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[**]
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[SPORTS PLAYING ON TV]
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ARTHUR:
Carrie, I need you!
4
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:11,420
CARRIE:
I'm working, Dad!
5
00:00:11,460 --> 00:00:13,550
ARTHUR: My fish sticks
are burning.
6
00:00:13,590 --> 00:00:16,180
CARRIE: So take them
out of the oven.
7
00:00:16,220 --> 00:00:17,640
ARTHUR: You said I wasn't
allowed near the oven.
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00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:19,640
Make up your mind,
Mussolini!
9
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,270
CARRIE:
It's okay, Dad.
10
00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:25,350
ARTHUR: Where do you hide
the oven mitts?
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00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,520
CARRIE: I hide them
on a hook over the oven.
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00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:32,400
ARTHUR: All I see
are pink puppets.
13
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,240
CARRIE: Those are
the oven mitts!
14
00:00:35,450 --> 00:00:37,070
ARTHUR:
They're both lefties!
15
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,200
Have you been sitting there
this whole time?
16
00:00:43,250 --> 00:00:45,710
Uh, yeah.
17
00:00:45,750 --> 00:00:48,540
Could you go in there and
please take care of this?
18
00:00:58,220 --> 00:00:59,180
ARTHUR: Hey!
19
00:00:59,220 --> 00:01:00,640
Hey, hey!
Those are mine!
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00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,480
It's all taken care of.
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CARRIE: Thanks, baby.
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* My eyesare gettin' weary*
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* My back is gettin' tight*
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00:01:14,690 --> 00:01:16,740
* I'm sittin' herein traffic*
25
00:01:16,780 --> 00:01:20,120
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
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00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:25,290
* But I don't care,'cause all I want to do*
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00:01:25,330 --> 00:01:28,710
* Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
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00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:32,550
* 'Cause, baby,all my life*
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* I will be drivin' hometo you*
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00:01:46,060 --> 00:01:47,560
Hey, Arthur.
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00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:49,150
Hi, you're just
in time to join me
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00:01:49,190 --> 00:01:51,650
in a bowl
of Fiber 4,000.
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00:01:51,690 --> 00:01:55,070
This stuff really shows
your colon who's boss.
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00:01:55,110 --> 00:01:58,530
Um, not sure
women have colons.
35
00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:01,320
Well, you don't know
what you're missing.
36
00:02:01,370 --> 00:02:02,740
Listen, Arthur,
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00:02:02,780 --> 00:02:05,000
I need to talk to you
about something.
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00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,120
I'm afraid I'm not
going to be able
39
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,250
-to walk you anymore.
-What?
40
00:02:08,290 --> 00:02:10,710
I met a guy and he wants me
to move to Manhattan.
41
00:02:10,750 --> 00:02:14,000
And so the dollar
dance begins.
42
00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:17,010
Let's skip the fairy tale
and get to the real story.
43
00:02:17,050 --> 00:02:18,220
You want a raise?
44
00:02:18,260 --> 00:02:20,300
No, no, no.
I'm quitting,
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and I was kind of hoping
you'd give me your blessing.
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00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,020
-Hi, Carrie.
-Oh, hey.
47
00:02:25,060 --> 00:02:26,140
Darling, you're just in time.
48
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,770
Holly has some "big news."
49
00:02:28,810 --> 00:02:31,350
She's "moving" to "Manhattan"
50
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,980
with her "boyfriend."
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00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:37,070
Needless to say,
I'm "devastated."
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00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,740
Hmph.
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00:02:40,700 --> 00:02:41,950
What's going on?
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00:02:41,990 --> 00:02:44,660
Well, I met a guy.
I mean, he's great.
55
00:02:44,700 --> 00:02:47,790
He's sweet and funny
and, boy,
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00:02:47,830 --> 00:02:49,580
when the lights go out,
we just--
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00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:52,750
Whoa, easy there, girl.
