All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2003) - S05E12 - Jung Frankenstein_track3_[eng]

* My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I wanna do*

*Is cash my check and
drive right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

[**]

-Morning, Chief.
-Hey, Artie.

Whoa. Whatcha makin' there?
A stack of flapjacks?

Batter pies? Griddle hoppers?

Yes, or as we like to call
them on this planet--

-pancakes.
-Oh.

-You, uh--you want some?
-No, thanks.

Those things
cork me up pretty good.

Hey.

Pancakes?!

-Yeah.
-Sausage, too?

What--what happened
to your diet?

Uh, not sure,
really.

I think it got lost
in the shuffle

somewhere
around Tuesday.

Well, for God's sakes,

eat a light lunch today,
will you?

What is
the point of that?

You can't
resurrect a diet

on a Friday afternoon.
It's crazy.

Just eat light, okay?

The Finkels are taking us
to a nice restaurant

before the theater tonight.

Finkels? The theater?

What just happened
here?!

I told you
about this last week.

Sandy Finkel works for
one of the senior partners,

and she likes me,
and it's good for me

to have a friend upstairs.

For that I gotta sit
through an entire play?

What are we seeing anyway?

The Iceman Cometh.

What?!

How do you even know
you won't like it?

Cometh,Carrie,cometh!

[**]

Hey, man.

What have you got there,
a salad?

Yeah, I'm eating light.
I got a dinner thing tonight.

What's going on here?

Egg-roll-eating
contest.

That's your seat, Mary.

ACTOR: It's the best time
of a man's life.

SECOND ACTOR: Great thing
about you, Harry,

how young you've stayed.

Get my things
from the laundry.

They must still have 'em.

What the hell
is going on in there?

I'm sorry. My stomach's
a little upset.

A little?

You're making this place
smell like a refinery.

The Finkels are staring.

Look, I'm trying
to burp towards you.

-Gee, thanks so much.
-Okay, look,

I had some not-great
egg rolls for lunch, okay?

I told you to eat light.

How many did you have?

16.

16?

It was a contest, okay?

And I won
by a landslide,

not that
you even care, okay?

[SIGHS]

Okay, you know what?
Stop doing that.

I--I can't help it.

-Help it.
-I can't, Carrie!

I ate 5 pounds
of deep-fried cabbage,

my pants are too tight,

I'm sitting in
a hot, enclosed space.

It's the perfect storm.

Then just go home.

-Really?
-Yes.

I will make an excuse for you.

Just take the subway,

-and I will see you later.
-Okay, I love you.

-Get lost.
-Okay.

ACTOR: Same applies
to Harry himself

and his 2 cronies
at the bar.

Okay.

[**]

[SPORTS PLAYING ON TV]

[DOOR OPENS]

-[CARRIE SIGHS]
-[WHISTLE BLOWS ON TV]

-ARTHUR: Hello, darling.
-Hey, Daddy.

Hey, sorry
I had to bail tonight,

but definitely
the right move.

Things got a lot worse
on the subway.

What is that?

This? A Yodel.

A Yodel?

Yeah, a Yodel.

Not to be confused
with the very similar,

but far less satisfying Ho Ho.

So let me
get this straight.

You had to walk out
on me tonight

because you ate yourself
into a burping stupor,

and now you're stuffing
your face

full of chocolate-covered
lard?

It's not lard.
It's cream,

and it's gently
coating my stomach.

You think this is funny?

No.

It's ironic?

I mean, I can't even
get mad at you anymore, Doug!

You're just--
you're pathetic!

Until you get yourself some
help, don't even talk to me.

Get myself some help?
What does that even mean?

What does it mean?

You need therapy,
Doug.

You need
a trained professional

to sit and talk with you
and help you understand

why you live your life
like a raccoon

in a dumpster.

How can you eat that

after what
she just said?!

She's just upset, okay?

I'm going back
on my diet tomorrow.

Oh, yes. "I'll fix
everything tomorrow."

The all-too-familiar
refrain of the addict.

-Addict? Come on.
-No, I won't come on.

