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1
00:00:03,370 --> 00:00:06,750
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:08,840
Hey, perfect timing.
3
00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:09,960
I'm just about
to plug 'er in.
4
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,720
Oh, okay, good.
Fire 'er up.
5
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:14,050
And let there be light.
6
00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:20,850
Wow, that's...
festive.
7
00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:22,680
DOUG: Ah ah ah-ah-ah!
8
00:00:23,850 --> 00:00:25,850
Eh?
9
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:28,230
All right...
79 more to go.
10
00:00:30,820 --> 00:00:32,610
I see
my timing is perfect.
11
00:00:32,650 --> 00:00:34,610
I spent the day
at the senior center
12
00:00:34,650 --> 00:00:38,070
crafting a one-of-a-kind
ornament for our tree.
13
00:00:41,870 --> 00:00:43,790
Okay, what is this?
14
00:00:43,830 --> 00:00:45,330
It started out
as a coffee mug.
15
00:00:45,370 --> 00:00:47,880
It became a reindeer.
16
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:49,170
Hang it up, please.
17
00:00:49,210 --> 00:00:50,550
No. It doesn't
look like a reindeer.
18
00:00:50,590 --> 00:00:53,550
It looks like something
a reindeer left behind.
19
00:00:53,590 --> 00:00:56,300
Don't push me
during the holidays!
20
00:00:56,340 --> 00:00:57,510
Doug, just do
what he says.
21
00:00:57,550 --> 00:00:59,050
DOUG: Carrie,
this thing's a brick.
22
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:01,060
It'll drag
the whole tree down.
23
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:03,390
Hang it up, or
I'll bust this angel
24
00:01:03,430 --> 00:01:05,230
wide open!
25
00:01:05,270 --> 00:01:06,440
Hey, put that down.
It's fragile.
26
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:07,900
ARTHUR: So help me,
I'll do it.
27
00:01:07,940 --> 00:01:09,020
You do, and Vixen here
28
00:01:09,060 --> 00:01:10,270
is coming
right at your head!
29
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,480
-You what?
-Yeah? Try me!
30
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:12,860
CARRIE: All right,
the both of you,
31
00:01:12,900 --> 00:01:15,450
stop it! Stop it!
32
00:01:16,950 --> 00:01:19,620
Where is
your Christmas spirit?
33
00:01:24,580 --> 00:01:27,960
Now, dad, I will find
a prime place for this
34
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,750
on the tree, okay?
35
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,670
Now, hand over
the angel...
36
00:01:31,710 --> 00:01:33,250
nice and slow.
37
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,260
This isn't over.
38
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:45,890
SINGER: * My eyesare gettin' weary*
39
00:01:45,930 --> 00:01:48,440
* My back is gettin' tight*
40
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,270
* I'm sittin' herein traffic*
41
00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:53,270
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
42
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:58,660
* But I don't care,'cause all I want to do*
43
00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:03,410
* Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
44
00:02:04,370 --> 00:02:06,250
* 'Cause, baby,all my life*
45
00:02:06,290 --> 00:02:09,500
* I will be drivin' hometo you*
46
00:02:15,380 --> 00:02:17,970
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
47
00:02:19,380 --> 00:02:21,970
So what's the deal?
Can we go home yet or what?
48
00:02:22,010 --> 00:02:24,260
No, honey, we have
to finish our gift list.
49
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,270
We don't need a list.
I can get all the shopping
50
00:02:26,310 --> 00:02:27,680
done in an hour.
51
00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:30,350
Honey, I saved very carefully
this year
52
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,860
so everyone
would get a nice gift.
53
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:33,520
Last year, you did
all your Christmas shopping
54
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:36,740
at a gas station mini-mart.
55
00:02:36,780 --> 00:02:40,530
Everyone got The BestOf Eddie Rabbitt.
56
00:02:40,570 --> 00:02:42,240
-Not everyone.
-Oh, yeah, that's right.
57
00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:46,120
Your mother did get a bottle
of herbal trucker speed.
58
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:49,580
Hey, she painted our
garage in under an hour.
59
00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:53,880
Okay, look, I need you to finish
paying for this stuff,
60
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,300
and then I need you
to go next door
61
00:02:55,340 --> 00:02:57,260
to buy these
at Leather World.
