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1
00:00:06,583 --> 00:00:08,916
♪ Dirty dick patriots taking it back ♪
2
00:00:08,917 --> 00:00:11,582
♪ We're gonna wash our dicks
'Til the balls turn black ♪
3
00:00:11,583 --> 00:00:12,875
Jesus fuck!
4
00:00:12,958 --> 00:00:14,166
Hey, guys! As you know,
5
00:00:14,250 --> 00:00:16,541
Kurt and I, aka Krumpy,
6
00:00:16,625 --> 00:00:19,791
are literally the couple of the summer.
7
00:00:19,875 --> 00:00:22,750
Yeah, and listening to them
dry hump every day
8
00:00:22,833 --> 00:00:26,291
has not broken my spirit one bit.
9
00:00:26,375 --> 00:00:29,041
Who gives a shit about your spirit?
10
00:00:29,042 --> 00:00:30,040
- [grunts]
- [groans]
11
00:00:30,041 --> 00:00:33,458
But sadly, the summer is coming to an end,
which means...
12
00:00:33,541 --> 00:00:35,500
Party at my house!
13
00:00:35,583 --> 00:00:38,958
Booze, hookups,
someone falling through a window.
14
00:00:39,041 --> 00:00:43,458
It's gonna be American Pie
meets Fury Road!
15
00:00:43,541 --> 00:00:45,416
Be there, bitches!
16
00:00:45,417 --> 00:00:46,457
[tires screech]
17
00:00:46,458 --> 00:00:50,083
I've got a primo fake ID.
It says I'm from the state of Boston.
18
00:00:50,166 --> 00:00:53,083
Ooh la la,
where Ben Affleck's penis grew up?
19
00:00:53,166 --> 00:00:55,291
I like them apples. [chuckles]
20
00:00:55,375 --> 00:00:57,750
And you, just stand out here
and be the lookout.
21
00:00:57,833 --> 00:00:59,750
- The lookout?
- Yeah, look out!
22
00:00:59,751 --> 00:01:00,790
- [groans]
- [laughs]
23
00:01:00,791 --> 00:01:03,375
Oh my God, hilarious wordplay, babe.
24
00:01:03,458 --> 00:01:05,583
- [Bad Mitten] Hey, shitbag.
- Oh no, Steve.
25
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:07,646
Are you still having a psychotic break?
26
00:01:07,708 --> 00:01:11,500
Yeah, the Bad Mitten's got me drinking
this funny tasting soda.
27
00:01:11,583 --> 00:01:14,291
- I don't know what to do.
- [groans] Me neither.
28
00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:16,875
Lola and Kurt
are throwing a rager tonight,
29
00:01:16,876 --> 00:01:19,374
and I'm gonna have to pretend
in front of everybody
30
00:01:19,375 --> 00:01:21,458
that I'm, like, super happy for them.
31
00:01:21,459 --> 00:01:23,082
[Bad Mitten] Hear that, Thunderhead?
32
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,374
They're throwing a party,
and you're not invited.
33
00:01:25,375 --> 00:01:27,250
What? No, no, that's not true.
34
00:01:27,251 --> 00:01:30,332
I think everyone would love to party
with their adult gym teacher.
35
00:01:30,333 --> 00:01:34,083
[Bad Mitten] Fuck off! We're not going
to some bullshit kids party.
36
00:01:34,166 --> 00:01:36,083
Told you my fake ID would work.
37
00:01:36,166 --> 00:01:38,625
To be fair,
it is the worst liquor store in town.
38
00:01:38,708 --> 00:01:40,833
The clerk is a straight-up cat.
39
00:01:40,916 --> 00:01:43,250
Let's get wasted
and fill my house with barf!
40
00:01:43,251 --> 00:01:44,582
- Wait, guys!
- [tires screech]
41
00:01:44,583 --> 00:01:46,541
- High school party!
- Wait!
42
00:01:46,625 --> 00:01:49,875
Everyone is getting fingered, baby!
43
00:01:49,958 --> 00:01:52,083
["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing]
44
00:01:52,166 --> 00:01:57,708
♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
45
00:02:01,625 --> 00:02:07,333
♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
46
00:02:07,334 --> 00:02:08,790
♪ Oh ♪
47
00:02:08,791 --> 00:02:10,083
♪ In my life ♪
48
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:14,541
♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
49
00:02:19,375 --> 00:02:20,425
[songs fades]
50
00:02:22,958 --> 00:02:25,000
[Missy groans] I'm a little nervous.
51
00:02:25,083 --> 00:02:28,625
This is a real high school party,
with real high school kids!
52
00:02:28,708 --> 00:02:31,333
Babe, hold my legs
while I suck off this keg!
53
00:02:31,416 --> 00:02:34,166
Oh, sweetie, your skills are stupefying.
54
00:02:34,250 --> 00:02:37,000
I've hitched my wagon to such a star.
55
00:02:37,083 --> 00:02:38,173
- Mwah.
- [Jay groans]
56
00:02:38,250 --> 00:02:40,500
- Keg stands? Heinie kisses?
- Yes!
57
00:02:40,583 --> 00:02:42,666
Jessi, I don't think I'm ready for this.
58
00:02:42,750 --> 00:02:45,750
Ew, and there's a urinal
in the living room?
59
00:02:45,751 --> 00:02:49,165
- [gasps] These people are fucking animals.
- That's right, ladies.
60
00:02:49,166 --> 00:02:52,791
Welcome to the jungle,
where it's finger or be fingered.
61
00:02:52,875 --> 00:02:54,666
Ooh, I choose both.
62
00:02:54,750 --> 00:02:57,750
And as freshman girls,
we're the hot new flesh
63
00:02:57,833 --> 00:03:02,708
ready to be absolutely devoured
by the upper classmen.
64
00:03:02,791 --> 00:03:07,166
Ugh! So we're just here to be preyed upon
like wild game? Like wildebeests?
65
00:03:07,167 --> 00:03:08,290
Okay, hold on.
66
00:03:08,291 --> 00:03:11,041
What if you think about it this way?
67
00:03:11,125 --> 00:03:13,583
You're the new crop of freshmen girls.
68
00:03:13,666 --> 00:03:15,250
You're sexy vegetables.
69
00:03:15,333 --> 00:03:16,541
Ooh, think of it, Missy.
70
00:03:16,625 --> 00:03:18,583
You're like a fresh ear of corn
71
00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:22,375
ready to be plucked and shucked
by big, stinky farmers.
72
00:03:22,458 --> 00:03:24,458
As a young cob on the rebound,
73
00:03:24,541 --> 00:03:26,875
that does sound pretty shucking good.
74
00:03:26,958 --> 00:03:32,000
Sorry, but isn't this whole older guy,
younger girl dynamic sort of gross?
75
00:03:32,083 --> 00:03:34,083
Oh, fucking grow up, Jessi.
76
00:03:34,166 --> 00:03:35,333
Yeah, grow up!
