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1
00:00:02,500 --> 00:00:05,330
[**]
2
00:00:06,630 --> 00:00:07,750
Hey there.
3
00:00:07,790 --> 00:00:09,170
Hey, sweetie,
how was work?
4
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:11,050
Well, let's just say
that a lot of packages
5
00:00:11,090 --> 00:00:13,010
are in different places
than they were this morning.
6
00:00:13,050 --> 00:00:14,550
It's what I do.
7
00:00:15,340 --> 00:00:16,890
Hi. What do you
got there?
8
00:00:16,930 --> 00:00:20,680
CD. Apparently
Bon Jovi is back.
9
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:22,020
Hmm...
10
00:00:22,060 --> 00:00:23,810
Oh, he looks cute.
11
00:00:23,850 --> 00:00:25,690
I'd still do him.
12
00:00:26,940 --> 00:00:29,520
-Put it on.
-You got it. Comin' up.
13
00:00:50,590 --> 00:00:52,050
Just pull the tab.
14
00:00:52,090 --> 00:00:53,380
I don't--
I don't see a tab.
15
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:55,130
Well, there's a tab--
that red plastic thing.
16
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,590
OK, that's not on this,
that's on gum.
17
00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:01,890
Here we go.
Here we go.
18
00:01:01,930 --> 00:01:04,060
There we go.
19
00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:05,690
Yeah.
20
00:01:06,940 --> 00:01:08,770
A little Jovi, comin' up.
21
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:14,900
Honey, you know, give me
something sharp, now.
22
00:01:14,940 --> 00:01:18,110
Here. I just got
some new scissors.
23
00:01:23,410 --> 00:01:26,410
* My eyesare gettin' weary *
24
00:01:26,460 --> 00:01:29,040
* My back is gettin' tight *
25
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:30,670
* I'm sittin' herein traffic *
26
00:01:30,710 --> 00:01:33,670
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight *
27
00:01:33,710 --> 00:01:39,470
* But I don't care,'cause all I want to do *
28
00:01:39,510 --> 00:01:43,310
* Is cash my check and driveright home to you *
29
00:01:45,140 --> 00:01:46,690
* 'Cause, baby,all my life *
30
00:01:46,730 --> 00:01:50,440
* I will be drivin' hometo you *
31
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,030
Here you go, darling.
32
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,240
I finished the book
you loaned me.
33
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:06,620
Tuesdays with Morrie.
34
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,000
Dad, I didn't
loan this to you.
35
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:11,040
I bought this for
someone as a gift.
36
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:15,050
That might explain why
it was in your drawer in a bag.
37
00:02:15,090 --> 00:02:17,590
Oh, well, there it is,
good as new. Wrap it up.
38
00:02:17,630 --> 00:02:19,510
There are pages
ripped out.
39
00:02:19,550 --> 00:02:21,800
Well, I'm sorry.
I was aggravated.
40
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:24,180
Morrie's dying and
this young man visits him,
41
00:02:24,220 --> 00:02:27,480
brings him food, tucks
a blanket under his legs,
42
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:28,730
writes down
all his insights--
43
00:02:28,770 --> 00:02:31,560
Made my stomach turn!
44
00:02:32,230 --> 00:02:33,770
Why?
45
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,320
I've mentored many
young men in my time.
46
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:37,530
Not a single one
has come by
47
00:02:37,570 --> 00:02:40,740
to chronicle my wisdom.
Not one!
48
00:02:40,780 --> 00:02:42,530
Who have you mentored?
49
00:02:42,570 --> 00:02:43,830
Many young men!
50
00:02:43,870 --> 00:02:45,290
OK, got it.
Take a step back.
51
00:02:45,330 --> 00:02:46,830
There you go.
52
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,540
Darling, I had an idea.
53
00:02:49,580 --> 00:02:52,290
How would you like to
jot down my musings on life?
54
00:02:52,330 --> 00:02:54,090
Any interest?
55
00:02:55,090 --> 00:02:58,010
Uh, sounds more
like a Doug thing.
56
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,050
Hello.
57
00:03:01,090 --> 00:03:02,430
Hey.
Hi.
58
00:03:02,470 --> 00:03:05,890
Douglas, how would you like
to chronicle my life?
59
00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:09,060
What?
60
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:10,770
Chronicle my life!
