All language subtitles for Joe.Rogan.Strange.Times.2018.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-monkee.eng

-Oh!

What the fuck, Boston?

Goddamn! Thank you.

It's good to be here.
Good to be back.

Fuck!

I love it.

Goddamn it!

Good to see happy people...

having a good time.

It's a tense world we're living in today.

You got a president that's threatening
to fight an ex-vice president.

You pay attention to that shit?

It's a couple weeks ago on Twitter.

Donald Trump said that
if he fought Joe Biden,

Joe Biden would go down fast and hard.

I want to get in his ear. I'll be like,
"Let's make this happen, bro."

-There's money on the table.

-I'll commentate for free.

No rules, grow your nails out,
wear a diaper.

-No clothes. To the death.

Fuck it.

Let's bring this thing totally down.

Seems like every day you turn on the news,
more and more crazy shit. When are we going to realize
we shouldn't have a fucking president?

It's a ridiculous idea
to have a popularity contest

to see who controls everything.

Because if you could go back in time

and grab Thomas Jefferson
and bring him to 2018...

his first question would be...

"You guys didn't write any new shit?

-Dude, I wrote that with a feather.

I did it by fire!

That's the only way I could see
what I was writing!

You lazy fucks!

You guys have phones in your pockets
and spaceships!

'But the wisdom of the scroll
shall not be adjusted.'

What the fuck does that even mean?

Who told you that, bro?"

We always like to say, "The long,
great history of the United States."

Listen, that's not real.

The United States was founded in 1776.

People live to be a hundred.

That's three people ago.

You're like, "Is he right?"

Yeah!

The Fear Factor guy just hit you
with a fucking math quiz!

Three people ago!

Listen to me, you're not going
to get this from teachers.

We used to be monkeys,
and we found mushrooms,

and now we're different.
And it's real, real recent.

No one knows what's going on.

Three people ago, slave owners
made boats out of trees,

and used the power of the wind
to drift across the ocean.

They didn't have a YouTube video
to watch first.

They didn't talk to a travel agent.

You know what they had?
A drawing.

-Some guy went there and drew it.

Like, "Are you sure that's what you saw?"

"That's what I saw!
You callin' me a liar?"

And they had a gunfight
in the dirt streets.

They were fucking savages
just three people ago.

They took their baby
and jumped on a boat

and floated across the fucking ocean
with their kids.

Animals. That's us.

It just happened.

Real recent!

"I just never saw Trump coming."

Well, you don't pay attention to trends.

We have a very clear trend
in this country.

We try one person as president,

and the next person has to be
completely opposite.

'Cause no one can do the job correctly.

So we let someone try it
and we're like, "He fucked it up." We go with this guy
who's totally different,

who's got our interests in mind.

And we always do the same thing.

We go right, left, dumb, smart.
We give everybody a chance.

-We go Clinton, Bush.

Then we go Bush, Obama.

Obama, Trump.

We just got out
of a long-term relationship

with a very boring but sensible person,

and now we're dating a whore.

All right?

She's got fake hair.

She's racist.

She's always lying.

We don't care!

We're not trying to start a family,

we just want to run red lights
and fuck.

For real. We don't know what we're doing.

If this country was a person, we'd be
on coke, driving a yellow Corvette,

singing Mötley Crüe songs
in front of our ex's house.

-We're going crazy!

"Well, it would have been so much better
if Hillary won."

-"Oh, we got so close!"

"Oh! We almost had a woman!"

Oh, girls, relax.

I think a woman can be president.

But let's not use a lying old lady
who faints a lot.

I think you can do better.

It's not that I don't think a woman
can be president.

I'm fucking sure a woman can fuck it up
just as bad as the men that fucked it up.

No one's going to do it right.

But if Hillary Clinton was my own mom,
I'd be like, "Mom!

You can't be president.

You can't stand up fast."

"I'll show you!

One ring to rule them all..."

"Oh, you're sexist! I see, you're sexist!

As well as short.

You're fucking sexist!"

Ugh! Defuse my point of view.

I am sexist.

But I'm sexist against men.

I decided during this whole
Harvey Weinstein thing.

This is why.

That's when I realized I was...

I had some suspicions...

that I might be sexist before that.

That's when I really decided.

'Cause what Harvey Weinstein did,
it was fucking terrible.

Can you imagine being an actress?

You gotta fuck that guy
in order to make it. Like, ugh.

What a horrible choice.
Like, what a terrible position to be in!

"This is the only way?" That sucks.
That's fucking... That's criminal.

I think that guy's a piece of shit.
I think he should be punished.

-But!

If he had done the exact same thing
to men,

I wouldn't give a fuck.

I wouldn't even be slightly upset.

If I was reading the morning paper
and I read a story

about a bunch of dudes who let
Harvey Weinstein fuck 'em...

-so they could be in superhero movies...

I'd read that, I'd go, "Ha-ha!"

What else?

What else is happening?

-I wouldn't be clamoring for justice.
Woo!

If Harvey Weinstein was a woman
who looked like Harvey Weinstein...

and she did the exact same shit to men,
my only question would be, "Hey!

How bad you want to be Batman?

How long is it going to take, bro?

You could wait tables in this town
for 20 years and never catch a break.

Or you give the nice lady what she wants.

Jude Law is in the waiting room
and he's wearing a lobster bib.

-You tell me...

if you want to be a winner.

They don't fucking give
Ferraris away, son!

They make 'em by hand."

If Harvey Weinstein propositioned
my daughter

and offered her a movie role
in exchange for sex,

I, like every other parent in this room,
would want to fuck him up.

But if Harvina Weinstein...

came to my son with a solid contract...

I'd be like,
"Dude, you're gonna be Batman.

