Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,620 --> 00:00:06,170
CARRIE: Doug? Honey?
2
00:00:06,210 --> 00:00:07,630
I'm out here!
3
00:00:11,590 --> 00:00:13,680
What are you doin' out
on the porch?
4
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:16,640
Just takin' in
the evening.
5
00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,260
What is this, Mayberry?
6
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:21,390
Come on out. Join me.
It's a beautiful night.
7
00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:23,730
Look--look, you can see
the big bopper.
8
00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:30,480
It is kinda nice.
9
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:32,610
-Ain't it?
-Yeah.
10
00:00:32,650 --> 00:00:34,820
Oh, look, Mrs. Chang's
lettin' her cat in.
11
00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:36,320
Oh, yeah, she loves that little
12
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:38,530
tabby, huh?
13
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:41,200
Hey, check it out. The Garrisons
got some new trash cans.
14
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:42,500
Oh, yeah.
15
00:00:42,540 --> 00:00:44,250
Wheels on 'em.
16
00:00:46,790 --> 00:00:49,880
Hey, couple young fellas down
there, shootin' the breeze.
17
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,840
Yeah.
18
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:55,760
Oh, look. One of them
just took out a wad of cash.
19
00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:01,850
Now the other one's taking it
and giving him a little baggie.
20
00:01:01,890 --> 00:01:03,810
Oh, my God,
they just looked at us!
21
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,400
SINGER: *My eyes aregettin' weary*
22
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,820
*My back is gettin' tight*
23
00:01:12,860 --> 00:01:14,860
*I'm sittin' herein traffic*
24
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:17,820
*On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
25
00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:23,410
*But I don't care,'cause all I want to do*
26
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:28,630
*Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
27
00:01:28,670 --> 00:01:30,540
*'Cause, baby,all my life*
28
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:34,340
*I will be drivin' hometo you*
29
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:43,810
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
30
00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:46,850
-Hey, babe.
-Hey.
31
00:01:46,890 --> 00:01:48,770
Where's, uh,
where's breakfast?
32
00:01:48,810 --> 00:01:50,860
Coming right up.
33
00:01:57,900 --> 00:02:00,910
Slimtime
morning meal 1-a.
34
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,120
Kill me now.
35
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:07,250
Doug, you agreed
to start your diet today.
36
00:02:07,290 --> 00:02:08,620
The doctor said
your cholesterol
37
00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:09,830
was through the roof.
38
00:02:09,870 --> 00:02:11,130
But maybe he meant that
in a good way,
39
00:02:11,170 --> 00:02:13,800
like, you know,
"Through the roof!" Aww aww!
40
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,260
Aww aww!
41
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:16,300
Listen, I paid
42
00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:18,090
for 8 weeks
of these meals,
43
00:02:18,130 --> 00:02:19,340
so this diet
is happening.
44
00:02:19,380 --> 00:02:21,340
So no more wing night
at Coopers,
45
00:02:21,390 --> 00:02:22,680
no more poker
with the guys--
46
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:23,760
No more poker?
Why not?
47
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,270
Because you
always pig out.
48
00:02:25,310 --> 00:02:26,980
-I do not!
-Doug, you once told me
49
00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:29,060
you only played poker
because it adds excitement
50
00:02:29,100 --> 00:02:30,730
to your eating.
51
00:02:33,110 --> 00:02:36,900
Excuse me
for embracing life.
52
00:02:36,940 --> 00:02:38,360
Come on, honey,
trust me.
53
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,660
Once you start
losing weight,
54
00:02:40,700 --> 00:02:41,990
you will feel
much better.
55
00:02:42,030 --> 00:02:44,780
Now, come on, you have
a great little meal here.
56
00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:47,700
Mmm, smells good.
57
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,790
And the guy
at the diet center said--
58
00:02:49,830 --> 00:02:51,620
I'm done.
59
00:02:51,670 --> 00:02:52,880
You are not done,
60
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:54,880
you still got your little
meat thingie there.
