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1
00:00:02,750 --> 00:00:05,210
[**]
2
00:00:05,250 --> 00:00:07,590
[TV SHOW PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
3
00:00:07,630 --> 00:00:09,670
Hmph.
What?
4
00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:12,300
[SMACKS LIPS]
5
00:00:12,340 --> 00:00:13,800
I'm a little parched.
6
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:19,720
[GLASS CLINKS]
7
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,190
[SIGHS]
8
00:00:26,230 --> 00:00:28,570
What, you want a beer?
9
00:00:28,610 --> 00:00:31,400
What the hell
did you do over there?
10
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:35,240
This? Nothing,
just a little upgrade
on the night table.
11
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,160
Is that a refrigerator?
12
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,580
I like to refer to it
as a minibar, but yes.
13
00:00:41,330 --> 00:00:42,830
What do you got in there?
14
00:00:44,830 --> 00:00:47,330
Beer, Devil Dogs,
15
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:49,170
leftover Chinese.
16
00:00:50,460 --> 00:00:51,500
Cocktail sauce?
17
00:00:51,550 --> 00:00:53,630
This--
This is absurd!
18
00:00:53,670 --> 00:00:55,840
Yeah, it's absurd
until we're up here eatin'
shrimp without any sauce!
19
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:57,550
Then, not so absurd.
20
00:00:57,590 --> 00:01:00,600
No, I mean the refrigerator,
the whole thing.
21
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:02,220
You can't do this.
It's just--
22
00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,770
It's-- It's not done.
23
00:01:04,810 --> 00:01:06,730
Why do you fear change?
24
00:01:06,770 --> 00:01:08,690
Oh, this is stupid.
25
00:01:08,730 --> 00:01:09,860
I'm going to sleep.
26
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:11,780
All right, good night,
Miss Fridge-less.
27
00:01:14,610 --> 00:01:17,240
[SNIFFS, EXHALES]
28
00:01:18,450 --> 00:01:21,280
[RATTLING]
29
00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:29,170
[RATTLING STOPS]
30
00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:37,130
[RATTLING]
31
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,470
It's gone
in the morning.
32
00:01:42,510 --> 00:01:46,270
* My eyesare gettin' weary *
33
00:01:46,310 --> 00:01:48,480
* My back is gettin' tight *
34
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:50,480
* I'm sittin' herein traffic *
35
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,270
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight *
36
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:58,950
* But I don't care,'cause all I want to do *
37
00:01:58,990 --> 00:02:02,490
* Is cash my check and driveright home to you *
38
00:02:04,540 --> 00:02:06,290
* 'Cause, baby,all my life *
39
00:02:06,330 --> 00:02:09,750
* I will be drivin' hometo you *
40
00:02:18,510 --> 00:02:20,970
Welcome home from
the hospital, Dad.
41
00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:23,510
Yeah, it's really great
to have you back, Arthur.
42
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,230
So how does it feel
to be home?
43
00:02:28,270 --> 00:02:30,060
Delightful.
[DOOR CLOSES]
44
00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:32,730
So where is everybody?
45
00:02:32,770 --> 00:02:36,740
What?
For my welcome home
surprise party?
46
00:02:36,780 --> 00:02:40,110
Um, Dad, there's
no surprise party.
47
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,780
Then, uh, heh,
I guess you won't mind...
48
00:02:42,820 --> 00:02:45,540
if I look behind the couch!
49
00:02:46,580 --> 00:02:47,950
You just had heart surgery.
50
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,620
Our first thought
wasn't to have
51
00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:51,080
people jump out and scare ya.
52
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:54,040
Uh-huh. Then I guess
you would have no problem
53
00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:55,550
with me going...
54
00:02:55,590 --> 00:02:57,630
into the kitchen!
55
00:03:00,010 --> 00:03:01,630
Oh, you're very good.
56
00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:05,890
All right, before you look
under the sink,
57
00:03:05,930 --> 00:03:08,100
we really didn't plan
a party.
58
00:03:08,140 --> 00:03:10,230
Then what was
all that stalling
at the hospital?
59
00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:13,900
I was gettin' the car,
and apologizing to
your scrub nurse.
60
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,230
So not even a cake?
61
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,900
I'm sorry.
