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1
00:00:03,370 --> 00:00:06,840
[**]
2
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,750
CARRIE [GROANS]:
It wasn't supposed
to rain today.
3
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,170
Damn Al Roker!
4
00:00:11,210 --> 00:00:13,050
Hurry up and open the door,
I'm getting soaked.
5
00:00:14,090 --> 00:00:15,930
I can't get at the keys!
[SCOFFS]
6
00:00:15,970 --> 00:00:18,010
Here, I'll get 'em.
Hold these.
7
00:00:18,050 --> 00:00:19,760
Ow! Easy, that's
a soda bag.
8
00:00:19,810 --> 00:00:21,350
Oh, sorry.
9
00:00:22,100 --> 00:00:23,770
Oh, yeah, Mamma Leone,
10
00:00:23,810 --> 00:00:26,060
someone wants a big slice
of big Dougie pie!
11
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:28,110
Hey, would you shut up!
12
00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:30,480
What are you doing
with all these keys?!
13
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:33,030
What are you, Schneider?
Which one's the house key?
14
00:00:33,070 --> 00:00:34,490
Right-- You just passed it,
right there!
15
00:00:34,530 --> 00:00:36,700
CARRIE: Find the key
and open the damn door!
16
00:00:36,740 --> 00:00:38,410
DOUG: Fine! I just gotta
put the bags down!
17
00:00:38,450 --> 00:00:40,200
CARRIE: All right, but don't
put the bags in the puddle!
18
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,040
DOUG:
It's all puddles!
19
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:45,460
Heh, crazy kids.
20
00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:48,920
* My eyesare gettin' weary *
21
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,090
* My back is gettin' tight *
22
00:00:51,130 --> 00:00:52,800
* I'm sittin' herein traffic *
23
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,720
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight *
24
00:00:55,760 --> 00:01:01,390
* But I don't care,'cause all I want to do *
25
00:01:01,430 --> 00:01:05,850
* Is cash my check and driveright home to you *
26
00:01:07,060 --> 00:01:08,730
* 'Cause, baby,all my life *
27
00:01:08,770 --> 00:01:12,480
* I will be drivin' hometo you *
28
00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:24,830
OK, got some chicken,
got some potatoes.
29
00:01:24,870 --> 00:01:28,630
Hey, hey.
OK, watch the finger!
30
00:01:28,670 --> 00:01:32,420
Hey, don't mean to interrupt
Animal Planet,
31
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,630
but how was everyone's day?
32
00:01:34,670 --> 00:01:36,260
Anything to say?
33
00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:38,130
Anyone?
34
00:01:38,180 --> 00:01:40,430
Can you believe
that news about
the vice president?
35
00:01:40,470 --> 00:01:41,510
What news?
36
00:01:41,550 --> 00:01:43,930
What news?
He resigned today.
37
00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:44,770
Who did?
38
00:01:44,810 --> 00:01:46,600
Al Gore,
the vice president.
39
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,520
What, do you live
in a cave?
40
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,230
No, I do not live
in a cave,
41
00:01:51,270 --> 00:01:52,570
and Al Gore
did not resign.
42
00:01:52,610 --> 00:01:54,650
He absolutely did!
43
00:01:55,860 --> 00:01:56,570
Doug?
44
00:01:56,610 --> 00:01:58,820
I don't know.
45
00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:00,820
It was right
on the front page
46
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:02,200
of today's paper.
I'll show ya.
47
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:03,660
Dad, if Gore resigned,
48
00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:04,830
how come there was
nothing about it
49
00:02:04,870 --> 00:02:06,290
on the news
or on the radio?
50
00:02:06,330 --> 00:02:09,080
Maybe this man
had a scoop.
51
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,290
Oh, by the way,
Marc and Abby called,
52
00:02:11,330 --> 00:02:13,590
they want to know
if we want to do
Benihana Saturday night.
53
00:02:13,630 --> 00:02:15,130
Oh, yeah,
I like that place.
54
00:02:15,170 --> 00:02:17,880
Better than goin' to that
stupid IPS Banquet anyway.
55
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,590
The company's
havin' a banquet?
56
00:02:19,630 --> 00:02:21,010
Yeah, but we don't have to go.
Let's do Benihana.
57
00:02:21,050 --> 00:02:24,140
Oh, I hope we get Aiko.
Last time we had Lenny.
58
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:27,640
I can't find
the front section.
59
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:28,850
Would you
forget about it?
60
00:02:28,890 --> 00:02:30,350
It's probably
in the garbage.
61
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,150
Thank you.
62
00:02:33,190 --> 00:02:35,360
So what's the banquet for?
63
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:36,940
Dad, get out of the garbage.
