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1
00:00:07,750 --> 00:00:11,250
[deep breaths]
2
00:00:11,251 --> 00:00:13,290
Andrew, I, uh...
3
00:00:13,291 --> 00:00:15,701
- I don't know if that's a good idea.
- [coughing]
4
00:00:15,702 --> 00:00:17,832
You're gonna give yourself
Cool Ranch Lung.
5
00:00:17,833 --> 00:00:20,083
Who cares? I'm gonna die anyway.
6
00:00:20,084 --> 00:00:22,457
That psycho, Pumbaa,
threatened to murder me
7
00:00:22,458 --> 00:00:23,958
on the first day of high school.
8
00:00:24,041 --> 00:00:26,208
He didn't threaten, he promised.
9
00:00:26,291 --> 00:00:28,875
[groans] I can't sleep, I can't eat,
10
00:00:28,876 --> 00:00:31,832
except for this bag of Doritos
and a two-liter bottle of Coke
11
00:00:31,833 --> 00:00:32,749
and some ROLOs.
12
00:00:32,750 --> 00:00:35,375
Andrew, bubbeleh, you need to relax.
13
00:00:35,458 --> 00:00:36,750
Oh God, I really do.
14
00:00:36,833 --> 00:00:39,000
And you know what always calms you down.
15
00:00:39,083 --> 00:00:42,708
Okay, I mean, maybe I'll be able
to yank my worries away.
16
00:00:42,791 --> 00:00:46,375
Ooh! You should go
to the strip club in your mind.
17
00:00:46,458 --> 00:00:50,083
Oh, well, I prefer to call it
"the gentleman's club in my mind,"
18
00:00:50,166 --> 00:00:52,125
but yes, let's definitely jack off.
19
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:55,833
All right, first hottie of the night,
20
00:00:55,916 --> 00:00:58,875
from the mural
in Doctor Harmandarian's office,
21
00:00:58,958 --> 00:01:02,916
let's give it up for The Sexy Tooth!
22
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:07,333
Hi. Did you lie to the dentist
about flossing again, big boy?
23
00:01:07,416 --> 00:01:10,916
Oh, yeah. My dad says floss is a scam.
24
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,875
Next up,
she's eight-and-a-half-months pregnant,
25
00:01:13,958 --> 00:01:15,791
but she can still do yoga.
26
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:21,083
It's Daisy Duck
wearing Lululemon maternity clothes.
27
00:01:21,166 --> 00:01:22,666
It's Goofy's baby.
28
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:25,291
Oh-ho-ho, that's complicated.
29
00:01:25,375 --> 00:01:26,583
Hey! Andrew!
30
00:01:26,666 --> 00:01:30,000
- [Andrew] Ah! Pumbaa!
- [Pumbaa] You're a dead perv walking!
31
00:01:30,001 --> 00:01:32,082
- Security! Please help!
- [Pumbaa yelling]
32
00:01:32,083 --> 00:01:34,624
- This is supposed to be a private fantasy.
- [grunting]
33
00:01:34,625 --> 00:01:36,000
[grunts] Aah!
34
00:01:36,083 --> 00:01:39,666
Oh no! You've set off
a Rube Goldberg-esque chain of events.
35
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:43,165
- The magic eight-ball! Trophies are heavy.
- And your penis is in peril.
36
00:01:43,166 --> 00:01:44,458
Cover the goodies!
37
00:01:44,541 --> 00:01:47,208
Oh shit. This is just like
that OK Go video
38
00:01:47,291 --> 00:01:49,581
where they're all
jerking off on treadmills.
39
00:01:49,625 --> 00:01:52,708
Ah! My dad's gonna be so mad at my corpse!
40
00:01:52,791 --> 00:01:54,833
- Oh, okay.
- [relieved sigh]
41
00:01:54,916 --> 00:01:56,041
Thank God.
42
00:01:56,125 --> 00:01:57,875
- [groans]
- [Maury] Oh no!
43
00:01:57,958 --> 00:01:59,008
Hospital.
44
00:01:59,041 --> 00:02:01,333
Well, hold on. I'm sure it's not that bad.
45
00:02:01,334 --> 00:02:02,707
- Let me just take a look...
- Ah!
46
00:02:02,708 --> 00:02:04,541
Ah! Hospital!
47
00:02:04,542 --> 00:02:06,832
{\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
48
00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:12,375
{\an8}? I'm goin' through changes ?
49
00:02:16,333 --> 00:02:22,000
{\an8}? I'm goin' through changes ?
50
00:02:22,001 --> 00:02:23,457
{\an8}? Oh ?
51
00:02:23,458 --> 00:02:24,750
{\an8}? In my life ?
52
00:02:26,166 --> 00:02:29,250
{\an8}? Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ?
53
00:02:34,083 --> 00:02:35,133
[songs fades]
54
00:02:35,134 --> 00:02:40,874
Those high school girls
don't know what they're talking about.
55
00:02:40,875 --> 00:02:43,541
I'm a short king with tight little guns.
56
00:02:43,625 --> 00:02:46,083
{\an8}Aw, he thinks he has muscles.
57
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,726
{\an8}Little baby acting buff.
58
00:02:47,791 --> 00:02:49,831
{\an8}Who's a little mister muscle man?
59
00:02:49,875 --> 00:02:51,666
{\an8}Stop it! Leave me alone!
60
00:02:51,750 --> 00:02:54,166
Oh, they're right. I have toddler bod.
61
00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:56,500
No, man, we're both kangaroo jacked.
62
00:02:56,583 --> 00:02:57,750
Baby, check it out!
63
00:02:57,833 --> 00:02:59,291
[grunts]
64
00:02:59,375 --> 00:03:02,791
Oh man, not the slide whistle.
65
00:03:02,875 --> 00:03:05,416
Maybe I just gotta flex harder.
66
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:06,666
[grunts]
67
00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:07,749
Oh.
68
00:03:07,750 --> 00:03:09,250
Oh, what a nightmare life is.
69
00:03:09,333 --> 00:03:12,791
Hospital. Animal hospital.
70
00:03:12,792 --> 00:03:13,790
[sighs]
71
00:03:13,791 --> 00:03:16,832
{\an8}Well, you see, your eminence,
it could've happened to anyone.
72
00:03:16,833 --> 00:03:20,583
I was passing by a tree
when I heard a baby bird in distress.
73
00:03:20,584 --> 00:03:21,624
Sure.
74
00:03:21,625 --> 00:03:23,375
I started to climb its branches,
75
00:03:23,458 --> 00:03:27,416
but I lost my footing
when I was distracted by catcalls.
76
00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:30,083
Catcalls? Who the hell is catcalling you?
