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1
00:00:02,500 --> 00:00:04,000
[**]
2
00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:05,710
[NEWSCAST ON TV]
3
00:00:05,750 --> 00:00:08,670
Is that Dan Rather's
real hair?
4
00:00:08,710 --> 00:00:11,460
Because it looks great.
5
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:14,180
Doug?
Hmm?
6
00:00:16,010 --> 00:00:19,810
[YAWNS]
7
00:00:19,850 --> 00:00:21,310
[LOUD EXHALE]
8
00:00:21,350 --> 00:00:23,730
OK, I'm wiped.
I am goin' up.
9
00:00:23,770 --> 00:00:24,850
OK.
Night.
10
00:00:24,890 --> 00:00:26,020
Ow!
11
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,150
You shocked me!
12
00:00:27,190 --> 00:00:28,520
OK, I've been
shocked before.
13
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:31,650
It doesn't hurt that much.
Take 'er down a notch.
14
00:00:32,610 --> 00:00:33,780
[GROANS]
15
00:00:49,670 --> 00:00:50,750
Ow!
16
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,710
All right, bastard,
why'd you do that?
17
00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:53,880
I don't know, for kicks?
18
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,130
Oh, all right, it's on.
19
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:56,470
Oh yeah, you wanna bring it?
Babe, oh, yeah.
20
00:00:56,510 --> 00:00:58,260
OK, nothing. I got big feet.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
21
00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:00,310
We'll see.
Yeah, what's up, what's up!
22
00:01:00,350 --> 00:01:01,600
It's on.
I'm gonna getcha.
23
00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:04,100
[BOTH MAKING JAPANESE
KARATE MOVIE SOUNDS]
24
00:01:06,980 --> 00:01:08,310
[BOTH GRUMBLING]
25
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:11,110
Come on,
come on, come on.
All right.
26
00:01:11,150 --> 00:01:12,690
Pow!
Oh! Tsst!
27
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:16,990
Good night.
Good night.
28
00:01:17,030 --> 00:01:20,370
* My eyes are gettin' weary *
29
00:01:20,410 --> 00:01:22,580
* My back is gettin' tight *
30
00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:24,500
* I'm sittin' herein traffic *
31
00:01:24,540 --> 00:01:27,920
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight *
32
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:31,800
* But I don't care'cause all I want to do *
33
00:01:33,050 --> 00:01:36,840
* Is cash my checkand drive right home to you *
34
00:01:38,970 --> 00:01:40,470
* 'Cause, baby, all my life *
35
00:01:40,510 --> 00:01:44,350
* I will be drivin' hometo you *
36
00:01:51,310 --> 00:01:52,360
CARRIE: Thanks
for dinner, Kel.
37
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:53,440
DEACON: Yeah.
It was great, baby.
38
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,650
Here, I'll help you,
sweetie.
39
00:01:55,690 --> 00:01:58,570
So, Kirby,
word on the street
40
00:01:58,610 --> 00:01:59,910
is that you're havin'
a birthday next week.
41
00:01:59,950 --> 00:02:02,490
How old you gonna be?
What, 40? 41?
42
00:02:02,530 --> 00:02:04,080
6.
6!
43
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,330
Wow! You know what else
I heard on the street?
44
00:02:06,370 --> 00:02:07,790
That Carrie and I
might be gettin' you
45
00:02:07,830 --> 00:02:10,080
the best birthday gift ever.
46
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,500
What is it?
47
00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:13,550
Aw, I could tell you,
but then I gotta kill you.
48
00:02:13,590 --> 00:02:15,710
You're gonna kill me?
49
00:02:17,550 --> 00:02:18,760
No, no, no.
50
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:21,680
No, it was just a joke,
Kirby. It was a joke.
51
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:23,300
Look, Spence will be here
any minute.
52
00:02:23,350 --> 00:02:24,560
Why don't you go
get some toys
53
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,140
ready for you guys
to play with tonight, OK?
54
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,520
OK.
All right.
55
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:28,850
I'm not gonna kill you.
56
00:02:28,890 --> 00:02:30,150
Would you leave it
alone?
57
00:02:30,190 --> 00:02:31,600
I will.
58
00:02:31,650 --> 00:02:33,940
I'm just not gonna kill him,
and I want him to know it.
59
00:02:33,980 --> 00:02:36,570
Hey, you guys, Kelly
and I were thinking,
60
00:02:36,610 --> 00:02:38,530
instead of going
to the movies
61
00:02:38,570 --> 00:02:39,530
like we always do,
62
00:02:39,570 --> 00:02:43,160
how about we go
salsa dancing?
63
00:02:47,910 --> 00:02:50,080
What are you
trying to prove?
