All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2000) - S02E25 - Whine Country_track3_[eng]

I'll pay you $5 if you eat that.

-What?
-The cheese you just dropped.

Eat it and earn yourself
5 smackaroos.

No, thanks.

-Ten.
-No.

Twenty?

Doug, we have the same
bank account.

If I wanna get $20 from you,
I'll go to the ATM.

I don't need to eat
dirty cheese.

True, but I got a 20 right here.

You can have it right now.
Buy yourself a new brassiere.

Awful tempting, but still a no.

Will you give me 20 if I eat it?

No.

-Ten?
-No.

-Five?
-Doug!

That's a bargain.

You're not gonna find anybody to
eat dirty cheese for under $5.

I don't care.

I have no desire to pay or
be paid to eat dirty cheese.

You take no joy in life, do you?

SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I wanna do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

You trying to see my
combination?

No, I was just looking
at the, uh--

What is it? Ten, two, 38?

You were looking.
And by the way, you're wrong.

-Ten, three, 35?
-Nope.

Come on, give it up.
I thought we were friends.

Okay, fine, it's seven,
eight, 53.

Don't insult my intelligence.

-Come on, you ready?
-Just one second.

-I want to talk to Roger first.
-Why?

I want to see if I can switch
vacation time with him

so mine matches up
with Carrie's.

Hey, Roger, did you
happen to have a chance

to talk to your wife
about the vacation thing?

Oh, yeah. You can
have the time.

My wife and I are
actually splitting up.

Oh, man, that's--
that's rough.

That's really, uh-- So that's
the 8th to the 22nd, right?

Yeah.

Man. Anyway, sorry
to hear about that.

It's brutal stuff,
you know. Stay strong.

All right, how long before
I can start celebrating?

-And...he's around the corner.
-Hai-tika-ti!

So where you guys
taking your vacation?

I don't know.
We haven't decided yet.

All I know is we're
going on va-ca-tion,

'cause Roger's wife's
saying, "Bye-bye, loser."

Not you.
Different Roger.

Great R.V.

Thanks. It's
a Roadbird Freedom 5000.

W-where you headed?

Oh, wife and I just
drove down from Seattle.

Don't know
where we're going next,

but it doesn't really matter

when you're driving
one of these puppies.

Hey, honey! Fry me up
some Steak-umms, will ya?

You ever been
in one of these?

Best vacation
of my life.

SINGER: *Welcome back
welcome back, welcome back*

*Welcome back,
welcome back...*

MOTHER: Doug, come on,
it's the Grand Canyon.

The sun's about to set.
You're gonna miss it.

Coming!

HORSHACK [OVER TV]:
Ohh, oh, oh, ooh!

Ha ha ha ha.

[HORN HONKS]

Yes.

-Hello, sweetheart.
-Hey, Dad.

Planning a Trip to Paris.

What, are you planning
a trip to Paris?

You nailed it.

Doug and I are going on vacation
in a couple of weeks,

and I found these really cheap
flights on the Internet.

Ah, Paris.
Last time I was there

was when we liberated it
from the Nazis back in '44.

Freedom rang again
in the City of Lights.

I also got the clap,
but that's a story

for another day.

Anyway, as far as
this trip is concerned,

thank you, but I'm going to have
to respectfully decline.

Huh?

Don't be offended.
I'd love to come with you.

It's just that I have
a problem on long flights.

I tend to panic
and sob like a woman.

Okay. Well, if you can't come,
you can't come, Dad.

-Send me a postcard.
-Okay.

-Close your eyes.
-What?

Close this part
of your face now.

Okay. What is it?
What's going on?

-Come on, come on,
just come with me.
-Okay. All right, Doug.

Don't try to feel me up
like you did last time.

Relax, okay. I just picked up
a little something

-on my way home from work.
-Okay.

Okay.

Here we go.

Okay.

Open 'em up and step
into the world

of the Roadbird Freedom 5000.

VIDEO:Do you like
being a slave to the clock,

feeling compelled to follow
a certain schedule?

Or are you
independent minded?

When you see R.V.s
on the road,

do you wonder
where they're going,

where they've been,

and envy
the driver's freedom?

