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1
00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:08,170
OK, a vanilla cone
with the rainbow sprinkles...
2
00:00:08,210 --> 00:00:10,460
[REGISTER BUTTONS BEEP;
RECEIPT WHIRS]
3
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:12,050
That's $2.43.
4
00:00:12,090 --> 00:00:14,180
Here you go.
Thanks.
5
00:00:14,220 --> 00:00:17,350
Only 20?
Do you have
anything smaller?
6
00:00:17,390 --> 00:00:19,850
No, that's, uh, yeah,
that's all I got.
7
00:00:19,890 --> 00:00:21,020
Hmm.
8
00:00:21,060 --> 00:00:23,060
I don't have change
for this.
9
00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:26,060
Well, it's all I got.
10
00:00:29,020 --> 00:00:30,730
What do you want to do?
11
00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:33,280
Well, I told you
12
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,240
I don't have change
for a 20.
13
00:00:44,410 --> 00:00:47,500
* My eyes aregettin' weary*
14
00:00:47,540 --> 00:00:50,050
*My back is gettin' tight*
15
00:00:50,090 --> 00:00:51,710
*I'm sittin' herein traffic*
16
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,880
*On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
17
00:00:54,920 --> 00:01:00,430
*But I don't care,'cause all I want to do*
18
00:01:00,470 --> 00:01:04,270
*Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
19
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,690
*'Cause, baby,all my life*
20
00:01:07,730 --> 00:01:12,110
*I will be drivin' hometo you*
21
00:01:17,490 --> 00:01:18,780
MAN [OVER TV]:
Fudge.
22
00:01:18,820 --> 00:01:20,660
WOMAN [OVER TV]:
What's wrong, honey?
23
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:21,950
MAN [OVER TV]:There's a veryrare archipelago butterfly,
24
00:01:21,990 --> 00:01:23,620
and I forgotto bring my camera.
25
00:01:23,660 --> 00:01:25,120
WOMAN [OVER TV]
No, you didn't, sweetie.
26
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,170
Good God.
27
00:01:27,210 --> 00:01:28,380
What?
28
00:01:28,420 --> 00:01:30,710
Are you gonna move
at all this weekend?
29
00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:33,590
Are you planning
any activity?
30
00:01:33,630 --> 00:01:38,010
Hey, I've been
plenty active in here.
31
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:41,300
-Please.
-I'm serious.
32
00:01:41,350 --> 00:01:44,470
I just learned that if I'm ever
bein' chased by a grizzly bear,
33
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:46,140
I should run down a hill.
34
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,150
'Cause bears,
they can't run downhill.
35
00:01:49,190 --> 00:01:51,310
Their back legs get all bunched
up with their front legs,
36
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:54,650
and they-- they just wipe out.
37
00:01:54,690 --> 00:01:58,030
Gotta be honest with you, hon,
not sure you can run downhill.
38
00:01:59,530 --> 00:02:00,820
All right. Just for that,
I'm not gonna show you
39
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:02,870
the safe way to milk a goat!
40
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,500
MALE TV ANNOUNCER:
For the next hour,
41
00:02:09,540 --> 00:02:10,960
we'll takean in-depth look
42
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,920
at the gentle giantof the sea,
43
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,460
the North Americanmanatee.
44
00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:18,720
Next, onWildlife Channel.
45
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:27,180
[DOORBELL RINGS]
46
00:02:35,940 --> 00:02:37,530
-What up, dawg?
-Hey.
47
00:02:37,570 --> 00:02:38,610
Hey, Deac.
48
00:02:38,650 --> 00:02:40,110
-Carrie!
-CARRIE: Hi, Kirby!
49
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,740
Look how cute
you look.
50
00:02:42,780 --> 00:02:44,450
What brings you by?
51
00:02:44,490 --> 00:02:46,620
You invited us
for dinner.
52
00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:47,830
Really? I already ate,
53
00:02:47,870 --> 00:02:49,790
but I can get it
goin' again.
54
00:02:50,750 --> 00:02:52,210
So, uh, hey,
how was practice?
55
00:02:52,250 --> 00:02:54,040
Ah, it's brutal.
The only reason I'm coaching
56
00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:55,670
this freakin' team
is to get Kirby to play
57
00:02:55,710 --> 00:02:57,420
and he still hates it.
58
00:02:57,460 --> 00:02:58,590
No, no, no, no, no.
59
00:02:58,630 --> 00:02:59,970
See, he can't hate
football, okay?
