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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,458 [Maury] Wake up, Andy. 2 00:00:08,541 --> 00:00:11,166 Andrew, sweetie, wake up! 3 00:00:11,250 --> 00:00:13,708 Maury, Jesus. Why are you straddling me? 4 00:00:13,791 --> 00:00:16,833 - I'm just so excited. - For the first day of high school? 5 00:00:16,834 --> 00:00:17,915 - No. - Oh. 6 00:00:17,916 --> 00:00:20,165 For you to stick your finger up Pumbaa's a-hole. 7 00:00:20,166 --> 00:00:23,416 Oh God, I'm so fucked. 8 00:00:23,500 --> 00:00:24,625 [inhales deeply] 9 00:00:24,708 --> 00:00:28,791 ♪ My name is Andrew Glouberman ♪ 10 00:00:28,875 --> 00:00:31,000 It means booger man in Yiddish. 11 00:00:31,541 --> 00:00:33,916 ♪ I'm a 13-year-old pervert ♪ 12 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,666 ♪ Who's gonna die On his first day of high school ♪ 13 00:00:37,667 --> 00:00:38,665 Possibly. 14 00:00:38,666 --> 00:00:43,500 ♪ My only hope is a finger in a butthole ♪ 15 00:00:43,583 --> 00:00:44,833 It's a good plan. 16 00:00:44,834 --> 00:00:46,374 ♪ His name is Andrew Glouberman ♪ 17 00:00:46,375 --> 00:00:47,290 Oh my. 18 00:00:47,291 --> 00:00:49,083 ♪ He's a 13-year-old pervert ♪ 19 00:00:49,166 --> 00:00:53,916 ♪ Who's gonna die On his first day of high school ♪ 20 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,875 ♪ His only hope Is a finger in a butthole... ♪ 21 00:00:57,958 --> 00:01:01,958 Ladies and gentlemen, the Bridgeton High Quee-Choi. 22 00:01:02,041 --> 00:01:04,291 ♪ It's gonna be torturous ♪ 23 00:01:04,375 --> 00:01:06,791 ♪ Thrilling and cruel ♪ 24 00:01:06,875 --> 00:01:09,666 ♪ We're getting yanked out Of our comfort zone ♪ 25 00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:12,125 ♪ We've graduated middle school ♪ 26 00:01:12,208 --> 00:01:14,500 ♪ It's gonna be a whole new clusterfuck ♪ 27 00:01:14,583 --> 00:01:17,041 ♪ Of excitement, pain, and fear ♪ 28 00:01:17,125 --> 00:01:19,791 ♪ Yes, Big Mouth's going to high school ♪ 29 00:01:19,875 --> 00:01:21,916 ♪ The day is finally here ♪ 30 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:26,083 ♪ Some will be cast out all alone Untethered from the pack ♪ 31 00:01:26,166 --> 00:01:27,426 ♪ Scared and lonely ♪ 32 00:01:27,458 --> 00:01:31,128 ♪ For some, it's just another chapter In a world hopeless and black ♪ 33 00:01:31,129 --> 00:01:32,165 ♪ The world is black ♪ 34 00:01:32,166 --> 00:01:37,041 ♪ While some are psyched to start anew Among the outcasts, freaks, and scum ♪ 35 00:01:37,125 --> 00:01:41,833 ♪ Yes, Big Mouth's going to high school The future has begun ♪ 36 00:01:41,916 --> 00:01:44,500 ♪ It means four long years Of stress and fear ♪ 37 00:01:44,583 --> 00:01:46,791 ♪ For the shy and insecure ♪ 38 00:01:46,875 --> 00:01:50,250 ♪ Accept the dread There's no turning back now ♪ 39 00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:51,750 ♪ Can't turn back now ♪ 40 00:01:51,833 --> 00:01:54,250 ♪ We're gonna throw away the drab passé ♪ 41 00:01:54,333 --> 00:01:56,500 ♪ For ninth grade haute couture ♪ 42 00:01:56,583 --> 00:02:01,666 ♪ It's a vicious dog-eat-dog buffet And this bitch is gonna chow ♪ 43 00:02:01,667 --> 00:02:04,165 ♪ They're gonna draw Some brand-new backgrounds ♪ 44 00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:06,626 {\an8}♪ Might even give us boobs and beards ♪ 45 00:02:06,708 --> 00:02:09,416 ♪ Yes, we're headed off To an unknown fate ♪ 46 00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:11,500 ♪ We might not live to graduate ♪ 47 00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:16,916 ♪ But the Big Mouth kids Are moving up to high school ♪ 48 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,791 ♪ Right after you skip the intro ♪ 49 00:02:19,875 --> 00:02:26,125 ♪ Right after you skip the intro ♪ 50 00:02:26,126 --> 00:02:28,499 {\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing] 51 00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:33,958 {\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪ 52 00:02:37,875 --> 00:02:43,625 {\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪ 53 00:02:43,626 --> 00:02:45,040 {\an8}♪ Oh ♪ 54 00:02:45,041 --> 00:02:46,333 {\an8}♪ In my life ♪ 55 00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:50,750 {\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪ 56 00:02:55,625 --> 00:02:56,675 [songs fades] 57 00:02:57,247 --> 00:03:01,040 {\an8}- [school bell rings] - [Jessi] Oof. 58 00:03:01,041 --> 00:03:04,415 {\an8}First day of high school, guys. Now everything we do actually counts. 59 00:03:04,416 --> 00:03:06,165 {\an8}[laughs] You hear that, Andrew? 60 00:03:06,166 --> 00:03:09,916 {\an8}When you snake your little finger up Pumbaa's butthole, 61 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,041 it's going on your permanent record. 62 00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:15,708 I gotta say, this finger plan sounds like a terrible idea. 63 00:03:15,791 --> 00:03:18,000 - I have no other choice, do I, Jessi? - Whoa. 64 00:03:18,001 --> 00:03:19,040 To save my life, 65 00:03:19,041 --> 00:03:22,666 I must slowly jam my tiny pointer up another school boy's rectum. 66 00:03:22,750 --> 00:03:24,000 No other choice. 67 00:03:24,083 --> 00:03:28,375 Uh, why not just apologize to Timon for touching her boobs? 68 00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,958 Apologize? What for? It was an accident. 69 00:03:30,959 --> 00:03:33,082 That doesn't mean it wasn't harmful, Andrew. 70 00:03:33,083 --> 00:03:35,457 Sometimes people just need to hear you're sorry. 71 00:03:35,458 --> 00:03:39,500 Uh, no. Apologies are for cucks and socialists. 72 00:03:39,583 --> 00:03:41,083 [groans] Stop quoting your... 73 00:03:41,166 --> 00:03:44,791 I will never stop quoting my dad's law commercials! 74 00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:47,749 - Uh, Missy? What's going on in there? - [Missy groaning] 75 00:03:47,750 --> 00:03:50,375 You're gonna be late for your first day of school. 