77
00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:31,958
Young women. A secretary pool
78
00:03:31,959 --> 00:03:34,040
aroused by my heroism
on their lunch break.
79
00:03:34,041 --> 00:03:36,583
Oh God, I told you
never to do anything brave.
80
00:03:36,666 --> 00:03:38,125
Well, you were right, Mama,
81
00:03:38,208 --> 00:03:41,250
because as those women
wolf-whistled me, I fell,
82
00:03:41,333 --> 00:03:44,250
and my innocent testes
smashed into a tree branch.
83
00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:45,791
- Okay, okay, enough!
- Okay.
84
00:03:45,875 --> 00:03:48,000
- Your gross son is clearly lying.
- Yeah.
85
00:03:48,083 --> 00:03:51,083
He was definitely masturbating
in a strange manner.
86
00:03:51,166 --> 00:03:53,125
- I knew it!
- Why, Andrew?
87
00:03:53,126 --> 00:03:55,790
Because he's obsessed
with molesting his own genitals.
88
00:03:55,791 --> 00:03:58,124
- [sobbing] Oh my God.
- I say we remove his hands.
89
00:03:58,125 --> 00:04:01,374
I could do that, but knowing your son,
he'd probably use his feet.
90
00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:04,833
The truth is, no matter what you cut off,
the boy's gonna find a way.
91
00:04:04,916 --> 00:04:06,625
Oh, I'm in such pain!
92
00:04:06,708 --> 00:04:08,458
Doctor, give it to me straight.
93
00:04:08,541 --> 00:04:10,750
My winky, is she gonna make it?
94
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,249
Well, strange boy,
you've injured your epididymis...
95
00:04:13,250 --> 00:04:15,500
- What?
- ...which is a duct behind the testes
96
00:04:15,583 --> 00:04:17,143
that your semen passes through.
97
00:04:17,166 --> 00:04:18,906
Yours shows significant swelling.
98
00:04:18,916 --> 00:04:22,541
Oh, so what do I do?
There's gotta be a pill, right?
99
00:04:22,625 --> 00:04:25,375
Something good.
Give me that West Virginia stuff.
100
00:04:25,458 --> 00:04:27,708
Don't just stand there.
My boy is suffering.
101
00:04:27,791 --> 00:04:30,561
Oh, there's no pill you can take
for this kind of injury.
102
00:04:30,625 --> 00:04:32,833
The only cure is testicular rest.
103
00:04:32,834 --> 00:04:35,707
And what does that entail?
A little pillow for my peepee?
104
00:04:35,708 --> 00:04:39,875
My recommendation is
no masturbating for... three weeks.
105
00:04:39,958 --> 00:04:43,583
- [dramatic sting]
- [in slow motion] Three weeks?
106
00:04:43,666 --> 00:04:48,208
[in slow motion]
This is a fate worse than death.
107
00:04:48,209 --> 00:04:50,540
- Fuck you! Fuck you, motherfucker!
- Andrew!
108
00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:52,711
- Fuck you too, you little prick.
- Dr. Engel!
109
00:04:52,791 --> 00:04:54,000
What? He started it.
110
00:04:54,001 --> 00:04:57,707
Quick question. Do I have to pay the bill
if I don't care what happens to the kid?
111
00:04:57,708 --> 00:04:59,291
- Uh, yes.
- Feh!
112
00:04:59,375 --> 00:05:00,583
[birds chirping]
113
00:05:00,666 --> 00:05:02,083
[whistle blowing]
114
00:05:02,166 --> 00:05:03,541
That's it, everybody.
115
00:05:03,625 --> 00:05:05,875
Keep pulling on the school's ponytail
116
00:05:05,958 --> 00:05:08,416
until you can touch the sky floor.
117
00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:10,333
I'm sorry I'm late, Coach Steve.
118
00:05:10,416 --> 00:05:14,250
- I have a doctor's note.
- Whoa. This note is very, uh...
119
00:05:14,251 --> 00:05:16,832
Who we kidding? I can't read.
Everybody knows that, right?
120
00:05:16,833 --> 00:05:18,333
"To whom it may concern,
121
00:05:18,416 --> 00:05:21,916
this gross weirdo
absolutely destroyed his genitals
122
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,080
and should be excused
123
00:05:23,125 --> 00:05:25,833
from all physical activity
for three weeks."
124
00:05:25,916 --> 00:05:28,416
All physical activity? Does that include...
125
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:29,833
Yes! Yes, it does!
126
00:05:29,916 --> 00:05:32,208
My only hobby. My only joy.
127
00:05:32,209 --> 00:05:34,832
Well, at least you don't have
to climb any stupid ropes.
128
00:05:34,833 --> 00:05:38,708
Oh, I would kill
to climb my short little fat rope.
129
00:05:38,791 --> 00:05:41,875
Do you get that, Jessi?
I wanna masturbate so bad.
130
00:05:41,958 --> 00:05:44,791
Okay. It was my fault for engaging, so...
131
00:05:44,875 --> 00:05:48,041
[groans] How can I be so small
but still so heavy?
132
00:05:48,125 --> 00:05:51,125
It's because you got
those boiled ba-scetti arms, man.
133
00:05:51,208 --> 00:05:53,291
[grunting] Oh yeah!
134
00:05:53,375 --> 00:05:56,375
Suck my poorly-wiped ass, gravity.
135
00:05:56,458 --> 00:06:00,958
Now Jay? Ooh!
He got those big meatballs in his sleeves.
136
00:06:01,041 --> 00:06:05,625
- He really does.
- Woo! And now, to finish wiping.
137
00:06:05,708 --> 00:06:08,458
Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho!
138
00:06:08,541 --> 00:06:10,041
Thank you, Mrs. Rope.
139
00:06:10,042 --> 00:06:11,082
[grunts]
140
00:06:11,083 --> 00:06:13,541
Damn, Jay, how did you get so strong?
141
00:06:13,625 --> 00:06:15,375
Uh, I put in the work, bro.
142
00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:18,208
- Every day, I'm in the basement grinding.
- Grinding?
143
00:06:18,291 --> 00:06:19,500
Working out!
144
00:06:19,583 --> 00:06:21,083
Hours upon hours
145
00:06:21,166 --> 00:06:22,958
of chiseling raw Bilzerian marble
146
00:06:23,041 --> 00:06:26,708
- into the best body in our grade.
- Ooh.
147
00:06:26,791 --> 00:06:29,458
- You need that tough tummy.
- Yeah.
148
00:06:29,541 --> 00:06:33,458
Hey, Jay, could you chisel me?
You know, like help your boy get yoked?
