Original subtitles

You happy? You're happy.

Come on.

You wanna go that way? Sure, we can go that way.

Okay, little bit of pot roast.

Home.

Great. Thanks.

We made it.

Home.

Don't you let me drop these. Don't you let me drop these.

Home!

Home.

Gonna see Stash.

Oh, you're all excited.

Gonna see Stash now.

Let's find Stash.

Okay, you ready?

Go.

What's all that white stuff? What the hell is it?

What's this?

The okay symbol?

This is a flea, that's what it is. It's a goddamn flea.

Stash, can I come in?

No, don't come in.

Eleanor, look at my leg.

Do you see these red dots?

-I see a tiny red dot. -Why are you being so difficult?

This is not a tiny red dot. These are six red dots.

These are fleabites. The house is invested with fleas.

l came home this afternoon, and I found a flea on my arm.

l told you not to take the dog to the pier.

lf you're gonna take the dog out, l told you...

...don't bring him to where there's garbage and rats and fleas.

-Stash, I didn't-- -Eleanor, don't try and argue with me.

You're a lousy liar.

I'm gonna bring the laundry bag...

...and don't come in until you've taken your clothes off.

-They're invested. -What?

You want me to take my clothes off in the hall?

What if Mr. Lewinsky comes home? l can't--

--continues to squirt away from Coleman.

Vince really didn't appear to think that--

What about all this white stuff? We can't live in this.

We'll die.

l have to kill the fleas, don't l? It's flea powder.

Well, let's go out or something. We can't stay here.

There's this girl I met, she's giving a housewarming party tonight.

l wanna watch the game.

Yeah, but...

...remember how I said that I was gonna be different...

...and make some new friends and be an outgoing type of person?

Well, this girl, she might be a friend for me.

l said, I'm watching the game.

Kill him, Lenny.

-Mona, hi. -Hello.

I'm Eleanor. We met at an opening.

This is your new house. It looks terrific.

Excuse me, where did we meet?

A group show at Victor Okrent's gallery, and my boyfriend had some--

-Yeah, you go out with Stash Stotz. -Yeah.

Oh, okay, come on in.

l mean, we haven't even had time to unpack all the boxes yet...

...but Max and I said we were gonna have a housewarming party...

...and we invited a lot of people, so probably we should do it.

There's food in there.

-Hi. -Hi.

Hi. Come on in.

Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?

I'm Mona's mother. This is Mona's stepfather, Harry.

It looks like it's gonna be great.

Mona seemed to think this place was a real find.

It is. It is.

It was our wedding present to them.

Them?

Are you an old friend of Mona's?

No. No, actually.

Do you know where the bathroom is?

Ask Max. I think he has to show you how to use it.

-Are you Max? -No, that's him.

-Max. -Yeah.

-Could you show me the bathroom? -It's not fixed up yet.

l mean, I put the toilet in this afternoon, but there's no door.

I'll tell you what, though, why don't you come up.

I'll put the door up, and you can call me when you wanna come out, okay?

God, you guys were lucky to find this place.

Yeah. Well, you know, it's got a huge mortgage...

...but Mona's parents are helping us out, thank God.

-You go with Stash Stotz, don't you? -Yeah.

God, a whole house. I never knew anybody with a whole house.

Do you know if Victor is looking at, like, new work at the moment?

-I don't know. -Well, could you ask him?

Yeah, sure. You're an artist?

Yeah. I'm working on some sculptures at the moment.

It would be incredibly cool if I could work at it full-time...

...but I've gotta make money...

...so I'm renovating a loft for some people downtown.

It's great.

l mean, it's big.

Big bathroom.

lf you could ask Stash about Victor, that would be really great.

Could I help you?

Do you want a drink or something?

Yeah. Do you have a beer?

Should I just call when I wanna come out?

Max.

Max. Max.

Hello, someone.

-...ecstasy with this guy, and.... -Total stalker.

Hello.

l could have a crush on anyone, but Max just never gets jealous.

Yeah, because you've got the power.

Hello.

Hello, hello!

Help!

Help me. I'm stuck in here.

Help!

God, I'm sorry.

Listen, it wasn't my fault. The door wasn't attached.

l didn't know what to do. l was banging on it.

And are you all right? Are you damaged?

-Are you sure you're not bleeding? -I'm fine. It's okay.

-I hurt you. Do you want an aspirin? -No, I'm fine.

-I'm very sorry. Look, l.... -I'm okay. Don't worry.

I'm so ashamed.

I'll be okay.

I'll put the door back.

I'll just get....

We got to stay in the deluxe suite, which had a fully stocked liquor bar.

We gave parties for the whole group every night for two weeks.

Where were you?

China. There was liquor of every possible kind imaginable.

We'd just finish it off, and the next day they'd replace everything.

-It sounds fascinating. -It was fascinating.

-Do you mind if I sit here? -The most fascinating trip I've been on.

-The way they ran it was cool. -No.

It was a package deal. You paid for it once, and everything--

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know. It's not my house. It's not my chair.

The chair was broken. I'm sorry.

-You, like, can't really sit on that chair. -Don't sit on that chair.

l should have put a sign on it or something.

Try this. Try this.

Thanks.

-Have you had any chicken? -I was just about to, and the chair--

-What'd you think? -Well, it--

Max and I made these dipping sauces.

And I was gonna make the chicken, but then I thought, "Fuck it"...

...and I sent him to Kentucky Fried Chicken.

l figured no one's ever gonna know.

What do I have to go to all the trouble for?

So I told Max, "Take it out of the box and put it in a basket...

...and they'll think we got it at Balducci's." Right?

It's great. I'm gonna have some.

l think this one is okay.

That was kind of fun. And then we traveled around.

But I think the thing that really makes a trip is the people.

I'm Mikell Silker.

Are you an actor?

Actually, I'm a writer.

-Where are you from? -South Africa. Johannesburg.

You know, this is really stupid, but l know somebody from Johannesburg.

Yeah, his name is Jimmy Guinn.

-I know Jimmy Guinn. -Oh, yeah.

Seriously. I went to school with him.

-You know Jimmy Guinn? -Yeah.

-A very tall, skinny guy. -Yeah, yeah. That's Jimmy.

Where do you know Guinny from?

l met him in a bar in New Haven. This is crazy.

What kind of writer are you?

Fiction. Stories and stuff, you know.

What are you doing?

She knows Jimmy Guinn.

Yeah, I know Jimmy Guinn.

He's from-- He's tall.

You know, my friend from South Africa. I told you about him.

-No, you didn't. -Yes, I did.

No, you didn't.

Hi. I'm Eleanor.

Great.

Look, I'm gonna go try to find Mona and say goodbye, okay?

-Yeah. -Okay.

It was nice to meet you.

What's her name?

That's B.

Listen, can I give you a call?

We could have coffee or something.

Did you say you were a friend of Mona's or Max's?

-I really don't know either of them. -You going to China?

So did you come here all by yourself?

l don't know anybody.

Excuse me, do you work here?

Yes. Do you know how to spell "definitely"?

Yeah, sure. Look, what I need is an advance copy of the paper.

l need the classifieds section before anybody else.

-I gotta find an apartment, a loft. -It doesn't come out till tomorrow.

But you can get it for me sooner, couldn't you? You work here, right?

Yeah.

What if I give you half a sandwich or something?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's something in my shoe.

You know anything about athlete's foot?

-Have you ever had it? -No.

l had a rock in my shoe.

l don't think having a rock in your shoe is like athlete's foot, do you?

Do you know what athlete's foot looks like?

Maybe you ought to take a look, just to make sure.

-No, I don't wanna look at it. -You could write about it.

I'm not a writer.

No? Jesus.

