Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,750 --> 00:00:05,250
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:13,300 --> 00:00:15,140
[RING]
3
00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:18,850
Hello?
4
00:00:18,890 --> 00:00:21,680
Oh. Yeah.
I'll pick it up tomorrow.
5
00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:23,230
What time do
you guys close?
6
00:00:23,270 --> 00:00:25,520
All right.
Thank you. Bye.
7
00:00:28,230 --> 00:00:29,820
What?
8
00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:32,150
I gotta tell you, honey,
I'm not crazy about
9
00:00:32,190 --> 00:00:34,240
the way you answer the phone.
10
00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:35,410
What do you mean?
11
00:00:35,450 --> 00:00:38,580
The way you say hello.
It's like...hello.
12
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:40,410
It's like you're saying,
13
00:00:40,450 --> 00:00:43,200
"I'm already bored
with this conversation,
and I'm bored with you."
14
00:00:43,250 --> 00:00:46,080
Uh-huh. And the way
you answer the phone
is so great?
15
00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:47,630
Yeah. Yes, it is.
I'm very friendly.
16
00:00:47,670 --> 00:00:49,210
Really?
Let's hear one.
17
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,380
All right.
18
00:00:50,420 --> 00:00:51,760
[HIGH, CHEERFUL VOICE]
Hul-lo!
19
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,670
You do not do that.
20
00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,090
I do so.
It's a very solid hello.
21
00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:59,430
It's warm and inviting
and...
22
00:00:59,470 --> 00:01:02,850
I've been told
a little sexy.
23
00:01:02,890 --> 00:01:03,850
Well, you know
what I'll do?
24
00:01:03,890 --> 00:01:05,560
I'll quit my job
25
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:06,690
and practice saying
hello full-time.
Is that good?
26
00:01:06,730 --> 00:01:08,060
Look, you don't have
to bite, all right?
27
00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:10,270
I'm just trying to help you
with your greeting skills.
28
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,820
-Well, don't.
-Whatever.
29
00:01:11,860 --> 00:01:13,530
-Sorry I brought it up.
-Yeah, me, too.
30
00:01:13,570 --> 00:01:15,610
-Fine.
-Fine.
31
00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:19,820
[DOORBELL RINGS]
32
00:01:21,870 --> 00:01:24,790
SINGER: *My eyesare gettin' weary*
33
00:01:24,830 --> 00:01:27,500
*My back is gettin' tight*
34
00:01:27,540 --> 00:01:29,380
*I'm sitting herein traffic*
35
00:01:29,420 --> 00:01:32,380
*On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
36
00:01:32,420 --> 00:01:37,510
*But I don't care'cause all I want to do*
37
00:01:37,550 --> 00:01:42,180
*Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
38
00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:45,270
*'Cause, baby, all my life*
39
00:01:45,310 --> 00:01:49,480
*I will be drivin' hometo you*
40
00:01:59,610 --> 00:02:01,780
I think they made a mistake
in the word jumble.
41
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:02,780
Yeah?
42
00:02:02,830 --> 00:02:06,000
Yeah. The letters
are M-A-L-B.
43
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,250
There's nothing you can
make of that, you know?
44
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:12,000
Mahbul...
45
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,210
ahblum...
46
00:02:15,340 --> 00:02:17,670
buhmal...
47
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:18,800
there's nothin'!
48
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:20,220
Lamb.
49
00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:24,010
I'll play around
with that so...
50
00:02:25,430 --> 00:02:29,100
[HUMMINGHAPPY BIRTHDAY]
*Dum dum dum dum dum dum*
51
00:02:29,140 --> 00:02:32,980
*Dum dum dum dumdum dum*
52
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,650
*Dum dum dum dum dum*
53
00:02:35,690 --> 00:02:37,940
*Arthur*
54
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:44,280
*Dum dum dum dumdum dum*
55
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,620
In case you didn't
catch that subtle hint,
56
00:02:48,660 --> 00:02:50,210
his birthday's
coming up.
57
00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:53,080
Yeah, I know.
This morning I woke up
with a party hat on.
58
00:02:55,380 --> 00:02:58,630
God, he's gonna be 75!
59
00:02:58,670 --> 00:03:00,630
We should do something special
for him, don't you think?
60
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,140
Chip in for a hooker?
61
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:06,060
Not quite that special.
62
00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:09,060
Save that for my birthday.
Hey, who said that?
63
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:12,270
Doug, come on.
I'm being serious.
64
00:03:12,310 --> 00:03:14,770
You know, I feel like
such a slug when it comes
to his birthday.
65
00:03:14,810 --> 00:03:16,690
I mean, every year we schlep
him off to White Castle
66
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,610
and throw 20 bucks' worth
of scratch-offs at him.
67
00:03:18,650 --> 00:03:20,610
What do you want
to do instead?
68
00:03:20,650 --> 00:03:22,320
I don't know. I'm thinking,
like, a surprise party.
69
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:26,200
A party?
With people?
70
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,910
I'm thinking
with people. Yes. Yes.
71
00:03:28,950 --> 00:03:30,830
Let's see.
His birthday is on Tuesday.
72
00:03:30,870 --> 00:03:32,040
Maybe we can
catch him off guard
73
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,250
if we do it on Sunday.
74
00:03:33,290 --> 00:03:35,880
Sunday? No, no!
You can't do it on Sunday!
75
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,000
It's my only day off
this week
76
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,300
'cause I'm working
Saturday, remember?
77
00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:41,420
Hey, do it Saturday.
78
00:03:41,470 --> 00:03:43,260
Doug, come on,
you gotta be there.
79
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:44,390
Well, think about it!
80
00:03:44,430 --> 00:03:46,010
First of all,
I don't wanna be there.
81
00:03:46,050 --> 00:03:47,890
And they don't
want me there, you know?
82
00:03:47,930 --> 00:03:49,310
I'll start drinkin'.
I'm an angry drunk.
83
00:03:49,350 --> 00:03:51,850
I'll pop someone!
84
00:03:51,890 --> 00:03:52,890
That's very nice, Doug.
85
00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:54,900
You can't give up
one lousy afternoon
86
00:03:54,940 --> 00:03:57,020
for a man
who's turning 75?
87
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:57,940
It's not that old.
88
00:03:57,980 --> 00:04:00,030
It is old!
89
00:04:00,070 --> 00:04:02,400
Do you realize who was president
when he was born?
90
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:04,950
I can't spell "lamb"!
91
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,210
[GAME PLAYING ON TV]
92
00:04:16,330 --> 00:04:20,130
Doug! What are you
still doing home?
93
00:04:20,170 --> 00:04:22,800
Trying to enjoy
my 2 minutes of weekend.
94
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:25,180
Well, I hope you did,
'cause they're over.
95
00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:27,010
Now come on!
96
00:04:27,050 --> 00:04:28,470
You gotta get my father
out of the house
97
00:04:28,510 --> 00:04:29,930
so I can start
setting up.
98
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:32,180
[SIGHS] Fine.
99
00:04:33,850 --> 00:04:36,150
Get him out of the house.
You're not the boss of me.
100
00:04:36,190 --> 00:04:38,110
-What'd you say?
-Nothing. Nothing.
101
00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:40,400
So, what excuse
are you gonna use?
102
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,110
I don't know,
can't we just club him?
103
00:04:42,150 --> 00:04:44,450
And when he wakes up,
we yell "Surprise".
104
00:04:44,490 --> 00:04:46,950
Doug, you need to get him
out of the house.
105
00:04:46,990 --> 00:04:48,990
All right, all right.
Take a chill pill.
106
00:04:49,030 --> 00:04:50,870
"Take a chill pill"?
107
00:04:50,910 --> 00:04:53,710
What's wrong with that?
You say, "It's all good."
108
00:04:53,750 --> 00:04:55,250
All right stop,
just go.
109
00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,050
[TV PLAYING]
110
00:05:02,090 --> 00:05:03,510
Hey, guy,
whatcha doin'?
111
00:05:03,550 --> 00:05:07,010
I'm watching this
very interesting program.
112
00:05:07,050 --> 00:05:08,390
See, this
young fellow, Screech,
113
00:05:08,430 --> 00:05:12,140
has painted himself
into quite a corner.
114
00:05:12,180 --> 00:05:15,020
Listen, I was gonna go out
and get a bite to eat,
115
00:05:15,060 --> 00:05:18,190
and I thought, "Hey!
You know what? Why not
grab the man down under?"
116
00:05:18,230 --> 00:05:20,190
So, uh...
ya up for it?
117
00:05:20,230 --> 00:05:22,030
Thank you. No.
118
00:05:22,070 --> 00:05:24,360
You know, I was thinking
then maybe we'd swing by
119
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:26,200
that skee ball place
you like so much.
120
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,370
-Whaddaya say? Come on.
-Passaroo.
121
00:05:30,530 --> 00:05:32,370
Well, you know, maybe we'll go
to the bowling alley afterwards.
122
00:05:32,410 --> 00:05:34,910
Sweet Mary,
will you take a hint?!
123
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:40,250
You know what?
Look, Arthur, uh...
124
00:05:40,290 --> 00:05:42,250
the thing is,
you see, I--I, uh...
125
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:45,880
I need you to, uh, come
with me...on an errand.
126
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,180
What errand?
127
00:05:47,220 --> 00:05:49,220
-I have to pick something up.
-What?
128
00:05:49,260 --> 00:05:51,810
A, uh...um...
129
00:05:51,850 --> 00:05:53,390
a great big--
one of those, uh--
130
00:05:53,430 --> 00:05:55,890
-Fish tank?
-Yeah.
131
00:05:55,930 --> 00:05:57,390
We're gettin' fish?
132
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,400
Um, yeah. Been thinking about it
for quite a while, actually.
133
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:00,400
I love fish!
134
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,570
Well, that's
something we share!
135
00:06:02,610 --> 00:06:03,860
So you comin'?
136
00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:05,070
Try and stop me!
137
00:06:05,110 --> 00:06:06,900
Hey, did you know
I had a trout farm
138
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,150
before the war?
139
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,030
Nope. Didn't know that.
140
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,240
Let me tell you,
Douglas.
141
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,280
They're very delicate
creatures.
142
00:06:13,330 --> 00:06:15,290
I learned that
the hard way.
143
00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:19,330
Oh, hey. Where are you
fellas off to?
144
00:06:19,370 --> 00:06:20,580
Where do you think
we're going?
145
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,500
To get
the new aquarium!
146
00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:28,430
We may have to get rid
of the piano.
147
00:06:34,430 --> 00:06:37,350
This is--
this is great, huh?
148
00:06:37,390 --> 00:06:40,310
I thought we were
getting an aquarium.
149
00:06:40,350 --> 00:06:42,400
We are, we are.
I just thought, uh...
150
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:43,400
you know,
we'd spend a little time
151
00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:44,900
just you and me first,
you know?
152
00:06:44,940 --> 00:06:46,610
Just the men, the boys,
you know?
153
00:06:46,650 --> 00:06:49,360
No pesky women
draggin' us down.
154
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,200
I don't know where you're going
with this, Douglas,
155
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:53,490
but you're making me
very uncomfortable.
156
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,290
We're eating lunch, okay?
157
00:06:57,330 --> 00:06:59,410
Hey, you like
the buffet here, right?
158
00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:02,290
Actually, I do.
They got hot wings here
159
00:07:02,330 --> 00:07:04,920
that'll singe your
short hairs right off.
160
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,470
A little less hungry
now, but okay.
161
00:07:09,510 --> 00:07:12,140
Little meatballs
are also marvelous.
162
00:07:12,180 --> 00:07:14,300
Oh! And
the brownies. Wow!
163
00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:15,390
Outta this world!
164
00:07:15,430 --> 00:07:16,930
Are you gentlemen
ready to order?
165
00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:17,970
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I'm just--
166
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:18,980
I'm gonna go
with the buffet.
167
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,480
Nothing for me,
thanks.
168
00:07:23,270 --> 00:07:24,400
I thought you wanted
the buffet.
169
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,480
Oh, I do.
And I'll be having it.
170
00:07:30,070 --> 00:07:31,360
Why are you
winking at me?
171
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:34,530
You just fall off
the turnip truck?
172
00:07:34,570 --> 00:07:36,450
I'll tell you
what I wanna eat.
173
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,370
You slip it to me
off your plate,
174
00:07:38,410 --> 00:07:41,920
and we walk outta
here 6.99 richer.
175
00:07:43,540 --> 00:07:46,500
Oh, boy. Arthur,
just let me pay for you.
176
00:07:46,540 --> 00:07:47,920
That's crazy!
177
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:51,170
You're about to invest in
a very expensive aquarium!
178
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:54,010
It's okay, all right?
I can take the hint.
179
00:07:54,050 --> 00:07:55,010
Where's the waiter?
180
00:07:55,050 --> 00:07:56,220
Douglas, I will
not sit here
181
00:07:56,260 --> 00:07:57,890
and watch you spend
like a madman
182
00:07:57,930 --> 00:07:59,560
just to impress me!
183
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,480
-See you at home.
-Fine, fine, fine.
184
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:03,690
Look, we can share
off my plate, all right?
185
00:08:03,730 --> 00:08:05,190
That's my boy.
186
00:08:05,230 --> 00:08:07,320
[SIGHS]
All right, so...
187
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,530
what do you want me
to get first?
188
00:08:09,570 --> 00:08:11,150
Just put whatever
you want for yourself
189
00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:12,150
on one half
of the plate,
190
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,410
and the other half,
191
00:08:13,450 --> 00:08:15,530
load it up
with beets!
192
00:08:27,250 --> 00:08:29,170
-Dear?
-Yes, Mrs. Hanley?
193
00:08:29,210 --> 00:08:31,920
I'm diabetic
and I can't take any sugar.
194
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:34,630
-Do you have any Equal?
-Yes, it's right over there.
195
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,600
-Oh, thank you so much.
-You're welcome.
196
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:46,690
So, little Carrie Spooner.
197
00:08:46,730 --> 00:08:48,310
Hi, Mr. Tepper.
198
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,690
My, how the years fly by.
199
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:54,610
It seems like only yesterday
you were a gangly little kid,
200
00:08:54,650 --> 00:08:57,070
you know, with the pigtails
and the braces.
You remember that?
201
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,080
Worst years of my life.
Yes, I do.
202
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:03,660
Now look at you.
You've blossomed
into a lovely young lady.
203
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:06,250
-Thank you so much.
-No, I mean it, you're gorgeous.
204
00:09:06,290 --> 00:09:09,670
With that velvet skin
and that tight little body.
205
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:15,300
Yeah, you're probably
as limber as a cat.
206
00:09:15,340 --> 00:09:17,390
-[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Excuse me.
207
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:20,640
Thank you.
208
00:09:23,390 --> 00:09:25,560
-Oh, Mr. Glassman! Hi!
-Hey, Carrie!
209
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:26,980
Carrie.
It's good to see ya.
210
00:09:27,020 --> 00:09:28,980
Oh, thank you
for coming!
211
00:09:29,020 --> 00:09:30,570
Are you kidding? Ha!
212
00:09:30,610 --> 00:09:33,110
Think I would miss
a wonderful thing like this?
213
00:09:33,150 --> 00:09:34,990
Wild horses
couldn't keep--
214
00:09:35,030 --> 00:09:37,570
Who invited
that miserable bastard?!
215
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:40,620
-Screw you!
-Okay.
216
00:09:45,790 --> 00:09:48,040
I'm ready
for a tater tot.
217
00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:56,010
Ah, ah, ah.
218
00:10:13,230 --> 00:10:15,150
[FAKING COUGH]
219
00:10:22,490 --> 00:10:24,540
Do you really enjoy
eating this way?
220
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,460
Yes, I do.
221
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,710
Now, under the guise
of shaking hands,
222
00:10:29,750 --> 00:10:32,090
pass me
a stuffed mushroom.
223
00:10:35,210 --> 00:10:36,550
This is where
I throw you a no.
224
00:10:36,590 --> 00:10:38,470
Come on, grease me!
225
00:10:38,510 --> 00:10:40,180
Would you just--
do me a favor, take the plate.
226
00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:42,600
Are you insane?
The walls have eyes
around here!
227
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:45,220
Oh, do they?
Well, then let's
stop stealing, huh?
228
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:47,350
Why don't you shout it
through a megaphone?!
229
00:10:47,390 --> 00:10:49,390
For God's sake,
be discreet!
230
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,770
I am being discreet, okay?
You're the one with buffalo wing
sauce all over your face.
231
00:10:52,810 --> 00:10:54,400
-Just take the plate!
-No.
232
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:55,530
-Take it!
-No!
233
00:10:55,570 --> 00:10:57,530
-Excuse me.
-Yes?
234
00:10:57,570 --> 00:10:59,200
Are you also having
the buffet, sir?
235
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,700
How dare you make
such an accusation!
236
00:11:01,740 --> 00:11:04,080
I fought
for this country!
237
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,240
Yes. We have
been sharing.
238
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:06,790
Here's $20 for 2 buffets.
Keep the change.
239
00:11:06,830 --> 00:11:08,370
Thank you.
240
00:11:08,410 --> 00:11:10,540
-Hold it, fella.
-Yes, sir.
241
00:11:10,580 --> 00:11:13,500
There was broken glass
in this taco meat.
242
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,750
No, no, there
wasn't, okay? It's fine.
Everything's fine, okay?
243
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,170
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
244
00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:20,800
Arthur, what is going on
inside that head of yours?
245
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,850
Are there 2 wires
that are touching
that shouldn't be?!
246
00:11:26,220 --> 00:11:27,600
Is there a leak
of some sort?
247
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,890
'Cause let me tell you,
something is very, very wrong!
248
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,230
I'm going
to the bathroom.
249
00:11:32,270 --> 00:11:35,270
When I come back...
be fixed!
250
00:11:38,530 --> 00:11:41,240
All right. Just calm down,
Mr. Glassman.
251
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:42,780
Have a cold drink.
Everything's gonna be fine.
252
00:11:42,820 --> 00:11:44,570
Sure. You give a guy
his first job,
253
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:46,240
and he stabs you
in the back!
254
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,660
Some first job,
255
00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:50,160
taking orders from that
snot-nosed kid of yours!
256
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:53,710
-Okay, Mr. Tepper--
-Oh, that's why you did it--
to get even!
257
00:11:53,750 --> 00:11:56,210
I didn't do anything,
you crazy old man!
258
00:11:56,250 --> 00:11:57,380
What--who's old?
259
00:11:57,420 --> 00:11:58,920
You're older!
You're older than me!
260
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,260
-I am not!
-You are older than--
261
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,550
Okay, enough! Enough!
262
00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:04,430
Let's just agree
you're both old, okay?
263
00:12:04,470 --> 00:12:06,470
Now, come on, what's
the big deal here, huh?
264
00:12:06,510 --> 00:12:08,600
What, did he cheat you
at gin rummy, huh?
265
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,430
Forget to return your
power mower on time? What?
266
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,400
He had sex
with my wife!
267
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:17,770
Uh-huh. Okay.
That's significant.
268
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,320
It's been 40 years, and
he can't accept
269
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,240
the fact that
I did not do it!
270
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:24,450
Why would I?
She looked like
Tony Randall in a wig!
271
00:12:24,490 --> 00:12:27,160
She had to wear a wig.
She had a condition.
272
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,330
Okay, guys, enough!
273
00:12:29,370 --> 00:12:31,830
Now, look, Doug is back
with Arthur, okay?
274
00:12:31,870 --> 00:12:34,460
He's your friend,
and you want him
to have a nice party, right?
275
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:35,580
-BOTH: Yeah, yeah.
-Okay.
276
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,290
So from now on,
no more talk about
277
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:38,960
who did or didn't do...
278
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,880
your wife,
all right?
279
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,260
Let's just smile
and put all our energies
280
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:45,720
into a nice,
robust surprise, 'kay?
281
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:46,970
-'Kay?
-[MURMURING]
282
00:12:47,010 --> 00:12:49,390
All righty.
Let's get ready.
Come on! Come on!
283
00:12:54,020 --> 00:12:56,860
-ALL: Surprise!
-Hey, how you doin'?
284
00:12:58,770 --> 00:13:00,820
Hon, where
is my father?
285
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:02,900
I was hoping
he came back here!
286
00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:04,820
No! Why is he
not with you?
287
00:13:04,860 --> 00:13:07,370
He got loose.
288
00:13:16,370 --> 00:13:17,960
I went to the bathroom
for, like, 2 seconds,
289
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,790
and when I came back
to the table, he was gone!
290
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,260
All he left was a note
on his place mat.
291
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:23,760
"Dear Douglas,
292
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,050
I'd rather have
a defective head
293
00:13:25,090 --> 00:13:26,760
than a cold heart.
