All language subtitles for E.B.C.S01E08.Alfie - The Horny Halfling

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We have some of our favorite moments.

You guys were really
into my glasses rant from

Shared By the Lumberjacks.
- I loved it.

Some huge love for just standing up

for all glasses-wearers everywhere,

so thank you, thank you.

Yes, yes, Tao included.

We had some pitches for Mr.
Vegetable erotic fiction.

I don't hate it.

- I am truly in love with Mr. Vegetable.

If I had a storyline at College Humor

where we kind of met and like dated

like in the background

of videos.
- Perfect, perfect.

- I would be very happy.
- Hey, write it.

- We also had some bear facts in there.

- Oh my god, yeah, we had some definitive

or not definitive answers on
what to do if you find a bear,

so if you subscribe to Dropout,

you can find out what to do
if you ever encounter a bear

and if you don't, you could get killed.

- It was very funny
cause we got two people

who felt very sure that they were right

with totally different answers.

So it is just like you're
sitting here with us.

- It's sort of subjective.

Like what you do when you see a bear,

it's kinda up to interpretation.

It's up to the viewer.

- I don't think so, right?
- Yeah.

- Well there were different kind of bears.

If it's a black bear, you
can tell it to fuck off.

If it's a brown, like a
grizzly bear, you just,

you're dead.

- Right.
- End of story.

- What about a polar bear?

- You just hug it and
give it little kisses!

- Same with a panda bear and a koala bear.

- Same with a panda,

you give him a little smack on his heinie.

So those are the bear rules.

But now's not the time
to talk about bears.

Now is the time to talk about Alfie,

the graphic novel that we
read, looked at this week.

- By InCase.

- By InCase.

And we brought some
experts with us as always

because it's a little challenging

looking at material without
having maybe an expert eye.

So we're so happy with us to
have an ear expert with us,

please welcome Ally.

- Hi, thank you so much.

- So Ally, please talk about

your ear expertise and
how it could apply here.

- I know you have two ears.

- I have two ears,
honestly, that's kind of

the start and stop of my expertise.

- Interesting, that's awesome.

- I was born actually with two ears.

Awesome.

- And, but actually more so than that I,

if you look up like your zodiac sign,

it will tell you like
your erogenous zone and

my main erogenous zone it would be Cancer,

but I am an Aquarius
rising, which is ears.

Wow!

- Wow!

- Okay, so there's a lot of ear stuff

that's like really relevant to you.

- Yeah, a lot of years
spent and dedicated to ears.

- Yeah, a lot of ears spent.

- Ears spent on ears.

And for those of you maybe
not familiar with Alfie,

this is very important because Alfie,

the lead character, is a
halfling with giant ears.

So this is going to really come into play.

- Yes, and we also have
another expert here.

Please introduce yourself.

- My name is Tao Yang and
I am a halfling expert.

- Great.
- Wow.

- This is gonna be really crucial

because a lot of our main characters

are halflings, sort of elf types.

- I don't know anything about
like elves or humans or orcs.

I don't know anything
about that but halflings?

I definitely.

The melding of a human and an
elf I know everything about.

- Well, if you wanna
talk about the melding

of a human and an elf, oh boy!

Oh boy, here we go!

- Oh boy, chapter one!
- That's all I was looking at.

- What a beautiful segway!

For those of you, if you did not

have a chance to read Alfie,

I'll give you a couple of the characters.

It's a little bit of a denser story,

so we have a couple to follow along.

- And just as a heads up,
because this was so long,

we wanted to make it so it was
a little easier to read along

so we read up until the
end of chapter five.

We realized that there are
things that happen beyond that,

given that it goes longer,

but just so that it wasn't
an unreasonable ask.

- On the Discord this morning,

I did see everyone being like,

"oh, they're not gonna get to chapter six,

"that's where the shit goes down!"

- And we are so sorry.
- We have no idea

what shit goes down, we
only know what we know.

- I can kind of guess, honestly.

- Ally's got an ear for
that kinda thing, yeah.

Her ears are tingling.

- I'm just so turned on.

- Ally, it's a, we're at work!

- Anytime we get extra horny today,

we have to wiggle our ears.

Alright, we have Alfie, our main halfling,

kind of like hot teen halfling.

We have Melly, her naughty BFF.

You always gotta have one of those.

Yeah very
freckly, freckle-ridden.

- Mm-hmm and a redhead,

and redheads are always
extra naughty in books.

Don't you think?

- They go either way, right?

- It is true, it's like Madonna--

- They're either the perv.

- Anne of Green Gables or like.

- She was described as
like, or Alfie got mad

and was like, "that damned redhead!"

- Yes!

- That's so funny.

- Cause it was hard to tell
cause it was black and white,

so I wasn't quite sure.
- Yes, it's true.

- I thought her hair was gray.

- I forgot that

she had red hair.
- I feel like the most

annoying thing about some
people who are redheaded

is that they talk about how
they're the biggest minority.

You guys ever known someone like that?

- Ally, that is 100% true.

Isn't that insane

when people still say--
- I have had redheaded

people say that, how do you
fucking say that to somebody?

- I'm like, sure but
that's not the context

that we use the word minority right now.

- No, but I kind of, I totally
get it cause in my family,

I'm sort of the minority
cause I have red hair

and everyone else in my family
has strawberry blonde hair.

- I'm like, yeah, I bet
you've been arrested unjustly.

Yeah you know sometimes.

- Yeah I'm sure that's happened to you.

- So Melly, our minority in the book,

Marco, a human dude.

Jean, another human dude

who's kind of douchier,

is how we differentiate those two.

Marco is like our main dude,
Jean's his douchey friend.

Yeah, with a beard.

- Vera is Alfie's mom and
she's a leather worker.

Yeah uh oh.

- Mm.

Mm, spicy meatball.

- We should have had a leather expert.

- Well Tao isn't there something--

- Don't you dabble in both?

- I do a little bit of leather.

How much leather do you own?

- I own an entire cow's worth.

- Tao.
- Sorry that's

where they comes from.

In cows how many?

- One.

As an expert, he knows.

Wow, that's incredible.

- We have Derrik,

Alfie's father.
- Or is he?

- Vera's husband, oh.

And then we have,

how did we say we were gonna say his name?

I say Mr. Alduin.

- Alduin.
- Yes, Alduin.

- That feels right, Alduin.

- Like an Andouille sausage.

- A fancy gorgeous elf

that I can't wait to talk about.

And then maybe we'll get to Lydia.

She's a hottie with some armpit hair.

- She's the only woman of color.

- Yes.

What about Melly?

- Yeah sorry I forgot, they bind together.

- This is what we're talking about.

- This is oppression, this is erasure.

- Red is a color.

- Red is a color,

I have hair of color.
- I can't believe women--

- I share a pot trust with you.

- An Irish woman of color.

- Alright chapter one, oh.

- Sorry did you also say
Mrs. Farnham I think?

- Oh is that bee, the gossip?

- The gossip who has, who is a monster.

- Do you have a lot to say about her?

- I mean she was just a classic like man,

you have a sad life, and
you're just mad at everyone.

- The town gossip that's like,

really likes to rub
shit in people's faces.

- Alright, so yeah and her.

I didn't even remember her.

