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1
00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:10,916
- [birds chirping]
- [school bell rings]
2
00:00:10,917 --> 00:00:13,707
Guys, these book reports
were pretty disappointing.
3
00:00:13,708 --> 00:00:16,458
Except for Andrew Glouberman.
4
00:00:16,541 --> 00:00:17,666
Nice work, Andrew.
5
00:00:17,750 --> 00:00:18,800
- An "A"?
- Whoa.
6
00:00:18,801 --> 00:00:20,749
- That's good, right?
- How'd you get an A?
7
00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:24,666
I have no idea. I mean, I did read
the cute little story or whatever, but...
8
00:00:24,750 --> 00:00:26,250
You actually did the reading?
9
00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:29,500
Well, you're aware
I obliterated my scrotum
10
00:00:29,583 --> 00:00:32,375
and can no longer
yank on that stinky pole.
11
00:00:32,458 --> 00:00:34,375
Oh, Andrew, it's 10:00 a.m.
12
00:00:34,458 --> 00:00:37,250
Anyway, so the other night,
there I am in my room,
13
00:00:37,333 --> 00:00:40,000
no idea what to do with myself
other than yam-yank,
14
00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:41,625
and then I see the book, Nick.
15
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:44,178
- Oh my God, and you just...
- I read the goddamn thing.
16
00:00:44,179 --> 00:00:45,165
So weird.
17
00:00:45,166 --> 00:00:47,374
Turns out there are other things
you can finish.
18
00:00:47,375 --> 00:00:50,500
Oh, look at that.
Andrew's doing so well without me.
19
00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:53,458
Okay, you're gripping my arm
very tight, Maury.
20
00:00:53,459 --> 00:00:56,915
That's because I'm so authentically happy
for Andrew. [forced laugh]
21
00:00:56,916 --> 00:00:59,916
You can drop the charade, honey.
I know breakups are tough.
22
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:04,083
First of all, it's not a breakup, okay?
It's just a temporary break.
23
00:01:04,166 --> 00:01:06,541
And second of all,
I'm totally fine with it
24
00:01:06,625 --> 00:01:10,166
because Andrew is just another client.
25
00:01:10,250 --> 00:01:14,208
Uh-huh. Wondering if we can pivot
to my sexual development anytime soon?
26
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:17,458
Oh. Right, of course. I'm so sorry.
What are you doing at lunch?
27
00:01:17,459 --> 00:01:20,749
Wanna jerk off into the lost and found,
really crust up some hoodies?
28
00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:22,875
Ugh, no! I'm not a sex criminal.
29
00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:24,291
[sobbing] I know!
30
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,500
I miss Andrew!
31
00:01:26,583 --> 00:01:28,863
{\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
32
00:01:28,875 --> 00:01:34,375
{\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
33
00:01:38,250 --> 00:01:43,958
{\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
34
00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:45,415
{\an8}♪ Oh ♪
35
00:01:45,416 --> 00:01:46,708
{\an8}♪ In my life ♪
36
00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:51,166
{\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
37
00:01:56,041 --> 00:01:57,091
[songs fades]
38
00:01:57,092 --> 00:02:03,290
{\an8}Okay. So, for your next assignment,
you'll all be writing letters.
39
00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:06,833
{\an8}Ugh, are we like
saving the postal service again?
40
00:02:06,916 --> 00:02:09,416
Just let the old bitch die.
41
00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:12,250
Actually, Lola, we won't be mailing them
42
00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:15,083
because they're letters
to your future selves.
43
00:02:15,166 --> 00:02:19,333
So like, "Dear Future Jessi,
congrats on making the debate team
44
00:02:19,334 --> 00:02:21,749
- and getting into Brown?"
- Getting into Brown!
45
00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:24,458
I love that you're
already thinking about anal,
46
00:02:24,541 --> 00:02:27,208
which is what that college is famous for.
47
00:02:27,291 --> 00:02:31,083
[groans] I can't write a whole letter.
My brain sucks too hard.
48
00:02:31,166 --> 00:02:32,625
Come on. Don't... Don't say that.
49
00:02:32,708 --> 00:02:35,291
Ah, it's true.
Look, I got a "D" on my book report.
50
00:02:35,375 --> 00:02:37,000
That's the letter F.
51
00:02:37,001 --> 00:02:37,999
Ah, see?
52
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:41,791
Have you tried not jerking off?
It sent a lot of blood to my brain.
53
00:02:41,875 --> 00:02:43,166
Are you insane?
54
00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:47,625
I would sooner pull my dick full off
than not pull it at all.
55
00:02:47,708 --> 00:02:50,583
Oh yeah, you gotta pull it if you got it.
56
00:02:50,666 --> 00:02:52,333
You feel me, Elijah?
57
00:02:52,416 --> 00:02:56,208
[uncomfortably] Oh, um, totally, man.
You... You gotta pull.
58
00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:57,874
- [sighs]
- What's wrong, buddy?
59
00:02:57,875 --> 00:03:00,208
Yeah, that was a very sad fist bump.
60
00:03:00,291 --> 00:03:03,375
I just hate being
the only non-horny kid I know.
61
00:03:03,458 --> 00:03:06,500
All these guys are, like, obsessed
with their own crotches.
62
00:03:06,583 --> 00:03:10,250
{\an8}I know. Even Missy's
an out-of-control masturbatrix.
63
00:03:10,333 --> 00:03:13,000
- I just don't get it.
- Yeah, I wish we could help.
64
00:03:13,083 --> 00:03:15,313
- But isn't helping me your job?
- It is, yeah.
65
00:03:15,375 --> 00:03:20,041
You probably haven't noticed this,
but Joe and I do our job pretty bad.
66
00:03:20,125 --> 00:03:21,708
No, yeah, I picked up on that.
67
00:03:21,791 --> 00:03:23,583
So, you got any plans after school?
68
00:03:23,666 --> 00:03:26,076
I'm actually looking forward
to this homework.
69
00:03:26,083 --> 00:03:27,291
- You are?
- Yeah.
70
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:29,415
Wanna brainstorm our letters together?
71
00:03:29,416 --> 00:03:30,708
Ew, what? No, no.
72
00:03:30,791 --> 00:03:33,083
I wanna do my homework
the way I always do it,
73
00:03:33,166 --> 00:03:36,375
five minutes before class
with a pen that barely works.
74
00:03:36,458 --> 00:03:38,375
- [doorbell rings]
- Oh my God.
75
00:03:38,458 --> 00:03:41,083
I'm just returning a sweater.
Why am I so nervous?
76
00:03:41,166 --> 00:03:42,750
'Cause it's Leah.
77
00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:46,958
She's so cool and mature
and better than you in every way.
78
00:03:47,041 --> 00:03:48,125
Oh, hey, Jessi.
79
00:03:48,208 --> 00:03:50,375
Quick, say something gorgeous.
80
00:03:50,458 --> 00:03:52,708
Hi, is, um, Leah home?
