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1
00:00:06,455 --> 00:00:10,624
What do you mean
say the question out loud?
2
00:00:10,625 --> 00:00:13,416
Oh, how do I feel
about graduating middle school?
3
00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:14,791
Not too shabby.
4
00:00:14,875 --> 00:00:18,375
I leave here with a vague understanding
of photosynthesis
5
00:00:18,458 --> 00:00:20,125
and the respect of my peers.
6
00:00:20,126 --> 00:00:22,832
{\an8}[Caleb] Have you seen
your superlative in the yearbook?
7
00:00:22,833 --> 00:00:24,583
{\an8}Oh, not yet. What did I get?
8
00:00:24,666 --> 00:00:27,666
{\an8}"Class Clown"? "Biggest Flirt"? [purrs]
9
00:00:27,667 --> 00:00:28,665
{\an8}[Caleb] You did not.
10
00:00:28,666 --> 00:00:30,541
{\an8}I'm the "Grossest Human"?
11
00:00:30,542 --> 00:00:33,624
{\an8}It doesn't even say "in the class."
It just says "Grossest Human."
12
00:00:33,625 --> 00:00:35,249
{\an8}- [Caleb] The people have voted.
- [groans]
13
00:00:35,250 --> 00:00:39,083
They sure have, and it's unanimous.
Andrew's incredibly gross.
14
00:00:39,166 --> 00:00:43,041
Stay tuned throughout the week for more
parting words from the class of 2023.
15
00:00:43,125 --> 00:00:47,083
And don't forget, our final show
will be live from graduation
16
00:00:47,166 --> 00:00:48,916
in our un-air-conditioned gym.
17
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:53,166
- The temperature will be 96 degrees.
- So please wear deodorant.
18
00:00:53,250 --> 00:00:56,000
And none of that
Tom's of Maine shit, people.
19
00:00:56,083 --> 00:00:58,000
Put some aluminum on your armpits!
20
00:00:58,001 --> 00:01:00,290
{\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
21
00:01:00,291 --> 00:01:05,833
{\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
22
00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:15,458
{\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
23
00:01:15,459 --> 00:01:16,915
{\an8}♪ Oh ♪
24
00:01:16,916 --> 00:01:18,208
{\an8}♪ In my life ♪
25
00:01:19,625 --> 00:01:22,583
{\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
26
00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:28,550
[songs fades]
27
00:01:32,083 --> 00:01:33,291
Nicholas.
28
00:01:33,375 --> 00:01:36,458
Uh-oh, they're using
your Santa Claus name.
29
00:01:36,541 --> 00:01:37,875
This sounds serious.
30
00:01:37,958 --> 00:01:39,291
Parents, look, I get it.
31
00:01:39,292 --> 00:01:42,332
{\an8}I really messed up
sneaking into the city and taking shrooms,
32
00:01:42,333 --> 00:01:44,373
{\an8}and there should be consequences.
33
00:01:44,416 --> 00:01:46,291
{\an8}Oh, we completely agree.
34
00:01:46,292 --> 00:01:49,290
So what are we thinking?
Ground me a week, but after three days,
35
00:01:49,291 --> 00:01:51,761
you give up
and let me do whatever the fuck I want?
36
00:01:51,791 --> 00:01:54,375
- That sounds tough but fair.
- Nice try.
37
00:01:54,458 --> 00:01:57,750
Young man, you're heading down a path
that reminds us of Judd.
38
00:01:57,833 --> 00:01:59,750
And there can only be one Judd,
39
00:01:59,833 --> 00:02:02,333
or eternal darkness
will consume the Earth.
40
00:02:02,416 --> 00:02:05,208
So we're thinking next year,
you need a fresh start
41
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:06,750
at Cobblestones Academy.
42
00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:09,375
That snobby private school? No way!
43
00:02:09,376 --> 00:02:11,582
- We called them, told them our net worth...
- What?
44
00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:13,375
- ...and you're visiting today.
- No.
45
00:02:13,458 --> 00:02:15,541
And I promise you, you're gonna love it.
46
00:02:15,625 --> 00:02:19,291
No, I'm gonna hate it!
I wanna go to high school with my friends.
47
00:02:19,375 --> 00:02:23,708
Yeah! We wanna be
with Stan and Cartman and Towelie!
48
00:02:23,791 --> 00:02:25,458
This is bullshit!
49
00:02:25,541 --> 00:02:29,083
It's true I've kissed my fair share
of slimy frogs in middle school,
50
00:02:29,166 --> 00:02:32,791
but I finally met my prince, Elijah.
51
00:02:32,875 --> 00:02:35,625
With him by my side,
there's nothing I can't handle.
52
00:02:35,708 --> 00:02:38,500
Except maybe
if we had a kid and it drowned.
53
00:02:38,583 --> 00:02:40,833
I can't see us coming back from that.
54
00:02:40,916 --> 00:02:42,583
Is that too dark?
55
00:02:42,666 --> 00:02:45,083
- [Caleb] Yes.
- Yeah, okay, fair. That's fair.
56
00:02:45,084 --> 00:02:46,165
[device chimes]
57
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,541
Ooh, a new email!
58
00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:50,500
Maybe it's a summary
of all your Venmo transactions.
59
00:02:50,583 --> 00:02:53,458
I hope it's a foreign prince
asking for money.
60
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:55,333
- I love being needed.
- [gasps]
61
00:02:55,334 --> 00:02:57,957
It's from Duboise Christian School
for Christian Boys.
62
00:02:57,958 --> 00:03:01,583
Uh, didn't Duboise
put my boy on da waitlist?
63
00:03:01,666 --> 00:03:05,166
- Yeah, behind all da other boys.
- Well, open it.
64
00:03:05,250 --> 00:03:09,166
"Dear Elijah, due to one of our students
discovering there is no God,
65
00:03:09,250 --> 00:03:13,666
a spot in the freshmen class has opened,
and we'd like to offer it to you."
66
00:03:13,750 --> 00:03:16,625
- I got in!
- Yes! I'm gonna shit my pants!
67
00:03:16,708 --> 00:03:19,000
Da boys are going to Duboise!
68
00:03:19,083 --> 00:03:22,083
- Oh no, but what about Missy?
- Da girl?
69
00:03:22,166 --> 00:03:24,916
Yeah. I promised her
we'd be a team next year.
70
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,291
- How do I tell her?
- O-Okay, hear me out.
71
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:29,833
You have a kid, it drowns,
72
00:03:29,916 --> 00:03:34,625
and then Duboise seems like small potatoes
compared to da trauma.
73
00:03:34,626 --> 00:03:35,624
[sighs]
74
00:03:35,625 --> 00:03:38,791
Yeah, pretty stoked
I got voted "Sexiest Child."
75
00:03:38,875 --> 00:03:42,166
I'm a hot kid with no point of view,
so, yeah, it feels deserved.
