All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2002) - S05E02 - Window Pain_track3_[eng]

*My back
is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro
Bridge tonight*

*But I don't care*

*'Cause all
I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin'
home to you*

Well, what have we here?

Robe, curlers...

I'll tell you, slap on
some pimple cream,

I'm takin'
the whole day off.

Glass houses, buddy, okay?

Listen, I need you
to take this stuff

down to the dry cleaners
today.

Go to the one on Kissena,
don't go to Ritz.

That guy is
an obnoxious jerk

and I hate him.

Whoa. Hate is a very
intense feeling to have

for a dry cleaner.

Perhaps you should say,
"I don't fancy him"

or, "He's not
my cup of tea."

Okay, you know what?
You're doing a lot

of talking for 7 A.M.

Morning, all.

Hey, Dad.
What you got there?

Uh, some lovely
picture frames.

I, uh, just bought them
to showcase the sketches

I'll be doing
in my new art class.

They already have
pictures in them.

Whose Golden Retriever
is that?

Mine.

And this diploma from
Harvard Business School?

Also mine.

Dad, the new neighbors
are moving in.

That box
belongs to them.

He's a Harvard M.B.A.

He can afford new frames!

Put it back now.

Fine.

Can I keep
this wooden duck?

Go.

Wow.

New next door neighbors.

You know what that means,
right?

Yup, the Sackskys are gone

and the block is
officially freak-free.

Oh, except for
that Goldberg boy.

You know, the one
with the really big eye?

You mean the one with
the really little eye.

Hmm.

Well, either way,
he's still kinda freaky.

All right.
I'll see you later.

-Love you.
-Bye-bye.

Hey, I told you kids
to stay off the lawn!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Just kiddin' around.
Doug Heffernan.

-How are ya?
-Hey, Mike Haller.

-How are you?
-Good to meet you.

Sweetie, I love
the wine rack

by the window!
It's perfect!

Oh, I just stuck it there
for a second.

Happy accident.

-This is my wife Debi.
-Hi.

CARRIE: You forgot
the dry cleaning, moron!

And...that's
my wife Carrie.

Car, why don't
you come down

and meet the new
neighbors, hon?

Hi.

I, um, I usually
wear clothes.

In fact,
here's proof.

Ha ha ha! Hi.

-BOTH: Hi.
-I'm Carrie.

-Debi.
-Mike Haller.

Hi, Mike. So where you
guys moving from?

Oh, Manhattan.

We got tired of paying
a fortune for a shoebox.

Yeah, I'll tell
you what, though,

I am not looking forward
to the new commute.

-What do you do, Mike?
-I'm a stockbroker.

Oh. Hey, question
for you.

Bear market
or bull market,

which one's
the good one,

'cause they both sound
pretty damn strong.

Bull. Bull's
the good one.

You know what, they ought
to really change bear

to like squirrel
or something.

Seriously.
Squirrel market.

He's kidding,
he's kidding.
Keep it bear.

So what do you do,
Debi?

Oh, I was a lawyer,
but ever since I've had Jonah,

I basically stay at home
all day and produce milk.

Good to know in case
we ever run out.

I likes me cookies.

What do you guys do?

Oh, I'm with Kaplan,
Hornstein, and Steckler.

Oh, that's a great firm.
So you're a lawyer, too?

Uh, legal secretary.

Uh-huh, and Doug,
you're with IPS?

Oh, yeah,
truck driver.

Beast of burden
right here.

Great. Listen,
as soon as we get settled,

we'll love
to have you over.

-Yeah, absolutely. Okay.
All right, have a good one.
-That's great. That's real good.

Take care of yourself.
Nice meetin' ya.

Bye.

Their eyes couldn't be
better proportioned, huh?

Did you have to say
you're a truck driver?

-I am a truck driver.
-No, you're a courier

for International
Parcel Service.

You deliver
very important packages

internationally.

I pretty much
never leave Queens.

Look, what is
your problem?

I just don't think
we landed that great.

I mean, we're all schleppy,
and he's this big stockbroker.

-[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
-She's makin' her own milk.

And when she starts makin'
her own soft serve,

we'll talk.

I'll see ya tonight.

[SUBWAY RUMBLING PAST]

Hello, Spence.

Oh, heh, hey, Arthur.

Riding the subway
today, are we?

Yes, I'm taking
an art course

and it requires me to use

some pretty unsavory
transportation.

You have nothing
to worry about.

This is
a very safe line.

