All language subtitles for Not Now, Comrade (1976).en

♪ Not now, you keep saying ♪

♪ You're not ready to fall ♪

♪ But me, I keep praying ♪

♪ My heart's to the wall ♪

♪ It's all to exciting ♪

♪ How can you resist ♪

♪ I never seen eyes ♪

♪ Nearly that size ♪

♪ You gotta be kissed ♪

♪ Not now, you're repeating ♪

♪ For mercy I plead ♪

♪ It's no way of treating ♪

♪ A lover in need ♪

♪ Although I keep trying ♪

♪ The fruit's still on the bow ♪

♪ It's meant to be picked ♪

♪ But you got me licked ♪

♪ And how ♪

♪ How can you say ♪

♪ Not now ♪

- Come on Rose, let's have a smile.

- Yeah, come on.

Can you smile for me?

- Could we have one of

Comrade Petrovyan on his own?

Lovely, lovely.

- Oh!

Lovely.

- Oi, look at this, lads.

- Incredible.

- Hey!

What's she doing?

- Yellow car boot!

Hurry!

Yellow car boot!

Yellow car boot!

Hurry!

- Ah!

- Rudi!

- Look out!

Maniac!

- Afternoon, Hoskins.

- Afternoon, Commander.

- All well?

- Aye, aye, sir.

How's the car running?

- Oh, not bad.

Seems to have developed a slight bump

in the rear end, though.

- Psst!

Psst!

Psst!

Excuse me!

- Oh, my God.

- Nancy!

Nancy!

Nancy!

- Oh!

Hello.

- Hello, my darling.

Is your mother in?

- No, no, she's gone to London.

Shopping.

- That'll cost me something.

Mm.

Any important messages?

- No, it hasn't rung all day.

- Ah.

- Maybe the Prime Minister

doesn't love you anymore.

- Nancy, please.

That's how rumours start.

- How was the Ministry of Defence today?

- Absolute hell.

- Oh, poor daddy.

A cup of tea?

- No thank you, my darling.

A nice bath, and then I'm going fishing.

- Fishing?

You can't!

- Why not?

- Gerry's coming down this afternoon.

Staying the weekend.

- Gerry, huh?

Who the devil is Gerry?

- Gerry Buss.

I told you about him.

He's my boyfriend.

- Not another arty-crafty dropout.

- He's a civil servant.

- My God.

They're the worst.

- You should have a lot in common.

He's a PA to the PPS to the PM.

- Oh, never mind, darling.

He'll get over it.

I'll meet Gerry in the morning.

I'm going fishing.

- I hope you don't catch anything.

- I will.

I'm not like you

and your young men, you know.

When I get my hooks in some poor fish,

I land him first time.

- All right, Hoskins.

Take your time.

Something's happened in the garden?

You've got two big chrysanthemums?

You want to rejoin the navy?

- Commander!

Defective in the car!

- I'll get the garage to fix it.

- No, no!

Some Russian bloke.

This sexy beast put him

in your father's car.

- It's been a long day, Hoskins.

We interrupt this
programme to give you the

latest news on the defective Russian.

Russian dancer who
defected in London today

has been named as Rudi Petrovyan

and the young British
girl who assisted him

has been named as Barbara Wilcox,

a strip tease artist

working in a London nightclub.

- I might have known it.

Eyewitnesses described her as blonde,

of medium height,

wearing brown shoes, pink panties,

and no brassier.

- And he's in the boot of Father's car!

- Your father didn't
know nothing about it.

So this blonde bit says.

- What, the one with the

brown shoes, the pink and-

- No, she's covered up now.

- And she's here?

- In the rhododendrons.

- Oh!

- I hope this doesn't affect my pension.

The defection of Petrovyan comes at a

particularly embarrassing moment

for the government,

with the visit of the Russian

foreign minister less than a week away.

- Father must have the key with him.

- Mad, that's what you are, Miss Nancy.

Aiding and abetting criminals.

- Nonsense.

You heard what the poor girl

told us, it was love at first sight.

- I heard what she told us, all right.

This Russkie picked her up in some London

club where she strips twice nightly.

- You have no soul, Hoskins.

You'll have to wait till I get the key.

- Is he all right?

- You keep out of the way.

- I'll have to get the
key from my father.

- Oh.

You're a darling-

- Get back in the bleeding bushes!

- Would you moderate
your language, Hoskins!

- I'll give the pair of them language.

You can piss off-ski for a start.

- Daddy?

Daddy!

Daddy!

- What is it?
- Oh!

Um, have you got the keys for the car?

Um, I want to put it
in the garage for you.

- That's okay, darling.

I'm just off.

- Off?

- I told you.

I'm going fishing.

- Are you, are you
taking the car with you?

- Yes.
- No!

Um, no, you must walk

to the river, do you good.

- 15 miles?

- Oh, yes.

Marvellous.

- Don't be ridiculous.

If you mother gets back

before I do, tell her not to wait up.

- Um, you need a fishing hat.

It's in the study, I think.

- I don't know whether I do.

- No, you have got to have a fishing hat.

- Must I?

- Yes.

- I don't need... I need your car keys.

So I can start the engine

and you can get away really quickly.

- Have you been at
Hoskins' homemade wine?

- Find your hat.

- Uh-

- Is everything okay?

- Get him out of Father's boot

and away as soon as possible.

There.

Good luck.

- Nancy, I, I can't find my, my-

Who's that?

- Hoskins.

- Hoskins?

He's wearing a very expensive perfume.

- Yes.

Very nice.

- He stayed with me for 20 years.

I've never noticed it before.

- Well, never mind about that.

Now where is your hat?

- I just remembered, I left it in the,

in the kitchen.

- That was close.

- You're a darling.

- Who was that?

- What?

- Oh.

Hoskins again.

Well, I'm off.

- Uh, Father.

- What?

- Have you got everything?

- Well, I did have... Are you sure?

- Yes.

- Bait?

- Yes, yes.

- Flies?

- Hm?

Oh.

Yes, flies.

I've got... You need a scarf.

No, it's all right.

Really, I'm fine.

- No.

No.

You've got to have a scarf.

- Oh?

