All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2003) - S06E04 - Dreading Vows_track3_[eng]

SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow. I don't know
who this Brown Betty is,

but she knows her way
around an apple.

Can I have a bite?

-Oh, my God.
-I'll get it for you.

Mmm!

Mmm, that's good!

How great is this place?

The greatest!
Off the hook,

as the kids
like to say.

I mean, the ambiance,
the view.

I mean, look at the sun
going down over that bluff.

And you know, I've never
been a big fan

of the "sunset,"
but that's pretty great.

How lucky were we just
to stumble onto this spot?

Thank God
there was a shooting

at that waffle place.

Huh.

That was weird.

What?

I don't know. I--
when I kissed you,

my heart was beating
all fast,

and--I don't know--
felt all warm inside.

You think something
was wrong with the shrimp?

No.
Believe it or not,

I think it's love.

-Shut up!
-I'm serious!

And I'm not just saying it
to get sex from you.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I mean, if you started
doing stuff to me

under the table, I don't
think I'd stop you,

but...it's
not about that.

You know,
I feel like

I'm falling in love
with you all over again.

In fact, if we
weren't married,

I'd be proposing to you

-right here, right now.
-Ohh.

And you'd be looking
into my eyes saying,

"Give me a couple days
to think about it."

Stop!

Hey, you know,
I have an idea.

Eh, forget it.
It's stupid.

What?

I was just thinking,
you know, maybe we should

renew our vows, you know?

Have, like,
a whole ceremony here.

On the bluff.

-I don't love it.
-You don't?

I super love it!

Really? How great
is this gonna be?

We'll invite all
our friends, our family.

We'll get it catered. We'll have
someone playing the flute.

Hey, I can finally
get my monkey.

What's that, baby?

Remember at our wedding,
I always wanted to have

a monkey walk
down the aisle

and hand me
the ring.

Yeah. Yeah!

No reason you can't have
your monkey this time.

Sweet.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Darling, allow me
to hearken you back

to a bleak
December day

in the midst
of World War II

when a young
Arthur Spooner

saved the life
of a fellow soldier

named Rusty Bubbico.

Okay, is this
a random hearkening,

or are you going
somewhere with this?

Oh, I'm going
somewhere.

Okay.

We visited the red light
district one night,

and I fronted him
a prophylactic.

Gonorrhea was the flavor
of the month back then.

So, it's a love story?

It is now.

He gave me a fine
bottle of port wine

as his way
of saying thanks.

I've been saving it
all these years,

and I've decided
to give it to you two

on the day
you renew your vows.

Oh! That's very generous.
Thank you, Dad.

My pleasure,
darling.

Okay, Ma, well,
it's 3 weeks from today,

so you better start
working on a flight out.

We will Joe,
we should use our miles.

I'm sure that weekend
will be blacked out.

They always black out
the weekends

we want to use
the miles.

We'll be there
with bells on, darling.

Just like
that yogurt place.

They stopped taking
those punch cards

just before I was due
for my free cone.

It's all a scam.

Yeah, I'm sure
that the yogurt place

and the airlines
are in cahoots.

Focus, Ma. Okay?

You got your whole life
to talk to him.

Sorry, dear.
Listen, don't forget

to invite our friends
Smitty and Jules.

I don't even know
who they are.

You know
Smitty and Jules.

Okay, not only
don't I know them,

I don't even know
which one's the man

and which one's
the woman.

I'll tell them
to expect an invitation.

Okay, fine, Ma. All right,
I'll talk to you later.

-I gotta go.
-Okay, bye-bye, sweetheart.

All right, bye.

Now back to the important
stuff--finding us a monkey.

Monkey, monkey, monkey.

"Mirrors, money orders,
monograms, mufflers."

Where's monkey?

How does "monkey" not have like
two full pages?

Yeah, Doug, about
the whole monkey thing,

I was just thinking
that, you know,

maybe a vow renewal
monkey is a waste.

You know, maybe we should
save it for something

a little bit
more festive,

like a Cinco de Mayo
monkey.

You know,
get him a sombrero,

a little cap gun
six-shooter.

You know--pow!
You know?

Hmm. I don't know.
I don't know

if I feel comfortable

degrading a monkey
that way.

Let's--let's
just stick with the plan.

Okay.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[HUMMING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

It's open.

Arthur, you know
you shouldn't leave the door

unlocked like that I mean,

any freak can just
walk in off the street.