62
00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:58,880
Leather World--kinky.
63
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:00,260
Yeah.
64
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:01,680
Winter gloves--
real kinky.
65
00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:03,180
Winter sex gloves.
66
00:03:03,220 --> 00:03:05,890
All right, I'll meet you
back here in a half hour, okay?
67
00:03:05,930 --> 00:03:07,770
-All right.
-All right.
68
00:03:08,930 --> 00:03:10,020
Excuse me?
69
00:03:10,060 --> 00:03:11,020
Oh, yes?
70
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,770
Sorry to bother
you, but, uh...
71
00:03:12,810 --> 00:03:15,900
I can't decide which one
of these sweaters to buy.
72
00:03:15,940 --> 00:03:19,110
Oh, okay, well,
first off, who's it for?
73
00:03:19,150 --> 00:03:21,820
My sister,
and she's very picky.
74
00:03:21,860 --> 00:03:25,120
Okay, well...
you know what?
75
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:28,080
I would go with the black one
because she can wear it to work,
76
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,290
and then she can wear it
for goin' out at night.
77
00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:32,370
You know,
78
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:33,920
I almost went
with the brown one
79
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,090
because
when you held it up,
80
00:03:35,130 --> 00:03:37,630
it really
brought out your eyes.
81
00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:43,300
Oh...that's so sweet.
Thank you.
82
00:03:43,340 --> 00:03:45,430
And you're
very beautiful.
83
00:03:45,470 --> 00:03:46,510
Ahem.
84
00:03:46,550 --> 00:03:48,350
Hey, babe...
85
00:03:48,390 --> 00:03:50,270
what's up?
86
00:03:51,310 --> 00:03:52,560
Hi.
87
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,940
Yeah, just shoppin' with
my 3 favorite people:
88
00:03:54,980 --> 00:03:58,020
my wife, my love,
and my lady.
89
00:03:58,070 --> 00:03:59,860
-Okay.
-DOUG: Yeah? How about you?
90
00:03:59,900 --> 00:04:01,400
You got everything
you need?
91
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,360
Uh, yes,
looks like I do.
92
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,410
DOUG: hmm.
93
00:04:04,450 --> 00:04:06,660
Well...thanks again.
94
00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:07,780
Oh, you're welcome.
95
00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:09,330
Happy holidays.
96
00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:13,790
What is the matter
with you?
97
00:04:13,830 --> 00:04:15,210
What? He was
hittin' on you.
98
00:04:15,250 --> 00:04:17,290
Okay, Doug, you don't have
to be so rude to him.
99
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:19,960
Hey, a guy hits on my woman,
I'm gonna throw down.
100
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:22,130
Really? How come you didn't
do anything to that bank teller
101
00:04:22,170 --> 00:04:24,130
when he asked me out
to dinner last week?
102
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:26,260
'Cause he was
almost my height.
103
00:05:34,870 --> 00:05:36,160
-May I help you?
-Oh.
104
00:05:36,210 --> 00:05:39,000
Yeah, I don't think
this is the right size.
105
00:05:39,750 --> 00:05:40,920
You know,
I am looking at you,
106
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,130
and I am thinking,
107
00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:46,680
a Giuseppe Gimali
3/4-length leather duster.
108
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:49,680
Didn't understand a word
you just said.
109
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,430
Shall I ring up
those gloves?
110
00:05:51,470 --> 00:05:52,560
Oh, yeah, sure.
111
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,720
Okay. Will that
be cash or charge?
112
00:05:54,770 --> 00:05:56,350
Charge.
113
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:04,280
You lost
your wallet?
114
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:05,320
It looks that way.
115
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:06,490
Are you sure?
116
00:06:06,530 --> 00:06:08,610
I won't be positive
until I shower tonight,
117
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:09,780
but I think it's gone.
118
00:06:09,820 --> 00:06:10,990
All right, well,
the leather store
119
00:06:11,030 --> 00:06:12,030
was only 20 feet away.
120
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,410
So it's
gotta be somewhere
121
00:06:13,450 --> 00:06:14,660
between here and there.
122
00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:17,410
Actually, I may
have made a couple stops
123
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,370
before the leather store.
124
00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:22,170
Okay, so where
did you go first?