60
00:03:00,010 --> 00:03:01,380
He can hate
Brussels sprouts,
61
00:03:01,430 --> 00:03:02,680
he can hate
white people,
62
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,600
but he can't
hate football.
63
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,560
You know, I'll tell you
what it is.
64
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:07,720
Since the divorce,
65
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,060
he spends all his time
around women.
66
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:11,900
I mean, Kelly,
her mom, her sister--
67
00:03:11,940 --> 00:03:14,860
they got this boy
watchin' Lifetime, man.
68
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:17,650
That is rough.
69
00:03:17,690 --> 00:03:19,780
Yeah, and Kelly's
got him in the choir,
70
00:03:19,820 --> 00:03:21,650
school play,
and next summer,
71
00:03:21,700 --> 00:03:24,410
she wants him to go
to theater camp.
72
00:03:24,450 --> 00:03:26,120
Theater camp!
73
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,410
If he's gay on his own,
I have no problem with that.
74
00:03:28,450 --> 00:03:29,580
But Kelly, she's spiteful.
75
00:03:29,620 --> 00:03:32,460
I think she's
pushin' him there.
76
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,920
Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo!
77
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,460
Okay, I guess
the catch is over.
78
00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,920
Hey, maybe you could
help me out here.
79
00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:41,880
How?
80
00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:43,010
Help me coach the team.
81
00:03:43,050 --> 00:03:44,590
I mean, you played
some serious ball.
82
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,600
Maybe you can get Kirby
fired up about the game.
83
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,640
Practices are
Saturday afternoon.
84
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,350
What do you say?
85
00:03:50,390 --> 00:03:52,640
Oh, I don't know, Deac.
86
00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:55,980
It sounds pretty good.
It's just that, uh...
87
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:02,990
I got a lot of stuff
goin' on around here.
88
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,780
Daddy, I'm gonna help
Carrie cook dinner.
89
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,490
Is it all right
if I take off
90
00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:10,660
my football costume?
91
00:04:13,370 --> 00:04:14,830
Go ahead.
92
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,210
My son just called
his uniform a costume.
93
00:04:19,250 --> 00:04:20,800
Please, help me!
94
00:04:22,010 --> 00:04:24,720
Okay, kids, we got a really
exciting addition
95
00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:26,140
to our coaching staff.
96
00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:27,850
Back at St. Gregory's
high school
97
00:04:27,890 --> 00:04:29,470
where he was
the star running back,
98
00:04:29,510 --> 00:04:32,480
his nicknames included
"The H Train,"
99
00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:35,650
"Pound Cake,"
and "Hefferlegs."
100
00:04:35,690 --> 00:04:37,480
He even tried out
for the Nassau Rebels
101
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,320
semi-pro team.
Please welcome
102
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,110
Coach Heffernan.
103
00:04:45,030 --> 00:04:46,990
Thank you very much,
Coach Palmer.
104
00:04:47,030 --> 00:04:49,120
All right. Now, I'm gonna go
get the game jerseys.
105
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,660
Coach Heffernan
is gonna get you goin',
106
00:04:50,700 --> 00:04:53,000
and I'll be back
in a little bit.
107
00:04:54,790 --> 00:04:56,670
All righty.
Well, first off,
108
00:04:56,710 --> 00:04:58,500
I already know
that Kirby's a stud
109
00:04:58,540 --> 00:04:59,710
and lookin' at the rest of you,
110
00:04:59,750 --> 00:05:02,590
you look like
some tough-nosed S.O.B.'s.
111
00:05:02,630 --> 00:05:04,010
[LAUGHS]
112
00:05:04,050 --> 00:05:05,630
All right.
So now it's time
113
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,180
to put the pee
back in pee wee.
114
00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:09,390
[LAUGHS]
115
00:05:09,430 --> 00:05:10,680
That's how I'm gonna
do things around here.
116
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,180
I'm gonna keep it
loose and fun.
117
00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:13,980
You're fat.
118
00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:15,140
Okay, that's--
you know what?
119
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:16,690
That's a common
misconception.
120
00:05:16,730 --> 00:05:17,810
What I like to call
this area right here
121
00:05:17,850 --> 00:05:19,610
is a low
center of gravity,
122
00:05:19,650 --> 00:05:21,230
which is gonna help you
in this sport.
123
00:05:21,270 --> 00:05:23,190
Did you really
ever play football?
124
00:05:23,230 --> 00:05:25,110
Uh, yes. As Coach Palmer
just mentioned,
125
00:05:25,150 --> 00:05:26,610
I was very good.
I played in high school.
