All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2004) - S06E23 - Icky Shuffle_track3_[eng]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

What are you doing
with the Clark bar?

I thought you were
a Snickers man.

Oh. I delivered
to an Ed Clark today,

and, well, one thing
led to another.

Any chance
you might deliver

to a Steve Celery
sometime?

Any chance you could
deliver to Shutty Town?

I used to love these
as a kid.

Mmm.

Actually stole one
once.

You stole?

Yep. I was at
Herb's Candies

one day.

I came up
a dime short,

so I just put one
in my pocket,

slipped out
the front door

and ate it.

5 minutes later,
I felt so guilty

I threw it all up.

And yet you got back
on the horse.

How about you,
have you ever--

you ever steal
anything?

Uh...Once
in high school,

a bunch of us
stole a car.

I'm sorry?

Well, if you want
to be technical,

it was more of
a carjacking.

The, uh, the shop teacher
Mr. Peshkin

was gonna fail
a bunch of us,

so we waited for him
after school,

and, um,

when he was climbing
into his crappy old Buick,

my friend Jimmy
came up behind him,

and he was, like,
"Get down! Get down!"

like he had a gun
or something.

So Mr. Peshkin,

he just dropped
to the pavement,

and we just all
piled in his car

and took off.
He never saw us.

But then later on,
we started freaking out

about fingerprints
so we stripped

the license plates,
and push the car

into the river.

It's crazy the stuff
you do as a kid, right?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

*My eyes are
gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[COUGHING]

Ohh.

I've never
wanted you more.

Do you ever think
at times like this

when I'm not
looking my best,

is when I need
to feel attractive

the most?

All right,
let's do it.

No. Come on, stop it.
Stop it.

I need you to do
something for me, okay?

What? I already got you
your precious medicine.

I need you to go
with my father

to family night
at the senior center.

It starts at 6:00.

I can't. Tonight
I have plans.

What plans?

I was gonna drink beer
and gamble on-line.

Okay, you know what,

if you're gonna be
such a baby about it,

then I'll just go myself.

DOUG: Wait, wait, wait.

Gosh...

here, bundle up.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

ARTHUR: This is where
Gus Lumsen died.

This is where
Chuck Randolph died.

And this is where
they give us juice.

Wow. Well, this is great.
This is really, really great.

Oh, my God! Is it--
is it 6:05 already?

ARTHUR: Oh, no.
Here comes

that braggart
Philip Waldecott.

Spooner.

Waldecott.

Am I missing anything?
I'm a little late.

I just had a meeting
with our contractor.

We're building a new
guest wing onto our house.

What a coincidence.

We're building
a new guest wing

onourhouse.

Well, lucky for us,
we'll be away in St. Barts

while they're doing
all the work.

Amazing. We'll be
in St. Barts while

they're doingourwork.

By the way, I'd like you
to meet my son-in-law Warren.

ARTHUR: Pleasure.

By the way,
I'd like you to meet

my son-in-law Warren.

Nice to meet you,
Warren.

Actually, everybody

calls me Doug
for short.

PHILIP: So, the member-guest
shuffleboard tournament

is coming up next week.

I understand that
the first prize

is a large basket
of Mr. Tootsie's

foot care products.

I assume that you two
will be playing?

Playing?

Uh, we'll be giving you

the drubbing of your
lives, Waldecott.

Right, Warren?

Okay, couple of things.

Not Warren, not goin'.

Well, come on, Warren.

You've been begging
to see my pottery.

I'm sorry, Douglas.

I didn't mean to
put you on the spot.

It just would've
been nice to stick it

to that smug bastard.

You and me together,

stepping into that
winner's circle,

holding up
that foot powder.

I could almost taste it.

PHILIP: Spooner.

Can you believe this?

My gravy boat
won first prize.

Congratulations.

I'm sorry to see you
walk away empty-handed.

But I suppose
you could go home

and look at your ribbons
from other years...

oh, no, wait.

You haven't won any,
have you?

No.

