...

I don't know, I'm really
bad at casting stuff.

Who did you guys picture?

- As the voice of the Titanic?

- Yeah, who's someone hot that could

cajole you into group sex
that you're too prim for?

- Also with big metal boobs.

- Big metal boobs.

- And big metal boobs?

- I feel like Queen Latifah.

- Maybe Charlize Theron.
- Ooh!

- I was thinking Uma Thurman.

- Okay, oh, ooh!

- I do think if Charleze Theron was,

if I was very like, oh my
God, the ship's going to,

and she was like, do
you want to just fuck,

I'd be like, yeah.

- Yeah.

Charlize gets what Charlize wants.

- She does get what she wants,

I like Charlize Theron.

The iceberg can be, oh my God,

who would this dirty little iceberg

that's like, yes, a woman of color!

I mean, is it Priyanka Chopra again?

It could be.

- She's very, very hot.

- And she's very versatile.

- She's beautiful.

- Yes, yes.

- And she's so water based.

- So water based, yeah.

- Or it could be Beyonce?

Do I dare?

- Wow.

- Wow, incredible!

- Lily, who was the Lime?

- Oh, Alexis.

- Oh, oh my God!

Alexis, I'm so sorry!

You two look exactly the same!

- Maybe the Lime was like,

who's a taut, a long-muscled man?

A long-muscled man?

- Like a--

- Like an Adrian Brody?

- Or like a, yeah, like
a Benedict Cumberbatch.

- Oh!

Type, yeah.

Who's the other
Benedict Cumberbatch?

- Who's the Loki man?

- Hiddleston, there, yeah.

- Tom Hiddleston?

- That's the other Benedict Cumberbatch.

But Loki, okay.

- Am I fucked up because I,

when you're casting these,

that was something that
never crossed my mind,

I was just like, oh,
you're fucking a scooter,

you're fucking--

A boat.

- Yeah.

- I have no imagination,
or too much imagination.

- Yeah, it's good, it's all good.

We just want to know if
they made a movie, you know.

- Sure.

- There's not a lot of
working scooters out there

who would play the scooter.

- Yeah.

- Perhaps Gardot.

- Oh, she would love to.

- She'd love to--

- She would play anything, a tree--

- A tree, a car.

- All those tree roles
she's taken over the years.

- Allegedly.

- Allegedly, supposedly.

- Part raw cut tree.

- Yeah, she's been air dropping
her resume into my phone.

- She walks just by
your phone in the movie.

Allegedly.

- Well, it is that time to rate our book,

I'm Gay For My Living
Billionaire Jet Plane,

we rate it from one to five,

one being a drought, five
being slide out of your chair.

- Yes.

- And anyone can begin.

- I can start.

I'll give it a two.

I think it was fun,

I think the physics of it

took me out, it took me too long

to figure out how everything was working.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

So that's not dry as a desert,

but there's a, it's humid.

Yeah.

- In the desert.

- I think I'd give it a three.

Yeah.

- I liked a little bit of the romance,

some of the imagery I
thought was kind of sexy.

I wasn't as hung up on the
scale and this and that.

I just accepted it.

Yeah.

Cool.

- I'll also say three,

I had the same problem with kind of like,

what the rules of the world were.

Yeah.

- And I found that very distracting.

But at the same time,

it did feel like a little
bit of a power move,

that they didn't feel
the need to explain it.

Ooh!

- So I liked that a little bit.

- It's like Chuck Tingle
was taking control of us.

Yes.

- Yeah, honestly, you've
convinced me a little bit.

Woo!

- I think I would have been a two-five.

- Yeah?

- But I think I'll go three,

'cause it was like, we understand

that in this world, planes
have abs and are hot,

he wasn't like, this is
what his dick looks like.

Which, yeah, which is good.

And I did like, I did like the
description of the handjob,

and the description of the abs and stuff.

- Yeah.

- So yeah, I'll go three.

It wasn't for me,

but I think it was like--

- Yes.

- Well done, and also the casualness

maybe between the two guys

was not my favorite sexual--

- Like, fantasy, yeah.

- I want it to be a
little more like, wait.

Are we, is this happening?

- Yeah, making eyes.

- Instead of like, hey bro,

want to come over and play pool,

or play cards, I can't get in my house.

I can't get
in my house right now!

- That was actually a tragedy.

- Yeah!

- It's too sad, couldn't focus.

- Well that is it.

- Yes.

- That is our voting on that.

Thank you so much for listening,

we have our book for next time,

our next assignment.

This isn't specifically
an erotic narrative story,

but it does have a lot of eroticism in it.

It is The Secret Lives of Women:

A Man's Astrological Guide
to Love and Intimacy.

And it was by Lisa London.

And you can get that on Amazon,

again, that's The Secret Lives of Women:

A Man's Astrological Guide
to Love and Intimacy.

We're gonna learn about what gets

each astrological sign off.

- Didn't we talk about
this on the Alfie Pod,

we talked about everyone's erogenous zone?

- Yeah, yeah.

So I thought that that would be fun

to kind of follow up on.

And everyone in LA seems to be

super obsessed with astrology.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- Yes.

What are your signs?

- I'm a hard Virgo.

- Cool.

- I'm an Aries, but I don't
know anything about it.

- I'm an Aries, too.

We apparently, our
erogenous zone is our head.

- Really?

- Is our baby soft spot
the back of our head?

- When you moosh our soft brain.

- Okay.

- Ooh.

- What's mine?

You wouldn't know mine.

- I don't know yours.

- We'll look it up, we'll look it up.

And you look it up too.

- You look up your signs for next week

and we will see you then!

- Thank you!

- Thank you so much for being here!

Thank you to our experts,

have a sexy week, everybody!

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