61
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:57,880
Oh, yeah, that little
stamp of ham. Okay.
62
00:02:57,920 --> 00:02:59,010
Can I at least have
some mustard for it?
63
00:02:59,050 --> 00:03:01,720
Yeah, go crazy.
64
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:02,840
Dad, what are you doing?
65
00:03:02,890 --> 00:03:04,640
This is a perfectly
good container.
66
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:06,640
Why are you
throwing it out?
67
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:08,930
Because when I buy
margarine again,
68
00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:10,140
I'm pretty sure
they're gonna give me
69
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:13,060
another container
to take it home in.
70
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:15,650
All I know is this
would make a lovely holder
71
00:03:15,690 --> 00:03:18,610
for my collection
of civil war bullets.
72
00:03:18,650 --> 00:03:19,900
And all I know is,
73
00:03:19,940 --> 00:03:22,240
downstairs you have
a million empty boxes,
74
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,370
Jell-O cups,
VapoRub jars,
75
00:03:24,410 --> 00:03:25,870
and nothing
in any of them!
76
00:03:25,910 --> 00:03:27,740
You looked through
my private things?
77
00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:29,700
Shame on you!
78
00:03:32,210 --> 00:03:34,040
Doug, what
are you doing?
79
00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:37,840
Answer me.
80
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:38,880
DOUG: I can't find the mustard.
81
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,170
CARRIE: Doug!
82
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,930
-What?
-Oh, God, it's like I'm living
83
00:03:41,970 --> 00:03:44,260
with toddlers here!
Okay, listen to me.
84
00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:45,760
I am coming home
late tonight.
85
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:46,970
In the meantime,
86
00:03:47,010 --> 00:03:48,810
you stay out
of the garbage,
87
00:03:48,850 --> 00:03:50,730
and you stay out
of the big, cold box,
88
00:03:50,770 --> 00:03:52,060
do you understand
89
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:54,020
what mommy is saying?
90
00:03:54,060 --> 00:03:55,270
-Yes, ma'am.
-Yes, ma'am.
91
00:03:55,310 --> 00:03:56,360
Okay, good.
92
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,650
I'll see you tonight.
93
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:08,950
You know, when I gave her
to you, she was sweet as pie.
94
00:04:08,990 --> 00:04:12,830
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
95
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,670
[MICROWAVE DINGS]
96
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:24,090
Gets smaller
when you cook it. Huh.
97
00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:25,680
Okay.
98
00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:30,850
Oh, God.
99
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:55,210
Hello, Douglas.
100
00:04:55,250 --> 00:04:56,750
Hey, Arthur, uh...
101
00:04:58,540 --> 00:05:00,210
what you, uh--
102
00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:01,880
what you got there?
103
00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:04,880
Pizza pie.
104
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,470
Good for you.
105
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:22,980
Mmm.
106
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:31,910
-Ohh!
-All right.
107
00:05:31,950 --> 00:05:34,080
You're gonna have
to stop doin' that.
108
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,040
I can't help it.
This is delicious pizza.
109
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,460
Okay, if I hear
one more "Mmm" or "Ahh,"
110
00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:41,340
I'm coming at you hard.
111
00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:43,090
You hear? Gotcha.
112
00:05:56,270 --> 00:05:58,480
-Ooh!
-That's it!
113
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,770
Get up, short stuff!
Hit the stairs!
114
00:06:00,810 --> 00:06:01,820
Fine.
115
00:06:01,860 --> 00:06:04,070
I shouldn't have
to eat in fear!
116
00:06:38,020 --> 00:06:40,480
[INHALES DEEPLY]
117
00:06:59,540 --> 00:07:01,420
God, please
be a prowler.
118
00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:07,210
You are so busted,
mister!
119
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,590
I didn't mean to cheat!
120
00:07:08,630 --> 00:07:10,340
Arthur left me here
alone with this pizza,
121
00:07:10,380 --> 00:07:11,930
and I--I blacked out,
122
00:07:11,970 --> 00:07:13,090
and when I came to,
123
00:07:13,140 --> 00:07:14,300
I was eating her.