You got a serious
problem, young man,

and you
gotta face it.

Okay, I wasn't gonna
eat it that time.

Listen to me, Douglas.

I know
from whence I speak.

I've had the monkey
on my back, too.

That's right.

Arthur Spooner
was addicted.

To what?

-Nasal spray.
-All right.

I'm telling you, with
that sweet stuff in me,

I could breathe
through my nose

like I never
dreamed possible!

[SNIFFS]

Fantastic feeling.

And I chased that feeling
through 8 jobs and 2 marriages.

If it wasn't for methadone,

I'd be on it to this day.

[**]

So, basically,
this process involves

taking a journey into
your early childhood traumas

to discover
and hopefully modify

the unconscious desires
that cause you to overeat.

Right, right.
And is this something

that could be wrapped up
today, or...?

Well, you were 15 minutes late,
so probably not.

Tha--uh...[SIGHS]

I'm getting the impression
that you don't have

a lot of confidence
in this process.

It's just that,
you know, I kind of think

that if I ate less and
hopped on a treadmill,

it might help more
than sitting here

staring at a bowl
full of Hershey Kisses.

May I?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I meant to put those away.

It's just my--my tax guy
was here earlier,

and, well, he likes
to have something sweet.

Uh, Doug,

when you eat those,

can you tell me just--
what are you feeling?

To be honest,

like they're a couple
Halloweens past their prime.

Um...

but I was more wondering when--
when you're--when you eat,

how do you feel
emotionally? Uh...

do you think
that you seek out food

when you're angry,
depressed, elated?

-Yes, I do.
-Oh, which?

Those, the ones
you just said there.

But I would add to the
list scared and bored.

Scared and bored.

And itchy.

And itchy.

[**]

[SOFTLY] No!

So. Huh? Huh?
Check it out.

Another
healthy breakfast?

You're a madman.

And watch this.

I'm full, so now
I'm gonna stop.

You know, I've heard
about people doing that,

but I always thought
it was just urban legend.

Honey, I am
really proud of you.

So this therapy,
it's working, huh?

Oh, yeah. In fact,

Dr. Wagner's got me
keeping a food journal.

Helps me connect
my emotions to my eating.

Yeah? May I?

All right,
but don't laugh,

'cause some of it's
a little fruity.

Let's see here.

Uh, "Thursday, 9:30 A.M.

"Thinking of stopping
for a cheesesteak.

"Feeling depressed
and humiliated

because Supervisor O'Boyle
called me a..."

What's this?

"Llama ass"?

-It's "Lame-ass."
-Ah!

"A lame-ass in front
of the other drivers,

"but I'mnota lame-ass,

and I don't need
that cheesesteak."

-Good for you, baby!
-Thank you.

"10:07 A.M.: Wanted
a sausage calzone.

Got one and ate it."

That was just
the first day.

I didn't wanna
shock my system.

I gotta tell you, honey,
I mean,

I've seen
you diet before,

but you've got a different
look in your eye this time.

Yeah. Yeah. This time
it's the real deal.

I can feel it.
Just don't let me lose

too much weight, 'cause...

I don't have
a thin-guy head.

I'm on it.

[SOFT JAZZ PLAYING]

This is it.

This is where
the magic happens.

Oh, I am liking
what I'm seeing.

Actually, the magic
happens in there.

This is basically
the "looney bull pen."

-Hi, Doug.
-DOUG: Hey, Dr. Wagner.

This is my wife
Carrie.

-Hi.
-Pleased to meet you.

-Oh, same here. Thank you.
-Hey, we just went out

to dinner and guess what?
She ate more than me.

Yeah. I had a salad,
half a sandwich,

-and an iced tea.
-Who is this guy?

[LAUGHS] I don't know.
I have no idea.

So, you all set
to--

Yeah. I'm just gonna
use the men's room.

And then you go back
to work on me.

This guy, I'm telling you,
he's amazing.

I wish--I wish I had more
problems for him to fix,

I'll tell you
that much.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[SIGHS]

You've got
a good man there.

