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Thank you very much

Before I tell you anything else,
I want you to know

I see a shrink. We're good

I've actually been seeing the same
shrink since 2007.

I didn't start dating the woman who's
now my wife until 2012.

My shrink's name is Barb,
which I think we can all agree

that's the perfect name for
a shrink. And Barb's the best.

Even though Barb is kind of the worst.

Mostly because
she's not necessarily good at it.

You know? She's not good
at actually being a doctor.

When you're a doctor, there's all kinds
of rules that go along with that.

When I started with Barb, I was
like "I don't think she knows that."

But then very quickly I was like

"Oh wait
no she just doesn't give a shit man."

She once spent
a portion of the session sitting

On the couch with me
showing me pictures on an iPad

of a house she bought in Mexico.

That's also how she let me know
that she was moving to Mexico.

All of our sessions
happen via Skype.

Often times while she is lounging
in a hammock.

She has seen me
in many shows over the year.

She has come out to live shows.
And that's very nice.

It's very supportive. I get that.
But there are these things

called boundary issues.

You don't want those being crossed.

And she once, she once saw me
in a show here in New York.

And my parents also attended
that show.

And they lived near each other
in New Jersey at the time

And Barb asked my parents
for a ride home

And they gave it to her!

If you're not familiar with how this
type of doctor patient relationship

is supposed to go, it's not supposed
to end with your shrink

and your parents alone in a car.

But there's a reason I stayed
with her as long as I have.

It's been a decade! She can,
she can be great.

There's a lot of crazy stuff
and you'll hear a lot of that,

but she can be great.
One time she says to me

she goes,
"You know what your basic problem is?

Your reactions to things are not in
proportion to the things you're reacting to."

And that just

Because that's very true about me.
That has always been true.

Really big things will happen
in my life and I'll be like

"Whatever, who cares?"
And then these tiny little things

And then these tiny little things
will just spiral out of control.

Like my wife, my wife's incredible.

I think my wife
is a perfect human being

outside of one flaw.

She does, she has one flaw.

If she opens a cabinet door,

that cabinet door stays open

That is a fact. I don't even know
if she's aware that

they move in the other direction.

And unfortunately for me,
with my anxiety

mixed with my slight OCD

if a cabinet door is open and
it doesn't have to be,

that feels to me like the
entire world is falling apart.

And there's one night where she
and I are in bed and I can't fall asleep

because I know that in our kitchen

there is a cabinet door
and it is open.

And I'm in my head and I'm going,
"Who cares? Let it go.

There are no negative repercussions
to a cabinet door being open, right now

And then I think to myself

"You can't make that promise."

And I'm going, "Don't do it
It is crazy if you do it.

But I do. I get out of bed
and I tiptoe into our kitchen

and I close the cabinet door

And when I do, I say out loud, "It's over."

Now clearly
that does not deserve that reaction.

Barb is on the money
when it comes to this one.

And maybe I should know
that about myself.

Maybe I should know that my reactions
don't always make sense. I really didn't.

And for her to tell me
that in such a simple way,

that's the type of wisdom that
Barb drops every once in a while

that makes it so worth it
to stay with her.

Even though she also says things
like the time she told me

that she believes that human brains
are actually computers invented

by aliens and placed inside our heads.

My shrink told me that.
She didn't just tell me that.

She forgot she told me that
and reiterated it 8 months later.

So I bet for a lot of people,
the big question is,

why? Right? Like why
do you have to see a shrink?

That cabinet door thing
isn't so bad. And it's not.

It's also just the tip
of the iceberg,

unfortunately.
I've been dealing with stuff

more severe than that since
a really young age.

Um, I didn't know, I didn't when I was
11 years old that this thing had a name

Depression.
I just thought everybody in 5th grade

had an internal monologue like
the guy from Taxi Driver.

It's very hard to verbally
kind of describe what it feels like

I bet anybody else
who has dealt with it would agree

that that's one of the very frustrating
things about it.

Um, I can say this.
Even when I was little

I knew I was never sure
which version of myself

I would wake up as on any given day

Is today going to be a day
where I'm really mad

at everybody
and I can't even explain why?

Or today am I going to get really shy around
people who I have known my whole life?

Or, or maybe today I'll be really manic
and try to convince the other kids

in the neighborhood
that we gotta get up on a garage

and jump into ourb neighbor's pool.
Or maybe today

I'll be too scared
to even leave the house

because I've convinced myself
that if I do,

I might see the Virgin Mary
and die like those Kids

who saw her in Portugal
a hundred years ago

because I think we'll all agree
that when you're born with

mental illness level anxiety
the cure is clearly being raised Catholic.

Catholicism doesn't help anxiety.
It's like this man's watching you

Apologize for something.

That's like, that's
the whole religion. That's it.

I didn't, I didn't see this stuff hit
its peak level until I was 14

That's the first age where
I had one of my attacks.

And these attacks
have played me ever since.

Basically if my depression really gets
going I kind of can't like grab on

to my thoughts is
how I might describe it.

Uh, and I can't breathe.
And my body is hot And my face numb

Like actual pins and needles
when its at its worst

My face goes numb. It's awful.

So, I bet the even bigger why is well,
why does that happen?

And I'm sorry to tell you,
no real reason. I wish

I wish I had one. I wish
I had some inciting incident

that I could point to and say,
"That. That's what caused this in me."

I don't have that. I was a pretty normal
kid at the end of the day

I loved basketball, John Starks.

That's my dude, now and forever

I loved Starks. I loved pro–wrestling

The nature boy, Rick Flare.

That's my guy.

A couple other people. That's nice

That's good
I loved comic books

But we can be honest. Marvel
only. Come on.

Thank you! DC comics are bullshit

Always have been They have
a character called the Blue Beetle

Get the fuck out of here.

That's not okay. And comedy
was the big one for me

When I'm 9, 10 years old, all I want to do
is stay up late and watch Dave Letterman.

And I start collecting Andy Huffman tapes

When I'm still in high school

And Saturday Night Live.
When I was a kid,

that's the best era of SNL.

Chris Farley
Living in a van down by the river!

It's the best, you know So.
Pretty average nerdy kid Interests

And no real traumas to report at home.

My parents are still in love
and married after 40 years.

Like, I don't know. I don't know
what caused it.

Like, I hate to say it,
but sometimes people just break...

Welcome to a comedy show. Welcome.

So in 2001, I'm 21 years old

and I find myself driving on
Valley Road in Clifton, New Jersey.

For anybody who's not familiar
with Clifton, New Jersey

this is a very long road
It goes from one end of this town

all the way to the other So even
though it's just a regular suburban road

people do drive fast on it.

And I'm driving down in this pickup truck

It's this big, beat up pickup

the kind you'd see like
a landscaping company use

And I'm listening to The Smiths,
who if you're not familiar

The Smiths are a rock and role group
They're from Manchester, England.

Very popular in the early to mid 1980s

Um, even if you don't know the Smiths

you might know their front man
He still tours around a lot.

His name is Morrissey

Like a very
legendarily emotional Singer

I am clearly trying to rip off
his haircut right now.

And I know I'm listening to The Smiths
because when I'm 21 years old

all I listen to is The Smiths.

Because when you're 21 years old
and you're as sad as I am

a lot of the time,
and you hear a lyric like

If you're so funny,
why are you on your own tonight?

I know. Because tonight
is just like any other night

That's why
you're on your own tonight.

When you hear that, you're
like, "Someone gets it."

Someone just verbalized this thing
I have always felt.

There's one person in this world
who understands me

It's weird that it's Morrissey,
but I'll take it.

So I'm behind this pickup truck
and the blinker turns on

The driver's gonna turn left.
I don't even slow down

I'm going to pass him on the right.
I come around him.

And as I do so,
I realize he's done one of those

Like "Oh, that's not the turn
I'm supposed to make."

He's coming back into my lane.
He's coming back into the right lane

And it's very clear
I'm in his blind spot

He doesn't see me. And I think to myself
"You should hit the breaks."