Yes, you are.

Hey, no crying!
Batman doesn't cry! Come on!"

"Your own son"

Jaaaaa.

What's the worst thing that can happen?

It'd be a harder job.

It'd be hard to please Harvina.

Right?

Rich old lady, it's probably real hard
to make 'em come.

You gotta make eye contact,
you gotta lock in with them.

They got to know
you're involved in this project.

Right? Rich old ladies are probably
super skeptical.

Look. Always, always maintain eye contact.

That wouldn't be the hard part.

The hard part is,
when you go down on Harvina,

she likes to rest her fat gut
on your forehead.

And the sweat!
The sweat gets in your eyes!

And it stings like sunscreen!

But you gotta keep 'em open
'cause you want a Ferrari! Aah! Aah!

Nobody cares.

Nobody cares about boys
that have to eat pussy. No one cares.

We're all sexist against men.

No one cares. No one feels bad.

"How'd you get that car?"
"Man, I had to eat pussy for it."

"You gonna be okay?"

Feel bad for you.

Look, I get it. Men are gross, ladies.
I'm on your side.

My favorite example of the difference

between the way men and women are treated
was always old school Fox News.

I used to watch it without the sound on,

so it's almost like watching
a wildlife program,

just watch them move around.

I was watching it once
and Megyn Kelly was on,

and she was on with Bill O'Reilly.
They were right next to each other,

so I assumed they were
in the same climate.

But Bill O'Reilly was dressed
like there was a chill in the air.

He had a jacket on, a shirt,
a tie, and pants.

And Megyn Kelly was wearing

what would best be described
as a vagina curtain.

Not a good curtain either.

Not like one of those Vegas curtains
that lets you sleep in late. No, no, no.

No, this curtain is like that curtain
that sits over Grandma's kitchen sink.

Kind of flutters in the breeze.
You could always see the yard.

You know that one?

And Megyn Kelly's on TV
with smooth, slippery skin

that doesn't exist in nature
outside the dolphin community.

You'd see her toes.

You'd see her feet and her toes.

She could just kick off her shoes
and there's a Dorito-sized piece of cloth

keeping you from the greatest show
on earth.

And it's right there.

She knows it's right there,
you know it's right there

and no one's saying a fucking word.

And if she disagrees with you, she'll
adjust the curtain and switch her legs.

Hmm.

-Hmm.

Nobody says nothing.

If I was talking to a dude...

and he didn't have any pants on...

and he kept switching his legs
back and forth...

I'd be like, "Hey, man.Are we cool?

Where the fuck
are the rest of your clothes?

Why you so itchy?
Where'd you get those shoes?"

No one says shit

while Megyn Kelly's over there trying
to start a fake tan fire in her pussy.

It's weird. I'm not saying there's
anything wrong with it, but it's weird.

She doesn't have any sleeves on.
Where are your sleeves?

That's not weird? It's not weird,

it's strange.

"I want you to respect me."

I want to respect you, but you're
half-naked and I want to fuck you,

so I'm confused. I don't know what to do.

I'm thinking of saying anything you want.

Whatever you want me to say, I'll say it.
I want you to like me more.

That's the problem with a woman
that's that beautiful and super smart.

You know she's smarter than you.
She's a lawyer.

She never says "um,"
she's smart as fuck.

And she's really, really, really pretty,
and she doesn't have a lot of clothes on.

You won't tell her to go fuck herself.
You've to be super secure to do that.

And you can see some of her tit.

That's weird, right?

If I came here like this, you'd be like,
"Joe, what the fuck are you doing, man?"

Right, but if Megyn Kelly's on TV,
"Oh, she's just got a cute shirt on.

It's just cute. It's cute."

You could see some tit.

You could see some middle tit.

You might even see some side tit
if you catch...

if she's pointing at something,
she might just...

"I didn't even know you were looking at
my side tit." She'll just pretend.

But long as you don't show
the dirty, dirty dark skin.

There it is!

The sensitive, forbidden skin!
Put it away!

It's not for strangers!

That's fucking strange, ladies.

Listen, don't listen to me. I'm a moron.

Wear what you're wearing,
it looks great, but it's weird.

You can show some of a sex organ.

What if that was the case with dudes?

What if we had a window in our pants,
we could just see the shaft?

Right? Just the shaft.

You can't see the head of my dick,
I'm not a creep.

Okay? Just a little side dick.

You have cleavage, we have tubage,
it's no big deal. It's whatever.

Just showing a little tubage.
Why do I dress like that?

To look cute for my friends. Okay? God!

You're so fucking jealous.

I need to get a sip of water.
Excuse me for a moment here.

I probably should've taken this onstage
with me, but I'm trying to be cool.

That's that cotton mouth, son.

Woo!

Yeah, you guys are legal now.

I grew up here. We used to hide
in the bushes and smoke weed.

Ridiculous. Hiding from cops
that are now getting high.

Going, "What do I do to all those
fucking kids? Hoo-hoo-hoo."

The real problem is the laws.

And Massachusetts finally has good laws.

-We'll be able to understand...

what pot actually is.

Florida's got the craziest laws,

'cause Florida's trying to protect
their pain pill industry.

So in Florida, they make it so illegal,

this is one of the things they do
in Florida: they hire undercover cops

to pretend to be high school students.

Specifically a hot woman.

They hired a 25-year-old hot woman

to pretend to be a high school student,

flirt with boys,

get those boys to sell her weed,

and then arrest them.

I don't like to use the word "cunt."

When I use it,
I want it to mean something.

That's a cunt. That lady's a piece of...
fucking human garbage.

-You fucking asshole. Here's the thing.

Not only is it not fair,

that is one of the most sexist stories
you'll ever hear.

