All language subtitles for In The Army Now 1994 1080p WEB-DL HEVC x265 BONE

[ Man As John Wayne ]
Well, uh,
here'’s lookin' at you,

pilgrim.
[ Man #2 ]
Laughing.

So, Jack, this is good.
What are we
gonna do tonight ?

You know what ?
I was gonna ask you.

Can Gabriella hook
me up with her, uh--
Oh, you know what ?

She'’s got this new friend
she met the other day
at the mall.

Her name is Rosa.
Yeah ?

She'’s Spanish.
Espanol.
Si, si, senor.

But the only thing--
Wow, watch out for that.

The thing is, Rosa,
she'’s kind of dumb.

Watch out for the water !
Water, water ! Aah !

Whoa !

She'’s kinda like,
she'’s kinda like... large.
That'’s good for me.

Bones, look out !
You'’re gonna get killed !

If it'’s too hot for ya, son,
get outta the kitchen.

This is war. No room for the faint of heart.

When you'’re in
the heat of battle,
and you lean down...

and put your hand
in a puddle of goo...

that two seconds before
was your friend'’s face,

that is war, son;
now that is war !

This right here ?
This is just a game.

Look at this road right here.
See that ?
Hop it.

Boom ! Watch this.
Doin'’ great.

That'’s nice.
See how I
just blow those guys ?

Look. Now there'’s
the thing.
Look up ! Look up !

No, on the--
Ooh.

Game over.
You are dead.

[ Laughing ]
Shouldn'’t we
get back to work ?

I'’m working.
Look, I'’m testing out
new products.

What are you so paranoid for,
anyways ? Pretty soonwe'’re gonna have our own store.

Quinn'’s gonna fire your ass
from this place.

Do you think I'’m scared
of that-- What is he ?

He looks like Lurch.
[ Deep Voice ]
Hey, I'’m Quinn.

Are you
afraid of him ?
No.

Bones ?
Quinn'’s lookin' for you.

I told him you were
playin'’ video games.

[ Laughing ]
Hold this, okay ?
I gotta do somethin'’.

Oh, yeah,
you'’re not afraid, huh ?
[ Clucking Like A Chicken ]

[ Panting ]

This is all for you.
See all the money I'’m savin' ?

Wow, Quinn, look at you !
You'’re lookin' fantastic !

Is that a new suit ?
It'’s got to be Armani.

Oh, it'’s J.C. Penney.

At least you wear it well.
Is that Brut I smell ?

What did we say about
leaving the sales floor ?

You told me not to,
and I won'’t.

If this place catches fire,
I'’m sellin' tape decks
to the firemen.

You'’re not selling anything
to anybody !

That'’s why we're
letting you go.
Where ?

Home.
No, no, Quinn.
Hey, you can'’t fire me.

C'’mon ! I'm a Crazy Boy !
I'’m a dedicated Crazy Boy.

Bones, let'’s not
drag this out.
Quinn, look.
C'’mon. Please.

My rent'’s due.
My mom needs another
tummy tuck. Please.

No, Bones.
No, not this time.
Please,
there'’s a lot of personal--

Please don'’t
let me go, Quinn.
I could be crazier.

Let go of my leg !

I could be totally insane !
[ Crows Like A Rooster ]

Bones, let go of my leg.
[ P.A. System ] Bones,
you have a customer waiting.

You'’ll have
to excuse me, Mr. Quinn.
I have a customer,

a customer who evidently
asked for me by name.

Hi ! May I
help you, miss ?
Yes.

You sold me
this Watchman last week,
and I have to return it.

I knew you'’d be returning it.
It'’s too small.
It'’ll ruin your eyesight.

Besides, I could tell
the one you really want
is this one.

This is our
top-of-the-line.

Our very best
35" projection stereo
color monitor...

with advanced
super-digital P-in-P.

I'’m sorry.
That'’s way out
of my price range.

Not with our $200 rebate,
no money down,

ten-month deferred,
64-month layaway plan.

You ask yourself,
"How could it be ?"
Right ?

Because-a we'’re-a
Crazy Boys !

Sorry, they make us
do that.
That'’s a very
nice offer, but--

Plus this screen
promotes good eyesight.
Really ?

Four out of five optometrists
recommend it.

Okay,
I'’ll take it.

[ Bones ]
Okay, fantastic.

I'’m gonna take this
to the cashier, and
I'’m gonna arrange everything.

Thank you very much.

[ P.A. ]
...needed for a carryout.
Huh ?

Hmm ? C'’mon. Am I not
still a Crazy Boy ?

That is Brut I smell,
you pervert.

[ Chuckling ]
Heh-heh-heh.

Bones !
C'’mon.

[ Bones ]
Shh. Coming.

[ Laughing ]
[ TV ] Friends
of both parties...

[ TV ] have been making
frequent appearances
at the courthouse all day.

Gabriella,
you were outstanding.

Yeah, right.
This is the last time
I save your butt, okay ?

I work too,
you know.
I know.
It was an emergency.

The guy was about
to fire me.
It'’s always
an emergency.

They better take
that TV back.
They'’re gonna take it back.

Now, how '’bout giving
your little Italian
sausage man...

a little kissy-pooh ?

[ TV ] The U.S. has
issued strong warnings--

[ Gabriella ]
You are so
irresponsible !

Can'’t you be serious
for one minute ?

[ Bones ]
Okay, I'’ll be serious.
Let'’s get naked.

Not now !
Not here !

Why ? Don'’t you
love me anymore ?
Yes.

[ Gabriella ]
Of course I love you.

But look, your boss
is gonna catch us.

I don'’t care about
that perverted fatso
in a J.C. Penney suit.

Bones !

[ Bones ]
Jack, turn it off !
Turn it off !

Turn it off !

[ Bones Groaning ]

[ Laughing ]
Well, uh--

[ Laughing ]

I can'’t believe
he actually fired us.

Bones, we blew up
22 TV sets.

Yeah, but don'’t those things
come with warranties ?
I'’m sorry, man.

I didn'’t realize Quinn could
see you in all of those TVs.
No problemo,my friend.

I was sick of
gettin'’ down on my knees
for that guy, anyway,

Whoa !
Bones, I had no idea.

begging for my job.
I know.

You know what, Jack ?
This is amazing.
You know what this does ?

Yeah.
This brings us
one step closer...

to the... store.

No, no, no. What this does
is bring us one step closer
to living in the Dumpster.

How are we gonna get rent
for the store if we don'’t
have rent for our apartment ?

Excuse me.
Can we play through ?

Yeah.
Thank you.

Sorry, we were
just discussing--

Hey !
Oh, my god !
Army !

Navy ! Air Force !
Marines !

No.

Did you order a code red ?
Answer me !

Did you order
a code red, man ?

You want the truth ?
You can'’t handle the truth.

Yea !

He'’s goofin' off.
C'’mon, Bones.

- Wow, that was my
Nicholson impression.
- [ Jack ] Good.

I do it sometimes
when I play golf.

Bones, c'’mon, man !
I couldn'’t help myself.
I'’m sorry.

When you join the Army,
is it true you have to give
your whole life away ?

Nah. It'’s nothin'
like that with us.
We'’re in the Reserves.

What'’s that ?

Let'’s just get
this straight here.

After our basic training,
we owe you two weeks a year
and one weekend a month...

for which we get paid.

And on top of it,
you'’re gonna throw in $2,500
just for signing up ?

Basically, yes.

Wow ! Then how come everybody
isn'’t in the Reserves ?

Do people actually know
about this stuff ?

Well, we do try
to advertise.

Oh, yeah.
"It'’s not a job,
it'’s an adventure."

No, that'’s the Navy.

"The few and the proud" ?
No, that'’s
the Marines.

Hmm. "Keep going,
going and gone" ?

No, no. That'’s the,
um, Energizer bunny.
Gentlemen.

We'’re,
"Be all you can be."