62
00:03:18,940 --> 00:03:20,860
I claw my way back
from death's door,
63
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:23,110
and I don't even get a cake?
64
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,240
[GROANS]
65
00:03:25,530 --> 00:03:27,200
That's bakery.
I'm takin' this!
66
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,620
That's stale bread
for the ducks.
67
00:03:29,660 --> 00:03:31,210
It's mine now!
68
00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,960
CARRIE:
Dad, breakfast!
69
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,800
ARTHUR:
No, thank you!
70
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,130
I made you egg whites,
like they said.
71
00:03:41,170 --> 00:03:43,300
ARTHUR: What's the point
without the yellow?
72
00:03:43,340 --> 00:03:45,720
That's the actual
baby chicken.
73
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:47,560
Why does he do that?
74
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:52,100
You gotta eat.
Want me to bring you
down a tray?
75
00:03:52,140 --> 00:03:55,020
ARTHUR: No! Don't you
come down here!
76
00:03:56,690 --> 00:03:58,570
Something's wrong.
77
00:03:58,610 --> 00:03:59,900
CARRIE: Dad?!
78
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,990
Dad.
79
00:04:02,030 --> 00:04:03,910
ARTHUR: I'm
in the bathroom.
80
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,830
What are you doin'
in there?
81
00:04:06,870 --> 00:04:09,620
Be vague.
82
00:04:09,660 --> 00:04:11,870
I was stepping
from the shower,
83
00:04:11,910 --> 00:04:15,540
and I started
feeling a bit woozy
from my new medication.
84
00:04:15,580 --> 00:04:17,170
Long story short,
85
00:04:17,210 --> 00:04:21,260
I'm currently wedged between
the sink and the toilet.
86
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:24,880
Well...oh, my God.
Well, let us help.
87
00:04:24,930 --> 00:04:27,550
Doug, go help.
88
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,180
No. He just got out
of the shower.
89
00:04:29,220 --> 00:04:33,270
That means everything's
wet and...dangling.
90
00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:39,190
Just pretend you're
in the locker room
at the gym, okay?
91
00:04:39,230 --> 00:04:42,280
You told me
you check out
the old guys anyway.
92
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:46,030
I will never open up
to you again.
93
00:04:46,070 --> 00:04:49,280
ARTHUR: Perhaps you two
would like to argue further
94
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:50,990
as my feet go numb!
95
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:54,660
Okay, fine. God, I'll...
Comin' in, Arthur.
96
00:04:54,710 --> 00:04:56,620
Oh, God.
97
00:04:56,670 --> 00:04:59,290
Oh, boy.
98
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:01,050
Ahh...
99
00:05:01,090 --> 00:05:02,170
God.
100
00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:05,220
ARTHUR: Douglas,
this may go faster
101
00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:07,890
if you uncover
your eyes.
102
00:05:07,930 --> 00:05:10,930
DOUG: Okay. Oh, God!
103
00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,020
ARTHUR: Come on!
Just lift me here.
104
00:05:14,060 --> 00:05:16,940
No, I'm not gonna
lift youthere.
105
00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:18,730
How about here?
106
00:05:18,770 --> 00:05:20,820
I'd rather do
the first one.
107
00:05:20,860 --> 00:05:23,940
Just lift me somewhere,
you homophobe!
108
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,860
Doug, help him!
109
00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:27,030
DOUG: Okay!
110
00:05:27,950 --> 00:05:29,370
[DOUG GROANING]
111
00:05:29,410 --> 00:05:30,950
DOUG: Oh, gosh...
112
00:05:30,990 --> 00:05:31,910
All right.
113
00:05:31,950 --> 00:05:33,080
Oh, man.
114
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:34,750
[SIGHING] Okay.
115
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:37,080
[SIGHS]
116
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,000
Okay, he's good.
117
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,710
Now boil me.
118
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:49,050
I am not moving
up to the guest room.
119
00:05:49,090 --> 00:05:50,890
Dad, you just
had surgery.
120
00:05:50,930 --> 00:05:52,220
You're
on new medication.
121
00:05:52,260 --> 00:05:53,890
I think I need to
keep an eye on you.
122
00:05:53,930 --> 00:05:57,850
Keep an eye on me?
