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1
00:00:06,917 --> 00:00:09,083
A man offered us
a billion dollars.
2
00:00:10,667 --> 00:00:12,959
-Bolt the doors.
-We could all go to prison.
3
00:00:13,041 --> 00:00:14,792
-Enjoy the injunction.
-(SCREAMS)
4
00:00:15,208 --> 00:00:17,333
Did you just try to punch
the wall and miss?
5
00:00:17,417 --> 00:00:19,041
No. I clipped it. I got it.
6
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:35,083
-("Only One King" playing)
-♪ And there's only one crown ♪
7
00:00:35,166 --> 00:00:38,291
♪ And there's only one king ♪
8
00:00:38,375 --> 00:00:40,583
♪ And it's looking like me ♪
9
00:00:40,667 --> 00:00:45,291
-(audience cheering)
-♪ So you better
start running ♪
10
00:00:45,375 --> 00:00:49,041
♪ So you better start running ♪
11
00:00:49,125 --> 00:00:51,375
Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
12
00:00:51,458 --> 00:00:54,041
Mr. Daniel Sloss!
13
00:00:54,125 --> 00:00:55,750
(audience cheering)
14
00:00:55,834 --> 00:00:58,125
♪ 'Cause there's
only one king ♪
15
00:00:59,375 --> 00:01:02,750
-♪ And there's only one crown ♪
-(speaks indistinctly)
16
00:01:02,834 --> 00:01:06,250
♪ And there ain't enough room
for us both on the throne ♪
17
00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:08,125
♪ So it's 'bout to go down ♪
18
00:01:08,208 --> 00:01:12,125
-(cheering continuing)
-♪ So you better
start running ♪
19
00:01:13,125 --> 00:01:15,542
♪ So you better
start running... ♪
20
00:01:15,625 --> 00:01:17,542
Hello, Sydney.
How are you?
21
00:01:17,625 --> 00:01:19,208
(audience cheering)
22
00:01:19,291 --> 00:01:21,625
Good. It's fucking
lovely to be back,
23
00:01:21,709 --> 00:01:22,750
uh, genuinely,
24
00:01:22,834 --> 00:01:24,125
that's why we're filming
this here again:
25
00:01:24,208 --> 00:01:25,834
'cause it was so good
fucking last time.
26
00:01:25,917 --> 00:01:28,083
-So, don't screw this up.
-(laughter)
27
00:01:28,166 --> 00:01:29,667
Uh, get comfortable.
28
00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:31,917
And if you're not comfortable,
don't worry about it too much.
29
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,667
I'm about to provide
plenty of material
30
00:01:33,750 --> 00:01:37,709
that's going to make most of you
very fucking uncomfortable.
31
00:01:37,792 --> 00:01:41,000
-(laughter)
-Let's crack on.
32
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,500
I love kids.
33
00:01:43,583 --> 00:01:45,875
(laughter)
34
00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:47,959
-I do.
-(laughter)
35
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,500
Love kids, love babies,
I love toddlers.
36
00:01:50,583 --> 00:01:53,291
I love tiny little children.
Love 'em.
37
00:01:54,959 --> 00:01:57,166
There should not be this much
tension in the room.
38
00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:59,125
(laughter)
39
00:01:59,208 --> 00:02:01,417
I haven't said
anything bad there.
40
00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:03,792
I said something nice,
something sweet,
something endearing,
41
00:02:03,875 --> 00:02:05,792
but most important--
something legal!
42
00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:08,417
-(laughter)
-I love kids.
43
00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:10,458
Some of you
still don't trust me.
44
00:02:10,542 --> 00:02:12,542
That's fine, I get that,
that could be my fault.
45
00:02:12,625 --> 00:02:16,542
I'm a comedian that's got
a reputation for having
a "dark" sense of humor.
46
00:02:16,625 --> 00:02:18,208
Maybe you expect me
to take that premise,
47
00:02:18,291 --> 00:02:19,667
turn it into an
offensive punchline,
48
00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:21,125
all for the sake
of shock comedy.
49
00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:23,542
I promise you that's not
gonna happen with this joke.
50
00:02:23,625 --> 00:02:24,959
(laughter)
51
00:02:25,041 --> 00:02:27,041
Maybe it's another factor
that I hadn't considered.
52
00:02:27,125 --> 00:02:28,709
Maybe it's the fact
that I'm a white man
53
00:02:28,792 --> 00:02:31,625
and we don't have the best
history with... children.
54
00:02:31,709 --> 00:02:33,083
(laughter)
55
00:02:33,166 --> 00:02:35,417
I can't say for certain.
All I know for certain
56
00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:37,875
is that whenever I proudly
declare that I love kids
57
00:02:37,959 --> 00:02:41,542
-at least half of you
fuckers go "He-he-he."
-(laughter)
58
00:02:41,625 --> 00:02:43,792
Every gig without fail,
no matter where I am.
59
00:02:43,875 --> 00:02:45,750
I love kids!
"He's gonna fuck one."
60
00:02:45,834 --> 00:02:47,959
-I'm not.
-(laughter)
61
00:02:48,041 --> 00:02:50,542
I'm not gonna fuck one.
Why would I fuck one?
62
00:02:50,625 --> 00:02:53,709
-They are not my type.
-(laughter)
63
00:02:53,792 --> 00:02:56,041
I have three younger siblings,
I've got nine younger cousins.
64
00:02:56,125 --> 00:02:59,166
From the age of two,
I've been raised around kids.
I love kids, I really do.
65
00:02:59,250 --> 00:03:03,000
And I hate the fact
that I have to qualify
my love of children.
66
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:05,667
'Cause I don't have to qualify
my love of anything else.
67
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,542
I love dogs.
68
00:03:07,625 --> 00:03:11,625
(laughter)
69
00:03:11,709 --> 00:03:13,792
None of you are like,
"He's gonna fuck a poodle!"
70
00:03:13,875 --> 00:03:16,875
-It's not...
-(laughter)
71
00:03:16,959 --> 00:03:19,709
-And I would fuck a poodle.
-(laughter)
72
00:03:19,792 --> 00:03:21,709
I absolutely would.
It's small, it's on a leash.
73
00:03:21,792 --> 00:03:25,208
-Where's it gonna go?
-(laughter)
74
00:03:26,250 --> 00:03:29,000
-I love my mom.
-(laughter)
75
00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:31,375
-Yeah.
-(laughter)
76
00:03:31,458 --> 00:03:33,875
None of you think
I'm gonna fuck her, do you?
77
00:03:33,959 --> 00:03:36,709
And I've been inside of her
and I've sucked her tits.
78
00:03:36,792 --> 00:03:39,667
(laughter)
79
00:03:39,750 --> 00:03:43,250
-Not at the same time.
-(laughter)
80
00:03:43,333 --> 00:03:46,041
That's when Dad gets jealous.
81
00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:48,458
(laughter)
82
00:03:54,208 --> 00:03:56,208
It's not good being a man
and being paternal.
83
00:03:56,291 --> 00:04:00,208
I guess if you're like--
maybe like a father,
you got kids that's cool.
84
00:04:00,291 --> 00:04:01,792
But if you've got no kids
and you love kids,
85
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:03,375
some people find it weird.
86
00:04:03,458 --> 00:04:05,417
I noticed it 'cause my friends
are having kids now,
87
00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:06,959
so I get to go and play
with their kids, you know,
88
00:04:07,041 --> 00:04:09,125
running round a park,
chasing them around the place.