And then I think, "No, don't
Because this way it's just a car crash."

And this way your parents
don't have to go around Town

being the parents of the kid
who killed himself

Because we don't judge people
when they die in car crashes

but we do judge people
when they die of suicide.

I think it's one of the strangest things

we've given ourselves permission to do

And ultimately, I think it's
a branding problem Honestly.

I do. I think suicide
has a real branding problem.

Because it has a tagline
It has its own tagline

and the tagline sucks
It's very condescending.

Suicide is the coward's way out.

What a bad tagline.
That's bad branding

A tagline is supposed to get
you pumped up you know.

Like Nike. That's a good tagline.
Just do it! Right?

And I'm not saying that suicide
should take that one that's not

That's not at all really none
of the big ones apply to this

Although, Burger King "Have it your way"

kind of does fit. Oddly oddly enough.

And say this too.
I've never understood it, the Phrase

I don't get what's cowardly about suicide.

To me, suicide means
that someone had a lot of Problems

and they couldn't fight
through them anymore.

That is a lot of things It's not cowardly

So this truck hits me, sideswipes me

sends my little Nissan Centre off
into this little driveway.

which Sounds like a safe place
to end up. Except

unfortunately for me
this little section of Clifton,

New Jersey is built on a hill

So the driveway has a retaining wall.

And I hit it head on. Car comes crashing
down on the front lawn of this house

And as soon the car
stops bouncing, I think to myself

"Oh my god. I did that."

And then it's silence until I hear

the sound of an aluminum front door
squeaking open

It's a very familiar sound for any of
us who grew up in the suburbs.

And then I hear this voice that has
the same exact accent of my mother

which is the same exact
accent as Carmela Soprano.

This is very true. And if there's any
North Jersey people here tonight

you can vouch for me

A lot of people sound
like Carmela Soprano where we grew up

That's very true.

I grew up in Essex County.
That's where The Sopranos took place

And they nailed the culture
of it. And Edie Falco in particular

she earned every award she ever won.

And that's the real message
of this show tonight.

That's the real uncomfortable truth

I wish we'd just speak more openly
about is that is that Edie Falco

pretty fucking good at acting.

Quite good at what she does
So this door squeaks open

and then I hear this Carmela Soprano
go, "Oh my god!"

And then a second door squeaks open

and I hear a second Carmela Soprano go

"What's going on?"

And then a third door opens

and a third Carmela Soprano goes
"Is he dead?"

And the second one goes
"We don't know."

And the first one says,
"We're trying to figure it out."

So, I'm listening to this chorus of Carmela
Sopranos debate

whether or not I'm dead, and I'm
in total shock inside the car

I'm like, maybe I am.
Maybe I'm dead right now.

Maybe they know better than I do

Maybe, maybe I'm dead
and I'm a Ghost

Maybe I'm the ghost of Clifton, New Jersey.

Which could be worse. Could be Passaic

Which if you knew, if you knew the
geography of New Jersey, you'd be like

"Nailed it bro!" I promise.
You would, you would. I promise.

So these Carmela Sopranos,
they're discussing me,

and I hear another voice
Angry male voice.

This guy says,
"Get the fuck out of the car!"

I realize this is the driver
of the truck I hit

He's coming towards me
from the truck

He's a big dude. He's jacked
scary looking

Not even because of the muscles
because of his outfit.

He's wearing a flannel shirt
with the sleeves torn off

And the shirt is tucked into
a pair of daisy Dukes

It's very disconcerting,
very disconcerting.

So he says, "Get the fuck out of the car!"
I say, "I can't man

The door, it's all caved in.
It doesn't, it doesn't work anymore

And he says, "I'm going
to fuck you up."

And he walks around the car

And just before he gets to the passenger
side door, another voice.

North Jersey, Italian–American male accent

This guy sounds a lot like my best
friend Anthony's dad.

And, and this guy just goes,
"Hey calm down, man

Look at him. He's just a kid.
Look at him, man. He's just a kid."

And the big guy goes, "What!" and
the Carmela Sopranos are just like

"What's this new development?"

Everybody's just trying to figure it out,
you know.

And the Italian guy says
that a couple of more Times

"He's just a kid, man. Come on

He's just a kid." And to this day,
I'm not sure why

The big guy turns around
gets back in his truck

He just leaves. Gets out of there.

He leaves the scene,
never made sense to me.

The Italian guy, he opens the passenger
side door, gives me his hand

I climb out of the car.
He says, "You okay?"

And I say, "Thanks, man.
You saved me."

And I've always felt bad about that

Because there was
a lot more to be said

Like you saved me in
that immediate sense

but also you saved me
because I did that.

And I never ever thought
that I could actually act on that impulse

And now you're here. And you
remind me of my best friend's dad

Like you saved me.But I, I didn't
even know how to formulate

those thoughts let alone express them.
So I just mumbled, "You saved me."

And I will never forget
how he responds.

He puts his hand on my shoulder
and gives me a nod and says

"It's alright. I wasn't gonna let
a nigger beat up a white kid."

Okay, thanks again man.

And believe me, from
the bottom of my heart, believe me,

I hate saying that word I hate the
sound of it coming out of my mouth

And I wish that's not how that went

That's a true story.
All these stories tonight are true

And I wish, I wish it was different

I wish it was the racist guy
that was, that was mad at me

the roles were reversed.
That's not how it went down.

Life wasn't simple that day

There were these shades of grey. And I
would argue that those shades of grey,

where things get that awful
and fucked up

it's a big part of why this world
seems so overwhelming

and depressing to people like me.

So he says that bullshit and I'm like

"Ohh." I thought the car crash
was the rock bottom

And I think about that day a lot.

I think about the aftermath of it

And I get very upset with myself
because I still didn't get help after that

Everybody in my family thought
that that was a car accident.

And I've always been really good
at hiding this side of myself

Any time, any time at all when
people ask me what's going on

I keep myself way too busy
That's always been my style.

And back then, I was a full–time
student at Rutgers University

I had a full–time job.

An appropriate level of enthusiasm
Man these people at like Ohio State

used to be like "O–H–IO!"

Rutgers you like wait a minute,
and you're like "I as well."

Like that's really

I was a full–time student there
I had a full–time job.

And I mentioned how much
I loved comedy

I found a place willing to let me do it.

It's still here. It's in New York
It's called the Upright Citizens Brigade

Theater. Great space, great space!
And

I started there when I was 20 years old.

And I loved it so much.

And one night, I'm driving home
from the UCB Theater

back to my parents' house in Jersey
where I still live at the time

And it was after a particularly bad show

It was an improvised parody
of Japanese anime cartoons.

And I was playing a schoolgirl
named Urine

And, needless to say, I wasn't feeling
great about myself

And I'm driving and I'm like,
"I'm so exhausted all the time. Why?"

"Like for that, is any of this even worth it

And I can't breathe And the heat
and pins and needles while I'm driving.

And I pull off of Route 46
and I stop in this bank parking lot

And I call Teresa. She was my girlfriend
in college.

And I say, "It's happening again and
I'm driving and it's scary."

And she interrupts me. She does
what I think is the kindest thing

anybody has ever done for me.
She says, "Look.

Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna go home right now.

You're gonna wake up your mom
and tell her what's going on

because look I'm calling her. I'm calling
her first thing tomorrow morning

I'm telling her, so now's your chance
to get one on your terms.

She took the choice out of my hands.
Thank God.

That's what I needed back then.
Although, believe me

that night, not into it at all.
At all.

I'm like, "You can't do that.
That's not yours to share

This isn't fair. And she's like,
"Fair? You wanna talk about fair?

You still call me about this shit
You dumped me 18 months ago asshole."

Touché, touché

I do what she says. I get home

and it's about 2:30 in the morning

and I walk into my parents' bedroom.

And my mom's asleep in bed

And my mom is this 5 foot–nothing

arthritic, little Irish–Catholic lady.

And uh, and my dad, my dad had
a job in PuertoRico

was like a year or so.

