All language subtitles for The King of Queens (1999) - S02E04 - Parent Trapped_track3_[eng]

[CARTOON PLAYING ON TV]

Hey, it's almost 11:00.
You ready to go?

Shh.

Doug, you've seen this
a hundred times. We're late.

Shha-shha-shha.

Ha ha ha.

Hey, the tortoise
beat Bugs Bunny.

Who'd-a thunk it?

Hey, it's not about who wins,
it's the journey.

Hey, is this for me?

We're on our way to see Deacon
and Kelly's new baby,

and the paper says
"baby" all over it,

but, yes,
it's for you.

Do you have to build yourself up
by tearing me down?

Yes, now let's go!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what about for Kirby?

Huh?

Aren't you supposed to get
something for the other kid

when the new kid is born
so he doesn't get jealous

and poke the baby
in the soft spot?

You're right.
Shoot.

You know what?
We don't have time to stop.

Maybe I can
find him something

in our stash of crappy gifts
people gave us.

This opens up? Wow.

Okay, let me see what we
got here for the little fella.

Bottle of Harvey's
Bristol Cream. That's wrong.

Flavored body oils, wronger.

Here we go,
beaded car seat.

It's got beads.
Kids love to sit.

Okay, I'll take it
from here, Butch.

Well, time for work.
The pretzel store awaits.

Off to the salt mines,
huh?

I don't follow.

It's just an expression, plus
you work in a pretzel store.

Pretzels have salt.

Well, that's 10 seconds of
my life I'm never getting back.

Hey, uh, Dad,
what's with the briefcase?

Oh. Just picked up a few things
at the five and dime

to make my work space
more enjoyable.

I got this Garfield
paper weight,

some fake doggy poop,

and this novelty troll statue

with purple hair.

Oh, Dad, that's great!

I'll give you
five bucks for this.

Fifty.

You want 50 bucks
for this?

You seem very eager.

OK, this is a troll,

and I am your daughter.

I know the difference.

Five bucks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

How much for the, uh, poop?

Not for sale.

MALE SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

[**]

He's just so little.

Although he probably felt
like a holiday ham

when you had
to squeeze him out, huh?

Girl, you know I was numb
from the eyebrows down.

So, uh, Major, huh?

Yep. That was my grandfather's
name, too. Major Palmer.

I like it. You know,
it's very dignified,

like Colonel Sanders
or Captain Crunch.

It's my kid.

Sorry.

Deacon, honey, can you
bring me a cloth diaper?

You got it.

Here you go.

Thanks, baby.

Ho! Feeding time.

What's the matter,
Doug?

What--nothing,
what--nothing.

Oh, I'm sorry, Doug, is this
making you uncomfortable?

Is what making me uncomfortable?
Because I'm comfortable, okay?

Because I could feed him
in the other room.

Oh, that?
Are you kidding me?

That's natural,
you know.

In fact, hey, Major,
save some for me.

You can relax, Doug,
he's not even hungry.

Hey, listen, we wanted to talk
to you guys about something.

Sure. What's up?

Well, Major's christening
is coming up,

and part of that whole
thing is

that we have to pick
godparents for him.

And we've been going crazy
this week trying to figure out

you know, should they be
relatives, friends,

older, younger, I mean,
should they be black,

should they
have kids of their own,

you know, all that
kind of stuff.

Anyway...

we picked you guys.

Us? Really?

Wow, that's--wow.

We are so touched.

It's a symbolic thing,
mostly, you know,

being at all the special
occasions, that kind of stuff.

Uh-huh.

Well, and there's
one other thing.

What?

Well, you know, if anything
happens to me and Deacon,

you'd sort of step in
and raise the boys.

Oh. Uh-huh.

So you want to think about it
for a while, or--

What, are you you kidding me?
Sign us up!

Yeah?

Yeah, man, we are in.

In like Flynn, or Flynt--
whichever. Right, hon? Come on.

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah.

That's great.

Thank you guys
so much.

Thank us? Thank you!
Get in here. Gosh!

Okay, yeah, I'll be there
in the morning.

[GROANS]
Hey, Kenny,

I've got a problem
with my other store.

Can you run the show here
for a couple of days?

Uh, I don't think so.

I've got band practice
all this week, you know,

and they said if we're really
good, there's a chance we--

Great story, thanks.