Here's why it's sexist.
It's sexist against boys. Here's why.

You could never imagine that story
if the genders were reversed.

If you found out that a 25-year-old man
was throwing dick

at your 17-year-old daughter,

and he talked her into selling him weed,

and then he arrested her,

we would light that motherfucker
on fire in the street. Right?

But if it was my own son
who got arrested by that cop,

Tell me what happened.

Record
You got a story, dude. You got a...

You're the first guy ever
to get arrested by an undercover cop

you thought was his girlfriend.

That's a fucking hell of a story."

Some people are, like,
hard asses about it like, "Shoulda known better.
He's almost 18."

Yeah, but he's almost 16 too.

Which is almost 15.
That's like a little kid.

Do you remember what you were like
when you were 17?

You didn't know
what the fuck was going on.

And this kid wasn't even a drug dealer.

This kid, it's not like he got caught.
No, this kid was a straight-A student

that thought he was getting pot
for his girlfriend.

He even tried to give it to her.
She wouldn't accept it.

She wanted to give him money,
so she could arrest him.

But he had to know,
he was a smart kid.

He had to know.
He had to know something was off.

'Cause here's what it's like:

a 25-year-old woman is not the same
as a 17-year-old girl.

They look similar,
but they're not the same.

Here's what it's like: I had this dog once
that I got from the pound.

You know how you get a dog...

"Are you comparing women to dogs?"
No!

You'll see.

The dog, she was a sweetheart
of a dog,

but she had been the pound too long,
she was real sketchy.

And I would bring her around other dogs,

and, like, when a dog has been
in the pound,

like, every other dog they think
is going to take their food

or take their bed.
So I take it to the dog park,

and she'd see dogs and go,
"Fuck off! Fuck off!"

And every dog would be like,
"Whoa, Jesus."

That's how she acted with every single dog
till one day,

one day I brought her to the dog park

and somebody brought a wolf.

Some fucking hippie asshole
with wooden beads on, wearing sandals,

this motherfucker brought a thing
that eats dogs

into a cage filled with dogs!

My dog looked at that wolf
and looked at me and went,

"That's not a fucking dog!

Aah!"

She knew.
I don't know how she knew.

She didn't grow up in Alaska.

She wasn't a Montana dog.
How the fuck did she know?

But she knew.

Somehow.

Somehow.

That had to be what it was like
when that 17-year-old boy

was around that 25-year-old woman.

Like, "Um, where'd you go to school?

Hmm?"

She's like touching him.

'Cause 17-year-old girls don't sound
anything like 25-year-old women.

You ever talk to a 17

They don't know
what the fuck they're saying.

They're basically just practicing talking.

They've only been talking
for, like, a few years.

They don't know
how to make shit sound good.

They're like, "Have you heard
the new Drake song? It's so fire!"

You're like...

Argh! What the fuck did you do to my ears?

Meanwhile the 25-year-old cop's like,
"Let's go back to my house,

smoke some pot,

and snuggle."

That kid's like...

"You have a house?

"

Your dumb friends are like,
"She saves, bro.

My cousin did it,
my cousin bought a house."

Kids are always lying.
17-year-old kids.

"Yeah, my cousin bought three houses
by the time he was four."

What

Seventeen. "You should know better."
You know how crazy that is to say?

That is a short amount of time
on this planet, seventeen years old.

And it's a confusing time.

Maybe one of the most
confusing times ever for a boy,

because your life is a certain way
for 13 years,

and then you start getting
uncontrollable boners

right around 13 years in.

For 13 years you think you got
life mapped out.

"I get life, you do what you want,
you kind of have a good time.

You ride your bike
and you play your games,

hang out with your buddies."

And then suddenly two years later
you're waking up going,

"What do you want from me?"

And your dick's like...

Every day.

Every day. Confusion. "Do I love you?"

"What are you gonna do for a living, bro?"
Another thing you get when you're 17.

"What are you gonna do?
You're almost a man. Be a loser?"

"I don't know."

And then you see,
you see around you all these people

that are chasing bullshit.

Material possessions and nonsense lives,

doing things they hate
and getting stuck in a rut.

You don't want it to be you
and you don't know how to get out of that.

And everybody's confused
and everybody's like,

"Bro, what are you gonna do for a living?"
I don't know!

I don't know.

Just get together with your friends
and try to figure life out.

Unwind, hang out, smoke a little joint.

Like, 'Dude...

I think my girlfriend's a cop."

I'm like, "Dude, you're paranoid.

Trust me, it's the weed. There's no way."

Meanwhile, he was right.

Poor little fuck. Nobody cares.

'Cause nobody cares about boys.

Why? Listen, don't "aw." It's okay.

We're running shit.

It's the balance of power.
Look, it's... it's all for good.

So much tension.

'Cause, like,
this is a new time for jokes too,

because everything I say
on this Netflix special

is going to get me in trouble,
but I... I knew coming in.

But I want to explain to people
if they're mad at me.

Talk to me offstage,
I'm super reasonable.

But I say shit I don't mean
'cause it's funny.

Like, people should get that
but they don't get that, not in 2018.

Everybody wants to write it down
and make it literal.

"This is exactly what he said,
here's a quote."

"Oh, hate! Let's end the hate! Enh!"

And people are way more sensitive now.

Because of the Internet,
everybody has an opinion

and they can all express it,

when that's not really necessary
for some folk. Some folks, their opinion's not that good.

They should... keep it to themselves.

But today, anybody can express opinions.

I've gotten death threats for shit
I don't even remember saying.

Like, I did a podcast
with Tony Hinchcliffe,

and apparently I said
I thought pro wrestling was gay.

-I don't even remember saying it.