Said the man behind
the protective glass.

Well, I'm off.

Click me through, please.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

I can't do that, Arthur.

You have to buy
a MetroCard or a token.

Ha! That's rich.

Seriously, I gotta move.
Come on.

I'm sorry.
I can't do it.

Not even
for your best friend?

We're not best friends.

Sure we are.

What's my last name?

-Smith?
-Nope.

Cornfeld?

Arthur, it's $1.50.

Buy the freaking token!

Fine! I'll just go
without my medication today.

I'm sure my blood
is thin enough already.

All right, just go.

You're a man of honor,
Spence.

[BUZZ]

By the way, it smells
like urine down here.

Take care of that,
will ya?

-Hey.
-Hey, honey, where you been?

Errands and basketball.

I now have
your dry cleaning

and some very sharp
chest pains.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

You took this to Ritz?

Hang on a second.
I had lunch at Cooper's.

Ritz is right
next door.

I told you
the guy was rude to me.

Maybe he's got
a crush on you

and that's
just his way.

Oh, and look at this.

They didn't even get the stain
out of my green blouse.

Let me see.

They attached a note,
huh? Look it.

"We tried and tried,
but we couldn't get it out."

Yeah. "We tried
and tried."

That's twice that we know of.

This isn't funny.

All right, come on,
it's dry cleaning. Relax.

Don't tell me to relax.

All right, how does
"settle down" work for you?

You know what?! Let me
tell you something, okay?

Great. Okay. Thanks a lot!

I just stepped on my pants!

It's not just
the dry cleaning, Doug.

It's everything. This
happens all the time.

What are you
talkin' about?

I ask you
to do something,

you completely ignore me.

I mean, I would never be
that inconsiderate to you.

[PBBT]

What does that mean?

Carrie, you spend
half your life

criticizing
everything I do.

That is not true!

I bring home take-out,
the food sucks.

I buy toilet paper,
it's not soft enough.

Oh, whenever have you
bought toilet paper?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

I boughtgreattoilet paper
and did I get thanked for it?

No. All I got was,
"Oh, it's not quilted.
I hate it.

It's the worst thing
that's ever happened to me!"

This is so typical.

It's like that time
I asked you to please,

please send in
the fridge warranty.

Oh, here we go with
the fridge warranty again!

You never forget anything.
You're like a freakin' elephant.

Oh, yeah. Out of the two
of us, I'm the elephant.

You just call me
an elephant?

You just called me one!

I called you an elephant
for good memory.

You called me an elephant
for fatness!

Speaking of which,

this should be fun
to clean up,

but, oh, wait a minute,
you won't because I will

because I always do
because I'm the only one

who ever cleans up
anything in this house!

If this house
is too much for you,

then I'll sell it!
I'll sell it right now!

I love this house!

I'll freakin' burn it
to the ground

before I let you
sell it!

[MIKE SNEEZES]

DEBI: Bless you.

MIKE: Thanks.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

What? What did I do now?

The window was open
this whole time.

So what?

So Mike and Debi
must have heard us.

-Who?
-The new neighbors!

We already made a crappy
first impression.

Now they're gonna think
we fight all the time.

Wedofight all the time.

No, we don't.

-Okee...
-Doug!

We do not fight
all the time.

We are a loving couple

that love each other
very much.

We just called
each other elephants

and you threatened
to burn the house down.

Banter.

What do you care
if they heard anyway?

Because the don't know
it's banter.

They don't know that's just
our way of airing things out

-and we'll make love later.
-We will?

No, I'm tired.

I don't want
to fight anymore, huh.

I mean, who cares what the
neighbors think about us, huh?

You should care
what we think about us.

Come on, I love you.

-Hmm?
-Hmm.

I love you, too, honey!

What are you doin'?

Waiting for Mike and Debi
to come over

to return our mail.

They should be here
any minute.

What?

Yup. I put a piece
of our mail in their slot.

That way, they have
to come over to return it

and we'll get a chance
to chat

and show them
what we're really like.

Or...we could capture them,
lock 'em in our attic

until they realize
how delightful we are.

Doug, I'm sorry,

but I just can't stand the fact

that we're living next door
to nice successful people

-who think we're losers.
-[CAR DOORS SHUT]

Uh! Okay, come on, honey.
Here they come.

Come on,
come on, come on!

Tuck in, tuck in,
tuck in. There ya go.

Bad idea. Tug back out,
baby. Tug back out.