Rita, think you could run
the place for a few days?

Yes?

Yes?

-No.
-No.

Never mind. [SIGHS]

Arthur?

Yes, sir?

All right,
Arthur, at ease.

Look, I'm gonna be
out for a few days,

and I'm gonna put you
in charge, all right?

Really? Well,
thank you, sir.

I appreciate
the vote of confidence.

I assure you I'll rise
to the challenge.

Yeah, all right,
whatever.

Just make sure you keep
everything running normally.

Hold on.

"Everything running..."

What was it?

Normally.

"Normally."

Got it.

Look, I'm sorry, Carrie.
I didn't know

what you want me to say.

I just don't understand why you
were so quick to say yes.

I don't know. I guess I was
just honored that they asked us.

It seemed like
a nice compliment.

Compliment?

When someone says
"You have nice eyes,"

that's a compliment.

When they say,
"Will you raise our kids

if we're
ever squashed,"

that's something to think
about for 5 minutes.

Is this tuna fish
or cake?

Doug, can you
focus, please?

What? I'm focused.

Okay, what if, God forbid,
something did happen

to Deacon and Kelly?

Are you really ready
to raise 2 kids?

Nothing's gonna
happen to them.

What if, God forbid,
something did?

-Nothing will.
-No, no?

You want to tell the kids on
Party of Fivethat? Hmm?

Touché. Okay.

All right, you know,
if, God forbid,

something happened to them,

I guess we'd just have
to deal with it.

Well, that's a lot
to deal with.

I know, but if,
God forbid--

All right,
you know what?

Let's ease up
on the God forbids.

Second of all,
I gotta tell you,

I don't know if
I'm ready to raise

somebody else's
children.

You're ready.

No, Doug, having kids of
our own i-is scary to me.

I mean,
if we have 2 kids,

and then we get
their 2 kids, that's 4.

4 human beings
whose futures

are in our hands
all at once.

That's a massive
responsibility.

Plus all the noise.

Look,
I'll tell you what.

If something happens
to Deacon and Kelly,

I'll take full responsibility
for the kids, okay?

I'll feed them, I'll bathe
them, everything. All me.

Like the dog?

All right,
it's not gonna work.

All right...

Well,
I don't know what to do

because we already
said yes.

No, you said yes.

[MOCKING] In like Flynt,
in like Flynt.

All right,
all right, you see,

you really wouldn't
be good with children.

You're mean.

All right, so what are
we gonna do here?

Well, if it's up to me, I'd go
through with it, all right?

Look, if you don't want to,
we just have to...

go back over there
tomorrow and tell them.

Oy,that's gonna be
a fun night.

Hey, remember that thing
about raising your kids

if they're ever
orphaned and helpless?

Well, gotta give you
a big fat no. Buh-bye!

It's meat loaf.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey!

-Hey!
-What's up?

Major,
look who's here.

It's
your godparents.

That's okay. Just call us
Doug and Carrie.

So what's going on?
What are you guys doing here?

Oh, we're just coming
back from a thing.

Just thought we'd
stop by and say hi.

-Oh, great.
-But we can't stay long,

'cause we got another thing
right after that.

Yeah, it's just one
thing after another.

Hey, as long as the baby's up,
let's grab a picture.

-Oh! Great idea.
-No, because my hair's--

Kirby, Doug
and Carrie are here.

KIRBY: Yaaay!

Yeah--yay! Yeah.

Everybody say
"godparents."

BOTH: Godparents.

Oh, that's great,
we'll make you a copy.

You guys want an 8x10?

Uh, no, no,
that's way too big.

Yeah, yeah, small one,
small one.

So, as long
as we're here, um,

we kind of need to talk
to you guys about something.

Sure. What's up?

Yeah, what's going on?

Well, we were just at home,
and we were talking about it,

and we were just
kind of thinking...

Thinking that...

Well, first of all,
right off the bat,

let me just tell you something,
we love your kids.

-Love 'em.
-Love 'em.

I mean, this one here,
he's a champ,

and Major, even though we don't
know him too well yet, uh,

-gives off a good vibe.
-Yeah.

Yeah, good,
good vibe. Plus--

Yeah, 'cause
you could feel it.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

He's already got
a nice head of hair, too.

Beautiful,
very natural.