89
00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:12,375
-Again, not in a creepy way.
-(laughter)
90
00:04:12,458 --> 00:04:14,583
-Well...
-(laughter)
91
00:04:14,667 --> 00:04:16,041
I mean, don't get me wrong,
on a technicality,
92
00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:18,083
I am technically
chasing them round a park
93
00:04:18,166 --> 00:04:21,250
-while they scream
and beg me to stop.
-(laughter)
94
00:04:21,333 --> 00:04:24,709
But I promise you that
that is part of the game.
95
00:04:24,792 --> 00:04:28,458
When chasing children,
hand position is very,
very important, right?
96
00:04:28,542 --> 00:04:31,125
Funny monster, actual monster.
97
00:04:31,208 --> 00:04:33,834
-There is...
-(laughter)
98
00:04:34,917 --> 00:04:37,750
There is a subtle difference
between "I'm gonna get you"
99
00:04:37,834 --> 00:04:40,834
-(screams):
and "I'm gonna get you!"
-(laughter)
100
00:04:41,583 --> 00:04:45,417
Kids are intuitive
and they can tell
the difference.
101
00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:47,000
(laughter)
102
00:04:47,709 --> 00:04:49,208
I get jealous
of women sometimes.
103
00:04:49,291 --> 00:04:51,375
Women, you're allowed
to be openly maternal
104
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,542
in ways that
I'm just not able to be.
105
00:04:53,625 --> 00:04:57,417
Women could be like,
"I was on a train the other day,
and I saw a baby,
106
00:04:57,500 --> 00:05:02,125
"So, I smiled at the baby,
and the baby smiled back.
107
00:05:02,208 --> 00:05:06,834
"And then I waved at the baby,
and the baby waved back.
108
00:05:06,917 --> 00:05:11,709
And, oh, my ovaries exploded."
109
00:05:11,792 --> 00:05:13,166
(laughter)
110
00:05:13,250 --> 00:05:17,625
"Oh, my poor explody ovaries
have done a 9/11 in my belly."
111
00:05:17,709 --> 00:05:19,291
(laughter)
112
00:05:19,375 --> 00:05:22,083
I get those exact
same emotions,
113
00:05:22,166 --> 00:05:24,500
but I'm not allowed to express
them in that way.
114
00:05:24,583 --> 00:05:27,291
-Or I go to jail!
-(laughter)
115
00:05:27,375 --> 00:05:28,750
Do you want proof of that claim?
116
00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:30,875
Fine, I have a goddaughter,
her name is Ava.
117
00:05:30,959 --> 00:05:32,417
She is two-and-a-half years old.
118
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,792
She is without a doubt
the dumbest fucking moron...
119
00:05:35,875 --> 00:05:37,625
-(laughter)
-...I have ever had the--
120
00:05:37,709 --> 00:05:40,625
Oh, man, she's thick
as shit, man.
She's so great.
121
00:05:40,709 --> 00:05:42,125
And I know there'll be
parents in the room,
122
00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:44,125
they'll be like, "Oh, Daniel,
all kids are stupid."
123
00:05:44,208 --> 00:05:47,000
Oh, I know they are.
This one takes the biscuit.
124
00:05:47,083 --> 00:05:49,917
-(laughter)
-And shoves it
in her fucking ear.
125
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,375
-She is...
-(laughter)
126
00:05:52,458 --> 00:05:56,000
She's about this big,
everything in her life
is a corner
127
00:05:56,083 --> 00:05:58,417
that exists directly
at eye height,
128
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:01,000
and she sprints in every
direction, full speed,
129
00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:02,500
without checking her periphery
130
00:06:02,583 --> 00:06:04,834
because she doesn't know
that she can die yet.
131
00:06:04,917 --> 00:06:06,834
-(laughter)
-I love her unconditionally,
132
00:06:06,917 --> 00:06:09,166
but I don't think
she's gonna make it to ten.
133
00:06:09,250 --> 00:06:12,458
-(laughter)
-It would be nice,
but it might not happen.
134
00:06:12,542 --> 00:06:14,458
She does have an older sister.
I should point that out.
135
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,166
But her older sister
is not my goddaughter,
136
00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:18,375
so I haven't learned
her fucking name.
137
00:06:18,458 --> 00:06:20,417
(laughter)
138
00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:22,667
Her parents made a shitty
decision on her behalf,
139
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,291
-and she will suffer
the consequences.
-(laughter)
140
00:06:25,375 --> 00:06:28,709
I'll play with Ava,
and Slagathor can play
with her godfather...
141
00:06:28,792 --> 00:06:31,917
-(laughter)
-...whoever he may be.
142
00:06:34,917 --> 00:06:37,458
Ava's the best, man.
She's so fun.
143
00:06:37,959 --> 00:06:39,125
Always excited to see me,
144
00:06:39,208 --> 00:06:40,625
'cause, you know,
we play games together.
145
00:06:40,709 --> 00:06:42,250
Her favorite game
in the world
is hide-and-seek.
146
00:06:42,333 --> 00:06:43,875
Uh, she thinks
I invented hide-and-seek,
147
00:06:43,959 --> 00:06:45,542
and the reason she thinks
I invented hide-and-seek
148
00:06:45,625 --> 00:06:47,792
is because I told her that
I invented hide-and-seek.
149
00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:49,041
(laughter)
150
00:06:49,125 --> 00:06:50,875
And she's the worst
hide-and-seek player.
151
00:06:50,959 --> 00:06:52,792
And I know there's
gonna be parents in the room
152
00:06:52,875 --> 00:06:54,333
who are listening to me,
be like "Oh, Daniel,
153
00:06:54,417 --> 00:06:56,375
"Of course she's bad
at hide-and-seek, all kids are.
154
00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:59,083
Let me guess, she hides
behind the curtain and giggles."
155
00:06:59,166 --> 00:07:03,917
Ha-ha.
That is a Harvard graduate
compared to my fucking moron.
156
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,458
(laughter)
157
00:07:05,542 --> 00:07:07,083
Let's just pretend
that this is just, like,
158
00:07:07,166 --> 00:07:09,041
a chair in the middle
of the living room, right?
159
00:07:09,125 --> 00:07:10,834
I'll be Ava and you be me,
160
00:07:10,917 --> 00:07:12,875
and let's see how long
it takes you to find me.
161
00:07:12,959 --> 00:07:16,041
-If indeed you can.
-(laughter)
162
00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:19,250
Allow me to just get
into character: fucking moron.
163
00:07:19,333 --> 00:07:22,125
(laughter)
164
00:07:28,875 --> 00:07:32,166
(laughter)
165
00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:40,125
-Did you find me?
-(laughter)
166
00:07:40,208 --> 00:07:42,709
Please note that
she doesn't hide like this.
167
00:07:42,792 --> 00:07:44,250
(laughter)
168
00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:48,041
She hides like this
because she likes
to maintain eye contact!
169
00:07:48,125 --> 00:07:50,834
-(laughter)
-For the duration of the game.
170
00:07:50,917 --> 00:07:52,417
Now, I love this moron.
171
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:54,417
I don't want her growing up
knowing she's a moron.
172
00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:56,917
I want her growing up
feeling confident,
so I have to call her a genius.
173
00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,959
So, I have to spend five minutes
not fucking finding her,
174
00:08:01,041 --> 00:08:02,625
which is way more difficult.