61
00:03:10,810 --> 00:03:13,270
Come on, haven't I mentored
you, taken you under my wing,
62
00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:17,610
taught you a few things about
the world and its peoples?
63
00:03:19,490 --> 00:03:22,280
Mmm...
no, not really.
64
00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:24,990
I see. Well,
obviously I've been
65
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:28,040
casting my pearls
before swine.
66
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,080
Uh, good day, and
I'll see you both in hell.
67
00:03:33,830 --> 00:03:35,960
So, how was work?
68
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,710
Good. Today at lunch
I nailed down
the difference
69
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,760
between pastrami
and corned beef.
70
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,010
One makes me
go like this...
71
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,930
The other one,
like this...
72
00:03:50,850 --> 00:03:53,650
Once again,
question was,
how was work?
73
00:03:53,690 --> 00:03:54,810
It was busy. Busy.
74
00:03:54,850 --> 00:03:55,980
Kew Gardens branch
was down today,
75
00:03:56,020 --> 00:03:57,570
they routed everything
through us.
76
00:03:57,610 --> 00:03:58,610
Oh.
77
00:03:58,650 --> 00:03:59,730
That's no big deal,
though.
78
00:03:59,780 --> 00:04:00,940
The new kid, Rico,
I'm working with,
79
00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:02,110
really came through.
He was like,
80
00:04:02,150 --> 00:04:03,490
[LATIN ACCENT]
"Hey, that's no problem.
81
00:04:03,530 --> 00:04:06,160
We just double up,
Jack. Push it, baby."
82
00:04:07,370 --> 00:04:08,700
Is that the way
he talks?
83
00:04:08,740 --> 00:04:10,120
Yeah, he's got
that accent, you know?
84
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:11,790
[IMITATES RICO]
"Hey, Jack,
how you doing?"
85
00:04:11,830 --> 00:04:14,040
He calls everybody
Jack.
86
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:15,630
I wish I had
a little thing,
87
00:04:15,670 --> 00:04:17,670
a little signature way
of talking.
88
00:04:17,710 --> 00:04:19,130
You kinda do.
89
00:04:19,170 --> 00:04:20,050
Really?
90
00:04:20,090 --> 00:04:21,720
Yeah. You know,
like when you--
91
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:23,260
You extend words
for no reason,
92
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:26,720
like--like
this would be
an on-ion-nion.
93
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:33,480
Yeah, I guess
I do have that.
94
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,980
It's not cool,
though, you know?
95
00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:38,020
[IMITATES RICO] "Hey,
what's for dinner, Jack?"
96
00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:39,980
We're looking
at spaghetti.
97
00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:42,150
Oh, yeah.
Give me a taste, baby.
98
00:04:42,190 --> 00:04:43,820
OK, coming at ya.
99
00:04:43,860 --> 00:04:45,450
Yeah, feed me
the pasta, feed me.
100
00:04:45,490 --> 00:04:47,530
Come on, come on, give it--
Give it to me, yeah--
101
00:04:47,570 --> 00:04:49,740
[NORMAL VOICE]
Aah, my God, that's hot!
102
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:54,500
[MODEM RINGS]
103
00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:56,080
Hey, whatcha doing?
104
00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:58,540
Paying our bills
online.
105
00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:01,050
[MODEM CONNECTING]
106
00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:07,180
And you think with
all the technology we have,
107
00:05:07,220 --> 00:05:09,430
they can come up
with a better sound than...
108
00:05:09,470 --> 00:05:12,100
[IMITATING MODEM]
109
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,270
Hey, hey!
It's annoying, OK?
110
00:05:19,310 --> 00:05:20,690
So, come on, why don't you
leave your bills behind
111
00:05:20,730 --> 00:05:22,860
and get reacquainted
with my UnderDougie?
112
00:05:22,900 --> 00:05:24,900
No, no, no, come on.
No, no, no, come on.
113
00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:26,450
I gotta do this.
I gotta do this.
114
00:05:26,490 --> 00:05:28,030
Hey, come on.
115
00:05:28,070 --> 00:05:30,120
Hey, didn't you
vow to obey me
in our wedding?
116
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:32,870
Obey me.
Obey me, wife.
Obey me.
117
00:05:32,910 --> 00:05:34,540
Doug, stop it!
118
00:05:34,580 --> 00:05:38,210
Come on, we cut that obey stuff
out when we wrote our own vows.
