All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2004) - S06E12 - Dougie Houser_track3_[eng]

SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

[CHAIN SAW BUZZING]

MAN [OVER TV]:Yes, the billo
miracle saw has the power

to cut down this tree,

and yet it's precise enough

to make your own homemade
jigsaw puzzles.

[CHAIN SAW BUZZING]

MAN [OVER TV]:And if you call
within the next 10 minutes,

we'll send you this pair
of miracle safety goggles free.

-What are you doing?
-Quiet.

The miracle safety goggle
clock is tickin'.

Doug, what are you
gonna do with a chain saw?

What am I not gonna do?

Okay, you know what?
If you buy this chain saw,

I know for a fact I will
be bringing your thumb

to the hospital
in a Ziploc bag.

Hold. Crap.

I just saw an ad
for a miracle chain saw.

I need to borrow
some plastic.

Already ordering one.

Make it 2.

I think one's enough.

Sure, until we both need
to chain-saw something

at the same time.
Use your head.

All right. How about this
for a compromise?

Nobody gets
a chain saw, ever.

But I'm tired of
throwing my money away

on store-bought
jigsaw puzzles.

Yeah, and by the way,
you can't just tell me no.

Uh, yes, I can.

Uh, no, you can't.

Uh, yeah, I can.

We made that deal, remember?

What, that you can
just say no and--

and have control
over my entire life

and I got no say
whatsoever?

Yeah.

When did I
agree to that?

10 years ago
when we bought this house.

Oh, right.

And this is
the master bedroom.

His and her closets

so you don't have to deal
with his mess.

Honey, this is
perfect for us.

You're perfect.

-Oh.
-Mmm.

I, uh, take it
you two are newlyweds?

Yeah, 2 months.

And we're still
into each other.

[LAUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]
Anyway, um...

plenty of outlets, uh,

-and cable hookup's right there.
-Oh, no, no, no, no.

I don't believe
in TV in the bedroom.

Really, honey?

No. From the moment
we walk in that door,

it's about you,
me, and sharing.

-Mmm.
-Mmm.

-Oh!
-What's the matter?

Your mustache.
It tickles.

-Oh, does it?
-Yeah.

-Well, here comes some more!
-Stop!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Stop!

Ah. You're next, Nancy.

So what do you
think, sweetie?

Oh. I love
the finished basement.

Oh, crap, honey.

They're really
into this house.

Come on.

Dine-in kitchen.
Nice.

And we could put stools
at the counter

and eat our--

our, um--

how you doin'?

Hello.

Can I help you?

Oh. No.

-Nice place.
-Yeah.

Just the smell of
the upstairs bedroom...

and the neighbors,
right? Ooh!

What's wrong
with the neighbors?

They're skinheads.

-Really?
-Yeah,

the whole family.
Even the grandmother.

I--I just saw her outside
watering plants.

She seemed
very sweet.

She tried to sell me crack.
That's all I'm sayin'.

Hey, great. Well,
what's the address?

Uh-huh. All right.
Well, we'll meet there.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Hey, baby.
Who was that?

Oh, it's
our real-estate agent.

There's another house
she wants us to see.

Oh, okay. Well,
I don't think

we're gonna top the one
we already saw--

great price,
great neighborhood.

I know,
and that basement--

it's perfect
for my home gym.

I got my free weights
on one side,

all my cardio
on the other.

Well, don't
get too ripped, okay?

I like a little somethin'
I can grab on to.

I can't make
that promise.

Mm-hmm.

That is the table
I eat on.

-Hi, Dad.
-Hey, Arthur.

Look, when I told you kids
you could stay with me

after you gave up
the apartment,

I was glad to help out.

But for God's sake,
it's been 10 days.

Yes, we know,

and we may have
found a place.

ARTHUR: Good. Now hit me
with a martini.

CARRIE: You got it.

How was your day?

Let's just say being a
decorative ribbon salesman

isn't as glamorous
as it used to be.

Why? You didn't get
the winemaker's account?

