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So take us back to the beginning,
Jamie, how did this all start ?

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Okay, so about four years ago
my life changed forever

when I got an email from a guy called
Rocky Flintstone.

Rocky Flintstone was my dad

and he'd been secretly writing porn
in the garden shed.

The book was called "Belinda Blinked",
and it was horrific.

It was amazing.

The best worst book ever written.

So then my friends James and Alice
made me read it to the whole world.

Belinda blinked.
It wasn't a dream.

The job interviewer had just asked her
to remove her jacket and silk blouse.

The book's about a woman
called Belinda Blumenthal

who shags her way around
the world selling pots and pans.

One half erotica
and one half business manual.

So we started a podcast and it went
from a few people listening...

I can't see anything.

I'm going to wet myself.

... to quite a lot of people listening.

But we should say,
it's not a sexy book.

As Belinda groaned,

the duchess hummed,
watching her perspiring pussy meat.

Rocky's metaphors are unique.

Her nipples were now as large
as the three inch rivets

which had held the hull
of the fateful titanic together.

And he has zero concept
of the female body.

He grabbed her cervix.

He's gonna kill her.

I would swear to god he was a virgin.

It got so crazy that people were talking
about a movie version.

And actual proper actors were
lining up to play the characters.

I do like the idea of playing
Dr Robbins.

I feel like I should put on like
a fat suit and play Jim Sterling.

I'd quite like to play Alfie,
the small-ish man.

I would go for Adolf. I've already
spoken to my agents about it.

It all got a little bit out of hand.

My Dad Wrote A Porno.

My Dad Wrote A Porno.

There are similarities between
your father's work and Hamlet.

FIFTY SHADES OF HILARIOUS

Oh my god !

He's a fucking genius. Come on.
How else have we got here ?

A GLOBAL WORD
OF MOUTH SENSATION

So now I'm reading my dad's porn
on HBO. Brilliant.

MY DAD WROTE A PORNO

Live from London, please welcome
Jamie, James and Alice.

Hi guys. My name's Jamie
and "My Dad Wrote A Porno".

He did do that. Thank you.
It's my hell but your entertainment.

So my dad, the legend,
Rocky Flintstone.

Okay. So he wrote these shit
books, right ?

And right at the start he
wrote something that even he thought

was too shit to include in any
of the Belinda Blinked books.

So I'm reading that tonight. Yes.

What's it about exactly ?
What happens ?

It is a Belinda Blinked chapter,
so it's not about anything at all.

But it involves Belinda Blumenthal,

the international sales director
of Steeles Pots and Pans.

She takes her regional sales managers
on a kind of team building away day...

Thank you so much, it's already
fantastic. So good.

It's a business book, so they're
doing a corporate away day.

Makes absolute sense.

London, are you ready for this ?

I think we should play
the drinking game.

That's a great shout, yes.

- We should establish official rules...
- Yes, the official rules.

Okay, you know how Rocky likes
to focus on unnecessary details,

like if the camera was
on them shagging,

it would slowly zoom
to the curtains or something.

Like, it just focuses
on the most stupid things.

Distracted. Exactly.

So every time there's like
an unnecessary detail, drink.

Yeah, agreed.

Okay, my rule is going
to be grammar. Bad grammar.

Because I feel like he does it all
afterwards, after the event.

So he'll go through a little
semi-colon, full stop in there,

let's put a comma,
yeah, apostrophe.

For him, a semi-colon is just his work
winking back at him

It's like,
you're doing a great job, Rocky !

And I think, if you're only going to
drink on one of the rules tonight,

everybody must drink
when Belinda blinks.

Before we start, there's one thing
that's really important to just note.

Whatever we read,
your dad wrote it.

Look what's behind me.
That is going to haunt me.

That is as big as we could manage.
But I think we should open the book.

This thing here ?

Dad porn, dad porn !

Okay !

Belinda Blinked.

Drink. Start as we mean to go on,
I'm going to get shit-faced.

"Belinda Blinked",
The Lost Chapter.