Could you take your foot off...?

How did we ever get on this subject in the first place?

Hey, are you a reporter?

Because I have a story that would definitely interest you.

See, I'm trying to raise money to build my chapel...

...the Chapel of Jesus Christ as a Woman...

...adjacent to the Vatican, complete with her own Stations of the Cross.

Are you a priest?

She'll be washing dishes, changing diapers, fixing a picnic, et cetera.

I'm going to Rome to build it. It's just a question of funding.

Excuse me for a second. You know, I've seen you before.

Would you model for me?

l want you to be La Christa. l already have a cross and everything.

I'm not a model...

...and I'm not a reporter. You don't know how to spell "definitely," do you?

This one is gorgeous.

What do you call it?

Ode to Hero of the Future Number 5.

You see, in times of antiquity...

...there were real heroes known for their great achievements.

But in today's world, all we have are celebrities...

...people known for their well-known-ness.

You see, a century ago, men were more heroic than people of today.

And some guys in antiquity were even more heroic.

While in the times of prehistory, there were real gods, like me.

This one.

This one....

This one....

This one is the weakest of the three.

Actually...

...it's no good at all.

What are you talking about?

You're wrong.

Goddamn it, Marley, l just bought those chairs.

Sorry.

The chair just broke by itself.

-You should return it. -On Wednesday...

...you're meeting Chuck Dade Dolger for breakfast.

He's picking you up.

Don't forget, he likes a big eater.

Maybe he'll buy a painting.

Buy a painting?

You said he was gonna give me a grant to build my chapel in Rome.

l didn't say that.

l never said that, Marley.

He's an important collector. It's enough if he buys a painting.

Please, I beg of you, don't bring up the chapel.

-There's just one thing I wanna say. -What's that?

l have a great idea for when I get rich.

I'm gonna hire John Lennon, Shakespeare, Puccini...

...and Jimi Hendrix to write an opera. Isn't that a great idea?

They're dead, Marley.

Don't forget breakfast.

Excuse me, but I'm a little nervous.

l just wanna get one thing clear.

-This isn't a date, right? -A date?

Yeah, because I live with someone, and l--

Me too. I live with B.

So how's it going?

What?

-Living with someone. -Fine.

Just wish....

What?

Well...

...nothing.

Stash is a genius, and so of course he's a little eccentric...

...and I'm the type of person who mates for life.

You know, like a goose.

So do you like cooking?

Yeah, I'm a good cook. Yeah.

Stuffed cabbage.

But Stash doesn't approve. He gets mad, because he says...

...he'd rather just get a piece of pizza on the way home.

He's very busy.

But I think if you're going to live together...

...then you should eat together.

So, what else do you do besides not cooking?

To make some money, l work part-time...

...at an East Village newspaper doing copyediting.

But I don't know how long it's going to last.

-The paper? -No, the job. I really can't spell.

But the real thing that I do is design hats.

l think my hats are pretty good. They're different, anyway.

Do you--? Do you actually sell them?

l mean, the one you've got on is fairly unusual.

Well, I don't know. The problem is, l really don't know how to sew...

...so they don't look so good.

What I need is a manufacturer.

But when they see them, they tell me to go away.

But, I mean, a lot of designers can't sew.

Coco Chanel, for example.

Coco Chanel couldn't sew?

l don't know.

What about you?

How's your relationship?

It's fine.

Fine.

There's one small problem.

We fight all the time...

...but it's her apartment.

Listen, could I call you again?

We could be friends.

Friends?

Yeah, sure, if you wanna be.

Great.

-Could you sign your book for me? -Sure.

-And write down your phone number. -Okay.

--combining business with pleasure? I've never found there was.

They have a lovely place, Johnny, just outside of Paris.

A week in London, a week in Paris, 10 days in the south of France, ideal.

Then you could sail from Genoa and return by the--

Now he wants me to start making some financial contribution...

...but he still doesn't wanna marry me.

So of course now is the moment when Bruce, the old flame reappears...

...and he wants me to live with him.

-Well, what are you gonna do? -Well, I know Bruce is a jerk...

...but I thought I'd live with him and then teach one day a week in Boston...

...and maybe I'd meet somebody l like better than Bruce in New York.

Abby, I'm telling you, don't do it.

In the old days, marriages were arranged by the parents.

And you could end up with a jerk, but you had the security of marriage.

No one can dump you out on the street.

In today's world, it's a slave system.

You live with this guy in New York, you'll be a slave.

What would happen if you two have a fight and he tells you to move out?

With your salary, you'll never be able to find an apartment.

Well, I thought I would be with Bruce while I looked for someone else.

Abby, forget it.

You think you'll be making an improvement. That's not the case.

It's not the same in other cities. Rents aren't so high.

Roger doesn't have the power over you...

...if you threaten to move out, get your own place in Boston.

Are you sure there are no available men in New York?

There are hundreds of women. They are out on the prowl.

And the men are all gay or in the slave class themselves.

Your only solution is to get rich so you can have your own apartment.

Then you can have your own slave. He would be poor but amenable.

Well, these women, the ones that are prowling, are they attractive?

Abby, this is New York. They all have $1 50 haircuts and--

Hundred-and-fifty-dollar haircuts?

How much are these gonna cost?

Don't worry about it. I traded Francine some of my hats for them.

Didn't you see them? They're over here.

Oh, those are yours? Show me.

Wow, these are terrific.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Have you sold a lot of them?

Not yet, but...

...Francine said that one almost sold last week.

God, Eleanor, you're so lucky. l mean, you get to live in New York...

...you have a boyfriend who's a famous artist, an interesting life.

Yeah, I'm really crazy about him.

Sometimes it surprises me, because all I ever wanted was an ordinary life.

Come on, let's go.

Andrew needs his walkies, and....

-Thanks. Thanks. -Sure.

l gotta fix dinner.

By George, I'll get him.

l had coffee today with this really interesting guy. You'd like him.

-What guy? -This guy.

He lives near here with his girlfriend, B.

She's an artist, he's a writer.

Maybe the four of us could all go out sometime.

You went out for coffee with a man?

Yeah, coffee.

We talked about his book, and he gave me a copy. He seems nice.

It'd be nice if we had some new friends. Here, I'll show you what he wrote.

l can't....

l can't even believe....

Listen, Eleanor...

...why don't you just move out, start sleeping with this guy.

What?

How dare you.

How dare you bring home little love notes from some cretin.

Are you kidding?

What are you talking about?

Don't give me that dumb act.

What?

l wouldn't have told you if there were anything going on.

All I did was talk to Mikell about you and how great you are.

And he talked about B.

Don't give me that.

That's how it begins.

How what begins?

Go out for coffee, talk about relationships...

...and then you jump into bed with each other.

You're not serious, are you?

Why don't you just go fuck this guy.

But I don't want to.

l mean, are you provoking this because you want me to move out?

lf you want me to move out, then just say so.

You know how much I love you.

l can't understand your reaction.

Then there's something wrong with you.

What is it that I hate about you most?

My messiness.

No.

My personality.

Nope.

It's your insecurity.

That's what I hate most about you. You're so damn insecure.

-Why don't you stop? -I know I'm insecure...

...but I don't understand how my having coffee with a man...

...illustrates this particular character defect.

Oh, yeah?

Well...

...you just think about it, Eleanor.

Just think about it.

l made a painting for you, Daria.

l was thinking for a while that I'd like you to have one.

l just finished it. It's a-- It's a kind of a new direction.

Caviar?

So...

...what do you think?

Hey, did I tell you?

Ginger says my work might be at the Biennale.

-Really? -She got a call last week.

Jesus Christ, Marley.

I'm just gonna quit.

They're trying to break my spleen.