126
00:05:26,650 --> 00:05:28,240
He said you played
for the Rebels.
127
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,200
Uh, no. He said I tried out
for the Rebels.
128
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:31,870
So you didn't
make the team?
129
00:05:31,910 --> 00:05:33,160
I made the team,
130
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,620
but there were
a lot of politics goin' on.
131
00:05:34,660 --> 00:05:36,000
You know, the coach
had his favorites,
132
00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:37,540
and there was
a whole locker thing.
133
00:05:37,580 --> 00:05:38,880
Let's discuss
our offense, though.
134
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,290
-So you quit?
-I didn't quit, okay?
135
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:42,800
I had a lot of pressure
at the time.
136
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:44,380
I was getting married,
and, you know--
137
00:05:44,420 --> 00:05:45,630
You're fat.
138
00:05:45,670 --> 00:05:46,880
[WHISTLE]
139
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:49,220
Okay, that's it.
Take a lap, okay, Rusty?
140
00:05:49,260 --> 00:05:51,720
Okay, now, ladies, you ready
to talk about football?
141
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,430
'Cause this Saturday,
you're gonna be lining up
142
00:05:53,470 --> 00:05:57,140
against the Elmont Chipmunks,
and they hate you.
143
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,440
All right, but we're gonna have
a couple tricks up our sleeve.
144
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,980
Now, I know they like
to shoot their linebackers wide,
145
00:06:02,020 --> 00:06:03,820
so once we get 'em
thinkin' wide,
146
00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:05,900
that's when we run
our fullback up the gut.
147
00:06:05,940 --> 00:06:08,950
Okay, or we run the option.
Who's with me?
148
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:14,580
Okay, you know what?
149
00:06:14,620 --> 00:06:16,000
Maybe it's better
if I show you.
150
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:19,540
Blue! 295! Blue! 295!
151
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:20,920
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
152
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:24,420
[BOYS YELLING]
153
00:06:26,670 --> 00:06:28,470
Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
154
00:06:28,510 --> 00:06:29,800
What's up?!
155
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,140
What's up?!
156
00:06:31,180 --> 00:06:32,350
Whoo!
157
00:06:32,390 --> 00:06:34,390
[BOYS YELLING]
158
00:06:35,430 --> 00:06:37,180
Yeah!
159
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,760
Yeah! Whassup!
160
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,180
Whoo-hoo! Yeah, all right!
161
00:07:16,220 --> 00:07:18,560
Whoo-hoo! Come on! You got it!
162
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:44,670
[BOYS YELLING]
163
00:07:44,710 --> 00:07:46,540
DOUG: Yeah! Whoo! Whoo!
164
00:07:46,590 --> 00:07:49,960
Yeah! All right!
Whoo!
165
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,050
What the hell
are you doing?
166
00:07:52,090 --> 00:07:53,220
What the hell am I doin'?
What am I not doin'?
167
00:07:53,260 --> 00:07:55,010
I'm gaining 17 yards
a carry.
168
00:07:55,050 --> 00:07:57,010
I'm threadin' the needle.
You should have seen me!
169
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,680
Kirby is sitting
in the minivan listening
170
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,270
to Dan Fogelberg.
171
00:08:00,310 --> 00:08:02,190
I literally jumped over
this little dude's head.
172
00:08:02,230 --> 00:08:03,810
I just, like, juked him!
[CHUCKLES] Sorry.
173
00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:05,190
I'll take care of it.
174
00:08:05,230 --> 00:08:06,730
Hey, guys, gimme a little
of this, all right?
175
00:08:06,770 --> 00:08:08,570
Gimme some of that!
176
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:19,790
Oh, wow.
177
00:08:19,830 --> 00:08:22,870
Sweet minivan, huh?
178
00:08:22,910 --> 00:08:24,750
Whoo!
Whatcha got here?
179
00:08:24,790 --> 00:08:26,840
What is this,
a...little moose?
180
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,250
Oh, he's chargin'!
181
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:30,710
All right,
we can lose that.
182
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,510
[CLEARS THROAT]
183
00:08:32,550 --> 00:08:34,090
Here's the thing,
Kirby.
184
00:08:34,130 --> 00:08:36,010
You can't
just stop playing
185
00:08:36,050 --> 00:08:37,510
in the middle
of practice.
186
00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:39,720
Mommy said if I wanted
to quit the team,
187
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,390
I could quit.
188
00:08:41,430 --> 00:08:45,770
Look, when things
get tough in life,
189
00:08:45,810 --> 00:08:47,190
you just can't quit.