Team building with
the regional sales managers.

Semi colon.

- It's already started.
- On a title. Yes, Rocky.

Belinda Blumenthal, international sales
director of Steeles Pots and Pans

turned her Mercedes into the driveway
of the secluded manor house

she had hired for the team building
away day extravaganza

on the Cornish coast.

- Very nice part of the world.
- It is a lovely part of the world.

But it's also about a seven
hour drive from London.

- It seems a long way to go for a day.
- And back.

14 hour round trip. They're going
to be there for 10 minutes,

quick shag, back in the car.
Bye.

The training guru,

she was pinning the whole
show on was good.

No. Very, very good.

Who wants to guess the name
of this guru ? Anyone ?

- Veronica ?
- No.

Electra ? Behave.

Nancy ? I feel like this woman's
just lost someone called Nancy.

Nancy ! Nancy !

Where the fuck are you ?
We're at the wrong show.

No... I'm sorry guys
but I didn't hear it.

Because Melania was...

I'm joking, I'm obviously joking.

No. Natasha Biles.

- Interesting choice of surname.
- It is, isn't it ?

Because that's not, it's not
a sexy liquid, is it, bile.

- It's like pre-vomit, isn't it ?
- Acid reflux.

Natasha Biles was the best
in the industry,

and she almost always guaranteed
exceptional results.

In reality she herself was
a fiery redhead.

Alice...

- Guilty as charged.
- Of French extraction not the less.

As it turned out, she was also
the local female lifeboat member.

- I'm drinking on that.
- I'm drinking on that as well.

You don't want to think
about drowning people

when you're reading porn.

There will be a small cross-section
of the community that do.

So as it turned out she was also
the local female lifeboat member,

so she was equally at home in a pair
of yellow wellingtons and oilskins

as in a team-building
businesswoman's uniform.

That is a lot of interesting sartorial
choices in one sentence.

With a light heart,
Belinda checked in.

And... Sorry can I just say,
that's one fucking paragraph.

Look. There it is. On its own.
It's just so sad.

It's unorthodox, I'll give you that.

It's very important.

She strolled down the wide exquisitely
carpeted staircase.

God, we're going to be drunk.

The weirdest things get her off,
don't they ?

She's like walking down the stairs,
going, who laid that ?

Oh my god, it goes
all the way to the edge !

What, that's your definition
of exquisitely carpeted ?

- Functional carpet.
- To the edge of the room.

Her comfortable yet sexy black leather
trouser suit.

Another great look.

Did you say it was comfortable,
yet sexy ?

Yeah, comfortable yet sexy.

I feel like she's worn it a lot, like
there's a bit of give in the gusset.

Oh James. A baggy crotch. No.

Her comfortable yet sexy black leather
trouser suit squeaked...

So she's literally like...

Mental !

As she strutted along the long tiled
hallway into the conference room.

I'd argue surfaces are getting a lot
of air time and not much sex thus far.

Natasha stood up and immediately
pushed her throbbing tongue

into Belinda's purple mouth.

- Now we've started.
- I spoke too son. Okay.

- We're literally in Belinda's mouth
- Yeah.

Well, Natasha is.

There's a lot of activity there.
A lot going on.

- Want to break it down ?
- Go "fiddy-fiddy" ?

What was it, purple mouth ?
I'll take the purple mouth.

I will take throbbing tongue.
I won't take throbbing tongue.

- Although... We'll see.
- The night is young.

- Eligible bachelors in the room.
- Purple mouth. Is she dying ?

- No. Choking ?
- No. She's fine.

- Ill ?
- She's fine.

My question is about
the throbbing tongue.

Yes, Alice.

Is that this kind of a motion.
like a...

Yeah.

I imagine it's like pulsing,
like you can feel the blood.

Sorry, is that your line ?

Cause you are literally fucked
for the rest of this book.

Sorry, one more question.
Have they ever met ?

- Interesting question.
- You're such a prude.

- They have never met.
- Okay.

Not even a hello. Just a...
"Nice to meet you."

