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1
00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:08,809
How many more
for the record?
2
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,778
Two more tubs should do it.
3
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:15,749
There really isn't a category
for eating jalapenos,
4
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:17,751
but I think he's probably
suffered enough.
5
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:19,487
I'm going to tell
him in a minute.
6
00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:25,926
I'm so close to
telling him, honest.
7
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,598
Ninty-seven...
8
00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:33,000
Really, I'm going to tell him.
9
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:38,572
♪ Yes, no, maybe
10
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:40,741
♪ I don't know
11
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:44,011
♪ Can you repeat the question?
12
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,247
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
13
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,682
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
14
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:51,085
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
15
00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:53,087
♪ And you're not so big
16
00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:55,589
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
17
00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:57,591
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
18
00:00:57,625 --> 00:01:00,128
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
19
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:03,030
♪ And you're not so big
20
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:06,600
♪ Life is unfair.
21
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:15,709
Mom, Dad, can we drive out
to the country this Saturday
22
00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:17,211
to see the meteor shower?
23
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,813
We only have to go, like,
25 miles to get a good view.
24
00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:20,981
It starts around 2:00 a.m.
25
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:23,584
How's that again, son?
26
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:24,652
The meteor shower.
27
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:25,919
They say it's going
28
00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,155
to be the best one
in a hundred years.
29
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:29,157
Sounds science-y.
30
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,291
No, thanks.
31
00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:32,059
Come on, Reese,
a meteor shower.
32
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,561
Fireballs zooming
around the air,
33
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,663
smashing into the ground
right in front of you.
34
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:37,631
That's not what happens.
35
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:39,233
Can we ride one?
36
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,968
No! It's 60 miles up,
37
00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:42,936
but it's beautiful
and interesting anyway!
38
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:45,606
Look, if Malcolm needs to do
this for some school assignment,
39
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:46,807
then we're going to do it.
40
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:47,675
It's not for school.
41
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:48,809
Then forget it.
42
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,344
We're not getting up
at 2:00 a.m.
43
00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:51,745
just to look
at stars.
44
00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:53,747
Bran cereal?
45
00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,249
Why are you
eating that stuff?
46
00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:57,117
You said it tastes
like kitty litter.
47
00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:58,952
I'm eating it
because I have to stop
48
00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,354
gaining weight.
49
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:02,956
I've turned into
a gigantic, fat cow.
50
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:03,957
Oh, you have not.
51
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:05,193
Even the doctor said so.
52
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:06,460
Oh, that's ridiculous.
53
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:07,828
You're eating
for two now.
54
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,930
What kind of doctor
doesn't know that?
55
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:10,997
Hal, he's right.
56
00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:12,433
I'm huge!
57
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,935
And I don't understand
how it's happening.
58
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,838
Well, I think you're
beautiful no matter what.
59
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:21,141
Oh, thank you, honey.
You're so sweet.
60
00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:23,377
Oh...
61
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:29,450
Anything I want to do,
they don't understand.
62
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,985
And if they do understand,
they just make fun of it.
63
00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:34,288
But why should I expect them
to be any different
64
00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:35,623
than the rest
of the world?
65
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:37,491
Let's face it--
everyone on this planet
66
00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:39,493
is a brain-dead,
butt-scratching half-wit.
67
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:41,629
Bite... us.
68
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:45,366
How could you possibly think
that the Nimzovich defense
69
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:46,567
would work
against me?
70
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,202
You tried it two games ago,
71
00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:49,803
and I slaughtered you.
72
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:53,207
You tried it four games ago,
and I slaughtered you.
73
00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:56,577
Seriously, how do you find
your way home at night?
74
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,847
What...?
Where-where you going? What?
75
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,982
Oh, okay!
76
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,584
Who wants to play?
77
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,018
Eddie, come on.
I'll tell you what.
78
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:06,754
I'll hit myself in the head
with a rock.
79
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:07,755
I'll even it out.
80
00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:08,856
No?
81
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,258
Chubbo?
82
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:12,760
You can eat with one hand,
play with the other.
83
00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:14,495
Oh, I can't
believe this.
84
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,830
You're all cowards.
85
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,066
Hey, funny-looking kid,
86
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:21,034
you want to learn
how to play chess?
