All language subtitles for E.B.C.S01E15.Alfie - The Horny Halfling Pt. 2

- Hello everyone and
welcome to Erotic Book Club.

The book club where we read erotic books.

I am your host Jess Ross.

With me as always is my co-host

- Rekha.

- Rekha

Do the Rekha dance.

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any show you want.

And in particular for this one

you can be apart of the Erotic Book Club.

So I grabbed some

quick little quotes from it.

There was a very long conversation

about sexy skeletons and bones.

Someone went on Hero Forge

and made a very thick, sexy skeleton.

- Yeah, it was nice.

- It was yeah, very pleasurable.

Queer Phone wished everyone
a happy daddy's day.

- Thank you.

- Which you'll probably hear this

a little after Father's Day

but I think we can always,

really every day is daddy's day.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- That's the things about daddy's--

- Yeah, daddy yes.

- And there's a lot of great

erotic suggestions in there.

We can't always get to
everything on the podcast

but if you like,

reading this shit every single night

you can go on there,

pick something out and enjoy yourself.

So that's what's going on in our Discord.

But now it's time to talk about

the book that we came here to talk about.

The second half of Alfie

chapters six to 10.

- You demanded it, we read it.

- Yes by N. Case.

Of course, you know we needed
to bring out experts back.

So with us again is our ear expert Ally.

- Thank you so much for having me.

- Thank you so much.

Now how did the first half
and second half ear play,

ya know, any thoughts on that?

- I mean we'll get in to it.

But I think they really upped their game

- in this second half.
- I agree.

- It think so too.
- I agree.

- And this time we had a
little more biting of the ears.

- There was.
- Yes.

- Hey.
- And just

more ears in general.

- Mm-Hmm.

- To be bitten.
- I would agree representation

- Yes.

- Representation

Matters.

- Remember when, yup.

- Frances McDormand.

- When Frances McDormand starting a speech

at an awards ceremony saying

"representation matters."

and then thanked her agents.

Because that's what she
meant by representation.

- And that is a real

that happened.
- It's important.

- One year ago.
- Like tomatoes, lettuce.

- Yeah.

- A diversified diet.

- Diet.
- Is good for ya.

- Eat a little less meat.

- Yeah.
- Ya know diversity matters.

- We also have our returning expert--

- Yes.

- Tao here.

He's our returning Halfling expert.

- Yes.

- Tao, would you say,

you were kind of railed on

in the comments.
- I was.

Yes.
- About your Halfling

expertise.
- Hot.

- I was.

- Have you updated your knowledge--

- You promised us that you studied more.

So we can't bring you back
with false information.

- We'll be humiliated.

- No, absolutely.

I studied, I went back and
looked at my thesis again.

And I was wrong last time.

Halflings are not half

human and half elf,

okay, I looked it up,

I have more information now.

Halflings are half humans and half dogs.

- Thank you for the correction.

- Okay.
- Right now I get it.

Makes sense.

- Small tiny dogs like your chihuahua.

- Okay.

- Like your--

- That explains the ears.

- Yes.
- Explains the, yes

the ears.
- That makes perfect sense.

Thank you for the correction.

- Okay, so everyone can calm down now.

- Tao has corrected it.

His answer is now
- Yes, I'm--

- More correct.

- Yes.

- Thank you Tao.
- Wonderful.

- Yes, thank you so much.

I've looked through and combed
the internet for sources.

- Cool, thank you.

- Let's dive right on in.

Let's dive into the

the waters of chapter six that start out

with Alfie in a lake.

In a white tee shirt

and this cute little floral wreath.

And she's looking as sultry as ever.

- Yeah, she really is.
- More so than what

I remembered.

It's been a couple of weeks

- A battle of days, yeah.
and I was like wow.

Yeah, I missed her.

We are at the,

so to catch you up from last time

or if you didn't check out
the first Alfie episode

Alfie is about a halfling woman.

Teenage girl and her mother

and it's a lot about sexual repression.

And discovering and trying new things out.

And we're met at this

chapter there was a big
festival about to happen.

For all the women

wear wreaths and go into a lake?

- Yeah.
- Yes, I saw

there was one panel where

it was kinda like in the background where

a halfling

woman put a

candle on a wreath into the river.

And then it sunk.

- Yeah, and

weirdly, that's a Hindu thing.

- Oh really
- You have like

leaves with little like

wicks with a little flame

that you release into the Ganges.

The Ganges River.

And it's very beautiful.

You shouldn't put a candle.

That'll definitely sink.
- I was gonna say,

yeah.
- What?

- Right, it's

and then she went "I guess
I'll never get married."

- Oh my god.
- That's the test.

- It's the test.

- If this candle sinks.

- If this dense candle sinks.

- It's always going to sink.

This is like a freaking birthday candle.

- Yes.

- So they are,

there's lots of people

gathered around the bonfire, celebrating.

Vera is looking for Alfie.

Vera is Alfie's mother,

but she can't quite find her.

She wants to talk to her 'cuz

they'd gotten into another fight.

They're kinda always fighting.

But Alfie goes off into the woods

with her friend Melly.

And she's saying she's not
really feeling the festival.

She just doesn't feel like
she fits in and belongs here.

She's thinking about leaving.

And her friend's like, "Will
you just chill the fuck out?

"Let's go to like, Skinny Dip Lake."

in the middle of the woods.

And so they go to Skinny Dip Lake

and you can only imagine

what happens next with these friends.

- Yes, Alfie is about to go,

Alfie takes off her pants.

And then Melly goes
"Alfie, You know to skinny dip,

"you have to take off your shirt, right?"

which I know that's part of the sexy plot,

but like don't we all have that friend

that's just like,

won't let you be
uncomfortable in your body.

And you're like, "Just give me space

"to be uncomfortable."

- You think Alfie was like,

"I don't want,

"I need my shirt on."

- Yes.
- " While swimming."

- Yeah.
- I need my tight

white tee shirt on
- Yes.

- I know it's part of the sexiness,

but I was just like,

"I had that high school friend."

- Shut up Melly.

- Yeah shut the fuck up.
- You're fucking six pack.

- I definitely have the

middle school--

- Yeah.
- Boy experience where like

"I'm just gonna leave my
shirt on in the pool."

- Yeah.

Exactly.
- I had the middle girl

experience of it.

I wore gym shorts in pools.

- And shorts.

- Yeah.
- Mm-Hmm.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Which always, doesn't it suck

when you hop in in full clothes

and you're like, "All right I'm safe."

but then they just suction
to your body even more.

You might as well be wearing like spandex.

- Yeah it's true.
- Or just getting out

is the worst.

- Yes
- it's like everything

is stuck to you.
- And it super heavy

because it's not made to like--

- I just was like, "I don't want anyone

"focusing on my boobs"

- Yeah.
- And like a bikini

so like "oh you can a third
- yeah, yeah, yeah.

"of each side" ya know.
- Yeah.

- So I was like, "I'll wear a shirt"

but yeah

then you get out.
- Then it's just plastered.

- And you're like, "Good God."

- Yeah.
- This is a way worse.

- And now it's see through.

- Yeah, yeah.

It fucking sucks.

Anyway, so--

- So they're both like
drunk at this point right?

- Off of like one beer each which

- A courage beer.