76 00:03:50,458 --> 00:03:52,268 - Ow! - Oh my goodness, are you okay? 77 00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:54,208 No, I'm... I'm really sick. 78 00:03:54,291 --> 00:03:57,583 - I don't think I can go to school today. - Really? What's wrong? 79 00:03:57,666 --> 00:04:01,541 Oh, just don't look in the toilet, please. For your own well-being. 80 00:04:01,625 --> 00:04:05,000 Oh, misery me! A bloody doody? 81 00:04:05,083 --> 00:04:06,375 Holy cow! 82 00:04:06,458 --> 00:04:09,666 Dread, it's working! The V8 and carob are fooling them! 83 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,666 Yes, you're fortunate your parents are morons. 84 00:04:12,750 --> 00:04:14,416 Okay, I'll go call the school. 85 00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:15,791 No, Monica, wait. 86 00:04:15,875 --> 00:04:19,041 I call an emergency Council of Parents. 87 00:04:19,125 --> 00:04:20,333 Council recognized. 88 00:04:20,416 --> 00:04:22,708 I think Missy's malingering. 89 00:04:22,709 --> 00:04:25,999 I smell eight different veggies and some delicious carob in that toilet. 90 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,666 But Missy loves school. 91 00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:30,400 She cried when we told her what a summer vacation was. 92 00:04:30,458 --> 00:04:34,958 But she's in high school now. Our little baby is slipping away from us. 93 00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:36,791 Oh, Cyrus, that won't happen. 94 00:04:36,875 --> 00:04:39,208 It's already happening! 95 00:04:39,291 --> 00:04:41,375 First, she lies, then runs away. 96 00:04:41,458 --> 00:04:44,250 Next thing you know, she's zonked out on nose candy, 97 00:04:44,333 --> 00:04:47,791 doing the bum nasty in her sugar daddy's Bugatti. 98 00:04:47,875 --> 00:04:50,708 - A Bugatti? - Just for another score! 99 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,208 What do we do, Cyrus? 100 00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:54,791 We get the truth, dammit! 101 00:04:54,875 --> 00:04:59,375 Missy, if you're that sick, then I think we should go to the doctor. 102 00:04:59,458 --> 00:05:00,666 Oh, uh... 103 00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:04,541 Double down, Missy. Heed me or they'll send you to school. 104 00:05:04,625 --> 00:05:06,416 Of course, the doctor, 105 00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:09,625 because I'm so... oh, very ill. 106 00:05:09,708 --> 00:05:15,750 Yes, I'm quite concerned about you because of that big, bloody doody. 107 00:05:15,833 --> 00:05:20,750 Yes, it really hurt when it came out of my butt. 108 00:05:20,833 --> 00:05:23,250 Oh, I'm sure it did, 109 00:05:23,333 --> 00:05:26,125 because it was so bloody and so big. 110 00:05:26,208 --> 00:05:28,916 [Diane] It's okay to be nervous, Nicky. 111 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,083 It's a new school, with wealthy, attractive children. 112 00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:36,125 I'm not nervous, Mom. So just go do whatever it is you do all day. 113 00:05:36,750 --> 00:05:39,666 All right, first day of high school! 114 00:05:39,750 --> 00:05:43,500 Hold on. Where's Andrew and Jessi and Jay's mom's son Jay? 115 00:05:43,501 --> 00:05:46,790 They're not here, Rick, because I'm going to a new school without them. 116 00:05:46,791 --> 00:05:50,250 Oh God. You don't know anyone here. You must be so nervous! 117 00:05:50,333 --> 00:05:54,250 I'm not nervous! I know Danni, so... Look, there she is. 118 00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:57,625 Hey, girl, hey. [chuckles] First day wackiness, right? 119 00:05:57,708 --> 00:05:59,291 Oh, yeah. Hi, Nick. 120 00:05:59,375 --> 00:06:02,208 So, uh, what are you guys, uh, talking about? 121 00:06:02,291 --> 00:06:04,708 - What's the chit? What's the chat? - Uh... 122 00:06:04,791 --> 00:06:07,458 Travis had a pool party this weekend. 123 00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:09,666 Pool party! Nice. 124 00:06:09,667 --> 00:06:12,082 You know what would be pretty cool in the pool? 125 00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:14,500 If you filled the entire thing with Sprite. 126 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:15,875 - Right? - Yeah. 127 00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:20,541 'Cause then you could drink it, but then also you could just drink it or... 128 00:06:20,542 --> 00:06:21,582 - Totally. - Oh my God. 129 00:06:21,583 --> 00:06:23,290 - You could drink your pool. - Yikes. 130 00:06:23,291 --> 00:06:24,371 [awkward chuckling] 131 00:06:24,416 --> 00:06:29,250 Uh, look, Nick. This is really awkward, but I don't think we can hang out anymore. 132 00:06:29,333 --> 00:06:30,383 Oh... kay. 133 00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:33,408 It's just, with the weird hookup, and the Travis element, 134 00:06:33,409 --> 00:06:35,207 - and the whole Sprite pool thing. - Oh yeah. 135 00:06:35,208 --> 00:06:38,750 Yeah, no. the Sprite pool thing was a pretty big fuck-up. I see that now. 136 00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:44,708 Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm 15, and I don't know how to do this, so, bye. 137 00:06:45,416 --> 00:06:46,875 Fuck. 138 00:06:46,958 --> 00:06:48,208 [school bell rings] 139 00:06:48,291 --> 00:06:50,500 Okay, guys, Pumbaa could be anywhere. 140 00:06:50,583 --> 00:06:53,250 Whatever you do, do not leave my side. 141 00:06:53,333 --> 00:06:54,791 Hey, Jess! Over here! 142 00:06:54,792 --> 00:06:56,749 - Hi, Leah! - Ah! My side has been left! 143 00:06:56,750 --> 00:07:00,208 All right. Hanging with the popular girls! 144 00:07:00,291 --> 00:07:03,458 We're gonna be knee-high in cock pie before we know it. 145 00:07:03,541 --> 00:07:06,375 Loving your first day fit, Jessi. Is that Zara? 146 00:07:06,458 --> 00:07:08,916 Oh, God, no. I don't buy fast fashion, 147 00:07:08,917 --> 00:07:11,457 you know, because of child labor and climate change. 148 00:07:11,458 --> 00:07:14,288 - Okay, bummer. - Someone's got a paper straw up their ass. 149 00:07:14,289 --> 00:07:15,249 - Literally. - [laughter] 150 00:07:15,250 --> 00:07:17,170 Oh no, Jessi! You're being unlikable! 