Nope. They decided
to go high-tech

with elastic box bands.

Oh. Here you go.

Thanks.

If I could close
one big account,

I'd be on easy street.

No more trips
to hick towns upstate.

No more evenings locked

in the fleshy arms
of some spinster

just so she'll buy 2 spools
for her card shop.

Ahh.

And once again, I'm alive.

How you doin'? We're
here to see the house.

Are you
the Heffernans?

Yes. I mean, uh...

I am. He's--he's not.

I'm the Heffernan.

My wife--my wife's
meetin' us here.

Great. They're actually
selling the place furnished.

Take a look around.
I'll be right in.

Sweet mama, I'm home.

Pretty cool, man.
Hey, look at this.

Sunken living room.

Or you bring in a hose.
Boom! Indoor pool!

How great
are these stairs?!

Hey, check it out.
There's an intercom.

Oh, really?

-Yeah.
-Oh.

Uh, breaker,
breaker, Carrie,

big daddy's home.

Why don't you
go get yourself...

naked?

I'll have better stuff.
I love this place!

Shh, shh, shh.

Hey, you don't
want him to know

how much you love
the place.

He might jack
the price up.

Right. I gotcha.
Okay, good.

So what do you
think?

It's got
great flow, huh?

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.
You know what?

So does a tea bag, though,
and I don't wanna live in one.

And I gotta tell ya,

I'm not really lovin'
the neighborhood.

Actually, this is
a very desirable area.

Right across the street,

there's an excellent
elementary school.

Gee, I'm not sure
what you're implying,

but I already been
to elementary school.

What's this right here?

Oh, that's
the dumbwaiter.

You can send food

right up to
the bedroom.

I desperately
want this house.

-REALTOR: Well, great.
-DOUG: Is there any way

we can close the deal
by Saturday?

'Cause I'd really
love to barbecue.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, honey, hi.

What, are you
buyin' a house?

Notahouse,the house!

Can't you just see us
growin' old here, huh?

Um, can I talk to you
for a second over here?

Sure you don't wanna
join me in the love glove?

No. No,
I don't think I do.

You know what? I--I think
I'm gonna roll.

I'll see you later,
brainiac.

Um...

do you mind? Can we
have a minute, please?

Sure. Take
all the time you need.

Thank you.

What's the matter?
You don't like the place?

Um, well, it is groovy.

I will give you that.

But, uh, I thought we both
loved the other house.

The place was okay.
But this place

has got much better flow.

Not to mention
the intercom,

the spiral staircase,
the dumbwaiter,

and she comes furnished!

Um, honey, I love you,

and I love when you
get excited about things

like a house
or a new cereal,

but, um...

this is a really
important decision

we're making here.

I know it is.

The other house
was so perfect for us.

I mean, it had
the room we needed.

It was
in a quiet neighborhood.

It was close
to your work.

I mean, this house is--

it's fun, but it's
just not practical.

-Oh, really?
-Yeah.

Okay, let me paint
a picture for ya.

We're in that other house.
You're in bed.

You're in the mood
for pork chops.

Both your legs
are broken.

Okay.

Now coincidentally,

I'm down in the kitchen
frying pork chops.

The smell wafts up to you,
and you shout down to me.

But I can't hear you,

'cause we don't have
an intercom.

Now, it turns out
I'm a nice guy,

and I wanna get you
those pork chops,

so I go to send 'em up
in the dumbwaiter.

But we don't have one.

So, I walk the pork chops up to
you, but the house has no flow,

and I wind up in the basement,
and you starve to death.

Okay, here's the thing--

I mean, we could talk
about this all night.

But the other couple
is gonna make an offer

on that house,
and I don't wanna lose it

because of a dumbwaiter.

Okay, maybe you don't
understand what we have here.

This is a private elevator
for pork.

Yes, and I appreciate that.
But come on, honey.

This house is across
the street from a school.

Do you know how noisy
that's gonna be?

Carrie, listen to me.

Meat goin' up,
bones comin' down.