190
00:08:47,230 --> 00:08:49,770
You gotta strive
to make yourself better.
191
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:50,940
Like Tom Cruise--
192
00:08:50,980 --> 00:08:52,740
he's got everything,
right? Wrong.
193
00:08:52,780 --> 00:08:54,070
He didn't
like his teeth.
194
00:08:54,110 --> 00:08:55,740
So he got braces.
195
00:08:55,780 --> 00:08:59,160
The point is, he didn't
give up on his choppers.
196
00:09:00,870 --> 00:09:03,080
And you shouldn't
give up on football.
197
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:04,410
But you quit your team.
198
00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:06,040
The Rebels?
No, no, no, no.
199
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,540
I had to stop. I had
an upcoming wedding
200
00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:09,540
and a coach whose nephew
could do no wrong.
201
00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:11,920
If you stopped playing,
I can stop, too.
202
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,720
Look, believe me,
I didn't wanna stop.
203
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:14,920
So try out again.
204
00:09:14,970 --> 00:09:18,180
-Well, there's--
-If you play, I'll play.
205
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:19,640
That sounds fair.
206
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:21,390
[WHINES]
Yeah.
207
00:09:26,980 --> 00:09:28,860
Hey, babe.
How was practice?
208
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,860
It was good.
It was fun.
209
00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:32,030
Interesting.
What are ya--
210
00:09:32,070 --> 00:09:33,360
What are ya makin'?
211
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,950
Well, it was gonna be
chicken and Rice-A-Roni,
212
00:09:35,990 --> 00:09:37,110
but I burnt the rice,
213
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:40,330
so we're looking
at chicken-a-roni.
214
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:44,250
Hey, you know what I,
uh, realized today?
215
00:09:44,290 --> 00:09:45,620
How much I miss football.
216
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:49,170
You know, how much I miss
having it a part of my life.
217
00:09:49,210 --> 00:09:51,170
You mean the 10 hours
you watch every Sunday
218
00:09:51,210 --> 00:09:53,170
ain't gettin' it done?
219
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,840
You'd think it would,
but no. No.
220
00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:00,350
No, I'm talkin' about,
like, the contact,
221
00:10:00,390 --> 00:10:01,930
the smell of the grass,
you know?
222
00:10:01,970 --> 00:10:04,270
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
223
00:10:04,310 --> 00:10:06,940
I'm gonna go get us
some Taco Bell.
224
00:10:06,980 --> 00:10:08,270
Uh, you know what?
Don't worry about me.
225
00:10:08,310 --> 00:10:10,020
I'm gonna just
eat somethin' light.
226
00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:11,770
Apple, maybe.
227
00:10:14,980 --> 00:10:17,530
What? You mean,
like, apple pie?
228
00:10:18,490 --> 00:10:20,870
No, an apple. I think
I just need to start
229
00:10:20,910 --> 00:10:22,490
getting in better shape.
230
00:10:22,530 --> 00:10:24,540
I thought you wanted
to see how big you can get
231
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:26,200
and still wear jeans.
232
00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,210
No, no. I was just thinkin'
about what you said,
233
00:10:29,250 --> 00:10:30,830
you know, the other day
when I was lyin' on the couch--
234
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,170
that I should be more active,
235
00:10:32,210 --> 00:10:35,050
and that's why
I picked up one of these.
236
00:10:37,380 --> 00:10:39,760
The Nassau Rebels
tryout waiver?
237
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,260
Yeah, you remember
the Rebels.
238
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:42,260
No.
239
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:43,600
Sure, you do.
It's a semi-pro team--
240
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:44,810
I remember the team.
241
00:10:44,850 --> 00:10:48,270
I mean, no, you're not
playing football again.
242
00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:52,150
I think I am.
243
00:10:52,190 --> 00:10:53,940
What the hell is going on
here, anyway, Doug?
244
00:10:53,980 --> 00:10:55,360
I mean, you spend
one afternoon
245
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:56,990
running around with
a bunch of 8-year-olds,
246
00:10:57,030 --> 00:10:58,900
and all of a sudden
you're turning pro?
247
00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:00,200
Okay, first of all,
it's semi-pro,
248
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,780
and there are a couple
9-year-olds there, okay?
249
00:11:06,790 --> 00:11:08,080
Look, here's the thing.
250
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,330
I promised Kirby I'd play.
251
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:11,330
Why?
252
00:11:11,370 --> 00:11:14,250
Well, Kirby wanted
to quit the team.