151 00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:18,875 I'm just being myself. 152 00:07:18,958 --> 00:07:21,291 Well, stop that! It sucks! 153 00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:23,083 - 'Sup, Jess? - Oh, hey, Lulu. 154 00:07:23,166 --> 00:07:24,500 Um, hold up. 155 00:07:24,583 --> 00:07:27,125 Wasn't Lulu like a raging asshole to you? 156 00:07:27,208 --> 00:07:29,333 Oh, uh, I guess she was, but... 157 00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,208 She's like a total burnout. 158 00:07:31,291 --> 00:07:35,208 She just gets high all the time and, like, doesn't even shave her bush. 159 00:07:35,291 --> 00:07:38,458 Oh my God, it's like, we get it. You're political. Whatever. 160 00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:40,832 - Hey! Andrew Glouberman! - [ominous music playing] 161 00:07:40,833 --> 00:07:42,643 - Oh fuck. - You want your first punch 162 00:07:42,708 --> 00:07:45,750 in your shitty face or in your little pussy? 163 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,500 I guess pussy? I don't know! 164 00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:48,499 Ow! 165 00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,875 - Fuck him up, baby! - Crush his pussy! 166 00:07:50,958 --> 00:07:55,083 Ooh-ooh-ooh, it's happening! Time to stick your fingy in his thingy. 167 00:07:55,166 --> 00:07:56,666 Here goes nothing. 168 00:07:56,750 --> 00:07:58,833 Hashem, don't fail me now. 169 00:07:58,916 --> 00:08:01,041 Pumbaa! Put him down right now. 170 00:08:01,125 --> 00:08:02,958 Oh, thank you, grown-up! 171 00:08:03,041 --> 00:08:05,500 No killing each other until after school, 172 00:08:05,501 --> 00:08:08,082 when all the teachers have cleared the faculty parking lot. 173 00:08:08,083 --> 00:08:10,333 - What? - At 3:05 p.m., 174 00:08:10,416 --> 00:08:13,666 I'm gonna kill you and lay your carcass at your mom's bedside. 175 00:08:13,750 --> 00:08:17,000 - Later, booger man. - Oh, look at that, he speaks Yiddish. 176 00:08:17,083 --> 00:08:18,666 Oy vey iz mir. 177 00:08:18,667 --> 00:08:21,665 I pretty much looked everywhere. I can't find anything wrong. 178 00:08:21,666 --> 00:08:23,750 Oh, but the pain, Doctor. 179 00:08:23,751 --> 00:08:24,832 [exaggerated groan] 180 00:08:24,833 --> 00:08:27,082 Okay, I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking. 181 00:08:27,083 --> 00:08:28,624 - It's cancer! - [Monica gasps] 182 00:08:28,625 --> 00:08:29,916 You are a smoker, right? 183 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,833 No! Missy's never even had smoked turkey. 184 00:08:32,916 --> 00:08:34,416 As far as we know. 185 00:08:34,417 --> 00:08:37,790 You have insurance, I gotta pay off a brand-new inflatable hot tub. 186 00:08:37,791 --> 00:08:39,957 - Let's get this party started! - Wait, what? 187 00:08:39,958 --> 00:08:43,583 Blood work, CT scan, MRI, colonoscopy, you name it. 188 00:08:43,666 --> 00:08:45,083 Is all that necessary? 189 00:08:45,166 --> 00:08:48,666 Well, you're really sick, right, Missy? 190 00:08:48,750 --> 00:08:49,833 Uh, r-right, right. 191 00:08:49,834 --> 00:08:53,165 - Are you willing to pinky swear on it? - [ominous music playing] 192 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,250 I can't do it. 193 00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,833 In our secular home, a pinky swear is sacred. 194 00:08:56,916 --> 00:09:01,208 But you must. Otherwise, you will be forced to go to school. 195 00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:02,875 So, heed me! 196 00:09:02,958 --> 00:09:05,833 Okay, I'll heed you, for fluff's sake. 197 00:09:05,916 --> 00:09:08,291 Give me that fat little pinky, old man. 198 00:09:08,375 --> 00:09:10,708 Fred and Wilma, Sonny and Cher, 199 00:09:10,791 --> 00:09:14,375 - I hereby make a pinky swear! - [thunder crashes] 200 00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:17,625 {\an8}[Jourdan] Okay, okay. So he's a ten, 201 00:09:17,708 --> 00:09:19,625 but he has a Samsung Galaxy. 202 00:09:19,708 --> 00:09:22,458 - Ew, six. I can't get a green text. - [laughter] 203 00:09:22,541 --> 00:09:24,171 - What are you, my dad? - Totally. 204 00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:26,333 Connie, are these girls kind of basic? 205 00:09:26,416 --> 00:09:30,041 Yeah, Leah's cool, but her friends are not good. 206 00:09:30,125 --> 00:09:33,000 But I guess this is my group now? 207 00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:37,250 I mean, Matthew's got the Quee-Choi, Jay's got his basement dwellers. 208 00:09:37,333 --> 00:09:41,208 And Lola's sitting at the 21 Jump Street table? 209 00:09:41,291 --> 00:09:45,291 All right, all right. What if she's a ten, but she don't like Billy Joel? 210 00:09:45,375 --> 00:09:46,791 - Two. - Ooh, zero. 211 00:09:46,875 --> 00:09:48,916 She sounds like an uptown bitch. 212 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,541 Okay, see, now, that's more my vibe. 213 00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:54,975 - The weed people? - Well, Lulu and her friends. 214 00:09:55,041 --> 00:09:58,875 I don't know, Lola's crew seems pretty young and hip. 215 00:09:58,958 --> 00:10:01,041 Hey, Lola, teen to teen, 216 00:10:01,125 --> 00:10:03,875 how come my wife and me ain't had no sex since Easter? 217 00:10:04,458 --> 00:10:06,458 [panicked breaths] How did I get here? 218 00:10:06,541 --> 00:10:08,541 When did my life go so fucking wrong? 219 00:10:08,625 --> 00:10:12,541 Who cares? How do we get out of this mess before your pussy gets punched? 220 00:10:12,625 --> 00:10:15,166 So many poor choices. Perverted mistakes. 221 00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:17,625 Now I'm never gonna get eaten out in Tuscany. 222 00:10:17,708 --> 00:10:19,291 - Ow! - Don't you dare say that! 223 00:10:19,375 --> 00:10:21,041 Oh God. [groans] 224 00:10:21,125 --> 00:10:22,541 I think I'm gonna barf. 225 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:25,666 Okay, I feel better now having some of it... 226 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,958 [retching] 227 00:10:28,791 --> 00:10:31,875 Jesus, Andrew. When did you eat a grown man? 228 00:10:31,876 --> 00:10:32,874 Ah! 229 00:10:32,875 --> 00:10:34,375 What the fuck? 230 00:10:35,250 --> 00:10:36,875 Who the hell is this guy? 231 00:10:36,958 --> 00:10:39,250 I'm you from the future. 