[CHUCKLES]
58
00:02:52,790 --> 00:02:55,960
So, who is this guy?
How'd you meet him?
59
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,630
Well, um...we met.
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00:02:58,670 --> 00:03:01,050
We just met!
He's amazing!
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00:03:02,430 --> 00:03:03,850
Well, that answers that.
62
00:03:03,890 --> 00:03:05,890
Yeah, and he says
we're gonna stay
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00:03:05,930 --> 00:03:07,890
in a penthouse in Manhattan,
and he can afford it
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00:03:07,930 --> 00:03:10,230
'cause he owns
his own limo company.
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00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:12,190
Right...
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00:03:12,230 --> 00:03:13,690
What is it?
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00:03:13,730 --> 00:03:14,770
Nothing. It's just
not the first time
68
00:03:14,810 --> 00:03:16,110
you've walked in here
all excited
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00:03:16,150 --> 00:03:17,940
about some amazing guy
you met,
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00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:20,740
and, well, it just hasn't
worked out that way.
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00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:22,780
What do you mean?
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00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:24,240
Well, like the time
you were dating
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00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:25,410
that guy who told you
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00:03:25,450 --> 00:03:27,740
he was lieutenant governor
of New Jersey.
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00:03:28,450 --> 00:03:29,660
Spike?
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00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:31,250
Yeah.
77
00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:33,750
-Yeah, he was probably lying.
-Yeah, yeah...
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00:03:33,790 --> 00:03:36,130
But Carl's different,
I just know it.
79
00:03:36,170 --> 00:03:37,420
And I hope so, you know,
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00:03:37,460 --> 00:03:39,170
but before you uproot
your whole life,
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00:03:39,210 --> 00:03:40,380
you know, you might
want to check out
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00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:42,260
if Carl really is
who he says he is,
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00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:44,760
you know, and that he's
really serious about you.
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00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,050
You're right. I mean,
what if I find out
85
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:47,760
he's just another
lying creep?
86
00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:49,770
Yep. Well, then
I get a call saying,
87
00:03:49,810 --> 00:03:51,690
"They cut me off at O'Dooley's.
Can you drive me home?"
88
00:03:51,730 --> 00:03:53,190
And we get on
with our lives.
89
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:55,270
I've done that?
90
00:03:55,310 --> 00:03:56,690
Couple of times.
91
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,360
You know something,
my dog is so upset
92
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,280
that Holly's not gonna
be walking him anymore,
93
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,410
last night,
he peed in my slippers.
94
00:04:07,450 --> 00:04:08,870
Actually, that was me.
95
00:04:10,790 --> 00:04:12,710
Don't leave 'em
next to the toilet.
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00:04:12,750 --> 00:04:14,170
You know I break right.
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00:04:15,790 --> 00:04:16,790
At least you're consistent.
Arthur's like
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00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,800
a golf course sprinkler.
99
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:22,840
[IMITATES WATER SPRINKLER]
100
00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:27,470
Hey, yo, yo.
Check out the menu.
101
00:04:27,510 --> 00:04:28,720
Don't tell me
they're bringing back
102
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:29,850
the tofu fingers,
103
00:04:29,890 --> 00:04:31,270
'cause I swear to God,
I will walk.
104
00:04:31,310 --> 00:04:33,690
No, man. They just named
a sandwich after me.
105
00:04:33,730 --> 00:04:34,810
What?
106
00:04:34,850 --> 00:04:37,060
"The Deacon."
That is so cool!
107
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,820
-Let me see that.
-DEACON: I guess Paddy thought
108
00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:40,320
that combo I came up
with the other night
109
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,070
was good enough
to become a menu item.
110
00:04:42,110 --> 00:04:44,070
Yeah, that's great.
There's only one problem.
111
00:04:44,110 --> 00:04:45,200
It's my sandwich.
112
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:46,450
What are you
talking about?