175
00:08:02,709 --> 00:08:04,166
Then, the second
I can't find her,
176
00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:06,208
she starts laughing,
now I can hear the bitch.
177
00:08:06,291 --> 00:08:08,458
-(laughter)
-That is two senses
178
00:08:08,542 --> 00:08:11,083
I can now use to work out
where in the room she might be.
179
00:08:11,166 --> 00:08:13,041
Then she gets so excited
that she shits herself.
180
00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:16,875
-Three out of five.
-(laughter)
181
00:08:17,583 --> 00:08:19,500
One of the reasons
I love her so much
182
00:08:19,583 --> 00:08:22,625
is because she's got that,
you know, that kindness
that only some toddlers have,
183
00:08:22,709 --> 00:08:24,166
just that pure kindness.
184
00:08:24,250 --> 00:08:26,500
'Cause eventually
whenever I do find her,
185
00:08:26,583 --> 00:08:29,709
-she's proud of me.
-(laughter)
186
00:08:29,792 --> 00:08:32,792
Like, I'll eventually
turn around and be like,
"Oh there you are!"
187
00:08:32,875 --> 00:08:35,834
And she's like, "How did you--?"
You were fucking there!
188
00:08:35,917 --> 00:08:37,166
(laughter)
189
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:39,667
She's so precious,
I'm gonna die.
190
00:08:40,166 --> 00:08:42,291
Her older sister, by the way,
is very good at hide-and-seek,
191
00:08:42,375 --> 00:08:44,917
but that's mainly 'cause
I never fucking look for her.
192
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,792
(laughter)
193
00:08:46,875 --> 00:08:48,542
I'll still count and tell her
she's playing,
194
00:08:48,625 --> 00:08:50,917
and then once she's gone,
she's God's problem.
195
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,083
(laughter)
196
00:08:56,917 --> 00:08:58,542
Ava sucks at seeking as well.
197
00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:01,041
She sucks at both halves
of the game, right?
198
00:09:01,125 --> 00:09:02,834
The last time when I was
round visiting her,
199
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,542
we were playing hide-and-seek,
she looked in a drawer.
200
00:09:05,625 --> 00:09:08,417
(laughter)
201
00:09:09,166 --> 00:09:11,709
It was the one and only
place she looked.
202
00:09:11,792 --> 00:09:14,000
She walked into the kitchen
confident as fuck.
203
00:09:14,083 --> 00:09:17,875
She was like, "If I know
my godfather, and I think I do,
204
00:09:17,959 --> 00:09:19,917
he'll be in the knife drawer."
205
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,000
(laughter)
206
00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:24,125
"That's where I would be."
207
00:09:24,208 --> 00:09:25,834
She opened up the knife drawer,
I wasn't in there,
208
00:09:25,917 --> 00:09:28,875
she forgot she was playing,
and then she fucked off.
209
00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:30,333
(laughter)
210
00:09:30,417 --> 00:09:32,542
Just me and her sister
hiding under a table.
211
00:09:32,625 --> 00:09:34,709
Like, "What the fuck
is this shit?"
212
00:09:34,792 --> 00:09:36,583
Her sister was like,
"Annoying, isn't it?"
213
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:40,959
-Shut your whore mouth!
I fucking swear to God.
-(laughter)
214
00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:45,583
Love being a god-dad,
love being a god-dad.
215
00:09:45,667 --> 00:09:47,667
Uh, it's good fun.
I don't see--
216
00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:50,083
I feel guilty sometimes
'cause, I travel a lot
with this job.
217
00:09:50,166 --> 00:09:51,834
I don't see Ava
as much as I'd like to.
218
00:09:51,917 --> 00:09:54,667
So, whenever I do, I spoil her
just so she still loves me.
219
00:09:54,750 --> 00:09:57,375
Not with like treats and stuff,
like, you know, physical things.
220
00:09:57,458 --> 00:09:58,792
I like to take her
on experiences
221
00:09:58,875 --> 00:10:00,750
so she's got positive
memories of me there.
222
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:04,083
So, I always take her to farms
'cause she loves horses,
they blow her mind,
223
00:10:04,166 --> 00:10:06,542
and she loves feeding them,
and the last time
we were feeding horses--
224
00:10:06,625 --> 00:10:08,500
Her dad trusts me
'cause I'm a good god-dad,
225
00:10:08,583 --> 00:10:10,542
and he's like, "Can you look
after her for five minutes,
226
00:10:10,625 --> 00:10:12,750
-and don't fuck this up?"
-And I was like... (scoffs).
227
00:10:12,834 --> 00:10:15,250
-And then...
-(laughter)
228
00:10:15,333 --> 00:10:18,250
...while he was at the toilet,
I took my special time with her
229
00:10:18,333 --> 00:10:20,542
to just teach her
just how to, uh...
230
00:10:22,166 --> 00:10:24,458
(laughter)
231
00:10:24,542 --> 00:10:28,291
Not to people.
Never, never to people.
232
00:10:28,375 --> 00:10:30,750
-Just to horses.
-(laughter)
233
00:10:30,834 --> 00:10:34,041
I looked my two-year-old
goddaughter in her
perfect blue eyes,
234
00:10:34,125 --> 00:10:37,667
and I said, "Ava, this means
I love you horsey."
235
00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:40,041
(laughter)
236
00:10:40,125 --> 00:10:43,041
Why? Because
who's the victim?
237
00:10:43,792 --> 00:10:45,750
There isn't one.
I've triple-checked.
238
00:10:45,834 --> 00:10:47,333
She doesn't know
what she's doing.
239
00:10:47,417 --> 00:10:50,667
All she knows is that
I am crying with laughter.
240
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:53,083
The horse doesn't know
it's offended.
241
00:10:53,166 --> 00:10:55,291
-It's a fucking horse.
-(laughter)
242
00:10:55,375 --> 00:10:59,959
And now she thinks that
is what you do to horses.
243
00:11:00,041 --> 00:11:02,291
And it is never not funny.
244
00:11:02,375 --> 00:11:05,792
Nobody in this room has
the ability to watch
245
00:11:05,875 --> 00:11:08,917
a two-year-old flip off
every horse she sees,
246
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:13,083
and go "No, I don't understand
why that's amusing."
247
00:11:13,166 --> 00:11:15,083
-(laughter)
-It gets funnier every time,
248
00:11:15,166 --> 00:11:16,834
'cause you see the horses
before she does
249
00:11:16,917 --> 00:11:18,875
and you know it's coming.
250
00:11:18,959 --> 00:11:22,500
Her dad still sends me
videos of her being driven
past fields of horses,
251
00:11:22,583 --> 00:11:25,125
and she's just like "Horses!"
252
00:11:25,208 --> 00:11:27,875
-So good!
-(laughter)
253
00:11:27,959 --> 00:11:29,709
Why would you not want
that in your life
254
00:11:29,792 --> 00:11:32,333
at every available opportunity?
255
00:11:32,417 --> 00:11:34,667
Free serotonin!
256
00:11:34,750 --> 00:11:37,583
(laughter)
257
00:11:39,583 --> 00:11:42,500
I love spoiling her.
I shouldn't do it,
but I love doing it.
258
00:11:42,583 --> 00:11:45,792
Be a Tuesday night at
like 9 p.m., I'll be visiting,
259
00:11:45,875 --> 00:11:48,667
I'll be like,
Ava, do you want some ice cream?