There's a lot of people.

- She's like if an internet troll,

it's like pre-internet.

She just was that like,

that presence.
- She's OK Magazine

or like Perez Hilton.

- She's the Perez Hilton of the square.

- Of Pickering.

- Alright chapter one.

We see Alfie is our first panel.

And she's so beautiful,

I think the way that women are drawn,

like everyone is very pretty.

It is little hard to
distinguish who's who.

Yes.

- But I do think that their faces

are very pretty and pleasing.

Alfie is looking through the woods

and we see a halfling in a barn

that she's looking at with a human man.

And panel two right away
they are going at it.

- They're yeah.

Dick's out on the table, proverbially.

- Yeah I love it, it gets right into like,

the meatier razz, you know?

- I feel like they read,

InCase read like a screen writing book,

or like you know like
Save the Cat or whatever,

and was like: start with the sex.

Yeah start
in the first 10 panels.

- You gotta look 'em in with the sex.

- Well you instantly
learn about Alfie too.

She's kind of like
intrigued but scared by it.

She like wants to look but she knows that

her friend is, we find out that

that's her friend, Melly, our redhead.

Yeah we kind of get a glimpse

and know all of their
characters instantly.

- It's like a no-no too
right, to like have,

to be hooking up with a human, elf--

- You would know yes, halfling effects.

- Yes, that will become like a quarterling

so I don't know what I think about that.

- Right yeah it's forbidden
in Pickering I guess,

for a halfling and a human to be together.

And what is it, it's a elven caravan

just visiting the village for
a temporary amount of time

and they're forbidden from
hooking up with the humans.

- Yes and forbidden from hook,

we have one rule and one rule only.

- No ass play with the humans.

- I really thought like:

oh maybe I'll be able to
read some of this in public,

like I'll at least get
to the first sex scene

and then like very first cell

I was like, okay, I gotta like

read this at home.

- I just had no time so
I had to read it at work.

And I was so, I think it kind of tainted

my enjoyment of reading the book

because it was so much
like trying to cover it up

and being nervous that our CEO

was gonna walk right behind me.

- Here's my two kids,

just bring them through work.
- Is that a gaping asshole?

- Here's a College Humor fan,
could you sign something?

And someone just like
busting in the mouth.

- Yeah.

- Yeah there's a, their
very graphic blowjob scene.

- Yes and it's much different to see it

than it is to read it.
- To read it, for sure.

Because you're getting all the visceral,

visceral imagery rather than the metaphor.

And we get a lot of metaphor
in erotica we've read.

- Yeah.

- But you're, really this is just a,

fucking giant dick in a mouth.

- Yeah right off the bat, I was just like:

okay, so he's twice her size.

Just like very hentai
style like giant dick

that you're like, okay that,

like physically that wouldn't fit, right?

- For sure.
- Yeah.

- It's just like okay.

- It's like when you were
reading the Harry Potter books,

and then now you're seeing
the Harry Potter books.

You're like--

- Tao, it's exactly like that.

- Yes.
- That's exactly like.

- It's like Dumbledore's giant
- You're like

that's what Hermione looks like?

- Giant dick, it's like Dumbledore

did not have that big of a dick.

- Yeah, and we know that now.

- I imagined him to have a normal.

- You know, you see the
dick you want to see

when you're reading it.

- It's true.

- And when I was reading,

I was like I thought this
dick had like blue eyes

and then you're like
watching him and you're like

oh my god it's got green eyes, okay.

Yeah, oh my god.

- He also, Jean says a phrase that I hate,

which he says: you could go toe to toe

with one of the best of
the mainland's whores.

There's a lot of that
kind of talk from Jean,

which immediately pegs
him as a shitty dude.

- Jean is for sure a shit head.

He also like kind of,

nudges, forces her into anal.

Yes.

- Like everything between them sees like,

it's a bit of forcing her

but then as you learn a bit
more about their relationship,

it seems like that's
what they get off on too.

A lot of the book is like,

yeah when you're first
hearing about relationships

and the way people are hooking up,

it's like: is this okay?

But it seems like they're figuring out

what they want and like,

or you realize that that is
things that get them off.

- Yeah and I guess in order for them to,

to say: oh this person's
figuring out what they like,

you have to be like: no
I don't want that, first.

But when you do that,
it makes it seem like:

ew, are they really like
made to do something

they don't want to do?

- No totally, yeah the
whole vibe was very like,

like, just like very predatory,

like first time hookup,

but you're like: that's real, that's been.

- For sure.

There's a whole power dynamic

cause it's like the,

the village where these halflings live,

is kind of like a shit hole or like,

it's like a backwater village,

and the caravan is like all like rich

and coming in and just like,

like they're,

the halflings want to sell
stuff to them, so this whole...

- Yeah and the halflings are always like:

oh I want this whole life outside of here,

in this world that I haven't seen.

Or at least like our main ones do.

And then yeah it's kind of like,

these rich people come along

and you just don't want them

to take advantage of these people.

- Yeah it made me think
of like in high school

if like, there was like one friend of mine

who would hook up with like bands

that were nearby,

it's just very like tour life,

like don't get attached.

Oh the humans
are the bands, yeah.

- I'm only here for one night.

- Yeah.

- Exactly, yeah and that
that's in here too of like.

- Yeah fully.

- Yeah don't get attached to me,

I'm not your boyfriend.

- And then you think you're
gonna like marry that person,

like go on the road with them.

- Even in the year 1147, all
the dynamics are the same.

- Although Alfie does have a
great response to that later.

She's like: I don't give a shit.

Like yeah, I don't think that
we're gonna hook up forever.

So I think the women are

top of intelligence here.

So they do it, there's also,

we see it for the first
time in this first sex scene

but it happens throughout.

And something that I
was truly mesmerized by,

you see the inner workings
of the penetration.

So it's almost like a doctor like--

Like a diagram.

- The penis inside of the vagina

and then a little squirt
of cum at the top.

- Like you're watching a commercial

for Antacid or something.

And it's like, shows what it looks like

when it goes down.

- But at the same time,

someone's like eating, eating it,

that you can see like the x-ray of their,

you know, eating the Antacid.

- Yeah, the particular cell

of when she was sitting on
like that person's face,

where it's just like only the mouth.

And then her tongue, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Oh that's cool.

Yeah I liked that.

- That's the thing, does it feel,

does it feel erotic or
does it just feel like art?

- Wow that's deep, you know?

What is eroticism and art?

- Right.
- Yeah.

I was like I'm not looking at this,

there's nothing about this
that is making me like,

horny at all, but it is
very interesting to look at,

and something that I've
never thought about.

And something, it's like,

what brain does enjoy this?

Is there someone who's like:

oh god I love seeing it inside,

this is so great.

- I do think it's cool,

cause it is like a,

you can only see this
in like a graphic novel.

- Yes, you're using the medium.

- You're using, fully using the medium.

And it's like these two images

on top of each other like that.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Totally.

- Hot.

Hot.

- So they finish, Jean and Melly.

And then we realize that as the halfling,

halfling is watching on,

there's a human next to her
that she kind of gets scared by.

And this is Marco.

So we're in chapter two now,

Marco is, or maybe this
is in chapter two, sorry.

Ish, chapter two.