I don't wanna-

- Oh, my poor darling!

Oh!

- Bloody nightmare this is.

- You need a pipe.

- Do I?

Oh.

- I've, uh, got to look after you.

- Very nice.

Hm.

- Now, look, Miss Nancy.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

- What is it you want, Hoskins?

- I want to see Miss Nancy.

- Can I leave now?

- Can he?

- Yes.

- Thank you.

- Look, that blonde bit

has taken the Russkie
down past my cottage.

- It'll be all right.

They'll be gone in a moment.

- I don't care.

I'm not having this place

turned into a political asylum.

- Oh!

Oh.

- Hello there.

I'm looking for Commander
Rimmington's place.

Rather short signed

in the jolly old country.

Are you local fellows?

Does Commander Rimmington live here?

I said, does Commander

Rimmington live here?

Commander Rimmington?

Commander!

All right.

Happy muck spreading.

- You must be out of
your mind, Miss Nancy.

- Stop being difficult, Hoskins.

They're staying here

until we've decided what to do.

- Oh, you're a darling.

Hardly speaks a word of English.

Mind you, darling,

he makes up for it in other ways.

- Bloody Russian.

- Here, safe.

Safe.

Miss Rimmington, safe.

- Ah!

- Oh, I say.

I'm honoured.

Absolutely honoured.

- He's a sweetie, isn't he?

- Oh, no, don't stop.

What did he say?

- Sounded dead sexy, whatever it was.

- Ah!

- Get that twit down.

- Quick.

Take him up to the attic.

I'll go and see who it is.

Oh, no, not now.

Later.

Upstairs attic.

- Rudi!

You upstairs.

You and me.

- He's a blooming sex maniac.

I'm just, uh, gonna

look after my compost heap.

- What about me?

- I think you're in it already.

- Calm down, Rudi.

- Ah!

Okay, don't get your knickers in a twist.

- What's happening?

- He's have a tiny temperament, darling.

He's a star, you see.

- Back upstairs!

- Yes, all right.

I think he's trying to
say the attic's too small.

- What are you trying to do up there?

- It's his practise time.

He needs a lot of space.

Anybody at home?

- Ha!

Hm!

- How do you do?

- How nice to see you, Gerry.

- Yes, yes!

- Yes?

- Ah!

- How do you do?

Mr. Buss.

- Is Mr. Buss one of us?

- Oh, yes.

- It's all right, he's a friend.

Uh, him.

- Ah!

- Good heavens.

No, no!

Not again.

Nancy, he's speaking Russian.

- Does the name Rudi
Petrovyan mean anything.

- Ha!

Petrovyan!

- Again!

- No, no!

You must not make a
mealy mealy out of me.

- Ah!

- Nancy, he's not only
speaking Russian...

He flees.

- Yes.

- Barbara no-bra?

- Yes.

- This is terrible.

What are they doing here?

- Never mind.

The point is we're going to help them.

- We most certainly are not.

It'll be a serious embarrassment
to out government.

The Russian foreign
minister's due here next week.

You needn't think you're going

to get political asylum here, you know.

- Bravo, bravo!

- Stop that.

Everybody will be looking for them.

Our special branch,

Russian security officers.

- They've already found us.

They're waiting on the lane.

- There you are, they're
waiting in the lane.

I thought they were yokels.

They've seen me.

Me, a PA to the PPS to the PM.

We'll just have to hand him over.

Shut up!

- Ah!

Bravo, bravo!

- Get rid of him while we discuss this.

- Oh, I'm so pleased
you're going to help.

- I'm not helping!

- You, upstairs, attic.

- I beg your pardon?

- I'll look it up in my
English-Russian dictionary.

- You, clear off.

Never mind "Jackie pull the chain".

You, upstairs.

Miss Rimmington will take you upstairs

for five minutes.

- Ay-yi-yi!

- Steady, steady.

You upstairs.

- I think I've got it.

- Ah!

- "Claus-trop-hobia!"

- That's English?

Claus-drop-hobia?

- Claustrophobia.

He's had it in the attic.

- Too bad.

You, upstairs.

- Claustrophobia.

- You, Siberia.

- No!

- Right.

Let's discuss this calmly and quietly.

- Good idea.

I'll put the kettle on.

- And you come and
tell us how you like it.

- I don't care how romantic
Petrovyan's story is.

- Can't you see,

every night when he's supposed

to be asleep in his hotel,

Russian security guards

out in the hall, there's Rudi

climbing down the drain pipe.

- Wish he had broken his neck.

- Just so that he can spend

a few hours watching his beloved dance.

- It was my specialty that got him.

I can make one boob

go one way, and one the other.

Would you like to see?

- Sounds absolutely, certainly not.

The only thing I want to see

is the back of that fellow up there.

- How do you like it, Barbara?

- As it comes, please, Nancy.

- What a pair.

- Saucy, Mr. Buss.

- Here we are then.

- Nancy?

- Hm?

- You, sit there.

- You are masterful.

Thank you.

- We can either hand Petrovyan

over to those Russian embassy
officials, or we can telephone

the local police.

- Do you realise you haven't

even said hello properly, Gerry?

- Hello, properly Gerry.

Now... And my kiss.

- Here, Miss Nancy.

No time for that now.

There's a fellow just got out

of a taxi, and he, who are you?

- He's Mr. Buss.

- He should have come by taxi too.

- I'm a friend of Miss Rimmington's.

- Oh, good.

You're the accomplice now.

- No!

- Oh, please, you will help us, Gerry.

- What are you doing down here?

Get back upstairs!

- Shut your great, big, Russian cakehole.

- Whoever it is, get rid of them.

- Me?

- Yes, say everybody's out.

Pretend you don't understand.

Pretend you're daft and deaf.

- Daft and what?

- Deaf!

Nancy, come help me.

You, upstairs!

We're gonna play lovely games with you.

- What games?

- Russian roulette.

- Oh, God.

- I've been knocking forever.

- That's no good.

Ever don't live here.

- Can I see Commander Rimmington?

- I don't think so.

- Commander Rimmington, where is he?

- He's out.

- Blast it!

- I'll wait.

- No, no.

You can't do that.

- I most certainly can.

