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1
00:00:03,796 --> 00:00:05,660
Oh, for God's sake,
what was that?!
2
00:00:16,844 --> 00:00:19,398
Wherever you are,
whatever you've done,
3
00:00:19,433 --> 00:00:21,262
don't think I won't find you.
4
00:00:28,304 --> 00:00:31,514
♪ Life is unfair.
5
00:00:35,932 --> 00:00:38,176
We're so glad Francis decided
to come down for a visit.
6
00:00:38,210 --> 00:00:39,832
It's been so long
since we've seen him.
7
00:00:39,867 --> 00:00:42,628
And you tagging along
is an added bonus.
8
00:00:42,663 --> 00:00:45,010
Well, making you happy
makes me happy.
9
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,356
You know, I don't
think that nursery
10
00:00:46,391 --> 00:00:47,978
would ever get done
without Francis' help.
11
00:00:48,013 --> 00:00:49,808
Hal has this thing
about heights.
12
00:00:49,842 --> 00:00:50,981
I can't reach it.
13
00:00:51,016 --> 00:00:52,604
Dad, you have to come up
another rung.
14
00:00:53,708 --> 00:00:55,641
My ears are popping!
15
00:00:56,987 --> 00:00:58,955
So my doctor said
I only have to wear
16
00:00:58,989 --> 00:01:01,061
these special shoes
for two more years.
17
00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:03,097
Then I'm down to
nights and weekends.
18
00:01:03,132 --> 00:01:04,822
Great Scott!
You got a letter
19
00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:05,824
from Martindale Academy!
20
00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:08,033
What's Martindale Academy?
21
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,172
It's the greatest,
22
00:01:09,207 --> 00:01:11,036
most advanced private
school in existence.
23
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,451
Do you know how many
millions they've spent
24
00:01:12,486 --> 00:01:14,177
to make sure you've
never heard about it?
25
00:01:14,212 --> 00:01:15,868
It says I've been accepted.
26
00:01:15,903 --> 00:01:17,111
I didn't even apply.
27
00:01:17,146 --> 00:01:19,286
No one applies. They find you.
28
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:20,287
This is
unbelievable.
29
00:01:20,321 --> 00:01:22,220
Malcolm, you're going
to the show.
30
00:01:22,254 --> 00:01:23,635
You're set for life!
31
00:01:23,669 --> 00:01:25,188
Wait, what am I thinking?
32
00:01:25,223 --> 00:01:27,156
You can't go.
You're too poor.
33
00:01:27,190 --> 00:01:29,399
You're like the
poorest guy I know.
34
00:01:29,434 --> 00:01:31,746
Oh, I'm such a jerk!
35
00:01:31,781 --> 00:01:33,472
Here I am, describing
this nirvana
36
00:01:33,507 --> 00:01:35,198
you'll never be
able to experience.
37
00:01:35,233 --> 00:01:37,407
Holding out this hope
of power and success
38
00:01:37,442 --> 00:01:39,168
to a guy in
a three-dollar shirt.
39
00:01:39,202 --> 00:01:41,239
I mean, look at this hovel!
40
00:01:41,273 --> 00:01:44,414
Lloyd, you have to stop talking.
41
00:01:44,449 --> 00:01:46,416
It's okay to cry, Malcolm.
42
00:01:46,451 --> 00:01:48,246
Tears are free.
43
00:01:49,799 --> 00:01:51,594
Okay, everybody.
44
00:01:51,628 --> 00:01:52,560
Just got back
from the doctor
45
00:01:52,595 --> 00:01:54,217
and everything's fine,
46
00:01:54,252 --> 00:01:56,806
but baby's a little bit
bigger than expected.
47
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,670
HAL: So, instead of having
the baby in two weeks
48
00:01:58,704 --> 00:02:00,189
like we thought, we're going
49
00:02:00,223 --> 00:02:01,845
to induce labor
on Thursday.
50
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:02,881
Thursday?!
51
00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:03,847
This Thursday?!
52
00:02:03,882 --> 00:02:04,952
You can't do that!
53
00:02:04,986 --> 00:02:06,954
Oh, what difference
does it make?
54
00:02:06,988 --> 00:02:09,508
It's just six days sooner
that our lives are over.
55
00:02:09,543 --> 00:02:11,026
Hal.
56
00:02:11,061 --> 00:02:13,961
And... our new,
more fulfilling lives begin.
57
00:02:13,995 --> 00:02:15,065
This stinks.
58
00:02:15,100 --> 00:02:16,377
LOIS:
I know this is being
59
00:02:16,412 --> 00:02:17,551
sprung on you very suddenly,
60
00:02:17,585 --> 00:02:19,346
and you all have a right
to be a little upset.
61
00:02:19,380 --> 00:02:21,106
A little?!Don't push it.
62
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,935
Hal, you know what?
I've got an idea.
63
00:02:22,970 --> 00:02:24,178
Why don't you
take the boys
64
00:02:24,213 --> 00:02:25,731
out tomorrow and
do something fun?
65
00:02:25,766 --> 00:02:27,250
I could use the time
alone anyway
66
00:02:27,285 --> 00:02:29,632
to straighten up the house
before the baby comes.
67
00:02:29,666 --> 00:02:30,736
I can help
you clean.
68
00:02:30,771 --> 00:02:32,255
Well, that'll take
a little longer,
69
00:02:32,290 --> 00:02:33,946
but I guess I could
use the company.
70
00:02:33,981 --> 00:02:35,016
HAL:
Hey, there's a car show
71
00:02:35,051 --> 00:02:36,363
at the convention center.