149
00:06:33,541 --> 00:06:35,041
Uh... fuck yeah!
150
00:06:35,125 --> 00:06:37,833
Let's take your scrawny ass
to Yoke-lahoma.
151
00:06:37,916 --> 00:06:40,750
- All right, Yoke-lahoma!
- Oh, ho-ho!
152
00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:43,291
Wait until you smell my home gym.
153
00:06:43,375 --> 00:06:46,500
Imagine if chicken soup had B.O.
154
00:06:46,583 --> 00:06:48,000
[birds chirping]
155
00:06:48,791 --> 00:06:50,708
Hey, I'm home.
156
00:06:50,791 --> 00:06:53,208
- Whoa.
- Oh, hey, Jess. Cop a squat.
157
00:06:53,291 --> 00:06:54,341
Oh, that's cool.
158
00:06:54,416 --> 00:06:56,125
I'll just give you some, like...
159
00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:59,458
[British accent] privacy
for your meal time extravaganza.
160
00:06:59,541 --> 00:07:01,583
What? No! Sit down, girl.
161
00:07:01,584 --> 00:07:04,040
It's just breastfeeding.
It's totally natural.
162
00:07:04,041 --> 00:07:06,271
[laughing awkwardly]
I know that. I'm sorry.
163
00:07:06,333 --> 00:07:07,666
Lo siento. [awkward laugh]
164
00:07:07,750 --> 00:07:09,750
- So, tell me about your day.
- Uh, right.
165
00:07:09,833 --> 00:07:11,000
Uh, my day. Yeah.
166
00:07:11,083 --> 00:07:14,291
Oh, in gym, Andrew, uh, told everyone
about injuring his penis.
167
00:07:14,292 --> 00:07:16,707
Wow, that is just so Andrew,
you know what I mean?
168
00:07:16,708 --> 00:07:17,908
[nervous chuckle] Yeah.
169
00:07:17,916 --> 00:07:21,750
Jessi, look at those bodacious
breastfeeding boobies.
170
00:07:21,833 --> 00:07:24,750
- No, I'm not gonna look.
- They're so big and juicy,
171
00:07:24,833 --> 00:07:27,666
but also like hard at the same time.
172
00:07:27,750 --> 00:07:31,540
I mean, at some point, the school's
just gonna have to expel Andrew, right?
173
00:07:31,541 --> 00:07:33,332
[laughing nervously] I know, right?
174
00:07:33,333 --> 00:07:37,208
Ah, or, like, chemically castrate him.
It's like he's not a safe person.
175
00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:38,341
[laughs]
176
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,333
Okay, yes, they're mind-blowing.
177
00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:43,791
Thank you! Those potato skins are loaded.
178
00:07:43,875 --> 00:07:48,541
- But it's not like a sexual thing, right?
- No. Maybe. A little bit?
179
00:07:48,625 --> 00:07:52,333
I mean, they are naked and beautiful,
and two feet away.
180
00:07:52,416 --> 00:07:54,708
No, it's like a science thing.
181
00:07:54,791 --> 00:07:56,625
They're just working breasts.
182
00:07:56,708 --> 00:07:58,916
Yeah, they're working for me.
183
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,625
Eyebrows, eyebrows.
184
00:08:00,708 --> 00:08:03,875
Oh my God.
Can you believe these things? [laughs]
185
00:08:03,958 --> 00:08:05,625
Oh, I believe!
186
00:08:05,708 --> 00:08:07,916
Oh, what? What things?
187
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,470
I've never had boobs this big.
It's crazy, right?
188
00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:12,458
Fucking insane! [laughs]
189
00:08:12,541 --> 00:08:15,375
Are your boobs big?
I hadn't... I hadn't even noticed.
190
00:08:15,458 --> 00:08:16,791
Mmm, okay.
191
00:08:16,875 --> 00:08:18,083
You know what? Um...
192
00:08:18,166 --> 00:08:23,291
I'm gonna go get started on my homework,
and I will boob right back. Buh-bye. Fuck!
193
00:08:23,375 --> 00:08:24,541
I'll catch up, Jessi.
194
00:08:24,625 --> 00:08:29,458
I'm just gonna stare
at Caitlin's big, awesome titties.
195
00:08:29,541 --> 00:08:31,958
For science, uh, you know, whatever.
196
00:08:32,541 --> 00:08:34,250
[groaning]
197
00:08:34,333 --> 00:08:36,291
Come on, Nick. Dig deep.
198
00:08:36,375 --> 00:08:38,605
Deep enough to find
my dad's enemies' bones.
199
00:08:38,625 --> 00:08:39,791
[groaning]
200
00:08:39,875 --> 00:08:42,541
My arms are on fire, and I wanna cry!
201
00:08:42,625 --> 00:08:46,041
Uh, bro, please do not
get my bench wet with your bitch tears.
202
00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:50,000
You got this, baby.
Don't stop until it hurts to live.
203
00:08:50,083 --> 00:08:52,375
[grunting]
204
00:08:52,376 --> 00:08:53,415
Woo-woo!
205
00:08:53,416 --> 00:08:56,958
My patootie is looking juicy
from down here.
206
00:08:57,041 --> 00:08:58,791
- [grunting]
- Okay, buddy.
207
00:08:58,875 --> 00:09:02,250
[groans] Oh my God. This has been
the worst five minutes of my life.
208
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:03,593
I know it sucks right now,
209
00:09:03,625 --> 00:09:07,416
but if you do this every day,
you are gonna look great.
210
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:08,950
- Yeah?
- In a couple of years.
211
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:10,416
What? A couple years?
212
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:12,790
Sorry, bro,
but you can't get to Yoke-lahoma
213
00:09:12,833 --> 00:09:14,958
without going through Work-ansas.
214
00:09:15,041 --> 00:09:19,166
Fuck that. I'm not trying to work hard.
There's gotta be some kind of shortcut.
215
00:09:19,250 --> 00:09:20,791
Oh, you want a shortcut?
216
00:09:20,875 --> 00:09:22,333
Okay, say no more.
217
00:09:22,416 --> 00:09:24,875
- I have just the thing for you.
- Thank God.
218
00:09:24,958 --> 00:09:27,041
Uh, hey, Nick. And you can say no,
219
00:09:27,042 --> 00:09:29,832
but would you mind
please rubbing my head with butter
220
00:09:29,833 --> 00:09:32,833
- and then shoving it back up my own butt?
- [groans]
221
00:09:32,916 --> 00:09:34,333
[crickets chirping]
222
00:09:34,416 --> 00:09:35,583
[sighs]
223
00:09:35,666 --> 00:09:39,083
The, uh, Country Music Awards
are coming up. Pretty cool, right?