77
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:39,041
I snagged Kurt
with my eyes and mouth wide open.
78
00:03:39,125 --> 00:03:42,375
If anything, I'm using him
to make Jay jealous.
79
00:03:42,376 --> 00:03:44,207
- Wait, what?
- What?! Who said that?
80
00:03:44,208 --> 00:03:45,875
Not me, bitch. Fuck you.
81
00:03:45,958 --> 00:03:50,208
Now do you think that psycho Pumbaa
will be able to recognize me? Be honest.
82
00:03:50,291 --> 00:03:54,000
- I'm sorry, who's Pumbaa again?
- Come on, Nick. From the season premiere.
83
00:03:54,083 --> 00:03:56,613
I accidentally honked
his girlfriend's hooters.
84
00:03:56,666 --> 00:03:58,125
He vowed to end my life.
85
00:03:58,208 --> 00:04:01,083
Oh yeah, Pumbaa. You look like an idiot.
86
00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:03,125
I think it's the perfect disguise.
87
00:04:03,208 --> 00:04:08,083
Why would someone murder Abraham Lincoln
who has famously already killed himself?
88
00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:10,636
Just don't embarrass me
in front of Danni, okay?
89
00:04:10,666 --> 00:04:12,708
I think I have a shot with her tonight.
90
00:04:12,791 --> 00:04:14,833
I thought you guys were "just friends."
91
00:04:14,916 --> 00:04:16,541
For now, but I'm laying in wait,
92
00:04:16,625 --> 00:04:20,416
and methinks in time,
the friend will become the lover.
93
00:04:20,417 --> 00:04:21,415
Boo! Bitch ass.
94
00:04:21,416 --> 00:04:23,406
- Jesus!
- Oh, my nuts went into my tummy.
95
00:04:23,416 --> 00:04:26,291
Nick Birch, this is my friend Erica.
96
00:04:26,375 --> 00:04:28,416
- Hi.
- Oh, nice to meet you, Erica.
97
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:29,958
And this is my friend Andrew.
98
00:04:29,959 --> 00:04:32,374
You might recognize him
from the five-dollar bill.
99
00:04:32,375 --> 00:04:33,875
All right, Party Lincoln.
100
00:04:33,958 --> 00:04:35,333
Oh, I, uh... [chuckles]
101
00:04:35,416 --> 00:04:38,500
I didn't know Danni was bringing
a winsome young friend.
102
00:04:38,583 --> 00:04:42,416
Yes, Andrew! Dazzle this teen
with your old-timey vocabulary.
103
00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:44,916
Ooh, "winsome." That means I'm hot, right?
104
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,750
[chuckles] Fuck yeah, baby.
105
00:04:46,833 --> 00:04:49,458
So, are you coming
to Cobblestones next year too?
106
00:04:49,541 --> 00:04:53,750
Actually, I will be public school filth.
Uh, I'm going to Bridgeton High.
107
00:04:53,833 --> 00:04:57,125
Oh, my brother Henry goes there,
and he is literal filth.
108
00:04:57,208 --> 00:05:01,375
Andrew, I don't know why my Christian god
keeps giving you chances with new girls,
109
00:05:01,458 --> 00:05:03,375
but you cannot mess this one up.
110
00:05:03,458 --> 00:05:05,416
I will do my absolute best.
111
00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:07,208
Oh fuck, we're fucked.
112
00:05:07,291 --> 00:05:09,583
Hey, Nick, you can totally say no,
113
00:05:09,666 --> 00:05:12,125
but would it be cool
if Travis came tonight?
114
00:05:12,208 --> 00:05:14,666
Travis? Come here to this... [stammers]
115
00:05:14,750 --> 00:05:17,625
Yeah, I would lo...
I would love to hang with the T-man. Trav.
116
00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:19,500
You're the best. I'll let him know.
117
00:05:19,501 --> 00:05:22,499
This sucks. I thought I was gonna have
Danni all to myself tonight.
118
00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:26,000
Yeah, and I thought
I was gonna get more compliments
119
00:05:26,083 --> 00:05:28,750
on my new chambray shirt. Hint, hint.
120
00:05:28,833 --> 00:05:31,833
[Bad Mitten] Look at those
snot-nosed brats having fun.
121
00:05:31,916 --> 00:05:34,416
They're all glad to be rid of you forever.
122
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:36,041
- Steve?
- Huh?
123
00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:38,791
I was just taking an outside nap.
124
00:05:38,875 --> 00:05:41,166
I didn't know you were here.
125
00:05:41,250 --> 00:05:45,041
[Bad Mitten] Lady, what you don't know
could fill your cavernous twat.
126
00:05:45,125 --> 00:05:47,625
- Steve!
- Ah, I'm sorry, Jay's Mom.
127
00:05:47,708 --> 00:05:50,250
You've never spoken to me that way.
128
00:05:50,251 --> 00:05:52,207
[Bad Mittens]
That's because I'm not Steve,
129
00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:54,208
I'm a bad fucking mitten.
130
00:05:54,291 --> 00:05:56,916
You are a naughty mitten,
131
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,833
and I know exactly what to do with you.
132
00:05:59,916 --> 00:06:02,416
- All right, I'll fuck your brains out.
- Oh.
133
00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:04,500
But I ain't sleeping over.
134
00:06:04,501 --> 00:06:06,582
- [chuckles]
- So I'm in the headmaster's office
135
00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:10,375
lying through my teeth
about taking this rando's phone.
136
00:06:10,458 --> 00:06:12,583
And I'm fully fake crying.
137
00:06:12,666 --> 00:06:13,958
- [laughs]
- Oh my God.
138
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:16,541
- Teresa must have been shitting herself.
- Ha ha.
139
00:06:16,625 --> 00:06:18,333
And you shouldn't do that, right?
140
00:06:18,416 --> 00:06:22,166
- Good job, Andrew. Way to get in there.
- Attention, dinks and donks.
141
00:06:22,250 --> 00:06:25,666
Flip cup tournament in the garage
starting right fucking now.
142
00:06:25,750 --> 00:06:28,340
Hey, Party Lincoln,
you ever play flip cup before?
143
00:06:28,375 --> 00:06:30,041
Technically, no,
144
00:06:30,125 --> 00:06:32,583
but I am a natural athlete
and a fast learner.
145
00:06:32,666 --> 00:06:34,791
- And such a good liar.
- Oh, thank you, Nick.
146
00:06:34,792 --> 00:06:35,999
- Let's go.
- Whoa, okay.
147
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,999
So, something I should tell you
about Jay's house,
148
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,416
if you see a Triscuit
with vanilla frosting, it's, uh...
149
00:06:41,417 --> 00:06:42,499
it's not frosting.
150
00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:43,999
- [phone vibrates]
- Sorry, I should...
151
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,770
Oh yeah, sure,
it's actually a very disgusting story,
152
00:06:46,791 --> 00:06:48,471
but totally, no, check your texts.