232 00:10:39,333 --> 00:10:42,166 Oh my God, I look terrible in the future. 233 00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,833 No, no, not you. 234 00:10:43,916 --> 00:10:45,000 I'm him. 235 00:10:45,083 --> 00:10:46,416 Oh, phew. 236 00:10:46,417 --> 00:10:49,249 I really dodged a bullet there, huh, Andrew? [chuckles] 237 00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:50,666 [laughter] 238 00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,416 Oh my God, Trav. 239 00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:54,708 Oh, I'm such a fucking loser. 240 00:10:54,791 --> 00:10:58,833 Oh, it's so hard to fit in at a new school, isn't it? 241 00:10:58,916 --> 00:11:00,375 I'm... I'm sorry, who are you? 242 00:11:00,458 --> 00:11:02,750 I'm the librarian, sweetheart. 243 00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:04,500 Ms. Cornhill. 244 00:11:04,583 --> 00:11:06,708 I saw you here all alone, 245 00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:08,958 so gentle, so sad. 246 00:11:09,041 --> 00:11:11,708 Yeah, it's been a... it's been a pretty tough first day. 247 00:11:11,791 --> 00:11:14,125 I know, love. I know. 248 00:11:14,208 --> 00:11:17,750 Why don't you come with me? I've got just the place for ya. 249 00:11:17,833 --> 00:11:21,416 - Really? - Yes. Take my trembling, ice-cold hand, 250 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:24,125 and feel how paper-thin my skin is. 251 00:11:24,126 --> 00:11:25,249 Okay, yeah. 252 00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:26,916 I'm on blood thinners. 253 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:30,625 {\an8}Don't believe me? Look, it's right here on the left foot. 254 00:11:30,708 --> 00:11:33,083 A wart that looks just like... 255 00:11:33,166 --> 00:11:35,583 A young Tom Colicchio. 256 00:11:35,666 --> 00:11:38,416 He's me, Maury. He's definitely me. 257 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,333 Okay, so... so why are you here? 258 00:11:40,416 --> 00:11:43,208 - Because of this. - Oh God. 259 00:11:43,291 --> 00:11:46,666 On this very day, at 3:09 p.m., 260 00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:48,083 the boy, Pumbaa, 261 00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:52,125 snapped off this finger with a flex of his sphincter. 262 00:11:52,208 --> 00:11:54,166 My fingy? His sphincty? 263 00:11:54,250 --> 00:11:55,583 There's more! Shut up! 264 00:11:55,666 --> 00:11:58,750 It sets off a catastrophic chain of events 265 00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:02,541 that ruins our already rotten life forever. 266 00:12:02,625 --> 00:12:04,975 - But I'm fine, right? - Maury, let him finish! 267 00:12:05,041 --> 00:12:08,958 You'll become a pariah known as "Little Boy Stink Finger." 268 00:12:08,959 --> 00:12:10,040 Oh God. 269 00:12:10,041 --> 00:12:12,541 You are a penniless, unloved, 270 00:12:12,625 --> 00:12:15,666 chode-having, 80-year-old virgin! 271 00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:17,041 No! 272 00:12:17,125 --> 00:12:21,708 But... But wait, why didn't you go back to before I grabbed Timon's boobs? 273 00:12:21,791 --> 00:12:24,125 You know, before I was completely fucked? 274 00:12:24,208 --> 00:12:26,708 Uh, maybe 'cause I'm an idiot? 275 00:12:26,791 --> 00:12:29,416 Oh, of course you are. You're me. 276 00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:32,125 Goddamn it! Now I gotta go back again. 277 00:12:32,208 --> 00:12:33,875 This fucking time machine. 278 00:12:33,958 --> 00:12:35,791 Wait, wait, I wanna come too! 279 00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:37,166 Ah! Get off of me! 280 00:12:39,708 --> 00:12:44,541 Oh, come on! Sixty-eight dollars at Costco Optical, ruined. 281 00:12:44,625 --> 00:12:46,833 [retching] 282 00:12:46,916 --> 00:12:48,666 I just came out of my own guts. 283 00:12:48,750 --> 00:12:51,208 What the hell? Are you me? 284 00:12:51,291 --> 00:12:53,875 - Move out of the way, dumbass! - [grunts] 285 00:12:53,958 --> 00:12:55,875 [suspenseful music playing] 286 00:12:56,583 --> 00:12:58,125 Oh, this rocks. 287 00:12:58,208 --> 00:12:59,958 Ew! You fucking creep! 288 00:12:59,959 --> 00:13:02,749 Hey! Get your fucking hands off my girlfriend's tits! 289 00:13:02,750 --> 00:13:03,800 - We did it! - Yes! 290 00:13:03,875 --> 00:13:06,416 He's gonna kill Lump now instead of me. 291 00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:07,750 We fixed history! 292 00:13:07,833 --> 00:13:11,375 We could have gone anywhere in time, and this is what we did. 293 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,500 No, it can't be! My fingy should've grown back. 294 00:13:14,583 --> 00:13:16,375 So, uh, we didn't change anything? 295 00:13:16,458 --> 00:13:19,625 So this must not be the moment where my life went off the rails. 296 00:13:19,708 --> 00:13:22,291 - No shit. You're way too late. - Fuck! 297 00:13:22,375 --> 00:13:24,208 Our life went off the rails when... 298 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:29,458 All right, I'm gonna yoidle my doidle for Zayde. 299 00:13:29,541 --> 00:13:31,250 - [retching] - Aah! 300 00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:34,625 - Dead Zayde! - What the... Who are all you me's? 301 00:13:34,708 --> 00:13:36,541 - We're you. - From the future. 302 00:13:36,625 --> 00:13:39,750 Oh, so that's what this is. 303 00:13:39,833 --> 00:13:43,791 It's like a sci-fi, time travel thingy with a whole bunch of Andrews. 304 00:13:43,792 --> 00:13:45,624 I was like, "Where are the going with this?" 305 00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,855 Very cool, very cool. Well, that's exciting. 306 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,050 [sighs] 307 00:13:50,416 --> 00:13:53,500 Hey, what up, weed people? 