76
00:03:42,250 --> 00:03:44,208
Congratulations, Charles Lu.
77
00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:47,121
Wishing you the best
for the rest of your sexy childhood.
78
00:03:47,166 --> 00:03:48,916
And... we're clear.
79
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,791
[sighs] Can you believe
we only have one show left?
80
00:03:51,875 --> 00:03:56,833
Until next year,
when we will have 144 morning shows,
81
00:03:56,916 --> 00:03:58,833
assuming there are no snow days.
82
00:03:58,916 --> 00:04:02,083
Oh, Cay-Cay, I'm not doing
the morning show in high school.
83
00:04:02,166 --> 00:04:04,333
I have to save my precious voice for the...
84
00:04:04,416 --> 00:04:07,041
♪ Bridgeton High Quee-Choi ♪
85
00:04:07,125 --> 00:04:09,583
- Okay.
- Plus, I've said all I have to say.
86
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:13,456
I don't want to overstay my welcome
like The Office after Steve Carell left.
87
00:04:13,458 --> 00:04:14,583
I said okay!
88
00:04:14,666 --> 00:04:16,416
[grunting]
89
00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:19,541
Yikes! I guess some people
really love The Office.
90
00:04:19,625 --> 00:04:22,625
- [school bell rings]
- Hi, Ali. Will you sign my yearbook?
91
00:04:22,708 --> 00:04:28,125
Sure. "You look like a Mario Brother,
and I'm gonna miss you next year."
92
00:04:28,208 --> 00:04:31,583
- How come you're gonna miss me?
- Um, because we're graduating?
93
00:04:31,666 --> 00:04:35,125
Oh yeah, me too.
Yeah, I'm also graduating.
94
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:37,666
Um, you're definitely not, Coach Steve.
95
00:04:37,750 --> 00:04:39,750
Yeah, I don't know what's going on.
96
00:04:39,833 --> 00:04:41,875
But hey, as long as nothing changes
97
00:04:41,958 --> 00:04:44,250
and all my friends
stay right here with me,
98
00:04:44,333 --> 00:04:46,208
I'll totally be graduating.
99
00:04:46,291 --> 00:04:48,208
{\an8}- Oh boy.
- This is humiliating.
100
00:04:48,209 --> 00:04:51,207
{\an8}I cannot believe my legacy
is gonna be "Grossest Human."
101
00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:52,624
{\an8}I think it's a compliment.
102
00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:56,250
{\an8}You're the GOAT, Andrew,
the Grossest of All Time.
103
00:04:56,333 --> 00:04:58,750
No, this is not how I shall be remembered.
104
00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:01,916
I shall go person-to-person,
apologize profusely,
105
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,291
and then, years from now,
106
00:05:03,375 --> 00:05:06,166
everyone will remember
the redemption story
107
00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:07,791
of the good boy Andrew.
108
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:10,165
- Are you sure?
- Ooh, I'll apologize to Jessi.
109
00:05:10,208 --> 00:05:11,625
- Jessi?
- Hey, Andrew.
110
00:05:11,708 --> 00:05:16,125
I would like to apologize profusely for,
how do I put this delicately,
111
00:05:16,208 --> 00:05:18,666
just two-handing my schlong
112
00:05:18,750 --> 00:05:21,625
while picturing you
biting your lip in that red bra.
113
00:05:21,708 --> 00:05:23,625
Ew. Uh, I didn't know you did that.
114
00:05:23,708 --> 00:05:25,041
Well, I did do that,
115
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:28,875
and for that, and all my other
unsavory shenanigans, mea culpa.
116
00:05:28,958 --> 00:05:30,583
- Okay.
- I have made amends.
117
00:05:30,666 --> 00:05:32,916
Go forth and tell others
I am no longer gross.
118
00:05:32,917 --> 00:05:35,915
- Wait, is this about the yearbook?
- The "smear book," I call it.
119
00:05:35,916 --> 00:05:38,666
[scoffs] Who cares
what all these assholes think?
120
00:05:38,667 --> 00:05:40,415
After tomorrow, we're out of here.
121
00:05:40,416 --> 00:05:44,333
Yeah, fuck this place!
It smells like a straight man's butt hole.
122
00:05:44,416 --> 00:05:47,000
- [Jay] Gah!
- Jay! Hi. Got a second for me to grovel?
123
00:05:47,083 --> 00:05:49,166
[grunts] I can't talk right now, Andrew.
124
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:51,916
I gotta study for my bio final
so I can graduate.
125
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:56,458
Did you know that humans don't lay eggs?
Ladies poop out entire people!
126
00:05:56,541 --> 00:05:59,311
All right, I'm gonna count that
as an apology. Who else?
127
00:05:59,312 --> 00:06:02,457
Of course, there's the little guy.
You know, your "school husband."
128
00:06:02,458 --> 00:06:06,250
- You know, I haven't seen Nick all day.
- So much to apologize for though.
129
00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:07,625
Oof, should I make a list?
130
00:06:07,708 --> 00:06:10,875
It might be easier if you make a list
of things you haven't done.
131
00:06:10,958 --> 00:06:14,458
- You haven't fucked his dog, right?
- No. Though he doesn't have a dog.
132
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:18,083
Great. "Hasn't fucked little guy's dog."
133
00:06:19,666 --> 00:06:20,875
Okay, everybody,
134
00:06:20,958 --> 00:06:23,791
we have a prospective student
joining us today.
135
00:06:23,875 --> 00:06:27,208
Let's have some
big Cobblestones snaps for Nick Birch.
136
00:06:27,209 --> 00:06:29,040
- [students snap fingers]
- No snaps, please.
137
00:06:29,041 --> 00:06:31,457
I'm just humoring my parents.
I am not coming here.
138
00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:35,375
Well, you do you, 'cause that's our whole
philosophy here at Cobblestones.
139
00:06:35,376 --> 00:06:38,165
- [students snap fingers]
- Okay, again, don't need to know that.
140
00:06:38,166 --> 00:06:39,750
Not gonna go here. Okay.
141
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:41,708
[whispers] Hey, new kid. Over here.
142
00:06:41,791 --> 00:06:44,291
Put a cannoli in my holey.
143
00:06:44,375 --> 00:06:47,166
That girl's even prettier than your mommy.
144
00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:48,750
Sorry, are you talking to me?
145
00:06:48,751 --> 00:06:51,707
[scoffs] Yeah, hon. Do me a fave
and grab that girl's phone for me.
146
00:06:51,708 --> 00:06:54,041
Oh, I, uh... I don't think...
147
00:06:54,125 --> 00:06:58,083
Don't worry, she's my bestie.
I'm just doing a little prank on her.
148
00:06:58,166 --> 00:07:01,791
Oh, well, I'm actually
a bit of an impractical joker myself.
149
00:07:01,875 --> 00:07:03,791
Oh, cute. So you'll help me out, babe?