124
00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:15,850
Weird.
125
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:21,390
Well...
126
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,440
it's mine now.
127
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:25,940
I will eat this,
128
00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:28,570
and you eat whatever
that is there,
129
00:07:28,610 --> 00:07:29,650
because you
are sticking
130
00:07:29,690 --> 00:07:32,110
to your diet,
my buddy friend.
131
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,370
Fine.
132
00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:49,010
Oh, have
your stupid pizza.
133
00:07:50,130 --> 00:07:52,550
-Really?
-Yeah.
134
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:58,970
You're not just baiting me
like the time
135
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,060
you told me I could get
the porn channel,
136
00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:03,600
then said I disgust you?
137
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:04,650
No.
138
00:08:04,690 --> 00:08:08,320
Go ahead.
I know you love it.
139
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:09,900
Okay, then.
140
00:08:11,070 --> 00:08:13,490
*Pizza, pizza, pizza*
141
00:08:13,530 --> 00:08:15,700
So where you been
tonight?
142
00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:17,200
Oh, um...
143
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:18,330
there's
a new secretary
144
00:08:18,370 --> 00:08:19,540
on our floor,
145
00:08:19,580 --> 00:08:20,580
and after work,
146
00:08:20,620 --> 00:08:23,420
we went out
for a drink.
147
00:08:23,460 --> 00:08:25,250
A drink?
148
00:08:25,290 --> 00:08:26,330
Did you, now?
149
00:08:26,380 --> 00:08:27,540
Mm-hmm.
150
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:30,090
Oh, we ordered one
of those apple Martinis.
151
00:08:30,130 --> 00:08:32,970
They are so good!
152
00:08:33,010 --> 00:08:34,340
Little cocktail,
God bless.
153
00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:35,930
Mm-hmm.
154
00:08:38,220 --> 00:08:41,060
Oh! You gonna have
some garlic bread?
155
00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:43,020
As a matter of fact,
I am.
156
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:48,190
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
157
00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:51,990
LOU: Okay, open for 2.
158
00:08:52,030 --> 00:08:54,360
I'll see you
and raise 5.
159
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:57,200
Raise 5, huh, Lou?
160
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:58,950
Methinks the next-door
neighbor is trying
161
00:08:58,990 --> 00:09:00,370
to scare everyone out
162
00:09:00,410 --> 00:09:02,290
with a big, bad bluff.
163
00:09:02,330 --> 00:09:03,410
So, you in,
or you out?
164
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:06,040
Oh, I'm out.
165
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,130
It's to you, Danny.
166
00:09:07,170 --> 00:09:09,420
Well, he's not
scarin' me.
167
00:09:09,460 --> 00:09:12,090
I call.
168
00:09:12,130 --> 00:09:13,470
What do you got,
big guy?
169
00:09:13,510 --> 00:09:14,550
A pair of 10s.
170
00:09:14,590 --> 00:09:16,090
[LAUGHS]
171
00:09:16,130 --> 00:09:17,180
Straight to the ace!
172
00:09:17,220 --> 00:09:19,350
-Oh!
-Oh, yeah!
173
00:09:19,390 --> 00:09:22,100
Sorry, Ferrigno,
don't get mad.
174
00:09:22,140 --> 00:09:24,270
Oh, I think he's turning
a little green.
175
00:09:24,310 --> 00:09:26,310
[LAUGHS]
176
00:09:26,350 --> 00:09:27,600
Hey, if that shirt
starts ripping,
177
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,270
I'm outta here!
178
00:09:31,150 --> 00:09:33,490
I was told there'd
be no hulk jokes.
179
00:09:33,530 --> 00:09:35,150
New guy.
180
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,990
All right, we got
cheese in a can,
181
00:09:37,030 --> 00:09:38,110
cheese in a jar,
182
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,570
and for those of you
eating lighter,
183
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:41,330
pork rinds.