308 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:56,750 Anybody got some, uh, green for mama? [chuckles] 309 00:13:56,833 --> 00:13:58,000 Sorry, are you "mama"? 310 00:13:58,083 --> 00:14:01,708 Um, yes. [chuckles] In this scenario, I am mama. 311 00:14:01,791 --> 00:14:02,841 - [laughter] - Yes. 312 00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:04,166 Well, okay, mama. 313 00:14:04,250 --> 00:14:06,791 Thanks. It's, uh, been kind of a rough first day. 314 00:14:06,875 --> 00:14:09,375 - Yeah, school sucks. - Everyone's an idiot. 315 00:14:09,458 --> 00:14:13,250 My bio teacher says global warming is a coincidence. 316 00:14:13,251 --> 00:14:14,290 [inhales] Yikes. 317 00:14:14,291 --> 00:14:16,583 {\an8}He probably believes in clean coal too. 318 00:14:16,666 --> 00:14:19,833 {\an8}It's like my man Camus says, "People suck." 319 00:14:19,916 --> 00:14:23,250 Oh my God, Connie. Camus boy is a fucking dreamboat. 320 00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:25,666 And he's a bummer, just like you! 321 00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:29,374 So, like, why were you hanging out with those dumb fucking girls earlier? 322 00:14:29,375 --> 00:14:31,375 Yeah, you should be chilling with us. 323 00:14:31,376 --> 00:14:32,457 - Really? - Yeah, dude. 324 00:14:32,458 --> 00:14:34,583 - Totally. - All you need is an army jacket. 325 00:14:34,584 --> 00:14:35,957 Looks pretty cool, right? 326 00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,915 Hey, you think the soldier who wore that before you is dead? 327 00:14:38,916 --> 00:14:44,041 - I don't wanna think about that. - Yeah, let's just forget about that guy. 328 00:14:44,042 --> 00:14:45,790 [doctor] Unfortunately, folks, 329 00:14:45,791 --> 00:14:49,499 my accountant is gonna be unhappy to learn that you are in perfect health, Missy. 330 00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:54,833 Really? That is so strange because the pain is so intense. Ooh! 331 00:14:54,916 --> 00:14:56,416 Wow. 332 00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:58,875 Someone call Cecil B. DeMille 333 00:14:58,958 --> 00:15:02,666 because I think we found the new Viola Davis. 334 00:15:02,750 --> 00:15:04,375 Dad, wh-what... what do you mean? 335 00:15:04,458 --> 00:15:07,708 Enough with this Oscar Mayer, bibble-babble bologna! 336 00:15:07,791 --> 00:15:10,375 Admit it! You aren't sick at all! 337 00:15:10,458 --> 00:15:11,625 Cyrus! 338 00:15:11,708 --> 00:15:14,750 - Don't fold, Missy. Heed me. - [ominous music playing] 339 00:15:14,833 --> 00:15:16,000 Dad, please. 340 00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,625 You're a punk teen, 341 00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:21,541 and you lied to get out of school because you think you're hot S! 342 00:15:21,625 --> 00:15:22,750 I am not hot S. 343 00:15:22,833 --> 00:15:25,583 - Admit it! You lied! - No! 344 00:15:25,666 --> 00:15:29,416 You made a mockery of the pinky swear! 345 00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:30,550 Stay strong! 346 00:15:30,583 --> 00:15:32,416 All right! I lied, okay? 347 00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:35,666 But it's not because... because I'm a "punk teen." 348 00:15:35,750 --> 00:15:39,208 It's because I'm scared of high school, Daddy. 349 00:15:39,291 --> 00:15:40,708 No! What are you doing? 350 00:15:40,709 --> 00:15:41,790 Oh, Missy. 351 00:15:41,791 --> 00:15:45,083 I'm scared to be a little fish in a big pond 352 00:15:45,166 --> 00:15:47,791 filled with flesh-eating bacteria. 353 00:15:47,875 --> 00:15:51,791 - Oh golly, Missy. I'm scared too. - Really? 354 00:15:51,875 --> 00:15:54,916 Yes! I'm scared to lose you! 355 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,833 I-I don't want you to go off to a big school 356 00:15:57,916 --> 00:16:00,583 where you grow up too fast and forget us. 357 00:16:00,666 --> 00:16:02,875 Oh, I would never forget about you, Dad. 358 00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:06,375 - No! - Oh, I'm so sorry, Missy. 359 00:16:06,458 --> 00:16:07,791 Oh, me too. 360 00:16:07,875 --> 00:16:10,291 I hate it when children feel better. 361 00:16:10,375 --> 00:16:16,041 It fucks with the whole thing I'm trying to do. 362 00:16:16,125 --> 00:16:17,458 [Missy and Cyrus sigh] 363 00:16:20,041 --> 00:16:23,333 - [boy whimpering, sobbing] - Um, Ms. Cornhill, what is this? 364 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,875 This is the Sad Boys Club. 365 00:16:25,958 --> 00:16:27,541 Say hello, puppies. 366 00:16:27,625 --> 00:16:30,666 - Hi. - Ms. Cornhill, my seat is wet again. 367 00:16:30,750 --> 00:16:33,291 Not now, Myron! Come here, boys. 368 00:16:33,375 --> 00:16:37,083 Feed me pistachios and comb my very long hair. 369 00:16:37,166 --> 00:16:39,291 - I will feed you. - I will comb you. 370 00:16:39,292 --> 00:16:40,290 [sobbing] 371 00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:42,916 Jesus, Rick, am I like these kids? 372 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,083 Am... Am I that sad and pathetic? 373 00:16:45,166 --> 00:16:47,291 Circle of trust? Big time. 374 00:16:47,375 --> 00:16:50,375 Um, Ms. Cornhill, I have a tree nut allergy, 375 00:16:50,458 --> 00:16:52,333 so I-I can't feed you pistachios. 376 00:16:52,416 --> 00:16:56,750 Very well. You may pumice the calluses on the balls of my feet, Andrew. 377 00:16:56,751 --> 00:16:59,957 Andrew? Oh my God, that was my best friend's name in middle school. 378 00:16:59,958 --> 00:17:03,375 Cool. My best friend's name was Edgar Ramos. Is that your name? 379 00:17:03,376 --> 00:17:05,957 Oh, no, but it's pretty close. It's actually Nick Birch. 380 00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,500 Well, enchanté, Nick. 381 00:17:08,583 --> 00:17:09,833 I-I mean, "hi." 382 00:17:09,916 --> 00:17:12,291 - I'm not French, or smart. - Me neither! 383 00:17:12,375 --> 00:17:14,666 Children, come now. 384 00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:17,250 My tootsies remain heavy with skin. 385 00:17:17,333 --> 00:17:18,483 - Ew. - That's terrible. 