64
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,490
Oh, let him go.
Maybe he'll fall in.
65
00:02:39,530 --> 00:02:41,450
So what's
the banquet for?
66
00:02:41,490 --> 00:02:43,030
Oh. It's just
for Les Fisker.
67
00:02:43,070 --> 00:02:44,740
He's been with the company
like 20 years or somethin'.
68
00:02:44,780 --> 00:02:45,950
Who's Les Fisker?
69
00:02:45,990 --> 00:02:47,620
There's still tuna
in this can.
70
00:02:47,660 --> 00:02:50,250
Do we own a diamond mine
I don't know about?
71
00:02:51,540 --> 00:02:53,790
Who's Les Fisker?
He's my boss.
72
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,210
I thought O'Boyle
was your boss.
73
00:02:55,250 --> 00:02:56,340
O'Boyle's
just my supervisor.
74
00:02:56,380 --> 00:02:58,010
Fisker runs
the whole place.
75
00:02:58,050 --> 00:03:00,010
OK, then, don't you
think you should go?
76
00:03:00,050 --> 00:03:01,800
Why? He doesn't
even know me?
77
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,600
What do you mean,
he doesn't know you?
78
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:04,550
He doesn't know me.
79
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:05,560
He doesn't know you?!
80
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,220
He no know Dougie.
81
00:03:09,310 --> 00:03:12,020
Ah-ha! "Gore resigns...
82
00:03:12,060 --> 00:03:15,110
himself
to wooden image."
83
00:03:15,150 --> 00:03:17,900
Well, this is obviously
the wrong newspaper.
84
00:03:18,820 --> 00:03:20,320
So, Doug...
Ya?
85
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:21,450
I think we should go
86
00:03:21,490 --> 00:03:23,070
to the banquet
on Saturday night.
87
00:03:23,110 --> 00:03:23,910
Why?
88
00:03:23,950 --> 00:03:25,120
Why? Because
he's your boss.
89
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,080
This is a perfect chance
90
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,910
for you to get
some brownie points.
91
00:03:27,950 --> 00:03:29,750
You know, stand out
from the pack
a little bit.
92
00:03:29,790 --> 00:03:31,000
Oh. All right,
all right.
93
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:32,920
Now I see how
we got off track here.
94
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,500
See, you want me
to stand out from the pack,
95
00:03:35,540 --> 00:03:38,340
whereas I want to remain
hidden and obscured
96
00:03:38,380 --> 00:03:40,380
by that very same pack.
97
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,640
Carrie,
it's how I survive.
98
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:44,760
All right?
99
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:45,930
Staying nameless
and faceless.
100
00:03:45,970 --> 00:03:48,430
Not too good,
not too bad.
101
00:03:48,470 --> 00:03:51,100
Right on the cutting edge
of mediocre.
102
00:03:52,060 --> 00:03:53,940
Doug, I think
you're being ridiculous.
103
00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:57,150
Oh, you just want him
to kiss a little heinie.
104
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,280
Sure, you get
the big promotion,
105
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:01,780
but you lose your soul.
106
00:04:01,820 --> 00:04:03,530
OK, bubby,
just eat your dinner.
107
00:04:03,570 --> 00:04:04,950
In all the jobs
I ever had,
108
00:04:04,990 --> 00:04:07,450
I never kowtowed
to the bosses.
109
00:04:07,490 --> 00:04:09,790
I spoke my mind!
110
00:04:09,830 --> 00:04:11,450
Which is why you have
no pension, no benefits,
111
00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:13,830
and you live
in our basement.
112
00:04:15,170 --> 00:04:18,420
You really swung from
the heels on that one,
didn't ya?
113
00:04:19,250 --> 00:04:20,010
Doug...
114
00:04:20,050 --> 00:04:21,010
Fine. You know?
OK, fine.
115
00:04:21,050 --> 00:04:22,630
We will go
to the banquet. OK?
116
00:04:22,670 --> 00:04:25,720
Way to go,
sellout!
117
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,060
DOUG:
Carrie, I'm leavin'!
118
00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:33,390
Doug, wait.
Wait, wait, wait!
119
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:34,730
What's up?
120
00:04:34,770 --> 00:04:35,810
Sign one of these, OK?
And bring it to your boss.
121
00:04:35,850 --> 00:04:37,650
Sign what?
A card.
122
00:04:37,690 --> 00:04:39,690
You know,
to congratulate him
for his 20 years.
123
00:04:39,730 --> 00:04:41,740
A card? No, no,
that's way over the top.
124
00:04:41,780 --> 00:04:43,950
No, it isn't. Doug,
it's good office politics.
125
00:04:43,990 --> 00:04:45,660
I do it all the time
at work.