260
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,208
She'll be like, "Mum says
I'm not allowed any ice cream."
261
00:11:51,291 --> 00:11:54,208
I went to high school with
your mother and I've seen
her get fingered.
262
00:11:54,291 --> 00:11:58,834
-You can get some
fucking ice cream.
-(laughter)
263
00:12:03,291 --> 00:12:05,375
You let me deal with mommy bear.
264
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:08,166
-Okay?
-(laughter)
265
00:12:14,125 --> 00:12:15,625
I also hate saying
goodbye to her,
266
00:12:15,709 --> 00:12:17,875
'cause it makes her sad
and I don't like seeing her sad.
267
00:12:17,959 --> 00:12:21,959
-So, I just leave.
-(laughter)
268
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:23,917
Last time I left,
I grabbed my suitcase--
269
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,625
I was visiting her
before I came on this trip--
and, uh, grabbed my suitcase.
270
00:12:26,709 --> 00:12:29,000
Now she must've remembered
the last time that I left
with a suitcase
271
00:12:29,083 --> 00:12:31,000
that she didn't see me
for a couple of months.
272
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:32,417
'Cause the second
I grabbed the handle,
273
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:33,834
she stopped what she was doing,
274
00:12:33,917 --> 00:12:35,458
she ran as fast as she could
across the living room,
275
00:12:35,542 --> 00:12:37,458
just daring any table
to end her life.
276
00:12:37,542 --> 00:12:40,417
-(laughter)
-By some miracle she got to me,
277
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:41,750
she wraps her arms
around my legs,
278
00:12:41,834 --> 00:12:43,583
she squeezed as tightly
as she possibly could,
279
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:45,500
and she looked up
and she said "Bye, Dan-Dan."
280
00:12:45,583 --> 00:12:49,291
She calls me Dan-Dan.
"Bye, Dan-Dan. Love you."
281
00:12:50,583 --> 00:12:52,500
And my balls exploded.
282
00:12:52,583 --> 00:12:57,333
(laughter and applause)
283
00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:02,125
-Why is that different?
-(laughter)
284
00:13:02,208 --> 00:13:05,083
It's the exact same sentiment!
285
00:13:05,166 --> 00:13:07,500
That's also where
they come from!
286
00:13:07,583 --> 00:13:09,333
(laughter)
287
00:13:10,583 --> 00:13:12,291
Everyday sexism.
288
00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:15,250
(laughter)
289
00:13:18,875 --> 00:13:21,709
I want to be a dad, not yet.
I know I'm not ready
to be a dad.
290
00:13:21,792 --> 00:13:25,500
If you want proof of that,
listen to the last
fucking joke I told.
291
00:13:26,542 --> 00:13:29,291
I want to have daughters.
I just think I'd be better
with daughters,
292
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:30,959
because I've got
two younger brothers
293
00:13:31,041 --> 00:13:33,667
and I spent most of my life just
beating the shit out of them
294
00:13:33,750 --> 00:13:35,667
'cause that's what you do
as a big brother.
295
00:13:35,750 --> 00:13:37,250
I'm nice to them now
but, you know,
296
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:39,291
I've just never learned
how to be nice to boys.
297
00:13:39,375 --> 00:13:42,291
'Cause after my sister died,
I had two younger cousins--
female cousins turn up,
298
00:13:42,375 --> 00:13:44,834
and I really sort of
attached myself to them.
I was really nice to them.
299
00:13:44,917 --> 00:13:47,291
So I'm just-- I'm just worried
that that will sort of actually
300
00:13:47,375 --> 00:13:49,208
manifest themselves
into my fatherhood.
301
00:13:49,291 --> 00:13:51,333
Like, I'll have a daughter
and I'll be like,
"You're the best, I love you."
302
00:13:51,417 --> 00:13:53,500
My son'll turn up,
I'm like, "You can fuck off."
303
00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,500
-And...
-(laughter)
304
00:13:55,583 --> 00:13:58,083
I'm very aware that
that is a me problem.
305
00:13:58,166 --> 00:14:00,750
-And... I am working on it.
-(laughter)
306
00:14:00,834 --> 00:14:02,667
I think it's called
toxic masculinity.
307
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:05,375
Now, I don't know much
about toxic masculinity.
308
00:14:05,458 --> 00:14:06,750
First I heard of it
was last year.
309
00:14:06,834 --> 00:14:08,417
One of my friends she said
to me, she was like,
310
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:10,291
"Do you know
that you're a toxic man?"
311
00:14:10,375 --> 00:14:13,250
and I was like, hmm,
doesn't sound like me,
you dumb bitch.
312
00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:16,000
(laughter)
313
00:14:16,083 --> 00:14:17,458
Why don't you speak
when spoken to?
314
00:14:17,542 --> 00:14:20,542
-How about that?
That sound good?
-(laughter)
315
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:22,417
(Daniel chuckles)
316
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,375
And then I read a bunch
of articles about it,
317
00:14:24,458 --> 00:14:28,333
and I was like, oh boy!
Fucking oh-ho-ho!
318
00:14:28,417 --> 00:14:31,208
-Somebody's been following me.
-(laughter)
319
00:14:31,291 --> 00:14:35,000
-I'm not gonna change,
but at least I'm self-aware.
-(laughter)
320
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:37,375
And that's half the battle.
321
00:14:37,458 --> 00:14:39,542
But not the half that matters.
322
00:14:39,625 --> 00:14:41,959
(laughter)
323
00:14:42,750 --> 00:14:44,583
First became aware of it
when my friend, she said to me,
324
00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:46,709
she was like, "You know, you're
quite bad with your emotions."
325
00:14:46,792 --> 00:14:48,875
And I was like, "No, I'm not.
You're bad with your emotions,
326
00:14:48,959 --> 00:14:51,583
because I know
when you're having them."
327
00:14:51,667 --> 00:14:54,250
(laughter)
328
00:14:54,333 --> 00:14:57,417
I just don't think my emotions
are anyone else's responsibility
329
00:14:57,500 --> 00:14:59,750
other than for my own.
So if I have a negative emotion,
330
00:14:59,834 --> 00:15:01,709
I'll just bottle it up
and keep it to myself.
331
00:15:01,792 --> 00:15:03,375
And, apparently,
that's quite unhealthy.
332
00:15:03,458 --> 00:15:05,375
And turns out
I also do the same
333
00:15:05,458 --> 00:15:07,041
with positive emotions
a lot of the time,
334
00:15:07,125 --> 00:15:09,083
and I just come across
as a miserable bastard.
335
00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:11,083
And I don't want that, man.
336
00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:14,542
I want my friends that I love
to know that I love them.
337
00:15:14,625 --> 00:15:16,458
I don't wanna be one of those
fucking closed up people.
338
00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:20,000
So I'm trying to, you know, get
better at saying nice things,
339
00:15:20,083 --> 00:15:24,000
but it's tough when
you're just not, you know,
fucking used to it.
340
00:15:24,083 --> 00:15:26,041
Like, to the men in the room,
341
00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:28,333
if you're anything like me
and you're struggling
with your emotions--
342
00:15:28,417 --> 00:15:29,917
I do recommend you get
in touch with them.
343
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,375
'Cause it's not like
having a super power,
344
00:15:32,458 --> 00:15:36,500
but it is like having
every other man's kryptonite.
345
00:15:36,583 --> 00:15:39,208
Like, you can ruin
any man's day with emotions
346
00:15:39,291 --> 00:15:41,000
and it's the most fun
you'll ever have.
347
00:15:41,083 --> 00:15:43,166
Women, I finally
understand your games.
348
00:15:43,250 --> 00:15:45,250
-Like...
-(laughter)
349
00:15:45,333 --> 00:15:46,583
Next time you're with
one of your guy friends,
350
00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:49,166
if you want to fuck up
his whole afternoon,
351
00:15:49,250 --> 00:15:51,041
like really throw him
into disarray,
352
00:15:51,125 --> 00:15:54,083
look him dead in the eyes
and tell him that you love him.
353
00:15:54,166 --> 00:15:56,083
(laughter)
354
00:15:56,166 --> 00:15:59,917
-And just watch him not
be able to process that...
-(laughter)
355
00:16:00,041 --> 00:16:02,917
...with any level of maturity.
356
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,041
Hey, Mark, I love you.
357
00:16:06,375 --> 00:16:09,542
(laughter)
358
00:16:10,083 --> 00:16:12,291
-"Why?"
-(laughter)
359
00:16:12,375 --> 00:16:14,542
You're one of my close friends,
I love you.
360
00:16:16,166 --> 00:16:19,333
-"Are-- are you dying?"
-(laughter)
361
00:16:19,417 --> 00:16:20,709
No. "Am I dying?"
362
00:16:20,792 --> 00:16:22,834
-Why would I know that?
-(laughter)
363
00:16:22,917 --> 00:16:25,458
"Are you trying to fuck me?"
No, I'm not trying to fuck you!
364
00:16:25,542 --> 00:16:26,792
"Yes you are.
If you love something,
365
00:16:26,875 --> 00:16:29,291
you fuck it.
You know the rules."
366
00:16:29,375 --> 00:16:31,458
(laughter)
367
00:16:31,542 --> 00:16:33,792
It's cliché to say,
women, you're better
with your emotions,
368
00:16:33,875 --> 00:16:35,291
but generally
you sort of tend to be.
369
00:16:35,375 --> 00:16:37,208
You create positive experiences
with each other,
370
00:16:37,291 --> 00:16:38,625
you're very kind to each other.
371
00:16:38,709 --> 00:16:40,375
I love watching women
compliment each other.
372
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,875
Sincerely, I find it
very empowering.
373
00:16:42,959 --> 00:16:44,500
Especially if
they're shit-faced.
374
00:16:44,583 --> 00:16:47,125
-(laughter)
-There is nothing better
375
00:16:47,208 --> 00:16:49,250
than two drunk women
at 3 a.m. being like,
376
00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:52,500
"Oh my God, Sarah,
I absolutely love your tits!"
377
00:16:52,583 --> 00:16:55,625
"Shut up, Jessica.
I would cut off my tits
and give them to you
378
00:16:55,709 --> 00:16:58,917
if I could have a day in that."
(kissing)
379
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,375
(laughter)
380
00:17:00,458 --> 00:17:02,125
It's very, very empowering.
381
00:17:02,208 --> 00:17:04,625
And you're not really allowed
to do that as a man.
382
00:17:04,709 --> 00:17:06,917
Just, "Hey, Steve, nice dick!"
Doesn't work.
383
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,000
(laughter)
384
00:17:09,083 --> 00:17:10,417
Doesn't work
and that's a real shame,
385
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:12,583
'cause Steve's got
a real nice dick.
386
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,917
He's got a real nice dick
and he won't let me
see it anymore.
387
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,208
(laughter)
388
00:17:20,417 --> 00:17:23,667
-(laughter)
-(Daniel chuckles)
389
00:17:25,917 --> 00:17:27,583
So, you know,
I'm trying to, you know...
390
00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:29,750
I'm trying to read
a bit more about it.
391
00:17:29,834 --> 00:17:31,792
It's a bit tough reading
about toxic masculinity,
392
00:17:31,875 --> 00:17:35,041
because in all honesty,
I like being a man
and I think it's fun,
393
00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:38,000
and up until now, like, I didn't
realize any of it was shit.
394
00:17:38,083 --> 00:17:40,083
'Cause for me,
all masculinity means to me
395
00:17:40,166 --> 00:17:42,083
is it's just me
and ten of my friends
396
00:17:42,166 --> 00:17:44,208
drinking until one of us dies.
397
00:17:44,291 --> 00:17:47,083
And the one that does die,
we won't attend his funeral,
398
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:49,417
because he died like a bitch
and we don't honor bitches.
399
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:51,166
(laughter)
400
00:17:51,250 --> 00:17:53,542
I don't know how you expect
me to pay my respects
401
00:17:53,625 --> 00:17:55,542
to a man that can't
handle the sesh.
402
00:17:55,625 --> 00:17:57,458
-That's not something...
-(laughter)
403
00:17:57,542 --> 00:17:59,208
...I have within my repertoire.
404
00:17:59,291 --> 00:18:01,709
Like, what do you want
me to do at his funeral?
405
00:18:01,792 --> 00:18:03,083
Pour a drink out in his grave?
406
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,875
Be like, "Still can't
handle it, can you cunt?"
407
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,125
-(laughter)
-Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
408
00:18:07,208 --> 00:18:09,875
-(spits)
-(laughter)
409
00:18:09,959 --> 00:18:12,417
-Your father was a pussy.
-(laughter)
410
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:15,375
-(spits)
-(laughter)
411
00:18:20,542 --> 00:18:24,750
I feel like there's
a lot of shit that's
not toxic masculinity
412
00:18:24,834 --> 00:18:27,291
that's currently being thrown
under the toxic masculinity bus.
413
00:18:27,375 --> 00:18:29,000
I see it happen
on Twitter a lot.
414
00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:31,500
People say like, "This is what
toxic masculinity looks like."
415
00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:34,417
I'm like, no, no, no, that's
just a thing that cunts do.
416
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:35,750
(laughter)
417
00:18:35,834 --> 00:18:37,709
Now, I'm both
a toxic man and a cunt
418
00:18:37,792 --> 00:18:40,458
-and I'm willing
to give up one of those.
-(laughter)
419
00:18:40,542 --> 00:18:43,208
Here's a thing that I do not
think is exclusive to men.
420
00:18:43,291 --> 00:18:48,834
I think bullying is
one of the funnest things
in the entire world.
421
00:18:48,917 --> 00:18:51,041
Now, allow me
to clarify that statement
422
00:18:51,125 --> 00:18:54,291
for all of you nerds currently
getting PTSD flashbacks...
423
00:18:54,375 --> 00:18:55,625
(laughter)
424
00:18:55,709 --> 00:18:58,375
...to the wedgies you rightfully
received in high school.
425
00:18:58,458 --> 00:19:01,625
When I say bullying, I do not
mean in any way, shape, or form,
426
00:19:01,709 --> 00:19:03,792
bullying someone society deems
weaker or less than you,
427
00:19:03,875 --> 00:19:07,041
and I especially don't mean
ganging up on somebody
you hate or dislike.
428
00:19:07,125 --> 00:19:08,709
I mean bullying your friends.
429
00:19:08,792 --> 00:19:11,875
I think there is
no higher form of love
430
00:19:11,959 --> 00:19:13,667
available as a human being
431
00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:15,792
than staring your best friend
dead in the eyes
432
00:19:15,875 --> 00:19:18,041
and just destroying
every life decision
433
00:19:18,125 --> 00:19:21,542
they have ever made
up until that moment in time,
434
00:19:21,625 --> 00:19:23,250
with no mercy, no remorse.
435
00:19:23,333 --> 00:19:25,291
And the entire time,
they're just sat there
being like,
436
00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:27,291
"My turn soon, cunt.
See if I give a shit."
437
00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,542
(laughter)
438
00:19:29,625 --> 00:19:32,166
"Think you're perfect
do you, princess?"
439
00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:33,500
(laughter)
440
00:19:33,583 --> 00:19:35,333
And that's not
exclusive to men.
441
00:19:35,417 --> 00:19:38,500
If you're anything like me,
which I'm going to assume
most of you are
442
00:19:38,583 --> 00:19:41,667
-since this is how you
choose to spend your time...
-(laughter)
443
00:19:41,750 --> 00:19:44,458
...you're quite a nice
person consciously.
444
00:19:44,542 --> 00:19:45,875
It's an active decision.
445
00:19:45,959 --> 00:19:49,750
But your internal monologue
is the most barbaric roast
446
00:19:49,834 --> 00:19:52,583
of any human being
that has the audacity
447
00:19:52,667 --> 00:19:55,458
-to walk into
your field of vision.
-(laughter)
448
00:19:55,542 --> 00:19:57,000
It's not even
a conscious thing.
449
00:19:57,083 --> 00:19:58,375
You're just walking
down the street,
being like,
450
00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:00,208
"I'm in a good mood."
And your brain's like,
451
00:20:00,291 --> 00:20:04,417
"Wrong. Cunt, cunt, cunt,
ugly baby, shit dog."
452
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:07,208
-And you're like...
-(laughter)
453
00:20:08,417 --> 00:20:11,583
-"Why am I like this?"
-(laughter)
454
00:20:11,667 --> 00:20:14,875
-"Who hurt me?"
-(laughter)
455
00:20:14,959 --> 00:20:16,208
I would never ever, ever, ever
456
00:20:16,291 --> 00:20:19,166
say any of these
horrible thoughts out loud.
457
00:20:20,041 --> 00:20:22,000
But I do know five cunts
who would love them!
458
00:20:22,083 --> 00:20:25,792
-Group chat! And then...
-(laughter)
459
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:29,875
I'm in a WhatsApp group
with ten male comedians,
460
00:20:29,959 --> 00:20:32,333
-so yeah.
-(laughter)
461
00:20:32,417 --> 00:20:35,417
-Our banter is unforgivable.
-(laughter)
462
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:38,542
I say genuinely
career-ending things
463
00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:40,792
in that group every single day,
464
00:20:40,875 --> 00:20:43,792
and all for the sake of getting
three cry-face laugh emojis.
465
00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:45,625
(laughter)
466
00:20:45,709 --> 00:20:49,458
-Is it worth it? You're goddamn
fucking right it's worth it.
-(laughter)
467
00:20:49,542 --> 00:20:50,709
Couple months ago in our group,
468
00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:53,000
one of our closest friends,
his dog died,
469
00:20:53,083 --> 00:20:55,583
which is obviously devastating.
470
00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:58,542
But not as devastating
as the memes we made.
471
00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:01,375
(audience groans, laughs)
472
00:21:02,125 --> 00:21:04,583
He didn't even tell us
his dog was dead,
473
00:21:04,667 --> 00:21:06,500
'cause he knew
we'd make fun of him.
474
00:21:06,583 --> 00:21:10,000
We had to find out from
his wife's Facebook page.
475
00:21:10,083 --> 00:21:11,750
She did a sad
little post about it,
476
00:21:11,834 --> 00:21:13,250
we all screen grabbed it,
put it in the group.
477
00:21:13,333 --> 00:21:16,917
-We're like, "Hi,
is your dog dead?"
-(laughter)
478
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,917
And he was like "Yeah,"
and we were like,
479
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,250
"Aah! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
480
00:21:22,333 --> 00:21:24,583
That'll teach you
to love something!"
481
00:21:24,667 --> 00:21:26,583
(laughter)
482
00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:28,166
And then we made fun
of his dead dog for an hour.
483
00:21:28,250 --> 00:21:30,917
Now, the reason we made
fun of his dead dog
484
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:32,500
isn't 'cause we were glad
the dog was dead.
485
00:21:32,583 --> 00:21:35,959
We loved that dog.
He was such a good dog.
I miss that dog.
486
00:21:36,041 --> 00:21:38,959
The reason we made fun of
his dead dog isn't because
we find dead dogs funny.
487
00:21:39,041 --> 00:21:41,709
Very rarely do we find
dead dogs funny.
488
00:21:41,792 --> 00:21:43,291
The reason we made
fun of his dead dog
489
00:21:43,375 --> 00:21:46,458
is for the same reason that
most people make horrible jokes
490
00:21:46,542 --> 00:21:47,959
after something bad happens.
491
00:21:48,041 --> 00:21:49,208
And it's not
because they're evil,
492
00:21:49,291 --> 00:21:50,458
and it's not
because they're malicious,
493
00:21:50,542 --> 00:21:51,792
and it's not
because they're heartless.
494
00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:54,750
It's because the joke
pops in to your head.
495
00:21:54,834 --> 00:21:56,625
-And that's it.
-(laughter)
496
00:21:56,709 --> 00:21:59,750
Something bad happens,
and you go, "Oh, no!"
497
00:21:59,834 --> 00:22:01,792
And your brain goes,
"Say this, though."
498
00:22:01,875 --> 00:22:05,208
-(laughter)
-And that's it.
499
00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:08,000
And if you don't say the joke,
it's not like it fucks off.
500
00:22:08,083 --> 00:22:10,709
It just sits there getting
funnier and funnier
501
00:22:10,792 --> 00:22:13,458
and funnier and funnier
and it begins to rot your brain,
502
00:22:13,542 --> 00:22:15,041
and that's how
you get brain cancer.
503
00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:18,834
-I am a scientist. It's...
-(laughter)
504
00:22:18,917 --> 00:22:20,333
It's like having diarrhea,
505
00:22:20,417 --> 00:22:23,333
-holding it in
doesn't achieve anything.
-(laughter)
506
00:22:23,417 --> 00:22:24,917
You just have to admit
that you're unwell
507
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,417
and be like, "I'm very sorry.
I'm incredibly sick.
508
00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:29,166
"I have to get this
out of my system,
509
00:22:29,250 --> 00:22:30,959
otherwise I might explode."
510
00:22:31,041 --> 00:22:32,500
-(screams)
-(laughter)
511
00:22:32,583 --> 00:22:35,333
"Thank you for your patience.
Sorry for your loss."
512
00:22:35,417 --> 00:22:36,834
(laughter)
513
00:22:36,917 --> 00:22:40,458
So, we spend an hour just making
silly jokes about his dead dog.
514
00:22:40,542 --> 00:22:42,750
I say "we."
I didn't.
515
00:22:42,834 --> 00:22:44,500
(laughter)
516
00:22:44,583 --> 00:22:46,375
I spent 45 minutes of that hour
517
00:22:46,458 --> 00:22:48,166
very carefully
photoshopping an image
518
00:22:48,250 --> 00:22:53,583
-of Thanos clicking
his fingers and his dog...
-(laughter)
519
00:22:53,667 --> 00:22:56,875
...disappearing from the arms
of his four-year-old daughter.