Well, anyway, I guess
I'll be seeing you in St. Barts.

[SMUG LAUGH]

All right,
they're goin' down.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Carrie, it's Holly.
Can I come in?

CARRIE: Yeah. Hey,
come in. Join the party.

Your dad told me
you were sick,

so I brought you
some soup.

Oh, that is so sweet.

-Thank you.
-HOLLY: Sure

And from what
I can smell,

it smells great.

Yeah. Yeah.

What do you think?

Oh, it's great.

HOLLY: Yeah, it's the way
my mom used to make it

for her boyfriends

when they were detoxing.

Oh, well, it was
very nice of you.

-Thank you.
-Oh, sure.

I can come by tomorrow
and bring you some more

if you're still
not feeling well.

Well, if you don't mind.

Not at all.

All right,
here you go.

Feel better, and I will
see you tomorrow.

CARRIE: Okay.

-Oh, and, Hol...
-Yeah.

could you maybe bring me
something a little sweet, too?

Like what?

I don't know.

Surprise me.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, Douglas,

thanks again
for doing this.

It means the world
to me.

You got it, Arthur.
By the way,

they put a drawstring
on sweatpants for a reason.

All right, let's get
this practice underway.

We'll learn the court,

get our team
strategy together,

and while we're at it,

take in the sights.

You know, what happens
at the senior center stays

at the senior center.

All right. Well, you know
what, let's do it. Huh?

Let's see what
this game's all about.

All right. Remember,
shuffleboard

is trickier than it looks.

I lettered in 3 sports,
Arthur.

I think I can slide a salad
plate across a cement floor.

Right?

Ooh, looks like I knocked
you out again, Douglas.

You're in the zone,
Josephine.

Your turn.

Once again, you've gone a bit
too far, dear.

Okay, you know what?
The short one's

pissing me off.

Relax. She's just
trying

to get in your head.

Now, listen,
Douglas.

You're strong.

You need to control
that strength.

Make it work
for you.

Like this.

Now you.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Thanks for the match,
boys.

We'll see you inside.

Losers buy the juice.

I can't believe this.

It looked much easier
onThe Love Boat.

Don't worry
about it, Douglas.

With a little more
practice, Team Spooner

will be neck deep
in foot powder.

We'll show
that Waldecott

a thing or two.

Thanks, Arthur.
You know what? Yeah.

You're right,
we're gonna win this thing.

You bet we will.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

DOUG: Oh, damn it!

What are you doing?

That one was heading
for the 10.

What areyoudoing?

Couldn't find a court
that's open at night.

How about our very long,
well-lit driveway?

Then I'd have to
roll up the hose.

It's a whole thing.

All right. Now, I'm gonna
give you a free pass on

this one, honey,

because you're doing
a nice thing for my dad.

Really?

Can I, uh...

use that free pass...

for jack in the box?

Hey, guys.

-DOUG: Hey.
-Oh, hey.

Carrie, I brought
you some of that

noodle casserole,

and for dessert,
rice pudding.

How you feeling?

Well...

I'm not as weak.

Well,
don't you worry.

Miracle noodles
coming right up.

What is she,
your caterer now?

I'm still sick,
you know.

I'm very weak
and achy.

Really. Then why weren't you
under the covers

before she got here?

I was trying to be
brave for you.

Health express
coming through.

-Here you go.
-CARRIE: Oh. Oh, thank you.

Enjoy.

Okay. I will.

Mmm.

What do you think?

Great. I'm feeling
better already.

HOLLY: Oh, Good, good.

Well, if you're
all set here,

I'm gonna take off.

Oh, um, Holly...

What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just
that I don't know

what I'm gonna do
for dinner tomorrow.

Oh, I've got more
of the noodle casserole

at home.

I could bring it by
if you want.

Yeah. I was thinking
something a little bit more...

main coursey.

Like? Like?

Like...

um, something with lamb?
You know?

Maybe those
tiny lamb chops?

I'm just throwin'
that one out there.