150
00:07:03,875 --> 00:07:05,500
She called you babe.
151
00:07:05,583 --> 00:07:09,666
That'll do, pig. Oinky, oinky.
152
00:07:09,750 --> 00:07:13,208
Oh, dang, my pencil.
You know I gotta pick that up.
153
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,083
Nicely done.
154
00:07:16,084 --> 00:07:19,790
Excuse me, the visitor kid needs to piss.
Shall I show him where the bathroom is?
155
00:07:19,791 --> 00:07:21,540
- Great initiative, Danni.
- Come on.
156
00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:24,011
- Oh! All right, Danni.
- [students snap fingers]
157
00:07:24,012 --> 00:07:28,415
[sighs] I'm really gonna miss you
when you're at Bible Camp this summer.
158
00:07:28,416 --> 00:07:30,458
[nervous chuckle] Yeah. Yeah, me too.
159
00:07:30,541 --> 00:07:32,221
Well, she's really gonna miss you
160
00:07:32,222 --> 00:07:34,790
when she finds out
you're not going to high school together!
161
00:07:34,791 --> 00:07:36,625
Elijah, you gotta just blurt it out,
162
00:07:36,626 --> 00:07:39,374
and before she can say anything,
pretend you get a phone call.
163
00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:40,290
Okay.
164
00:07:40,291 --> 00:07:43,665
Hey, I got off the waitlist at Duboise
Christian School for Christian Boys,
165
00:07:43,666 --> 00:07:45,415
- and I'm not going to Bridgeton High.
- What?
166
00:07:45,416 --> 00:07:48,040
Oh, I gotta take this.
Hello, this is Elijah. You found me.
167
00:07:48,041 --> 00:07:50,124
But he was supposed to be
our security blanket.
168
00:07:50,125 --> 00:07:52,041
Are you crudding kidding me, Elijah?
169
00:07:52,125 --> 00:07:53,541
Oh shit, she's mad.
170
00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:54,958
Damn right she's mad.
171
00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:56,416
You two better fix this
172
00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:59,541
before I rip off your dick
and shove it up Joe's asshole.
173
00:07:59,625 --> 00:08:01,666
Hmm. Seems like a good deal for old Joe.
174
00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:05,375
I know this wasn't our plan,
but we can still be together.
175
00:08:05,458 --> 00:08:08,750
How?! Duboise is like
four Starbucks away from here!
176
00:08:08,833 --> 00:08:12,333
We could hang out after school.
We could do our homework together.
177
00:08:12,416 --> 00:08:14,500
- Every day.
- Really? Every day?
178
00:08:14,583 --> 00:08:17,541
And, um, on the weekends,
we... we could have picnics.
179
00:08:17,625 --> 00:08:19,958
I do love eating where dogs shit.
180
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:24,041
And maybe we could even
write each other long romantic letters?
181
00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:26,708
"Dear Missy,
I know we can make this work."
182
00:08:26,791 --> 00:08:29,083
"Dear Elijah, it's already working."
183
00:08:29,166 --> 00:08:32,750
"Dear Evan Hansen,
what does your dick look like, mm?"
184
00:08:32,833 --> 00:08:35,303
Honestly, I'm worried
I'm never gonna graduate
185
00:08:35,375 --> 00:08:37,208
and everyone will leave me behind.
186
00:08:37,209 --> 00:08:38,999
Who am I gonna be friends with then?
187
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,833
That ugly little shit-eater over there
with the rock-solid bod?
188
00:08:42,916 --> 00:08:45,326
Hey, what the fuck
are you looking at, asshole?
189
00:08:45,327 --> 00:08:47,499
[Caleb] You are talking
to your own reflection.
190
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:49,416
Don't you fucking point at me.
191
00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:52,390
Ugh, can you believe
I ever lusted after that rabid mutt?
192
00:08:52,416 --> 00:08:55,875
I do not want to talk shit with you.
Let's finish our work.
193
00:08:55,958 --> 00:08:57,958
Okay, I was just making conversation.
194
00:08:58,041 --> 00:09:01,083
Why? I thought you've said
all you have to say.
195
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:04,208
- Caleb, are you upset with me?
- Yes, I am.
196
00:09:04,209 --> 00:09:06,582
Is it about me not doing the morning show
in high school?
197
00:09:06,583 --> 00:09:07,499
Yes.
198
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:11,410
So what? Am I supposed to do something
I don't want to just to keep you company?
199
00:09:11,416 --> 00:09:13,708
- Yes.
- You stop copying me!
200
00:09:13,791 --> 00:09:17,000
Fuck you, man!
No, fuck you, man! No, let me talk!
201
00:09:17,001 --> 00:09:18,665
{\an8}[breezy jazz music plays]
202
00:09:18,666 --> 00:09:19,716
Okay, give it to me.
203
00:09:19,791 --> 00:09:23,500
Whoa, Danni, "Give it to you"?
Take me out to dinner first, huh?
204
00:09:23,583 --> 00:09:26,916
Oh. Well, I'm sorry.
Pretty please, Short King?
205
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,750
Rick, did you hear that?
She called me a short king.
206
00:09:29,833 --> 00:09:32,500
Congratulations, Your Tiny Majesty.
207
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:33,832
[mimics playing fanfare]
208
00:09:33,833 --> 00:09:36,208
- Can I please have the phone now?
- Yeah, okay.
209
00:09:36,291 --> 00:09:38,416
One stolen cell phone, milady.
210
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:40,791
Oh, merci beaucoup.
211
00:09:40,875 --> 00:09:41,958
Oh.
212
00:09:42,458 --> 00:09:45,625
Yes! I'm in.
She still uses her birthday. Dumbass.
213
00:09:45,708 --> 00:09:47,666
So, uh, what's the prank?
214
00:09:47,667 --> 00:09:49,540
I'm sending a text to myself
from her phone
215
00:09:49,541 --> 00:09:51,124
so it looks like she's threatening me.
216
00:09:51,125 --> 00:09:52,625
- [chuckles]
- Okay.
217
00:09:52,708 --> 00:09:56,416
"Danni, I'm going to squeeze
every last breath...
218
00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:58,791
- [Nick] Oh.
- ...out of your fugly bitch body,
219
00:09:58,875 --> 00:09:59,925
you dead cunt."
220
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,541
Oh-ho! "Dead cunt."
221
00:10:01,625 --> 00:10:04,666
I don't think I, uh...
I don't think I get the joke.
222
00:10:04,750 --> 00:10:06,458
Well, Theresa was my bestie,
223
00:10:06,459 --> 00:10:09,415
but now she's hooking up
with the guy I've been hooking up with.
224
00:10:09,416 --> 00:10:11,083
Ugh. This asshole, Travis.
225
00:10:11,166 --> 00:10:12,541
Fucking Travis.
226
00:10:12,542 --> 00:10:14,957
So obviously,
I have to get Theresa expelled now.