And then what about
when we have a baby?

You wanna carry a baby up
and down the spiral staircase?

Again, dumbwaiter!

Baby goes up.
Baby comes down.

All right.
Would you stop?

Now, look, we are gonna
buy that other house,

and we're
gonna be very happy,

and if
you can't survive

without pork chops
being hoisted up

to the bedroom, then we'll
string a bucket outside

the window for you, okay?

Good.
I'm glad that's settled.

And shave
that mustache off,

'cause you look
like a motorcycle cop.

Hey, homeslice.

What are you doin'?

Aw, nothin'.
Just, uh...

shavin' the 'stache.

Losin' the 'stache. Wow.

Yeah, I think
it's a little too, uh...

motorcycle cop.

Really? 'cause to me,
it was more

out-of-shape porn star.

So what's up with the house
with the dumbwaiter?

Oh, we're, uh,
actually making an offer

on another house.

Heh heh heh.
She beat you down, huh?

No. We had a discussion,

and she made a lot
of very good points.

This house is better.
You know, it's roomy.

It's close to here.
On a nice day,

I can actually walk
to work.

Heh. Walk to work. You don't
even like to walkatwork.

Admit it, man.
She beat you down.

Ain't no shame
here, baby.

She didn't
beat me down, okay?

I want that house, and I
wanna shave my mustache,

and we're not
getting a dog anymore.

We're gettin' a kitten,
'cause I think cats are fun.

Oh, my God.
What am I saying?

Cats are brutal!

And I want
my mustache back.

Doug,
it's--it's gone.

Oh, my God.
What am I doin'?

What's goin' on here?

I mean, everything was goin'
so great with Carrie.

She's always been
so sweet and fun,

and now all of a sudden,
she's, like rrrarrgh!

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I got that one

on my honeymoon.
Heh heh!

If Carrie's
like this now,

what's she gonna be like
10 years from now?

Something to think about.

10 years from now.
That's, like, 2004.

Don't be late
tonight, okay?

Remember, we have to go
to the ballet.

Actually, tonight I was thinking
about watching the Knick game.

[DOUG'S VOICE]
Rrrarrgh!

Good point.

All right. I gotta
get going to work.

All right. And pick up
your blue suit

from the dry
cleaners, okay?

I gotta wear a suit?

Yes, a suit, and your
uncomfortable shoes.

All right, fine.
I'll see you later.

Okay.

And pick me up
a loaf of bread!

[WHIRRING]

You know what?

This mustache
is staying.

Actually,
it's half a mustache.

Still staying.

Darling, the tide has
turned for Arthur Spooner

in the ribbon game.
With any luck,

this will be my best year

since the hostage crisis.

Great, Dad.
Well, what happened?

I realized, "why do I
need big department stores

when I can go
directly to the people?"

think about it.
Who wear ribbons in their hair?

Little girls.

And where do you find
little girls?

In the school yard.

Oh, boy.

It worked like a charm.

I'd beckon a little girl
off the swings

with the promise
of a candy treat,

and then I present her

with a beautiful
faux velvet ribbon.

They ran off
screaming, "Mommy!"

They couldn't wait
to tell their mother

about their encounter
with the ribbon man.

Dad, you can't do that.

Sure, I can.

And after
a nice snack,

I'm gonna hit
the parochial schools.

No, you won't!

You can't tell me
what to do.

I am doing it, okay?

Now, look, I gotta go
meet Doug at the house

to sign some papers.
You stay right there

until I get back.

Oh, and come here.
You have something

on your thing.
Okay, good.

-Hey, hey!
-These are mine now!

-You can't take my candy treats!
-I did it!

I'll get more!

CARRIE: And I took
your car keys, too!

Damn.
Needless to say,

you're dead to me!

Okay. This just confirms

that you're asking
for an 8-day inspection period

and 14 days
to secure your loan.

Why don't you
look that over?

I'll go grab
the termite report.

Okay, thanks.

Wassup?