81
00:03:52,791 --> 00:03:53,841
[nervous laugh]
82
00:03:53,916 --> 00:03:55,958
- Stupid, that's you.
- [groans]
83
00:03:56,041 --> 00:03:58,000
- You Leah, me Tarzan.
- Stop it!
84
00:03:58,001 --> 00:04:00,499
- Tarzan return sweater. [grunts]
- Ew, you're doing bad!
85
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:03,416
Oh, that's so sweet.
You should totally keep it.
86
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:06,690
Oh, it's not, like, laden
with my filth or anything. [chuckles]
87
00:04:06,750 --> 00:04:08,083
I had it eco dry-cleaned
88
00:04:08,084 --> 00:04:09,874
- like the tag said to do, so...
- [laughs]
89
00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:12,290
Should I not have read your tag?
Was that private? I'm sorry.
90
00:04:12,291 --> 00:04:15,041
- Oh my God, you're such a Virgo.
- [awkward laugh]
91
00:04:15,125 --> 00:04:16,625
Totally.
92
00:04:16,626 --> 00:04:18,207
♪ Just a Virgo little virgin ♪
93
00:04:18,208 --> 00:04:20,125
Be different, Jessi.
94
00:04:20,208 --> 00:04:23,375
Actually, I'm getting rid
of a ton of old clothes right now.
95
00:04:23,376 --> 00:04:25,290
Wanna come in and try some on, girlie?
96
00:04:25,291 --> 00:04:26,583
[gasps] "Girlie."
97
00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:29,458
- Whoa! Leah's room.
- [angelic music playing]
98
00:04:29,459 --> 00:04:30,999
- Where she sleeps!
- [gasps]
99
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,333
- Fuck me! It's Leah's bra.
- [gasps]
100
00:04:33,334 --> 00:04:35,457
{\an8}- You can see through it.
- [Leah sighs]
101
00:04:35,458 --> 00:04:37,249
{\an8}It's all up for grabs.
Take whatevs.
102
00:04:37,250 --> 00:04:38,750
Okay, yeah.
103
00:04:38,751 --> 00:04:41,165
Um, all right,
I'll just grab this tank top, I guess,
104
00:04:41,166 --> 00:04:42,540
and I'll get out of your hair.
105
00:04:42,541 --> 00:04:46,000
It's so cute. Thank you so much.
This has been splendid.
106
00:04:46,001 --> 00:04:47,874
Oh, you don't wanna stay and hang out?
107
00:04:47,875 --> 00:04:50,082
- Hang out? You mean like fwends? Friends?
- [gasps]
108
00:04:50,083 --> 00:04:52,208
[laughs] Yes, Jessi, like friends.
109
00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:53,341
[both] Holy sh...
110
00:04:54,541 --> 00:04:55,741
[Andrew clears throat]
111
00:04:55,750 --> 00:04:57,625
"Dear Future Andrew,
112
00:04:57,708 --> 00:05:00,416
May you walk through life
with your head held high,
113
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,875
but may you also bow it now and then
114
00:05:02,958 --> 00:05:05,625
to smell the sweetness
of a rose." [chuckles]
115
00:05:05,708 --> 00:05:07,583
Clever boy, worthy of Twain.
116
00:05:07,584 --> 00:05:08,582
- Andrew!
- [yelps]
117
00:05:08,583 --> 00:05:09,915
Your mother and I found this
118
00:05:09,916 --> 00:05:12,146
during our nightly perv search
of your room.
119
00:05:12,166 --> 00:05:14,875
Not my... Oh. Book report?
120
00:05:14,958 --> 00:05:18,666
Why didn't you tell us
you did something not so terrible?
121
00:05:18,750 --> 00:05:20,583
Oh, my little A-student.
122
00:05:20,666 --> 00:05:24,208
We had just come to accept
that you'd end up in the gutter someday.
123
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:25,416
You and me both, lady.
124
00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:28,750
But now,
I have the slightest glimmer of hope.
125
00:05:28,833 --> 00:05:30,958
This is going on the fridge.
126
00:05:31,041 --> 00:05:32,091
No, Mama!
127
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:34,816
The fridge is for Rite Aid coupons only.
Dad, stop her.
128
00:05:34,833 --> 00:05:37,291
No, I think we can make an exception.
129
00:05:37,292 --> 00:05:38,499
[angelic music plays]
130
00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:40,333
- [gasps]
- Proud of you, son. Mwah!
131
00:05:40,416 --> 00:05:42,375
What the full fuck?
132
00:05:42,458 --> 00:05:45,125
- [fridge rumbling]
- Maury? Is that you?
133
00:05:45,208 --> 00:05:46,258
Are you back?
134
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,416
Guess again, dipshit,
135
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:51,250
and guess Petra,
'cause that's my goddamn name.
136
00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:53,166
Oh, right, from the other show.
137
00:05:53,250 --> 00:05:55,958
You're... What was it again?
Ah, an "Ambition Gremlin."
138
00:05:56,041 --> 00:05:57,458
Damn right. And you?
139
00:05:57,541 --> 00:06:00,541
Oh wow, you're just
a boiled fucking pierogi, aren't ya?
140
00:06:00,625 --> 00:06:01,958
Yeah, I'm a soggy boy.
141
00:06:02,041 --> 00:06:03,291
Well, not for long.
142
00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:06,125
I'm here to mold your mush into greatness.
143
00:06:06,208 --> 00:06:07,458
"Greatness"? Wow.
144
00:06:07,459 --> 00:06:09,915
Well, we are immediately
outside my wheelhouse.
145
00:06:09,916 --> 00:06:11,583
Hey, listen, kid. Eyes over here.
146
00:06:11,666 --> 00:06:13,625
- You like this, right?
- Oh.
147
00:06:13,708 --> 00:06:15,083
Headlining the fridge.
148
00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:16,958
Well, I can get you more.
149
00:06:17,041 --> 00:06:18,166
More good grades.
150
00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:19,750
- Yes.
- More excellence.
151
00:06:19,833 --> 00:06:22,291
- Yeah.
- More brief flashes of parental love.
152
00:06:22,375 --> 00:06:25,333
I could be Daddy's number one good boy.
153
00:06:25,416 --> 00:06:28,208
With ambition, you can be
whatever the fuck you want!
154
00:06:28,209 --> 00:06:29,707
- Think tech mogul.
- Oh-ho-ho.
155
00:06:29,708 --> 00:06:31,833
Think Vegas restaurateur.
156
00:06:31,916 --> 00:06:34,125
"Vegas restaurateur."
157
00:06:34,208 --> 00:06:35,916
At Glouberman's Grille,
158
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,583
the plates are square.
159
00:06:37,666 --> 00:06:39,666
I dress like golf.
160
00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:41,416
Hey, pick up the pace, old man!
161
00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:44,041
Oh please, don't fire me, Mister My Son.
162
00:06:44,125 --> 00:06:46,583
All right, I gotta go.
