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1
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[**]
2
00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:07,170
ARTHUR:
Douglas!
3
00:00:07,210 --> 00:00:08,750
Douglas!
4
00:00:10,420 --> 00:00:11,420
Douglas!
5
00:00:11,460 --> 00:00:12,670
DOUG: What?!
6
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:14,180
Come here!
7
00:00:14,220 --> 00:00:15,590
I'm busy!
8
00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:17,220
You're dizzy?!
9
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,100
I'm busy
with a 'B'!
10
00:00:22,140 --> 00:00:23,180
Dizzy?!
11
00:00:25,190 --> 00:00:26,520
Yes, I'm dizzy.
12
00:00:28,110 --> 00:00:29,690
Well, come down
here anyway.
13
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,150
Hold onto the rail.
14
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:35,700
What is it?!
15
00:00:35,740 --> 00:00:37,570
I can't get
the naked channel!
16
00:00:40,580 --> 00:00:43,120
We don't get
the naked channel!
17
00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:45,580
Yes, we do! We were
watching it last night!
18
00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:47,580
That wasNightline!
19
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,130
[**]
20
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:56,340
ARTHUR [IN DISTANCE]:
Just tell me what number
is the naked channel!
21
00:00:56,380 --> 00:00:59,180
DOUG [IN DISTANCE]:
We don't get he naked channel!
22
00:00:59,220 --> 00:01:00,600
ARTHUR: Why not?!
23
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:02,680
DOUG: I don't know!
24
00:01:04,270 --> 00:01:07,100
MALE SINGER: *My eyesare gettin' weary*
25
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,900
*My back is gettin' tight*
26
00:01:09,940 --> 00:01:12,110
*I'm sitting herein traffic*
27
00:01:12,150 --> 00:01:14,740
*On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
28
00:01:14,780 --> 00:01:20,370
*But I don't care'cause all I want to do*
29
00:01:20,410 --> 00:01:24,120
*Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
30
00:01:26,210 --> 00:01:27,750
*'Cause, baby,all my life*
31
00:01:27,790 --> 00:01:31,710
*I will be drivin' hometo you*
32
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,840
[**]
33
00:01:56,190 --> 00:01:58,610
-CARRIE: Doug!
-DOUG: What?
34
00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:00,820
Would you come here?
I need help with these boxes.
35
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:02,780
I'm in the middle
of something.
36
00:02:05,950 --> 00:02:07,040
CARRIE: Doug!
37
00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,080
All right, all right.
38
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,010
Wow, you're making
progress in here, huh?
39
00:02:15,050 --> 00:02:16,210
Yeah, I have to.
40
00:02:16,260 --> 00:02:17,670
It's my only day
to get it done.
41
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,010
Okay, all these boxes
out here
42
00:02:20,050 --> 00:02:21,180
can go in the garage,
43
00:02:21,220 --> 00:02:22,640
and these boxes here
you can take down
44
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:24,310
to the dumpster, okay?
45
00:02:28,890 --> 00:02:30,770
Hello? Dumpster.
46
00:02:30,810 --> 00:02:32,020
W-w-w-wait!
47
00:02:32,060 --> 00:02:33,190
I'm not sure I want to
get rid of this stuff.
48
00:02:33,230 --> 00:02:34,770
Hey, look at this,
one of my videotapes.
49
00:02:34,820 --> 00:02:36,320
I want to keep this.
50
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:39,700
Okay, this is
an episode ofQuincy.
51
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:44,830
Uh, excuse me.
2 episodes.
52
00:02:44,870 --> 00:02:46,660
Okay, fine.
53
00:02:48,290 --> 00:02:49,370
Just keep it,
keep all of it,
54
00:02:49,410 --> 00:02:50,620
just get it
out of here,
55
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:51,710
and while
you're at it
56
00:02:51,750 --> 00:02:53,290
could you toss out
those newspapers?
57
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,210
I'm gonna read those.
58
00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:57,170
[SIGHS]
Okay, Doug,
59
00:02:57,210 --> 00:03:00,220
all I want is
a lousy 3-by-3 space
60
00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:01,680
so I could do
my work in peace.
61
00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:03,140
Why are you
fighting me?
62
00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:05,810
I'm not. I'm fine with
your whole home-office thing.
63
00:03:05,850 --> 00:03:07,720
Fine.
