All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2005) - S08E02 - Vocal Discord_track3_[eng]

[**]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr. Dugan.

Yeah, I have it
on my computer.

I'll go pull it up.

Hold on one second.

Uh, honey?
This is my boss.

Could you
finish folding

the laundry for me?
Thanks.

Oh, my God.

CARRIE: Okay, sure.
No problem, Mr. Dugan.

Okay, all right.

I'll see you Monday.

Okay, bye-bye.

You done already?

Yeah,
it's what I do.

* My eyes
are gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

* But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby,
all my life*

* I will be drivin' home
to you*

[**]

Memo to all
Dugan Group employees:

as of the first
of November,

all leases must be filed
under the tenants--

Darling, I got big news.

Dad, you can't talk
while I'm working.

And yet another one
of my basic human rights

bites the dust.

You just can't talk
while I'm doing this.

Okay, it's this
new software I got.

It types everything
that you say. Here.

Say something.

Testing. 1, 2, 3.

It wrote it.

It wrote,
"It wrote it."

Yes, it did.

It wrote,
"Yes, it did."

Okay, easy now.

One more.

Bosoms.

Okay. End program.
Off.

All right, Dad. It says
up here on my work memo

that you have
some big news.

Yes, we're putting on
a theater night

at the senior center,

and I was able
to pull some strings

and get you and Douglas
some seats right up front.

Hmm.

You know,
you never went

to any of my plays
when I was a kid.

Well, darling,
I was a little busy

supporting you.

And now I'm a little
busy supporting you.

So, what's
the difference?

The difference is
I have talent,

and shame on you
for making me say it.

Program on.

-All employees--
-DOUG: Hey, Tony threw in

6 free garlic knots.

I ate 5 in the car.

I am starving.

Wanna get
the plates?

Plates? No, you eat
right out of the tin.

It's better.

You know, and then
in the home stretch,

you fold it into a funnel,
and you drink the sauce.

It's good.

Is this
all the bags?

Yeah,
what's the matter?

Um, my dinner's
not in here.

-What?
-CARRIE: Yeah.

Look, no eggplant parm.
No salad.

You're kidding me.

That blows.

Yeah, I have
no dinner,

and that does blow,
so...

You want
the last garlic knot?

No. I want you
to get my food.

-Fine.
-Oh, I'm sorry, Doug.

Forgive me
for having to eat.

I just said I would go.

No, I know, but this
is so typical of you.

-What?
-You don't give a crap

about anybody
but yourself.

Oh, please.
What about last week?

You forgot my cheesecake
from the Cheesecake Factory.

Okay? So why don't you
take a little bus ride

back to shuttytown?

I would, but you
probably ate my ticket.

Ah, that's-- that's funny,
'cause I eat everything.

Well, you know what, right now,
I'm eating my dinner.

Yeah, mmm,
and it's so good.

Mmm. It's very good.

-Oh, yeah?
-I love it.

How's it now,
Chunky?

Hey, hey!

Piney-fresh, mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Aah!

You can't stop me.

Hey, I want to talk
to you about last night.

Please, not
the Fruit Loops.

No.

I'm not mad anymore.

Look at this.

Oh, what is this?

Well,
my computer was on,

and that new program

transcribed
our entire fight,

all 2 hours of it.

-Really?
-Yeah.

When did I say,
"bosoms"?

No, no, no.

The fight starts here,
and I gotta tell ya,

there's some pretty
rough stuff here.

Hmm. Where?

Ah, okay, like--
like here,

where I said, "Didn't you notice
the bag was too light?"

and you said,
"You have no friends."

Yeah,
but then you said,

"At least I'm not
a massive failure,"

so you really
answered the bell.

Doug, come on,
this isn't funny.
I mean, look.

Here's where we threaten to
run each over with our cars.

And now we're having
Fruit Loops together.

It's a storybook ending.
Come here, baby.

No, Doug! Come on!

Come on. You're making
a big deal out of nothing.

It was one bad fight.