520
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:01,125
-And...
-(laughter and applause)
521
00:23:02,709 --> 00:23:05,208
You'll-- you'll never
convince me that
522
00:23:05,291 --> 00:23:08,959
that's not the funniest
thing I've ever done
in my goddamn life.
523
00:23:09,959 --> 00:23:12,375
Five cry-face laugh emojis
from all my boys.
524
00:23:12,458 --> 00:23:14,875
I bowled a perfect game.
You never see that.
525
00:23:14,959 --> 00:23:17,208
-Never happens.
-(laughter)
526
00:23:17,291 --> 00:23:18,583
But eventually,
at the end of the hour,
527
00:23:18,667 --> 00:23:20,834
all the horrible jokes were
out of our system.
528
00:23:20,917 --> 00:23:22,000
I was straight in.
529
00:23:22,083 --> 00:23:23,750
I was like, hey man,
we hope you're okay.
530
00:23:23,834 --> 00:23:25,709
We hope the kids are okay,
and we hope you know
we're just joking.
531
00:23:25,792 --> 00:23:28,834
And he was straight in.
He was like, "Don't fucking
condescend to me."
532
00:23:28,917 --> 00:23:31,083
-(laughter)
-"I'm very aware
they were just jokes.
533
00:23:31,166 --> 00:23:32,875
"I appreciate your attempts
to cheer me up.
534
00:23:32,959 --> 00:23:34,542
They did work.
I love you, boys."
535
00:23:34,625 --> 00:23:38,333
-And we were like, "Ew!"
And then...
-(laughter)
536
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,417
And I was like, can I ask
how the dog died?
537
00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:42,625
He was like, "Yeah man, we just,
we had to get it put down."
538
00:23:42,709 --> 00:23:44,333
I'm like, man, I'm genuinely
sorry to hear that.
539
00:23:44,417 --> 00:23:46,417
Having a dog put down,
it's a horrible thing
to go through.
540
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:49,625
All jokes aside, why did you
have to get the dog put down?
541
00:23:49,709 --> 00:23:53,250
"Oh, it was showing
signs of dementia."
(snickers)
542
00:23:53,333 --> 00:23:57,291
(laughter)
543
00:24:00,875 --> 00:24:03,834
(laughter)
544
00:24:06,166 --> 00:24:08,750
-Boys, come back.
-(laughter)
545
00:24:08,834 --> 00:24:12,875
-No, it gets so much better.
It gets way better.
-(laughter)
546
00:24:12,959 --> 00:24:16,542
I'm sorry.
Dogs get dementia?
547
00:24:16,625 --> 00:24:19,750
-"Yeah they do, Daniel.
It's pretty serious."
-(Daniel snickers)
548
00:24:19,834 --> 00:24:21,291
(laughter)
549
00:24:21,375 --> 00:24:24,291
Can you just--
can you--? I'll ask!
550
00:24:24,375 --> 00:24:26,291
(laughter)
551
00:24:26,375 --> 00:24:30,750
-Can you just describe
the first symptom please?
-(laughter)
552
00:24:30,834 --> 00:24:34,125
I just-- I really just need
to understand the moment
when you realized
553
00:24:34,208 --> 00:24:38,959
that your dog had
the human disease dementia.
554
00:24:39,041 --> 00:24:41,041
Just talk me through that.
What was that like?
555
00:24:41,125 --> 00:24:42,542
"I'm gonna take
the dog for a walk."
556
00:24:42,625 --> 00:24:45,458
(meows)
"Oh, that's fucked!"
557
00:24:45,542 --> 00:24:47,709
(laughter)
558
00:24:49,458 --> 00:24:51,458
(whispers):
"I think it's best we kill it."
559
00:24:51,542 --> 00:24:54,583
-(laughter)
-(mouthing)
560
00:24:56,125 --> 00:24:59,542
(laughter)
561
00:25:05,208 --> 00:25:08,125
-(laughter)
-(Daniel chuckles)
562
00:25:11,166 --> 00:25:13,709
I didn't realize that
the male ego was fragile.
563
00:25:13,792 --> 00:25:15,709
Like, I'm quite
a confident person,
564
00:25:15,792 --> 00:25:18,542
and I always thought that was
quite a fucking strong thing
that I was secure in.
565
00:25:18,625 --> 00:25:20,625
And then I was just
in a conversation
with a bunch of girls,
566
00:25:20,709 --> 00:25:24,417
and one of them was like,
"Fucking hell, the male ego
is so fragile!"
567
00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:25,875
And I was like, no, it's not!
568
00:25:25,959 --> 00:25:28,000
-Oh, there it is.
-(laughter)
569
00:25:28,083 --> 00:25:30,875
-Ah, I see.
-(laughter)
570
00:25:30,959 --> 00:25:34,250
-I'm the problem.
-(laughter)
571
00:25:34,333 --> 00:25:37,959
To me, like, masculinity it's--
it's the caveman in our brain
572
00:25:38,041 --> 00:25:40,125
that we've not been able
to breed out through evolution.
573
00:25:40,208 --> 00:25:41,667
Evolution is an incredibly
slow process,
574
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:45,208
so we still have some instincts
that are so fucking ancient.
575
00:25:45,291 --> 00:25:47,125
Like, if you take a baby--
like a brand-new baby,
576
00:25:47,208 --> 00:25:49,625
a freshly squeezed baby
straight from the tree...
577
00:25:49,709 --> 00:25:51,291
(laughter)
578
00:25:51,375 --> 00:25:54,291
...if you press
the palm of its hand,
it will instinctively close.
579
00:25:54,375 --> 00:25:56,709
This reaction exists from
when we used to be apes
580
00:25:56,792 --> 00:25:58,000
and our mothers
used to have fur,
581
00:25:58,083 --> 00:25:59,709
and that's how we'd
hold on to our mothers
582
00:25:59,792 --> 00:26:00,959
as she swung from tree to tree.
583
00:26:01,041 --> 00:26:03,458
That reaction is still
like a baby's now.
584
00:26:03,542 --> 00:26:06,041
So, there's a lot
of stuff in there that
we don't need anymore,
585
00:26:06,125 --> 00:26:07,375
'cause we're not
hunter-gatherers.
586
00:26:07,458 --> 00:26:08,875
We don't need fight or flight,
587
00:26:08,959 --> 00:26:11,041
for an example,
as a reaction to things.
588
00:26:11,125 --> 00:26:14,250
It's a very archaic way
of dealing with modern problems,
but it's still in there.
589
00:26:14,333 --> 00:26:17,041
As a man you have
to learn to not listen
590
00:26:17,125 --> 00:26:19,041
to a lot of
the caveman instincts,
591
00:26:19,125 --> 00:26:21,083
because this isn't
the smart caveman.
592
00:26:21,166 --> 00:26:23,250
This isn't the one
that discovered fire.
593
00:26:23,333 --> 00:26:25,917
This is the one
that worked out it was hot.
594
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,750
-Like...
-(laughter)
595
00:26:27,834 --> 00:26:31,458
-He shouldn't be running
the ship at any point.
-(laughter)
596
00:26:31,542 --> 00:26:33,417
I'm slowly coming to terms
with my caveman nature
597
00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:36,417
of understanding his bullshit
reactions to things.
598
00:26:36,500 --> 00:26:38,417
He sees masculine
things as strong
599
00:26:38,500 --> 00:26:39,834
and feminine things as weak.