153
00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:50,250
Damn!
154
00:06:50,333 --> 00:06:53,125
Why do lazy teenage boys
still get to have abs?
155
00:06:53,208 --> 00:06:56,083
Damn is right. It's definitely on tonight.
156
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:58,625
- Send him back a picture of your feet.
- My feet?
157
00:06:58,626 --> 00:07:00,999
Yeah, girl.
Feet are more original than titties,
158
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,770
and let's be honest,
your titties are teeny tiny tatas.
159
00:07:03,833 --> 00:07:05,750
- Hey!
- Now those toes...
160
00:07:05,833 --> 00:07:10,666
Holy moly, that's a hog load of fireworks.
Ooh, but these Triscuits look pretty good.
161
00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:13,583
Oh, I would not eat those if I were you.
162
00:07:13,666 --> 00:07:16,436
Oh, I was just, uh,
looking for something to drink that...
163
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:18,791
Doesn't have alcohol? I got you.
164
00:07:18,875 --> 00:07:20,791
Ooh la la, pamplemousse.
165
00:07:20,792 --> 00:07:24,332
Somebody knows their sparkling waters.
I'm impressed. That's incredible.
166
00:07:24,333 --> 00:07:27,000
Now take a big chug and belch in his face.
167
00:07:27,083 --> 00:07:30,833
So, you don't think it's lame
that I'm a teetotaler?
168
00:07:30,916 --> 00:07:33,866
Hey, there's absolutely nothing wrong
with not drinking.
169
00:07:33,867 --> 00:07:36,124
I actually partied too hard
sophomore year,
170
00:07:36,125 --> 00:07:38,832
and I felt like it was keeping me
from getting close to people.
171
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:43,000
Oh, wow. That's, like, so mature.
Thank you.
172
00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:46,541
I'm Owen, by the way.
You must be one of the incoming freshmen.
173
00:07:46,542 --> 00:07:49,832
Mona, could this be the big stinky farmer
I've been waiting for?
174
00:07:49,833 --> 00:07:52,958
- Yes! Let's get plowed!
- Mona!
175
00:07:53,041 --> 00:07:56,500
And by the way,
these Triscuits are divine.
176
00:07:56,583 --> 00:07:58,375
Mmm. Reminds me of summers
177
00:07:58,458 --> 00:08:01,666
eating cum sandwiches
on Prince Andrew's yacht.
178
00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:03,583
Okay, flip cup. You chug it,
179
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,290
and then you flip the cup over
so it lands upside down.
180
00:08:06,291 --> 00:08:07,341
Like this.
181
00:08:08,375 --> 00:08:09,425
- Nice!
- Ow! Yeah!
182
00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:10,916
Okay, so I chug...
183
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,583
[gulps, groans]
184
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:15,333
...burp it into my nose,
it burns, and then flip.
185
00:08:15,334 --> 00:08:17,165
- Wow!
- Oh my God, something worked.
186
00:08:17,166 --> 00:08:18,333
You are a natural.
187
00:08:18,334 --> 00:08:21,249
Has anyone ever told you
you have incredible wrist control?
188
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:25,041
[chuckles] Well, that's probably
because every night before I go to sleep
189
00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:27,333
and every morning when I wake up, I...
190
00:08:27,416 --> 00:08:29,096
Andrew, you cannot tell this girl
191
00:08:29,097 --> 00:08:31,790
that you masturbate
every single time you're alone.
192
00:08:31,791 --> 00:08:34,916
I wr... I write poems about trees and shit.
193
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,500
Oh, you'll never see 'em.
194
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:38,791
That's why my wrist is so strong.
195
00:08:38,875 --> 00:08:41,208
Wow, a poet and an athlete?
196
00:08:41,291 --> 00:08:45,458
Yeah, I didn't know you write poems.
That's cool. You're... you're a cool guy.
197
00:08:45,541 --> 00:08:47,541
[groans] Travis should be here by now.
198
00:08:47,542 --> 00:08:50,290
[groans] What's taking so long?
I mean, the legs are shaved,
199
00:08:50,291 --> 00:08:52,332
- and the panties match the bra.
- [phone vibrates]
200
00:08:52,333 --> 00:08:54,291
And... this motherfucker's not coming.
201
00:08:54,375 --> 00:08:57,445
If he not coming, then you not cumming.
What the fuck, Travis?
202
00:08:57,500 --> 00:08:58,958
Hey, I got you a beer.
203
00:08:59,041 --> 00:09:01,416
I could not work the keg,
so it is mostly foam.
204
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:02,791
Oh, thanks.
205
00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:05,458
Is, uh, everything okay?
206
00:09:05,541 --> 00:09:06,875
- No, bitch!
- Oh, yeah.
207
00:09:06,958 --> 00:09:09,166
It's no big deal, but Travis flaked.
208
00:09:09,250 --> 00:09:13,125
Really? So I guess that means
you're kind of just stuck with me?
209
00:09:13,208 --> 00:09:16,458
Yeah, I guess we're, uh,
kind of stuck with each other.
210
00:09:16,541 --> 00:09:19,011
Well then, here's to being
stuck with each other.
211
00:09:19,041 --> 00:09:23,083
You know, I'm actually stuck
in this chambray shirt.
212
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:24,082
Okay.
213
00:09:24,083 --> 00:09:27,125
The buttons are really hard.
214
00:09:27,208 --> 00:09:28,708
Boy, are you flirtin' with me?
215
00:09:28,791 --> 00:09:31,166
No! I need help!
216
00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:33,583
I mean, isn't it kinda fucked up?
217
00:09:33,666 --> 00:09:37,458
Like, upperclassmen on the prowl
for younger, inexperienced girls?
218
00:09:37,541 --> 00:09:39,750
Honestly, all men should be in jail.
219
00:09:39,833 --> 00:09:41,333
Uh, hey, uh, excuse me?
220
00:09:41,416 --> 00:09:44,366
Oh shit, Jessi, abandon your principles!
This guy's hot!
221
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:47,333
- Oh my God, he really is cute.
- So, flirt with him.
222
00:09:47,416 --> 00:09:48,916
It's a high school party,
223
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,666
and I am not letting you leave
until you see some dick.
224
00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:55,125
Hey, my name's Jessi,
225
00:09:55,208 --> 00:09:58,625
and, um, I'm gonna be
a freshman next year, so...
226
00:09:58,626 --> 00:10:02,165
That's great, Jenny, but you're standing
in front of the living room urinal,
227
00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:04,041
and I really have to piss.
228
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:08,041
Oh, of course. [chuckles] So sorry.
I just keep forgetting it's there.
229
00:10:08,125 --> 00:10:09,958
- Fuck.
- [sighs] Oh boy.
230
00:10:10,041 --> 00:10:12,291
Well, at least you saw some dick.
231
00:10:12,292 --> 00:10:13,624
[Bad Mitten] What gives, lady?