I've known Ginger Booth for 1 4 years.

She promised me this year she was gonna represent me.

My leg.

Jesus. Are you all right?

Yeah.

Listen, I gotta go. I told Ginger I'd finish some new stuff...

...and bring it over.

You're not gonna quit, Sherman.

You'll get a break one of these days. Just hang in there.

-Bye, Marley. -Bye.

Anyway, this is your painting.

lf you want me to unstretch it, l can probably carry it for you.

Maybe you should rethink what you're trying to do.

Rethink what I'm trying to do?

Yeah.

Well, I was just about to ask you to marry me, but now I won't.

How many times can you not ask me to marry you?

I'd never marry you anyway.

Don't be so sure.

You might, if you got desperate enough.

Never.

A porcupine will follow a trail of Tums anywhere...

...because it's desperate for calcium.

But I'm not gonna follow you again.

-Sorry. -Hey, man.

Let me tell you something, Marley. I'm a very desirable person.

There's a lot of women who'd be happy to have me around.

It doesn't happen often that two people love each other that much.

God, I'm so depressed.

l mean, what the hell am I doing here?

What the fuck is all this supposed to be?

See you in a while.

Oh, God, there he is. Hey. Hey, Marley!

-Marley. -Hey.

Hi. Listen, I'm locked out, and I can't find my keys. Can I come up with you?

-Sure. Come on. -Are you sure?

-Bye. -Good night.

-Good night. -Call me.

l will.

God, how could I have done this to Sherman?

The guy's my best friend.

Well, I'll just tell Sherman that it's over between him and me.

No. Don't do that.

Please don't say anything to him.

Oh, shit.

Lookit, Daria...

...you're a great girl and everything...

...but my friendship with Sherman is kind of more important.

I'll tell you what.

How would you like one of my paintings?

Would you really let me have one of your paintings?

Could you also show my slides to your dealer?

l don't have a gallery.

Mantello!

Mr. Mantello, what is going on in there?

How do you do these things?

l didn't do anything. l just turned on the sink.

You are my least favorite human. You are nothing but bullshit.

Now, why don't you get lost.

Mantello.

Hey. Look. Look.

Taxi!

Hold it!

Come on.

You scared the hell out of that woman.

Yeah, you think so?

l remember when I first met you how I was attracted to you...

...because you look so dangerous.

Well, that's definitely a symptom of immaturity on your part, Eleanor.

-Stash, don't let's fight. -Okay, okay. We'll be friends.

Really?

God, Stash. But...

...please don't pick on me every second of my existence.

Makes me feel like I'm a fly, and you're picking the wings off me.

Oh, don't give me that "wings picked off' business, Eleanor.

Chocolates.

-What a loud little mouth. -Can we go home soon?

Cigarettes, anybody?

Hello, Mooshka. How are you?

-Happy birthday, darling. -Happy birthday to you.

Good luck.

She looks very nice.

Godzilla.

Which one of you guys gave me this?

We did.

What's he do?

It's from me and Eleanor.

-It's a lighter. -How does it work?

He does this:

Which one's Eleanor?

Want some cake?

Henry, do you want some of my cake?

-I made this one. -Then I'll have to try it.

That little Daria, she's such a flirt.

Sometimes I think:

"How did a daughter of mine become such a femme fatale?"

And then I realize she takes after her mother.

You look pensive.

Henry will pour us some champagne, and you'll stop pensing.

Come this way.

Come on.

You don't have any champagne. Have some champagne.

-Henry, here's your cake. -Come on, this is a party.

Show me your smile.

You don't look very happy.

l was just planning my boyfriend's funeral.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. l didn't know.

No, he's not dead. But you know how you get mad, and you think:

"Gee, what a tragedy it would be if he died," and how-- How--

What the funeral would be like and how nice everyone would be to you.

I'm a hat designer. I design hats.

And I was thinking, "What kind of hat would I wear?"

And I thought something big, kind of-- Kind of Anna Magnani.

And-- But flat. Something flat, you know.

I think a flat hat would be appropriate, and of course it would be black.

And I was thinking:

"Well, the funeral could have lots of little people dressed up as ducks"...

...because he's a painter.

-So I was thinking-- -Excuse me. Excuse me.

Thank you.

-This is going to be so much fun. -Who are you talking about?

I'm so excited. I always wanted to be the wife.

Oh, let me know if he gets tired of you. I always wanted to be a wife.

I have all the cleaning supplies right here in my bag.

-But you've heard the story... -You don't happen to have a Valium?

-No, I'm sorry, I don't. -...of how I fixed the sewage system?

Do you know what happened today?

It was so much fun. I met Eddie Fisher.

Oh, Eddie Fisher.

-Who's that guy on the bed? -Don't know what you're talking about.

-I think I'm falling in love. -He's my boyfriend.

-He's not that attractive. -Well....

-Oh, you write art criticism? -Don't be stupid. No.

I think that-- Oh, goodbye.

-It's been very nice talking to you. -See you later.

So, what do you think of Daria's art?

Oh, I think it's wonderful, you know.

Reminds you of decoration one can see...

...in some Italian restaurants in Brooklyn.

Yes, or like something at one of those summer-camp crafts projects.

No. Not at all.

Where are you from? Originally, I mean.

-Where am I from? -Yes.

Where am I from?

What kind of question is that?

Gee, I'm sorry.

I don't know where you're from to ask such things.

I'm sorry.

I'll just take you to meet him, then.

-Anyway, I'll call you tomorrow, okay? -All right.

Good night, Eleanor. Bye, Stash.

You look weird.

-What was that about? -What?

That she was going to call you tomorrow.

I'm gonna try and find her a gallery.

Maybe Victor will take her. Her stuff is good, don't you think?

It looks like what you'd find in Italian restaurants in Brooklyn.

Hold on a second. Let me sit down.

-What's wrong? -Oh, nothing. I'm just--

I felt a little dizzy there for a second.

Okay, I'm all right now. Let's go.

I'm not too good. Let's just lean on that car over there.

-How much champagne did you drink? -One glass.

-I just can't continue. -Well, don't take off your clothes.

lf you don't feel good, let's at least wait till we get home.

Can't move.

lf I stand up, I'm going to faint.

What are you doing? We can't just stay here.

I can't walk.

We'd better go see my doctor.

lf I hadn't been with you tonight...

...and you were lying across the sidewalk alone...

...you could've been in big trouble.

Are you gonna go see my doctor tomorrow?

That does it. We're going to the emergency room right now.

No!

I'll go see a doctor tomorrow.

I'm feeling much better now.

Now, could you please walk the dog tonight?

I don't think I can make it.

Hi, this is Emily.

This is Marley Mantello's private secretary. He's not here--

Fred, stop that. I'm not in the mood.

I'm trying to leave a message here.

He's not in right now. Fred, don't touch me there. Not right now.

Anyway, after the beep, please.

Goddamn it, Marley, wake up. I know you're there.

Look, we're coming by in 1 5 minutes, so shape up.

And don't touch any food, not a morsel, not a crumb.

In you go, Princess.

You know, tell you the truth, I was never much interested in art.

Come along, Princess.

Here you go, darling. Here you go.

There.

Then one day, at the age of 52, I looked at a painting.

It was by accident, more or less, and I couldn't breathe.

I thought I was having a heart attack for that one minute.

So one thing led to another...

...and now I got a man in Montana...

...who calls himself an environmental artist...

...who is moving piles of mud from one part of Montana to another.

And I've got me a gal chained to a Korean...

...and a Doberman pinscher...

...who is videotaping every moment of their year chained together.

And it's costing me a bundle.

I bought that picture to embarrass my mother.

She died last year, age 87.

I can laugh about it now.