125
00:06:22,210 --> 00:06:24,250
Well, first
I went right here
126
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:25,800
to Paws and Claws.
127
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:26,880
Paws and Claws?
128
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,090
Yeah, the pet store.
129
00:06:28,130 --> 00:06:30,470
Why? What did you do
in the pet store?
130
00:06:30,510 --> 00:06:32,260
Held a puppy.
131
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:33,930
And then you went
to Leather World?
132
00:06:33,970 --> 00:06:35,720
No, then I went
to Barnes & Noble
133
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:36,850
to look up dog names
134
00:06:36,890 --> 00:06:38,100
in case you
let me get a puppy.
135
00:06:38,140 --> 00:06:40,440
I like Hondo.
What do you think?
136
00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:44,610
Anyway, uh...
137
00:06:44,650 --> 00:06:45,940
Then I went to the second
level here
138
00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:47,360
where I tried
on some sunglasses,
139
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,450
sat in a massage chair
and watched a little bit
140
00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:50,700
of the teen
fashion show.
141
00:06:50,740 --> 00:06:52,030
It's pretty cool,
'cause I could see it
142
00:06:52,070 --> 00:06:54,240
from the massage chair.
143
00:06:55,950 --> 00:06:57,290
Then I went over here
144
00:06:57,330 --> 00:06:59,620
to Lady Foot Locker.
145
00:06:59,660 --> 00:07:00,790
Why?
146
00:07:00,830 --> 00:07:02,790
I saw Céline Dion in there.
147
00:07:02,830 --> 00:07:05,420
Oh, okay, Céline Dion shops
148
00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:06,630
at Lady Foot Locker?
149
00:07:06,670 --> 00:07:10,470
No. Céline Dion works
at Lady Foot Locker.
150
00:07:10,510 --> 00:07:11,930
Anyway, it wasn't her.
151
00:07:11,970 --> 00:07:13,050
Okay, you know what?
152
00:07:13,090 --> 00:07:14,800
Please, let's just
retrace your steps
153
00:07:14,850 --> 00:07:16,640
and maybe we can
find your wallet.
154
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,930
Cool. I'll show you Hondo.
155
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:22,310
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
156
00:07:22,350 --> 00:07:25,190
-[SIGHS]
-I cannot believe I lost it.
157
00:07:25,230 --> 00:07:27,940
I mean, my driver's license,
158
00:07:27,980 --> 00:07:30,280
my insurance card,
my gym membership.
159
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:34,320
Yeah, without that
and your library card,
160
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:36,490
how will you live?
161
00:07:36,530 --> 00:07:38,160
I just don't understand.
It's like it vanished.
162
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,540
CARRIE: Yeah. Along with
the other 5 wallets
163
00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:41,960
that you've lost,
164
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,920
including the one that
was chained to your pants.
165
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,460
I still can't figure
that one out.
166
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:51,130
I lost my pants, Carrie.
It's not a big mystery.
167
00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:52,380
Okay, you know what?
168
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:53,970
Let's just cancel
your credit cards
169
00:07:54,010 --> 00:07:56,890
and try to enjoy
the holidays, okay?
170
00:07:56,930 --> 00:07:59,350
So it was just the Visa
and the Amex, right?
171
00:07:59,390 --> 00:08:03,310
Yeah. And, uh...
some other ones.
172
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:05,020
What other ones?
173
00:08:05,060 --> 00:08:07,400
Well, every day they send me
these applications in the mail.
174
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:11,190
"Sign up for a Jets card
and get a free Jets hat."
175
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:15,200
"Sign up for a Knicks card
and earn Knick bucks."
176
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:18,370
What the hell
are Knick bucks?
177
00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:20,080
I don't know, but
if I get 20,000 of 'em,
178
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,460
I get a free hat.
179
00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:23,500
Doug, I accept the fact
180
00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:25,130
that I'm the responsible
one, okay?
181
00:08:25,170 --> 00:08:28,550
I do all our finances,
I plan for our retirement,
182
00:08:28,590 --> 00:08:31,210
I check us both for lumps.
183
00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:33,260
And I don't expect you
to help me,
184
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:35,930
but now you're just
actively screwing me over.
185
00:08:35,970 --> 00:08:37,470
Oh...I just don't
understand this.