But I got off the podcast

and I checked my Twitter,

and the fucking hurricane

of misspelled hate messages
that came my way.

I was like, "Aah!"

What have I done?

I didn't even mean what I said.

It was just a funny thing to say
in that moment 'cause he's so into it.

I'm like, "It's gay." It's funny to say!

"No, it's not ever funny to say."
Well, you don't hang out with my friends.

So I don't know what the fuck to tell you.

"Well, you're a homophobic piece of shit!
I wouldn't hang out with your friends!"

That's not true.

Here's where you're wrong. I...

'Cause people tell you
that you shouldn't say something's gay.

But I love gay people.

I've no problem with gay people.
I'm happy they're a real thing.

I really am. I like it, mix it up.
Who gives a shit?

So if you don't like me
calling things gay,

then what word would you like me
to use to describe gay shit?

What are we doing here, man?

There's certain noises we can't make
with our face anymore?

You know, I think the same fucking thing,
right?

Gay's not negative. It's just gay.
Okay?

There's certain things...

There's certain things that are gay
that have nothing to do with men

having sex with each other.

Like musicals.

No one knows why.

They're just gay.

Men wearing pearls, gay as fuck.

It's not a negative.

And I don't really hate pro wrestling.

I was just talking shit.

Like, when I was a kid,
I loved Jimmy "The Superfly" Snuka,

and Bob Backlund, and Hulk Hogan,
and I love The Rock.

I go to his Twitter page every day
for inspiration.

And who's not a fan of Ric Flair?

Woo!

-We didn't rehearse that!

You knew what to do!

That man has an exuberant noise attached
to his name.

That's one of the most American things
of all time.

Right?

I was just talking shit.
That's all it was.

So Tony goes, "Listen, if you just
watch pro wrestling with me,

you'll love it, and you'll become a fan."

I'm like, "All right, dude.

Turn it on."

He turns it on!

I see a guy with shaved legs,
wearing Speedos,

with knee-high leather boots on,

and he's holding another guy down.

But not really.

The guy's like, "I can't even get up."

And the guy he's holding down
is wearing a leather mask!

-I'm like, "What the fuck, Tony!

Have you watched this
with a critical eye?"

I'm not saying it's gay.

But let's just be honest.

Everywhere else on the planet,

other than that ring...

Everywhere else on Earth,

when a dude shows up shirtless,

wearing a leather mask and Speedos...

he's there to suck dicks.

Okay?

-Period.

I don't care what you tell the cops.

That guy knew
what the fuck he was doing.

So there's going to be people mad at me
for that, but I just want you to know,

for a bunch of things.
Here's what's really important.

And I can't believe you've to do this,
but in 2018 you've to do this.

You've to say a joke and then you go,

"Hey, that's not..."
This is what I really feel.

This... this is what I really feel.

There's nothing wrong...
I don't want anybody thinking I'm a bigot.

There's nothing wrong with being gay,
nothing,

and there's nothing wrong
with being a fan of pro wrestling.

But it's the same thing.

To me.

I respect both of them.
I think both of them are amazing.

I'm super happy.

I've had some other death threats
this year.

I, uh...
...put a poster up,

put a picture up on Instagram
of some deer meat,

and I wrote, "This is some meat
from a deer

that liked to kick babies
and was about to join ISIS."

I was feeling real good about that post.

Then I got cocky and I wrote hashtag
#vegan and that's where I fucked up.

Ooh! That wasn't worth it.

That didn't feel good.

Oh! The hate, the anger!

Never in my life

have I encountered such a ruthless,

vicious group of kind,
compassionate people...

as I have in that fucking hashtag
#vegan group.

These vegans that are vegans
for good reasons, folks,

but the problem with vegans

is the problem with every single group
of human beings.

If you get a group of 100 people,
just pick a random 100 people,

what are the odds that one of them
is a fucking idiot?

It's 100%.

We nerf all the sharp edges in this world
and we let dummies survive.

There's no wolves
running through our streets.

It's 100% that one out of 100
is a fucking idiot.

Some of those are vegans,
and this is how it works:

if you got a group and you don't have
to take a test to get in there,

some of them are in there
for the right reasons.

Most vegans are vegans
'cause they're kind people.

They don't want anything to die
so they can live.

And those people are heroes,
'cause they're always tired,

they're cranky,
their health's all fucked up.

They're doing it
for all the right reasons.

But then there's vegans
who are really only vegans

'cause Scientology didn't find them first.

You know.

Everybody knows certain vegans

that would have joined the Taliban
if they took the wrong flight, all right?

They're fucking dipshits.

Those guys always have "vegan"
in their name.

It's always like "vegan warrior."

They just start eating plants
and start talking shit.

They joined a gang.

It's a plant-based gang.

I don't argue with these people but I do

when they say something
totally crazy to me.

I will check their profile,

see what they're interested in.

And this one lady said something
really fucked up.

She wrote me, she goes,

"I hope animals eat your children
in front of you.

I hope everyone you know gets cancer.

I hope you die in your mother's arms."

And I'm like, "Well.

What's this healthy lady up to?"

So I go...

I go to her fucking page.

She has a bunch of hashtags, right?

Normal ones like hashtag #vegan,
hashtag #crueltyfree,

and then I seen one
that I've never seen before.

It says hashtag #vegancat.

I check my watch.

It's 1:00 in the morning, I'm like,
"Fuck, do I click this?"

I'm like, "I should just go to bed, right?
I should just go to sleep.

I shouldn't do this.

I should have some herbal tea
and read a book."

And there's the other part of your brain
like, "Shut up, pussy. Click it. Come on!

Come on!"
I always listen to that part.

That's the secret to my success,
I always listen...

"Come on, pussy! Come on!"

I click it.