♪ In the Ar-Army

You need us,
and we need you.

It'’s a win-win
situation.
[ Sighs ]

I got one more question.
Could I get a pen ?

Oh, no. Actually, could
we just have a second...

uh, amongst
ourselves ?
Certainly.

Take all the time
you need.

Just hold
that ballpoint.

[ Bones ]
Whew !

Just one--
C'’mere.

This is insane !
"Why doesn'’t everybody join ?"

Weren'’t you listening
to him in there ?
Shh.

It'’s like joining a health spa,only they pay us.
You'’re going nuts.

We are the beneficiaries.
We get a guaranteed check
for eight years...

and a special skill.
A special skill ?
Yeah, yeah.

Look at
the pamphlets.
Yeah, here we go.

"Land Combat
Missile Op" ?
Opportunities !

"Tactical Fire
Specialist" ?

You heard him talkin'’
about combat pay.

You have to be in combat to
get paid for that, right ?

He said Reserves
aren'’t called up unless
there'’s a major conflict.

When was the last war, huh ?
World War II ?
Yeah !

No !
Twenty years ago.

Have you ever heard
of Vietnam, huh ?

Desert Storm ?
No ?
Uh-uh.

What ?
I'’m kidding.
Gimme the brochure.

We'’re gonna go to
the Unemployment Office.
Just let me see.

Let me just check.
"Tank Turret Repair,
Land Mining Specialist."

"Water purification" ?
Water purification !

That'’s it.
What ?

Water purification.
I'’m telling you,
it'’s a snap.

My brother'’s a pool man.
Look, you take dirty water
and you make it clean.

How hard
can that be ?
I don'’t know.

And if there is a war,
what are we
gonna go in there with ?

Water balloons ?

That'’s-- I mean--
But, but--
Jack.

Yeah ?
This is for
our future, okay ?

If we can sign up now,
we get a guaranteed check
for $2,500.

If you times that
times two... Wow !

Rrrrip ! Ahh !
That'’s $6,000.
That'’s nice.

I know.
Yeah.
It'’s a nice
chunk of change.

But, hey.
This is for
our store.

Yeah.
Look, I'’ll even give you
first billing.

You don'’t have
to do that.
No, no.
"Jack'’s...

and Bones'’s
Palace of Stereos."
Ooh !

Let'’s just do it.
All right.
Let'’s do it.

Oh, yes !

♪ Get a haircut
and get a real job ♪

♪ Clean your act up
and don'’t be a slob ♪

♪ Get it together
like your big brother Bob ♪

♪ Why don'’t you get a haircut
and get a real job ♪

♪ I need to try
that 9:00 to 5:00 scene ♪

♪ I told myself that
it was all a bad dream ♪

♪ I found a band
and some good songs to play ♪

♪ Party all night
and sleep all day ♪
Hi. Um--

See, everybody knows me
for my hair.

What I need you to do
is just a little bit
on the side.

Not a whole bunch.
Kinda keep it like
it'’s still--

I'’d like to see you
in something short but sassy.
A real '’90s look.

Something that works
as well on the rifle range
as it does in the disco.

Okay.
That'’s perfect.

♪ Get a haircut
and get a real job ♪♪

All right.

Aaaah !

Does my head--
I mean, look at it.
I don'’t know. Yeah.

Does it look bigger
than it did be--

I mean, do I look
like a baked potato ?
Honestly ?

Yeah, honestly.
I-It looks great.
It really does.

Really !
Really ?
Really !

It looks...
macho.
All right !

Look at these, man.
Look at these.

Army issue.
See, I think
those are unique.

Idiotic !
No,
those are unique.

You'’re distinctive.
No one has them.
Really ?

You'’re keen.
One of a kind.
All right !

They broke the mold
when they made you, Jack.

[ Shouting Orders ]

[ Jack ]
Bones, I can'’t--
I can'’t do it !

Jack, come on.
You can do it.
I can'’t do it, man !

This is just like
your childhood, remember ?

Yeah, you'’re right.That guy is exactly like my dad.

See ? C'’mon !

Wait a minute, though !
My childhood sucked !

No, I can'’t do it, man.
I can'’t--

I can'’t handle
being yelled at by some...
muscle-bound drill sergeant.

No, man.
I can'’t do it.

Get the hell off
the truck !

Oh, whoa.

She can drill me
anytime.

On the double, right now !
Come on !

Move it !
Move it !
Hello, Sweet Pants.

Get down here !
Get down !

Oh, rough stuff.
Hi.
And take
those glasses off !

What'’d you think ? You're
on some beach or somethin'’ ?
No.

What'’s your name, Private ?
Bones Conway,
reportin'’ for duty, sir !

I mean, ma'’am,
sergeant, whatever.

You will address me
as Drill Sergeant.

[ Shouting ]
Do you understand ?

Yes, but you don'’t need
to yell, '’cause look,
I'’m standing right here.

I'’m not yellin' at you,
Private. Drill sergeants
do not yell.

We simply speak
in a voice loud enough
so everyone can hear.

That way we all learn
from each other'’s mistakes.

Okay.
Thanks for explaining it.

From here on out,
your butt is mine.

You will obey
every order...

without question !

Grunt !
[ Grunts ]

Oh, you'’re
a funny boy, huh ?
A cutie pie, right ?

Well, I don'’t know ya,
but I don'’t even like ya.

And I make it
my personal mission
to turn you into a soldier.

For the next eight weeks,
I'’ll be all over your butt
like white on rice !

Is that a promise ?

Give me 20 !

Well, my wallet--
Drop and
give me 20 !

Here, hold these.
You better get on the ground
and give me them push-ups.

Agh !
It'’s been a while.

All the way up and down,
right ?

Pump !
Pump.

[ Grunting ]
One !

Is that good ?

[ Door Opening ]

[ Whistle Blowing ]

Get up !
Get up !

Everybody up !

[ Whistle Blowing ]

On your feet.
Off the racks right now,
sleepin'’ beauties.

Get your butt
off that... rack.

[ Whistle Blowing ]
Ow ! Ow ! Ow !

Get up !
I'’m up.
I'’m up.

I'’m up !

Extend to the left !

[ Together ]
Extend to the left !

Forward !
[ Yelling ]

All right,

privates, on command
begin like the last drills.

Run in place.
When I say go... go !

[ Shouting Commands ]

Jack ?
Yeah ?

Where'’d the sun go ?

There is no sun
anymore, Bones.

The sun is gone.

We died,
and this is hell.

Oh, okay. Thanks
for explaining it.

Private,
you'’ve got that weapon
around backwards.

Oh.
Thanks.

See the picture on
the front of this weapon ?
Uh-huh.

It'’s put there
for privates like you.

It'’s idiot proof.

Seven, Drill Sergeant !
Agh !

The gig line runs down
the seam of your shirt,

through the edge of
your belt buckle, down
the seam of your zipper.

This is
a straight gig line.

See it,

learn it,

do it.

From here on out...

anyone without
a straight gig line...

will have
to answer to me.

Conway,
what the hell is this ?

Drill Sergeant,
I guess my gig line
needs straightening, huh ?

Ah !
[ Grunting ]

Ooh !

Thank you,
Drill Sergeant !

Don'’t thank me.
Thank your recruiter.

C'’mon, boy ! C'mon !
You can'’t do it !

I know you
can'’t do it !
Aah !

There are two types
of bayonet fighters:
the quick and the dead.

What are you ?
Quick !

What are they ?
Dead !

What are you ?
Quick !

What are they ?
Dead !

Any volunteers ?
Yeah !

What are you,
crazy ?
I sure am.

I'’m a cr...azy boy !

Hello !

Conway.
Yes, ma'’am.

Come here.
I'’m on my way.

Whoo !

Hi.
Hit me.

Let'’s not fight.
C'’mere.

Hit me
or you'’ll be sorry !

I can'’t hit you.
You'’re a girl.
And...