119
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:40,460
Actually,
I snuck it back in quietly.
120
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:41,710
I was, I was like,
121
00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:43,130
[QUIETLY]
"Obey me."
122
00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:45,340
Look, if I don't
get these paid
by tomorrow,
123
00:05:45,380 --> 00:05:48,260
the power company
is gonna turn
our lights off.
124
00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:51,180
[IMITATES RICO]
That's OK, baby. We just
make love in the dark.
125
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:54,220
You know dat's the way
it's supposed to be,
you know?
126
00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:56,600
Mmm. You like doing it
in the dark, Rico?
127
00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,190
[IMITATES RICO]
Oh, yeah, baby,
128
00:05:58,230 --> 00:06:00,060
so why don't you
say good night
to the world wide web
129
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:03,820
and let Rico
connect you, eh?
130
00:06:04,650 --> 00:06:06,570
You think
you got it in you?
131
00:06:06,610 --> 00:06:07,990
You know I do.
132
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,830
Show me what ya got.
133
00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:17,250
[ALARM BEEPING]
134
00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:21,920
Horrible beeping noise
must be stopped.
135
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,000
[ALARM STOPS]
136
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:27,300
Must snuggle with
bear-like husband.
137
00:06:30,010 --> 00:06:32,850
Pretty
wiped out, huh?
138
00:06:32,890 --> 00:06:38,440
Yeah. Tend to
have that effect
on the ladies.
139
00:06:44,940 --> 00:06:48,240
Well, hello!
I didn't hear
you come in,
140
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,320
Mr. Morning Sex.
141
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,120
Doug?
142
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,370
Yeah?
143
00:06:55,410 --> 00:06:57,120
Do Rico.
144
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,500
What?
145
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,840
The voice. Do Rico.
146
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,630
Uh...
147
00:07:09,670 --> 00:07:12,010
[IMITATES RICO]
Okay, so...
148
00:07:12,050 --> 00:07:14,800
you want to dance
the samba in the air,
149
00:07:14,850 --> 00:07:15,890
in May, baby?
150
00:07:15,930 --> 00:07:17,140
Mm-hmm, yeah.
151
00:07:17,180 --> 00:07:18,810
That's
the early bird special.
152
00:07:18,850 --> 00:07:21,980
That's gonna cost you.
Mmm...
153
00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:24,940
ARTHUR: Frankie Johnson?
154
00:07:24,980 --> 00:07:27,190
Arthur Spooner. Remember me?
155
00:07:27,230 --> 00:07:31,360
I filled in for your archery
instructor at Camp Wigwam.
156
00:07:33,740 --> 00:07:36,870
Oh, for God's sakes,
I mentored you!
157
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,870
Fine! See you in hell!
158
00:07:41,710 --> 00:07:43,420
[DOORBELL RINGS]
159
00:07:43,460 --> 00:07:45,170
[SIGHS] Who is it?
160
00:07:45,210 --> 00:07:46,420
MAN:
A Taste of Bombay!
161
00:07:46,460 --> 00:07:48,210
Oh, terrific!
162
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,170
Hi there.
163
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:53,800
Hello. You have
the Maknitika Chicken,
164
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,050
Palak Paneer,
and a lemonade.
165
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:58,640
That's 14.82, sir.
166
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,270
Let me
get some cash.
167
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,440
Come in. Come in.
168
00:08:11,990 --> 00:08:14,450
Son, how far do you
and I go back?
169
00:08:14,490 --> 00:08:15,870
What is it,
2, 3 years?
170
00:08:15,910 --> 00:08:17,780
I don't know.
171
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:19,700
Remember
that time I ordered
172
00:08:19,740 --> 00:08:22,370
the Tandoori Lamb
from you?
173
00:08:22,410 --> 00:08:24,500
Oh, that was fun.
174
00:08:25,670 --> 00:08:27,420
What was your name
again?
175
00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:29,590
Sanjib.
Sinbad?
176
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:34,630
Sanjib.
Sandjob?
177
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:38,350
Sanjib. Look,
I have a lot of
other orders in the car,
178
00:08:38,390 --> 00:08:40,970
so if you could
please pay me,
I would appreciate it.
179
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,430
Oh, yes.
I'll get to that,
180
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:45,230
but first,
I have a few things
I'd like to tell you
181
00:08:45,270 --> 00:08:47,020
about the way
things work
182
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,770
in this crazy place
183
00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:51,400
we call
Planet Earth.