No, thank you,
Senator McCarthy!
123
00:05:57,890 --> 00:06:02,690
Doug, tell him
he has to move
upstairs near us.
124
00:06:03,820 --> 00:06:05,650
I can't do that.
125
00:06:05,690 --> 00:06:07,030
I am not moving.
126
00:06:07,070 --> 00:06:08,910
And if you
force me...
127
00:06:08,950 --> 00:06:12,030
I will wear
only underwear
to dinner!
128
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:16,040
[DOOR CLOSES]
129
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,870
Well, if he's
not wearin' pants,
I'm not wearin' pants.
130
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:24,340
Why does he have
to be so difficult?!
131
00:06:24,380 --> 00:06:27,720
I wish I still smoked,
because I could really use
a cigarette right now.
132
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,220
Don't stress out,
all right? He doesn't
need to move upstairs.
133
00:06:30,260 --> 00:06:32,350
Doug, you saw him.
He just spent 3 hours
134
00:06:32,390 --> 00:06:34,100
wedged
under a toilet tank.
135
00:06:34,140 --> 00:06:36,140
That was a complete fluke.
If we dropped your father
136
00:06:36,180 --> 00:06:37,770
on the bathroom floor
a thousand times,
137
00:06:37,810 --> 00:06:39,810
he would never land
that way again.
138
00:06:39,850 --> 00:06:42,150
All right,
you know what?
Either hop on board
139
00:06:42,190 --> 00:06:44,230
and help me to get
him to move upstairs,
140
00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:47,360
or think of another way
I can make sure he's safe.
141
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:49,950
Okay, don't laugh.
142
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,700
Cowbell.
143
00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:05,130
So? Did you
hook it up?
144
00:07:05,170 --> 00:07:06,800
Yeah. I wired it
through the cable.
145
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:09,420
Channel 3 on every TV
in the house.
146
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:13,390
Great idea I had
about puttin' the
baby cam in, huh?
147
00:07:13,430 --> 00:07:15,890
Come on,
give me some props.
148
00:07:15,930 --> 00:07:18,890
You never gave
the cowbell a chance.
149
00:07:18,930 --> 00:07:21,060
Come on, this is great!
A couple of times a day
150
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:24,730
we flick it on,
we check in on him.
He never has to know.
151
00:07:24,770 --> 00:07:27,530
So, how'd you get
the camera in his room
without him seeing you?
152
00:07:27,570 --> 00:07:30,030
I lured him outside
with peanuts.
153
00:07:30,070 --> 00:07:31,820
What?
I put a bag of peanuts
154
00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:35,280
in the backyard.
He went out and ate 'em,
like a squirrel.
155
00:07:38,790 --> 00:07:41,540
CARRIE: Look,
he's still eating them.
156
00:07:41,580 --> 00:07:43,830
Oh, you really
made his day, honey.
157
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,300
All right, I feel
better already.
Thank you so much.
158
00:07:47,340 --> 00:07:49,170
What's the matter?
159
00:07:49,210 --> 00:07:51,930
Nothin'. I'm just...
160
00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:54,760
Dealing with the horror
of having to see his face
161
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,890
on...the thing
I love most.
162
00:07:56,930 --> 00:07:58,890
Oh...come on.
That's done.
163
00:07:58,930 --> 00:08:01,890
Next thing--
Keep Monday night open.
164
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,850
I have our insurance guy
comin' over.
165
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,110
Monday night?
That's football.
166
00:08:05,150 --> 00:08:06,900
I have company
comin' over.
167
00:08:06,940 --> 00:08:08,150
Company?
168
00:08:08,190 --> 00:08:10,070
That's right. I can call
my friends "company."
169
00:08:10,110 --> 00:08:12,360
Yeah, well,
tell your "company"
they can get drunk
170
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,120
and thumb-wrestle
without you.
171
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,280
Why do we gotta meet
with the insurance man,
anyway?
172
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:20,250
Because, honey,
this whole thing
with my dad getting sick
173
00:08:20,290 --> 00:08:22,210
got me thinking.
I mean,
174
00:08:22,250 --> 00:08:25,250
all kinds of bad stuff
can happen to us,
and we're not prepared.
175
00:08:25,290 --> 00:08:27,880
I mean, we don't even have
any life insurance.