87
00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,102
No, thanks.
88
00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:23,103
Come on.
89
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:24,738
Look, it's not
that hard.
90
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,007
See, this one looks like
a pretty little horsey.
91
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,509
I know what a knight is.
92
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,344
I also know how to counter
a Nimzovich defense
93
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:32,513
without leaving my queen's
bishop wide open.
94
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,448
Your whole left flank
was Swiss cheese.
95
00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:36,850
Hey, junior champion.
96
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,185
Read your Kasparov.
97
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,554
The second you go
after my bishop,
98
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:43,957
you can kiss your rook
and two pawns bye-bye!
99
00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:45,526
Oh, okay, I get it.
100
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:47,561
You're scared
to play me!
101
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:50,631
Yeah, I'm really scared
of some troll in the park
102
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:51,899
beating me at chess.
103
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:53,467
Evidently,
you are!
104
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,436
Now you're confusing fear
105
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:56,937
with pity.
106
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,373
Fear triggers a fight
or flight response
107
00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:00,741
while pity allows me
108
00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:03,277
to turn my back and walk away
with a sadness
109
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:04,278
for your misery!
110
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:07,114
I would've
kicked your ass.
111
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:09,249
All right, that's it.
112
00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,819
Couldn't see... that coming.
113
00:04:24,332 --> 00:04:26,967
It's so nice to have
the kids out of the...
114
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,602
Dewey!
115
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:29,737
What are you doing?!
116
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,472
Painting the wall.
117
00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:33,240
What is the matter
with you?
118
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,309
Why on earth
would you do this?
119
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,244
The baby told me to.
120
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,479
The ba...?
121
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,147
What, this baby?
122
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,815
It chose the color, too.
123
00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:43,817
I would have gone with more
of an earth tone.
124
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:46,520
Look...
125
00:04:46,554 --> 00:04:50,324
Listen, son, I know you're
worried about the baby coming,
126
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:52,493
but you don't have to be.
127
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:55,463
Yes, you're not going to be
the youngest anymore,
128
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:58,699
and it is true the baby will get
all of our attention
129
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:02,269
for quite a while, and you will
have to do a lot more work
130
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,372
around the house, and probably
have to share the bathroom...
131
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,273
What your father's
trying to say is,
132
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,509
there is no reason for you
to be acting out like this.
133
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:10,511
Now get this mess cleaned up.
134
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,946
And the baby is not
talking to you.
135
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,215
It said you'd say that.
136
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,222
Draw.
137
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,027
Draw?
138
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,566
Draw.
139
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,735
Draw.
140
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:36,404
One more.
141
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,005
No!
142
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,307
It's been four hours!
143
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,476
All right, all right. God.
144
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:46,346
Who designed these damn
cement benches anyway?
145
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:47,715
Probably some
stupid civil servant
146
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,983
never made it
through design class.
147
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:52,185
Now he takes
his frustrations out
148
00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:54,054
on the asses
of the general public.
149
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:55,723
What the hell
is with that guy?
150
00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,090
He is so annoying.
151
00:05:57,124 --> 00:05:59,159
First it's too warm,
then it's too cool,
152
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,194
then the pigeons
are walking funny.
153
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:02,596
He didn't shut up
for one second.
154
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:04,164
I mean, give it a try,
stop complaining.
155
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,833
No, you want to know
the worst thing about him?
156
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,468
He kept picking at his...
157
00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,672
Four-nine-seven-
three-six-seven...
158
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:12,906
Stop doing that.
159
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:14,274
Sorry.
160
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:15,776
I'll be back in
a couple of hours.
161
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:16,710
Wait. Where you going?
162
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:17,845
I told you, I'm posing
163
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,112
in Otto's art class tonight.
164
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,181
Posing? As in naked?
165
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:22,916
Yes. We had this conversation.
166
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,452
No, we haven't.
167
00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:26,587
I remember conversations
with the word "naked" in them.
168
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,255
You can't strip
in front of Otto.
169
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:31,091
I'm not spinning my tassels
on a runway, Francis.
170
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:32,760
I'm modeling at an art class.
171
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:33,927
It's a job.
172
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:35,262
They pay $250.
