All language subtitles for E.B.C.S01E02

- Hello everyone, welcome to
the Erotic Book Club podcast,

the College Humor podcast where we read

erotic books and then discuss them.

I'm Jessica, I'm here with my cohost.

- Hello, I'm Rekha.

- And we have some wonderful people

joining our book club today.

- Hi, I'm Katie.

- Hi, I'm Malin.

- Welcome so much, sexy ladies!

- Welcome so much!

- Welcome so much!

- I feel sexy already!
- Yeah!

- That's what it's all about.
- I feel sexy.

- Good!

So this week the assignment
was The Phantom's Liaison.

This was written by
Lizzie Vega, real name.

Who knows, who's to say?

- Who knows?
- Who's to say?

I'd say no.

- And this is book one in
the Phantom Liaison series.

So we're getting right at the start

of this exciting journey.

Some characters, if you have not read it,

I'll let you know who
we'll be talking about.

There's Meryl, our lead act,
or not actress, our lead woman.

- Our lead character.

Our lead woman.
- Our lead character.

I'm always thinking about what's the movie

gonna look like?
- Our protagonist, yeah.

- We have Hayley, a
neighbor in her building.

Jet, another neighbor;
Turtle, their landlord.

And then of course the Phantom.

- Whose nickname is Tom.

- Get it?
- Phan Tom.

- Phan Tom.

- So let's start it off with the prologue!

- Okay.

- So we're introduced to the book,

and we meet Turtle, but realize later

that this was years
ago, so in the prologue

Turtle is 27, he's in his
building with this older woman

who he's finding kind of sexy.

And they're looking at
a stain up on the wall,

and the woman is saying
that you can't do anything

to the stain, you can't remove it,

because the spirit of
the Phantom is in there

and if you do something, that
she's been able to capture it

in there, and if you do something to it,

it will release the Phantom.

- And something a little
interesting there.

He said "I can't even
paint over this stain."

And she said "no, you'll break the seal."

Which, to me, it's enforcing the seal.

But I guess I don't know.

I guess it depends

on the kind of paint you're using.

- Yeah, Jess is right.
- You would have to

go to Home Depot.
- You would have to go

to Home Depot and ask, that's the thing.

What did we
think of the prologue?

- I thought it set things up
well, 'cause it does in sex.

The prologue?

- Yeah.

- Do they have sex?
- Yeah, he has sex, 100%.

He has sex with the old woman.

She's like "that took a lot out of me."

- You're right!
- "Now it's time for sex."

- Yes!
- They definitely have sex.

- But that feels like
sex on their own accord,

because the Phantom has been sealed.

- Right, but it's still
hot, and it's still sex.

You're right.

- So I don't understand,
yeah, what is the problem?

There is no
problem, you're correct.

- I have a quote, it was
"The Phantom has made

"the witch horny; let you and
I talk payment afterwards."

And then that is the cliffhanger

that the prologue leaves us on.

It just sounds like an
excuse for a landlord

not to do shit around the apartment.

I feel like my landlord would say this.

- Turtle.

My lord, Turtle.
- So now chapter one.

25 years later, we see
Turtle is showing our lead,

Meryl, around the apartment.

We get a very odd description of her.

- So bizarre, the description is "her skin

"was the color of mocha,
and her mahogany-tinted hair

"was long and naturally corkscrewed."

Okay, so sounds like me.

"And she had soft, Caucasian features

"except for the lips,
which were somewhat wide.

"Her eyes were startling,
wide and subtly tilted upward

"like a cat's, with rises that were

"an intriguing mix of green and gray.

"If only he were 20 years younger."

There you go.

- "Turtle caught himself thinking."

You're right, I did misread that.

So this woman is a brown
woman with curly hair

but she has Caucasian features.

Except her lips.

- Except her lips, which are wide.

- Yeah, not too brown.

- Not too brown, she's not too brown,

she's still white enough for
her to be a fully white woman

on the cover of this book.

It is a full, fully a white
woman on the cover of this book.

- Just yeah, if you were nervous at all

it is still a white woman, don't worry.

In case, and
her eyes aren't brown.

So please don't shit
yourselves, they are a beautiful

green or gray, they aren't brown.

Dear God, kill us all
if her eyes were brown.

- So she's walking around the apartment.

She sees the stain, she asks about it.

He lets her know please
don't do anything to it.

It's the one thing about
the apartment you can't do.

We also learn that she is a virgin.

That she's from New Orleans, she lived

with her grandmother there.

They've never, she's never had sex.

She's been very sheltered all of her life

with her New Orleans grandma.

Yes.

She's even uncomfortable saying sex.

It's not even a thing where she's like

"I just haven't met the right person."

She is just so uncomfortable
with the concept of sex.

- Yes, or anybody hitting on her.

Any guy or anything like
that, which makes something

that happens a bit later,
made me think that maybe

she is a lesbian, spoiler alert,
but then it's rest assured

that she's also not a
lesbian, so don't worry.

- Don't shit yourself.
- We didn't read

- that kind of book.
- She doesn't

have brown eyes and she's not gay.

- She's in the graduate
program at the UCB.

Not the Upright Citizens
Brigade, but UC Berkeley.

Yeah, so she decides right then and there

to take the apartment, but of course

what's the first thing that she does?

- Oh boy, I bet I know.
- Let's take a guess.

Is it, does she leave the stain as is?

- No, of course not!

She's gonna paint over it!

Straight to the stain.

Like a gal feels inclined to!
- Yes!

- I don't know, she,
they do indicate though

that she felt compelled to it.

It wasn't just "oh I don't like this,

"I'm gonna paint over it."

She has something inside her that

- she couldn't let go, yeah.
- She was focusing

- on it.
- There's a little,

yeah, something pulling
her to get baking soda.

- Here's the thing: if
you're this landlord

wouldn't you just not sell this apartment?

- Listen, but they.
- Wouldn't you make it

a storage room or something?