I love you.
[ Kissing Noises ]

You got two seconds
to hit me.

Okay, but this
is gonna hurt.
Any other volunteer ?

Oh, shit !
I'’m sorry.

I was just gonna--
I'’m gonna teach you
a lesson.

Never...
Ooh !

drop...
Agh !

your guard.

[ Groaning ]
Got it !

Can I please
throw up now ?
[ Gagging ]

Aah !
Get up !
Pump ! Get mad.

Yeah, you get mad, you !
Get mad !
Thirty-eight, Drill Sergeant !

Listen to me
carefully.

This is exactly the same
as practice, but this is
a real, live grenade.

I want you to do exactly
as you'’ve been trained.
Yes, Drill Sergeant.

When I give the command
to execute,

I want you to drop the pin,
throw the grenade.
Yes, Drill Sergeant.

Drop the pin,
throw the grenade.
Yes, Drill Sergeant.

Execute.

Move it !

[ Bones Coughing ]

Help ! Help !

[ Panting ]

Thanks, Drill Sergeant.
You saved my life.

I owe you one.

No, you owe me
fifty !

[ Grunting ]

Fifty !

♪ Mama, mama
can'’t you see ♪

♪ Mama, mama
can'’t you see ♪

♪ Drill Sergeant Ladd
made a man outta me ♪

♪ Drill Sergeant Ladd
made a man outta me ♪

...and that I will
obey the orders...

of the President
of the United States.

[ Together ] And I will obey
the orders of the President
of the United States.

And the orders of the officers
appointed over me.

And the orders
of the officers
appointed over me.

According
to regulations...

According to regulations...

and the uniform code
of military justice.

and the uniform code
of military justice.

- So help me God.
- So help me God.

You look great !
Nice to meet you.
Bye.

Be good. Take care.
Bye.

Ah, it'’s the uniforms,
man !
I know.

Pvt. Conway !

Never thought I'’d say this,
but I think I'’ve done
the impossible:

I'’ve turned you
into soldiers.
Thank you, Drill Sergeant.

Carry on.

Uh, is this, uh,
unit 341 ?
That'’s us, soldier.

Bones Conway, here.
This is my partner Jack.
Hi. Christine.

Nice to meet you. Looks like
we'’ll be working together.
Good.

Christine,
a la G.I. Jane, right ?

What brings a pretty ladylike you to water purification ?[ Jack'’s Knuckles Cracking ]

I wanted infantry, but
until they ax that crap...

about women not being
allowed in combat,

I'’ll just have to settle for
kickin'’ your little butt.
Ooh !

That would be nice.
[ Bones Laughing ]

Feisty one, huh ?
I like that.

Shut up.

I'’m gonna have
to kill your friend.

Hey, Bones Conway.

Fred Ostroff.
Good to meet you.

You okay, Fred ?
Oh, man, I'’m fine.
Agh !

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

So, uh, what do you do
when you don'’t purify water ?

Well, I'’m goin' intomy final year of dental school.

Wow.
Now that is great.

- No, it'’s not.
- Why ?

Did you know that
dentists are more feared...

and loathed
than any other profession ?
That'’s including lawyers.

See, I don'’t think people
hate dentists.

It'’s just the sound
of that drill.

And then they stick that
sucking thing in the back
of your mouth like this.

And the nurse says,
"I'’ll be right back."

Then they jam those
cardboard x-ray things.

And then they--
[ Sucking Sounds ]

When you have a cavity,
they take that pointy thing
and they--

[ Makes Drill Sounds ]

The nurse leaves,
and she goes to lunch.

And she jams it
back there, right ?

Meanwhile, there is
a lead apron on the thing,

and you'’re sitting there like--[ Coughing, Gagging ]

Can somebody...
[ Coughing ] help me ?

See ? That'’s what
I'’m talkin' about.

If you don'’t want
to talk about it, it'’s okay.

No, no. It'’s good.
We should talk about it...

'’cause my therapist said
that I need to get it out.

Kinda like
an emotional enema.

So we talked about it
and said,

"Why not join
the Army Reserve ?"

"Be all that you can be"...
on the weekends.

Yeah.

Maybe it'’d help meto face those things in my lifethat I'’m most afraid of.

- What are you afraid of ?
- Uh--

Well, I'’d have to say,
uh, damn near everything.

- Floss ?
- Hey !

Keep it.

Good morning.

Purifying our water is one
of the most vital operations
in the military.

It is absolutely vital
that you know your equipment
inside...

and out.

Agh ! Agh !

Two soldiers must man
the hose at all times.

This is for
your own safety, people.
Okay !

Never lose control
of your hose.

[ Shouting ]
Turn it off !

Turn it off !

[ Instruction Officer ]
After careful training,
you will be able to produce...

potable water from
the most disgusting, swampy,

parasite-infected,
diseased water.
Hey, guys !

Look.
It'’s our first glass
of purified water.

All right !

Go for it, man.
Try it.

Nah, I'’m not
gonna try.

Here, you try it.
I'’m not gonna try it.

We should get Christine.
Yeah ! She'’ll taste anything.

I'’m not gonna try it.
Let'’s get Freddy.

Okay.
Oh, Freddy !

No, thanks. I'’m allergic.
It'’ll make me break out.

[ Together ]
Well, then,
who'’s gonna try it ?

Who'’s the leader
of this outfit ?

He is.
He is.
He is.

Son, I'’ve been doin' this
for a long time,
and I gotta say...

this is the best damn glass
of purified water...

I ever had.
Congratulations !

Keep this up, and
I'’ll be puttin' you in
for private first class.

Thank you, Sergeant.

But I could not
have done it without
the inspirational guidance...

of my brother,
the pool man !

♪♪ [ Rock ]

Be right back, honey.

Excuse me.

Better go freshen up.

Y-You'’re not gonna follow me
into the bathroom, Bones.

No, come on.
Bye.
Oh, baby.
[ French ]

Speak-a French
and Italiano.

♪ Baby-babe
Let'’s shift together ♪

♪ And Honey-hon
Me and you ♪

♪ And do the things
Ooh ♪

♪ Do the things

♪ That we like to do

♪ Ooh
Do a little dance ♪

♪ Make a little love

♪ Get down tonight
Bones !

♪ Get down tonight
Whoa-oa-oa !

- Put your clothes back on.
- Come on. He hasn'’t seen you
in eight weeks.

Woof ! Woof !

[ Italian ]
Yeah !

Honey !
Look what I did for you.
The Army did this.

You look buff.
I know.

Did you
miss me ?
Of course I did.

Honey, wait, wait.
Hold it here a second.

We'’re in the middle of a party.Your friends might come in.

That'’d be cool.
I think it'’s very rude if westay more than a couple minutes.

Two minutes ? Perfect.
We'’ll have time
to cuddle afterwards.

[ Ringing ]

Hold that thought.

Somebody better be dead.
Hello.

[ Man ] This is
an official message.

I saw a flock of wild geese
migrating south.

I say again, the geese
are migrating south.

Yeah ? Well, my goose
is about to lay a golden egg.

You'’ll have to cruise
the south solo, okay ?

Have a nice flight.

Who was it ?
Someone who'’s
into birds.

Caw, caw !

[ Phone Ringing ]

Look, you saw the goose.
I'’m the walrus
and Paul is dead.

I'’m tryin' to bury
my beak here,
so give it a rest !

All right,
that'’s it.

[ Phone Ringing ]
[ Sighs ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

Jack !

Get the phone.
Who is it ?

It'’s a freak calling about
wild geese migrating.

Hello.
Bones !

Wha-- No, don'’t.
Christine, don'’t. Look.

Which way ?
Who cares ?

North or south ?
South.

Yes !
Yes, yes !
What ?

You guys,
don'’t you remember ?

About the code ?

So that if we got called up
for active duty then we
would know it was for real.

It'’s gotta be
a mistake.
It'’s gotta be Chad.