- Yes.
- That's all they needed.

- But for halflings how much would

you need?
- I know, yeah

- How much beer?

- Ah yes, halflings oh you know

like a shot is like eight beers.

Ooh.

- Get plastered.

These bitches are wild.

Because you know, the chihuahua.

- Cause of the chihuahua.

Chihuahua's get drunk really fast

just like halflings.

- And that Taco Bell
chihuahua's all over the map.

Okay, so this pool,

this lake was hot too,

or like warm right?

So I imagine it's almost like a

hot tub effect.
- Oh it was?

- Which you're not supposed to--

- It was warm.

- Like a warm spring?

- Well when she get in she goes

"It's warm, it's perfect"

and then she goes "Why are
you wearing your shirt?"

And she goes "It's cold."

And she goes "Is it cold
or is it warm Alfie?"

- Oh, I liked that.

That was the fun part.

- It's very playful.

But I was like,

"Oh is this gonna be
like a hot tub effect?"

like you're so,

you're gonna pass out.

Oh no.

- So was it warm,

what is it a warm river?
- I think it was just warm

like normal warm.

- Yeah.
- Okay, got ya.

- I loved in the scene too

so to kind of show the attraction

we just kept getting little shots

of Melly's vagina different angles.

- Yeah.
- And she's like bent over

but it's very clearly in the middle.

- Like we are Alfie's eyes zooming in--

On her vagina.

- On her friend's vagina

and how like obsessed she is over it.

Which I really like that.

And then at one point Melly calls her out

like, "Are you looking at it?"

And there's a super cool panel where she

calls her out for it

but is also like standing over her

with it like, "Oh this?"

- Yeah.
- I was like dam.

- And she goes

"I know that look.

"That's the I want to fuck look."

- Which I was like "cool".

- Alfie gets super embarrassed.

- Cause she does.

- But Melly keeps kinda egging her on

and teasing her in a way

that's like half making fun of her

bub obviously, also interested in it.

- Cause, also back story

Alfie has that fantasy
of having sex with Melly.

- Yes
- She watched friend

having sex

at a bonfire thing.

And then her, Alfie and
her boyfriend went off

but the whole time she was thinking about

the friend Melly.
- Her friend, yeah.

- So then, she's like,

"All right, well come
over here and kiss me."

and they do.

And then Alfie's kinda freaking out.

And she's super into.

So then she grabs her and does it again.

And then we get into
a super hot sex scene.

- I thought this was so hot.

- Yeah duh.
- I like this one.

- Oh my god yeah.
- Yeah.

- It was so

I literally wrote down
"nothing better than

"a woman going down on a woman,

"and she's all sprawled out."

Everyone of those pictures I was like

"This is the most beautiful
- That's what is says in the

"thing"
back of the book.

- Yeah.
- Jessica Ross,

New York Times.
- Ain't nothing better.

- All sprawled out.

- All sprawled out.
- I didn't mean it like

this.
- Ain't nothing better.

- Like a platypus.

- Like a big city.
- There's something like a,

- Like a big city.

- I'm talking about like a renaissance

like rubenesque thing.

They were just lounging
- Naw you're talking about

in grapes.
big city.

We're talking about urban planning here.

- Oiling and licking each other up.

- Ain't got no parking.
- She talking about,

she talking about Brooklyn.

- And Alfie is just loving it.

And she's having a great time.

This was just a great,
tender, wonderful sex scene.

- I thought it was beautiful.
- Yeah it was great.

- I liked

that,

this felt like one of those less predatory

like first time things

where,
Oh yeah.

- She wasn't being like,

"Let me teach you."

and it felt like gross.

It was just literally like,

"Yeah I'm interested.

"Go down on me."

- "I will finger you."
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I will reciprocate.

Yeah, okay it's your turn now.
- Yeah, like it felt

really

nice.

- They were just like exploring and yeah

there was no like

shame attached or anything.

- It was just awesome.
- Until.

Yeah until the end of it, yeah.

- Oh that's right because so then

they're,
- Oh yes.

Going at it, having a great time.

But then Vera

is still looking for Alfie and of course

interrupts and finds them.

Lashes out at Melly.

Basically tries to blame her

and then can kinda see
in Alfie's eyes like,

"Oh, it not just Melly's fault.

"Like you wanted this too."

- Right.
- Yes, and as the back story

for Vera she's been having like a

you know, learning moment with

homosexuality, with kinks.

With like BDSM and like

just basically anything
that isn't straight

sex.

- Yeah, her husband is

a gay and cheats on her.

And so I think she's

almost in a way

lashing out,
Yes.

at Alfie and also afraid for her.

And so many emotions kind of all at once.

- And lashing out at Melly

'cuz she's like, "You're married Melly."

Yeah, yeah,
married people don't cheat.

- Which is like

personal to Vera.
- Melly, Derek.

- Yeah, yeah.

- So Alfie runs away.

And I thought this was
a really cool thing too

when she runs away

kinda of her mother's words are like

- blocked out around her.
- Yes.

- And the blocks mean
- You should be ashamed

her mind.
from the lie.

So it's like all playing
in her head still.

- I love that device.

- I love that a lot too.
- I love how like the thoughts

were squared.

I'm like, "Oh, that helps me."

When someone's saying something

and then the thought
bubble is the opposite

I'm like, "Oh, that's exactly how

"sometimes it is."
- It's really well done,

in the whole book.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And the book does a great job too.

It's like every time Vera gets
into one of these big fights

it's almost like she just
instinctually lashes out

and then she's instantly like,

- "Why did I do that?"
- Yeah.

- "Why did I say that?"
- Yes.

- Why?
- She has a humanness to her

even though

you're like mad at her.

- It's like anger is

her coping mechanism for everything

just to jump to like,

"Well you did something wrong."

And then they show a flashback of Vera.

And her being called a whore and a beggar

and wanting to run away by her mother.

So it's like the cycle of it happening.

So just these characters are so great.

They're really well written.

- Yeah.

- So she goes home.

She finds a note from Alfie
that she's running away

and Alfie says she's going
to her grandfather's.

Which we find out is a lie.

She's actually gonna join the caravan.

And then Vera and Derek have a moment.

Vera confesses that she slept with Alduine

who is the elf from the first book.

And instead of being upset

Derek is kinda like, "Yeah, that's great.

"I'm super happy for you"
- And Vera's upset that

he's not upset.
- Yeah.

- I feel like at this
moment Warriors like,

"Yeah, now you're gonna
be mad aren't you?"

And being like no.
- Yeah, that feels very real.

- It feel very real.

- She just wants anything from him.

Like even anger shows that you care.

Just to go like, "Oh
cool, yeah good for you."

It's kinda like,

"Why don't you care about--
- "Why are we married?"

Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Right.

- It's like her warped mind though.

He's totally showing that he cares

saying like, "Yeah I'm glad

"that you're getting what you need."

- Yeah.

- But she's just like, "What the."

- Well yeah, 'cuz it's almost like

he gets to be happy

because he's more sure of himself

and what he likes.

And she is still figuring that out.

So her using this as a trump card of like,

"Well I'm also,

"I'm with this elf who

"gets me into BDSM."

and he's like "Great."

And she's like "No."

- Cuz she still doesn't know.
- Yeah, yeah totally.