184
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:55,110
Hit record and play
at the same time.
185
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,990
Boop-boop.
186
00:09:00,490 --> 00:09:03,160
Dead end package.
187
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,580
You know, if your owner
really wanted you,
188
00:09:04,620 --> 00:09:06,080
he might've been home
one of the three times
189
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,080
I tried to deliver you.
190
00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:09,750
It's a crime at the way
people don't wait at home
191
00:09:09,790 --> 00:09:10,750
for their packages anymore.
192
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,420
It really is.
So, uh...
193
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,760
You were a little late
this morning, what was up?
194
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,180
Uh, nothin'.
195
00:09:17,220 --> 00:09:20,260
Carrie and I just got into
a little morning action.
196
00:09:21,180 --> 00:09:23,270
Morning action.
Nice work.
197
00:09:23,310 --> 00:09:25,230
Yeah, it's no big deal.
198
00:09:25,270 --> 00:09:28,400
No big deal?
Didn't you once call morning sex
199
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,360
the best thing in the world
that doesn't have cheese on it?
200
00:09:32,730 --> 00:09:35,990
Ah, I mean, it was good,
it was just that, uh...
201
00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:37,910
I don't know.
202
00:09:37,950 --> 00:09:40,410
Do you, uh,
think this is weird?
203
00:09:40,450 --> 00:09:42,660
Last night,
I was trying to get
Carrie in the mood,
204
00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:47,290
so I, uh...
I did a voice.
205
00:09:48,710 --> 00:09:49,670
A voice?
206
00:09:49,710 --> 00:09:50,960
Yeah.
207
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:54,340
What,
like Bugs Bunny?
208
00:09:58,050 --> 00:10:00,050
No. I did the voice
of the new guy.
209
00:10:00,390 --> 00:10:01,510
Who?
210
00:10:01,550 --> 00:10:02,560
Rico?
Yeah.
211
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,180
Sort of
turned her on
a little, too.
212
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,430
Then
this morning,
213
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,060
she asked me to
do Rico again.
214
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,190
Think that's
a bad sign?
215
00:10:13,020 --> 00:10:15,190
Do the voice for me.
216
00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:18,070
I'm not
doing the voice.
217
00:10:18,110 --> 00:10:19,450
I'm just asking you
218
00:10:19,490 --> 00:10:20,660
do you think it's
bad that Carrie's
kind of, like,
219
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:22,030
I don't know,
into Rico?
220
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,450
Does it mean
that I'm slipping?
221
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:25,870
That maybe me alone
doesn't turn her on
anymore?
222
00:10:25,910 --> 00:10:27,410
Well, I mean,
has she ever even met Rico?
223
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,370
No, but
I think she's
rolling the dice
224
00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:30,960
that young,
Latino stud
225
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,540
might be
a little bit more
of a turn-on
226
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:36,130
than big ass
who's always there,
always!
227
00:10:37,050 --> 00:10:39,880
Yeah. I see your point.
I knew it!
228
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:41,340
Come on, man!
I think it's fine.
229
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:42,680
Look, you've been
married for a while.
230
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:44,850
These things happen.
You get creative.
231
00:10:44,890 --> 00:10:45,930
Don't worry about it.
232
00:10:45,970 --> 00:10:48,600
You, uh...
You do voices?
233
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:51,060
No.
234
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:53,270
I do wear a bandana.
235
00:10:53,310 --> 00:10:55,190
Really? Now, are you
playing a character
236
00:10:55,230 --> 00:10:56,690
when you wear
that bandana?
237
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:58,240
Hmm, I guess not.
238
00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,280
So that's still you.
239
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:02,700
Well, it's "bad" me.
240
00:11:02,740 --> 00:11:04,910
See, that
wasn't me at all
in bed last night.
241
00:11:04,950 --> 00:11:06,040
Just do
the voice for me.
242
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:07,080
I'm not
doing the voice!
243
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:08,200
I just want
to feel the magic.
244
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:09,330
You know what
he sounds like.
245
00:11:09,370 --> 00:11:10,750
Yeah, but
not talking sexy.
246
00:11:10,790 --> 00:11:12,080
Come on.
Do the voice.
247
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,750
Put on the bandana.
248
00:11:15,050 --> 00:11:16,960
Hey, Rico.
Come here for a second.