126
00:04:45,700 --> 00:04:46,950
Really? Is that why
you're on the fast track
127
00:04:46,990 --> 00:04:48,990
to making less coffee
next year?
128
00:04:49,030 --> 00:04:51,700
Sure, take a vicious shot
at me. Very nice.
129
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,660
Come on,
pick one and sign it.
130
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,920
Fine. Why do you
have all these anyway?
131
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,670
Oh, when I see
a card I like,
132
00:04:57,710 --> 00:05:00,000
I just buy it,
even if I don't need it...
133
00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:02,090
Like what you do
with beef.
134
00:05:03,050 --> 00:05:05,090
OK, how about that one?
135
00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:08,600
Two deer drinking
from a mountain stream.
136
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,060
Um, do you have
anything gayer?
137
00:05:14,810 --> 00:05:17,940
Here. Hunting dogs.
Heterosexual enough for ya?
138
00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:19,900
[SIGHS]
Fine.
139
00:05:19,940 --> 00:05:22,650
I can't believe it.
First a banquet, now a card.
140
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:24,150
Who am I?
141
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:27,700
Ooh, I love you,
boss. Mmm!
142
00:05:27,740 --> 00:05:31,950
I love you
so much. Mmm!
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
143
00:05:31,990 --> 00:05:35,580
OK, you know what?
Catchin' a little
Pop-Tart shower there.
144
00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:38,080
All right,
let me see. Let me see.
145
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:43,630
"Congratulations.
Doug Heffernan,
driver 622-H7.
146
00:05:43,670 --> 00:05:46,970
Hon, it's a card,
not an invoice.
147
00:05:47,010 --> 00:05:49,260
You know what?
You write it.
148
00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:51,430
OK, I will.
149
00:05:58,270 --> 00:06:00,110
Here.
150
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:05,530
"Congratulations,
I hear you got
20 to life."
151
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:09,910
What does that mean?
152
00:06:09,950 --> 00:06:14,200
20 to life,
like working there's
a prison sentence.
153
00:06:15,410 --> 00:06:17,290
It's funny.
154
00:06:21,670 --> 00:06:23,340
Hey, man.
155
00:06:23,380 --> 00:06:24,500
Hey.
156
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:25,510
What's the matter?
157
00:06:25,550 --> 00:06:28,050
Man,
got a fugly route today.
158
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,300
They got me goin'
back and forth
159
00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:32,930
over the bridge 3 times.
160
00:06:32,970 --> 00:06:34,100
I get winded
peeling an orange.
161
00:06:34,140 --> 00:06:36,470
We all have
our crosses to bear.
162
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:38,560
You ready
to head out?
163
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:39,940
Yeah.
Give me 2 seconds.
164
00:06:39,980 --> 00:06:41,940
I just gotta drop this
by Fisker's office.
165
00:06:41,980 --> 00:06:43,770
Fisker?
What you got for him?
166
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,730
Oh, it's just
a congratulations card.
167
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,190
You know,
for his 20 years here.
168
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,780
What, didn't you, uh--
Didn't you get him one?
169
00:06:48,820 --> 00:06:50,820
Heh. No.
170
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:54,530
Hey, any of you guys
givin' cards to Fisker?
171
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,040
No.
No, not me.
No.
172
00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:00,580
[RING]
173
00:07:01,670 --> 00:07:02,830
Mr. Grossman's office.
174
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,380
Nobody's givin' cards!
175
00:07:05,420 --> 00:07:06,920
Doug?
176
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,130
None of the other drivers
are doin' anything.
177
00:07:08,170 --> 00:07:09,130
I'm gonna be the only one!
178
00:07:09,170 --> 00:07:10,380
MR. GROSSMAN:
Carrie!
179
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,260
Doug, listen to me.
180
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,930
Everything's
gonna be fine.
181
00:07:12,970 --> 00:07:15,100
Mommy loves you. Now
just give him the card!
182
00:07:15,140 --> 00:07:17,600
MR. GROSSMAN:
Carrie, this was
supposed to be decaf!
183
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,520
Gotta go!
184
00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:24,980
Hi.
185
00:07:25,020 --> 00:07:27,650
Hello. Can I help
you with something?
186
00:07:27,690 --> 00:07:30,780
Uh, yeah, I, uh,
I work here...
187
00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:34,660
and, uh, I just wanted
to drop this off
for Mr. Fisker.
188
00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:35,910
Oh, what is it?
189
00:07:35,950 --> 00:07:37,990
It's just a card
for his 20-year thing.
190
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,830
Oh, how thoughtful.
191
00:07:39,870 --> 00:07:41,330
Actually, he's not busy.
192
00:07:41,370 --> 00:07:43,210
Why don't you just
pop on in and give it
to him personally.