64
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,100
Not clear on why
we need a bank loan
65
00:03:09,140 --> 00:03:11,270
to get it done, though.
66
00:03:11,310 --> 00:03:14,730
Because all our cash
is tied up.
67
00:03:14,770 --> 00:03:15,820
Yeah, but still, a loan?
68
00:03:15,860 --> 00:03:17,320
Let me tell you
something, Carrie--
69
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,650
I could turn this whole room
into a palace for 100 bucks.
70
00:03:19,690 --> 00:03:20,780
Sorry, Doug,
it's gonna cost
71
00:03:20,820 --> 00:03:21,990
a lot more
than 100 bucks.
72
00:03:22,030 --> 00:03:22,910
Uh, how much more?
73
00:03:22,950 --> 00:03:24,660
Try 40 times that.
74
00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:26,950
$40,000?
75
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:31,920
Oh, wait a second,
$4,000?
76
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,920
Yes, Doug, $4,000.
77
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,090
I need a computer,
a desk, wallpaper,
78
00:03:36,130 --> 00:03:38,050
curtains,
office supplies--
79
00:03:38,090 --> 00:03:39,300
Office supplies?
Wait,
80
00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:40,220
you can't steal
those from work?
81
00:03:40,260 --> 00:03:42,220
Oy.
82
00:03:42,260 --> 00:03:43,300
You know what
the problem is?
83
00:03:43,340 --> 00:03:44,390
I'll tell you
what the problem is.
84
00:03:44,430 --> 00:03:46,100
It's that copy of
House Beautiful
85
00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:47,180
that came in our mail
by mistake.
86
00:03:47,220 --> 00:03:48,640
You flipped through
that,
87
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:49,850
and now you got
a bee in your bonnet
88
00:03:49,890 --> 00:03:52,270
about making a fancy office
for yourself.
89
00:03:52,310 --> 00:03:55,310
A bee in my bonnet?
90
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,440
Yeah, that's
a real thing, right?
91
00:03:58,480 --> 00:03:59,610
Okay, look, Doug,
92
00:03:59,650 --> 00:04:02,280
I have been schlepping boxes
since 6 A.M.
93
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:03,860
And I haven't had
my coffee yet.
94
00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:05,910
So if you keep
aggravating me,
95
00:04:05,950 --> 00:04:07,410
I'm going
to bite you.
96
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,910
Look, all I'm saying is,
that if you don't--
97
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,960
Arthur, your toast
is done.
98
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,420
Don't tell me!
99
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:22,840
Look, let me remind you,
100
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,800
when I fixed up this garage,
you know what it cost me?
101
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:26,890
Nothing.
Not a dime.Bubkes.
102
00:04:26,930 --> 00:04:30,350
Uh, hi? What about that
$2,800 big-screen TV?
103
00:04:30,390 --> 00:04:32,270
Uh, hi, Electronics
Depot Charge Card.
104
00:04:32,310 --> 00:04:34,730
No payments
till November '99.
105
00:04:34,770 --> 00:04:35,480
That's next month.
106
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,900
Ooh.
107
00:04:37,940 --> 00:04:38,900
Look, Doug,
108
00:04:38,940 --> 00:04:40,230
I don't want to
argue about this.
109
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,030
Just be at the bank
at 10:30,
110
00:04:42,070 --> 00:04:43,150
we'll sign
the loan papers,
111
00:04:43,190 --> 00:04:44,700
and you can get on
with your life.
112
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,160
10:30? Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, wait!
113
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,290
What is this
about 10:30?
114
00:04:50,330 --> 00:04:51,370
You told me you were going
to make the loan appointment
115
00:04:51,410 --> 00:04:52,500
during my lunch break?
116
00:04:52,540 --> 00:04:53,580
Well, I tried for that,
117
00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:55,120
but she's going on
vacation tomorrow.
118
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:56,170
That's all she had.
119
00:04:56,210 --> 00:04:57,920
I told you this
last night.
120
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,340
When?
121
00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:00,710
In the bedroom,
when you were working out,
122
00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:03,420
doing those stupid
hand grippy things.
123
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,130
Yeah, well, obviously
I didn't hear you.
124
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,510
I was in a zone.
125
00:05:07,550 --> 00:05:09,010
Look, there's no way
I'm gonna make it at 10:30.
126
00:05:09,050 --> 00:05:10,430
I'm running late as it is.
127
00:05:10,470 --> 00:05:12,770
Doug, she's
leaving town tomorrow.