Yeah, we do.
176
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,380
No, we don't.
Yeah, we do.
I got it
177
00:08:30,420 --> 00:08:31,920
when I signed up
for that Sears card.
178
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,590
Remember?
I checked that box.
179
00:08:33,630 --> 00:08:36,970
That's for $2,500!
That's not enough.
180
00:08:37,010 --> 00:08:38,930
Well, I see someone's
plannin' to live
181
00:08:38,970 --> 00:08:40,930
pretty high on the hog
when I'm dead.
182
00:08:40,970 --> 00:08:42,390
Come on, we're getting
more insurance.
183
00:08:42,430 --> 00:08:44,940
We need to start
planning for our future.
184
00:08:44,980 --> 00:08:46,400
I have plans
for our future.
185
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,110
Besides owning a robot.
186
00:08:48,150 --> 00:08:51,480
Fine. Now
I'm gonna program him
not to love you.
187
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,530
[REFEREE'S WHISTLE BLOWS ON TV]
188
00:08:58,580 --> 00:08:59,910
Oh...
189
00:08:59,950 --> 00:09:02,950
45 to 3.
It's a blowout.
190
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,120
Now we gotta hope
someone breaks their leg
and they keep showin' it.
191
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,130
Man, Doug picked
a good game to miss.
192
00:09:10,170 --> 00:09:11,460
Is anything else on?
193
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:14,260
Uh...
let's see...
194
00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:16,510
Mannequin 2...
195
00:09:18,010 --> 00:09:20,010
TV Guide Channel...
196
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:24,480
What in the Sam Hill?
197
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:26,350
Oh, that's my baby cam.
198
00:09:26,390 --> 00:09:28,980
Doug and Carrie
borrowed it to keep
an eye on Arthur.
199
00:09:29,020 --> 00:09:32,230
He doesn't know he's on TV?
Nope.
200
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,610
All right, come on,
keep flippin'.
201
00:09:33,650 --> 00:09:36,570
Oh, okay. Um...
Oh, wait.
What's he doin'?
202
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:43,370
Look's like he's...
takin' some clothes
out of the dryer.
203
00:09:43,410 --> 00:09:44,910
Huh!
204
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:52,590
So of course
if Doug were to die
suddenly, Carrie,
205
00:09:52,630 --> 00:09:55,220
you would receive
the maximum payout
of this policy.
206
00:09:55,260 --> 00:09:56,220
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
207
00:09:56,260 --> 00:09:57,880
But if Doug were
to, say,
208
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:00,890
sustain a massive
head injury
which he survives,
209
00:10:00,930 --> 00:10:03,100
the good news is,
this policy
would cover
210
00:10:03,140 --> 00:10:04,350
his hospital stay,
211
00:10:04,390 --> 00:10:07,140
his physical therapy,
and any life support.
212
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,520
Thatisgood news.
213
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:12,980
Look at this.
214
00:10:13,020 --> 00:10:15,650
He's puttin' his underwear
in the bottom drawer.
215
00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:17,610
Who does that?
216
00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:19,360
Underwear's top drawer.
Am I right?
217
00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:21,030
WhereIcome from.
218
00:10:22,660 --> 00:10:25,200
SPENCE:
Wait. He's goin'
back to the dryer?
219
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,580
DEACON:
Yeah, he put in
another load.
220
00:10:27,620 --> 00:10:28,580
When?
221
00:10:28,620 --> 00:10:30,500
When you were peeing.
222
00:10:30,540 --> 00:10:34,960
What?! Why don't you
tell me these things?
Oh, man...
223
00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:36,130
Uh-oh. Look. Look.
224
00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:38,430
He left a sock
in the dryer.
225
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,430
Fasten
your seat belts,
gentlemen.
226
00:10:41,470 --> 00:10:43,220
Okay, he'll see it,
he'll see it.
227
00:10:43,260 --> 00:10:44,560
I don't think so,
man.
228
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,430
It's right there,
hangin' out of the dryer.
229
00:10:46,470 --> 00:10:48,690
He doesn't see it.
He's confused.
Oh, God!
230
00:10:48,730 --> 00:10:51,560
It's right there.
Damn it! Turn around!
231
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:54,650
It's 2 feet
from your head, guy!