I'm hoping... This is what I'm hoping.

I'm hoping hashtag #vegancat...

I'm hoping what that is
is, like, a support group.

Right?

Like, we all have friends
that are vegans that also have cats.

You go over to their house and
you're like, "So why are you vegan again?"

"Well, I just don't think it's our right
to decide that an animal should live or die."

And then they open up
a fat can of murder

and give it to that little fucking
psychopath that they live with.

And you're like, "Hey.

Hey, man. What's in that fucking can?

What are you doing?"

"Well, he's a carnivore
but I'm an herbivore."

If you are a vegan with a pet cat,

that's like being a doctor
with a pet vampire.

-Pick a team, fuck face.

What are you doing?

You live with a murderer! Okay?

If you love animals, just shoot
that cat right in the fucking head.

That thing eats 200 animals a year.

That is what I was hoping.

That's what I was hoping
hashtag #vegancat meant.

Oh! But no.

No.

#vegancat is a whole fucking community
of people

who think it's a good idea
to feed your cat salad.

Now,

before I go any further,

it's very important that I be
completely truthful to you,

'cause people call you out all the time.
It's always some guy. "Actually...

Actually you can feed your cat
a vegan diet."

They do that little cunt nod.
You know that thing that people do?

They tell you something and then...

Oh, is that the worst?

Even if they're right, you're like,
"Fuck you and your facts.

This fucking face thing you're doing."

But he's right.

You can...

feed your cat a vegan diet

if you don't mind them going blind...
and dying young.

"Is he serious?"
Yeah, I'm fucking serious.

You will, after this show,
go on your phone

and check out hashtag #vegancat,

and you will be treated
to a collection of pets

that look like they live in a house
with a gas leak.

Every fucking cat is like,
"When is the real food coming?

What the fuck is..."
They're all lying down! I'm not joking!

Every fucking cat.
You're gonna go, "He's right!"

They're all lying down! All of 'em!

And they die young! Really fucking young!

They take pictures, these fucking psychos.

"RIP Tabby!
We had five amazing years together!"

The cat's eyes are milky,
its legs are stiff. It's like...

"What is this lady feeding me?

Where's the real food, bitch?"

It's a cat! You got to feed it cat food!

"Hashtag #crueltyfree."

Tell that to your blind, dead cat,
you fucking crazy asshole!

It doesn't want to eat mashed potatoes!

It makes us uncomfortable that something
would want to kill something

because what if someone wants to kill us?
I don't want that. That's what it is.

It's just weird panic that we have
about our own mortality.

But it's a real simple system.

If this comes up in an argument,
feel free to use this.

This is how it works:

Green shit grows out of the ground,

dumb shit eats the green shit,

mean shit kills the dumb shit.

That's your cat.

That's why you don't have to hack your way
through a river of bunny rabbits

to get your fucking Prius every morning.
Okay?

You can't feed that thing cranberries.

"We went to see Joe Rogan
and he hates gays and cats.

I am currently blogging about it."

None of this is true.
I love gay people and I have cats,

and my cats are fluffy, which is gay.

I have gay things that I love.

I listened to Miley Cyrus music
right before I got onstage tonight.

There's plenty of gay things I love.

I have those fluffy, those Monsanto,
GMO cats. You ever see those cats?

Like, how the fuck
did that turn into that?

You see a cat in a tundra
and then you see my fucking thing.

They're called Ragdolls because,
like... I don't know you, ma'am,

but if you came to my house,
you could scoop that cat up,

they wouldn't get nervous.
"Who's this crazy lady?"

They wouldn't... Anybody could just pick
one of those cats up

and put it on their shoulder,
and they'd just go limp.

'Cause I have a seven-year-old daughter.

My daughter just scoops that cat up
like a sandbag in a CrossFit class,

and she's barely got this fucking cat,

and they just limp.

Purring away.

So happy to be touched.

They have almost no instincts. Almost.

Almost!

'Cause those little fuckers
will sit in front of the window.

And they see a squirrel across the street,

their eyes lock on that squirrel,

and they start making these
involuntary mouth noises like...

You ever see your cat do that?
It's so fucking creepy!

They don't even know you're there.

You can get right next to them, like,
"What the fuck are you doing, man?"

They don't even look at you.

I've had that cat since it was a baby.

It's never been outside.

Three-year-old cat, never been outside.

And he sees those squirrels
across the street and he's like...

"I remember.

I remember the old way."

How the fuck does that DNA
get into that cat?

He's not looking at that squirrel like,

"That's my little friend
across the street. I'd like to meet him!"

No, it's like,
"Ah! Your neck is right there."

That's crazy.

That's some crazy, murderous DNA.

That's like if you had
a science experiment

where you had a man in captivity,
and you never showed him a woman ever,

until he was full grown,

and then you show him a naked one
through prison glass.

And as soon as he sees her,
he goes, "Time to fuck!

Time... time to fucking fuck!"

Dudes come over with clipboards.
"How do you know?

How do you know what to do?"
"I know what I know, bro!

I know when it's fuck time!
It's fuckety fuckin'!"

That's what it's like for that cat.

How the fuck does that cat know
what to do?

Explain that to me, science.

Cats kill everything they can.

Dogs will keep it together.

If you've a good dog,
a good dog will keep it together.

Like, you could could have a pet dog
and a pet hamster,

and that pet hamster,
if you got a good dog,

that pet hamster could live a long life.

But you got a pet cat and a pet hamster,

that hamster's got an hour to live.

And that's just 'cause your cat's
going to torture it for 59 minutes.

That poor little fucker's like,
"I think he's done!

Finally it's gonna let me get away
and I'm just gonna be free!"

And the cat's like,
"Not today, motherfucker.

Not today. You just stick the fuck down."