173
00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:36,430
OTTO:
Piama,
174
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:37,431
I want to make sure
175
00:06:37,465 --> 00:06:38,566
I have the right pastels.
176
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:39,767
What color
are your nipples?
177
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:40,934
It's all
very tasteful,
178
00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:42,402
which is beside
the point,
179
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,204
because, guess what,
it's my body,
180
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,239
so you can't tell me
what to do with it.
181
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,641
If you're not
mature enough
182
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:50,277
to handle this, then
that's your problem.
183
00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:54,281
$250?!
184
00:06:56,249 --> 00:07:00,420
Everything I knew about beauty
was a lie.
185
00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:03,624
So this morning, Dewey tried
to go to school in his underwear
186
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:06,426
because apparently the baby
doesn't like his wardrobe.
187
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,228
The kid is driving me
up the wall,
188
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,063
and I keep gaining weight
like crazy.
189
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,732
More than a
pound a day.
190
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,634
Nobody gains
a pound a day.
191
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,569
It doesn't make
any sense.
192
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:16,670
Ah, I know, honey.
193
00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:18,005
It is baffling,
194
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,774
but look, you've just got
to stop obsessing
195
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:22,342
about this weight thing.
196
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:23,511
Let me pour you
some juice.
197
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:24,678
I don't want
any juice, Hal.
198
00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:26,279
I know what's going on.
199
00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:28,616
You do?
Of course I do.
200
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:29,650
I'm not an idiot.
201
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:30,784
I-I'm sorry. It's just...
202
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:32,252
It's because I'm not working.
203
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,521
Huh?
204
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:34,855
It's obvious, Hal.
205
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,924
I'm not getting the exercise
I got
206
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,492
with the other
pregnancies.
207
00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:39,693
With the other kids,
208
00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:41,595
I was on my feet all day.
209
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,964
Th-That makes perfect sense.
210
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,365
Celery stick?
211
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:49,002
My system must be
so screwed up.
212
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:51,905
This celery tastes
exactly like bacon.
213
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,307
Honey, listen to me.
214
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:57,811
Don't make yourself crazy
over a few pounds.
215
00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:01,248
You look amazing to me.
216
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:12,159
No matter how big and round
217
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:14,194
and jiggly you get.
218
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,702
Hello.
219
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,070
Hi, Mom.
220
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,038
Tell the baby I got
the stupid pail of sand,
221
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,207
but now the buses
have stopped running
222
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,308
so I can't get home.
223
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,510
Dewey?! Where are you?!
224
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:31,845
I don't know exactly.
225
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:33,547
Somewhere down by the pier.
226
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:34,648
You're at the pier?!
227
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:35,649
Where?
228
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:36,717
Dewey, listen to me.
229
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:37,918
You stay right where you are.
230
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,251
We're coming to get you
right now.
231
00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:42,089
Okay, but bring
another pair of socks.
232
00:08:42,121 --> 00:08:44,091
I stepped in fish guts. Ew.
233
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:45,693
What is wrong with that kid?
234
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,227
I'm really getting worried.
235
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,862
Let's just stay calm.
236
00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:50,931
We'll get in the car,
go pick up some doughnuts,
237
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,300
and we'll figure this out
on the way.
238
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:57,805
Another draw?
239
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:05,178
Hey, Casey Kasem, why don't you
do everybody a favor
240
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,847
and turn that crap down?
241
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:07,848
It's not loud.
242
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,717
I didn't say it was loud.
243
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,318
I said it was crap.
244
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,522
So, uh, is this all
you do every day?
245
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,591
Just hang out
in the park
246
00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:20,260
and play chess
with strangers?
247
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:23,063
No.
248
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:26,934
I also enjoy long walks
on the beach and bubble baths.
249
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:31,038
Of course, I'd have to say
my greatest turn-on is honesty.
250
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,473
So basically,
the only human contact you have
251
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:36,409
is playing chess with people
who can't stand you?
252
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:40,247
I hate to burst your little
after-school-special bubble,
253
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,282
but I'm not some kind of loser.
254
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:43,784
I have a perfect life.
255
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:46,654
I have a great job
selling toner over the phone.
256
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:49,122
I make a few calls--
bing, bang, bing, it's 10:00.
