All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2004) - S07E06 - Off-Track... Bedding_track3_[eng]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Son of a...

[STRAINING]

Help!

SINGER: * My eyes
are gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

* But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby,
all my life*

* I will be drivin' home
to you*

Hey, sticky buns.

Aw, it's cute when you
give me little nicknames.

Hmm?

Nothing.

Aren't my parents
here yet?

No. They called from
the airport, though.

Your father's holding
out for a cheaper taxi.

I would have liked
to see them

before I go
to my union meeting tonight.

Union meeting?

Since when do you
go to union meetings?

Since they started
serving beer.

And we might be going out
on strike or something.

I don't know. Why?
What's the big deal?

Well, Doug,
I have some work to do.

I need you to
entertain your parents.

And I was kind of
hoping to try out

my new bubble bath
as well.

"Lavender surrender."

[CHUCKLES]
Make a good stripper name.

All right, Doug.

I'm just saying

I wouldn't have
to go to any union meetings

if you could work a couple
nights as Lavender Surrender.

All right, come on.

I really have stuff
I gotta do tonight.

Relax, all right,
I got it covered.

Tonight, I got 2 theater tickets
for my parents.

So, once they're
out of the house,

you can take a bath,
invite your boyfriend over,

the house is yours.

I just hope they're getting
along a little better.

What?

You remember last month
in Florida,

they were going at
each other all the time.

-No, they weren't.
-Doug, come on.

Your father called
your mother an idiot

because she bought him
potato chips in a can.

The man likes his chips
in a bag.

Remember that time
I got mad at you

because you bought me
mini-donuts

instead of the regular size?

Does that mean
I don't love you?

Well, you did say some
pretty hurtful things.

Well, I don't like
mini-donuts.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-There they are.
-Okay.

-Hey!
-Hello!

-Good to see you.
-Hi!

Hey, Dougie, quick,
go grab the bags

before the cabbie gets 'em.

This guy is
fishing for a tip.

So how was
your flight?

Oh, it was
really nice.

Ah, you know, they recycle
the air on those planes,

so it's mostly
exhaled carbon dioxide

and flecks of
other people's skin.

Did not know that.

I brought you
the in-flight magazine.

Oh, thank you.

There's an article
in there

on Arsenio Hall's
favorite steak house.

-Turns out--
-Bup bup bup.

I want
to be surprised.

Still fighting bags
with wheels, huh, Dad?

Hey, wheels break.
Then where are ya?

Right back to here.

CARRIE: So, Joe, you all ready
for your big convention?

Oh, yes, I am.

Feast your eyes on what's
going to bring home

the golden caboose

at the 43rd Annual
Model Train Expo.

DOUG: Oh, that is
pretty sweet.

Hey, hey, hey--
you know the rules.

Oh, come on, Joe.
Let him touch the train.

It's not a train,
it's an engine.

Well, in that case,
who cares?!

I care!

You know, for one week,
one week out of the year,

could I have that
to enjoy myself?

-Fine!
-Good!

Speaking of enjoying
yourselves,

who's going to see Robert Goulet
in Camelottonight?

Really? Oh, that's
my favorite show.

I know.

Oh, Joe, look.

Whoa! 65 bucks each.

I wonder how much
of this goes to Goulet?

All right, well,
you guys have a great time.

I got a union thing
I got to go to.

Aw, thank you, Dougie.
That was so generous of you.

Come on,
you guys raised me.

You paid for me
to go to college.

Sorry
that didn't work out.

Whoo, look at you.
You look beautiful.

Aw. Thank you, Carrie.

I am so looking forward
to tonight.

There's nothing more
exciting than a live show.

CARRIE: Yeah.
The last live show

Doug took me to was 2 guys
fighting in a cage.

Oh, no, you're not wearing that
train hat to the theater.

-I can't go.
-What?

I just got a call
from the convention center.

They're assigning the
table locations tonight,

-not in the morning.
-So?

So if I don't
get down there ASAP,

I'll be way in the back
with all those monorail freaks.

But Dougie bought
those tickets.

Hey, the grand conductor
makes the assignments, not me.

I'm sorry. I gotta go.

I'm sorry, Janet.

Don't be.
Who needs him?

Hey, maybe
you'll come with me.

We could do
a girls' night out.

Oh, I wish I could,
but I have all this work.

Oh, yeah, of course,
your work.

Hey, you know what?

There's no law
against a woman

going to the theater
by herself.

I'll just, uh...

I'll do it, and it'll
be better, you know,

because I won't have to fight
with Joe for the armrest.

Yeah, there you go.

So I'm just gonna
go get my bag.

CARRIE: Hey, Dad,
you're home early.

Tough night
at the senior center.

I had to flip
the checker board

in a fit of rage
earlier than usual.

I take it the duke and duchess
of Fort Lauderdale have arrived.

CARRIE: Yes. Why do you have

such a problem
with Doug's parents?

I can't take
their constant bragging.