253
00:11:14,290 --> 00:11:16,210
So I made a deal with him.
254
00:11:16,250 --> 00:11:19,220
He'll keep on playing
if I do this.
255
00:11:19,260 --> 00:11:21,470
Does Kirby know that
you're 36 years old
256
00:11:21,510 --> 00:11:23,760
and have
a heart flutter?
257
00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:26,640
What are you saying,
you don't think I can handle it?
258
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:28,350
Oh, no. Sure, you can
play football again,
259
00:11:28,390 --> 00:11:30,310
but why stop there,
Doug, hmm?
260
00:11:30,350 --> 00:11:32,060
Why don't you become
a superhero--
261
00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:34,230
Captain Neckfat?
262
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:36,940
That's nice. How long
you had that one
263
00:11:36,980 --> 00:11:39,240
in the holster, huh?
264
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:40,860
You are not playing
265
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:43,950
semi-professional
football. Okay?
266
00:11:43,990 --> 00:11:45,280
It is ridiculous.
267
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:46,910
It's just on the weekends,
268
00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:48,410
and believe me,
I can handle it.
269
00:11:48,450 --> 00:11:49,750
I played football
all my life.
270
00:11:49,790 --> 00:11:51,920
And by the way,
you can't just say no, okay?
271
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,420
I'll do what I want!
272
00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:54,750
I just need you
to sign this, though.
273
00:11:54,790 --> 00:11:56,670
You gotta sign this.
274
00:11:56,710 --> 00:11:57,800
Why?
275
00:11:57,840 --> 00:11:58,800
Spouses need to sign.
276
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,800
A couple wives sued.
Whatever.
277
00:12:02,470 --> 00:12:04,510
"We, the undersigned,
hereby waive any claims
278
00:12:04,550 --> 00:12:06,260
"against
the Nassau Rebels
279
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:07,640
"for any bodily injury,
280
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:10,730
concussion, paralysis,
and/or death."
281
00:12:12,390 --> 00:12:14,850
In case you didn't
understand the form,
282
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,650
these are all bad.
283
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:18,690
It's gonna be fine, okay?
284
00:12:18,730 --> 00:12:20,490
I already called Danny.
He's gonna train me.
285
00:12:20,530 --> 00:12:22,150
You know, he used to be
a personal trainer
286
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,320
back in the late eighties.
287
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,820
Oh...well, now
I feel much better.
288
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:28,910
Why didn't you tell me
your slightly less fat,
289
00:12:28,950 --> 00:12:31,710
asthmatic cousin
was gonna train you?
290
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,340
Look, I am
doing this, okay?
291
00:12:39,380 --> 00:12:42,170
Hefferlegs
is back in town!
292
00:12:43,260 --> 00:12:45,510
Still need you to
sign this, though.
Right here.
293
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:53,940
Any back pain?
294
00:12:53,980 --> 00:12:55,060
No.
295
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:56,060
Arthritis?
296
00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:57,190
No.
297
00:12:57,230 --> 00:12:58,900
Trouble urinating?
298
00:13:01,110 --> 00:13:03,820
Yeah. When I get excited,
I pee on the rug.
299
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:06,780
Hey, what are we doin' here?
When are we gonna start
300
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,620
-liftin' weights?
-Relax, guy.
301
00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:11,490
I can't train you unless
I know your medical history.
302
00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:12,660
Fine.
303
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:14,000
Do you suffer
from headaches?
304
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:14,870
No.
305
00:13:14,910 --> 00:13:16,290
Ever had
a cardio-bypass
306
00:13:16,330 --> 00:13:18,040
or valve replacement?
307
00:13:19,670 --> 00:13:20,880
If I did, don't you think
308
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,880
it would've come up
at Thanksgiving?
309
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,930
Okay, you're
fighting me here.
310
00:13:25,970 --> 00:13:29,100
You're not understanding
the Danny system.
311
00:13:29,140 --> 00:13:32,060
I'm trying to tailor
a specific training program
312
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,350
for your needs.
313
00:13:33,390 --> 00:13:35,520
And not just
your physical needs.
314
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,730
But I focus
on the mental...
315
00:13:37,770 --> 00:13:39,730
the spiritual...
316
00:13:39,770 --> 00:13:41,320
and the emotional.
317
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,150
Let's go, maggot!
318
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,820
Come on!
Lift it,
319
00:13:44,860 --> 00:13:46,950
you worthless
sack of--
320
00:13:46,990 --> 00:13:49,530
I don't need
to be berated.