193
00:07:43,250 --> 00:07:45,790
No! No, no.
No, no, that's fine.
I don't want to bother him.
194
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:47,170
Actually, he's due
at a meeting anyway.
195
00:07:47,210 --> 00:07:48,460
No, no, no, no,
please, don't, please.
196
00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:49,460
You wait right here.
197
00:07:49,510 --> 00:07:51,010
I'm asking.
Please stop walking. No.
198
00:08:00,020 --> 00:08:01,020
Can we go now?
199
00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:02,350
Yeah, just
give me 2 seconds.
200
00:08:02,390 --> 00:08:05,400
I gotta show a urinal cake
who's boss.
201
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,030
Hey, Eddie.
202
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:12,740
[CHUCKLING]
203
00:08:12,780 --> 00:08:16,410
"20 to life," that's...
204
00:08:16,450 --> 00:08:18,080
funny stuff.
205
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,450
Oh, tight squeeze, huh?
206
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:21,870
Yeah,
I get that a lot.
207
00:08:21,910 --> 00:08:23,710
Heh heh.
208
00:08:23,750 --> 00:08:25,790
DEACON: Doug, let's go!
209
00:08:25,830 --> 00:08:27,250
Are you Doug Heffernan?
210
00:08:27,290 --> 00:08:29,210
No!
211
00:08:29,250 --> 00:08:32,380
Did--Did you say
Heffernan?
212
00:08:32,420 --> 00:08:33,260
Yes.
213
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:35,340
Oh, then,
yes, I am, yes.
214
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,010
Well, I'm--
I'm Les Fisker.
215
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:39,680
Oh, hi. Hello.
216
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,730
Oh, thank you
for the card.
217
00:08:41,770 --> 00:08:44,100
Oh, you're welcome.
Yes...you are.
218
00:08:44,140 --> 00:08:46,060
20 to life, very clever.
219
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:47,690
Aw, it just
kinda came to me.
220
00:08:47,730 --> 00:08:50,730
Mmm. You're
in the wrong business.
221
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:52,150
You should be
writing for Imus.
222
00:08:52,190 --> 00:08:55,070
Oh. Thanks.
Thank you very much.
223
00:08:55,110 --> 00:08:57,990
Anyway, it was
very thoughtful.
Thank you again.
224
00:08:58,030 --> 00:08:59,620
No problem.
Well, you take care now.
225
00:08:59,660 --> 00:09:01,830
Yeah. Uh, Doug?
Ya?
226
00:09:01,870 --> 00:09:04,660
How are things goin'
for you guys down here?
227
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:07,420
Oh, uh, you know what?
Everything's been really--
228
00:09:07,460 --> 00:09:10,130
[DRYER WHIRRING]
Really good, you know?
Things are goin' good!
229
00:09:10,170 --> 00:09:11,420
People really--
230
00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:13,470
Customers really seem
to enjoy their packages!
231
00:09:13,510 --> 00:09:16,760
Aah! That's kinda hot
when you start dry!
232
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:17,970
[DRYER STOPS]
233
00:09:18,010 --> 00:09:19,260
All right, well, you know,
good seeing you.
234
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,430
Doug--Doug!
Crazy thought just hit me.
235
00:09:21,470 --> 00:09:23,430
Yeah.
You know
the company's giving me
236
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,690
this banquet thing
on Saturday.
237
00:09:25,730 --> 00:09:26,940
Yeah, uh-huh.
238
00:09:26,980 --> 00:09:29,520
Well, it's gonna be
like a roast, you know?
239
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:31,110
One of those things
where people get up
240
00:09:31,150 --> 00:09:33,110
to the microphone
and zing ya.
241
00:09:33,150 --> 00:09:35,490
Ooh, ouch. Heh heh.
242
00:09:35,530 --> 00:09:37,030
Want to roast me?
243
00:09:37,070 --> 00:09:39,280
I'm sorry. What?
Roast me.
244
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,790
You'll represent
the other drivers.
245
00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:45,620
And don't hold back,
I think I can
take a joke.
246
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:48,670
Well, I guess we'll
find out on Saturday, huh?
247
00:09:48,710 --> 00:09:50,590
Ha ha ha ha!
248
00:10:00,390 --> 00:10:01,680
Hey, babe.
249
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,010
Hello.
250
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:05,020
Mmm!
I picked up some deli.
251
00:10:05,060 --> 00:10:07,480
Mmm. Deli. Great.
252
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,520
So did you give
Mr. Fisker the card?
253
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,480
Just like
you told me.
254
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:16,570
And did your world
come crashing down?
255
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,030
Yes, it did.
256
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,580
What do you mean?
