All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2003) - S05E19 - Cowardly Lyin_track3_[eng]

* My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I wanna do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

So I'm working the counter
at the bowling alley,

and Spence returns
his shoes.

And I'm about to spray them,
and he says, "Don't bother."

Then he pulls out this
little travel shoe sprayer,

like he's James Bond
or something.

I had to ask him out
right there on the spot.

Well, you're only
human, right?

Actually,
most women are turned on

by his asthma inhaler.

But for me,
it's always been the bite plate.

Anyway, since then,
it has been

a month of heaven,
right, cutie?

Mm-hmm!

Except for...
the incident.

Uh-oh!

Denise bought me
the ugliest contact paper

for my kitchen
drawers.

It's adorable!

Hey, it's not.

But if teddy bears
wearing aprons

is what you like,
then I support that

because that's
part of who you are.

Just like line dancing
is part of who you are.

Exactly!

Plus, there are plenty
of things we both like.

Like...

-La boheme!
-La boheme!

They're a cute couple, but they
just turned a bad corner.

I wanted to see
La boheme.

I love the opera.

Since when?

Uh, since I was a kid

and I sawRigoletto

after Sarette
Hornblass' Bat Mitzvah.

Okay, I didn't understand
one word in that sentence,

and I'm not going.

Doug, I felt
the same way as you

until I saw it.

I mean,
I went to mock,

I stayed to rock.

Please don't make me go.

All right, boys,

time for
a little moo shu

and some
March Madness.

That's what
I'm talking about.

College hoops tourney,
my favorite time of year.

Okay, let's fire
this sucker up.

Who we got,
who we got?

Okay, it's 5:00.

We got Southern Illinois
vs. American Samoa.

Who do you like, Deac?

I think this
is Samoa's year.

Yeah.

Keep it down a sec,
guys,

I got a message
here.

CARRIE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]:
Hey, hon, it's me.

Listen, one of the partners
can get me

2 free tickets tonight
forLa boheme.

I have to let him know
by 6:00

or he's giving them
to someone else.

I promise
you'll have a good time.

Call me before 6:00, okay?
Love you, bye.

[BEEPS]

Damn it!

Hey,La boheme.
Good for you.

Know what
I'm doing tonight?

Not seeingLa boheme.

You know what?

I'm not seeing it,
either. I just--

I gotta think of
a way out of this.

Why don't you
just tell Carrie

you're watching oops,
you don't feel like going.

Yeah,
that's a good idea.

The only problem
is I don't want

one of her boots
in this area.

Well, then, you're
going to the opera, boy.

You best
get your mind right.

Wait a second.
I can't go to the opera

if I never heard
Carrie's message, right?

And I couldn't have
heard her message if...

I was working late!
That's it!

Get everything up, guys.
We're out of here.

Go! Clean it up!

What? I just rolled
my first moo shu.

Yeah, well,
you know what?

You can eat it
on the bus ride home, all right?

We gotta get this room
looking exactly

like it was
when we walked in.

Come on, let's go!

That's it. Next time,
we're watching TV

-at the divorced guy's house.
-Yeah, right.

You know what?
Don't forget anything, too.

Carrie's got eyes
like a hawk.

-All right.
-Oh, man.

Okay. Come on, let's go.

Hey, hey, Deac,
hand me a napkin.

There's a little
plum sauce on the table.

Whoa! Hold it!

Wait a second.

Okay, that's not plum sauce.
That's jelly from yesterday.

That stays.
Let's go, let's go!

Answering machine!

What about it?

Oh, my God. The light's
not flashing anymore.

Carrie's gonna know
I checked the message.

And we're back
at the opera.

No. No, no, no, no, no!

Deac, call me
on your cell phone.

Leave a message.
The light will flash again

and both messages
will play as new.

I don't want to get
in the middle of this.

I'm kind of fond
of this area.

Fine, then,
Danny, you do it.

Really? Thanks.

Okay, so, uh,
what do I say?

I don't know. Just say,

"Doug, it's Danny.
Call me later."

Well, what am I
calling about?

It doesn't matter!

You know what, I can't
watch this anymore.

Thank you.

Gotta get me
some grown-ass friends.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

DOUG:Hey, you've
reached the Heffernans.

-Leave a message.
-[MACHINE BEEPS]

Hey, man. Sorry you got
roped into the late shift.

Listen, remember to bring
my Coltrane CD to work tomorrow.

I gotta--
Kirby, I told you

to quit unbuckling
Major's car seat!

Boy, I will pull over and leave
your behind on the B.Q.E.!

That's what you want, huh?

You want to live
on the highway?