232
00:10:13,625 --> 00:10:17,083
I came up here for tits and ass,
not arts and crafts.
233
00:10:17,166 --> 00:10:18,791
I'm sorry, Jay's Mom.
234
00:10:18,875 --> 00:10:21,583
It's the Bad Mitten. He's just so angry.
235
00:10:21,666 --> 00:10:25,250
Oh, sweetheart,
I don't think you're angry.
236
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,166
I think you're sad.
237
00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:29,082
[Bad Mitten]
You don't know shit about dick.
238
00:10:29,083 --> 00:10:31,791
But I do know sadness,
239
00:10:31,875 --> 00:10:35,583
so I made you a sad mitten.
240
00:10:36,333 --> 00:10:40,291
[Sad Mitten] Oh, Steve, I know it's hard
to see the kids grow up and move on.
241
00:10:40,292 --> 00:10:43,249
- [Bad Mitten] They're abandoning you.
- [Sad Mitten] No, they're not, Steve.
242
00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:45,041
Change is a part of growing up.
243
00:10:45,125 --> 00:10:47,083
[Steve] Change makes me sad.
244
00:10:47,166 --> 00:10:49,500
[Sad Mitten] You should cry
if you feel sad.
245
00:10:49,583 --> 00:10:51,583
It's okay to let it out.
246
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:53,790
[Bad Mitten] That's it.
You insensitive prick.
247
00:10:53,791 --> 00:10:56,666
I'm gonna fucking kill you! [yells]
248
00:10:56,750 --> 00:11:00,458
[Steve] Oh! Oh, guys, stop fighting on me!
249
00:11:00,541 --> 00:11:05,750
Someday, that man
is gonna take me away from all this.
250
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:09,500
Yeah, that's why
I prefer seitan for sandwiches...
251
00:11:09,583 --> 00:11:11,916
- No!
- ...and texturized soy protein for pastas.
252
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,083
That is so wild. I don't eat meat either.
253
00:11:14,166 --> 00:11:16,636
That's crazy.
Just chicken and cheese, of course.
254
00:11:16,637 --> 00:11:18,499
- [giggles]
- I'd love to cook for you sometime.
255
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:20,000
Uh, yes, chef. [chuckles]
256
00:11:20,083 --> 00:11:24,083
Hey, this is random,
but I'm, like, endlessly curious.
257
00:11:24,166 --> 00:11:27,625
Would you wanna go
explore upstairs with me?
258
00:11:27,708 --> 00:11:29,708
Weird Al Franken! Upstairs?
259
00:11:29,791 --> 00:11:31,750
He wants to hook up with you, Missy!
260
00:11:31,833 --> 00:11:35,500
Now, do you want to smoke
his curious dick like it's a cigar or not?
261
00:11:35,583 --> 00:11:37,791
I don't know. That's a lot to chew on.
262
00:11:37,875 --> 00:11:40,250
No, you don't chew on it, darling.
263
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,666
Unless they ask.
264
00:11:42,833 --> 00:11:44,916
Go, Andrew! Go, Andrew!
265
00:11:45,958 --> 00:11:47,083
- Yeah.
- Yes!
266
00:11:47,166 --> 00:11:51,541
Eat shit in hell, you fucking losers!
My partner's wrist is insane.
267
00:11:51,625 --> 00:11:53,416
From poem writing.
268
00:11:53,417 --> 00:11:56,624
Goddamn Travis letting us get all primped
and primed, and then fucking bailing.
269
00:11:56,625 --> 00:11:58,415
I can't believe I wore a thong for him.
270
00:11:58,416 --> 00:12:01,291
You are getting a yeast infection
for nothing.
271
00:12:01,375 --> 00:12:03,541
- Unless...
- Unless what?
272
00:12:03,542 --> 00:12:07,290
Unless you hooked up with someone else.
What about little big head over there?
273
00:12:07,291 --> 00:12:09,207
[chuckles] I thought
you weren't into Nick.
274
00:12:09,208 --> 00:12:12,041
Hey, he cute, he like you, and he here.
275
00:12:12,125 --> 00:12:13,708
Bitch, that's pussy bingo.
276
00:12:13,791 --> 00:12:16,500
Well, we do have chemistry,
277
00:12:16,583 --> 00:12:19,125
and he's got those big-ass lips.
278
00:12:19,208 --> 00:12:21,000
- Hey, Nick?
- Yeah?
279
00:12:21,083 --> 00:12:24,083
- You, um... wanna go upstairs?
- Upstairs?
280
00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:25,791
Yeah, upstairs.
281
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:27,916
Oh, you mean up-upstairs?
282
00:12:27,917 --> 00:12:30,957
[chuckles] Yes, of course,
I would like to go up the stairs,
283
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:34,041
uh, let's... so let's begin
to ascend the steps.
284
00:12:34,042 --> 00:12:37,040
[whispers] Rick, I can't believe it.
Is this actually happening? Pinch me.
285
00:12:37,041 --> 00:12:38,208
Okay.
286
00:12:38,209 --> 00:12:39,582
What the fuck are you doing?
287
00:12:39,583 --> 00:12:41,791
Sorry, I just got so excited.
288
00:12:41,875 --> 00:12:43,833
I got pussy bingo.
289
00:12:43,916 --> 00:12:48,208
Oh shit, I think the keg's tapped.
Is that what straight people say?
290
00:12:48,291 --> 00:12:51,250
Hey, babe, let's make a run
back to the liquor store.
291
00:12:51,251 --> 00:12:53,207
I'll let you sit on my lap
and honk the horn.
292
00:12:53,208 --> 00:12:54,582
- Oh! Oh, sorry.
- [lamp shatters]
293
00:12:54,583 --> 00:12:58,750
But, um, my king,
haven't you been, like, imbibing?
294
00:12:58,833 --> 00:13:02,166
Yeah, Kurt, you've been
"ben-bibing" all night.
295
00:13:02,250 --> 00:13:05,541
[scoffs] Only rum and beer.
I drive better when I'm drunk.
296
00:13:05,625 --> 00:13:06,916
Uh, h-hey, man,
297
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:10,875
I know drinking and driving
is a proud part of Bilzerian culture,
298
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:13,666
but, um, maybe tonight's not a good idea?
299
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:16,457
- Shut up, nerd.
- Brothers Against Drunk Driving over here
300
00:13:16,458 --> 00:13:19,540
doesn't want your girlfriend
to crash through the windshield.
301
00:13:19,541 --> 00:13:21,208
Let's go, Lola. Time to die.
302
00:13:21,291 --> 00:13:22,833
Well, c'est la vie.
303
00:13:22,916 --> 00:13:26,333
This is the price I pay
for being an older boy's girlfriend.
304
00:13:26,334 --> 00:13:28,040
I knew it when I signed the contract.
305
00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:29,415
- [keys jangle]
- [grunts] No way.