257
00:10:23,620 --> 00:10:26,540
Well, it seems
he was so tickled
by your little card
258
00:10:26,580 --> 00:10:29,620
that now I have
to roast the man.
What?
259
00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:31,380
Yeah, I gotta stand in front
of a bunch of people
260
00:10:31,420 --> 00:10:33,290
at a banquet
and insult him.
261
00:10:33,340 --> 00:10:35,050
You have
so screwed me up here.
262
00:10:35,090 --> 00:10:39,800
So, then he thought my card
was funny, huh?
263
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:40,970
He sure did.
264
00:10:41,010 --> 00:10:42,970
Oh, "20 to life".
That's some big funny.
265
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,890
That's Gallagher funny
right there.
266
00:10:45,930 --> 00:10:48,310
Doug, calm down.
This is a good thing.
267
00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:49,730
I mean,
out of all the drivers,
268
00:10:49,770 --> 00:10:51,980
Fisker picked you
to do this.
269
00:10:52,020 --> 00:10:53,230
That means he likes you.
270
00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:55,650
OK, let's review.
Don't want him to like me.
271
00:10:55,690 --> 00:10:57,400
Don't want him
to know me, OK?
272
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:58,900
You made me
kiss his butt,
273
00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:02,160
now I'm wearing his ass
as a turban!
274
00:11:07,620 --> 00:11:09,620
Do you still
want deli?
275
00:11:10,290 --> 00:11:12,170
I'm angry, not dead.
276
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,630
He was born and raisedon a farm outside ofNorfolk, Nebraska.
277
00:11:19,670 --> 00:11:21,550
I knowhe's a real farm boy,
278
00:11:21,590 --> 00:11:25,470
'cause last nightI saw him at the barwith a couple of pigs.
279
00:11:25,510 --> 00:11:26,810
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
280
00:11:26,850 --> 00:11:29,100
All right, Arthur,
this isn't helping
at all.
281
00:11:29,140 --> 00:11:30,190
Are you kidding?
282
00:11:30,230 --> 00:11:32,270
These are the classic
celebrity roasts.
283
00:11:32,310 --> 00:11:34,940
You can get
a lot of material.
284
00:11:34,980 --> 00:11:36,650
Unless you think
you have nothing to learn
285
00:11:36,690 --> 00:11:39,610
from Mr. Fred Travalena?
286
00:11:39,650 --> 00:11:42,700
All right, fine.
So show me something
I can use.
287
00:11:42,740 --> 00:11:44,570
[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]
Ooh, ooh...
288
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:46,410
This is a great bit for you.
Look.
289
00:11:46,450 --> 00:11:47,790
Unh!
290
00:11:47,830 --> 00:11:49,330
So you're Muhammad Ali, huh?That's right.
291
00:11:49,370 --> 00:11:52,170
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
292
00:11:53,330 --> 00:11:55,540
You don't look likethat much to me!
293
00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:58,380
You want to step outin the alley, Ali?
294
00:11:58,420 --> 00:12:01,170
[LAUGHS]
295
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:02,880
Huh? Huh? You like?
296
00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:05,300
Okay, a couple
problems here.
297
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:08,970
First of all, my boss is
not heavyweight champion
of the world,
298
00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:12,190
and I am not
the Jeffersons.
299
00:12:12,230 --> 00:12:13,900
So what.
Just tweak it.
300
00:12:13,940 --> 00:12:15,860
Update the references
in your home.
301
00:12:15,900 --> 00:12:19,400
Do I have
to spoon-feed this to ya?
302
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:20,780
Good-bye.
303
00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:24,360
Wait. Wait, look!
Foster Brooks.
304
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:26,660
Use his drunk routine.
305
00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:32,210
Hey, Fisker, give me
another martooni.
[HICCUPS]
306
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:39,710
Ah, I miss the day when
alcoholism was light,
breezy entertainment.
307
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:42,800
Hey.
308
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:44,300
You know,
I used to love you.
309
00:12:44,340 --> 00:12:47,550
Now I associate you
with pain.
310
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,640
Haven't written
any jokes yet?
311
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,020
No!
I got so desperate,
312
00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:54,020
I even turned
to Mini-Me out there.
313
00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:58,360
ARTHUR: Hurtful, and
you're missing Bruce Jenner!
314
00:12:58,400 --> 00:12:59,770
Look, don't
worry about it.
315
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,690
You'll come up
with something.
You still have--
316
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:03,530
2 days, Carrie!
I got 2 days!
317
00:13:03,570 --> 00:13:04,900
All right, big deal.
All you have to do
318
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,820
is come up with a few
cute little jokes,
you know?
319
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,780
It's not that hard.
320
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:10,870
Not that--
Oh, that's right!