184
00:09:41,370 --> 00:09:43,290
Wait, I thought Carrie
was making you go on a diet.
185
00:09:43,330 --> 00:09:44,750
Yeah, what's up?
She seen you in your underwear
186
00:09:44,790 --> 00:09:46,500
and just give up?
187
00:09:48,250 --> 00:09:50,460
Nope. Things have
changed around here.
188
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:52,090
I eat what I want,
189
00:09:52,130 --> 00:09:53,630
I play poker
when I want,
190
00:09:53,670 --> 00:09:56,010
and I scratch
where I want.
191
00:09:57,340 --> 00:09:58,720
All because Carrie
discovered
192
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,640
the apple Martini.
193
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:02,220
-Huh?
-What?
194
00:10:02,260 --> 00:10:03,470
Yeah. Every night now,
she goes out for a drink
195
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,640
with this other secretary,
196
00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:07,480
and I get, after 6:00,
"Happy Carrie."
197
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,190
Oh, get
outta here, man.
198
00:10:09,230 --> 00:10:10,230
No, I'm serious.
199
00:10:10,270 --> 00:10:11,440
She's sweet.
She's funny.
200
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,280
She's frisk-ay!
201
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:15,690
It's all the beautiful
qualities I married her for
202
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:18,030
without the unpleasant
aftertaste.
203
00:10:19,530 --> 00:10:20,570
But, Doug,
204
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,080
isn't it better
to love the person
205
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,160
for who they really are,
not when they're made
206
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,790
artificially nicer
by alcohol?
207
00:10:26,830 --> 00:10:28,790
You're adorable.
208
00:10:30,750 --> 00:10:32,170
DOUG: Hey, evening,
sweet cakes.
209
00:10:32,210 --> 00:10:33,500
What's up, Carrie?
210
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:35,090
Do me a favor.
Take a look at Lou's cards
211
00:10:35,130 --> 00:10:38,130
and blink twice if he can
beat a pair of jacks.
212
00:10:39,380 --> 00:10:40,390
What are you doing?
213
00:10:40,430 --> 00:10:41,760
What? You said
we could play.
214
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,350
Yeah, in the garage.
215
00:10:43,390 --> 00:10:44,760
Well, it's kind of
cold out there,
216
00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:47,600
and there's a car.
217
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,560
So you just decided
to come in here
218
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,610
and put a huge scratch
in the hardwood floor?
219
00:10:52,650 --> 00:10:54,570
Oh. Yeah, we were
moving the couch,
220
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:56,570
and Spence buckled.
221
00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,360
And who spilled the beer?
222
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,280
DOUG: Again, that
would be Spence.
223
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,700
Well, haven't we
been busy?
224
00:11:03,740 --> 00:11:05,240
That's great.
That's great, buddy.
225
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:09,120
That's why I don't like
you guys playing in here.
226
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,290
And while we're at it,
227
00:11:10,330 --> 00:11:12,750
let's say bye-bye
to the stogies. Yeah!
228
00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:19,130
I gotta tell you, I'm not
seeing the difference.
229
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,430
Sorry about the mess
out there.
230
00:11:26,470 --> 00:11:28,220
But the good news is,
I'm up $11,
231
00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:30,640
and that's going straight
towards your mink stole.
232
00:11:32,270 --> 00:11:33,610
Uh, so, you're, uh,
233
00:11:33,650 --> 00:11:34,770
home earlier than usual.
234
00:11:34,810 --> 00:11:36,110
You didn't stop off
235
00:11:36,150 --> 00:11:37,570
for a drink
with your friend tonight?
236
00:11:37,610 --> 00:11:40,150
CARRIE: Nope. I'm pretty sure
we're never gonna be
237
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,740
hanging out
ever again.
238
00:11:42,780 --> 00:11:43,780
W-why not?
239
00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:45,910
She told my boss
I was stealing
240
00:11:45,950 --> 00:11:47,830
because
she wants my job.
