All language subtitles for Malcolm in the Middle (2000) - S04E18 -eng

Hal, I'm leaving a sandwich
here for you.Thanks, honey.

Wow.

That was quick.

You must have been
really hungry.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Come on, boys, breakfast!
Let's go!

You're going to be late!
Hal, look what you're doing.

Oh, for God's sake!

My last good tie.

No. I just bought you
a whole 12-pack.

Well, I went
through it!

Mom!

Oh, for the love of Pete!

Reese blew his nose on my shirt!

Because Dewey put his dirty
underwear on my pillow!

MALCOLM:
And one of them used

my graphing calculator to
smash open a juice box!

Everybody just shut up!

Your mother is nine months
pregnant.

She's stressed out enough
as it is!

She doesn't need
all this screaming!

All right,
you know what?

I know how to solve this.

We're only going to be gone
for two days.

We're going to have
at least one weekend

before this baby's born where
we get some peace and quiet.

Without us?

You know the plan?

As soon as you leave,

I put Reese on a bus

to his grandma in Canada.

After school, I take
Malcolm over to Stevie's.

And Dewey stays with me.

Looks like you're
the lucky winner.

Why are you splitting us up?

Because this
is the only way

the judge would
let us leave town.

Have fun in school
today, suckers.

I'll send you

a postcard from Whitehorse.

Reese, figure it out.

It takes 26 hours to get there
and 26 hours back.

Your backpack is full of food,
and no one ever called Grandma.

Wait a minute.

I'm spending the entire weekend
on this bus?

I'm so glad we're finally here.

I can't believe you made me
walk that extra 150 yards.

Trust me, valet parking--

even complimentary
valet parking-- is a scam.

Welcome to Lovebirds,
a couples resort.

Wow.

Hi. We have a reservation.

Could we get to
our room quickly?

I really have to
use the bathroom.

Again.

I'm sorry, but the room

we were holding for you

is no longer available.

You gave away our room?

I'm sorry, sir.
You were four hours late,

and you didn't call.

But it's my wife.

We have to stop every ten miles

because she has
to pee all the time.

I do not have to
pee all the time.

Don't worry. I think
we can find you something.

I don't know
if you've read our brochures,

but this is sort of
a romantic hideaway for couples.

We know what it is.

Let me see what I can do.

I have to get
off my feet.

Angela...

Yes, Warren? Yes?

I am so sorry.

I just had
to sit down.

Don't...
don't mind me.

You mind if we turn off
that fireplace?

I'm sweating
like a pig.

Well, little man,
you and I have quite

the fun-filled
weekend ahead of us.

Tomorrow morning, there's jazz
at the Farmer's Market.

Then Lifetime is having
an intimate portrait

of Sandy Bullock.

And tomorrow night,
there's Improv in the Park

with a political bent.

Sound fun?

I think I just
want to play.

Play? Well, sure,

we could squeeze in
some play, I guess.

Why don't you go ahead
and get that started?

No, I mean play together.What do you mean?

We can play fort.

Ooh, I don't have Fort.

I have Clue,

but it's a collector's edition,
unopened.

If you want,
I can show you a picture of it.

No. You don't have to
havefort. You just do it.

Didn't you ever play fort
with your friends

when you were a kid?

Of course I played.

I had friends,
plenty of friends.

And you're short.

Come on. I'll show you.

Hello, ma'am.

This is Mel Jenkins
with Transway Bus Lines.

I don't know how
to tell you this.

I was keeping an eye on your son
for you, like you asked,

but when we got out
on the interstate,

he went into the bathroom,
and...

Well, he must have jumped out
the window while we were moving.

I'd gone 60 miles
before I noticed.

REESE:
What?!

How could you do this
to my favorite son?

The only one I ever loved

is now lying

in a ditch somewhere.

Well, I'd better
call the coffin store.

Good-bye.

I knew it!

I knew if I came back
I'd catch you here.

You can't be trusted
for five seconds,

let alone a whole weekend.