This is imperative.

- "Go directly to jail, do not pass go,

do not collect $200."

Mivi?

- MI6.

- MI... Government security.

How long will the commander be?

- Oh, I don't know.

I think, I think he might, he,

oh, God.

- No time for games.

- Madam.

- Oh, dear.

I'm sorry.

I thought I recognised you.

- I've come urgently to see
Commander Rimmington.

- Oh, dear.

I mean, oh, dear, he's out at the moment.

- So I gather.

May I ask who you are?

- Yes, of course, darling.

Don't you know Mrs. Rimmington?

- I know neither the
commander nor his wife.

- I'm the commander's wife.

Isn't it?

I'll tell the commander you called.

- Mrs. Rimmington, please,

I'll wait till the commander returns.

- Why not just leave a message, darling?

- No, no.

- Excuse me, sir.

- Oh.

- Are you definitely going
to insist on waiting here?

- Yes, definitely.

- All right.

- Much safer to leave a message.

- No, it's far too big.

Too important.

- Don't be difficult, Gerry!

You look smashing!

- He'll know I'm not the commander!

- He's never met him!

Now get down there!

- What I have to say is for

the commander's ears alone.

- Why me?

- Love!

Barbara and Rudi love each other.

- What has that got to do with me?

- Love then.

You love me, don't you?

And I love you.

- Do you really?

- Oh, yes.

- I love you too.

Now get down there!

- Look out, Hoskins.

- Aye, aye, Commander Rimmington, sir.

It was the submarine.

- Welcome aboard.

Bit of a swell.

- My name's Laver.

- Security.

Jolly good.

- Can I see you alone, Commander?

This, um,

this isn't even for your wife's ears.

- I understand.

I don't understand.

- I'll go, my dearest darling.

- Why are you... I'm your wife, you fool.

- She's my wife, you fool.

We've been apart so long

it's bigger than both of us.

- Is there anything I
can get you, darling?

- No thank you.

- Anything you fancy, Mr. Laver?

- No, thank you.

- How about some tea, my little Jack Tar?

- Tea?

Ta-ta.

- I know how you like it.

- Yes.

She knows how I like it.

- A nice cup of tea, Mr. Laver?

- Very well, thank you.

- Sugar?

- Two lumps.

- Milk?

- No, no.

May we get down to business, Commander?

- Of course.

- There was a very nasty
stink in Whitehall today.

Fortunately, there
was no suggestion that I

was responsible for it.

- I'm glad.

- However, the minister spent

a very unpleasant half hour

with the Russian ambassador.

About this Petrovyan fellow.

The minister has sent you

an information signal.

- Shouldn't have bothered, really.

Just wait one tiny, nautical moment.

Have that back, it may come in handy.

Clearly, but this is ridiculous.

I can't make head nor tail of this.

- You will when you've decoded it.

- Decoded it?

- As you can see, sir, it's 4ABF.

- Language.

- 4ABF coded, top secret.

- Coded top secret?

That's splendid.

Have a pleasant journey back to town.

- Really, Commander.

Surely, you're conversant
with BF procedure?

- Intimately.

But until you've gone,

I can't decode the BF message.

Can I?

- BF procedure, Commander.

You decode the information
signal, study it, reply

immediately, and then

get rid of it in the usual way.

- Yes.

Tell you what, Laver.

I'll get down to this decoding business,

while you take a pleasant,

little stroll in the garden.

- Very well, sir.

But time is of the essence.

- Don't worry.

I'm the fastest BF
decoder in the business.

Look out for the gnomes.

Nancy!

Miss Wilcox!

- Kettle's clogging up.

- Yes, so is everything else.

- Well done, Gerry.

Has he gone?

- No, he hasn't.

He's out there and he's
brought this coded message

for your father all about him!

You'll have to go!

Don't do that!

The suspense is killing us.

- We're all gonna be shot!

- Shot?

- There's two blokes down by

my cottage ta"ing all "ski" and "ich."

- We know all about those two.

They're Russian security men.

- You wretched fellow.

- Yes.

- I'll tell you what.

Let's hand him over.

- If we hand him over,
Father's bound to be

dragged into it.

- What we gonna do, Mr. Buss?

You're in control.

- Far from it.

- Excuse me, Commander.

I wonder if I-

- He's, um... He's my hairdresser.

- Well, actually I, um,

I came back for my briefcase.

- Oh.

There it is.

- Your, uh, your hairdresser.

- Yes.

He's lost his grip.

- Your briefcase.

- Thank you.

Oh.

I haven't had the pleasure.

- That's Commander's daughter, Nancy.

- I'm the Commander's daughter's nanny.

- Nanny.

- Yes, the au pair.

I was terribly lucky to get her.

- Yes, my wife's got the
best au pair in the business.

- Nanny.

She looks after our
three or four children.

- Am I still the gardener?

- Tell you what, Laver.

Why don't you go out to the

garden, take a drink with you?

Whiskey?

Gin?

- Vodka?
- Vodka!

- No alcohol, thank you.

- Quite right.

Filthy habit.

Just the garden.

Enjoy the fresh air.

- I suppose I can spare
a few moments to, uh,

sit on the lawn and read my newspaper.

- Is that this evening's newspaper?

- Yes.

- Have you read it?

No.

- Oh.

- Ha!

- What on earth?

- Very temperamental, hairdressers.

- Good Lord.

Commander, may I have my newspaper?

- Of course.

- Thank you.

- Come along, Rudi.

- If he'd seen your
photograph, we've had had it.

- I'm just going down to my cottage.

See if the burial money's under the bed.

- No!

You stay here.

- He won't recognise Rudi.

There's a picture of him in "Swan Lake."

- Ah!

Ha!

- Will you stop that!

- Ha!

- He's got to go.

Come here!

How do you turn him off?

Do something!

- Hey!

- Excuse me, Commander.

- Ha!

- We'll get the tea.

We'll have to fix up Mr. Laver.

Hurry with the tea.

- Fix him?

- This should do it.

- What are they?

- These pick you up.

And these knock you out.

- Good heavens.

Just teaching him the dance

of the Sugarplum Hairdresser.

- May I have the front
page of my newspaper?