241
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:52,540
That's nothin'!
242
00:11:52,580 --> 00:11:55,210
I gotta tell you, Carr, I think
you're way overreacting here.
243
00:11:55,250 --> 00:11:57,210
The girl
is a backstabbing skank,
244
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,840
and I am never hanging
out with her again.
245
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,760
Why do you care
so much, anyway?
246
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,180
I mean, I care
about you.
247
00:12:03,220 --> 00:12:05,430
I just care
about keeping you...
248
00:12:05,470 --> 00:12:06,510
happy.
249
00:12:06,550 --> 00:12:08,430
Oh, yeah? Well,
how 'bout we stop
250
00:12:08,470 --> 00:12:09,770
chain-swallowing yodels?
251
00:12:09,810 --> 00:12:11,770
That'll be
a start, 'kay?
252
00:12:11,810 --> 00:12:14,440
Will do.
253
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,400
Oh, and just, uh,
for my own schedule,
254
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:18,230
you're not gonna be
making any more pit stops
255
00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:20,610
after work, right? You're--
you're coming straight home?
256
00:12:20,650 --> 00:12:22,150
Yep.
257
00:12:24,530 --> 00:12:28,450
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
258
00:12:30,870 --> 00:12:32,330
I'm home!
259
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:35,500
Hey, who's thirsty?
260
00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:44,130
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
261
00:12:45,970 --> 00:12:47,180
Oh, it's great, Spence.
262
00:12:47,220 --> 00:12:49,560
I started
this apple Martini hour.
263
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,220
She couldn't love it more.
264
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,060
Every night,
she comes home from work,
265
00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:55,770
we have cocktails,
and all of the sudden,
266
00:12:55,810 --> 00:12:58,570
I'm Major Nelson,
and she's my Jeannie.
267
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:04,070
No, no, no. You can't
be Major Healey.
268
00:13:06,740 --> 00:13:08,870
I gotta go.
269
00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:09,990
Hey baby.
270
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:11,660
Ooh.
271
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:13,000
It's the I.P.S. Man.
272
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,210
At your service.
273
00:13:14,250 --> 00:13:16,620
Mmm...
274
00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:18,920
You got a package
for me?
275
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,210
I might.
276
00:13:20,250 --> 00:13:21,250
And did I happen
to mention
277
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,840
we guarantee
on-time delivery?
278
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,340
Well, I will be
the judge of that.
279
00:13:32,350 --> 00:13:34,060
Hey! I was thinking.
280
00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:38,690
We should get one of those big
flat-screen TVs for the bedroom.
281
00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:41,320
I think I just delivered
my package early.
282
00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:47,280
Oh, sorry to interrupt
your all-too-public
283
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,990
lovemaking session,
but...
284
00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:51,950
I must take out the trash.
285
00:13:51,990 --> 00:13:53,410
Thanks, Arthur.
286
00:13:53,450 --> 00:13:55,960
You'll be happy to know
I'm throwing away an egg carton
287
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,830
which would be
a wonderful organizer
288
00:13:57,870 --> 00:13:59,630
for my pills.
289
00:13:59,670 --> 00:14:01,960
But I guess I'll just
leave them lying willy-nilly
290
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,050
on the dryer.
291
00:14:04,090 --> 00:14:05,340
You know what, dad?
292
00:14:05,380 --> 00:14:07,300
Keep your carton.
293
00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:08,970
-Really?
-Yeah.
294
00:14:09,010 --> 00:14:10,970
You're a little pack rat,
but I love you.
295
00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:14,930
Well, file this
under "C" for curve ball.
296
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,400
Evening, Louis.
297
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,020
Hi, Arthur.
298
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:24,230
By the way, I believe
we have a mutual friend
299
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,150
in Joe Weider.
300
00:14:31,870 --> 00:14:33,370
You a vodka man,
Arthur?
301
00:14:33,410 --> 00:14:34,870
Oh, no, not me.