Yes, yes,

and, oh, yeah.

Uh, Doug...

don't think we're goin'
in an R.V. for our vacation.

-Why not?
-Because we are going to Paris!

I found these really cheap
flights on the Internet.

No, no, no, no, no.
R.V. out west.
I got the video.

Okay, maybe
you didn't hear me,

but I said Paris.

You know,
as in Par-is,

the most romantic
friggin' city in the world.

Okay? It's beautiful.

-It's old. It's--
-Okay,

I guess the Grand Canyon
isn't old.

Yeah, yeah.
They just put that in.

All right, Doug,
just--just come here.

Let me show you all the stuff
that I printed out.

Now, we don't
have to stay in Paris.

We could just be based there,
you know,

and just travel around to,
like,

the Wine Country,
the Loire Valley.

I-I'm sorry.
The what valley?

Loire.

Okay, we're going
back to the tape.

No! Come on!

I don't want to see
the tape again.

I don't think you understand
how great this is.

L-look what
this man is doing!

He's driving around
in his living room!

-Uh-huh.
-And his wife

is making him chili. Where?

In the living room!

Okay, Doug. Listen
to me, sweetie.

You're--you're
a good fellow.

I love being married
to you. I do.

Now, that being said,
R.V., N-O.

-Okay. Okay, I see. I see.
-You see what?

You obviously like
being a slave to the clock.

You feel compelled
to follow a certain schedule,

whereas I am
independent minded.

Don't quote
from the video.

I'm not. I just
thought of that.

I'm--I'm not giving in
on this one, Carrie, okay?

I'm not. You got your way
on all our other vacations.

When? When did
I get my way?

2 years ago,
when we went down to Florida.

Yeah, and we spent
the entire time

at the Mets Spring
Training Camp.

Excuse me. That was
research for my gambling.

Oh, please.

Okay, fine. Fine.

What about when
we went to, uh,

-Apple Country, huh?
-But that was a weekend.

Of pure apple hell!

All right, Doug.
Please.

Let's not fight
about this, okay?

-All right. You're right.
-Okay.

I mean, this--
this is our vacation.

We're supposed
to be having fun.

Have fun. Yes.

Let's just
sleep on it.

We'll figure
something out.

-Figure something out?
-I'm screwed, right?

Doesn't look good.

I don't want
to go to Paris.

Can't I just run at her,
tape her mouth shut,

throw her in the R.V.,
and drive off?

-That's not against the law,
right, if you're married, is it?
-It might be. Yeah.

-Hey, you could try
the guilt thing.
-What do you mean?

You know, you come and you say,
"Hey. Let's go
where you want to go.

I want you
to be happy."

She thinks you're
being so sweet,

she'll turn around and
do what you want instead.

I'll try it, man.
I got nothing else.

Paris.

[BAD FRENCH ACCENT]
I'm from Paris. Look at me.

-What accent was that?
-I don't know.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Uh, look,
about the vacation,

I thought about it,
and I realized

you work hard,
and I know this time

is important to you,

so if you want
to go to Paris--

Oh, my God. This is gonna
be so great!

No, no, no.
No Paris, no!

Why did you
just say we can go?

That's nothing you
need to know about.

The important thing is we need
to make a decision here.

-How do you want to decide?
-I don't know, but we have
to decide soon

or we'll never be able
to get plane reservations.

Or?

Or get bug spray
or whatever.

It's obvious neither of us
are gonna budge on this thing,

so how about this? How about--
how about we flip a coin?

Flip a coin? You want to decide
our vacation by flipping a coin?

Yeah. If it's good enough
for the Super Bowl, it's good
enough for the Heffernans.

Okay. Fine. Fine.
Flip a coin.

Here you go.

You want
to flip a penny.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

What? It has 2 sides.

You are such a girl.
Okay.

We're gonna
flip a quarter, okay?

And for
future reference,

this is your smallest
flippable coin.

-Okay, flip it.
-Okay, here we go.
So, uh, let's say

heads, uh, Paris,
tails, R.V.?

-Okay. Okay.
-All right, here we go.
Tails never fails.

Oh. All right,
well...

the important thing is,
we'll have a great
vacation together...

speaking English.