186
00:08:37,510 --> 00:08:40,890
I swear, I took my wallet out.
I paid for your dad's sweater.
187
00:08:40,930 --> 00:08:43,730
I put my wallet back,
and I--
188
00:08:43,770 --> 00:08:45,230
wait a second.
189
00:08:45,270 --> 00:08:47,730
That guy--that guy,
he picked my pocket!
190
00:08:47,770 --> 00:08:48,820
What guy?
191
00:08:48,860 --> 00:08:50,820
You know.
192
00:08:50,860 --> 00:08:52,740
Li'l Romeo.
193
00:08:52,780 --> 00:08:54,110
Oh, my g--
Okay, Doug.
194
00:08:54,150 --> 00:08:56,660
You have tried
to blame your stupidity
195
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:57,820
on other people,
196
00:08:57,870 --> 00:09:00,080
but this--
this is just sad.
197
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:01,580
DOUG: No. I'm tellin' you,
he took it!
198
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:03,460
CARRIE: Oh, you just have it
in for him because
199
00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:04,830
he was hitting on me.
200
00:09:04,870 --> 00:09:07,080
Maybe he was hitting on you
just to create a diversion
201
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,540
so he could grab my wallet.
202
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:09,710
Oh, puh-leeze.
203
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,000
DOUG: Oh, right,
what was I thinkin'?
204
00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:12,510
I mean, he had
to be hittin' on you
205
00:09:12,550 --> 00:09:14,970
'cause you're so damn hot.
206
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,180
Okay, you know what,
Doug?
207
00:09:20,220 --> 00:09:22,350
I don't want you
to buy me a gift
208
00:09:22,390 --> 00:09:23,180
this year, okay?
209
00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:24,430
All I want
for Christmas
210
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,640
is for you to stop
acting like a big baby
211
00:09:26,690 --> 00:09:27,850
and grow up.
212
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,110
No. I gave you that
last year.
213
00:09:36,070 --> 00:09:37,200
Now, if I cancel
my credit card,
214
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,160
do I still get to keep
the Knick bucks?
215
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,490
I do. Great!
216
00:09:41,530 --> 00:09:43,870
Oh, that's great.
Thank you very much.
217
00:09:45,290 --> 00:09:47,170
-[SPLAT]
-[WHAM]
218
00:09:47,210 --> 00:09:48,670
-[WHAP]
-What the hell's goin' on?
219
00:09:48,710 --> 00:09:50,000
Danny and I
just got attacked
220
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,710
by a bunch of kids
throwin' snowballs.
221
00:09:51,750 --> 00:09:54,840
-Where's Danny?
-He's not here?
222
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:56,340
I thought
he was ahead of me.
223
00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:58,050
DANNY: Cut it out!Just quit it!
224
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:06,480
Where'd you go?!
225
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:07,850
Once they
ran out from behind
226
00:10:07,890 --> 00:10:08,770
the station wagon,
227
00:10:08,810 --> 00:10:10,650
it was every man
for himself.
228
00:10:10,690 --> 00:10:13,860
DANNY: Aw, man, that Chinese
kid's got an arm.
229
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:18,360
Okay, guys,
so what's the plan now?
230
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:19,530
Are you gonna
hang out here
231
00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:20,990
till the streetlights
come on?
232
00:10:21,030 --> 00:10:22,530
DEACON: No, man. We're on
our way to Cooper's
233
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:23,990
to catch the second
half of the game.
234
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,120
Get your coat on.
235
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,750
Nah. You know what?
I pass.
236
00:10:26,790 --> 00:10:28,000
Come on.
2-for-one pitchers.
237
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,500
-Yeah. Come on.
-It's all right, man.
238
00:10:29,540 --> 00:10:30,630
I'm not goin', all right?
239
00:10:30,670 --> 00:10:31,710
-Why not?
-'Cause I'm not.
240
00:10:31,750 --> 00:10:33,210
-Why not?
-Gah, uh...
241
00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:36,130
I spent my allowance
already, okay?
242
00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:37,380
What?
243
00:10:37,420 --> 00:10:38,760
Carrie and I got
into a fight, all right?
244
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,550
And to teach me
a lesson, she [SIGHS]
245
00:10:40,590 --> 00:10:42,720
put me on an allowance.