232
00:10:54,690 --> 00:10:56,190
Oh...oh...
oh...oh...
233
00:10:56,230 --> 00:10:58,320
Oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
No. No. No. No!
234
00:10:58,360 --> 00:10:59,490
No!
No!
235
00:10:59,530 --> 00:11:01,070
He threw it
in the garbage.
236
00:11:01,110 --> 00:11:03,740
This--This
is terrible.
237
00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:06,080
Okay, I think
that the term life
policy
238
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,540
offered
by Western Mutual
is best for you.
239
00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:10,210
So why don't we
roll up our sleeves
240
00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:11,500
and get
to the nitty-gritty?
241
00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:14,500
Okay. Do you own
this house
242
00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:15,750
and you pay
a mortgage?
243
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,460
Yes.
And, Carrie,
244
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,010
if Doug were
to pass away,
245
00:11:19,050 --> 00:11:21,260
you would stay here,
and your father--
Arthur--
246
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:22,430
would continue to
live here with you?
247
00:11:22,470 --> 00:11:23,600
Yes.
Definitely.
248
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,390
And if you were
to pass away,
249
00:11:25,430 --> 00:11:27,600
would your father continue
to live here with Doug?
250
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,520
Oh. Of course.
251
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:31,520
SALESMAN:
Great!
252
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,980
Let's move on
to some payment options.
253
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,980
People, a lot of people
like to pay it annually,
254
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:39,990
take the medicine
in one spoonful.
255
00:11:40,030 --> 00:11:41,530
Or we can break it
down for you.
256
00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:43,990
You could pay semiannually,
quarterly.
257
00:11:44,030 --> 00:11:45,280
Some people play monthly.
258
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:46,580
Of course, I wouldn't
suggest weekly.
259
00:11:46,620 --> 00:11:48,750
[CHUCKLES]
52 envelopes...
260
00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:58,630
Good morning.
261
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,010
Good morning.
Oh!
262
00:12:02,050 --> 00:12:03,800
Hey. How you doin'?
263
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,720
You okay?
I'm fine.
264
00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:08,930
Hey, how about
that insurance guy
last night, huh?
265
00:12:08,970 --> 00:12:11,140
He's kinda wild, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
266
00:12:11,180 --> 00:12:13,020
What do you mean?
267
00:12:13,060 --> 00:12:16,020
Nothin'. Just, uh...
They don't paint
a pretty picture.
268
00:12:16,060 --> 00:12:18,400
I'm gettin' whacked in the head,
you're gettin' hit by a bus.
269
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,030
Arthur's here,
he's livin' with you,
270
00:12:20,070 --> 00:12:22,860
livin' with me.
It's crazy. It's crazy.
271
00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:23,860
Yeah.
272
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,700
Dad! Breakfast!
273
00:12:25,740 --> 00:12:27,080
Be right up!
274
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:33,580
Well...I gotta go
to work, anyway.
275
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,630
Hey,
tomorrow morning?
Bagels?
276
00:12:35,670 --> 00:12:36,750
I'll bring 'em.
277
00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:37,920
Mmm.
278
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,670
Crap. I gotta
get outta here.
279
00:12:40,710 --> 00:12:43,630
Honey, make sure
he eats and takes
his pill, Okay?
280
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,470
And do me a favor.
Drop him off
at the Y
281
00:12:45,510 --> 00:12:47,050
for his art class
on your way to work?
282
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,510
All right? Hey, Dad.
It's on the table.
283
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,470
All right.
I'll see you guys
tonight.
284
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:51,890
Love you. Bye, Daddy.
285
00:12:51,930 --> 00:12:53,440
Bye, princess.
286
00:12:55,770 --> 00:12:57,730
It's just you and me,
huh, Douglas?
287
00:12:57,770 --> 00:12:59,690
Yeah, just...
288
00:12:59,730 --> 00:13:00,940
you and me.
289
00:13:49,820 --> 00:13:52,490
Hey! Howdy do!
Welcome home.
290
00:13:54,830 --> 00:13:57,080
I talk to you for a sec?
Yeah. What's up?
291
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,250
I was just,
uh, thinkin'
about our future,
292
00:13:59,290 --> 00:14:01,540
you know,
like we discussed
with the insurance guy?