Listen, I can make you more famous than anybody since the Medici.

You could have your own chapel, the Chuck Dade Dolger Chapel.

Maybe. Just maybe.

Let's get going with those fixings.

Could you try not to alienate him, Marley?

I know how difficult it is.

Who, me?

Oatmeal?

No. I'll just have the grapefruit.

Just the grapefruit?

I'll have the oatmeal after I finish this.

Gotta tell you something.

I'm thinking about buying one of your goddamn paintings.

-Which one? -Eat, Marley. Don't talk, eat.

What the hell's wrong with you?

How can you expect to paint if you can't eat?

I don't have much faith in any man today...

...except your true Renaissance man.

Now, you take your average man of today...

...why, he's expected to be a specialist.

And that's no better than some lower form of nature.

Here, have some more eggs and some more sausage.

There you go.

Your work is a pretty thing.

Well, not so much these, maybe.

What the hell is going with--? What's this supposed to be?

It's a party of beauty.

It's a big get-together of all the beautiful people.

Venus of Milo, Aphrodite, Hebe, the Graces...

...Cupid, Apollo, Hyperion, Narcissus.

Well, I don't care for it much, but that small one in her office....

Oh, you mean Geoffrey Chaucer's First Date.

That painting displays as fine a representation...

...of a pair of ladies' breasts as I have ever seen.

-Do you use a live model? -Dirty magazines.

Oh, Marley, keep your voice down.

We don't want Ginger and Princess to take offense at that, do we?

Now, let me ask you something, Marley.

That old Geoffrey Chaucer on His First Date.

Now, that's what I'd call overpriced, wouldn't you say?

Chuck, that is between you and me.

You have no business bringing that up with Marley.

You rich collectors are always looking for bargains.

Listen, that painting is cheap at twice the price. At 1 0 times the price.

-Shut up. Eat. -You brought me here to kill me.

You collectors are just waiting for me to die.

Then you'll have your field day, like with Géricault...

-...Gauguin and Van Gogh. -Van Gogh.

Look at this.

l got here an hour ago, and I found this.

They slashed my Dudley Do-Right painting...

...and they stole the Donald Duck.

Were they gonna be in the show?

Yes, they were gonna be in the show.

Fuck am I supposed to do now?

They slashed the Dudley Do-Right, but they stole Donald.

l guess they like Donald better than Dudley.

No, I like the Dudley. l thought the Dudley was terrific.

l don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do!

Okay, okay. How many paintings do you have left?

-Fourteen. -How many do you need for the show?

Twenty.

Couldn't you just have fewer?

Dudley Do-Right and Donald were the best paintings...

...and the show was designed around them.

And the watercolors were stolen.

l was gonna show them downstairs.

Look. These look like watercolors.

Oh, yeah, these are the watercolors.

Let me see them. I never saw them.

This is called The Wisdom of Solomon.

Oh, they're nice.

You don't-- Oh, look at that.

-I love them. -This is Moses in the Bulrushes.

Tom as little Moses. Cleopatra's played by Jerry.

Cleopatra?

Yeah.

Nice.

Oh, Stash, these are great.

You-- Oh, God.

You really must have been working hard.

These are wonderful.

Stash.

Oh, Daria. Great.

You can help me take my stuff down to Victor's.

Hi, Eleanor. l didn't expect to see you here.

l want this stuff out of here. l was burglarized.

What about your show?

l guess this means you won't be able to come with me.

Well, I can't now, Eleanor. Just go without me.

Just tell Wilfredo who you are.

l traded a painting to Wilfredo Sylvain for a dress for Eleanor.

Lucky you. What are you gonna get?

l don't know.

Maybe one of those dresses that look like cotton candy.

Why can't you paint those missing paintings over again?

When would I have time to do it?

Don't you have an assistant?

l could probably help.

You? You can't even glue a feather on right.

Well, I'm not doing anything.

Yeah? Maybe.

Are you sure? I mean, we'd have to work all night.

l stay up all night anyway.

Putting on more makeup, Eleanor?

No. Actually, I'm just checking to make sure that I'm still here.

Did you ever get the feeling that you didn't exist?

l started to feel that way since-- Since yesterday.

Did you go see the doctor?

l couldn't get an appointment till day after tomorrow.

-What's wrong? -Nothing.

Nothing, I just faint occasionally. l fainted right after your birthday party.

Maybe you drank too much.

He's been showing....

What? What is this?

l can't believe it. Uta's show is still hanging.

How can I come here and hang my show?

-Zoe, where is Victor? -In the office.

Stash?

Stash?

Stash. What are you doing here?

-Victor, I can't believe this. -Stash.

You told me last week Uta's show would be down...

-...and you'd get the walls repainted. -Stash, not now.

Come back in an hour.

How you gonna get the walls repainted in time?

-That's enamel paint. -Stash.

-I can't go through this again! -Be calm long enough...

...to meet these men from Japanese television.

-How are you? -Hi. How are you?

Eleanor.... Sorry, l forgot your last name.

Victor. Victor.

-Come in. -You're from Japanese television?

You can be part of the interview. Come on in.

-Ladies, please. -And I love that whole aesthetic.

Later, we'll talk.

Oh, God.

Please, gentlemen, step in.

Victor, they broke into my studio, and the two biggest paintings:

How many times have I told you?

Never leave your finished work in the studio.

l have told you a hundred times.

Send the new work down here as soon as it's finished.

-You said you have no room for it! -You don't listen to me, Stash!

When I tell--

Please continue.

When I tell you that I'm in the middle of an important interview...

...and having you cause a scene.

Look at you. You sound incoherent.

-I sound incoherent? -I'm sorry.

l can't deal with you when you operate from this position of insecurity.

l don't need to take this shit.

You coming, Eleanor?

No, she's going to pick out her dress. Me and you are going to work.

Bye. Nice to meet you. Stash?

Please.... Gentlemen, please excuse his behavior.

They all get nervous before their shows.

I'll speak to him later.

Where did he go, Eleanor?

That girl is going to help him duplicate his paintings.

This is all exhausting for me. It's like a constant battle.

Can't you talk to him, Eleanor? I'm trying to run a gallery here.

This is about planning for the future. When he bursts in--

I gotta go. I-- I-- I'll try and tell him.

I don't wanna be in home movies.

I can't sleep. I'm up all night.

Now this, now that.

I've been to his place four times in the last six months...

-I don't wanna be in-- -...to help him shape his work.

And he acts as if he has no-- No respect for me.

Now, that's really why I came--

I'm Eleanor. l came to pick out a dress.

My boyfriend, Stash Stotz, he traded a painting for a dress for me.

-I don't know anything about it. -You don't?

Is Wilfredo around?

Wilfredo, hi. I'm Eleanor, Stash's girlfriend.

-He was gonna come with me, but-- -Oh, yeah. How you doing?

-Came to pick up a coat, right? -A dress.

Yeah, I got a really great coat for you in the back.

Just one problem with it, which is why they're not that popular.

It's not fireproof, if you know what I mean.

So just stay away from cigarettes when you wear it.

Where did you get that hat?

l made it.

Yeah? It's really cool.

l make hats.

Yeah? You sell them?

Not yet, not really.

-You got more? -Yeah.

Maybe sometime l could take a look at them?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'd love to show you.

Here you go. Linda.

It's got a tail.

Kind of goes with your hat, huh?

Yeah, really. It's great.

So I'll give you a call about those hats.

-Fantastic. -Just remember...

...to keep away from fire when you wear this coat, all right?

Do you really think Victor's done all that much for you?

l don't know where else I'd show if I wasn't with Victor.

This whole thing is my fault.

He told me not to leave my work in the studio before the show.

Become aware of the many...

...unconsciously negative things you say.

-I'm aware of it. -Daria.

-Learn to be your own best friend. -I am negative.

-Tell yourself only positive things. -I've got a dog.

-When you stand up your boss.... -He took out a lot of big ads.

l screwed up. I don't know what I'd do without him.

-I feel stupid. -"I'm hopeless and inept.... "

-This is gonna be really neat-looking. -I am stupid.

Reprogram yourself whenever you do this.

-Put some glitter. -Say, "I, Roberta--"

-l, Roberta-- -Use your own name.

-l, Eleanor... -"Feel good about myself.

-...feel good about myself. -I am a valuable.... "

l think it's gonna turn out even better.

"--esteemed as a unique individual. "

-God, it's freezing in here, Marley. -Here, have some.

l think I'll call it....

It's been freezing for months. That's why I stopped paying the rent.

And now the son-of-a-bitch landlord is evicting me.

God, my heart is broken. l think I'm dying.

l don't understand how she could have the nerve to reject me.

-Who is it? -Emergency.

It's the New York City Health Department. Open the door.

Mantello, you're my least favorite human.

l got a friend upstairs who's dying. Turn on the heat.

You're evicted. You are not existing any longer.

Many months you have bounced the checks.

Now we have this water disaster.

You're the responsibility.

l hate you.

The man is insane.

I'd call up the NewsWatch hotline,

but they don't give a fuck about a starving artist.

No, they just care about the rich people in this city.

God, my heart's broken.

Tell you what.

I'm gonna show you some stuff I've been thinking about.

Well, what do you think?

-What is it? -What do you mean what is it?

It's Ulysses arriving home.

This is the part where he's being greeted by his filthy old beagle.

Don't you think that Ulysses shit has been painted enough already?

You don't understand. See, Ulysses is gonna be this little derelict.

His wife dumped him. He spent 20 years hanging around bars...

...talking about art and never making it.

You're talking about me, aren't you? That's the way you think I'll turn out.

Anyway, Ulysses gets home.

His wife is living in a sort of Cape Cod beach house.

He comes over to see if she's got a couple dollars she could loan him.

We're talking modern tragedy here.

You're not exactly in sync with the times.

Now, maybe you know something that I don't know...

...but your work looks a lot like a ton of stuff done in the late '60s.

Hey, look, man, l didn't mean to turn on you.

It's just, every time you start talking, l start thinking about Daria.

Couldn't you just hire her as your assistant...

...and, you know, sit around and say nice things about me?

-Yeah, who is it? -Hi, Marley.

-Hey, man. -I'm just across the street...

...and I thought I'd come over.

-I don't think that's-- -I've been thinking about you a lot.

-Really? -What?

When was the last time anybody seduced you?

Mar-- Hey.

Shit.

l bought you a chicken.

-Can I come up? -No, no.

-What? -No, no.

-And some chocolates. -You can't come up.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You look adorable today.

-Oh, yeah. -Well, I thought you'd like this chicken.

Hey, I can't-- Listen.

This isn't gonna work out, Daria. I'm sorry.

You don't want me coming upstairs?

-Did you say you have chocolates? -Truffles.

I'll just taste one.

-You don't want that chicken? -It's for you.

Well, I don't want the chicken to go to waste.

-Gotta go. -Hey.

-Wait a sec-- -Thanks for the chicken.

You don't mind me spending the night, now you don't want me coming up?

What about that painting you promised me?

Marley.

Marley.

Marley?

Hey, I heard you got broken into. What's happening with your show?

It's fucked!

But I'm gonna have it anyway. I'm just gonna repaint the stuff over.

Yeah, man, it's a drag.

l got a call out of L.A....

So I go, "What about my fur coat?" And he goes:

"No, they didn't take your fur coat, but they drank your orange juice."

-So I go-- -Hi, Beauregard, how are you?

Fine.

Fritz.

-What? -My name is Fritz.

Fritz. I'm sorry.

Eleanor, why don't you go get us some drinks.

Here is a...

...20.

What are you having, Fritz?

Make it an Absolut on the rocks.

Give me a beer.

-I don't feel so good. I feel weird. -Okay, okay.

So anyway, I ask him, "What about the VCR and the television?"

-I'm very sorry, I'm going to faint. -Well, here, here. Sit up here.

Are you pregnant or something?

No. No, I'm not. l just feel faint. I'm....

l feel-- I know I'm gonna be okay because I'm in a chair now.

-Thanks. -Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-I was just leaving anyway. -All right. Thank you.

I'm going to faint.

Listen, on Sunday, we're having the baseball. First of the season.

-You want me to play? -Yeah.

-I'll try and make it. -Hi.

Mooshka. Bill, do you know Mooshka?

Listen, I can't tell you how I feel. Look at my important accident.

Your face, what happened?

My eyebrows, my eyelashes and most of my hair was blown off...

...because I put my head in the oven for testing, and then the explosion.

-That's terrible. -I want to look at you...

...in the stronger light of day.

Come with me into the bathroom.

Excuse me.

Doesn't he watch out for you, take care of you?

Mikell, what are you doing here?

l just came out for the evening. This is a public nightclub.

-How much money have you got? -Five dollars.

No, I mean in general.

-A thousand dollars. -Well, that's enough.

For what?

For you and me to get out of here.

We could start a new life. Or at least have dinner together.

That's very nice of you...

...but you wouldn't want me once you got to know me.

I'm not interesting. l lack social skills.

-I don't exercise. -Oh, shut up.

l think about you all the time.

-Oh, shit, here comes B. -Well, isn't that nice.

You. Listen, you go ahead and do what you want.

You will anyway. l just wanna say one thing.

I'm sick of living in a goddamn city...

...where the women don't support each other.

Men hate women, and the women hate women.

-Hold it, B. I think you're overreacting. -Oh, please.

l don't know what the hell you'd want him for, anyway.

I'm really sorry I got you into this.

Stash.

Stash, this is Mikell. Mikell, this is Stash.

Hi.

I'll give you a call when things settle down.

I've gotta go and find her.

You couldn't be a little subtle about it? You have to meet this guy in public?

l fainted. Mikell picked me up.

l don't care if you do have an affair.

l just think it's disgusting if you do it at my expense.

Stash.

Stash, can we talk about this?

You're acting like a Neanderthal. Why can't we talk about this?

l don't wanna talk about it. Look at you, you're a mess. I'm taking you home.

Oh, my God, it's you.

La Christa, where have you been?

You promised to pose for the nude Polaroids on the cross.

No, I didn't. I didn't.

-What the hell's this? -Nothing.

Please. Stay and talk to me for a minute.

You're out to get me. l can't believe this.

Fine, I'll see you later.

-Stash. -You remember the stone in the shoe?

The athlete's foot, the cross, La Christa in Rome?

The priest who gave me a sandwich.

-What is this? -Please, please.

Please just let me get into the car.

-Do you have a number? -I can't.

-Mott and Houston. Let's go. -Wait.

Can't we just meet for coffee? It's nothing personal.

You never asked me to pose for you once.

Not ever.

l don't normally go to doctors.

The only doctor I ever went to was my family doctor, Dr. Hennessey...

...and he was at least 80 years old, and he used to beg me...

...not to take off my clothes.

Anyway, the point is I wouldn't be here if I didn't think something was wrong.

-You take some drugs? -No. No, I never take drugs.

l mean, I would take drugs if they made me feel good...

...but I tried some a couple of years ago, and they made me feel lousy.

I'm normal. I'm a normal person.

I'm trying to achieve the middle class.

Excuse me, Dr. Pandiya, is there something wrong with me?

Your blood pressure is low.

Probably, if you get up too quickly after a few drinks, you'll feel dizzy.

