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1
00:00:03,120 --> 00:00:05,250
SINGER: *My eyesare gettin' weary*
2
00:00:05,290 --> 00:00:08,090
*My back is gettin' tight*
3
00:00:08,130 --> 00:00:09,710
*I'm sitting herein traffic*
4
00:00:09,750 --> 00:00:12,670
*On the QueensboroBridge tonight*
5
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:14,130
*But I don't care*
6
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:18,100
*'Cause all I want to do*
7
00:00:18,140 --> 00:00:22,390
*Is cash my check anddrive right home to you*
8
00:00:23,810 --> 00:00:25,650
*'Cause baby, all my life*
9
00:00:25,690 --> 00:00:32,150
*I will bedriving home to you*
10
00:00:32,190 --> 00:00:34,360
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
11
00:00:45,870 --> 00:00:48,880
-Hey, hey, babe!
-Hey, hon.
12
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,840
Hey, listen. Don't start dinner.
I'm takin' you to that--
13
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:53,630
that Japanese place
again tonight.
14
00:00:53,670 --> 00:00:55,550
Why are you obsessed
with that place?
15
00:00:55,590 --> 00:00:57,140
I'm not obsessed with it.
16
00:00:57,180 --> 00:00:58,720
I just like when a Japanese man
cooks in front of you. It's fun.
17
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,180
It's like, you know,
it's like...
18
00:01:12,230 --> 00:01:15,650
Okay. As entertaining
as that was, we can't.
19
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:17,610
Come on. It'll be fun.
20
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:18,570
Wow! Shrimp in the pocket.
21
00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:19,870
Banzai!
22
00:01:21,740 --> 00:01:25,580
We can't. Your
cousin Danny called.
He's on his way over.
23
00:01:25,620 --> 00:01:28,170
What? Why?
24
00:01:28,210 --> 00:01:30,130
I don't know. He said he wanted
to talk to us about something.
25
00:01:30,170 --> 00:01:32,340
Oh, God.
He is so annoying.
26
00:01:32,380 --> 00:01:35,260
Why did you let him
know we were home?
27
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:37,510
Well, once I picked up
and said, "Hello,"
28
00:01:37,550 --> 00:01:40,600
the cat was pretty much
out of the bag.
29
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:41,850
Come on!
What's the big deal?
30
00:01:41,890 --> 00:01:43,770
Let him come over. He said
he had some good news.
31
00:01:43,810 --> 00:01:46,770
He doesn't have good news.
That's just his angle to get
his foot in the door.
32
00:01:46,810 --> 00:01:49,560
Then the next thing you know,
we're talkin' about old times,
we're playing cards,
33
00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:52,440
and he's clamped on me
like a deer tick.
34
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,440
Give him a break.
He's your cousin.
35
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:58,240
What kind of big news
could this be?
36
00:01:58,280 --> 00:01:59,910
Bet you he's gonna
tell us he's gay.
37
00:01:59,950 --> 00:02:01,910
All right,
he doesn't date much,
38
00:02:01,950 --> 00:02:03,740
but he is not gay.
39
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:07,160
Please. He wore leather pants
to a Jet game.
40
00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:08,790
Will you stop it?
He's not gay.
41
00:02:08,830 --> 00:02:10,750
He just called and said
he had some good news.
42
00:02:10,790 --> 00:02:12,750
Uh, excuse me,
if you're gay,
43
00:02:12,790 --> 00:02:15,460
then being gay
is good news. Huh?
44
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,880
Danny, you're
getting married.
45
00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:20,510
Good for you.
46
00:02:20,550 --> 00:02:22,720
Off the market.
Out of commission.
47
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,600
Yeah! Yeah,
I was, uh...
48
00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:25,810
just at work one day,
49
00:02:25,850 --> 00:02:27,680
takin' a Sicilian
pie out of the oven,
50
00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:30,690
when I hear the most
beautiful voice say,
51
00:02:30,730 --> 00:02:33,360
"Can I have
an end piece?"
52
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,780
Truth is, I went in
to use the phone,
53
00:02:35,820 --> 00:02:38,650
but he looked so cute
all covered in flour.
54
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,610
You should see him
covered in pudding.
55
00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:46,660
So when's the big day?
56
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:47,660
Oh, a week from Sunday.
57
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:49,290
Wow!
That's quick.
58
00:02:49,330 --> 00:02:51,540
We'd really love it if
you guys could make it.
59
00:02:51,580 --> 00:02:53,670
Mmm, I can't.
Sunday? Mm-mmm.
60
00:02:53,710 --> 00:02:56,710
I gotta--I gotta
run another 10K.
61
00:03:02,590 --> 00:03:03,680
He's kidding, right?
62
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,350
Yeah, honey,
he's kidding!
63
00:03:05,390 --> 00:03:06,770
He always does this!
64
00:03:06,810 --> 00:03:08,350
Classic Doug story, okay?
65
00:03:08,390 --> 00:03:09,680
One day,
when we were kids,
66
00:03:09,730 --> 00:03:11,520
Doug decided to remove
the wing nuts
67
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,360
from the front wheel
of my bicycle.
68
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:14,520
Long story short...
69
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,980
these are caps!
All caps.
70
00:03:18,610 --> 00:03:21,400
I was fixing it.
Tried to soup it up for you.
71
00:03:21,450 --> 00:03:23,450
Yeah, right, soup it up,
I pedal twice,
72
00:03:23,490 --> 00:03:25,830
the handle bars go like this:
I hit the mailbox.
73
00:03:25,870 --> 00:03:29,540
Next thing you know,
I'm picking up my own Chiclets
off the driveway.
74
00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:30,960
Oh, we laughed.
75
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,540
Yeah. It was fun.
Good times.
76
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,580
Yeah. Good times.
77
00:03:37,670 --> 00:03:39,760
So I'm gonna go--
I'm gonna go see
if the coffee's ready.
78
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,760
-Oh, let me help you, Carrie.
-No, no, no. Sit, sit, sit.
79
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,590
No, come on!
I wanna help.
80
00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:51,600
[BLOWS RHYTHMIC AIR]
81
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:01,400
So she seems, uh,
really very nice, Danny.
82
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:02,740
Yeah.
83
00:04:02,780 --> 00:04:04,030
I gotta tell ya, I was
startin' to wonder
84
00:04:04,070 --> 00:04:06,570
if it was ever gonna
happen for me, you know?
85
00:04:06,620 --> 00:04:07,950
All these years,
I--I would see
86
00:04:07,990 --> 00:04:09,910
what a great thing
you and Doug have.
87
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,910
And I'd think,
"Man...
88
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,830
if I can have
half of that...
89
00:04:14,870 --> 00:04:16,420
I'd be the happiest
pizza-makin'
90
00:04:16,460 --> 00:04:18,460
son of a gun
this side of Dix Hills."
91
00:04:20,420 --> 00:04:22,840
You're gonna make me cry.
92
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:27,890
And that was the last time
I ever threw up from drinkin'.
93
00:04:27,930 --> 00:04:32,350
-Uh-huh.
-I mean, is there anything worse
than the dry heaves? Anything?
94
00:04:32,390 --> 00:04:33,980
Nothing comes to mind.
95
00:04:34,020 --> 00:04:37,810
I mean, I literally
broke blood vessels
in my eyes, as in:
96
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:40,070
-Good evening, Douglas.
-Hey.
97
00:04:40,110 --> 00:04:41,940
And who's this
sweet young thing?
98
00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:44,950
Oh, this is Eva.
Danny's fiancée.
99
00:04:44,990 --> 00:04:46,570
Danny who?
100
00:04:48,030 --> 00:04:49,950
My cousin Danny.
101
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,830
I thought you said
he was a fruitcake.
102
00:04:53,750 --> 00:04:56,330
So, where are you
having this little
shindig, anyway?
103
00:04:56,370 --> 00:04:59,460
Ah, this nice little place
out in Manhasset.
104
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,800
Eva's, uh, maid of honor
is a waitress there,
105
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,590
so she got us
a great deal.
106
00:05:03,630 --> 00:05:04,670
Oh, that's great.
107
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,470
And who's
your best man?
108
00:05:06,510 --> 00:05:09,430
Ha. Oh, I'm not gonna,
uh, I don't-- I don't have one.
109
00:05:09,470 --> 00:05:10,810
You don't have
a best man?
110
00:05:10,850 --> 00:05:12,850
Nah! It's just,
you know...
111
00:05:12,890 --> 00:05:14,390
I wouldn't even know
who to ask.
112
00:05:14,430 --> 00:05:17,480
-Can I help you
with the coffee?
-Yeah, thanks.
113
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,810
Listen, Dan,
I know it's, uh...
114
00:05:19,860 --> 00:05:22,980
it's not any
of my business,
but, uh...
115
00:05:23,030 --> 00:05:24,690
why don't you
ask Doug?
116
00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:26,490
Ahh, he--
he wouldn't do it.
117
00:05:26,530 --> 00:05:27,820
And that's fine.
118
00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:30,580
You know, I--I--I made peace
a long time ago
119
00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:32,540
with the way things
are between us.
120
00:05:32,580 --> 00:05:33,500
And how's that?
121
00:05:33,540 --> 00:05:34,870
Carrie...
122
00:05:34,910 --> 00:05:37,460
I'm not exactly
on the speed dial.
123
00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:39,580
Those are mostly
restaurants.
124
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:46,470
Danny, Doug likes you a
lot more than you think.
125
00:05:46,510 --> 00:05:47,760
Oh, please, I...
126
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,430
he wouldn't wanna do it.
127
00:05:49,470 --> 00:05:50,680
I think
you're wrong.
128
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,560
I think you're wrong.
129
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,600
Uh, you know what?
I'm just gonna stick
130
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:56,690
with the whole no best man
thing, and that's it.
131
00:05:56,730 --> 00:05:58,520
Hey! No big deal.
132
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:00,020
I can carry
my own ring, right?
133
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:03,610
Ha! That's what
pockets are for. Ha ha.
134
00:06:03,650 --> 00:06:06,440
Hey, Danny, you better get
out there. Arthur's putting
the moves on your fiancée.
135
00:06:06,490 --> 00:06:08,660
He's--he's doin' his
old-fashioned muscleman poses.
136
00:06:09,780 --> 00:06:10,950
Thanks for
the heads up.
137
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:14,080
Okay, got the coffee,
got the cake.
138
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,160
We should have 'em outta
here in 20 minutes.
139
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,790
15 if I set
the eating pace.
140
00:06:22,210 --> 00:06:23,840
Bye-bye.
141
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,010
-Um, Doug...
-Yeah?
142
00:06:27,050 --> 00:06:31,090
You know, I was just talkin'
to Danny about the wedding
and stuff, and...
143
00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:32,720
wanna hear something sad?
144
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,010
Yeah.
What have you got?
145
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:38,180
He doesn't have a best man.
146
00:06:38,230 --> 00:06:39,600
Uh-huh.
147
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,150
That's sad.
148
00:06:43,190 --> 00:06:44,820
You don't think that's sad?
149
00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:46,650
I guess it is, but it's
not my problem.
150
00:06:51,570 --> 00:06:53,740
It's not
my problem, is it?
151
00:06:54,620 --> 00:06:55,740
Well...
152
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,540
Did you bring
my name up?
153
00:06:57,580 --> 00:07:02,000
Only to say that you would love
to be his best man.
154
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,880
Car, I can't
believe you!
155
00:07:06,590 --> 00:07:07,590
Why did you do that?
156
00:07:07,630 --> 00:07:10,010
You know what?
This area can close!
157
00:07:13,010 --> 00:07:15,260
Well, Doug, if you could've
just seen his face.
158
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:18,890
I mean, he was so sweet,
and he doesn't have anybody,
159
00:07:18,930 --> 00:07:20,520
and he likes you so much.
160
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,560
He likes me
too much, okay?
161
00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:25,690
It's like single
white Dougie.
162
00:07:27,190 --> 00:07:29,940
Oh, God, why couldn't he
have just been gay?
163
00:07:29,990 --> 00:07:31,860
All right, look,
Doug, relax, okay?
164
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:32,950
'Cause he's not
gonna ask you.
165
00:07:32,990 --> 00:07:34,160
He's afraid
you would say no.
166
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,160
Good.
167
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:37,870
It doesn't mean
you can't ask him.
168
00:07:37,910 --> 00:07:39,040
Okay, first of all,
169
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,000
you don't ask someone
to be a best man.
170
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:42,250
You get asked.
171
00:07:42,290 --> 00:07:43,710
And since
no one's askin',
172
00:07:43,750 --> 00:07:46,670
once again, this area,
shutty shutty.
173
00:07:50,340 --> 00:07:52,970
You know, I would be
lying to you
if I didn't tell you
174
00:07:53,010 --> 00:07:54,970
I'm a little
disappointed in you.
175
00:07:55,010 --> 00:07:56,850
Oh, please.
That's not gonna work.
176
00:07:56,890 --> 00:07:59,020
"I'm a little disappointed
in you."
177
00:08:00,890 --> 00:08:02,940
Big deal. I'm full
of letdowns.
178
00:08:04,310 --> 00:08:06,560
Okay. Would you do me a favor
and take this out?
179
00:08:06,610 --> 00:08:08,070
Mm-hmm.
180
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,530
I don't wanna do it.
181
00:08:19,330 --> 00:08:20,830
Fine.
182
00:08:27,710 --> 00:08:29,250
Carrie, I do a lot of nice
things for a lot of people.
183
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:30,920
I just don't feel like doing
this. You know?
184
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,010
Okay.
185
00:08:37,220 --> 00:08:40,060
Oh, God, now I gotta
write a toast and rent a tux?
186
00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:43,140
You look good
in a tux.
187
00:08:43,180 --> 00:08:44,980
I look like
a limo driver.
188
00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:51,030
But a handsome one.
189
00:08:51,070 --> 00:08:52,860
Why do you do
these things to me?
190
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:53,990
And don't worry,
honey.
191
00:08:54,030 --> 00:08:55,740
I'll help you with
the bachelor party.
192
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:03,080
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
193
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,290
DOUG:I've never madea best-man toast before,
194
00:09:05,330 --> 00:09:07,210
so...I need
a little feedback
195
00:09:07,250 --> 00:09:08,420
just to, you know,
see if I'm headed
196
00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:09,960
in the right direction, okay?
197
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,500
Let her rip.
198
00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:13,550
"What can I say
about my cousin Danny?"
199
00:09:13,590 --> 00:09:15,300
Okay, I gotta stop this.
200
00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:18,260
This is unbearable.
201
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:21,060
Arthur, I only read,
like, 6 words!
202
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:23,350
You're reading!
That's the point!
203
00:09:23,390 --> 00:09:27,100
A speech needs to seep
from your soul.
204
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,520
All right, look, just listen
to the whole thing,
205
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:30,400
then tell me
if it's good or not.
206
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,610
-Okay? Okay.
-Fine! Okay.
207
00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:34,990
"What can I say
about my cousin Danny?
208
00:09:35,030 --> 00:09:37,110
He makes great pizza, and he's
gonna make a great husband.
209
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,660
But I'm sure
all Eva cares about
210
00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:41,330
is that he makes
a lot of dough."
211
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:49,750
All right.
212
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,670
"Danny and I have
known each other
since we were kids,
213
00:09:51,710 --> 00:09:54,630
and I always knew
he'd find somebody special.
214
00:09:54,670 --> 00:09:57,380
And, Eva, well,
you're just gonna
have to settle for Danny."
215
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,760
[CHUCKLES]
216
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,220
"Just kiddin'."
217
00:10:00,260 --> 00:10:04,020
Uh, "Danny, Eva,
I wish you all the best."
218
00:10:05,140 --> 00:10:07,600
-So?
-It stunk! All right?
219
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,650
There, I said it!
220
00:10:09,690 --> 00:10:11,270
Wh-wh-what should I say?
221
00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:13,190
You have
to grab 'em.
222
00:10:13,230 --> 00:10:15,360
Get 'em
on your side!
223
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,780
How do I grab 'em?
224
00:10:16,820 --> 00:10:20,620
Open up by hinting
that you slept
with the bride.
225
00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:22,490
Then pull
a pair of panties
out of your pocket
226
00:10:22,530 --> 00:10:24,370
and give her a little wink.
It kills.
227
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,500
-ARTHUR: Sweetheart.
-Hey, guys.
228
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:30,460
Uh, Doug and I need a
pair of your panties.
229
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:32,540
Dad, I just can't give
you a bigger no.
230
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:37,470
Don't worry, Douglas,
it also works with a girdle.
231
00:10:37,510 --> 00:10:41,260
Yeah, I'm sure it does.
You know what? I'm gonna work
on my own speech. Thanks.
232
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:42,760
What the hell
did you get me into here?
233
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:45,680
I've been working on this stupid
toast for 8 hours.
234
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,480
8 hours? You got
one index card there.
235
00:10:50,190 --> 00:10:52,480
Well, I took some breaks.
236
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,690
So I stopped at Coopers.
Everything's set for
the bachelor party.
237
00:10:54,730 --> 00:10:56,530
All the beer,
wine, sangria
238
00:10:56,570 --> 00:10:58,610
you guys can drink
from 11 to 2 A.M.
239
00:10:58,650 --> 00:11:00,450
All right, good. Well what's
the, uh, what's the damage?
240
00:11:00,490 --> 00:11:02,530
Well, with the food and
everything, about 600 bucks.
241
00:11:02,570 --> 00:11:05,200
Okay. Well, that's not
that bad. I got, uh,
Gianni at the pizza place
242
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:06,490
to give me Danny's,
uh, address book.
243
00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:08,500
So I invited, like,
25 of his friends.
244
00:11:08,540 --> 00:11:12,330
So 600 divided 25,
uh, ways is, uh...
245
00:11:14,420 --> 00:11:17,210
Hey, whatcha got
in the bag?
246
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,380
You are gonna love this.
247
00:11:19,420 --> 00:11:20,680
Are you ready?
248
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,220
Ball and chain.
249
00:11:26,260 --> 00:11:27,390
It's funny, right?
250
00:11:27,430 --> 00:11:29,140
You put it on Danny,
like, "Hey...
251
00:11:29,180 --> 00:11:32,560
no more freedom
for you, buddy boy!"
252
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,440
That's good guy stuff
right there, right?
253
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:39,740
Did you keep
the receipt?
254
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:41,860
Stop it.
255
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,370
Look, honey, I am...
256
00:11:43,410 --> 00:11:44,570
I'm really proud
of you, you know?
257
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:46,700
You're doing something
for your cousin...
258
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:49,410
something you don't
have to do.
259
00:11:49,450 --> 00:11:53,380
Something sweet and kind
and--and beautiful.
260
00:11:53,420 --> 00:11:54,630
Thanks.
261
00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:56,340
Now let's pick out
a stripper.
262
00:11:58,630 --> 00:12:01,760
Hmm? Take a little
look see here.
263
00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:04,430
What you got there?
264
00:12:04,470 --> 00:12:06,550
Magazine with
strippers in it?
265
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:09,770
Yep!
266
00:12:09,810 --> 00:12:11,390
Now, what
do you like?
267
00:12:11,430 --> 00:12:13,770
What floats
your boat?
268
00:12:13,810 --> 00:12:15,150
It's not about
what floats my boat,
269
00:12:15,190 --> 00:12:17,190
you know, because...
270
00:12:17,230 --> 00:12:19,440
you are my boat floater,
you know?
271
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,490
It's...
272
00:12:21,530 --> 00:12:23,570
it's really about what Danny
wants and how he--
273
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:24,610
Yeah, okay. Could you
just pick one, please?
274
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:26,490
Okay, uh, Tiffany Towers,
please.
275
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,540
Her?
276
00:12:31,580 --> 00:12:33,870
Doug, she looks like she
kissed the F-Train.
277
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,170
Pick somebody else.
278
00:12:35,210 --> 00:12:36,670
All right, then, uh...
279
00:12:36,710 --> 00:12:38,710
how--how about her?
280
00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:40,460
Her? What do you
like about her?
281
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:42,720
I don't know. She looks kinda
nasty and mean.
282
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,640
You know, like, she's the head
of some all-girl biker gang
283
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:49,260
that picks me up after
our car breaks down and...
284
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,350
makes me service her and...
285
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,520
all her gang sisters.
286
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,690
Well, we are not
hiring her, okay?
287
00:12:59,730 --> 00:13:02,190
Come on. Make a serious
pick here.
288
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,990
All right, uh,
any of these 3.
289
00:13:05,030 --> 00:13:06,990
These 3? Here?
290
00:13:07,030 --> 00:13:08,830
Yeah. What?
291
00:13:08,870 --> 00:13:11,410
Do you have any
standards at all?
292
00:13:13,830 --> 00:13:15,370
Yeah.
293
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,790
Really? Well,
could you point
294
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:17,920
to one woman here
that you would
295
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,670
not have sex with?
296
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,530
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
297
00:13:51,410 --> 00:13:54,540
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
298
00:13:58,710 --> 00:14:00,590
-Doug?
-Yeah?
299
00:14:00,630 --> 00:14:03,000
It's a foreign transmission.
300
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:05,050
You might wanna go
a little easy on the clutch.
301
00:14:05,090 --> 00:14:07,180
Settle down, I drive
for a living, okay?
302
00:14:07,220 --> 00:14:08,640
Well, I just had it
tuned up...
303
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,930
Would you stop peeking?
No peeking, all right?
304
00:14:10,970 --> 00:14:14,060
Loosen up. Let your
hair down, Agnes.
305
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:16,560
I'm loose.
I'm ready, I'm ready.
306
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,520
Doug, let me ask you
a question.
307
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,770
-What?
-Did Carrie put you up to this?
308
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,900
What? No!
309
00:14:27,740 --> 00:14:30,160
No, no, no, no. She--she
mentioned that you didn't
have a best man.
310
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,870
And I was, like, what up?
311
00:14:31,910 --> 00:14:34,040
Really? I--I mean,
you wanna be here?
312
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,790
Oh, believe me, I wanna be here.
The question is do you
wanna be here?
313
00:14:36,830 --> 00:14:39,000
'Cause tonight's all about
havin' fun, so you in?
314
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:40,500
I--I--I guess. Yeah.
315
00:14:40,540 --> 00:14:43,170
You guess? This is
your bachelor party!
Get crazy! Whoo-hoo!
316
00:14:43,210 --> 00:14:44,670
-Whoo-hoo-hoo!
-There it is!
317
00:14:44,710 --> 00:14:45,920
-Whoo-hoo!
-Whoo-hoo!
318
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,090
Yeah, Danny!
319
00:14:47,130 --> 00:14:49,050
-Pa-poww!
-Oh, you're spitting.
320
00:14:49,090 --> 00:14:52,010
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
321
00:15:05,610 --> 00:15:08,610
Okay, forgot name tags, so why
don't we, uh... go 'round the
room and introduce everybody,
322
00:15:08,650 --> 00:15:11,110
and how you know them
and we'll kick it off
with that. All right?
323
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,820
Okay. Yeah. Uh...
324
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:15,120
Well, this is Gianni.
He--he works for me.
325
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,620
Yeah, how you doin'?
326
00:15:16,660 --> 00:15:20,120
Is this it? 'Cause this
is gonna blow.
327
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:22,880
No, no. No, no.
Doug said there's
a lot more guys coming.
328
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,630
A lot of guys comin'. We're
gonna have a full house tonight.
Full boat. Full boat.
329
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:31,130
So, anyway, uh...
this is, uh, Joe Rubino,
330
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,890
my father-in-law
to be.
331
00:15:34,930 --> 00:15:36,060
Hello.
332
00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:39,480
And, uh...
333
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,060
over here,
this is Klaus.
334
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:44,110
He owns the deli
next to my pizza shop.
335
00:15:44,150 --> 00:15:46,570
Hello.
How is you?
336
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,110
And, uh, last
but not least,
337
00:15:49,150 --> 00:15:51,910
this is, uh, Arthur,
Doug's father-in-law.
338
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:53,280
Gentlemen.
339
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,870
Douglas, do you have some
festivities planned
340
00:15:55,910 --> 00:15:58,240
other than this
meet and greet?
341
00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,210
Yeah, yeah. I got
a lot of stuff.
342
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:01,540
Oh, God,
I almost forgot.
343
00:16:01,580 --> 00:16:02,670
Stogies!
344
00:16:02,710 --> 00:16:04,540
All right, I bought
extras, so, uh...
345
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:05,840
smoke 'em up!
Okay, boys?
346
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:06,880
All right! Okay.
347
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,250
You know what?
Uh, d-d-do you mind
348
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:10,510
if we don't, uh...
light 'em?
349
00:16:10,550 --> 00:16:14,550
It's just my asthma.
I get, uh...
350
00:16:14,590 --> 00:16:15,680
Yeah, okay, um...
351
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,220
all right.
No problem.
352
00:16:17,260 --> 00:16:19,220
That doesn't stop us
from chompin' on 'em,
though, huh?
353
00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:22,520
Yeah, that's a smooth
chomp, yeah.
354
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:23,270
Hey, how 'bout
some music?
355
00:16:23,310 --> 00:16:24,560
Stereo's broken.
356
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:25,860
Okay. Thank you.
357
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,740
Douglas, I'm starting to agree
with the Italian fella.
358
00:16:30,780 --> 00:16:32,570
This is gonna blow.
359
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:42,290
So, Camaro, huh?
360
00:16:42,330 --> 00:16:44,750
So how long
have you been, um...
361
00:16:44,790 --> 00:16:47,840
removing your
clothes for money?
362
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,090
Since my sophomore year
in high school.
363
00:16:50,130 --> 00:16:52,050
Great. That's great.
364
00:16:54,220 --> 00:16:56,760
And, uh, bodyguard guy,
365
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:58,600
what was your name again?
Emil?
366
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,180
-Yeah.
-Emil. Yeah.
367
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,770
-I like your tattoos. Yeah.
-Oh, thank you.
368
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:07,060
Hey, who likes
Lionel Richie?
369
00:17:08,190 --> 00:17:11,320
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
370
00:17:13,110 --> 00:17:15,780
Yeah, Andy, it's Doug Heffernan.
I left you two messages
371
00:17:15,820 --> 00:17:18,370
about Danny's bachelor party.
If you're there, pick up, okay,
buddy?
372
00:17:18,410 --> 00:17:21,660
Pick up, pick up, you there?
Pick it up. Pick it up.
373
00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:24,290
What, are you screening, guy?
Pick it up, pick it up.
374
00:17:24,330 --> 00:17:26,620
[SIGHS]
375
00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:29,960
Yeah, Joe, chug it down,
you warrior.
376
00:17:33,630 --> 00:17:35,840
So, Daniel,
how is your pizza shop?
377
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,300
Oh, it's fine, fine, yeah.
378
00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:40,970
Daniel, are you
happy with your bread guy?
379
00:17:41,010 --> 00:17:43,390
Huh? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
380
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,350
Would you give me his number?
381
00:17:45,390 --> 00:17:49,400
-Can it wait until Monday?
-Of course.
382
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,730
But by Monday.
383
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:59,660
You're invited to a party,
you show up, you dipwad.
384
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:03,620
Kick the crap out of me?
I'll kick more crap out of you.
385
00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:05,000
Yeah!
386
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,210
Par-ty!
387
00:18:09,330 --> 00:18:11,250
This blows.
Where's the broad?
388
00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:13,760
Don't you worry. She'll be here.
You just start stretchin' out.
389
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:14,920
Hey, Doug, if no one else
is showin' up,
390
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,170
can I take
the ball and chain off?