So randomly, he just lived on the
island of Puerto Rico at that time

And that means my mom
is alone in this bed

It's way too big for just her, you know

It looks like she's like drowning
in all those blankets.

And I uh, I reach out to wake up
my mother

And before I touch her, I pause

Because I realize that this is the last
moment in my mom's life

where she gets to think that she has
a normal kid.

And I almost bail. I almost just walk away

But it's out of my hands now, right
I gotta do it so I do it.

I shake my mom awake and she's
really confused

and I just blurted out I said,
"Mom, I'm suicidal. And I'm really scared."

And she's blindsided by that.

And I never, I never want to see
my mom that frightened ever again

And she puts on her glasses
and she says "I didn't know.

I, I don't know what to do"

"What, what do you think we should do?

"And I think to myself, "She sounds so
much like Carmela Soprano."

It's ridiculous.

Feels good to tell somebody what's going
on and it feels good to ask for help.

And my mom, she steps up.
Helps me find a doctor

at a clinic on Bloomfield Avenue
in Verona, New Jersey.

And I go. At the end of that week,
I see a doctor for the first time.

Even though I didn't,
I never wanted to, you know.

And I get it. The first time you see a shrink

you kind of feel like you failed.
You know, like you're giving up.

And especially where I'm from.
My neighborhood in North Jersey.

You tell someone you're going
to see a shrink,

they're going to be like, "Wait, what, why?

Like you get to fix your life up
or something

like what, like what, you deserve
to be so happy?

what you think you are fucking
better than me?

That is the vibe where I grew up.
I'm so sorry. Thank you, sir. I'm so sorry.

I went, I went and I kept going
even though I didn't like it at all

And I was proud of that because
it was my one hour a week

where I was finally fighting back.

But this doctor, I noticed right away, this
doctor's questions Broad, vague questions

Like they're not really addressing
the things I'm even bringing up

He's not really listening

which I thought for a shrink
was the only job requirement.

I'm telling him about my childhood I'm like,
parents, great, no complains there

But I did grow up in this town,
West Orange odd place at times.

Kind of violent
and like a lot of bullying and stuff.

And like no real consequences
for it even.

My older brother,
when he was 12 years old

he got beat up by a bully so bad
this kid broke my brother's shoulder

Broke his collarbone in a fight.
This happened at Edison Middle School

The kid didn't even get
into any trouble for that.

I'm a few years younger than
my brother I see that and I'm like okay

I guess the world's like violent
and aggressive

and nobody's really going to help you
out so like keep your guard up man.

Like don't let anybody in.
It really messed me up. It did

And oddly enough, I mean this doesn't really
matter It's not neither here nor there.

But oddly enough that bully
happened to be a little person.

A dwarf broke my brother's shoulder.
My childhood may as well

just been directed by
David Lynch. It made no sense.

It made no sense. And this doctor, doctor
interrupts me and goes "Are you gay?"

I'm like, "What's that have to do with that?
I don't think so."

"That's an interesting answer."

Not really though, right? Like there's
a spectrum. Everybody's on it. We're fine.

"M'kay. M'kay. But did your father hit you?"

Did you not hear what I just said?
A dwarf was breaking bones

We definitely have shit to talk about.

"Did your gay father hit you?"
I said, motherfucker.

What I realized
is like he had these checklist questions

He asked everybody these questions.
And smelled the rat.

His bullshit, I didn't like it. But I stuck
with it. I did stick with it and, um

even went on medication through the clinic
doctor the first time.

first time I went on meds
it was via the clinic doctor

And I didn't want to do
that either for many reasons.

Chief among them, mental health
medications, to my knowledge

that's the only type of medication that
when people find out that you're taking it,

they feel this freedom to offer up their
entirely unsolicited opinions about it

right to your face. It happens all
the time And I don't think it's okay

with any other sickness to just like
say shit about the medications

Like nobody has ever been diagnosed with
diabetes and had their ignorant cousin go,

"You're going to take insulin?"

"For now, right? You'll get off
that shit some day."

No one in human history
has ever said the words,

"What's so wrong with your life
that you need chemotherapy?"

Never been said. When you take
the medications that I take

people say stuff like
that legit all the time

So I'm pushing back against it.
I'm giving myself all the usual excuses.

You won't really be yourself
anymore, right. Or, uh,

you'll be walking around in a fog
or the big one for people like me

you won't be creative anymore.
You won't be funny if you take those pills

You won't be funny unless you're a Sylvia
Plath–esque tortured soul improv kid.

Which I will tell you, in my opinion,
which is really all this show is

that that creativity thing,
that's the biggest bullshit myth

that we allow to perpetuate.
And I don't get it and not just perpetuate

We romanticize that one. Still.
We do People have said to me

people have said to me like
"Yeah but like Kurt Cobain though, right?

Like those songs. Kurt Cobain." And I'm
like, "Okay. You know what I'd love though?

I would love if Kurt Cobain was still alive
putting out shitty light rock albums

I'd love that." I would love it if,
in December, Kurt Cobain Dropped

a Starbucks Exclusive Christmas
album. I'd love that. I'd love that.

I also, it's like,
I don't even think that it's true

Like I get it. I get that certain
drugs can dull your creativity

but a good doctor will just
put you on different drugs.

And one of my life's true regrets is that
I bought into that one

For years, I didn't take medicine
for that reason

And what a waste of time. Because
I'm happy to tell you at least in my case,

I am significantly fucking
funnier on medication.

It's not even, thanks.

It's not even a contest. It's not, like I was
always so scared I would lose my ideas

That was the big fear from back then
I'll lose my ideas if I take those pills

And I think of these ideas from back
then that I was so scared to lose and

Like there was a night at Rutgers
I called up all my comedy friends

I said drop what you're doing
and meet me at the diner

I have the best idea
I have ever had

and they do they show up at the diner
and they are like: "What's going on?"

I'm like "Well here's what's going on

is we're going to write a play, tonight

It's going to be called Time Phone.

It's about a phone
where when you pick it up

you can talk to people in other
eras of time

We're gonna perform it one night only

also tonight

In the cash machine
booth at a local bank.

First question, I know,
Who's gonna see it?

great question, well I guess
if anybody needs money

I guess they'll
catch a few minutes of Time Phone

And if not, then whatever guys
it's just for us then right?

Then it's just art for art's sake
right guys?"

Right guys? Right guys?

And they're all eating
chicken fingers like "No."

And not only is Time Phone
a pretty bad idea

it's already the plot of
a Dennis Quaid movie.

Frequency is just that with a ham radio

That's what I'm so worried about?

That I won't be able to fly
into a manic fit

and rip off Dennis Quaid?

So, even though I'm one of these
people that was like medications

yeah, I don't know about that,

turns out, they do work really
well for me

And I know people have strong
opinions on this one

so let me just get this out of
the way I'm not trying to convince

anybody about any of this I promise
I'm not, I'm not a shill.

This show is not secretly
sponsored by Pfizer, I swear

we're good. I'm not even
going to say that going on this drug

this type of drug, it's not an
easy thing to do.

I would never say
that there's side effects

there's side effects now let
alone in 2002.

The drug cocktail that the
clinic Doctor put me on then

it was Depakote,
Wellbutrin and Risperdal.

And, Depakote, clinic doctor
says one of the main side effects

is that you can't lose weight
while you're taking it

so be careful what you eat.
And I was like "Got it."

But I was 22 years old,
so I eat whatever I want

And very quickly I develop the
physique of like like a sad uncle

who's like "Maybe
I should have gotten married."

That was my body type,
dejected uncle.

Wellbutrin, some people have
side effects

I mean I've never had any
side effects from Wellbutrin.

I'm back on Wellbutrin today.
And I love it.

That's what I have for breakfast
every morning, is my Butrin

Gimme that byootch baby.
Goes down Smooth

That's a tagline.
Glad to see

I have byootch people
here tonight, that's good.

Now I don't know if anybody's heard
of Risperdal, you?