227
00:10:14,958 --> 00:10:17,540
This seems crazy, right?
Why am I still going along with this?
228
00:10:17,541 --> 00:10:19,541
Because she's hot and naughty,
229
00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:23,791
and being naughty makes
your sad little pecker hard and purple.
230
00:10:23,875 --> 00:10:24,925
It really does.
231
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,541
[chuckles] I'm sorry.
232
00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:29,624
Are people actually saying
they're gonna miss middle school?
233
00:10:29,625 --> 00:10:31,333
That's borderline psychotic.
234
00:10:31,416 --> 00:10:34,250
Middle school is famously
the worst time of your life.
235
00:10:34,251 --> 00:10:36,540
That's the whole show.
That's what we're doing.
236
00:10:36,541 --> 00:10:38,833
[Caleb] Please do not break
the fourth wall.
237
00:10:38,916 --> 00:10:40,833
We just had it repaired.
238
00:10:40,834 --> 00:10:43,832
{\an8}[Matthew] Ugh, Caleb is being
totally unreasonable.
239
00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:46,875
I mean, he wants me to do his thing
just to make him happy?
240
00:10:46,958 --> 00:10:50,583
- What are we, a straight couple?
- [scoffs] No, but you are friends.
241
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:51,582
I guess.
242
00:10:51,583 --> 00:10:54,416
Oh, come on. Remember your birthday?
243
00:10:54,417 --> 00:10:56,749
He got you that Cameo
from the Selling Sunset lady.
244
00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:59,166
Uh, Mary Fitzgerald.
Yeah, Jessi, she has a name.
245
00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:00,708
My point is,
246
00:11:00,709 --> 00:11:04,749
while you weren't paying attention,
you might've become Caleb's best friend.
247
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,416
Oh. Whoa.
248
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:09,916
- Lars, hi. Feel my hand. It's Andrew.
- Leave me alone.
249
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,541
I get it. You're still mad at me
for pulling you out of your wheelchair
250
00:11:13,625 --> 00:11:14,875
and demanding you walk.
251
00:11:14,876 --> 00:11:15,999
But great news,
252
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,666
I apologize for that, so I'm not gross.
253
00:11:18,750 --> 00:11:21,166
- Choke on shit, Glouberman.
- Yours or mine?
254
00:11:21,250 --> 00:11:22,541
I'm open to either.
255
00:11:22,625 --> 00:11:24,125
I'll be your toilet boy.
256
00:11:24,208 --> 00:11:26,208
Just tell people I'm not gross.
257
00:11:26,291 --> 00:11:27,791
{\an8}[bell tolls]
258
00:11:27,875 --> 00:11:32,083
[sobbing] I can't believe
anyone would threaten my life like this.
259
00:11:32,166 --> 00:11:35,833
I didn't send those texts.
Who even says "fugly"?
260
00:11:35,916 --> 00:11:38,083
You can see her number right there.
261
00:11:38,166 --> 00:11:39,791
Don't gaslight me, Theresa!
262
00:11:39,875 --> 00:11:42,875
Whoa, dude, she's amazing.
I, like, almost believe her.
263
00:11:42,958 --> 00:11:44,375
Believe women,
264
00:11:44,458 --> 00:11:47,208
especially when
they're super-duper pretty.
265
00:11:47,209 --> 00:11:49,124
{\an8}Is this your number, Theresa?
266
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:51,915
- Yes, but I didn't send that.
- Then let's see your phone!
267
00:11:51,916 --> 00:11:55,333
- I don't know where it is. I lost it.
- Oh, well, that's convenient.
268
00:11:55,416 --> 00:11:57,208
You send me violent messages,
269
00:11:57,209 --> 00:11:59,624
you make threatening gestures to me
in the hallway...
270
00:11:59,625 --> 00:12:01,333
Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a lie.
271
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:03,583
The visitor kid saw it. Tell them, Nick.
272
00:12:03,666 --> 00:12:05,125
{\an8}Is that true, Nick?
273
00:12:05,208 --> 00:12:08,250
Uh, yes. I saw it. Mm-hmm. For sure.
274
00:12:08,333 --> 00:12:10,750
- Sorry, who the fuck is this kid?
- He's an ally.
275
00:12:10,833 --> 00:12:13,083
Well, I do my best.
Believe women, et cetera.
276
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,708
Theresa, you know we don't tolerate
277
00:12:15,709 --> 00:12:18,540
- this kind of behavior at Cobblestones.
- [snaps fingers]
278
00:12:18,541 --> 00:12:21,611
You'll need to attend
anti-bullying workshops this summer
279
00:12:21,625 --> 00:12:23,250
if you wish to return in the fall.
280
00:12:23,333 --> 00:12:26,666
For what it's worth,
I forgive you, Theresa.
281
00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:29,666
- I hope you learn from this.
- Are you kidding me?!
282
00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:30,707
[grunts]
283
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:33,207
- Oh my God, Rick, I think I'm in love.
- [door slams]
284
00:12:33,208 --> 00:12:38,625
Me too. That headmaster
really knows how to lay down the law.
285
00:12:38,708 --> 00:12:40,291
Learn! Learn!
286
00:12:40,375 --> 00:12:45,125
{\an8}Jay! My best friend who is a child.
Will you sign my yearsbook?
287
00:12:45,126 --> 00:12:46,457
{\an8}Uh, not now, Steve.
288
00:12:46,458 --> 00:12:49,416
{\an8}I gotta study for my bio final
so I can graduate.
289
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:54,500
{\an8}Oh sure. You're graduating,
Ali's graduating, I'm graduating.
290
00:12:54,583 --> 00:12:57,041
{\an8}Quick question, what's graduating?
291
00:12:57,125 --> 00:13:00,416
{\an8}Oh, wow. How do I explain graduation?
292
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:04,750
{\an8}Can you do a drawing
or hide it in a spoonful of peanut butter?
293
00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:08,125
Ooh, okay. So it's kinda like the Knicks...
294
00:13:08,208 --> 00:13:11,166
- Cool.
- ...and us kids, we're like Patrick Ewing...
295
00:13:11,167 --> 00:13:12,249
My former boss.
296
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,208
- ...John Starks...
- Inconsistent.
297
00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:16,291
- ...and all those other players.
- Awesome.
298
00:13:16,375 --> 00:13:18,958
Can I be Marv Albert
without the tushy biting?
299
00:13:19,041 --> 00:13:20,250
What? No. No, no, no.
300
00:13:20,251 --> 00:13:22,915
- You're the coach, Jeff Van Gundy.
- Stan's brother?
301
00:13:22,916 --> 00:13:26,416
Because after all those players left,
he stayed behind without them.
302
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:28,458
{\an8}So I'm gonna be all alone?
303
00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:31,666
Of course not!
There's gonna be new players.