Okay, look, just don't tell...

Wait a minute.

What are youdoing here?

Me? I'm here to...

guard the house from
your bad things you're doing.

What's in the bag?

Candles...

chocolate-covered
strawberries...

Sleepless in Seattle.

My God, you're gay.

No, I'm not.

Look, I don't know
how I did it,

but I talked Kathy McCulskey
into coming over tonight.

Kathy McCulskey?

I'm impressed.

She doesn't leave her house

for anything less
than second base.

Which is exactly why we need
the house to ourselves.

I'm sorry, Malcolm. I'm already
committed to this party.

Reese, you've seen
enough teenage movies

to know how badly this
is going to turn out.

I haven't just seen them,
I've studied them.

And I found the fatal flaw.

In every one of those movies,

the party was
on a Saturday night.

Mine? Friday.

This gives me an extra day

to refill the pool,
replace the crystal thing,

turn back the odometer,

and get the dead bodies back
in the ground.

Please don't do this to me.

Tell you what, Malcolm.

I'll try and keep
the front room closet

off limits as long as I can.

I thought we reserved
a deluxe suite.

No, ma'am.

This is the
Petite Sleeper.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Why do they bother
giving you a confirmation number

if they're just going
to give your room away anyway?

Don't be mad at them.

It's not their fault.

Oh, yeah, so it's my fault.

I didn't say that.

Well, at least
we have a great view

of the parking lot from here.

At home, I have to crane my neck
to see our car.

Look, you know what?

The room is what it is.

So we just have to try to
make the best of it.

We're here. We have a
little time to ourselves.

Let's find a way
to enjoy it, hmm?

I have to pee.

Of course you do.

Oh, perfect.

They promised us
a heart-shaped tub.

We got a tub-shaped tub.

For the love of God,
will you take a break?

I know you're pregnant.

I know you're uncomfortable.

I know you're swollen
and puffy and distended

and inflated, but you've just
got to stop complaining.

Well, I'm sorry
I'm such a burden.

In another three weeks,

you won't ever have to
suffer through this again.

Well, we don't know that.

What did you say?

I said,

I'd move the car.

No, you said,

we don't know
that, but, Hal...

Hal, we do know that,

because you had
a vasectomy.

Yes, I did.

Oh, my God,
you didn't do it!

You lied to me.

Just a little.

Hal, you sat
with an ice pack

on your crotch
for three days.

Well, that should count
for something.

Hal, we talked about this.

We agreed on this.

No, youagreed on it!

I never wanted a vasectomy.

There are plenty of
other methods out there.

Oh, yeah, they work.

We've got our
rhythm method child,

our diaphragm child,
our condom child.

Oh, yes, and our two
abstinence children.

Lois, you just
don't understand

how extraordinarily precious
those parts are to me.

Precious?!
Hal, give me a break.

You're not that guy.

You've never been that guy.

When it comes to this,
every guy is that guy.

C-4.

Hit.

E-4.

Hit.

Hey, you guys want to come

to a party at my house?

It's going to be amazing.

My parents are gone
for the whole weekend.

The whole weekend?

You heard me.

48 hours, totally unsupervised.

Anything goes.

Total freedom, man.

Interesting.

This'll do.

What's this junk?

What is going on?

Okay, here's
what's going to happen.

We have some private business
to conduct.

This is now our garage

for the next 48 hours.

You don't come near it.
You don't ask about it.

We get out
before your parents come back.

They never have to find out

that you're the one
who invited us.

What the hell
are you guys doing?

You know, he just

explained it really well,

but all I could hear was
my own heartbeat.

Reese, that stuff is...

See, that's you guys talking,

and that doesn't work for me.

Now, can I trust
that you guys

won't talk, or am I going

to have to remove something

to make it physically
impossible?

And that is not
the worst part

of the operation.

Once they split open
your coin purse,

they pull out the vas deferens,

put it on the table
and... chop!

And they don't
always get it

on the first chop, either.

Chop, chop, chop!