That all right?

I got chills.

Doug? Doug!

Hey, hon.

Are you just
getting home now?

Yeah. I got stuck
with the late shift

at the last minute.

What you got there?
The mail?

Yeah. I left you
a message earlier today.

I could've gotten us
La bohemetickets for tonight

from one
of the partners.

Aww. Well,
there's nothing

I could've done
about it.

Nick Faruno's wife
went into labor.

Just what we need,
another one of him

in the world, huh?

Ugh! God.

We, uh,
get any messages?

Well, I know
there's one from me.

CARRIE:
Hey, hon, it's me.

Listen, one of the
partners can get me--

[BEEPS]

DEACON:Hey, man.
Hey, sorry you got roped

into the late shift.
Listen, remember

to bring my Coltrane CD

to work tomorrow.
I want to--

Kirby, I told you
to quit unbuckling

Major's car seat!

Boy, I will pull over
and leave your behind

on the B.Q.E.!
That what you want, huh?

You want to live
on the highway?

[DOG BARKS ON ANSWERING MACHINE]

-[BEEPS]
-Hmm.

You ask me,
that kid could use

a little taste of
highway life, huh?

Knock the sissy
out of him.

W-what are you
doing?

I just want to--

I just want to hear
something again.

DEACON:Leave your
behind on the B.Q.E.!

That what you want,
huh?

You want to live
on the highway?

[DOG BARKS ON MACHINE]

Hey, did you know there's
another outlet over here?

Come here, you gotta check
this out! It's wild! 3-prong!

DEACON:You want to
live on the highway?

-[DOG BARKS]
-[BEEPS]

Hey, let's go
get pizza right now,

like 2 crazy kids. Come on,
let's go right now, huh?

Who's hungry for fun?

Wh-what are you doing?

[DOG BARKING]

That was
Pepper barking

on that message.

Deacon didn't
call from his car.

He called from
inside our house.

No, no, no. You know
what probably happened?

Pepper probably got out

and was chasing
Deacon's car on the highway.

Damn it,
keep your gate closed!

I gotta go talk to them.

Doug, Deacon left us
a phony message.

Why would he do
that?

Shh. We're both tense.
Let's get that pizza.

Doug, what the hell
is going on here?

Shh. I don't know.

Doug, tell me what
the hell is going on,

or so help me,
I will kill you.

And I don't mean
that funny,

"Oh, my God!
I'm gonna kill you."

I mean I will
stop your heart!

Okay, I was home.

Okay, I heard
your stinking message.

I had Deacon
leave another one

so the light
would flash again.

Then I left
and I waited in the car

till you got home.

So you would rather

sit in the car
for 3 hours

then in a theater
for 2?

It's the opera! They sing
every word in foreign!

Oh, my God!

Carrie!

Do me a favor--
get away from me.

But it was
my only way out!

It wasn't
your only way out, Doug.

If you were a grownup,
you would just say,

"Carrie, I don't want
to go to the opera,"

and that would've
been the end of it.

I did that, and it
wasn't the end of it.

It's never
the end of it

until you crush
me to dust!

Oh, I crush you
to dust.

Doug, I can barely
roll you off my arm

when we're sleeping.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I got a couple
pounds on you,

no argument there.

But don't you
kid yourself.

You're the one
who rules this relationship.

Oh, I rule the relationship.

How do I rule the relationship?

With fear.

I'm scared
of you, yeah.

Hmm.
You're scared of me.

Yeah, I said it.
And, frankly,

I'm a little scared
that I said it.

You know, you are
so full of crap!

Not crap. Terror.

Terror?
You know what, Doug?

I don't think
this has to do

with you being scared
of me at all.

No, this
has to do with you

being a big selfish baby
and trying to cover it up.

Because
I'mscaredof you!

Anyway, you think
I like having

to lie all the time?

I mean, except for our marriage,
I'm a pretty honest guy.

So this lying,
you do it all the time?

No.

Yes, yes, I do.

Like when?
Give me an example.

All right,
um, well, you know,

when you were upset

at the guys
at the car wash

because you thought
they shorted out

our power seats?

-Yeah.
-Actually, that was me.

I was working
2 buttons at once

trying to get it
to buck.

LikeUrban Cowboy,
you know.

But I got a letter
of apology from Enrique.

That was me
writing lefty.

I knew"gracias"wasn't
spelled with a "z"!

Okay, what else?

All right, well, uh,

often I enjoy
a pre-dinner Whopper

on my drive home.

-Hmm.
-Yeah.

And you know why
you don't smell it on me?

'Cause I change uniforms
in the garage.