249
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,380
Hey. What's up, Jack?
250
00:11:19,420 --> 00:11:21,090
Not too much, man.
Listen, um...
251
00:11:21,130 --> 00:11:23,260
Doug and I were
just trying to remember
the words to that, uh,
252
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:25,220
George Michael song,
253
00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:26,470
I Want Your Sex.
254
00:11:26,510 --> 00:11:28,430
Um, remember
how that goes?
255
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:29,730
Yeah, I think
it's something like,
256
00:11:29,770 --> 00:11:31,230
um...
257
00:11:31,270 --> 00:11:34,190
"Sex is natural,
sex is fun...
Yeah?
258
00:11:34,230 --> 00:11:39,240
Sex is best
when it's one on one."
259
00:11:40,110 --> 00:11:41,490
That's right.
260
00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:43,490
Thanks.
261
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,160
OK...
262
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,410
that got me
a little hot.
263
00:11:58,590 --> 00:12:02,050
What have you
brought me
today, son?
264
00:12:02,090 --> 00:12:04,510
What you ordered.
265
00:12:06,930 --> 00:12:08,720
That was very
kind of you.
266
00:12:09,850 --> 00:12:13,520
Could you tuck
this blanket
under my feet?
267
00:12:23,030 --> 00:12:24,320
Thank you.
268
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,030
So, that's 13.28.
269
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,280
Right, right.
270
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:30,750
Sit for a moment,
would you?
271
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,500
Sanjib...
272
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,340
do you see this glass
as half empty...
273
00:12:42,380 --> 00:12:44,720
or half full?
274
00:12:45,510 --> 00:12:46,640
Half full.
275
00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:49,180
OK, so you know
that one.
276
00:12:50,930 --> 00:12:53,560
Dad, would you
just pay the guy
and let him leave?
277
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:54,770
In a minute.
278
00:12:54,810 --> 00:12:57,440
And stop ordering
Indian food.
279
00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,320
It's stinkin' up
the fridge.
280
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:01,780
No offense.
281
00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:06,870
Hey, sweetie.
282
00:13:06,910 --> 00:13:07,620
Hi.
283
00:13:07,660 --> 00:13:09,700
Oh,N.Y.P.D. Blue.
284
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:11,700
I miss Jimmy Smits,
285
00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:13,290
but good
for Rick Schroeder,
286
00:13:13,330 --> 00:13:14,410
you know
what I'm saying?
287
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,580
Yeah, yeah.
Good for him.
288
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,720
Have I told you how much
I love you today?
289
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,300
Oh, honey,
that's sweet.
290
00:13:26,340 --> 00:13:28,680
I love you, too.
291
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,350
So you, uh,
292
00:13:32,390 --> 00:13:33,350
you wanna...
293
00:13:33,390 --> 00:13:34,680
hmm?
294
00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:36,060
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
295
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:38,270
Let's just finish
watching the show first.
296
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,280
[IMITATES RICO]
Come on, baby.
Let's do it now.
297
00:13:48,990 --> 00:13:50,870
Oh, Rico...
298
00:13:50,910 --> 00:13:52,790
you want me
to turn the TV off?
299
00:13:52,830 --> 00:13:54,410
[IMITATES RICO]
Yes.
300
00:13:54,450 --> 00:13:57,420
Well, OK.
301
00:13:57,460 --> 00:13:58,580
[TV CLICKS OFF]
302
00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:01,630
Here I am,
you big Latin stud.
303
00:14:01,670 --> 00:14:03,960
All right, that's it!
304
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,090
What?
305
00:14:05,130 --> 00:14:06,420
You wouldn't turn off
the TV for me,
306
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:07,470
but you sure
turned it off
307
00:14:07,510 --> 00:14:08,550
for Rico,
didn't you?
308
00:14:08,590 --> 00:14:09,930
What are you
talking about?
309
00:14:09,970 --> 00:14:11,680
Oh, nothing. Just
that you're more
attracted to him
310
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:12,850
than you are to me.
311
00:14:12,890 --> 00:14:14,390
Doug,
I don't know Rico.
312
00:14:14,430 --> 00:14:15,730
I've never
even met him.
313
00:14:15,770 --> 00:14:17,600
Oh, you know him.
314
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,400
What does that mean?
315
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:20,560
I don't know.