293
00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:03,670
Especially that thing
where if...you die
294
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:06,510
but Arthur and I, uh...
we don't?
295
00:14:06,550 --> 00:14:10,600
And that thing of him
staying here...with me?
296
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,640
That's a good option.
Definitely.
297
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,020
Definitely a good one.
298
00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:16,730
But...I guess
this is the question
299
00:14:16,770 --> 00:14:18,810
I would put to you,
Carrie.
300
00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:21,020
Is it the best?
301
00:14:25,070 --> 00:14:26,820
So, w-what are you
saying here, Doug?
302
00:14:26,860 --> 00:14:28,200
That you don't want
to take care of my father
303
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:29,820
if I die? Is that
what you're saying?
304
00:14:29,860 --> 00:14:31,070
I'm just saying
you sprung this on me,
305
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,910
and now all of a sudden,
it's decided.
306
00:14:32,950 --> 00:14:35,790
I just think we should have
a good, open conversation
about it.
307
00:14:35,830 --> 00:14:38,080
Okay. We're now having
308
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,250
an open conversation.
309
00:14:40,290 --> 00:14:42,960
Do you want to take care
of my father if I die?
310
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,880
Not really.
311
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,590
I can't believe this!
312
00:14:47,630 --> 00:14:49,840
So you're just fine
with 2 orderlies showing up
313
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,640
and dragging him away
in the dead of night?
314
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,260
Look, how many orderlies
there'll be
315
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:56,180
and what time of night
they get here, that's
all up for debate.
316
00:14:56,220 --> 00:14:58,640
Wow! That's just...
317
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:01,730
Wow! I mean, I don't--
I don't even know
what to say here, Doug.
318
00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:04,070
I mean, this is
my father's home. I--
319
00:15:04,110 --> 00:15:05,690
I thought we were
all family.
320
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:06,860
[SIGHS]
321
00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:08,610
Look, I'm sorry, Carrie,
but you're actin'
322
00:15:08,650 --> 00:15:10,660
like it's totally normal
for a guy to keep living
323
00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:13,070
with his father-in-law
if his wife dies.
324
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,240
I mean, it's
till death do us part,
325
00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:19,580
which I always took to mean
if there's a death, we all part.
326
00:15:24,170 --> 00:15:26,670
So...this is
how you really feel.
327
00:15:26,710 --> 00:15:29,220
Not me.
It's in the vows.
328
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,010
Okay, let me
ask you this--
329
00:15:33,050 --> 00:15:37,060
If, um, I had a dog
when we got married
330
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:39,060
and we lived
with this dog,
331
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:41,230
um, if I died,
would you--
332
00:15:41,270 --> 00:15:44,110
Would you send the dog
away, or would you
keep it...
333
00:15:44,150 --> 00:15:45,230
take care of it?
334
00:15:45,270 --> 00:15:47,730
Because thisis
the dog's home.
335
00:15:49,070 --> 00:15:51,150
What kind of dog?
All right...
336
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,990
Forget it.
Forget it.
337
00:15:55,030 --> 00:15:56,240
Who you callin'?
338
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,620
Don't worry about it.
339
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:00,790
Bill Gilliard, please.
340
00:16:00,830 --> 00:16:02,120
Oh, come on. Why
are you callin' him?
341
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:04,250
Because he's coming
over tomorrow night
342
00:16:04,290 --> 00:16:05,920
so we can sign
the policy.
343
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,090
If you're not gonna
take care of my father,
344
00:16:07,130 --> 00:16:09,130
he has to change
the coverage.
345
00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:11,630
Yes, I'll hold.
346
00:16:36,780 --> 00:16:39,120
[DISGRUNTLED]
Hang up.
What?
347
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:42,330
I'll take care
of your father
if you die.
348
00:16:45,790 --> 00:16:48,000
But I'm renaming him
Rusty.
349
00:16:53,170 --> 00:16:56,470
Dad, the insurance man's
here. We're comin'.
350
00:16:56,510 --> 00:16:58,430
Hello!
351
00:16:58,470 --> 00:17:00,140
Welcome.
Good evening.
352
00:17:00,180 --> 00:17:01,930
What's with
the jacket and tie?
353
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,810
You asked me to witness
the signing of documents.