I'm meeting Celine Dion
163
00:06:46,666 --> 00:06:49,625
at the Cold Stone Creamery
in The Venetian. Jetpack up!
164
00:06:50,958 --> 00:06:54,750
Petra, my dear, what can I say?
When I'm dazzled, I'm dazzled.
165
00:06:54,833 --> 00:06:57,750
I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful,
166
00:06:57,833 --> 00:06:59,453
strictly business partnership.
167
00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:01,083
Care to shake a wet, tiny hand?
168
00:07:01,084 --> 00:07:02,082
[chuckles]
169
00:07:02,083 --> 00:07:05,166
All right, clearly,
I can't count on you guys for anything.
170
00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:07,333
Ah-ah-ah. We never said you could.
171
00:07:07,416 --> 00:07:10,958
But there must be, like,
other asexual people online, right?
172
00:07:11,041 --> 00:07:12,916
Oh, sure, the Internet.
173
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,041
The safest place
for children who feel different.
174
00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:18,708
Okay, hold on a sec. Oh, what's this?
175
00:07:19,416 --> 00:07:20,833
Whoa!
176
00:07:20,916 --> 00:07:21,966
Whoa!
177
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:23,875
Huh? Where the heck are we?
178
00:07:23,958 --> 00:07:26,208
I think we're in Reddit?
179
00:07:26,291 --> 00:07:28,625
{\an8}Correct. I'm Snoo, of course.
180
00:07:28,708 --> 00:07:30,916
Welcome to the asexuality subreddit.
181
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,583
Wow. So, all these posts
are from people like me?
182
00:07:34,666 --> 00:07:36,166
[Snoo] Thousands of them.
183
00:07:36,250 --> 00:07:41,041
Asexuals, aromantics, and, of course,
a smattering of hate speech.
184
00:07:41,125 --> 00:07:43,291
But you, uh, delete that stuff, right?
185
00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:45,416
Nope. To me, it's food.
186
00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:47,750
Go ahead, Elijah, scroll around.
187
00:07:47,751 --> 00:07:51,457
{\an8}I always assumed
I just had a lesser sex drive.
188
00:07:51,458 --> 00:07:54,416
I could go the rest of my life
without sex just fine.
189
00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:57,000
Happy Tuesday. White genocide, am I right?
190
00:07:57,083 --> 00:07:58,333
- Jesus!
- Yum!
191
00:07:59,708 --> 00:08:01,458
{\an8}This meme is literally me.
192
00:08:01,541 --> 00:08:03,125
{\an8}[laughing] Bro, same.
193
00:08:03,208 --> 00:08:05,083
I kind of feel better already.
194
00:08:05,166 --> 00:08:06,306
Wait, what's this one?
195
00:08:06,375 --> 00:08:08,500
Any other aces on here masturbate?
196
00:08:08,583 --> 00:08:09,666
{\an8}Of course.
197
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:13,833
{\an8}You don't have to be attracted to others
to enjoy physical sensations.
198
00:08:13,916 --> 00:08:16,083
Jerking off just feels really good.
199
00:08:16,166 --> 00:08:18,500
What? I didn't know they...
200
00:08:18,583 --> 00:08:20,625
- We did that.
- Us either.
201
00:08:20,708 --> 00:08:25,041
So, you guys think I might enjoy...
202
00:08:25,042 --> 00:08:27,124
- Yanking your crank?
- Choking your chicken?
203
00:08:27,125 --> 00:08:29,458
Squeezing the spinach out of Popeye's can?
204
00:08:29,541 --> 00:08:32,333
Masturbating.
Let's just call it masturbating.
205
00:08:32,416 --> 00:08:36,958
Ooh, "masturbating"!
Sounds like we're doing it classy, Joe.
206
00:08:37,041 --> 00:08:39,666
Oh yeah, let me go get my top hat.
207
00:08:39,667 --> 00:08:41,499
Ooh, gorge!
208
00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:43,625
- The gorge-iest.
- You have to take it.
209
00:08:43,708 --> 00:08:46,625
Quick, kiss her belly button ring.
It's a sign of respect.
210
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:47,624
Ooh, you know what?
211
00:08:47,625 --> 00:08:50,625
This could actually be cute
for debate next year. Trying on.
212
00:08:50,708 --> 00:08:52,958
- Oh my God, I could never do debate.
- Oh.
213
00:08:53,041 --> 00:08:55,691
Arguing all the time would,
like, mega stress me out.
214
00:08:55,750 --> 00:08:59,291
Ah! She disagrees and she's perfect,
so you're wrong.
215
00:08:59,375 --> 00:09:00,708
I know. What do I do?
216
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,583
Recant! Recant with all your might!
217
00:09:03,666 --> 00:09:05,166
So, while I was trying that on,
218
00:09:05,167 --> 00:09:07,665
I just remembered I forgot to say
this thing about debate,
219
00:09:07,666 --> 00:09:10,166
- which is that I also hate it.
- Oh. Okay.
220
00:09:10,167 --> 00:09:11,749
- She bought it.
- Oh, thank God.
221
00:09:11,750 --> 00:09:13,415
Hey, Leah, do you have my fuzzy slippers?
222
00:09:13,416 --> 00:09:15,499
- Hey, dude.
- Jessi, what are you doing here?
223
00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:17,625
And why are you wearing a crop top?
224
00:09:17,708 --> 00:09:19,041
Oh fuck.
225
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:22,500
It's like a shirt took its pants off.
Yum, yum.
226
00:09:22,583 --> 00:09:26,625
What are you wearing, Nicky?
Your wittle jammies at 6:00 p.m.?
227
00:09:26,708 --> 00:09:28,625
Yeah, Nicky, is it your bedtime soon?
228
00:09:28,708 --> 00:09:32,583
Actually, assholes, I'm in my PJs
because I already took my bath.
229
00:09:32,584 --> 00:09:33,582
- Okay? So...
- [laughing]
230
00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:36,707
- Oh my God, that's adorable.
- Don't call me adorable. You're my age.
231
00:09:36,708 --> 00:09:39,416
- Also, don't hang out with my sister...
- Enough. I get it.
232
00:09:39,417 --> 00:09:41,790
And finally,
you look dumb in her clothes, okay?
233
00:09:41,791 --> 00:09:45,916
- Uh, no way. She looks amazing.
- Girlie, oh my God. Thank you so much.
234
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,541
But how do I look in Leah's clothes, Nick?
235
00:09:48,625 --> 00:09:50,041
Honestly, not bad.
236
00:09:50,125 --> 00:09:53,583
Girlie, oh my God. Thank you so much.
237
00:09:53,666 --> 00:09:56,000
Okay, there's no pressure, buddy.
238
00:09:56,083 --> 00:09:58,958
We're only masturbating if you want to.
239
00:09:59,041 --> 00:10:01,791
No, I do. I'm pretty curious
what all the fuss is about.