For some reason,
302
00:14:34,910 --> 00:14:36,330
Douglas has started
making cocktails
303
00:14:36,370 --> 00:14:38,290
every night
when Carrie gets home.
304
00:14:38,330 --> 00:14:39,830
Really?
305
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:42,790
I never thought
he'd go this far.
306
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,210
What are you
talking about?
307
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:47,170
He told me he likes
her better drunk.
308
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,380
Are you telling me
he's been pouring vodka
309
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:50,800
down my little girl's throat
310
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,720
just to make her
what he wants?
311
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,260
Is that why
she's suddenly become
312
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:55,850
this sweet little powder puff
313
00:14:55,890 --> 00:14:57,100
without an ounce
of gumption
314
00:14:57,140 --> 00:14:58,980
or will of her own?
315
00:14:59,020 --> 00:15:00,230
[COCKTAIL SHAKER RATTLING]
316
00:15:00,270 --> 00:15:03,110
-Hey, there.
-Hi!
317
00:15:03,150 --> 00:15:05,360
Cocktails are served!
318
00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:10,990
Well, the truth is,
319
00:15:11,030 --> 00:15:12,490
Hemingway wanted
to be Faulkner,
320
00:15:12,530 --> 00:15:15,200
and Faulkner wanted
to be Hemingway.
321
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,790
My opinion? Neither
could hold a candle
322
00:15:17,830 --> 00:15:19,330
to Fitzgerald.
323
00:15:19,370 --> 00:15:20,370
But then again,
324
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,040
he had to live
with Zelda!
325
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,710
[ALL LAUGHING]
326
00:15:26,380 --> 00:15:27,840
I don't know what
he's talking about,
327
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,760
but he's got a piece
of cheese in his mustache
328
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,010
that's
cracking me up!
329
00:15:31,050 --> 00:15:33,300
This is fun, isn't it?
Just plain fun!
330
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:35,220
Yes, it reminds me
of the time
331
00:15:35,260 --> 00:15:38,310
when drinking was smart
and sophisticated,
332
00:15:38,350 --> 00:15:41,310
not the ugly thing
that it's become.
333
00:15:41,350 --> 00:15:43,310
Well, thanks for putting
out this whole platter.
334
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,190
You know what I haven't
told you in a while?
335
00:15:45,230 --> 00:15:48,230
You're a great dad.
336
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,320
Well, darling, I don't know
what to say, except...
337
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:52,360
let me give you
a refill.
338
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:53,910
-Wait, whoa, whoa!
-Okay!
339
00:15:53,950 --> 00:15:55,910
Take it easy now.
Take it easy now. All right?
340
00:15:55,950 --> 00:15:57,160
Hey, Arthur, instead,
why don't you tell us
341
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:58,830
-another little story--
-Oh! Blah, blah,
342
00:15:58,870 --> 00:16:00,160
blah, blah,
blah, blah!
343
00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,830
Come on!
I'm bored!
344
00:16:01,870 --> 00:16:03,170
Let's go
do something.
345
00:16:03,210 --> 00:16:04,540
You know, it's just
that I gotta be up
346
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:06,170
for work early, honey.
I want to be sharp tomorrow.
347
00:16:06,210 --> 00:16:08,050
Oh, yeah. "Sign here
for this package, ma'am."
348
00:16:08,090 --> 00:16:09,210
Gotta be sharp
for that!
349
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,090
No, I--
350
00:16:11,130 --> 00:16:13,970
Come on, let's
do something fun!
351
00:16:14,010 --> 00:16:15,100
Like what?
352
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,930
Ooh!
353
00:16:18,390 --> 00:16:20,850
[LAUGHS] Watch out,
coming to your left!
354
00:16:20,890 --> 00:16:22,520
Nice job refilling
her drink.
355
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,100
Good choice.
356
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:27,230
-Hey!
-Excuse me.
357
00:16:27,270 --> 00:16:29,860
-Whoop!
-I'm gonna get her, okay?
358
00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:31,190
Uh, Carr, come on!