321
00:13:49,570 --> 00:13:52,290
I don't need
to find my center.
322
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,870
I don't need to learn
the Navajo way.
323
00:13:55,910 --> 00:13:59,460
I just need you to help
me get back in shape.
324
00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:01,460
So you're angry.
325
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:02,670
Yes.
326
00:14:02,710 --> 00:14:04,960
Welcome
to the Danny system.
327
00:14:06,420 --> 00:14:09,050
What do you say we go
build us a better Doug?
328
00:14:14,470 --> 00:14:15,850
-Hey, Car.
-Hey!
329
00:14:15,890 --> 00:14:16,940
Well, is he
ready yet?
330
00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:18,350
Oh, he'll
be right down.
331
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,110
Why don't you have a cup
of coffee and a Danish?
332
00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:22,150
-Well, okay.
-Yeah. Sit down.
333
00:14:22,190 --> 00:14:23,780
-Thanks.
-Yeah.
334
00:14:23,820 --> 00:14:25,240
Here you go,
sweetie.
335
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:25,940
Yeah. All right.
336
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,150
You nice
and comfy?
337
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,950
-Yeah.
-Good.
338
00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:33,950
Ow!
339
00:14:33,990 --> 00:14:35,580
What the hell
is wrong with you?!
340
00:14:35,620 --> 00:14:37,080
That's for making Doug
play football again.
341
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,670
He's gonna get
himself killed.
342
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:40,170
-I didn't make him.
-Oh, oh.
343
00:14:40,210 --> 00:14:41,420
You know what?
I expect
344
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,130
this kind of stupidity
from Doug.
345
00:14:43,170 --> 00:14:44,800
That's a given.
346
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:45,920
But not from you.
347
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:46,920
You should be
lookin' out for him.
348
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,380
Idolook out
for him.
349
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:51,300
Oh, bull. You're just
tryin' to de-gay your son.
350
00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:55,640
All right, fine.
I'm not thrilled about things.
351
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,020
But is it so wrong?
352
00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:58,520
I mean, is it
so wrong for me
353
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,230
to someday want
to visit my grandkids
354
00:15:00,270 --> 00:15:03,980
and not my "bachelor son"
and his 2 cats?
355
00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:08,190
I want you
to tell Doug to stop.
356
00:15:09,150 --> 00:15:10,660
You know what?
You know, I don't think
357
00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:12,070
you should be
so against this.
358
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,870
I mean, have you seen
your husband lately?
359
00:15:13,910 --> 00:15:15,950
He's workin' out.
He's eatin' right.
360
00:15:15,990 --> 00:15:17,830
I mean, look,
he even taped up
361
00:15:17,870 --> 00:15:20,000
this old picture of himself
so he can stay motivated.
362
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:21,580
Now, tell me you
wouldn't kill to get him
363
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:24,170
just halfway back to this.
364
00:15:24,210 --> 00:15:26,380
I'm horny just lookin'
at the guy.
365
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:28,840
I don't care
how he looks.
366
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,010
I'd rather have him
fat than dead.
367
00:15:31,050 --> 00:15:32,340
[SIGHS]
368
00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:47,190
All right, come on!
369
00:15:47,230 --> 00:15:48,320
You can do it!
370
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,030
One more! Let's go!
One more! Let's go!
371
00:15:50,070 --> 00:15:51,740
That's right.
Bring it home for Mama.
372
00:15:51,780 --> 00:15:53,450
Come on!
Come on, now!
373
00:15:53,490 --> 00:15:55,280
Push! Okay! Yeah!
374
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:57,290
-Ohh! Ohh!
-Come on!
375
00:15:57,330 --> 00:15:59,120
-Yeah!
-Ohh!
376
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,250
[PANTING]
377
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:11,970
Up, up, up, up,
up, up, up, up.
378
00:16:12,010 --> 00:16:13,760
Up, up up, up,
up, up, up!
379
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,050
Down, down, down,
down, down, down,
380
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,680
down, down, down.
Down, down, down.
381
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,390
Okay. Good, good,
good, good, good.
382
00:16:18,430 --> 00:16:20,140
That's good. You take
a short break, all right?
383
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,640
I got 300 waitin'
for you right over here.
384
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:23,650
Oh, God.
385
00:16:23,690 --> 00:16:24,770
Hey, man.
How's the champ?
386
00:16:24,810 --> 00:16:26,230
Ah, just another day
in stinktown.
387
00:16:26,270 --> 00:16:28,570
I'm gettin' ready
to relocate 300 L.B.S.