But I will gladly make you
French toast every morning,
'cause I won!

[BAD FRENCH ACCENT]
Touche! No Par-ee, Carrie.

["CHARGE" PLAYS ON CAR HORN]

["ODE TO JOY" PLAYS]

Oh, God.

["OFF TO THE RACES" PLAYS]

DOUG: Climb aboard!

["LA CUCARACHA" PLAYS]

What is this
doing here now?

The guy let me take her home
overnight for a test drive.

["DIXIE" PLAYS]

Okay. Has a lot of horn sounds.
We get it.

Yep. She's got 28 of 'em.

-She?
-That's right, she.

Okay. Unless she has boobies
and a uterus,

that has to stop.

Come on, let me
give you the tour.

All right, then,

you got your driver's
cockpit right here.

That's right--
I said "cockpit".

With a powerful
Triton V-10 engine
humming underneath.

Over here you got
your galley slide-out

with genuine leather
seating surfaces.

Oh--and this is great.

Built-in
25-inch television.

Think of the beauty
of it, Carrie.

If we're not getting
great reception,

we just drive
to wherever it's better.

Oh, and look here.
See this table?

Folds into
an extra bed.

See how that works?
Bed... table.

Bed... table.

Yeah, it's 2 things. I get it.
Okay. Can I ask you a question?

Breaker 1-9.

The lady's
got a question.

10-4.

Where do you go
to the bathroom?

I'm glad you asked,
little missy.

You got your private
rest room quarters

right over here,
conveniently located

right off of
the master bedroom.

See? You got
all your privacy.

Nobody knows
your business.

Hey. I can actually
hear you better now.

All right, what happens
if we use the bathroom

and we're out on the road?

Where does everything...
go?

Well...you ride around with it
for a few days until you find
a place to drain it.

Oh, my God!

You know what would be nice?

If you were remotely
on board with this.

How can I be on board
with this, Doug?

I-it's horrible.

Hey, I won the flip,
all right?

I didn't force you
to flip a coin. You agreed.

But you forced me
to flip a quarter, okay?

I had a good feeling
about that penny.

All I know is if you would have
won the flip, I'd be going to
Paris with a beret and a smile.

Oh, yeah, right.
I can just imagine
what a joy you would have been

when we're standing
in the Louvre

looking at 19th century
impressionist art.

Well, we'll never
know that now, will we?

Now, this is gonna
be fun. You know why?

'Cause that's a table bed,
and that's pretty neat. Yeah!

KELLY: An R.V.?

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Maybe I could drop
something on Doug's foot

so he can't drive
for two weeks.

Don't hurt him too bad.
He drives for a living.

Oh, they'll find him
something.

Where do you even
go to the bathroom
in one of these things?

Into a pail, which is behind
a piece of cardboard.

You gotta keep this
from happening.

I know. I wish there was
some way I could get Doug
off of this.

-Darling.
-Hi, Dad.

Oh, hello, Kelly.

Hello.

You're looking
gorgeous, as usual.

Well, thank you,
Mr. Spooner.

Oh, what a thing
we could have going

if it wasn't for
society's taboos.

Those damn taboos.

R.V. rental agreement.

What, are you agreeing
to rent an R.V.?

Yeah. We're doing that
instead of the Paris trip.

No kidding?

Nothing I love more
than cruisin' the open road.

You think Douglas
would mind if I tagged along?

Actually, um...

he did say something
about a table

turning into a bed?

SINGER:
*You don't know what*

*We can find*

* Why don't you come
with me, little girl *

* On a magic carpet ride *

*You don't know what...*

-[TURNS MUSIC OFF]
-Oh, this is gonna be
a sweet road mix tape.

Are you sure you don't want
to take this?

Spence Olchin's Prom Party
Through the Night mix?

-Pretty sure.
-Hey--

"Sunglasses at Night".

"Too Shy"
by Kajagoogoo.

Oh.

I--I guess you
can't drive to those.

This is a great tape.

Yeah. It worked great
for you on prom night,
didn't it?

It's still a great tape.

Well, I'm fine
with what I got.

I'm gonna be rockin' my way
across the USA.