Yeah, yeah, because of you,

I gotta stash uniforms
all over this place.

Wow!
That one's deceitful

and self-destructive.
Kudos!

Oh, Carrie,
come on, all right?

I do what I gotta do
to keep this

marriage running
smoothly, okay?

You just see
the sausage.

You don't see
how it's made.

Are you listening
to yourself?

I mean, I'm not
the scary one here.

Nuh-uh!
You're the scary one.

-I am?
-Yeah.

Oh, yeah?
Then how come

they didn't make
a horror movie

calledDoug?
Huh?Carrie?Yeah!

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

I hope
this isn't a bad time.

Oh, no. No, no, come in.

OK, I just want
to go over my bill

for walking your dad
like we discussed.

I don't want you to think
I cook the books or anything!

-Sure.
-Okay.

On the 15th, I have
a charge for 89 cents

'cause I bought biscuits
for the other dogs

and Arthur got jealous
and demanded marshmallow Peeps.

Um, Holly,
can I ask you a question?

I know, when did
the price of Peeps go up?

I was stunned!

Do you find me...

scary?

You know, I'll just pay
for the Peeps myself.

No, no, Holly, come on,
I really want to know.

Just be honest with me.
I mean, how do you feel

when you're around me,
like right now?

[TREMBLING]
Happy?

Hey, well,
I'm lookin' right at ya,

and I'm not seein' happy.

I-I can do better. Watch.

-Happy!
-Holly, come on!

I just need you
to answer the question.

I mean, is that
too much to ask?

I think we've been
pretty damn good to you!

-Oh, God, are you gonna fire me?
-No, I'm not gonna fire you.

I just need you
to answer the question.

-What?!
-Am I scary?

-No!
-Holly!

Yes! Yes! You're terrifying me!

You've terrified me
since the day we met!

Thank you.

Here's Carrie!

[WARILY] Hi.

Relax.
I come in peace.

Really? You're
not mad anymore?

No.

Look, I'm sorry.

I said some really
rough things last night

because I was
flailing, but...

you're great.

Well, you know,

I can be scary
sometimes,

and I really don't like that
about myself.

Yeah,
but I'm very selfish,

and my lying has gotten
way out of control.

But you know what it is?
Sometimes we just--

we bring the worst
out in each other,

and it doesn't have
to be like that.

I mean, we could
have a more honest

and supportive
relationship

if we were willing
to work on it.

Sign me up for that.
Mm-wah!

-Doug?
-Yeah?

I thought
we were gonna work on it.

Now?

Yes, now!

Oh. Okay. Well...

-Let's work on it.
-Okay.

What do we do?

Well, um, well,
why don't you

try telling me
the truth about

something you would
normally hide,

and I will
try to respond

without making you
poop yourself.

All right, uh...

Oh, let me see. Okay,
our--our Visa bill.

Have you--have you
looked at it yet?

No.

Okay, well, there's
a charge on here

from a video store
for "G.G.W."

That stands for
Girls Gone Wild.

Uh-huh.

Now, I was planning

on telling you
that "G.G.W."

stood for
George Washington.

And what were you
planning on telling me

the middle "G"
stood for?

-Gary.
-Gary. Okay.

Well, I'm
just curious, Doug,

in a, you know,
supportive,

non-scary way,
of course,

why you would purchase
aGirls Gone Wildvideo

in the first place?

That's a good question,

and I support
that question.

Mm-hmm.

There's something about
the "going wild" process

that fascinates me.

Right, right, right.

I mean, because
I could understand

why guys who aren't married
to attractive women

would want to buy
that video, but...

You know
what I'm saying?

-Ha ha ha!
-You do?

-I do, I do.
-Okay, okay.

And yet
I don't know...

Okay. Ahem.

So, where is this video?

It's in the My Fair Lady box.

Okay. Well...

thank you
for telling me.

Thank you for
not getting upset.

No problem.

One other thing.

Yeah?

I'm gonna go to race
car driving school.

I'm sorry?

Yeah. Jimmy from work,
his uncle runs a place.

It's every Saturday
for, like, a few months.

Okay. And what lie
were you planning on telling me

every time you snuck
out of the house?

I hadn't thought
of it yet.

Probably something
medical, you know.

Well, Doug...

Little scary
on the "Doug" there.

Doug...honey...

I can't support
your race car driving

because I would
rather support

your continuing
to live.

I respect that,
and I would ask

that you would
support me anyway

because that is what
a supportive relationship

indeed is.

Hmm. Okay.

And in that same
supportive vein,

would you go
toLa bohemewith me?