359
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,030
Time to go, Carr!
360
00:16:33,070 --> 00:16:34,860
-All right?
-Oh, okay. Okay.
361
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:35,910
But, honey,
362
00:16:35,950 --> 00:16:36,990
you have to catch me
first, though!
363
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:39,290
Carrie!
Carrie!
364
00:16:39,330 --> 00:16:42,040
-Carrie!
-[LAUGHS]
365
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,580
Oh! Whoa!
366
00:16:43,620 --> 00:16:45,000
Whoo! Waah!
367
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,580
Carrie, would you
stop, please?
368
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:49,210
This is not funny!
Okay, come on? Okay?
369
00:16:49,250 --> 00:16:51,130
Whoo-hah!
370
00:16:59,970 --> 00:17:02,430
[ENGINE REVVING]
371
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:15,450
Hey, guys.
372
00:17:15,490 --> 00:17:18,240
Hey, Lou.
Hey, snowball.
373
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:19,280
So...
374
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:20,540
uh, what's going on?
375
00:17:20,580 --> 00:17:22,450
Nothing much. Just getting
back from skating.
376
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,080
Little lady's
pretty tuckered out.
377
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:25,330
Night!
378
00:17:36,550 --> 00:17:38,050
That's it. That's it.
379
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:39,970
I-I'm pulling the plug
on cocktail hour.
380
00:17:40,010 --> 00:17:41,180
What? Why?
381
00:17:41,220 --> 00:17:43,140
Because wh-what
we're doing here,
382
00:17:43,180 --> 00:17:44,430
it's just not right.
383
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,140
This isn't a moral issue.
384
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:48,310
It's a dosage issue!
385
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:50,610
This is how we learn!
386
00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:52,070
It's over, Arthur.
387
00:17:52,110 --> 00:17:53,400
But these last few days
have been
388
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,990
some of the best
of my life.
389
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:56,950
I won't go back
to the way it was.
390
00:17:56,990 --> 00:17:59,240
I'll die first.
391
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:00,950
You don't think I've
been loving it, too?
392
00:18:00,990 --> 00:18:04,450
You think I want to go back
to eating sensibly?
393
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:05,910
Douglas,
394
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,960
we're in too deep
to turn back,
395
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,380
and you know it.
396
00:18:10,420 --> 00:18:12,340
I don't know, Arthur.
I--I just don't know.
397
00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:13,550
Come on!
398
00:18:13,590 --> 00:18:15,590
Let's not lose
our heads!
399
00:18:15,630 --> 00:18:17,470
We'll go back
to one drink a night.
400
00:18:17,510 --> 00:18:20,010
It'll be fine.
401
00:18:20,050 --> 00:18:21,350
Stay the course,
man!
402
00:18:21,390 --> 00:18:23,180
Stay the course!
403
00:18:31,650 --> 00:18:33,480
Remind me to get
more vodka.
404
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:38,110
Hey, Lou.
405
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:39,320
Oh, hey.
How's it going?
406
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:40,570
Uh, I'm all right.
407
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:41,990
I've had a headache all day.
Little too much
408
00:18:42,030 --> 00:18:43,540
to drink last night.
409
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:46,000
Carrie?
410
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,500
We need to talk.
411
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:55,340
-Hey!
-Hey! Just in time!
412
00:18:55,380 --> 00:18:57,220
CARRIE: Oh, look at you two!
413
00:18:57,260 --> 00:19:00,010
You are such sweeties!
414
00:19:00,050 --> 00:19:02,350
Oh, thank you.
415
00:19:02,390 --> 00:19:04,060
Mmm!
416
00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:05,640
This is good.
417
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,100
You know what?
418
00:19:07,140 --> 00:19:09,100
Suddenly I feel
less bitchy
419
00:19:09,140 --> 00:19:10,940
and easier to live with.
420
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,530
Oh, God.
421
00:19:15,570 --> 00:19:18,490
I know what you've been
doing with these Martinis!