240
00:10:01,875 --> 00:10:03,625
That was me with Wordle.
241
00:10:03,708 --> 00:10:07,250
I'm like, "Okay, I'll try it.
Everyone shut the fuck up."
242
00:10:07,333 --> 00:10:09,375
Then I did, and I came.
243
00:10:09,458 --> 00:10:11,458
Can you guys maybe, like, turn around?
244
00:10:11,541 --> 00:10:13,250
- Sure.
- We're not even here.
245
00:10:13,251 --> 00:10:15,582
{\an8}[Gil] O-O-Okay, Elijah?
246
00:10:15,583 --> 00:10:19,041
{\an8}Now, I hear you using a lot of lotion,
and that's... that's fine,
247
00:10:19,125 --> 00:10:21,583
just don't get it in the hole,
okay, buddy?
248
00:10:21,666 --> 00:10:24,541
Guys, I think it's working a little.
249
00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:26,625
Oh. Whoo!
250
00:10:26,708 --> 00:10:27,958
It's working a lot.
251
00:10:28,041 --> 00:10:29,500
He's doing it, Gil.
252
00:10:29,583 --> 00:10:32,208
Oh, look at me, I'm getting misty.
253
00:10:32,291 --> 00:10:35,041
- I'm misty.
- Fuck you, man. I was crying first, okay?
254
00:10:35,125 --> 00:10:36,175
Fuck you, Joe.
255
00:10:36,208 --> 00:10:39,625
All right, so, what other goals we got
for your future self?
256
00:10:39,708 --> 00:10:42,541
- Um, how about good college?
- Yeah.
257
00:10:42,625 --> 00:10:43,833
- A big house.
- Okay.
258
00:10:43,834 --> 00:10:45,999
Maybe a sexy missus
to complete the picture?
259
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,165
Okay, but not actress-hot,
'cause suddenly you're financing
260
00:10:49,166 --> 00:10:51,624
this girl's short film
about a car crash or some shit.
261
00:10:51,625 --> 00:10:53,874
Then it's like,
"Okay, Kylie, you want my money,
262
00:10:53,875 --> 00:10:56,083
but you don't want
my notes on the script?"
263
00:10:56,166 --> 00:10:59,666
- Ugh. Paying for billboards and shit.
- Listen, Andrew, sweetheart?
264
00:10:59,750 --> 00:11:01,875
Oh God, why are you calling me sweetheart?
265
00:11:01,958 --> 00:11:05,416
I knew you were studying so I brought you
a two-liter bottle of soda,
266
00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:06,750
you know, how you like.
267
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,666
So you're not here to tell me
that you wish I died
268
00:11:09,750 --> 00:11:13,333
in the first wave of COVID
'cause I'm such a disappointing bum?
269
00:11:13,416 --> 00:11:17,500
Oh, no, that was back when you were
a useless squatter in my home.
270
00:11:17,583 --> 00:11:19,875
Now, you're an A-student.
271
00:11:19,958 --> 00:11:21,916
- Ah.
- A potential earner.
272
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,708
- This guy gets it.
- So keep up the good work, champ.
273
00:11:24,791 --> 00:11:26,750
Holy shit. Did you hear that?
274
00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:30,166
Yep. By the end of the week,
your dad will be sucking your dick.
275
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:31,540
Wait, what? I don't want that.
276
00:11:31,541 --> 00:11:34,333
Oh, come on, it's not sexual.
It's a power dynamic.
277
00:11:34,416 --> 00:11:38,333
Huh, power. Never had it, kinda want it.
278
00:11:38,416 --> 00:11:41,000
- Right?
- Petra, you nasty little thing,
279
00:11:41,083 --> 00:11:43,041
how did I ever live without you?
280
00:11:43,125 --> 00:11:44,708
- Very poorly.
- Ha ha!
281
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:46,375
Don't I know it.
282
00:11:46,458 --> 00:11:49,791
♪ I was a frumpy, ne'er-do-well loser ♪
283
00:11:50,416 --> 00:11:53,333
♪ A pitiful, flightless bird ♪
284
00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:58,000
♪ An around-the-clock cock-abuser ♪
285
00:11:58,083 --> 00:12:01,958
♪ A dull, unpolished turd ♪
286
00:12:03,250 --> 00:12:04,708
- ♪ Then you... ♪
- Me?
287
00:12:04,709 --> 00:12:06,249
♪ You came from out of the blue ♪
288
00:12:06,250 --> 00:12:08,833
♪ And you taught this dirty pig
How to fly... ♪
289
00:12:08,916 --> 00:12:11,000
- Damn right!
- ♪ Oh, you ♪
290
00:12:11,001 --> 00:12:12,665
♪ With your hot little suit ♪
291
00:12:12,666 --> 00:12:15,041
♪ You're so perky and cute
I could die... ♪
292
00:12:15,042 --> 00:12:16,082
[laughs]
293
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:18,875
♪ I was stuck in the mud
With a hand on my pud ♪
294
00:12:18,958 --> 00:12:22,291
♪ I'd come to the end of the line ♪
295
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:25,250
♪ Then you came zooming in
Like a smack on the chin ♪
296
00:12:25,333 --> 00:12:27,583
♪ And you polished this turd to a shine... ♪
297
00:12:27,584 --> 00:12:28,582
'Course I did.
298
00:12:28,583 --> 00:12:30,208
- ♪ Honey, you... ♪
- Yeah, me.
299
00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:34,125
♪ You're a magical minx
And this fella thinks you're just grand... ♪
300
00:12:34,126 --> 00:12:35,207
I'm the best.
301
00:12:35,208 --> 00:12:38,375
♪ You gave me strength and affection
But not an erection ♪
302
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:41,416
♪ But still make me feel like a man ♪
303
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:44,375
♪ I was down on my luck
Just a sad little fuck ♪
304
00:12:44,458 --> 00:12:47,708
- ♪ With my big stupid head in the sand... ♪
- He-he!
305
00:12:47,791 --> 00:12:50,958
♪ And then poof, you were here
With a scowl and a sneer ♪
306
00:12:50,959 --> 00:12:53,165
♪ To slap the dick
Right out of my hand... ♪
307
00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:54,082
That's what I do.
308
00:12:54,083 --> 00:12:55,665
- ♪ Fucking you... ♪
- Fucking Petra.
309
00:12:55,666 --> 00:12:57,207
♪ You're a pip, you're a hit ♪
310
00:12:57,208 --> 00:13:00,458
♪ Now my shit-brown sky's turning blue ♪
311
00:13:00,541 --> 00:13:02,833
♪ Oh, what in the world would I do ♪
312
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:05,541
- ♪ Without wonderful you? ♪
- Not much.
313
00:13:06,041 --> 00:13:08,833
- ♪ Weird, green, wonderful you... ♪
- So wonderful.
314
00:13:08,916 --> 00:13:12,166
- ♪ Short, mean, wonderful you... ♪
- And beautiful.