No, actually,
it's--

It's like this
all the time now.

I tell you what, leave the
computer on. Let it record us.

You'll see that this fight--
it was a fluke.

No, Doug, if
the computer's on,

then we'll be on
our best behavior.

Carrie is an ass!

Oh, yeah? Well, you can
say whatever you want,

because you are still
an inconsiderate--

Yeah,
but you're an ass!

-...selfish...
-you're an ass! Ass, ass, ass!

-Carrie's an ass!
-Stupid, stupid!

Okay, all that's missing
is gunfire.

I gotta tell ya,
I'm a little worried

about where we're headed,
and if we don't do something

about this, I mean,
maybe we can use

some professional
help.

You mean--
you mean like therapy?

Yeah. We are talking
about saving our marriage here.

I know, it's just--

I don't want to throw money
down a rat hole.

Hey, you know our
new neighbor Glenn

who just moved
across the street?

He's a marriage
counselor.

I'm going to take marriage
advice from a guy

who jogs in jeans.

No, that's
not Glenn.

I don't get it, man.
I walk up a flight
of stairs in jeans,

-my legs are
all raw, it's crazy.
-OK, let's focus, let's focus.

Okay?

What do we do,
we ask this guy for help?

I mean, what, we got
to pay him then, and...?

No, no.
We'll just invite him over

for like, you know, "Welcome
to the neighborhood" type thing,

and then we just pick
his brain a little bit.

Okay.

Yeah?

-Thank you, honey.
-All right.

What do you want
to do for dinner?

Uh, do you want
to get take out?

Mmm, that's a powder keg.

We'll be doing
a scene from The Gin Game,

and whoever wins
the part of Fonsia

should be prepared
for the most physically

and emotionally grueling
8 days of your life.

Now, Minna, how married
are you to the oxygen tank?

Well, I really
need it to breathe.

Looks like
we have ourselves a diva.

Arthur, we've
been standing

for an awfully long
time.

Is it possible that
we could take a seat

for a moment?

Oh, you know
where they have seats?

At the unemployment office.

Hit the bricks!

Arthur, you know
I played Fonsia

at the Fresh Meadows
Community Playhouse.

[SARCASTIC]
Oh, Fresh Meadows.

[NORMAL]
I don't have time to break you
of your bad habits!

Get out!

Now, you do understand,
there may be some tasteful,

but full-frontal nudity.

That's my Fonsia.

[**]

So, when we saw your
garbage cans knocked over,

we just knew we had
to do something.

DOUG: Yeah, so I just
rushed over there

and started cleaning up
the trash, and what pops out

of one of the cans?
A raccoon.

And this one,
terrified of raccoons.

You know, it's the people hands,
they freak me out.

They really do.

Well, I'm new on the block,
and I really appreciate

you looking out for me.

Oh, that's what
neighbors are for,

to help each other out.
For free.

Besides, we were
up anyway having one

of our vicious
marital fights.

Oh, yeah. We've been known to
lace up the hiney-kicking boots.

Heh heh.

Oh, you know I happen
to be a marriage

and family therapist.

Shut up.

No, really.
It's true.

Look, I don't know
what you are,

but you certainly do fill out
a pair of jogging jeans.

It's not him.

GLENN: But, listen,
if you ever need

a little
informal advice,

I'd be happy to
help you out--

That'd be great.
You can just read over this.

CARRIE: Yeah, when you're
done with that,

there's more over there.
We're gonna put some coffee on.

Pretty bad, huh?

Uh-huh.

But you've
seen worse, right?

Not much worse, no.

Look, look, look.
The thing is,

we don't want to be
like this anymore.

Can you help us?

What you have
to understand is,

fighting is a part
of any relationship,

but you must do it
in a healthy way.

Now, I'm gonna give
you some strategies

so you can contain
the conflict,

erect
some firewalls--

Heh. Erect.

You're right.
He's a--

Okay, shut up,
idiot.

-You shut up.
-This is good.

Let's--let's
work with this.