Hello, Mama ?
It'’s Frederick.

Uh, you sittin'’ down ?

Chad is the African country,
the one that Libya'’s
about to invade.

Uh, turn off
the music.

Ahh !
Ahh !
Ahh !

Do you remember when you told methat every Black man
should visit the motherland ?

Bones, why do you think
I chose water purification ?

Mmm, is your brother
a pool man ?
No.

It'’s because Chad
is in a desert.

And water purification
is the Reserve occupation...

most likely to be called up
if there'’s a desert war.

And there'’s a desert war,
and we'’re going !

That'’s it, Bones.
I'’m gonna kill you.
You gotta relax here.

I'’m gonna get us
outta this one.

Trust me.

At ease.

Sir, I know
we'’re going to Chad,

but there'’s something
you need to know
about Jack and I...

before we go, sir.
Yes ?

Uh, Bones and I
are very close friends.

Very.
Oh, I see.

In that case, boys, I guess
you'’re not going to Chad.

Sorry to disappoint you,
sir.

Uh, just one thing.

Anything.

Kiss '’im.

'’Scuse me ?
Kiss your friend.

You don'’t have a problem
with that, do ya ?

Oh, no.
Uh-uh.

He kisses me
every day.

[ Clears Throat ]

[ Sighs ]

Just do it.

Oh, shit.
Is it hot in Chad ?

As the Libyan raids
against U.N. forces
near the border continue,

this U.S. force is being readiedto deter the invasion...

threatened by the Libyan leaderin his television broadcast
last night.

As the buildup here continues,
the first Army Reserve units
arrived here today.

These units will aid
in the supply...
Hello, Mama.

and logistical support
of the growing
U.S. presence here.

These troops
are in high spirits,
and the morale is high.

And their hopes are high
that this mission...
Soldiers, let'’s go !

will remain
a peaceful one.

Reporting live from Chad
for Worldwide News Report,

this is Stu Krieger.

I am First Sergeant
Brandon T. Williams.

It is my intention to run
this company like a clock.

If one gear slips in my clock,my clock'’ll tell the wrong time.

If one spring is loose
in my clock, my clock'’ll
tell the wrong time.

First Sgt. Williams
likes his clock
to tell the right time.

- Do you understand me ?- [ All ] Yes, First Sergeant !

What did he say ?
I don'’t know. Something
about his clock being broken.

Have my words
fallen upon deaf ears ?

Yes, Sergeant !
I mean, no, Sergeant.

Don'’t you know
I'’m your first sergeant ?

Actually, I wish you were
my first sergeant,

but I already had
a couple ones already.

Drop
and give me push-ups !

You will continue
to do push-ups
until you learn...

to address me
as First Sergeant,
is that clear ?

Yes, First Sergeant !
Count off !

One, First Sergeant.
Two, First Sergeant.

Three, First Sergeant.
Four, First Sergeant.

Five, First Sergeant.
Six, First Sergeant.
Don'’t eyeball me.

Seven, First Sergeant.
Eight, First Sergeant.
Nine, First Sergeant.

Ten, First Sergeant.
Eleven, First Sergeant.
Twelve, First Sergeant.

13, First Sergeant.
14, First Sergeant.

123, First Sergeant.
124, First Sergeant.

125, First Sergeant.
That'’s enough.
On your feet !

Son, I bet you did a lot of
push-ups in basic training,
didn'’t you ?

Yes, First Sergeant.
Well, you just did
your last push-up, soldier.

I will never ask you
to do another.
Thank you, First Sergeant.

You just graduated
to peelin'’ potatoes.

6,543, First Sergeant.

6,544, First Sergeant.

Oh, First Sergeant.
6,545, First Sergeant.
Ooh.

Six thousand, one--
600,000,

5,452, First Sergeant.
Shit, I lost count.

[ Bones ]
Wait, we got it !
We got it ! Look !

Ooh !
[ Christine ]
That'’s my butt !

[ Jack ]
Good one, Bones.
[ Mumbling ]

♪ Kumbaya ♪
Stop it !

Oh, cool, look.
Hey.

It'’s a sunroof.

[ Sniffing ]
Oh, look.

Gabriella tucked a little note
into my duffel bag.

Yeah.

"Dear Bones,
by the time you read this
I will already be--"

What ? "I will already be
in Milan with Guido."

Oh, she dumped ya.
Sorry, Bones.

I must say, this guy sounds
really nice. He'’s got a villa
right on the Adriatic Sea.

Jack, don'’t rub it in.
No, no.
You'’re better off.

She'’s a horrible speller.
There'’s only one "S"
in loser. Look at that.

And, "immaturish" ?
I don'’t even think
that'’s a word.

Gabriella,
sh-she broke my heart.
Sorry.

Well, fortunately,
I'’m too shallow
to stay bummed for too long.

I'’ll take that.
[ Sniffing ] Mmm.

Would you mind turning
the light off please, Jack ?

Oh, yeah.

Fred, you checked your bag
for scorpions.

Right ?
For scorpions ?

- He'’s messing with you, Fred.
- No, I'’m not.

Chad is the scorpion capital
of the world.

Yep, Fred.
They'’re big ones too.
'’Bout as big as my fist.

[ Jack ]
They outnumber people
two to one.

And that margin grows
with every sting.

So, have a good sleep,
Fred.

Good night,
everybody.
Good night, Bones.

Night, Sue Ellen.
Night,
John Boy.

Scorpions !

Yeah, right.

[ Sighs ]

I got one.
I got one !

I got one.
I got one !

I got one.
I got one !

I got one.
I got one !
[ Laughing ]

I got one.
I got one !
Agh !

[ Laughing ]
Very funny !

We'’re just tryin'
to help ya get over
your fears, Fred, really.

Don'’t worry about it.
You come sleep with me.

I'’d rather take my chances
with the scorpion, thank you.

God, I hate this.

It'’s not that bad.
It'’s like camp.

♪ John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ That'’s my name too ♪
♪ That'’s my name too ♪

♪ Whenever we go out
the people always shout ♪

♪ There'’s goes John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da
♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

Come on !
♪ That'’s my name too ♪♪

Shut up !
Shut up !

Don'’t eat the chicken.

Man, it tastes just like frog.
Are you-- Can I--

Thanks. Enjoy.

- Ready !
- Go !

Who are they ?

Special Forces.
Mmm.

14.11 seconds.
Damn !
Try it again.

Go !
He'’s incredible.

Time me.

All right.

Go !

Shoo !
Shoo ! Shoo !

Where'’d it hit ?
Oh, that'’s
not good.

What happened ?
Just--
That is not good.

[ Jack ]
Oh, great.
He'’s comin' over.

Just don'’t
look at '’im.

You lose somethin'’ ?
Yeah, thanks.

You put it
in my lasagna.

You better call 911,get an ambulance, find a doctor,order a toe tag...

'’cause I'm gonna tear off
your head and spit it down
your neck, understand, boy ?

Huh ?
Hey ! Hey !

You have to relax
a little.
Take it easy.

We'’re in the middle of a war,
and we'’re on the same side.

Would America
have won the Civil War...

if Benjamin Franklin
did not get along
with Eleanor Roosevelt ?

[ Soldier ] Right on !
[ Bones ]
A little knowledge.

A little knowledge
to"parter."

Hmm ?
Go ahead,
man.

If our soldiers,
our American soldiers...

acted like this
in Desert Storm...

Saddam Hussein would
still be running Iraq.

Excuse me.

So maybe we'’re a bunch
of Reservists fresh off
the plane, right ?

It'’s obvious.
But you regular guys,

you'’ve been here so long
that your brains are fried !

So I guess, what I'’m
really trying to say is...

Come on, genius,
spit it out.

that doesn'’t mean
we all can'’t be friends...
please.

There'’s only one problem
with you "newbies:"

-[ Soldier ] Tell him the truth.-You don'’t eat enough.