64
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,540
I told you, Kelly!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
65
00:02:52,580 --> 00:02:53,540
Let's get going.
66
00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:55,750
Spencer's here.
67
00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:00,220
The baby-sitter's
on the clock!
68
00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:02,260
Ka-kung!
69
00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:03,510
The Spencinator's
here!
70
00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:04,600
Oh, there he is!
71
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,510
OK, now that
the Spencinator has come
72
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,560
to our rescue,
let's get going.
73
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:09,680
KELLY: Bye, Kirby.
Be good. Hey, Car,
74
00:03:09,730 --> 00:03:11,140
drive with me so
we can keep talking.
75
00:03:11,190 --> 00:03:13,270
OK. Bye, you guys.
76
00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:14,610
He's your baby-sitter?
77
00:03:14,650 --> 00:03:16,320
You couldn't get
a hot 16-year-old girl
78
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:17,400
like normal people?
79
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,400
No.
80
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:20,950
Spence and Kirby
really like each other.
81
00:03:20,990 --> 00:03:22,570
Oh, really?
That's great. 2 words:
82
00:03:22,610 --> 00:03:24,620
nanny cam.
83
00:03:30,540 --> 00:03:32,830
They still behind us?
84
00:03:32,870 --> 00:03:34,750
Yup.
85
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:40,550
Our wives have very
different-sized heads.
86
00:03:40,590 --> 00:03:43,260
Carrie, a little small.
87
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:45,140
Kelly, a little big.
88
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,010
But they pull it off.
89
00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:49,930
See, now, if they switched
heads, see,
90
00:03:49,970 --> 00:03:51,390
that wouldn't work at all.
91
00:03:51,430 --> 00:03:52,850
Yeah.
92
00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:56,770
But if they did switch heads,
93
00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:58,360
who would you go home with?
94
00:04:00,650 --> 00:04:02,280
I think you go with the head.
95
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,660
Yeah.
96
00:04:07,660 --> 00:04:08,990
Oh, hey, you know
what's coming up?
97
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,710
That strip club,
The Coconut Tiger.
98
00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:12,960
Oh, yeah?
99
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,620
Yeah, it's actually
kind of near my route,
100
00:04:14,670 --> 00:04:16,080
so every afternoon
I go a little out of my way
101
00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:18,130
to drive by. See,
when the door is open,
102
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:20,800
you can catch a little
somethin' somethin'.
103
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,840
Huh. Informative.
104
00:04:25,510 --> 00:04:29,220
Oh, and there it is.
The door is open.
105
00:04:29,260 --> 00:04:31,060
Heh heh.
106
00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:32,680
Whoa.
Huh?
107
00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:35,350
[THUMP]
108
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,190
What the hell?
109
00:04:41,570 --> 00:04:43,030
[HIGH-PITCHED]
Hit best friend's car.
110
00:04:43,070 --> 00:04:44,990
Can't look
right at them.
111
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:47,200
Everybody OK?
112
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,120
Yeah, we're fine.
Nice going, Doug.
113
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,080
What happened?
114
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,950
Sorry. It's
just I was, uh...
115
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,120
I was, uh, reaching
for a Fig Newton,
116
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:56,330
and I took my eyes
of the road
117
00:04:56,370 --> 00:04:57,460
for a second,
that's all.
118
00:04:57,500 --> 00:04:59,170
A Fig Newton?
119
00:04:59,210 --> 00:05:03,090
You had half a cheesecake
at Deacon and Kelly's
not 15 minutes ago.
120
00:05:03,130 --> 00:05:04,220
Yeah.
121
00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:06,050
15 minutes ago.
122
00:05:06,550 --> 00:05:07,590
It's not so bad.
123
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,180
It's just
a busted taillight
124
00:05:09,220 --> 00:05:10,350
and a little dent.
125
00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:11,890
Yeah, you know what,
and our car looks fine.
126
00:05:11,930 --> 00:05:13,390
Don't worry, guys.
We'll pay for the dent.
127
00:05:13,430 --> 00:05:14,390
Yeah, totally.
128
00:05:14,430 --> 00:05:15,980
It's no biggie.
It's cool.
129
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:20,860
What you got
there, Kel?
130
00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:22,360
What is that,
a camera?
131
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:23,490
Oh, this?
132
00:05:23,530 --> 00:05:25,030
My dad always said
to take a...
133
00:05:25,070 --> 00:05:27,530
you know, whenever
there is an accident.
134
00:05:27,570 --> 00:05:28,950
Wow, that thing
came out pretty fast.
135
00:05:28,990 --> 00:05:30,200
What, do you
got that thing
136
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,830
strapped to your leg
or something?
137
00:05:32,870 --> 00:05:34,040
Hey,
while the camera's out,
138
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,210
how about one with me
and Doug?