128
00:05:12,810 --> 00:05:13,930
I need the loan today.
129
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,350
What do you want from me?
I can't get away.
130
00:05:15,390 --> 00:05:17,310
My days are jam-packed
with work.
131
00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:19,150
I saw you roll your eyes
right there.
132
00:05:19,190 --> 00:05:21,440
Wasn't trying
to hide it.
133
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,110
Nope, can't do it, sorry.
134
00:05:23,150 --> 00:05:25,490
Doug, you're being so
passive-aggressive about this.
135
00:05:25,530 --> 00:05:26,990
I mean, if this was
something you wanted,
136
00:05:27,030 --> 00:05:28,160
you would get off
work.
137
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:29,320
But you just got
a bee in your bonnet
138
00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:30,910
because I want to use
a little money
139
00:05:30,950 --> 00:05:32,080
to make my office
look nice.
140
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:33,540
Okay, first of all,
141
00:05:33,580 --> 00:05:35,250
don't use the
"bee in the bonnet" thing.
142
00:05:35,290 --> 00:05:38,420
That's mine.
143
00:05:38,460 --> 00:05:40,290
Second of all, I'd be happy
to meet you at the bank
144
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,050
if it's during
my lunch break, okay?
145
00:05:42,090 --> 00:05:43,340
The rest of my workday,
I'm busy.
146
00:05:43,380 --> 00:05:44,920
You understand that?
Busy.
147
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,430
Not passive,
not aggressive, busy.
148
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:55,890
88, 89, 90, and 91.
149
00:05:55,930 --> 00:05:58,230
Oh, yeah!
150
00:05:58,270 --> 00:05:59,400
Uh, sorry, Morales,
151
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:00,400
but there's a new
sheriff in town,
152
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,940
and his name is
Doug Heffernan.
153
00:06:02,980 --> 00:06:03,900
Keep going, my man.
154
00:06:03,940 --> 00:06:05,190
Build on it,
build on it.
155
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,240
92, 93, 94...
156
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:09,450
All right.
Ninety...
157
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,950
Oh. Guess that one
didn't land.
158
00:06:13,990 --> 00:06:15,160
At least you're in
the record books, my man.
159
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,910
Come on,
let's hit the road.
160
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,120
Come on.
161
00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:20,210
Deac?
162
00:06:20,250 --> 00:06:21,210
What?
163
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:23,340
Could you please
come to me?
164
00:06:25,460 --> 00:06:27,590
What's up?
165
00:06:27,630 --> 00:06:28,590
I-I'm not sure,
166
00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:30,930
but I think I may
have shot myself.
167
00:06:30,970 --> 00:06:33,350
Really? Where?
168
00:06:33,390 --> 00:06:36,470
In a very,
very bad place.
169
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:39,890
Where?
170
00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:41,350
Right in
the twins' playpen.
171
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,480
Oooh!
172
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:46,440
Ow. Does it hurt?
173
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,070
[PANTING]
Actually, no.
174
00:06:48,110 --> 00:06:52,240
It's--it's more
of a little sting, you know.
175
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,490
Like a--like
a rabbit bit me.
176
00:06:54,530 --> 00:06:56,950
Wait a minute, may--
maybe it's not in there.
177
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,250
Maybe it just grazed you.
178
00:06:58,290 --> 00:06:59,160
Yeah, maybe it grazed me,
you're right, yeah.
179
00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:00,170
Do me a favor,
take a look.
180
00:07:00,210 --> 00:07:01,500
Oh, no, no.
No way, man.
181
00:07:01,540 --> 00:07:02,460
Come on, would you
take a look, please?
182
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,380
I don't wanna look.
You look.
183
00:07:04,420 --> 00:07:06,300
I don't bend
that far.
184
00:07:06,340 --> 00:07:07,920
All right, all right.
185
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,340
Just look. Don't
touch anything.
186
00:07:09,380 --> 00:07:11,220
Yeah. Good thing
you mentioned that.
187
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,970
How you doing?
188
00:07:17,350 --> 00:07:19,480
How about--how about
an update there, pal?
189
00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,850
Okay, i-it's
definitely in there.
190
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,480
Oh, my God! What should I do,
what should I do?
191
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:24,810
Just relax, don't panic.
192
00:07:24,860 --> 00:07:26,480
I have to panic, okay?