But I didn't have a few drinks, l fainted in the nightclub.

You wouldn't believe how many people I treat in nightclubs.

People faint all the time. Vasovagal syncope.

You must not have too much fun in clubs.

In my country...

...there are women known for their great strength and endurance...

...who are no stronger than you are, my dear.

But...

...they have something in common which you have not.

What's that?

Smelling salts.

And so in honor of your sensitivity and delicacy...

...l present you with this.

Oh, God, Stash, you're so brilliant.

You think I could ever have one of your paintings?

Oh, shit.

What am I gonna tell Eleanor?

Tell her that we were working late...

...and you had to help me walk my dog...

...and it got attacked by an Akita...

-...so we had to go to the dog hospital. -Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Where were you? Why didn't you call me?

What happened?

Daria was helping me at the studio, and I walked her home...

...and took her dog for a walk, and it was attacked by a cheetah.

We have a dog here.

Tell me you're having an affair.

That's why you've been acting so weird, to cover up.

There's nothing between Daria and me, Eleanor.

We've been friends for years. We used to hang out all the time.

l paid for half of that Godzilla lighter. She never even thanked me.

What about me? I had to spend the whole day at the doctor's.

-What happened? -It was weird.

He spent hours examining my breasts.

What?

Report him. What do your breasts have to do with fainting?

He had to listen to my heart.

-So, what did he say was wrong? -Vasovascular syncopations.

-Which means? -I faint in nightclubs.

It's a common problem.

Why do you go to that crummy clinic? They don't know anything there.

l thought you were murdered. Mugged or murdered.

I'd have nothing without you.

There isn't anything between Daria and me, Eleanor.

Really. Don't be jealous.

All she has is her big old dumb dog, but we have each other.

Please don't tell me you're having an affair.

l wouldn't wanna go on living.

Let's go to sleep, Eleanor.

Everybody, come. Come, here. Come.

Hey, come here.

Now, listen, and listen tight. I'm gonna change the batting order.

You're batting number one, you're number two...

...number three, you're number four, number five, you're number six.

-Can I be seven? -Six.

Seven, eight and nine, okay? Here's the mitter's catch.

"Catcher's mitt."

Now, listen, we lost 28 games, so let's go out there and play, okay?

Come on, let's go. Come on, everybody. Wake up. Let's go.

Hey, Victor.

-So, what's the deal? -No, my friend.

-What? -You're in trouble.

Me? Oh, yeah, look what I got. No, look what I got.

Come on. Well, let's play ball.

Hey, Mantello, we'll see you knock the cover off the ball today, okay?

-Come on, blue. Over here. Let's go. -Move, move.

U-G-L-Y You ain't got no alibi

You're ugly You're just plain ugly!

U-G-L-Y You ain't got no alibi

-Hi. -How do you like my hat?

l brought one into Bendel's last week. They ordered a dozen of them.

-You make hats? -Oh, yeah.

-I didn't know you made hats. -I just got the idea.

l was making these glasses, and then about a week ago...

...the idea just came to me, like in a dream:

"Hey, why don't I make hats."

Everybody go to first on the infield. To first on the infield.

Looking good, Ginger. You are a hot corner.

All right, let's go. Let's see a little action out there. Let's hear a little talk.

-Gonna play baseball today? -Oh, yeah.

Oh, listen, I have to do something with myself.

Two months, I didn't touch any drugs at all.

Two months, I was completely clean.

Then this afternoon, I found myself in a taxi on my way to my dealer.

Man, that's New York for you.

-All right, let's go, ouffield. -Hey, Fritz, come on.

-That's his thing, man. -All right.

On your toes, everybody. On your toes.

Come on, Victor.

Swing, batter.

-Yeah! All right! -All right, go!

-Where's number four? -That's me.

All right, Stash.

Listen, he's got a lousy curve ball, so wait for your ball, okay?

-Come on. -All right, let's go. The play is home.

No outs. The play is home.

-All right, Stash. -Yeah.

-Let's go. -Come on, Stash.

-Come on, Stashy, babe. -Come on. Gonna make you look bad.

-Let's go. -Swing, batter.

Too high. Too high. It's a high pitch. You shouldn't have swung.

-Look at that kid. Isn't he adorable? -Yeah, I guess.

-Cute. -Remember, don't swing like this:

-Oh, listen to this. I'm pregnant. -Okay, here he goes, here he goes.

l mean, I'm madly in love, but, God, it's depressing.

-Are you gonna have the baby? -Oh, yeah. Yeah. Darryl wants us to.

We're gonna get married, if his mother will let him.

-All right, I got his number. -Where is Darryl?

Oh, he's throwing up somewhere. Somewhere back over here.

The play is still home. I got you, Stash. Right here's your ball, baby.

-You got it. You got it. -Come on.

-Yeah. -All right!

All right, that's one. Now we'll get two, double play.

-Shit! -Give me a C

-C! -Give me a K

K! You suck, you suck, you suck

Go home. Go home. Come on.

I'm ready for that. I'd like to have a baby.

l had a dream about a baby.

It was a giant baby with long arms like a chimpanzee, but it was cute.

-Let's go. Get this last one. -Hey, Eleanor!

l guess it's a terrible thing to say, to say you wanna have a baby.

Means I'm a regular person.

-You barf? -Yeah.

-Yeah? You feel better? -No.

-Now, remember.... -Bill.

-Thank you. -Bill, get out of there.

-Take your time. That's my advice. -Take that limey with you.

Get him out of here.

-Bill. -Wait.

-What? -Use my bat. Good for a girl.

No, that's okay, Mickey. I like this bat, because I practiced with it.

The grass is growing here, Bill. Come on.

Baby. Bases are loaded.

All right, that's two big ones. Play is home. Play is home.

l got this one, guys.

Stay alert. Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, we got a slugger up there. Tell everybody move back.

Let's go, Eleanor, baby. Let's go, tiger!

Doesn't look good to me.

-Come on, Eleanor. -All right, we got this one. Easy out.

Hold the man on.

-Eleanor, Eleanor. -What?

Come here.

Really simple.

Just remember everything I told you, put it together and don't think about it.

-It's simple. Just kill it. -You called when the ball was coming.

-Eleanor. -All right, all right.

Thank you very much.

Come on, baby.

-All right, we got her, we got her. -Looking good.

All right. Run!

Eleanor, run!

-Go! -Come on.

Yes.

Eleanor.

Gone!

Please, just hear me out. Listen, you're the only person--

l can't pose for you, I'm playing.

How can I find you? l need to find you, you--

-Tag, she's out! -What the hell are you doing?

-She's out! -Get off her.

Come on.

-What are you, an animal? -Get off me!

You're an animal! You're an animal!

Excuse me.

I'm taking her and Natasha home.

-I'll call you later. -Okay.

-So, what time was this dinner party? -I don't know.

It's 9:00, I think.

l can't believe it. This place is packed.

-Stash should be ecstatic. -Yeah.

The work looks great, but I don't think they hung it high enough.

God, it's roasting in here.

Look, we're with Chuck Dade Dolger. He's got a car.

You wanna step outside, get fresh air, maybe a glass of champagne?

They're good, aren't they? l told you, it's all very Japanese.

That's what I believe in, what I like.

How's this interview going, then? It's going well?

You guys have got to come and do me.

-What happened to your arm? -It was an accident of love.

Check out the back view.

-The air with bubbles? -Oh, sugar, you kill me.

Have all you want. Here, pass it on. Yeah. Hi.

-Hello, Sam. -Hi.

-This is Eleanor. -Hi.

Percy, press that red button again. See if you can get the air working.

I've tried it already. It doesn't work.

Would you please tell me what is in this bag?