Guys. Guys !

Belinda blinked.

- Cheers, cheers.
- To you and yours.

- You all right ?
- Do you know you're making a noise ?

- Yes.
- You're exhaling audibly.

- Give me a fucking second.
- You're deflating, we're concerned.

I don't know what's happening,
but can it last forever ?

I'm Natasha

and I'm in charge now.
Now ?

Definitely, I'm in charge now.

- Was that supposed to be French ?
- That was French. Good, I thought.

I think that was a hate crime.

- I'm offended for them.
- Fine. Anyone here French ?

Or at least thinks they could
do a better accent than I ? Yes.

Will you play Natasha Biles
for the rest of the show ?

You can't be worse than me.
But please take this seriously.

I take my accents very seriously,
I prep them.

They're not always appreciated,
but we want real commitment.

Think the Method. Daniel Day-Lewis.
Meryl Streep level.

- What is your name, by the way ?
- Tim.

- No, you're Natasha Biles !
- Natasha.

For God's sake.
Look alive, Natasha !

- This will not end well.
- Okay.

I am Natasha
and I'm in charge now.

- I promised I wouldn't, Tim, but...
- Fuck off Levine, that was middling.

- That was incredible.
- Thank you for that.

I will call on you.

But please, don't build your part
in the meantime. Switch his mic off.

No, thanks for being involved,
we really appreciate it.

Natasha put her hand
on Belinda's... knee.

- Did you hear that anticipation ?
- They're gagging for it.

So sex starved. Everyone was like,
where did she put her hand ?

Feeling no flinching or resistance.

That's called consent everybody.

- What ?
- No, it's not.

That's really not consent.
What, not flinching or resisting ?

Want to have a conference
behind my hands ?

You're wrong. That is not consent,
if somebody just doesn't flinch.

It's so murky, isn't it ?

- So if they don't recoil...
- If they're not sick.

Feeling no flinching or resistance,
she slid it up the leather clad leg.

Slid what up? Oh, the hand.

The leather clad leg
of the chair or of Belinda ?

- Of Belinda.
- Sorry. There's a lot of leather.

Belinda opened her leg.

- One leg ?
- Singular.

- She just spatch-cocked her thigh.
- Yeah.

Belinda opened her leg,
allowing Natasha free access to...

If you say WiFi, I'm walking out.
That's my line.

Why ? She's got four bars there,
she's got a very connected vagina.

Put your email in,
and you're away.

At this point, I could say 4G spot,
but I haven't. Just so you know.

I've taken the high ground.

- No, free access to her groin.
- Groin ?

Yeah. Sexy, huh ?

With an experienced hand,

Natasha undid Belinda's patent
leather belt and pulled down...

Are you having an episode ?
Why are you speaking like that ?

This is really hard to read.
Can I get this one sentence up ?

"Belinda opened her leg allowing
Natasha access to her groin." Fine.

"With an experienced, hand,"

"Natasha undid Belinda's
patent leather belt"

"and pulled, down
her trousers's zip."

"Trousers's zip."

- We have to drink on that.
- Drinks for days.

You couldn't dream it so good,
could you ?

Her hand dove
into the vaginal area.

- Fucking hell, James !
- It sounds like she's...

- I heard the wind rush past you.
- Straight in there, no splash.

- Sorry.
- Don't say "no splash".

I heard it as I said it. Sorry.

Her hand dove into the vaginal area
where two...

- Fingers...
- Oh god.

- Pulled aside...
- What ?

- The flimsy...
- Flimsy.

Red... panties.

So, like...
No, like that.

What are you doing ?
Do that again, what was that ?

I was hooking the panties
to the side.

- I'd rather you didn't, but yeah.
- But then I was thinking...

What is that ?
Stop doing that. What is that ?

I thought that might be
the inflammatory move.

I was thinking of those sexy pants
that are cut up the middle.

A chap there is like,
"I know, I've seen them".

- So then you'd do that or like that.
- Stop ! They're not curtains.

'Morning !

That's more like Mum
on an iPad.