72
00:02:36,397 --> 00:02:37,640
Yeah, let's spend the whole day
73
00:02:37,674 --> 00:02:39,469
looking at cool things
that we'll never get to own.
74
00:02:39,504 --> 00:02:41,954
Oh, come on, Malcolm, if we only
looked at stuff we could afford,
75
00:02:41,989 --> 00:02:43,439
all we'd ever
see is crap.
76
00:02:43,473 --> 00:02:44,612
HAL:
Don't be a party pooper.
77
00:02:44,647 --> 00:02:46,131
It'll be great.
78
00:02:47,339 --> 00:02:49,617
MALCOLM:
"Festival of Brides"?
79
00:02:49,652 --> 00:02:51,619
That's the lamest
name for a car show
I've ever heard.
80
00:02:51,654 --> 00:02:53,276
No, the car show
was here last week.
81
00:02:53,311 --> 00:02:54,450
Let's get out of here.
82
00:02:54,484 --> 00:02:56,762
No. I just dropped 15 bucks
on parking.
83
00:02:56,797 --> 00:02:58,971
We're going in.
84
00:02:59,006 --> 00:03:00,628
I know it's your fifth child,
85
00:03:00,663 --> 00:03:02,872
but still, you must be
a little excited.
86
00:03:02,906 --> 00:03:04,977
Well, sure, every
child is exciting.
87
00:03:05,012 --> 00:03:07,083
Not that you want to rush
into something like that.
88
00:03:07,842 --> 00:03:08,878
Oh!
89
00:03:08,912 --> 00:03:10,362
Wow.
90
00:03:10,397 --> 00:03:11,605
You okay?
91
00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:13,814
The baby just started
kicking like crazy.
92
00:03:13,848 --> 00:03:15,678
It's almost
like something
was upsetting...
93
00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:19,302
Mom!
94
00:03:19,337 --> 00:03:21,235
Are you going to open the door
95
00:03:21,270 --> 00:03:24,825
or should I lie down
in the grass and feed the worms?
96
00:03:24,859 --> 00:03:26,136
Oh, great.
97
00:03:26,171 --> 00:03:27,862
Who opened the gates of hell?
98
00:03:27,897 --> 00:03:29,830
Mom? This is a surprise.
99
00:03:29,864 --> 00:03:31,832
What are you doing here?
100
00:03:31,866 --> 00:03:33,972
I'm moving in.
101
00:03:34,006 --> 00:03:35,801
What do you mean
you're moving in?
102
00:03:35,836 --> 00:03:38,494
You are family, you
will take care of me.
103
00:03:38,528 --> 00:03:39,840
This is ridiculous.
104
00:03:39,874 --> 00:03:40,841
You have a condo.
105
00:03:40,875 --> 00:03:41,945
It's nicer than this house.
106
00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:43,015
It burned down.
107
00:03:43,050 --> 00:03:45,328
Mother, you
can't just...
108
00:03:45,363 --> 00:03:46,571
How did your house burn down?
109
00:03:46,605 --> 00:03:48,228
It was the villagers,
wasn't it?
110
00:03:49,401 --> 00:03:51,438
It's a mystery.
111
00:03:51,472 --> 00:03:53,267
Why don't you go stay
at Susan's?
112
00:03:53,302 --> 00:03:56,166
She has four extra bedrooms
and a satellite dish.
113
00:03:56,201 --> 00:03:58,238
Your sister should stick
her head in a can of beans!
114
00:03:58,272 --> 00:03:59,308
What?!
115
00:03:59,342 --> 00:04:00,688
She's always been your favorite.
116
00:04:00,723 --> 00:04:02,518
She's the only one you called
when Dad died.
117
00:04:02,552 --> 00:04:04,071
She isn't my favorite anymore!
118
00:04:04,105 --> 00:04:06,073
She called me bitter!
119
00:04:06,107 --> 00:04:08,075
Then she hung up on me.
120
00:04:08,109 --> 00:04:09,249
On me!
121
00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,043
Or maybe I hung up on her.
122
00:04:11,078 --> 00:04:12,666
Who remembers?
123
00:04:12,700 --> 00:04:15,013
Either way,
she should rot in hell.
124
00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:17,533
Mother, we can't afford
to put you up here.
125
00:04:17,567 --> 00:04:19,086
You can afford a maid.
126
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:20,708
I'm not the maid, Ida.
127
00:04:20,743 --> 00:04:21,846
My name is Piama.
128
00:04:21,882 --> 00:04:23,573
I'm married to Francis.
129
00:04:23,608 --> 00:04:26,576
Tell the help
not to talk to me.
130
00:04:26,611 --> 00:04:28,647
♪ Yahoo
131
00:04:31,892 --> 00:04:36,828
♪ Celebrate good times,
come on ♪
132
00:04:36,862 --> 00:04:39,106
♪ It's a celebration...
133
00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:40,970
I know I haven't
been everywhere,
134
00:04:41,004 --> 00:04:42,074
but I'm pretty sure
135
00:04:42,109 --> 00:04:44,318
this is the most
boring place on Earth.
136
00:04:44,353 --> 00:04:46,286
What are you talking about,
Reese?
137
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,564
Do you know
what kind of craftsmanship
138
00:04:48,598 --> 00:04:50,566
goes into these lace veils? Huh?
139
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,085
So, uh, Dad, I
was wondering,
140
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,812
do you have any kind
of savings put away?
141
00:05:02,992 --> 00:05:05,926
Ooh, I'll have to tell
your mother that one.
142
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,272
No, I'm serious.
143
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,618
What if something came up?
144
00:05:08,653 --> 00:05:10,344
Like a big, unexpected expense?
145
00:05:10,379 --> 00:05:12,588
Are you prepared
for something like that?
146
00:05:12,622 --> 00:05:13,968
Don't worry
about that stuff, son.
147
00:05:14,003 --> 00:05:15,867
Things have a way
of taking care of themselves.
148
00:05:15,901 --> 00:05:17,351
But...
Come on.
149
00:05:17,386 --> 00:05:19,767
You boys are young.
You're at a bridal expo.
150
00:05:19,802 --> 00:05:22,183
You should be having
the time of your lives.
151
00:05:22,839 --> 00:05:24,462
Dewey?
152
00:05:24,496 --> 00:05:25,601
Dewey?
153
00:05:25,635 --> 00:05:27,361
What are those wires for?
154
00:05:27,396 --> 00:05:28,811
You see that big spotlight
up there?
155
00:05:28,845 --> 00:05:30,606
I'm in charge
of that puppy.
156
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:31,469
You like it?
157
00:05:31,503 --> 00:05:32,849
I really do.
158
00:05:34,575 --> 00:05:37,509
I'd like to tell you
a little story.
159
00:05:38,890 --> 00:05:41,202
FRANCIS :
Are you going to let her
160
00:05:41,237 --> 00:05:42,445
get away with this?
161
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:44,654
You are, aren't you?
162
00:05:44,689 --> 00:05:46,173
She's my mother.
163
00:05:46,207 --> 00:05:48,071
You know the way I am
around her.
164
00:05:48,106 --> 00:05:49,487
Okay, if that's what you want.
165
00:05:49,521 --> 00:05:50,971
That woman being one of
166
00:05:51,005 --> 00:05:52,386
the first people
your new baby sees
167
00:05:52,421 --> 00:05:53,767
when it comes
into this world.
168
00:05:53,801 --> 00:05:56,045
Smiling down at it,
169
00:05:56,079 --> 00:05:58,219
cradling it in her arms.
170
00:05:58,254 --> 00:06:00,808
You're right.
She's got to go.
171
00:06:00,843 --> 00:06:01,913
LOIS:
Mom.
172
00:06:03,328 --> 00:06:05,261
There's something important
that I have to tell you.
173
00:06:05,295 --> 00:06:07,090
What is it?
174
00:06:09,265 --> 00:06:11,405
You are a horrible mother!
175
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:13,442
You've always been
a horrible mother!
176
00:06:13,476 --> 00:06:14,546
My whole childhood
177
00:06:14,581 --> 00:06:15,996
you'd bully me and ignore me
178
00:06:16,030 --> 00:06:17,031
and trivialize
my feelings
179
00:06:17,066 --> 00:06:18,412
and do nothing
but heap praise
180
00:06:18,447 --> 00:06:21,415
on my sister until I felt like
I was worthless in comparison!
181
00:06:21,450 --> 00:06:23,037
Well, now she's worthless.
182
00:06:23,072 --> 00:06:25,108
I've got a right
to change my mind.
183
00:06:25,143 --> 00:06:28,215
But just because your sister
disgusts me more than you do
184
00:06:28,249 --> 00:06:31,045
doesn't give you the right
to talk to me like this!
185
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:35,049
I will talk to you any damn way
I want, you hateful old woman!
186
00:06:35,084 --> 00:06:36,223
You are leaving!
187
00:06:36,257 --> 00:06:37,638
Wow! I don't know how
188
00:06:37,673 --> 00:06:40,641
I finally summoned the
strength to do that,
189
00:06:40,676 --> 00:06:41,953
but it feels great!
190
00:06:41,987 --> 00:06:44,749
Now I'm not asking you,
I'm telling you!
191
00:06:44,783 --> 00:06:46,958
Get out of my house!
192
00:06:46,992 --> 00:06:48,994
No.
193
00:06:50,582 --> 00:06:51,859
What?
194
00:06:51,894 --> 00:06:53,965
You heard me.
I said "no."
195
00:06:53,999 --> 00:06:55,242
What do you mean, "no"?
196
00:06:55,276 --> 00:06:56,761
You don't have any choice.
197
00:06:56,795 --> 00:06:58,418
What are you going to do?
198
00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:00,316
Pick me up and throw me out?
199
00:07:00,350 --> 00:07:03,250
Are you going to toss an old
woman out into the street?
200
00:07:03,284 --> 00:07:05,459
In front of your neighbors?
201
00:07:06,529 --> 00:07:07,841
Sounds good to me.
202
00:07:07,875 --> 00:07:09,256
Whoa!
You brought this
on yourself,
203
00:07:09,290 --> 00:07:10,809
you old monster.
204
00:07:10,844 --> 00:07:12,673
You have no idea
how good this makes me...
205
00:07:30,898 --> 00:07:32,866
Attention, ladies and gentlemen.
206
00:07:32,900 --> 00:07:34,315
It's your "clucky" day.
207
00:07:34,350 --> 00:07:37,940
Chicken dance lessons are being
given every ten minutes
208
00:07:37,974 --> 00:07:40,460
at the Fielding Dance Academy
pavilion.
209
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:41,978
Excuse me.
210
00:07:42,013 --> 00:07:45,326
Can I talk to you
for a second?
211
00:07:46,707 --> 00:07:48,882
Hey, can you get me a piece
with a flower?
212
00:07:48,916 --> 00:07:50,884
I'm talking
to an actual customer right now.
213
00:07:50,918 --> 00:07:52,023
I'm a customer.
214
00:07:52,057 --> 00:07:54,128
Yeah?
Are you getting married?
215
00:07:54,163 --> 00:07:55,820
Why, does somebody like me?
216
00:07:55,854 --> 00:07:58,305
Hey, what are you,
about five-seven?Yeah.
217
00:07:58,339 --> 00:07:59,513
Perfect. I own a tux shop.
218
00:07:59,548 --> 00:08:00,825
One of my models
didn't show up.
219
00:08:00,859 --> 00:08:02,723
I'll give you 20 bucks
if you walk around
220
00:08:02,758 --> 00:08:04,794
the floor in a tux
and pass out my card.Buzz off.
221
00:08:04,829 --> 00:08:06,693
20 bucks?
He'll do it.
222
00:08:06,727 --> 00:08:08,211
Need anybody in my size?
223
00:08:09,454 --> 00:08:10,662
It's very simple.
224
00:08:10,697 --> 00:08:13,493
You just walk up to somebody,
get down on one knee,
225
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,356
hand them one of my cards
and say,
226
00:08:15,391 --> 00:08:18,567
"I propose that you get your
tuxedo from Wojodubakowski's."
227
00:08:18,601 --> 00:08:19,360
No problem.
228
00:08:23,399 --> 00:08:28,473
♪ Everyone around the world,
come on ♪
229
00:08:29,785 --> 00:08:32,408
I think the accordion is
really underrated.
230
00:08:32,442 --> 00:08:34,548
Yes! Yes, it is!
231
00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:35,722
♪ Yahoo!
232
00:08:35,756 --> 00:08:38,621
What are you doing today
at 3:16?
233
00:08:39,864 --> 00:08:42,452
Hey, sir, how
about some cake?
234
00:08:42,486 --> 00:08:43,971
Sure.
235
00:08:44,006 --> 00:08:45,835
Can I have a piece
with the flower?
236
00:08:45,870 --> 00:08:50,288
No. You get one with a flower
and a little lemon bee on it.
237
00:08:54,913 --> 00:08:56,397
Mom, wake up.
238
00:08:56,432 --> 00:08:57,640
Take the children.
239
00:08:57,675 --> 00:08:58,814
Just let me live.
240
00:08:58,848 --> 00:09:00,885
Remember, I didn't want
to do this.
241
00:09:00,919 --> 00:09:02,438
Do what?
242
00:09:02,472 --> 00:09:04,613
That's the police. You see
what you've driven me to?
243
00:09:04,647 --> 00:09:07,305
I've actually
called the police
on my own mother.
244
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,582
They're here
to cart you away.
245
00:09:08,617 --> 00:09:11,965
How could you do this to me?!
246
00:09:11,999 --> 00:09:14,070
After everything I've done
for you?
247
00:09:14,105 --> 00:09:15,762
We're family, for God's sake!
248
00:09:15,796 --> 00:09:17,280
Good. You're here.
249
00:09:17,315 --> 00:09:18,730
That's them.
Get 'em out of here.
250
00:09:18,765 --> 00:09:19,973
What?!
251
00:09:20,007 --> 00:09:21,319
They've been
stealing from me.
252
00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:22,596
I want them out
of my house.
253
00:09:22,631 --> 00:09:23,770
Wait a minute.
254
00:09:23,804 --> 00:09:24,943
No, this is my house!
255
00:09:24,978 --> 00:09:26,600
Folks, let's just slow down.
256
00:09:26,635 --> 00:09:29,085
I have the deed. It's in
the safety deposit box
257
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,673
at the Valley Federal Bank.
258
00:09:30,708 --> 00:09:33,469
Number 24866.
You can check.
259
00:09:33,503 --> 00:09:35,609
No! I have the deed!
260
00:09:35,644 --> 00:09:36,955
It's, uh, yeah, uh...
261
00:09:36,990 --> 00:09:38,129
It's in a shoe box.
262
00:09:38,163 --> 00:09:39,475
It's under-under my bed...
263
00:09:39,509 --> 00:09:41,960
Well, I don't know where it is,
but this is my house!
264
00:09:41,995 --> 00:09:43,997
You devious,
ungrateful girl!
265
00:09:44,031 --> 00:09:45,792
She's done
nothing but lie
266
00:09:45,826 --> 00:09:47,483
since the day
I took her in.
267
00:09:47,517 --> 00:09:49,174
And her big boyfriend
268
00:09:49,209 --> 00:09:50,313
thinks he's
so tough.
269
00:09:50,348 --> 00:09:53,523
How tough is it
to hit an old woman.
270
00:09:55,180 --> 00:09:56,768
You... dirty old...!
271
00:09:56,803 --> 00:09:59,012
This is what she does.
272
00:09:59,046 --> 00:10:00,254
You have to stop her.
273
00:10:00,289 --> 00:10:01,393
You have to stop her!
274
00:10:02,671 --> 00:10:05,156
As I was saying,
she is a very clever woman,
275
00:10:05,190 --> 00:10:06,985
and if you knew her as I do,
276
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:09,505
you too would be suspicious
of her story.
277
00:10:09,539 --> 00:10:11,231
And on Monday,
when the bank opens,
278
00:10:11,265 --> 00:10:13,578
whoever actually has the deed
can go get it.
279
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,166
Then you apply
for a court order
280
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,202
and the whole thing
should be straightened out
281
00:10:17,237 --> 00:10:18,272
in six to eight months.
282
00:10:19,757 --> 00:10:20,999
You can get
up now, sir.
283
00:10:23,346 --> 00:10:24,969
And if you hurt
a single hair
284
00:10:25,003 --> 00:10:27,247
on that old lady's
head, I'll be back.
285
00:10:27,281 --> 00:10:29,698
Off duty.