No, th-that'’s mi--

[ Soldier ]
Attention !

As you were.

Son,

I bet the mess sergeant
could use a volunteer...

to peel potatoes.
Yes, sir !

- Can we count on you ?
- Yes, sir.

Carry on.

I happen to know,
on this base there'’s not
one "unpeeled" potato.

[ Mumbling ]

I heard the Libyans are
already backing down,

and we'’re gonna be
outta here in two weeks.
Yeah ?

I hear they'’re sending
20,000 more troops, and we'’re
gonna be here '’til Christmas.

Go like that.
Wait, wait. Hey !

Where you goin'’ ?

It'’s not like
I got bad breath.

Help.

And until they comply
with U.N. resolution 991,

I don'’t think anybody's
goin'’ anywhere.

You'’re amazing,
Christine.

How do you keep up
with all that stuff ?

Christine ?

Christine ?

All right,
quit screwin'’ around.

Chris, send some water
with this mud !

Chris !

Jack ?

You--

Fred ? Agh !

Agh !

How'’s it feel to be dead,
water boy ?

Ooh.
[ Sighs ]

I don'’t know.
How does it feel
to be a dick, dick ?

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

Dammit !
Where'’s my water ?

There was none delivered
last night, First Sergeant.

Goddamn piece of shit
"newbies."

How am I gonna run a decent H.Q.without my coffee ?

That is truly a pathetic sight.Who perpetrated this ?

[ Mumbling ]

O-ooow!

Who did this to you ?
I can'’t tell you,
First Sergeant.

What ? You have
too much honor ?

No-o-o ! I'’ve been
threatened with death.

Untie these clowns,
and get me some water !

Agh !

[ Drill Sergeant ]
♪ I just love it
any ol'’ way ♪

[ Platoon ]
♪ I just love it
any ol'’ way ♪
Ahem.

I have an announcement.

Do you guys want your water,
'’cause you're lookin'’
a little bit crispy ?

- You better wa--
- Oh, I know. I know.

Tell me if this is right.
I better call 976,
find a doctor...

and tag an ambulance,
'’cause you're gonna
tear off my toe...

and spit down my head,
right ?

Do you guys want
your water or not ?

Sergeant !

Report to Capt. Roberts.
You'’ve got a mission.

Water boys,

report to
First Sergeant Williams,
you'’ve got a mission too.

Listen up !
Capt. Denby says...

we'’re gonna resupply the forwardU.N. peace-keeping base.

This is a very simple,
routine mission.

You will fall into line
in a very large,
very prepared convoy.

All you have to do
is follow the truck
in front of you.

When your troops get thirsty,
you will give them water.

Conway,
you look confused.

Are you sure
you wanna send us
to a forward area ?

We'’re just water boys.
You are soldiers !

You will get in that convoy,
and you will be a credit
to the United States Army.

Is that clear ?
Yes, First Sergeant !

Then muscle your lollygaggin'’
butts and move out !
Yes, First Sergeant !

[ Grunting ]
Dammit !

Forget it.
They'’re gonna send
a tow truck.

Man,
what I wouldn'’t do...

for a double-meat,
chili cheeseburger right now.

No, a margarita
on the rocks.

Mmm.
[ Machine Gun
Fire ]

Or some fresh,
buttery Jiffy-Pop.

That'’s not popcorn,
boys.
Hmm ?

That convoy'’s
under attack.

[ Explosion ]

Really ?
I don'’t think so.

[ Machine Gun Fire ]

A maniac'’s shooting at us !
It'’s not a maniac.
It'’s the enemy !

What the hell are you doing ?
Surrendering !
Don'’t shoot !

Damn !

Nice goin'’, Christine.

Did you have to shoot
so close ? You scared
the shit outta me.

Excuse me for livin'’ !
I was just tryin'’ to save
your worthless little life.

Christine,
are you aware that after
a near-death experience,

there'’s often
a desire to have sex ?

Yeah, Jack.
That'’s right.

I feel it.
All right !

Just not with you...
ever !

Got it ?
Yeah. Got it.

I'’m glad we could have
this little talk.
I didn'’t feel anything.

You guys,
let'’s get outta here
The truck'’s on fire !

Stay low. It'’s gonna...

explode.

Where'’s Bones ?

[ Bones ]
Hello !

Now rickity-tick
your mustering lollygaggin'’.

Let'’s lollygaggin'
outta here !

Isn'’t the road
that way ?
Takin'’ the shortcut.

Is there one ?
Mm-hmm. The road
curves around like this.

All we gotta do is
cut through the desert here,

and catch up with
the convoy over there.
Watch out !

I think I know
what I'’m doing here.

I guess this isthe wrong time to tell you guysI get very easily carsick.

[ Christine ]
Bones, I don'’t see
a road.

I have the best sense of
direction of anyone you know.
The road'’s over there.

Three miles...
maybe four.

[ Jack ]
Oh, yeah. Maybe ten,
maybe twenty.

Maybe our truck
is sinking.

No-o-o !

[ Engine Revving ]
Push !

Forget it, okay ?
Just shut it down.
We'’ll dig it out.

Just stand back.
Stand back.
I'’m gonna rock it.

Will you quit ?
It'’s not working.

You'’re sucking too much sand
into the air filter.

I order you...
to shut it down now !
You order me ?

I'’m Private First Class.
Okay ? I'’m ordering you.
Come on.

The only reason
you made...

private first class...

is because your brother'’s
a pool man.

[ Engine Backfires, Stops ]

Huh ?
You happy ?

Get off !

I hope you brought
your Triple "A" cards.

Let'’s see.

[ Coughing ]

Well, look.
You cracked the block.

I could'’ve done it
if you hadn'’t stopped me.
You'’re so full of it.

You know what ?
[ Christine ]
Shut up !

We gotta figure out
what we'’re gonna do.

Why don'’t you just ask
our fearless leader here ?

Pvt. First Class Bones,
the one with
the highest rank.

All you had to do, Jack,
was just listen to me.

All I'’ve ever done is
listen to you, and look
where it'’s taken me.

Look ! We'’re in
the middle of some
African hellhole...

under a flesh-frying sun
with the sky filled
with vultures...

ready to pluck out
my eyeballs.

Vultures don'’t come around
unless something'’s
about to die.

[ Bird Squawks ]

[ Sighs ]

Are you ripping the sleeves
off your jacket ?

That'’s gonna look sexy.

Jack, tomorrow we have to walk
away from this water truck.

We have two canteens
between us.

We'’re gonna fill up
the sleeves with water
and then we have more water.

Am I the only person
who paid attention
in survival class ?

[ Screaming ]

There'’s a scorpion
on my back !

That'’s enough !
There'’s not a scorpion
on your back !

Uh-uh. There is
a scorpion on my back !

Fred, there'’s nothing
on your back.

You keep on
imagining things.

Thank you.
I needed that.

I'’m sorry I snapped.

You don'’t have
to apologize.

You'’re right !
I see things very clear now.

All right.
Right !

[ Fred ]
Guys, I want to apologize
to everybody. Okay ?

He'’s okay.
I feel like
a brand-new man.

Now, can we
get some rest ?
Okay.

Thank you.

What are you doing ?

Just felt like going--

You'’re always playing !

[ Whispering ]
Did you guys see that thing ?
It was--

Follow me. I know
exactly where I'’m goin'.

♪ When all
there'’s left to do ♪

Trust me.

♪ '’Cause you're fightin'’
what'’s been done ♪

♪ This is where
sadness breathes ♪

♪ The sadness
of everyone ♪

♪ Just like when the guys
quit the damn at Otter Creek ♪

♪ And all the water
backed up ♪

♪ Deep enough to die

You guys, get down.
I see something. Get down !

[ Laughing ]

It'’s a truck !
There'’s the road.
We are saved !

I told you I had
a flawless sense of direction.