Two fingers, pulled aside
the flimsy red panties

and entered her clitoris.

- James, you have a question.
- The lady in the blouse, yes.

Yeah. Not my area of expertise.

But you cannot enter a clitoris ?

James, sit down. You lot,
you should know better.

Do not applaud basic knowledge.
He said it as a question.

- "You cannot enter a clitoris ?"
- That's progress, worryingly.

I'll put that in the notebook.
Another learning for another day.

- Is there a notebook ?
- You know, of things I've learnt.

- Musings.
- "You cannot enter a clitoris".

- Good.
- "Not flinching is not consent."

Belinda gently eased her trousers
down her asshole.

Asshole !

"Down her asshole".

How big's her asshole ?
"Down" ?

Into the lower mezzanine
of her asshole.

That's cool.
He's got asshole in there.

Dad, what the fuck ?
That's not nice.

- Are you proud of him ?
- Not right now, no.

Belinda gently eased her trousers
down her asshole,

being careful not to impede
Natasha's rhythmic touching.

Hang on. So, Natasha's like that,
and Belinda's like, "I'm so sorry".

"Can I just..."

"Do you mind..."

- No, I didn't.
- You touched a bollock.

- Did she ?
- You touched a bollock.

- It was fine.
- Alice entered my clitoris.

I'm not surprised. Five-finger
Levine was going for it up there.

She was absolutely loving it.

Belinda put her left leg on the arm
of Natasha's oak captain's chair.

She ran her left hand
through her raven mane,

whilst her right caressed
her shapely body.

Tracing the line
of her taut inner thigh,

she stroked her fingertips
over Natasha's broad shoulders.

Jamie, sorry to interrupt.

- Anyone else getting a bit lost ?
- It is a bit hard to follow.

Just now.

Bits are going in different places,
it's turning into a game of Twister.

Do you know what we could do ?
Something we can't on the podcast.

- Leave early ?
- No, but great idea.

- A recreation.
- Yes !

- Let's bring the book to life.
- I'm up for that.

I'll need a couple of volunteers
from the audience.

- I think I'll go amongst them.
- Good luck.

Lube me up, I'm going in.

Anyone someone's plus one ?
Like "what the hell am I..." ?

Hello.

- So you're a plus one ?
- Yes.

- Is this a date ?
- No.

- It's a date ? A first date ?
- Yes it is.

- What was that ?
- It definitely is a first date.

Oh my god, we've got a first date.

- Right. What's your name ?
- Ari.

- Ari, and ?
- Tom.

Ari and Tom.

- So how did you meet ?
- We work together.

Work together ?
It's like "Steeles, Pots and Pans".

Where do you work ?

- A chemical company.
- A chemical company.

Our company makes
the latex for condoms.

Are you fucking joking me ?

Oh my god.

I hope you manage to use
your own products this evening.

Have a fabulous night.
Give them a round of applause !

Would anyone like to help us
recreate a scene this evening ?

Yes. She's got the perfect
Belinda hair.

- Hello. What's your name ?
- Katie.

- What do you do for a job ?
- I'm a chef.

She's a chef !

- She works with pots and pans.
- It's fate.

It's meant to be. You're perfect.
Katie, you're our Belinda.

Head up to the stage.
We also need a Natasha.

Will you be our Natasha ?
Amazing.

We have our Natasha, give her
a round of applause. Let's go.

OK. Take a seat, you're Natasha.
You stand there, you're Belinda.

Jamie will read from the book
and you'll act out what he says.

- Good luck !
- It's bad.

We need to help them
get in the mood.

Could we set a sexier mood
on stage, please ?

I also have something for you.

LED tea lights. Alice !

You shouldn't have.

We're learning a lot about Alice
Levine's private life. LED tea lights !

- They work every time.
- Jamie, I think we're ready.

Okay. Belinda put her left leg

up on the arm of Natasha's
carved oak captain chair.

So that's what it looks like.

Hang on.
Can I borrow that ?

Put your left foot up, trust me.
On the arm.