Many times
they allude to the fact

of how badly he wants money from tenants.

Like, they'll be like "yeah,
such and such horrible thing

"is happening, but he really
wanted the rent money."

- I just think this is such a liability.

I mean, this is a lawsuit
waiting to happen.

- Absolutely, and the
backstory is, many people

have cycled out of this apartment.

Many, many tenants have gone
in and out of this apartment

and there's no explanation
why in the beginning.

- Well, woman lived
there for like 24 years,

Mrs. Stevens, but I don't
know why Tom wasn't into her.

- She was just kind of boring?
- I guess.

- Oh, I thought the implication
was she really enjoyed.

Oh!

- Sex.
- I'm with you, that's

what I heard, I thought.
- Her time with the Phantom.

- Yes, and his, well we'll get to it.

- Yeah, I spoiled it, sorry.
- Yes, it's okay.

But yes, yes, she did enjoy the sex

and so therefore he did not haunt her.

- So now we're in chapter two.

She removes the stain
and she feels compelled,

she feels compelled to remove the stain

and then, once it's
removed, she feels compelled

to walk across the hall
to Hayley, her neighbor.

- Yes, like a gust of wind
blows up her dress, right?

And then she all of a sudden
feels possessed a little bit.

- The wind, you can imagine
the wind going up her vagina.

- Like a creepy, like
a little hand kind of,

sort of like Super-Mario up the pipe.

- That is some nasty
wind, I don't wanna think

about the wind that way.
- A gentle wind,

a fingery wind right up the old vagina.

- Yeah.
- And the butthole.

- Hayley has soft hands, a older woman,

red hair, pixie cut, heavy makeup,

and she's wearing a
figure-hugging tank top and jeans.

And she is a bartender.

And Meryl, through her
whole description of her

and it's the first person
that she sees and is into,

this is what made me think
that maybe Meryl was gay.

- Yes, totally.

- And she even said, even
her armpit is pretty.

Yeah, I'm like "oh,
you're interested in her."

- Which, I'm gay and I don't think

anybody's armpit is pretty,
so this lady's very gay.

Oh, and then we also meet Jet,

the hottie who lives in
the building as well.

- Yeah, Jet Tomlison or something?

What is his last, it's some
very crazy bubbly lettered,

you're making up character
names kind of name.

- And he's bisexual, it
really wants you to know.

- Which, this book has an issue with.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh boy.

Oh yeah, certainly.

- Yeah, Hayley immediately
called Jet a fag,

and then it's supposed to
be kind of witty banter

back and forth, but it's so harsh.

- Nope, doesn't make sense.

- And one of the first things
that our girl Hayley says

that you're kind of like "oh god,

"I hope nobody fucks you," but they do.

- And they describe
him as someone who will

have sex with anything,
and doing that in tandem

with being like he's bisexual,

they keep saying he has
indiscriminate sexual taste,

which is so offensive!

- Yeah, I do have the
quote "he'll hump anything

"that moves: man, woman, dog, anything."

- Yeah.

- Yeah, that's pretty
horrible, uh, anyway.

- But we meet them, we see a
bit of Hayley and Jet's banter

which may come into play
later in the book, maybe not.

And then we also for the first time

hear the Phantom's point
of view in this chapter.

So now we're hearing
what the Phantom is doing

to Meryl and to everyone in the building.

He's very excited to
turn this timid virgin

into a slutty woman, and he can sense

that she has witch's blood.
- Yes.

He calls her a little witch all the time,

and I guess that's nice.

- And I guess that's nice.

That's a compliment
in Phantom culture.

- Yeah, in Phantom culture
it's very positive to say that.

- So the Phantom has her brush her hair.

I guess he has the brief introduction.

He wants them to meet the
people in the building.

Then she goes back home, brushes her hair,

and then goes over to her
neighbor Hayley's apartment

and knock at the door, and then

that's where the chapter leads off.

- And this next scene is, is sex.

Yeah it's the scene of sex.

- It's the sex, it's the sex scene.

- We're getting to our first sex scene,

so then we can really get
into the meat of this book.

It takes a while to get to the sex.

There's not, for me, enough sex.

- There was not!

This was 26% of
the way through the book.

- Yes!

That's kind of a lot for like.

- Which is also how you judge books now.

As what the little tab on the bar.

Yeah, yeah!

I have 60% book left!

- Yeah.

- Yeah, definitely not enough sex.

- Yeah, there was, this woman, the author

is very interested in having
a narrative component.

Like, this felt very
much like she was like

"I can't just write straight erotica.

"There has to be a lot of
metaphor and story and plot."

Which I did not need.
- I think they thought

this was going to be like their 50 Shades.

Like, I would be curious
if this was even based off

something else the way that 50 Shades is.

Right.

- So Hayley gets a knock on
the door, Meryl comes in.

And then Hayley's kind of confused,

she's starting to set up stuff for Meryl.

She looks over and Meryl is buck naked.

Buck.

- How often have you guys described

being naked as buck naked?

We were talking
about that, is it--

- I say butt naked.
- I would say butt as well.

I have heard
both, I've heard buck wild,

- buck naked, butt naked.
- I think I say buck.

- You say buck?
- Really?

Buck naked.

This is like a little gradient.

- Wow.

- Which do you think is--

I mean, I don't often say it.

I usually will opt for
naked, but if I'm gonna add

a descriptor I think I
would say buck naked, yeah.

- And is it sexier to say buck naked?

- I think butt is sexier.

- I want to see you butt naked.

- I want to see your butt naked.

I want to see your butt naked.

- I feel like I hear it applied to like,

when a kid is running around buck naked.

Like, it's not a sexual descriptor to me.

Yeah, it's like
a wild like, come on!

- It's like whoops, put on your clothes!

- More, yeah.

- That's the thing, there is something

very juvenile about it.

I was like, this is our first sex scene

and this is how we wanna describe things?