113
00:04:46,490 --> 00:04:47,910
I'm the one
who came up with the idea
114
00:04:47,950 --> 00:04:49,330
to make a club sandwich
with ham, pastrami,
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00:04:49,370 --> 00:04:50,830
-onion rings and gravy.
-DEACON: Yeah, but see,
116
00:04:50,870 --> 00:04:53,830
but I got rid of the ham
and replaced the gravy
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00:04:53,870 --> 00:04:55,330
with a dab of horseradish.
118
00:04:55,370 --> 00:04:57,330
Yeah, but I invented it.
119
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:59,840
See, food to you,
it's just fuel.
120
00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,710
To me, it's
an unexplored country.
121
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,010
You should come back
122
00:05:05,050 --> 00:05:07,930
'cause that country's
out of bacon.
123
00:05:07,970 --> 00:05:09,220
By the way, I can
get your sandwich
124
00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:10,510
at any Bennigan's.
125
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,350
Guys, we're all friends
here, all right?
126
00:05:14,060 --> 00:05:15,770
Okay, you know, tell you what,
let's take a survey.
127
00:05:15,810 --> 00:05:17,730
Spence, whose sandwich
do you think it is?
128
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,030
Please don't put me
in the middle.
129
00:05:24,070 --> 00:05:26,070
This is just like
when my dad left.
130
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:28,450
Whatever, okay?
131
00:05:28,490 --> 00:05:29,780
A real friend would make
this menu thing right,
132
00:05:29,820 --> 00:05:31,030
and I guess you're
not a real friend.
133
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:32,160
-You know, shame on you.
-DEACON: Why are you
134
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,370
being such a baby
about this?
135
00:05:33,410 --> 00:05:35,040
I'm not being a baby.
You're a baby
136
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:36,160
'cause babies are always
grabbing what's not theirs.
137
00:05:36,210 --> 00:05:37,420
That's classic baby!
138
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,380
So you guys
ready to order?
139
00:05:40,420 --> 00:05:43,380
Yeah, yeah,
I'll have a "me."
140
00:05:43,420 --> 00:05:45,760
-One Deacon.
-Make it two.
141
00:05:49,180 --> 00:05:50,390
Make it three.
142
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,770
Watch your back,
little man.
143
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:57,390
Three Deacons.
144
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:58,900
And for you?
145
00:05:58,940 --> 00:06:00,980
You know what?
146
00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:03,020
I seem to have
lost my appetite.
147
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,150
I'll just have a burger,
okay, with curly fries.
148
00:06:06,190 --> 00:06:07,820
Don't do the steak fries,
last time they--
149
00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:09,320
just bring the curly fries.
150
00:06:11,030 --> 00:06:14,290
Excuse me, did I just hear
you created the Deacon?
151
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:17,250
Yes.
Yes, I did.
152
00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:19,420
I just had one.
I loved it!
153
00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:20,920
Thanks, man.
154
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,880
Hate to impose,
but would you sign my menu?
155
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,920
Oh, sure.
156
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,970
-Could you make it out to Roger?
-DOUG: All right, all right.
157
00:06:29,010 --> 00:06:29,970
Thanks so much.
158
00:06:30,010 --> 00:06:32,260
"To Roger,
159
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:35,270
keep on dreamin'."
160
00:06:36,310 --> 00:06:38,480
That's original.
161
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,440
-"Deacon Palmer."
-DOUG: Yes...
162
00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:50,030
[SNIFFLING]
I talked with Carl.
163
00:06:50,070 --> 00:06:52,620
Oh, baby,
I'm sorry.
164
00:06:52,660 --> 00:06:54,080
It's better you find
out now, though.
165
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,330
We're engaged!
166
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,370
What?!
167
00:06:57,410 --> 00:06:58,870
Well, I did
what you said.
168
00:06:58,910 --> 00:07:00,170
I told him I needed to know
if he was serious,
169
00:07:00,210 --> 00:07:02,380
and, boom, right then
and there, he proposed.