321
00:13:10,910 --> 00:13:13,290
I forgot.
I'm married to
a gifted funny lady!
322
00:13:13,330 --> 00:13:15,210
You know what?
Hey, you worked
the magic on my card.
323
00:13:15,250 --> 00:13:17,750
Let's see
what you can do
with this, Miss Buzzi.
324
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:23,510
OK, you got some very
disturbing doodles here.
325
00:13:23,550 --> 00:13:24,760
Jokes, please.
326
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,930
OK, I'll come up
with somethin'.
327
00:13:34,810 --> 00:13:36,440
What's goin' on?
The gags comin'
so fast and furious
328
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:37,730
you can't
write 'em down?
329
00:13:37,770 --> 00:13:38,980
You want me to get
a tape recorder?
330
00:13:39,020 --> 00:13:40,020
Shut up!
331
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,860
OK. I got it.
I got it. I got it.
332
00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:44,530
His name is
Les Fisker, right?
333
00:13:44,570 --> 00:13:45,490
Mm-hmm.
334
00:13:45,530 --> 00:13:47,570
OK, this is
what you say.
335
00:13:47,610 --> 00:13:49,410
Hey, everybody...
336
00:13:49,450 --> 00:13:52,580
we're here
to honor Les Fisker.
337
00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:56,620
Hey, if he's Les,
I'd hate to see more!
338
00:14:00,460 --> 00:14:01,590
I don't want
to roast him.
339
00:14:01,630 --> 00:14:03,050
Come on, Deac,
it'll be fun.
340
00:14:03,090 --> 00:14:05,970
Hey, hey, "If he's Les,
I'd hate to see more."
341
00:14:06,010 --> 00:14:08,430
Huh? Hey,
you can have that one.
342
00:14:08,470 --> 00:14:10,180
Look, man, I got
a family to feed.
343
00:14:10,220 --> 00:14:12,260
I'm not in a rush
to insult my boss in public.
344
00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:13,720
Not insult, rib.
345
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,770
And once again,
a lot of fun.
346
00:14:15,810 --> 00:14:17,270
So why don't you
want to do it?
347
00:14:17,310 --> 00:14:18,730
It's not my thing.
348
00:14:18,770 --> 00:14:20,310
I'm not funny
in front of people
the way you are.
349
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,610
Hey, hey, my homeys,
what's up?
350
00:14:21,650 --> 00:14:24,360
Deacman is
in the hizzouuuse!
351
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:30,700
Don't do that again.
352
00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:32,870
Come on, man,
I'm beggin' you!
353
00:14:32,910 --> 00:14:34,830
It ain't gonna happen,
my friend.
354
00:14:35,830 --> 00:14:37,960
Hey. Hey, Dugan,
how about you?
355
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,250
Come on, you want
to give it a shot?
356
00:14:39,290 --> 00:14:41,170
Morales, huh?
Hey, you guys
could be a team.
357
00:14:41,210 --> 00:14:44,050
Irish, Puerto Rican,
I'm laughin' already,
358
00:14:44,090 --> 00:14:47,260
and a great plea
for tolerance. Hello.
359
00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:48,630
Hey. Psst.
360
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,510
Here comes
your boyfriend.
361
00:14:50,550 --> 00:14:52,930
Ha ha!
Morning! Morning! Hello!
362
00:14:52,970 --> 00:14:55,220
Don't mean to scare you folks
by comin' downstairs.
363
00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:57,270
You're all doin'
a great job, great job.
364
00:14:57,310 --> 00:14:59,310
Heh heh.
You probably heard
that Doug here
365
00:14:59,350 --> 00:15:01,810
is gonna be roasting me
tomorrow night.
366
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,520
If you saw
his card I put up
on the bulletin board,
367
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:06,150
you know Dougie--
368
00:15:06,190 --> 00:15:09,820
Well, he's a--
He's one funny S.O.B., huh?
369
00:15:09,860 --> 00:15:12,120
Well, he's gonna be
zingin' me for you folks.
370
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,620
I just wanted to say
to all of you.
371
00:15:14,660 --> 00:15:17,330
Up yours in advance.
Huh? Huh?
372
00:15:17,370 --> 00:15:19,250
[LAUGHS]
373
00:15:19,290 --> 00:15:21,170
Well, that's all.
Let's get to work, people.
374
00:15:21,210 --> 00:15:25,340
Let's go, go, go.
Chop chop! Come on!
375
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,340
Um, Mr. Fisker?
376
00:15:31,380 --> 00:15:32,890
Yeah, Doug?
377
00:15:32,930 --> 00:15:35,390
Uh, about
the roast thing.
378
00:15:35,430 --> 00:15:36,470
Yeah?