-All right, I look fat!
-All right!

[EXHALES]

[QUICK FOOTSTEPS]

[**]

Hi, Spence.
[CLICKS TONGUE]

Arthur, I did it as a favor
for you the other day,

but I can't let you
on for free again.

I see.

Well, I suppose
if I have to pay,

-then I shall pay.
-All right.

No, it's not all right,
you little weasel.

You let me in
this turnstile

or I'll pull you
through this slot

and ride you down
those stairs like a toboggan.

Look in my eyes.

Do I look like I'm kidding?

Do I?

[BUZZ]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

What is this, jazz?

Yes, when Mike
and Debbie get here,

I want to show them
that we are nice,

normal people

with a certain
sense of style.

And we couldn't get
that done withKiss Alive 2?

No.

So, uh, how'd you
rope 'em into this, anyway?

I didn't have
to rope 'em in.

I just gave them a choice
of 10 different nights

we were available
and they picked this one.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, okay, honey,
that's them.

Now remember, you're funny
and I'm charming

and we love
being together.

-Okay, come on.
-Hey...wait.

CARRIE:
Hi, you guys,

we are so glad
to see you!

[IMITATING JERRY LEWIS]
Lady and fella
in the doorway!

Don't be shy.
Come on. Come on in.

It's really, uh,
nice of you

-to have us over.
-Oh.

Yeah, thanks.
This is for you.

Scotch.
Hope you like it.

Like it? He loves it.
Big Scotch guy right here.

Oh, Scotch is great.
Love the drink,

love the tape.

Okay, you guys sit
right on the couch.

There's some
hors d'oeuvres.

Honey, you sit right
there in that chair,

and I will sit
on your lap.

My big, sexy elephant.

[SIGHS]

This is nice.

These, um, little
quiches are so good.

Oh, I had the deli
make 'em up.

-The one around the corner?
-Yeah.

Is the guy behind
the counter there kind of...

-Perverted? Yes.
-Yes.

Oh, my God.
I thought I was the only
one who thought so.

Oh, no, no, no.
The guy's a skeevo.

-Who, Ralphie?
-Yeah, Ralphie.

He's always asking

if I want to see
his sausage.

I mean, it's
not even clever.

Oh, and I'm sorry.
I do not want to see a guy

behind a deli counter
wearing shorts that short.

Yeah,
or shorts at all.

Yes, thank you.

Yet they keep
going back.

-Am I right, sir?
-Yes, they do.

Well, here's to
finding a new delicatessen.

-Ah.
-Okay. And to you.

CARRIE: Oh, you know

there's another deli
2 blocks down?

It's right behind
that shoe store.

Oh!

[**]

[GASPS]

God.

Hello, Spence.

What do you want?

I think you know
what I want.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

No!
You know what?

I'm not letting you on
for free anymore, Arthur.

My whole life,
everyone thinks

they can just
push me around--

you, Larry Saccaricci
in the eighth grade,

my fruit guy.

Well, let me tell
you something,

I'm putting a stop
to it right here and now.

I'm not takin' any
more bruised plums

and I'm not letting you
ride my subway for free!

My name
is Spence Olchin.

I sell tokens.

Well, I didn't mean
to put you

in an uncomfortable
position.

Thank you
for saying that.

What's that over there?

Where?

You--

So long, douche!

So he thinks
his name is Howard

and Doug has
to answer

because it's
his boss, right?

So every time
I call his work,

I have to ask
for Howard.

DEBI: That's so funny.

Hey, Howard,
let me top you off.

Oh, uh, okay.

That's plenty,
that's plenty.

I'm gonna go
in the kitchen

and see if there's any more
of those mini quiches.

-I'll be right back.
-Okay, honey.

Your nails look great.

Is there a good nail
place around here?

CARRIE: Oh, yeah,
thank you.

Um, don't go to the place
around the corner.

The girl's very rude.
I hate her.

DEBI: Okay. Where
should I go?

CARRIE: Go to Tina's,
but there's 4 Tinas.

Go to the one on Hillside
Avenue. That's the best.

-DEBI: Okay.
-CARRIE: Yeah.

Hey, here we go.
All righty.

Doug, you didn't
have to ditch the scotch

if you didn't like it.

I mean, it's not like
I made it or anything.

I drank it.

No, I saw you
pour it down the sink.

Heh. No. I drank it.

The-the pass through
is a little open.

I drank it.

Okay.

It's good, I liked it.

Great.