Doug, how did it
make you feel

when Carrie just
called you an idiot?

-Mad.
-GLENN: Oh...

And sad.

We call words
like that "escalators,"

because they take the
conflict to another level.

Oh, like going
on an escalator.

Very good, Doug.
Very good.

Yeah.

Left unchecked,
these words can turn

a simple disagreement

into a hurtful, even
a violent encounter,

like you two had
about the ketchup

last Wednesday
and this morning.

She knows I don't
like the upside-down top.

-Okay.
-CARRIE: Upside-down jelly

you have
no problem with,

but ketchup,
you go ballistic.

Okay, 'cause the water
collects at the top,

and the fact that
you don't know that

just shows
how stupid you are.

[**]

I had a little money,
but with the hospital bills

and trying
to look after myself,

plus I still had that
little house on Ash Street--

Stop! Stop! Stop!
This isn't working.

Oh...
What's wrong?

Your performance.
It's all surface.

I don't believe
a word of it.

Yeah, well, I'm trying.

I--I--I just don't know
what you want from me.

I want truth!

Fonsia's in pain, and
you've got to show that.

-But how?
-We need a sense memory.

Okay.

Tell me your most
painful childhood experience.

I'd rather not.

If you're not willing
to do the work,

I'll play both parts
in a gender-bending

Tour de force!

All right,
all right. Um...

It was
my fifth birthday,

and my mother said
she was having

a party for me.

So I brought all
my friends home from school,

but when we walked
in the door,

there was Mother,

stinking drunk and
passed out on the couch.

There was no party,
no cake,

oh, I wanted to die!

And I never, never
celebrated my birthday again.

[CRYING]

What else you got?

[**]

-Hey.
-Hey.

Did you make
your list?

What list?

Of escalator words.

Gotcha!
Got it right here.

All right,
let me get mine.

-Okay.
-All right.

Let's save us
a marriage.

Yeah.

Hey, where's Glenn
to see that? [LAUGHS]

Okay, you mind
if I start?

-Fire away.
-All right.

Now, I know it's the
heat-of-the-moment thing

and you really
don't mean it,

but I'm going to have
to get the ball

rolling with...

slut.

What? I've never
called you slut.

Oh, no?
Okay. Here you go.

I highlighted them
for you.

Here, here, here,
here, and here.

Actually, that one's
supposed to be skank,

but you know what?
They're both gone.

Okay, good.
All right.

All right.

What do you got?

Okay, here's
my first word.

Fat.

-Fat.
-In all its forms.

Fatty, fat guy,

Fat Sajak.

Wow.
[CLEARS THROAT]

What's the matter?

Nothing. It's just
that you're really

chopping me off
at the knees here.

You know, keep fat,
that's fine,

'cause I can slip a slut
right back in a holster.

All right, all right,
fine, fine. It's gone.

It's gone.

Okay, what else
you got?

All right. Dumb-ass,
dumb-as-ass, Grandma.

Package donkey, elasto
pants, beaver teeth.

She-beast, Dracula,
Hitler Junior.

Blob, the Blob,
Blob Barker,

Blobba the Hut,
and rub-a-dub-chub.

Why don't we
just exchange lists?

-Oh, okay.
-Okay?

I feel really good
about this.

-Me, too.
-Yeah.

Oh, wow, I
gotta get going.

What?
Where're you going?

I told the guys
I'd watch the Met game

with them
down at Cooper's.

I already
started dinner.

I left you a message
on your cell phone.

And you know I never
check my cell phone messages.

Well, whose fault
is that?

Doug, again.
Already started dinner.

Whoa, are we about
to have a fight here?

Yes, I think so.

Okay, now what did
Glenn say if we're--

If we're gonna
have a disagreement,

we're supposed to write
it down on an index card

and then pin it
to the board.

That's right,
and then in 24 hours,

if it's still a problem,
we revisit the issue

from a less emotionally
charged place.

There you go.
I got the cards.

-I'm gonna get the pin.
-DOUG: Okay.

Blowing...
off...dinner.