I'm attached to my shorts!
193
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,150
Look, all right, look,
we'll take care of it.
194
00:07:29,190 --> 00:07:30,320
All right,
take care of it.
195
00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:31,240
Get it out of me, man,
get it out of me!
196
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,320
All right.
Look, look.
197
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:33,870
I'll just give
your shorts one quick yank
198
00:07:33,910 --> 00:07:35,870
-and it'll come right out.
-Wait! Are you crazy?!
199
00:07:35,910 --> 00:07:37,120
What?
200
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:38,200
What if the staple
didn't go in straight?
201
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,460
What if it's like a grabby?
202
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:42,920
No, no, I'm pretty sure
these going straight.
203
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,340
Pretty sure?
You were gonna pull
on a 'pretty sure'?!
204
00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:47,090
-You said get it out!
-Well, find another way.
205
00:07:47,130 --> 00:07:49,210
All right, look,
I'm gonna take you
to the emergency room,
206
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:50,340
then I'll finish
your shift, all right?
207
00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:52,340
Good. Okay.
Hand off me.
208
00:07:54,510 --> 00:07:56,890
How's that?
O'BOYLE: Doug, your wife's
on line one.
209
00:07:56,930 --> 00:07:59,930
Ooh, God!
[PANTING]
210
00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:04,440
[DEEP EXHALE]
211
00:08:06,690 --> 00:08:08,650
Hey.
212
00:08:08,690 --> 00:08:10,190
Hey, how are you doing,
sweetie?
213
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,360
Good. Fine.
You? Good?
214
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,950
Good. Listen, uh,
I was thinking about it,
215
00:08:14,990 --> 00:08:16,530
and, well, uh,
216
00:08:16,570 --> 00:08:18,910
I'm sorry about our stupid
fight this morning.
217
00:08:18,950 --> 00:08:21,620
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
So, see you tonight?
218
00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:23,540
I shouldn't have said
what I said, you know,
219
00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:26,290
about you
not working hard.
220
00:08:26,330 --> 00:08:27,920
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
221
00:08:30,590 --> 00:08:32,630
That was justreally insensitive of me.
222
00:08:32,670 --> 00:08:35,010
I know you workvery, very hard, honey.
223
00:08:35,050 --> 00:08:37,640
Hard worker, yah. Y-yeah.
224
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:40,600
Look, Doug, I am trying
to apologize to you.
225
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,430
The least you could do
is say you're sorry.
226
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,730
Sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry.
227
00:08:43,770 --> 00:08:46,940
Okay, stop.
228
00:08:46,980 --> 00:08:48,610
The other reason
why I called is
229
00:08:48,650 --> 00:08:50,110
I talked to the lady
at the bank,
230
00:08:50,150 --> 00:08:51,570
I begged her,
231
00:08:51,610 --> 00:08:54,030
and she agreed to meet us
at your lunch hour.
232
00:08:54,070 --> 00:08:56,070
So, I'll see you
at the bank at 1:30, okay?
233
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:09,590
Any chance you could miss
like one pothole?
234
00:09:09,630 --> 00:09:13,090
This is the quickest way
to the hospital.
235
00:09:13,130 --> 00:09:15,510
So, why didn't you just
tell Carrie what happened?
236
00:09:15,550 --> 00:09:16,890
Because we got in a fight
this morning,
237
00:09:16,930 --> 00:09:19,640
and I made a huge deal
about how busy I am at work.
238
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:23,060
How could I possibly
explain this?
239
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:25,020
Just tell her it happened
while you were working.
240
00:09:25,060 --> 00:09:26,190
While I was working?
241
00:09:26,230 --> 00:09:28,190
The staple came in
from behind me.
242
00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:29,440
Then tell her I did it.
243
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:30,610
You?
244
00:09:30,650 --> 00:09:32,980
Yeah, you--you were
bending over,
245
00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:35,030
and I noticed,
246
00:09:35,070 --> 00:09:37,410
and I came up behind you
with a staple gun--
247
00:09:37,450 --> 00:09:40,280
All right, I'm gonna
stop you right there.
248
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:43,580
This sounds worse than
what really happened.
249
00:09:43,620 --> 00:09:45,460
Look, there's no reason she has
to know anything, all right?
250
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:46,580
It's still only 11:00.
251
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:47,670
I could--I could get
this thing removed
252
00:09:47,710 --> 00:09:49,290
and get to the bank
by 1:30.
253
00:09:49,330 --> 00:09:51,130
No one has to know
the difference.
254
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:53,460
Won't she eventually
look in that area?
255
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:56,380
Believe me,
not if I don't ask.
256
00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,510
Uh-oh. Speed bump.
257
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,270
DOUG: Here we go.
All filled out.
258
00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:12,440
I will be, uh,
right over there
259
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,570
when you're
ready for me. Okay?
260
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,250
Qaddafi! Ahh...
261
00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:30,210
-Sir?
-Hmm?
262
00:10:30,250 --> 00:10:32,710
You forgot to write down
what you're here for.
263
00:10:32,750 --> 00:10:34,630
Oh, did I? Ha!
264
00:10:34,670 --> 00:10:35,590
Yes.
265
00:10:35,630 --> 00:10:38,300
Forgot to write it down.
That's...
266
00:10:38,340 --> 00:10:40,430
That's wild,
isn't it?
267
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,680
What are you here for?
268
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,560
Uh...just a second, okay?
269
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:50,940
Yuspa!
270
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,770
Oh, yeah! Unh!
271
00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,650
Okay. I, uh...
272
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:01,360
You know what? Let me just
draw you a picture here.
273
00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:03,490
This will...
274
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:04,660
explain everything.
275
00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:06,830
That'll tell the story
right there, okay?
276
00:11:06,870 --> 00:11:08,500
Ha ha!
277
00:11:11,750 --> 00:11:14,460
Are these what
I think they are?
278
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,590
Ahem. Yes. Yes. Yes.
279
00:11:17,630 --> 00:11:19,720
That's the whole area
right there.
280
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,590
Of course that's
not actual size.
281
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,430
Actually, right now,
it probably is,
282
00:11:26,470 --> 00:11:27,520
'cause
I'm a little nervous.
283
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:29,310
Is the doctor gonna
see me soon?
284
00:11:30,850 --> 00:11:32,310
What's this line?
285
00:11:32,350 --> 00:11:34,610
-That's a staple.
-A staple.
286
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,270
Yeah, a staple.
That's one staple right there.
287
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,990
A staple. How's that
doctor thing looking?
288
00:11:39,030 --> 00:11:40,740
In a few minutes.
289
00:11:40,780 --> 00:11:42,280
I'll--I'll just
have to see
290
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:43,620
your insurance card.
291
00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:45,280
Oh.
292
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,740
Arthur, it's me Doug.
293
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:50,540
Your son-in-law.
294
00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:52,750
Douglas? Yes.
295
00:11:52,790 --> 00:11:55,420
Doug is short
for Douglas.
296
00:11:56,420 --> 00:11:58,550
Well, now you know.
297
00:11:59,630 --> 00:12:01,050
Listen, I need you
to do me a favor.
298
00:12:01,090 --> 00:12:03,510
I--I need you to get me
Carrie's insurance card
299
00:12:03,550 --> 00:12:05,970
and bring it to me
at Flushing Meadow Hospital.
300
00:12:06,010 --> 00:12:07,720
I'll tell you later.
301
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,930
Just make sure she doesn't
find out you're meeting me here.
302
00:12:09,970 --> 00:12:11,520
Okay? Thanks.
303
00:12:13,020 --> 00:12:14,900
I love you, too.
304
00:12:37,460 --> 00:12:38,800
Okay...
305
00:12:41,130 --> 00:12:43,380
What's the story?
306
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,510
Story? No story.
307
00:12:44,550 --> 00:12:46,930
I was just standing
here casually
308
00:12:46,970 --> 00:12:49,470
scratching my head.
309
00:12:49,510 --> 00:12:52,520
You were rifling
through my purse.
310
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:56,690
Uh-huh. That's only
because I was...
311
00:12:56,730 --> 00:12:58,820
stealing money.
312
00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:03,030
Okay.
313
00:13:03,070 --> 00:13:04,450
Why?
314
00:13:04,490 --> 00:13:05,860
I'm gonna level
with you, honey.
315
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,450
I have
a gambling problem.
316
00:13:07,490 --> 00:13:09,580
My bookmaker Jimmy Marbles
is gonna break my kneecaps
317
00:13:09,620 --> 00:13:11,490
if I don't come up
with the scratch!
318
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,750
Dad, if you keep saying
things like this,
319
00:13:15,790 --> 00:13:18,540
how will I know
when you're going senile?