There you go, hold that there.

She ran her left hand
through her raven mane,

whilst her right caressed
her shapely body.

I'll hold the hat for you.
There you go. Oh my God !

Has anyone else got a semi,
because this is hot stuff.

Tracing the line
of her taut inner thigh...

There you go, yeah.

... she stroked her fingertips
over Natasha's broad shoulders.

Bring them round here.
Stroke her like a cat.

Oh god.

Leg up, arm here.

James would be a bossy lover.
"Arm there. No. Caress me there."

Okay.
She grabbed her left breast...

If Rocky's written it, it's possible.

She's on the breast !

I'll take that.

She squeezed
a nut shaped nipple.

Wait, we've got nuts.
We'll bring you a nut.

Okay, what have we got ?
What nipple would you like ?

- Let's have that.
- That's offensive, but yeah.

You hold it where the nipple goes.

Then she followed the outline
with her forefinger...

- Going round.
- And round.

- And round.
- And round.

- And round.
- And round.

But increasing the pressure
with each circumnavigation.

You really give it some,
and you're enjoying it.

Natasha moaned deeply.

Belinda bent her head.

And started to excavate
her damp cave.

No. That's enough.
Stop the music. Lights back.

Give a round of applause
for Belinda and Natasha.

Take a bow girls.

Thank you.

That was a train-wreck.
But, well done James.

I saw a vagina.

Okay.

Suddenly, the girls heard the sound
of the regional sales managers.

God, that's why we're here,
I'd completely forgotten.

It's like the Beatles arrived.

... of the regional sales managers'
cars parking outside.

They quickly dressed one another,

finishing just as her subordinates
plodded into the room.

Way to kill the energy Rocky,
thanks.

Patrick O'Hamlyn...

He's in charge of two
whole countries, lest we forget.

Scotland and Ireland. Busy man.
Ken Dewsbury.

Really ? He films women
in his cellar. Guys, come on.

- You guys are sick.
- Des Martin.

And he dribbles during sex.
God, this lot.

And Dave Wilcox.

The Ringo of the group.

... slumped into the expansive
collection of chairs.

So the sales managers are all
on the same level.

All under Belinda, so to speak.

It's useful to see the company
structure of Steels Pots and Pans,

because there's been so much
thought put into these books.

I have it here. There's Belinda,
the centre of it all.

I love that we're supposed
to be turned on

and we're looking at chart
of a pots and pans company.

Yeah, it's not the most sexy.
It's also not that useful.

What's really important
is to see who's fucked who.

So, let's change that and see
who's done the dirty with who.

- Yeah, so...
- What do all the lines mean ?

Red is flirting whilst nude.

Not that much of that's gone on
in Steeles Pots and Pans.

Heavy petting is rife,
that's the blue line.

And the sex is the green one,
so again, not that much going on.

Let's widen it out and have
a look at the context

with every character that's graced
the "Belinda Blinked" universe.

God !

Look at it. It's like
the London Underground.

I love that all lines
lead to Belinda.

Although, and this is so sad,
look at Jim Thompson. Nothing.

Not a sausage. Literally.

- Poor Jim.
- Poor Jim.

But the session had begun.
Yes, it had !

Natasha placed three dice
onto the table.

Dice ? Okay.

And asked each person
to take a throw.

Patrick O'Hamlyn, he went first.
Oh yeah.

And with a hint of a tease,
he scored three sixes.

That is the best you can do
with three dice.

I'm sorry, what are we playing ?

- We're playing dice.
- He did say that.

Not a game, but cool.

- Everyone else groaned.
- Let's groan.

Swearing at the luck
of the Irish.

Bastards.

The rest of the RSMs
took their throws.

Des Martin scored a solid 10.

- Decent.
- From a three, a five and a two.

Nobody cares.

Dave Wilcox scored a 12.

- From a five, a six and a one.
- I love that he's filling pages.

And Ken Dewsbury...
A measly seven.

Let me guess,
a one, a four, a two.

From a two, a three and a two.