All I know is,
316
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:21,610
Doug plays
with your hair,
317
00:14:21,650 --> 00:14:22,610
nothing.
318
00:14:22,650 --> 00:14:23,780
Rico does, bingo.
319
00:14:23,820 --> 00:14:26,570
Or should I say,
el bingo?!
320
00:14:26,610 --> 00:14:28,660
Let me get this straight.
321
00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:31,780
You are jealous of a guy
that I've never met
322
00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:33,790
that is actually you.
323
00:14:33,830 --> 00:14:34,910
No, I'm jealous of Rico!
324
00:14:34,950 --> 00:14:36,580
You are Rico,
you idiot!
325
00:14:36,620 --> 00:14:37,870
No, I don't go around
calling people "Jack."
326
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:40,290
I'm the
"on-i-on-i-on" guy.
327
00:14:41,170 --> 00:14:42,500
And that,
to my recollection,
328
00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:43,630
has never gotten
your middle third
329
00:14:43,670 --> 00:14:45,840
singin'Sweet Virginia.
330
00:14:47,170 --> 00:14:48,550
Admit it, Carrie.
331
00:14:48,590 --> 00:14:50,590
Another man's voice
is turning you on.
332
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,930
Maybe I am turned on
by the fact
333
00:14:52,970 --> 00:14:54,470
that you are such
a talented mimic.
334
00:14:54,510 --> 00:14:56,140
You ever
think of that?
335
00:14:56,180 --> 00:14:57,810
Oh, is that it?
Well, then let's get
Rich Little in here.
336
00:14:57,850 --> 00:14:59,980
We'll have an orgy.
337
00:15:02,020 --> 00:15:03,820
Is this what I'm like
when I get my period?
338
00:15:03,860 --> 00:15:07,740
Because if it is,
I am very, very sorry.
339
00:15:09,030 --> 00:15:11,240
You know what?
It's fine. It's fine.
340
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,030
It really is,
it really is, you know?
341
00:15:13,070 --> 00:15:15,950
I just--I guess we've
reached that phase
in our relationship
342
00:15:15,990 --> 00:15:18,750
where I need to do
other people's voices
343
00:15:18,790 --> 00:15:20,710
to turn you on.
344
00:15:20,750 --> 00:15:22,250
So, what
are you saying?
345
00:15:22,290 --> 00:15:24,130
You're saying that you have
never thought of anyone else
346
00:15:24,170 --> 00:15:25,960
when we're in bed
together? Is that
what you're saying?
347
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,670
Just the fact that
you're asking me that
348
00:15:27,710 --> 00:15:28,840
means you thought
about Rico.
349
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,340
Just answer
my question.
350
00:15:30,380 --> 00:15:33,010
Have you ever thought
of anyone else?
351
00:15:33,050 --> 00:15:34,510
I've...
352
00:15:34,550 --> 00:15:36,180
shuffled through
a few images,
353
00:15:36,220 --> 00:15:38,350
but then retreated
out of guilt.
354
00:15:38,390 --> 00:15:39,810
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
355
00:15:39,850 --> 00:15:42,190
So other peoplehave
crossed your mind.
356
00:15:42,230 --> 00:15:43,810
Maybe, but
the only person
I thought of
357
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:45,690
for more than
a few seconds
was Don Zimmer,
358
00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:50,200
and that was
just to pull in
the reins a little.
359
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,570
Whatever. Look,
this is so crazy.
360
00:15:52,610 --> 00:15:53,910
It's just a stupid
little accent
361
00:15:53,950 --> 00:15:55,160
you started doing,
362
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,790
and now for some reason
you're mad at me.
363
00:15:56,830 --> 00:15:59,200
I am begging you.
Can we let this go?
364
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,910
Fine. You know what?
I'm going to grab a beer.
365
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,210
Why don't you
give me a jingle
when you're ready
366
00:16:02,250 --> 00:16:04,040
to have sex with
Doug Heffernan again!
367
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,090
Oh, yeah?
Well, why don't you
give me a jingle
368
00:16:06,130 --> 00:16:09,170
when you stop fantasizing
about Don Zimmer?
369
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,090
SANJIB [ON TAPE]:
I'm sorry, but I reallyjust have to be going.
370
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,720
ARTHUR [ON TAPE]:
Oh, yes.
371
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,720
We're allcoming and going.
372
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,560
Only the manwho makes peacewith that
373
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:21,770
can truly be free.