379
00:15:36,510 --> 00:15:37,770
It's just that I--
I don't think--
380
00:15:37,810 --> 00:15:40,310
I mean, I might not
be able to do it.
381
00:15:40,350 --> 00:15:42,400
Oh? Why not?
382
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:46,520
Uh, well, you see,
I forgot that we have
a thing this weekend.
383
00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:48,900
My wife's sister,
as it turns out,
384
00:15:48,940 --> 00:15:50,650
is having
her roast tomorrow.
385
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:51,990
What?
386
00:15:52,030 --> 00:15:53,370
Well, it's really
more of a wedding,
387
00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:54,620
but we're probably gonna
make fun of her a little.
388
00:15:54,660 --> 00:15:56,200
She stutters.
389
00:15:56,870 --> 00:15:57,830
What's going on,
Doug?
390
00:15:57,870 --> 00:15:58,950
Do you really
have a wedding
391
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,870
or are you just
jerking my chain?
392
00:16:00,910 --> 00:16:02,540
No, no, no.
Hey, look, if I was
gonna jerk your chain,
393
00:16:02,580 --> 00:16:04,540
I would have done it
the other day in
the men's room, right?
394
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:06,290
Wa-bang!
395
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:09,840
If you don't want
to come to my banquet,
then don't come,
396
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,510
but don't make
a fool of me, Doug.
397
00:16:14,260 --> 00:16:17,890
Uh, Mr. Fisker,
you know what? Thought.
398
00:16:17,930 --> 00:16:20,770
I don't know
if I really have
to go to the wedding.
399
00:16:20,810 --> 00:16:23,190
She's just
a half-sister.
400
00:16:23,230 --> 00:16:26,230
Bottom line, I will
see you at the roast!
401
00:16:26,270 --> 00:16:28,530
All right.
Good!
402
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:31,240
Good!
403
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:41,370
Hey, honey,
how ya doin'?
404
00:16:41,410 --> 00:16:44,500
I can't stop sweating.
405
00:16:44,540 --> 00:16:46,000
Poor baby.
406
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:49,300
I put a couple
of your Maxipads
under my armpits, but...
407
00:16:53,010 --> 00:16:55,090
...they--they just
soak right through.
408
00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:58,180
Yeah,
that's because these
are for light days.
409
00:16:58,220 --> 00:17:01,100
I'm so nervous,
the back of my head
is actually numb.
410
00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:03,020
Doug, everything's
gonna be OK.
411
00:17:03,060 --> 00:17:04,940
Everyone's there
just to have some fun.
412
00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:07,440
You'll go up, you'll
do your jokes here,
413
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:08,610
everyone will laugh,
414
00:17:08,650 --> 00:17:11,190
and it'll
all be over with.
415
00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:11,940
You think?
416
00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:13,490
Yes.
Now, come on.
417
00:17:13,530 --> 00:17:15,740
Lay your head
right here.
418
00:17:15,780 --> 00:17:19,160
It's OK.
Everything's gonna
be just fine.
419
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,580
Yes, it is.
420
00:17:32,550 --> 00:17:37,050
And now, speaking
for the drivers,
Doug Heffernan.
421
00:17:40,180 --> 00:17:41,970
Thank you. Well, it's--
422
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:45,350
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, it certainly has been
a fun evening thus far.
423
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,190
Hello, everyone.
424
00:17:50,230 --> 00:17:53,820
I know that we're all
gathered here tonight
for the same reason...
425
00:17:53,860 --> 00:17:55,860
the shrimp toast.
426
00:17:56,990 --> 00:17:58,370
But seriously,
427
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:01,490
uh, Les, you've been here
like 20 years, right?
428
00:18:01,530 --> 00:18:02,580
Yup, yup.
429
00:18:02,620 --> 00:18:04,200
Wow. That's a--
That's a long time.
430
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:06,000
I think the reason
he's lasted so long
431
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,540
is because
he works so hard...
432
00:18:08,580 --> 00:18:12,210
Or is it that
he hardly works?!
433
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,550
My God,
that's generic.
434
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:21,510
Seriously, again,
Les has done a great job
here at IPS.
435
00:18:21,550 --> 00:18:25,100
He's gotten the whole place
running like clockwork...
436
00:18:25,140 --> 00:18:28,940
if that clock was built
by a crazed wino!
437
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:31,560
[CHUCKLING]
438
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,360
No, no, really, Les
has personally introduced
439
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:39,030
some great innovations
at IPS,
440
00:18:39,070 --> 00:18:41,240
the 3-hour lunch,
and of course,
441
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,370
his bring your underage
girlfriend to work day.