Usually doesn't get cheers that one,
usually people are like

Cause you guys can, you do know
that's a heavy duty one

Everybody's heard of that knows,
that an antipsychotic.

I was put on that because half way
through my time at Rutgers

I started having very severe
paranoia and it was getting delusional.

For example, Rutgers
is a very big campus

And they have buses to take
the kids around

and you have to push that thing to tell
the driver when it's time to stop the bus

And I'd go to push the thing
and I'd go, hmmm, naw, don't

don't push that.
If you push that,

they can track you And I'd hear

myself think that
and I'd go "Hold on

There is no they

And on the off chance that there is

I highly doubt that they
are interested

in the comings and goings

of a C+ American Studies Major

at an admittedly mid–tier
state University in New Jersey."

You know that it's true.

I take the Risperdal that stops
right away

I stop thinking
that cops are following me

It's freedom, it feels like
this freedom

it does have one side effect

it makes my back
muscles tighten up

this is apparently pretty common
with this drug

so they also put me
on a muscle relaxer

And that has a side effect

that we are going to talk about.

We're all familiar with male
ejaculate, yeah?

I know due to lifestyle preferences
or experience levels

not all of us come into contact
with it on the regular

but we're all adults here tonight
we all understand that men ejaculate

and there's a companion substance
known as ejaculate. We all know

certain range of colors to be
expected with this substance

There's a certain level of viscosity
that one can rely upon

in dealing with this substance.
This is

this is why you'll be so surprised
to hear that when I was 22 years old

I was masturbating,
which is not the surprising part at all.

When you're a 22–year–old
male masturbation

is most of what you accomplish
on any given day.

It's like golf it's like a sport you play
against yourself

you know?

And I wanted to be good at it.

I was putting in
my Malcolm Gladwell 10,000

hours on that one

In a big way.

No, the surprising part is that I finished

and I . . . I came water.

Think about how I felt.

Water came out of here

And then very quickly

it came out of here

Because it was disturbing
you can imagine

you have all these thoughts
you're like oh I guess I'm

so fucked up that god's now
removed my ability to reproduce

You have that thought. And then
even physically it wasn't good

like it was not even
a good amount of water

And I'm already not
the most powerful ejaculator.

And if there's one thing you
remember from this show

if there's one thought that really sticks
with ya I hope it's that I, Chris Gethard

Not the most powerful ejaculator.

But it was not even good
by my standards

Like you know you know when your
landlord working on the pipes

and disconnects the water
but you don't know it

and you turn on the faucet
and get that last little bledebaba

I would have killed
for that water pressure

I would have loved that.

Really, the only thing that I can compare
it to is when you are eating spicy food

and and you open your mouth too wide
and then from under your tongue

you get that spritz

That little saliva you know?

Where I grew up that was called Gleaking
We called that Gleaking

They don't put
that on the bottle side effects

include: your dick gleaks."

They leave, they leave that one out.

Everytime I bring up the medications,
it always

makes me think about Barb

Because when I started with Barb
in 2007

she says to me "you
need to be back on pills"

that is very clear. But

check this out

I get a lot of free samples from
the pharmaceutical companies

So maybe we'll just like
slip you some

get the dosage right, you know?

Now this is perfectly legal

but I like that she handled it with
the tone of a street level drug dealer

I love that

I love, made me laugh, made me
feel comfortable

Like, like she's playing ball with me

Like made me feel like she was ready
to go any length for my treatment

I love that . Although I'm the first to
admit she can take that too far

every once in a while. Like

there was a time
before she moved to New Mexico

I'm in her, I'm in Barb's office one day

she says to me "Hey there's this guy, his
office is right down the hall from mine

we have been teaming up on patients
we're getting great results

my specialties, his specialty

a lot of crossover there

I think you need to see this guy."

I say "ok, what's his specialty?" She says

"Numerology."

I go, I go "Numerology? Numerology?

Like, I give this guy my birth date

and other significant dates

throughout my life and then he
analyzes them

and predicts my future?"

And she says "Bingo!"

I'm like No, that, not for me
you know

Although I don't judge it
I'm actually don't like if she says

that people are feeling better because
of Numerology then great

whatever makes people feel better
I'm a proponent of it.

Different things work for different people
all the time, you know

like some people self medicate

and apparently it works, I'm jealous

That's great,
more power to you, I tried

Alcohol, is how I tried to self medicate.

When I started with Barb
she says to me she goes:

"You don't drink booze anymore huh?
How come, are you, you an alcoholic?"

And I'm like, "I'm not an alcoholic

I never drank every day."

And she goes "That's not actually
what being an alcoholic is

it's a lot more about your relationship
with alcohol."

And I go, "Barb we can move on, okay?

Like, I'd get a little out of control
but we're good

I am not an alcoholic."

And she say give me an example of
your behavior.

And I'm like ok, fine I remember
one night I'm at Rutgers

and I'm out drinking at the bars
on Easton Avenue

and I'm with this girl, we've
always been flirty

and I really want to impress her

so every time she has a pint

I have a pitcher.

throwing it back and really quickly she's
like "Yo, this isn't cool man

I'm going to head home."

And I'm like "Great yeah whatever
I'll head home too, no problem."

And here's where I baffle myself

is I know I've had too much to drink

that just happened. It's embarrassing.

Still, I get home, my roommates
are drinking

I grab a bottle from one of them

crack it open chug
the entire thing top to bottom

throw the empty bottle on the ground.

Now, my roommates are drinking
Mad Dog 20/20,

which some of you have heard of

For anybody who's not familiar
with Mad Dog 20/20,

congratulations, you've never been homeless.

That's great. That's great.

We're drinking Strawberry Kiwi flavor

I drank the whole thing, my roommates are
like "we can't believe you just did that."

I'm like "You can't?

Gimme another one."

I chug another entire big bottle of Mad Dog

that's when this night goes nuts

I start opening windows and I'm yelling
at people out on the street

and I'm getting in my roommates
faces trying to convince them

they should fightand I'm rolling
around on the ground

And In the middle of all this chaos

my roommate Phil comes home

and he doesn't size things up well

He goes "Bros, I'm going to a frat party.

Anybody wanna come?"

And the rest of my roommates
were like "Phil, no no, nononono"

And I'm like "Yeeeeaah."

I'm coming to the frat party Phil

I'm coming and I'm just going
to do me Phil

I'm just going to behave however
I feel like it tonight Phil,

And if anybody has a issue
with that I'll let them know

that you're responsible for bringing
me Phil.

I'll let everybody know."

And right then my roommate Dan
grabs me and goes "Phil, run!"

And Phil runs.

He sprints out the front door of
our house

Dan is holding my arms down
he 's like "You gotta calm down man."

I'm like "Fine, whatever."

he helps me get up to my room
in the attic, up all the steps.

I get undressed

he tucks me into bed. I fall asleep.

Should be the end of this story.

Except the next thing I know
I come to again and I'm fully clothed

and I am running
down the middle of a street

in New Brunswick, New Jersey

And I am wearing a Batman mask.

I don't know where I got it
I've never owned a Batman mask

I don't even like DC Comics!

But I am wearing it and I am running
maybe from the person I stole

the Batman mask from.

I black out again. I come to on
the front porch of a House

I'm trying to open the door
there's a guy holding it closed

from the other side going "No, seriously

Batman, you can not come in here."

I black out. I come to
I'm on top of a parked car

I am jumping up and down, there's people

surrounding the entire car

going "Batman, Batman."

I black out. I come to, I'm back
in my room, thank God

And I'm sitting on the edge
of my bed,

blinking through the Batman mask

and as, as I get my bearings

I realize that on the couch in the
corner of my room

there are two adult men who
can only be described as sketchy.

And they're looking at me

and I say "Hey uh, you have
to get out of my house."

And they look at each other
and the one guy goes "Wait, what?"

And I go "You uh, you, you have
to go

You have to get out of my house."

And the other guy goes
"Okay but , what happens?"

And I realize that I must be in
the middle of telling these guys a story.

And they want to know how it ends

But I don't know, I'm completely
obliterated and I don't know what's going on

so I stand up and I'm like
"seriously you gotta go

you gotta get out of my house "

And at that exact moment

Barb interrupts me and is like
"Yeah, you are definitely an alcoholic."

Okay.

Now by 2004 I'm actually
feeling pretty good

I've been going to see
the clinic Doctor for two years,

I've been medicated for two years

I've been sober for two years

I'm learning to let my guard down,

letting people in, and I don't think it's a
coincidence I have this newfound positivity.

That year I get my first full time
job in comedy

I am hired to be the writers' assistant
for a show on Comedy Central

And that's not a very glamorous
entertainment job

a writer's assistant it's a lot of ordering
lunches making copies, and stuff.

But I don't care you can imagine

I'm this kid and I've always clung

to comedy and now it my gig,
that is the best.

Oh, there's one hitch

they say you have the job,
and it starts on Monday in Los Angeles.

Now at this point I, I still live
in Montclair New Jersey

I'm about ten minutes from my mom.

And I have to call my mom and say
"Hey, Ma I have great news, but

remember a couple years ago
I woke you up and in the middle of the night

saying I wanted to be dead?

Now I'm going to go
3,000 miles away

I'm actually going to go as far away
as I can go and still be

on the continental United States."

And you can imagine
a lot of fear from my mother

a lot of concern like "You can't,
maybe you can just like wait

and get a job in New York you know"
but She knew, she knew I had to go

and I do. I do I dropped my
entire life and I drive cross–country

and that trip's the best.

For me, that trip is 3,000 miles
of nothing but The Smiths.

That is it. Because when you're
twenty–four years old

and you're feeling hope for
the first time in a long time

and you hear a lyric like "When
you want to live how do you start?

Where do you go?
Who do you need to know?

Oh–ohhh." You are like

"Totally different era of life

This motherfucker still gets me man."

How does he do it? He's a genius.
We all know, he would've been

knighted a long time ago if
he didn't threaten to kill

the queen so many times right?.
Definitely. Definitely

All these things, happen on this trip.

Like I stay in an hourly hotel
in Indiana

that I think was a brothel, didn't ask
never knew for sure.

And I got stuck, I got stuck in
a lightning storm in Texas

Which was actually very beautiful and
dangerous but, beautiful.

And then I'm driving in New Mexico

on this long straight highway

and this side of the car is just
prairie it's just grass

that's it that's all you can see,
and this side sand, nothing but desert.

And we all know it very desolate out
there in the west

I'm driving thirty, thirty five,
forty minutes

I don't pass another car the entire time

I'm just out there, alone.

Except for the train There's these train
tracks, there right alongside the highway

it's one of these big freight trains that
you see out in the middle of the country

and I get really into it.

I'm, I'm not sure why, I just start
glancing over I'm Like "okay

mmhmm, looks like we got ourselves
some train action right now huh?"

You know, I'm trying to guess
what's in it You know?

I'm like maybe it's like, maybe
it's like hay?

No. Why would you put hay in a train
you fucking idiot.

Coal. It's gotta be coal, and then
the tracks veer of in to the horizon

and I'm like "Ohhh I wanted to get
to the bottom of the mystery."

And then they com back toward
the highway and I'm like

"Oh–ho–ho–ho–ho–ho–ho, looks like we're
just at the beginning of our journey train."

I couldn't figure out why it was
making me feel so elated

and then I realized that for the
first time

since the age of eleven

I'm not worried about anything.

And I swear to you, I could see it
in my head

what this must have looked like
from above

like I could a flash of the
bird's eye view

and I realized zoom out just a little bit,

You won't be able to make out
my car against the asphalt of the road

And zoom out a little bit more
than that and those train tracks

you'd be like is that another road, or?

Is it a river what's going on there?

And zoom out just a little bit more
and it all of it blends together.

None of it makes any sense.

And it occurs to me that I'm small

and I do not matter, and that is beautiful.

And what I mean by that
is I was living this life where every day

I mean every single day,
usually before I even left the house

I'd find some
reason to be angry, or sad, or scared.

And ask the other depressed
people in your life

you do that enough days in
a row and you just

become convinced that that
is who you are.

That's how you're wired,
that's how you have to live

Because that's your option

And I realized out
there on that highway in New Mexico

that another option is maybe someday
I die old and happy.

I honestly did not know that
I had that option.

So, anyway, I make it to California
I conquer the entertainment industry

depression goes away forever,
thank you guys thank you, thank you.

No, No need to, it was fake
the whole time. It's California

I didn't conquer anything.
California was fun, it was not..

Cali woo, California fun
As the Beach Boys said in 38 songs

California Fun. Woo Hoo.

I've brought up New Jersey
a hundred and seventy times

to no enthusiasm
I mention California once

and people are like "yeah!"
California was fun

It was not all sunshine And I actually
mean that in a literal sense

I wind up renting this very cheap room

it has no windows,
and also my office, it has no window.

And I'm working very long hours
so I've never been to California

in my life, I finally get out there
and just never see the sun

And it gets unhealthy very fast

I start getting nosebleeds all the time,
like three times a week.

And my boss, he grabs me eventually

and he says "You have to go outside
for thirty minutes everyday

I'm ordering you." And I go "Why?"

And he goes "Because I think I'm
watching you die."

So I do. I go outside for half
an hour every day

and I play basketball with Juancho
and Humberto,

who to this day they're coolest
guys I've ever met

they work on our show
they grew up in Tijuana, Mexico.

They're so smart and funny
and just like by far

to this day the most chill dudes
I've ever hung out with.

And they're really tough
but they also love Morrissey

Which, I don't know if everybody's
heard about this?

Turns out in southern California almost
every Mexican–American male

just has a real love of Morrissey
I promise i'm not being racist

google it, there's academic essays trying
to get to the bottom of this shit

There are. And to meet guys who are
tough

but who also love Morrissey I've
never felt better about this in my life

Never felt better about that one.

I'll say this too, even with the internet
3,000 miles means you can cut people out

And, and there were people who
were very very negative

in my life I just never
spoke to them again

And life starts getting fun.
It really does, I sleep with two girls

in the four months that I am in California,
back then: Sinatraesque hot streak yo

No idea. And I'm meeting all these
new people

and they don't know me
they do not know me as this

anxiety riddled mess from New Jersey
They're just like "Who's this new kid

that loves sex and basketball?"

That's who I am to them.
Then a great thing happens

we get a mid season
pick up which is really rare in TV

It means while we're working on
the show the Network calls

and they're like "Hey, we love
how it's coming out

keep going, we're going
to give you even more money

than we originally said
so you can make more

Your dream gets to be your job
at least a little while longer."

And it's great news There are a lot
of logistics to take care of though

like I have to call the clinic
doctor back in New Jersey.

I call the clinic doctor I leave a message
on his answering machine

and I say "Hey good news but it means
I have to be out here for four months

You prescribed me three months
worth of medication

so just let me know how we handle
that." And about a week goes by

I don't hear back so I call again,
I leave another message

on the clinic Doctor's machine
And I say, "Hey I counted out

my pills and I'm definitely
running out while I'm out here, so

I don't know, can you prescribe
over the phone or should I space out

when I'm taking them?
I really just need a game plan."

Because you don't want to go cold
turkey off any medication really, right?

Let alone a mental health one Let alone
Risperdal. Right Risperdal people?

No way. If you want to be able
to not fall asleep tonight Google

"What happens If I go cold turkey
off Risperdal?"

Read the very lengthy list that comes up
I've done it. Here's some of my

favorite selections from that list.
"Psychosis. Black out states

Homicidal thoughts, and actions Sweating"

and I love that they even include
sweating why bother?

Why put sweating on that list. Why?
It's like "Oh, if you don't black out

and murder someone, whoof."