354
00:17:03,850 --> 00:17:06,190
I take that responsibility
very seriously.
355
00:17:06,230 --> 00:17:08,310
Arthur Spooner.
Pleased to meet you.
356
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,400
Bill Gilliard.
357
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:11,110
Would you like
a cocktail?
358
00:17:11,150 --> 00:17:13,400
I make
a mean Irish coffee.
359
00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:14,360
No, thank you.
360
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:15,700
I got
whipped cream.
361
00:17:15,740 --> 00:17:17,740
Guy said no.
362
00:17:17,780 --> 00:17:19,370
Okay. Just let me
get set up here.
363
00:17:19,410 --> 00:17:22,250
First we'll do the
primary policy agreement.
364
00:17:22,290 --> 00:17:24,830
Carrie, I'm gonna
need you to sign here.
365
00:17:24,870 --> 00:17:26,250
Oh. Okay.
366
00:17:27,420 --> 00:17:29,500
And, Doug,
right next to her.
367
00:17:29,540 --> 00:17:30,880
Okay.
368
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,340
And now,
as a witness,
Mr. Spooner...
369
00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:36,760
you sign there.
370
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:40,890
Let me just
look this over.
371
00:17:42,310 --> 00:17:43,930
Let's see...
372
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:46,060
"From the office
of Mr. William E. Gilliard,
373
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:48,980
"Tri-Borough
Life Insurance Agency,
374
00:17:49,020 --> 00:17:52,360
"816 Queens Boulevard...
375
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,440
Queens, New York."
376
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:55,740
Dad, all you
have to do is sign it.
377
00:17:55,780 --> 00:17:58,030
I'm...not
signing anything
378
00:17:58,070 --> 00:17:59,910
without reading it first.
379
00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:01,160
"1, 1, 3, 7, 5,
380
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:02,870
November the 12th, 2001--"
381
00:18:02,910 --> 00:18:04,500
Okay, you know what?
I'd like to get goin'.
382
00:18:04,540 --> 00:18:05,500
Can I sign
all my stuff now?
383
00:18:05,540 --> 00:18:06,500
No. Could
you just stay
384
00:18:06,540 --> 00:18:08,000
so we could
do it right?
385
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:09,000
What, you got somewhere
else you gotta be?
386
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:10,380
I got company
coming over.
387
00:18:10,420 --> 00:18:12,170
You know what?
Stop calling
your friends "company".
388
00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:15,090
They're 3 losers
with nothing else to do
on a Friday night.
389
00:18:15,130 --> 00:18:16,970
They'll wait 10 minutes.
390
00:18:19,090 --> 00:18:20,100
[CHUCKLES]
391
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:22,140
[ALL CHUCKLE]
392
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:24,560
Well, everythingseems to bein order here.
393
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:25,850
Where do I sign?
394
00:18:25,890 --> 00:18:27,390
Right there.
395
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,150
I'll need
to notarize this,
396
00:18:29,190 --> 00:18:31,020
so I'll need
both your driver's licenses.
397
00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:34,110
Oh. Could you grab mine
out of my purse?
398
00:18:34,150 --> 00:18:36,900
Just to, uh,
double-check.
The disfigurement
399
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:37,860
thing is in here?
400
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:39,780
Uh, yeah.It's on page 7.
401
00:18:39,820 --> 00:18:42,450
What the hell is this?You're smokin' again?
402
00:18:42,490 --> 00:18:44,120
Oh, no!
She di-in't!
403
00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:49,460
No. No. You know what?I was holding thosefor a friend.
404
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:52,170
Come on, Carrie,
this is your brand.
You're smokin' again.
405
00:18:52,210 --> 00:18:53,420
Are you a smoker,
Carrie?
406
00:18:53,460 --> 00:18:55,050
'Cause that will
raise your rates.
407
00:18:55,090 --> 00:18:56,420
No. No. Some
people at work,
408
00:18:56,460 --> 00:18:59,050
they dared me to smoke.
It was peer pressure.
409
00:18:59,090 --> 00:19:00,430
I can't believe this.
410
00:19:00,470 --> 00:19:02,930
You have the gall--
yeah, that's right--
411
00:19:02,970 --> 00:19:06,430
gall to ask me to look
after your father if you die,
412
00:19:06,470 --> 00:19:08,060
and you start smoking?