306
00:13:29,416 --> 00:13:30,496
Hey, give those back!
307
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:31,708
Give what back?
308
00:13:31,709 --> 00:13:32,790
[laughs]
309
00:13:32,791 --> 00:13:34,781
- Oh my God, it worked!
- Oh, you're dead.
310
00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:37,125
- I fucking hate magic!
- [both grunt]
311
00:13:37,208 --> 00:13:39,458
Oh no! Scanning for audience.
312
00:13:39,541 --> 00:13:44,208
Could it be? The Brothers Bilzerian
are fighting over little old moi?
313
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:46,041
Drama!
314
00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:47,540
- [Kurt grunts]
- [Jay groans]
315
00:13:47,541 --> 00:13:49,708
[Steve groaning]
316
00:13:49,791 --> 00:13:52,708
[Sad Mitten] It's okay to be sad, Steve.
317
00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:55,541
[Bad Mitten]
But it's easier to be mad. [grunts]
318
00:13:55,625 --> 00:13:58,500
Oh no, it's a battle of the mittens!
319
00:13:58,583 --> 00:14:02,541
Oh God, which of my hands
is gonna run my brain?
320
00:14:02,625 --> 00:14:04,083
[Sad Mitten] Let go of him!
321
00:14:04,166 --> 00:14:07,250
[Bad Mitten] If I can't have him,
no one can. [grunts]
322
00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:08,625
Whoa!
323
00:14:08,708 --> 00:14:10,041
- [thud]
- Steve!
324
00:14:10,125 --> 00:14:12,125
So, here we are.
325
00:14:12,208 --> 00:14:14,916
Yeah, here we are.
No, no, no, don't touch the pillows.
326
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,250
Oh, okay, jeez.
327
00:14:16,251 --> 00:14:19,790
No, I honestly wouldn't touch anything
really in this room if you can help it.
328
00:14:19,791 --> 00:14:23,250
Well, uh, can I touch you?
329
00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:26,791
[clears throat] Yeah, that...
that would be fine.
330
00:14:26,875 --> 00:14:28,458
- Ow, fuck. Ow.
- Ow.
331
00:14:28,459 --> 00:14:31,540
- Ooh, you have a hard head. [chuckles]
- Yeah, and a big mouth.
332
00:14:31,541 --> 00:14:33,500
- Do you... you wanna taste it?
- Um...
333
00:14:33,583 --> 00:14:35,166
- Sorry, that was weird.
- Okay.
334
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:38,125
- That sounded sexier in my head, but...
- Yeah, let's just...
335
00:14:38,208 --> 00:14:40,583
Yeah, why don't... let's just do a little...
336
00:14:40,666 --> 00:14:41,716
Mmm.
337
00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:44,333
Okay, okay, what now?
338
00:14:44,334 --> 00:14:47,624
You wanna take those shoes off?
Maybe put your toes in his mouth?
339
00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:49,708
Maybe I'll just take my shirt off.
340
00:14:49,791 --> 00:14:51,291
- Go for it.
- Oh. [chuckles]
341
00:14:51,375 --> 00:14:53,291
- Okay.
- Bra-llelujah!
342
00:14:53,375 --> 00:14:56,875
Now take your shirt off
for skin-to-skin contact
343
00:14:56,958 --> 00:14:58,958
so she knows who the daddy is.
344
00:14:58,959 --> 00:15:01,374
- Guess I'll take my shirt off.
- [Danni chuckles]
345
00:15:01,375 --> 00:15:04,250
[Danni] Oh man, what's going on?
346
00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:06,291
I feel so, like, in my head right now.
347
00:15:06,375 --> 00:15:08,485
Yeah, you in your head
and out of your body.
348
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:10,916
[groans] This is so awkward.
349
00:15:10,917 --> 00:15:13,457
Get back in there, girl!
You supposed to be enjoying yourself.
350
00:15:13,458 --> 00:15:16,000
I don't know.
It's just kind of muggy in here,
351
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,958
and the sheets are crunchy.
352
00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:21,750
Blech! He should have kept his shirt on.
That kid does not have the goods.
353
00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:24,333
Oh yeah. You're the man, Nick.
354
00:15:24,416 --> 00:15:26,833
Now do something smooth.
355
00:15:26,916 --> 00:15:28,583
[Nick] Uh...
356
00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:29,875
- Oh, uh...
- Great.
357
00:15:29,958 --> 00:15:31,916
- Yeah, that's... there.
- This is... Mm-hmm.
358
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:35,708
Yeah, baby. She is putty in your hands.
359
00:15:35,791 --> 00:15:38,750
I don't know, Rick. Am I doing a bad job?
360
00:15:38,833 --> 00:15:40,583
No. You're killing it, man.
361
00:15:40,666 --> 00:15:44,291
I guess I just, like, imagined this all
so much, like, sexier.
362
00:15:44,375 --> 00:15:48,625
♪ Ooh, I feel your body
Go limp and lifeless ♪
363
00:15:48,708 --> 00:15:51,291
♪ In my clammy, fumbling hands... ♪
364
00:15:51,292 --> 00:15:52,332
[chuckles] Sorry.
365
00:15:52,333 --> 00:15:55,958
♪ The scent of cum-stained pillows
Hangs in the air... ♪
366
00:15:56,041 --> 00:15:57,583
You're biting a little hard.
367
00:15:57,584 --> 00:15:58,665
♪ Ooh ♪
368
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:01,791
♪ This night was made
For sweet, sweet lovin' ♪
369
00:16:01,875 --> 00:16:04,083
♪ But you were never part of the plan... ♪
370
00:16:04,084 --> 00:16:05,624
- [chuckles] Sorry.
- [Nick] Mm-hmm.
371
00:16:05,625 --> 00:16:09,416
♪ You look so frail and awkward
In the stark fluorescent glare... ♪
372
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:10,625
[Danni] Oh.
373
00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:13,458
[both] ♪ We're having us a bad hookup ♪
374
00:16:14,083 --> 00:16:17,625
♪ Maybe this was not the best idea ♪
375
00:16:17,708 --> 00:16:22,416
♪ There ain't nothing about this moment
That feels right ♪
376
00:16:22,417 --> 00:16:24,165
♪ Nothing feels right, baby ♪
377
00:16:24,166 --> 00:16:26,416
[both] ♪ Yeah, it's a bad hookup ♪
378
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,375
♪ And now I feel that
Every time I see ya ♪
379
00:16:30,458 --> 00:16:35,500
♪ We'll be reminded
Of this bummer of a night ♪
380
00:16:36,916 --> 00:16:40,375
♪ Girl, you so trapped in your head
I think your pussy gone dead ♪
381
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,958
♪ And if you keep it up
That thing gonna rot ♪
382
00:16:43,583 --> 00:16:47,208
♪ Hey, I gotta go pee-pee
And I'm feeling kinda sleepy ♪
383
00:16:47,209 --> 00:16:49,582
♪ Will you wake me
When things start to get hot? ♪
384
00:16:49,583 --> 00:16:52,375
[both] ♪ Ooh, it's a bad hookup ♪
385
00:16:52,958 --> 00:16:56,250
♪ We probably should've
Just hung out as friends ♪
386
00:16:56,333 --> 00:17:01,208
♪ I don't know how much more
Of this passion I can fake ♪
387
00:17:01,291 --> 00:17:03,208
♪ I know you're faking it too ♪
388
00:17:03,291 --> 00:17:05,666
[both] ♪ 'Cause it's a bad hookup ♪
389
00:17:05,750 --> 00:17:09,583
♪ We're riding out a night
That never ends ♪
390
00:17:09,666 --> 00:17:14,333
♪ And baby, we both know
We've made a huge mistake ♪
391
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:16,165
♪ What were we thinking, girl? ♪
392
00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:22,083
[both] ♪ I don't know how we came
To make this huge mistake ♪
393
00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:24,833
So what do you say, señorita?