Hey, babe. We got
a million papers

to sign here.

I want you to start
working on these.

Alrighty. Hmm.

Uh, babe? I think
you missed a spot.

No, don't think I did.
I'm starting a new trend.

I'm either gonna
call it half-stache

or upper lip surprise.

Doug,
what's going on?

What's going on?
I'll tell you what.

I was standing there
shaving my mustache

like you ordered me to,

when halfway
through the job,

Doug Heffernan showed up

and said, "What are
you doing, ass?!"

Okay. You want to
keep the mustache?

Keep the mustache.
It looks great.

No, it's not just stopping
with the mustache, okay?

I want that other house.

Wha--Doug, come on!

We've already
discussed this.

Now we're here
to sign papers

and make an offer
on this house.

No, we didn't discuss it.
You steamrolled me,

and I'm
not signing anything

until we talk
about it for real.

All right, fine.
You want to talk about it?

Let's talk about it.
Tell me why

we should buy
that other house

without using
the words

"pork chops"
or "dumbwaiter."

You know
that's impossible!

Then this discussion
is over.

Okay, fine! You know what?
Let's just go with the house

you want, all right?
Hey, and you know what?

Here's a great idea.

You told me once
you liked the name Mike.

So from now on,
my name's Mike.

All right? Oh, yeah, right.
You know what?

I should shave my mustache.

-All right, here we go.
-[BUZZING]

What the heck?
You know what?

Why stop
at the face, huh?

How about in here? Yeah!

Am I hairless enough
for you?

Smooth Mike! That's
what they're gonna call me!

[SQUEAKS] Nipple.

Doug, come on.

You just
have to trust me.

I just know
that I'm right

about this house.

[SHAVER CLANGS ON CHAIR]

All right, fine.

You know, I don't even know
what to say anymore.

I just thought
when we got married,

I mean, we were
like partners...

and you would
respect my opinion

or at least
pretend to.

I don't want to fight.
All right? I love you.

Okay? I don't care
where we live,

as long
as we're together.

Let's just do this.

No, stop, stop.

What?

Look...

Doug, I'm just--
I'm so used to being bossy,

you know,
with my dad, and...

I don't want to be
like that with you.

You're a smart guy,
and I love you.

You know what?
I want you to pick out

the house
that we buy.

Really?

Yeah.

Carrie, we're gonna
have a great life.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS,
KIDS SHOUTING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

Doug, food's here!

Sorry
it took so long.

There's, like, 50
school buses down there.

Ha, that would
make me nuts.

Would it?

Dad! Get away
from those little girls!

Oof!

Ohh! It's okay.
Just a rug burn.

Unh! We gotta remember
to cone this area off.

Uh, can we just eat up
in the bedroom, please?

It's much quieter
up there.

Yeah, no problem. Hey, we'll
just use the dumbwaiter.

All right. Here we go.

It's perfect.
A couple of iced teas

for my new bride.
[LAUGHS] All right!

All right, all right.

Oh, yeah!

She's moving!
She's moving!

Oh, we are eating
in no time!

Eating
in no time!

Oh, yeah.

Oh,
this is great.

[CRASH]

We're gonna need
a tiny cleaning lady.

Oh, no, no, no!
Don't cry!

I promise.

Every big decision
from now on you'll make.

You think?

That's how I learned
that little girls

are made of
sugar and spice...

and lies!

It worked out fine.

I mean, we got
our house.

Yeah. After 6 months

and an extra $19,000.

Uh-huh, mm-hmm.

Oh! Finally.

Uh, yeah. I'd like
to place an order

for the miracle
chain saw.

-Doug!
-What?

We said you'd make all
the major decisions.

This is
just a chain saw.

Ugh! Fine.

Uh, you can forget
about the saw,

but I'd like
to order 2 pairs

of the miracle
safety goggles. Yeah!

[WHIRRING]

Hey. Did you bring my bread?

-Here you go.
-Oh.

This is rye,
I asked for whole wheat.

[SIGHS]

[**]