It's what they do.

You can't feed 'em apples.
It's what they do.

Dogs care.

You can put a hamster on the floor
in a room with a good dog.

A good dog will look at you,
look at the hamster.

Look at you, look at the hamster.

He'd be like, "Um...

"

"No! That's Mr. Fluffers!

Mr. Fluffers is the newest member
of our family!"

The dog just starts calculating,
like, "Okay, okay.

Okay, okay. I like free food.

These people are nice to me. Okay.

That's a fucking rat, dude.
That's a rat!

Okay. Okay.

Okay, family. Yeah. Family, family!"

You can tell, though, when that dog's
not totally on board,

they just get a little too close
to that hamster like,

"Ooh! I was gonna fuck you up."

But a cat, you don't have a chance.

Cats, they will make Exorcist noises.

You can try to hold your cat in a room
with a hamster, your cat starts going...

He's letting you know, "Bitch,

I'm about to claw your fucking eyes out!
You'll never see your kids again!"

They don't care how long
you been feeding them.

They don't care about your history
of free massages.

"There's a rat on the floor!
If you let me go, I can kill the rat!"

And people keep those things as pets.
That's what's so fucked up.

Imagine if your kid did that,
a kid that you couldn't have in a room

with something smaller than him,
he's like, "Gotta kill, Mommy!

Murder! Kill!"

Like, "Junior, sit down!"

"No! Fuck you!

Death!"

"Well, we just can't have a pet cat,
'cause Junior breaks the cat's neck.

He's crazy. I don't know what to do."

We just accept the fact
this fucking cat's a murderer.

Can't feed that thing cranberries,
you crazy bitch.

Okay? You're the monster.

Dogs feel bad when they kill things too
if you're mad.

Like if your dog kills a hamster
and you're like, "How could you!"

"How could I?

Shit! Did I do that?

Damn it!"

"I'm so disappointed in you."

"I'm disappointed in myself!

They walk to you sideways.
"I fucked up, dude. Fucking seriously."

But your cat,
the cat doesn't feel remotely bad.

Your cat kills something,
you're like, "How could you?"

-He's like, "Bitch, you know me."

He'll walk away slow
with his tail in the air

so you can see his asshole.

They don't care. You scream at him.
"You're a monster!"

They pull their ears back.
Like, "Why you so loud?"

And just lie down right in front of you
and lick their own dick.

"How about you just shut the fuck up
while I lick my dick?"

They don't care.

They don't care about you.

Cats know when you're high too.

They seem to know, you're vulnerable.

Dogs don't have a clue.

You come home high, your dog's like,
"You're extra friendly today!"

If I'm watching Black Mirror
at 1:00 in the morning,

my cat will, like, sit down
next to me and be like...

"

Creepy little fuckers.

Something...

something spooky about predators,
living with a little predator.

You know?

I think it's good for us.

I think it's good for us to be nervous.

I really do.

I think we all need Jesus.

I grew up... I was raised Catholic
for a little while,

and then I wised up
when I was about seven.

-And, um...

Since then, I was like, that discipline
is probably pretty good for people.

One of the things that gets me about, um,
people that are really into Jesus is that

you're supposed to think
that Jesus is going to return.

But if he did, you'd never believe it.

Right?

Like, nobody believes new miracles.

If someone came up to you and go,
"Yo, dude. You gotta meet my cousin.

He was dead for three days
and he came back to life

and he hangs out with hookers,

but he don't fuck 'em,
he only gives 'em advice.

Want me to give him your number?"

You'd be like,
"Yeah, sounds like a good idea.

I want to talk to him forever.

He sounds totally legit."

No, we only like old miracles.

But I think there's a new miracle
that we might have missed,

and I'm going to tell you this story.

There was a woman who was born in Africa,
she had a birth defect.

She was born without a vagina.

Grew to be a full grown woman,
she had no other problems.

Grew to be a full grown woman,

gave a guy a blowjob,
and then got into a knife fight.

The knife went through her stomach,

the sperm hitched the ride
on the blade,

and landed on her eggs.

She got pregnant.

Nine months later, by cesarean section,

they open her up like a sleeping bag
and pull out a normal kid.

That's a real fucking story.

You're like, "The Fear Factor guy
just makes shit up

to make his stupid fucking jokes work.

That's why they took our phones away,
so we can't call him out on his bullshit."

No, I'm telling you a true story.

Y'all don't yell. It's true.

A woman without a vagina gave birth
to a kid.

Now...

here's my question. Isn't that a miracle?

That seems like a miracle.

Like, if you...

People that believe in Jesus,

you're supposed to believe
he's going to come back.

But if he's going to come back,

do you think he'd come back
looking like Jesus?

Wouldn't that be super obvious?

We'd see him coming.
We'd see the robe

and the beard, like,
"Dude, that's Jesus. Hold my hand."

♪ Kumbaya my Lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

"Oh! Hi, Jesus.
We didn't even know you were coming.

-This is what we do."

Jesus'd be like,
"Hmm, I don't know."

I think if is Jesus is going to return

and find out what we've really been up to,

he's going to return as
the miracle-blowjob knife-fight baby.

And we'd never even see it coming,

'cause we're not looking for it.

That kid's got to go to school.

Other kids are going
to ask questions... right?

You remember what childhood was like.
Kids are fucking brutal.

Everybody's insecure,

so they try to find someone
more insecure than them

and fuck with 'em.

I had a good childhood,
but it was weird.

And it was weird because my parents
split up when I was young,

and then my mom lived
with my stepdad for a few years

before they got married,
and we moved a lot.

It wasn't bad, but it was...

Kids would ask questions like,
"Hey, man, is that your dad?"

"No, it's my mom's... boyfriend."