374
00:16:21,810 --> 00:16:24,400
More curry?
375
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,690
[DOORBELL RINGS]
376
00:16:26,730 --> 00:16:28,190
[RING]
377
00:16:28,230 --> 00:16:30,030
Coming!
378
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:38,030
Leave my son alone!
379
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,660
What?
380
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:42,660
He does not wish
to chronicle your wisdom...
381
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:44,500
but thank you
for your business.
382
00:16:44,540 --> 00:16:47,630
Here's your food.
That's 11.95.
383
00:16:47,670 --> 00:16:50,630
All right.
Here's your money.
384
00:16:50,670 --> 00:16:53,170
You know,
people often ask me,
385
00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:55,640
"Why is there so much
anger all around us?"
386
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,850
And I say--
Ba-dup!
387
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,100
Oh, strong
to the hoop!
388
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,770
Oh, that's the answer,
that's the answer.
389
00:17:07,810 --> 00:17:09,570
It's 10-8, 10-8.
390
00:17:09,610 --> 00:17:11,690
Hey, by the way,
thanks for the tip.
391
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:12,780
What do you mean?
392
00:17:12,820 --> 00:17:14,240
I tried Rico's voice
last night.
393
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,280
Kelly liked it so much
that after we were done,
394
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:19,700
she got out of bed
and made me
a grilled cheese.
395
00:17:19,740 --> 00:17:21,290
[HORN HONKING]
396
00:17:21,330 --> 00:17:22,830
Hey, Carrie's here.
397
00:17:22,870 --> 00:17:24,210
Really?
398
00:17:24,250 --> 00:17:25,120
Hey, big guy!
399
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:26,420
Can I talk to you
for a minute?
400
00:17:26,460 --> 00:17:27,670
Oh, this is perfect,
401
00:17:27,710 --> 00:17:30,090
just when
he's glistening.
402
00:17:30,130 --> 00:17:32,010
Sub!
403
00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:34,920
Hey, how did
you know I was here?
404
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:36,130
Your dispatcher told me
405
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:37,470
you guys were playing
some ball. Listen...
406
00:17:37,510 --> 00:17:38,970
I--I felt really bad
about our fight
last night--
407
00:17:39,010 --> 00:17:40,680
And you know what?
No big deal, OK?
408
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,470
Just, uh,
see ya later, OK?
Bye-bye.
409
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:43,980
Buckle up for
safety--for safety.
N-no!
410
00:17:44,020 --> 00:17:45,690
No, honey, honey,
it is a big deal, OK?
411
00:17:45,730 --> 00:17:47,480
If your feelings
were hurt,
412
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,980
and you were still thinking
about it this morning,
that's bad.
413
00:17:50,020 --> 00:17:51,900
Now, I don't want
to get into who's right
or who's wrong,
414
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:54,280
the point is,
this has nothing
to do with Rico.
415
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,610
I love you,
and that's it.
416
00:17:56,650 --> 00:17:57,820
Love me. Got it. OK.
417
00:17:57,860 --> 00:17:59,070
All right, honey,
I love you.
418
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:02,200
I'll see you at home.
All right. Bye-bye.
419
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,160
Thank you.
420
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:07,830
RICO: Hey, where
you going, Jack?
421
00:18:07,870 --> 00:18:11,840
You liked his voice,
now welcome to his face.
422
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,340
Is that
what you're all...
423
00:18:14,380 --> 00:18:17,300
worked up about?
Pfft! I gotta
tell you, honey,
424
00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:19,340
if I passed him
on the street...
425
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:20,510
nothing.
426
00:18:20,550 --> 00:18:21,850
Then why haven't
you blinked?
427
00:18:21,890 --> 00:18:23,810
I'm going.
428
00:18:23,850 --> 00:18:26,430
Hey, you're not
leaving, are you, Jack?
429
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,350
Uh, no, no, no. Uh...
430
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,980
Rico, this is,
uh, my wife Carrie.
431
00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:33,610
Hello, how you doing?
432
00:18:33,650 --> 00:18:37,320
She's doing good.
You're doing
really good, right?
433
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,530
This is my girlfriend
Francesca.
434
00:18:40,570 --> 00:18:42,870
Mmm, very nice
to meet you.
435
00:18:42,910 --> 00:18:43,790
I love
your sweater.
436
00:18:43,830 --> 00:18:45,120
Oh.