[ Bones ]
What a coincidence !
That truck looks--

That looks like our truck.

Listen you guys.
Hey. I figured out
why we went in circles.

Do you remember
our map-reading class ?

We didn'’t follow the sun !

Look, this stream
is due west.

All we have to do is walk away
from the sun in the morning,

towards the sun in the
afternoon and we should
be there by nightfall.

So you'’re saying we
should risk being dried up
into human jerky again...

just to follow another one
of your half-baked plans.

I'’m not saying anything, okay ?I mean, I'’m pretty sure
this is gonna work.

But since I let us down before, I say from here on in...

we put everything
to a vote.

We can'’t vote.
You order.

We follow.
Okay, well I order us
to vote.

That is not how
the Army goes. You have
to tell us what to do.

What if I'’m wrong ?

Then... we die.

I order us...

to do a sunbaked...
plan thing.

We'’re dead.

[ Bones ]
Hey, guys, just think of it
as a very long day...

on a very big beach
in a very dry year.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey.

[ Jack ]
Wait a minute.
It'’s the ocean.

I don'’t see anything.

What, are you blind ?
Th-The waves !

[ Jack ]
It'’s the ocean !

It'’s a mirage !

It is a mirage !
And there'’s Caesars.

Right across the street
is the Barbary Coast where
you can get a $3.99 buffet.

It'’s the ocean !
Come on !

Come on !
Let'’s go !

Come on !
First one in !

Come on !

Here'’s a canteen.
Go get your boy
'’cause he's buggin'’.

Are you okay, man ?
Are you okay ? Here.

Take a sip.

Listen.

Look, Jack,
we got two choices:

One, we could put
your clothes back on,get ourselves out of this mess.

Go back to Glendale.
Start up our own store.
Become rich and famous !

Or two, you can lie here
butt-naked and crust away,

leaving your skull to be found
by a young Arabic prince...

that'’s gonna use it
for an ashtray.

[ Gibberish Arabic ]

You don'’t want that
in your head.

You make the call.
Come on, let'’s get outta here.

What do you say ?
Come on.

Here. Here.

Come on.

Hey. Oh, Jack,
look at that ass !

Maybe you should stay naked,
get some sun on those cheeks.

What ?
Man, now
I'’m seeing things.

The palm trees
right on the horizon.

[ Christine ]
It'’s another mirage.

Oh, my god,
I see it too.
It'’s not a mirage.

Those are the palm trees !
It'’s the oasis !

Oh, man.
You saved our lives !

Where'’s my kiss ?
Christine ?

[ Panting, Laughing ]

This stream was due west.
It was on the map, right ?

Where'’s the water ?

This is... sand !

Nobody move.

There is a big snake
right by your feet.

[ Screams ]

Thanks for not movin'’,
Jack.

Throw me the gun.

If you don'’t attack it,
it'’ll go away.

I-I don'’t want it to go away.
I want to have it for dinner.

Throw me... the gun.

- [ Hissing ]
- [ Screaming ]

You want
some of this, baby ?
[ Rifle Shot ]

There you go. Come on !
[ Rifle Shots, Clicks ]

Oh, no. I'’m still
gonna getcha !

You'’re gonna die, vermin !
I'’ll kill ya !

Huh ?
Shudda-budda-da-da-da !

Huh ?
It'’s a win-win situation.

Would you look
at that !

[ Jack ]
Water from the bullet hole.

[ Jack ]
Water ! Yeah !

Water ! Water !

[ Jack ]
Fresh water !
I can'’t believe it !

Is it snake yet ?

Depends how
you like it.
Well done !

He used to be
afraid of scorpions,
now he'’s eatin' snake !

That is impressive,
Fred.

[ Laughing ]
I thought
we were all gonna die.

But you pulled us through.

I don'’t know how,

but thank you.

That was, uh...
[ Clears Throat ]

pretty exceptional.

So what are you gonna do
if I get us rescued ?

Um...

I will...

take off all
your clothes,

tie you to the bed,

rub warm oil
all over your body,

from the bottom of those feet
to the top of that head,

and proceed to have
the nastiest...

freakiest sex with you
that you have ever imagined.

[ Popping Noise ]
Wow.

Oh, that'’s it. Dammit !
I saw her first !

And look what happens !
The same thing that happened
with Gabriella.

I saw her first.
And Wanda Tushman.

In the third grade.
I saw her first !

And that girl in Palm Springs
that turned out to be the guy.

I saw that thing first too.
You know why I'’m notjust strangling you right now ?

'’Cause you
can'’t cook a snake ?

No.

Because no matter how long
we'’ve been friends,

I never thought
you'’d be the kind of guy
that would save our lives,

let alone kill a snake.

But you did.
Hey, man, thanks.

[ Bones ]
I think it'’s the U.N. flag.

We'’re saved !

Guys, Christine and I are
gonna need some time alone.
Sure, man !

[ Rifle Cocking,
Shouting In Arabic ]

[ TV ]
...President in the situation
room of the White House.

The President
is scheduled to address the nation tomorrow at 6:00 P.M.

Welcome.

You are the Reservists
from Glendale, California.
Correct ?

According to W.N.R.,
you are presumed dead
in a truck explosion.

Hmm, where are we ?

You are on a military base
well inside Libya.

That is all
you need to know.

Oh, I forgot to mention.
The war is
starting tomorrow.

How'’d you know that ?
American TV.

Your country is expected
to start bombing
our air bases tomorrow.

When that happens,

we will unleash missiles
with chemical warheads
against your bases.

Consider yourself lucky
to be here.

Sleep well.

You know, this is fine.
It'’s like the time you
got us arrested in Tijuana.

Except we'’re in Libya.

And your dad'’s not gonna
pick us up here, brother.

Yo, aren'’t you guys
also American ?

Ah, see. I see.

I was wounded and...
I don'’t feel well. Please
sing a song to comfort me.

- Sing a song ?
- Any song !

[ Whispering Quietly ]
Oh, because of the thing--
Oh, okay.

♪ Rescue me
Sing.

♪ I want your tender charms
'’Cause I'm so lonely ♪

♪ And I'’m blue ♪

My team was on
strategic recon.
Oh ?

You know, that'’s when
you go behind enemy lines...

and try to locate their
assets like tanks, bunkers.

We were on our way
to a resupply drop
and we were ambushed.

The other guys
were killed.
[ Loudly ]
Killed ?

♪ I need you
by my side ♪

♪ Can'’t you see
that I'’m lonely ♪

I took a bullet in the leg,
and they brought me here.

♪ Uh-huh, I don'’t know
any words to this song ♪

♪ Kiss me, baby
♪ Kiss me, baby

♪ Kiss me, baby, yeah
Hold me, baby ♪

♪ Love me, baby

Use this to dig around
the base of the bars
on the window.

I got one of them
loose already.
Escape ?
What are you, crazy ?

♪ Ahh, oh-ho
♪ Uh-huh

Look. It'’s the duty
of every P.O.W.
to try to escape.

We'’re in the middle of a desert.What good is it gonna do
for us to escape ?

To complete the recon
mission, soldier.

The special operations
cargo plane was instructed
to make a supply drop...

at a rendezvous point
about 15 K north of here.

If we can get off this base,
I can get us
to the rendezvous point.

You'’re insane.
The Libyans are gonna launch
chemical weapons.

We'’re much safer here.
No. I'’m a soldier, and
I'’ve got a job to do.

And so are you.
Now get to work... Private.

♪ Lonely

♪ Yeah, rescue me
Pretty baby ♪♪

[ Whispering ]
Bones.
Ah-ah, ah-ha.

My heart.

You know what ?
You didn'’t scare me.
I just felt like screaming.

Don'’t worry about it.
Most men think I'’m scary.

You can'’t sleep, huh ?
I'’m too excited.

Excited ?They might torture us tomorrow.They might even kill us.

I know. It'’s just like
the night before Christmas.