422
00:19:18,530 --> 00:19:20,490
ARTHUR: What? Has he been
getting us drunk
423
00:19:20,530 --> 00:19:23,530
to change
our personalities?
424
00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:25,120
How dare you?!
425
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:32,750
I just do not
believe you!
426
00:19:32,790 --> 00:19:34,090
Would you let me explain?
427
00:19:34,130 --> 00:19:35,500
What's there
to explain? Just say,
428
00:19:35,550 --> 00:19:37,130
"I prefer
my wife drunk."
429
00:19:37,170 --> 00:19:38,720
No, no, not drunk,
more like,
430
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,180
sober plus.
431
00:19:41,220 --> 00:19:42,300
I didn't mean for it
to happen like this.
432
00:19:42,340 --> 00:19:43,600
You know that.
I mean...
433
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,180
it's just that you went
out with your friend,
434
00:19:45,220 --> 00:19:47,350
and you had a drink, and I
couldn't help but notice
435
00:19:47,390 --> 00:19:48,560
how it brought out
all your wonderful--
436
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,480
natural qualities.
437
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:53,610
And P.S.,
God's honest truth?
438
00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:56,110
You were a delight!
439
00:19:56,150 --> 00:19:57,530
I should've
suspected something.
440
00:19:57,570 --> 00:19:59,610
I mean, you don't
even like Martinis.
441
00:19:59,650 --> 00:20:01,320
I'm so stupid!
442
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,620
Actually, I've been
drinking Gatorade.
443
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:06,580
What?
444
00:20:06,620 --> 00:20:08,160
Damn it!
445
00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,670
Let me ask you
this, Doug:
446
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,460
am I that hard
to be around
447
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:15,630
without a drink in me?
I mean...
448
00:20:15,670 --> 00:20:18,460
am I that unpleasant?
449
00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:19,800
No!
450
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,630
You are so full
of crap!
451
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,130
Come on, Carrie.
I'm sorry!
452
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,180
You know I love you!
I love you however you are!
453
00:20:25,220 --> 00:20:27,010
Drunk, sober,
mean, nice.
454
00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:28,100
Oh, that's sweet,
honey,
455
00:20:28,140 --> 00:20:29,640
and I love you
however you are.
456
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,060
Fat, really fat,
457
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:33,350
lose 5 pounds
but still fat.
458
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:38,150
You know what?
Your hurtful comment
459
00:20:38,190 --> 00:20:39,230
just made a point for me.
460
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:40,530
What are you
talking about?
461
00:20:40,570 --> 00:20:42,320
You don't really like
who I am, either.
462
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:45,070
You're trying to change me
with this whole diet thing.
463
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,530
Yeah, how do you think
that makes me feel?
464
00:20:46,570 --> 00:20:48,490
Doug, I am not trying
to keep you drunk.
465
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:51,620
I am trying to help you
live to see 40.
466
00:20:51,660 --> 00:20:53,120
It still hurts!
467
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:57,250
Look, I don't want
to fight with you, okay?
468
00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:59,300
I mean...how about this?
469
00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:00,670
How 'bout we both stop
trying to change each other,
470
00:21:00,710 --> 00:21:03,380
'cause I think we learned
that that doesn't work.
471
00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:06,140
Huh? Come on, now,
what do you say?
472
00:21:06,180 --> 00:21:08,390
Or how about this:
473
00:21:08,430 --> 00:21:10,100
I do nothing,
and you change
474
00:21:10,140 --> 00:21:13,600
everything about you
I don't like.
475
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,150
-Okey-doke.
-All right.
476
00:21:16,190 --> 00:21:18,650
[DOORBELL RINGS]
477
00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:23,110
-What?
-Hey, we're here to watch
478
00:21:23,150 --> 00:21:24,780
-the game.
-Yeah. No.
479
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,120
Still not seein' it.
480
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:34,620
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
481
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,640
MAN [OVER TV]:
[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
482
00:22:15,870 --> 00:22:18,000
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
32346
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof