All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2000) - S02E22 - Soft Touch_track3_[eng]

Oh, can I fit there?

Honey, our house
could fit there.

All right. I can do without
the ha ha, guy.

Okay. Getting
a little nauseous.

All right. Be quiet.

DOUG: I'm gonna
need a bucket.

You want me
to do it?

-CARRIE: No, I am doing this.
-DOUG: Okay.

-DOUG: You gotta cut--
-CARRIE: I'm cutting it!

There.

Okay, great job.
Let's go.

I'll wait here.

SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sitting here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby, all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

Isn't Carrie back
from the supermarket yet?

Yes,
but unfortunately,

both she and her groceries
are invisible.

I'm sorry, but you
make it so easy.

I am starving.

So, what have you--
what have you got there?

Bologna sandwich.

Bologna? We--
we have bologna?

We had bologna, now I'll
thank you to stop hovering.

Come on,
give me half.

Oh, like you gave me half
of your devil dog yesterday?

Okay, that was wrong.

Well, too bad.
Oh, this is gonna be heaven.

All right. I don't need
your stinkin' bologna.

-Hey.
-Where you been?

I stopped at the bank
to pay the mortgage.

The bank?
You know my rules.

Supermarket, home.

Okay? Save your fun stuff
for your own time.

You know me.
Can't pass up a nice long line.

What is this?
What am I looking at here?

I'm looking
at panty liners and Raid.

I need lunch!

Relax, would you?
There's 8 more bags in the car.

Oh, all right.

Wait--wait--
wait--wait.

-You can't go yet.
-Why not?

The Sackskys
are out in their yard

just lurking.

So what?

So I don't
want to get roped

into having dinner
with them.

Ever since
they crashed our barbecue,

they've been trying to invite us
over to reciprocate.

Just give it
10 minutes.

10 minutes? Carrie,
I'm starving here.

You know what I had
for breakfast?

Actually, I had
a good breakfast, but...

that was
a long time ago.

Doug, just wait, okay?

I've dodged them
this long,

I don't need you
to screw it up.

Will you relax?
I won't screw it up.

I'll just
go out there,

I'll throw them
a "Hey, how you doing,"

and, bam,
I'm in the garage.

All right, and what are you
gonna say on your way back?

That's when I go to a "Hey,
gotta stop meeting like this,"

and by the time
they stop laughing,

I'm half-way through
a grilled cheese.

-Fine, go.
-Okay.

Hey, Tim.
How you doing there?

Hey, there's the guy.

Oh, gotta stop meeting
like this.

I'm sorry. What?

Gotta stop
meeting like this.

You know, 'cause
we just saw each other--

-Oh, oh, yeah.
-A second ago.

Hey, listen. While I have you,
Doug, what say we set up
a dinner, huh?

-[LAUGHING]
-And then, and then--

Oh, this
was so funny.

Dottie, let me. And
then he runs out, right?

Now, remember. This guy is all
of 4 1/2 feet tall, right?

So now he's soaking wet,

he's running through the drain,
yelling "Help me! Help me!"

I hate you for this.

Whoo!

So, how is
everything? Delish?

-Oh, it was great.
-Absolutely. Very tasty.

-Yes.
-Really? Oh, good, 'cause
I was a little concerned

about the color
of the chicken.

Nah, it was fine,
Dotty.

Listen, uh, we're
just sorry that it took us

so long
to have you guys over.

Oh, don't give it
another thought.

Well, it's just
that, you know,

Dorothy and I
have been going through

kind of a rough stretch
in our marriage lately--

-Hey, been there.
-TIM: Yeah?

But we've come out
of it better than ever.

Mm-mmm.
Thanks to this one.

Aw. You're so sweet.

-Oops! [LAUGHS]
-Oh.

Are we embarrassing
you guys?

No. No--no.

Hey, dinner
and a show.

Anyway,
this has been great.

-Yes, thank you very much.
-Yes.

Yes, thanks again.

You can't go.

We haven't even
had dessert yet.

Tim, go put the pie
in the oven.

Oh, right. Hey, Doug,

why don't you help me
with the dishes, huh?

The girls can stay out here

and catch up on their
blah--blah--blah.

Yeah--yeah,
sure, Tim.

All-righty. Gonna help
with the dishes.

So, when are we
going shopping?

Okay. That baby should be all
warmed up in about 20 minutes.

The microwave's faster.

Nah. Hey, Doug,

may I ask you
a question?

Yeah, sure, sure.

Do you enjoy
a nice glass of water?

Yeah, when I can't get a beer
or any other liquid.

Try this.

All right.

Well?

It's--it's good.

Ah, so you like it?

Yeah, you know,
we have this

at our place,
too, Tim.

Oh, no. No, see, that's where
you're wrong, my friend.

See, your water doesn't go
through the Sparkle Tap.

Oh, got yourself
a little water filter, huh?

Oh, I don't just
got one. I sell them.

It's the cutest little
outlet store you've ever seen,

and it's only
a 2-hour drive upstate.

Oh, and they have
the worst security.

Then I license 10 people
to sell the Sparkle Tap,

then they each license 10
more people and so on and so on.

I get a cut from
the sale of each filter

and from the sale
of each license.

Incredible, huh?

Oh, it's--
it's incredible.

Incredible!

But you know, Doug,
last year, when I was fired,

we came very close
to losing this house.

I mean, I owed a lot of money
to a lot of scary people.

But now, thanks to Sparkle Tap,
I've got a new job.

Walking to the mailbox
in my pajamas

and taking out
checks from people
I don't even know.

Wow, that's--
that's great, man.

You really
like the idea?

Yeah, I mean,
you've obviously

got a great mind
for business.

Thank you.

So you want to start
with 50 or 100 filters?

What? No--no, I didn't mean
that I wanted to,

I was just--just--

Just what?
Just blowing smoke?

No. No--no.
I didn't know--

Doug, if you don't think
it's a good idea,

just say that.
Don't--don't humor me.

I'm not
humoring you.

Oh, see, now it all makes sense

why you guys have been
avoiding us.

We're just the idiots
next door, right?

No, come on, Tim.
That's not true.

We love
seeing you guys.

And this filter thing?
A hell of an idea.

Okay. Sorry.

So, 50 or 100?

I think 50.

God,
that was brutal.

Capital "B,"
capital "R," utal.

Well, I didn't--
I didn't think it was that bad.

Yeah? That's because
you weren't invited

on an upstate
crime spree.

I gotta say
I'm actually kind of glad

we went
over there tonight.

-Why?
-I don't know.

It gave me a chance
to get to know Tim
a little better, you know?

Did you know he didn't learn
to swim till he was 23?

Really? Remind me to send you
a picture of me yawning.

I'm just--
just saying, Carrie,

Tim's
an interesting guy.

You know, he's
a real go-getter.

Do you know he runs a business
out of his house?

If we hadn't gone
over there tonight,

I might not have, um...

Might not have what?

I might not have had

the very good opportunity
to, um...

Opportunity
to, um, what?

To give him
a $1,000 check

to become a licensed
distributor.

You gave him $1,000?
To distribute what?

Okay, you know what?
First of all, lose the attitude.

Second of all,
water filters.

This is not happening.

Oh, yes, it is.

Doug,
are you insane?

You're gonna sell
water filters?

Yes, and the licenses
to sell them.

That's where
the real money is.

No, the real money
is now in Tim's bank account.

Oh, no. Oh, my God.
No, I know why

they separated us
after dinner.

To pounce
on the weak one.

Okay, yeah, I get it.

You're the genius,
and I'm the moron, right?

[DUMB VOICE]
Duh, okay, I'll buy one.

Oh, tell me
about the rabbits.

I will love him, and I will
pet him, and I will
take good care of him.

'Cause you are my friend,
George. He's my friend.

Let me tell you something, okay?
I know how to spot a good thing
when I see one, okay?

I happen
to be very savvy.

-Savvy?
-Savvy, yes.
I know that word.

Okay, Mr. Savvy,
why don't you tell me

how you're gonna get rich
selling water filters?

Okay, try and stay
with me this time.
It's not the filters,

it's the licenses, okay?

The licenses.
You see this here?

"Official licensee."
This is all official stuff.

Take a look at it.

Now, feel a little
silly now, don't you?

All right, put your pants on.
We're gonna go
get your money back.

Look. No, my pants are off,
and they're staying off.

Doug, he duped you
into a stupid marketing scheme.

Okay, it is not a scheme.

It's a multi-level marketing
system, okay, and it works.

All right, Tim's making so much
money now, he doesn't even
go to work anymore.

He spends 2 to 3 days
at a time in his pajamas.

Oh, yeah? You know
who else does that?

The old and
the mentally ill.

Tell that club they're about
to get a new member.

Okay. Now try this one.

Well?

They taste the same.

Come on, Carrie.
They can't taste the same.
This one's tap water.

It's--it's
full of, uh--

where the hell
is that thing?

Full of ammonia,
latex emulsions,

uh, lead,
and look at this,

benzene.
Benzene, Carrie.

You know, it's not too late
to get your money back.

I don't want to, okay?
I can make some real
money here, Carrie.

Did you realize that
people spend an average

of $600 a year
on bottled water, mmm?

Well, that's 400 less than
you've spent, and it's only May.

You know what?
I--I can't even listen to you.

That's--that's clearly
the benzene talking.

-Morning, all.
-Morning, Dad.

Hey, Arthur.
Can I interest you

in a freshly filtered
glass of water?

Water, huh?

All right, what the hell.
I'll have a glass.

Well, one delicious
glass of water coming up.

Well, spank me hard
and call me Rhonda.

This is
one fine glass of H2O.

Oh, you think so?
Huh. How about that?

So, what is
this contraption

that turns
a glass of water

into
nature's nectar?

It's the Sparkle Tap
water filter.

I'm, uh,
selling them now.

Beautiful. If I had a sink,
I'd buy one for myself.

You know what?
I have a better idea.

You know people
who do have sinks, don't you?

I may or may not.
What's your angle?

I am now authorized
to sell you a license

that allows you to sell these
babies to whoever you want.

This is me leaning forward
with interest.

All right, well,
lean back with interest
or have a mint.

So, come on,
now, son,

what's the deal
with this?

Give me the skinny.

Okay, it's simple, okay?
I sell you the filters

plus the licenses
to sell the filters,

then you find 10 people
and sell them the licenses.

Oh, no--no--no--no.

Do you mind?
We're in the middle

of an important
business meeting.

Yes, I do. You are not dragging
my father into this.

I'm not dragging him in.
He knows what he's doing.

He happens to be
very savvy as well.

Okay, now I'm convinced you
don't know what that word means.

Excuse me, darling.
The last time I checked,

I was over 21 and capable
of making my own decisions.

Now, this is
a fine product,

Douglas is a great guy,

and I'm going in on this.

There we go.
[BRONX CHEER]

Fine, fine.
Do what you want.

Ow!

Okay, Douglas.
What's the buy-in?

-It's $1,000.
-Uh-huh.

Very reasonable.

Unfortunately,
I'm a little cash strapped.

Do you accept artwork?

Wow. So you're telling me

there are actually pesticides
in our drinking water?

Frightening, but true.

But with this baby's
Nano-filtration system,

99% are filtered out.

Bye-bye, nasty pesticides.
Hello, tastier soups.

So, in other words,
I can make money--

And do something great
for your family's health
for only 1,000 bucks.

Hey, I like
what I'm hearing.

Hey, I'm in.
Take a check?

Absolutely. Okay,
so Deac's buying a license.

I've only
got 9 left.

Who's it gonna be?
Peacock?

Hey, Eddie? What do you say,
huh? Come on, man.

Hey. Let's do it.
All right, you know what?

Take your time. Think it over.
Talk to the missus.

Sorry, man.

That's cool, man.
They'll be back. Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.
Give me my check.
-Right. Sorry.

Not interested.

I'm not asking you
to buy anything.

Just try the water.

I'm not interested.

Just try it.
It's delicious.

I don't want it!

How can you not want
a glass of water?
Drink it!

No, I won't.
And you can't make me.

You're gonna have
to take a pill eventually.