320
00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,420
Uh-huh.
321
00:13:20,460 --> 00:13:22,590
Truth is, I was just
looking for a Tic Tac
322
00:13:22,630 --> 00:13:24,630
and here we go!
323
00:13:27,430 --> 00:13:29,510
Birth control pills,
Dad.
324
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,930
Why do you need
birth control pills?
325
00:13:32,970 --> 00:13:34,520
Does he touch you?!
326
00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:53,870
Oh, God, Arthur,
where you been?
327
00:13:53,910 --> 00:13:56,460
Sorry. I thought you said
Flushing Meadow Park.
328
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:58,580
Then I got caught up
in a girl's soccer game.
329
00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,040
Here you go.
330
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,840
Thanks. Aah...
331
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:04,920
So, uh...
332
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,420
What are you here for?
333
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:08,720
Uh, nothing.
Just, uh...
334
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:09,930
Nothing.
335
00:14:09,970 --> 00:14:11,930
Come on. What is it?
336
00:14:11,970 --> 00:14:14,060
Eczema? Pinkeye?
337
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,690
No, Arthur.
338
00:14:17,730 --> 00:14:20,400
You having something,
uh..."enhanced"?
339
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:24,480
Again, no.
340
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:25,530
Then what?
341
00:14:25,570 --> 00:14:27,110
I just had a little
accident at work.
342
00:14:27,150 --> 00:14:30,490
I, uh...shot myself
with a staple gun.
343
00:14:30,530 --> 00:14:31,490
Where?
344
00:14:32,910 --> 00:14:33,910
In, uh...
345
00:14:33,950 --> 00:14:35,040
Really?
346
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,040
Let's have a look.
347
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,830
No, Arthur...
348
00:14:37,870 --> 00:14:38,920
ARTHUR: I don't see it.
349
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,500
Arthur, come on,
man, let's go, okay?
350
00:14:40,540 --> 00:14:42,540
ARTHUR: Straddle me so I can
get a better angle.
351
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,550
-Get up--
-ARTHUR: Oh, there it is!
352
00:14:44,590 --> 00:14:46,010
Right in the tool bag!
353
00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:47,220
Whoa!
354
00:14:47,260 --> 00:14:49,760
Would you stop
and settle down?
355
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,510
Come on. This is hard
enough for me as it is.
356
00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:54,510
I know what you're going
through, Douglas. I've...
357
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,180
been down this road
myself.
358
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,100
You have?
359
00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:02,610
Sure. Staples, rivets...
360
00:15:02,650 --> 00:15:04,110
knitting needles...
361
00:15:05,230 --> 00:15:07,570
my advice is
just leave it in.
362
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:10,450
L-leave it in?
363
00:15:10,490 --> 00:15:12,240
I'm attached
to my IPS shorts.
364
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:13,580
Not a problem.
Just make sure
365
00:15:13,620 --> 00:15:15,450
you don't lose
your job.
366
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,540
Yeah. Uh, insurance card.
367
00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:20,870
How much longer?
368
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,750
Uh, the doctor is just
finishing up. You're next.
369
00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:24,040
Oh, great.
370
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,630
If you just follow me
to the examining area--
371
00:15:26,670 --> 00:15:27,920
Bus crash!
372
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,930
10 critical, 3 serious!
Triage setup outside!
373
00:15:30,970 --> 00:15:34,140
Uh...this is a first-come
first-served dealie, right?
374
00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:37,850
Arthur, look,
do me a favor.
375
00:15:37,890 --> 00:15:40,060
Hold my place
in line, would you?
376
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:43,230
Oww...Aah, baby steps...
baby steps...
377
00:15:52,820 --> 00:15:53,990
Hey.
378
00:15:54,030 --> 00:15:56,240
-Hey! There you are.
-Yeah.
379
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:59,120
Hey, how you doing there?
Good to see you.
380
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:00,040
What's that about?
381
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,120
Hmm?
382
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,920
What, no hug?
383
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,750
Honey, we are
in a bank. It's...
384
00:16:04,790 --> 00:16:06,210
Unless we're trying to borrow
money for a porno film,
385
00:16:06,250 --> 00:16:08,760
I think we ought to pull in
the reins a little, huh?
386
00:16:10,130 --> 00:16:11,590
Okay, what's going on?
