All language subtitles for The King of Queens (1999) - S02E09 - I, Candy_track3_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,460 --> 00:00:05,380 [**] 2 00:00:11,550 --> 00:00:13,090 Who are these kids? 3 00:00:15,340 --> 00:00:16,640 What kids? 4 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,390 In this picture. 5 00:00:21,220 --> 00:00:23,140 I don't know. I thought you put 'em up. 6 00:00:24,390 --> 00:00:25,850 No. 7 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:28,570 Well, they probably came in a Christmas card or something. 8 00:00:33,780 --> 00:00:35,780 They don't even look familiar. 9 00:00:35,820 --> 00:00:37,570 Nope. 10 00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:41,540 They look happy, though. The boy's got the little car there. 11 00:00:41,580 --> 00:00:43,540 Yeah, they, they seem nice. 12 00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:45,710 Heh. OK, let's throw 'em out. 13 00:00:45,750 --> 00:00:47,630 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 14 00:00:47,670 --> 00:00:49,380 You can't throw out kids. 15 00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:52,380 -Why not? -What if their parents come by? 16 00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:54,670 So, we have to keep a picture up on our refrigerator 17 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,470 of kids we don't know, in the off chance that their parents, 18 00:00:57,510 --> 00:01:00,100 who we can't remember, will come by and be offended? 19 00:01:01,430 --> 00:01:03,270 Are they hurting anyone up there? 20 00:01:05,890 --> 00:01:07,190 Fine. 21 00:01:07,230 --> 00:01:09,150 I'm putting 'em under a big magnet. 22 00:01:10,690 --> 00:01:13,570 MALE SINGER: *My eyes are gettin' weary* 23 00:01:13,610 --> 00:01:16,240 *My back is gettin' tight* 24 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,240 *I'm sittin' here in traffic* 25 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,120 *On the Queensboro Bridge tonight* 26 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:26,370 *But I don't care 'cause all I wanna do* 27 00:01:26,410 --> 00:01:30,340 *Is cash my check and drive right home to you* 28 00:01:32,210 --> 00:01:34,170 *'Cause, baby, all my life* 29 00:01:34,210 --> 00:01:37,300 *I will be drivin' home to you* 30 00:01:48,690 --> 00:01:51,520 I'm thinking about, uh, starting to use a washcloth. 31 00:01:53,860 --> 00:01:56,280 Carrie got, like, a whole bunch of new ones, you know? 32 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,660 I'm usually, like, a soap-to-skin guy. 33 00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:00,620 I don't know, I might go for it. 34 00:02:00,660 --> 00:02:01,870 Good luck with that. 35 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:06,120 Hey there. I thought you guys might like 36 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,210 a refill on your iced teas. 37 00:02:08,250 --> 00:02:10,630 I love a waitress who's on top of the refills. 38 00:02:10,670 --> 00:02:12,000 On a slightly related note, 39 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,880 I'm gonna go use the rest room. 40 00:02:15,050 --> 00:02:16,920 Well... 41 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,760 guess you liked your potato skins, huh? 42 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:19,880 Ah... 43 00:02:19,930 --> 00:02:21,220 actually, I like any food 44 00:02:21,260 --> 00:02:23,600 that comes in a basket. 45 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:24,510 That, or anything with one of those, like, 46 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:27,020 little toothpick flags in it. 47 00:02:27,060 --> 00:02:28,730 What I'm basically saying is don't take me 48 00:02:28,770 --> 00:02:32,190 to a French restaurant. 49 00:02:32,230 --> 00:02:33,190 Can I get you anything else? 50 00:02:33,230 --> 00:02:34,730 'Cause my shift is almost over. 51 00:02:34,770 --> 00:02:36,650 -No, I'm--I'm good. -Oh, okay. 52 00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:40,070 So I'll just leave the check over here, 53 00:02:40,110 --> 00:02:41,200 and... 54 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:42,910 you can stay as long as you like. 55 00:02:42,950 --> 00:02:44,990 Okay. I'll lock up when I go. 56 00:02:46,370 --> 00:02:48,790 Okay, well, bye. 57 00:02:48,830 --> 00:02:49,790 Bye. 58 00:02:49,830 --> 00:02:52,880 [DRUMMING FINGERS ON TABLE] 59 00:03:15,860 --> 00:03:17,030 Well... 60 00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:19,110 that was interesting. 61 00:03:19,150 --> 00:03:20,240 What was? 62 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,070 Our waitress just asked me 63 00:03:22,110 --> 00:03:23,160 about your situation. 64 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:25,700 Nice work, my man. 65 00:03:25,740 --> 00:03:27,080 Oh, we better get going. I've gotta get back-- 66 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,830 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 67 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:32,670 What did you just say? 68 00:03:32,710 --> 00:03:34,710 She asked about your situation. 69 00:03:34,750 --> 00:03:36,920 I think she has a little thing for you. Come on. 70 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,670 Okay. Hey, you know what? First of all, 71 00:03:38,710 --> 00:03:39,920 stop getting up. 72 00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:44,930 Now, I want you to tell me exactly what she said, 73 00:03:44,970 --> 00:03:47,810 and I want you to tell me very, very slowly. 74 00:03:47,850 --> 00:03:49,180 Okay, okay. Fine. 75 00:03:49,220 --> 00:03:51,730 She said, uh, she thought you were cute 76 00:03:51,770 --> 00:03:53,400 or-or-or a cutie, and then-- 77 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,940 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 78 00:03:54,980 --> 00:03:56,270 Which one? I don't remember. 79 00:03:56,310 --> 00:03:58,320 Well, they're very different. Remember. 80 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,150 Cute. She said you were cute. 81 00:04:00,190 --> 00:04:02,860 All right, that's the good one. 82 00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:04,950 What are you gettin' so worked up about? You're not gonna do anything. 83 00:04:04,990 --> 00:04:06,320 Of course I'm not gonna do anything. 84 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,330 What else did she say? 85 00:04:09,370 --> 00:04:11,250 She said you were cute, and--oh-- 86 00:04:11,290 --> 00:04:12,290 and funny. 87 00:04:12,330 --> 00:04:13,870 Cuteandfunny? 88 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,130 Oh, my God, 89 00:04:15,170 --> 00:04:17,790 I'm the whole package for her. 90 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,840 -Can we go now? -Yeah, we can. 91 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,220 Although she said I could stay as long as I like. 92 00:04:24,010 --> 00:04:25,340 Oh, look at this. 93 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:27,390 Note on the check. We have a note. 94 00:04:27,430 --> 00:04:29,850 Oh, things just keep gettin' better. 95 00:04:30,850 --> 00:04:32,680 "Baskets rule. 96 00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:33,980 Jill." 97 00:04:34,020 --> 00:04:36,980 We had this whole little thing going with baskets. 98 00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:38,310 Sounds magical. 99 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,150 *She was working as a waitress* 100 00:04:43,190 --> 00:04:46,280 *In a cocktail bar* 101 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,200 *That much is true* 102 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:52,700 *Oh, don't you want me?* 103 00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:54,120 *You know I can't believe it* 104 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,170 *When you say that you don't need me* 105 00:04:56,210 --> 00:04:58,960 *Oh, don't you want me?* 106 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,210 -Hey. -Hello. 107 00:05:02,210 --> 00:05:03,470 I'm on the phone with Kelly. 108 00:05:03,510 --> 00:05:05,430 We're trying to figure out which movie to see. 109 00:05:05,470 --> 00:05:08,260 -You're wearing trousers? -Yeah. 110 00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:09,850 Trousers. Slacks. 111 00:05:09,890 --> 00:05:11,390 Fancy pants. 112 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,940 Did you lose all your jeans? 113 00:05:15,980 --> 00:05:18,310 No. I just felt like kickin' it up a notch. 114 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,020 Well, now you're dressed better than me. 115 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:23,230 I have to change. Thank you very much. 116 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,740 Yeah, Kel, I'm still here, sweetie. 117 00:05:25,780 --> 00:05:28,160 Doug is wearing nice pants. 118 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:30,030 I know. It's weird. 119 00:05:31,450 --> 00:05:32,910 I don't know. Let me ask him. 120 00:05:32,950 --> 00:05:34,200 They want to see The Prosecutor. 121 00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:36,460 I saw it with Spence. How aboutFreeze? 122 00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:39,960 [IMITATING DOUG] Um, what aboutFreeze? 123 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,000 Well...ask Deacon. I'll hold on. 124 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,880 Honey, I don't want to seeFreeze. 125 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,380 -Why not? -A whole movie 126 00:05:45,420 --> 00:05:48,010 set in a futuristic ice world? I'm not into it. 127 00:05:48,050 --> 00:05:49,840 Plus I don't like Rosie Perez. 128 00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:52,350 Whoa. 129 00:05:52,390 --> 00:05:53,560 You wearing cologne? 130 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,850 Yeah. I picked some up on the way home. 131 00:05:55,890 --> 00:05:57,770 I think I'm gonna start smellin' better. 132 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:02,400 Well, I hope you don't need to sneak up on anybody. 133 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,070 Hey. 134 00:06:04,110 --> 00:06:06,070 Not nice. Come on. Hmm. 135 00:06:06,110 --> 00:06:07,780 What is up with you tonight? 136 00:06:07,820 --> 00:06:09,360 What? Can't a guy be in a good mood? 137 00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:10,410 Handsome man going out on a date 138 00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:12,490 with his beautiful wife. Huh? 139 00:06:12,530 --> 00:06:14,330 Uh-huh. Get your groove on. 140 00:06:15,950 --> 00:06:16,830 Yeah, I'm still here. 141 00:06:16,870 --> 00:06:18,830 Oh, really? 142 00:06:18,870 --> 00:06:20,170 Deacon sawFreeze. 143 00:06:20,210 --> 00:06:21,790 So we'll see The Prosecutoragain. 144 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,170 -You don't want to see it again. -It's all right. 145 00:06:23,210 --> 00:06:24,960 I'll take a bullet for the group. 146 00:06:26,590 --> 00:06:28,430 Oh, yeah, I'd see that. Okay. 147 00:06:28,470 --> 00:06:31,090 What about, uh, Population Zero? 148 00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:32,930 Population, me. 149 00:06:34,390 --> 00:06:36,850 I think he just said yes. 150 00:06:36,890 --> 00:06:39,100 Okay. We'll meet you at the Midway at 8:00. 151 00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:40,980 Okay, sweetie. Bye. 152 00:06:41,020 --> 00:06:42,560 Good evening. 153 00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:44,230 Well, you kids look nice. 154 00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:45,320 What, are you gettin' on a plane? 155 00:06:48,150 --> 00:06:49,450 Just going to see a movie. 156 00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:50,910 Ah, the cinema. 157 00:06:50,950 --> 00:06:54,370 America's ongoing love affair with the motion picture. 158 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,250 Do you, uh, you have any plans, Dad? 159 00:06:58,290 --> 00:07:00,290 Oh, well, I did have plans with my friend Len, 160 00:07:00,330 --> 00:07:02,420 but he's having chest pains. 161 00:07:02,460 --> 00:07:04,540 On the bright side, now I have a chance 162 00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:08,170 to put the soy sauce packets into one larger bottle. 163 00:07:08,210 --> 00:07:09,840 Have a nice night. 164 00:07:10,630 --> 00:07:12,430 Would you like to join us? 165 00:07:12,470 --> 00:07:16,310 Well, this is pretty last-minute, but sure, why not? 166 00:07:16,350 --> 00:07:17,390 What are you seeing? 167 00:07:17,430 --> 00:07:18,890 Population Zero. 168 00:07:18,930 --> 00:07:20,350 Seen it. 169 00:07:26,190 --> 00:07:27,480 How ya doin'? 170 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,530 Hey... 171 00:07:32,070 --> 00:07:33,450 Slow your roll, player. 172 00:07:34,950 --> 00:07:37,330 Why won't you listen to me? This is a lousy movie! 173 00:07:37,370 --> 00:07:39,040 We're seeing it, Dad. 174 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,580 I'll tell you the surprise ending right now. 175 00:07:41,620 --> 00:07:44,960 Do it, and I'll giveyou a surprise ending. 176 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,090 So noted. 177 00:07:47,380 --> 00:07:49,130 -Hey, babe, you want popcorn? -Yes, thank you. 178 00:07:49,170 --> 00:07:50,420 We'll get seats. 179 00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,180 What you got on? 180 00:07:58,220 --> 00:07:59,970 Cologne? 181 00:08:00,020 --> 00:08:01,100 Yeah. It's Drakkar. 182 00:08:01,140 --> 00:08:03,230 It's a citrusy, masculine scent. 183 00:08:03,270 --> 00:08:04,310 I know what Drakkar is. 184 00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:06,230 I wore it in high school. 185 00:08:07,230 --> 00:08:08,530 Hey there. 186 00:08:08,570 --> 00:08:09,530 Large popcorny corn 187 00:08:09,570 --> 00:08:12,070 and a mineral water, por favor. 188 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:20,540 All right. Food in a bucket, you know what I'm sayin'? 189 00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:21,620 You know. 190 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:26,380 Well, well, well, 191 00:08:26,420 --> 00:08:29,300 if it isn't Mr. Chest Pains. 192 00:08:29,340 --> 00:08:30,510 What? 193 00:08:30,550 --> 00:08:32,090 The man who couldn't go out tonight 194 00:08:32,130 --> 00:08:33,300 because he had chest pains 195 00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:34,970 is sitting 4 rows ahead of us. 196 00:08:35,010 --> 00:08:37,180 Excuse me. 197 00:08:37,220 --> 00:08:38,510 Take care of business, Dad. 198 00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:42,060 So I heard your boy got a little compliment today. 199 00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:43,480 -Huh? -Deacon told me 200 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:44,980 what happened at Cooper's. 201 00:08:45,020 --> 00:08:47,310 -Doug didn't tell you? -No. 202 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,070 Apparently some new cute waitress 203 00:08:49,110 --> 00:08:50,610 asked about his situation. 204 00:08:50,650 --> 00:08:52,570 Oh, really? 