- Uh... The front page.

- Of... Of my newspaper.

- Yes, where is it?

- In your top pocket.

- Tea!

- Good heavens!

Tea time!

- Hm?

You're eating my newspaper.

- Yes.

It's tea time.

It's my standard diet.

- Tea, Mr. Laver.

- Hm?

Oh, thank you.

Now, look here.

Splendid cup of tea.

- Are you all right, my dearest?

- Probably finding it a bit

difficult digesting the news.

I'm terribly sorry.

It's just that I've never met anybody

before who ate newspapers.

Except bookworms.

Bookworms.

Bookworms!

- What's come over him?

- Drink and drugs.

- Oh, I enjoyed that, Nanny.

I say, I say, Nanny, may I, um,

may I call you Nanny, Nanny?

- Mr. Laver, please don't
be au fait with the au pair.

- No, indeed.

I don't know what came over me.

Sorry, Nanny.

Made a little boob.

Big boob.

Don't know what's come over me.

Commander, the, uh,

the answer to the minister's message.

- Yes.

If you'll just wait outside.

Take a little drink out there with you.

- I'm not actually used
to alcohol, Commander.

- You will be, baby, you will be.

Whiskey, gin, rum?

- Yes, please.

Thank you.

- Here you are.

Rum, I think.

- Heavens, you'll, you'll
have me pitily-twos.

Pitily-twos?

I mean tittily-poos.

Pitily-twos.

- Off you go.

- Thank you.

Pitily-twos.

- Well done, Gerry.

- You were wonderful.

- Nothing, really.

- Oi, 007.

- Hello?

I can't understand you.

Sounds like Russian.

- Russian?

- Oh, my God!

- There's only one of them there now.

He's gone back in the lane.

- What's this one saying?

- Hello!

I can't understand you.

What do you want?

- Trying to wear us down,

using psychiatric warfare.

- Please, speak English.

- Now look here.

Do you realise this is British territory?

If you have something to say,

please don't say it in Russian.

Petrovyan, who's he?

You're talking a load of Bolshoi.

He's saying "Petrovyan,

Petrovyan, Petrovyan!"

- A-ha!

- Keep calm.

Keep calm, keep calm-Where is everybody?

Nancy.

- I say, Commander.

Have you ever tried eating tidbits?

- Nancy, what the
devil is going on there?

Nancy!

Nancy!

Nancy!

- Is that you, Father?

- 'Course it's me!

Why is that door bolted?

And who is that fellow

who slammed the door in my face?

- You're supposed to be fishing.

- Blasted car got a puncture.

I had to traipse half
a mile across the field.

- Oh, I see.

- Nancy, uh, Nancy!

Will you open this door!

- It is open!

You're not staying, are you?

- What do you mean?

I'm staying till the blasted

puncture is mended by the blasted garage!

What's going on in here?

I say, I don't know you.

Do I?

- No, I'm a sailor.

- Ah.

So I see.

We both wear the same uniform.

- Yes.

- Damn young to be a
commander, aren't you?

- I wear well.

- What's your name?

- He's Commander Laver from MI6.

- MI6?

What is you want then, Laver?

- Nothing.

- He's come to see you, Father.

He's got a message for you, Father.

It's got to be decoded
immediately, Father.

- Well, let's have it then.

- Yes, Father.

- The message.

- You are ABF.

- You mean it's 4ABF.

- Yes.

- Hello?

What?

I can't understand a word you're saying.

Speak English, can't you?

- It's for me, sir.

Mummy.

I asked her to phone me here.

- Sounded like a man's voice.

- You haven't met Mummy.

- She's speaking Russian or something.

- No, sir, it only sounds like Russian.

It's my Egyptian mummy.

Hello, Mummy.

Yes, it's your little boy speaking.

No, we don't want any postcards.

Bye-bye.

- I'll go and decode this message.

In the study.

- Bloody hell-ski.

- No, no!

Not in the study.

- What do you mean,
no, no, not in the study?

- Commander Laver would prefer

that you discuss it in the garden.

- Yes.

No!

Not in the garden until Laver, Laver.

Much Laver.

- Where would be convenient
for you, Commander Laver?

Not in the kitchen.

- No, not in the kitchen.

Upstairs?

Upstairs, in one of the bedrooms.

- Bedrooms?

I don't understand-

- Just practising my signals.

- I've never seen signals like that.

- You better go and decode
that message, Father.

- Yes, in the bedroom.

- No, in the study.

- Of course.

In the study.

How silly of me.

You better put in some leave.

- Now to get rid of Petrovyan.

Out!

- Out!

- Out!

- Ah!

- Whoa!
- What's the noise?

- I think my roses need pruning.

- Who are you?

- Yes.

- Yes?

- Yes.
- Yes.

He's my boyfriend, Gerry Buss.

Darling.

- Mm!

- His face seems rather familiar.

- He's a very familiar boyfriend.

- Oh!

- How do you do?

- Yes.

- My father, father.

- Father.

Commander Rimmington.

- Ministry of Defence.

- British government.

High-up official, commander.

- Yes, that just about sums me up.

- Say hello to Daddy.

- Ah!

Daddy!

Daddy.

- Is this chap your boyfriend?

- Yes!

It's quite all right.

- Is it?

- He's a foreigner, you see,

he can't speak any English.

- Foreigner, eh?

- French.
- Polish.

Half-French, half-Polish.

- If he's half-French, and half-Polish,

how did he come to be called Gerry?

- He was born in Poland.

- You said he was a civil servant.

- Yes, with the Polish government.

He's over here on a course.

- I'll get it.

Hello, Mummy, I've asked you to stop

phoning me here.

Goodbye.

Auf wiedersehen.

I beg your pardon?

It's your garage for you,

sir, the car's ready.

- All right, all right, all right.

- Marvellous.

Off you go then, Daddy.

- I've gotta reply to the signal first.

Blasted nuisance it is.

About some damned defecting
Russian called Petrovyan.

- Ah!

Mm!

- You say he works for
the Polish government?

- Yes.

- No wonder they're a hell of a mess.

What do you think, Laver?

- If he carries on like that

they'll transfer him to the admiralty.

- Is everything all right?