Very funny,
Um, I'm returning

Carrie's copy ofThe Hours.

Let her know I thought
it was haunting.

What have you
got there?

Bottle of port I'm giving
to Doug and Carrie

for their vow renewal.

It's my little way
of saying

how special
they are to me.

A Dugahno Novidade.
This thing's worth a bundle.

-Really?
-Oh, sure.

A member of
my wine enthusiasts club

bought one
for over $1,200.

-Oh, my God!
-Yeah.

You see, the reason
it's so rare

is that year,
there was an early frost,

so the grape harvest--

Message received,
stubby.

Why are you
so bent out of shape?

Don't you get it?

I promised to give this
to Douglas and Carrie.

Damn it. Why didn't
I just make

them another birdhouse?

DANNY: Wedding vow
renewal, huh?

What you plan
on doing,

you know,
best man-wise?

Is it gonna be
Deacon again?

Because at your wedding,
you picked him

and, you know,
not me,

and not that
I really cared,

but it was... weird.

Actually, you know what?
I'm not going with a best man.

Uh, hello!

Someone has to hand you
the wedding ring.

It's tradition.

Yeah. I'm having
a monkey do that.

What?

Yeah, I was gonna go
with a spider monkey,

and then I decided

you only get married
again once,

so I'm going
with a chimp.

That's your Cadillac
of monkeys.

Wait a minute here.
Hold on.

I lost out
on being best man...

to a monkey?

Not by much.

I can't believe this.

How can I help you?

Oh, okay, uh, well,

my wife and I,
we're renewing our vows,

and we need to rent some
chairs and tables and stuff.

Here's the date.
There's the time.

Now, do I need to leave you
a deposit or you--

First things first.

What kind of chairs
did you want?

Uh...

the kind you, uh,

sit on.

[CHUCKLES]

We offer 11
different styles.

Flat back, arched,
faux bamboo.

I'm obliged to also
mention beanbag chairs,

but I forbid you.

Sit down, and I'll
go get our catalog.

Okay.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

"The Beastie Boy"?

Oh, that's
my monkey guy.

Hello. Hey!

So we're good
to go on the 18th?

What?

Ohh. Can't
Fleischman Toyota

have their "going bananas"
sale without him?

Okay, fine. Um,
so I guess we'll go

with that
spider monkey.

Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.

Okay, then. Thanks.

I can't believe this.
I can't get my monkey.

Oh, can't you?

Well, maybe
I'm not available now.

-All right.
-No, no, I'll do it. I'll do it.

CARRIE: Yes, hi. I'm
looking for Maria Ferraro,

the flutist.

MARIA:This is she.
The flautist.

Hey, potay-to,
potah-to, right?

MARIA:It's flautist.

Right.

Anyway, my husband
and I were thinking

about hiring you
for our vow renewal,

and I was just wondering
if I could hear you

play
a little something.

MARIA:Well, the phone
isn't really the best medium.

Okay, either flaut
or get off the pot, okay?

[PLAYING FLUTE]

[RING]

Uh, hello? Would you
just hold on

for one second, okay?

Hello? Miss?
Yoo-hoo!

be right back.
Hello.

ARTHUR:Hi, darling.
I was just thinking

instead of that
stodgy old port wine,

how about if I float you
a delightful bottle

of peach schnapps?
Nearly full.

Well, Dad, I kind of
had my heart set

on trying the port.

Uh-huh. What about
if I throw in a canned ham?

All right,
I gotta go.

I'll talk
to you later. Hello?

DOUG:Hey, I need you
to decide on a table.

They have round, oval,
square, rectangle,

one in that
stop-sign shape--

I'm on the other line
right now, honey.

Listen, I am very close
to blacking out.

Please pick a shape.

I am on the other line
with the flute lady.

-Wait a second.
-No, I gotta go.

I'll talk to you
at home. Okay, bye.

That sounded great.

Hello?
You still there ?

Where are you?

I think the more
appropriate question

is where were you?

Oh, um, I'm sorry.
See, what happened--

[DIAL TONE]

Ugh! This party!

Are all flautists
bitches?

Because I know
3 of 'em are.

And the bakery won't
deliver to the bluff,

so we gotta
drive 25 miles

with a 4-foot-high cake
strapped to our hood.

And port-a-potties
are a fortune.

Can't we just tell
everybody on the invitation

to come having peed?