There we go.

Gimme the pin.

-Perfect.
-Okay.

There we go.

All right.
Good for us, huh?

-Yeah.
-All right.

I'll see ya.

No, Betty,
it's not you.

We need a new play.
The Gin Game

is just not clicking.

I was thinking we try
The Elephant Man.

How do you feel
about working with

a sack over your head?

See, I don't know
what she's so upset about.

As far as
I'm concerned,

your system's
working great.

Yeah, it's working
great for you

because you're doing
all the bad stuff,

you idiot.

Carrie.
[IMITATES ESCALATOR]

Well, I'm sorry, but
it's only been a week

and look
at all of these!

Uh, broke
Carrie's iPod,

drunk at Carrie's
office party,

left Arthur
in bathtub.

This one just says
"fire."

I don't even
know what that means!

Hey, if she's still
mad about something,

it's her job to bring it up
the next day, not mine.

Yes, but by then, he's done
5 more stupid things.

I can't keep up.

Oh, you've done plenty
of stuff yourself.

Let's see what
you've got here.

Uh, oh,
here we go.

Here's one right
here, huh?

"Bought wrong frosting."

-Guilty!
-Yeah.

I got a grown woman
on my hands

who doesn't know
the difference

between chocolate
and chocolate fudge!

Well, if you
hated it so much,

why don't you
explain to Glenn

how you cut your
tongue on the can?!

Guys, guys!

She's not
following the rules.

Oh, stop
sucking up to him,

you fudge-eating
moron.

Ooh.
[IMITATES ESCALATOR]

Escalator words.
Those are escalator words.

Is that an
escalator word?

Oh, really, oh,
I'm sorry, Fat Sajak.

You fat, beaver-toothed,
package donkey!

Oh, yeah, well, I got 2
words for you:

bo and tox!
[LAUGHS]

Two.

-Hello.
-Hi.

Could you give this transcript
back to Doug and Carrie?

I don't want it
in my house anymore.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[**]

Oh, who's there?

Othello.

Aye, Desdemona.

Oh, will you come
to my bed, My Lord?

Have you prayed
tonight, Desdemona?

Aye, My Lord.

It is too late.

Oh.

Oh, great. We're late.
It's already started.

I told you to take
Queens Boulevard.

I'm a driver, remember?

Yes. I'm reminded every time
I see your paycheck.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

A little help.

Oh...

She's all right.

[APPLAUSE]

Okay, next up,

we have Arthur Spooner
and Betty Jorowitz

doing a scene entitled
The Lovers...

Question Mark?

Tony threw in
6 free garlic knots.

I ate 5 in the car.

Is that all the bags?

Yeah. What's the matter?

-Well, my dinner's
not here.
-What?!

See? No eggplant parm,
no salad.

Are you kidding me?
That blows!

Yeah.

Did we
see this play?

No, stupid, it's
not a play. It's us.

He must have
the transcripts.

You know, it'd be nice
if you gave a crap

about someone
besides yourself

just once!

Oh, please!
How about last week?

You forgot my cheesecake
from the Cheesecake Factory!

How about you take a little bus
ride back to shuttytown?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

Okay, he's going right from here
to the nursing home.

Done.

And we're not even gonna
take him

to the Dairy Queen
like we promised.

Hey, don't punish me.

Well, how does it
taste now, chunky?

Piney-fresh, just like
Christmas dinner!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I can't believe
you sprayed my food.

I can't believe
you ate it.

You liked it?
Well, try this.

-[SPRAYING]
-Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

-Hey, hey, hey, hey!
-Oh, yeah! There!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Look, I'm sorry about
everything, all right?

Me, too.

ARTHUR: Oh, yeah?

I wish I had a shovel
right now

so I could
dig your grave!

Hey,
why don't you use

the one you
eat ice cream with?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, that's clever.

Here's a thought...

Puhhht!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We have nothing to fear
but fear itself.

Hmph.

It was the best of times,

it was the worst of times.

Bosoms.

Hah!

[**]