All language subtitles for The.King.of.Queens.S01E08.DVDRip.XviD-RiVER

What do you got there?

Mini Number-O's.

Frosted numbers.

Oh, I'll give them a try.

Oh, 3-D glasses.

Guess this is my lucky day.

Can I see them?

You can see them fine
from right there.

Okay, you know what, fine, fine.
Enjoy them.

Look, Arthur, it's no big deaI,

but I did buy the cereaI,
so technically... those are mine.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law,
buddy boy.

You know what, you keep those,
and I'll keep the box

with the 3-D jungle scene
on the back, okay?

- Let me see that.
- Nine-tenths of the law.

Look at that, it's even fun to look at
with plain eyes.

Look at the little jungle cat.

Maybe we can work something out.

Oh, suddenly we're negotiating.

Don't think so.

I'm warning you, I'll rip them in half!

Go ahead, big shot.

Oh, that's it. You'll never see
this jungle picture again.

No more jungle picture, okay?

You manic. There you go, huh?

You want some cereaI, hon?

All right, Mr. and Mrs. Heffernan.
I'm gonna try to wrap this up quickly.

Probably have better things to do
with your evening

than talk about insurance.

I don't know,
just that pesky World Series.

Well, actually,
all I need now is your decision

on the building code
upgrade coverage.

You think you want that or not?

Well, do you think we need it?

Well, personally, I think
the argument for it is fairly specious.

- Specious?
- I don't know.

So yea or nay?

Well, that depends
how specious the argument really is.

Well, I'd say in your case,
it's extremely specious.

I guess we just have to decide
if we're into the whole specious thing.

You know what?
I'm just gonna think about it.

I'm just gonna think about it
right over here.

Keep on talking.

So insurance...

It's quite a game.

How'd a crazy guy like yourself
get involved with that?

Well, you know, I just needed
something where I could be out,

you know, meeting people.

You know, there's one thing
my old grandma used to say-

Alrighty. Yeah, that's nice. All right.

So, hon, yea or nay?

Well, since the argument for it has
the ring of truth, but is actually false,

I say we take a pass.

I agree. All right, let's play ball.

What are we watching?

Indian River lumberjack competition.

This looks to be
the pole-bucking finals.

See, he's gotta climb up
that 20-foot pole

and cut a slice off the end
with his chain saw.

It's judged on speed
and... chain-saw technique.

You do realise we have a limited time
on this earth, don't you?

What's the matter?

Just what happened tonight.

I mean, it didn't bother you at all that
we didn't know what "specious" meant?

A little at first,
but I made my peace with it.

See, now that slice is uneven.

That's gonna cost him.
That's points off right there.

I got news for you, hon,
we're getting dumber as a couple.

No, we're fine.

- No, we're not fine.
- Hey.

Doug, we're turning into idiots.
All we do is watch TV all the time.

You know, there are couples
that actually sit in bed and read.

Who do you know
who sits in bed and reads?

Mike and CaroI Brady.

You see, that's all I could
come up with because I'm an idiot.

You are not, all right?
Stop that. Don't talk like that.

I love you.
Now, come here, give me a hug.

- Yeah, right. Nice try, Doug.
- Come on, give me the remote.

- No TV.
- Yes TV.

Doug, come on. You know,
it wouldn't kill us to read more.

Yes, kill us.

All right, Doug, stop.

Now, just pretend I'm a commerciaI
and listen to me for one minute.

- What?
- Okay.

This girlfriend of mine,
her and her husband,

they take all these classes
together at night.

You know, different things, just
to keep their minds going, you know?

Losers.

They're not losers.

Now, come on,
we should do something like that.

- Yeah, okay. Give me the remote.
- Come on.

- I do things you wanna do.
- Oh, yeah, like what?

Like sex.

Oh, like you don't enjoy
the gravy train. Come on.

I will. Come on,
just take one class with me.

One class, one night a week.

If we get too smart, we'll stop.

- All right, all right.
- Okay.

- Give me the remote.
- There you go.

- Thank you.
- All right.

Oh, great, look at that.
Lost a finger. I missed it. Thank you.

Heffernan is handling
lannucci's backhand volleys,

indeed, is answering them in kind.

Oh, brilliant passing shot by Heffernan
to win the day.

Score now stands 6 to 4.

Hey, Moose,
we playing poker Thursday night?

I can't.

Carrie signed us up
for some night class.

"The Victorian NoveI."

All right.

- What's up with that?
- I don't know.

She started yapping
during the lumberjack competition.

I said yes to get the remote back.

Hey, you're in for a reaI treat.

Such wonderfuI novels.

Wuthering Heights,
Tess of the d'Urbervilles?

Oh, they're all written
with such panache.

See, that's why you get
a lot of wedgies.

You know,
maybe I'll take this class with you.

You know, these extension courses
are a really good place to meet women.