387
00:16:11,630 --> 00:16:12,590
What do you mean?
388
00:16:12,630 --> 00:16:13,890
Well, you're
acting weird again,
389
00:16:13,930 --> 00:16:15,510
just like you were
on the phone. I mean,
390
00:16:15,550 --> 00:16:18,010
if you're still mad at me,
why don't you just say so?
391
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,270
I am not mad.
392
00:16:22,310 --> 00:16:24,690
You are so. I can tell.
393
00:16:24,730 --> 00:16:26,190
I am not! Let's just sign
the stupid papers
394
00:16:26,230 --> 00:16:27,690
and get out of here,
okay?
395
00:16:27,730 --> 00:16:29,730
"Stupid papers."
396
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:30,820
Okay, fine.
397
00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:31,820
Whatever.
398
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:33,950
Mr. and Mrs. Hefferman?
399
00:16:33,990 --> 00:16:35,280
Actually,
it's "Heffer-nin".
400
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,030
Oh. Well, I'm sorry.
401
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,200
Right this way,
Mr. And Mrs. Heffer-nin.
402
00:16:40,870 --> 00:16:42,960
Well, you don't actually
have to punch the "nin."
403
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,040
I was just saying that
for your benefit.
404
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,340
Please come in.
405
00:16:47,380 --> 00:16:49,840
Honey, look at you.
You're a mess.
406
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,590
Would you fix
your collar?
407
00:16:51,630 --> 00:16:54,050
And pull up your pants.
408
00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:03,640
Now, there are 3 different
payment options,
409
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,850
each with its own
distinct advantages
410
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,690
and disadvantages.
411
00:17:07,730 --> 00:17:09,820
Would you like me to
review them for you?
412
00:17:09,860 --> 00:17:12,070
No. Whichever one
you like is fine.
413
00:17:12,110 --> 00:17:15,280
Uh, honey, I would like
to hear them.
414
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:16,780
Fine.
415
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,660
Well, option one is just
416
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:22,200
your straightforward
fixed monthly payment.
417
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,250
It's not one of
your more exciting choices,
418
00:17:24,290 --> 00:17:26,080
but at least you know what
you're getting hit with
419
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:27,750
at the end of the month.
420
00:17:27,790 --> 00:17:32,090
Now, option 2 is called
the floating payment plan.
421
00:17:32,130 --> 00:17:34,920
In this plan,
your payments vary
422
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:38,140
based upon fluctuations in
the prime rate of interest.
423
00:17:38,180 --> 00:17:40,220
Some months, your payments
will be lower,
424
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:42,970
other months, you'll have
a sharp metal object
425
00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:44,270
in your testicles.
426
00:17:45,310 --> 00:17:48,650
Now, for example,
if in January,
427
00:17:48,690 --> 00:17:51,820
the prime rate
goes to, say, 8%,
428
00:17:51,860 --> 00:17:55,240
what you'll end up with
is a common office supply
429
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:59,030
violating the very essence
of your manhood.
430
00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:01,080
Pulling,
431
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:02,160
grabbing,
432
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:03,240
pinching,
433
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:04,290
swelling,
434
00:18:04,330 --> 00:18:05,410
tugging.
435
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,710
Throbbing pain so intense
436
00:18:07,750 --> 00:18:10,630
you'll pray for
the sweet release of death.
437
00:18:11,670 --> 00:18:14,130
And those are
your 3 basic options.
438
00:18:14,170 --> 00:18:15,260
Any questions?
439
00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:16,880
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
440
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,180
Excuse me just a moment.
441
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:20,800
Ahem! Rhonda Phillips.
442
00:18:22,430 --> 00:18:24,100
So, honey,
which option do you think
443
00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:25,180
we should go with?
444
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:26,940
Whichever one
is the quickest.
445
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:28,140
For God's sake,
446
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:30,060
can you just give me
your opinion?
447
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:33,400
I can't believe what a baby
you're being about this!
448
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,360
And why are you
sweating so much?
449
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:38,240
Look, there's something I...
450
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,910
should probably tell you.
451
00:18:39,950 --> 00:18:41,280
What?
452
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,370
Come here.
453
00:18:49,330 --> 00:18:52,670
You stapled yourself
in the mall?
454
00:19:06,850 --> 00:19:08,440
Really?
455
00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:12,860
Can I look?
456
00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:14,150
Yeah.
457
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,360
Okay.