442
00:18:44,410 --> 00:18:46,200
[LAUGHING]
443
00:18:47,330 --> 00:18:50,250
But all jokin' aside,
it was Les' idea
444
00:18:50,290 --> 00:18:52,210
for guaranteed
overnight delivery
445
00:18:52,250 --> 00:18:54,380
and to start a late-night
pick-up service.
446
00:18:54,420 --> 00:18:57,920
Oh, and speaking of
late-night pick-ups,
447
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,970
how about his wife Alana?!
448
00:19:00,010 --> 00:19:01,510
[LAUGHING]
449
00:19:01,550 --> 00:19:03,140
Ohh!
450
00:19:04,390 --> 00:19:05,600
Ah, heh heh. Heh.
451
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:09,230
Yeah, isn't she a great gal?
452
00:19:09,270 --> 00:19:12,270
I don't--I don't want
to say Alana is easy,
453
00:19:12,310 --> 00:19:14,570
but she gives a whole
new meaning to the phrase,
454
00:19:14,610 --> 00:19:16,400
please form an orderly line.
455
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:17,610
[LAUGHING]
456
00:19:17,650 --> 00:19:19,610
Are you with me?
457
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:23,620
I'm kiddin'. You know
I love you, Alana...
458
00:19:23,660 --> 00:19:25,620
Later, in my truck.
459
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:31,540
Let me ask you this, folks,
460
00:19:31,580 --> 00:19:35,000
you guys know actually
how many people work at IPS?
461
00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:37,550
Huh? Anybody know?
It's one out of 4.
462
00:19:37,590 --> 00:19:39,130
[LAUGHTER]
463
00:19:39,170 --> 00:19:41,630
Hey, did every table
get a number 2 pencil?
464
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,300
I'm kiddin' around, Red.
465
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:47,270
Nice hair, sir, does that
come with a chin strap? Okay...
466
00:19:47,310 --> 00:19:50,690
Loved you inCocoon.
All right.
467
00:19:50,730 --> 00:19:54,060
42 years of wedded bliss.
468
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:57,150
Let's hear it for 'em, folks.
Let's hear it for 'em.
469
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:01,950
The Deucemans. The Deucemans.
470
00:20:01,990 --> 00:20:05,030
[ANIMALISTIC VOCALIZING]
471
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,080
And, uh...
472
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:08,040
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
473
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:10,910
Leave it there!
That's what I'm talkin' about!
474
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,250
[LAUGHTER]
475
00:20:13,830 --> 00:20:15,840
Oh. Oh! Ah!
476
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,090
Oh, gosh,
this has been great, folks.
477
00:20:18,130 --> 00:20:19,380
But you know,
let's not forget
478
00:20:19,420 --> 00:20:20,970
what this night
is truly about.
479
00:20:21,010 --> 00:20:23,340
Les Fisker, huh?
[APPLAUSE]
480
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,140
One lucky man,
right there. You are.
481
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:26,760
You're lucky enough
to have a banquet.
482
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,390
I'll tell you what you're
not lucky enough to have
483
00:20:28,430 --> 00:20:31,310
is a bladder that empties
in under 20 minutes.
484
00:20:31,350 --> 00:20:34,980
I lost a vacation day
waitin' for this guy to finish.
485
00:20:35,020 --> 00:20:36,650
[SILENCE]
486
00:20:36,690 --> 00:20:39,530
I mean it, man,
maybe you ought to
pull into a Jiffy Lube
487
00:20:39,570 --> 00:20:42,570
and have 'em put you up
on the rack, you know?
488
00:20:42,610 --> 00:20:44,280
[ONLY DOUG LAUGHING]
489
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:45,780
Seriously, you know?
490
00:20:45,820 --> 00:20:47,160
Doug.
Yeah?
491
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,790
Les had his prostate
removed.
492
00:20:49,830 --> 00:20:53,040
What?
Cancer.
493
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,340
Cancer, huh?
494
00:20:57,380 --> 00:20:58,960
Ah...
495
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,590
Boy, that cancer's wild,
isn't it?
496
00:21:25,990 --> 00:21:28,240
All right, let's see
what we got here.
497
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:29,330
[CLEARS THROAT]
498
00:21:29,370 --> 00:21:30,990
"Dear Mr. Fisker,
499
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:34,460
"thank you again for
being such a good sport
about the roast.
500
00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:36,580
"As you said, what kind
of world would it be
501
00:21:36,620 --> 00:21:38,500
"if we couldn't laugh
at ourselves.
502
00:21:38,540 --> 00:21:40,170
"By the way,
working the night shift
503
00:21:40,210 --> 00:21:44,130
has turned out to be
a nice change of pace
after all."
504
00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:48,800
It needs a joke.
505
00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:55,640
[**]
36198
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