391
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,300
No, no, no,
not yet, okay?
392
00:18:18,340 --> 00:18:21,890
Hey, have you seen
that bride--Eva?
393
00:18:21,930 --> 00:18:25,640
She's a tasty slice of
cheesecake, am I right?
394
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:26,980
Eva's my daughter.
395
00:18:29,060 --> 00:18:31,690
Then you know what
I'm talking about, huh?
396
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:37,740
A car. Okay,
stripper's here.
397
00:18:37,780 --> 00:18:40,200
Stripper's here.
All right, boys,
get your singles ready.
398
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:41,740
Here we go.
399
00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:43,790
Oh, yeah, now we're talking.
400
00:18:43,830 --> 00:18:45,660
That would
be my wife.
401
00:18:47,750 --> 00:18:49,000
Please tell me
you got a stripper.
402
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,000
Relax, I got her.
403
00:18:57,170 --> 00:18:59,340
What the hell is this?
404
00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:01,850
Why is there
a maid here?
405
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,760
I think she's
the stripper.
406
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:07,390
Carrie, what are you doing
to me? This is brutal.
407
00:19:07,430 --> 00:19:10,270
Doug, it was the best I could do
on such short notice.
408
00:19:10,310 --> 00:19:13,150
I'm killing myself here
trying to keep this thing going,
and you show up with...
409
00:19:13,190 --> 00:19:15,730
Hopalong Assidy?
410
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:19,070
Doug, she is still
a very attractive girl, okay?
411
00:19:19,110 --> 00:19:21,870
Just tell the guys
not to look in that area.
412
00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:22,950
Oh, God.
413
00:19:22,990 --> 00:19:24,580
Where are all the guys?
414
00:19:24,620 --> 00:19:26,830
They're not showing
'cause Danny's such
a freakin' loser.
415
00:19:26,870 --> 00:19:29,790
Hey!
416
00:19:29,830 --> 00:19:32,750
[MUSIC PLAYS]
417
00:19:41,380 --> 00:19:43,800
Someone's a dirty boy.
418
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,060
He needs a little dusting.
419
00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:56,400
Excuse me.
420
00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:01,780
Damn it.
I am into this.
421
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,390
-Joe, look alive.
-Huh?
422
00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:33,100
Stripper, man.
You're missing it.
423
00:20:33,140 --> 00:20:37,940
I can't blame him, Douglas.
This is pure torture.
424
00:20:37,980 --> 00:20:41,780
Torture?
What bachelor party
are you at, right?
425
00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:44,570
Yeah, it's riveting.
I'm out of here.
426
00:20:44,610 --> 00:20:47,910
Whoa, Gianni, come on.
I bought a sheet cake.
427
00:20:47,950 --> 00:20:50,040
You guys didn't hear that.
That's later on.
428
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:54,080
You know what?
That's it, that's it.
429
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,330
What are you doing?
430
00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:58,920
I'm going home.
All the facts are in--
431
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,420
loser!
432
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:03,550
All right!
I'll see you at the wedding.
433
00:21:06,430 --> 00:21:09,430
"Oh, I'm so proud of you, Doug.
434
00:21:09,470 --> 00:21:12,270
You're doing something nice
for your cousin.
435
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:18,270
Something kind and sweet
and beautiful."
436
00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:20,070
[FART SOUND]
437
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,820
Okay, so it wasn't
my best idea.
438
00:21:24,860 --> 00:21:27,410
It was the worst bachelor party
I've ever seen.
439
00:21:28,660 --> 00:21:30,870
Make a right after
the Dunkin' Donuts.
440
00:21:39,250 --> 00:21:42,260
Uh, some of you may not
know Eva very well,
441
00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:45,880
but I've had the opportunity
to get close to her.
442
00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:48,680
Real close, if you know
what I mean.
443
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:52,470
Eva, I believe
these are yours.
444
00:21:54,930 --> 00:21:58,270
[ARTHUR LAUGHS]
445
00:22:08,370 --> 00:22:10,910
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
32609
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