139
00:05:36,250 --> 00:05:37,420
OK.
140
00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:39,040
Whoops.
141
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:40,920
That's hilarious.
Yeah.
142
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,880
[ALL CHUCKLING]
143
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:48,760
Well, if we still want to make
that movie, we should--
we should just get going.
144
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,800
Yeah. I hate it
when we're late.
145
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,310
You don't want to be
late to the movies.
146
00:05:52,350 --> 00:05:54,100
You're late, you never
get to your seat on time.
147
00:05:54,140 --> 00:05:56,890
There's a guy in front of you,
he's wearing a hat and--
148
00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:59,400
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] I'm tired.
149
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,780
Eh...oh...oh.
150
00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:09,820
No one's ever beaten
the Spencinator,
151
00:06:09,860 --> 00:06:12,080
and they still haven't.
152
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,200
Ha!
153
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,410
Spencinator, are
you the strongest man
154
00:06:15,450 --> 00:06:16,710
in the world?
155
00:06:16,750 --> 00:06:18,580
Well, the world's
a pretty big place,
156
00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:20,670
but maybe.
157
00:06:20,710 --> 00:06:21,960
I'm hungry.
158
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,710
What do you want
to eat, little man?
159
00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:25,260
Peanut butter and jelly.
160
00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:26,590
Well, OK, I'm sorry.
161
00:06:26,630 --> 00:06:28,090
I can't make that
because I'm allergic
to peanuts,
162
00:06:28,130 --> 00:06:31,720
but how about a nice
grilled cheese sandwich
instead?
163
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,390
What's allergic?
164
00:06:33,430 --> 00:06:35,470
Allergic? Well, uh,
165
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,230
that means that
if I so much as touch a peanut
166
00:06:38,270 --> 00:06:40,850
or peanut butter
or anything that even has
167
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,110
like, little bits
of peanuts in it,
168
00:06:42,150 --> 00:06:45,070
my body says,
"I don't like this."
169
00:06:45,110 --> 00:06:47,530
And then my throat
gets really small,
170
00:06:47,570 --> 00:06:49,150
my head gets
really big.
171
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,700
Let me see.
172
00:06:50,740 --> 00:06:52,950
Well, that's not
gonna happen, pal.
173
00:06:52,990 --> 00:06:54,280
But what's the verdict
174
00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:55,790
on that grilled cheese
sandwich, huh?
175
00:06:55,830 --> 00:06:56,870
Yay or nay?
176
00:06:56,910 --> 00:06:58,200
You're scared
of peanuts.
177
00:06:58,250 --> 00:06:59,960
OK, I'm not scared
of peanuts,
178
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,170
I'm just allergic.
179
00:07:01,210 --> 00:07:02,710
* You're scared of peanuts *
180
00:07:02,750 --> 00:07:04,090
* You're scared of peanuts *
181
00:07:04,130 --> 00:07:05,420
* You're scared of peanuts *
182
00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:08,260
OK, stop it.
183
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:12,970
[DOUG GROANS LOUDLY]
184
00:07:13,010 --> 00:07:15,850
Whew. How great
is a booth?
185
00:07:15,890 --> 00:07:17,270
I mean, tables are fine,
186
00:07:17,310 --> 00:07:21,440
but a booth is like
a vacation for your ass.
187
00:07:25,690 --> 00:07:27,230
So, this is nice--
188
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,860
2 nights in one week
with you guys.
189
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:32,070
And tonight,
we didn't even ram you.
190
00:07:32,110 --> 00:07:34,620
Well, there's always
the drive home.
191
00:07:34,660 --> 00:07:36,660
[ALL LAUGH]
192
00:07:36,700 --> 00:07:38,370
You know,
speaking of ramming us,
193
00:07:38,410 --> 00:07:40,370
we brought the quote
for the work on the car
194
00:07:40,410 --> 00:07:41,870
so you can give it
to your insurance guy.
195
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,830
Oh, good, good,
although we weren't
196
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,340
gonna go through
our insurance.
197
00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:46,340
Oh, really?
198
00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:48,000
No, I have
so many violations,
199
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:49,800
if we make
another claim,
they might drop us.
200
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,010
But the good news is,
201
00:07:51,050 --> 00:07:52,840
now we have a free pop
at a stranger's car.
202
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,430
[BOTH LAUGH]
203
00:07:54,470 --> 00:07:55,470
Hi, road rage.
204
00:07:55,510 --> 00:07:57,060
Welcome back, old friend.
205
00:07:59,390 --> 00:08:00,270
Wow.
206
00:08:00,310 --> 00:08:02,100
What can I get
for you folks?