- Natasha picked up the dice.
- There's more dice. More dice.

- She passed them on to Belinda.
- There's a lot of dice admin.

Belinda smiled, but...
She didn't wink.

- Then don't write it.
- Good to know, thanks Dad.

You don't need to document it
if it didn't happen.

Her quick but casual throw...

Don't know where they went,
do not care.

Her quick but casual throw
resulted in a score...

Can we drum-roll, do a little...

Of...

Four.

Oh, God.

From a one, a two and
another wretched one.

That's disappointing.

Natasha Biles
looked daggers at her,

as a stunned silence said everything
there was to say on the matter.

Belinda lowered her eyes
and thought...

"Fuck me !"

"I've ruined her exercise.
What's she gonna do to me now ?"

Can we get a bit of perspective ?

Natasha said...

"That's the end of dice class.
Belinda, you came bottom,"

"you must spend the rest
of the afternoon topless."

Natasha took Belinda by the elbow,

guided her to the edge of the room
and licked her face.

- As you do.
- Why ?

I have no idea what's going on
in this fucking book.

Secretly, she pulled out a box

of Humphries Dice and Mice
joke shop dice.

My preferred brand.

And whispered...

- "As you can see..."
- Whispered !

"As you can see,
my box of dice"

"are from Humphries
Dice and Mice joke shop."

"Suppliers to royalty."

It's very good.
It's very, very good.

"Why, why you, you,
you, why, you..."

That does not say that.
Oh, it does.

Get this line up.

Why, why you, you, you,
why you,

you, you, why you...

You switched the dice
when it was my turn.

That is poetry.
That is beautiful.

Natasha declared...

"What do you expect ?
I am a guru."

Lust and professional respect
pulsed through her body.

Two very different emotions.

It was as if Natasha
could taste it on her breath.

Her breath ? Have you eaten
lust and professional respect ?

- It's very strong.
- Does it repeat, like onions ?

It was as if Natasha
could taste it on her breath

because she slowly pulled up
her skirt,

and flashed her cervix.

Now...

He has done this before.

Dad doesn't know what a cervix is,
just another word for vagina.

And Alice, this is a specific
pet peeve of yours.

It should be all of ours.

It is, but particularly it's a bee
in your bonnet.

He does think all the lady bits
are jumbled up in a bag

and they can go anywhere.

This would be a missed opportunity
to not clear it up for once.

- Two minutes.
- Please. You can take four.

You'll be surprised to hear we do
prepare before this show. I know.

We read a study because Rocky
struggles with female anatomy.

But so do a lot of you.

50% of millennial women
don't know where their vagina is.

That's real. That's not a joke.
This is not a laugh matter.

I don't mean, "is it here ?" They
don't know which bit's which.

So what do you think
that top label is ? They are...

I said backstage, we have
a room full of FalTu fans.

Yes, Fallopian tubes. Brilliant.
Next one down, what are they ?

That was almost unanimous,
apart from a chap.

I won't look at you. I won't embarrass
anybody. But in this zone,

who definitely said lungs,
but yes, that is...

The lungs of the reproductive
system, if you like. The ovaries.

Sir please be careful,
you are going to kill someone.

Next one down. I'll give you a clue,
it's the team player.

You can't spell this without "us".
Yes, it's the uterus. You bet.

What is the bottom right one ?

Did someone say banana ?

It's worse than I thought. Higher
than 50%. That is the vagina.

The last one. Let's have
complete silence for a second.

On the count of three
we could all do this together,

because I guess this is not happening
anywhere else in London tonight.

On the count of three, as loudly...
at the top of your lungs, sir...

Mind blown. Okay.
Three, two, one...

Cervix !

That was magical. I...

Yeah, applaud yourselves.

Because you just made me cum.
So thank you.

Thank you so much.

Alice Levine, respect.
That was good.

The team couldn't believe their luck

as Natasha and Belinda
unbuttoned their blouses,

unhooked their brassieres
and let their respective tits hang out.

- Yes !
- Respective tits ?