"Oh, so it's a dude who fucks your mom?"

"Hey, man, I'm eight.

What about your parents?"

"Dude, Dude!

My parents have been married
since high school.

The first time my mom and dad
ever had sex,

my mom got pregnant with me.

Bro...

my dad cries a lot.

He just cries!

He'll just fall down and start crying.

We ignore him now.

No one cares.

Step over him, pass the peas.
We don't give a shit.

This poor fucker's just weeping
on the ground.

Life isn't a movie, man.

I never saw that in a movie.

Life's not a fucking movie, dude.
Life is hard."

"Yeah, man.

Yeah, dude, life is hard, dude.

It really is. It's fucking hard.

What's your story, Mutombo?"

"Oh, you know!

Same old story.

Mom ain't got no vagina.

Suck a dick, get stabbed.

Here I am.

You know, could be worse.
Hashtag #blessed."

From the humblest of beginnings,

he'd be around us as we judged him.

Change our ways.

We should change our ways.

The first thing we gotta do
is stop doing this.

You know what that is?

That's the symbol of the cross
where Jesus was murdered.

We got to stop doing this.

Start doing this.

Love... and life.

Love and life, brothers and sisters.

Don't get mad at me!
You knew why you came here!

You get mad. We're a fucking hour in.

If you're mad now... Jesus Christ!

Woo!

"Your point of view is terrible."

-Yeah, it's how I make a living.

I say fucked-up shit.
You don't have the time to think up.

That's all it is.

Listen.

Violence against women isn't funny.

I don't know why you're laughing.
You guys are assholes.

Ass-holes!

"Especially in this day and age.

-Ooh!
Oh! Dangerous time.

Oh!"

My own mom said this to me.
She goes...

"I just wish
that Hillary Clinton was president,

because I think it's about time

a woman does the most important job
in the world."

Okay.

I'm like, "Yeah, but you already make
all the people."

-Like...

I'm not saying, ladies,
that that's the only thing you can do.

You make all the humans.

That's a big fucking deal.

There's seven billion people
on the planet.

All of them came out of a woman's body.

If babies came out of dude's dicks,
there'd be six of us.

An abortion would be an app
on your phone.

All right?

It'd be snowing out,
you'd pull your phone out,

"Fuck this kid.

I'm not shoveling snow
and breastfeeding."

How about that, ladies?
You make food with your tits!

You know how goddamn crazy that is?

You make the most nutritious
baby food known to man,

with your tits,
while you're doing other shit.

'Cause no one's giving you
enough credit for it,

because so many of you can do it.
That's the problem.

Almost every woman can make people.
That's the problem.

If only one lady did it,

one giant bitch
that lived in the middle of the city...

She had a huge, clear abdomen

with all our children floating around
inside of it.

We'd bring her food and blessings.

That's just as weird as a baby
coming out of a person.

We're just used to our weird.

But if that was the way you did it
and someone just said,

"I'm making my own people. Look."
You'd be like, "Aah!"

If people didn't come out of people
and then they started,

we would freak the fuck out.

We'd be like, "What's next?"

No, the problem with the thing is,

when you... childbirth, you have to be
in the room to really understand it.

It's not like a thing you watch
in a video and go, "Oh, I get it."

You think you get it,

but you never get to see the kid
unless it's yours.

No one lets you watch.

Your friends never let you watch.

Even my sister wouldn't let me watch.

I go, "What do you think?
I'm gonna get horny and fuck you? Come on!

Let me see the kid!

I want to see my nephew."

Nobody lets you in. Nobody.

It's got to be your kid.

By then it's too late.

'Cause you see the kid come out,
you're like, "Oh!

Oh, okay."

And then you start thinking,
"How often is this happening?

This is happening right now
all over the world!"

But you don't get to see it.

There's a website you can go to
where you can see the actual numbers.

You can see every time a baby
is registered as being born.

There's like a world population number
and that number is like this....

It's just fucking spinning.

It's not sustainable.

It's not like, "Well, we gained
a few people, we lost a few people.

Keeping a healthy balance
here on Earth."

No, it's just people shooting loads
into each other, just fucking...

Eating food and coming
in each other.

You just don't see it.
But if there was a place you could see it,

like if there was a giant
drive-thru movie screen,

and it was every baby coming out
of every vagina

in real-time all over the world,
you'd be like,

"It's a fucking invasion!"

You'd be like,
"Oh my God, now I get it!

The vagina is a portal
to another dimension.

It's like a well of souls
and they're coming through

with pleasure and love and confusing us!

And then they grow up
and they do whatever the fuck they want!

This is how culture gets shaped!

From aliens from another dimension!"

Ladies...

you do that.

You make people.

You make all the people.

And you want to be president too?
You fucking greedy bitches. Jesus Christ!

What else do you want?
You want bigger dicks than us?

You want all the money?

If I was a woman,
I'd definitely be a feminist. 100%.

Men are bigger,
they make more money,

they always try to fuck you,
they lie to you.

That's too many things.

It's too many. It's not balanced.

I get it, ladies.

You know what I don't get?

Men's rights activists.

Every one I've ever met,
I want to go, "Dude,

we got all the rights.

We got 'em all."

Fucking relax! The problem is,

guys that are clamoring for,
"What about men's rights?"

They're going to pay attention
to what we do.

This is the thing.

If girls start doing an audit
of what men do versus what women do,

it's a big fucking difference.

Men cause all war.

That is somehow or another
some weird fact that slipped us by.

Can you imagine if women caused
all the war?

How long would it take
before we were like,

"Yo, we got to kill these
fucking crazy bitches.

Dude,

I came home, the girls are in the backyard
making a plane

to fly over the ocean
and fuck people up they never met.