But all jokes aside
I'm getting very scared

And a few days later I call again
I'm leaving another massage

on the clinic Doctor's machine
He picks up, cuts me off

while I'm leaving it he says "I don't
understand why you keep calling me

You're not my patient anymore."
And I say, "Excuse me?"

And he says
"you, you when you started with me

when you started with
me you signed paperwork

that said if you don't
see me for a certain number of weeks

then I am no longer responsible
for you I am not liable for you."

And I cut him off "I say hold on
okay

Let me, let me just cop to this,
if you say I signed that piece of paper

I'm sure I did.
I'm certain you're correct about that

But please just keep in mind
that the first day I saw you

I signed a lot of pieces of paper
I was also twenty two years old

I was suicidal, And I was terrified
so pardon me if I don't Remember

every piece of paper that I signed
And even if that is the case

that's how you handle this? You
just chose to not pick up the phone?

I have told you more about me
than I've ever told Anybody

you know that I am further away
from my family

than I have ever been and you
chose to not pick up the phone?

That is really fucked up."

And I wind up talking about this situation

with a co–worker and she puts me
in touch with her shrink

I get a last minute emergency
appointment.

And I see this guy. I'm really freaked out
telling him what's going on

And he stops me about five
minutes into the session

he stops me, he goes,
"hold on, I'm going to calm you down

I'm going to
write you your prescriptions right now

right in front of you so you know
that you have these.

Because you need these
and I am quoting him when he says

"Your doctor in New Jersey sounds
like an asshole."

That is his professional diagnosis of his
peer. That job's up. I come back East

I see this clinic doctor again
I say "get me off these pills man

because I can only get them you from
and I will never trust you again

I just won't. Get me off the pills."
And I do. I wean off the pills

at the end of 2004, safely. And
2004–2007, good years honestly.

No complaints at all I move to
New York, start picking up jobs

none of them are the dream but I'm
inching closer.

Writing gigs, weird ones
At one point I am hired to write jokes

for the NFL Player Chad Ochocinco.

Nobody, to this day
nobody has ever explained to me

why a member of the
Cincinnati Bengals needed jokes

but I'll take your money I don't care.
I'll take that cash. Give me that.

I get acting, I start getting acting work
I'm getting mostly commercials

mostly commercials. If you search my
name on Youtube to this day,

you go deep enough in
the search results, you can still find

a very annoying commercial
for H&R Block

where I wear lederhosen
you can find that.

And, I once auditioned for a
Subway Sandwich Commercial

to play the role of "Man who is
Unattractive to Women."

That was the character's name in the script
they couldn't even call him

Doug or something like that.
I didn't book that part, I'm assuming because

And I'm home one day I'm in Woodside,
Queens where I live at the time

and I'm in my underwear and a T–shirt
I'm eating cereal

not because it's breakfast time
but because the gas

has been disconnected from my stove.

Not even because I'm broke
I just forgot to pay it a few times

and they turned it off and I'm like
whatever I don't care, who cares

and then it stayed off
for like a year and a half

It's true. My phone rings,
my phone rings. It's a 212

number I don't recognize
"Hello?" "Hey buddy

how's it going!" "It's alright . . .
I'm sorry who is this?" "Seth Meyers!"

Now, I just want to be very clear.
Seth Meyers is behaving as if he and I

have spoken on the telephone before
This is not the case. "Oh,

um . . . is everything okay?" yeah actually
I wanted to run something past you.

We have a little extra money
in the budget

do you want to be a writer at
Saturday Night Live?"

"Yeah." Turns out I have a two week
guest writer contract at SNL

next thing I know I'm at 30
Rockefeller Center

I'm walking the halls with all
the pictures of the past hosts.

It's like Steve Martin, Tom Hanks, Jason
Priestley? Really?

Like what, you know?
I'm staying up all night

I'm staying up all night, I'm
working on sketches

with the cast and the writers,
it's like so hands on, it's so fun.

It's everything we have all read about in
the too many oral histories of that show.

Then the two weeks is up
and it goes away

and they're nice about it they're cool
They're like, "We like what you do

it's just not what we do, you know? It's
not a great match, this job's not for you"

And man does the bottom fall out
And I want to be clear

I need to be clear
I'm not trying to stand up here

in front of all you guys going,
oh poor me

I didn't get a cool job
That's not the issue.

The issue actually, is that
I did get the job

And nothing changed. Nothing.
I spent my whole adult life chasing jobs

that's just what I did, and I always
figured you get one of those jobs

you know like one of those brass
ring jobs

that everybody's trying to grab onto.
You've got to feel so validated, right?

Everyone has to recognize how amazing
you are. That didn't happen.

And I knew in my heart I knew even
if that had worked out long term

that was never going to happen.

No job can change the fact that
I don't have it together

enough to have a functioning stove.
Comedy does not exist to fix me.

Maybe, just maybe, banking my entire
emotional health on a successful career

in the arts wasn't a good idea.

And the next few months, bad, bad
ends with me having an attack

that lasts for four days unbroken

four days long
it's the longest one I have ever had

it was brutal.
And, my roommate at the time

starts making me sleep on the couch

and then he's making sure I
fall asleep before he does

He thinks I'm going to hurt myself.

And on the fourth day, he says
"dude don't put

me in this position anymore man
You've gotta,

you've gotta find help man
I'm getting really scared."

And this is a guy who grew up in
Chicago and like doesn't

he doesn't get scared. He doesn't, he
never, he didn't want to go

to the hospital when he
had fucking kidney stones

He's never been scared so.

Gets through to me
and I do what he says

And I reach out to some doctors
and that's when I find Barb

And guess what, guys?
Everything's great now!

Because "He's melancholy
she's quirky, but it works!

Gethard and Barb, coming to ABC
Family this fall!"

Family friendly sitcom. I wish. I wish it
was like we sail off into the sunset

when I meet my weirdo shrink
But that would be very

disingenuous actually.
Because that would imply

that meeting Barb has somehow healed me

And that's not the case at all

I still take pills everyday as soon as
I wake up

every night right before bed
I've gotten past this tough guy

I won't need the pills some day thing.
It's medicine, I take it, it's fine.

And I still get depressed,
pretty frequently, actually

Although I think you'll be happy to hear
nine times out of ten

when it shows up now,
I handle my depression

how we all handle a cold.
You know, like there's days

there's days when you wakeup
and you're like, "ugh I feel like this

ugh, okay."
And then you move on right?

You do what you have to do
You go to work, I'm lucky

enough to come here as my work. You
guys go to offices where you g–chat people

it's like, you know. You do what you do.

I can handle my depression
that way because I take my medicine

and because I have worked
very hard and because I lean on Barb.

With her help I have decided
at the very least I would love it

if this wasn't the thing that kills me

I can say that now.
And since she came up again

since I mentioned Barb one more time
I want to make sure you guys know

Barb is well aware of this show
she knows all about it

I was really up front with her,
I say, I Go "Barb

one of the running themes of this show
one of the ideas that I return to again

and again is that you're not great
at your job

Is that okay with you?"
And she says "Yeah, whatever."

She goes "I think you should work on it
like It sounds like a good challenge

and if you can make that stuff funny
it'll be more gratifying than

the usual bullshit jokes you write." She goes
"I actually think it's a really good idea

I think it's such a good idea
that you should come to Mexico

live in my house, and you and me will
write the show together."

And I go "No!" She says "Why?"
I'm like "You have to pretend

to be a real doctor one fucking time!"
What are we even talking about?

But even with her in my life
even with someone like Barb

who I so clearly trust and enjoy
as much as I do

stuff still goes down every once in a while.
The last really major incident I had

it was in 2012.

I'd been seeing Barb for five full
years by then.

I fell off the wagon that year
I performed comedy at a music festival

called Bonnaroo And after the show
a bunch of the comedians

wanted to celebrate and they say
"Hey we think we're going to do MDMA"

And I said, "Oh I've heard of
that right, MDMA

they call that molly that's
the stuff ecstasy is made out of, right?