294
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:30,390
So kiss me where
the sun don't shine,
295
00:13:30,430 --> 00:13:32,640
and I don't mean
London."
296
00:13:36,940 --> 00:13:41,230
-That's all he wrote?
-No, he also did the
connect-the-dots in the back.
297
00:13:41,270 --> 00:13:43,990
I do not see
that's a candy cane.
298
00:13:44,030 --> 00:13:46,400
For God's sake, Doug,
why'd you have
to get so mad at him?
299
00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:48,240
I told you, he was
acting like a maniac
300
00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:49,820
with his little buffet
scheme!
301
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:51,740
So you handshake him
a few stuffed mushrooms.
302
00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,120
I've been doing it
since I was a kid.
303
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,080
Oh, really?
Hey, you know what,
why stop there?
304
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,870
Why don't I just
French kiss him Jell-O?
That'll be good.
305
00:14:01,130 --> 00:14:02,750
I cannot believe you.
306
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,170
I give you one thing
to do today.
307
00:14:04,210 --> 00:14:05,920
One thing,
and you screw it up.
308
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:07,760
Excuse me,
it was my one day off
309
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,760
in two weeks,
and it was your idea
310
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,050
to put me in charge
of oldie.
311
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:14,310
Well,
it's oldie's birthday.
312
00:14:14,350 --> 00:14:15,520
Where you going?
313
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,940
I am going to find him
and bring him back.
314
00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:20,150
Now, just stay here and
keep the party alive.
315
00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:26,820
It's a little late
for that.
316
00:14:28,030 --> 00:14:29,280
I should be back
within an hour,
317
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,780
assuming he's at one
of his usual hangouts.
318
00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:34,290
Well, he's not
at O.T.B or Nude Nudes.
319
00:14:34,330 --> 00:14:37,290
Thanks.
320
00:14:37,330 --> 00:14:39,120
-[DOOR CLOSES]
-[SIGHS]
321
00:14:40,420 --> 00:14:41,750
Hey, how you doing there?
322
00:14:41,790 --> 00:14:43,290
Hi, how's it going?
All right.
323
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:45,800
Hey, how's everybody doing?
Anybody need anything? No?
324
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:46,840
All right, great.
325
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,300
I'm just gonna
turn on the TV here.
326
00:14:48,340 --> 00:14:50,470
You guys keep talking
about the old times,
327
00:14:50,510 --> 00:14:52,850
how everything used to cost
a nickel and whatnot.
328
00:14:52,890 --> 00:14:54,220
You Carrie's husband?
329
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:55,770
Yeah. Yes, I am.
330
00:14:55,810 --> 00:14:58,890
Any of your friends
ever have sex with her?
331
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:02,480
Don't start up again,
you sick, paranoid bastard!
332
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:03,900
You are gonna
rot in hell!
333
00:15:03,940 --> 00:15:06,280
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, guys!
334
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:07,860
Knicks are down by 4!
335
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,040
Dad?
336
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,500
Uh, excuse me, is there
an Arthur Spooner in there?
337
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:28,880
ARTHUR: No.
Now shut the door!
338
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:32,180
I know
that's you, Dad.
339
00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:34,350
ARTHUR: I'm not Dad.
My name is Mr. Wong.
340
00:15:34,390 --> 00:15:36,850
I'm an importer
of silk!
341
00:15:36,890 --> 00:15:39,480
Dad, please don't be
Mr. Wong right now.
342
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,020
Come on.
I really want you to come home.
343
00:15:42,060 --> 00:15:43,810
ARTHUR: Oh, do ya?
344
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:46,820
Well, your husband
clearly doesn't
feel the same way!
345
00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:48,820
Dad, would you
listen to me?
346
00:15:48,860 --> 00:15:50,780
Hey. How you doin'?
347
00:15:50,820 --> 00:15:53,410
Doug is very sorry
for what he said.
348
00:15:53,450 --> 00:15:55,370
ARTHUR: Well, sorry
doesn't pay the butcher!
349
00:15:55,410 --> 00:15:57,330
Now shut the door!
350
00:15:59,910 --> 00:16:02,370
Don't you go near
my car, Glassman!
351
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,380
Don't you--
Oh, my God!
352
00:16:04,420 --> 00:16:07,550
You are an animal!
353
00:16:07,590 --> 00:16:09,340
All right. All right!
354
00:16:09,380 --> 00:16:11,880
2 can play at that game!
355
00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:16,260
Hey, Doug. Do you
happen to own a sledge hammer?
356
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:18,180
-In the garage.
-Thank you.
357
00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:20,430
Hey, Tepper!
358
00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,020
Thanks for leaving
your top down.
359
00:16:23,060 --> 00:16:25,270
Made my job
a lot easier.
Ha ha ha ha!
360
00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:28,020
You just bought
yourself
361
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,860
a date with my fist!
362
00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:32,490
Oh, come on.
Gimme your best shot!
363
00:16:32,530 --> 00:16:34,910
-Oh, you'll get my best
shot, all right!
-Come on, come on, bring it on!
364
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:37,490
It's comin'!
It's comin'
special delivery!
365
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,040
I'll be at home
to sign for it.
366
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,830
Either fight or nap!
367
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,340
You see...
368
00:16:48,380 --> 00:16:51,050
what Doug meant was...
369
00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:53,050
your brain is like
a computer, you know,
370
00:16:53,090 --> 00:16:56,970
very--very intricate
and--and complex.
371
00:16:57,010 --> 00:16:59,470
And if something
was to go wrong
inside of it,
372
00:16:59,510 --> 00:17:03,440
then that would
make him...sad.
373
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,440
Don't try to sugar-coat
this, darling.
374
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,400
He clearly
despises me.
375
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,150
Oh, that is
so not the case!
376
00:17:09,190 --> 00:17:11,110
He took you to lunch.
That proves
he likes you, right?
377
00:17:11,150 --> 00:17:12,570
No. It proves
he needed someone
378
00:17:12,610 --> 00:17:14,820
to hold up the other
end of a fish tank!
379
00:17:14,860 --> 00:17:16,610
What a waste of an
afternoon this was.
380
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:19,580
Believe me, not having
the time of my life either.
381
00:17:19,620 --> 00:17:22,250
Dad, could you please just
get past this and come home?
382
00:17:22,290 --> 00:17:25,080
-Sorry.
-Dad.
383
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:28,340
I am hot and sweaty
and I have seen things in here
384
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:30,550
I will never forget.
385
00:17:30,590 --> 00:17:32,510
Now, can we please
just go home?
386
00:17:32,550 --> 00:17:34,470
-No.
-For God's sakes,
387
00:17:34,510 --> 00:17:35,590
could you stop
being so selfish?
388
00:17:35,630 --> 00:17:37,140
The reason Doug
took you out today
389
00:17:37,180 --> 00:17:39,350
was because we're having
a surprise party for you.
390
00:17:39,390 --> 00:17:41,140
A surprise party?
Really?
391
00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:42,390
Yes.
392
00:17:43,350 --> 00:17:45,140
Way to ruin it!
393
00:17:48,270 --> 00:17:49,270
Okay, now, guys,
394
00:17:49,310 --> 00:17:50,860
I'd really like
to settle this
395
00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:53,030
before the fourth
quarter starts.
396
00:17:53,070 --> 00:17:56,860
Carl...did you
or did you not
397
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,240
sleep with
Herb's wife?
398
00:17:58,280 --> 00:17:59,570
I did not!
399
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:00,580
Well, there you go.
Case closed.
400
00:18:00,620 --> 00:18:02,120
Feels good, doesn't it?
401
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,580
It was him!
I got a witness.
402
00:18:04,620 --> 00:18:06,580
-Who's your witness?
-Ah, ah, ah!
403
00:18:06,620 --> 00:18:08,500
All right, Herb.
Who is your witness?
404
00:18:08,540 --> 00:18:10,170
Arthur Spooner.
405
00:18:10,210 --> 00:18:11,460
Oh, yeah!
406
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:13,550
He said
he saw Carl Tepper
407
00:18:13,590 --> 00:18:15,920
sneakin' outta my house
at 2 A.M.!
408
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:18,300
That's impossible!
I was workin'
the night shift!
409
00:18:18,340 --> 00:18:19,390
Oh, really?
410
00:18:19,430 --> 00:18:20,550
He told me he saw
you with my wife
411
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,010
at the Concord Hotel
412
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:24,520
and inside a bungalow
at Ocean City!