386 00:17:18,484 --> 00:17:20,165 {\an8}- [Andrew 1] Wait. Okay. - [Andrew 2] Wait. 387 00:17:20,166 --> 00:17:22,458 What makes you all think this is the moment 388 00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:23,875 when my life went wrong? 389 00:17:23,958 --> 00:17:26,916 You were masturbating in front of your dead grandfather. 390 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,250 But in his defense, his cousin was making him very horny. 391 00:17:30,333 --> 00:17:33,333 Oh, who gives a shit? My fingy still got assholed. 392 00:17:33,416 --> 00:17:36,500 Oh God, we need to go back even farther. 393 00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:39,708 Do not pull Lars out of that wheelchair! 394 00:17:39,791 --> 00:17:41,541 It fucks up our entire life. 395 00:17:41,625 --> 00:17:44,166 Fine. But can we all agree he can probably walk? 396 00:17:44,250 --> 00:17:46,291 - Of course he can. - The boy is a fraud. 397 00:17:46,375 --> 00:17:47,791 He can fucking run. 398 00:17:47,875 --> 00:17:50,645 I gotta put my hand up and say, I disagree with all of you. 399 00:17:50,708 --> 00:17:52,666 Fuck! No fingy. 400 00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:53,665 Stop it! 401 00:17:53,666 --> 00:17:56,333 - You are in public. - This is Trolls World Tour. 402 00:17:56,416 --> 00:17:58,416 Come on, get the dick! 403 00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:01,458 - Stop! - Do not jerk off to Leah's bathing suit. 404 00:18:01,459 --> 00:18:02,957 This is the right hand, right? 405 00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:05,541 - Fuck. - How far back do we need to go? 406 00:18:05,625 --> 00:18:06,958 Shut up, guys. Shut up. 407 00:18:07,041 --> 00:18:09,500 We need to go back to the very beginning. 408 00:18:09,583 --> 00:18:11,125 [gasps] Dinosaur Andrew? 409 00:18:11,208 --> 00:18:12,750 No, no, no, goddamn it. 410 00:18:12,833 --> 00:18:15,416 That fateful day that changed everything. 411 00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:19,291 - Oh God, this feels incredible. - [epic music playing] 412 00:18:19,375 --> 00:18:25,208 I think I've invented something new and fun. 413 00:18:25,291 --> 00:18:27,375 I'm gonna be rich! 414 00:18:27,458 --> 00:18:28,958 - [retching] - Wait! 415 00:18:28,959 --> 00:18:30,332 - Don't finish, you sicko! - Stop! 416 00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:31,383 What the fuck? 417 00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:34,250 I thought something was gonna come out of my penis. 418 00:18:34,251 --> 00:18:35,249 [screams] 419 00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:37,833 Shit! No finger! 420 00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:39,083 Goddamn it! 421 00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:41,707 We're never gonna figure out when things went wrong. 422 00:18:41,708 --> 00:18:44,250 All you past Andrews fucked me. 423 00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:45,916 You all ruined my life. 424 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,250 What about my life? 425 00:18:47,333 --> 00:18:48,916 I'm 80 years old, 426 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,500 and my penis has never known the heat of a woman. 427 00:18:51,501 --> 00:18:53,665 - Fuck you, old man! - You fucking pervert! 428 00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:57,250 - I refuse to pay for it! - Enough! All of you, shut the fuck up! 429 00:18:57,333 --> 00:18:59,708 Don't you see, Andrews? 430 00:18:59,791 --> 00:19:02,625 It doesn't matter when your life turned to shit 431 00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,666 or who is to blame. 432 00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:08,625 All that matters is what you do right now, 433 00:19:08,708 --> 00:19:09,758 in the present. 434 00:19:09,833 --> 00:19:12,583 Maury, I... I think you might actually be right. 435 00:19:12,666 --> 00:19:13,833 I know I'm right. 436 00:19:13,916 --> 00:19:16,208 So let's all pull out our dicks and do a, 437 00:19:16,291 --> 00:19:20,791 one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight-way, all-Andrew circle-jerk, baby! 438 00:19:20,875 --> 00:19:22,833 What? No. No, not that. 439 00:19:22,916 --> 00:19:24,083 Guys, put 'em away. 440 00:19:24,166 --> 00:19:25,666 - Fuck you. - Put them away. 441 00:19:25,750 --> 00:19:28,166 I meant, I can't change the past, 442 00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,833 so I should go back to the present and do the right thing: 443 00:19:31,916 --> 00:19:33,458 apologize to Timon. 444 00:19:33,541 --> 00:19:35,125 Eh, I like my idea better. 445 00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,875 Come on, elderly me. Let's go make this right. 446 00:19:37,958 --> 00:19:43,583 I, personally, am gonna stay here, wherever we are, and do the circle jerk. 447 00:19:43,666 --> 00:19:45,416 - Yeah. - Let's try it. 448 00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:48,541 Ugh, Jesus. Maybe I don't deserve a finger. 449 00:19:48,625 --> 00:19:50,305 Oh well, time to do the right thing. 450 00:19:50,617 --> 00:19:52,582 [laughter] 451 00:19:52,583 --> 00:19:54,833 Jessi, what's with the jacket? 452 00:19:54,916 --> 00:19:58,208 Oh, do you like it? It's from, um, the Iraq War. 453 00:19:58,291 --> 00:20:01,250 - Ugh, one of my least faves. - That's hilarious. 454 00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:04,666 Why is the Iraq War so funny right now? [laughing] 455 00:20:04,750 --> 00:20:07,666 Oh my God. Jessi, are you high? 456 00:20:07,750 --> 00:20:11,666 - What are you, her mother? - No, I just care about my friend. 457 00:20:11,750 --> 00:20:14,375 - Dang! They're fighting over you, Jessi. - Whoa. 458 00:20:14,458 --> 00:20:17,041 - Holy shit. - You gotta choose a crew! 459 00:20:17,125 --> 00:20:21,125 Are you with the burnouts or the basic bitches, baby? 460 00:20:21,126 --> 00:20:22,165 - Leah? - Yeah? 461 00:20:22,166 --> 00:20:25,125 This is high school, and everything counts now, 462 00:20:25,208 --> 00:20:27,541 so I need to make the right choice... 