Meryl is naturally hairless without

the benefit of wax or razors.

- Which is one of the first
times when you're like

oh a man, yeah, a man totally wrote this.

Without, without?
- She's just one of those gals

where nothin' ever grew down there.

- Yeah!
- She's eight.

She's eight years old.
- And she's buck naked!

And she's buck naked,
runnin' around the house.

Yeah, that's super nasty.

- So these two, as described in the book,

mash their breasts together, which,

as someone who has been with a woman,

I can never think of
like ,

like, we're like pushing
our boobies together.

It seems so gross and juvenile to me.

- A man wrote this!

- It's a porn thing,
right, I think it's like,

it's done in lesbian
porn and so I feel like

that's what this man has seen.

To just smash at 'em?

- Yeah.
- I think, yeah.

I don't think I've
watched enough lesbian porn.

- For the benefit of like.
- People mash boobs for sure.

- Oh man.
- I've seen it.

- I've seen it!

How was it, was it enjoyable?

- Oh I mean, I'm not even
thinking of a specific instance.

I feel like it's common.

Is it like a
slap or like a shmoosh?

- I think it's also while making out

and like touching other parts.

It's not just only that.
- But it does feel like

strategic like oh, we're meeting here.

- Meeting in the middle.

I could see that.

- Yeah, our breasts get in the way.

- The only thing
- Oh my.

- between our love is our breasts.

Do you happen
to have breasts as well?

- Oh my my, puzzle pieces connect!

- So the two women begin
to finger one another?

- Yes, heavy fingering.
- Heavy fingering.

They are inserting their fingers

into their hot slits or something.

He has all sorts of ways to
describe a vagina in this book.

- But it definitely sounds
like the kind of fingering

that's like, just inserting, yeah.

- With no clitoral stimulation?

- Not clit stuff, just like.

- That isn't the way
that you guys get off?

Just with someone jabbing your pussy?

- With a dry sandpaper
freakin' woodpecker?

With a scratchy nail?

- Yeah, a scratchy nail.

- Oh, I'm sorry, was that too visual?

- One of my favorite parts of the book

is when the women are about to make love,

I forget which one, I think it's Hayley,

in her mind you hear "god, thank god

"I bought the fake leather couch so that,

"a real leather couch
I would never be able

"to get this juice out of."

And I have had that thought,
not about buying leather,

but you gotta put a towel down

if it's on the couch?
- If it's on the couch.

People sit there, you have
guests over, that's rude.

- That is freaking rude.
- Yes.

- That part I was like
"maybe this is a woman."

- Yeah, honestly that's
the one part that's like,

yeah, like she was thoughtful.

- What if his wife read it and was like,

- "you gotta add this."
- Put a towel down.

Put a towel down, ain't
nobody want their--

- Two women, we got double
the trouble, put a towel down.

That's a witch's
brew, that's a witch's brew.

- So they have a short
little do it session.

Here's a question that popped up.

Is it a threesome if the
Phantom is making her

have sex with the other woman?

- No.
- I don't think so.

- I don't think so.

- You don't think so at
all, not even a little bit?

- No, not even a little bit.
- Whoa.

Because here's the thing: I don't think

either of them are gaining pleasure

from the Phantom being there.

I think the Phantom gains
pleasure from being there.

But I don't think Halley or Meryl gets,

I mean first off it's a little fucked.

Meryl is being possessed
to have sex with Halley.

Yes, it is extremely fucked up.

- So that's not consensual,
but I don't think

that Halley finds it, Halley doesn't know

that she's being possessed, and Meryl

isn't quite aware, right?

- She doesn't know what's happening yet.

I don't think it's a threesome.

- And I think for it to
be a threesome for me,

everyone would have to
be enjoying that there's.

- For me to know that I'm in one.

- I want to know that I'm there, yeah.

- I need to know I'm in one.

But for me, and something
that should've been mentioned

way earlier in the book but
made a lot of my worries

about the book a little better,

was in the end it says that the Phantom

only goes off of your own natural desires.

So it's something that's deep inside

of this coy little virgin,
and she's just beggin'

Phanty to let it out.

She's beggin' to rub boobies!

- Yeah.

- So does that change your mind?

That' it's a threesome?

- No, it's still not a threesome.

- I can't believe no one
agrees with me, okay.

- Jessica!

- I just think if someone was in my mind,

if a physical, there's two right now.

Someone is also--

- At this point she
doesn't know that there's,

she doesn't know what's going on.

- And who, 'cause also
no one is pleasuring,

the Phantom is getting pleasured

but the Phantom isn't pleasuring anybody.

- Is that what makes a threesome?

I think someone could sit
in the corner right now.

Maybe, is it a cuckold?

Right, when someone, cuckolding, when you.

- Is when you just watch?

- Is that a cuckold?

- I think, is this a cuckold?

- Computer!

- Okay Google, what is a cuckold?

- Google, what is cuckold?

- Honestly, cuckold is such a good word.

Yes, you should call.

- Hello, cuckold?
- Hello, cuckold!

- I thought a cuckold was when
you wanted somebody's wife.

Or when you wanted, like
oh, you're a cuckold,

you're taking somebody's partner.

I think it
has to do with watching.

- I don't know.

- But I think it is often a guy

who maybe watches someone
else have sex with his wife.

Well, could a cuckold
be a division of a threesome?

No.

Why not?

- I think maybe.
- I think it is sexual.

If it is, it's division three.

- I don't think that's
a grade A threesome.

I just don't, I'm sorry.
- What do you mean "grade A"?

But I think it is a division.

The man being cuckolded is deriving,

you know, like is a submissive type.

I feel like yeah, that would
be a subset of a threesome.

But I do think,
maybe this is more of a voyeur

or a peeping, peeping phan-Tom situation.

- I was gonna make that joke.

- This book is smarter than I thought.

- Damn, because if, even in a cuckold,

you know that the third person is there.