207
00:08:02,140 --> 00:08:05,860
You happen to have $1,181
I could borrow?
208
00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:08,690
Sweet mama.
209
00:08:08,730 --> 00:08:10,690
We're gonna need
a few minutes.
210
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:12,070
Sure.
211
00:08:12,110 --> 00:08:14,360
Look, I know
it's a little more
than we thought,
212
00:08:14,410 --> 00:08:15,990
but, um, it turns out
213
00:08:16,030 --> 00:08:17,120
the bumper was
pretty screwed up,
214
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,160
and underneath,
near the axle, see,
215
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,450
there was
this other thing.
216
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,410
It's all right there,
see? Signed by Rory.
217
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,620
So, you got this quote
from the dealership,
huh?
218
00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:25,920
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
219
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,420
Just so you know,
they always
charge more
220
00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:28,550
at the dealership.
221
00:08:28,590 --> 00:08:29,880
You know,
you're paying
for the frills,
222
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:31,550
the coffee and
the donuts and whatnot.
223
00:08:31,590 --> 00:08:33,630
It's like, you know what?
I'll bring my own coffee,
thank you.
224
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,470
Just don't charge me
up the wazoo.
225
00:08:35,510 --> 00:08:36,550
Exactly.
226
00:08:36,590 --> 00:08:38,390
But, you know,
whatever.
227
00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,220
Well, it's just that
we've used them before,
228
00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:42,270
and they do really
good work, you know?
229
00:08:42,310 --> 00:08:43,730
You know who else
does a really good job
230
00:08:43,770 --> 00:08:45,230
is our guy over
at I.P.S., Eddie,
231
00:08:45,270 --> 00:08:47,400
and I bet you he'd charge,
like, half of this.
232
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:48,940
Yeah...
233
00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:51,820
The thing is,
the dealership
is authorized.
234
00:08:51,860 --> 00:08:53,110
Oh, no, it's cool.
It's cool.
235
00:08:53,150 --> 00:08:54,530
I mean, we do drive
on Eddie's work
236
00:08:54,570 --> 00:08:55,570
every day of our lives,
237
00:08:55,610 --> 00:08:56,870
but, you know,
if he's not authorized,
238
00:08:56,910 --> 00:09:01,790
he's not authorized.
Whatever that means.
239
00:09:01,830 --> 00:09:05,830
The thing is,
our kids ride
in that car,
240
00:09:05,870 --> 00:09:08,380
so we really want
the work done right.
241
00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:09,840
The kids, right.
242
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,460
That's some precious
cargo right there.
243
00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:15,840
Well, you could always
go through insurance.
244
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,050
Like we said,
no can do.
245
00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:20,560
Right. Right.
246
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,560
So, uh, Eddie...
Nothin'?
247
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:24,480
Oh, no. No.
248
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,230
It's all good.
It's all good.
249
00:09:27,270 --> 00:09:29,060
Yeah. You know what?
We'll just, uh,
250
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:31,650
we'll just
write a check.
251
00:09:31,690 --> 00:09:33,030
Old checky.
252
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,620
[SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK]
253
00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:46,460
[SIGHS]
254
00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:49,630
[CLICK CLICK CLICK]
255
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,670
[DOUG AND DEACON CHUCKLE]
256
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:57,340
[CLEARS THROAT]
257
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:02,680
Rip.
258
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,100
[ALL LAUGH]
259
00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:07,770
Oh, you went
for the dolphins
on your check.
260
00:10:07,810 --> 00:10:08,980
Yeah. Oh.
261
00:10:09,020 --> 00:10:10,310
What?
262
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,860
Well, actually,
it's $1,181.
263
00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:13,860
What'd I write?
264
00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:15,150
You wrote $1,118.
265
00:10:15,190 --> 00:10:16,320
But you know what?
It's no big deal.
266
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:17,450
No, no. That's fine.
You know,
267
00:10:17,490 --> 00:10:18,820
we'll just write out
another check.
268
00:10:18,860 --> 00:10:20,070
No problem.
It's cool.
It's cool.
269
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,450
[DOUG CLEARS THROAT]
270
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:37,720
I think I'm gettin'
onion rings.
271
00:10:49,060 --> 00:10:51,060
Well, that was a creepy
little dinner we had
272
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:52,860
with our "best friends".
273
00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:54,610
You really learn
something about people
274
00:10:54,650 --> 00:10:56,740
when you plow
into their car.
275
00:10:56,780 --> 00:10:59,950
They had to go
to the dealership.
276
00:10:59,990 --> 00:11:02,410
[MIMICKING KELLY]
Our kids ride in that car.
277
00:11:02,450 --> 00:11:03,870
Like all of the sudden
she's mother of the year.