Can I get you guys
another drink?

Set us up, will you?

It's been three hours

since these guys
took over our house.

So far, there's been
a few fires,

I've had a bottle thrown at me

and I've even been threatened
with death.

On the other hand,

they haven't stopped raving
about Reese's bean dip.

So the evening could go
either way.

Did Fast Eddie
like his salmon?

In about an hour I'm gonna need

you guys to dump a
50-gallon drum of...

stuff. Do it quick,

don't draw attention
to yourselves,

and don't breathe in
when you're doing it.

Look, it's one thing
to ask us

to stay out
of your business,

but when you try
to involve us...

Okay.

Hey, Donnie, the soufflés
are almost up.

Hmm.

Who the hell is that?

I don't know.
It's... Oh, no.

Who ordered the girl?

Not me.I didn't do it.

Kathy, hi.

Hey.

You didn't tell me
there were going
to be other guys here.

Yeah, well...
Just 'cause you
read something

on a bathroom wall
doesn't mean it's true.

No. Look, these
are cousins of mine.

You know,
friend cousins.

They dropped in
unexpectedly.

So, you know, right now
isn't a good time.

Obviously not.

We could still do the dinner
and talking part.

God.

Yeah, man, show some class.

Thank you.

Kathy, listen,
you have to trust me
on this one.

Hey, bring your girlfriend
in here.

Yeah.

♪

...98, 99, 100.

Ready or not, here I come.

There you are.

What's wrong?

No one ever
found me before.

It's because you're such
a good hider.

Yeah, that's probably it.

Just put it anywhere.

We had a hard time
finding this old girl.

You can imagine we don't get
much call for it,

this being a couples resort
and all.

Uh-huh.

Not sure I even know

how to operate
the dang thing.

I'm sure you'll
figure it out.

My gosh, I've been here
for over 30 years

and I ain't never done
this before.

We see all kind
of couples here,

but I've never seen...

Thank you.
I'll finish this.

Fine by me.

I've got to go up
to Room 318

and fill the bathtub
with rose petals.

Arm. Five points for Chuck.

Oh! Crotch again.

15 points. Nice shot, Randy.

Chuck, Randy, we got
to put in the catalyst.

Okay, we can finish
this game later.

Don't sit down, Chuck.

You're still in this.

I think it's a party again.

Are you kidding me?

This is
a hostage situation.No.

Reese, haven't you ever
heard of Stockholm Syndrome?

You're starting to identify
with your captors.

What captors?

These guys saved
my life, man.

Because they decided
not to kill you.

Same thing.

They made us accessories
to some kind of felony.

They're setting up
a decontamination shower

in front of the garage.

And poor Kathy must have
been completely traumatized.

Where'd she go anyway?

I'm never going
to forgive myself

for dragging her into this.

We have to do something.

You've got to
relax, Malcolm.

Some of these guys
are really nice.

Have you had Big Wanda
tell you your fortune?

Look, we can't handle this
ourselves.

We don't know how to deal

with a whole bunch
of low-life criminals.

We need help.

You guys did the right thing
by calling me.

Sorry to drag you out here
all the way from the ranch.

This shouldn't take long.

They all in there?

Yeah, well,
one of them's

in the bedroom
with Kathy.

Who's Kathy?

My date.

Dude.

What are you
going to do?

How are you going
to get them out?

Whoa, whoa,
slow down.

You got to think
these things through.

We're going to handle this
real delicately.

When you're dealing
with a complex

psychological situation,
you have to remember

there's a lot
of subtle machinations

that come into play.

Donnie?

Francis? What are
youdoing here?

I heard you were
in Alaska.

No, I'm working

at a ranch now. How you doing?

You still hanging
out at Kelsey's?

No. They went
karaoke.

Oh, this town.

So listen, this
is my parents' house.

These are my brothers.

I know you didn't
know that,

but when you and your buddies
took over the place,

you kind of freaked them out
a little bit.

Oh.

So, maybe you want
to take this someplace else.