286
00:10:44,885 --> 00:10:46,266
Pass the rolls.
287
00:10:52,617 --> 00:10:54,895
You think that bothers me?
288
00:10:56,932 --> 00:11:00,280
Guess why your soup
tasted different
289
00:11:00,314 --> 00:11:02,178
when you came back
from bathroom.
290
00:11:03,835 --> 00:11:05,630
Ugh.
291
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,390
There has to
be some way to
get rid of her.
292
00:11:07,425 --> 00:11:09,047
Well, we know
she doesn't burn.
293
00:11:09,082 --> 00:11:10,808
Let's just face it.
We're stuck with her.
294
00:11:10,842 --> 00:11:11,981
You can't give up.
295
00:11:12,016 --> 00:11:13,569
You can
totally do this.
296
00:11:13,603 --> 00:11:15,329
I'm sorry.
I just don't know what to do.
297
00:11:15,364 --> 00:11:17,124
She's too powerful.
298
00:11:17,159 --> 00:11:19,126
Every monster
has its weakness.
299
00:11:19,161 --> 00:11:20,265
Frankenstein has fire.
300
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:21,922
Dracula, the cross.
301
00:11:21,957 --> 00:11:24,753
There has to be something
that Grandma's afraid of.
302
00:11:26,340 --> 00:11:29,447
So, what would you like me
to do for you?
303
00:11:30,482 --> 00:11:31,621
Well, it's, uh...
304
00:11:32,864 --> 00:11:34,003
It's kind of hard
to say,
305
00:11:34,038 --> 00:11:35,660
Abe, um...
306
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,351
It-it has to do
with my mother.
307
00:11:37,386 --> 00:11:39,526
Oh, I know about mothers.
Every time
308
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:40,596
mine comes over
to Sunday dinner,
309
00:11:40,630 --> 00:11:42,771
she always brings that pecan pie
310
00:11:42,805 --> 00:11:44,531
with real whipped cream.
311
00:11:44,565 --> 00:11:46,257
And she knows
that's my one weakness.
312
00:11:46,291 --> 00:11:47,534
Our grandma's kind of like that.
313
00:11:47,568 --> 00:11:49,639
Except she's a wrinkled sack
of hatred
314
00:11:49,674 --> 00:11:51,814
kept alive only by the will
to destroy.
315
00:11:51,849 --> 00:11:54,127
We just want her
out of the house,
316
00:11:54,161 --> 00:11:55,818
and she refuses to leave.
317
00:11:55,853 --> 00:11:58,787
:
And I have this idea.
318
00:11:58,821 --> 00:12:00,202
You see,
319
00:12:00,236 --> 00:12:02,031
she's a horrible bigot.
320
00:12:02,066 --> 00:12:03,308
I mean, she's
321
00:12:03,343 --> 00:12:05,448
terrified of...
322
00:12:05,483 --> 00:12:06,656
black people.
323
00:12:06,691 --> 00:12:08,175
Oh.
324
00:12:08,210 --> 00:12:11,109
What do you want me to...?
325
00:12:12,214 --> 00:12:14,147
Oh. Oh-oh, I see.
326
00:12:14,181 --> 00:12:16,666
B-Because I'm...
327
00:12:16,701 --> 00:12:19,324
Well, you want me to...
328
00:12:19,359 --> 00:12:22,500
Well, I-I suppose I...
329
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,467
Really?
330
00:12:24,502 --> 00:12:26,953
I'd do it, but I'm
not dark enough.
331
00:12:26,987 --> 00:12:28,886
I just annoy her.
332
00:12:36,238 --> 00:12:37,722
And then Isaid,
333
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:41,450
"Orange you glad
I didn't say 'banana'?"
334
00:12:42,934 --> 00:12:44,211
Hey.
335
00:12:44,246 --> 00:12:46,248
I found these
in the trash.
336
00:12:46,282 --> 00:12:47,594
Can we discuss this later?
337
00:12:47,628 --> 00:12:48,560
I'm with friends.
338
00:12:48,595 --> 00:12:49,354
Give me the tux.
339
00:12:49,389 --> 00:12:50,700
What?
340
00:12:50,735 --> 00:12:51,874
Thank you.
No!
341
00:12:51,909 --> 00:12:54,256
I like this tux.
It's mine.
342
00:12:54,290 --> 00:12:57,017
It's not yours. Now give it
back, or I'll call security.
343
00:12:57,052 --> 00:12:58,812
Hey, I'm over there!
344
00:12:58,847 --> 00:12:59,951
Hey... you...
345
00:12:59,986 --> 00:13:01,194
Hey!
346
00:13:01,228 --> 00:13:02,436
Tell me which
one you like.
347
00:13:02,471 --> 00:13:03,748
And be honest.
348
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:04,887
Dad, I just want to know.
349
00:13:04,922 --> 00:13:06,889
Do you have any kind
of financial plan at all?
350
00:13:06,924 --> 00:13:07,959
Any plan
about anything?
351
00:13:07,994 --> 00:13:09,202
Malcolm, I'm telling
you for the last time,
352
00:13:09,236 --> 00:13:10,582
stop worrying
about money.
353
00:13:10,617 --> 00:13:12,412
Hey, I do your taxes.
I know what you and Mom make.
354
00:13:12,446 --> 00:13:14,103
I know how much you're spending,
355
00:13:14,138 --> 00:13:16,209
and I have a pretty good idea
what it costs to have a baby.
356
00:13:16,243 --> 00:13:18,211
You guys are going to
be at least 70 bucks
357
00:13:18,245 --> 00:13:19,384
in the hole
every month.