304
00:13:31,750 --> 00:13:34,416
{\an8}B-B-But I-I don't want new players.
305
00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:36,750
{\an8}Why are you ademdeming me, Jay?
306
00:13:36,751 --> 00:13:40,207
What? No! I'm not abandoning you, Steve.
I'm just trying to graduate.
307
00:13:40,208 --> 00:13:43,166
B-B-But I'm not graduating! [sobs]
308
00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:45,166
Don't graduate without me!
309
00:13:45,167 --> 00:13:46,207
[sobbing]
310
00:13:46,208 --> 00:13:49,749
Yeah, so, it won't be the same
as going to school together, obviously,
311
00:13:49,750 --> 00:13:52,833
but I am really excited
for those romantic letters.
312
00:13:52,834 --> 00:13:53,874
Sure.
313
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:57,605
I actually might even spray perfume
on my stationery like a wartime bride.
314
00:13:57,666 --> 00:14:01,583
Yeah, I mean, it sounds like you guys
are gonna be... totally great.
315
00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:04,041
Hold on. Why did she pause like that?
316
00:14:04,125 --> 00:14:06,958
Yeah, are we not gonna be "totally great"?
317
00:14:07,041 --> 00:14:09,875
Well, perhaps we should
look into the future, darling.
318
00:14:09,958 --> 00:14:12,375
- We can do that?
- Of course! I'm fucking magic!
319
00:14:12,376 --> 00:14:13,832
You know, I always forget that,
320
00:14:13,833 --> 00:14:16,500
with all your cursing
and lewd gestures and stuff.
321
00:14:17,583 --> 00:14:18,958
When are we?
322
00:14:19,041 --> 00:14:21,291
You mean when are we...
323
00:14:21,375 --> 00:14:23,291
Oh, no, sorry, you did it right.
324
00:14:23,375 --> 00:14:25,458
We're one year into the future.
325
00:14:25,541 --> 00:14:27,625
Holy guacamole, is that me?
326
00:14:27,708 --> 00:14:29,333
So, tell me,
327
00:14:29,416 --> 00:14:33,083
have you and Elijah been doing
the whole "romantic letters" thing?
328
00:14:33,166 --> 00:14:35,875
Well, I wrote him one
about how much I missed him
329
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:37,333
and my heaving bosom,
330
00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:39,499
but then I realized
I didn't have any stamps.
331
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:41,166
Then send him an email!
332
00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:42,791
She can't hear you.
333
00:14:42,875 --> 00:14:46,333
And perhaps you did send an email.
Let's take a look.
334
00:14:46,334 --> 00:14:48,665
{\an8}- New York City? When?
- [distant horns honking]
335
00:14:48,666 --> 00:14:50,250
Ten years into the future.
336
00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:52,666
Sweet bazonga! My knockers are huge!
337
00:14:52,750 --> 00:14:56,291
Right. I always forget
your mom has big tits.
338
00:14:56,375 --> 00:14:57,875
Wait, here comes Elijah.
339
00:14:57,958 --> 00:15:00,125
Is that Missy Foreman-Greenwald?
340
00:15:00,126 --> 00:15:01,207
Oh my goodness.
341
00:15:01,208 --> 00:15:02,625
Missy! [chuckling]
342
00:15:02,708 --> 00:15:05,958
Oh, um, this is my girlfriend, Leslie.
343
00:15:06,041 --> 00:15:07,833
- Girlfriend?
- Okay, I hate her.
344
00:15:07,916 --> 00:15:09,750
By the way, I know it's forever ago,
345
00:15:09,751 --> 00:15:11,874
but I really did mean
to send you a letter.
346
00:15:11,875 --> 00:15:13,124
I meant to send you one too.
347
00:15:13,125 --> 00:15:14,833
[both] But I didn't have stamps.
348
00:15:14,916 --> 00:15:19,250
Has nobody ever heard of stamps.com?!
They deliver them right to your door!
349
00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:21,958
Well, it was so great
running into you, Missy.
350
00:15:22,625 --> 00:15:25,333
That's it? We have no future together?
351
00:15:25,334 --> 00:15:26,415
If it's any solace,
352
00:15:26,416 --> 00:15:29,375
you'll be able to devote
more time and energy to the twins.
353
00:15:29,458 --> 00:15:31,416
Are you talking about my chest?
354
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:34,625
Yes, darling. Tia and Tamara.
355
00:15:34,708 --> 00:15:36,916
Oh my God. Is this for, like, a movie?
356
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,958
[Caleb] No, it is for the news.
357
00:15:39,041 --> 00:15:40,166
Hard pass.
358
00:15:40,250 --> 00:15:43,166
Hey, thanks for helping me
frame my friend.
359
00:15:43,250 --> 00:15:46,916
Oh, no problem. I mean,
we really ruined that girl's summer.
360
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,250
[laughs]
361
00:15:48,333 --> 00:15:51,375
Listen, I know Cobblestones,
like, totally sucks...
362
00:15:51,458 --> 00:15:54,333
Totally. Sucks a dirty man's dick.
[chuckles]
363
00:15:54,334 --> 00:15:55,457
That's too much, right?
364
00:15:55,458 --> 00:15:56,508
...but I don't know,
365
00:15:56,509 --> 00:15:59,040
it might be really cool
if you came here next year.
366
00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:00,165
Rick, did you hear that?
367
00:16:00,166 --> 00:16:02,500
That you wanna suck a dirty man's dick?
368
00:16:02,583 --> 00:16:05,333
No. I think maybe Danni likes me.
369
00:16:05,334 --> 00:16:06,332
[horn honks]
370
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:09,750
- Oh fuck, that's my ride.
- Well, you should text me sometime.
371
00:16:09,751 --> 00:16:12,832
Totally, but it'd be hard to text you
since I don't have your number.
372
00:16:12,833 --> 00:16:14,875
Or your phone.
373
00:16:14,876 --> 00:16:16,082
{\an8}- [laughs]
- Oh!
374
00:16:16,083 --> 00:16:17,582
{\an8}See you later, Nick Birch.
375
00:16:17,583 --> 00:16:19,791
Yeah. See you later, Nick Birch.
376
00:16:19,875 --> 00:16:21,625
Well? What do you think?
377
00:16:21,708 --> 00:16:23,833
Um, it's kind of a scary school,
378
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:27,583
but it's also, like, very beautiful,
and I think I'm in love with it?
379
00:16:27,666 --> 00:16:29,875
- So?
- Yeah, I'm going to Cobblestones.
380
00:16:31,750 --> 00:16:37,541
Aw, shit! Booty fatter than a pear!
Your Hormone Monstress Megan is here. Ah!
381
00:16:37,625 --> 00:16:40,333
Megan, what the fuck are you doing?
I know who you are.
382
00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:43,583
All right, simmer down, hottie.
This is for the people.
383
00:16:43,584 --> 00:16:45,874
It's a big motherfuckin' deal
they got me on the show.