Yeah, you know what?

That just sounds
like it's going
to be hard, so... no.

Hey, look, dude
I know you don't want me

to get the cops over here,
do you?

And I'm sure you
wouldn't want me

to tell them who pulled
over the water tower.

That was you, Francis.

Really?

Well, then maybe
I should tell them

about the highway overpass.

That was also you.

Car wash? The sinkhole?

All you.

Huh.

Um, okay, well,
you guys sit tight

and we'll be in the house.

If that's okay.

Well, I think we gave 'em
enough to think about.

Hal.

I thought I saw a spider.

You want to just cut our losses
and check out in the morning?

I guess.

Should we still do
the Afterglow Breakfast?

Well... we gotta eat.

Are you sure
I'm not too old
for Winky Dinks?

The box says
"For ages eight
and up."

Well, I'm right
smack-dab

in the middle
of that window.

What the hell is this?

Shh.

We just got them
to go to sleep.

You boys aren't even
supposed to be here

and you're
throwing

a coed slumber party?

Who's the fat chick?

Okay, that's it. I want
everybody out of here! Pronto!

Hey! No one tells
uswhat to do.That's right.

Craig, you might want...

None of your excuses!

You and your little friends

are in a boatload of trouble.

Let's just go back
to Craig's apartment

and wait it out till Sunday.

We can't just leave him here!

Dewey, there's a principle
I learned in military school.

The needs of the many
outweigh the needs

of the guy who
can't run fast.

No! We face-painted
each other.

I'm not leaving him here.

Dewey, there's nothing
we can do.

Not the crevice tool!

I know what to do.

Seven minutes till checkout.

Do you have the soap,
the sewing kit

and the stationery?

Got 'em.
I also got the shampoos

and the shoe cloth.

I couldn't find the shower caps.

I got 'em.Good.

Are you coming?

No. This is ridiculous.

We came all this way

to have one relaxing,
romantic weekend

and, and we're more tense
than when we left the house.

Well, there's nothing
we can do about it now.

Yes, there is.

We've got seven minutes left.

We paid for it.
We're going to use it.

How?

By doing one nice thing
for each other before we go.

And we'd better make it good,

because we're not going

to have another chance at it
for 18 years.

Well... I suppose I
could be persuaded
to make a gesture.

Will you rub my feet?

I would love to rub your feet.

What can I do for you?

Please leave my balls alone.

Okay.

Mmm...

ANDY:
Sir? Ma'am?

Checkout was two hours ago,
and we really do need the room.

Hello?!

What the hell do
you think you're doing?

I think it would be best
if you left... now.

That's what you think, huh?

Yeah, that's what I think.

Well, I think we're going
to take a pass on that.

Okay, Donnie.

Just remember,
you drove me to this.

Really? What exactly
did we just drive you to?

I told.

Oh, you told.

I called your moms
and I told on you.

You called my mommy, hmm?

WOMAN:
Donnie?!

Mom?

What-what are you
doing here?

Trying to hide how ashamed I am
at your behavior

and wondering
where I went wrong.

Ma, come on.

Your father and I tried
to give you

the best life possible,

and this is how
we're paid back?

Ma, you don't own me.

I make my own
decisions now.

Theseare the decisions
you make?

Thisis the life you choose?!

Who's covering
your shift

at the suit outlet?

Dude...

you are sobusted.

WOMAN 2:
Don't you be
so smug,

David Alan Ferguson.

Believe me, every one
of your stepfathers

is going to hear
about this.

WOMAN 1:
You say good-bye
to your friends

and you get in the car...
right now!

Yeah, see you later.Uh, bye.

I forgot how good
it feels to tell.

MALCOLM:
Yeah, everything was fine.

You know,

kind of boring.

Quiet, boring.

Fun, but boring.

Look who I picked up
from the bus station

after not having
seen him

since I dropped
him off.

Canada was wonderful.

I brought bananas
back for everybody.

Do you really want to know?

Not really.
No.