- If she likes it or not.

Yeah.

- Yeah, that feels,

feels real.

- Derek know about Melly
and Alfie being together?

And he's more just concerned

cuz he knows what this life has

been like.
- Yes.

- If she has to be secretive about it.

How difficult it is to keep that secret.

Like, he's more just worried for her.

- Right.

- And upset how Vera handled it.

Cuz she also confesses
to like yelling to Alfie.

- That part made me go "Oh my God."

- You told me there's a part
that made you kind of tear up.

That was it?
- That was it,

of like that parental care.

- Yeah, that was hard cuz everyone,

you see how flawed they all are.

And are trying to do their best.

And they don't always get it right.

- Yeah.

- So Alfie's like, "Don't follow me."

And the dad's kinda, in her note,

and he's like, "I'll respect her wishes."

But the mom doesn't.

Oh wait, before that

she meets up with Alduine one last time.

Oh yes.

Yes.

- And so

she goes there she

talks to his body guard
outside of the place.

And then between,

there's kind of like a flashback with her

in the body guard scene

and the actually scene
that's happening in the tent.

Because the body guard
eventually ends up like

joining them in the bedroom.

- Yes, she's like trying to help fulfill

Alduine's like, kinks and fantasies

- Yeah.
- By

bringing in the body guard.

- Cuz this is his first time with a man.

- Yes.
- So before--

The body guard's?

- Yes, Vera would like put on a strap on

but this is his first time with a man.

And then,

he seems to enjoy her being there

as well watching it.

Which I thought was

great.
- Yeah, what did he say?

He's like, "I have such a long life."

He was just like,

"I'll live for so long."
- Yes.

- "Like maybe next century I'll try

"having sex with a man."
- Yeah, yeah.

- Or something.

- I'll get around to it.

- Perspective.

- When I go to college

when I'm 300, I'll try.

I'll experiment.

- Yeah, that's like
the equivalent of like,

"Yeah I guess in college
I'll start exploring."

- And I thought this was
a pretty hot sex scene.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- I liked the other one better.

But I thought this was--

- The other

between, Melly and Vera?
- Melly and Alfie.

- Yeah okay.
- Yeah that one

was just like pure

like two friends.
- It felt like very

- It was sweet.

- And I like the romance aspect of that.

Even though this is also
special in it's own way.

- Interesting, I wonder what you're

test results will say.

- We took a kink test.

- Yes, we did take a kink test.

A BDSM test which we
will share the results.

The results are in.

- We'll call someone--
- The results are in.

- The Electoral College voted.

- I am 95% East Asian.

- Wow, 95.

- What's the five?

- Yeah.

- I think the moment,

the moment in this scene I liked the most

was when it was

someone was getting sucked off

and then from behind
someone's getting that.

I liked that.

Like an eating out

and then that person's getting something.

And then these two can see each other.

And it just is--

- There was a lot of that in this

- latter half.
- There was.

- Yes, a nice little group of friends.

So the big plot point that
happens in this one is

Alduine is like, "Vera
you can come with me.

"I want you to come with me

"when the caravan leaves tonight.

"You can leave all this behind."

And Vera's in a position where she's like,

"Well, my husband, ya
know we don't get along.

"My daughter's

"who knows where."

- And he wants to hire her to
be his personal leather maker.

- Yes.

- To like just make toys.

- Yeah
- Sex toys

like on retainer which is

pretty cool.

- Yeah.
- Dam.

- So you just think of one like,

"It would be fun if it was like

"a strap on like this."

And then you have someone just make it.

Like in home shop.

- It's like a personal chef.

- There is like a--
- it's actually not

unlike a personal chef.
- It's like a personal chef.

- Vera's a cool sinoir.

- A personal chef but for like toys.

It's weird that she always has to

use them with him though.

I feel that is very like,

"You'll travel with me."

and I'm like, "I don't know."

I think she's finding herself with him

but she should take that to someone else.

- Yeah, this is stop

number one.
- It's too much of

a combination of a business transaction

for what she seems to want.

- With her baggage of being called a whore

I'm like, "She doesn't
actually need to continue."

- I wrote that down too

just how many times people question

or refer to themselves as pervert.

And like perversions

and how much it's

like well no one else,

it's kinda like a group,

but the caravan is almost like a group of

social outcasts in a way.

People who aren't feeling

like they're fitting in to their society

so they all kind of go there.

Yes.

- And then, yeah there desires are always

meant to feel like freakish or.

- Right.
- Yeah.

- And even Vera's,

she feels like it's freakish

and needs to kind of

justify it a little bit with a financial

transaction of some sort.

She's always like ,"I
wanna be a good worker."

Or whatever, so even when
she's exploring her sexuality

she has to be a good worker
and provide the tools kind of.

- Yeah.
- Totally.

- She's constantly going

perversion, like deviant
- Yes.

there's always,
- Yes.

like if there's word cloud
Yeah.

of all these used words
- Yes.

like that's like the biggest one.

- Yes.
- Yeah, deviant.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- We have so then

Vera realizes that Alfie is
not at her grandfather's.

She doesn't accept the

deal.

So, she founds out that Alfie's not there

and she's like, "I have
to go find my daughter.

"She's not like me.

"She won't be able to survive
out there on her own."

Kind of thing.

- And the dad's like,

"I mean, I guess she's on her own."

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah,

totally.
- Which I'm like

all right,

I get that he's being supportive

but I'm like, "You could care a slight

"bit more than--"
- Care a little bit.

- You don't know where she is.

- "Oh, I guess she's gone."

"Hey Vera be chill."

"Like me who's never around."

Yeah, yeah.

- So now we are on chapter eight.

It is one month later

and we see Alfie and Marco

who is the human that she met.

- Yes.

- And I think lost her virginity to.

- Yeah.

- And now they're boning in some tavern.

They're having a blast.

- They're boning in bed.

- Yeah, on the bed.
- On the bed.

- Keep talking

- About the bed.
- Yes.

- They're like, "Wow, a bed."

- Which I guess is true.

If you've only had sex
on the ground forever.

That's like whoa.

This is great.

- I was thinking--
- It's like in Claritin

commercial when they peel off the filter

you're like "Oh."

- I feel like a lot of people's

first experiences were in cars and

sneakily wherever.

But I just,

I was much older.

I wasn't like,
- Me too

- 16 ya know,
- Mine was on a bed.

I was in fucking bed with my girlfriend.

- I can't imagine growing up in a city

and doing all that on the

- you have no privacy.
- Sex in a public pool

at night that you snuck in to.

That sounds fun.
- Uh-oh.

- Me?

- Yeah you looked like

you liked it.
- Not in public pool.

No I did it on the train once

coming back from New York to Pennsylvania.

- No I mean I've had public sex, honey.

- But that wasn't a virginity loss.

No I just had

in my dorm room

on an extra long cot.

- Twin XL.
- A cot?

What are you King.

- What would you call those?

I wouldn't call those beds.

The mattresses are
- Those are some Xls.

this thick.

- I dated a guy once who was like

he was one

"dated".

One of those guy's who likes to be like,

"Yeah I did this, so what?"

He talked about having
sex in an elevator once

and I was,

in a parking garage elevator

and I was like, "How many floors was it?"

Cuz that just seems like
there's only three floors.

How long?

- I came instantly.
- Yeah, I know, exactly

- Before I hit P3.
- that sounds bad.

- I prematurely ejaculated
in a parking garage elevator.

Do you wanna go out sometime?

- It was so weird.

It was his opener.

- I think jerking off
is nice for the elevator

or fingering someone.

Jerking off tradition
- jerking off in an elevator,

is a bit much.
full penetration

for an escalator.

- Call me old fashioned

- Skewering for
- No, nothing on the

you know when you're
escalator.

in the Guggenheim

and it's a big, long, curly hallway.

- Yeah, now that's for anal.

- That's for anal.

- Escalators are too dangerous.

People get stuck in the little

teeth of it.

- Yeah if you've got long pants on.

- Don't have sex on an escalator.

- Or with long pants.

- Or big long show laces.
- Or with big, long pants.

- It's a clown.

- So Alfie and Marco are doing it.

Alfie looks out the window

and at first she's a little nervous

because she's like, "Oh,
wait I wasn't even thinking

"maybe people are looking."

and then she sees

someone is looking.
- Look who she's sees.

- And it's Miss Lydia.

From the caravan.
- A woman of color.

Of the whole book, Lydia.

- Lydia, our big, strong, tough Lydia.

- Yes.

- And she's loving what she's seeing.

She rips her top open
and shows her titties.

- And guess what.

What color where her nipples?

- I didn't even pay attention.

Shame on me.
- They were,

like clear.
- They were, were they were?

- They were like the color of her skin.

I was like, "Interesting."

- We talked about this episode one.

You were like, "They'd better be dark."

- I was like, "They better be dark."

- And they're not.
- And they're not.

- And this is the first
section that has been in color.

Everything we read before that
- And unfortunately,

was black and white.
spoiler alert

I know we only read to chapter 10,

there is another person of color.

It seems like the people with the tails.

- I assumed they were...

- Light nipples.
- Also light nipples

when they hook up.
- Light nipples.

- They're supposed to be
kind of Native American.

- Interesting.

- But I did like that
they had tiny boobies.

- Oh the,

- A new body style, yeah.

- I loved that.
- A new boob style.

- I was super into--
- everyone's still

super thin, and ripped.

- I mean what are you gonna do?

- Yes they are lean.
- It is crazy that

Alfies's boobs are truly
as long as her legs.

Those cells where you
only see her small legs.

I'm like, "This is so funny."

- Well they're like footballs.

Yes.

- They are, yes.

Is that typical in halfling culture?

- Halfling cultures, yes.

Women are almost 60% boobs.

- I understand, yeah.

- And the other part dog.

- The other part the
dog from the Taco Bell.

- 40% dogs and 60% boobs.

Think about your back.

- So Alfie is,

starts to write a journal.

Oh, wait she's not on the caravan yet.

So she's,

kind of Marco is a bit too clingy with her

and she's just feeling she
want to do her own thing

most of the time.

And he's following her around

and now Lydia after

that incident is
- Oh, well I mean

following her around.
she cums super hard,

when she sees Lydia.

That's the part,

cuz she's having sex with him

and it's kinda not working,

she's trying to be dominant.

He's saying some dumb shit.

- Yeah, in her mind
she was literally like,

"You think it's funny that I'm

"smart and have power right."

- She's just over it.
- Demeaning me.

- And then there's still having sex

and she looks out the
window and sees Lydia

and it like, "Oh."

And that happens earlier right?

She's having sex with him

and she thinks of Melly
and cums super hard.

- Here's the thing too that I appreciated.

The sex noises felt very real.

- I agree.
- I knew exactly

even if you were to,

here's what I'll venture to say.

I'm gonna make a bold, raff style claim.

If you took the images away

and went this is a sex scene.

I think I could tell which are the parts

this person's cumming.

The A and H noise.

She's receiving oral, okay.

- No way.
- Calls in my sixth sense.

- This is like if we did
Garfield minus Garfield.

- Yes, sex minus sex.

- Yes, sex minus.

- Erotica minus sex.

- I was browsing so it was hard for me

cuz I would look and be like,
"Wait they are already came?

"Where was that panel?"

And would go back it was just.

And I was like, "Oh, okay."
- which I thought like,

- "Correct".
- I guess.

- I do think you're
right because the panel,

they would have a hurung or and argh.

But then they would have a haha

and I was like, "That's so sweet"

that's so cute
That's a very real...

To cum and be like, "Haha."

Like, "That was fun."

Or I don't know.

"That was fun."

- I always do that after I cum.

- I love how sweaty
and messed up they are.

- No, you were saying she's sex dizzy.

Or fuck dizzy is what you called it.

- She got fucked dizzy.
- Sucks dizzy.

- Fucked dizzy.

- I fucker her dizzy,

is what I said.
- Wow,

that's something Jess is always
saying around the office.

- I'm sex dizzy.
- Well like,

"How was your weekend?"
- Me and Kate hung out

last night and

I fucked her dizzy.

- Which could, it's interesting

because it could be adjective
or it could be a noun.

Like, "I fucked her dizzy."

or " I fucked her dizzy."

that's cool.

- That's what I call
it, I call it a dizzy.

- I call it a fucking dizzy.

- Oh my god.
- Cuz it makes my head spin.

Cause it's so confusing.
- I don't know what.

I don't get it.

- Oh yeah, weren't you
saying there were birds

swarming around her head.
- Yeah little, little

property protected cartoon birds.

Just think really specific yellow canary.

- Once that's in it deep with the cat.

- Yeah, "I thought I saw a pussy."

A real will they, won't they.

- So they come down from the tavern.

The caravan's about to leave again.

It's going for this place called Red Ford.

Where these people who live
called the Vouche Korrie.

Does that?
- Vokar?

- Vokar?

- I am just a halfling expert.

- So I only know about dogs and--

- I know about dogs.

- And we meet one very important Vokar,

Ozgie?
- Oazga.

- Ozgie, yeah.

- Ozgie is what I was calling her.

Okay, let's go with Ozgie.

So, Ozgie is this tall,
beautiful drink of water.

I was instantly in to her.

She's so hot.

- Yeah, she's hot.
- Yes.

- She's gorgeous.

She's like a,

what are they kinda like elves?

- I think so.
- Tall elves with tails.

- And she has a septum piercing?

Or nipple piercing?

- Oh she had a lip thing.
- A lip.

Lip piercing.

- It comes in to play later.

I gotta, I'm telling ya
you gotta finish this book.

I'm telling ya.
- We didn't make it that far.

- I might read more on my own honestly.

- Ally read ahead.

- Only two more chapters.

- Well, I was gonna wait
until there were three more.

I don't know how long that would take.

And then I was like, "Oh
we could do it again".

- It's still going.

- It's still going?

- It's for add.
- They add

more and more pages.
- That makes a lot of sense.

I really appreciated the notes
from the author in between

that was like,
Me too.

"Mental health break."

Ya know like, "Fucking, I've
been at this for too long."

- I was just like, "Amen."
- That feels real.

- I love this author, N. Case

we love you.

- It's not Butt's Smitty?

That's a website.

- That's the website.
- That's just the website.

We don't know
what the relationship is.

- Interesting.

- Is it like a circle?

Maybe that's N. Case's real name?

- I googled who it Butt
Skinny a lot during this.

And I was like, "I gotta find them."

No, I didn't find shit.

So now that makes a lot of sense.

- Who is Butt Skinny?
- Who is Crunchyroll?

- And

Alfie sees

Ozgie and she's just

instantly in to her.

She's like, "Hubba, hubba."

Which anyone would be.

I mean truly,

go to chapter, what was this?

Chapter eight and just check her out.

She's gorgeous.

So, what happens?

Oh, so the caravan gets going
and Vera shows up to town.

She just miss Alfie.

She's in the tavern at the bar.

She's like, "I gotta find my daughter.

"I gotta find my daughter."

And someone who is there

is like, "Oh,

"That dudes a guy, ask him
and he'll like take you."

And so we see this very

burly, drunk man with the big beard.

And you're like, "Dam, these
two are gonna do it for sure."

- For sure.

And then this guy reminded me of

the character from "The
Pirates of the Caribbean".

- Jack Sparrow.
- Jack Sparrow?

- Not Jack Sparrow.

The portly guy who was--

- Davy Jones?

- Who was like Jack Sparrows--
- The guy with squid

face?

- The guy with the squid face, yeah.

He's the guy who's

the drunk, but then Jack Sparrow find him

and he's like, "You gotta help me with

"the ship and stuff"

And he's super drunk.

- I don't honestly remember.
- The monkey?

- The monkey.

Yes, the monkey.

- I know what you're saying though.

- Orlando Bloom, the actor?

Not the character?
- Yes, not the character.

- And she gets this guy,

they have a witty back and forth

but in the end she gets him to take her

as his guide,

and her guide.

There's a funny moment
where he's giving her

the goat that's she's gonna be riding

and she names the goat Alduine.

So she's like even his little master.

Right now.

- Also, when he wakes up in the morning

cuz he's super drunk when they first meet.

And he's like, "Err, yeah I guess so."

And then in the morning,

he shaves and he's almost a completely

different looking character.

- I didn't know it was
- He is absolutely

the same guy.
a different person.

- Oh, absolutely.

- She's just like, "Who are you?"

And he's like, "Oh, I'm
that mess drunk from."

I love a good sober

makeover.

A good bad first impression.

I love that shit.

They hate each other

and then oh, whoops you
were wrong about me.

- I went back and I had
to look at him again

and I'll be like, "I guess I kinda see

"the facial structures."
- I had to do that a few times

with people cuz a lot of
people look a little similar.

In the book.

- I once pulled up to a date

and the girl got off of
a really cool motorcycle

and I got out of an Uber Pool.

And it was very obvious that it

was an Uber Pool,
- Sitting in the middle.

- Because it was packed.

Yeah and people had

to get up to let me out.

- Oh, one moment.

- And I was just like,
"Will I live this down?"

And I did, so I like a
bad first impression,

to come back from.

- 'Cause you're like, "I can only go up."

- Yeah, it's only up from here.

And now let me order a daiquiri.

- So then we jump back
to Alfie on the caravan.

And I like this part too.

She was writing in a journal

as opposed to everything
being conversational

that we find out info.

And she's saying that
Lydia keeps hitting on her

after the incident.

And Alfie's like, "I think she's hot"

but not totally into it.

She's like, "You're kinda
coming on a little too strong."

Right.

- But somehow in one of
those magical threesome ways

they find their way in to a

fancy tent one night all together.

And everyone can kind of feel

like something's about to go down.

But no one's starting to initiate it.

- And Marco and Lydia have this long

relationship as friends.

- Yeah, like kinda frenemies.

- Frenemies.
- That kind of rag

on each other a lot.

- And Lydia's thing is just like,

"I'm into women.

"I've always been into women.

"Never into men."

There's a flashback later on

that shows her like,

"Oh well maybe you just
haven't met the right man yet."

And she's like, "No, I
absolutely know who I am."

- Yeah, and she was like,

"Maybe you haven't met
the right woman yet."

And the woman was scandalized.

- I love that part.
- I love that.

It was fun.
- They have that back story

where they're supposed
to protect someone's

store while the man was gone.

- Yes and then they, yup.

- And then they just--
- Double teamed

this woman.
- They double teamed

the mans wife.

- And while they were having sex

the store got robbed.

- Robbed.

- And so they were like,

"Okay well I guess we
have to steal what's left

"to get payment for this."

- Oh my God.
- And then they were like,

"We shouldn't a done this."
- We shouldn't,

yeah, Marco's like, "I didn't mean to."

And Lydia's like, "Hell yeah we did it."

- So these guys yeah

they kinda bring up that past moment

which is even planting the seed more

that they're about to do that.

And then Lydia kinda has her way with

Alfie at first.

But she's coaxing,

or being mean to Marco
the whole time about it.

Which was little odd.

This is my least favorite sex scene.

- I agree because one,

I didn't like that it seemed

that Marco was.

Either Marco be in it or

I don't really care about
him watching so much.

I don't know.

I guess for such a scene that's

with this woman who's very like,

"I'm into women and not in to men."

It felt weird to have this be the scene

that's like, "A man's
watching" or whatever.

Yeah.

- And then also

I didn't like whatever, it felt
a little predatory at times

because it did feel like
she was bullying Alfie

at certain moments.

- Kind of bullying everybody, yeah.

- Which I didn't like
or because I was like,

"Don't make like the
one openly comfortable

"lesbian character predatory."

Exactly.

- Very aggressive.
- And the only

woman of color.

And the only woman that
doesn't shave her armpits.

Every, every, everything.

- I went back and forth with it

because then later it's
discovered that she

has feelings for Marco

and she's never had
feelings for a man before.

And she kinda accepts
like, "Well I am into it."

I guess she feel like,
"If I feel that way,

"then maybe everybody else was right

"about all the other stuff."

And she feel like she's
losing her identity a bit.

I don know, I went back and forth

like maybe she's having a hard time

with things.
- There were a couple

of back to backs that bothered me.

So it was one, Marco was
the total focus of her.

- Yes.
- In the initial hook-up.

And even he said,

"Why do you keep,"
- "Why do you keep

yeah, "referencing
"looking at me?"

everything to me

which was so
- Yeah pay attention to Alfie.

in a movie when someone
kisses someone's girlfriend

and looks at them.

It's like she's just a prop.

But then Marco also said

and I wrote this one down,

it was insane.

"She's a beast with no notion
of restrain or civility."

About Lydia.

I'm like, "What?"

You blue eyed.
- Calling her a beast

- Get the fuck outta here.
- Felt really gross.

And civility nuh-uh, coded.

- Yeah exactly.

- Bye.

- The down point of
everything that we've read

I think that was--
- He also said,

"That doesn't count."

When she fingering her.
- Yes.

- Which was so male,

fragility.
- Like penetrative forward.

- Yes, it's just like, "If it's not a dick

"it doesn't count, all right everyone?"

- Listen Lydia

is hot as hell.

That sex could have been so

- good.
- It does seem like

a waste of how awesome she is.

- What did you think of
Lydia's straight haired vagina?

Was that shocking to anyone?

That was weird.

Everyone did.
- Yeah, I know.

- I didn't even notice she

didn't have--
- I think this person

is very white, right?

N. Case?

I think they're just like,
"I'm sure it's this."

Ya know, and I don't know.

- Listen,

straight pubes, a discussion,

colon a discussion.

How common

it is.
- Rekha's thesis.

- Who has it?

Who wants it?

Who needs it?

- I feel like it is not common.

In my field research.
- I don't think so either.

In your field research.

Okay, so we have some experts here.

- I guess that should have
been my expertise, right?

Pubes in the wild.

- Pubes in the wild.

I just think

this texture for pubes not common.

- There's few pubes
that I've seen that are

straight.
- There's totally

I mean I think the wirey.

- Including my own.
- For sure.

I have curly pubes.

- I'll go on the record and
say I have straight pubes.

Thank you, Tao.

- So I win,

this is normal to me.
- Thank you, Tao.

- All normal to me.

- The stenographer just wrote that down.

- And you know what?

As a true wow moment for me
ally you've just presented this.

As someone with curly everything,

I'm just so used to seeing straight

that I didn't even

it didn't even occur to me.
- Wow.

- This could've been,
- Wow.

- This could've been a beautiful moment

for curly haired women everywhere.

- Everywhere, and curly

every where women.
- Pubed.

- She was very trend too.
- The only thing straight

my arm hairs okay.

That's straight.

But everything else.

- Curly honey.

Curly honey and look at this cell again

cuz it's straight and short.

Why is she trimming her pubes?

- She's trimming her pubes.
- I thought that too.

- And not shaving her armpits
- and everyone has the freedom

to do whatever the fuck they want.

- It's true
- Maybe she doesn't like a

full bush but doesn't mind armpit.

It doesn't matter but

I'm just saying.

- Especially on a caravan,
when do you have the time?

- What do you,
- when do you have the time.

- Where does the
- When do you have

pube go?
the privacy?

- I go

two days and it's a mess.
- Do you use scissors?

- Or two swords.

- Let alone on a caravan.
- Two swords.

If she's trimming her pubes with a sword

that is a missing panel.

- Yeah, we need that panel.

- The lost panel.

- N. Case is adding a lot of

world building so they
should add this in there too.

- Pubes, what's happening?
- I think so too.

- Yes, you know when people take a sword

and they cut off the top
of a champaign bottle?

You know when people do that?

- So that happens.

The caravan keeps moving.

We finally get to the Red Ford.

- Where they--
- Oh, wait.

- Oh yeah so.
- Sorry,

my favorite part of
Lydia's first straight,

opposite gender experience was

that she slaps him and
yells, "Thanks, bitch."

- Yeah, I liked that too.

I did write that down.
- You think that moment

that slightly felt,

you know how sometimes when
you're watching an anime

and something might
just not have translated

in the original or whatever?

And they do something like,

"Why the fuck did that just happen?"

- Yes.
- That was one of those--

- Yup.

- Did I?

- Well they were
wrestling before that too.

Like, "Who's gonna be on top?"

it was such like, "Who has the power

here?"
- I feel like wrestling

is queer foreplay.

No matter what.

It's always like, "Oh my
God, should we wrestle?

And it's like, "Yes."

But yeah, and she hates the taste of

- cis male cum.
- Cum.

- I thought that was really interesting.

- And very real.
- But it was

kinda like,

I mean I'm down for her
being a bi-character.

But then I'm like, "Then
where is like maybe

"a more gay character?"

- Especially when--
- When we have

such limited visibility.

- Yes, with such limited visibility

and with so many people

that are questioning the
morality of queerness.

It feels a little strange
to have the one character

that is like, "I have
always known who I am."

I get the value
- True story.

- of adding complexity and nuance

to even a character
who's assured of herself

to be like, "Maybe I'm not so sure."

It's seems a little strange to make that

in her sexuality.

- Maybe it's just Derek.

The father?

- Is the only

- open.
- Oh true.

- But even then he's not open right?

Because he's still,

he's still married.

- Yeah, Lydia was such as loud,

- out and proud character.
- That's true.

- But I do like that it
shows that she can say like,

"I know who I am, no to this."

And then make it on her own terms

When she decides like,

"That's what I like."
- and then she get to be like,

"I'm gay, I can have sex
with men and still be gay."

- Yeah, yeah true.

And he's so pretty.

She's picking just this pretty little

wafe to have sex with.
- Yeah, at one point

they shave hit butt and she's
like, "Oh, I like that."

- Yes, I remember that.
- She like his little.

- Clean butt.
- Butt.

His little clean butt.
- Love it.

- Clean butt.

- So they make it to where Vokarie,

Vokar live.

And there's this bridge.

And Alfie and Marco are
looking over the bridge

and this creature's down there

and there like, "What the fuck is that?"

And before they know it

Alfie's being pulled
down by this creature.

And then there's a
really cool action scene.

I liked this fight
Yeah.

- sequence a lot.

And they're able to,

they're trying to fight it off.

Nothing's working.

And then Ozgie is like,

"You gotta shoot it in it's mouth hole."

- She's from Long Island.

- A Long Island elf.

- I'm a Long Island elf.

And so.
- Honey shoot it

in it's mouth hole.

- Big, big glass of wine

in her hand.

- So, Marco shoots it and then

it was a very big, dangerous creature.

So then when they meet the Vokarie later

they're like, "You guys are gonna be

"inducted tonight at our
ceremony as warriors.

"You're still humans, you're
not as good and though as us."

Cuz they're a tough people

who are known for
conquering different lands.

They don't like building walls.

They just like being able
to go wherever they want

and take whatever they want.

And you're gonna have a
party with us tonight.

Is kind of how they are introduced.

And then we also meet another character.

Another total hottie.

Just when I thought no one
could get hotter than Ozgie.

We meet

Aghavnie.

And she was such a babe.

I wrote the babe of all babes.

She was gorgeous.

- Queen babe.

- Queen babe.
- And fully naked.

- And fully,

I mean.
- My favorite--

- My jaw dropped.

I was like, "They all just chill out naked

"all day long."
- Naked all the time.

- And they're so fucking hot.

- This actually makes
- And then they

really a ton of sense,
- all do each other.

with your kink quiz results Jess.

- I was like, "This is my house.

"I love it here."

- This is my house.

- So yeah,

these Vokarie are,

this is because

they're, a monster was killed

and a new warrior is being anointed

with Lydia and Marco.

They're just all,

it's just an orgy fuck fest in there?

Yes.

- In the Red Fort?

- Yes.
- My favorite part,

my favorite cell so far

has been when that Puritan woman.

Ohana.

- Ohana is yelling at Ogie

and she's like, "Even
though you wear pants."

- Because no one else of that

brethren wears pants.
- they're all naked.

- "I still hate you even
though you wear pants."

- "Even though you wear pants."

- Ozgie left these people

cuz she wasn't feeling
like she quite fit in.

These, we find out they're,

they kind of have families

but the families are really

groups of people who are
all married to one another.

And then on this special
night that we're there

they get to go outside of those marriages

and be with other families.

And so they kind of all,

there's some what of tribes together.

But then they also can all do

each other sometimes.
- Yeah Ogie is

really monogamous.

We find out.
- Yeah, she's like,

"I just wanna be with one person."

and then throughout the caravan

we see scenes of her and Alfie just

it's so fucking cute.

They're just hanging out.
- Chatting.

- Showing each other

big, weird bugs.
- I love

Alfie's so interested in her culture.

- That's what I thought too.
- She like in all new culture.

And is like, "Tell me everything about..."

Oh it's so sweet.
- They wanna learn about

each other, yeah.

- Love it.
- It's not like,

"Oh you're just so hot.

"Let's go fuck in the woods."

They never have sex.

At least in the chapters that I've read.

- Up until this part.

- Well it's a slow build.

- And they're getting to know each other

and the best way they're like,

"Oh yeah." oh they're so cute.

I love them.
- They're so cute.

- So then with this Aghavnie,

we find out that she

is kinda in to Ozgie.

And she's like, "I want you to come back.

"I want you to be a part of my family."

And Ozgie's like, "No, I'm
just going my own thing."

They get into a bit of a fight

and it's very clear
there's jealousy there.

So at this big ceremony

where the two humans Lydia
and Marco are being anointed

last minute, Aghavnie's like,

"Oh no, these people stole from us."

And we find out she's referring to Ozgie.

"And they're no good.

"Go put 'em in my chambers."

And so they're put in to the chambers.

They know that they can't
fight their way out.

And they're like, "Well these people

"are fighting or fucking.

"So let's fuck our way out of this one."

- Yeah you're really good at fighting

or really good at fucking.

- Yeah.

- And then just to--
- To fuck your way out

of a problem.

- A giant orgy begins.

And everyone, everywhere
in this town is doing it.

- This scene

was

very long.

- Yeah.
- I freaking was

finishing reading it right before this

like, "When does the sex end?"
- This is long.

- There's a certain point where I'm like,

"Oh, this is hot."

And then you're like,

You've reached like the tipping point.

You're like, "Phew, okay."

It is a bit overkill, yeah.

Yeah.

- I did like that Marco was

just eating everybody's pussy.

Just another person would line up

and like just going to town.

- Well it was fun to see

I think like,

My theory of Lydia is that

she skews lesbian but would
love to be in a more dominant

relationship with a man.

Because she lit up.

He was like, "Hey, if you just play nice

"and get us through
this, you can do anything

"within reason to me."

Which is the absolute

log line of being a dominant.

Anything within reason to me you can do.

And then she was just
like, "Thank you so much."

Just completely changed.

- She gets slapped with a dick?

- She did slapped with a dick.
- Did she?

Yeah.
Jesus Christ.

- And then I liked in scene two

there was a moment where Marco was with

someone there who had a penis

and they were rubbing the
penis' at the same time.

- Oh yeah.
- And then he wanted

to have sex with Marco.

They wanted to have sex with Marco and

Marco was at first like, "No
way, no way, I don't do that."

But then ended up chilling
out and trying it out.

Because of that.

Saying, "Oh if you do this now,"

cuz it's supposed to be
diplomatic mission or something.

So well like, "If you do it I'll let you

"do whatever later."
- Dam the UN's

really working hard

- for us.
- Yeah the UN is--

- That's what they do.

- That's all they do.

- But throughout all this

Ozgie and Alfie are kind of
away from the whole situation.

And they're just hanging out.

Ozgie's like, "I wish
I could just leave here

"and go with you for the
rest of your travels.

"But my people get killed if
they go different places."

And we also forgot Alduine saw Alfie

was like, "Oh, I think I know who you are.

"Oh, that's your last name?

"I know your mom."

- Alfie's completely surprised like,

"How wold you know my mom?"
- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, know that they
- Cuz she doesn't know.

did work together doesn't
know that they were

working it together.

- And that Alduine asks
her to make a strap on,

- Harness yeah.
- And I was like,

"I know what this is."

- And he was like, "Not many
people know what this is."

- Could you tell, if you
look at it you're like,

"I think I know."

and I think if anyone saw--
- I think you could guess.

Oh it's a dick.

- I could probably guess

- This is a strap on, yeah.

- And so Alfie at first
says no to him about that

but then is like, "If
Ozgie can come with us

"and be my body guard,

"then I'll make you as many
strap ons as you want."

- "My body guard".

I need this person close at all times.

This strong person.

- I could get shot.

- It did make me think of Whitney
Houston and Kevin Costner.

- Good.

- A classic.

A real classic.

- And that is where
chapter 10 leaves us off.

That was everything.

- Oh wait, can I say?

There's this one moment with Lydia

that was

interesting to me was that

Lydia's not even her name.

- What's her name?

- Alduine like

is like

when Lydia and Marco fight the monster

Alduine's really impressed.

And Alduine's never really talked to them.

She like, "What's your name?

"Like, Lyra, Laura, something?"

And then Lydia goes, "Lydia's fine."

- That's an interesting
peer person of color moment.

- It is.

It goes, "Just call me--
- "It's Shankar."

- It's Rekha, yeah sure.

- That's interesting I
didn't even clock that.

- Yeah.

- Wow, cool.

- So we did take a BD

SM test

cuz especially in this chapter,

even more so than the beginning ones,

there was a ton of BDSM happening.

And we were wondering

what ours would be.
- Want me to read the options?

I've got the options

all right here.
- Oh yeah, yeah.

- So this was a test to determine

dominant-submissive, sadist-masochist.

A rope bunny versus a rigger.

A master or mistress versus a slave.

A degrader versus a degradee.

An owner or a pet.

A brat or a brat tamer.

I like that.

A hunter or a prey.

A daddy-mommy, boy-girl.

Age player, exhibitionist,

voyeur, experimentalist,

Nonmonogamous or switch.

- Interesting.

- This was a long test.

- I'll share mine first

because I told them mine before hand.

And then we're gonna
guess everyone else's.

We can't guess mine because I blew it.

But I got 94%

nonmonogamous.

89% vanilla.

- Such a funny combination old buddy.

Jess wants the most amount of people

in the most neutral way

possibly.
- Yeah. totally.

- It sounds so

perfect to me.
- I just want to smootch

a bunch of people.

- I really do think that
is perfect with you.

You want your glass of
wine and a naked house.

- Yes, that's exactly what I want.

Just everyone naked when I come home.

- Take off your shoes.
- What are we watching?

- We're watching Real House Wives.

- Then we can do a blow
job between commercials

and then we'll go to bed.

Where's my blanket?

- And then we all go to sleep.

Everyone have a 20 minute orgy.

- Okay, who's are we doing first?

Who are we guessing?

- We can do me.

Okay.

- Oh wait, do you wanna
- I have to look over--

- We all give ours to you

and you just guess the top?

- Oh, okay, okay.
You tell us the top rating

and we guess who's

top that was.
- Oh wait, so give me

Tao's first cuz we said Tao's first.

Give me your phone, okay.

So,

what is

Tao's, ooh Tao, what is Tao's number one?

Can I give you the percentage as a guess?

75%.

- That's my highest one.
- Okay.

90,

oh my God.

I mean that's.

- Jess there's barely
any human left in you.

- It's all nonmonogamous.

- Versus dog.

- Versus dog yeah.

- I think it would be funny if it was

let's see,

voyeur.

Voyeur is--

- Okay.
- Is it correct?

No, but--
- okay.

- It's in the top five,
voyeur that was a good guess.

- Are you experimentalist?

- Or Primal?
- No.

- Oh Rekha, you don't know Tao at all.

- Oh my God Tao

I was the one that's
- oh wait, Tao--

- known Tao the longest.

- Primal is in the top five.

- Okay see, I do know you a little.

Okay, rope bunny I wanna say no.

- It's not as low as you think.

- You little rope bunny.

- Brat tamer?
- Brat?

- Brat ta--
- Brat's not as low

as you think either.

Rope bunny and brat are the same,

are close.
- I guess I would be brat.

- 59% and 56%.

- All right what's the top?

- The top is dominant.

- But wait, what's number two?

What's number two?

- Switch.

- What is switch?

- I think it's switching between right?

- Got ya.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- And then we have rigger.

Which I don't know what
- oh, fun.

- that is.
- That's the rope person.

So that's to the rope bunny.

- Okay and then voyeur is 60.

A little hole in the wall.

- Watch out.

Watch out for Tao.
- What's in this

little hole in the wall place.

- A little hole in the wall.

Let's look.

There is a hole in the
wall I can look through.

- You fuck at a restaurant?

- Rigger you next--
- You're fucking

in the restaurant?

- A hole in the wall restaurant.

- Oh, oh I see, great.

- Uh oh, what is Rekha?

- Okay, but I didn't feel
mine was entirely accurate.

And I also realized I answered,

one of the questions they
asked you guys about wrong.

Which did lead to one
of those percentages.

- Oh I can't wait.

Okay, so you are.
- Top percentage is 86%.

- Age player.

- Age player.
- Age player is on

there for sure.

- No that's 3%.

- Interesting.
- very low.

You're in the red.

- God Damn it.

Let's see, mistress?

- What?

That's zero.

Damn it.

- What if I end up zero

for all of them?
- I don't know you at all.

- Primal, primal?

- Oh guys.

- Primal is in the top five.

At 31% it is the

- bottom of the top five.
- Submissive?

- No.

- Dominant?

- No.
- Hunny.

- Degrader?

- Experimentalist?

What is experimentalist?

- Experimentalist is 58,

I think that you'll just try anything.

- Oh try anything, got it.
- You like to try things.

- Exhibitionist?

- No.

- Vanilla?

- What the fuck?

- Vanilla is it.

- No way, vanilla's your number one.

- Cuz she loves baking.

- She loves baking.
- The two vanillas.

- Chocolate's number two.

The two vanillas--

- 76 was boy-girl.

- Oh cute.
- Which didn't feel

totally accurate to me.

Cuz I feel I

when I watch porn I watch
way more female porn.

And so that,

and then this is the
one I that I felt like

I answered the wrong thing.

And then got--
- Daddy-mommy.

- I've answered the coloring book

question.
- You know boy-girl

doesn't mean boy with girl.

It means, it's the
opposite of daddy-mommy.

So you like being the

young one.
- You want to be a

little baby.
- Versus the daddy-mommy.

- Got it, okay fair.

That feels okay.

Okay, cool got it.

Great.

- All right Ally.

Thank you.
- Get ready baby.

- Get ready.

- Ally has a lot of green.

- Okay what's the top percentage?

- 100%.

- 100, 100%?
- 100%.

Then 98, 89, 86,
- Whoa.

78, 75.
- Get ready.

- I'm gonna go,

I'm gonna go dominant.

- Oh good guess.

- We're not even in the
top 10 I don't think.

- Submissive?
- But it has 56.

- Submissive?

- No, you are incorrect.

Submissive is--
- Experimentalist?

- Let me see.

Yes, 67% but that's still
not even the top five.

Oh submissive, I'm sorry was 64%

so it is in the top ten.

- Primal?
- Okay.

- Primal is in the top five.

Both hunter and prey,

what's the difference there?

- I think it's like you want to be hunted

or be the prey, I don't know.

- Daddy-mommy?

- No, no daddy-mommy.

- Master-mistress?

- No, no, no.

- No, no, no oh Tao.

Do you even know me?

- Actually no.

- No.

- I would say

you're actually--
- Well that's in

the top 10

but it's the lowest.
- No it's true.

- You strike me as

heavily monogamous.
- It's true.

It's absolutely true.
- No.

- Switch?

A switcher, a Nintendo Switch?

- 100% Nintendo Switch.
- 100% Switch bitches.

- Nintendo Switch.

- Actually that checks.
- Yeah.

- Cuz I heard you talk about
one of the exciting things

about being in a queer
relationship is like,

"Who's, who's what?"
- oh yeah.

It's always different.

- Well that explains the hunter-prey too.

- Yeah, when switch and then hunter,

and then prey.

- There's also rigger and

Rope bunny.

- Voyeur and pet.
- Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- I'll watch your pet any time.

- That was so fun.
- And Tao will watch you

watching your pet.

- I'll watch you watch your.

- Should we grade Alfie real quick?

- Yes, rope bunny
- Before we--

- Rope bunny.

One to five.

- I'm gonna give it four a half again.

I think I gave it that last time.

- Yeah.

- I think that first
scene with Melly and Alfie

was so hot.

That was a great scene.

- It was hot.

- Oh we didn't even talk about the giants

having sex either.
- Oh the giants.

- That was wild
- That was--

- That was

almost animal.

- I clicked through it.

- Didn't need.
- I don't really know

what happened.

- It was just more like, "Whoa."

- Watching.
- It was a bit of

nature documentary.

- It'd be perfect if I was a cyclops

cuz then I could be a
voyeur with just my one eye.

- That's horrible stereotype.

- "My one big eye."

- You'd have no depth perception.

- I guess that's pretty important.

- I'm gonna give this one a 4.75.

I thought it was so great.

Especially at the beginning and the end.

That one little mishap in the middle

stopped it from being pure perfection.

- Yeah maybe I would knock
mine to a four for that.

- Which part in the middle?

- Just the Lydia scene
that they kinda botched.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

- Well, I'll give it a five.

- The coloring.

I mean it's truly

so much more elaborate.
- It looked beautiful.

That's, of anything that we've read

especially that second half.

People were right.

It really did pick up.

It was awesome.

- The image of,
- Gorgeous.

- Vera's and Derek's wedding,

I took a screen shot but
just because I was like,

"This is an amazing looking panel."

- Or just by the bonfire.

Even in the black and white

they have the light shown off things.

It's just beautifully made.

- I liked the,

when someone tattooed Lydia's boob

and you could see

the hand print.
- Oh I liked that too.

And I like whenever Lydia came

it was like red energy shot out of her.

- I liked all the wetness.

Like how it was shown moved around

but the one thing I was like,

"No one's nose is wet."

This person clearly has never

eaten pussy in their lives
- Make-up always got

fucked up.
- Yeah exactly.

- Which I did like the color.
- A bit of translucent

powder on my nose.

- "Oh, excuse me."

- What about you Ally?

- Five.
- Five.

- Five.
- Oh five.

- Five over here honey.

I thought it was great.

- Well, thank you so much for joining us.

Oh, the book for next week,

or next week's assignment is

"Back Stage Pleasures:
First Tour, Fresh Desires"

by Tonya Colt.

You can find that on Amazon.

Thank you so much for being here

and have a sexy week

everybody.
- Thank you.

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