458
00:19:20,030 --> 00:19:21,200
Whoa!
459
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,830
What happened?
460
00:19:23,870 --> 00:19:24,950
We were fooling around
at work.
461
00:19:24,990 --> 00:19:27,450
I was shooting staples
into a tin can.
462
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,870
And then I caught
my undercarriage.
463
00:19:32,420 --> 00:19:34,000
Well, what are you
doing here?
464
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,340
We should be
at the hospital.
465
00:19:35,380 --> 00:19:36,960
Let's go.
466
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:38,420
No. Look, this morning
I was being really stupid.
467
00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:41,930
And selfish and...
I-I'm really sorry.
468
00:19:41,970 --> 00:19:43,430
All right?
469
00:19:43,470 --> 00:19:45,810
I want you to have your office,
just the way you want it.
470
00:19:45,850 --> 00:19:48,180
I want it, too, but I
also want to have kids.
471
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:49,930
Now, come on.
472
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:52,520
No. Look, we're already here,
I can get through this.
473
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,940
Alright, I want to do this
for you, Carrie.
474
00:19:54,980 --> 00:19:56,900
Let's just make it quick.
475
00:19:58,070 --> 00:20:00,490
Anyway, I'm sorry
about that.
476
00:20:00,530 --> 00:20:02,360
But back to business.
477
00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:04,120
You folks decided?
478
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,410
Yeah. We're gonna go
with the third one.
479
00:20:05,450 --> 00:20:06,990
The balloon payment one.
480
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,120
The balloon one, yeah.
481
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,370
Okay. You're sure?
482
00:20:09,410 --> 00:20:10,910
Yeah. We're sure.
We like balloons.
483
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:11,960
Pretty.
484
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,250
Okay, fair enough.
485
00:20:16,210 --> 00:20:19,420
Option...3...
486
00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:22,430
balloon...pay--
487
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,350
Please...use mine.
488
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,480
-Thank you.
-CARRIE: Okay.
489
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:39,940
Payment. Ahem.
490
00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:44,280
Okay, let me just get these
forms here together for you.
491
00:20:45,450 --> 00:20:48,580
All right,
here we have your K-19.
492
00:20:48,620 --> 00:20:49,830
Oh.
493
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:54,830
And we have
your disclosure.
494
00:20:54,870 --> 00:20:56,210
[GROANS]
495
00:20:56,250 --> 00:20:58,460
Your tax status
report.
496
00:21:00,130 --> 00:21:02,380
Rate schedule.
497
00:21:02,420 --> 00:21:04,340
For God sakes, get a paperclip!
498
00:21:08,010 --> 00:21:08,930
DOUG:Oh, God.
499
00:21:08,970 --> 00:21:10,350
Oh...
500
00:21:10,390 --> 00:21:12,180
I'm right here
with you, baby.
501
00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:13,270
Just breathe.
502
00:21:13,310 --> 00:21:15,270
[DOING LA MAZE BREATHING]
503
00:21:15,310 --> 00:21:18,520
DOCTOR: You're doing great.
We're almost there.
504
00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:19,610
Hang on.
Hang on, baby.
505
00:21:19,650 --> 00:21:21,280
I'm trying.
I'm trying.
506
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:24,030
DOCTOR: It's just about out.
507
00:21:24,070 --> 00:21:25,360
Okay, here we go.
508
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,030
It's coming.
509
00:21:28,070 --> 00:21:29,870
It's...out!
510
00:21:29,910 --> 00:21:30,950
Oh...oh...
511
00:21:30,990 --> 00:21:32,540
DOCTOR:
And everything's fine.
512
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,250
I love you.
513
00:21:35,290 --> 00:21:36,830
I love you, too.
514
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,210
[STAPLE RATTLES]
515
00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:46,630
MAN: Spooner.
516
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:47,680
Spooner!
517
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,220
ARTHUR: Yeah?
518
00:21:49,260 --> 00:21:51,350
MAN: Don't carry that rivet gun
in your pocket.
519
00:21:51,390 --> 00:21:53,480
ARTHUR: Don't tell me.
520
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:54,310
[RIVET, RIVET, RIVET]
521
00:21:54,350 --> 00:21:57,150
ARTHUR: Ohhh!
522
00:21:57,190 --> 00:21:58,770
ARTHUR: We need help over here!
523
00:22:01,150 --> 00:22:04,570
[**]
35496
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