170
00:07:02,420 --> 00:07:04,170
And look what
he bought me!
171
00:07:04,210 --> 00:07:05,840
Isn't it beautiful?
172
00:07:06,630 --> 00:07:08,840
Holly, Holly...
173
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,300
When do we learn?
174
00:07:12,590 --> 00:07:13,850
What's the matter?
175
00:07:13,890 --> 00:07:15,600
It was too easy!
176
00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:17,850
You say one word,
and the guy proposes,
177
00:07:17,890 --> 00:07:19,270
and he just
happens to have a big,
178
00:07:19,310 --> 00:07:21,020
diamond ring
to give you?
179
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:23,360
You don't think
it's real?
180
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,860
Baby, it's comically big.
181
00:07:27,980 --> 00:07:29,650
-But Carl said--
-Carl's gonna say
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00:07:29,690 --> 00:07:32,070
what you want to hear,
kitty kat.
183
00:07:32,110 --> 00:07:34,370
You want to know the truth
about your little ring,
184
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:36,200
you go to a professional.
185
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,330
It's flawless!
186
00:07:38,370 --> 00:07:39,500
Really?
187
00:07:39,540 --> 00:07:41,080
Really?
188
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,170
Simply stunning.
189
00:07:43,210 --> 00:07:45,340
Most diamonds have
a yellow tinge,
190
00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:49,010
small inclusions,
and tiny black spots.
191
00:07:52,090 --> 00:07:53,930
But this? Superb!
192
00:07:53,970 --> 00:07:55,050
And the cut,
193
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,390
see how it dances
in the light?
194
00:07:56,430 --> 00:07:58,350
Okay, settle down, you.
195
00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:00,520
Hesh!
Heshy, come look at this!
196
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,350
All right, well,
I guess we can go now.
197
00:08:02,390 --> 00:08:03,900
Heshy hasn't see it yet.
198
00:08:06,150 --> 00:08:07,940
I'm just saying can't
we call this "The Doug"?
199
00:08:07,980 --> 00:08:10,940
It already has a name.
It's a taco.
200
00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:13,910
No, it's taco topped with relish
and crumbled up saltines.
201
00:08:13,950 --> 00:08:14,910
Hmm?
202
00:08:14,950 --> 00:08:16,320
Come on, man,
I got customers.
203
00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:17,530
How about this, okay?
204
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,660
You change hot dog
into a "Hot Doug"?
205
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,200
You just grab
the "u" from soup.
206
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:22,660
No one's ordering that anyway,
I got to tell you.
207
00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:24,670
-Who's next?
-Okay. Do not ignore me, Manny!
208
00:08:24,710 --> 00:08:27,340
I built this roach coach,
and I can take her down.
209
00:08:27,380 --> 00:08:28,590
DEACON: Hey!
210
00:08:28,630 --> 00:08:29,960
Did you put me
on the sign-up sheet
211
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,340
to work Saturday?
212
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:33,340
Well, I know you like to put
your name on everything,
213
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,550
so I did you a favor.
214
00:08:34,590 --> 00:08:36,390
You know it's my kid's
tenth birthday.
215
00:08:36,430 --> 00:08:39,180
Good, then he's
old enough to know
his dad's a glory hound.
216
00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:41,060
-You're pathetic.
-Yeah, I'm pathetic.
217
00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:43,560
That's why Manny's naming
an egg salad sandwich after me.
218
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,400
Play ball with me,
damn it.
219
00:08:56,990 --> 00:08:58,580
So what you're
telling me, Peter,
220
00:08:58,620 --> 00:09:00,490
is that you'll walk me
for $1.00 less
221
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,620
than what
my previous walker charged,
222
00:09:02,660 --> 00:09:06,040
plus complimentary
sunscreen?
223
00:09:08,380 --> 00:09:11,000
-Hey, Arthur.
-Ooh, how awkward!
224
00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:13,630
I was just interviewing
225
00:09:13,670 --> 00:09:16,510
your potential replacement.