O-okay, yeah.
No problem.

I just have to
stop by the store.

And the ATM.

Oh, and, could you maybe
make something for Doug, too?

I feel so bad. I haven't
been able to cook for him.

Wh-what would he like?

Um, I don't know.
Maybe some pasta?

Caesar salad?

Oh...okay.

Um...

we have, um,
lamb chops

and pasta,
Caesar salad.

Oh, does that have
anchovies in it?

Usually does.
Do you want 'em?

Put 'em on the side.
[INDISTINCT] let me save it.

Anchovies
on the side.

And to drink?

-Is sprite okay?
-7-up?

-Okay. Okay.
-Great.

Sprite. [SNEEZES]

-Thanks.
-CARRIE: God bless you.

[NASALLY]
Sprite.

Hello, Spence.

Calling it a night?

Yep. I am beat.

I cannot wait
to get into bed.

I'm sure that will
give me great comfort

while I'm alone
on the platform

being stabbed.

It's perfectly safe
down here.

Although I think people
could pick up

after themselves.

If I was a betting man,

I'd say you couldn't
do that again.

I guess you'd lose,
then.

Hold it, son.

By any chance,

have you ever played
shuffleboard?

No.

Oh, I can't believe that.
You must have played before.

You have perfect form.

Look, I have a tournament
coming up.

I want you to
play with me.

No!

I told you
I don't play!

Anymore.

SPENCE:
The summer I turned 14

was a magical time.

I was the best junior
shuffle boarder in the city.

And my coach said,
"Sky's the limit."

College recruiters
were hounding me.

And the girls...

Hello, first base.

I had just gotten back
from a Goodwill tour

of the Iron Curtain
countries,

and I was on top
of the world.

Hey, Ma. I'm going to
the shuffleboard nationals

in Boca Raton.

Maybe I can win us
some prize money

and finally get us--

Mom?

Coach Wallach?

Hey, kid.

How you doing'?

That's great news,
Spencer.

Now be a dear,
and get mommy a Ginger ale.

[GLASS BREAKS]

That's a terrible story.

Although not exactly
a surprise ending.

On that day,
I put down my cue

and I will never
pick it up again.

Fine.

But do me one favor then.

Do you know
what this is?

Of course I do.
It's a regulation

Shuffleboard glove.

Put it on.

And if you still
feel the same way,

we'll never speak
of this again.

God, this just feels
so right.

[APPLAUSE]

Uh...

Arthur.

What's Spence doing here?

And why is he dressed
like Mitch Gaylord?

Ohh, there's no easy way
to say this, Douglas.

I'm making some changes
on Team Spooner.

Actually,
just one change.

He's in, you're out.

What are you
talking about?

Let's not
make a scene.

What about
all that talk

about me and you
against the world, huh,

holding up the foot powder,
winning this thing together?

I guess, the operative term
there was "Winning."

Look at him, Douglas.
He's beautiful.

Like he's genetically
bred to play the game.

Fine. You know,

You play with
your boyfriend,

but I got news for you,
old man.

I've been practicing
my game,

and you know what?
Here's a little taste

of what you're
gonna be missing.

MAN: Oh! My good hip!

THE RAMONES:
*Hey, ho, let's go*

*Hey, ho, let's go*

*Hey, ho, let's go*

*They're formin'
in a straight line*

[APPLAUSE]

*They're goin' through
a tight wind*

*The kids are losin'
their minds*

*Blitzkrieg Bop*

*They're pilin'
in the back seat*

*They're generatin'
steam heat*

*Pulsating to the backbeat*

*Blitzkrieg Bop*

*Hey, ho, let's go*

*Hey, ho, let's go*

*Hey, ho, let's go*

*Hey, ho, let's go*

Hey.

Hey, Hol, a little
late tonight.

I'm starving.

HOLLY: [NASAL] Okay. Um,
I have your Saffron Risotto

and your
Chilean Sea Bass

with Mango Chutney.