-...the hospital. -It's garbage.

l was in Bellevue for 1 0 days' observation.

Oh, really? What for?

-Oh, don't ask. -I strangled some cats.

l wanna go to all the gallery openings with you.

l find your comments on the art to be startling.

You look fabulous. l love you so much.

l never saw her before. Is that your friend?

She thinks we are. She's only 1 8, and she is a bitch.

And she goes out with Ken, who shows at Darryl's gallery.

l gotta pee desperately. I'm going to the john.

-Where's my purse? -I'm gonna come.

Any of you feel like you're sitting on a bag?

Feel around. Oh, here it is, here it is.

See you all. Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

-Let the girl go. -Are you leaving?

-Yeah, I have to go. Excuse me. -Let the girl go.

-So long. -Let the girl go, man.

Look at this baby.

Looks like its daddy, doesn't it?

--the problem with the gallery system the way it is?

-What do you mean by that? -Stash, it looks good.

First he gives a discount, then he takes 50 percent.

Stash, you're the one doing all the work.

So even if the show sells out, you don't make any money.

-Isn't this great? -Yeah.

-You see? You see, Stash? -Yeah, pretty nice.

You worry too much. It's all working out, eh?

You know, I always wondered...

...doesn't it bother you the way Stash treats you?

What do you mean?

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

No, that's okay. You can say what you mean.

At least somebody else sees the same thing.

l mean, half the time, l think that I'm crazy.

l....

l keep thinking that even though he's mad at me all the time...

...it's better than not being around him at all.

Shit.

Oh, shit.

Well, look at it this way.

Maybe you'll find out there are worse things than being alone.

-Try a little of this. -No, thanks.

l have enough trouble dealing with regular reality.

Oh, come on, Eleanor, he's ridiculous. l mean, isn't Stash the guy...

...who used to go around sawing the legs off furniture in public places...

...and calling it conceptual art?

-Yeah. -I mean, what kind of jerk does that?

There you are.

I'm gonna go pour some ice cream over that little bastard's head.

Where did you get that ice cream, Darryl?

From the freezer.

Who you pouring ice cream on? Stash?

-Please. He's mad at Fenton Fazidae. -No.

He discovered Fenton. Fenton was selling tokens at a booth in the subway.

As soon as Fenton got to be a big success, he went to Victor's gallery.

Please.

Is it your apartment or his?

His.

But that's not the point.

See you later, Samantha.

Why don't you stop and let the poor girl alone.

She looks lovely in pink.

I've got to have one.

Is that your tag? Is that what they call it?

-I can get you next. -Great.

-Do my shoe. -I want one just like it.

Why don't you go ahead. I've gotta lock up.

l made the reservation in my name.

-See you. -Bye.

Hi, Daria. How's your dog? Is it all right?

l don't have a dog.

-You don't have a dog. -No.

Isn't that something.

Stash said you and he were walking your dog...

...when it was attacked by a cheetah.

That's right, a cheetah.

Oh, shit.

Thank you, Daria.

-Eleanor, where are you going? -Taxi!

-You're overreacting. -I'm overreacting?

You're not gonna faint, are you? Every time you don't get enough attention.

No, I'm not going to faint. I've had it with you.

You wrecked everything. You, not me.

I'm sick of having to say I'm sorry every second of my existence.

How much did you have to drink?

You've took something, and you crumbled it up, and you spit on it.

What?

There's something missing from you, Stash.

You know nothing about loyalty.

You don't have any feelings.

You don't care anything about anybody.

You're-- You're stunted, and you're shallow.

Abridged, as if your tentacles...

...had been cut off at the wrist. Taxi!

-Eleanor. -Taxi!

Eleanor.

Eleanor!

-Yes. Sure. -Thank you very, very much.

-Good luck, and we see you again. -Thank you.

l never got a chance to show you my work...

...and I'd love it, if you're free, if you'd come over...

...later on.

Bathrooms are adjoining. Our apartments are side by side.

-I think you'd love the basement. -I don't wanna share a bathroom.

How about a banana? l got a nice bunch of bananas.

-I don't want a banana. -How about a beer?

Come on, talk it over. A cup of tea with some honey, something like that.

The one on the left.

-I'll take it. -Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Listen, if you don't want it, l have 70 people who do.

l want it.

Maybe you ought to think about it. Come back later.

I'll take it.

It's nice.

Five dollars.

Hey. Want a cup of coffee or something?

-No, thanks. -Look, I gotta get back to work.

-I don't have a lot of time, so.... -Oh, okay, you wanna see it.

So....

Cap. This is called Turkish Delight.

And....

Just give me my $5 back!

-What? I can't believe-- You sleaze. -This....

--my money out of my pocket when I'm trying to sleep.

Turkey in the Straw...

...and this one-- I'll put it on for you.

This is Santa Claus Goes to Russia.

Man, these are really cool.

So you wanna make some for my show?

You're kidding. Seriously?

Would you sell them?

-Yeah. They go with the collection. -Fantastic.

But don't you think they're kind of falling apart?

That's what I like about them. You just make the samples, okay?

We got people to make them, you know.

Well, look, I really gotta get going...

...so just stop by the offices tomorrow if you wanna do it. All right?

But there's just one thing.

l make these hats out of stuff l find in the garbage...

...and I'm totally broke.

Oh, yeah? It's all right. l can give you money tomorrow.

Just tell me how much you need, all right?

Hi.

Oh, look. That one over there is just so amazing.

Hi!

Stop. Wait a minute.

That looks great. You've got on the wrong hat.

You're supposed to be wearing the hat that looks like your jacket.

Yeah!

So your stuff was really great in the show.

-You don't have any extras? -Your stuff was simply beautiful.

I've been trying to get Wilfredo to look at my jewelry for years.

What you are doing is genius.

Jesus.

Stash.

-What you doing here? -I was at the show.

l didn't realize you were still making hats.

Yeah.

l really don't think people are gonna start buying hats, but....

So how are you?

l miss you.

It's funny, the other week l was watching this new show...

...The Mating Game.

So they asked this woman:

"On what basis do you know if someone's right for you?"

And so she goes, "There are four categories:

Spiritual, physical, intellectual and emotional."

Stash, I gotta go. My friends are waiting for me.

So then I realized, no wonder it could never work between the two of us.

We were only compatible in two of the four categories.

Which two?

Intellectual and physical.

You're a jerk.

What kind of a man bases the merits of his relationship...

...on something some woman said on some TV show?

l was gonna let you come back if you could change...

...in the other categories, but you're really sick.

l thought I was sick, but you're really sick.

Yeah. Isn't that just too bad?

Why don't you just go home and sulk.

I'm not gonna go home and sulk. You go home and sulk.

You go sulk.

The only one of his I liked was that one with Marat in the bathtub.

-That's a great political painting. -It's not great because of politics.

-It's great because of human drama. -How can you say that?

You don't think art can be great unless it assumes political--

I'm trying to say something. Unlike you, who just pisses on canvas.

l piss on canvas?

Get us some more drinks.

Marley, you're gonna miss your plane.

Oh, shit.

l gotta run.

-Hey, man, I owe you some bucks. -Forget it.

Here, it's on Chuck Dade Dolger.

Look, Sherman, I gotta tell you...

...l slept with Daria.

l know. She told me.

Well...

...l knew you knew.

Hey, Marley, be cool.

See you later.

l don't believe this.

"The mindless scrawl of a Neanderthal"?

The guy calls me a Neanderthal?

-Daria. -Stash, that's good.

-Where's Marley? -Good?

He left.

Are you kidding?

Hey, we could be in Russia...

...where they knock on your door, take you out and shoot you.

That's what I'm trying to talk to you about. It's your attitude.