224
00:09:39,084 --> 00:09:42,082
Quick question. How many weeks has it been
since we masturbated?
225
00:09:42,083 --> 00:09:43,291
Not even one day.
226
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:45,000
Fuck me! God is dead!
227
00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:47,500
I know! I don't think I can do this!
228
00:09:47,583 --> 00:09:50,250
Of course you can't. And do you know why?
229
00:09:50,333 --> 00:09:53,343
Because when you did your last one,
you didn't get to finish.
230
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:55,583
Right. I never got a proper send-off.
231
00:09:55,666 --> 00:09:57,083
You need closure, man.
232
00:09:57,166 --> 00:09:59,958
Okay, okay. So what you're saying is,
233
00:10:00,041 --> 00:10:03,958
despite the doctor's advice
and a lot of the "imaging" we had done,
234
00:10:04,041 --> 00:10:06,833
I should do one last one
and that'll get me right.
235
00:10:06,916 --> 00:10:10,708
Exactly. One last tug of the slug.
236
00:10:10,791 --> 00:10:13,500
I mean, when you say it in rhyme,
how can I say no?
237
00:10:13,583 --> 00:10:16,208
One last chode load for the road.
238
00:10:16,291 --> 00:10:18,701
- I'm on board. You don't have to rhyme.
- All right.
239
00:10:18,750 --> 00:10:22,208
Here we go. I'm feeling a little tingling.
240
00:10:22,291 --> 00:10:25,291
Just a heads-up, it's not pleasant.
241
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,875
Ooh! In fact, it aches.
242
00:10:26,958 --> 00:10:29,666
Push through the pain, Andy.
I believe in you.
243
00:10:29,750 --> 00:10:32,500
[groans] Shit, it hurts even more
when I'm hard.
244
00:10:32,583 --> 00:10:33,666
Think horny thoughts.
245
00:10:33,750 --> 00:10:38,041
Like, what if Daisy Duck
and that sexy tooth had a pillow fight?
246
00:10:38,125 --> 00:10:41,250
Oh God. The pain tastes like a penny.
247
00:10:41,333 --> 00:10:43,583
Ow! God, fuck! This is bad!
248
00:10:43,666 --> 00:10:45,583
Yes, yes, you did it, Andrew!
249
00:10:45,666 --> 00:10:48,083
You're tough as nails, and I am so proud.
250
00:10:48,084 --> 00:10:49,082
[groans]
251
00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:50,416
I made a bloody one.
252
00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:52,833
Yikes. Strawberries and cream.
253
00:10:52,916 --> 00:10:54,583
And now it hurts even worse.
254
00:10:54,666 --> 00:10:56,416
Oh, sorry, my man.
255
00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:58,708
This one might be my fault.
256
00:10:58,791 --> 00:11:01,958
[groans] My balls have a heartbeat.
257
00:11:02,041 --> 00:11:03,583
[grunting]
258
00:11:03,666 --> 00:11:05,333
Ah, where are they?
259
00:11:05,416 --> 00:11:08,791
Heated fuck swing, whiskey for dogs.
260
00:11:08,875 --> 00:11:10,666
Oh, my little tattoo gun!
261
00:11:10,750 --> 00:11:14,625
Wow, your dad's been involved
with a lot of dangerous products.
262
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:15,833
Oh shit. Here we go.
263
00:11:15,834 --> 00:11:17,082
{\an8}"Muscle Munchiez."
264
00:11:17,083 --> 00:11:20,207
{\an8}"Chewable steroids
for the weak little boy in your life."
265
00:11:20,208 --> 00:11:22,665
They're from the same guys
who made Cotton Candy Brandy.
266
00:11:22,666 --> 00:11:23,875
I met them once in jail.
267
00:11:23,958 --> 00:11:28,458
"An explosive combination
of synthetic hormones, amphetamines,
268
00:11:28,541 --> 00:11:31,041
and high fructose corn syrup"?
269
00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:34,000
They're anabolic steroids
for kids by kids.
270
00:11:34,083 --> 00:11:35,333
FKBK, Nick.
271
00:11:35,334 --> 00:11:37,207
I don't know, Jay. Are these things safe?
272
00:11:37,208 --> 00:11:41,958
Yeah, okay, they were recalled,
but it was some total red-tape bullshit,
273
00:11:42,041 --> 00:11:43,875
"a couple of kids died" sort of thing.
274
00:11:43,958 --> 00:11:45,408
- Don't love that.
- But Nick,
275
00:11:45,416 --> 00:11:48,041
these kids were so jacked when they went.
276
00:11:48,042 --> 00:11:50,040
- Really?
- Busting out of their coffins.
277
00:11:50,041 --> 00:11:51,208
I do wanna get ripped.
278
00:11:51,291 --> 00:11:52,375
Do it, Nick.
279
00:11:52,458 --> 00:11:55,000
Steroids are just medicine that fucks.
280
00:11:55,001 --> 00:11:57,082
- Okay, here we go.
- [suspenseful music]
281
00:11:57,083 --> 00:11:58,166
[chews, gags]
282
00:11:58,250 --> 00:11:59,958
They taste like... like gasoline?
283
00:12:00,041 --> 00:12:01,666
Oh yeah, that tracks.
284
00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:04,250
The box does say,
"May cause flammable poopies."
285
00:12:04,333 --> 00:12:05,413
[crickets chirping]
286
00:12:06,375 --> 00:12:07,916
- Jessi?
- Connie, please.
287
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,375
- Look at those milk jugs.
- Fuck.
288
00:12:10,458 --> 00:12:15,916
Bursting and ripe,
hard and veiny, heavy and soft.
289
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,625
And honey, let's not forget big.
290
00:12:18,708 --> 00:12:20,333
So big.
291
00:12:20,416 --> 00:12:22,583
- So soft.
- [majestic music playing]
292
00:12:22,666 --> 00:12:24,375
So warm.
293
00:12:24,458 --> 00:12:27,083
Oh God, is that the nipple?
294
00:12:28,625 --> 00:12:31,458
- Oh!
- You know what you wanna do, baby.
295
00:12:31,541 --> 00:12:33,000
No, I-I can't.
296
00:12:33,083 --> 00:12:35,416
Come on, honey, make it rain.
297
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:37,333
Ohh. Fine.
298
00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:40,958
- Yes! [laughs]
- Oh, it's glorious!
299
00:12:41,041 --> 00:12:42,416
Boobs are a miracle.
300
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:45,583
This is totally normal.
301
00:12:45,666 --> 00:12:47,500
Uh, Jessi?
302
00:12:47,583 --> 00:12:49,416
Oh, hi. I was not looking.