Yeah, well at my house
we got presents.

I'’m talking about
the anticipation.

We might die !
We, we, we might escape.

We don'’t know what's
gonna happen. That'’s the
coolest thing in the world.

Most girls are into
horses and stuff.

You'’re weird.

Most men say that too.

I like it.

You do ?

Yeah.
Horses are boring.

[ Chuckles ]
So...

if I do get us out of here,
and I will,

is it true what you said
about tying me up and
all the wild sex stuff ?

Only if you kiss me again.

Okay.

Okay, wait.
Wait a minute.

I think I got it.
Wait, look at it.

You got it.
Look at it.

[ Loud Siren Beeping ]
[ Christine ]
Oh ! Oh !

[ Beeping Continues ]
Stern ?

Stern, you gotta wake up.
I can'’t turn the alarm off.

It'’s not an alarm.
It'’s an air-raid siren.

Oh, thank God !

I thought I was having
another panic attack.

[ Beeping Continues ]

[ Screaming ]

It'’s okay,
it'’s okay.

[ Screaming ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Fred ]
Yes.

Almost.
Try it again.

Okay. Cross yo--

That was good. Just a
little more to the left
and you got '’em.

You guys just keep trying.

[ Bones ]
Do you guys realize
what we are doing right now ?

This is a scene from
Pirates of the Caribbean.

All we need is that
mangy dog, right ?

[ Stern ]
Quiet. Just try it again.

[ Shouting In Arabic ]

Hey.

How much do you love me ?

I'’m sorry, I don't get it.What is it with us and trucks ?

We get '’em, we break 'em,
we smash '’em, we crash 'em.

We run out of gas.
I don'’t get it !
Yes, I understand that.

But we'’re not getting
tortured by Babaga-douche
right now, okay ?

No, instead we'’re lost
in the desert... again.

Without food and water...
again.

Stuck with this Special Forces
guy. He can'’t even walk'’cause he got his leg shot off.

Fred, we'’re free !
Yeah, and
we'’re gonna die free !

Or maybe not.

[ Bones ]
Fifty-five American dollars.

Then on top of it,
see this truck ?

Serious, bona fide Libyan Army
[ Machine Gun Sound ]
fighting machine.

And it'’s all part of
this amazing offer, my friend.

I mean, if you'’re lucky, itmight even have a Kuwait track.

You can play
[ Gibberish Arabic ]
stuff on it.

Huh ? And you ask me,
how could it be ?
Why such a deal ?

Because we'’re Crazy Boys !
We'’re givin' it away !

[ Speaking Arabic ]

Hmm ?

You like this watch ?

[ Bones ]
Is it interesting ?
[ Jack ]
No, no, no, no, no.

Not the watch.
He likes it.

Come on. It'’s got
the faces of the moon
and a compass.

What ?
This has a compass ?
Yeah.

Really ? We'’ve been stuck
in the desert for three days,

and you'’re telling me
this watch has a compass.
Sorry.

Oh, Jack, you'’re gonna get
some noogies later.
I'’m gonna pound you like this.

[ Jack ]
I forgot.

Well, you'’re gonna forget
about your little watch here,
because it'’s gone !

Uh-huh.
Here you go, my friend.

[ Bones ]
Hey, you guys.
In my life...

I'’ve seen
a lot of camels'’ toes,

but I'’ve never seen one
on a camel.

I think he'’s got a crush
on you, Bones.
Really ? How can you tell ?

'’Cause he's been nibbling
on your ears.
Yeah ?

And licking
on your neck.

It'’s okay.

You'’re just a camel.

[ Stern ]
Our supply drop'’s on the other side of that Libyan base.

[ Bones ]
What Libyan base ?

Are you blind ?

It'’s a Libyan base
covered with a camo tent.
What are you talking about ?

I guess we'’re gonna have
to go around it.
Around what ?

[ Christine ]
See that jeep right there ?
I see the jeep, but I don'’t--

Oh ! You mean that
Libyan base, the one
under the camo tent !

I thought you guys
were talking about
some other Libyan base.

[ Fred ]
Will there be
medical supplies ?

Medical supplies, uniforms,
food, water, radio.
Everything you need.

[ Bones ]
But where is it ? It'’s supposed to be right here.

Hey, you guys !
Come on !

[ Laughing ]
Hey, come on, you guys !

What is it ?
Oh !

Whoo-hoo !

Whoo !

Hot Wheels !

[ Groans ]

Stern, these things
are intense !No wonder people join the Army.

♪ Be all
that you can be ♪

♪ In the Army

What happened to him ?

His leg looks pretty bad.
I think it'’s infected 'cause
he lost a lot of blood.

But look at his gums !
They'’re fabulous, man.

Not a touch of gingivitis.
He'’s been flossing.

Yeah, but why is
he acting so wasted ?
That'’s the morphine.

Absolutely !
The "morphine," the better.

[ Stern Laughing ]

[ Bones On Radio ]
Hello ! Somebody
answer us, please !

You gotta believe us.
We'’re stuck out here
in the middle--

Get ahold of yourself,
soldier.

Thank God it'’s you !

Listen--
Don'’t say my name.

What did I say to youwhen you first arrived in Chad ?

Uh, something about
your clock being broken.

Close enough.

Okay, calm down, son,we'’re gonna get you outta there.

Listen carefully.Your call sign is now Glendale.

Our call sign
is now Burbank.

Did you recover
the fast-attack vehicles,
Glendale ?

Oh, you mean those
dune buggies ! Yeah,
those things are intense.

Good. This equipment
was intended...

for the Special Forces team
to carry out a vital mission.

You are our only assets
on the ground...

with the right equipment
in the right place.

Say what ?
You have to take over,
Glendale.

[ Chuckles ]
Listen. Let me
explain something.

First of all, Sergeant,
we'’re water boys.

Okay, please--
You'’re soldiers first,
Glendale !

Now, listen up.

The Libyans have a
mobile scud launching base
right in your area.

These scuds are loaded
with chemical weapons
and targeted at U.S. bases.

Our aerial photographshaven'’t been able to find them.

You want us to find '’em ?
What about Stern ?

Stern can find '’em.
He'’ll be up pretty soon.
Stern ?

Daddy, why can'’t I go
to ballet class ?

Teacher says
I'’m a natural.

These scuds...

can'’t be spotted from the air
because of heavy camouflage.

Camouflage ?
Why didn'’t you say so
in the first place ?

Listen, we saw the thing
this morning.

Stern wrote down
the coordinates.
Right, Stern ?

We'’ll tell you where it is.
You guys can come here
and bomb the hell outta it !

Come on.
Send the Air Force.
It'’s not enough to tell us.

You have to go back there
and paint it.

Paint it ? Trust me.
It looks perfectly fine
the way it is.

I mean paint it
with the laser.

The laser target designator.
It'’s in your equipment.

All you have to do
is return to that base,

point the laser at it,
and call me back on the radio.

The Air Force
will do the rest.

You can be a mile away
in perfect safety.

All right.
Wait a minute.

Chris ?
Get over here.
What ?

They can'’t make us do anything.We don'’t know how
to use this stuff.

Fred, you use lasers
in dentistry, right ?

I know what'’s goin' on !
You'’re gonna try to make thebrother hold the laser, right ?

No. My laser was a little,
itty-bitty laser.

This is a big laser.
There'’s a difference.

Glendale ?
Glendale !
No.

Can'’t they just evacuate
the bases ?

Or we can take an hour
out of our busy lives, hop
in these cool dune buggies,

pop the base with the laser,
and let the Air Force blow
the hell out of it !

You listen to me, Glendale !
Please hold yourself
there one second.

I'’m just trying to have
a moment with my friends.
Is that okay ?

Have a cup of java.
Please chill.

Fred, when you
first got here,

you were completely
freaked, right ?
Yeah.

Now look at you. Huh ?
You'’re a regular G.I. Joe.