394
00:17:24,834 --> 00:17:25,874
[chuckles]
395
00:17:25,875 --> 00:17:27,791
You want to go upstairs-a-rita?
396
00:17:27,875 --> 00:17:29,458
Uh, sure. I-I mean, uh...
397
00:17:29,541 --> 00:17:30,791
Well, I mean, I don't...
398
00:17:30,792 --> 00:17:31,915
I, uh...
399
00:17:31,916 --> 00:17:34,665
- Missy, what are you doing?
- I don't even know this guy's last name!
400
00:17:34,666 --> 00:17:37,541
Smith, Jones, Waititi, who cares?
401
00:17:37,542 --> 00:17:38,582
I do!
402
00:17:38,583 --> 00:17:39,624
I'm sorry, Owen.
403
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:40,833
You seem amazing,
404
00:17:40,916 --> 00:17:45,708
but it just feels like
we should get to know each other better
405
00:17:45,791 --> 00:17:47,625
before going "upstairs-a-rita."
406
00:17:47,708 --> 00:17:51,333
Whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
I mean, I would never pressure you.
407
00:17:51,334 --> 00:17:53,665
We're getting to know
each other still, right?
408
00:17:53,666 --> 00:17:55,833
Yes, of course.
409
00:17:55,916 --> 00:17:58,916
Let me just, uh, go take a quick pee
in the living room,
410
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,916
then we can keep this repartee going.
411
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,541
See, Mona?
We're gonna keep the repartee going.
412
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:06,790
- [girl 1] Oh, pamplemousse.
- [girl 2] Very refreshing.
413
00:18:06,791 --> 00:18:07,790
What the bleep?
414
00:18:07,791 --> 00:18:10,083
I actually partied too hard
sophomore year,
415
00:18:10,166 --> 00:18:13,375
and I felt it was keeping me
from getting close to people.
416
00:18:13,376 --> 00:18:15,332
- [Missy groans]
- Oh, you're so mature.
417
00:18:15,333 --> 00:18:18,125
And very well-aged, like smoked Gouda.
418
00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:21,333
- Which is our favorite toothpaste flavor.
- Ja, das gut.
419
00:18:21,416 --> 00:18:24,000
That farmer fuck made someone else his ho.
420
00:18:24,083 --> 00:18:25,500
- [groans]
- [grunting]
421
00:18:25,583 --> 00:18:29,250
You little fuck nugget!
I knew you still wanted Lola.
422
00:18:29,333 --> 00:18:32,875
No, I just don't want you to drive
while you're wasted
423
00:18:32,958 --> 00:18:35,250
and smash into a telephone pole. [groans]
424
00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:38,000
I'm gonna pound you back into dad's dick!
425
00:18:38,001 --> 00:18:38,999
Oh my God.
426
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:43,083
Walking through a hole in the wall.
Kurt! Stop it! You're hurting him!
427
00:18:43,084 --> 00:18:45,624
Why you standing up
for my shithead little brother?
428
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,975
- You're supposed to be my girlfriend!
- I know.
429
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:51,541
But, like, at the end of the day,
Jay and I do have history,
430
00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:55,416
and, like, I don't want anything bad
to happen to him.
431
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:57,000
- Really?
- I knew it!
432
00:18:57,083 --> 00:19:00,208
Well, if you care about my brother,
then that makes you gay.
433
00:19:00,209 --> 00:19:01,832
And a little something about me,
434
00:19:01,833 --> 00:19:04,416
I don't date lesbos,
I just watch 'em online.
435
00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:08,083
Wait, hold your horseradish.
What are you saying to me right now?
436
00:19:08,084 --> 00:19:10,249
- I'm breaking up with you, Skumpy...
- [gasps]
437
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,500
...and I watch a shit ton of porn.
438
00:19:12,583 --> 00:19:16,458
Holding back tears. Lip quivering.
439
00:19:16,459 --> 00:19:17,540
[sobs]
440
00:19:17,541 --> 00:19:21,250
[groaning] I'm sorry, Lola.
You deserve so much better.
441
00:19:21,333 --> 00:19:22,875
- Shut up, Jay!
- [groans]
442
00:19:22,958 --> 00:19:24,375
I don't want your pity.
443
00:19:24,376 --> 00:19:25,582
- [Lola sobs]
- [Jay grunts]
444
00:19:25,583 --> 00:19:26,633
[Nick] Mmm.
445
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:27,746
What's wrong with me?
446
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:30,875
This is, like, all I've ever wanted,
and now I'm so not horny.
447
00:19:30,958 --> 00:19:33,791
And I have a horn on my head, so...
448
00:19:33,875 --> 00:19:36,916
- Not helpful, Rick.
- Oh God, this is grim.
449
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,375
Uh, so stop hooking up!
450
00:19:38,376 --> 00:19:40,832
What? But that's, like,
the most awkward thing
451
00:19:40,833 --> 00:19:42,041
in the entire world.
452
00:19:42,125 --> 00:19:44,625
Girl, if the pussy dry, you say goodbye.
453
00:19:44,708 --> 00:19:48,208
What? I just pull away from Nick
and say, "Hey, let's stop"?
454
00:19:48,291 --> 00:19:50,583
- Exactly!
- I basically dragged him up here.
455
00:19:50,584 --> 00:19:52,874
I'm just gonna keep doing this
until he gets sick of it.
456
00:19:52,875 --> 00:19:55,040
Fuck this. You can stop hooking up
whenever you want.
457
00:19:55,041 --> 00:19:57,665
It says it here
in the Dickclaration of Pussypendence.
458
00:19:57,666 --> 00:19:58,716
What?
459
00:19:58,717 --> 00:19:59,665
[clears throat]
460
00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:01,541
The Dickclaration states that,
461
00:20:01,625 --> 00:20:04,000
"When engaged in intercourse or the like,
462
00:20:04,083 --> 00:20:08,041
each party reserves the right
to dissolve the union at any time."