[SNIFFLES]

Wait a minute.
You didn't make me

your spring rolls?

Oh, no, no.

I couldn't find
any fresh crab meat,

and I know how you
hate the imitation.

Okay. You know what?

Don't you worry about it.

-HOLLY: Okay.
-Okay?

So, uh...I see you
went to work today.

Yeah, yeah. New job,
so I had to drag myself

-out of bed, you know?
-HOLLY: Yeah, yeah.

I see you also
dragged yourself

to Bloomingdale's.

What are you driving
at here, Hol?

HOLLY: No. Well, it's just
that, I mean,

if someone were to
walk in here, right now,

you know, they might think
that I was the sick one

and that you were
the well one.

That's all.

Well, I can't speak for you,
but I am sick.

What, should I be
sitting here

with a big red nose

and a thermometer
hanging out of my mouth?

A hot water bottle
right here?

This is what a sick
person looks like.

I mean--
No, no. It's just...

well, you bought
lingerie.

-I am sick!
-All right. Okay.

-All right, I'm sick! Okay?
-I know.

I got a new job.
It's very stressful.

It was a very difficult
time to be sick.

CARRIE: And I have you
calling me a liar?

No, I didn't mean
to call you a liar.

-And the only thing that was...
-I'm sorry.

making me feel better
was your cooking.

Okay. Okay.

I just really wanted
the spring rolls.

I'm sorry, I will do that.

I will--I will make
those spring rolls.

I just didn't know
where to get

the crab meat.

Well, you can get them
down by the docks

if you get there
when the boats come in.

Okay. Okay.
I'll do that.

Again, I'm really--
[SNEEZES]

-Sorry.
-Oh, my.

Ooh, you didn't breathe
on any of the food, did you?

No, no, I was careful.

-Okay. Okay.
-Okay. See you.

All right, Sweetie.

SPENCE: Hey, Ma!

You're not gonna
believe it.

I'm doing it.
I'm playing again.

I even got in touch
with my old coach.

He said he was gonna--

Mom?

Coach Wallach?

Oh, hey, kid,
how you doing?

Well, you're the one
who got back

in touch with him.

Be a dear and get mommy
a Ginger ale.

[GLASS BREAKS]

But the finals
are tomorrow.

You gotta play.

Come on,
stop blubbering.

So your mother
gets around.

What else is new?

Oh, the hell with you!

What, are you making
a sandwich?

What gave me away,
the bread, ham,

and mustard?

Big man scores again.

Anyway, eat up.

You need your strength.
Tomorrow's a big day.

Yeah? What's so
big about it?

Why, you and I
are in the finals

against Philip
and Warren.

Don't tell me
you forgot?

What are you
talking about?

You dumped me.

Dumped you? That
doesn't sound like me.

Wait a second.

That was Spence
on the phone.

He's out, and you
want me back in,

is that it?

Great. Now that
we're up to speed,

let's talk strategy.

What--what would
possibly make you think

I would come back

and help you
win this thing?

Why would I help you
do anything, huh?

You're right.

I'm sorry, Douglas.

I guess when you've failed
in as many things

as I have in life,

a basket of foot powder
looks like the Nobel prize.

I've lost that.

And now I've probably
lost you, too.

Well, good night.

All right, I'll play.

Really?

Yeah, but--
I mean, you realize

we're probably not
gonna win this thing.

Just you doing this
means I've already won.

Loser! I would've been
better off with an ape.

You said you didn't
care about winning.

You're dead to me.

DOUG: Same here!

Ahh, sweet relief.

[CHUCKLES]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Carrie, I have your jambalaya.

[COUGHING]

MAN [ON TV]:And two, and three.

And four. Come on.

Lift your hands.

CARRIE: Just leave it
on the counter there,

thanks Hol.

MAN [ON TV]:Come on,
keep [INDISTINCT] up. Come on.

And one, and two, and three,

and four.
Feel this burn. Feel this burn.

[SNEEZING]

MAN [ON TV]:And two, and three,

and four.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]