- No, it isn't.

You, in there!

- Father's car!

- Will you stop that!

Yes!

- You can't get out the front

way because of those Russians.

- Right.

- So you can take Father's
car, cut across the fields,

and it's in the garage in the village.

Here's the note.

- Marvellous.

We go now.

Mm!

- Good luck.

- Come on, darling.

We're going.

Okay.

- Head for the big old oak tree

about a quarter of a mile across the way.

Then keep going.

- Thank you.

Goodbye, darlings.

Thank for everything.

Farewell.

- At last, we can relax.

- Relax?

What about Laver?

- Well, as soon as
you get with my father,

you can give it to Mr. Laver

and off he goes, my clever PA,

to the PPS, to the PM.

- My lovely girl.

- Commander, you're
embracing the au pair girl.

- That will be all, Nanny.

- Thank you, sir.

- Commander, I'm amazed
that you should permit

philandering with the staff

to interfere with matters of state.

- Quite.

I stand rebuked.

- Especially with your wife around.

- She's very understanding.

- You mean she doesn't mind?

- No.

Plenty for everybody.

- Oh, absolutely marvellous.

If you carry on like this,

Commander, you'll
never be made an admiral.

- How about a vice admiral?

- Aren't you going to answer it, sir?

- Don't think so.

- Hm.

- Are you all deaf?

Hello?

No, I'll take a message.

Commander Rimmington's not here.

- Hoskins!

- Oh, uh, well, I mean,

Commander Rimmington is here.

I'll still take a message.

- Poor old fellow.

Don't know why I keep him, really.

- All right.

Goodbye.

- Very well, Hoskins.

Give me the message.

- All right.

She's back from London

and would you pick her up at the station?

- Who?

- Your wife.

- Wife?

- It's another one.

- Another wife?

- No, that would be bigamy.

Very bigamy.

No, it's another girlfriend

pretending to be my wife.

Joining me down here for, you know,

- I say, la dolce vita.

- Well, my wife's out for the evening, so

I invited this girlfriend down.

- But you were having it off

with au pair girl just now.

- I had five minutes to spare.

- Darling, I-

- What are you doing
back so early, darling?

- I had to return unexpectedly, darling.

- A dash awkward, eh?

- She's been out in the
garden with her hairdresser.

- Good heavens!

- Has he gone?

What's she doing-

- That will be all, Nanny.

- I wouldn't be in your shoes, Commander.

- Neither would I.

Tell you what, Laver.

I'll get you another bottle.

- I've already got two
bottles out there, sir.

Live dangerously, Laver.

The night is young.

And you're so beautiful.

- Thank you, Commander.

- What are you two doing back here?

- Don't panic, darling.

Our Russian friends have split up.

There's one watching the front

and one watching the back now.

- Oh, no!

- Right.

Russians or no Russians,

you two have got to go.

Oh, my God!

We've had it.

We will just have to plead

insanity and hand him over to the police.

- Police?

- Will you stop that!

- Hell of a lot of shouting.

Oh, good afternoon.

- Hello, darling.

- I don't think I've-

- She's the prospective

candidate for the local council.

- Yes.

What party?

- Liberal.

- You better go and decode

that message, Father.

- Yes.

I wouldn't mind

knowing what the young lady stands for.

- Practically anything.

- Get the message, Father.

- Oh, yes.

Yes, I did.

- Keep calm.

Keep calm.

Keep calm!

Stop shaking!

It's me who's shaking.

- Was that a knock at the door?

No!

Yes.

- I'll get this reply for
you right away, Laver.

- Rudi, quick!

Into the kitchen!

You both deal with the police.

- Thank you very much.

- Now that was definitely
somebody knocking.

- No, sir, no.

That was me.

Tap-dancing.

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ I'll come with you ♪

♪ Open the door ♪

♪ We're in a stew ♪

- You sit there.

I shall decode this message.

And keep your distance.

- Good afternoon, darling.

- Afternoon, darling.

Afternoon.

Local police, madam.

Constable Pulford.

- Sh, sh, sh, sh!

- Constable Pulford.

I'm local police.

- Lovely.

- Uh, yes, might I, uh,
inquire who you are?

- Yes, of course, darling.

Would you be surprised

if I said I was your
local Liberal candidate?

- Yes, I would.

That is Mr. Philips, the undertaker.

- Oh, I can't kid you, can I?

What about Mrs. Rimmington?

Have you met her?

- No, just the Commander.

- Well, how do you do then, darling?

- How do you do, Mrs. Rimmington?

- Thank you for calling.

Put us down for two tickets.

- Tickets?

- Well, I'm all in favour
of policemen having them.

- Having what?

- Balls!

Well, my husband and I love a good dance.

- No, madam, I am here
because your neighbour,

Mr. Hargreaves, has a lady who does.

- Lucky Mr. Hargreaves.

- This is a certain Mrs. Frost

and this certain Mrs. Frost

says that she was in
Mr. Hargreaves' garden

earlier today and do you know

what she saw in your driveway?

- No.

- A young fellow prancing
about in an effeminate manner.

- Effeminate manner?

- So with your permission,

I would like to question your gardener.

- Why yes, of course, darling.

I mean, no darling.

I mean, you sit down there

and make yourself nice and comfortable.

There we are.

And I'll go find him for you.

There.

Oh, I'll just tell

the au pair girl you're here.

Darling!

- Yes!

- Don't come in, darling.

The police are here.

Constable Pulford, local police,

in the lounge.

- I think I'll just, uh... What?

- Spend a penny?

- Go on then.

- Thank you.

- You better hurry up.

- Most kind.

The cops!

- Where?

- Gave me quite a fright, sir.

Constable Pulford.

Constable Pulford.

Yes, sit down.

Down, yes.

Put your feet up.

I'll just tell the au
pair girl you're here.

- Darling!

- Yes?

- Darling, don't come
in to the lounge, darling.

The local police are here, darling.

Constable Pulford in the lounge.

I'll just lock the study.

Always think it's best
to lock everything up

when the police are around.

- Excuse me, sir.

But time is, um, oh.

- Mr. Laver, how nice to see you.

Constable Pulford, Mr. Laver.