246
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,060
Why don't you sell your bike?
247
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:52,810
That's pretty tough
talk comin' from a guy
248
00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:54,320
who just got chased
into my house
249
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,230
by a 12-year-old.
250
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,240
It was 5 12-year-olds.
251
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:01,570
And 3 of them
were guys.
252
00:11:01,610 --> 00:11:02,950
Well, I'm not goin',
so go to Cooper's
253
00:11:02,990 --> 00:11:04,410
and have a good time,
all right?
254
00:11:04,450 --> 00:11:05,580
Nah--all right.
255
00:11:05,620 --> 00:11:07,290
Hey, let's go out
the back door.
256
00:11:07,330 --> 00:11:08,370
Oh, good idea.
257
00:11:08,410 --> 00:11:09,790
We'll grab some
garbage can covers
258
00:11:09,830 --> 00:11:12,080
-and use them as shields.
-DEACON: Oh, good idea.
259
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,710
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
260
00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:17,130
Hello?
261
00:11:17,170 --> 00:11:18,590
This is he.
262
00:11:18,630 --> 00:11:21,180
Yes, that is
my credit card.
263
00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:23,720
Are there any charges
on it?
264
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:27,930
Really?
Really? [CHUCKLES]
265
00:11:27,970 --> 00:11:29,350
Uh-huh.
266
00:11:29,390 --> 00:11:30,980
Thank you.
267
00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:33,100
Thank you very much.
268
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,860
Hey, Columbo,
how's the, uh...
269
00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:38,110
manhunt goin'?
270
00:11:38,150 --> 00:11:39,400
Oh, I just got a call
271
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,990
that blew this case
wide open.
272
00:11:42,030 --> 00:11:42,910
Oh, yeah?
273
00:11:42,950 --> 00:11:44,450
Mm-hmm. Here
are some charges
274
00:11:44,490 --> 00:11:45,950
that were just made
on one of my missing
275
00:11:45,990 --> 00:11:47,450
credit cards.
276
00:11:47,490 --> 00:11:49,750
Read 'em and weep.
277
00:11:49,790 --> 00:11:51,290
Pablo's Tailor Shop.
278
00:11:51,330 --> 00:11:52,790
Yeah. Now, tell me,
279
00:11:52,830 --> 00:11:57,250
what kind of a guy goes
to get his clothes...altered?
280
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,960
You.
281
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:02,470
I mean, I've let your
pants out so many times,
282
00:12:02,510 --> 00:12:05,970
the tailor invited me to
his daughter's wedding.
283
00:12:06,010 --> 00:12:07,970
Okay, fine, but how
do you explain these:
284
00:12:08,010 --> 00:12:11,480
"The boys' department
at Saks," huh?
285
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:12,890
"Island Mini-golf,"
286
00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:15,690
which is like
regular golf for him.
287
00:12:17,020 --> 00:12:18,230
And the Ladder Store.
288
00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:22,280
That's right:
the Ladder Store.
289
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,450
Now, who needs a ladder?
290
00:12:25,490 --> 00:12:27,160
Um, a contractor,
291
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,830
a painter, a tree trimmer,
a window washer.
292
00:12:30,870 --> 00:12:33,250
That's just
to name a few.
293
00:12:33,290 --> 00:12:34,670
It's him,
and you know it is.
294
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,080
CARRIE: No. What I know is
that you're a screw-up
295
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:39,130
who just cost himself
next week's allowance.
296
00:12:39,170 --> 00:12:42,840
You just can't face the fact
that he was after my wallet.
297
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,090
He was trying to get
in my pants, not yours.
298
00:12:48,930 --> 00:12:52,140
Just cost yourself
another week, buddy boy.
299
00:12:52,180 --> 00:12:55,150
You know, you are livin'
in a fantasy world, okay?
300
00:12:55,190 --> 00:12:57,230
Because I got enough proof,
and I'll tell you what,
301
00:12:57,270 --> 00:12:59,570
I'm goin' to the cops.
302
00:13:03,030 --> 00:13:04,700
Okay, I don't have a license,
so I'm gonna need you
303
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:06,160
to drive me.
304
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,240
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
305
00:13:14,370 --> 00:13:15,790
Mr. Heffernan?