463 00:20:27,542 --> 00:20:28,624 Okay. 464 00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:30,875 ♪...and smoke weed every day ♪ 465 00:20:30,876 --> 00:20:31,957 Are you serious? 466 00:20:31,958 --> 00:20:33,958 - Yes, mama. - Holy shit. 467 00:20:34,041 --> 00:20:36,458 Come on, Jessi. Let's go hotbox my Mazda. 468 00:20:36,541 --> 00:20:38,458 Zoom-zoom, fuckers! 469 00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:39,875 [laughs] 470 00:20:40,541 --> 00:20:43,125 - [alarm rings] - It is 3:05 p.m. 471 00:20:43,126 --> 00:20:45,499 - Time for the scheduled violence. - [all cheer] 472 00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:46,415 [student] Fight! 473 00:20:46,416 --> 00:20:48,874 Ugh, the thought of Andrew getting the shit kicked out of him 474 00:20:48,875 --> 00:20:50,416 is really harshing my buzz. 475 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:54,708 Yeah. I'm so worried I'm gonna laugh, or be like, "Yes, I love this!" 476 00:20:54,791 --> 00:20:56,125 It's okay, my friends. 477 00:20:56,208 --> 00:20:58,125 Though I may perish today, 478 00:20:58,208 --> 00:21:00,125 I shall face my killer head on. 479 00:21:00,208 --> 00:21:01,833 Just run, Andrew. 480 00:21:01,916 --> 00:21:03,833 No, I've got to do this. 481 00:21:04,416 --> 00:21:06,000 All right, everybody. 482 00:21:06,083 --> 00:21:08,791 Who's ready to see this tit-grabbing creep die? 483 00:21:08,792 --> 00:21:10,249 - [Lola] Yas, Pumbaa! - Murder! 484 00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:11,791 Andrew, I-I made it. 485 00:21:11,875 --> 00:21:15,250 I thought, if this is really the end, then I should be here. 486 00:21:15,333 --> 00:21:18,250 Thank you, Maury. I love you. 487 00:21:18,333 --> 00:21:20,166 Ah, hey, that's great, man. 488 00:21:20,167 --> 00:21:22,749 - Give me a kiss for good luck, baby. - I don't need luck. 489 00:21:22,750 --> 00:21:25,458 - I need your hard tongue in my mouth. - [both moan] 490 00:21:25,541 --> 00:21:29,791 Uh, Pumbaa, before you destroy me, there's something I have to say. 491 00:21:29,875 --> 00:21:32,708 Oh yeah? You wanna beg me for your life, you little slob? 492 00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:35,625 Actually, it's not to you. It's to Timon. 493 00:21:35,708 --> 00:21:38,333 - What? - Timon, I... I apologize. 494 00:21:38,416 --> 00:21:40,375 Touching you was an accident, 495 00:21:40,458 --> 00:21:42,875 but that doesn't mean it didn't impact you, 496 00:21:42,958 --> 00:21:44,416 and I'm very sorry. 497 00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:47,083 Wow, thank you. That means a lot. 498 00:21:47,166 --> 00:21:48,916 Holy shit, Andrew. Good for you. 499 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,041 You see, guys, I looked inside myself and learned that what matters is... 500 00:21:53,125 --> 00:21:55,375 - [Pumbaa grunts] - [Jay] Yes! I love this! 501 00:21:55,458 --> 00:21:57,458 Pretend my hand's a dick and suck it. 502 00:21:57,541 --> 00:21:58,875 Do it, Andrew! Suck it! 503 00:22:00,541 --> 00:22:01,621 [Ms. Cornhill] Oh, yes. 504 00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:04,583 This is crazy, right? 505 00:22:04,666 --> 00:22:06,458 I think this foot is dead. 506 00:22:06,541 --> 00:22:08,000 It's freezing cold. 507 00:22:08,083 --> 00:22:10,416 - Mine is scalding hot. - What is going on here? 508 00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:15,000 Puppies? You forget yourselves. There's no giggling in the Sad Boys Club. 509 00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:17,624 You know, Andrew, now that we've found each other, 510 00:22:17,625 --> 00:22:19,875 I'm not so sure that we are Sad Boys. 511 00:22:19,958 --> 00:22:22,666 I mean, I'm a nauseous boy, maybe, but I'm not sad. 512 00:22:22,750 --> 00:22:24,800 - Should we get outta here? - Absolutely. 513 00:22:24,833 --> 00:22:28,375 Uh, Ms. Cornhill, it turns out, we're actually happy boys. 514 00:22:28,376 --> 00:22:30,665 - Proud boys, even. - Uh, be careful there, Andrew. 515 00:22:30,666 --> 00:22:31,833 Yeah, ooh. [chuckles] 516 00:22:31,916 --> 00:22:33,833 - Right. I'm sorry. We should go. - Yeah. 517 00:22:33,916 --> 00:22:37,291 How dare you. Sad Boys never leave! 518 00:22:37,292 --> 00:22:38,332 It's true. 519 00:22:38,333 --> 00:22:39,791 You'll be back. 520 00:22:39,875 --> 00:22:42,500 I swear on my freezing cold foot, 521 00:22:42,583 --> 00:22:44,625 you'll be back! 522 00:22:44,626 --> 00:22:46,540 - [Andrew groans] - Andrew? 523 00:22:46,541 --> 00:22:47,625 Are you okay? 524 00:22:47,708 --> 00:22:50,166 What happened? Was my apology accepted? 525 00:22:50,250 --> 00:22:53,291 Uh, no, honey. You shit the proverbial bed. 526 00:22:53,375 --> 00:22:55,625 And by the bed, I mean your pants. 527 00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:59,250 They had the janitor hose you down. Everybody filmed it. 528 00:22:59,333 --> 00:23:02,750 But you did apologize to Timon, and that was refreshing. 529 00:23:02,833 --> 00:23:05,958 Oh yeah. So, do people like me now? 530 00:23:06,041 --> 00:23:08,500 Well, they hate you slightly less. 531 00:23:08,583 --> 00:23:12,333 Really? That's huge for me. That's great. 532 00:23:12,416 --> 00:23:16,208 Oh, and look, elderly Andrew has his finger back. 533 00:23:16,291 --> 00:23:17,791 Thank you, Andrew. 534 00:23:17,875 --> 00:23:20,791 I can't wait to fish a pickle out of a jar. 535 00:23:20,875 --> 00:23:22,666 You get that pickle, Future Andrew. 536 00:23:22,667 --> 00:23:24,749 Okay, I think we need to take him to the hospital? 537 00:23:24,750 --> 00:23:26,458 I'm very proud of you, buddy. 538 00:23:26,541 --> 00:23:29,458 From now on, I'm gonna live in the present 539 00:23:29,541 --> 00:23:31,541 and be accountable for my actions. 540 00:23:31,625 --> 00:23:33,250 Speaking of your actions, 541 00:23:33,333 --> 00:23:36,666 the circle jerk got out of hand very quickly. 542 00:23:36,750 --> 00:23:39,333 Oh, I bet, sure. Can you elaborate? 543 00:23:39,416 --> 00:23:42,541 Let's put it this way, you're now your own grandpa. 544 00:23:42,625 --> 00:23:43,675 Mazel tov. 545 00:23:43,708 --> 00:23:45,125 [birds chirping] 546 00:23:45,208 --> 00:23:46,416 - Missy? - Yeah? 547 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:50,833 We understand you're frightened, but you have to go to school. 