384
00:16:45,875 --> 00:16:48,582
Well, if you're done,
what'd you think of that Nick kid?
385
00:16:48,583 --> 00:16:51,207
- The little cutie with the big-ass lips?
- He's funny, right?
386
00:16:51,208 --> 00:16:53,457
- I mean, he does what you ask.
- I don't hate that.
387
00:16:53,458 --> 00:16:55,250
But does he get your pussy wet?
388
00:16:55,333 --> 00:16:57,416
Oh my God, we just met!
389
00:16:57,500 --> 00:17:00,630
- Is that all you care about?
- Uh, duh, bitch. A hundred percent.
390
00:17:00,631 --> 00:17:01,665
Hey, Danni.
391
00:17:01,666 --> 00:17:03,166
Oh. Hello, Travis.
392
00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:04,300
Ooh shit.
393
00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:07,208
Now Travis,
he giving that kitty-cat a bath.
394
00:17:07,291 --> 00:17:08,416
- Meow. Meow.
- Ugh.
395
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,333
Shouldn't you be with Theresa?
396
00:17:10,416 --> 00:17:13,208
I heard what you did to her.
That shit is hilarious.
397
00:17:13,209 --> 00:17:14,790
- [laughs]
- Her summer's fucked.
398
00:17:14,791 --> 00:17:18,666
Yeah, and she was supposed
to go to Belize. Oops. [laughs]
399
00:17:18,667 --> 00:17:20,624
Hey, wanna watch my lacrosse practice?
400
00:17:20,625 --> 00:17:24,500
Fuck yeah! Let's flood that field
with your punani tsunami, girl.
401
00:17:24,583 --> 00:17:26,333
I mean, I guess I could watch.
402
00:17:26,416 --> 00:17:28,458
Wet pussy makes me hungry.
403
00:17:28,541 --> 00:17:30,583
[eating sounds]
404
00:17:30,666 --> 00:17:31,716
[birds chirping]
405
00:17:33,666 --> 00:17:35,291
Caleb, can we talk?
406
00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:36,425
No, thank you.
407
00:17:36,426 --> 00:17:39,749
I know you're disappointed we're not
gonna keep doing the morning show,
408
00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:41,665
but that doesn't mean
we can't still be friends.
409
00:17:41,666 --> 00:17:43,250
- Yes, it does.
- Why?
410
00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:46,666
Because I only see you
when we're working on the show.
411
00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:51,875
Oh. Well, then we'll just have to find
something else to do together.
412
00:17:51,958 --> 00:17:53,541
I like studying maps.
413
00:17:53,625 --> 00:17:58,000
Okay, or we could, uh,
414
00:17:58,001 --> 00:18:00,457
have coffee together
every Saturday morning?
415
00:18:00,458 --> 00:18:01,958
It'll be our own special time.
416
00:18:02,041 --> 00:18:05,583
Every third Saturday of the month,
I have map club.
417
00:18:05,666 --> 00:18:08,166
Okay, but otherwise?
418
00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:10,125
I will have coffee with you.
419
00:18:10,126 --> 00:18:11,249
Wonderful.
420
00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:14,083
Now let's go give the people
one last great show.
421
00:18:14,166 --> 00:18:17,750
I think people just want the show
they've always tuned in for.
422
00:18:17,751 --> 00:18:18,790
Okay.
423
00:18:18,791 --> 00:18:23,083
I can't believe
our gross little kids are graduating.
424
00:18:23,166 --> 00:18:24,916
It seems like just yesterday
425
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,166
I taught Andrew how to tuck his boner
into his waistband.
426
00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:31,500
He came right into his own belly button.
427
00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:33,666
[sobs] I'm gonna miss these days.
428
00:18:33,750 --> 00:18:37,208
Oh, come on, Maury.
They're just going to high school.
429
00:18:37,291 --> 00:18:40,125
And Jessi's right.
This place is a fart in a box.
430
00:18:40,208 --> 00:18:41,750
Well, this is it, dear Jessi.
431
00:18:41,751 --> 00:18:43,582
After everything I've done for everyone,
432
00:18:43,583 --> 00:18:46,250
I'll be remembered only
as the grossest human.
433
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:48,541
Just put me in a cage at the zoo,
434
00:18:48,625 --> 00:18:51,208
and I'll pull feces
out of my bright red ass.
435
00:18:51,291 --> 00:18:54,416
Chill out.
It's middle school, and it's over.
436
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:58,041
We didn't even get a chance to apologize
to little what's-his-name.
437
00:18:58,125 --> 00:18:59,666
Yeah, where is Nick?
438
00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:01,083
Oh God, Rick.
439
00:19:01,084 --> 00:19:04,165
How am I gonna break the news
I'm not going to high school with them?
440
00:19:04,166 --> 00:19:07,083
I think you just gotta rip off
the Band-Aid, man,
441
00:19:07,166 --> 00:19:09,083
nice and slow.
442
00:19:09,084 --> 00:19:10,207
Um...
443
00:19:10,208 --> 00:19:12,375
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Nick. Where you been?
444
00:19:12,458 --> 00:19:13,583
There you are.
445
00:19:13,584 --> 00:19:15,832
Hey, I need to force you
to listen to apologies.
446
00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:16,913
Here, I've made a list.
447
00:19:16,916 --> 00:19:20,583
Actually, before you do, I have something
kind of weird to tell you guys.
448
00:19:20,666 --> 00:19:21,958
Okay. So what is it?
449
00:19:22,041 --> 00:19:24,875
So my parents made me visit, um,
450
00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:27,875
Cobblestones Academy yesterday.
451
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,008
What? Why?
452
00:19:29,041 --> 00:19:31,750
Because they, like, want me
to go there next year.
453
00:19:31,833 --> 00:19:34,333
But you're going
to high school with me, right?
454
00:19:34,416 --> 00:19:37,250
- Well, actually...
- Oh, don't say it, Nick.
455
00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:39,541
Oh my God. Are you going there?
456
00:19:39,625 --> 00:19:42,583
I don't know, but kinda. Maybe. Yes?
457
00:19:42,666 --> 00:19:45,666
He's deserting you.
How could he do this to us?
458
00:19:45,667 --> 00:19:47,332
You took the best years of my life!
459
00:19:47,333 --> 00:19:49,923
Oh God, these have been
the best years of your life?
460
00:19:49,958 --> 00:19:51,916
Look, I went there planning to hate it,
461
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,666
but then, when I got there,
there was this girl...
462
00:19:54,667 --> 00:19:56,540
[mocking] "Then there was this girl."
Okay.
463
00:19:56,541 --> 00:19:59,583
He met a girl!
Does she know your favorite snacks?
464
00:19:59,584 --> 00:20:01,457
- Andrew.
- Does she got a cock like mine?
465
00:20:01,458 --> 00:20:04,000
I know this is, like, really hard, and...