["SHE'LL BE COMIN' AROUND THE
MOUNTAIN" PLAYING ON HARMONICA]

I'll bet you didn't know
I played the mouth organ,

did you, Douglas?

Okay, first of all,
please don't call it that.

And second of all,
why are you playing it?

'Cause I'm comin'
on the road with you,

you silly
son of a bitch.

If you're willing to learn
to play the spoons,

we can jam all night.

What do you mean, you're coming
on the road with us?

In the R.V.

That was quite generous
of you kids.

I know they can
be cramped quarters.

That's why I'm only
gonna pack this outfit

and a pair of silk underwear
I'll wash out at night.

Uh, will you excuse me?

I have to, uh--

[SHRIEKING]
Carrie!

What'd you do?!
What--what'd you do?!

-What?
-You invited your father!

You--you're trying
to ruin this vacation
out of spite, aren't you?

No. No, no, no,
no, no, no.

He--he overheard me
talking,

and he thought
I was inviting him,

and then
he got so excited,

I just didn't
want to say no.

I don't want your father
in my road bird!

Why not? We got
that great table bed, right?

Yes, we do.

But I don't want
to eat breakfast on a table

that recently
held your father's ass.

That's ass breakfast!

Well, Doug, you know,
we do have another option.

I mean, my father
doesn't like to fly,

so we could go to,
oh, I don't know...

-Paris?
-Oh, ho ho ho ho!

Well, this is a side
of you I've never seen.

-What do you mean?
-What do I mean?

You think that if you invite
your father on the R.V.,

I'll back out, and then
we can go to Paris like you
wanted in the first place.

No. No, no, no.
No, no.

I just thought it would be nice
to have my father with us.

Oh, the lies!

You know what? That's it.

You know what you
just bought yourself?

A trip with your father.

I'm not backing down on
this one.

-That's fine.
-Fine, little sunshine sister,

'cause that's the deal.

And as long as we're inviting
people on vacation,

watch this little ditty.
Spence!

Oh, yeah,
it's gonna happen.

That--that--
that's fine.

That's fine. I--

I like Spence.

You all, uh, packed?

Yep. You?

Yep.

Great.

Excited?

Oh, yeah. Excited.

[BANGING]

SPENCE: Hold it, hold it,
I don't have it.

Move faster. It's heavy.

Dad, what the hell
is that?

I bought a canoe.
I figured, why rent?

It'll pay for itself
after 50 uses.

We don't have room
for a canoe, Arthur.

-I told you!
-Shut up!

If you hadn't been so whiny,
we could have snuck it by them.

Okay, back down.

Oh, man, what the hell
did we do?!

We destroyed our
vacation, that's what.

You know, now that my father
and Spence are coming,

the thought of you and me
alone in an R.V.

sounds like a little
slice of heaven.

What if we bolt right now?
We'll drive through the night.
They'll never find us.

Nah. They'll hear
the engine starting.
They'll run after us like dogs.

Well, we just gotta
bite the bullet

and get this stupid
vacation over with.

No. No,
that is not acceptable, okay?

We got the Roadbird
Freedom 5000

sitting
right outside, okay?

I cannot--
Iwill notlet that dream go.

Spence! Arthur!

Oh, my God.

Let me
handle this, son.

Do you mean to tell me we were
never wanted on this trip?

That we were just pawns
in some twisted little game

of marital chicken?

Dad, it's not like
we don't enjoy

spending time
with the both of you...

here.

Yes. Love you both.

Here.

This is an outrage.

This young man cleared 2 weeks
out of his schedule,

as did I, and this is
a very busy time for me.

Well, Dad,
we are very, very sorry,

but it is our vacation.

Well, it is
our vacation, too.

We have
just as much right

to that gorgeous
motor home as you do!

It would seem that
we are at an impasse.

All right. So how do you
want to settle this?

[TV PLAYING]

Well...

I guess sometimes
tails does fail.

SINGER: *Well, you don't know
what we could find*

*Why don't you come
with me, little girl*

*On a magic carpet ride*

HILLBILLY: Hey, Clem,
check out that old man

and that funny-lookin' boy
by the camper.

CLEM: The boy's got an awful
pretty mouth.

["DUELING BANJOS" INTRO PLAYS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]