413
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:26,480
I never been
to those places!
414
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,100
Ha ha!
Oh, please, please!
415
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,310
I'm just lucky
that every time
416
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:31,360
my wife was unfaithful,
417
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,150
Arthur was there!
418
00:18:41,070 --> 00:18:44,370
*Happy birthday,dear Arthur*
419
00:18:44,410 --> 00:18:46,370
*Happy birthday*
420
00:18:46,410 --> 00:18:48,670
*To you*
421
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,920
Now, remember. No one thinks
you know about the party,
422
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,340
so make sure
you act surprised, okay?
423
00:18:54,380 --> 00:18:57,670
Don't you worry.
I do a wonderful
fake heart attack!
424
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,510
Yeah, I know.
I remember
from our wedding.
425
00:19:05,390 --> 00:19:07,180
All right. Now, Dad,
I'm just gonna run in
426
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:09,140
and make sure everybody's
set to surprise you
427
00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:12,230
and sing "Happy Birthday"
and all that, okay?
428
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,530
-Darling, wait.
-What?
429
00:19:16,570 --> 00:19:18,150
I've given this
a lot of thought,
430
00:19:18,190 --> 00:19:21,450
and I decided I'd prefer
"For He's a Jolly Good Fellow".
431
00:19:21,490 --> 00:19:23,030
Uh...that's--
that's fine.
432
00:19:23,070 --> 00:19:24,160
I'll be right back.
433
00:19:29,330 --> 00:19:32,000
[GAME PLAYING ON TV]
434
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,630
What's goin' on?
Where is everybody?
435
00:19:34,670 --> 00:19:36,300
I sent them home.
436
00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:40,010
What? Why do you keep
losing people?
437
00:19:40,050 --> 00:19:41,760
Back it down,
all right?
438
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,430
I just saved your father
from being hollowed out
by an angry mob.
439
00:19:44,470 --> 00:19:45,720
What are you
talking about?
440
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:46,720
Let's just say we finally
got to the bottom of
441
00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:49,230
who nailed Marian Glassman.
442
00:19:49,270 --> 00:19:51,100
Oh, my God.
My father?
443
00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:53,480
Yep. And he blamed it
on the other guy.
444
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,190
That's our birthday boy.
445
00:19:55,230 --> 00:19:59,150
-Where is he?
-He's right outside!
446
00:19:59,190 --> 00:20:01,200
-So bring him in.
-I can't!
447
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:03,160
He thinks there's a surprise
party waiting for him.
448
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:04,660
Why did you
tell him about it?
449
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:06,990
It was the only way
I can get him to come home.
450
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,160
[BREATHLESSLY]
This is such an honor!
451
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,540
A man is nothing
without friends!
452
00:20:15,750 --> 00:20:17,380
[IMPERIOUSLY]
This is such an honor.
453
00:20:17,420 --> 00:20:19,420
A man is nothing
without friends!
454
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,090
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
455
00:20:23,130 --> 00:20:25,760
Should we call some neighbors,
have 'em come in the back door?
456
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,060
No. They're all
much younger than him.
457
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,310
And he's
suing most of 'em.
458
00:20:30,350 --> 00:20:33,440
Okay, okay. Hey, hey,
how about that soft
yogurt place at the mall?
459
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:36,690
You ever see that place?
It's like a sea of gray!
460
00:20:36,730 --> 00:20:39,440
Feel like saying
anything helpful?
461
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,610
Hey, I don't hear you
tossing out any gems.
462
00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:43,740
Sorry. It's just that
I cannot bring that man in here
463
00:20:43,780 --> 00:20:45,820
without a fricking
surprise party.
It'll kill him!
464
00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:47,700
-So what do we do?
-I don't know! Think!
465
00:20:47,740 --> 00:20:53,370
[HUMMING "FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW"]
466
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:56,380
*Which nobody can deny*
467
00:20:56,420 --> 00:20:58,460
[GAME PLAYING ON TV]
468
00:21:37,670 --> 00:21:39,420
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
469
00:21:41,460 --> 00:21:42,380
Hello?
470
00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:44,880
Better. But
be more inviting.
471
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:46,890
Hel-lo!
472
00:21:46,930 --> 00:21:48,760
Stop it!
473
00:21:51,850 --> 00:21:54,930
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
34656
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