278
00:11:03,910 --> 00:11:07,750
Meanwhile, she leaves
her kids with Spence. OK.
279
00:11:07,790 --> 00:11:09,410
And she left 'em
with us once.
280
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,880
You know, it's like,
"Hello, Social Services?"
281
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:13,750
And another thing,
282
00:11:13,790 --> 00:11:15,750
we give 'em
a $1,200 check,
283
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:16,920
and when the bill comes,
284
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,590
Deacon, who had a soup
anda margarita
285
00:11:19,630 --> 00:11:21,430
and the sizzling entree,
286
00:11:21,470 --> 00:11:24,260
says,
"Hey, let's split it."
287
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:25,260
Split it?!
288
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:28,100
Total gyp!
289
00:11:28,140 --> 00:11:29,350
Here's the deal, honey,
290
00:11:29,390 --> 00:11:30,440
you know, the next time
we go out with them,
291
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:31,810
I am removing
all your limits.
292
00:11:31,850 --> 00:11:33,480
You eat until
they have to cut you
293
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:35,520
out of the restaurant.
294
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:39,110
Start fitting me
for a piano box.
295
00:11:39,150 --> 00:11:41,200
This is so typical.
296
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:42,360
You remember
a few weeks ago
297
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:43,780
I lent Kelly that scarf?
298
00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:46,410
She never gave it back.
299
00:11:46,450 --> 00:11:48,950
I mean, it was ugly,
but still--
300
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,040
Whoa, wait a second.
Didn't I give you
that scarf?
301
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:55,750
This isn't about me.
302
00:11:59,590 --> 00:12:00,720
What is up
with those two?
303
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,090
It's unbelievable.
304
00:12:02,130 --> 00:12:04,140
We do them a favor
by not going through
insurance,
305
00:12:04,180 --> 00:12:05,180
and they make it out
306
00:12:05,220 --> 00:12:06,470
like we're
the bad guys here?
307
00:12:06,510 --> 00:12:07,970
And did you see
that look on his face
308
00:12:08,010 --> 00:12:09,520
when I said,
"Let's split the bill"?
309
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,310
Like we haven't been
on the losing end
310
00:12:11,350 --> 00:12:13,020
of that one for 7 years.
311
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,560
And look at this check.
Dolphins?
312
00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:18,650
Like she gives 2 craps
about nature.
313
00:12:18,690 --> 00:12:19,690
Yeah, well,
those dolphins
are about to swim
314
00:12:19,730 --> 00:12:21,860
right into
our ATM machine.
315
00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:24,660
That's right.
Give it up.
316
00:12:27,490 --> 00:12:28,740
SPENCE: Kirby, I'm not gonna
317
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:30,410
go through this again
with you tonight.
318
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,960
Oh, OK.
319
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,330
Kirby, it's time
to brush your teeth
320
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,500
and go to bed.
321
00:12:36,540 --> 00:12:37,670
No. I'm
eating peanuts,
322
00:12:37,710 --> 00:12:39,210
and you
can't stop me.
323
00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:40,670
Come on.
No!
324
00:12:40,710 --> 00:12:42,670
Kirby, hey! That's not--
325
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:43,880
Kirby, that's not funny.
326
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,930
Kirby, there's peanut dust
in the air now,
327
00:12:45,970 --> 00:12:48,050
all right? Kirb--
Kirby, stop.
328
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:51,270
Kirby, the Spencinator
commands you stop.
329
00:12:51,310 --> 00:12:52,390
You're not
the Spencinator.
330
00:12:52,430 --> 00:12:53,890
You're
the Scaredinator.
331
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:55,850
The Scare--oh,
there is so no such thing.
332
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:56,650
Is, too.
333
00:12:56,690 --> 00:12:58,400
Is not.
Scaredinator.
334
00:12:58,440 --> 00:12:59,520
I'm not the Scaredinator.
335
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,900
Then eat a peanut.
336
00:13:05,490 --> 00:13:06,530
I can't.
337
00:13:06,570 --> 00:13:07,910
Then you're
not the Spencinator,
338
00:13:07,950 --> 00:13:10,580
and I don't want you
to come here anymore.
339
00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:13,120
All right.
340
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,540
[SIGHS]
341
00:13:16,580 --> 00:13:19,420
Kirby...
342
00:13:19,460 --> 00:13:22,260
I'm gonna level
with you, OK?
343
00:13:24,260 --> 00:13:26,130
I live a small life.
344
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:28,510
I work in the subway.
345
00:13:28,550 --> 00:13:32,520
I've been held up
at gunpoint 17 times,
346
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,060
and twice with a finger.
347
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,520
Okay, I don't have
a lot of friends.
348
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,570
And the ones
that I do have...