548 00:23:50,916 --> 00:23:55,541 - I just don't think I can do it. - Well, what if we tried homeschooling? 549 00:23:55,625 --> 00:23:56,916 - Really? - Cyrus! 550 00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:00,190 The public school system is failing its students. True, Missy? 551 00:24:00,250 --> 00:24:03,083 Uh, totally. Testing's biased, funding's down, 552 00:24:03,166 --> 00:24:05,666 a, uh, Kaiju could step on the school. 553 00:24:05,667 --> 00:24:06,790 A Kaiju? 554 00:24:06,791 --> 00:24:10,416 - A giant monster! A Godzilla, Monica! - Yeah! 555 00:24:10,500 --> 00:24:15,708 Plus, here at home, she has two of her very own tenured professors. 556 00:24:15,791 --> 00:24:17,708 You're an adjunct, Cyrus. 557 00:24:17,791 --> 00:24:20,875 And what about socialization? Her friends? 558 00:24:20,958 --> 00:24:22,583 We'll be her friends. 559 00:24:22,666 --> 00:24:25,000 Monica, she's growing up so fast. 560 00:24:25,083 --> 00:24:28,416 I miss her cute overalls and her... her headband. 561 00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:30,458 Oh, me too. Me too. 562 00:24:30,541 --> 00:24:34,041 - Please? - Well, I suppose it could work. 563 00:24:34,125 --> 00:24:35,708 - Temporarily. - Yes! 564 00:24:35,791 --> 00:24:38,375 Temporarily, forever, you name it. 565 00:24:38,458 --> 00:24:41,750 It's decided. Missy, you're getting homeschooled! 566 00:24:41,833 --> 00:24:43,416 Really? Oh, thank you, Daddy! 567 00:24:43,500 --> 00:24:46,041 Thank you, Daddy. [laughs] 568 00:24:46,125 --> 00:24:50,041 That's what I said when I saw Willem Dafoe naked in a Gap fitting room. 569 00:24:50,125 --> 00:24:51,791 Mona! You're back! 570 00:24:51,875 --> 00:24:54,458 And you look so much happier, my darling. 571 00:24:54,541 --> 00:24:56,208 I'm gonna be homeschooled! 572 00:24:56,291 --> 00:25:00,958 What? You're gonna be stuck at home without any boys or other kids? 573 00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:03,583 Uh, I guess I didn't think about that part. 574 00:25:03,584 --> 00:25:06,457 Well, for fuck's sake, who's gonna fingerbang you now? 575 00:25:06,458 --> 00:25:07,833 The Amazon delivery guy? 576 00:25:07,916 --> 00:25:11,208 Oh God! We have zero chemistry! 577 00:25:11,291 --> 00:25:12,708 [crickets chirping] 578 00:25:12,709 --> 00:25:13,707 [keyboard clacking] 579 00:25:13,708 --> 00:25:17,249 Nick, you'll never believe what happened at free public school today. 580 00:25:17,250 --> 00:25:18,458 Holy shit, your face. 581 00:25:18,541 --> 00:25:20,291 So I barfed up my old future self, 582 00:25:20,292 --> 00:25:22,415 and he was like, "Don't do a sphincter finger," 583 00:25:22,416 --> 00:25:25,499 then we barfed up all these other Andrews, there was a big circle jerk... 584 00:25:25,500 --> 00:25:28,083 All right. Now, I am ready for that snack. 585 00:25:28,166 --> 00:25:29,916 Uh, who the fuck is this? 586 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,291 Oh, uh, Andrew, 587 00:25:31,375 --> 00:25:35,208 this is my new friend from Cobblestones who's also named Andrew. 588 00:25:35,209 --> 00:25:36,415 [Western music playing] 589 00:25:36,416 --> 00:25:40,166 - So, uh, I hear your name's Andrew. - That's what my mommy calls me. 590 00:25:40,250 --> 00:25:42,360 Well, she sounds like a big old bitch to me. 591 00:25:42,361 --> 00:25:44,457 - Fellas, please. - Stay out of this, sweetie. 592 00:25:44,458 --> 00:25:47,833 Other Andrew, I think I speak for everyone when I say, 593 00:25:47,916 --> 00:25:49,083 time to fuck off. 594 00:25:49,166 --> 00:25:51,333 Actually, I'm quite comfortable here. 595 00:25:51,416 --> 00:25:54,083 In fact, I just took a shit in your boy's bathroom. 596 00:25:54,166 --> 00:25:57,458 Oh, please. I've taken tons of shits in there. 597 00:25:57,541 --> 00:25:58,708 Call me when you clog it. 598 00:25:58,791 --> 00:26:01,000 Ring-ring. Clogged it, bitch. 599 00:26:01,001 --> 00:26:01,999 [gasps] 600 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:03,875 Goddamn it, this guy's good. 601 00:26:03,958 --> 00:26:07,088 And he's gonna be spending every second of every day with Nick. 602 00:26:07,125 --> 00:26:08,625 He's gonna steal my little man. 603 00:26:08,626 --> 00:26:11,915 Maybe. We'll just have to wait to find out what happens next season. 604 00:26:11,916 --> 00:26:14,833 Wait, what?! This is the end of the season? 605 00:26:14,916 --> 00:26:16,791 - Yeah. - No! No, no, no! 606 00:26:16,875 --> 00:26:19,875 Don't go to credits. I wanna know what's gonna happen. 607 00:26:19,876 --> 00:26:21,082 ["Andrew" by Ryann playing] 608 00:26:21,083 --> 00:26:24,124 [Andrew] I gotta wait a full fucking year to find out about this shit? 609 00:26:24,125 --> 00:26:26,375 We just started high school. 610 00:26:26,458 --> 00:26:28,875 Oh, fuck you. This is bullshit. 611 00:26:28,958 --> 00:26:32,916 Fuck this fucking shit. John Mulaney, Consulting Producer? 612 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,333 Wow, he must have great reps. 613 00:26:35,416 --> 00:26:38,250 What do we do, ten a year? What the fuck? 614 00:26:38,333 --> 00:26:41,208 My friend worked on Raymond. They did 22. 615 00:26:41,291 --> 00:26:43,500 Okay, fuck you. This is bullshit. 616 00:26:43,583 --> 00:26:46,083 It can't end like this. No. 617 00:26:46,166 --> 00:26:48,958 Do not start counting down to a different show. 618 00:26:49,041 --> 00:26:52,000 Do not start counting down to Ozarks. 619 00:26:52,083 --> 00:26:55,375 Fuck everyone else. Fuck this. Fuck! 620 00:26:55,458 --> 00:26:59,208 ♪ Andrew, there's more I could say But it's ♪ 621 00:26:59,291 --> 00:27:02,083 ♪ Finally fading away ♪ 622 00:27:02,166 --> 00:27:06,375 ♪ I don't hate you ♪ No, not at all 623 00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:11,250 ♪ But don't write me 'Cause I won't respond ♪ 624 00:27:11,333 --> 00:27:12,383 Fuck all of you. 625 00:27:14,576 --> 00:27:16,674 Chirp. 626 00:27:16,675 --> 00:27:21,225 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 48615

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