Mr. Laver, Constable Pulford.

Constable.

- Commander, the answer
to the minister's message.

- Yes.

Two minutes at the most.

Take some sherry outside with you.

- Thank you.

Most kind.

Could I bother you

for some ice for the whiskey, please?

- Of course.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Piddly-toos.

- May I ask who you are, sir?

- Certainly.

Uh, do you know Commander Rimmington?

- Yes, sir.

- Jolly good.

- I'm a friend of his.

Commander, ahem.

- I'm pleased to meet
you, Commander, ahem?

- Pleased to meet you, Constable.

Goodbye.

- Goodbye, sir.

A minute.

I'm here to see your gardener.

The daily help from next door

is in a bit of a condition.

- Well, if Hoskins is
the father, he must pay.

- No, sir.

- I'm terribly sorry, oh, darling.

The constable here is on the lookout

for an effeminate young man.

- Everybody to his own taste.

- No, darling.

A young man was seen prancing outside

Hoskins' cottage.

- That's, ha-ha.

- Now, look.

I may not be one of your

bright boys from Scotland Yard,

but I think this fellow

was that Russian dancer bloke.

No, no, no!

- Well, it sounds like a

dancer, doesn't it, prancing?

You know they got a
sort of a way with them.

- That's very good.

- You sure it wasn't you?

- I want to see Hoskins.

- I just remembered.

He said he was going
down to the local pub

in the village.

- I wish you said that before, madam.

I'll go straight down there.

- Good idea.

Goodbye, Constable.

Say goodbye to the sexy little wife.

- No!

- You got to say goodbye, darling.

- You say your wife, sir?

- Of course.

- You've done it now, darling.

The constable knows I'm Mrs. Rimmington.

- Of course.

And I'm, Commander ahem!

- Oh, you understand.

- No.

- Well, the Commander ahem, and I are,

well, while my husband's away

fishing for the evening, Commander ahem,

and I are, well, you know.

- Well, that's your affair,

if you'll pardon the expression.

- You mustn't be too
hard on Mrs. Rimmington.

If only you knew how her

husband treated her.

Beats her three times a day after meals.

- Yes, well, it's a private matter.

I must say, uh,

I wouldn't have believed it,

the Commander, three times

a day seems a bit excessive.

- This is catastrophic.

Hoskins has been seen with Petrovyan.

What the devil is he eating?

- It's glucose.

He's got to keep up his strength.

Now listen, as soon as it

starts getting dark, you must

slip past those two Russians,

get to the village and take Father's car.

Oh, you're doing very
well, Gerry, darling.

- Marvellously.

I got Mr. Laver out there,

the Commander in there,

we're surrounded by Russians,

I don't know whether I'm

Commander Laver or Commander

Rimmington or Commander ahem,

I've got a wife, nanny,

three or four children,

I'm the sexiest beast in
Whitehall, and after you

with the glucose.

Nancy!

- Your father, I'd forgotten.

He's locked in.

- Open this door!

- Coming, sir.

- Who locked that door?

- He did.

- You did?

- Yes.

- It was a joke, Father.

- Our Liberal candidate is still here.

- Yes, darling.

I have a very large manifesto.

- Excuse me, sir.

Is that the BF reply

to the BF message you have?

- Yes, Laver, it is.

You and I will walk down

to the village and get my car.

- Your car?

- I shall then see Commander

Laver safely onto the train.

- I wanted to stay here with you.

- I'll get my hat.

- If he takes his car, you've had it.

- If he takes me to the
station, we've all had it.

- Why?

- Your mother's there,
waiting to be picked up.

- Oh, no!

Well, at least we can
get rid of Mr. Laver,

now that we've got that message.

We must keep Father out of the way.

- I've got it!

- What?

- The answer!

Rudi must make a dash for it.

- Now at last you're seeing sense.

- He'll be seen by those Russians.

- That's the whole idea!

And when they've finally caught

up with him, they'll realise

they've caught a red herring.

Someone impersonating Rudi.

A darling decoy.

- A decoy!

Marvellous!

- And in the meantime,

Rudi and I would have made

a crafty escape in
the opposite direction.

- Hey.

Hey, it could work.

- It will work.

- Which idiot are you
going to get to impersonate,

Huh.

Commanders yes, ballet dancers nyet.

- Well, at least think
yourself lucky you don't

have to wear ballet tights.

- I don't know why
you're laughing, darling.

You're gonna have to be me.

Boom-boom.

- Here, Miss Nancy.

That Mr. Laver,

he's cavorting about the lawn

in an intoxicated manner.

- Yes, Hoskins, we know.

What's the matter?

- Oh, no.

Constable Pulford!

- He's after you for questioning!

- Oh, my God.

If I don't pull through,
the burial money's

under the bed.

- Come on, upstairs.

- I was in the middle
of watering me beds.

- There are beds there.

Water those.

- Just a minute, Constable!

Get him into the kitchen.

- My lovely Nanny-wanny.

- Oh, Mr. Laver, please.

Oh!

- Mr. Laver the reply to your message.

- Thank you, Commander.

- Oh!

- Thank you.

- I've been waiting quite some time,

look, Commander,

I've been down the local pub

and Hoskins is not there.

- No, he's gone back to his cottage.

- Thank you, sir.

I shouldn't let any of the

locals see you like that if I were you.

You being a naval man.

Mm-hm.

- Nancy!

- Laver here, sir.

The key's on its way.

- Operation Decoy.

How do I look?

- Very nice, but where?

What is... One orange, one lemon.

I'll get you one of my wigs.

- What do I need a wig for?

- To look like Rudi.

Come on, get your clothes off.

- Ah!

- There's a good boy.

Come on, you too!

And your trousers.

Come on!

Come along!

Oh!

- Gosh, they're versatile.

- Here we are.

- Oh!

- I see nothing funny.

What's he say?

- You're not standing where he is.

Now are you ready, Gerry?

- I suppose so.

- How's your fruit bra?

- It's lovely.

- We'll give you two minutes lead,

then we'll head for the village.

- Okay, darling?

- Good luck, darlings.

Ready?

Yes.

- Oh!

Oh!

- Ha!

Yah!

Ah!