349
00:13:40,610 --> 00:13:43,650
they make sport of
my many deficiencies.
350
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:47,820
Most prominently, my...
unusually wide hips.
351
00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:51,830
So, when you started thinking
that I was a superhero,
352
00:13:51,870 --> 00:13:53,700
you know,
it meant a lot to me.
353
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,580
And I just...
354
00:13:56,620 --> 00:13:57,790
What I'm trying to say is,
355
00:13:57,830 --> 00:14:00,040
I need to be the Spencinator
356
00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:02,670
as badly as you need me
to be the Spencinator.
357
00:14:02,710 --> 00:14:04,380
So, let's not
let a little thing
358
00:14:04,420 --> 00:14:07,180
like a peanut
ruin that, huh?
359
00:14:07,220 --> 00:14:08,640
You with me, kiddo?
360
00:14:10,470 --> 00:14:12,390
Scaredinator.
361
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,440
Hey, baby.
362
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:24,730
I'm running
a little late here.
363
00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:26,610
Oh, and F.Y.I.,
I used your toothbrush
364
00:14:26,650 --> 00:14:28,360
by mistake.
Ew.
365
00:14:29,820 --> 00:14:31,070
What are you ew-ing about?
We're married.
366
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,740
Then why'd you
say anything?
367
00:14:32,780 --> 00:14:34,830
You must have thought
you did something wrong.
368
00:14:35,830 --> 00:14:37,750
No. I just thought
you had a right to know,
369
00:14:37,790 --> 00:14:40,960
so sorry my mouth
repulses you.
370
00:14:42,460 --> 00:14:44,340
Well, it does.
371
00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:47,090
You want some breakfast
or something?
372
00:14:47,130 --> 00:14:48,800
You know what, I'm
just gonna grab a Pop-Tart
and eat it in the car.
373
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,300
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
No, no, no.
374
00:14:50,340 --> 00:14:51,640
Last time you
ate in the car,
375
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,050
you cost us $1,200,
376
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,560
also known as half
our bank account.
377
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,430
Remember your
little Fig Newton?
378
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:58,850
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
379
00:14:58,890 --> 00:15:00,150
I got news for you,
Jackson.
380
00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:02,110
You are banned
from eating in any car,
381
00:15:02,150 --> 00:15:03,110
ever, for life.
382
00:15:03,150 --> 00:15:05,070
OK, you know what?
You can't ban me.
383
00:15:05,110 --> 00:15:07,320
I'll just grab
another one and that's--
384
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,200
I--give me the Pop-Tart.
385
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:13,160
No. I'm serious, Doug.
You're done. That's it.
386
00:15:17,540 --> 00:15:20,960
OK. Here's the thing.
387
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,670
I wasn't actually
reaching for a Fig Newton
388
00:15:23,710 --> 00:15:25,090
when we had the accident.
389
00:15:25,130 --> 00:15:28,130
I was--I was trying to get
a look at a strip club,
390
00:15:28,170 --> 00:15:31,430
so let's not blame
an innocent Fig Newton.
391
00:15:31,470 --> 00:15:32,840
A strip club?
392
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:34,930
What can you possibly
see from the street?
393
00:15:34,970 --> 00:15:38,220
It just so happens
that I saw a nipple, OK?
394
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,850
Actually, it might
have been a light switch
395
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,020
or a thing
on a guy's neck,
396
00:15:43,060 --> 00:15:46,360
but I'd like to think
it was a nipple.
397
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:50,530
So you smashed our car
and mortgaged our future
398
00:15:50,570 --> 00:15:52,030
just to see
a light switch
399
00:15:52,070 --> 00:15:54,030
that kind of looked
like a nipple?
400
00:15:54,070 --> 00:15:55,990
Deacon told me to look,
so I looked, OK?
401
00:15:56,030 --> 00:15:58,750
Wait. Wait a minute.
Deacon told you to look?
402
00:15:58,790 --> 00:16:00,040
Pretty much, yeah.
403
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,580
Well, that's
an interesting
little tidbit.
404
00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:02,870
How come you didn't
tell me that before?
405
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,130
'Cause I didn't want
a Pop-Tart before.
406
00:16:08,340 --> 00:16:09,960
What difference
does it make, anyway?
407
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:11,720
It makes
abigdifference.
408
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,800
It means the accident
wasn't all your fault.
409
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,010
Carrie, I was
still driving.
410
00:16:15,050 --> 00:16:16,850
Are you familiar
with the law, Doug?
411
00:16:16,890 --> 00:16:18,430
Only what I've learned
from Judge Mills Lane.
412
00:16:18,470 --> 00:16:22,600
Well, I happen
to be a secretary
at a major law firm,
413
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,060
and do you know
what that means?