I've heard that's very
fun." And they're like

"It's so fun, and it's actually super
relaxed man

it's like very chill." Like,
I don't know, like maybe.

And I'm like "You know what I haven't
had a drink in many years at this point

clearly I can demonstrate some
self–control, now

I think I'm
going to try some MDMA.

And I do. I try it, and I like it

I like it a lot, I'm like
Wow my skin is so tingly

and I had no idea that
a fire hydrant

and me, and God
are actually the same thing.

Never knew any of that

I like it so much
that over the next 36 hours

I personally eat 300 dollars
worth of MDMA

which we just heard a whole
bunch of users gasp at.

Because you guys know
that's too much MDMA.

It was also explained to me later
I guess it's well known

amongst people that use this drug
you're gonna get depressed

in the days after you do it.

This is like a thing everybody
knows about this drug

I would not have taken it
if I had known that.

I suffer from lifelong massive
depression issues.

All I needed to do to avoid
a completely fucked up summer

was just take out my phone
and just Google

"MDMA what happens?" That's it!

I did not even put in that much work.
And everything goes haywire

I get back to New York

I break up with this girl
who I've been seeing for years

And I move out on that roommate
who I think saved my life

And I start staying out
all the Time

I'm partying like seven nights a week.
I start sleeping around

which we've known each
other for an hour

You guys know that
that's not me

I am well aware that I look like
I wandered off the pages

of a children's clothing catalogue.
I know that.

But I'm charming, I'm not going
to claim I'm charming

all of New York city
that summer

but I am definitely charming
significant portions

of both Greenpoint and Williamsburg

That is true. It turns out
looking vaguely like Ira Glass

goes a long way in Brooklyn
It does, it turns out.

There was one
girl who I could not charm

and I remember it very well because
it actually hurt, it hurt pretty bad.

There was this group of friends
and we always went out dancing

that was our thing.
And this one girl

she was this leggy
redhead punk rocker

I thought she was the coolest.

And we live in the same neighborhood
so, walking home same direction

you know, and the vibe is there.
I decide to make the move.

And she goes "pfffffffffft."

I'm like

But we're friends, we're friends
And then she's like "Yeah

no, no offense like maybe someday
but c'mon dude

you got to get your shit together."
And I'm like, "Oh that, yeah

Absolutely, no argument from me
you are very perceptive

I only like you more
now." It was one of those, right.

And I tricked Barb that
summer mostly via lying.

Because I told her
I told her I did the drugs

And she asked if I was okay
and I just said yeah

I didn't tell her everything
was like spiraling out of control.

She had no idea. I was hiding it
She didn't know

I was behaving really erratically
very out of character

If she had known that, she would have
done a lot of things differently.

She says to me that summer
"Hey I think you have ADD

I want to put you on Adderall."
And I say, "Yep!"

Because I don't know
much about Adderall

except that college kids abuse it,
and it was that kind of summer man

It really was.
It turns out Adderall is an amphetamine

I didn't really, I didn't know that
It's an amphetamine.

Scientifically speaking
it's not that different from meth.

And that summer
I basically become a meth head.

I am popping Adderall like jelly beans
I am eating 60 milligrams

of Adderall every day

which we just heard
a grad student gasp at

We heard it. Good luck on your thesis.
I hope it goes well.

Now this drug, I'm not trying
to throw this drug under the bus

it can really turn people's lives
around, it really can

I was abusing it, I deserved

all the weird side effects that I got
and there were many

There were many. Anything that happened
to my body that summer

if I Google Adderall, comma, whatever's
happening, it comes up

Like, Adderall
can't get a boner, yup.

Adderall, boner will not go away, yup

Adderall, shitting blood, yup.

Turns out that Adderall
can make you like very Dehydrated

and hypertense and that gives you
these internal hemorrhoids

And then what happens

is like, let's say maybe like

like maybe you're not
eating enough fiber you know or like

you got some stressful stuff going on.

You go, you're not hydrated,
you push they burst. The blood.

Did you guys have any questions, or?
Are you good?

– I'm okay.
– You're good, great, good, good

Everybody's good guys.
Everybody's good.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry

I go to see a doctor about this problem
He bends me over a table

He takes a device
that I am not kidding

is called an "Anus–scope"

he inserts it into me, then recoils

and says "Wow...you have
particularly beefy hemorrhoids."

So that's been said to me.

So that summer I start doing as
many shows as I Can

cause comedians in New York
we're really lucky

If I want to do five, six,
seven shows a night

I can do that in this town, I'm lucky.
You know,

that's if I want to break my back

And as you guys know if I don't
want people asking me

what's going on
I keep myself way too busy.

So one Sunday night I'm on stage

at the Upright Citizens Brigade
where I came up.

I'm in an improve show
there It's called Asscat

It's been running for twenty years

and it's a pretty notorious show.

Mostly because famous people do it
like the SNL Cast

or different sitcom stars when they're
around, drop in

mess around, do improv. That's
important, it's a mess around show

It's not if you go
and no one is taking this seriously

I'm warning you now Like people
make fun of each Other

sell each other out,
people will be drinking on stage

It's fun though. It's like,
it's not a good Show

it's good people
intentionally doing a bad show.

It's funny, it's kind of, it's almost
it's like the comedy equivalent

of an NBA All Star game
in that way.

Which even if you don't like basketball

I'm begging you watch
the All Star game

it is my favorite thing all year.

You get all the best basketball players
on the entire planet

no exaggeration, and they show up
in the same arena

and then they're like,
"You know what?

This doesn't count in the standings.
Shoot from half court

nobody play defense
who gives a shit about this!"

And its really fun man. It's really fun.

And I'm in this scene

with another actor
and he makes a joke about me

Fair game, that happens
every week in that show

people make jokes about each other
you know let it go who cares?

But that summer
I just can't handle it.

I don't even remember what I say
but his response is

"Well at least
I can straighten my arms"

and he's referring to this, I don't know
if you've noticed this about me

I got this thing going on.
My mom has it

and she passed it on to me
and it sucks

but who cares. Let it go
make fun of him back

move on that's how the show works.
You know.

But that summer I feel like man
all these people are laughing at

what I think is this really hideous
thing about me

and when that thought enters my
brain, my breath just goes

And the heat

and the pins and needles

and this is happening on stage
and that's never

that's never happened to me before
and I can't

let all these people see this
And I don't know

I don't know what to do

So I turn around and I leave

I walk, I walk off stage
In the middle of the show I leave.

And people always want to know
people always ask me

who said the thing about you.
Who said that joke about your arms

they always want to
know, and I have not wanted to share it.

Because famous people
do get involved in that Show

And I don't want this thing
with my name on it

to be reduced
to like TMZ gossip bullshit.

But...

during our stage run of the show
like we took audience feedback

sometimes and people expressed
they were very dissatisfied by that.

And they were passionate about it

to a weird Degree
Like multiple people used the word

Cheated

One guy, and one guy used the phrase
blue balled

I'm like, calm down. Calm down

You know. So what I've done,
and I want to honor it even here is

I've come up with this game
as a Compromise

where every single time
I perform this show I give one hint

and then it's up to you guys
Is that okay if I give you one hint?

Great.

Here's your one hint . . .

He played a character named Kenneth
the Page on 30 Rock.

So put on your detective hats
and see what you...

I walk off stage
This mystery actor follows me.

And he's behind me in the tech booth
at UCB

This is a long narrow hallway
he's behind me

he's mad, and I get it. I do.

He's like,
"Dude, that's how the show works man,

you can't do this Like,
we both look bad. You look like a baby

You're making me look like a bully
man. This is not cool."

And he's correct about that,
he is correct about that

And we, I want to make sure
you guys know,

he and I had already been very tight
friends for over ten years

at the point and we're
still friends today.

He lives in Los Angeles now
and he still texts me

every single year on my birthday
which is way more than you get

from most of your friends
that move to Los Angeles

He's a good
guy, very good Guy

Good friend
and he did not have ill intentions.