315
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,208
♪ Oh, baby, you ♪
316
00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:17,121
- Eh, you're not so bad yourself.
- [cheering, applause]
317
00:13:17,541 --> 00:13:20,750
Hmm. I love it, but it's like...
318
00:13:20,751 --> 00:13:22,874
- It's missing something, right?
- [gasps]
319
00:13:22,875 --> 00:13:24,832
- Leah's belly button ring.
- Oh, that's it!
320
00:13:24,833 --> 00:13:27,375
You need some belly bling
on that naked hole.
321
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:28,508
- Mom!
- Shannon!
322
00:13:28,583 --> 00:13:31,750
- Whoa. Why are you dressed like that?
- Um... [scoffs]
323
00:13:31,751 --> 00:13:33,124
This is literally how I dress.
324
00:13:33,125 --> 00:13:35,040
- You're being a psycho, but it's fine.
- What?
325
00:13:35,041 --> 00:13:39,000
Hey, can we, real quick,
get my belly pierced tomorrow?
326
00:13:39,083 --> 00:13:40,875
[laughs]
327
00:13:40,958 --> 00:13:44,458
Oh, sweetie,
I love that you had the balls to even ask.
328
00:13:44,541 --> 00:13:46,916
Wow, yeah, absolutely not.
329
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,710
Are you serious?
You're being such a Virgo right now!
330
00:13:49,750 --> 00:13:53,125
- Nice try. My birthday's in June.
- Two-faced Gemini bitch.
331
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,041
A belly button ring.
332
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:56,916
[laughs]
333
00:13:56,917 --> 00:13:59,332
- Thanks again. This was a trip.
- Fucking Shannon.
334
00:13:59,333 --> 00:14:02,708
What are we gonna do?
Your hole remains nude.
335
00:14:02,791 --> 00:14:04,416
Well, I do have one idea,
336
00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:08,208
but it's kind of stupid and crazy
and maybe dangerous.
337
00:14:08,291 --> 00:14:09,541
Let's do it then.
338
00:14:09,542 --> 00:14:11,999
{\an8}Honey, why don't you take a break
from your homework
339
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,707
{\an8}while the doctor examines you, huh?
340
00:14:13,708 --> 00:14:16,041
- No breaks!
- Nope. Trying to make Honor Roll.
341
00:14:16,125 --> 00:14:18,250
- You know how it is, Doc.
- Not really, no.
342
00:14:18,333 --> 00:14:20,000
I got straight D's in med school.
343
00:14:20,001 --> 00:14:21,082
- Oh.
- [laughs]
344
00:14:21,083 --> 00:14:24,249
Anyway, Andrew, some pretty freaky stuff
is up with you body-wise.
345
00:14:24,250 --> 00:14:26,166
Oh God, no mother should bury a son.
346
00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:28,541
- Actually, it's all good news.
- Good news?
347
00:14:28,625 --> 00:14:30,541
- Scoliosis is gone.
- Ooh.
348
00:14:30,625 --> 00:14:32,583
- Cholesterol is down.
- Really?
349
00:14:32,584 --> 00:14:34,832
- Normal blood pressure for once.
- Who, me?
350
00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,000
In my medical opinion,
351
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:38,625
I think we've got
to give the credit to God.
352
00:14:38,708 --> 00:14:40,250
- Amen.
- This fucking bozo.
353
00:14:40,333 --> 00:14:45,166
Your body sucks less because I rebooted
its shitty fucking hard drive. Thank you.
354
00:14:45,250 --> 00:14:46,541
Oh, and your epididymis...
355
00:14:46,625 --> 00:14:47,675
Yep, all healed.
356
00:14:47,708 --> 00:14:49,416
Healed. So that would mean...
357
00:14:49,417 --> 00:14:51,790
Yes, you can go back
to pleasuring your genitals
358
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,250
to your heart's content.
359
00:14:53,333 --> 00:14:54,625
Yes! Ha-ha!
360
00:14:54,708 --> 00:14:56,625
You can jerk off again!
361
00:14:56,708 --> 00:14:59,058
- Maury!
- Oh, Andrew, I've missed you so much!
362
00:14:59,125 --> 00:15:03,458
No one else will do my yucky ideas,
so let's just start over. Whaddya say?
363
00:15:03,541 --> 00:15:05,958
Your place at fap-thirty?
I'll bring the jizz.
364
00:15:06,041 --> 00:15:08,000
I'd like that very much.
365
00:15:08,083 --> 00:15:09,958
- Let me just run it by Petra.
- Petra?
366
00:15:10,041 --> 00:15:13,958
Miss Petra, is it okay if I carve out
some time for Maury this afternoon?
367
00:15:14,041 --> 00:15:17,625
Of course not, you dumb dunkaroo.
We got worlds to win.
368
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:20,458
Hang on a second. Are you two... together?
369
00:15:20,541 --> 00:15:23,458
Maury, no, it's not like that.
We've just been hanging out.
370
00:15:23,541 --> 00:15:26,250
- How could you?
- No, no, no. Baby, baby, please.
371
00:15:26,333 --> 00:15:29,083
You and I were on a break.
Come on, let's all three of us...
372
00:15:29,166 --> 00:15:31,000
Kid, let me stop you right there.
373
00:15:31,083 --> 00:15:33,041
There is no "three of us."
374
00:15:33,125 --> 00:15:35,291
You're either with him or you're with me.
375
00:15:35,375 --> 00:15:37,166
What? Why does he have to choose?
376
00:15:37,167 --> 00:15:38,874
Because you're a freaking piggie.
377
00:15:38,875 --> 00:15:41,541
You're all, "Look, this looks like a tit,
378
00:15:41,625 --> 00:15:43,958
that looks like an ass,
let's fuck a mailbox."
379
00:15:44,041 --> 00:15:46,958
- How dare you!
- And he doesn't have time for that shit.
380
00:15:47,041 --> 00:15:52,125
That shit is a beautiful, disgusting life
Andrew and I have built together,
381
00:15:52,208 --> 00:15:53,888
and he would never throw that away.
382
00:15:53,916 --> 00:15:54,996
He couldn't fathom it.
383
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,375
I... I don't know who to choose.
384
00:15:57,458 --> 00:16:00,041
- Oh dear.
- Looks like he's fathoming it, dickwad.
385
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:02,500
Andrew, stop fathoming.
386
00:16:02,583 --> 00:16:04,208
[knocking on door]
387
00:16:04,291 --> 00:16:05,666
Elijah, are you here?
388
00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:06,800
Elijah?
389
00:16:07,208 --> 00:16:09,625
I'm early for our raisin tasting,
I hope that's...
390
00:16:09,708 --> 00:16:11,083
[moaning]
391
00:16:11,084 --> 00:16:12,207
Elijah?
392
00:16:12,208 --> 00:16:13,499
- [screams]
- What the fuck?
393
00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:15,625
- Not Missy! Oh my God!
- Occupied!
394
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,000
Missy!
395
00:16:17,083 --> 00:16:18,958
- Ow!
- Shoot! I'm... I'm sorry!
396
00:16:19,041 --> 00:16:21,451
Was he just wanking
what I think he was wanking?
397
00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:26,541
Are you... Oh gosh, your nose is bleeding.
And I spilled all the tasting raisins.
398
00:16:26,625 --> 00:16:29,291
Yeah, and you were just masturbating!
399
00:16:29,375 --> 00:16:31,375
I thought he was supposed to be asexual.
400
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:34,625
Well, you see, Mona,
it turns out, asexuals... not a monolith.
401
00:16:34,708 --> 00:16:37,708
Try to educate me right now
and I will rip you in half.
402
00:16:37,791 --> 00:16:39,083
I... You didn't knock.
403
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,958
Oh, well, I'm so sorry
404
00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:44,291
that your girlfriend
caught you doing something sexual.
405
00:16:44,375 --> 00:16:47,291
Eh, well, for him,
it's not actually sexual.
406
00:16:47,375 --> 00:16:50,041
Oh, so those were platonic moans, huh?
407
00:16:50,125 --> 00:16:52,375
He's just "friends" with his cock?
408
00:16:52,458 --> 00:16:55,208
Well, Missy,
I'm just kind of experimenting and...
409
00:16:55,291 --> 00:16:58,291
You're a liar! You're not asexual.
410
00:16:58,375 --> 00:17:01,375
You just don't wanna do
anything sexy with me.
411
00:17:01,458 --> 00:17:03,666
Cry, Missy. Cry and run.
412
00:17:03,750 --> 00:17:05,000
Missy, wait!
413
00:17:05,083 --> 00:17:08,166
Cry so hard! The running's weird.
414
00:17:08,250 --> 00:17:12,166
[sobbing]
415
00:17:12,250 --> 00:17:15,208
- You called the right bitch, Jessi.
- Thanks for doing this.
416
00:17:15,291 --> 00:17:19,500
I once wrestled a girl
at a Piercing Pagoda and very much won,
417
00:17:19,583 --> 00:17:23,500
so I could not be more qualified
to poke a hole in your torso.
418
00:17:23,583 --> 00:17:26,125
Uh, Jessi, are you sure about this?
419
00:17:26,208 --> 00:17:28,625
I'm sure. I'm very probably sure.
420
00:17:28,626 --> 00:17:31,415
Oh, don't worry, the needle's
not that sharp, so it won't hurt.
421
00:17:31,416 --> 00:17:33,416
- I actually think it might!
- [sucks]
422
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:36,500
- Okay, pinching. You ready?
- [suspenseful music plays]
423
00:17:36,501 --> 00:17:37,540
[inhales]
424
00:17:37,541 --> 00:17:39,083
- Ready.
- On three.
425
00:17:39,166 --> 00:17:40,833
One, two...
426
00:17:40,834 --> 00:17:41,915
- three...
- [screams]
427
00:17:41,916 --> 00:17:44,458
- ...four, five, six!
- [screaming]
428
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:47,375
- Why is she still counting?
- Lola, what the hell?
429
00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:51,541
It won't go through your thick meat. Ew.
430
00:17:51,625 --> 00:17:54,958
- Fuck! Is it almost through?
- Assuredly not.
431
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:58,125
- [screaming]
- Should I just, like, pause the procedure?
432
00:17:58,208 --> 00:18:00,500
Not now. Think of Leah.
433
00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:01,540
Finish it.
434
00:18:01,541 --> 00:18:02,750
[grunting]
435
00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:05,166
Ow! There's so much blood!
436
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:09,541
[chuckles] I'll tell you this, sweetie.
They don't do it like me at Claire's.
437
00:18:09,625 --> 00:18:14,250
Maury, Petra, how can I choose?
I love you both in such different ways.
438
00:18:14,333 --> 00:18:16,500
But Andrew, we belong together.
439
00:18:16,583 --> 00:18:19,666
Jerking off, being a perv,
it's who you are.
440
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:22,041
But Petra thinks I can be someone better.
441
00:18:22,125 --> 00:18:24,250
- A restaurateur.
- Which is French.
442
00:18:24,333 --> 00:18:26,291
I-I can do French shit.
443
00:18:26,375 --> 00:18:29,333
French maid fantasies,
French Stewart fantasies.
444
00:18:29,416 --> 00:18:32,000
Well, frankly, I don't hate that.
445
00:18:32,083 --> 00:18:33,541
Andrew, get a grip.
446
00:18:33,625 --> 00:18:36,958
This loser has been
holding you back for years!
447
00:18:37,041 --> 00:18:38,833
I mean, you did give me scoliosis.
448
00:18:38,916 --> 00:18:40,208
Not on purpose.
449
00:18:40,291 --> 00:18:44,041
That's what happens when you hunch over
your own dick for 18 hours a day.
450
00:18:44,125 --> 00:18:45,291
Ask Larry King.
451
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,750
But Petra, she's made me healthier.
452
00:18:47,833 --> 00:18:50,166
- Yeah.
- And she thinks I have real potential.
453
00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:52,583
"Petra thinks I have blah, blah, blah."
454
00:18:52,666 --> 00:18:54,916
- Maury, stop. Please.
- Okay.
455
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,708
Petra is good for me,
456
00:18:56,791 --> 00:18:57,841
so... [sighs]
457
00:18:57,842 --> 00:18:59,957
- ...I am done jerking off.
- [emotional music playing]
458
00:18:59,958 --> 00:19:01,708
Oh, come on. Again?
459
00:19:01,791 --> 00:19:03,916
But this time, it's forever.
460
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:08,375
Wow, okay. Uh, so this is like, um,
like goodbye goodbye?
461
00:19:08,458 --> 00:19:10,708
You heard the kid. Au revoir.
462
00:19:10,791 --> 00:19:14,458
I'm going places, Maury,
and I don't think I can take you with me.
463
00:19:14,541 --> 00:19:18,041
Oh, okay.
Well, so, if this is really the end,
464
00:19:18,125 --> 00:19:19,750
then I'm gonna take all my stuff.
465
00:19:19,751 --> 00:19:22,165
Maury! There could be photographers.
Don't make this ugly.
466
00:19:22,166 --> 00:19:24,541
You made it ugly! I'm gonna take this.
467
00:19:24,625 --> 00:19:26,208
This is my lotion.
468
00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:29,166
- I bought it with my Sephora points.
- Eesh.
469
00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:31,082
Dude, you're embarrassing yourself.
470
00:19:31,083 --> 00:19:32,625
Fuck you, Petra!
471
00:19:32,708 --> 00:19:36,666
You stole my boy,
and I will never forgive you for that.
472
00:19:36,750 --> 00:19:39,458
- You think I give a shit?
- Just do me a favor, Petra.
473
00:19:39,541 --> 00:19:41,000
You take care of him.
474
00:19:41,083 --> 00:19:43,291
He's a very disgusting little creep.
475
00:19:43,375 --> 00:19:44,958
[sobbing]
476
00:19:44,959 --> 00:19:50,749
[Elliot] Leah, darling,
you have a special guest for dinner.
477
00:19:50,750 --> 00:19:52,166
A guest? Oh, whoa.
478
00:19:52,250 --> 00:19:56,583
Hey, girlie, I have something
so mega rad to show you.
479
00:19:56,666 --> 00:19:59,166
It cost us a lot of blood.
480
00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:02,083
I mean, we're mega fucking dizzy, bitch.
481
00:20:02,166 --> 00:20:05,958
Wow, so you're just dressed
exactly like me, huh?
482
00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:10,291
Isn't this great?
I get to appreciate my daughter in stereo.
483
00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:12,624
I'm just gonna say it.
This is fucked up, right?
484
00:20:12,625 --> 00:20:15,708
Nick, stop being such a Virgo right now.
485
00:20:15,791 --> 00:20:17,625
Leah, you feeling me, girlie?
486
00:20:17,626 --> 00:20:19,624
- Wait, what?
- It's like, come on... Whoa.
487
00:20:19,625 --> 00:20:21,833
Ha! She's a psycho little stalker.
488
00:20:21,916 --> 00:20:23,958
Jessi, honey, are you okay?
489
00:20:24,041 --> 00:20:27,833
Hey, Leah, before we eat,
you wanna see my big news?
490
00:20:27,916 --> 00:20:29,000
- What?
- Ta-da.
491
00:20:29,001 --> 00:20:30,082
Ew.
492
00:20:30,083 --> 00:20:32,833
- Ugh, Jessi, put that away.
- Sick.
493
00:20:32,916 --> 00:20:35,958
It's still healing,
but you like it, though, right?
494
00:20:36,041 --> 00:20:40,291
Jessi, did you pierce your own belly
to be like me or something?
495
00:20:40,375 --> 00:20:43,750
- Totes did.
- Because that's actually not cool.
496
00:20:43,751 --> 00:20:45,915
- [echoing] Not cool.
- What? Connie? What's happening?
497
00:20:45,916 --> 00:20:48,375
She hates it. You're humiliated.
498
00:20:48,458 --> 00:20:50,666
Let's finally pass out.
499
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,791
Okay, yeah, let's do that.
500
00:20:52,792 --> 00:20:54,374
Oh!
501
00:20:54,375 --> 00:20:57,205
- [crickets chirping]
- Missy, Elijah's here to see you.
502
00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:58,791
Tell him to come in, I guess.
503
00:20:58,875 --> 00:21:02,375
Knock-knock. That's how you do that,
just so you know.
504
00:21:02,458 --> 00:21:06,125
Now slam the door on him.
Smash his traitorous hussy of a penis.
505
00:21:06,126 --> 00:21:07,165
What do you want?
506
00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:08,216
[sighs] I'm sorry.
507
00:21:08,291 --> 00:21:11,241
I know walking in on that
must have been really confusing,
508
00:21:11,250 --> 00:21:12,833
so I wanted to explain.
509
00:21:12,916 --> 00:21:14,708
I mean, what is there to explain?
510
00:21:14,709 --> 00:21:17,290
I'd be horny for myself too
if I had your screamin' bod.
511
00:21:17,291 --> 00:21:18,666
But I'm not horny.
512
00:21:18,750 --> 00:21:23,666
Even when I was masturbating, I wasn't.
It was just this tingly, pleasant feeling?
513
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:25,875
- Pleasant?
- He's telling the truth.
514
00:21:25,958 --> 00:21:28,583
Jerking off wasn't a sex thing for us.
515
00:21:28,584 --> 00:21:31,290
We weren't thinking about people
or parts of people.
516
00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:34,041
It was just relaxing. I did a Wordle.
517
00:21:34,125 --> 00:21:37,625
So, it was like non-sexual pleasure?
518
00:21:37,708 --> 00:21:38,916
Exactly, yeah.
519
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:43,458
And with you, I feel romantic pleasure,
which is also non-sexual, but different.
520
00:21:43,541 --> 00:21:47,416
It... Oh, sorry. It's hard to explain
everything I've been learning.
521
00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:48,875
Wait, I got an idea.
522
00:21:48,958 --> 00:21:51,208
- Maybe you should show her.
- Yeah.
523
00:21:51,750 --> 00:21:53,125
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
524
00:21:53,208 --> 00:21:55,791
Wow. So this is Reddit.
525
00:21:55,792 --> 00:21:56,874
Elijah.
526
00:21:56,875 --> 00:21:59,465
Hey, Snoo. I'd like you
to meet my girlfriend, Missy.
527
00:21:59,500 --> 00:22:02,291
Oh, hi, Mister Snoo. Are you also asexual?
528
00:22:02,375 --> 00:22:04,000
No, I'm just an ally.
529
00:22:04,083 --> 00:22:07,541
I actually pipe
that little Snapchat ghost on the reg.
530
00:22:07,625 --> 00:22:10,083
- Oh, okay, uh...
- Missy, look. Here's the thread.
531
00:22:10,166 --> 00:22:13,041
I use my vibrator all the time.
532
00:22:13,125 --> 00:22:16,000
To me, it just feels like
a really nice scalp massage.
533
00:22:16,083 --> 00:22:18,208
Oh, a scalp massage. I get that.
534
00:22:18,291 --> 00:22:19,416
- You do?
- Yeah.
535
00:22:19,500 --> 00:22:21,875
Scalp massages feel flipping amazing.
536
00:22:21,958 --> 00:22:25,541
Like, so satisfying,
but not sexual either.
537
00:22:25,625 --> 00:22:29,333
Totally. There's a million ways
to, like, feel pleasure.
538
00:22:29,416 --> 00:22:31,625
And a million ways to be asexual.
539
00:22:31,708 --> 00:22:35,375
Wow, I guess Reddit
isn't as toxic as people say.
540
00:22:35,458 --> 00:22:38,333
There's something wrong with my Apple TV.
541
00:22:38,416 --> 00:22:40,166
Also, white genocide!
542
00:22:40,250 --> 00:22:42,083
Oh, fudge off!
543
00:22:42,084 --> 00:22:43,999
Well, aside from the rampant bigotry,
544
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,040
Reddit's actually
pretty informational, huh?
545
00:22:46,041 --> 00:22:49,000
I could give you a scalp massage
while you read it.
546
00:22:49,083 --> 00:22:53,041
I guess if you wanted to... Oh, shit.
547
00:22:53,125 --> 00:22:55,625
Oh shit. What does yellow mean again?
548
00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:57,208
Right letter, wrong spot.
549
00:22:57,291 --> 00:23:00,333
Oh, intuitive.
Yeah, I'm definitely gonna cum.
550
00:23:00,416 --> 00:23:02,291
- [crickets chirping]
- [groans]
551
00:23:02,375 --> 00:23:04,666
[inhales deeply, groans]
552
00:23:04,750 --> 00:23:05,958
Oh man.
553
00:23:06,041 --> 00:23:08,000
Hey, welcome back.
554
00:23:08,083 --> 00:23:10,500
Oh, I'm such a freak.
555
00:23:10,583 --> 00:23:14,250
I totally get it if you never
wanna hang out with me again.
556
00:23:14,333 --> 00:23:18,083
Not gonna lie,
you cosplaying as me was kinda weird.
557
00:23:18,166 --> 00:23:22,500
I know. It's just that
you're such a goddess,
558
00:23:22,583 --> 00:23:25,000
and I'm, like, a little worm.
559
00:23:25,083 --> 00:23:29,416
And not even a cool tequila worm
with sunglasses and a hat.
560
00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:34,541
I guess I just wanted to be more like you,
561
00:23:34,625 --> 00:23:37,000
you know, and just... and just less like me.
562
00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:38,375
But you're rad.
563
00:23:38,458 --> 00:23:42,291
You're smart and kind of mean,
but, like, in a fun way.
564
00:23:42,375 --> 00:23:43,916
And not a worm at all.
565
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,583
Really? Not a worm at all?
566
00:23:45,666 --> 00:23:47,125
I'll take it. That's so nice.
567
00:23:47,208 --> 00:23:51,208
And all you had to do
was lose enough blood to fill a Toyota.
568
00:23:51,291 --> 00:23:54,833
Yeah, I'm still
kind of seeing, like, white spots.
569
00:23:54,916 --> 00:23:58,583
Come on, kid. You've only got
45 more minutes of study sprinting left.
570
00:23:58,666 --> 00:23:59,716
- [beeps]
- Okay.
571
00:23:59,750 --> 00:24:02,375
I don't know, Petra.
I could use a break.
572
00:24:02,376 --> 00:24:04,582
All right, listen.
If you want a break from homework...
573
00:24:04,583 --> 00:24:07,250
- Yes?
- ...you can research summer internships!
574
00:24:07,333 --> 00:24:08,875
- Okay.
- Fun, right?
575
00:24:08,958 --> 00:24:10,791
- Connecticut!
- Hmm.
576
00:24:10,875 --> 00:24:14,083
"Eight consulting firms
that will hire children."
577
00:24:14,084 --> 00:24:16,165
- Why does my skin love Olay?
- [Andrew gasps]
578
00:24:16,166 --> 00:24:20,208
Diane Lane, fresh out of the shower?
579
00:24:20,291 --> 00:24:22,375
Mmm, I don't miss Jay,
580
00:24:22,458 --> 00:24:25,250
- but maybe I miss who I was with Jay.
- [gasps]
581
00:24:25,833 --> 00:24:27,763
- Maury?
- Sh-sh-shut... shut up, shut up.
582
00:24:27,833 --> 00:24:29,791
I'm sensing something, uh...
583
00:24:29,875 --> 00:24:31,916
A chode awakens.
584
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,583
Oh God. Go get him, I guess.
585
00:24:34,666 --> 00:24:37,375
Andrew! Andrew!
586
00:24:37,458 --> 00:24:39,541
No phthalates or parabens,
587
00:24:39,542 --> 00:24:41,540
- just pure hydration.
- [Andrew moans]
588
00:24:41,541 --> 00:24:44,625
Yes, give your gorgeous face its medicine.
589
00:24:44,708 --> 00:24:46,583
Hey, you can skip the ad now.
590
00:24:46,666 --> 00:24:48,458
Skip the ad, Andrew.
591
00:24:48,541 --> 00:24:49,958
It's Diane Lane, isn't it?
592
00:24:50,041 --> 00:24:52,000
Maury, she's the new Olay lady...
593
00:24:52,083 --> 00:24:56,000
- Skip the ad.
- ...and she's moisturizing her décolletage.
594
00:24:56,083 --> 00:24:58,833
Stop that. You're not
a rancid little perv anymore.
595
00:24:58,916 --> 00:25:00,083
Remember, I fixed you.
596
00:25:00,166 --> 00:25:02,666
No, he is a perv, and damn it,
597
00:25:02,750 --> 00:25:04,583
- that's why I love him.
- Really?
598
00:25:04,666 --> 00:25:07,291
I love you, Andrew Glouberman.
599
00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:12,416
I can't offer you success
or quality of life like Petra can,
600
00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:14,500
but I can offer you this:
601
00:25:14,583 --> 00:25:21,250
jacking off right now to a low-res video
of Diane Lane lotioning her calf.
602
00:25:21,251 --> 00:25:24,957
- Jesus Christ, did you say calf?
- [Diane] And introducing Olay body butter.
603
00:25:24,958 --> 00:25:27,666
Stay strong, Andrew...
Nah, he's already jerking it.
604
00:25:27,667 --> 00:25:30,415
You want body butter?
You want body butter, famous lady?
605
00:25:30,416 --> 00:25:33,166
Yeah, that's my beautiful little creep!
606
00:25:33,250 --> 00:25:35,791
Oh my God, so much is about to come out.
I feel crazy.
607
00:25:35,875 --> 00:25:38,875
Fuck this, I'm outta here! Jetpack up!
608
00:25:39,750 --> 00:25:42,125
Olay!
609
00:25:43,333 --> 00:25:45,041
- Oh, Maury.
- Aww.
610
00:25:45,125 --> 00:25:47,791
- I just can't quit you.
- Same here, cowboy.
611
00:25:47,875 --> 00:25:50,541
[Diane] Olay, love the skin you're in.
612
00:25:50,625 --> 00:25:52,750
- You said it, Diane Lane.
- Oh, she wants it.
613
00:25:52,833 --> 00:25:54,573
I don't wanna see her after I've cum.
614
00:25:54,625 --> 00:25:59,291
♪ 'Cause I'm just
A teenage dirtbag, baby ♪
615
00:25:59,375 --> 00:26:04,541
♪ Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby ♪
616
00:26:04,625 --> 00:26:10,500
♪ Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me ♪
617
00:26:11,083 --> 00:26:16,250
♪ Ooh ♪
618
00:26:16,333 --> 00:26:18,373
["Teenage Dirtbag" by Wheatus playing]
619
00:26:25,791 --> 00:26:28,125
♪ And her boyfriend's a dick ♪
620
00:26:28,708 --> 00:26:31,000
♪ And he brings a gun to school ♪
621
00:26:31,083 --> 00:26:32,916
♪ And he'd simply kick ♪
622
00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:35,791
♪ My ass if he knew the truth ♪
623
00:26:35,875 --> 00:26:38,291
♪ He lives on my block ♪
624
00:26:38,375 --> 00:26:41,125
- ♪ And he drives an IROC... ♪
- [tires screech]
625
00:26:43,742 --> 00:26:45,840
Chirp.
626
00:26:45,841 --> 00:26:50,391
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