257
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:50,991
I've got the rest
of the day to myself.
258
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,926
You can't possibly make
enough money doing that.
259
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,663
I thought you were a little
smarter than that, Malcolm.
260
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,331
It's not about money.
It's about freedom.
261
00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,767
I am my own man.
262
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,402
I do what I want, when I want.
263
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:06,339
I don't answer to anyone
for anything, ever.
264
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:08,909
Where's my 20 bucks, Leonard?
265
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,744
You said you'd
have it on Monday.
266
00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:12,179
Yeah, I have it,
It's right here.
267
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:13,981
I... you know, I was...
I was looking for you.
268
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,849
You know, I couldn't find you,
269
00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:17,651
and then I had some
important business meetings
270
00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:21,354
that I had to get to,
but here... 13, 14...
271
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:22,756
Um, uh, you take
272
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:24,157
cigarettes, right?
273
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:25,425
I quit.
274
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,459
Oh, good for you.
275
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:27,828
That's so good
because, you know,
276
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:29,296
these things will
kill you slow.
277
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:30,831
Th-That's the truth,
you know, and...
278
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:32,632
and the cost is...
279
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,037
Give him six bucks!
280
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:43,977
Take it easy, George.
281
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,816
What a dumbass!
282
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,626
Well, I'm afraid
time's up, everyone,
283
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,362
but once again,
let's thank our models
284
00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:04,932
for their hard work.
285
00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:10,170
Thank you.
286
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,505
I'm just glad I had
this opportunity
287
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,207
to give something back.
288
00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:16,009
You were just wonderful,
as always.
289
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:17,477
Well, that's what I do.
290
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,079
Oh, and Piama did well,
too, don't you think?
291
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,750
Francis, you have inspired me
to new heights.
292
00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,184
See how I have captured
293
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:26,186
the confident power
of your torso,
294
00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:28,155
the sheer arrogance
of your ass.
295
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,322
PIAMA:
Francis,
296
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:30,758
come on, let's go.
297
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:32,893
I'm talking to people here,
if you don't mind.
298
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,397
Sadly, someone's
doing this with his soul,
299
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:40,100
and somebody isn't.
300
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:43,336
Hi, Mom.
301
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,338
Hi, Dewey.
302
00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:51,344
LOIS: You get in
that house right now, mister!
303
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,747
The baby did not tell you
to drive the car!
304
00:11:53,781 --> 00:11:55,515
Well, it didn't exactly
use the word "car."
305
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:58,051
It called it a "go machine,"
but that's what it meant.
306
00:11:58,085 --> 00:11:59,719
What's this?
307
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:01,388
Somebody had a birthday
at the office,
308
00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:03,423
and nobody ate it
because it's "fat-free."
309
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:05,558
How come it doesn't say
"happy birthday" or anything?
310
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:08,695
Well, you know, office politics,
but you wouldn't believe
311
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,231
how PC some of
these jerks can get.
312
00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:13,934
♪
313
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,424
♪
314
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:48,768
Look at this.
315
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,137
I'm looking.
316
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:52,906
You're really improving, Rubio.
317
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,774
You've stopped making
the "vroom" noises
318
00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:56,109
when you move your pieces.
319
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:57,277
Hey, Leonard.
320
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,012
Oh, you got to see this.
321
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,083
Physically hurts, doesn't it?
322
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,952
Listen, I was talking
to this guy I know.
323
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,253
I got you a job interview.
324
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,088
What the hell are
you talking about?
325
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,857
You are a miserable person.
326
00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:12,492
You barely have a job, and
you're completely dysfunctional
327
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:14,661
when it comes to
communicating with people.
328
00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:16,129
And that's my fault?
329
00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:18,631
It's not everyone else
in the world?
330
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,300
It doesn't have
to be like that.
331
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,602
If you have a job where
you're around people,
332
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:25,973
you can get used to each other
and maybe turn things around.
333
00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:27,707
Forget it.
I'm not wasting my time
334
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,943
on some stupid job interview
because you have
335
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,779
some desperate need
to save yourself through me.
336
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,115
Why don't you invest some
of that neurotic energy
337
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,184
in confronting your
own fear of failure?