No, but thank you
for asking.

Gee,
it was so sweet of you

to invite me
to lunch, Carrie.

Well, you're
dating Spence,

and he's our friend,
so, you know.

Oh, so is this
like a tradition?

Like, when Spence
gets a new girlfriend

you take her to lunch
to check her out?

Actually, it hasn't
come up that much.

No. Yeah, no,
I just wanted

to pick your brain
about something.

Oh, well, fine.

Just a leave a little
for me. Heh heh heh!

Right.
Right, right, right.

Listen, I noticed
that you and Spence

really respect and support
each other.

Oh, yeah. Um,
in our relationship,

that's job one.

Okay, you see,

now, I've been trying to do that
with Doug recently,

and I gotta admit--
not loving it.

Well, I guess I feel
that way sometimes a little,

but I just
deal with it.

How?

Well, like,
for instance,

this Sunday
is our 6-week anniversary,

and, um,
Spence is missing it

to go to his
Dark Shadowsconvention.

But I'm okay with that because
I know it's important to him.

Dark Shadows?
What is that?

Um, it was, like,
a soap opera a long time ago

with, um, vampires,
I think.

But, um, like I said,
I'm okay with it

because I know
it's important to him.

You see,
that's what I'm talk--

I wish I could
be like that.

I mean, if it was
my boyfriend, I'd say,

"You selfish jerk!

"You're gonna spend
our anniversary

"with a bunch of
dorks dressed up

"like Count Chocula?

"Okay, freak, have a good time,
because when you get back,

I'm gonna punch your fangs
down your throat."

Oh, well. Can you
pass the ketchup?

I don't know
what got into her.

Suddenly, I gotta miss
theDark Shadowsconvention

for our 6-week
anniversary,

and she threatened to punch
my fangs down my throat.

It was
very disturbing.

Something wrong
with your Whopper?

No. Why?

Because
it's still there.

You know what it is?
The pre-dinner Whopper

was my favorite part
of the day,

but now that I don't
have to hide it from Carrie,

it's just a gross,
disgusting habit.

It was always that.

I know, but all the hiding,
all the deceit,

that's what
made it so great.

I gotta tell you,
I miss the thrill of the dance.

You know,Dark Shadows
is notStar Trek.

I mean, they don't have
conventions every week.

If I miss this one,

I'm looking
at a 3-year dry spell.

I cannot survive
in just the chat rooms!

Will you quit bitching
about it already?

Hey, I blew 70 bucks
on a Barnabas Collins costume,

and now it's worthless!
It's just worthless.

So go to the stupid
convention.

I can't!
Denise'll hate me.

Please, this is
so easy to pull off.

What are you
talking about?

You just have somebody
from work call you,

and you make sure
Denise picks up.

Then the work friend
pretends to be

from theDark Shadows
Convention,

says she's sorry to hear
you're canceling.

Denise'll
be so touched,

she'll think you're
the greatest guy in the world.

A few days later,

you have
the same person call,

leave another message
saying she's sorry,

but they can't refund your money
like they thought.

Denise'll feel so bad,

she'll send you there
in a freakin' limo.

That was brilliant.

I know.

-CARRIE: Hey.
-Hey.

Did you have
a good afternoon?

Yeah. How about you?

Yeah, I did.

Well, I see you--
you had a Whopper again.

Um, no, actually,
I didn't have a Whopper.

What are you
talking about?

I am staring directly
at a piece of lettuce,

and the only lettuce
you let come near you

is on a hamburger.

You know, I was thinking
about what you said,

and you're right.
I should start eating healthier,

so I, uh...
I got a salad.

-A salad?
-Yeah.

Ohh. What kind of salad?

Insalata Primavera.

So you only
had a salad today?

That's all.

Hmm. Oh!

What's this ketchup
packet doing here?

I made my own
Russian dressing.

What kind of salad
you say you had again?

Insalata Primavera.

Insalata Primavera. Okay.

Excuse me.

-Uh, Doug?
-Yeah?

If you're lying,

I will find out,
and I will kill you.

[CHUCKLES]

I know you will, honey.
I know.

Okay.

Hmph.

And we're back.

You get
some slut from work

to make fake phone
calls for you?!

What kind of an idiot
do you think I am?!

If you ever pull a stunt
like that again,

I will beat you to within
an inch of your life!

Yeah!

MAN [OVER TV]:
Fort Lauderdale!

Full of coeds
and possibilities!

-Hey, what's your name?
-LONNIE:Lonnie.

MAN [OVER TV]:
Looking good!

Doug, this is not
Terms of Endearment.

Oh, crap.

[**]