Thanks.

The thing is that, uh,

we kind of got our hands full,
what with Arthur--

Oh, he is a full-time job,
that one.

Yeah.

Plus we may have kids
of our own soon.

Yes, yes, we may.

You know, this one
is such a dingbat

about taking her pill,
I'll tell you.

So, uh,
what are you saying?

Um, I guess what
we're saying is that--

Hey, Regis Philbin!
This guy's on fire, huh?

So youdon'twant
to be the godparents?

Look, Kel,
I'm sorry,

but you know how we feel
about you guys.

You know, if something
were to happen,

it would just be way
too much for us.

Okay. I mean,
I understand.

I-it's just, you know,

you seemed so enthusiastic
the other night.

Hey, I had a whole sleeve
of Oreos. I was flying.

-Sorry, Deac.
-Hey, you know, it's cool.

I mean, I guess it was
kind of a heavy thing

to put on you guys.

Seriously, guys,
it's really okay.

Well, good.

Good.

-Hey, here you go.
-There you go.

Here you go, fella,
my newest innovation,

the frequent buyer card.

You buy 10 pretzels,
you get one free.

9 Xs to go.

Um, Arthur, I've been
meaning to tell you,

don't you think
you should punch

like a pretzel shaped
hole or something

when they
buy a pretzel,

instead of just making
an "X" with a pen?

'Cause, you know,
people have their own pens.

I don't think I like
nor do I completely understand

what you're getting at.

But I know a mutiny
when I see one.

No, no, I'm just
saying that--

Save your speech
for the unemployment line!

You're through here!
Now beat it.

All right.

Rita, you saw that.
He lunged at me.

And I may need you to sign
an affidavit to that effect.

-Excuse me.
-Yes, may I help you?

Free pretzel, please.

Ten X's already?

Wow, that was fast.

So how are they running
this christening?

You think they'll be
some food beforehand?

'Cause if there isn't,

there's a Nathan's coming
up on Union Turnpike.

You think our gift
is good enough?

I mean, I know we got
a $200 bond,

but everybody knows
you pay a hundred for it.

It's not like
we're foolin' anyone.

So what do you say, a couple
of franks? I'm buying.

It's 9 a.m.

Hey, they are open,
all right?

It's not like I'm
a freak or anything.

Okay, do what you want.

So, did, um,
did Deacon mention

who they picked
as the new godparents yet?

Yep. Bill
and Robin Gilliard.

The insurance guy
and his wife?

Right.

Huh. Interesting.

-They're nice.
-They're very nice.

Wouldn't be
my first choice.

Wasn't theirs, either.

Yeah.

How can a hot dog place
be out of sauerkraut?

It's what they do.

Let it go, babe.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Deac,
how are you?
Hey, guys.

-Hi.
-How are you?

Fine, thank you.

You know Bill
and Robin Gilliard.

Sure. We met at Kirby's
birthday party last year.

You were the guy
who broke the piñata, right?

Yeah, well, the kids got
3 swings each.

Someone had to step in
and make it happen, huh?

Uh, Deacon, your aunt
is signing her name

to other people's
gifts again.

Uh, excuse us.

So, you're gonna
be godparents?

Good for you.

-Thank you.
-Mm-hmm.

Gotta tell you,
I give you a lot of credit.

A lot of credit.

If it was me,
I would be petrified

at the thought of raising
somebody else's kids.

But you probably
love children, right?

To tell you the truth,
I've never really been

that much
of a kid person.

No kidding?

Huh.

So, taping
the Nebraska game,

so if you hear anything,
don't say a word.

Not to worry.

But I'm taping
Charles Osgood,

so if you hear anything,
don't say a word.

[LAUGHTER]

So you don't, uh,
you don't watch much

college football, huh?

No, not really.

Pros?

Well, I was invited
to a Super Bowl party

a few years ago.

That was a lot of fun.

Hey, how about
last year's Super Bowl?

Elway--wow, huh?

John Elway?

Sorry, I don't know
who that is.

Wha--?

So, if something were
to happen, God forbid,

you probably got
a pretty big house, right?

Um, just an apartment.

3 bedrooms, 4 bedrooms?
Come on, what do you got?

[LAUGHS] 2.

Hmm.

Mets?

Well, I find baseball
a little boring.

How about basketball?

A bunch
of pituitary cases

trying to stuff a ball
through a hoop?

No, thank you.

Golf? Rugby? Come on, Bill,
give me something.

Well, I like
to watch swimming.

[GROANS]

So, come on, I mean,
you don't like kids,

you have a small apartment,
uh, what's up?

Nothing's up.

But why did you
say yes?

W-w-what's your angle?

We have no angle.

We're just doing
what any decent people

would do
for their friends.

Oh. Right.

[SCOFFS]

Who's next?

Uh, hey, free pretzel
with honey mustard dip.

You were just here,
weren't you?

Me? Uh, no.

Yes, you were.

You know,
I'm wise to you.

I'm wise
to all of you.

Marking the Xs
on the cards yourselves.

Very clever.

ALL: Thank you.

Well, let me tell you
all something.

I may not be hip or
with it like you kids.

I may not listen
to your Tom Jones

or your Dave Clark Five.

But at least I know
when I put my head

on my pillow tonight,

I'll sleep soundly,
and you know why?

It's because
I'll know that you kids

have been dunking
your stolen pretzels

in my "very special"
dipping sauces.

Oh, yeah.

Lord God, in baptism
we die with Christ

to rise again in him.

[CRYING SOFTLY]

We are horrible,
horrible people.

They really ought to
have backup sauerkraut.

-Doug.
-What?

The Gilliards are
no better prepared for this

than we are, and yet
they didn't even hesitate

to open up their life
for these kids.

Why didn't
we open up our life?

Hey, I wanted
to open up our life.

You wanted to keep
our life closed.

You know what?
Let's just do this.

What?

I changed my mind.

I want us to be
Major's godparents.

Go tell Deacon.

What? No, Carrie, I can't.

The whole thing's
already happening.

He's right there,
just go tell him.

DOUG: Carrie, it's too late.

It's not too late.

They didn't even dunk
the kid yet.

Even so, all right,
I can't go up there.

Doug, if we don't do this,

we will feel guilty
for the rest of our lives.

I mean, we're
their best friends.

We should be
the godparents.

Well, I was a little rattled
when Bill told me

he didn't know
who John Elway was.

Huh? Huh? And you want
that freak raising our kids?

Doug, go tell him.

-Go! They're next.
-Okay, okay!

[WHISPERS]
Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Oh! Sorry about that.

[WHISPERING]
Hey, Deac.

Hey, Deac.

I need to talk to you.

What is it?

Look, we changed our minds.

We want to take your children
when you die.

God forbid.

What are you
talking about?

We already
started here.

I know. We made a mistake.
We want to do it.

Just sit down.

Bill doesn't know
who Elway is.

Sit down!

What? Oh,
for God's sake.

Excuse me, excuse me,
pardon me--Ooh, nice hat.

-What happened?
-He said it was too late.

It's not too late.
Watch out.

[WHISPERING LOUDLY]
Hey.

Hey!

What?

We want to be
the godparents again.

Carrie, this is
not a good time.

I know, but, Kel, look,
you said it yourselves

we're the best people
for the job.

And you know what?
You're not invincible.

Something could happen.

G-God--God forbid.

I've never been that excited
about the Gilliards.

-You haven't?
-No.

Well, then, why did you
agree to them?

I thought you were
crazy about 'em.

Oh, they're okay.

Well, tell them
they're out

and that Doug
and Carrie are in.

Get out of here!
You tell them.

She's your friend.

I really just know
him through you.

Okay, you want me
to tell them?

-Yeah, yeah, go.
-Deacon!

I'll go.

Kelly,
I want you to know,

we'll raise the kids
as Jets or Giant fans,

whichever you want.

That is comforting.

Bill.
Give me the baby.

So, godparents, huh?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, boy.

The Reverend
was pretty cool

about us pulling
the old switcheroo, huh?

Yeah,
he rolled with it.

Hey, you remember that song
Reverend Blue Jeans?

What?

Neil Diamond. Hmm?

*Reverend
blue jeans, babe*

It's not Reverend
Blue Jeans.

It's "Forever
in Blue Jeans."

No, it's "Reverend
Blue Jeans."

It was about a hip reverend.
He wore jeans.

*Reverend
blue jeans, babe*

Nooo.

*Forever in
blue jeans, babe*

How did I miss that?

[**]