Yeah, good man. Question.

Uh, do you have a sec?

I--I suppose so.

Yeah, okay.

Uh...

what if Doug did
have other problems to fix?

You know, hypothetically,

could you just kind
of throw those in there

while you're talking
about the weight thing?

Uh, sure, of course.

I mean, my job
is to steer the ship

wherever the patient
needs it to go.

Yeah, you know where you might
wanna steer things?

Doug's TV problem.

He watches it a lot,

kinda got a zombie thing
goin' on there.

Think you can spend
some time with him on that?

Uh, well,
I--I could,

but Doug would
have to bring it up.

I--yes, I would never
want you to push it there.

You know, obviously,
you know what you're doing.

You're a very talented man.

[CHUCKLES]
Thank you.

Yeah, I mean it.
I mean, it's like obvious.

You have like a gift
for this kind of work.
Oh, no, no.

You know, I just kind of
took to it at med school.

-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah.

Which is good because
I could never memorize

the names
of all those bones.

You know?
Oh, yes.

-The names, they're so similar.
-Yes, they are similar!

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Heh.
Yes!

Anyway, whatever you can do
about the TV thing,

that would be great.

Um, yeah,
but you know,

it--it's really
up to Doug, though.

Yeah, yeah. It's just that
Doug might need a little...

a little nudge, you know?

Like just a little
bitty little nudge.

Well, I-I just don't think--
Are your eyes brown or hazel?

I can't...
Steel blue.

Steel blue.
Fantastic.

My mother would make dinner
for me every night,

but after she got that job
at the community center,

she just stopped.

I was
only 7 years old.

You must have felt
somewhat abandoned.

Yeah, exactly.
I felt completely abandoned.

I mean, she only worked
every other Tuesday,

you know, but still,

longest month
of my life.

So, uh, what did you do
on those, uh,

nights until she got home?

I don't know.
I watched TV or--

Oh, God, I used to rip
the head off my,

you know, G.I. Joe doll,

and I'd stick it on top
of a ketchup bottle

and make him bleed
through the ears.

It was awesome.

Well, speaking of TV...

DOUG: Hey.

Hey, baby.
How was your session?

Great.
On my way home,

I walked down
Austin Street,

or as I like to call it,
Doughnut Alley,

and I never
broke stride.

Oh, well, that's great!

So you're probably
really tired.

You just wanna relax
and just watch some TV, huh?

You know what?
I don't think so.

No TV?

But you love TV, honey.

Yeah, I love it
too much.

In fact,
we talked about it

in the last part
of my session.

-About TV?
-DOUG: Mm-hmm.

How odd!

You--you sure you don't
want to watch TV?

-No.
-CARRIE: All right.

Well, you, uh,
want to read a book?

Whoa.

Baby steps.

Hello.

I got some shampoo,

2 packs of Juicy Fruit gum,
uh,Playboymagazine,

and a couple of--
of these.

Need a price check on
Nostrin nasal decongestant,

-50 milliliter.
-That's all right.

Just charge me
whatever you want.

Nostrin nasal spray.

Can I get a price
check, please?

It's for a friend!

All right, baby.
Have a good time.

-Okay, I'll see you at home.
-Okay.

Psst!

[WHISPERING] Hi. One sec.

Uh, I--I'll be with you
in just a moment, Doug.

Okay.

Hi. I just wanted to say
great job on the TV thing.

You are like the Michael Jordan
of psychotherapy.

No, no, no.

-Karl Malone, maybe.
-[LAUGHS]

It's just that now that Doug's
watching a lot less TV,

we're having
a lot more sexual time,

which is good,

but it could be better.

That's where you come in.

Ahh...

whew.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Hey.
-Hey, Deac.

What are you
doing here?

I'm taking Doug
to his therapy session.

-Youare?
-Mm-hmm.

But--but
I always do that.

Uh, yeah, but we're going
to the driving range after.

See, now that
he's dropped a few pounds,

he can actually see
the ball on the tee.

Damn, but I really need
to talk to his therapist.