226
00:09:16,550 --> 00:09:18,470
Oh, great.
Great.
227
00:09:18,510 --> 00:09:19,760
I just stopped by to
invite you to my thing
228
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:21,010
I'm having tomorrow
night at Cooper's.
229
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:22,850
Oh, yes,
your elaborate ruse.
230
00:09:22,890 --> 00:09:25,140
I mean,
your going-away party.
231
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:26,940
-Yes, yes, I'll be there.
-Great.
232
00:09:26,980 --> 00:09:28,730
Now if you'll excuse me,
Peter wanted to hear
233
00:09:28,770 --> 00:09:31,940
all about my decades-long
pen-pal relationship
234
00:09:31,980 --> 00:09:34,490
with Mr. Neil Sedaka.
235
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,530
CARRIE:
Holly, is that you?
236
00:09:36,570 --> 00:09:38,030
-Yeah.
-CARRIE: I'm in here.
237
00:09:38,070 --> 00:09:39,740
I just Googled your boyfriend.
238
00:09:42,410 --> 00:09:43,790
-Can I leave now?
-Not yet!
239
00:09:43,830 --> 00:09:45,120
Okay.
240
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,580
See, I put in Carl's
social security number
241
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:49,710
and his whole life,
right here.
242
00:09:49,750 --> 00:09:51,380
How did you get
his social security number?
243
00:09:51,420 --> 00:09:53,630
Excuse me, who's on
trial here, him or me?
244
00:09:55,050 --> 00:09:57,510
So what did
you find out?
245
00:09:57,550 --> 00:10:01,010
Well, take
a little look-see.
246
00:10:01,050 --> 00:10:02,970
And it ain't pretty.
247
00:10:07,060 --> 00:10:08,560
All it says here is
that he's got a couple
248
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,650
of outstanding
parking tickets.
249
00:10:10,690 --> 00:10:12,480
Yeah, exactly, Holly.
250
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,530
The guy thinks
he can park his car
251
00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:16,700
anywhere he wants.
252
00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:18,700
What else is he parking
anywhere he wants?
253
00:10:18,740 --> 00:10:20,200
You know what
I'm saying?
254
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,030
Well, didn't you tell me
that Doug gets a lot of tickets?
255
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,160
Yes, but he's
just an idiot.
256
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:29,830
Okay, well, yeah,
thanks for checking.
257
00:10:29,870 --> 00:10:31,080
Again, just making sure
you don't get hurt.
258
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:34,050
-Yeah, again, thanks.
-Mm-hmm.
259
00:10:34,090 --> 00:10:35,800
Oh, do you know Carl's
mother's maiden name?
260
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,050
-No.
-All right, it's okay, baby.
261
00:10:37,090 --> 00:10:38,430
I'll get it.
262
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:51,150
Let me ask you
a question.
263
00:10:51,190 --> 00:10:52,770
You work
for a lawyer, right?
264
00:10:52,810 --> 00:10:54,070
I used to work
for a lawyer,
265
00:10:54,110 --> 00:10:55,440
but for the last
year and a half,
266
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:56,990
I've worked
for a real estate firm.
267
00:10:57,030 --> 00:10:58,820
Close enough.
268
00:10:58,860 --> 00:11:01,610
I want to file a lawsuit
or an injunction.
269
00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:04,080
I'll let you handle
the mumbo-jumbo.
270
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:06,160
The point is,
I want Deacon behind bars.
271
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,000
What are you
talking about?
272
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,080
I invented a sandwich, and
he's taking credit for it.
273
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,500
And where I come from,
that ain't right!
274
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:16,210
You know what else
ain't right?
275
00:11:16,250 --> 00:11:18,130
-DOUG: What?
-This crappy ass ring
276
00:11:18,170 --> 00:11:19,720
you got me.
277
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,180
What?
278
00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:23,090
Yeah, that's right.
279
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:25,760
Is it flawless?
Does it dance in the light?
280
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,640
Does it?!
Does it?!
281
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:28,850
A little.
282
00:11:28,890 --> 00:11:30,020
You move it around
kind of quick there.
283
00:11:30,060 --> 00:11:31,940
It's fine.
What's your problem?
284
00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:34,520
I don't know.
Holly met this great guy
285
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,650
who bought her
this big diamond ring,
286
00:11:36,690 --> 00:11:38,610
and now they're moving
to some fancy apartment
287
00:11:38,650 --> 00:11:40,570
in Manhattan
that overlooks the park,
288
00:11:40,610 --> 00:11:42,570
and, I don't know, it's--
289
00:11:42,610 --> 00:11:44,620
it's everything
I always wanted.
290
00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:46,620
You're mad at me 'cause
I can't give it to you.
291
00:11:46,660 --> 00:11:48,750
No, I made peace with...
292
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,500
All right, cool.
293
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,840
I guess I'm upset
'cause it's like
294
00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:58,960
I mean, who is she
295
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:00,840
to be living my dream,
you know?
296
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,720
Exactly. And who's Deacon
to be living my dream?
297
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,220
It's the same thing!
298
00:12:04,260 --> 00:12:06,640
Excuse me, uh,
my dream
299
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:08,560
is to have
a decent quality of life.
300
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,520
Your dream is
to be a sandwich.
301
00:12:12,350 --> 00:12:13,810
Yeah.
302
00:12:13,850 --> 00:12:15,690
Doug, the point--
you know what,
303
00:12:15,730 --> 00:12:17,770
I don't even have the energy
to argue with you.
304
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,900
Just tell me what you want
to wear to Holly's party.
305
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:21,110
I'll make sure
it's clean.
306
00:12:21,150 --> 00:12:22,200
Oh, I'm not going
to any party
307
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,660
where that man
is going to be.
308
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,660
Doug, look,
let's just agree
309
00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:29,080
we both got a raw deal here,
all right?
310
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,000
But Deacon and Holly,
they're our friends.
311
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:34,170
We need to go to the party
and be happy for them, okay?
312
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,220
Look at 'em.
"Oh, we're so in love."
313
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,050
I need a bucket.
314
00:12:47,890 --> 00:12:49,180
I thought you wanted to be
happy for our friends.
315
00:12:49,220 --> 00:12:50,180
Oh, right.
316
00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:52,680
Like you're happy
for Deacon?
317
00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:54,020
The man stole the one
thing in your life
318
00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:55,900
you had going for you.
319
00:12:58,020 --> 00:13:00,030
Oh, hey, Carrie.
Great party, huh?
320
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:01,230
Yep.
321
00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:04,700
You know,
I never told you this,
322
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:06,320
but I always kind of
had a thing for Holly.
323
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,580
I mean, I'm glad
she met Carl.
324
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:10,040
He seems like
a really great guy and--
325
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,910
Oh, grow some nuggets,
will ya?
326
00:13:13,370 --> 00:13:14,710
What?
327
00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:16,830
How many times did
the girl stumble
328
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,210
to your doorstep,
blind drunk,
329
00:13:18,250 --> 00:13:20,050
after walking that ugly,
little dog of yours,
330
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:22,710
and you still couldn't
close the deal?
331
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,090
You make me sick.
332
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,970
[CLAPS]
Dinner is served, y'all.
333
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:35,060
What is that?
334
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:36,350
A 6-foot Deacon.
You want a piece?
335
00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:38,230
Oh, no, thank you.
336
00:13:38,270 --> 00:13:39,810
Maybe if it had like
brown gravy on it
337
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:41,320
instead of horseradish.
338
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,360
Wouldn't that make it
kind of soggy?
339
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,820
You're soggy.
340
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:46,990
What?
341
00:13:47,030 --> 00:13:48,280
Walk away.
342
00:13:50,950 --> 00:13:52,080
Very impressive.
343
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,120
Thanks.
344
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:54,830
Just one note.
345
00:13:54,870 --> 00:13:57,210
Next time you might want to get
a more convincing actor
346
00:13:57,250 --> 00:13:59,830
to play the part
of your fiancé.
347
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:03,340
This guy belongs on a bagel
because he's a lox.
348
00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:05,800
So, I bet
the limousine business
349
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:07,760
has been very good
to you, huh?
350
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,850
Well, it's a lot of work,
but I love it.
351
00:14:10,890 --> 00:14:12,640
I bet you do.
[CHUCKLES]
352
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:14,970
What do you mean?
353
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:18,310
Come on, it's me.
It's late at night,
354
00:14:18,350 --> 00:14:20,980
you're driving some coked-up
super model to the airport,
355
00:14:21,020 --> 00:14:23,150
and all of a sudden she's
in the front seat with you.
356
00:14:23,190 --> 00:14:26,650
"Oh, you own the company?
That's so hot."
357
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,820
Um, Carrie?
358
00:14:28,860 --> 00:14:30,320
Can I talk to you
in private for a second?
359
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,330
Yeah, no problem.
Be right back.
360
00:14:32,370 --> 00:14:33,950
[CHOKING]
361
00:14:37,830 --> 00:14:39,210
Ohh!
362
00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:42,090
[CHOKING]
363
00:14:42,130 --> 00:14:43,960
Hey, you okay?
364
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,720
I tell ya, this Deacon,
365
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,130
or whatever you call it,
366
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:51,300
it's so dry,
I can't even swallow it.
367
00:14:51,340 --> 00:14:54,680
[CHOKING]
368
00:14:55,810 --> 00:14:58,270
I need something
to make it more moist,
369
00:14:58,310 --> 00:14:59,770
yet not soggy.
370
00:15:00,770 --> 00:15:02,020
How about some water?
371
00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:04,730
No, that's not gonna
do anything for me.
372
00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:06,940
I need something smooth
like gravy
373
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,190
or something like--
374
00:15:11,110 --> 00:15:12,200
Oh, yeah.
375
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:16,040
Now that's a sandwich.
376
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,250
You know what,
377
00:15:17,290 --> 00:15:18,460
I've had enough
of your crap.
378
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:19,710
Well, I've had
enough of yours.
379
00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:20,870
You wanna go?
380
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,380
-I would love to go!
-Then let's go!
381
00:15:22,420 --> 00:15:24,750
I'm going!
Come on!
382
00:15:26,250 --> 00:15:27,800
Yeah, I just really
want to know
383
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,920
why you were
groping my fiancé?
384
00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:32,340
Uh, I was testing him.
385
00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:33,930
And keep up
with the attitude,
386
00:15:33,970 --> 00:15:35,390
I'm gonna stop
helping you.
387
00:15:35,430 --> 00:15:37,470
Helping me?
You're trying to ruin it.
388
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,850
Ruin it? Why would
I want to ruin it?
389
00:15:39,890 --> 00:15:41,390
I don't know.
Maybe 'cause you're mad,
390
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,020
because, you know,
I found a really great guy.
391
00:15:44,060 --> 00:15:46,730
Excuse me, I have
a really great guy, too.
392
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:50,900
[IMITATING
A CLUCKING CHICKEN]
393
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,290
[SIGHS]
394
00:15:59,580 --> 00:16:01,210
Look, did you
ever have a friend
395
00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:02,920
whose life sucked so bad
396
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,210
that it made you feel
better about your own?
397
00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:07,090
What? No.
398
00:16:07,130 --> 00:16:09,300
Well, I did,
and it was you.
399
00:16:11,510 --> 00:16:13,430
Oh!
400
00:16:13,470 --> 00:16:16,050
Oh, I'm so sorry things
worked out for me.
401
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,060
-CARRIE: It's okay.
-Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
402
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,020
-Thank you for understanding.
-Yeah.
403
00:16:20,060 --> 00:16:22,190
-You're welcome. You're welcome.
-Thank you.
404
00:16:22,230 --> 00:16:23,980
The car's here.
We should skedaddle.
405
00:16:24,020 --> 00:16:25,770
Okay, I'll be there
in a second, honey.
406
00:16:27,190 --> 00:16:29,820
"Skedaddle"?
[CHUCKLES]
407
00:16:29,860 --> 00:16:31,990
I got to tell you,
my gaydar just went
408
00:16:32,030 --> 00:16:34,110
boop, boop, boop.
409
00:16:38,410 --> 00:16:39,580
Good luck, sweetie.
410
00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:40,950
Thanks.
411
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:49,840
[SIGHS]
Another gin and tonic.
412
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:55,390
So your life must be
pretty crappy, huh?
413
00:17:02,350 --> 00:17:04,390
ARTHUR:
All right, you win.
414
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,060
I'll convince Douglas
and Carrie to give you
415
00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:07,360
-$1.00 more an hour.
-Arthur--
416
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:08,520
Of course,
I'll expect you to kick
417
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:09,980
a quarter
of that back to me.
418
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:11,280
Would you stop it?
Why can't you get this
419
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,280
through your crazy head?
420
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,030
I'm leaving.
421
00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:16,950
-Really?
-Yes.
422
00:17:16,990 --> 00:17:18,990
And this is
how I find out?
423
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:21,830
Sorry.
424
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,580
You were the best dog walker
a man could ever ask for.
425
00:17:26,620 --> 00:17:29,380
Thank you, Arthur.
And of all my clients,
426
00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:31,590
you were definitely
the most interesting
427
00:17:31,630 --> 00:17:34,510
and the least distracted
by squirrels.
428
00:17:34,550 --> 00:17:37,260
You're a terrible liar,
429
00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:38,850
but a marvelous person.
430
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:43,480
You know,
Carl's still inside.
431
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,060
I have time
for one more walk.
432
00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:46,140
On the house.
433
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,400
I'd like that.
434
00:17:50,190 --> 00:17:52,320
What say I treat you
to a lemon ice at Luigi's?
435
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:53,440
That'd be great.
436
00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:54,990
By the way,
did I ever tell you
437
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:57,110
how I inspired
Neil Sedaka's pop classic,
438
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,120
Happy Birthday,Sweet Sixteen?
439
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,950
Yes, but I would love
to hear it again.
440
00:18:00,990 --> 00:18:02,660
DOUG: Come on!
Come on!
441
00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:06,120
DEACON: Come on, gravy
boat! Whatcha got, huh?
442
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:07,580
Guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys!
443
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:09,130
Guys, I talked to Paddy,
444
00:18:09,170 --> 00:18:11,000
and he agreed
on a compromise, okay?
445
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:12,670
He said he would
put back the ham
446
00:18:12,710 --> 00:18:14,960
and he would use
horseradish and gravy,
447
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:17,680
and he would call it
"The Deacon/Doug."
448
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,300
I don't know, man.
449
00:18:19,340 --> 00:18:21,010
Why is his name first?
Why is his name first?
450
00:18:21,050 --> 00:18:23,310
Okay, we'll call it
"The Double D"
451
00:18:23,350 --> 00:18:25,180
and everybody's happy.
452
00:18:39,740 --> 00:18:41,740
Thank you.
453
00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:43,540
ARTHUR [READING]:
"So I lost Holly,
454
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:46,750
"and Peter's mother hasforbidden me from contact.
455
00:18:46,790 --> 00:18:49,960
"On the plus side,the Fiber 4,000 continues
456
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:54,050
"to do a sterling jobon my nether regions.
457
00:18:54,090 --> 00:18:55,710
Thanks for the tip."
458
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,970
Oh, Arthur,
you keep me young.
459
00:19:00,550 --> 00:19:02,970
[**]
32541
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