Yeah, well,
437
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:46,200
Carrie's just
leaving now, right?
Yeah.
438
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,000
Oh, I was
just leaving.
439
00:18:49,250 --> 00:18:52,000
Drive away, honey.
Drive away.
OK.
440
00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:04,970
Come on, Doug.
Can't we get past this?
441
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:08,270
Don't you want
to "Dougercise" me?
442
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:11,060
Something?
443
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:13,980
I can't.
You'll just think
about Rico, and...
444
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:16,440
I can't imitate
that body.
445
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,160
Why does this
have to be a bad thing?
446
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,450
I mean,
maybe this is like
447
00:19:23,490 --> 00:19:25,790
a new phase
for us, you know?
We role-play.
448
00:19:25,830 --> 00:19:27,040
It could be fun.
449
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,540
What do you mean?
450
00:19:29,580 --> 00:19:32,830
[IMITATES FRANCESCA]
Doug, I'm Francesca,
451
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,710
Rico's
adorable girlfriend.
452
00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:38,510
I'm very sexy
and very Italian
453
00:19:38,550 --> 00:19:42,430
and very hopeful
that you will
come out to play.
454
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,970
What the hell have
you been drinking?
455
00:19:49,430 --> 00:19:53,810
Well, I think
you might like
a little action, too,
456
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:56,610
and not Don Zimmer's.
457
00:19:57,820 --> 00:19:59,110
[IMITATES FRANCESCA]
So, Doug...
458
00:19:59,150 --> 00:20:03,110
you like it, come on.
Say you like it, Dougie.
459
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,330
Mmm.
I'm not hating it.
460
00:20:08,330 --> 00:20:12,040
You would,
uh, do Francesca
during...mmm?
461
00:20:13,290 --> 00:20:16,420
Of course. I'll do anything
for you, Doug. I love you.
462
00:20:16,460 --> 00:20:17,800
[IMITATES FRANCESCA]
So, Doug,
463
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,630
you want a little-a
Italian gelato?
464
00:20:20,670 --> 00:20:21,630
What flavor?
465
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:22,930
Spumoni.
466
00:20:22,970 --> 00:20:25,140
What's that?
467
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:27,470
It's got...
468
00:20:27,510 --> 00:20:29,020
fruit...
469
00:20:29,060 --> 00:20:31,520
and nuts and candy.
470
00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:35,020
OK, now I actually
want gelato...
471
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:42,150
...but I can
get that later.
OK.
472
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,570
[IMITATES RICO]
So, Francesca,
473
00:20:44,610 --> 00:20:47,490
are you ready
for some hot, Latin
love, eh, baby?
474
00:20:47,530 --> 00:20:49,580
[IMITATES FRANCESCA]
I'm ready, Rico.
475
00:20:49,620 --> 00:20:54,750
Mmm.
Mmm. You are a big,
sexy Latino stud.
476
00:20:54,790 --> 00:20:57,420
Oh, that's-a
right, Jack!
477
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,710
[TOILET FLUSHES]
478
00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:03,340
What was that?
479
00:21:03,380 --> 00:21:07,180
The toilet won't-a
stop flushing again!
480
00:21:07,220 --> 00:21:10,560
You know,
it kind of smells.
481
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,310
I'll get the plunger.
482
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:22,240
Whoo! Man,
it is great to be them.
483
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,540
ARTHUR: And so,
484
00:21:31,580 --> 00:21:35,080
that is why
I look at this glass
as half full.
485
00:21:36,620 --> 00:21:38,670
Write that down.
486
00:21:38,710 --> 00:21:40,590
I'm not gonna
write it down.
487
00:21:40,630 --> 00:21:42,920
You're supposed
to be chronicling
my wisdom.
488
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,630
I'm not going
to chronicle your wisdom.
489
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,390
You chronicle
my wisdom.
490
00:21:50,430 --> 00:21:52,220
Your wisdom
is stupid.
491
00:21:52,270 --> 00:21:58,150
Oh, what?
The glass is half full.
Oh, that's genius.
492
00:21:59,270 --> 00:22:00,610
So, that's
how it's gonna be?
493
00:22:00,650 --> 00:22:02,110
Well, chronicle this--
494
00:22:02,150 --> 00:22:04,110
I'll see you in hell!
495
00:22:06,820 --> 00:22:10,490
[**]
34453
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