"Oh, we saved
for our retirement."

How bourgeois.

Goulet's in town?

Yeah.

Hey, why don't you
go with Janet?

Me?!

Yeah. Joe can't go
and I have all this work,

I have to do,
but it really help

everyone out
if you would take her.

What do you say?

No posible, senorita.

CARRIE: Dad,
come on. Please?

How can I say no
to my little girl?

10 bucks, plus expenses.

Subway fare, $3.00.

2 knishes, $4.00.

Janet, how much
was that program?

Oh, these are free.

Uh-huh.

One commemorative
program, $12.95...

It was so nice of you
to come with me, Arthur.

My pleasure.
Carry the 1...

It's a beautiful theater.

The last time I was here,
I was a young socialist dreamer

taking in the opening night
of a Clifford Odets musical.

I believe it was called,
Johnny Wants a Living Wage.

But I don't
wanna bore you.

Oh, it's not boring
at all.

I love the theater.

I can never
get Joe to come,

let alone talk about it,
so please go on.

Well, it was
a marvelous play,

almost Brechtian with a sassy
hint of old-time burlesque.

Closed that night.

My, how fascinating.

You want fascinating?

Have I ever told you
about the night

I pumped
Helen Hayes' stomach?

[LAUGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

JANET: Oh, my goodness.
[LAUGHS]

Oh, that was a hoot.

I haven't had so much
fun in years.

ARTHUR: Well, Arthur Spooner
does not disappoint.

JANET: Well, good night,
and thank you again

for a lovely evening.

Thank you, milady.

Hello, Douglas.

Good night.

-Hey, Ma.
-Oh, hey, honey.

Off to work?

Yeah. Is Dad up yet?

Up? He's already
at the convention center

with his trains.

Oh. I feel bad leaving you
here by yourself.

You want to meet me
for lunch later or--

Oh, just a reminder,
Janet--

bring a light sweater.
It's chilly on the lake.

Okay.

No, thanks, honey,
I'll be fine.

SINGER: * Come fly with me*

* Let's fly,
let's fly away*

* If you can use
some exotic booze*

* There's a bar
in far Bombay*

* Come fly with me*

* Let's fly,
let's fly away*

* Come fly with me*

* Let's float down
to Peru*

* In Llama Land
there's a one-man band*

* And he'll toot his flute
for you*

* Come fly with me*

* Let's take up
in the blue*

* Once I get you up there*

* Where the air
is rarefied*

* We'll just glide*

* Starry-eyed*

* Once I get you
up there*

* I'll be holding you*

* So near*

* You may hear*

* Angels cheer*

* 'Cause we're together*

* Weather-wise*

* It's such a lovely day*

* Just say the words*

* And we'll
beat the birds*

* Down to Acapulco Bay*

CARRIE: Hey, honey.
I'm reading an article--

"Nine Ways to Please Your Man."

Now, this might be
the wine talking,

but I am willing
to do 2 of them.

That's great. Look,
I know you've been busy

with your bubble baths
and whatnot.

I just wanted to get you up
to speed on a couple things.

Uh, we're getting
low on mayo,

I fixed
that faucet thing,

and, oh, yeah,
our parents are dating.

No, they're not.

They're just spending time
together.

See, this is
all your fault.

-What?
-DOUG: Yeah,

'cause you had
to send your father

with my mother
to the theater.

Why would you
do that?

I mean, there's a reason
we keep him in the basement.

Doug, I was just trying to do
something nice for your mother.

Oh, really?

CARRIE:
Yeah, and you know what?

We wouldn't be having
this conversation

if your father
would have taken her.

But, no, of course,

he had a very serious
choo-choo emergency.

Hey, when he wins
that golden caboose,

you're gonna be sucking

on a nice cold
shut-up-sicle.

Doug, I know this is hard
for you to handle, okay,

but your parents
are having problems.

They are not!

Yes, they are.

Your father has been
neglecting your mother.

Hello!
It's train week.

All right, look,
maybe they're going through

a little bit
of a rough spot, right now,

but it doesn't help having
your dad sniffin' around my mom.

And by the way,

yesterday, I think
I saw him doing that.

So what do you
want me to do?

Talk to him.
Tell him to back off.

All right, I will
talk to my father,

but I really do think you need
to talk to your mother.

Oh, really? Think I should talk
to her? Know what you do?

You just get
the monkey in the cage!

Ugh.

[CLANKING]

Hey, Dad.

Ah, just the man
I wanted to see.

Here's the total expenses
I've incurred for Janet.

I think you'll find my rates
are quite competitive.

Uh, listen, Dad.

I don't think you should
take Janet out tonight.

Why? I've already
billed you for it.

Well, I think Doug's parents
are having some problems,

and I don't want Janet
to misinterpret your intentions.

I assure you, my intentions
are purely monetary.

Well, that's good
to know.

Plus, she's not
really my type.

Arthur Spooner likes 'em lean
and mean like a feral cat.