338
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:40,520
Oh, goodness,
the clouds have parted,
339
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:42,655
and I can now commit
to a new life,
340
00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:46,193
thanks to your Oprah-esque
psychological insights.
341
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:48,862
And now you're trying to
invalidate the real issue
342
00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:51,131
by dancing around it
with what you think
343
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,432
is clever wordplay.
344
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:56,136
Screw this.
345
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,805
I'll play you for it.
346
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,473
Why bother? We
draw every game.
347
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:01,674
Not this time.
Fine.
348
00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:03,210
But if you don't win,
349
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:04,878
you never bring
this crap up again.
350
00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:06,079
You're on.
351
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,827
Where's my money, Leonard?
352
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,864
George, uh, I got it, uh,
just the other...
353
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,801
Run!
354
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:33,573
So, how much does this job pay?
355
00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:36,276
What are you doing?
356
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,545
Can you hold these
for a second?
357
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,047
Sure.
358
00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:46,386
What's this for, anyway?
359
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:47,720
You'll see.
360
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,126
Are you crazy?
361
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,461
It wasn't my idea.
362
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,096
The baby told me to.
363
00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:58,131
Wait a minute-- Mom's baby?
364
00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:00,767
You think Mom's baby
talks to you?
365
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,269
Yes!
366
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:04,237
It's telling me to do
all these crazy things.
367
00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:06,606
Let me give you
a little advice.
368
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,575
You've got to ignore the voices.
369
00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:11,411
They are not on your side,
and you never tell
370
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,813
anyone about them--
especially your teachers.
371
00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:15,482
They get panicky for no reason.
372
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:16,549
You understand?
373
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,551
I think so.
Attaboy.
374
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,988
You're going to be okay.
375
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:25,458
This is a terrible idea.
376
00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:27,260
No, this is
just what you need.
377
00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:29,129
Remember?
A job, people, a life.
378
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,397
But why here?
379
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,132
Because this is
the only guy I know
380
00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:33,766
that would trade
a job interview
381
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,435
for a Hong Kong Fooey
lunch box.
382
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:37,537
Greetings, Earthlings.
383
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,108
You've got to
be kidding me.
384
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,110
Trust me, I know
it's going to be hard,
385
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,245
but if you can just
keep your mouth shut
386
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,847
for five minutes with this guy,
you're home free.
387
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,782
I'm waiting, princess.
388
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,591
My résumé.
389
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,760
Forget this.
390
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,863
You can't learn
anything from a résumé.
391
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:06,833
So, tell me about
your employment history.
392
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,870
Well, I...
393
00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:14,474
Interesting. You know,
I like to think of Lucky Aide
394
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,277
as a kind of family,
and in this family,
395
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,645
I'd be your father,
396
00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:20,180
and as a father,
397
00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:21,514
there might be things
398
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:23,483
I might ask of you
that don't make sense,
399
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:26,186
but you do it because
I'm your father.
400
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,821
No sassing back, just do it.
401
00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:30,190
Understand?
402
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:34,861
Think so.
403
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:35,995
Now,
404
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:38,165
who are you in this family?
405
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,967
Are you the second cousin?
406
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,403
Or maybe the kooky aunt?
407
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:51,344
Well, you know, I've always
kind of seen myself
408
00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:55,148
in the role
of the younger brother--
409
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,749
eager to learn.
410
00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:59,186
I never had a brother.
411
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,156
Well, I'm here.
412
00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:06,893
We can get started
in a moment.
413
00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:09,396
Francis, I-I didn't call you.
414
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:10,730
Yes, I noticed.
415
00:17:10,762 --> 00:17:13,500
I can't do your
job and mine, Gloria.
416
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:15,435
What? There's no Camembert?
417
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,037
You expect me to have my wine
without any Camembert?
418
00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:19,939
That ruins
my entire aesthetic!
419
00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:21,773
Francis...
Forget it.
420
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:23,876
I'll work without cheese.
421
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:26,913
Who is this?
422
00:17:26,945 --> 00:17:29,582
That's Jeremy,
our model for the evening.
423
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:30,950
That's why I didn't call you.