"These are my tits.
Those are your tits."

Within seconds,
a somewhat flushed-ish...

That's, although stupid,
quite nice. "Flushed-ish".

It's ever so nice to say.

Within seconds,
a somewhat flushed-ish

Patrick O'Hamlyn stood up
and said...

"Hey !"

"Listen to me".
I got the straight sixes."

"I'm stripping off too."

Suddenly Ken Dewsbury piped up.

"Fuck it."

"Fuck it.
I did no better than ladies."

- "I should be balled naked too."
- Balled naked ?

Then, unbelievably,
keeping true to his word,

Ken Dewsbury removed
all of his clothes.

- I don't want to see it.
- He folded them carefully.

- Drink.
- That's sexy and respectful.

He folded them carefully
on a wing-backed chair.

That's another drink, isn't it ?

Sitting around the edge
of the recently vacuumed room.

Yeah.

He then took care
to sit on his socks...

So as to not...

God.
I don't like it when you pause.

Soil the soft furnishings.

Has Ken done a poo ?

Sorry, he's about to shit himself,
or he has shit himself ?

- I don't know. It doesn't say.
- Doesn't matter.

- It's a moot point.
- Shit's coming either way.

Right, yep.

Des Martin,
never one to be caught out,

immediately stripped down
to his black thong.

I don't care how many times
he writes it, it's not catching on.

Although I felt like a lot of support
for that in the room.

80% of the men are wearing
black thongs tonight.

Natasha thought the session
was going rather well.

What was the criteria ?

Belinda was delighted.

Dave Wilcox was confused.

But he promptly stripped off,
for he was a businessman.

- And that's what they do.
- I guess.

Natasha's fuckably shaped
breasts...

Don't answer this, either of you,
just think about it.

What shape are they ? What shape
is a fuckably shaped breast ?

- Is it like a...
- Don't answer it.

Natasha's fuckably shaped
breasts echoed...

- Like one of those those exec toys ?
- Yes.

Natasha's fuckably shaped breasts
echoed the maturity

of her tanned, rounded body
and good, sturdy legs.

Sturdy legs as well.
Is that sexy ? Sturdy legs.

"I bet she can stand up for hours".

"She doesn't look
like she needs a chair."

It was all too much for Des Martin.

He simply had to have Belinda.
Team building session or no.

He reached over and pulled down
the boss's knickers.

I like that as a turn of phrase.
"Think you're the boss's knickers ?"

Everyone in the room gasped
at his cheek.

Very good.

And they waited.
Boy, did they wait !

For the slap on the face
he so truly deserved.

- It never came.
- Is there no justice ?

Belinda turned round
and kissed Des Martin. Deeply.

- That's nice.
- On his cock.

- That's really cool.
- Coolest thing I've ever heard.

Isn't that ?

- How do you deeply kiss a cock ?
- You tell me.

- Tongue down the urethra...
- You're going to answer ?

It's a guess.

That is the most Rocky thing
you've ever said.

You answered so quickly,
why didn't you give it a beat ?

- Pretend you just thought of it.
- "I like tongue down the urethra."

What a perfect impression of me.
"I like tongue down the urethra."

She opened her mouth wide
and took him in.

- Took him in.
- "Are you cold ?"

Need somewhere
to stay for the night ?

Stop pointing so much,
we can find it, thank you.

Opened her mouth
and took him in. In one gulp.

- Oh my god.
- Has she swallowed his cock ?

Shucked him back like an oyster.

Des Martin screamed.

- I'm not surprised.
- "Where's my cock ?"

"I had it this morning."

Hang on, sorry, no.
I read it wrong.

Ish.

Des Martin screamed in ecstasy.

I beg to differ, I don't think he did.
That sounds horrific.

And... Fuck me.

White...

Semen...

Dribbled down Belinda's throat.

Okay.

Oh god.

I'm literally, I'm a wreck.
I'm a wreck of a man.

- Your dad...
- I know !

Yeah. I don't need to say it.
You know.