But he also hadn't seen me yet,

he's been behind me
this whole time

We get to the Green Room,
I turn around

I don't even say a word he goes
"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Because 10 years
of friendship he understands

that I deal with this stuff
and as soon as he looks me

in the eye he realizes
that I am not even there

and he says
"I'm sorry, I didn't know,"

and I say
"It's okay, it's not your fault

It's just been a really
rough summer, Jack McBrayer."

So, I push past the mystery actor

and I leave
UCB, and I get in my car.

I should not be driving
like this but I'm freaking out

and I'm making random turns
I have no plan,

and the next thing I know
I'm in the Lincoln Tunnel

I'm headed to Jersey.

I don't know why, I haven't lived in
Jersey in ten years at this point

but that will always be my home

and maybe if I get out there
I'll calm down

I do and I don't
It's just getting even worse

I gotta try something else.
So the next thing

I do is I put on The Smiths.

Because when you're 32 years old

and you're having a night like that
and you hear lyrics like

"Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep

I'm tired and I. I want to go to bed

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know

deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

There is another world.
There is a better world

There must be.

On a night like that
when you hear lyrics like those

you think to yourself, thank god

somebody else knows this impulse

and he's not calling me
a fucking coward.

So I make a bunch of random turns

and eventually
I wind up in Weehawken, New Jersey

I don't know why.
I don't know much about Weehawken.

I know more now
cause of Lin–Manuel Miranda.

But there's these cliffs
there's these cliffs in Weehawken

They overlook the Hudson River and
the Manhattan skyline

and I am on the cliff
I think I should jump

And instead I sit on this bench all
by myself, and I cry.

And, I do want to just make sure
you guys know Though

that's the best view
of the Manhattan skyline

you're ever going to see. It is,
somebody knows, a few people know.

Boulevard East, Weehawken New Jersey,
stunning view

Overwhelming view. You take a
date out there, you'll blow their mind

You're gonna hook up that night
trust your boy gethard on that one

Trust your boy. Don't tell your date you
found out about it in a suicide show.

Here's how I know
it's a really good date spot

I'm sitting on this bench
all by myself crying

and these two couples
are walking towards me.

They're on the promenade
along on the cliff

one of these couples
they're on a double date

very very clearly on a double date
that's the vibe.

One of these couples
sits right here on my bench.

And the other couple sits here

on my bench And they're talking
and they're joking and laughing.

And no one mentions
the crying 32 year old man

who's also on the bench
And I'm like "What's going on?

Can they not even see me?
They can't even see me

I must be a ghost. I'm the ghost of
Weehawken, New Jersey."

I stand up off my crying bench. I'm like
"I'm a ghost and nobody can see me

And if that is true then
that means I can do whatever I want

because if nobody can even see me

then there's not even consequences
to my actions."

And I wander around Weehawken
for a few hours

in this manic haze and it's bad

There's a steakhouse
up on the cliff

fancy place you can imagine, it
overlooks the Manhattan skyline

and I need to be clear I don't actually
say any of the following.

I am thinking all of the following
thoughts, I never verbalize them

I don't say a word
but I enter this Steakhouse

I start walking up to tables and in my
head I'm like:

"Pfffft Bro, you got a burger
at a steakhouse?

Come on man, What are you doing man?

Your date's gonna think you're cheap

Scallops, nice.

How come seafood's always good
at a Steakhouse

I've never really understood that. . .

A steak at a steakhouse.

Thank you. Do we see
how it's done everybody?

Do we see how it's done?"

But again, I don't actually say
any of that.

So all these people
in this expensive restaurant

see is a crying 32 year old man
burst in and go

and then leave

And it's bizarre.
It's bizarre to the degree

that I wouldn't be surprised if one of
the people there that night

is doing their own one
man show just about seeing that.

I wander through
Weehawken for a long while

more and eventually
I wind up back on my crying bench

And I don't know what to do.
So I call Barb,

and she says
"Hey, you never call me at night

or on the weekends?
What's going on?"

And I said "Barb, I lost it on stage

I couldn't breath, this guy
he made a joke about me

Jack McBrayer is his name

and I'm in Weehawken Now

and I don't even really know
how I got here,

but there were scallops involved
and now I'm up on a cliff

and I can't feel my face
but I'm up, I'm up on a cliff "

And she stops me. She goes,
"Let me ask you a couple of questions

Compared to a few hours ago

do you feel like you're headed in the
right direction or the wrong one?"

And I say "I feel like total garbage

still but I mean I guess if you make me

consider it like that I guess I do feel
slightly better, I guess I'm headed

in the right direction."

And she says, "That's good
And it's good you called me, right?"

And I say, "Yeah."

And she says
"We'll talk about it on Thursday."

Which is not the correct thing to say

When you have a historically
suicidal patient call you from a cliff.

But she knows me really well
she knows how I'm going to react

As soon as she says it,
the spell lifts

because I realize it's Sunday

It's actually after
midnight, technically it's Monday

I can make it to Thursday.

Even if I feel this horrible
the entire time

I can do that, when you put it
like that, I can do that

I can make it to Thursday.

And I'll tell you something
about my life

my life's taken
this very unexpected turn

the past few years because
I have started talking about this stuff

in my comedy a little bit never

as in depth as I am doing
with this show.

And I've written,
I've written about this side of Myself

a couple times online, and this has lead
to a situation that I never saw coming.

Where I am not exaggerating
when I say that at this point

I have now received thousands
of Emails

Facebook messages
any way people get in touch

they do
and they're people who need help

And a lot of times, I swear to you
they don't even know I'm a comedian

They don't know
anything about me

they'll just Google who will talk
about this stuff

and this thing I wrote comes up.

And so often
they are really young

And they help.

And you'll be happy to hear
any time somebody asks me for help

I say the same thing straight away

I go look "First things first
I'm not a Professional

And it's not like I can tell you
something my shrink told me

because she's not
really a professional either.

But when I answer these messages

especially when they're from young kids

I almost always find myself
telling them some version of that

Thursday story.

And I say for me it was that
it was a length of time

that I needed to last

For you maybe It's a place
where you feel safe

Or a person you feel okay
opening up to.

I don't know.
It's probably will not be that easy.

You don't get to pick what breaks you

You really cannot predict
what's going to save you.

But please
keep your eyes peeled for it

Please, because I bet
that its out there

and I bet you can find yours

because I found mine

and I never dreamed
I'd be strong enough to say that.

I mean, there were fifteen years
of my life

You guys have heard about them tonight
fifteen years

where the entire time
for fifteen years I was just

completely convinced
that I was never going to feel better.

And now, when I call my mom

she doesn't have to be scared

And I'm not wasting all this time
pretending comedy

is gonna fix me somehow.
It's not.

This isn't the type of thing
that gets fixed you just

you'll live with it.
And I don't hide it anymore.

I never have to hide it.

From anyone ever again

because my wife has seen this stuff
at it's worst and she still loves me.

And I still love

that leggy redheaded punk rocker.

Even if she doesn't know
how to close a god damn cabinet door.

I get another type of email too though

I get another type of email all the time

It's from people who aren't the
ones actually suffering from this stuff

but they see it.
They're around it. It's in their lives

They say "My cousin,
my co–worker, my friend

I'm watching them
I'm watching them deal with this really

horrible thing and I want to help but

Then they almost always add this
caveat and it drives me nuts

They say, "I really want to help but
I don't want to mess anything up

I wouldn't want to make it worse."

And that gets under my skin

and those people
I almost always find myself telling them

about the clinic Doctor
from back in the day that clinic Doctor.

I say you sound too much
like that guy right now.

He never wanted to be responsible
for messing anything up

He refused to be liable

should anything get worse
And that's why he needed everything

to be so correct.

I say, "Don't be like that

Be like Barb

She doesn't give a fuck what's correct.

But she really always tries
to do what's right

And when it came down to it

she chose to pick up the phone.

And that's
why I have so much love her.

And it's why I always will.

Even though . . .

She once told me . . .

That in the nineteen seventies

She starred in a pornographic film