- Chapter two-ish.

- There was a chapter 1.5 in there.

- Oh yes.

- Chapter 1.5.

- You're like, we're only
reading five chapters,

and I finished chapter one and went to 1.5

and I was like: fuck.

- And then 1.75.

- She's scared by this dude,

the dude kind of gives her
vibes like: oh hey cutie.

But then the two halflings run off

and we find out about,
they're in the caravan

and this and that.

Yes.

- We go back into town,

Alfie goes and meets this older woman

who's working on leather.

And we find out that this is her mom.

Vera.

- Vera and Vera's like
very tough, no nonsense.

Where have you been,
what have you been doing?

Get your head out of the clouds.

Alfie doesn't wanna get married,

and it seems like Vera's okay with that.

But she's like: if you're not
married, then you gotta work.

And everybody else in the town is like:

you need to be married.

I think she's 21.

Yes.

- Yeah.
- So old as shit.

- So she's old as shit.
- An old maid.

- But I don't know how,

how long do halflings
live, maybe that is old?

- Halflings live half as long as humans.

- Wow.
- Yes, right there.

Oh wow, from
the mouth of an expert.

That explains,

that must be why they're called halflings.

- So yeah, so middle age, right?

Like 20, if you live
80, they're living 40.

So she's right in the middle.

- So she's like radiation Half Life stuff.

- Yes just like Half Life.

- Cause then their kid
will live like a quarter.

- Yeah a quarterling
will live til about 20

and then they will die.

- So it's technically not marrying--

- In the middle of a brisk walk.

- Yeah very, you're very
healthy the entire time.

- Yes humans are in the village,

and so Vera

has, is working, Alfie goes
off, does her own thing.

And then this elf comes and visits Vera.

And this elf is so hot.

I'm sorry, is nobody else into this elf?

- Oh I'm so, oh god.

- Yes.

- Top to bottom honey.

- I think once he,

I got a little more into him.

At first glance, I'm like meh.

Oh he had me at hello.

- Wow.

- I loved him.

He looks like Daenerys Targaryen,

but just like thin, long, and lean.

Oh yeah.

- Oh he's so hot.

He has very beautiful eyelashes.

- He's gorgeous.

- He has like an androge thing going on,

which I appreciate.

- For sure.
- Yeah.

- He's yeah, he's like the David Bowie.

- Well yeah that was my question,

cause I'm like later in the book,

are we gonna find out they're trans?

I'm just like, this
person has so much going.

My favorite part about it is

the like watching the
patriarchy melt off of her

as she interacts with this person.

- She's like: you're
a man but you're soft.

You know and it's just like

her own fucking internalized
misogyny encountering it.

- I love.
- I agree.

That's why, I liked that
character better in that scene,

when I was like: oh you're cool.

- Vera is awesome and
when you hear the things

that she had been through before

and then you see like
how Vera was treated,

how that affects her.

Like her mother calling her:

oh you'll just end up being a whore.

So it was like, she almost
had to be anything but.

She couldn't experience anything sexual.

And then she was trying
to protect her daughter,

and almost in the same way

that it sounded like her mother did,

but then that was like
stinting her daughter as well.

I loved this mother-daughter relationship.

- Yeah.

- I was super into this story.

- During it I was like: is
this an immigrant story?

- Oh my god Alfie is an immigrant story.

- It really looks so.

- So that like, that blowjob
scene is sort of like when,

like at Ellis Island.

- Yes you know, you come over.

- Change your name.

- What is your last name?

- Thompson.

- Please blow me, what is your last name?

- One thing that did
happen is in chapter two,

when we meet Vera, she's
like trying to sell

like I think shoes to a human.

The human's like: what are these?

Like these shoes are way too small.

It was like, I'm a halfling, of course.

But when they were selling shoes,

cause I still didn't really know

what world we were in up to this point,

and I was like, are these Christmas elves?

- Aw.

- Are we in like Christmas world?

- Will you buy a jack-in-the-box from me?

- Open and Santa comes out, rock hard.

- Ew.

- Cause later on there
is just like an image,

that's just like a sexy image

and not like part of the story at all.

- Oh and it is.

- That was the most shocking thing.

I was like what the fuck.

- It was pretty shocking.

- It was just Alfie?

- Cause this person is
like uploading art I guess.

- In between.

- And we just come in and see all of it.

But yeah they, in case
uploaded like a yeah,

Christmas elf?

- I think it was during a Christmas break,

- Oh I see.

- When they didn't have
time to keep working

on the story, so they were just like:

here's just a Christmas picture of Alfie.

- Tao pointed out that
these first five chapters

were in, over the course of five years.

- Five years, it's like the
first page is like November 2010

and the last page of chapter
five is like December 2015.

- Wow.

- I think the panels are truly beautiful.

I've read some graphic novels,
so I'm somewhat familiar.

I think like the light
on them is beautiful.

It is a little hard for me to get over

how big the titties are,

cause that is just so out
of this world bonkers big.

But I know in that
world, that is the style.

So I try to get over that a bit.

But it is very jarring.

- Huge boobs, huge dicks,
everything is like,

you know like, that kinda
hero angle for every dick.

It's just like ta-da, you know?

- That's so funny.

- Like a Orson Well, like in Citizen Kane.

- Really, yes.

But you know what I did
like, and I was shocked by.

I feel like you never see
flaccid dicks in these

and they had a few of those.

- They had a few.

- And it was like, I mean
they were still giant,

it was like: well,
we're getting there but.

- It was so interesting how it was able to

do this balance of like very grotesque,

out of this world like,
saliva and cum everywhere

and giant tits, but then
also be very romantic.

Like I could feel romance
between characters.

Like one panel, the
flaccid penis reminded me

when they were like in a little haystack

and they're just cuddling.

And she's touching his flaccid penis

and has like her head on his shoulder.

And I was like: this
is cute as fuck, right?

Like this nice little post-coital moment.

- Yes.

- So the elf comes and is like:

I want you to make this
little thing for me.

Discretion is key.

And Vera is kind of like:
yeah sure, whatever.

She makes it, brings it to his
tent, it's a pair of cuffs.

And the elf says: okay, well
I want you to put them on me.

And she's like: what is going on?

You're sick, you're a
freak, you're a perv.

- Vera's got extremely strong and very

close-minded opinions
about almost everything.

- Yeah.
- Yes totally.

- She's kind of a cultural thing.

- Yeah she's been hardened
by being an immigrant

to this--

- Shut up Tao.

- I'm just saying.

You know, I don't say it
but I see my mom in Vera.

- No.

- No, oh no.

- I saw some of my mom in Vera.

Because like her life is,

like she's so over protective,

and it's all about like
taking care of your kid,

and she's not taking time
for her own sexuality.

- Yeah and then you find out later,

her husband took time
for his own sexuality.

And so it's like, oh this is her time.

- Yeah did we all see our moms in Vera?

- Have sex with David Bowie.

Yeah.

- You know what, I feel
like everyone in this comic

looked like Amy Winehouse.

- Yes.
- Oh my god, you're right.

- I was just like, another Amy Winehouse.

- Yes Vera looked exactly
like Amy Winehouse.

- And then it was like:
oh younger Amy Winehouse.