Is it a bad time to ask you
to re-cap the last line ?

I can't remember
the exact wording of the...

Okay, fine.

Des Martin screamed in ecstasy

as white semen dribbled
down Belinda's throat.

It's no better on second hearing.
I though it might have mellowed.

Patrick O'Hamlyn could wait
no longer.

With a mighty leap and a bound,
he cleared the table.

- Spiderman.
- Catching Natasha by the breasts.

She's not a climbing wall.

He threw her onto
the exquisitely laid parquet floor.

There, writhing in expectation,

Patrick O'Hamlyn entered her vagina
and tickled her labia.

He entered her.
It sounds like he went like...

With one of those head torches.

"Yep, good in here. If you knock
that down, that's a partition."

"That pelvic floor can come up."

Natasha opened her legs wider.

She'd have to,
there's a whole man up there

doing extensive renovation.

- And pulled Patrick even deeper...
- Oh shit.

- Into her rampant body.
- So it's just a pair of shoes.

Like this, yeah.

- Meanwhile...
- Back at the office.

Meanwhile, Des Martin
returned Belinda's mouth

to his now reinvigorated penis.

Lovely.

And started to screw her politely.

"No, please, after you. May I ?"

Ken Dewsbury had set about
entering Belinda

and he started to fuck her
with gusto.

Gusto ? I that like...

No, that's pizzazz.

- There's a fine line.
- You always get them confused.

This all left an ever so bewildered
Dave Wilcox,

who quickly squatted
on Natasha's face.

- Don't do it quickly !
- You have to take your time.

Yeah.
She'll have two black eyes.

Just like.

Enabling her to chew his testicles.

This is really rough.
This is horrible.

I don't want to speak for the male
experience, but I'm gonna...

Look at James.
He's protecting himself.

Using your teeth to chew
on a testicle. That might hurt.

It's not advisable. Like biting
into like a pickled onion.

- My god.
- Why so vinegary ?

Not the taste, the texture,
you loon.

He growled in pleasure.

He didn't. He just didn't.

Waiting for Patrick O'Hamlyn
to drain himself.

I've never been more upset
by a verb.

It's disgusting, isn't it ?
Draining himself like a husk.

Waiting for Patrick O'Hamlyn
to drain himself.

Stop saying that.

So he could release
his big throbbing cock...

Into the wild.

- "Be free."
- Actual Free Willy.

- Very good, very good.
- I mean, a very different film.

So he could fully release his big,
throbbing cock

into Natasha's womanly creases.

- "Womanly creases."
- That's actually quite good.

Sounds like he's jizzed
in her back fat.

James !

"Thank you."

"Thank you for draining yourself."

God !

Jizzed in her back fat.
That is quite the image.

Belinda Blumenthal

plopped Des Martin's floppy phallus
out of her jaws.

How many people can honestly
say they're not turned on ?

You'd find it hard,
if you were being honest.

I don't think I'm ever going
to have an erection again.

Belinda Blumenthal plopped...
Plopped ?

It wasn't even flopped. Plopped.

... Des Martin's floppy phallus
out of her jaws

as she watched
her knackered colleagues.

Her mind got in touch...

Yes !

Hiya !

Her mind got in touch to say,
18 grand well spent.

18 grand ?

That's the most disgusting part
of this whole chapter.

This whole...
I mean, car crash...

- 18 grand on what ? On dice ?
- Mainly the clean-up, I imagine.

They had to just burn
the whole thing down.

Getting shit out of upholstery
is difficult. So I've heard.

Anecdotally.

Everyone...

Belinda blinked.

And that, thank fuck,

is the end of the chapter.

There's only one thing left to do.
Thank the man, the mystery...

- The monster.
- Yes.

My dad.

Please guys, be upstanding.

- To the great Rocky Flintstone.
- Rocky Flintstone !

- To Rocky.
- Cheers !

Thank you so much for coming out,
you've been amazing.

We were "My Dad Wrote A Porno",
you have all been perverts.

Thank you and good night !

MY DAD WROTE A PORN