I'll wait you out.

Huh? Huh?

All right.
I'll take a filter.

Yeah, what the hell.
I'll take one, too.

I'm not asking you
to just buy a filter.

I'm asking you to buy
into a way of life.

I don't even
want the filter.

Well, that you're committed to.
You said yes.

That's an oral contract.

So what do you
want from me?

I want you to be a licensed
Sparkle Tap salesman

and get rich.

Are you sure
I'm gonna get rich?

Yes, I am.

Okay, I guess I'm in.

Don't be an idiot.
It's a pyramid scheme.

-It is?
-It is not a pyramid scheme,
and shuttee!

How is it not
a pyramid scheme?

You have a product
of little or no value,

and the only
actual profit comes

from constantly
recruiting new members,

which you inevitably
run out of,

and the whole thing
collapses.

Don't make me
Cactus Jack your ass.

[COUGHING]

Hey, Doug, thanks
again for inviting me over.

Haven't heard from you in a hell
of a long time there, guy.

Yeah, we should call each other
more, you know?

Well, I called you.

I left you
a bunch of messages.

Have you?

Carrie is heavy with that
delete finger, you know?

"Not for me." [BLEEP]
"Not for me." [BLEEP]

We've had some
real blowouts about that.

No problem. The main thing
is we're here now.

Absolutely, man. This is what
it's all about: family.

Hey, cousin.

Hey.

All right, we got our snacks,
got our movie, we got it all.

Oh, wait a second.
Beverages.

How do you feel about water?

It's about family, huh?

Yeah, as long as that family's
buying a water filter!

-It filters out the impurities!
-I don't care!

I don't like being used!

Oh, what, are you gonna make
pizzas your whole life?

It's better than paying
$1000 for a water filter.

-No, no,
that was for the licenses!
-Whatever!

So, how's
the water business?

Good,
and getting better.

Cafiello, come on.
You've had time to think.

Hey, Voss. Voss, come on,
man, what do you say?

I bought cookies
from your kid!

Come on, man.

Hey, Betcher. Come on.

You gave me a maybe.
What's up with that?

Come on,
you gave me a maybe.

Oh, fine. Now I know
why your wife left you,

'cause you don't know
a good thing when you see it.

Yeah, that's right.
I said it.

Yeah, you got a problem?
You bring it. Oh, my God.

Here's the deal.

You become part
of the Sparkle Tap team,

and I will convert
to your religion.

So, you didn't
sell one, huh?

Nope. In fact,
2 of my samples were stolen.

Put that on my tab.

Sure, what's
the difference?

Oh, boy.

When I was a younger man,
Douglas, I could really
close the deal.

They come in,
I turn on the charm,

and I'd make
the sale every time.

Yeah,
what did you sell?

Gasoline.

I feel like
such an idiot.

I swear, I wish
there was a pill I could take,

go to sleep, wake up
2 days from now

like none of this
ever happened.

Yeah.

Where are
you going?

I'm gonna
take that pill.

See you Thursday.

Hey. How's business?

Well, let's see.
Your father got
2 filters stolen,

I crushed one
in my bare hands,

and the rest are in the
garage. It's over.

Look. You took a shot,

and it didn't work out.

I think
the lesson here is...

don't take
any more shots.

Come on.
On the brighter side,

we have some nice, clean,
drinking water, right?

Actually, I took
the filter off.

The water started
coming out black.

I can't believe it.
I let Tim make
such a fool of me.

And you know what?
I'm going over there.

-Good. Good. Go.
-Yeah, yeah, and I got
news for you.

You know what? I'm not gonna
just make him
give me my money back,

I'm gonna tell him
those 2 filters that I lost?

They're coming out
of his pajama pocket.

Ooh, baby.
You're turning me on.

Oh, I know I am,
Pokémon.

Then, get over there.

Get over there,
and hurry back.

Yeah. I'll be back in 5 minutes
after I set him straight.

Tim?

Tim?

And you know, this is when your
little one's bones are forming,

so you wanna make sure your
water is as pure as possible.

And I bet you have a lot
of little friends at school

that want clean water,
don't you? Don't you?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]