388
00:16:28,610 --> 00:16:30,070
What up?
389
00:16:30,110 --> 00:16:31,950
I just stopped by
to say thanks, man.
390
00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:34,200
You really came through
for me here.
391
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,240
And--and listen,
392
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:36,570
Kirby made you
something to wear
393
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:37,620
at the tryouts tomorrow.
394
00:16:37,660 --> 00:16:40,040
It's a--
it's a bandana. See?
395
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,500
With your name on it.
396
00:16:41,540 --> 00:16:43,040
You're really, like,
his hero, man.
397
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:44,920
Look, who knows
who's a hero for who,
398
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,420
you know?
I'm just one man, and--
399
00:16:46,460 --> 00:16:48,840
What is that, glitter?
I can't wear that.
400
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:49,920
Come on. 300.
Let's go.
401
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,130
Come on.
300.
402
00:16:51,170 --> 00:16:53,300
Let's do it!
300, baby.
403
00:16:53,340 --> 00:16:54,470
Ohh!
404
00:16:54,510 --> 00:16:55,800
[BREATHING RAPIDLY]
405
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,510
Ruuuuhhhhh!
406
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,390
Aaaahhhh!
407
00:17:01,430 --> 00:17:02,270
Yeah!
408
00:17:02,310 --> 00:17:03,520
-Wow!
-Whoo!
409
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:04,730
3 bills. Damn.
410
00:17:04,770 --> 00:17:08,150
Oh, look, who knows
who benches what?
411
00:17:08,190 --> 00:17:10,110
Could I bench-press
a full-grown deer?
412
00:17:10,150 --> 00:17:11,740
Sure. But it's
about the kids.
413
00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:13,450
That's really
what matters.
414
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:15,110
-Ahh!
-Thanks.
415
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:16,910
Ohh...
416
00:17:24,830 --> 00:17:26,580
What the hell is this?
417
00:17:26,620 --> 00:17:28,790
What the hell's what?
418
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:31,460
These things
are Styrofoam!
419
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:32,590
Styrofoam?
420
00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:34,130
Uhh...I'll
look into that.
421
00:17:34,170 --> 00:17:37,090
Meanwhile, you start
banging out some sit-ups.
422
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,180
Why the hell am I
liftin' Styrofoam?!
423
00:17:39,220 --> 00:17:41,260
Oh, it's just those two.
They're my motivators.
424
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:42,310
Your what?
425
00:17:42,350 --> 00:17:44,810
Mo-ti-va-tors.
426
00:17:44,850 --> 00:17:46,270
They build confidence.
427
00:17:46,310 --> 00:17:47,650
What the--
so what are you saying?
428
00:17:47,690 --> 00:17:49,650
I--I ca--
I can't bench 300?
429
00:17:49,690 --> 00:17:50,820
I gotta be
honest with you.
430
00:17:50,860 --> 00:17:52,900
I don't think
you can bench 200.
431
00:17:52,940 --> 00:17:55,490
But youthink
you can bench 300.
432
00:17:55,530 --> 00:17:56,820
That's the magic.
433
00:17:56,860 --> 00:17:58,110
So, what--what about
everything else?
434
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,280
What about
the 40-yard dash?
435
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:00,700
I--I didn't
really run the 4-8?
436
00:18:00,740 --> 00:18:01,830
No, no.
You ran a 4-8.
437
00:18:01,870 --> 00:18:04,830
But it was
the 29-yard dash.
438
00:18:04,870 --> 00:18:06,830
Why the hell
would you lie to me?!
439
00:18:06,870 --> 00:18:08,000
I didn't lie.
440
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,500
I mo-ti-va-ted.
441
00:18:10,540 --> 00:18:13,630
I cannot work
like this!
442
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:23,930
Hey, hon.
What are you doing?
443
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:26,980
Rolling
a ham-and-swiss doobie.
444
00:18:27,890 --> 00:18:29,690
Doug, you're--
you're in training.
445
00:18:29,730 --> 00:18:30,860
Your tryouts
are tomorrow.
446
00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:32,320
I'm not trying out.
447
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:34,860
What? Why?
448
00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:36,530
'Cause Danny lied,
about the weights,
449
00:18:36,570 --> 00:18:40,070
how much I was lifting,
how fast I was running.
450
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,620
You're right.
You know what?
451
00:18:41,660 --> 00:18:44,450
I'm not
an athlete anymore.
452
00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:46,410
I am what I am.
453
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,850
But you can't quit!
454
00:19:02,890 --> 00:19:04,220
-Why not?