463
00:20:08,042 --> 00:20:09,040
Huh?
464
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,915
Baby, you can always change your mind
and stop hooking up.
465
00:20:11,916 --> 00:20:13,000
[sighs]
466
00:20:13,083 --> 00:20:14,958
Okay. Here goes.
467
00:20:15,041 --> 00:20:18,708
Hey, you mind
if we just pause for a moment?
468
00:20:18,791 --> 00:20:21,916
Yes! I mean, I don't mind.
That's... that's... that would be fine.
469
00:20:21,917 --> 00:20:23,165
I'm actually kind of cold.
470
00:20:23,166 --> 00:20:25,040
Yeah, and I'm actually kind of embarrassed
471
00:20:25,041 --> 00:20:27,165
that I don't have an upper body.
[chuckles]
472
00:20:27,166 --> 00:20:29,207
- [chuckles] Yeah, I mean, ditto.
- [chuckles]
473
00:20:29,208 --> 00:20:31,874
You know, it's kind of cool
the way your boy was all respectful.
474
00:20:31,875 --> 00:20:33,083
He must get it from you.
475
00:20:33,166 --> 00:20:35,416
You know he does, Danni's mom.
476
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:40,000
And that's why I'm going to steal
the Dickclaration of Pussypendence.
477
00:20:40,083 --> 00:20:42,041
Oh. Like Dickalos Cage.
478
00:20:42,125 --> 00:20:43,541
National Treasure.
479
00:20:43,625 --> 00:20:46,166
Ugh, Jesus, Jay. Are you okay?
480
00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:48,541
Yeah, my bones will grow back.
481
00:20:48,625 --> 00:20:52,055
I'm like a starfish. I'm just pissed
Kurt embarrassed Lola like that.
482
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:56,625
Public dumping is the woof of all woofs.
But at least she's rid of that asshole.
483
00:20:56,708 --> 00:20:59,041
[Bad Mitten] Just stop breathing already.
484
00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:02,333
Okay, so, um, Coach Steve is...
is, uh, fully choking himself.
485
00:21:02,416 --> 00:21:04,041
No, it's the Bad Mitten!
486
00:21:04,125 --> 00:21:07,125
- Get off my friend, you woolen demon!
- [Steve coughing]
487
00:21:07,208 --> 00:21:08,258
Holy shit!
488
00:21:08,259 --> 00:21:10,624
[Bad Mitten] You're not his friend.
You're abandoning him.
489
00:21:10,625 --> 00:21:13,583
[Steve] Yeah, you're ademdeming me.
490
00:21:13,666 --> 00:21:15,500
[Sad Mitten] And that makes us sad.
491
00:21:15,583 --> 00:21:17,750
What the fuck is going on?
492
00:21:17,833 --> 00:21:21,375
Jessi, summertime is really hard
for gym teachers, okay?
493
00:21:21,376 --> 00:21:24,207
And Coach Steve is gonna miss us
when we go to high school.
494
00:21:24,208 --> 00:21:27,166
Well, we're gonna miss you too, Steve.
495
00:21:27,167 --> 00:21:28,165
You are?
496
00:21:28,166 --> 00:21:31,415
Well, I definitely don't wanna
watch you choke yourself to death.
497
00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:33,166
[Sad Mitten] You see? They do care.
498
00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:35,230
[Bad Mitten] Bullshit. They don't give a...
499
00:21:35,231 --> 00:21:36,707
- [gunshot]
- [Steve groans]
500
00:21:36,708 --> 00:21:37,758
That smarts.
501
00:21:37,833 --> 00:21:40,250
Mom! You saved him.
502
00:21:40,333 --> 00:21:43,375
That was a very bad mitten.
503
00:21:43,458 --> 00:21:45,000
Seriously, what the fuck?
504
00:21:45,083 --> 00:21:48,250
Oh no, it's fine.
My bones, they'll grow back. It's fine.
505
00:21:48,333 --> 00:21:50,923
I feel like we could have
just taken the mitten off?
506
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,125
So, uh, what do you guys wanna do now?
507
00:21:53,208 --> 00:21:57,000
You guys wanna go to Virgin Megastore,
pick out some CDs, get an Eminem...
508
00:21:57,083 --> 00:21:58,375
[mumbling]
509
00:21:58,376 --> 00:21:59,499
[tense music playing]
510
00:21:59,500 --> 00:22:01,625
Okay. This is it, buttmunches.
511
00:22:01,708 --> 00:22:03,166
Winner takes all.
512
00:22:03,250 --> 00:22:05,500
[yells] Go!
513
00:22:05,583 --> 00:22:08,083
- Go, Erica! Flip it!
- [rock music playing]
514
00:22:08,084 --> 00:22:09,207
Yes!
515
00:22:09,208 --> 00:22:10,258
[grunts]
516
00:22:10,625 --> 00:22:11,833
You got this!
517
00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:15,000
[tense music playing]
518
00:22:16,541 --> 00:22:21,708
[in slow motion] Please let me win.
519
00:22:21,791 --> 00:22:22,841
[gasping]
520
00:22:23,416 --> 00:22:24,466
Yeah!
521
00:22:24,500 --> 00:22:26,416
Andrew, we did it! You're amazing!
522
00:22:26,500 --> 00:22:28,000
Me? Amazing?
523
00:22:28,001 --> 00:22:29,540
[sighs]
524
00:22:29,541 --> 00:22:31,875
[chuckles] Andrew, everything worked out!
525
00:22:31,958 --> 00:22:34,708
My Christian god has truly blessed us.
526
00:22:34,791 --> 00:22:39,458
Forgive me, Father,
for I am about to tap that ass.
527
00:22:39,459 --> 00:22:40,540
[tires screech]
528
00:22:40,541 --> 00:22:43,666
Erica? What the fuck are you doing
with that little creep?
529
00:22:43,750 --> 00:22:45,250
Uh-oh, is that...
530
00:22:45,333 --> 00:22:47,041
- Pumbaa.
- [Maury groans]
531
00:22:47,042 --> 00:22:48,624
Wait, Andrew, you know my brother?
532
00:22:48,625 --> 00:22:50,665
I thought you said
your brother's name was Henry?
533
00:22:50,666 --> 00:22:52,833
Yeah, we don't call him "Pumbaa" at home.
534
00:22:52,916 --> 00:22:57,416
Erica, that's the little pervert
who grabbed my boobs in front of everyone.
535
00:22:57,500 --> 00:22:59,500
Ew! What? You're that creepy kid?
536
00:22:59,583 --> 00:23:02,166
Yes, but I'm so much more.
537
00:23:02,250 --> 00:23:04,291
- Get to know me.
- All right, that's it!
538
00:23:04,375 --> 00:23:07,833
I was waiting for the first day of school,
but this is happening now!
539
00:23:07,834 --> 00:23:09,124
- [screams]
- Run, Andrew!