What's the matter
with you?

Mr. Bongo's a whore.

What?

He blew us off
because he got a job

working a Toyota dealership
with Phil Simms.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

Who would've thought
that a beautiful thing

like a vow renewal

would be such
a pain in the ass?

I know.

But you're still
into it, right?

Yeah.

I mean, if you are.

No, I am.

I'd be willing not to,
though, if you--

-Okay.
-Really?

-Yeah.
-Oh, my God!

I am so relieved!

We are killing
ourselves here.

Yes!

Oh, I'm so happy
we're not doing this.

-What were we thinking?
-I know!

I mean, we already did our vows.
We said 'em once.

They never go bad.
They're like Twinkies.

Right!

Hey, kids,
don't mind me.

Just dropping off
some literature.

Apparently, they found
a link between port wine

and irritable
bowel syndrome.

Oh, that's okay, Dad.

We decided not
to renew our vows.

Oh, well,
that's too bad.

Hot dog!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

-JANET:Dougie, it's mom.
-Hey, Ma.

I just wanted you
to know Smitty is diabetic

and is wondering
if you're gonna have

splenda packets
on the table.

Oh, well,
you can tell him...

or her not to worry,

because we're calling
the whole thing off.

-What?
-Yeah, you know what?

It just turned
into a huge pain,

and we just
decided to bag it.

Oh. I see.

Well, I'll tell Smitty,
and, uh,

that's that, then.

Okay, Ma,
then say hi to dad,

and I'll talk
to you soon.

-Good-bye, sweetheart.
-Bye.

Joe! The kids
are in trouble!

Hey, Carrie.

I need you to 3-hole-punch
this set of papers,

and 2-hole-punch
this set,

and remember to save
those little circles--

for New Year's Eve
confetti. I know.

You're the best.

Oh, by the way, I'm coming
solo to your vow renewal.

I figure
romantic setting,

why bring
an old cow along

when there are new calves
for the lassoing?

You didn't hear?

We canceled
the whole thing.

Oh. Sorry.
That's too bad.

Oh, no, no.
It's okay.

It just
became a hassle.

A hassle. Mm-hmm.

You know, Carrie,

we have a policy

for what we call
crisis leave.

Yeah, no, I know.

I remember from
when you took yours.

But, no, we're fine.
Doug and I are great.

We've never
been better.

Right.

Hey, kiddo.

I just heard you
called things off.

You okay?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yeah?

Talk to me, guy.

-Excuse me?
-Talk to me.

About what?

Talk... to... me.

Hey!

Look, I heard you
were canceling your vows.

I--I had no idea things
were this bad with you two.

It's not bad. What
are you talking about?

It just became a big
pain, that's all.

When I accepted your invitation
to be your best man,

I didn't just sign up for the
good times.

I consider it a responsibility,

and I take it very seriously.

You were supposed
to be a monkey.

Shh...

Easy...

It's me here.

Take off the mask.

[WHISPERING]
Let me see your face.

You know what? You're right.
You're right, man.

We should talk,
but, uh,

I'll tell you what.
These walls have ears,

so let's go outside
and do it out there.

-Oh, good call, buddy.
-Yeah, totally.

Ahem. Okay.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

So has anybody
bought my port?

We don't know
yet, okay?

This is
an on-line auction.

It could go on
for days.

Well, I can't
sit here for days.

I mean, the next 2
are fine, but on Thursday,

I'm sampling food
at Costco with Mickey.

Okay.

The current bid
is...

$1,350!

Mamaloshen!

Ohh. Hey, guys.

What are you doing
with my computer?

Oh, just, uh...

looking at pornography,
sweetheart.

Well, good luck
with that.

Thank you.

Supermarket
knockoff Advil now!

What's wrong
with you?

Oh, work was crazy.

I mean, ever since we
canceled renewing our vows,

everyone thinks
our marriage is in trouble.

They were all like,
"Are you okay?

We're here for you,
sweetie."

It's so
freakin' annoying.

I got the same thing
from Danny,

and the chair guy
invited me out for sushi.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

You know what?
Let the machine get it.

It's probably just Danny
reminding me hugs are free.

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

JANET:Dougie,
it's your mother.

I'm gonna try and say
this without crying.

Every marriage
has its potholes...

Oh, God.
It's spread to Florida.

JANET:And marriage
can be a long

and wonderful winding road.

All right,
you know what?