306
00:13:15,830 --> 00:13:18,170
Detective Perry said
he'll be just another minute.
307
00:13:19,670 --> 00:13:21,670
Why are they makin' us wait
so long?
308
00:13:21,710 --> 00:13:23,380
I don't know, Doug.
They're probably all wastin'
309
00:13:23,420 --> 00:13:25,300
their time on some
pesky murder.
310
00:13:26,630 --> 00:13:29,600
Boy, you got some sass,
mujer.
311
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,600
Mr. Heffernan?
312
00:13:36,270 --> 00:13:37,650
I'm Detective Perry.
313
00:13:37,690 --> 00:13:40,690
How ya doin'?
How ya doin' there?
314
00:13:40,730 --> 00:13:43,190
I understand someone
stole your wallet.
315
00:13:43,230 --> 00:13:44,690
Uh, yeah.
316
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:46,400
Yeah, Doug,
why don't you go ahead
317
00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:47,990
and tell the detective
who did it?
318
00:13:48,030 --> 00:13:50,080
Uh, yeah,
I was shopping,
319
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,410
and this guy was
talking to my wife,
320
00:13:52,450 --> 00:13:54,790
and he--he took it.
321
00:13:55,910 --> 00:13:57,290
What'd this guy look like?
322
00:13:58,790 --> 00:14:02,920
Oh, it's--white guy,
uh...spikey hair...
323
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,260
probably
in his 30s yet.
324
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:05,760
That's the guy.
325
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,220
Hey, honey, could you
be any more specific?
326
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,720
Yeah. Did he have any
distinctive characteristics,
327
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:15,270
anything unique that would
help us I.D. him--anything?
328
00:14:15,310 --> 00:14:16,980
Distinctive...
329
00:14:17,020 --> 00:14:18,310
ahh...
330
00:14:18,350 --> 00:14:19,900
let's see.
He was, uh...
331
00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:22,730
dressed very nicely.
332
00:14:22,770 --> 00:14:25,820
I think he was wearing
some kind of cologne.
333
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:29,450
He was a midget,
and, uh...
334
00:14:29,490 --> 00:14:31,950
I think he was
wearing jeans.
335
00:14:31,990 --> 00:14:33,160
I'm sorry.
What did you say?
336
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,540
Jeans. I think
he was wearing jeans.
337
00:14:35,580 --> 00:14:37,160
No. Before that
you said something.
338
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,670
Oh, uh, [MUFFLED]
he was a midget.
339
00:14:42,170 --> 00:14:43,340
I'm not catching this.
340
00:14:43,380 --> 00:14:44,800
[MUFFLED] He was a midget.
He was a midget.
341
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,590
-He was in what?
-[MUMBLES]
342
00:14:46,630 --> 00:14:48,050
He was--I--I can't--
343
00:14:48,090 --> 00:14:49,340
-[MUMBLING]
-Mr. Heffernan--
344
00:14:49,380 --> 00:14:52,050
He's a midget!
345
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,430
I'm sorry. I know that's
not the right word, okay?
346
00:14:54,470 --> 00:14:56,310
No offense. I--
347
00:14:56,350 --> 00:14:58,020
Why would I take offense?
348
00:14:58,060 --> 00:14:59,600
I'm not sayin'
that you're--
349
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:01,190
I mean that you're--you're,
uh, you know--
350
00:15:01,230 --> 00:15:02,310
A midget?
351
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,440
No! You're way past
the cutoff, right?
352
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,700
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
353
00:15:13,530 --> 00:15:15,790
Well, well...
354
00:15:15,830 --> 00:15:18,710
who put a lump of coal
in your stocking?
355
00:15:20,710 --> 00:15:22,960
It's nothing.
It's just...
356
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,500
this little person
stole my wallet,
357
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:27,630
and nobody believes me.
358
00:15:27,670 --> 00:15:29,920
Oh, the little people...
359
00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:33,180
so small, yet so cunning.
360
00:15:33,220 --> 00:15:35,390
Yeah. I mean, Carrie thinks
I got it in for this guy
361
00:15:35,430 --> 00:15:37,060
just 'cause he hit on her.
362
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:39,430
Well, we all know
her taste in men
363
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,980
runs to the extreme.
364
00:15:42,230 --> 00:15:44,940
What makes you so sure
it's him?