Ha!

- Madam, madam!

- What are you doing to my wife?

- Wife?

- She fainted, darling.

- Fainted darling?

Why?

- Well, she was there.

And so was I.

I was in a hurry, so I flashed it.

- Flashed it?

- Flashed by, I mean.

- How do you do?

I'm Mrs.-

- Why have you changed
clothes with Mr. Buss?

- That's a very good question.

- How do you do?

- I'm Mrs.- - What are you wearing that

thing on your head for?

- That's another very good one.

- We were playing charades.

- Oh!

Good afternoon, I'm... Charades?

- Yes, I was miming "You can

take a horse to water,

but a pencil must be lead."

- What's that got to do

with you being dressed up like that?

- Nothing.

That's why she couldn't guess it.

- Are you all right, Mother?

- Well, dear-

- What the blazes are you miming?

- Oranges and lemons.

- Could I meet some of these people?

- Oranges?

Well, what do you mean

by locking me in my study?

Is that the damn silly

sort of thing you get

up to in the Polish government?

- Yes.

- How do you do?

I'm... You'll be all right, Janet.

- Yes, dear.
- You passed out, Mother.

- Who wouldn't, with Laver flashing it?

- Flashing it?

- Yes, come on, dear.

- I'd rather stay.

- I'll give you a hand, Commander.

- I don't believe-

- Father, where are you taking her?

- Upstairs, of course.

- You won't put her in
your bedroom, will you?

- Why not?

- Hoskins is in your bedroom.

- What is Hoskins doing in my bedroom?

- Very sad, he fell down the well.

- What well?

- The well in the garden.

- I didn't know there
was a well in the garden.

- Neither did Hoskins.

That's how he came to fall down it.

- Okay.

- Yes, well.

It's been so nice meeting everyone.

♪ Here we come ♪

♪ Loop de loo ♪

♪ Here we come ♪

♪ Loop de la ♪

♪ Oh, here we come ♪

♪ Loop de loo ♪

- Comrade!

This way.

- Mr. Laver, the reply to your message.

- Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Commander.

And thank you, Commander,

for a simply super afternoon.

- Don't mention it.

- And now, I'm going.

- Splendid.

- To faint.

- What are you doing now?

- What do you think we're doing?

We fancy each other.

- I'll see if I can find

the smelling salts, my dear.

Who are all those people?

- You are lucky you didn't

break your damn neck.

Nancy!

- He mustn't see Laver,
he thinks I'm Laver.

- Smelling salts should do the trick.

Ah.

You're still here then, Laver.

- Just stretching my legs.

- Yes.

- How's the wife?

- She's all, uh,

I'll see if I can

find the smelling salts.

- Well done, darling.

- Let's get Rimmington out of the way.

He's busted the lock.

Keep everybody in the kitchen.

Come on, you!

Upsy-daisy

- Nancy!

This door's locked again!

Nancy!

- Just one moment, sir.

- Isn't this a lovely shirt?

- This is serious, sir.

I cannot find Hoskins

in his cottage or anywhere.

Either he's helping this Russian bloke,

or this Russian bloke has done him in.

Eh?

Beans for lunch.

Terribly sorry.

Tell you what.

- What?

- Why don't we look in the garden?

- Gerry.

Where is everybody?

- Don't panic, darling.

Sh!

We'll leave as soon as we can!

- Quiet!

Please be quiet.

Rudi!

Russian embassy men are still there.

Embassy?

Yes.

Let's have a little think, Rudi, darling.

Sh!

- Mrs. Rimmington's
hairdresser's talking in Russian.

Quiet, Rudi.

- Rudi!

The Russian defective,

posing as Mrs. Rimmington's hairdresser.

And Nanny Wanny's in on it too.

Laver, this could mean your knighthood.

- Coming, Janet!

- Commander.

I must, must find the Commander.

The front door.

Where's the front door?

Ah.

Commander!

Commander!

Oh!

- But Constable, I can't

really believe that any harm

has come to Hoskins.

- You don't seem very
perturbed that Hoskins

can't be found.

And it is urgent I talk to Hoskins, sir.

If the poor old boy is still alive.

- Well, he's, get back!

- Beg your pardon?

- I said did you get back?

- Get back?

From where?

- From where you've been.

- I haven't been.

- You haven't been?

You should have.

- Are you gonna help me

with my inquiries or not?

- No!

- No?

What do you mean, no?

- No, I'm not going

to help you with your inquiries.

- I fell out of the bedroom window.

- Hoskins.

What was the gardener
doing in the bedroom?

- Putting some late seeds to bed.

- You must think I'm a perfect idiot.

- No, Constable.

Nobody's perfect.

Sh!

♪ All things bright ♪

♪ And beautiful ♪

♪ All creatures large ♪

♪ And small ♪

- Mr. Laver.

♪ All things big ♪

♪ And beautiful ♪

♪ Tooty-fruity ♪

- Will you pull yourself together?

- Nancy.

- Father!

- Ah!

- Go!

Quick!

- It's a menage a trots.

- Something damned
fishy going on in here.

Hoskins!

What are you playing at?

Pulford, what the blazes is, Pulford!

- Anyone for tennis?

- Cooo-ee.

Anyone at homey?

- Hello?

Wrong number.

- Good afternoon.

How are you?

The drinks are over there.

- Hello.

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Rimmington.

You startled me.

- Mr. Hargreaves, isn't it?

- Yes, from next door.

- Anything I can do for you?

- Well, I don't wish
to interrupt the party.

- Party?

♪ Good King Wenceslas last looked out ♪

- Sh!

♪ On the feast of Stephen ♪

♪ When the snow lay ♪

♪ Round about ♪

♪ Deep and crisp and ♪

- Hello.

- Is he with you?

Maybe a friend of the Commander's.

- Certainly a friend of
the Commander's whiskey.

- Here.

Breathe in.

Bless you.

- He went that way.

- I think perhaps black
coffee might do the trick.

- Can I get it?

- Oh, could you?

The kitchen's through there.

And the coffee's in a tin marked rice.

- Wish I had a bell like that.

- It'll be all right.

- Oh, dear.

Do I know you, madam?

- No, I don't think so.