-Well...
455
00:19:04,260 --> 00:19:06,430
for one thing,
you promised little Kirby.
456
00:19:06,470 --> 00:19:07,890
Please. That kid's
got Ice Capades
457
00:19:07,930 --> 00:19:10,060
written all over him.
458
00:19:12,270 --> 00:19:13,400
All right, all right,
forget Kirby.
459
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,070
But what about
you,Doug?
460
00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:16,900
You...you can't give up
on your dream.
461
00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:18,450
-You love football.
-Yeah.
462
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:19,900
And I can still love it
from the couch every Sunday.
463
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:22,990
What the hell do you
keep lookin' at?
464
00:19:23,030 --> 00:19:24,950
Our sushi magnet.
465
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,120
No, you weren't.
466
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:28,200
You're lookin'
at eighties Doug!
467
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,500
CARRIE: No, I wasn't.
468
00:19:29,540 --> 00:19:31,580
That's why you got
on board with all this!
469
00:19:31,620 --> 00:19:34,590
Not to support me! You just
don't want me to be fat!
470
00:19:35,630 --> 00:19:37,170
I don't think
you're fat.
471
00:19:38,550 --> 00:19:40,260
You don't think I'm fat?
Look at you!
472
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:41,590
You're lookin' at me right
now like I'm 2 meals away
473
00:19:41,630 --> 00:19:44,760
from needing one of
those little scooters!
474
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,600
All right, fine, okay?
I admit it.
475
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,730
I like you better
when you can peel an orange
476
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,390
without breaking a sweat.
477
00:19:51,350 --> 00:19:53,060
At least
you're being honest.
478
00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:55,070
All right, forget
about the pictures, Doug.
479
00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:59,070
This isn't about me.
This is--it's about you.
480
00:19:59,110 --> 00:20:00,950
I mean,
I gotta tell you...
481
00:20:00,990 --> 00:20:02,740
since this whole
football thing started,
482
00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:04,120
you're like
a different person.
483
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,330
You're--you're focused,
you're committed...
484
00:20:07,370 --> 00:20:08,790
sexy.
485
00:20:08,830 --> 00:20:10,120
Yeah, and...
486
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:13,750
really, you've worked
too hard to quit now.
487
00:20:13,790 --> 00:20:17,000
But Danny lied about--
Oh, so what?
488
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,130
So the other guys
are stronger and faster.
489
00:20:19,170 --> 00:20:21,550
That doesn't make 'em
better football players.
490
00:20:21,590 --> 00:20:22,970
Actually, that's exactly
what makes 'em
491
00:20:23,010 --> 00:20:25,010
better football players.
492
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:26,970
All right. Yeah. Okay.
493
00:20:27,010 --> 00:20:28,430
So you can't lift
300 pounds.
494
00:20:28,470 --> 00:20:32,440
But you are strong, Doug,
and football is your game.
495
00:20:33,690 --> 00:20:34,810
Iwaspretty good.
496
00:20:34,850 --> 00:20:36,650
Youarepretty good!
497
00:20:36,690 --> 00:20:37,770
And you know what?
498
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,320
You might not make
the team tomorrow.
499
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:42,320
Big deal. But I'll
tell you something.
500
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:44,610
After tomorrow's
tryouts,
501
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:45,950
those guys are gonna know
502
00:20:45,990 --> 00:20:49,200
that Doug Heffernan
wasthere!
503
00:20:51,580 --> 00:20:53,210
Oof!
504
00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:56,710
Ohh...God!
505
00:21:07,550 --> 00:21:08,760
What's up, man?
506
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:10,720
Aah!
507
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:11,850
Ready!
508
00:21:11,890 --> 00:21:13,480
Hut!
509
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:14,190
Oh, God.
510
00:21:14,230 --> 00:21:16,810
Oh, God.
Oh, God!
511
00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:26,780
Daddy, could I quit
the football team?
512
00:21:26,820 --> 00:21:29,240
Way ahead of ya.
513
00:21:29,870 --> 00:21:31,040
Guess I'll...
514
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,160
I'll go meet Doug
by the car.
515
00:21:50,140 --> 00:21:51,470
What can I get ya?
516
00:21:51,510 --> 00:21:55,850
Um, I'll have
a small nonfat yogurt and...
517
00:21:55,890 --> 00:21:57,770
[SHORT GRUNT]
518
00:21:58,610 --> 00:22:00,650
...a bucket
of rocky road.
519
00:22:06,490 --> 00:22:10,580
[**]
36222
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