Oh Amy Winehouse with different hair.

- Oh blonde Amy Winehouse.

- I wonder if this was
made at Winehouse height,

at the height of Winehouse.

- Winehouse height, everyone's
looking at me like I know.

- Aren't you our Amy
Winehouse expert as well?

- I am, I do know that one song.

What was the name?

Why don't you sing it?

- Oh beautiful.

- Oh alright, Tao knows
it, he proved some.

So she, he's kind of doing,

he wants to be cuffed behind his back.

She slowly agrees to things
that he's asking for.

And he realized she's slowly
getting more and more into it.

And he wants to be degraded

like the disgusting fucking
piece of shit that he is.

Oh baby.

- That's so fascinating to
me when people like that.

- His ears, he wants to hear nasty shit.

- Yeah as an ear expert, I will say.

Yeah he would be using his
ears to hear nasty shit.

- Interesting and thank you
for the valuable perspective.

Uh-huh yum.

My studies have concluded.

Yeah my favorite part is
when he's like: go get lube.

And then she's like:
there's a dildo in here.

Oh I thought he was a man, is he a man?

You know, it's like,
literally like take a breath,

and have fun.

- Chill the fuck out.
- Jesus Christ.

- He's so chill about it too,

like he loves everything
that comes his way,

and then at one point,
when it's questioned,

he's like: yeah, I'm an elf.

I live forever, I'm gonna do
a little bit of everything.

I'm just having some fun.

Like let's not label things,
let's just chill out.

- You know what got annoying to me,

is like all the fucking like watch men.

Outside?

- Like every time someone was
having sex, there was like:

my bro on watch.
- Somebody outside.

- You know what--

And then you hear like their
little inner monologue.

Is that okay, fucker, you
know it's like, oh gross.

Why is like sexuality like a
group activity for so many men?

Totally.

Just like: my bro's in there.

- There is like voyeurism
across the board though.

- Yeah.

- There's always,

even times when you don't
know that someone's watching,

you later discover that someone

has been watching and listening.

- I get, but I feel like voyeurism,

especially like when the book starts,

she's like kind of like peeking,

and I'm like: that's cute.

But this kind of like watch bro

brings violence into it.
- Comic relief.

- Just like a guy who's like on guard:

like if anything goes down,

I'll go in there and beat
the shit out of someone.

- Or some like weird.

Cause like the way she's
watching her friend is like:

what is this?

Whereas the way the bros
sort of watch it, is like:

nice dude, fuck her hard.

- Yeah yeah exactly.

- Well they do it, he cums all over.

Sorry, she cums all over his face.

She sits on him, right, in this.

- Oh and I believe this is
our first sit on the face.

- Which I like.
- Which is insane.

Oh I love it.

- I loved it, she's bothered right down.

- I'm a fan.

- It was hot, it was hot.

- She sits the fuck on his face.

- And then she wiggles her little butt,

and then you see the wiggle motions

throughout the panels and I
was like: this is so cute.

- And he eats the shit out of her.

- Yeah.

- He's incredible, he's a hero.

- He's a hero, she cums
all over his face and...

- As she goes home.
- Cums all over

the hero's face.

- Vera goes home, she's
a little conflicted

about what's happened.

She knows that she likes it,

but she's also known that
she's done something wrong.

She's cheated on her husband.

Yes.

Right.

- We see a scene with her husband.

And when we meet him kind of earlier on,

he's like: oh I'm goin
fishing, oh I'm doing this.

You can kind of tell they
have a distant relationship.

They haven't done anything in a while,

there's a disconnect there.

It's slowly revealed, as we mentioned,

well through a flashback, that he is gay.

Yeah.

- Yeah and so that
there's really never been

that connection there.

Right.

- They have a classic
like parents fighting

at the breakfast table

of like: you went fishing,

well you haven't caught
fish in five years.

- Yeah.

- That's bad honestly.
- Or he's bi.

- Or what?

- He might just be bi.
- Yeah.

- And like going out there but,

yeah I like, their whole thing of like

just like tired and meh.

Like I could totally see that,

like an old relationship

that's just kind of like
reached friend zone.

Totally.

- Yeah I think I got the
vibe that he was gay,

cause it did, it felt like
they were more friends.

But maybe it's just yeah,
that their relationship has--

- I think they said that, of like:

can we be friends again?
- Yes, yes.

- I think.
- Oh yeah.

- And just felt like the caring that had,

I think he maybe feels guilt
about what he's doing as well

but he's just like, this
is kind of the way it is.

- Yes.
- That was really--

- Yeah super Brokeback Mountain.

- Yeah.

- Like going on a trip with a friend.

- Yeah.

- Right and it does feel nice in that,

there wasn't like they
were mean to each other.

Like it seems like they do appreciate

their life that they have,

and it's not like they're like

throwing dishes at each other or whatever.

He's not like shitty or abusive
or just like a cheating.

I mean he is cheating but.

- Everyone's frustrated and
nobody's talking about it,

cause no one can be open
about their sexuality.

Everyone is living these
lives of quiet desperation

- Totally.

- The immigrant story.
- The immigrant story.

- And then once off the boat.

- After Ellis Island.

- Off the boat and onto my knees.

- You'll hide your sexuality immediately.

- So the next chapter, Alfie goes,

is kind of tricked into
going on a date with Marco

by her friend Melly.

- Yeah.

- Right?

And Marco like, it's.

There's some sexual tension in this scene,

I liked it.
- Absolutely.

- I liked it, he's showing off his sword.

- Oh yes, oh there's a great line in here.

Cause he's like rich and he says,

he's like showing off his
sword to Alfie and he says:

rich old men who don't need swords.

compete to have the best ones.

And I'm like: this is a great line.

- Yeah right?

A lot of good lines in it.

- This is good commentary.
- Yeah.

- And she, she's not so much,

cause she does have that sexy outfit on

underneath her clothes,
Like she's a little shy--

- But she's cloaked up.

- About Allen yeah.

Yes, yes.

- And underneath you kind of
get like that little like,

cup runneth over like.

- Yes, oh I didn't even mention.

So we talked about the
boobs briefly for a second.

But I did, I kind of, I drew one,

because the boobs are sort of these like

very long gigantic sort
of things in this book.

And I liked them, but I
didn't like the nipples.

And I know we'll get
to that a little later,

like maybe, I mean but like
Vera's scene is maybe one of,

no Melly's scene in the beginning,

is first time you see nipples.

I didn't like the nipples.

- That looks like a chicken cutlet.

- That looks delicious.

- Thank you.

- That looks delicious.

- That looks like a--
- Throw it up.

- I'm a vegetarian so

I don't really see it but.

- Like they were just too pale.

- They were really pale,

it looked a little like,

like I don't know, not
childish but like strange.

- Right.

- It looked yeah.

- I did enjoy that
everyone had pubic hair.

I love that.

- Me too, except for Alduin.

- Oh that's right.

- And it was like, you're so smooth.

And it was like, yeah bitch wake up.

- That's the way I like it.
- Yes.

- All signs point to fem.

- But as someone with darker nipples,

it was hard to see my own.

- Yes, yes.

Yeah representation does matter,

I guess is what Tao and
I are sort of saying.

- Yes, maybe this isn't
an immigrant story.