-Were you gonna get on the plane? -My attitude?

Why don't you come to me with your problems?

You go out complaining to all your little girlfriends.

This doesn't make me look good.

He called me a Neanderthal.

Stash, let me tell you.

-The only reason they reviewed you... -How are you?

...is because I took out an ad.

-It's a compliment. -I'm gonna have a show.

-You're thinking like a child. -I got a gallery. Darryl's.

l can't help but be critical...

-...when I see what's wrong with you. -You're kidding.

-That's great. -But underneath it all...

...let me tell you, is a feeling of love.

So, what are you doing tonight?

-Who's your date gonna be? -I don't wanna be alone.

-I could go. -Wanna get a bite to eat?

-Thanks. -Maybe stop at the Gulag.

-I'm seeing someone. -Where's Eleanor? What happened?

But, hey, I can show my dealer your slides.

She's okay.

-Hi. -Oh, hi, Eleanor.

Our wives went to a baby shower, and we're taking care of the kids.

-You know Max, don't you? -Yeah, sure. Hi.

-It's not mine. It's my niece. -She's cute.

Michael.

So how are you, Eleanor?

Well, aside from a hangover, things are great.

l mean, I have my own apartment and my hats.

-It's nice. -Oh, thanks.

We went to see Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Did you enjoy it, my little one?

Fine, thank you.

I'm on my way to buy groceries. I'm giving a wild party tonight.

I'm celebrating being single and successful.

You guys wanna come?

-Yeah. Wild party. Why not? -Sure. Yeah.

-Yeah, I have nothing to do. -Okay, great.

1 21 Mulberry around 9:00. The name's on the buzzer.

-Great. -I'll be there.

Bye.

Andrew.

Andrew.

My salami sandwich.

-My lunch. -God, I'm sorry.

-The dog ate my lunch. -Oh, my food.

Come here, come here.

I'm such a mess. l was out last night celebrating...

...and I have a terrible hangover.

What do you want? Is that what you want?

Anxiety. I keep worrying about this party I'm giving later on.

-What are you planning to serve? -I don't know.

It's something made with Velveeta cheese and jalapeño peppers.

Did you train your dog to do that?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry. Thanks.

Well, why don't you let me carry these. You can't handle the dog and bags.

-Let me carry it. I'll walk with you. -I feel terrible he ate your lunch.

It's okay. I was just playing hooky from work...

...so I could ride my motorcycle.

My name's Jan.

This is Andrew.

Hello, Andrew.

-What do you do? -I sell racehorse semen.

-No you-- -Yeah, I do. Seriously.

l do. It's-- The money's great, and....

So, what were you celebrating last night?

Oh, I design hats, and they were in a show...

...and they were a big success, so I had to drink too much.

I'm not used to being a success.

l hate value judgments. It makes me nervous.

-Did you make that hat? -Yeah.

It's very-- It's-- I like it. It's unusual.

-Yeah? -It's very unusual.

It's really different.

-Flowers and butterflies. It's nice. -Yeah.

Bird, butterfly....

Look...

...would you like to come to my party later, 9:00?

-Yeah, sure. -Really?

Yeah, why not.

Great.

Wilfredo, you saved my life. Thanks for coming. Oh, you brought a friend.

-Hi, Eleanor. -Hi. Hi. Come on in.

Please have a good time. It's the happy hour.

-Oh, hi, Sherman. -Hello.

Thanks for coming. I know l called you at short notice, but--

-I brought this for you. -Oh, thanks. Vodka. How great.

-Eleanor, darling. -Simon.

-Happy housewarming. -You wore your heels.

-Yes, I did. For you. -Oh, thank you. Champagne.

Oh, hi, Darryl. Come on in. Thanks for coming.

Hi. Hi.

Come in. Don't you wanna come in? Come on in.

-Oh, is that for me? -Yes.

-Thank you. Look what I brought. -Look at all these people.

-Yeah. -Oh, look.

-The boys. -The band.

l don't know what to.... Maybe they're gonna like it.

-Wow, that's a cool blender, Eleanor. -Yeah, I know.

Wilfredo, how do you fix this?

I'm not good with mechanical objects, Eleanor.

It's like that little thing in Star Wars.

-When are the girls gonna get here? -Give me it. Give me it.

-What's going on? -Here you go.

I'm cooking.

Abby.

Abby, come on out and meet Kyoshi.

He's gorgeous, he's humble, he's heterosexual.

-He's in television. -I can't. I'm frightened.

I'm the type of guest who likes to lurk in the bathroom.

You're the only other woman here besides me.

What happened to the others?

l didn't invite them.

We were drinking vodka, then we had some sake and then some sushi...

...and then some hash, then some beer.

And then she threw up in the back of my car.

Yeah, and then she probably went to her friends...

...and complained about what you did to her.

Who cleaned it up, anyway?

We're gonna play Trivial Pursuit later.

You want something to eat?

No, somebody's in there. Abby, come on out.

-Hi, how are you? -Hi.

Okay.

Do come in.

l hope you weren't planning on moving in.

It's rather crowded in here already.

My girlfriend threw me out this afternoon...

...so I thought I'd stop by before I check into a hotel.

-Have some cheap white wine. -What's that noise?

My life.

Look at this thing.

It's dancing.

Got it.

Little caffeine....

Great.

That's terrific.

You can really fix things.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

l can't wait until this is over and I can genuinely enjoy myself.

What do you mean?

Well, this is fun...

...but I find fun very traumatizing.

In some ways, it's more fun for me not to have fun.

To me, having fun is almost identical to feeling anxious. Excuse me.

Hi, guys. How are you?

Where's Mona and Suzanne? l thought you'd bring them.

We didn't think you wanted us to bring our wives.

-Come on in. -Yeah.

Hey, how you doing?

Abb.

-What are you doing? -Listen to this.

"To make a man fall in love with you, you should do two things.

One, use visual language, like:

'It looks like we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight'...

...and also by mirroring."

Yeah? What's that?

Mirroring is if you go out to dinner with him, and you're sitting at a table...

...and he puts his chin in his hand, then you should do the same thing.

What, you mean like this?

Yeah.

l gotta go, Eleanor.

-Abby, don't go. -Thanks for the party.

-Bye. -Bye.

-Thanks. You're a doll for coming. -All right. Thanks.

So long. Thanks.

Bye, guys. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Thanks for coming.

Thank you. Take care.

Are you all right?

Oh, no, no. You should keep that hat. I gave that to you.

Bye.

Be careful driving, now.

Remind me never to do this again.

It would have been easier if I had someone to share the responsibility...

...a boyfriend, but I'm starting to think I'll never meet anybody.

Let me tell you something. You don't have to be so desperate.

Yeah?

Well, let me tell you something.

l was just as desperate when I had a boyfriend.

She doesn't like value judgments placed on her.

-Thank you. -Right?

Yeah.

Right.

Well...

...thank God that's over.

What exactly had you hoped to accomplish, Eleanor?

-It was a party. -Cool.

-Say, where was Mona tonight? -I told her I didn't want her to come.

I've been getting this really strong intuitive feeling...

...that I should be going out alone more right now.

l wonder why, then, you spend so much time with Fritz.

Obviously, it isn't that you wanna be alone.

You just don't wanna be with her.

Excuse me, I'm drunk.

l think I miss Stash.

Did I do anything terrible tonight?

-No. -You didn't do anything wrong.

No worse than anybody else.

l know it.

Part of me knows it, and the other part of me...

-...berates myself constantly for-- -Well, just stop.

You never get from a relationship what you think you will.

Ever.

So...

...it's impossible, then?

Probably.

Come on. Let's go for a ride.

-On your motorcycle? -Why not?

Bye, Andrew.