Take care and, hey, thanks
again for that Scotch.

I may polish
that baby off tonight.

Whoo!

All right. I, uh--

Shut up!

I'm gonna make sure

all the windows
are closed

and when I do,

you are dead!

-Look, I didn't--
-Shut up!

-I didn't do anything.
-Oh, no? No?

You didn't pour the
Scotch down the sink,

lie about it,
and then stick to the lie

even after
he caught you?

Yes, I did that.

It's just our luck

they bring over
the one thing on earth

you're not willing to throw
down your gullet.

Uh-uh.

This is all your fault.

You can stop
whispering.

All the windows
are closed.

Okay. This is all
your fault, okay?

You had to invite 'em
over here

to prove how
sophisticated we are

with our jazz playing
and our Scotch drinking.

I just wanted
to show them

that we are a happy,
loving couple.

Well, you should have known
we couldn't handle that!

Oy,what these
people must think

when they
look at us.

Oh, my God.

Do you see what's
happened here?

We're the new
neighborhood freaks.

-No, we're not.
-Yes, we are.

When the Sackskys moved,

they left a freak void
and we filled it.

What about
little-eyed Goldberg?

It's big-eyed
Goldberg and so what?

His features
are a little off.

That's exotic.

I'd kill for
a big eye right now.

We're the freaks, Doug,
not the Goldberg boy.

We're the freaks!

Oh, spank me hard!

[EXHALES]

You gotta let it go.
It's over.

I want to, but I can't.

Yes, you can.

This isn't
the Carrie I know.

The Carrie I know doesn't care
what other people think.

She gets up every morning,

she gets dressed, she walks out
the front door,

and she gives
the world the finger.

I miss that Carrie.

You're right.
You are so right.

I mean, who the hell
do they think they are?

"We're Mike and Debi.

We're tall and we drink
Scotch."

-There you go!
-I mean, we don't need them.

-We got each other.
-You and me, babe.

You know what?
I hate their guts.

Welcome back.

[**]

Car?

You home?

Car?

DEBI: You didn't have to buy
us new Scotch, Carrie.

Really, take it back.

CARRIE: No, I want
you to have it.

I mean, I don't know
what Doug was thinking.

I mean, he's not
a bad guy, but he lies.

Actually, that's
what we fight about

most of the time:

his lying.

I hear you!

What the hell
are you doing?!

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Just relax, okay?

Oh, now I'm
supposed to relax?

What happened about
last night, huh?

Whatever happened to not carin'
what these people think?

Look, Doug, I'm sorry.
I was wrong, okay?

I mean,
they're sitting over there

with their Harvard degrees
and their fancy babies

and all I've got
that I'm proud of is us

and I wanted them to know it.

Us?

I heard you in there,
you totally sold me out.

-Oh, my God.
-What are you doing?

Honey, we gotta kiss

or they're gonna think
something is wrong. Come on.

Something is wrong!

Stop it!

Look, whether you like it
or not, we are who we are.

Okay, I drive a truck,
we hate Scotch,

we fight like cats
and dogs. Deal with it.

I don't want
to deal with it.

You don't want to deal
with it? Oh, okay.

You know what?
You're right.

I don't hate Scotch.

I love it.
Oh, that's right.

I love...mmm.

Stop. They're gonna
think you're crazy!

Stop it!

Oh, what am I,
embarrassing you, huh?
Stop it. Yes.

How about this
for crazy, huh?!
Want some?!

You want some?!

[SIREN WHIRS]

Excuse me.
Carrie Heffernan?

Uh, yes?

What's going on?

Your father's been
jumping turnstiles

the last couple
of days.

Don't say anything,
darling.

They got
nothin' on me.

You know why he jumped
the turnstile?

The whole damn family's
crazy.

Sir, have you
been drinking?

No, I haven't been drinkin'.

Sir, you have an open
bottle of Scotch

and you reek
of alcohol.

And that's
all her fault!

Don't you yell at her,
you shirtless bastard.

-Shut up!
-You shut up!

Make me, Grandpa!

All right, let's dance!

[BOTH ARGUE]

You have a place you can
stay tonight, ma'am?

The neighbors,
maybe?

[ARGUING CONTINUES]

No.

You turned me in.

You're a bigger man
than I thought.

Just did
what I had to do.

I respect that.

I'll take
one token, please.

-You got it.
-[TOKEN CLATTERS]

And, uh...

this is for you.

In your face!

[LAUGHING]

[**]