365
00:15:44,980 --> 00:15:47,400
Look at the charges
on my credit card.
366
00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:52,240
Why, any fool could tell
367
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,080
these are the charges
of the tiny.
368
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,700
Exactly. I mean--
369
00:15:57,740 --> 00:15:59,370
you're the only one
who believes me.
370
00:15:59,410 --> 00:16:00,870
Great.
371
00:16:00,910 --> 00:16:02,080
This is no time
for self-pity.
372
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,540
There's a criminal
on the loose.
373
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:05,670
We'll call these stores
374
00:16:05,710 --> 00:16:07,460
and see
if anyone remembers
375
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,550
who used your card.
376
00:16:09,590 --> 00:16:11,010
You think someone will?
377
00:16:11,050 --> 00:16:12,800
I've worked in retail.
378
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:15,140
If a little person
walked into my shop,
379
00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:18,350
it was all I could
talk about for years.
380
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:23,650
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
381
00:16:23,690 --> 00:16:25,060
Appreciate you
driving me, Arthur,
382
00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:27,570
but, uh, could you
speed it up a little?
383
00:16:27,610 --> 00:16:30,780
I follow the rules
of the road.
384
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,110
Okay, we just got passed
by a shopping cart.
385
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,160
Come on.
386
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,240
Are you sure
this is a strong lead?
387
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,370
Positive.
388
00:16:38,410 --> 00:16:39,540
The ladder store said,
389
00:16:39,580 --> 00:16:42,080
"A little fella by
the name of Doug Heffernan
390
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,370
just bought himself
a stepstool."
391
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:46,460
She also said she remembers
him saying that it was
392
00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:48,340
for his job at the mall.
393
00:16:49,750 --> 00:16:52,090
You know,
we're quite a team.
394
00:16:52,130 --> 00:16:55,510
Like JakeAnd The Fatman.
395
00:16:55,550 --> 00:16:57,220
Needless to say,
I'm Jake.
396
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:03,770
There's just one more person
I need to invite to the party.
397
00:17:03,810 --> 00:17:06,900
Hey, Carrie, it's me.
It's, uh...
398
00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:09,020
let's see.
It's 6:30 now.
399
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:11,780
Do me a favor. Meet me
at the mall ASAP.
400
00:17:11,820 --> 00:17:13,320
I got a little surprise
for ya.
401
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:16,320
[CHUCKLES]
Little surprise marvelous.
402
00:17:17,820 --> 00:17:21,120
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
403
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,250
DOUG: How are we
gonna find this guy?
404
00:17:27,290 --> 00:17:28,750
There's, like,
a million people here.
405
00:17:28,790 --> 00:17:31,670
Vigilante justice
takes patience, Douglas.
406
00:17:31,710 --> 00:17:34,800
Hey, do you see
what I see?
407
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,090
The Panda Express?
Because I could eat.
408
00:17:38,180 --> 00:17:40,970
No. That elf over there.
That's the guy.
409
00:17:41,010 --> 00:17:43,020
All right,
hand over my wallet.
410
00:17:43,810 --> 00:17:44,810
What?
411
00:17:44,850 --> 00:17:46,230
[STAMMERING]
Oh, I--I'm sorry.
412
00:17:46,270 --> 00:17:48,480
I thought you
were this other guy
413
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:49,690
who stole my wallet.
414
00:17:49,730 --> 00:17:53,940
Oh-ho ho! I get it:
because I'm black.
415
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:55,240
No, no, no, no.
Not 'cause you're black.
416
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,780
'Cause you're a--
a little person.
417
00:17:57,820 --> 00:18:00,160
Oh, so now all little people
are thieves?
418
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,080
DOUG: No. That's not
what I'm saying.
419
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,120
How would you feel
if I walked around sayin',
420
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,330
"Someone stole my donut.
421
00:18:05,370 --> 00:18:08,120
It must have been
the fat guy."
422
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:10,790
"Whoa! Where did
my Christmas ham go?
423
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,420
Gee, I wonder."
424
00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:14,510
All right, all right,
all right, all right!
425
00:18:14,550 --> 00:18:16,970
You made your point.
I'm sorry, man. Jeez.
426
00:18:17,010 --> 00:18:18,010
MAN: That's right!