303
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:51,500
Um, okay?
304
00:12:51,583 --> 00:12:55,000
I'm sorry if this is a weird question,
but when the milk comes out,
305
00:12:55,001 --> 00:12:57,040
does it feel
like a heavenly explosion or...
306
00:12:57,041 --> 00:13:00,500
Uh, no. I mean, not really.
It's... It's more of like a...
307
00:13:00,583 --> 00:13:03,875
Actually, I think Delilah's done,
so I'm gonna go put her down.
308
00:13:03,876 --> 00:13:04,999
Oh God.
309
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,291
Yeah, I know.
310
00:13:06,375 --> 00:13:10,041
That was one damn good
mammiferous daydream.
311
00:13:10,125 --> 00:13:11,833
No, that was a very bad,
312
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:14,566
very weird daydream,
and I wish I could wash my brain.
313
00:13:14,583 --> 00:13:17,416
Well, I wish Caitlin's boobies
were a TV channel
314
00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:19,250
so I could watch them all the time.
315
00:13:19,333 --> 00:13:22,708
We could call it TBS,
Titty Boobs Sucky-Sucky.
316
00:13:22,791 --> 00:13:25,125
Oh my God, please stop talking.
317
00:13:25,708 --> 00:13:27,250
- [grunting]
- Ah!
318
00:13:27,333 --> 00:13:29,083
Oh, Rick, what are you doing?
319
00:13:29,166 --> 00:13:30,666
I'm too pissed off to sleep.
320
00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:31,665
Yeah, me too.
321
00:13:31,666 --> 00:13:34,791
I think, like, the Muscle Munchiez
are, like, kicking in.
322
00:13:34,792 --> 00:13:35,832
Hell yeah!
323
00:13:35,833 --> 00:13:38,458
Time to fuck up the world, baby!
324
00:13:38,541 --> 00:13:39,591
I feel amazing.
325
00:13:39,666 --> 00:13:42,875
Like I could choke a tiger to death
with my bare hands.
326
00:13:42,958 --> 00:13:46,333
Nick and Rick, killing some big cats.
That's how we do!
327
00:13:46,416 --> 00:13:48,625
Yeah. I'm gonna fucking sprint to school.
328
00:13:48,708 --> 00:13:51,958
Let's go, baby!
Time to show everybody who's in charge.
329
00:13:52,041 --> 00:13:53,625
Kool-Aid man!
330
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,041
Oh yeah!
331
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:59,375
Hey! Whatever you guys are on,
make me a double.
332
00:13:59,458 --> 00:14:02,958
? All my best songs
Were written on speed ?
333
00:14:03,041 --> 00:14:04,375
[laughs]
334
00:14:04,458 --> 00:14:07,875
See, Maury? We, uh,
found something to do with our hands
335
00:14:07,958 --> 00:14:09,916
instead of my beloved masturbation.
336
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:14,541
Yeah, doing a puzzle is just as satisfying
as a whole-body orgasm.
337
00:14:14,625 --> 00:14:16,416
How are there no more white pieces?
338
00:14:16,417 --> 00:14:19,582
There's a hole in the clouds.
There have to be more white pieces.
339
00:14:19,583 --> 00:14:21,873
- You know what else is white?
- Maury, please.
340
00:14:21,916 --> 00:14:24,583
- With a little bit of red sometimes.
- I'm injured!
341
00:14:24,666 --> 00:14:25,750
Right, right. My bad.
342
00:14:25,833 --> 00:14:29,041
It's just, you know,
these rolling hills kinda look like...
343
00:14:29,125 --> 00:14:31,125
A delicious ass? Big tits?
344
00:14:31,208 --> 00:14:34,250
A pregnant woman
lying on her back with her knees up?
345
00:14:34,333 --> 00:14:35,583
Yes! All those things.
346
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:38,833
You think I don't know that,
you furry fuck? I have eyes.
347
00:14:38,916 --> 00:14:41,833
[knocks] Andrew, honey,
I'm going to the grocery store.
348
00:14:41,834 --> 00:14:43,624
Yeah, right, good. I'm coming with you.
349
00:14:43,625 --> 00:14:44,624
- What?
- You are?
350
00:14:44,625 --> 00:14:46,624
I've been meaning to spend
more time with you.
351
00:14:46,625 --> 00:14:49,083
- Okay.
- Fantastic. I'll be right down.
352
00:14:49,166 --> 00:14:50,306
What the fuck was that?
353
00:14:50,375 --> 00:14:53,541
I gotta get away from you
and this slutty puzzle.
354
00:14:53,625 --> 00:14:56,041
- Oh, come on.
- I'm going shopping with my mommy,
355
00:14:56,125 --> 00:14:59,708
and as God is my witness,
I shall remain flaccid.
356
00:14:59,709 --> 00:15:01,207
[birds chirping]
357
00:15:01,208 --> 00:15:02,258
[grunts]
358
00:15:03,083 --> 00:15:05,666
- Oh, my moneymaker!
- You're out, Lump.
359
00:15:05,750 --> 00:15:08,958
Now who else wants some of this, huh?
I am locked the fuck in.
360
00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:10,291
It's second period.
361
00:15:10,292 --> 00:15:12,457
Can we stop with the screaming,
Alex Jones?
362
00:15:12,458 --> 00:15:13,968
- Sit down, bitch!
- [grunts]
363
00:15:14,041 --> 00:15:17,000
- [students gasp]
- Hey, asshole, this face is on camera.
364
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:20,583
[blows whistle] You're out, Nick.
No hitting above booby town.
365
00:15:20,666 --> 00:15:22,586
Fuck up this nosy kid with the mustache.
366
00:15:22,625 --> 00:15:26,625
I can't be out, Coach Steve.
I am dodgeball, you fucking idiot.
367
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:28,291
I'm sorry, Dodgeball.
368
00:15:28,375 --> 00:15:31,291
- What is your problem today?
- Maybe you are, Matthew.
369
00:15:31,292 --> 00:15:33,290
You wanna take this out
to the parking lot?
370
00:15:33,291 --> 00:15:36,001
[scoffs] The parking lot?
What is this, Grease Live?
371
00:15:36,083 --> 00:15:38,375
A wop ba-ba lu-bop, a wop fuck you!
372
00:15:38,458 --> 00:15:40,250
Uh, whatever. It's just dodgeball.
373
00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:44,250
See that? He's got nothing else to say
'cause he knows I'm loco.
374
00:15:44,333 --> 00:15:46,083
Insane in the membrane, baby.
375
00:15:46,166 --> 00:15:48,833
Nick, uh, maybe you should
take a chill pill?