A fightin'’ man
from head to toe !

And, Chris,
you wanted infantry.

Well, now'’s your chance.
Let'’s see what you've got.

And, Jack, my friend,
you were a complete screwup.

But now look at you.
You'’re still a screwup.

But if you did this
and you survived,

you'’d have stuff to tell
your little
screw-up grandkids.

Basically,
you guys, up to
a few months ago,

we were all a bunch
of minimum wage losers
from Glendale.

But this whole event
has changed our lives !

You know who
we owe it to ?
♪ The Army ♪

This is something
we gotta do !
Come on ! Get on with it !

- Chris,
I know you'’re with me.
- Yeah, boy.

Fred, listen,
if you can'’t handle it,
I understand, man.

I can handle it.

Jack, what do you say,
man ?

Oh, I say,
I say you'’re crazy.

I think you'’re all nuts !

But you'’re
the private first class.
I'’m the private.

And I'’m gonna follow you,
my friend, wherever.

All right, you guys,
let'’s do this thing.
Kick it, man !

Stern, you ready ?

Let'’s go, Bones !
I know, I know.

There'’s just
a little bit of business
I have to take care of.

You'’re gonna have
to go now.

You'’re gonna have to go be
all the camel that you can be.

Bye.

All right, troops !
[ Engine Revving ]

Let'’s go bust
some scuds !

♪ Hit the street runnin'’ ♪

♪ Got a plan
on your mind ♪

♪ Lookin'’ for a shelter ♪

♪ Doin'’ double overtime ♪

♪ Feel a little crazy

♪ But I won'’t be denied ♪

♪ Gotta find the time
to take her inside outside ♪

♪ Tumblin'’
in a world of swirl ♪

♪ Rumblin'’
in a world of swirl ♪

♪ In a world of swirl ♪

[ Snoring ]

[ Bones ]
All right. Glendale
to Burbank. Come in.

I wish we had
cooler code names.
What was that, Glendale ?

Nothing. I was just saying
that these code names suck.

Can I call you
General Sweet Pants ?

You better remember who
you'’re talking to, Glendale.
Are you in position ?

Guy'’s got no sense of humor.
Yeah, we can see the target.

Have you painted it
with the laser ?

[ Bones ]
Just did.

Good goin'’, Glendale.
The air strike is inbound.

You should acquire the target
in seven minutes.

It is vital that you do not
take the laser off the target
until the target is destroyed.

Can you hold it there
for seven minutes ?

I got it propped up here
on the rock ! I can hold it
all day. I'’m good to go !

No problem, Burbank.

Good ! Lay low.

And report any change
in situation.

We'’ll be standing by.
Out.

Come on !

Come on !

Tell me again
about the store.

Ah, the store.
It'’s gonna be great !

We'’re gonna have our own room
where people can get
their feet massaged--

[ Machine Gun Fire ]

Burbank !

[ Bones ]
Burbank,
we'’re under attack.

Hold your position, Glendale.
And keep that laser
on the target.

[ Bones ]
On the target ?
We are the target !

Tell '’em to hurry up !

You better hurry.We'’ve got 60 pissed-off Libyansheadin'’ towards us.

Stay with it !

Let'’s get these guys,
Jack. Okay.
Come on.

We know how
to do it.
All right.

This is for
the Glendale water boys !

Not bad, huh ?
Whoo !

[ Machine Gun Fire ]

Reload.

Turn it !

[ Grunts ]

[ Groaning ]
Shit !

They missed.
At least they didn'’t
blow up my head.

Great going, soldiers.
We knew you could do it.
Oh, Burbank ?

I'’m gonna find you the biggest
bottle of champagne in Chad !

Don'’t pop the cork yet.
The bombs missed.

The base wasn'’t hit.
You better send another
air strike and fast !

Wait one.

[ Alarm Beeping ]

[ Williams ]
Glendale ?

The back-up strike of F-111s
is being diverted
to your target.

E.T.A. three minutes.
Three minutes ?
What, are you crazy ?

We don'’t have three minutes.In three minutes we'’re gonna beshish kebabs !

We'’re under serious attack !

You'’ll have
to hold them.

Oh, shit !
Oh, my god.

You better get
the planes here sooner.
The scuds are ready to fire.

Two minutes
and 30 seconds.

Hey. Hey !
Where'’s he goin' ?

Hey ! Hey !
[ Arabic ]

All right, my man !

[ Bones ]
You stay right here.
I gotta go.

[ Arabic ]

Hey, guys
move over !

"Cock firing mechanism."

[ Williams ]
Report the situation.
Shut up.

[ Alarm Beeping ]

"Aim, set range if known
or estimate" ?

Who came up
with these directions ?
I don'’t know.

Tell me to shut up one more timeand I'’m gonna rip your spine outand use it for a putting iron !

Shut up.
I'’m not good with directions.

"Push safety and hold down."

Okay, everybody back !

"Fire by pushing trigger."

Suck on this
a-one time !

Oh. Sorry.

Last chance,
my friend.

[ Cheering ]

- Yeah !
- Yeah !

Whoo !

- Oh, man !
- [ Machine Gun Fire ]

[ Bones ]
At my signal,
everybody scream like crazy.

Make '’em think we've got
50 guys up here, okay ?

One and go !

[ Shouting, Screaming ]

We scared '’em !

[ Cheering ]

Yeah, don'’t mess with
the Glendale Reservists !

Behind you !

Two weeks a year,
one weekend a month.

We'’re the few !
We'’re the proud !

We'’re the water boys !

Bones, duck !
Get down !

[ Cheering ]

Yeah, hey.
All right, Stern.
Thanks.

Not bad for a bunch
of water boys, huh ?

No ! Soldiers !
I'’m proud of you guys.

[ Williams ]
Glendale !

You oughta be... damn
pleased with yourselves !

Congratulations.
You did an outstanding job.

It wasn'’t a job, First Sergeant.It was an adventure.

Hey ! Hey !

You'’re gonna have to go get
a blood test, Bones.
What ?

♪ Bang, and here we go

♪ Watch the road
Don'’t drive so slow ♪

♪ It takes so long
And it'’s so hard ♪

♪ There'’s a billion bones
in my backyard ♪

♪ I get excited
I get so impatient ♪

♪ It takes too long
to get back home ♪

♪ But you and I, do or die
And we'’ve only just begun ♪

♪ And I feel like havin'’ fun ♪

Have a good day.
If you need anything
come see us.

Look at that hair !
Oh, hey !

How you doin'’ ?
Real well.
Jack and Bones, huh ?

You fellas gonna be
all you can be ?

It'’s a win-win
situation ?

Ah, this is crazy, man !
No, it'’s brilliant !

It'’s just two weeks a year, man.One weekend a month.

That can'’t be right.
I swear !

Trust me.

♪ It costs too much

♪ And I talk too much

♪ It takes so long

♪ And it goes so fast

♪ I can'’t think too straight ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ And we'’ve only
just begun ♪

♪ And I feel like
havin'’ fun ♪

♪ And I swear
I'’ll be all right ♪

♪ Until the next one

♪ And we'’ve only
just begun ♪

♪ And I feel like
havin'’ fun ♪

♪ But I swear
I'’ll be all right ♪

♪ Until the next one

♪ And I start off
feeling swell ♪

♪ Pretty soon
I'’ll turn to well ♪

♪ But I swear
I'’ll be all right ♪

♪ Until the next one

♪ And I start off
doing fine ♪

♪ Pretty soon
I'’ll keep in time ♪

♪ But I swear
I'’ll be all right ♪

♪ Until the next time

♪ And I start off
doing fine ♪

♪ Pretty soon
I'’ll keep in time ♪

♪ But I swear
I'’ll be all right ♪

♪ Until the next time

♪ Until the next time

♪ Until the next time

♪ Until the next time
Until the next time ♪♪

What shall we do ?
Water purification
sounds good to me, man.