I'm Mrs. Rimmington.

- Mrs., are you the Mrs. Rimmington

who rang from the station?

- Yes, that's right.

- It's quite all right.

The Commander's told me all about you.

- I see.

- Yes.

Naughty girl.

In fact, the matter is your bit

of how's your father will have to wait.

- Will it?

- There's something going on

here in which you mustn't get involved.

- Really?

- You don't know about Red Rudi, do you?

- No.

- Nor the nanny.

- The nanny?

- I think she's an agent.

- She?

Travel or state?

- Secret.

- Oh, come on, you can tell me.

- Quick!

Down!

- Please, please.

Don't get excited.

Don't get excited!

- Oh, yes.

- Constable!

Madam, get away as quickly as possible.

It will all be in the
Sunday papers tomorrow.

You little sexpot.

Constable?

- Mr. Hargreaves.

Constable!

- Mr. Hargreaves!

- Whee!

- You'll find some cakes

in the cupboard, Mr. Hargreaves.

Oh, good afternoon, Constable.

- It is not a good afternoon, madam.

Now madam, I will trouble you

for your name, please.

- Certainly.

I'm Mrs. Rimmington.

- Rimmington,

I don't care about the marital

arrangements in this place.

- Marital arrangements?

- My report for this case

will look like a script

for a dirty, blue film.

- I think you'd better

explain yourself, Constable.

- Me explain myself?

My wife's all for a bit of fun.

But even she would
be horrified if she knew

that the Commander's mistresses

looks on while he beats

his wife three times
every day after meals.

- What?

- Now who fancies a nice, little tart?

- Who the hell are you?

- Constable, do I gather
that you have met another

Mrs. Rimmington here?

- Indeed I have, madam.

A little blonde thing

with a neckline plunging
down to her naval.

I don't care if I have
to put my foot in it.

I am trying to uncover a Communist plot

and not a pornographic love-in.

- Hello, darling.

- Janet, old girl.

Janet, Janet!

Janet.

- No!

- Janet!

- I'm not listening!

- Janet, old girl!

- Helloy?

Helloy?

- Helloy?

Helloy?

- What did you do that for?

- I don't know, I thought
he said the password.

- What the devil's going on?

- No trick questions, please.

- Now isn't the time.

Everybody's chasing everybody else.

You, that way.

There's no time for that!

Go on!

You, go with him.

We'll go this way as decoys, come on.

- Good luck, darlings.

- I'm government security!

- I don't feel very well.

- Right.

Everybody stay where they are.

- The Commander's apprehended

Mrs. Rimmington and the nanny.

Well done, Commander Rimmington.

- That is not Commander Rimmington.

That is Commander ahem.

- That's Mr. Buss.

Who?

- Mr. Buss.

Look, I'm willing to confess everything.

- Hey!

Come back!

Stop that Buss!

- She's the Liberal candidate, darling.

- I don't believe a word of it, darling.

- What was that?

- The clock in the kitchen.

- But we haven't got
a clock in the kitchen.

- Well, it's about time we had one then.

- You're as daft as your mother here.

- You never told me

you were the au pair girl's mother.

- Would you kindly just say who you are?

- She's Mrs. Rimmington.

- Oh!

- I'll get to the bottom of it.

- What?

Oh!

- I would like to know something.

- Yes.

Who the devil are you?

- Ah, Red Rudi.

- Yes, my future son-in-law.

- What?

- I can't speak Russian,

but I reckon he's fallen in my compost.

- Silence.

Move along, please, move along.

- You're not Pulford, are you?

- No.

- Are you?

- No.

- You're not Pulford.

- No, I'm looking for this

gentleman over here.

- Oh!

- Ah!

- Right.

Which one of you jokers
pinched my uniform?

Come on.

Fall in.

Move yourselves!

Right.

That is more like it.

Now then, Mrs. Rimmington.

You got some explaining to do.

And your nanny.

- Nanny?

Mrs. Rimmington?

- May I ask who you are, sir?

- I'm Commander Rimmington.

- You're an imposter.

- You're mad.

Who are you?

"It is your birthday.

Collect 10 pounds from each player."

- Laver.

Security.

- You're not Laver.

Constable, arrest this man.

- You must be in league

with Red Rudi and the nanny.

- The nanny is my daughter.

Red Rudi is my future son-in-law.

- That's as good as a confession.

Constable, arrest most of these people.

- Shut up!

- I must speak!

- You know what's going
to happen to you, don't you?

- Yes.

- Where's the bloke
what pinched my uniform?

Go on!

- Hey!

Come back!

- Pulford!

You trod on my sofa!

- Right.

Operation Decoy.

Nancy.

Just give us 10 seconds' start.

- We go now.

Pull yourself together, Rudi.

Darling, we've got to make a run for it.

- No!

- But you can't stay here.

- Me go back Russia!

- Russia?

- Yeah!

- What about me?

- You, you.

- What bloody sauce!

I'm glad I found out about you in time.

You need a good kick up the Kremlin.

- It's worked.

The Russians are after me.

You're supposed to be on your way!

- He's going back to Russia.

- What?

After all we've been through?

After I've convinced them I'm Petrovyan?

- Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

I think I'll just stick

to nice, sexy businessmen in the future.

- Come on, Gerry!

- It's all right.

There's no need to run.

It's all over.

He's going back.

- What?

Come on, Gerry.

- Where are we going?

- To a nice, quiet hotel.

- Darling, I couldn't possibly.

Yes, I could.

- What about me?

Hey, there might be

some nice, sexy
businessmen in that hotel.

- Constable.

Commander.

Constable.

- Constable!

Ah!

Commander!

Ah!

- There'll always be an England.

- Oh!

Ooh!

Oooh.

- I live next door.

- Shut up!

- I'm Bobby Hargreaves!

- Shut up!

- I want to go home!

- Shut up!

Hoskins!

- Huh?

- I want you, Hoskins!

- Oh!

Oi!

Stop!

- The law's after me!

- I said stop!

Stop!

Hoskins!

That vehicle, you drive!

Follow that gardener!

- I can't drive!

- Yes, you can!

- I haven't any... Shut up and drive!

Oh!

Yah!