413
00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:09,060
They're Ultra Lights!
414
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,150
Oh, puh-lease!
415
00:19:11,190 --> 00:19:12,520
All right,you know what?Give me a break.
416
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,440
I--I'm--I'm undera lot of stress.
417
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,440
So I had a couple ofcigarettes. Big deal.
418
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,110
I know--I know what
you're tryin' to do.
You're tryin' to die first.
419
00:19:19,150 --> 00:19:20,450
What?
That's right.
420
00:19:20,490 --> 00:19:21,490
You're tryin' to die
before me
421
00:19:21,530 --> 00:19:22,950
so I get
stuck with Arthur.
422
00:19:22,990 --> 00:19:25,910
But you know what?
You can't out-die me.
423
00:19:25,950 --> 00:19:27,620
Hell, I could
drop tomorrow.
424
00:19:27,660 --> 00:19:30,080
All right, stop acting
like an idiot.
425
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:32,000
Oh, no, no, sister.
The race is on.
426
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:35,380
Let's see what we got.
Look at this!
Whipped cream!
427
00:19:35,420 --> 00:19:40,010
Oh! 16 grams of fat
per serving.
Bring it on.
428
00:19:40,050 --> 00:19:41,630
All right,
knock it off.
429
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:42,890
[MUFFLED]
Uh-uh. No way!
430
00:19:42,930 --> 00:19:44,100
Should I go?
You know what?
431
00:19:44,140 --> 00:19:45,560
You want to act
like a jackass?
432
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:46,970
All right, fine.
433
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:48,430
You know what?
Then I'm smokin'.
434
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,190
Smoke away!
Yeah, that's right. Fine.
435
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:52,480
Yeah, 'cause
I love it!
436
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:54,480
Oh, whipped cream,
come and find me!
437
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,070
Yeah, have a heart attack!
ARTHUR: All right,
438
00:19:56,110 --> 00:19:58,030
all right, stop it!
Stop it!
439
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,320
A week ago,
I was in the hospital,
440
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:08,410
and I didn't know
if my next breath
would be my last.
441
00:20:08,450 --> 00:20:10,250
Happiest day of my life
442
00:20:10,290 --> 00:20:13,380
was when I walked back in here
with you 2 kids.
443
00:20:15,210 --> 00:20:16,420
Hey, do you think he--
444
00:20:16,460 --> 00:20:18,050
Shh!
Shh!
445
00:20:18,090 --> 00:20:19,590
But now...
446
00:20:19,630 --> 00:20:21,130
I hearyou're just worried
447
00:20:21,170 --> 00:20:23,550
about who's gonnaget stuck with me.
448
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,470
That hurts!Makes me feel like
449
00:20:26,510 --> 00:20:29,430
I should never have gottenoff that operating table.
450
00:20:29,470 --> 00:20:33,190
CARRIE:You're right, Dad.I'm...I'm sorry.
451
00:20:33,230 --> 00:20:35,020
Yeah, uh...
452
00:20:35,060 --> 00:20:37,110
me too, Arthur.
453
00:20:37,150 --> 00:20:40,440
We're really gladyou're home, Dad.We love you.
454
00:20:43,070 --> 00:20:45,280
And I love you kids, too.
455
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,210
Bill?
456
00:20:53,250 --> 00:20:56,000
I think we'll signthat policy now.
457
00:21:04,970 --> 00:21:07,260
That was
the best one ever.
458
00:21:11,140 --> 00:21:13,140
So, uh...what'd
you think, Deac?
459
00:21:13,180 --> 00:21:15,020
It was good.
460
00:21:16,730 --> 00:21:20,110
I'm just glad
they finally added
a black guy.
461
00:21:27,490 --> 00:21:29,740
[BASEBALL GAME PLAYING ON TV]
462
00:21:35,710 --> 00:21:37,330
[CHANGES CHANNEL;
AUDIO GOES SILENT]
463
00:21:47,930 --> 00:21:49,350
Mmmhh!
464
00:22:01,150 --> 00:22:03,030
[SIGHING]
Ah...
465
00:22:06,490 --> 00:22:10,370
[**]
33586
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