- Yeah I just didn't relate
to the nipples in this.

That's kind of where I'm going with that.

- I didn't even notice, that's
my white privilege talking

right now.

- And that's privilege.

I noticed those nipples and
I was like: get out of here.

- Damn.

For me it's just another day in the car.

- Glaring white privilege.

- As a redheaded woman I noticed.

- Redheaded woman.

Yes, so she meets him,

at like the cool top of this castle.

They're having a little bit of wine.

It's kinda cute cause he
keeps trying to like show off.

But then like what he's
showing off isn't real,

which is cute.

And she's like--

- Oh I fought a dragon,

well it was kinda like a big dog but.

- This is what my friend said anyway.

That's my friend's story.

- Yeah, and she's so rude to him,

like in a good way.

- Yeah you see a bit
of her mom coming out.

- Yeah.
- Oh yeah.

- Yeah she's like her mom in many ways.

That's why I like this
mother-daughter story.

- And they talk all day,

there's a panel of like the
sun going all the way down.

- Yeah, damn.

- Yeah.

- And then of course, yeah,
they don't talk all day,

cause they talk maybe half the day

and then they make love.
- All day.

- The other half of the day.

Yes.

- And this is just a nice,
cute little sex scene.

As nice and cute as just these--

- These very graphic heaving body parts.

- Right, there was lot of communications

like wants and needs.

- I thought it was hot.

- I thought it was fine,

they was still like a level
of like: let me teach you.

Yes, 100%.

- Just push yourself a
little bit further baby.

100%.

- You know and it was like:
Jesus, like calm down, you know?

- Or any time where it's like:

oh the penis isn't all the way in yet.

I'm like, alright we get it.

- Shut the fuck up, you're gonna kill her.

She's a halfling.

- This is true, this is
where the perspective

of like those different sizes are really,

it's kind of.

- Halfling bodies are like
Escher paintings, it's like.

- You can draw them however big you want.

- Yeah.

- All I know is Peter Jackson

would not have allowed
this on Lord of the Rings,

he would've been very strict about size.

- Okay listen, how big is her vagina?

We need to keep this consistent,

just give me a number and I'll keep it,

the same the whole, the whole way through.

- Oh it's also revealed
that Marco works for,

Alduin is the main elf kind
of heading the caravan,

everybody works for him.

And then Marco and Jean are his employees.

So that's why they're there in town.

And there's always this thing of like:

oh we might be leaving
soon, so that's another.

- And it's her mom keeping
them there, pretty much.

- Yes.

- Oh it's a tangled web, oui oui.

- Alduin gives her more things to make,

which we're never quite sure
until we see them in action,

what it's going to be.

- Love that part.

- Yeah, and then we could
kind of get to that part.

So she goes home, she gets in
a little trouble with her mom,

but still there's like this,

I love these mother-daughter scenes.

They like won't,

the mom is so nervous
about lashing out at her

or showing her true like caring so much,

like: where have you
been, what are you doing?

She doesn't wanna push her away.

But Alfie kind of wants her to ask,

cause she kind of wants to talk about sex

and know like, is this
okay what I'm doing?

And by not talking, they're like

driving themselves further away.

- Even though they're
doing such similar things.

- Exactly.
- Yeah it's beautiful.

- It's very heartbreaking.

- And Alfie even snaps
at her mom in this scene

because Vera,
well-intentionally says like:

you need to figure out what your future is

so you don't have so few options.

And then Alfie snaps, like you.

Damn.

- This part literally
did make me choke up.

- Aww.

- None of you?

- No Tao, I'm fucking strong.

- Okay.

- No it's very, it is nice.

It is a nice moment.
- Yeah yeah.

- I was just shocked, I was like:

I didn't expect to feel
this while reading.

- Aww.

- A different kind of hot.
- All around you.

- A different kind of hot.

- The hotness moved from
my ears straight to--

- Oh don't mention them.

- Yes.

And Vera's like: I can't even just

deal with this right now,

I gotta bring my next little
project over to Alduin.

So she brings it over and it's
this face mask that he wears.

- Like a ball, like a gag.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Full like leather gag bar.

- But it has like kind of a visor too.

- Yeah it looks like--
- You can see inside.

- Honestly it looked like
old people sunglasses.

Oh it's like when
you get your eyes dilated

at the doctor's office.

- It looked kinda Daft Punk,

and I'm just like what?

It was actually Deadmau5.

- It was kinda one of those like,

old timey like, when you,

when someone like is gonna
walk to the bottom of a lake,

in those like big suits,
those metal suits,

with like the hole in
the middle for sight.

Yes.

- What are you talking about?

- You know in old-timey like,

it's just someone's wearing
like a fully metal body suit

and they can like walk
to the bottom of a lake.

- Like in Scooby-Doo, they
always catch the person

in that like weird getup.
- Oh I see.

- And there's a hose attached for air.

- Like in Scooby-Doo,

everyone always has
like a leather bite bar.

You know just like, pumping them down.

- Okay so once you said that, I'm like:

I remember Shaggy.

- Yeah, Scooby-Doo.

- Yeah I remember Scrappy too, okay?

- And then I believe this is the first

time that Vera uses the dildo on Alduin,

so she makes like the choice.

She kind of has him lying down.

Yes.

That's hot.

- This was hot, this was where that like,

of that acid reflex diagram
thing worked for me too

because he's lying on her lap,

and you see that like

she's pleasuring him and
kind of doing this like

sex work for him and his pleasure,

but then she's like: wait a
minute, I'm getting turned on

because his dick is between her thighs.

And we see this sort of
cross section diagram

and she is getting very turned on by that.

- Yes, there was one panel that
was like confusing at first,

and I had to like think about
what angle am I looking at?

And it's like looking from below her,

but we see through her legs,

and see like the penis coming down?

- It was like a glass table.

- It was a glass--
- Glass bottom buttock.

What?

- Right?
- Yes.

- We talked about that.

- I know we talked about it,

I've already forgotten what it is.

- It's when you.

Okay guys, again, refresher.

It is when you poop on a glass table,

and a person is underneath the glass table

masturbating to it.

- I'm so embarrassed because I did that

and I was like: I want
to call this something

but I just don't know what.

I know, it's on the tip of my tongue.

- Jessica, our immigrant
forefathers have the same issue.

- My immigrant forefather.

- Yeah.

- Oh that's right, so
he jizzes all over her,

just a kind of like, a little taste of it.

And then she tells him to lick it.

- She's like you gotta clean this.

Cause they have a dom
like sort of relationship.

Totally.

- And she's like: clean
this up, don't miss a spot.

- I loved how, I feel like
their dildo was glass.

- It looked like glass.
- Right?

- You've gotta be careful.

- That seems scary.

- No that's a normal thing.

- But like it looked, sorry,

it looked hollow, that's what I was like.

Cause that's why I didn't quite know

what it was the first time I looked at it.

- Oh scary.

- That's what, I mean if it breaks.

- A wine glass.

- Yeah cause it didn't look
solid so that's why, it's like.

- Although if anyone would
like it, it's Alduin.

- Don't worry my ass
could never break this.

- I'm so delicate.
- My ass is also

quite delicate.