466
00:20:04,083 --> 00:20:05,458
and I'm... and I'm so sorry.
467
00:20:05,541 --> 00:20:07,125
You don't get to do that!
468
00:20:07,208 --> 00:20:09,416
You don't get to do something shitty
469
00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:11,207
- and then say you're sorry!
- Okay.
470
00:20:11,208 --> 00:20:13,958
I've spent this whole episode
learning that lesson.
471
00:20:14,041 --> 00:20:16,333
And Andrew hates learning lessons.
472
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:18,166
Ah, fuck this place!
473
00:20:18,167 --> 00:20:21,165
We're here
at the Bridgeton Middle graduation,
474
00:20:21,166 --> 00:20:24,000
where everyone is wearing
too much makeup or not enough.
475
00:20:24,083 --> 00:20:27,166
And special congratulations
to all you children of divorce
476
00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:30,166
for being able to get a rare photo
with both parents.
477
00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:32,082
[masked principal]
Welcome friends, family,
478
00:20:32,083 --> 00:20:34,458
and Lola's mother's parole officer.
479
00:20:34,541 --> 00:20:36,083
Hey, Lols, I got a shout-out!
480
00:20:36,166 --> 00:20:37,333
Shut up, Rodney!
481
00:20:37,416 --> 00:20:40,166
Just get ready to throw rice at me
when I leave the gym.
482
00:20:40,167 --> 00:20:44,124
[masked principal] I can tell none of you
wore deodorant, so let's make this quick.
483
00:20:44,125 --> 00:20:46,055
- Gina Alvarez.
- [audience cheering]
484
00:20:47,625 --> 00:20:49,166
Jay Bilzerian...
485
00:20:49,250 --> 00:20:50,583
Yes! I did it.
486
00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:52,332
[masked principal]...is not graduating.
487
00:20:52,333 --> 00:20:55,458
What? No! Why would you say it like that?
488
00:20:55,541 --> 00:20:57,708
Wait, Jay's not graduating?
489
00:20:57,791 --> 00:21:01,541
[masked principal]
But he can still graduate eighth grade if...
490
00:21:01,625 --> 00:21:05,166
What? If what?
Ah, just tell me, you masked fuck!
491
00:21:05,167 --> 00:21:07,499
[masked principal]
...if he attends summer school!
492
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:09,208
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop the clock.
493
00:21:09,291 --> 00:21:10,791
I teach summer school.
494
00:21:10,875 --> 00:21:13,750
That means we can be
on the Knicks together
495
00:21:13,833 --> 00:21:15,208
for one more summer!
496
00:21:15,291 --> 00:21:17,000
Run it back, Van Gundy!
497
00:21:17,083 --> 00:21:20,791
Okay, this sucks, but could be good.
498
00:21:20,792 --> 00:21:21,832
[groans]
499
00:21:21,833 --> 00:21:24,582
- But also kinda sucks!
- [masked principal] Welcome to life, kid.
500
00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:26,332
Wait a minute, are you Richard Lewis?
501
00:21:26,333 --> 00:21:29,583
[masked principal]
I told you, I'm Roman Polanski.
502
00:21:29,666 --> 00:21:32,083
Why doesn't anyone wanna believe that?
503
00:21:32,084 --> 00:21:33,999
- Nicholas Birch.
- [audience applauds]
504
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,040
- Go-Gurt Burglar.
- [audience applauding]
505
00:21:36,041 --> 00:21:38,290
- Missy Foreman-Greenwald.
- [audience cheering]
506
00:21:38,291 --> 00:21:40,707
- Devon Furtive-Oldman.
- [cheering, applauding throughout]
507
00:21:40,708 --> 00:21:42,625
Jessi Glaser.
508
00:21:42,708 --> 00:21:44,541
Andrew Glouberman.
509
00:21:44,625 --> 00:21:48,583
- I can't believe Nick is leaving me.
- And all these people think you're gross.
510
00:21:48,584 --> 00:21:49,582
It isn't fair.
511
00:21:49,583 --> 00:21:51,791
After all you've given to this place.
512
00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:54,916
The sweat, the tears, the B-minus effort.
513
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,458
- The mountains of jizz.
- [Andrew] Eh!
514
00:21:57,459 --> 00:22:00,165
- [masked principal] Hey!
- You all call me the grossest human?
515
00:22:00,166 --> 00:22:02,625
- Well, I say you're all gross.
- [all gasp]
516
00:22:02,708 --> 00:22:05,291
And every time I fart and jizz on things,
517
00:22:05,375 --> 00:22:08,583
you all see a little bit of yourselves,
and you can't stand it.
518
00:22:08,584 --> 00:22:10,582
Told you we shouldn't have come, Barbara.
519
00:22:10,583 --> 00:22:13,291
But guess what? No one's perfect.
520
00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:15,875
Nick's a traitor, Jay's an idiot,
521
00:22:15,958 --> 00:22:18,458
the Janssen Twins are for sure cannibals.
522
00:22:18,459 --> 00:22:19,582
Oh, for sure.
523
00:22:19,583 --> 00:22:21,500
You are powerless to stop us.
524
00:22:21,583 --> 00:22:24,666
But do you know
what the most fucked-up part is?
525
00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:28,125
I'm gonna miss this stupid, shitty place.
526
00:22:28,208 --> 00:22:31,875
This gym where we defeated
the Shame Wizard. You remember that, guys?
527
00:22:31,958 --> 00:22:34,041
Hmm, that's the first time I kissed Jay.
528
00:22:34,125 --> 00:22:36,041
Oh, it sure was, Matt.
529
00:22:36,125 --> 00:22:39,583
Remember when we were all superheroes
for a minute? That was crazy.
530
00:22:39,666 --> 00:22:42,500
This place really is filled
with cherished memories.
531
00:22:42,501 --> 00:22:44,165
- [students] Yeah.
- Murmur in agreement.
532
00:22:44,166 --> 00:22:45,458
That's right, Missy.
533
00:22:45,541 --> 00:22:48,311
In fact, right there,
right at that three-point line,
534
00:22:48,375 --> 00:22:50,458
that's where you and I slow danced,
535
00:22:50,541 --> 00:22:52,333
and I came hard in my pants.
536
00:22:52,334 --> 00:22:53,665
- [all groan]
- Come on, man.
537
00:22:53,666 --> 00:22:55,208
Oh, you lost them, buddy.
538
00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:57,166
So goodbye, Bridgeton Middle.
539
00:22:57,250 --> 00:23:01,083
You won't have Andrew Glouberman
to kick around anymore.
540
00:23:01,166 --> 00:23:05,333
[sobbing] If you need me,
I'll be in my gross cage at the zoo
541
00:23:05,416 --> 00:23:07,791
taking dry shits out of a red ass.
542
00:23:07,792 --> 00:23:08,790
Thank you.
543
00:23:08,791 --> 00:23:10,540
- [Andrew sobbing]
- [audience booing]
544
00:23:10,541 --> 00:23:12,707
- [masked principal] Lump Humpman.
- [panting]
545
00:23:12,708 --> 00:23:15,041
Oh man, I feel kind of responsible?
546
00:23:15,125 --> 00:23:18,915
Does that mean you're not gonna go
to the fancy school with the pretty girl?
547
00:23:18,916 --> 00:23:22,375
Oh no, I'm definitely going there.
Just Andrew's gonna be really sad.
548
00:23:22,458 --> 00:23:25,000
- Baby, are you crying?
- [sobbing]
549
00:23:25,083 --> 00:23:26,458
I know, what the hell?
550
00:23:26,541 --> 00:23:28,916
What? From Andrew's deranged speech?
551
00:23:28,917 --> 00:23:29,957
No!
552
00:23:29,958 --> 00:23:32,125
I mean, maybe?
553
00:23:32,208 --> 00:23:35,333
I guess I am gonna miss
this shitty place, like, a little.
554
00:23:35,416 --> 00:23:39,500
Oh, fuck, now you got me crying too,
555
00:23:39,583 --> 00:23:44,041
right here, where that boy
took a shit through that basketball hoop.
556
00:23:44,125 --> 00:23:45,791
Remember that, Jessi?
557
00:23:45,875 --> 00:23:48,458
Season two? Remember that shit?
558
00:23:48,541 --> 00:23:49,750
Um... [sniffles]
559
00:23:49,833 --> 00:23:52,541
- Kind of.
- That was also so crazy!
560
00:23:52,625 --> 00:23:55,166
He was just an extra!
561
00:23:55,250 --> 00:23:56,750
[gentle piano music playing]
562
00:23:57,166 --> 00:24:00,041
Um, will you FaceTime me
when you get to Bible Camp?
563
00:24:00,125 --> 00:24:02,666
Oh, we're not allowed
to have any technology
564
00:24:02,667 --> 00:24:04,790
- the ancient Israelites didn't have.
- Oh.
565
00:24:04,791 --> 00:24:07,833
Well, um, I-I admire the authenticity.
566
00:24:07,916 --> 00:24:09,666
But maybe we can write letters?
567
00:24:09,750 --> 00:24:11,583
Do you have any stamps?
568
00:24:11,666 --> 00:24:13,166
No, but I'll get some.
569
00:24:13,167 --> 00:24:14,207
[sighs]
570
00:24:14,208 --> 00:24:16,791
We all know
nobody's getting any stamps, right?
571
00:24:16,875 --> 00:24:19,125
Is this it? Are they done?
572
00:24:19,126 --> 00:24:20,249
I'm afraid so.
573
00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:23,416
Oh man, that bites the big one.
574
00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:26,000
It's been lovely working with you boys.
575
00:24:26,083 --> 00:24:28,613
You have quite the little gentleman
on your hands.
576
00:24:28,614 --> 00:24:31,665
- And you got a real sweet girl there.
- Joe, come on. Don't be gross.
577
00:24:31,666 --> 00:24:34,457
What? [nervous chuckle]
What'd I say? She's very sweet.
578
00:24:34,458 --> 00:24:36,958
Ugh, Joe, stop it! You belong in jail!
579
00:24:37,041 --> 00:24:38,541
Uh, d-did I miss something?
580
00:24:38,625 --> 00:24:42,055
Is... Is "sweet" not something
I'm supposed to do with "girl" anymore?
581
00:24:42,125 --> 00:24:43,325
For Christ's sake, Joe!
582
00:24:43,326 --> 00:24:45,624
You're ruining the goddamn moment,
you sicko.
583
00:24:45,625 --> 00:24:47,500
Well, I'll see you in September.
584
00:24:47,583 --> 00:24:48,958
Yeah, sure.
585
00:24:49,041 --> 00:24:50,333
[Elijah sighs]
586
00:24:50,416 --> 00:24:52,000
- Bye, Missy.
- Bye, Elijah.
587
00:24:52,625 --> 00:24:54,958
Oh. Oh, dang.
588
00:24:55,041 --> 00:24:57,333
Come on, darling, into the future,
589
00:24:57,416 --> 00:25:00,875
where your boobies
are even bigger than your dreams.
590
00:25:00,958 --> 00:25:03,291
Before I sign off for the last time,
591
00:25:03,375 --> 00:25:06,833
I want to say an overdue thank you
to the boy behind the camera,
592
00:25:06,916 --> 00:25:10,041
and more importantly,
my dear friend, Caleb.
593
00:25:10,125 --> 00:25:12,791
You're so special to me, and I love you.
594
00:25:12,875 --> 00:25:16,333
I'd say "until tomorrow," but this is it.
595
00:25:16,416 --> 00:25:18,125
So, goodbye, Bridgeton Middle.
596
00:25:19,958 --> 00:25:21,125
And we're clear.
597
00:25:21,126 --> 00:25:23,957
You know, Caleb, I don't know
if we've ever hugged each other.
598
00:25:23,958 --> 00:25:26,125
I don't like to be touched,
599
00:25:26,708 --> 00:25:28,541
but I'll allow it today.
600
00:25:29,458 --> 00:25:32,333
- This is mostly for you.
- I know.
601
00:25:33,125 --> 00:25:34,500
Well, shall we?
602
00:25:34,583 --> 00:25:35,750
We shall.
603
00:25:37,375 --> 00:25:40,250
And that's a wrap on middle school.
604
00:25:40,333 --> 00:25:42,625
["Thirteen" playing]
605
00:25:42,708 --> 00:25:48,333
♪ Won't you let me
Walk you home from school? ♪
606
00:25:52,125 --> 00:25:53,916
♪ Won't you let me ♪
607
00:25:54,000 --> 00:26:00,541
♪ Meet you at the pool? ♪
608
00:26:02,041 --> 00:26:05,000
♪ Maybe Friday ♪
609
00:26:05,083 --> 00:26:12,083
♪ I can get tickets for the dance ♪
610
00:26:14,166 --> 00:26:20,708
♪ And I'll take you ♪
611
00:26:22,250 --> 00:26:24,708
♪ Ooh ♪
612
00:26:28,791 --> 00:26:33,708
♪ Won't you tell your dad
"Get off my back"? ♪
613
00:26:37,833 --> 00:26:40,250
♪ Tell him what we said ♪
614
00:26:40,333 --> 00:26:45,291
♪ About "Paint It Black" ♪
615
00:26:47,791 --> 00:26:51,708
♪ Rock 'n roll is here to stay ♪
616
00:26:52,791 --> 00:26:57,708
♪ Come inside where it's okay ♪
617
00:26:57,791 --> 00:26:58,841
[song fades]
618
00:27:02,909 --> 00:27:05,007
Chirp.
619
00:27:05,008 --> 00:27:09,558
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