376
00:15:48,916 --> 00:15:50,791
All due respect, Missy, fuck you.
377
00:15:50,875 --> 00:15:53,285
We don't take chill pills.
We take muscle pills!
378
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:56,332
Hey, Jay. I need you to hook me up
with more of those kid steroids.
379
00:15:56,333 --> 00:15:57,500
I don't know, man.
380
00:15:57,501 --> 00:15:59,665
Maybe you need to, like,
calm down for a sec.
381
00:15:59,666 --> 00:16:02,082
[mocking]
"Maybe you need to calm down for a sec"?
382
00:16:02,083 --> 00:16:05,041
Whoa, Nick. That was fucking cool.
383
00:16:05,125 --> 00:16:07,958
Oh dear. There's hardly any shallots.
384
00:16:08,041 --> 00:16:11,750
- Is that because of COVID?
- Ooh, great topic. Very unsexy.
385
00:16:11,833 --> 00:16:14,625
But my God,
look at all these ripe tomatoes.
386
00:16:14,708 --> 00:16:18,738
- Oh, sweet mercy. No, not ripe tomatoes.
- [Barbara] They're ridiculously plump.
387
00:16:18,791 --> 00:16:22,083
Oh, and they're not fakes either.
Those are naturals.
388
00:16:22,166 --> 00:16:25,000
Oh, and so fucking wet inside.
389
00:16:25,083 --> 00:16:27,375
Maury! Of course
you're in the produce aisle.
390
00:16:27,458 --> 00:16:29,916
This place is dripping
with raw sensuality.
391
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,958
That's right, baby.
392
00:16:32,041 --> 00:16:33,666
The peaches are butts,
393
00:16:33,750 --> 00:16:35,333
the melons are titties,
394
00:16:35,416 --> 00:16:38,083
and uh-oh, here comes the mist.
395
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,165
- Hey!
- Hi!
396
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,875
Fuck me into sauce.
397
00:16:41,458 --> 00:16:43,666
No, no, no. Think unsexy thoughts.
398
00:16:43,750 --> 00:16:46,625
Nuclear war, stepping in dog shit,
399
00:16:46,708 --> 00:16:48,375
the cast of This Is Us.
400
00:16:48,458 --> 00:16:49,625
[laughs maniacally]
401
00:16:49,708 --> 00:16:53,250
Oh yeah. Put your pi๏ฟฝa in my colada.
402
00:16:53,333 --> 00:16:55,208
Maury, why are you doing this to me?
403
00:16:55,291 --> 00:16:59,416
Because you need to jack off.
You're addicted to it.
404
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:00,958
I know, but why?
405
00:17:01,041 --> 00:17:05,333
- Because your daddy never loved you.
- I don't even think he likes me.
406
00:17:05,416 --> 00:17:10,541
Now, run to the employee restroom
and have a sausage party of your own.
407
00:17:10,625 --> 00:17:12,245
Mom, I gotta run to the restroom!
408
00:17:12,833 --> 00:17:15,543
Oh God, where the hell is it?
Oh, look at all the crates.
409
00:17:15,958 --> 00:17:19,041
Now do it right here
on the cold concrete floor
410
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,041
next to the filthy mop bucket.
411
00:17:21,125 --> 00:17:23,583
Oh God!
Is this what rock bottom looks like?
412
00:17:23,666 --> 00:17:25,708
Oh-ho, I can still see further down.
413
00:17:25,791 --> 00:17:27,375
No, no, I can't!
414
00:17:27,458 --> 00:17:29,250
Think of my wounded epididymis.
415
00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:33,166
Oh, but you must, Andrew,
for it is time to restock the Yoplait.
416
00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:35,041
This is so medically wrong.
417
00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:37,666
- Strawberries and cream, baby.
- [whimpers]
418
00:17:37,750 --> 00:17:41,833
I'm afraid
this is gonna be all strawberries.
419
00:17:41,916 --> 00:17:45,666
Oh, have you ever noticed how every time
the baby sucks on one booby,
420
00:17:45,750 --> 00:17:47,833
the other booby gets bigger?
421
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,665
Um, of course I've noticed.
It's freaking mesmerizing.
422
00:17:50,666 --> 00:17:52,250
Hey, Jelly Bean.
423
00:17:52,333 --> 00:17:54,416
Oh, hey, Dad. Um, where's Caitlin?
424
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:55,708
Uh, she... she went out.
425
00:17:55,791 --> 00:17:58,875
Aw. Did she take her fascinating breasts?
426
00:17:58,958 --> 00:18:03,125
And, uh... I actually wanted to, um,
talk to you about something?
427
00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:05,791
- Okay.
- Uh-oh. I think he's gonna ask for money.
428
00:18:05,875 --> 00:18:09,625
This is honestly the last conversation
in the world I wanna have...
429
00:18:09,626 --> 00:18:12,707
Say you don't have any cash on you
right now. Just keep walking.
430
00:18:12,708 --> 00:18:16,583
...but Caitlin feels like you've been, um,
431
00:18:16,666 --> 00:18:19,916
extremely focused on her, uh, chest area.
432
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,208
- Oh God.
- She knows!
433
00:18:21,291 --> 00:18:22,666
How is that possible?
434
00:18:22,750 --> 00:18:24,500
We've been so discreet.
435
00:18:24,501 --> 00:18:26,624
You know,
while she's been feeding Delilah.
436
00:18:26,625 --> 00:18:28,208
Really? That's weird.
437
00:18:28,291 --> 00:18:31,208
And hey, I get it,
because I wanna stare at them too.
438
00:18:31,291 --> 00:18:32,916
Connie, this is torture. Kill me.
439
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,625
But I'm allowed to
because I'm... I'm... she and I...
440
00:18:35,708 --> 00:18:37,125
I'm... I'm her sexual partner.
441
00:18:37,126 --> 00:18:38,207
Oh!
442
00:18:38,208 --> 00:18:42,916
I don't like hearing your dad say
"sexual partner."
443
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,958
Anyway, it'd be really rad
if you could, like, um, stop.
444
00:18:47,041 --> 00:18:49,125
Sure thing, Dad. Okay.
445
00:18:49,208 --> 00:18:52,791
Floor, open up and take me away!
446
00:18:52,875 --> 00:18:53,958
Thank you!
447
00:18:53,959 --> 00:18:56,415
So, yeah, please don't stare
at my girlfriend's boobs.
448
00:18:56,416 --> 00:18:57,708
I will not.
449
00:18:57,791 --> 00:18:59,041
Okay. Terrible talk.
450
00:18:59,125 --> 00:19:00,583
Yeah, one of the worst.
451
00:19:00,666 --> 00:19:04,083
A toast to my father, Seamus.