I need you
to do me a favor.

Okay, uh,
what's the favor?

Give this to the guy,

and whatever you do,

do not let Doug see it.

Okay. What is it?

It's a recipe.

For clam chowder.

You don't have
to read it, sweetie.

It's the normal
stuff, you know,

clams, potatoes.

"Doug needs to be
more spontaneous,"

uh, "less pouty..."

What is this?

[SIGHS]
All right, it's...

it's a list
for his therapist,

things I want
Doug to work on.

I kinda do it
to nudge his therapy

in the right
direction.

-And Doug doesn't know this?
-No!

If he knew about it,
he wouldn't go for it.

I mean, he needs to think
it's coming from the therapist.

Why? Is that
a horrible thing to do?

Hand me the pen.

DOUG:
So, in the dream,

this weird red object
kept appearing,

and I couldn't get away from
it, no matter what I did.

What do you think
it was?

Dr. Wagner?

Huh? Huh? What?

The weird red thing
in my dream.

What do you think
it was?

Oh, that. Clearly,
that represents, uh...

pizza?

But it was square.

Chicago-style pizza,
in pans.

You know, Doug, we're--

we're running
a little low on time here.

What do you say we shift
the focus of the session

to some other issues
that you might wanna deal with?

Like maybe, uh...

a--a l-lack of spontaneity

or, uh, p-poutiness.

Are you pouty, Doug?

I really wanna talk
about the dream some more.

Uh-huh. I really don't think
there's much there, Doug.

Um, why don't we focus more

on, uh, paying
your gambling debts

or why you won't return
your friend's Sting CD?

-What are you--
-Hmm?

What do you keep looking
at that paper for?

Oh, this?
Oh, this is nothing.

I'm just--it's
some notes I'm making

for a journal article
that I'm...

lying to you about, Doug.

I--I can't do this.

I'm sorry.
I just can't do this.

-What?
-Well, you know what?

You know what?
J-just--

Would you tell
your wife

that I did not go to medical
school for 6 years

to be giving therapy
off the back of a visa bill,

all right?!

Damn it, Doug,
I've won awards!

I think I need
some time to myself.

Hey, hey!
So, am I getting my CD?

DOUG: I can't believe
it was you!

This whole time
it was you

who was trying
to change me.

I'm sorry. You weren't
supposed to find out.

Of course not. The puppet's
not supposed to know

there's a hand up his...

-puppet chute!
-All right, look.

Maybe my methods were
a little bit questionable,

but I was only
trying to help you.

I just wanted to help you
become a happier person.

Really? Really?
And how is

"Not singing along
with the car radio"

gonna make me happier?

That's one of his.

You never know
the damn words, man.

Okay, you know what?
You can leave now.

No, as soon as
I get my CD.

It's by the stereo,
okay?

The case
is kind of cracked.

I can't believe you.
I mean, why'd you even marry me

if you hate
everything about me?

I don't.

Oh, please.

You've been feeding
this guy your complaints

for a month.
I should just strap

a suggestion box
to my ass,

save you the trip!

Doug, when this
whole thing started,

my only agenda was that
you stop overeating.

I promise you.

But then I thought,
you know,

as long as the car
is in the shop...

The car? The car?
That's what I am to you?

A car I love.

The only car I ever
want to drive.

[SIGHS]

Why'd you have
to talk to the shrink?

Why couldn't you
just come to me?

Because I don't know
how to fix a car.

You know?
For your sake,

I wanted to make sure

that you were
properly serviced.

That's all? You just
wanted to make sure

I was properly...
serviced?

Exactly.

Okay, well, then
I'll see you upstairs

for a Jiffy Lube.

DOUG: And bring
ice cream for after!

Oh. Good night,
darling.

Good night, Dad.

[SNIFFING]

Nuts!

[SNIFFING]

[MUTTERING]

What have I become?

[CHUCKLES]

Hey! What the devil
do you think you're doing?

Buying nasal spray?

Not if I have anything
to say about it.

But...I have a cold.

Liar!

I just saved your life!

[**]