427
00:18:18,050 --> 00:18:20,470
You better leave, tubby.
428
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:23,390
DOUG: Hey! Hey!
429
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:28,020
Hey, I know
it was you!
430
00:18:28,060 --> 00:18:29,520
I don't know what
you're talking about.
431
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,980
Yeah? You stole my wallet,
and you used my credit cards.
432
00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:33,440
I wrote down all the charges
right here.
433
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,780
All right, I did it,
but it serves you right.
434
00:18:36,820 --> 00:18:38,070
What are you
talking about?
435
00:18:38,110 --> 00:18:39,660
I was having
a nice conversation
436
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:40,820
with your wife,
437
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:41,950
and you came over
and you made me
438
00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:43,160
feel like garbage,
439
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,200
so I just
grabbed your wallet.
440
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:47,040
Careful, Douglas,
he's cornered.
441
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,620
There's no telling
what he might do.
442
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:51,380
Now, look, I got this
situation under control.
443
00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:53,290
Why don't you go
to Panda Express?
444
00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:54,670
I could eat.
445
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,550
Look, even if what
you say is true, okay,
446
00:18:57,590 --> 00:19:00,590
it doesn't give you the right
to steal my wallet.
447
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:03,810
You're right.
448
00:19:03,850 --> 00:19:06,220
Why do I do
these things? I mean...
449
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:08,270
I've really made a mess
of my life.
450
00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:09,980
I can't hold down
a job
451
00:19:10,020 --> 00:19:11,860
or make
a marriage work,
452
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,980
but when it comes
to screwin' up,
453
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:17,740
man, I'm
the all-time champ.
454
00:19:17,780 --> 00:19:19,740
All right,
tell you what.
455
00:19:19,780 --> 00:19:21,450
Just give me back my wallet,
456
00:19:21,490 --> 00:19:23,240
and we'll just forget
the whole thing.
457
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,580
Really? You're not
gonna call the cops?
458
00:19:26,620 --> 00:19:28,290
Nah.
459
00:19:28,330 --> 00:19:30,420
Here. All the credit
cards are in there.
460
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:31,790
You can count 'em
if you want.
461
00:19:31,830 --> 00:19:32,880
DOUG: No.
462
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,500
That's all right.
463
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:35,670
Merry Christmas.
464
00:19:35,710 --> 00:19:36,800
You, too...
465
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:39,380
Douglas
Steven Heffernan.
466
00:19:42,340 --> 00:19:43,140
CARRIE: Doug?
467
00:19:43,180 --> 00:19:44,470
Hey, uh...
I can explain.
468
00:19:44,510 --> 00:19:46,060
CARRIE: You don't have to
explain anything.
469
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:48,270
That was a very
nice thing you did.
470
00:19:48,310 --> 00:19:52,600
You're still a big baby,
but you're a sweet big baby.
471
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:53,770
So we, uh...
472
00:19:53,810 --> 00:19:55,770
-we're good?
-Yes, we're good.
473
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:57,190
Just hang on one second.
474
00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:59,860
Uh, excuse me.
Can I ask you a question?
475
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:00,950
Sure.
476
00:20:00,990 --> 00:20:02,030
You were...
477
00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:03,320
hitting on me, right?
478
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,950
I mean, that wasn't
just part of your scam
479
00:20:04,990 --> 00:20:06,120
to get the wallet?
480
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,790
Are you kidding?
481
00:20:07,830 --> 00:20:11,750
You're an A-1 piece
of tail, honey.
482
00:20:11,790 --> 00:20:15,000
Oh, that is so sweet.
Thank you.
483
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,750
Now get the hell
outta here.
484
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:20,800
-We can go now?
-Yes.
485
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:22,430
I guess I owe you
an apology.
486
00:20:22,470 --> 00:20:25,850
Actually, I owe you
an apology, too.
487
00:20:25,890 --> 00:20:27,470
He's actually an okay guy.
488
00:20:30,850 --> 00:20:32,020
WOMAN: Mr. Heffernan,
489
00:20:32,060 --> 00:20:34,270
welcome to the Maui
Paradise Resort,
490
00:20:34,310 --> 00:20:37,110
and how will you be
paying for your stay?
491
00:21:32,410 --> 00:21:35,750
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
34482
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