414
00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:26,230
Deacon made you look,
so he's at fault, too.
415
00:16:26,270 --> 00:16:27,940
It's called
chain of causation,
416
00:16:27,980 --> 00:16:29,570
and it is a legal fact.
417
00:16:29,610 --> 00:16:31,570
Chain of causation.
418
00:16:31,610 --> 00:16:33,150
Yeah.
Huh.
419
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:34,490
So do you
think it's fair
420
00:16:34,530 --> 00:16:36,070
that we pay for
the whole thing?
421
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,580
No, I do not, and I will
talk to my friend Deacon
422
00:16:38,620 --> 00:16:40,040
when I get to work.
423
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:43,790
Now give me the Pop-Tart
before I eat my own hand.
424
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,050
Hey, man.
425
00:16:50,090 --> 00:16:51,170
Hey. Uh, I'm
a little short here.
426
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:53,380
You got
a quarter on you?
427
00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,220
Thanks.
428
00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:00,180
So did you get
the car fixed yet?
429
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,270
Uh, it's in the shop
right now.
430
00:17:02,310 --> 00:17:04,020
Ah, great. Great.
431
00:17:04,060 --> 00:17:06,650
I know, it's crazy,
that accident.
432
00:17:06,690 --> 00:17:09,400
Huh?El accidente.
433
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:13,110
It's crazy how
the whole thing
happened. Isn't it?
434
00:17:13,150 --> 00:17:14,570
I guess.
435
00:17:14,610 --> 00:17:16,030
I mean, there I am
driving along,
eyes on the road,
436
00:17:16,070 --> 00:17:17,570
hands 10:00 and 2:00,
you know, you tell me
437
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,870
to look over
at that strip club,
so I look over, and--
438
00:17:21,490 --> 00:17:23,040
Actually...
439
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,920
it's almost like
because you told me
to look over,
440
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,920
you're kind of
partially to blame here.
441
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,630
That's kind
of nutty, huh?
442
00:17:29,670 --> 00:17:31,460
I'm not
partially to blame.
443
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:32,760
I never told you to look.
444
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,300
Well,
you yelled, "Whoa."
445
00:17:34,340 --> 00:17:35,800
"Whoa" is the same
as "Hey, look,"
446
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,850
especially when
it come to boobies.
447
00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:40,890
I didn't yell, "Whoa."
I said it to myself.
448
00:17:40,930 --> 00:17:42,390
Nah. No, you said it
like, "Whoa!"
449
00:17:42,430 --> 00:17:44,600
It wasn't "Whoa!"
It was more like...
450
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,480
[cool] "Whoa".
451
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:49,650
Whatever. The point
is the whoa was clearly
to attract my attention.
452
00:17:49,690 --> 00:17:51,150
You're out
of your mind, man.
453
00:17:51,190 --> 00:17:53,030
Maybe, but you know what
it sounds like to me?
454
00:17:53,070 --> 00:17:57,320
It sounds like
a textbook case of
chain of causation.
455
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,280
Chain of causation.
456
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:02,580
What is that,
a legal term, Doug?
457
00:18:02,620 --> 00:18:04,540
That's what
it is, yeah.
458
00:18:04,580 --> 00:18:06,460
What does it mean?
459
00:18:06,500 --> 00:18:07,790
Well, what it means is
460
00:18:07,830 --> 00:18:10,290
that you're
the link in the chain
461
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:13,000
that caused me
to take my eyes
off the road.
462
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:16,300
Chain of causation.
463
00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:19,220
Right. So what are
you gonna do? Sue me?
464
00:18:19,260 --> 00:18:21,350
Well, I don't think
it'll come to that.
465
00:18:21,390 --> 00:18:22,680
Good.
466
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,430
Because...
467
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:26,850
I don't, uh, think
you would want Kelly
468
00:18:26,890 --> 00:18:29,850
to find out
that you go out of
your way every day
469
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,650
to drive by and look
inside a strip club.
470
00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:36,990
You know my marriage
is still a little shaky,
471
00:18:37,030 --> 00:18:38,030
and you would
mess with that
472
00:18:38,070 --> 00:18:39,360
just to collect
a few dollars
473
00:18:39,410 --> 00:18:41,280
for an accident
that you caused?
474
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,330
Is that what you
want to do, Doug?
475
00:18:43,370 --> 00:18:46,000
Is that how much
you want to hurt me?
476
00:18:47,540 --> 00:18:48,920
No.
477
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:51,880
Hey, honey.
478
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,050
Hey, so how'd it go
with Deacon?
479
00:18:54,090 --> 00:18:55,420
I tried.
I got nothin'.
480
00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:57,880
Well, did you bring up
the chain of causation?