Spence, you couldn't pick up
any women

in that wine-tasting class
and they were all drunk.

Yeah, but books
are more my milieu.

Okay, one more word in French out
of you I'm gonna have to kick your ass.

- Touch�.
- That's it.

I'll tell you,
this was a banner idea you kids had,

taking classes at night.

- You decided what you're gonna take?
- I'm not sure.

Either Salsa Dancing
or How to Become a Notary Public.

- What do you think?
- Well, that depends

if you wanna dance
or watch people sign things.

Both interest me.

Hey, would you watch the road
now and again?

- Would you relax?
- I'm sorry.

It's just that kid,

I think he's gotta go home
and change now.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna take
the notary class.

God knows, the world doesn't need
another salsa dancer.

- Spence, come on.
- Coming.

Bye, Mom.

I don't know how late.
We might go out after.

I don't need to wear my hood.

As soon as we get around a corner,
this thing's coming right off.

And so,
by the beginning of the century,

you've got Napoleon
overrunning Europe,

the promise of democracy gone,

the industriaI revolution
turning everyone's lives upside down,

and from this upheavaI emerged
some of the greatest writers in history.

Does this look like Batman?

In one short period of history,

you've got Charles Dickens,
Thomas Hardy,

the Bront� sisters, Jane Austen.

All the way through Henry James
and Oscar Wilde.

Now, these writers,
each in their own way,

reflected the mores
and conventions of their times,

and in many cases I think we'll find
they challenged these mores as well.

Quit it!

Oh, he was touching me.

Anyway, we're gonna get rolling
with a noveI

by one of the most
truly interesting writers of the era:

Charlotte Bront�.
The book, Jane Eyre.

I'm also handing out a list
of ten discussion questions

about Jane Eyre.

I want you to read the book,
look them over,

we will discuss them
when we meet again.

I'll tell you this much,

becoming a notary public
is not for the timid, no, sir.

Very competitive.

Lot of backstabbing.

Hey, pull over. I gotta use the john.

Why didn't you go
when we dropped Spence off?

I didn't have to go then.

Excuse me
for not having a prostate!

All right, Dad, there's a Dairy Queen.
Go knock yourself out.

Okay. After I pee,
anyone want a soft serve?

No, thanks.

Okey-dokey.

Okay, look, I'm sorry about the class.
I was just fooling around, I'm sorry.

No, forget about it.

It's not even your fault. It's my fault.

It is?

I just kind of had this stupid fantasy
that we'd take the class,

and we'd both enjoy it,
and then we'd read more books.

And eventually
we'd spend our evenings

sitting in front of a roaring fireplace,
drinking cognac.

Exchanging witty repartee.

Who was I kidding?

We can't even do
the word jumble in the Daily News.

All right, you know what?
I'm gonna read the book.

No, Doug, don't, because I wasn't
trying to guilt you into doing this.

I know, okay? I want to.
I want us both to read it,

and talk about it
in front of a roaring fire.

I'm sure your father
will start one at some point.

You really wanna continue
with the class?

Yes.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Honey?

Nothing.

Okay, baby,
got my reading supplies.

My lap pillow,
my pro-reader bookmark,

and my itty-bitty book light,
for after lights out.

And?

Oh, God.

Book.

There you go, bubby.

Okay.

Me and the missus,
getting jiggy with our books.

Here we go, "Chapter one. "

"There was no possibility
of taking a walk that day.

We had been wandering, indeed,

in the leafless shrubbery
an hour in the morning,

but since dinner, the cold winter wind
had brought with it clouds so sombre,

and a rain so penetrating,
that further outdoor exercise

was now out of the question. "

Oh, my God.

All right, don't panic.
You can do this.

"I never liked long walks,
especially on chilly afternoons. "

Chilli.

I like chilli.

How do women
wear a bra all the time?

It's not that bad
once you get going, right?

Yeah, it's- Yeah.

Oh, look at him.

He's really trying.

Such a sweetie.

What's growing out of his ear?

That was not there six months ago.

Jimmy crack corn, I hate this book

Jimmy crack corn, I hate this book

Jimmy crack corn, I hate this book

Let's pretend I read page one

Sign this.

"I agree to deliver 15 tons of graveI

to MacKenzie NavaI Base
in Bethesda, Maryland. "

It's a sample contract for my class.
I need to practice notarising.

Good, because I don't think
I have that much graveI.

Do I mock your profession?

Now, come on,
you sign it while I watch,

then I'll stamp it,
and I'll enter it into my ledger.

You got it.

Wait. I'm not ready to watch yet.

I need a second to get loose.

Okay.

Sign it.

Okay.

Back up two inches.

Alrighty. Here we go.

- Okay?
- Oh, my God!

I looked away!

I didn't see you sign it.

I signed it, Dad. Take my word for it.

If I could take your word,
we wouldn't need notaries, would we?