452
00:19:04,166 --> 00:19:08,083
I wish him nothing but happiness
at his new retirement community.
453
00:19:08,084 --> 00:19:09,082
And may he always...
454
00:19:09,083 --> 00:19:10,957
These old people
in these retirement homes,
455
00:19:10,958 --> 00:19:12,082
they're all fucking, man.
456
00:19:12,083 --> 00:19:14,374
Everybody over 80 has syphilis.
You hear about this?
457
00:19:14,375 --> 00:19:16,958
- Nick!
- Fuck you. You guys don't stay informed.
458
00:19:17,041 --> 00:19:18,916
Your father was mid-toast.
459
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,708
And I was actually just about
to update you on Grandpa's syphilis.
460
00:19:22,791 --> 00:19:24,958
Oh my God.
You guys, you won't stop talking.
461
00:19:25,041 --> 00:19:29,458
- Just shut the fuck up, Elliot.
- That is it, young man. Go to your room!
462
00:19:29,541 --> 00:19:33,666
Fine, Diane, but I'm taking the protein.
Gotta gain mass, get swole.
463
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:38,250
Ew! Don't touch our food
with your dirty middle school hands!
464
00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:40,458
Put down the bird, fuck-face.
465
00:19:40,541 --> 00:19:43,250
Hey, man. Nobody talks
to Mr. Dodgeball like that.
466
00:19:43,333 --> 00:19:44,541
Kick Judd Apatow's ass.
467
00:19:44,542 --> 00:19:46,249
What the fuck did you just say to me?
468
00:19:46,250 --> 00:19:49,916
- Put down the bird, fuck-face.
- [menacing music playing]
469
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,590
I'm not the fuck-face, Judd,
you're the fuck-face.
470
00:19:52,666 --> 00:19:55,750
That's right,
I'm done taking shit from you, you...
471
00:19:55,833 --> 00:19:58,583
- Oh shit!
- Brother against brother.
472
00:19:58,666 --> 00:20:00,541
Judd! Thank you.
473
00:20:00,625 --> 00:20:04,291
[groans] If you need me, Mama,
I'll be in my chambers.
474
00:20:04,375 --> 00:20:05,583
[wings buzzing]
475
00:20:05,666 --> 00:20:07,875
Oh, come on. What the fuck is this?
476
00:20:07,958 --> 00:20:09,708
Have a seat, Andrew.
477
00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:11,208
Okay, I get it.
478
00:20:11,291 --> 00:20:13,666
You're here to tell me
how disgusting I am.
479
00:20:13,750 --> 00:20:15,125
In a way, yes...
480
00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:18,750
And how that bathroom I just ruined
is for underpaid workers.
481
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:20,750
Andrew, we're worried about you!
482
00:20:20,833 --> 00:20:24,458
Look, guys, I appreciate whatever this is.
483
00:20:24,541 --> 00:20:28,291
It's an ejaculation intervention,
of course. A cock block of caring.
484
00:20:28,375 --> 00:20:31,583
Please, don't waste your time on me,
all right?
485
00:20:31,666 --> 00:20:32,833
Maury's right.
486
00:20:32,916 --> 00:20:37,125
I'm a disgusting little cum cow
pumping out strawberry milk.
487
00:20:37,208 --> 00:20:39,041
Oh, Andrew, no, no, no.
488
00:20:39,125 --> 00:20:43,291
You're more than just onanism.
You contain multitudes!
489
00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:44,708
And before you leave,
490
00:20:44,709 --> 00:20:48,040
there's someone here who has something
they'd like to say to you.
491
00:20:48,041 --> 00:20:50,208
A piece of penne that got run over?
492
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:52,250
No, Andrew, I'm your epididymis.
493
00:20:52,333 --> 00:20:55,083
Oh my God, I'm sorry.
I-I didn't recognize you.
494
00:20:55,166 --> 00:20:57,708
It's okay.
I'm normally inside your scrotum.
495
00:20:57,791 --> 00:20:59,041
- Oh.
- [coughs]
496
00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:01,375
[gasps] Are you okay, my epididymis?
497
00:21:01,458 --> 00:21:04,458
No, I'm not.
That's why I wrote you this letter.
498
00:21:04,541 --> 00:21:07,083
Oh man, don't you cry.
You're gonna make me cry.
499
00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:10,166
"Dear Andrew,
we've had so many great times together
500
00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:12,457
- covering your house in semen."
- [tender music playing]
501
00:21:12,458 --> 00:21:13,457
We really have.
502
00:21:13,458 --> 00:21:15,628
"But since the accident,
I've been in pain...
503
00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:18,250
- Aw, man.
- ...and I feel like you don't care."
504
00:21:18,333 --> 00:21:20,250
No, no, that's not true.
505
00:21:20,333 --> 00:21:22,125
I'm just stressed and scared,
506
00:21:22,208 --> 00:21:25,166
and I don't have another way
to deal with those feelings.
507
00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:28,500
- It's because his father doesn't love him.
- Oh, I'm well aware.
508
00:21:28,501 --> 00:21:30,624
"I'm not saying
it's gonna be easy, Andrew,
509
00:21:30,625 --> 00:21:33,375
but if you don't listen to the doctor,
then I'm sorry,
510
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:36,000
but I won't help you
produce semen anymore."
511
00:21:36,083 --> 00:21:38,133
- You wouldn't do that.
- I have no choice!
512
00:21:38,166 --> 00:21:39,375
Oh, I'm sorry.
513
00:21:39,458 --> 00:21:43,000
We all love you, Andrew,
and we only want what's best for you.
514
00:21:43,083 --> 00:21:45,958
Okay, I'm gonna listen to the doctor,
515
00:21:45,959 --> 00:21:49,582
and I'm gonna do it
to please all these people in front of me.
516
00:21:49,583 --> 00:21:52,333
No, Andrew, do it for yourself.
517
00:21:52,416 --> 00:21:54,875
I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try.
518
00:21:54,958 --> 00:21:56,750
Okay, come on.
519
00:21:56,833 --> 00:21:58,791
Come in, come in, come on, here we go.
520
00:21:58,875 --> 00:22:00,666
Hey, sorry I'm late.
521
00:22:00,750 --> 00:22:03,291
I'm Andrew's left nut.
I got caught in a zipper.
522
00:22:03,292 --> 00:22:06,499
You can roll right out
'cause he's already had his breakthrough.
523
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:09,291
Oh, so I wrote a whole letter for nothing.
Great.
524
00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:11,916
[crickets chirping]
525
00:22:13,125 --> 00:22:15,291
- [yawns]
- Ah, you were hungry.