424
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,519
OTTO:
Francis,
425
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,455
we have already sketched
your fabulous haunches,
426
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,890
and now it is time
for us to examine
427
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:41,928
the interplay of light and
shadow on Jeremy's love handles.
428
00:17:41,961 --> 00:17:43,130
That's it?
429
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:44,631
That's how it ends?
430
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:48,435
You just casually discard me
like yesterday's fish?
431
00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:51,371
After you've sucked out
the essence of my soul?
432
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,106
Francis, please,
try to understand.
433
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:54,907
No, I don't understand!
434
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:58,311
I let you see every color
in the spectrum of my being,
435
00:17:58,345 --> 00:17:59,979
and you have rejected it!
436
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:03,082
Someday, you'll realize
what you turned your back on,
437
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:04,551
and you will
curse yourself
438
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:07,254
for your banality
and your shortsightedness,
439
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:10,657
but by then it will be too late
because I will be gone!
440
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,494
Yes, gone!
441
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:24,003
Um... can I have my robe?
442
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:29,809
Craig's been yammering nonstop
for almost an hour.
443
00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:32,245
He even made Leonard
follow him into the bathroom,
444
00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:33,513
but Leonard's tough.
445
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:37,784
Now, let's talk
about respect--
446
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:41,188
not self-respect but respect
for one's superiors.
447
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,156
Now I remember a
time... think quick!
448
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:45,024
That's just a little
449
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:46,926
management test
I came up with
450
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,761
to see whether you're
the type of person
451
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:52,131
who confronts problems head-on
or avoids them.
452
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:53,900
Which one were you?
453
00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:58,004
Both.
454
00:18:58,037 --> 00:18:59,472
Good.
455
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:13,386
And I see that
you have no spine.
456
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:14,954
Welcome aboard.
457
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,456
Come back in an hour,
458
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,392
and we'll get you
a trainee vest and a name tag.
459
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,695
Congratulations.
I knew you could do it.
460
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:24,664
Oh, my God, that
guy is an idiot.
461
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:27,066
You only had to do
an interview with him.
462
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:29,302
Trying having dinner
with that jackass
463
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:30,670
and his stupid cat.
464
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:33,005
The cat can't be
any stupider than this guy.
465
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:35,408
This moron just tried
to use a Barbie doll
466
00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:37,577
to explain
the hygiene procedures.
467
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,213
Brother, huh?
468
00:19:40,247 --> 00:19:43,049
I think I'll stay
an only child, thank you.
469
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:57,264
Mom! Dad!
470
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,366
Dewey!
471
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,372
Oh, right.
472
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,443
I have had it
with you, Dewey.
473
00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:13,380
I have enough on my mind without
having to deal with this!
474
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:14,514
But the baby says...
475
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:15,615
Listen to me.
476
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:17,183
That baby is not
talking to you.
477
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,452
Honey, just try
to calm down, okay?
478
00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:20,853
I'll make you some tea.
479
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,121
You have to stop using this
480
00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:23,623
as an excuse to get attention,
481
00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:25,258
because it is not
going to work!
482
00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:27,059
Now, I don't want to
hear another word
483
00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:29,262
about you talking to
that baby, understand?
484
00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:30,763
The baby says
to turn around.
485
00:20:30,797 --> 00:20:31,931
What?
486
00:20:37,304 --> 00:20:38,738
Hal.
487
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:41,508
Well, you don't take yours
with maple syrup?
488
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,644
Craig was pretty upset.
489
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:48,147
He wouldn't come out of the
photo booth for two hours.
490
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:49,882
Where's Leonard?
491
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:51,651
Has anyone seen Leonard?
492
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:54,321
He told me to give this to you.
493
00:20:55,187 --> 00:20:58,291
"Malcolm, I moved away,
494
00:20:58,325 --> 00:20:59,726
"but I want to thank you
495
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,428
"for confirming
everything I said
496
00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:03,296
"about people being
giant jackasses.
497
00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:04,664
"One day you'll
understand.
498
00:21:04,697 --> 00:21:08,335
People like us
will never belong."
499
00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:10,803
What does he mean,
"people like us"?
500
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:17,444
What?
I hate when you do that.
501
00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:19,245
If you have something
to say, just say it.
502
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:20,146
That is so annoying.
34979
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