205 00:08:52,610 --> 00:08:55,160 Oh, so that's why he's been acting like this. 206 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,080 Okay, trouser man. 207 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:01,660 Claims he felt better 208 00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:03,000 and he tried to call me. 209 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,750 Hah! Like I'm supposed to believe that? 210 00:09:05,790 --> 00:09:07,080 Lennie! 211 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,380 Enjoy the movie. 212 00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:10,500 By the way, the lab chief turns out to be a robot, 213 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,760 and the bomb is inside him! 214 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,670 -Aww! Shh! -Shut up! 215 00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:19,970 -Hey. -Hey. 216 00:09:20,010 --> 00:09:21,770 -Here you go, Sweetie. -Thanks. 217 00:09:21,810 --> 00:09:23,180 Here you are, sweet thing. 218 00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:25,440 No, you're the sweet thing. 219 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:28,270 What's up? No candy? 220 00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:30,020 No, I just got a mineral water. 221 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,320 I'm gonna try and drop a few. 222 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:34,320 Uh-huh. Good for you. 223 00:09:39,030 --> 00:09:42,410 MAN [ON SCREEN]:In war, sometimes the first to die 224 00:09:42,450 --> 00:09:45,210 are the ones who least deserve to. 225 00:09:45,250 --> 00:09:46,710 [GUNFIRE] 226 00:09:46,750 --> 00:09:48,420 WOMAN [ON SCREEN]:My baby! 227 00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:50,290 My baby! 228 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:53,380 -[GUNFIRE] -[INDISTINCT SHOUTING] 229 00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:56,130 Doug? 230 00:09:56,170 --> 00:09:58,390 A baby just exploded. 231 00:09:58,430 --> 00:10:00,430 Why are you smiling? 232 00:10:00,470 --> 00:10:01,600 Oh, no, no. I'm not, I'm not. 233 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:02,600 It's sad. 234 00:10:05,350 --> 00:10:07,100 WOMAN [ON SCREEN]:Kill me too! 235 00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:11,360 Kill me too, you bastards! 236 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,540 How was that? 237 00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:25,950 It was fantastic. 238 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,830 Ow! 239 00:10:29,870 --> 00:10:31,580 What the hell is that for? 240 00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:34,130 Kelly told me about your little thing with the waitress. 241 00:10:34,170 --> 00:10:36,010 Were you planning on telling me? 242 00:10:36,050 --> 00:10:37,760 I don't know, uh... 243 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,760 you're not jealous, are you? 244 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,640 No. It has nothing to do with the girl. 245 00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,930 It's you. Obviously this thing 246 00:10:43,970 --> 00:10:46,020 has turned your whole world upside down. 247 00:10:46,060 --> 00:10:47,640 What? It has not. 248 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,730 Oh, please. The nice pants, the cologne, 249 00:10:49,770 --> 00:10:52,150 -the great sex. -Oh... 250 00:10:52,190 --> 00:10:54,690 first of all, the sex was not that good. 251 00:10:54,730 --> 00:10:57,070 -You were great. -I disagree. 252 00:10:57,110 --> 00:10:58,450 -Doug-- -Look, I was-- 253 00:10:58,490 --> 00:10:59,860 my moves were clumsy, 254 00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:02,450 I was all over the place. I was out of control. 255 00:11:02,490 --> 00:11:06,240 How you got any pleasure out of it is a complete mystery. 256 00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:08,250 Come on, you were good. Just admit it. 257 00:11:08,290 --> 00:11:10,170 Just admit that you were good. 258 00:11:10,210 --> 00:11:11,920 I was all right. 259 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,750 I was pretty good. 260 00:11:13,790 --> 00:11:15,750 Ow! 261 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,090 Look, I don't feel like I have anything 262 00:11:17,130 --> 00:11:18,720 to apologize for here, Carrie. 263 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,180 All right, a woman was attracted to me. 264 00:11:20,220 --> 00:11:22,470 You know I would never act on it. 265 00:11:22,510 --> 00:11:24,760 So what? You know, it made me feel good about myself, 266 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,930 so I slapped on some cologne and made you wake the neighbors. 267 00:11:26,970 --> 00:11:28,270 Big deal. 268 00:11:28,310 --> 00:11:30,600 Doug, how do you think that makes me feel? 269 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,650 I mean, I am attracted to you. 270 00:11:32,690 --> 00:11:33,940 I married you. 271 00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:36,730 I promised to love you until the day I die. 272 00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,150 Why doesn't any of that make you walk around 273 00:11:38,190 --> 00:11:39,940 with a stupid grin on your face? 274 00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:41,950 Because you're already a given. 275 00:11:41,990 --> 00:11:43,780 You know? You're already... 276 00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:45,280 part of the wonderful tapestry 277 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:46,700 that is my life. 278 00:11:47,950 --> 00:11:49,120 So that's what I am? 279 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,250 -I'm tapestry? -No. You see, no... 280 00:11:51,290 --> 00:11:52,920 Tapestry is good. 281 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,290 It's woven on a loom. 282 00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:58,050 You know? Loom, you understand? Loom? 283 00:11:59,550 --> 00:12:01,260 No, I don't understand, Doug. 284 00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:02,590 I mean, you don't see me acting like this, 285 00:12:02,630 --> 00:12:03,890 and believe me, I could. 286 00:12:03,930 --> 00:12:06,140 I mean, strangers check me out all the time. 287 00:12:06,180 --> 00:12:08,930 I get my ass touched on the subway every day. 288 00:12:08,970 --> 00:12:11,850 Well, then, you should wash your ass when you get home. 289 00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:16,730 Okay. My point is, 290 00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,860 it has no effect on me. 291 00:12:18,900 --> 00:12:21,780 Yeah, that's because it happens to you all the time. 292 00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:24,200 I never get my ass touched on the subway. 293 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:25,450 Well, you know what? 294 00:12:25,490 --> 00:12:28,580 Hello! Got my ass touched on the subway of life. 295 00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:30,790 And it is a big deal to me. 296 00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:32,000 Fine. You know what? 297 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:33,330 If a stupid little comment 298 00:12:33,370 --> 00:12:35,920 from some bimbo waitress gets you all revved up, 299 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,670 then God bless. 300 00:12:37,710 --> 00:12:38,750 Oh, I--I see how it works. 301 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,170 'Cause it's me, it's just gotta be 302 00:12:40,210 --> 00:12:43,090 some stupid little comment, right? Yeah? 303 00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:45,680 Well, then why did she take the time to leave a note, huh? 304 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,050 -A note? -Yeah, on the check. 305 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,850 Yeah. Note. 306 00:12:48,890 --> 00:12:51,850 And what did this little note say, 307 00:12:51,890 --> 00:12:52,980 "Way to eat"? 308 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,730 No. You're way off. 309 00:12:56,770 --> 00:12:59,190 It said, "Baskets rule. Jill." 310 00:12:59,230 --> 00:13:01,360 Then she drew a little smiley face. 311 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,360 Ooh. A smiley face. 312 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,610 That mean Jill happy. 313 00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:10,660 I--I don't want to talk about this anymore, Carrie. 314 00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:11,660 If you can't be supportive 315 00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:13,200 about another woman liking me, 316 00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:15,250 then this conversation's over. 317 00:13:17,210 --> 00:13:18,790 Fine. You know what? 318 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,050 Go out there and get your little compliments, 319 00:13:21,090 --> 00:13:22,630 your little smiley faces. 320 00:13:22,670 --> 00:13:24,170 You know what? Enjoy 'em. 321 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,220 Why don't you start dressing 322 00:13:25,260 --> 00:13:26,970 a little bit more provocatively, huh? 323 00:13:27,010 --> 00:13:28,850 -Show a little cleavage? -Yeah, maybe I will. 324 00:13:28,890 --> 00:13:30,060 -Well, great! -You know what, Carrie? 325 00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:31,720 I'm a delicious piece of man meat, 326 00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:33,770 and you're just gonna have to learn to deal with it. 327 00:13:37,270 --> 00:13:38,860 I'm electric. 328 00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:46,070 DEACON: Come on, man, what are we doing back here? 329 00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:47,360 We're getting some burgers, we're gonna watch 330 00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,910 the Florida-Nebraska game. 331 00:13:48,950 --> 00:13:50,740 That's what we're doing here. 332 00:13:52,830 --> 00:13:55,410 Is she working today? 333 00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:56,250 I don't know. I didn't make 334 00:13:56,290 --> 00:13:57,750 this week's schedule. 335 00:13:58,790 --> 00:14:01,090 Oh, here we go. Showtime. 336 00:14:01,130 --> 00:14:02,840 Y'all. 337 00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:06,880 I think I'm goin' for the ribs. 338 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:09,890 Oh, yeah? You're goin' for the ribs? 339 00:14:09,930 --> 00:14:10,890 You into ribs? 340 00:14:10,930 --> 00:14:13,720 You're doin' rib-eyes? 341 00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:14,850 You gonna do the ribs? The ribs. 342 00:14:14,890 --> 00:14:16,690 Gimme a little high five on the rib-eye! 343 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:19,940 You want to high-five ribs? 344 00:14:19,980 --> 00:14:21,270 No, I don't want a high-five ribs. 345 00:14:21,310 --> 00:14:22,650 [VOCALIZES] 346 00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:27,900 Hey, Steve, what's up, man? 347 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,700 Stevie! Hey, freak show, what are you doin'? 348 00:14:29,740 --> 00:14:30,950 What, you drinkin' beer over there? 349 00:14:30,990 --> 00:14:33,450 -I have those pants, too. -Hey, Doug. 350 00:14:33,490 --> 00:14:35,040 Got the same-- 351 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,290 -Hey there. -Hey. I'll be right with you. 352 00:14:37,330 --> 00:14:38,790 "Right with you"? That's all I get? 353 00:14:38,830 --> 00:14:40,960 It's like I'm just a customer. 354 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,880 You are just a customer. 355 00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:44,460 She asked about my situation. 356 00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:46,050 And I told her you were married. 357 00:14:46,090 --> 00:14:47,260 Excuse me. 358 00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:50,220 Am I not still cute? Am I not still funny? 359 00:14:50,260 --> 00:14:51,340 Oh, I'm sorry I made you wait, guys, 360 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:52,970 but it's crazy here today. 361 00:14:53,010 --> 00:14:54,970 -What can I get you? -I'll have the ribs and a coke. 362 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:56,310 Okay. And for you? 363 00:14:56,350 --> 00:14:58,140 I'll, uh, have a burger and fries. 364 00:14:58,180 --> 00:15:00,810 And, uh--hey, make sure it comes in a basket. 365 00:15:00,850 --> 00:15:01,980 -Oh, yeah, right. -DOUG: Right? 366 00:15:02,020 --> 00:15:03,020 Remember? 'Cause baskets rule. 367 00:15:03,060 --> 00:15:04,730 They rule. 368 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:11,910 I--I don't get this. 369 00:15:11,950 --> 00:15:13,320 What did you expect to happen? 370 00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:15,200 I don't know. Carrie was just so... 371 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:16,750 about the whole thing, like... 372 00:15:16,790 --> 00:15:18,040 no hot girl could ever be into me, 373 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,790 that I just want to... come down here and... 374 00:15:20,830 --> 00:15:22,000 And what? 375 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:23,750 I don't know. Prove to myself 376 00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:26,880 that I still got the juice, the heat, the yuspa-a-a... 377 00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:29,880 [MAN AND JILL LAUGHING] 378 00:15:31,970 --> 00:15:33,140 Okay, now she's laughing with an ugly guy. 379 00:15:33,180 --> 00:15:34,890 What the hell is this crap about? 380 00:15:39,390 --> 00:15:40,770 Hey, whoa, whoa. Where you going? 381 00:15:40,810 --> 00:15:42,100 I'm gonna see if he got a note. 382 00:15:44,230 --> 00:15:46,520 Hey, man, did you get overcharged for your soda? 383 00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:48,990 'Cause we did, and, uh... 384 00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:51,030 "Happy Mozzarella Trails"? 385 00:15:51,070 --> 00:15:52,910 "Jill"? 386 00:15:52,950 --> 00:15:54,240 Note slut. 387 00:15:58,790 --> 00:16:00,040 CARRIE: Okay. 388 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,870 Which one of these skankaroos 389 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,170 do you think is Jill? 390 00:16:04,210 --> 00:16:07,210 I cannot wait to see this winner. 391 00:16:07,250 --> 00:16:08,920 She's gonna be bru-tal. 392 00:16:10,550 --> 00:16:12,430 Oh, oh, maybe that's her. 393 00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:13,470 Oh, no, no. That's not her. 394 00:16:13,510 --> 00:16:15,050 She's been here for a while. 395 00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,850 Although she is a skankaroo. 396 00:16:18,470 --> 00:16:19,520 Oh. 397 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,230 What about her? Her? 398 00:16:21,270 --> 00:16:22,440 Hello. 399 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,810 We can see your pantylines. 400 00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:26,520 Okay? Little tip-- 401 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,070 invest in a full-length mirror, 402 00:16:28,110 --> 00:16:29,400 and turn around in it. 403 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,030 Oh, stop it. 404 00:16:31,070 --> 00:16:32,400 I'm sorry to keep you waiting. 405 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,410 Hi. I'm Jill. 406 00:16:34,450 --> 00:16:37,080 Wow. You are really attractive. 407 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:38,540 Oh, thank you. 408 00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,830 Um, you guys ready to order? 409 00:16:40,870 --> 00:16:42,960 No, don't think we are, Jill. 410 00:16:44,540 --> 00:16:46,080 Why don't you write someone a note 411 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,790 with a little smiley face on it, 412 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,420 and then maybe I'll be ready. Okay? 413 00:16:49,460 --> 00:16:51,380 Okay. Um... 414 00:16:51,420 --> 00:16:52,800 just let me know. 415 00:16:54,590 --> 00:16:56,800 Wow! Did you see the attitude on that one? 416 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,930 Out of control. 417 00:16:58,970 --> 00:17:01,310 Wow! 418 00:17:01,350 --> 00:17:03,100 I actually thought she was pretty sweet. 419 00:17:03,140 --> 00:17:04,520 Sweet, huh? 420 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,270 Oh, I see she's cast her little spell 421 00:17:06,310 --> 00:17:08,110 on you, too, now, hmm? 422 00:17:08,150 --> 00:17:09,570 Girl, you gotta stop now. 423 00:17:09,610 --> 00:17:12,150 No. I don't need to stop. I am fine. 424 00:17:12,190 --> 00:17:13,320 You are not fine. You're right. 425 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:14,900 I'm not fine. Why am I not fine? 426 00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,530 I am not sure. I mean, you know that Doug 427 00:17:16,570 --> 00:17:17,870 is not gonna fool around, right? 428 00:17:17,910 --> 00:17:19,280 Of course not. 429 00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:20,580 So what is it? 430 00:17:22,950 --> 00:17:24,910 Everything was fine until he got checked out. 431 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,130 Why did he have to get checked out? 432 00:17:27,170 --> 00:17:28,590 Why is that such a problem? 433 00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,090 Because, you know, 434 00:17:30,130 --> 00:17:32,300 Doug was always, like, the funny one, you know? 435 00:17:32,340 --> 00:17:34,130 The guy who makes everybody laugh at parties. 436 00:17:34,170 --> 00:17:35,510 And I was the one who got checked out. 437 00:17:35,550 --> 00:17:37,470 Now he's getting checked out, too? 438 00:17:37,510 --> 00:17:39,140 I mean, he's got it all! 439 00:17:41,220 --> 00:17:42,430 So you're unhappy because your husband 440 00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:43,600 is funny and hot? 441 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:46,900 Yes. 442 00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:55,240 Douglas, hello. 443 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,160 Hey. 444 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,410 Why so glum, chum? 445 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:03,500 Long story. 446 00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:05,160 Well, fortunately, I have nowhere to be 447 00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:07,250 for the next 8 1/2 days. 448 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,340 Ah... 449 00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:14,170 I'm just an idiot. 450 00:18:14,210 --> 00:18:16,970 Some waitress asked about my "situation," 451 00:18:17,010 --> 00:18:18,550 so for a day I was walking around here 452 00:18:18,590 --> 00:18:21,140 like I was hot crap. 453 00:18:22,510 --> 00:18:23,600 Ah, it's a powerful tonic 454 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:25,890 when a member of the fairer sex 455 00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:28,900 casts an admiring glance in your direction. 456 00:18:31,150 --> 00:18:32,400 Big knockers? 457 00:18:44,740 --> 00:18:46,120 Don't feel too badly, Douglas. 458 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,420 The same thing happened to me once. 459 00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:49,670 Really? 460 00:18:49,710 --> 00:18:51,290 Sure. 461 00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:52,710 Many years ago, I was at a party 462 00:18:52,750 --> 00:18:56,920 where I encountered a beautiful young starlet. 463 00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:58,380 She had just finished shootingPicnic 464 00:18:58,430 --> 00:19:00,680 with William Holden. 465 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,350 She played... 466 00:19:02,390 --> 00:19:04,430 "Girl with Watermelon." 467 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,600 I think you know who I'm talking about. 468 00:19:10,730 --> 00:19:13,610 I'm sorry, I have no idea. 469 00:19:13,650 --> 00:19:15,610 Oh, you'll know when I say the name... 470 00:19:15,650 --> 00:19:17,440 Phyllis McCrane? 