481
00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,550
Yeah. He didn't
go for it.
482
00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:01,220
Uh-huh.
483
00:19:01,260 --> 00:19:04,310
Actually, I, uh, talked
to one of the lawyers
at work today,
484
00:19:04,350 --> 00:19:06,560
and it turns out
that I, uh,
485
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,390
I got it
pretty wrong. Ahem.
486
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:10,730
OK, well, we tried.
487
00:19:10,770 --> 00:19:13,020
Damn it.
488
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:16,570
You know what I bet you
they're doin' right now?
489
00:19:16,610 --> 00:19:19,740
They're sittin' there
with their fixed car
490
00:19:19,780 --> 00:19:20,910
and safe kids,
491
00:19:20,950 --> 00:19:23,660
wearing my scarf,
just laughing at us.
492
00:19:25,870 --> 00:19:29,250
Well, their little
party's about to end.
493
00:19:30,790 --> 00:19:32,210
[DOORBELL RINGS]
494
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,420
Hi. Remember that scarf
I lent ya?
495
00:19:35,460 --> 00:19:38,420
I'm gonna need it back.
Thanks.
496
00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:42,390
Oh, I meant
to give that to you.
497
00:19:42,430 --> 00:19:43,970
OK.
498
00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:47,270
Here. I had it dry-cleaned.
499
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,230
Oh, did you?
500
00:19:50,270 --> 00:19:52,350
That was very sweet.
Thank you.
501
00:19:55,190 --> 00:19:57,860
OK, Kirby.
What's Kirby-ish?
502
00:19:57,900 --> 00:19:59,860
I'm Kirby. I'm turnin' 6.
What do I want?
503
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:01,570
Here. Get him this.
He'll love it.
504
00:20:01,610 --> 00:20:02,950
OK. That's a pricing gun.
505
00:20:02,990 --> 00:20:04,870
Well, honey,
I don't know.
Just pick something.
506
00:20:04,910 --> 00:20:06,080
I want to get
out of here.
507
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,290
I know. We gotta
get him something nice.
508
00:20:07,330 --> 00:20:08,660
I told him we'd
get him something nice.
509
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:10,910
Well, I'm sorry.
It's hard to pick out
a great gift
510
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,080
for a kid whose parents
bitch-slapped you
511
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:14,880
out of everything
you have in checking.
512
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,000
OK. Well, we
probably shouldn't
take it out on Kirby.
513
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,670
He didn't do
anything to us.
514
00:20:19,710 --> 00:20:21,510
He's their evil spawn.
515
00:20:21,550 --> 00:20:23,470
OK. You--
516
00:20:23,510 --> 00:20:24,970
You're lookin' a lot
like this right now.
517
00:20:25,010 --> 00:20:26,010
Now that's what I'm
gettin' from you, OK?
518
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:28,520
I'm gettin' this.
519
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,350
OK?
520
00:20:30,390 --> 00:20:32,980
All right. Look
the point is we--
we hit their car,
521
00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:34,310
all right,
and we paid
for the damage.
522
00:20:34,350 --> 00:20:35,730
That's all that
really happened.
523
00:20:35,770 --> 00:20:41,650
No. She also dry-cleaned
my scarf against my will.
524
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:45,450
Look. I have tickets
to the Knick game
this Saturday,
525
00:20:45,490 --> 00:20:48,450
and I really want
to go with Deacon.
526
00:20:48,490 --> 00:20:49,830
Actually, Deacon
has the tickets.
527
00:20:49,870 --> 00:20:51,250
I just want to go.
528
00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:53,710
The point is, I--
529
00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:55,040
I just want to be
friends with them
again, don't you?
530
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,170
Yeah, I do.
I just--I just--
531
00:20:57,210 --> 00:20:59,090
can't get past this.
532
00:20:59,130 --> 00:21:01,460
It's like losing
all your money
in Atlantic City.
533
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:02,880
You know
it's not their fault,
534
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,300
but you still want
to burn the place down.
535
00:21:04,340 --> 00:21:07,550
[WHISPERING]
Shh. We're not gonna
burn anybody down.
536
00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:12,230
Fine. I'll let it go...
537
00:21:12,930 --> 00:21:15,650
or not.
538
00:21:15,690 --> 00:21:18,060
Look what we have here.
539
00:21:29,740 --> 00:21:33,410
I'm glad this whole
accident thing
is behind us!
540
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:36,580
Love you guys!
541
00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:38,590
What?!
542
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:41,380
Nothin'!
543
00:21:50,260 --> 00:21:52,140
KIRBY [ON PHONE]:
544
00:22:01,150 --> 00:22:02,730
SPENCE [ON PHONE]:
545
00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:10,120
[**]
37951
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