358
00:13:19,419 --> 00:13:21,214
By the time the baby
starts school,
359
00:13:21,248 --> 00:13:23,043
you're going to be $18,000
in debt,
360
00:13:23,078 --> 00:13:25,045
and that's where
they'll cut you off.
361
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,151
You're going to be bankrupt
and ruined.
362
00:13:27,185 --> 00:13:28,290
Something will come up.
363
00:13:28,324 --> 00:13:29,360
You can't keep saying that.
364
00:13:29,394 --> 00:13:30,982
Fine. I'm a failure
as a father.
365
00:13:31,017 --> 00:13:32,259
I'm a terrible provider.
366
00:13:32,294 --> 00:13:33,882
Is that what you want to hear?
367
00:13:33,916 --> 00:13:36,298
No.
368
00:13:36,332 --> 00:13:38,093
But I have a way to fix it.
369
00:13:38,127 --> 00:13:39,680
What's this?
370
00:13:39,715 --> 00:13:42,442
It's from the Martindale
Academy.
371
00:13:43,305 --> 00:13:45,583
It's this amazing prep school...
372
00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:47,240
but it's in London.
373
00:13:48,517 --> 00:13:50,484
They're offering me
a complete scholarship.
374
00:13:50,519 --> 00:13:52,486
Tuition, housing,
375
00:13:52,521 --> 00:13:53,833
everything.
376
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,559
If I'm not home...
377
00:13:56,594 --> 00:13:58,665
you just might make it.
378
00:13:58,699 --> 00:14:00,701
I'm totally willing to do it.
379
00:14:03,152 --> 00:14:05,499
Absolutely not.
380
00:14:05,534 --> 00:14:07,501
You don't get to leave.
381
00:14:07,536 --> 00:14:09,296
But you...Malcolm, you're our only hope.
382
00:14:09,331 --> 00:14:11,022
Hold this.Sure.
383
00:14:11,057 --> 00:14:12,679
Now let me explain
something to you.
384
00:14:12,713 --> 00:14:14,405
Whenever your mother or I say
385
00:14:14,439 --> 00:14:16,648
"Something will come up"
or "Things will work out,"
386
00:14:16,683 --> 00:14:20,031
that is our code for "Malcolm
will think of something."
387
00:14:20,066 --> 00:14:21,688
But...We need you.
388
00:14:21,722 --> 00:14:23,483
The family is only a family
389
00:14:23,517 --> 00:14:25,657
as long as we all
stick together.
390
00:14:27,073 --> 00:14:29,075
Where's Dewey?
391
00:14:34,287 --> 00:14:36,737
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you'll please
392
00:14:36,772 --> 00:14:39,119
turn your attention
to the man with the balloon,
393
00:14:39,154 --> 00:14:40,880
and listen to the following
394
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:43,054
heart-wrenching story.
395
00:14:45,263 --> 00:14:47,748
Hello. My name is Dewey.
396
00:14:47,783 --> 00:14:51,891
And the man with the balloon
is my father, Hal.
397
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:52,892
Dewey?
398
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:53,996
Where are you?
399
00:14:54,031 --> 00:14:55,170
See,
400
00:14:55,204 --> 00:14:56,965
I'm the youngest
of four kids,
401
00:14:56,999 --> 00:14:59,933
and I always get
the short end
of everything.
402
00:14:59,968 --> 00:15:04,075
I've never had a hot shower
or a bed to myself.
403
00:15:04,110 --> 00:15:06,181
I'm the third person
to wear this underwear.
404
00:15:06,215 --> 00:15:09,218
And yet, I've
never complained.
405
00:15:09,253 --> 00:15:11,220
Dewey, what is this about?!
406
00:15:11,255 --> 00:15:15,121
Even when my parents decided
to have another baby.
407
00:15:15,155 --> 00:15:16,398
I was happy to share
408
00:15:16,432 --> 00:15:17,640
what little I have.
409
00:15:17,675 --> 00:15:21,023
And then they told me
they're inducing labor.
410
00:15:21,058 --> 00:15:25,200
And they picked a really
interesting day to do it.
411
00:15:25,234 --> 00:15:28,237
Do you remember what day
you picked, Dad?
412
00:15:28,272 --> 00:15:29,307
Dewey!
413
00:15:29,342 --> 00:15:31,861
What day did you pick, Dad?
414
00:15:31,896 --> 00:15:33,070
It's Thursday.
415
00:15:33,104 --> 00:15:35,486
Just come down from...
wherever you are.
416
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,937
Of all the days
you could have picked,
417
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:39,939
you chose
this Thursday.
418
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:42,907
Anything interesting
about Thursday, Dad?
419
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,805
Will you stop this?
420
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,566
Anything at all
you can think of
421
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,740
that might be happening
this Thursday?
422
00:15:48,775 --> 00:15:52,123
Okay, Dewey, what is
the big deal about Thursday?
423
00:15:52,158 --> 00:15:55,575
:
It's my birthday.
424
00:15:57,715 --> 00:15:59,717
It is not your...
425
00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:02,202
Oh, God!
426
00:16:03,376 --> 00:16:05,481
Well, ladies
and gentleman...
427
00:16:05,516 --> 00:16:07,897
that's the story
of the little boy
428
00:16:07,932 --> 00:16:09,865
who lost his birthday.
429
00:16:09,899 --> 00:16:12,109
If you have any thoughts
or comments,
430
00:16:12,143 --> 00:16:14,283
my dad would love to hear them.
431
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,217
This would be a good time
432
00:16:17,252 --> 00:16:19,702
for one of those ideas
we were talking about.
433
00:16:19,737 --> 00:16:21,670
I've got nothing.