Should we just
go through with this

to stop
this madness?

What, are you crazy?
We're not gonna do it

just to prove
something to people.

Doug, I can't live
like this anymore!

JANET:And when trouble
comes into that home--

JOE:Oh, for the love
of Pete!

Will you
leave them alone?

JANET:Go back
to your program, Joe!

This is a private
conversation.

When you have trouble,

all you need to get through
it is faith in each other

and in God.

Oh, great. Now she's got
God in the middle of this.

That's
a lot of firepower.

All right, all right,
we'll do it!

Ma, Ma, yeah.
Don't worry.

You know what? We're
gonna renew the vows.

Well, I'm glad
you're happy.

Okay. Bye.

That's a kick
in the oblongs.

And it's because of
the love that you two share

that you've chosen
to come together

at this blessed renewal
of your wedding vows.

-Am I correct?
-Hmm?

Oh. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful
thing, beautiful.

Well, now, are you planning
on writing your own vows?

Gotta be honest
with you, father.

Whatever you
got handy is fine.

Yeah, we'll just
take the standard vows,

and we'll fill in all the
personal stuff, likemad libs.

Uh, Doug, uh, Carrie,

you do realize that
this is a vow renewal.

You don't
have to do this.

Oh, no, no, no,
we have to do this.

Yeah, 'cause everyone
we know is all over us

'cause
of her great idea.

Whoa, whoa!

You're not trying to blame
me for this, are you?

All I'm saying is if you
hadn't thought of it,

my mom wouldn't be crying
into our answering machine.

Oh, please,
would you?

I'm gonna go get the...

Affirmation
of lovepamphlet.

First of all, the only
reason why I thought of it

in the first place is 'cause
you were going on and on

about how much "In love"

you were with me
at the restaurant.

And the only reason
I was saying I was "In love"

with you is because
you got me drunk

and promised me
a monkey.

Oh, yeah, Doug, and that was
a brilliant idea--

take our sacred
wedding vows

and turn it into
a friggin' circus!

I knew it. You've always
hated my monkey!

From the beginning!

Ya think?

Doug, Carrie.

I have a young, happy couple
waiting right outside.

Oh, sorry, father, we'll--

-We'll lower our voices.
-Yeah.

I was wondering if you guys
could, uh, just...

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

She's
45 minutes late.

I don't think
she's coming.

The girl's
just a little late.

Scatterbrained
is all she is.

I'm not so sure.
Pray with me, Joe.

She'll be here!

You don't know that!

Poor kid.

You know, I saw the
whole thing coming.

Everyone did.
She's been so stressed.

I heard her yell at a flautist.

Youch.

This is unbelievable.

You all right, man?
You need anything?

Hey! Step off, pal.

I'm the best man.
You had your chance.

I was just gonna ask him if he
wanted another soda.

Yeah, well, now I'm gonna ask
him if he wants another soda.

You want another soda?

-No.
-No. He said no. All right.

Take a stroll, babe.
Buh-bye.

Well, folks, looks like Douglas
has been left at the altar.

Let's form
an orderly line

and walk away
from the bluff,

and any gifts
you may have brought

are obviously
yours to keep.

Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa!

I haven't been left
at the altar!

Okay? Carrie'll
be here.

Our relationship
is fine!

It's great!

All right,
look, it's not great.

Okay, we're in a huge fight
right now.

I'm sure
that's why she's late.

But the only reason
we're in a big fight

is because of all of you!

That's right,
you, Mom, and Dad

Danny and Smitty

or Jules,
whichever one you are,

and... girl from Carrie's office
whose name I just don't remember
right now.

-Amy.
-Yeah, Amy. Wow.

I was thinking Darla.
I was way off.

But the point is,
this is all your fault, okay?

So don't judge us.
We didn't want to do this.

We're just doing this
for you.

Joe, look!

Oh, damn it.

Sorry I'm late. I had
to make a pit stop

at Fleischman Toyota.

You brought my monkey.

Here's the ring.

And, uh, here's
a toast I wrote.

Listen, Doug, I heard
everything

you were
saying to everyone,

and I want to tell you
that I'm not doing this

for any of them.

I'm doing this for us,

'cause I love you

very much.

Now take the monkey,
'cause he smells.

[PLAYING FLUTE]

Friends, relatives,

we are gathered
here today

for the blessed renewal
of the wedding vows

of Doug and Carrie.

Son of a bitch.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]