Ideally they're not just in a closet

or a proverbial closet, like watching.

- I'm gonna have to put my foot down.

Abso, this is not a threesome.

- Katie has put.
- Wait, if someone's

just sitting in the corner?

- Jessica, Katie has put her foot down.

- I have put my foot down.

- Because they are a part
of the sexual experience.

You two are getting off more
because someone is watching

and they're getting off watching,

regardless of what they're doing.

- I would like to move on,
'cause I'm getting pretty heated.

This is chapter three.

- We're only three chapters in.

Okay, so these ladies do it, end of story.

- Sex.

- Chapter four, that was a
very contentious chapter.

- Yeah.
- Oh man.

- So now Meryl is wondering
exactly what happened,

what's going on, why did I just

go over and fuck my neighbor?

- Who is a woman, also, I
think that also startled her.

- And she started to
question too, "am I gay?"

And I thought it was gonna be
that she was open to things,

but then it was a
shut-down, "definitely not."

Which is a bummer.
- Yeah, that was a bummer.

- Or just as least bi,
you know, something.

Be bi!

- Be bi.
- Be bi.

Be bi.

- Be bi, cuckold, I am sexy robot, be bi.

Sexy robot,
thanks for stopping by!

And then it's the first
time that she meets Tom.

When she's back in the room
Tom presents his true form.

And this was, sincerely, my
favorite part of the book.

I did love the way
- This was the hottest part.

- that Tom looked.

Tom is this big, it's
almost like if the David

came to life and had a giant erection

and he was made of gold,
and I kind of imagined,

he's almost kind of
metallicy and liquidy too.

- Liquidy!

- I don't know, I like, I like
one of those trapper keepers

- where you touch the front.
- Ew!

- Oh god.
- Yes!

- Oh of the Mucinex boogers.

No, he's not a Mucinex!

- An erect Mucinex booger?
- Ew, Jess likes

the Mucinex guy!
- No, it's like the galaxy.

It's swirly and it's like, it's contained.

It's not the Mucinex booger.

I would never fuck the Mucinex booger.

- Bullshit.

- I have never, I would never.

- Bullshit, bullshit.

No one believes
that, truly no one.

- So we meet Tom.

And we see him and his
beautiful golden dick.

He, himself says "Do call me
Tom, it's short for Phantom."

They add that in it, just in case

you didn't know as the reader.

So this is for readers of all levels.

And he makes her watch him jerk it.

Yes.

- Which, at the time, now
of course now we're talking

about consent, didn't feel so good.

I think they just had to move that,

he brings out what you want.

- They had to say that
because it was like,

this is a problem.
- I was like, dude.

- Isn't this where they say that

really fucked up thing, Jess?

Where it says "it felt only
right that," uh, where is it?

- Oh yes, "fair is fair,
he made her do those things

"to Halley while he watches,

"so she was only returning the favor."

Is the logic of why she stays
and watches him jerk off.

- So he made you have sex
with someone and he watched.

Therefore you owe him
watching him have sex.

Makes no sense.

So that is, that's fucked.

- Meryl is very much.
- She's a victim.

- She's a victim and she's
got very twisted thinking

and I really, she needs
to see a therapist.

- I am nervous for Meryl.
- I'm very nervous.

- And she does, oh, and then
he spits out his Phantom seed

out of his wee-wee.
- Yeah yeah, he spits it out.

- He spits it.
- Disgusting, yeah.

- He finishes and disappears, and he says

"my work here is done."
- Can you imagine

if you were with a guy, and
he jerked it on your wall

and then said "my work here is done!"

- Honestly, I mean if
it was a one night stand

I wouldn't mind one bit.

- "My work here is done."
- You made a mess!

Clean this!

- Is it physical, though, if
he's a Phantom is his come?

Or is it like a wind?

- Or just it, does it whisk.

- I just thought of it shooting in the air

like a river but in the
air, that is so cool to me.

That is so fucking hot.

- I don't think it's hot,
I think it's beautiful.

I would love to see like, fanart of it.

If any of you are artists out there

and would like to draw Tom the Phantom,

did you guys imagine him any other way?

I was the David.
- I told you

- what I accidentally did.
- Gritty.

- I accidentally, I don't, you know how,

despite how someone could
describe someone in a book

you're just like, I already
locked them in as this.

It doesn't matter what you're
saying, I don't know why.

Okay, do you know the villain
in The Princess and the Frog?

Yes!

- The big, purple clothes.
- No, haven't seen.

- And the top hat, and
he looked really slick?

- I know exactly who you're talking about.

I imagined him as him!

- I find Disney characters very sexy.

I was very into Jafar.

- Oh, certainly.

- Especially when
- this guy kind of

- looks like Jafar.
- Jasmine was

in the red outfit?

- Jasmine looked very
hot in the red outfit.

- That is one of the sexiest
scenes I've ever seen.

- I mean, but it's scary!

- Hey, that's love, baby.

- Great.

- Chapter five, Meryl is alone.

She needs to scrub her soul, her words.

This poor girl.
- Because she saw a man

jerk it, even though she
felt she owed him that.

- She does say as well "if my Grandmother

"were going through the same
thing, she'd know what to do."

- If my grandmother saw
a Phantom jerk it hard

in front of her, she'd
know just what to say.

- Just the thing.

And this is a virgin without wifi.

This is the exact
moment that she mentions this.

- Malin has pointed out
something very crucial.

- She doesn't have wifi or even

a smart phone with a data plan.

That's what she says,

this poor virgin without wifi.

- So she literally has never seen.

I mean, I don't know what
kind of sex education

she's getting in Louisiana,
but I suspect not great.

And so she's truly never
seen any of this before.

'Cause she definitely
wouldn't have had a way

to watch porn or anything.
- Not on dial-up, no way.

- Too slow!

Yes, this is wild, she should
be more traumatized I think.

- That's what's crazy, yeah, totally.

- But it's inside of her.

You're right.

It's inside us all.
- The desire,

it's inside us all and
it was being repressed.

That made me kind of like Meryl,
or at least feel for Meryl.

I think she had a bit goin' on.

So she goes to the library
'cause she ain't got,

you know, no beep-bop electronics.

And then she comes back and
Hayley's in the hallway,

Turtle's in the hallway,
Meryl's in the hallway.

- We all in the hallway!

- I say it because they're all

kind of doing a look at each other.

These two are looking,
awkward sexual tension,

and Turtle knows something
is up between these two.

He's seen this before.

He's seen this many times.

- He suspects that she scrubbed her walls

and the Phantom is back, and
sure enough Turtle is right.

- Dun dun dun!

Do you want me to hold this?

- Oh, no I'm good, I'm good.

So Turtle goes into her room with her.

She explains what happened,
"I scrubbed the wall,

"the horny ghost came,"
he's like yeah I know.

Blah blah blah.

- Blah blah blah, you know.
- And he does.

- And Meryl in herself at this point,

thinks that her witch blood is
able to control Tom a little.

Oh, in the one scene,
we did forget to mention

that Tom says "you can either stay

"and be my plaything, or you can leave."

Like the others.

- Yes, and Meryl, in kind
of her first big moment,

says "no, I shall do neither.

"I shall stay and not be your sex thing."

Right, very powerful.

- And Tom is like "ha ha ha."

But then he feels a bit of her power

because she does have this witch blood.

So see, this lady wrote a lot.

I mean, there's a lot.
- She wrote a lot,

and there has been one sex scene.

- Yeah.

So then Tom comes out and
interrupts the conversation

and is like "yeah Turtle, I'm back.

"And you were the one who did this to me."

And then he takes Turtle
into Turtle's room

and I think they have sex.
- They do have sex.

- I think they do have sex.

- It's not described in
the book, it's implied.

And the next day Turtle
has never looked better.

Yes, Turtle looks good.

- Meryl's words, he
looks 25 years younger.

Where are we now?

What kind of,

do you guys think the
Turtle and Tom sex was hot?

- I mean, no, absolutely not.
- Just instantly no.

- Just, it wasn't described in any way.

It didn't at all do anything
to me and my nether regions.

Well, but in your mind's eye.

- You mean offscreen.

I think even offscreen, I
wouldn't have found it hot.

Turtle is not an appealing person to me.

No, Turtle seems gross.

- I think there's something
about a hot Adonis,

and kind of like, this
landlord shlubby old man

just having little kisses that I like.

- If it's little kisses, if it's--

Touching each other's
face and then like, yeah,

and then getting to it.

I don't, I kind of like them together.

- What are the rules of the Phantom

deciding to occupy a body and going out

versus he, himself, taking
corporeal form and doing Turtle?

Yeah, that's the
thing too because I think

he might've just made him jerk all, right?

Or he jerked, they both jerked.

- Right, and is that a threesome, I don't.

- And is that a threesome.

No, 'cause it's only two of 'em!

- No, I know, I know.

- I mean, my huge issue with the book,

and I'll say it halfway
through, is that no one,

we never see sex with this Phantom.

- Yes!

- What a waste.
- Isn't that crazy?

You just see him jerk it.

- And when I hear like, sex ghost,

I think he's gonna be
sleeping with all the people.

Of course, and
that's how it should be!

- And he has otherworldly powers.

He can get into crevices that no,

didn't we talk about this last time,

like crevices that no one else?

- Yeah!
- Could get to?

- This ghost could find
a new pleasure zone.

- Yeah, in your cervix.

He could get to your
cervix, he could check

if your IUD is in there, and
find your new pleasure zone.

- But most importantly,
see how the IUD is doing.

- Yes, yes.
- Oh my god.

Yeah, and he's just always erect.

I like that about him
too, he just shows up

and he's fucking hard as a rock.

- Yeah, that was nice.

- And no one is getting on it!

That's nice.
- That's true!

There needed to be more boning!

- I love depictions, yeah.
- Simply not enough.

- Yeah, depictions of
demons that have erections.

They did it in that one
movie with Jonah Hill,

like The World Will End
or something like that.

- Moneyball.
- And there's like a,

Moneyball, they did it in Moneyball.

Okay, Turtle's never
looked hotter, chapter six.

He takes 'em out to lunch, the two ladies.

And he gives them the
lowdown of what is going on.

And Hayley does not believe it.

Of course Meryl does
because she's seen Tom

but Hayley's like "you
guys are crazy, no way."

And this is when you also find out

that yeah, he finds your sexual
nature and has it come out.

Yeah.

- So Hayley's a nonbeliever
up until Hayley goes back

to the house and runs into our boy Jet.

- Who she kind of hates.
- Oh yeah.

- She really thinks he's an idiot

and super judges his bisexuality.

She's cruel to him.

- Yeah, she's very rude.
- She says hate speech

every time she sees him.
- Yes.

- Do you think it's meant to be flirtation

that is written just very poorly?

A hundred percent.

- That was the vibe that I got.

- I think so.

- I mean what, what, I mean,
she drops the f-bomb again

in this interaction.
- Yeah.

She's not a nice woman.

Hayley does refer to Jet's dick,

if you didn't know, these
guys are about to fuck,

as "this dick, of all
the dicks in the world."

Yes, yeah.

That was beautiful and poetic.

- This dick had to walk
into walk into my bar.

And he walks in buck naked.

So Jet is now possessed by the Phantom.

Goes into Hayley's room because
the Phantom knows I guess

Hayley's a nonbeliever, or I don't know.

He just likes when people fuck.

And so he goes into the
room and these two go at it.

- With no foreplay whatsoever.
- It specifically--

- He just slides into her apartment

and straight into her pussy.

- The quote is "without further ado,

"that is to say, without
any foreplay whatsoever,

"Jet punched his entire
length into Hayley's hot,

"moist, and tender slice of heaven."

Did it say punched?

- Plunged.
- Oh, thank god.

I thought you said.

- Yeah!

- Well that's, that's better.

- That is so gross.
- It's so gross,

but I heard punched so it's better.

- I heard and read punched.

- Is that just supposed to be a hot thing,

like without any foreplay
I was able to just

- No!
- get someone so,

but like in somebody's
mind, in some world,

is it supposed to be
like "I'm so fuckin' good

"that just the second she sees
me drippin' and ready to go."

- I guess if you're that hot,
and someone is already wet

looking at you that's
really great for you.

I just can't imagine.
- No.

- Any situation.
- I feel like that would hurt.

- Yes, it would!
- Yeah.

- Me personally, ouch, you know?

Katie's reading: ouch.

I give this book ouch.

- So then we hop to Meryl's apartment.

She hears sounds coming
and she just knows,

"oh my god, it has to be
the Phantom controlling two

"of my neighbors and
now they're having sex."

- They would never have
sex on their own accord.

- No one in this building
would normally have sex

but because now a sex
demon is out, everybody is.

So she is compelled by Tom
to go over and watch them

and he is fuckin' her like a jackrabbit.

And Meryl is just watching,
and Tom's like "yes, watch."

Is this a threesome, is this a foursome?

- Okay, is Tom also still in Jet's body?

- I think so.
- And he's able to

duplicate himself, go get
Meryl and bring her back?

- Here's, guys, I'm
sorry, I have to say it.

I thought that Meryl
went to talk to Halley.

I think she did.

- And then she was compelled to go.

And then she was grabbed
in by Jet and Tom.

- That's what it is.
- Oh!

- And then the door was locked
so she couldn't get out.

- Yes, she is, and that
part was so confusing.

Because then it made it sound like later

they were surprised that
she was there, or that--

- Yes, it made it seem really very gross.

Because if they grab her.

- But he was possessed.

- He was possessed.
- Yeah, I think a possessed

Jet grabbed her and
pulled her into the room.

- So if you're possessed
and you grab a third,

is it a threesome?

No.

- Yes.

- I think it's a cuckold.

- I think it's a cuckold.

- I think it's a
foursome, 'cause you got--

- 'Cause you count the Phantom.

- The fact that they didn't know,

the fact that they didn't
know until he was out

of Jet's little head, that
she was there, worries me.

That, to me is, no that's not a threesome.

That's non-consensual, she
didn't want to be there.

That's not a threesome.

She didn't
participate in anything.

- She didn't participate, and
Jet did not want to be there

as evidenced by when the Phantom left him.

- He immediately gets up and leaves.

- He felt very guilty and strange.

- Because of their awkward relationship.

- Right.
- Yes.

- And he was just waking
up naked somewhere

that he wasn't expecting.
- Yes.

- Yeah, that's what made it so
hard to find any of this hot,

I think, is that it's
all murky consent-wise.

And whether any of them
even want to be doing it.

And it's not totally fixed, I don't think,

by the one like of like "it
revealed your deepest desires."

That's so like, so this is all fine,

but the experience of reading it,

it still doesn't feel awesome.

- It felt rapey.
- It did.

- For sure.
- And if it is

really trying to get at like,
no, it's just a sexy surprise,

it did not hit that note at all.

- No, you need characters
to immediately be like

okay yes, surprised but I love it.

- It even said that Halley was like,

walking backwards until it took over.

Like to me it was like,
she was trying to get

- the fuck out of there.
- Yes!

This sex scene was
terrible; this was so bad.

And it took place across
multiple chapters, strangely.

It was odd, yes.

- And one of the lines
I thought was crazy,

once they realize, sorry,
yeah, this is so confusing.

Okay: "Jet, still carrying
Halley and still connected

"to her, stepped forward in the direction

"of the hall and of Meryl.

"Then, reaching out a hand,"
- So around the back.

- "And Meryl followed it with her eyes,

"with an odd sense of detachment,
like it wasn't her arm

"those long beautiful
fingers were reaching for

"with the result that she, once again,

"was stunned when Jet grabbed her.

"And, in one abrupt motion,
made more impressive

"by the fact that he was also
supporting Halley's weight,

"pulled Meryl into the apartment

"and shut the door after
all three of them."

- So he came.
- So it was like this.

- While still inserted,
and opened the door

like he's answering a
FedEx package or whatever.

- And then make you come in.
- Thank you so much.

I'm fucking still.
- Yeah, closes the door,

locks it up, double-checks,
is still fucking.

Is that, I read that so many
times, it was so confusing.

- That's what happened though.

But that's what happened though.

- Rekha, don't you understand?

That's what happened.

- That's literally what happened.

- I'm sorry, that's what happened.

- I did note that never before have I seen

someone orgasm in written out,

so it's written "oh-ho-hum-mm God!"

- And it looks like it says good,

because to make God look like it's longer,

she puts too many Os
instead of too many Ds.

"Good!"

- Like a cereal mascot.
- Yeah, "great!"

- Oh my god, I had never
seen that written out.

And for that, I think, is pretty creative.

- Yeah, that's pretty creative.

- So these guys keep having sex.

There was one little hot moment.

Let me see if you guys thought the same.

Where they're kind of teasing each other

so they do describe how the penis goes in.

He's slowly putting it in
and out, a little peekaboo.

And then ba-ba-ba-ba-bum.
- Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

and then out.
- And then slow again.

- Yeah, that's fun.
- Did we like that?

- I like that, but I
don't like when people

use the adjective hammering
or like, slamming.

Thrusting, punch,
thrusting's fine, punching

is what I meant to say.
- Oh my god,

when people describe it as punching.

- And again, no one
did, but Katie thought.

But Katie thought, and that's
important enough to address.

We just keep talking about it.

- I think I don't hate hammering,

but it has to be when the time is right.

- It has to be when the time
is right, like build up.

- We have to earn it.

You have to earn your hammering.

- Any sort of violent word,
- Tools!

- is gonna turn me off.

- What about a little spank?

- I hate it.

- Alright, so these two
do it, they finish up.

The girls bond for a
bit about what happened.

Now she believes that
the possession is real.

Hayley does.
- Right.

- We're in chapter ten now.

Tom visits Jet, I thought
this was a very funny scene.

He's basically with him and
he's kind of like "I'm a ghost,"

and Jet's like "oh yeah,
cool," and then he leaves.

- Drinking, right, he's drinking, he's.

"At the bottom of his
bottle," he's so upset.

- Which is very sad.
- Yes, incredibly sad!

- He's reckoning with the
fact that he just maybe

assaulted someone, or
was assaulted himself.

- Yes.

- Yes!
- Brushing over that.

- But he wasn't at all
like "oh my god, a ghost"

or, there was no, it was just like--

- He was relieved.

He was relieved because
he didn't assault someone.

- Oh, this wasn't me.
- Yeah, exactly.

- Weird to include.

It shows me that they get
it enough, but not enough.

- No.

- So then Meryl is taking a shower.

She's trying to wash
off what has happened.

And she is starting to feel more

and more sexual herself now, too.

So she debates masturbating
with the shower head

and she's going back and
forth whether she should,

whether it's right,
whether she's gone crazy.

I was reading this like oh my god,

just put it on your pussy already.

Like what is the big deal?
- Put it on your pussy!

Have you guys done this?

- With a shower head?
- Yeah!

- No.
- I've tried,

it's not super great.

- Yeah, I don't think, for me no,

I don't think that would do anything.

- It was one of the first
ways that I masturbated,

like when I was a kid.

We had just gotten one of those
detachable shower heads too.

It instantly went boop!
- When you became,

when you got into puberty
your parents were like

"it's time for Jessica
to get one of these."

- I've never had one.

I've only used one at like, a hotel.

So I've never.
- You simply must.

- Should I get, do you have one now?

- No.

Now I just have Kate.
- Now I know

what I'm gonna get you for your wedding!

- I'm getting nothing but shower heads.

It does feel nice 'cause
it's like warm too,

and it's like a nice jet, and then

you can control the jet.
- I could see that.

- You can work your way up to hammering.

- Right.

Yeah, the jet has a little, it goes from

little tease to hammer, that's
what you can work it up to.

- So Tom pops into her mind
as she's having this debate.

And is trying to get her to do it?

- Yes, he's like "do it,"
he's like "masturbate!"

And he sort of emphasizes
that idea of like,

this is what you really
want kind of thing.

Yes.

- And we learn a little
bit about Tom here too.

About his kind of
backstory and his nature.

- Yeah, do we?

- I've already forgotten.
- It's basically

a moment where they're trying
to make Tom a nice guy.

- Oh my god, and they even said

"and Meryl was starting to like him."

To even make it be like, in
case you really super hated him,

our protagonist who is
manipulated, possessed,

and betrayed by this person,
this ghost, likes him.

- She was also very
uncomfortable that he was there.

She put on a thing and was
really trying to hide her vagina.

- And then he's like "I've seen."

Oh, which she calls her problem mound.

This is the scene where
she calls her vagina.

- But don't we all, don't
we all call it that?

- Causes nothing but problems.

- This, my little problem mound.

You know, there's so many parts
of my body that I call that.

Problem mounds, problem mound.

Yeah, mostly just the.

- Yeah, the sexual parts.
- The sex parts.

Those are my problem mounds.

But, wait, what was
the question, that doesn't he?

- Oh, so she was uncomfortable
with him being there.

- Oh yeah, yeah, he says
"I've seen every type

"of body before, and you better believe

"I've seen every inch of yours"
and that's like, she's like.

Is that
supposed to be relieving?

- I'm even more uncomfortable, yeah.

So it's very weird.
- Is this the part

where he said he likes all bodies?

- Yes.
- That was nice.

That was
hilarious, hold on, it's.

- There's a speech, that he's
been with all different kinds

of people and that he doesn't judge.

- Okay, he says "if it
makes you feel any better,

"I don't really care about
a person's physical traits.

"In fact, you could say I'm blind to them.

"I've been with big
women and skeletal men."

The two genders.

Wow, what a saint.

- "I've had them wrinkly,
hairy, shiny with scars

or bumpy with lesions,"
the other two genders.

"I've had them fresh and young

"and I've had them weathered
with illness or age.

"I don't care if they
have breasts or a penis.

"I don't care if they
have breasts and a penis.

"My only requirement is solidity.

"If a person has that, I don't care

"about what kind of form they have."

This is my
next audition monologue.

- Yeah!

Hello, my name is
Jessica Ross, and I'll be doing--

Tom from Phantom's Liaison.

We're all familiar with that.

- Oh god, this again.

- Is this comedic or dramatic?

Both.
- Sexual.

- Sexual, this is my sexual monologue.

- My sexual monologue.

- So this is the point now where

we see Tom's not that bad of a guy.

He goes away, she does
masturbate with the shower head.

Then we see, she runs
into Turtle the next day

and he basically makes this
weird just "eh, it's a living."

And that's the end of the book.

- Yes, and I--
- And he says

he wants to populate the
apartment with horny people.

Sexy people.

So he'll still make his money,

'cause that's all he cares about.

But then the Phantom
will get what he wants.

Which is sexy people.
- And it'll be like maybe

more ethical, if everybody's
down to clown all the time.

- Would it be crazy to think
that the second book is great?

- Yes.

Certainly.

- Because now we've set up, there was just

kind of this weird setup to then,

and now in the next book you'll get

what you thought you were going to get.

Just a bunch of people
in a hotel, fucking.

- I guess if we were
to read the description

of the second book, and it wasn't like,

all the reviews were like
"there's a ton of sex in here,"

then this book has failed.
- I don't wanna read it

- if there's not a lot of sex.
- Yeah,

there's got to be, let me see if I can--

- I didn't join this book club for no sex.

- I didn't join this bookshelf, bookshelf.

Book club to dry up like a raisin.

- Yeah, exactly.
- I wanted to be sucked

- like a grape.
- I didn't want this.

- In other erotic stuff
that y'all have read,

what's, how many sex
scenes do you usually get?

- So many.

It starts immediately and it keeps going.

And it keeps going
to an uncomfortable degree.

- Right, and eventually
your nether regions

get turned off by it, 'cause it's,

you're so inundated by it
you're just like whatever.

- You need a refractory
period from reading.

Exactly, you're like this isn't,

okay, another penis, another vagina.

- Okay, okay, I get it.
- Yeah, I get it, so.

Is the next one
The Phantom's Pursuit?

I hope so.

I have no idea.

- Oi, it wants me to rate
this book before I do it.

I'm not.
- Go ahead, what's the rating?

- I did not add this one to my Goodreads.

I don't need people knowing.

- Goodreads, 60% through
The Phantom's Liaison.

- So ladies, let's rate this one!

Not on Amazon, but on
our fluffy white couches.

Our little problem mounds.

- Our little problem mounds.

One being a drought, five
being slide off my chair.

- Monsoon.

- Monsoon season.

- Can I go, just 'cause I
started talking already.

- Yes.
- No.

- I'd say this was a one, dry as can be.

- Yeah.
Not a wetness in the air.

- Yeah, no humidity in this book.

There's no wetness in the air.

- What about you, Jess?

- Um, I mean I, I just wanted so much more

so I'm a little
disappointed, and in moments

on my own, thinking about my
version of Tom visiting me,

I enjoyed it quite a lot.
- So you enjoyed

your own fan, your own erotica.

- The erotica in my mind was
at least a three or a four.

- So she inspired really sexy erotica.

- She did inspire, I mean I just like,

I like hearing stories
when people say that they

have sex with ghosts.
- Yeah, me too.

Who doesn't?
- I would definitely

love to have sex with a ghost.

If you're a ghost watching,
please, you have my permission.

DM Jess.

- Come into my apartment
and make love to me.

Yeah, I just like the idea of it.

I think that it's funny and sexy.

Which is my style.
- Yeah, so you really

loved this book then.
- No, well, but this

unfortunately, I mean I
don't even know what I read.

- I would have to give this.
- I don't know

what the hell this was.
- A one as well.

- Yeah.
- It was a disappointment

for sure, sex-wise, I
mean, it was nothing.

- For sure.

- I'm also a one.

I did like the first sex
scene with Halley and Meryl

just isolated, but the whole
weird consent thing was awful.

I wish, it was just kind
of similar to the last book

with the step-sibling element.

I did not need this weird lack of desire

to do the thing, element.

I just wanted them to want to have sex

and then they had sex, and then maybe

they could be like "oh, should we have?"

But in a way where they're
like, "we both wanted this."

'Cause that was kind of a hot
sex scene for a few seconds

and then it just totally went downhill.

- Oh yeah.
- Total dry city.

- Yeah, I think there
were like, maybe pages

of like three for me, but then overall

- yeah, totally a one.
- Yeah,

you were pretty dry?
- Yeah, pretty dry.

It was pretty desert, like.

- Yeah, yeah, for all the
afore-mentioned reasons.

- Yeah.

That makes sense.

- I'm sorry ladies, 'cause I'm
trying to get everybody off.

I want everyone to have a good time.

- It's okay man, it's just, it's hard.

- Yeah, it was a waste of time, but.

- Hey yeah, this was a
giant waste of time but.

- So fast to read, though, when they are.

I mean, I don't know how
many actual pages it is

'cause we read it in an e-book, but.

- Yeah, so it was only five percentages.

- Yeah, yes.

- And then locations,
what are the locations?

- I don't get how we're reading this.

- Oh, I don't know.
- I did notice that as well.

- Library of Congress?

This is in the Library of Congress.

- This will last longer than
we do, everyone remember that.

When we're dead and gone.
- Whoa.

- This is gonna be the next amendment.

- The Phantom's Menace,
the Phantom, not menace.

- The Phantom Menace, I, now I get

why everyone said this
was the worst Star Wars.

- Yeah, it makes sense.
- The sex is so bad.

- Oh my goodness, thank
you all for listening.

Of course you can find this,

if you're watching this on
Dropout thank you so much.

If you are subscribed to Dropout

you can get on Discord as well,

which is our messaging
channel where you can

message Katie, Rekha and myself.

Anything that you liked about the book

if you're reading along.
- And I'll relay

information to Malin.

- Yeah, never talk to Malin again.

Anything that you liked about the book,

any beautiful fanart that
you would like to send.

- We want to see that Phantom come.

We all want to see that Phantom come.

Is it little tinier ghosts, I
don't know what's in the come.

What's in the come?

- Or if you're watching this on CH2,

thank you so much, comment below.

Let us know what you like,
what you didn't like.

And we'll do our best to keep

being better and better people.

'Cause that's all you really can do.

If you are reading along,
which is so exciting

and we absolutely love,
our next one, please read

Vikings in Space, book one, a Viking--

- Peace?

- Peace, I think I wrote that wrong.

Oh, A Viking Peace is the longer story.

Futuristic sci-fi romance.

But the book is called Vikings in Space,

you can find it on Amazon for free.

Trying to find everything for free,

nobody has to pay anything.

We're gonna have some hot
Vikings doin' it in space.

Hopefully.
- We hope.

- Thank you so much everyone for coming!

- Thank you for being here!

- Yeah.
- Yeah, great.

- Great.
- Feeling sexy.

- Katie, say one last
sexy thing before we go.

- Uh.

- Nice.

- Malin?

- Uh.

- Whoa, ladies!

- You're welcome.

- Well, on that note, enjoy, goodbye.

- Goodbye!

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