526
00:22:15,292 --> 00:22:16,582
- Hey.
- Oh, you know what?
527
00:22:16,583 --> 00:22:19,541
- I'm just gonna grab a little, um...
- That's totally fair.
528
00:22:19,625 --> 00:22:21,625
No. You know what? It's just that, um...
529
00:22:21,708 --> 00:22:26,458
- You really don't have to say anything.
- The staring was just... I-I'm sorry.
530
00:22:26,541 --> 00:22:28,791
No, no, no, I am the one who is sorry.
531
00:22:28,875 --> 00:22:30,458
Well, I am not sorry.
532
00:22:30,541 --> 00:22:33,666
I revere them titties,
and I am proud of it.
533
00:22:33,750 --> 00:22:38,875
Um, I'm just gonna go do homework
in my room until Delilah grows up, so...
534
00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:42,541
[sighs] Well, I'm gonna miss
Caitlin's big fat titties.
535
00:22:42,625 --> 00:22:44,250
[sighs] Me too.
536
00:22:44,251 --> 00:22:46,165
But she deserves to be able to breastfeed
537
00:22:46,166 --> 00:22:48,415
without someone staring at her
like a little creep.
538
00:22:48,416 --> 00:22:49,415
I guess.
539
00:22:49,416 --> 00:22:51,583
[groans] I feel like Andrew.
540
00:22:51,666 --> 00:22:54,375
- Ow!
- Don't you dare fucking talk like that.
541
00:22:54,458 --> 00:22:55,508
I'm sorry, Dad.
542
00:22:55,583 --> 00:22:58,958
I should've known it was stupid
to eat anything from Jay's garage.
543
00:22:58,959 --> 00:23:00,707
I want you to learn from this, Nicky,
544
00:23:00,708 --> 00:23:03,665
because steroids can cause
blood clots and liver failure,
545
00:23:03,666 --> 00:23:05,624
not to mention they shrink your testicles.
546
00:23:05,625 --> 00:23:08,583
Oh yeah, look at my little peppercorns.
547
00:23:08,666 --> 00:23:10,375
Aw, they're so cute.
548
00:23:10,458 --> 00:23:13,375
I mean, I know steroids are famously bad.
549
00:23:13,458 --> 00:23:15,291
It just sucks being so small.
550
00:23:15,375 --> 00:23:17,166
Well, I was a late bloomer too,
551
00:23:17,250 --> 00:23:21,166
but I was patient,
and now every part of me is normal-sized.
552
00:23:21,250 --> 00:23:23,120
- Well, except my...
- Your penis, I know.
553
00:23:23,166 --> 00:23:27,375
But you make up for it by quote,
"giving dynamite cunnilingus."
554
00:23:27,458 --> 00:23:31,625
Mm-hmm. And you don't need steroids
to have an eager and curious tongue.
555
00:23:31,708 --> 00:23:33,166
Ugh. Thanks, Dad?
556
00:23:33,250 --> 00:23:35,708
Aw, this is so beautiful,
557
00:23:35,791 --> 00:23:38,458
like when your dad
sticks his tongue in your mom.
558
00:23:38,541 --> 00:23:39,958
[sobs]
559
00:23:39,959 --> 00:23:43,707
{\an8}Hey, I got your text,
but before you say your thing,
560
00:23:43,708 --> 00:23:45,958
I was just thinking, pregnant Daisy Duck.
561
00:23:46,041 --> 00:23:49,000
What if you got stuck
in a bank lobby with her?
562
00:23:49,001 --> 00:23:50,790
Think that's an episode of Friends.
563
00:23:50,791 --> 00:23:54,625
Are you serious? Oh my God.
Wait until I tell Schwimmer about this.
564
00:23:54,708 --> 00:23:58,625
Look, I, uh... I don't wanna think
about pregnant Daisy Duck for a while.
565
00:23:58,708 --> 00:24:00,958
So, what, just pregnant humans?
566
00:24:01,041 --> 00:24:03,791
No. Nothing sexual, okay?
567
00:24:03,875 --> 00:24:07,333
For the next three weeks,
my sweet epididymis must heal,
568
00:24:07,416 --> 00:24:09,000
so I'm setting some boundaries.
569
00:24:09,083 --> 00:24:10,403
[nervous laughter] What?
570
00:24:10,416 --> 00:24:12,208
Why are you being so dramatic?
571
00:24:12,291 --> 00:24:16,041
Because I am more
than just a disgusting little cum cow.
572
00:24:16,125 --> 00:24:17,583
I contain multitudes.
573
00:24:17,666 --> 00:24:21,166
You sound crazy right now, you know that?
We are a team.
574
00:24:21,250 --> 00:24:23,375
You jack off and I say, "Way to jack off!"
575
00:24:23,458 --> 00:24:26,000
Not anymore, Maury. Be gone.
576
00:24:26,083 --> 00:24:29,166
Wow, you're...
you're really serious, aren't you?
577
00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:32,125
Oh, I'm as serious as XM radio, brother.
578
00:24:32,208 --> 00:24:36,458
Okay, I'll leave,
but for the, you know, "record,"
579
00:24:36,541 --> 00:24:38,875
this is your loss, Andrew,
580
00:24:38,876 --> 00:24:40,957
- because I'm, like...
- [emotional music]
581
00:24:40,958 --> 00:24:42,791
...I'm a really cool guy. [sobbing]
582
00:24:42,875 --> 00:24:44,041
Goodbye, Maury.
583
00:24:44,125 --> 00:24:46,041
Yeah, well then, I guess I'll, uh,
584
00:24:46,125 --> 00:24:48,458
you know, see you
when you stop cumming blood.
585
00:24:48,541 --> 00:24:50,000
[sobs] Okay.
586
00:24:50,083 --> 00:24:52,708
? But no one ?
587
00:24:54,208 --> 00:24:58,125
? Is ever gonna love you more than I do... ?
588
00:24:58,208 --> 00:25:01,125
["No One's Gonna Love You"
by Band Of Horses playing]
589
00:25:01,208 --> 00:25:05,125
? No one's gonna love you more than I do ?
590
00:25:07,708 --> 00:25:10,916
? And anything to make you smile ?
591
00:25:12,583 --> 00:25:15,041
? It is a better side ?
592
00:25:16,458 --> 00:25:18,458
? Of you to admire ?
593
00:25:20,958 --> 00:25:24,708
? But they should never take so long ?
594
00:25:25,750 --> 00:25:28,541
? Just to be over ?
595
00:25:29,125 --> 00:25:31,416
? Then back to another one ?
596
00:25:40,326 --> 00:25:42,424
Chirp.
597
00:25:42,425 --> 00:25:46,975
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