- I had an embarrassing
moment during this scene

cause I was reading this at the same time,

I was reading it with my girlfriend at,

we were reading it on
like computers separately.

And we were at the same place,

and then she,

I think Vera comments
like: it tastes so bitter.

And I was like, I never,

I was like: does cum taste bitter?

And she was like: yes of course.

- No way and that was your
first time hearing that?

- I mean I knew obviously
it doesn't taste great

but I don't know why I never thought

like bitter as the main.

- I've never thought bitter.
- I've never thought bitter.

- Okay so great, great, vindicated.

- What else tastes bitter, a lemon?

- That's sour.
- What does bitter taste like?

- Bitter is like

god, coffee?
- Coffee.

- Coffee, I like coffee.

- Yeah there are good bitters,

this is a different kind of bitter.

- Like what's another bitter thing.

- Bitters.

- Bitters, sort of like orange bitters

on like some seltzer.

- I don't know if I've ever
tasted anything bitter.

- I just know chemically--

- A grapefruit.

A grapefuit's bitter.

- Oh, I don't, I think it
makes you make a face like that

like oh, but I don't know

if it actually tastes bitter.
- That's kind of sour.

- Well you know what is interesting,

I want to know what goes into the flavor

because I have been with
women who are on estrogen,

and their cum doesn't taste bitter.

I feel like every man
I've interacted with,

I've been like yeah not
for me just based on taste.

And then with the presence of
like estrogen in your body,

like all chemicals changed.

- Interesting.

- I feel like.

So I wonder what that is.

- Yeah I don't, yeah I don't,

bitter is not the first thing
that would come to mind.

- Interesting.

- What's the first thing
that would come to your mind?

- Like fucking ass.

- Ass?

- Yes that would be a more
accurate line in this right?

- Yeah.

- That's so funny.
- Salty, sweet,

sour, bitter, ass.

- Umami and ass.

- The sixth essence.

- I just, I feel like you could
give me a blind taste test,

I'm like--

- Like the Coke Pepsi challenge.

- And I would be like: male,
female, not so binary but like,

but just like yeah.

- Yeah that's kind of a--

- That's the new Pepsi challenge.

Everybody at home, do
the new Pepsi challenge.

- And you just use glass.

- Glug glug glug.

- Hold her up against the world,

but in everybody.

- Everybody drink different cum.

- Feminine, masculine.

- And determine yeah, where
on the spectrum it lies.

- I just feel like I can
taste toxic masculinity

and when that is in--

- That's bitter.
- Maybe when that's absent

- That's bitter.
- From the body I'm like:

oh delicious.

- That's bitter.

- That's bitter oh my god.

Oh yeah so that's something I experienced.

- That's so funny.
- That's so funny.

- This interaction and she
has one more thing to make

before they kinda hit the road.

Marco and Alfie keep
their relationship going

although they're not quite
sure where it's gonna go

cause they might leave as well.

And they have like a
little montage of just like

doing it all over town and having a blast

- Yes and there's like a montage of like,

where Alfie is like doing her day to day,

like just shopping or
buying stuff or whatever.

And seems like she's
thinking about the sex.

- Yes she is.

- I did love that, they even do that

in the very first chapter

after she watches her friend
Melly and the other guy.

It's kind of like dark all around her

and she's just like daydreaming

about these hands coming
and like grabbing her.

And then there's like
more hands and more hands,

like she's fantasizing about
this orgy that's happening.

- That feels very real.

You're just like in the middle of like

literally shopping with
your mom for like a holiday,

a very like chaste, humble holiday,

and then you're like: oh
yeah someone grabbing me,

around my ass.

- Which, very real.

- When you first meet somebody,

you just think about
them like all the time.

- Yeah.

- I loved that.

We find out that there is a festival

about to happen in town,

that everyone's kind of getting ready for.

- Capalla.

- And the non-halflings are
not invited to this I think,

and they're having their own thing.

- Yeah.

- Which is so like,

oh yeah we'll have our own holiday.

- Yeah, took the Christ out of Capalla.

- Yeah.

- They do tell them you have
to be like five feet or over

in order to come to ours.

- Oh my god that's so mean, Jesus.

- Immigrant story.

- Immigrant story, like a rollercoaster.

- No, yeah like a rollercoaster
or an immigrant story,

one of the two.

- And so then Alfie and her mother

still have like this tension between them.

They're still unable to
talk about what's going on,

what's happening in their lives.

Even Derrik's kind of reaching out like:

hey is everything okay?

You don't seem like yourself.

And Vera just won't speak to him.

- Yeah they get in that little fight

where we see the flashback.

- That maybe he is like
closeted at the moment.

- This is when Mrs. Farn--

or no people are just talk,

gossiping about Vera.
- Yes about Vera.

- Talking shit.

- Pretty harsh gossip.

- Very harsh gossip and
Vera's about to like hit 'em.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- But then Derrik like holds her back,

and it's like: oh this
is like a wonderful,

this is like a nice moment
in this relationship.

- I love when my partners hold me back

from really beating the
shit out of someone.

- Yeah this felt real
too because he was like:

people talk all the time
and it never gets to you,

which is so cheater's brain,

where you're like: why would you think

I would hang out with that person?

They're like: wow you're overreacting,

which makes me think like
something is going on.

- Right, right, yeah.

Damn.

- Damn.
- Damn.

- We also get a little glimpse of,

we only read the first five chapters

so we're not quite sure
what comes of her but Lydia.

Woman of color.

- The hot chick with armpit hair.

Do we see her nipples?

- No she's in like a tank top

but she's like just chilling.

- And she had, I appreciated
seeing armpit hair,

there is something, you know okay,

you have so many female characters

and then the first person
is a woman of color.

There's something going on
there that I don't like.

But it's fine.

You didn't like her.

- No I liked her.

But why does
she have to be the one

with armpit hair?

- And there's absolutely
nothing wrong with body hair,

but that is a thing in
like women of color.

It's like: oh yeah of course
you can see all my body hair

cause it's black okay?

You have blonde body hair,
you can go fuck itself.

- And it's also like, of
course she's like tough, right?

She's gotta be a tough woman.

- Like she doesn't get the
same delicate treatment

and there's absolutely nothing wrong

with her being more masc or whatever,

that's wonderful and I very
much like what I see of Lydia.

But this just, there's things,

there's deep things going on.

- This kind of like Amazon treatment

of like--
- Yes.

- God, you know?

I didn't even
think of that, yeah.

- Hey this is,

I'm just living in a.

I'm just a redheaded
woman living in the world.

But yeah we see her kind of giving

like a little armpit noogie to Marco.

And then Alfie and Marco go have sex

and Jean is listening and being like:

yeah my.

- Jean sucks, Jean is styze.

- I truly hope he dies
in the funniest way.

- Do you think people die in this world?

- I don't know.

- I hope so.

- How would you like Jean to die?

- Oh like falling off one of
those big giant clock towers,

or towers and then to like a spike.

- Like his dick perfectly
falls into a spike.

- Yeah dick first.

- Yeah urethra right through the spike.

- Good god, like sounding.

- Yeah what?

- It's like where you put like
a thing in your dick hole.

- Oh yeah, just like that.

- Oh didn't know it was called sounding.

- It sounds really painful.

I want him to trip and fall and get a cut

really embarrassingly and
then the cut gets infected

and he dies.

- So slow.

- So something embarrassing.

- How he might die in a world like this,

where there's no modern medicine.

- I wanted his dick to like

fall into a honey beehive or something.

- Yeah.

Fall in.

- Like pooh bear's around the forest,

like he just has a
t-shirt and no pants on.

- Oh my god.

- And then it's erect
and it just goes boing.

- I want it to get like
caught in a fan or something.

- Ew there's no fans in this world.

- Sorry.

- I mean if we're playing this game.

- Maybe though, maybe a wheel.

- The human-powered fan.

- Maybe it's a wheel, it
gets caught in a wheel.

Oh like a wagon wheel.

- Yeah a wagon wheel.

So he's like getting his
condoms from the local wagon.

And his dick is out and
then the wagon's like:

alright see you later, Jean.

And then as it's going away,

his dick gets wrapped around the spoke.

He's like whoa whoa whoa.

- And it just keeps going and going.

- For like miles and miles,

and the guys's got whatever
the culotte of headphones is.

- He's got Beats on.
- Yeah he's got Beats.

- He's got wireless Beats.

- So he can't hear.

- I'm going all the way
across the continent.

- Through the Oregon trail.

- Yeah it's like a Mr.
Bean type way to die.

- Oh my god, oh my god.

- Fuck Jean, anyway.

- Fuck Jean.

- How does this chapter end?

Oh Vera brings,

I always forget his name even
as we're talking about it,

Alduin, his one last gift, it's a corset,

and then we see him in
corset and high heels.

And this is when he kinda
has this moment of like:

I do whatever the fuck I want,

I don't give any shits.
- Which is great.

- There's a great line in
here that's Vera saying,

like thinking about Alduin:

it must be nice being rich and crazy.

Oh that's so funny.

- It's very true.

- But also I'm kind of like,

in this time it probably took
a certain amount of affluence

to like express your gender in this way.

Totally.

- You know what I mean, like?

Good point.

- It's like, oh must be
nice to be rich and crazy.

It's like, this is like a normal person.

It's your like crazy blinders

that think all this is insane.

- Yeah.

- Something else I liked that Alduin said,

I didn't like it but I also
just wrote it down, rather.

He says, "Vera is a tiny old woman,

"who always looks like she
just smelled goat shit".

- Wow sweet nothings.

- That's why she reminds me of my mom.

- My mom.

- Wait this is, oh sorry.

- No that's what your
mom says to your dad.

- Yeah.

- Sorry Ally, what were you gonna say?

- Wait this is the chapter where

she fantasizes about her
friend during sex, right?

She fully dissociates.

- So this is a weird like double date

where Alfie and Marco go
on kind of a double date

with Melly and Jean.

And Jean and Melly are like:

we're gonna show you how it's done.

And they start literally fucking

in front of Alfie and Marco.

And then Alfie is like,
oh no and she like,

is getting really turned on.

But she grabs Marco, and is like:

I can't do it in front of them.

And so then they start
to have sex in the woods.

And she fantasizes about Melly,

which I loved.

I think that is so real.

- What would you do if your friends

just started doing it in front of you?

- Am I also, so if I was Alfie?

- If you were Alfie, yeah.

It doesn't have to be real
life, your real friends.

- This feels like a Grant everyday.

- Grant is the Melly of this world.

- Grant is the Melly of this story.

- Oh my god how beautiful.

- How beautiful.

- That's so nice.

- Grant is a minority I
would say, yeah right?

- Yeah Irish.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah so oh and then

this scene,

so we're kinda cutting back between

Alfie and Marco fucking which I liked,

and this like scene where
she's fantasizing about Melly.

And Vera and Alduin,

the shot that stood out to me so most,

or the picture was they were looking

in the mirror and Alduin
came all over the mirror.

So they see their reflection
through the translucence of cum

on a mirror.

- Yes which is beautifully drawn, I'd say.

That's a technically a hard thing to draw.

- You know the reflection song in Mulan?

- She's like wiping away the--

When will my reflection.
- Wiping away the cum.

- Yeah and it's like getting foggier

cause it's so thick and viscous.

- Just spreading.

- Yeah there's no way
that's coming off easy,

cause they don't have Windex or anything.

- No.

- Or Goo Gone.

- That mirror.

- You need Goo Gone.

- Goo gun?

- I'm literally reading so much.

- I don't know what goo gun is,

it just sounds like a dirty word for cum.

- No Goo Gone is when you use,

when like, if you have like
a sticker on this table

and you take it off,
there's like goo here.

- It's like for really
intense sticky messes.

- Oh it's Goo Gone, like the goo gone.

Okay got it.

- It's Goo Gone.

- You could also just use rubbing alcohol.

It's Goo Gone.

- This episode sponsored by Goo Gone.

- I have so much goo all over
my house, I need it gone.

- Oh my god that jizz scene yeah.

- Yeah the jizz, the like,

the traveling of the jizz in these.

- Sisterhood of the traveling.

- Just kind of like.

- Sisterhood of the traveling jizz.

- Wow my jizz fits my
friend, fits my other friend,

and it fits Blake Lively.

- It fits Blake Lively.

- So both of them end their sex scenes.

Vera is feeling like: this
is just me, this is who I am,

I've never felt this alive and good.

And I've been like holding this back

and repressing this all this time.

Then they go into the town,

kind of everyone's getting
ready for the festival.

But it's discovered that

there is a pervert amongst everyone.

Everyone in the streets is
shouting: pervert, pervert.

Ignatius Barns.

- All the parties that
we've been talking about,

are nervous that they're
talking about them

since this is not allowed.

But we open up the caravan
curtains and see that

it's a human woman with a halfling man.

- Yes.

- Getting it from behind.
- Yes.

- And this part confused me
cause they open the curtains

and it was a panel where he was,

the halfling was having
sex with the human woman.

So did they catch him in the act?

- I think that was like a
retelling, that's what I think.

- Oh I see.

- Because I don't think,
I think that's crazy that:

okay everyone shh.

- Everyone gather, gather the--

- We put up a curtain, be quiet about,

we wanna really catch him.

- Right, I was like:

did they make a statue of this moment?

- They have excellent carpenters, yeah.

- This is the worst thing
our town has ever seen.

We made a statue of it so
it doesn't happen again.

- Which kind of is like
how this is working.

It's like a big public shaming.

Here's the thing we
never wanna think about.

Everyone, gather as we all discuss it.

- Yeah totally.

Not to go back too far but when,

so Alduin,

no sorry Vera and Alfie are having sex

supposedly at the same time,

I was like, I wonder if I've ever had sex

at the same time my mom has.

Yeah.

Beautiful.

Do you think it's like twins?

- Really, you made me think about my mom?

You'd be able to like sense.

- You're just, you're
never know, you know?

It's just, it's like we're
looking at the same moon.

- Aw.

You're getting fucked under the same moon.

- Oh that's beautiful, that's great wow.

- As your mom.

- Oh you know what else?
- But it's just like

that's poetic.

- You know what else we didn't talk about?

Anytime they were horny,
their eyes would go

into these like little
spirals of like whoa.

Goo goo goo goo.

- That's like classic.

- You knew it was horny time.
- Like Pokemon.

- Yeah.

- It's like in.
- When you're dazed.

- What's that game, the one
where you get like an apple

and you exchange it for like a fish.

- Like Animal Crossing?

- Yeah, it's like Animal Crossing when

when she like,

what is she,

she'll like see a fruit
tart, and she'll be like oh.

- She was wanting for that fruit tart.

- Yeah you get it.

- I get it.

- So they catch these
people in town and it's,

the man is put into the stocks

and they're like, we have
our festival tomorrow.

So we can't leave him
in there for three days

like we normally would.

So everyone can just throw
tomatoes at him today,

and then everything will be good.

- They literally, the
way they phrased it is:

everyone, you may throw
things at the offender.

They don't even specify what.

- They do say, nothing
sharp, come on we're nice.

- Yes and then his defense is:

you have not lived if you
haven't tasted the wet,

the sweetness, that is,

I left the "s" out and that is crucial,

the sweetness that is a human woman.

- Yes.

- And then someone,

they're like talking about it,

someone goes: ass the size of the moon,

which I love.

- This is truly one of the
funniest scenes I've ever seen.

I don't think I will ever write
anything funnier than this.

of a halfling being like,

like a Shylock from
Shakespeare moment of like:

do I not breathe, don't we
all want a giant human woman?

Breasts so large you can't even lift them.

- Ass the size of the moon.

- Would you not do the same?

- Would you not do the same,

were you in my position,
betwixt two ass cheeks.

- Truly nothing.

- Tao, this is your
new audition monologue.

- Yes.
- Oh my god you're right.

I have to kinda be like.

- Are you doing something
dramatic or comedic?

Sexy.

- Imagine I am a halfling.

- Yes, so there is this big like,

you know, isn't love love kind of like,

sort of moment, which is nice.

- Yeah, lest you who have never
loved thy giant human woman.

- A giant sweet wet human woman.

- And that's the end of chapter five,

that's the end of what we read.

So the saga continues you can
go check it at Buttsmithy.com.

- That was crazy.

I was like, what are you
sending me, Buttsmithy?

Yes.

- Oh my god.

- What did we think, guys?

We have a rating scale here.

One is dry as a desert and
five is slide off your chair.

- Honestly I got a couple
five moments in there.

- Oh baby.

- I thought it was hot.

Yes, baby, okay.

- I wanna go with 4.5 with
depth-ness like a valley,

it was always like dipping,

it was like if there was
a line graph it'd be like,

going up and down between four and five.

- The curves on Alduin's body.

- Yeah, creating this line.

- I got yeah,

I gotta say there were some moments

that were total like 4.5's and fives.

There were some scenes that
were like straight up porn

that I was kind of like.

Flip, flip, flip, like
that I wasn't super into.

But yeah I would say like
probably around like a four, 4.5.

- I think I would say the same.

And again I,

if you're going to now listen to this

and then maybe go check it out,

give yourself a little you time.

Have like a nice little space

by yourself or with your lover.

- Maybe a glass of wine.

- Have a glass of wine.

- Have a cigarette.

- Don't have it when you know,

Mike Trapp and Katie are
standing right behind you

at their desk trying to work.

I mean I was screaming at work.

There was one,

there's just one panel that
stays in my mind it was.

- The hole?

- The butt hole.

- It's perfectly round.

- It was so big, round.
- Gaping.

- You could see inside of it.

- You can't see this but we're
looking at camera lenses.

It was truly like looking
down the barrel of a lens.

- It was like a Coke can.

- Yes.
- It was like a Coke can,

Coke Pepsi challenge, do it.

Taste jizz of your friends and loved ones,

see whose is better.

- And I screamed audibly in the office

and then Mike Trapp was
like: is everything okay?

I was like: yeah, I just.

- I gotta go home.

- I'm going home.

- It's like the James Bond intro

where you look down the barrel of a gun.

- And it's James Bond inside
this woman's ass hole,

going like.

- But I mean, I was also
just so into this story.

I thought it's just very well-made.

- Yeah it's nice.

- And it's very beautiful.

I aesthetically still think

I do not like the bodies of the people,

it's just not.

I don't like the chicken cutlets.

But yeah I give it a four.

For sure.

- Yeah for being, it was started in 2010,

I'm like: this is really problematic.

But I'm like: it's 2010.

True.

- I wonder what they would
write if they wrote it now.

- Nobody had brains then.
- And they are still writing.

- Yeah no one had brains,
no one knew right from wrong

or humanity then.

- And I felt like they were
trying to get to points

that were not problematic.

- Yes especially since we're only like

part of the way through.

- Yeah true.

- I think Alduin's character
is sort of a beacon of like,

okay that would be a character
that makes you feel safe

going in reading this a little bit.

That like: oh this person
doesn't think these things

or are trying to reverse these things.

- Yeah and I give it like the allowance

that I give like Game of Thrones

of like, we're talking
about a medieval society

where yeah, probably if
you were found to be gay,

they would slice your throat

and make you into a table.

- Unless you were very rich.

- And crazy.
- And crazy.

Rich, crazy rich Alduin.

- Crazy rich Alduins.

Yes.

Support Alduin theater in artwork.

- Watch it twice.

- I'm Alduin American,
south Alduin counts.

- Oh my god, well speaking
of representation,

the next book that we have lined up.

- Oh boy.

- I am so excited, as some of you may know

from our accents, from
our talks of hoagies,

our hometowns, Rek and I are Philly gals.

And we came across a real beauty.

The next book will be: the
Gritty of Brotherly Love,

a Philly fan fiction.

- Fan spelled P-H-A-N.

- Yes and fiction, P-H.

As we spell things in Philadelphia,

we have no F's.

- Pretty hot in Philly.

- Yeah.

- This was by Matt Kerstetter

who happened to be a friend

of Brennan's when I brought it up.

He has our blessing to read it,

he's very excited.

If you type that in, it's not on Amazon.

Just type in the Gritty of Brotherly Love,

a Philly Phan Phiction.

And it'll come up, that's
what we're reading,

a love story between Gritty
and the Phillie Phanatic.

- I am so beyond excited for this.

If you don't know what either
of those mascots look like.

Yep our producer's doing it.

The Phillie Phanatic
is a big green anteater

from the Galapagos Islands
that was like this.

- He's the most central of any sport.

- Of any mascot.

- He's got hips I mean.
- For days.

- Is that canon, the Galapagos Islands?

- Yes Tao.
- Tao.

- What?

- Educate yourself.

- He's not from Philly?
- Tao.

He's an immigrant.

- Oh true immigrant story.

To become the number one mascot.

- Ant eater that loves to jiggle,

and it's the immigrant story.

You know I see my dad
in the Phillie Phanatic.

- I still see my mom.

- I see my dad in him,

and then my cracked out uncle in Gritty.

So I just can't wait.

So that's what we're reading.

Thank you so much for watching this,

hanging out with us in the Discord.

We absolutely love you,
we love our guests.

Thank you so much for being here.

- And for your expertise,

we couldn't have done it without you.

- Half, this half.

- Oh have a sexy week, oh.

- Bye.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Oh Goo Gone, Goo Gone.

- Oh Goo Gone.

- Goo Gone.

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