Who was I fooling?

I'm not fit to be a notary.

It's a young man's game.

- Hey.
- Hey, honey, how's the book coming?

Good. Page 418.

Wow, you're ahead of me.

Oh, come on.
Don't be hard on yourself.

It's not a race.

I'm just gonna go finish up, work on
my discussion questions, okay?

- All right, I'll see you upstairs.
- Okay.

I am so screwed.

That whole book business again?

Yeah, the class is tomorrow.
I'm on page two.

I can't even say I have a firm grasp
of page one.

Why don't you just tell Carrie
you didn't read the book?

What's she gonna do,
hold you back a year?

She'll hate me, that's what.

Hey, fellows. Game still on?

Yeah, it's the third quarter.

It's a big couch.

Excuse me.

So, Spence,
you finish the book yet?

Oh, yeah. Well, it was my third time,

but I still got a little teary at the end.

So, hey, maybe...

Maybe you and I could compare
notes on the discussion questions.

- You finish them yet?
- Oh, yeah.

I got 14 pages
of grade-A observations right here.

All right, let me have a look.

Wait, you did read the book, right?

You lie so bad.

I didn't read it.
Let me see them anyway.

- Come on, man.
- I'm not showing you my answers.

I'm leaving.

I don't think so.

This is mature.
Right back in junior high.

What are you gonna do, hold me
down and steaI my homework?

AII I want is the answers.
How I get them is up to you.

Different time, different place, Doug.

You can't intimidate
this guy anymore.

What-? This shouldn't be happening.
We're in our 30s.

Look, it's nothing personaI.
I don't even enjoy this anymore.

Help, Richie.

Moose.

Get his lunch money.

Okay.

On to the next discussion question.

Yes, the symbolism of the old
chestnut tree shattered by lightning.

Any thoughts?

Restroom key
is hanging on the wall.

No. I'd like to take
a shot at the question.

Sure. What the hell?

Well, it seemed to me
that the shattered chestnut tree

symbolised that the love
between Jane and Rochester

was about to become
cruelly shattered.

And, although
this wasn't part of the question,

I also feeI the red moon

and the raging wind
were ominous precursors as well.

That is shockingly coherent.

Thank you.

Well, that brings us
to our next question, which is:

Why did Bront�
choose to tell the story

from Jane's point of view,
rather than Rochester's?

- Yes?
- I think it gave her a chance to be

a little autobiographicaI,
to put her own experiences in it.

- That's interesting.
- Yeah, interesting,

though a bit simplistic.

In point of fact,
Bront� led a very clustered life.

- Cloistered.
- Cloistered life.

And the sensuaI character
of Jane Eyre

was probably something
of a liberation for her.

Doug, I've got to say,
I'm very impressed.

Have you studied
Victorian literature before?

No, no, no, not really, just...

I guess it's my milieu.

- Doug.
- Yeah?

I think I agree with you,
with what you said in class.

- About?
- About Jane leaving Thornfield.

I really think it is
her symbolic loss of virginity.

Just one delivery man's opinion.

Let me ask you a question.

What do you think
about Jane's parakeet?

What do you think that represented?

- The parakeet?
- Yeah.

Well, it certainly gave her
someone to talk to.

And beyond that, I think the bird,

what with its droppings,

symbolised how crappy life can be.

There's no parakeet, is there?

Doug, I know you beat up Spence
for his homework.

He told you?

Oh, he is so dead.

No, he did not tell me,
his mother called.

I was so close.

Please, you were not so close.

It was so obvious in class
that you were faking.

I mean, I'm just surprised
you didn't wear a monocle and a cape.

- I'm sorry.
- Doug, I don't understand this.

You sat next to me, night after night,
turning pages, nodding,

highlighting with your
little stupid yellow marker.

What the hell were you doing?

Mostly planning my meals.

And I also came up with an idea
for a new board game.

Car, I tried. I really did try.
It was just too much.

Doug, it's a book.

You can read, can't you?

Not when people are making me.

That's why I did lousy in schooI.
All the pressure from the nuns.

"Read this, read that,
show your work. "

I mean, at least
I pretended to read for you.

That's true.

I mean, I stared
at a book for two weeks,

because I love you.

Not many husbands would do that.

You're right.
Only the disturbed ones would.

But you're right,
maybe this class thing

is just not for us right now.

I mean, maybe
I overreached a little bit.

Maybe we should start smaller.

Yeah, like, maybe we should do
the word jumble together.

And not turn it upside down
for the answers.

- No matter what.
- Yeah.

All right, come on.
Come cuddle with mama.

Okay.

Hey, you wanna hear
about my new board game?

It's called Shominy,
and it's for ages 6 and up.

That's all I got so far.

Here we go.

This is great, huh?
Me and the jiggy getting missus-

- But you kept on going too.
- I know.

- That is so funny.
- Why, did I screw up?