434
00:16:21,704 --> 00:16:23,603
LOIS:
Thank you so much
for coming over.
435
00:16:23,637 --> 00:16:25,708
I know this is
a little weird.
436
00:16:25,743 --> 00:16:26,986
Actually, I'm kind of excited.
437
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:28,504
This is kind of like
438
00:16:28,539 --> 00:16:30,990
when I did Spoon River Anthology
in college.
439
00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:33,682
Do we have
to hear that story again?
440
00:16:33,716 --> 00:16:36,167
We sold out both shows.
441
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,346
Four pillows on one bed.
442
00:16:42,380 --> 00:16:45,556
This is why
you can't feed your children.
443
00:16:48,938 --> 00:16:50,147
Oh, hi, Mom.
444
00:16:50,181 --> 00:16:52,252
I'd like you to meet
some of our friends.
445
00:16:52,287 --> 00:16:54,496
This is Brian
and this is Abe.
446
00:16:54,530 --> 00:16:56,670
Nice to meet you, ma'am.
447
00:16:56,705 --> 00:16:57,326
If you'll
448
00:16:57,361 --> 00:16:58,638
excuse me.
449
00:16:58,672 --> 00:17:00,157
I need to use...
450
00:17:00,191 --> 00:17:02,676
your toilet.
451
00:17:02,711 --> 00:17:03,677
I've been telling Abe
452
00:17:03,712 --> 00:17:05,231
all about you.
453
00:17:05,714 --> 00:17:07,715
Welcome...
454
00:17:07,750 --> 00:17:11,306
to da... hood... yo, yo.
455
00:17:12,962 --> 00:17:15,103
Gettin' all jiggly with it.
456
00:17:16,104 --> 00:17:19,279
Representin'.
457
00:17:19,314 --> 00:17:21,281
Uh... uh...
458
00:17:21,316 --> 00:17:23,352
Can't touch this.
459
00:17:23,387 --> 00:17:24,560
Abe?
Huh?
460
00:17:24,595 --> 00:17:25,458
:
Chill.
461
00:17:27,011 --> 00:17:27,598
Hello.
462
00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:30,773
Everybody decent?
463
00:17:30,808 --> 00:17:32,568
I used my spare key
to get in.
464
00:17:32,603 --> 00:17:33,983
I hope you don't mind.
465
00:17:34,018 --> 00:17:35,157
That's why you have it.
466
00:17:35,192 --> 00:17:36,262
So you can come over
467
00:17:36,296 --> 00:17:37,884
anytime you want.
468
00:17:37,918 --> 00:17:39,713
Mom, these are our neighbors.
469
00:17:39,748 --> 00:17:41,198
Steve lives next door.
470
00:17:41,232 --> 00:17:42,406
Malik is on the other side.
471
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,649
And Trey lives
across the street.
472
00:17:44,684 --> 00:17:46,582
Why, Lois, you make it sound
473
00:17:46,617 --> 00:17:50,724
like you're...
surrounded.
474
00:17:50,759 --> 00:17:52,588
Allow me.
475
00:18:02,564 --> 00:18:04,117
Well, hello.
476
00:18:04,152 --> 00:18:06,740
And who is this fine lady?
477
00:18:06,775 --> 00:18:07,914
So what you doing
478
00:18:07,948 --> 00:18:09,191
later on?
479
00:18:09,985 --> 00:18:12,470
'Cause I like that wagon
480
00:18:12,505 --> 00:18:14,576
you draggin'.
481
00:18:23,964 --> 00:18:25,966
Mom, where are you going?
482
00:18:26,001 --> 00:18:28,037
I can't believe
you live like this.
483
00:18:28,072 --> 00:18:30,074
I would rather sleep
in a bus station
484
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,455
or a Dumpster.
485
00:18:31,489 --> 00:18:32,628
Well, there's
obviously
486
00:18:32,663 --> 00:18:35,010
nothing I can do
to change your mind,
487
00:18:35,044 --> 00:18:36,322
but I'm heartbroken.
488
00:18:36,356 --> 00:18:38,634
You only just
got here. I...
489
00:18:38,669 --> 00:18:40,291
What's wrong with you?
490
00:18:40,326 --> 00:18:42,949
Nothing.
491
00:18:42,983 --> 00:18:45,054
Everything is perfectly fine.
492
00:18:47,574 --> 00:18:49,231
Francis,
493
00:18:49,266 --> 00:18:50,646
you have to listen
very carefully.
494
00:18:50,681 --> 00:18:52,061
God, I'm having a contraction.
495
00:18:52,096 --> 00:18:53,684
I'm going into labor.What?
496
00:18:53,718 --> 00:18:55,548
I have to get
to the hospital,
497
00:18:55,582 --> 00:18:57,653
and you have got to get your
grandmother out of here now.
498
00:18:59,345 --> 00:19:00,622
Come on, Ida.
Let me help you.
499
00:19:00,656 --> 00:19:02,279
Don't you have
rain dance to do?
500
00:19:02,313 --> 00:19:03,556
Bye, Mom.
501
00:19:03,590 --> 00:19:04,557
Great to see you.
502
00:19:04,591 --> 00:19:06,075
Have a safe trip.
503
00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:08,423
Don't forget to call us
whenever you get to...
504
00:19:08,457 --> 00:19:10,356
wherever...
505
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,536
Maybe I'll stay
few more minutes.
506
00:19:27,407 --> 00:19:29,098
Well, Dewey,
I hope you're happy.
507
00:19:29,133 --> 00:19:31,446
I thought I would be,
but not thismuch.
508
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,724
Let's find Reese
and get out of here.