These bitches are bloodthirsty.

They never want to stay put,
constantly conquering new ground,

stealing people's oil."

Can you imagine?

"What about men's rights?"
Shut the fuck up. Stop.

Men cause most of the murder.

Men cause most of the rape.

A guy stops me.

"Actually, here's a statistic
you're probably not aware of.

But men actually get raped
more than women."

Yeah, by other men, you fucking dipshit!

-Jesus Christ!

You're making my point for me,
you stupid fuck.

What did you think was happening?

When you heard that number you're like,
"No more investigations needed.

Clearly there's packs of cheerleaders
out there raping soldiers.

We got to put a stop to it."

No, men are so gross,
we fuck each other.

See, I say that and no one gets mad.

No men are like, "Bro, you're fucking
generalizing massively.

It's such a douchebag move
to just criticize an entire gender."

Men don't care, 'cause I'm one of you,
and you know.

Like if I say guys jerk off
to basketball games, you're like,

-"Some of us.

For sure."

Right? But if I say anything

even remotely critical about women,

people will get really mad.

Watch.

Ladies, I love you.

You're some of my favorite people.

But let's be honest,

you don't invent a lot of shit.

Ooh! Feel that?

Yeah!

That's some ride-home arguments
in the air.

Right? You can feel the tension.
"No, you were laughing. It's not funny.

You were fucking laughing! It's sexist!

No, he makes fun of men first

so he can make fun of women later,
you fucking moron.

Oh my God, you don't even know comedy.
You don't even know what you like.

Drop me off.
Just fucking drop me off.

Just... drop me off."

But you know I'm right.
Here's what's important about this.

When it comes to inventions,
we're talking about inventions.

Let's be really clear.
I am a fucking moron.

Okay? I've never invented shit.

And I'm guessing
you're probably pretty dumb too,

which is why you're here
listening to me talk.

-Okay, let's just be honest.

We're not talking about us.

We're talking about inventors.

Okay, it's not us.

Why do we have to be on Team Penis
versus Team Vagina on this one?

It's crazy.

The men and the women in this room,
we have more in common with each other

than we do with those
fucking freaks out there

inventing all the shit we need
to make our life awesome.

Okay?

But those freaks out there inventing shit

are almost all dudes.

And I don't know why.

But that makes me feel like a winner.

I feel like I won.

I really do. I feel pretty good.

And I'm looking around
at some of you ladies

and you look like losers.

You look like you lost.

You're not even in the contest.
You're like, "Hey!

I don't like this part."

If you'd your phone you'd be like,

"Surely women have invented
a bunch of things."

No, they haven't. I wish they had.

Women invented, like, 40 things ever.

And it was all shit they needed.

A woman invented
the dishwashing machine.

I didn't even write a joke for that. I'll
let you figure out why you're laughing.

Can't call me out on a non-existent
sexist joke.

It's just a fact.

Women invented some
very important things, actually.

Like, no bullshit, all jokes aside,

a woman invented Kevlar,

which is the bulletproof material they use
for first responder vests.

Who knows how many lives were saved
because of one woman's invention?

But!

I bet it was probably a chick
who wanted to shoot her husband...

but she didn't want him to die,

'cause then she'd have to get a job.
She's like, "Hmm.

There's got to be a way

to shoot this motherfucker
and still sleep in."

Again, I'm a fucking moron!
Don't get mad at me!

We're just talking about inventors.

I don't want to leave any
really important women inventors

on the list
who are all way smarter than me, but, like, one of them was Hedy Lamarr,

a gorgeous actress from the 1940s.

She invented spread spectrum technology,

which is how we use GPS
and Wi-Fi today.

This one woman did that.

But she was hot, no one cared.
They were just trying to fuck her.

Nobody paid attention
to anything smart she said.

They had to wait until she died.

They're going through her notes,
like, "Fucking Wi-Fi. Hmm."

Yeah. 'Cause we're gross!
I already told you we're gross.

A woman invented
the first hypodermic needle.

It was one woman's idea of how
to effectively get medication into people.

Who knows how many lives she saved?

One woman's idea was computer coding. One woman.

She invented the computer code.

Without her contribution, who knows?

One person.

Without this one woman's contribution,

who knows where technology would be today?

After that...

big drop off.

I mean, fucking, like a cliff.

The number 11 most impressive invention
by a woman is the chocolate chip cookie.

Again, I'm a fucking idiot.

Way better than anything I'll invent.

But a dude invented the chocolate chip

and a dude invented the cookie, and he probably just wanted
to go to bed.

He was probably like, "You nailed it.
You're an inventor. Goodnight."

She's got her chef's hat on.
"Write it down.

Write it down."

I'll leave you with this
'cause it's uncomfortable but also true.

A man invented the tampon.

Let that soak in.

I had to. That's what you have
to say right there. I know.

But for real,
a tampon is not a good invention.

It's just one of those things
that's been around for a long time,

but it's like a legacy invention.

It seems like a male solution

to a body part he doesn't have

and a problem he doesn't understand.

Like, "What?

What's going on

Aah! Just stuff something up there!"

No woman is ever going to invent a tampon!

A woman would have invent a maxi pad.

Like, "Hey, hey, stupid.
We're not stuffing anything.

We're just going to take this,
put it there, leave it alone.

It will be fine."

"Fuck that!

We're gonna make a cotton dick
and just stuff it up there.

-Get in there."

"What if it gets stuck?"

"I'm going to put a rope on the end of it
and yank it out like a fish."

-Thank you, Boston!

I had a great fucking time!
I love you, people!

For real, it makes me incredibly happy
to be able to do this here.

This is where I started.
You people are the shit and I love you.

Thank you. Thanks for coming.

Thank you!