471 00:19:21,030 --> 00:19:22,120 Still nothin'. 472 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:26,620 One of the McCrane sisters? 473 00:19:27,580 --> 00:19:28,580 Oh, yeah. 474 00:19:28,620 --> 00:19:30,040 Phyllis and the other one. 475 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,250 -The other two. -The other two. Right. 476 00:19:32,290 --> 00:19:33,500 Well, anyway, it seems as though 477 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:34,590 Phyllis was flirting with me 478 00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:37,210 throughout the entire party. 479 00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:38,470 But she wasn't. 480 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:40,380 Oh, she certainly was. 481 00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:43,090 We wound up making love in her beach house 482 00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:44,510 till the sun came up. 483 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,020 Why are you telling me this? 484 00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:48,520 It's not even close to what happened to me. 485 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,190 Hey! Just because you whiffed, 486 00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:51,640 don't take it out on me! 487 00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:06,410 Hey, sexy. 488 00:20:06,450 --> 00:20:07,740 Yeah, I am, okay? 489 00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:09,290 What, exactly, about me does it for you? 490 00:20:09,330 --> 00:20:11,040 What lights you up? 491 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,170 What is it, that I can burp on command, or... 492 00:20:14,210 --> 00:20:17,170 the way my stomach jiggles when I brush my teeth? 493 00:20:20,670 --> 00:20:22,470 What happened to you? 494 00:20:22,510 --> 00:20:24,010 You were-- you were right. 495 00:20:24,050 --> 00:20:25,300 You know? 496 00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:26,470 I was back down at Cooper's, 497 00:20:26,510 --> 00:20:27,640 and that-- 498 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,140 that waitress wouldn't even look at me. 499 00:20:29,180 --> 00:20:31,480 She couldn't have cared less. 500 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,060 I got no heat. I got no juice. 501 00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:34,520 I got nothin'. 502 00:20:35,610 --> 00:20:37,150 Doug, I wasn't right. 503 00:20:37,190 --> 00:20:40,650 -You were. -No. I was wrong. 504 00:20:40,690 --> 00:20:42,650 I bet the only reason why Jill isn't into you anymore 505 00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,320 is because she knows you're married. 506 00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:45,660 You're off the market. 507 00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:47,490 Ah... 508 00:20:47,530 --> 00:20:49,540 Doug, you are hot. 509 00:20:49,580 --> 00:20:51,790 People ask about you all the time. 510 00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:55,380 -Like who? -A secretary from my office. 511 00:20:56,330 --> 00:20:57,340 Andrea? 512 00:20:57,380 --> 00:20:58,800 No. Jeff. 513 00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:04,510 What? 514 00:21:04,550 --> 00:21:05,680 Jeff? 515 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,550 Yes! Gay people have great taste. 516 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,390 They're very body conscious. 517 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:12,270 It's all about the body for them. 518 00:21:13,350 --> 00:21:16,600 -That's true. -Mm-hmm. 519 00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,770 So...why don't we both admit 520 00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:21,690 that we, uh, we got a little carried away and... 521 00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:23,070 just move on? 522 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,160 Okay, you're right. I love you. 523 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:28,370 Mm. 524 00:21:28,410 --> 00:21:30,290 -I love you, too, sweetheart. -Come here. 525 00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:32,080 -Mmm! -Mmm! 526 00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:42,550 So...what exactly did Jeff say? 527 00:21:49,220 --> 00:21:50,680 [RING] 528 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:51,970 WOMAN [ON PHONE]:You've reached the McCrane sisters. 529 00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:53,930 -*Phyllis* -*Vivien* 530 00:21:53,980 --> 00:21:55,600 *Theodora* 531 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:59,270 ALL [ON PHONE]: *Leave a message at the be-e-ep* 532 00:21:59,310 --> 00:22:00,690 [BEEP] 533 00:22:00,730 --> 00:22:02,110 ARTHUR [ON PHONE]:Phyllis, it's Biffy Spooner 534 00:22:02,150 --> 00:22:04,110 from 44 years ago. 535 00:22:04,150 --> 00:22:06,650 Give me a ringy-ding back. 536 00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:09,740 [**] 36999

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