540
00:23:09,125 --> 00:23:10,745
Run for your chubby little life!
541
00:23:10,746 --> 00:23:14,332
It was a pleasure flipping cups with you,
Erica! I love you!
542
00:23:14,333 --> 00:23:15,383
[screams]
543
00:23:15,833 --> 00:23:20,458
So, yeah, I thought maybe I was ready
to hook up at a high school party,
544
00:23:20,541 --> 00:23:23,416
but now I'm thinking
all men should be in jail.
545
00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:25,916
I'm sorry. I'm sure you had a rough night,
546
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,770
but I just watched Coach Steve
get his hand blown apart.
547
00:23:28,771 --> 00:23:31,374
Oh, and let us take you somewhere
a little more private
548
00:23:31,375 --> 00:23:33,333
where we can slather you in goat butter.
549
00:23:33,416 --> 00:23:35,208
That sounds so hot.
550
00:23:35,291 --> 00:23:39,750
Yes, 230 degrees Celsius
for one half hour, two half hour.
551
00:23:39,833 --> 00:23:41,208
[both chuckle]
552
00:23:41,291 --> 00:23:43,208
[Jay] Hey, I thought you went home.
553
00:23:43,291 --> 00:23:45,041
I have to calm down first.
554
00:23:45,125 --> 00:23:48,625
Women get a bad Uber rating
when they look upset.
555
00:23:48,708 --> 00:23:51,791
Well, thanks for stopping Kurt
from beating my brains out.
556
00:23:51,875 --> 00:23:53,708
Uh, don't get it twisted, honey.
557
00:23:53,791 --> 00:23:59,250
You saved me first because you think
I'm, like, too beautiful to die.
558
00:23:59,333 --> 00:24:01,666
You are pretty goddamn breathtaking.
559
00:24:01,750 --> 00:24:02,958
Oh yeah? Well, you're...
560
00:24:03,041 --> 00:24:05,416
Wait, hold the phone.
What did you just say?
561
00:24:05,500 --> 00:24:08,291
I want you, Lola. I want you bad.
562
00:24:08,375 --> 00:24:10,583
No! I can't.
563
00:24:10,666 --> 00:24:14,583
For you see, my enlarged heart
has been torn asunder,
564
00:24:14,666 --> 00:24:17,500
and another boy is not the answer.
565
00:24:17,583 --> 00:24:19,333
But I'm not just another boy.
566
00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:22,083
Exactly. You're the same boy.
567
00:24:22,166 --> 00:24:24,916
And like a crocodile,
I cannot go backwards.
568
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:26,833
- But...
- I must forge ahead,
569
00:24:26,916 --> 00:24:29,458
letting my snout lead me into new marshes,
570
00:24:29,541 --> 00:24:31,541
and occasionally eating a goat.
571
00:24:31,542 --> 00:24:32,582
[sniffles]
572
00:24:32,583 --> 00:24:34,125
Ciao for now.
573
00:24:34,208 --> 00:24:35,333
[sighs]
574
00:24:35,416 --> 00:24:37,791
I'm sorry, Jay, but you know what?
575
00:24:37,875 --> 00:24:39,625
It's okay to be sad.
576
00:24:39,708 --> 00:24:42,583
[Sad Mitten] You can even cry
if it makes you feel better.
577
00:24:42,666 --> 00:24:45,000
Thanks, Sad Mitten. And thanks, Steve.
578
00:24:45,083 --> 00:24:46,625
For what? What'd I do?
579
00:24:46,708 --> 00:24:48,875
Um, text me when you get home?
580
00:24:48,958 --> 00:24:50,750
Yeah, uh, totally.
581
00:24:50,833 --> 00:24:54,416
[sighs] I was right, huh?
Little big face can't get you off.
582
00:24:54,500 --> 00:24:57,375
Yeah, and I'm not even sure
we could hang out anymore.
583
00:24:57,458 --> 00:24:59,666
It's just gonna be so awkward after...
584
00:24:59,750 --> 00:25:01,458
He saw your little tiny titties?
585
00:25:01,541 --> 00:25:04,125
Yeah. And I saw his.
586
00:25:04,208 --> 00:25:06,083
Well, that was super weird,
587
00:25:06,166 --> 00:25:08,833
but I guess it would have been worse
if we kept going?
588
00:25:08,916 --> 00:25:12,625
Hey, man, you can always stop
in the middle of a hookup.
589
00:25:12,708 --> 00:25:17,208
It says so right here
in the Dickclaration of Pussypendence.
590
00:25:17,291 --> 00:25:21,666
Rick, this is
the Declaration of Independence.
591
00:25:21,750 --> 00:25:23,916
Aw, man, I stole the wrong thing!
592
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,666
- Rick! No, no, no! Oh my gosh.
- Stupid thing. Goddamn.
593
00:25:26,750 --> 00:25:29,791
♪ We don't have to take our clothes off ♪
594
00:25:29,792 --> 00:25:30,915
♪ Mmm ♪
595
00:25:30,916 --> 00:25:32,916
♪ To have a good time ♪
596
00:25:32,917 --> 00:25:34,040
♪ Oh no ♪
597
00:25:34,041 --> 00:25:36,833
♪ We could dance and party all night ♪
598
00:25:36,834 --> 00:25:38,832
- ♪ All night ♪
- ♪ We can dance all night ♪
599
00:25:38,833 --> 00:25:40,791
♪ And drink some cherry wine ♪
600
00:25:40,875 --> 00:25:42,291
♪ Uh-huh ♪
601
00:25:42,375 --> 00:25:45,416
♪ We don't have to take our clothes off ♪
602
00:25:45,417 --> 00:25:46,540
♪ No, no, no ♪
603
00:25:46,541 --> 00:25:48,458
♪ To have a good time ♪
604
00:25:48,541 --> 00:25:49,833
♪ Oh no ♪
605
00:25:49,916 --> 00:25:53,291
♪ We could dance and party all night ♪
606
00:25:53,375 --> 00:25:56,085
- ♪ All night ♪
- ♪ And drink some cherry wine ♪
607
00:25:56,125 --> 00:25:57,625
♪ Uh-huh ♪
608
00:25:57,708 --> 00:26:00,083
♪ Na, na, na, na, na-na-na ♪
609
00:26:00,166 --> 00:26:01,666
♪ Na, na ♪
610
00:26:01,750 --> 00:26:04,125
♪ Na, na, na, na, na-na-na ♪
611
00:26:04,208 --> 00:26:05,625
♪ Na, na ♪
612
00:26:05,708 --> 00:26:08,166
♪ Na, na, na, na, na-na-na ♪
613
00:26:08,167 --> 00:26:09,249
♪ Na, na ♪
614
00:26:09,250 --> 00:26:11,166
♪ Na, na, na, na, na-na-na ♪
615
00:26:14,367 --> 00:26:16,465
Chirp.
616
00:26:16,466 --> 00:26:21,016
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