509
00:19:33,758 --> 00:19:35,760
Why is my cell
phone off?
510
00:19:35,795 --> 00:19:38,970
68 messages?!
511
00:19:39,005 --> 00:19:40,213
ABE:
The contraction started
512
00:19:40,248 --> 00:19:41,421
at 3:27.
513
00:19:41,456 --> 00:19:43,699
Oh, this one can tell time.
514
00:19:45,736 --> 00:19:46,875
Hello.
515
00:19:46,909 --> 00:19:48,877
Oh, hello, Hal.
516
00:19:48,911 --> 00:19:51,224
Oh, no, I'm fine.
517
00:19:51,259 --> 00:19:52,260
Now, honey,
518
00:19:52,294 --> 00:19:53,778
I don't want you
to get too excited,
519
00:19:53,813 --> 00:19:55,297
but I think you should
come home now,
520
00:19:55,332 --> 00:19:56,574
because, I'm... well, I'm...
521
00:19:56,609 --> 00:19:58,438
:
I'm having the baby.
522
00:19:58,473 --> 00:19:59,646
What?!
523
00:19:59,681 --> 00:20:00,820
O... kay.
524
00:20:00,854 --> 00:20:02,097
Well, just... stay calm, too.
525
00:20:02,131 --> 00:20:04,410
Yeah, getting worked up
will only accelerate things.
526
00:20:04,444 --> 00:20:05,583
Just relax.
527
00:20:05,618 --> 00:20:06,722
Do your breathing.
528
00:20:07,965 --> 00:20:09,415
Where the hell
is Reese?What's wrong?
529
00:20:09,449 --> 00:20:11,002
Your mom is having the baby now.
530
00:20:11,037 --> 00:20:13,557
See? Was that so hard?
531
00:20:14,661 --> 00:20:16,387
Now, Hal, I don't want you
to panic.
532
00:20:16,422 --> 00:20:17,802
You drive safely.
533
00:20:17,837 --> 00:20:19,839
There's no reason to rush.
534
00:20:19,873 --> 00:20:22,324
Rush? Come on.
You know me
better than that.
535
00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:23,808
Find your brother!
536
00:20:23,843 --> 00:20:26,846
So, I'm just going
to make myself some tea
537
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,192
and relax until you get here.
538
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,504
Good idea.
539
00:20:29,538 --> 00:20:31,540
You know, chamomile
always relaxes me.
540
00:20:31,575 --> 00:20:33,542
Reese! Damn it,
Reese, where are you?!
541
00:20:33,577 --> 00:20:35,164
I'm thinking
of taking Sixth Street home.
542
00:20:35,199 --> 00:20:36,959
You want me to stop
and pick up some ice cream?
543
00:20:36,994 --> 00:20:38,582
Reese!Where are you?
544
00:20:38,616 --> 00:20:41,688
:
Over here.
Reese?!
545
00:20:41,723 --> 00:20:43,311
I'm inside
the giant violin case.
546
00:20:43,345 --> 00:20:44,691
Damn it!
Get him out of there.
547
00:20:45,968 --> 00:20:47,453
So, is that a yes
on the ice cream?
548
00:20:47,487 --> 00:20:48,626
No, I'm fine.
549
00:20:48,661 --> 00:20:50,628
Just come on home... carefully.
550
00:20:50,663 --> 00:20:52,389
Oh.Sure thing.
551
00:20:52,423 --> 00:20:53,976
Honey, can you hold on a second?
552
00:20:54,011 --> 00:20:55,115
Ow!
553
00:20:56,324 --> 00:20:58,257
Hey, what are you doing?
554
00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,569
Boys, run!
555
00:21:02,537 --> 00:21:03,883
The boys send their love, too.
556
00:21:03,917 --> 00:21:05,229
Hey! Hey, you
come back here!
557
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,749
Your kid ran off
with my $600 tuxedo!
558
00:21:07,783 --> 00:21:09,992
So, we're just pulling out
of the garage right now.
559
00:21:10,027 --> 00:21:11,235
Got it on the oldies station.
560
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,512
They're doing
a Beatles "A" to "Z."
561
00:21:12,547 --> 00:21:14,721
Can you think of a Beatles song
that starts with "Z"?
562
00:21:14,756 --> 00:21:15,826
'Cause, frankly, I can't.
563
00:21:15,860 --> 00:21:17,034
Hal...
564
00:21:17,068 --> 00:21:19,105
You sound funny.
Is everything okay?
565
00:21:19,139 --> 00:21:20,900
Yeah, just turning onto Maple.
566
00:21:22,177 --> 00:21:24,317
Hey, the gas station
by the church
567
00:21:24,352 --> 00:21:26,354
stopped selling diesel.
568
00:21:29,357 --> 00:21:31,220
REESE:
Ow!
569
00:21:31,255 --> 00:21:32,636
Shotgun!
570
00:21:35,121 --> 00:21:36,743
Wow, honey, you wouldn't believe
the huge pothole
571
00:21:36,778 --> 00:21:38,400
we just went over.
572
00:21:38,435 --> 00:21:40,402
Let's go, Dad!
573
00:21:40,437 --> 00:21:42,370
Oh! I can't find the keys!
574
00:21:42,404 --> 00:21:43,923
Keys?
575
00:21:43,957 --> 00:21:45,787
Where the hell
are the keys?!
576
00:21:45,821 --> 00:21:46,857
REESE:
I got 'em.
577
00:21:46,891 --> 00:21:48,030
Now let's go!
578
00:21:49,894 --> 00:21:51,206
Hal?
579
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,139
Honey, can I call you back?
39343
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