Okay, well, I'm glad
you understand

because, you know,
you're a pretty charming guy.

And with you in the picture,
you know, anything can happen.

You know what I'm saying?

-Yes, I do.
-Okay.

Although, now that
you bring it up,

this last week has been
such a crazy whirlwind,

I really haven't had a chance
to gauge my feelings for Janet.

No, Dad, no feelings.
Nothing to gauge.

I mean, Janet does have a smile
that lights up the room.

Yeah. See, I disagree.
Middle-of-the-road smile.

And you did say her
marriage is on the rocks,

so I'd just be speeding
up the inevitable.

Okay, Dad, look,
I will give you $500

if you stay away
from Doug's mother.

My love can't be bought!

Oh, hi, Dougie.

Hey, Ma.

Artie's taking me
to the Velvet Lounge tonight.

Is this dressy enough?

Yeah, Actually, you know,
I want to talk to you

about Arthur
for a second.

Oh, sure.
What is it?

I just want to thank you,
first of all,

for putting up with his
craziness all week.

Welcome to my world,
you know what I'm saying?

Oh, I don't mind.
I like Arthur.

Yeah, you know,
you like him,

but in the way you like a sad
little 3-legged dog, you know.

Actually, it's more
pity than like. Am I right?

No, I really like him.

Okay, fine,
you really like him.

What's your point?

My point is, you don't
actually like him

like you like Dad,
right?

I'm so confused.

Oh, God.

It's just that
it's been so long since...

someone paid
attention to me,

someone who was excited
to spend time with me.

-Dad does that.
-No, he doesn't.

All he cares about
is his trains.

Yeah, he likes
his trains,

but you guys have
so much other stuff.

Like what?

You got your Boggle...

uh, Judging Amy...

Your Judge Judy--
all your judges.

Bottom line--you guys
got a lot of stuff.

Look, Doug, I know that
I'm not a young girl anymore,

but I still have
urges and desires

that need to be fulfilled.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm not just talking
about the physical act of sex.

Which, by the way,
your father--

All right, Ma,
that's it!

No more desires
or urges,

and you are not
to be fulfilled.

Now go in there
and bake something!

I'm sorry, Douglas,

but I am going out
with Arthur tonight.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Did you talk
to your dad?

Um, yes, we talked.

Douglas,
I want you to know

if things between your
mother and I go the way

I think they're heading,

I would never try
to replace your father.

But I do expect
to be obeyed.

What happened
down there?

I don't know.
It got away from me pretty fast.

Okay. You listen up,
old man. Um,

if you try to take
my mother out again,

you're gonna be
in a world of pain.

Son, this belt doesn't
just keep my pants up.

-Hey, Dad.
-Yeah, just a sec.

Huh? Huh?

You think Dorfman's got this

in his stupid alpine village?
Uh-uh.

Yeah, that's great.

You know, Mom went out
with Arthur again tonight.

Oh, good. Hey, hand me that
little Chinese couple, will you?

If you want a shot
at winning this,

you gotta play the P.C. game.

Look, you know,
I talked to Mom,

and I gotta tell you
she's not completely happy.

Aw, you know your mom.
She's fine.

No, Dad, she's not.

And you know where
she went with Arthur?

To the Velvet Lounge.

Really?

That's where I used to take her
when we started dating.

Yeah, you know,
I think you should go to her.

No, I can't.
This is judging night.

This is my year. I'm gonna get
that golden caboose.

Dad, will you stop
with the trains?

Stop! Enough already!

I mean, Mom was right.

All you care about
are these damn trains.

Our whole lives,
they came first.

-That's not true.
-It is true.

Even when I was a kid
you wouldn't let me touch them.

Well, you had your chance
and you blew it.

I was 4, the freight car
looked like a candy bar.

-Turn the page.
-Aw, come on, Dougie.

Even when I
got older, Dad,

you said I couldn't play
with them

because I didn't have a license.

There were no licenses,
were there?

Not at the time. No.

Your mother's
really unhappy?

You're right.

These trains, they hurt
the people I love.

I got to go find
your mother.

-Good.
-I, uh...

I need you to do me
a favor, son.

What?

Take the Boston Bullet
into the station.

Can do.

[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Janet, I must say,
you move with a silky elegance.

Thank you, Arthur.

You know, we can stay out
as late as you want.

I've adjusted my
medications accordingly.

-[LAUGHS]
-[APPLAUSE]

-[MUSIC ENDS]
-Oh.

Oh, it looks like someone
could use another martooni.

Well, maybe
just one more.

Joe?

[BAND PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]

Janet, I'm not saying
it's going to be easy,

but with my love
and your alimony,

we can build
a life together.

Heh.

I'm gonna need
a receipt for these.

And it's back
to the basement.

[BAND PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]

I told you,
my dad had to leave.

They were his trains.

But you said your father
had these trains for 30 years.

You never used it once?

He wouldn't let me.

It doesn't add up.

Doesn't add up.

-Am I released now?
-No.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]