600
00:26:39,917 --> 00:26:42,583
And for most of my life,
it stopped me doing things
601
00:26:42,667 --> 00:26:44,000
that society deemed feminine.
602
00:26:44,083 --> 00:26:47,041
And it's such a fucking pathetic
way to deal with things.
603
00:26:47,125 --> 00:26:48,792
And I'm getting better at it
and I want to,
604
00:26:48,875 --> 00:26:51,250
'cause there's a lot of shit
that society deems feminine
605
00:26:51,333 --> 00:26:54,250
-that I fucking want.
-(laughter)
606
00:26:54,333 --> 00:26:56,709
For example, ladies you, uh...
607
00:26:56,792 --> 00:26:58,959
you get to go
to the bathroom together.
608
00:26:59,041 --> 00:27:01,583
(laughter)
609
00:27:01,667 --> 00:27:03,667
-I want that.
-(laughter)
610
00:27:03,750 --> 00:27:05,458
And it's nothing
you can give us.
611
00:27:05,542 --> 00:27:07,458
You as a gender,
you have decided that you go
to the bathroom together,
612
00:27:07,542 --> 00:27:09,834
'cause of course you do.
It makes perfect sense
to do it that way.
613
00:27:09,917 --> 00:27:12,417
Men, for some reason, we insist
on going to the toilet alone.
614
00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:16,166
And nobody has ever been able
to rationally explain to me why.
615
00:27:16,250 --> 00:27:18,250
Have you ever seen women
going to the toilet together?
616
00:27:18,333 --> 00:27:20,625
-Like, it's fucking incredible!
-(laughter)
617
00:27:20,709 --> 00:27:22,959
They'll just be sat there
drinking cocktails,
618
00:27:23,041 --> 00:27:25,542
talking about science--
hashtag feminism.
619
00:27:25,625 --> 00:27:27,959
-(laughter)
-And then...
halfway through,
620
00:27:28,041 --> 00:27:30,333
one of them will just go,
"I'm going to go to the toilet."
621
00:27:30,417 --> 00:27:34,625
And immediately three
of her friends will go,
"Ah! We'll come too!"
622
00:27:34,709 --> 00:27:36,125
And they get up, and they skip,
623
00:27:36,208 --> 00:27:38,250
and they link arms, it's like
the start of The Hobbit.
624
00:27:38,333 --> 00:27:40,625
-It's beautiful!
-(laughter)
625
00:27:40,709 --> 00:27:41,959
Yet when I want to take a piss,
626
00:27:42,041 --> 00:27:43,917
I gotta do a goddamn
Frodo solo mission.
627
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,375
It makes so much sense
to go the bathroom together.
628
00:27:46,458 --> 00:27:49,417
-And I've been doing a lot
of research on this.
-(laughter)
629
00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:52,500
And by research, I mean staring
at women going to the toilets.
630
00:27:52,583 --> 00:27:54,125
(laughter)
631
00:27:54,208 --> 00:27:55,709
To the men in the room,
I don't know if you know this--
632
00:27:55,792 --> 00:27:57,583
'cause I fucking didn't--
but there's a lot of the time
633
00:27:57,667 --> 00:28:00,500
two women will go into
the same cubicle together,
634
00:28:00,583 --> 00:28:03,417
only one of them
needs to pee.
635
00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:04,709
(laughter)
636
00:28:04,792 --> 00:28:07,875
The other one is just there
to keep her company.
637
00:28:07,959 --> 00:28:10,375
(laughter)
638
00:28:11,917 --> 00:28:14,166
"Are ya having a good pee?"
639
00:28:14,250 --> 00:28:18,000
"I am having a good pee.
Yeah, thanks."
640
00:28:18,083 --> 00:28:20,333
"How's Darren?"
"Oh, you know."
641
00:28:20,417 --> 00:28:24,000
-I want that!
-(laughter)
642
00:28:24,083 --> 00:28:28,166
I've had some of the most
brutal shits of my entire life
643
00:28:28,250 --> 00:28:31,208
in public bathrooms that would
have been made way easier
644
00:28:31,291 --> 00:28:33,542
if one of my bro's was there
holding my hand!
645
00:28:33,625 --> 00:28:35,625
(laughter)
646
00:28:35,709 --> 00:28:37,041
"Come on, Daniel, push!"
647
00:28:37,125 --> 00:28:40,458
-But it's so painful!
-(laughter)
648
00:28:40,542 --> 00:28:42,583
"Come on, breathe!
Just like we practiced."
649
00:28:42,667 --> 00:28:45,000
Ha-ha! I'll name it after you!
650
00:28:45,083 --> 00:28:49,291
(laughter and applause)
651
00:28:50,917 --> 00:28:53,917
-Do you wanna hold it?
-(laughter)
652
00:28:58,041 --> 00:29:00,625
Obviously there are other
reasons why women go
to the bathroom together.
653
00:29:00,709 --> 00:29:03,125
One of the main reasons being
sometimes one of you is wearing
654
00:29:03,208 --> 00:29:06,709
a playsuit or a romper
and you need your fucking
Formula One team there.
655
00:29:06,792 --> 00:29:08,625
(laughter)
656
00:29:08,709 --> 00:29:10,792
Oh, I know your secrets, ladies.
657
00:29:10,875 --> 00:29:12,083
(laughter)
658
00:29:12,166 --> 00:29:13,625
To the men that might not
get that reference,
659
00:29:13,709 --> 00:29:15,625
if you ever see more than
two women going to the bathroom,
660
00:29:15,709 --> 00:29:17,041
nine times out of ten
it's because
661
00:29:17,125 --> 00:29:19,208
one of them is wearing
an all-in-one monstrosity,
662
00:29:19,291 --> 00:29:21,041
and she needs at least
three of her sisters to be like,
663
00:29:21,125 --> 00:29:23,625
(zips) "Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go!"
664
00:29:23,709 --> 00:29:25,250
(laughter)
665
00:29:25,333 --> 00:29:27,583
Because without them there,
she can get out of it
666
00:29:27,667 --> 00:29:29,959
and then she's just naked
until the bouncer arrives.
667
00:29:30,041 --> 00:29:32,458
(laughter)
668
00:29:36,583 --> 00:29:38,166
And I've tried, man.
669
00:29:38,250 --> 00:29:40,834
I have tried getting
my guy friends to come
to the toilet with me.
670
00:29:40,917 --> 00:29:42,291
Does not work.
671
00:29:42,375 --> 00:29:45,291
-It makes them
very uncomfortable.
-(laughter)
672
00:29:45,375 --> 00:29:47,458
If you thought me telling them
I loved them scared them,
673
00:29:47,542 --> 00:29:50,583
-try inviting them
to the bathroom.
-(laughter)
674
00:29:50,667 --> 00:29:52,500
Don't do those two things
in a row, by the way.
675
00:29:52,583 --> 00:29:54,291
(laughter)
676
00:29:54,375 --> 00:29:56,959
Hey, Mark, I love you.
I'm going to go to the toilet.
677
00:29:57,041 --> 00:29:59,583
(laughter)
678
00:30:00,542 --> 00:30:02,375
(laughter)
679
00:30:04,125 --> 00:30:06,208
(laughter)
680
00:30:06,959 --> 00:30:09,417
(laughter)
681
00:30:10,750 --> 00:30:15,041
(laughter)
682
00:30:16,083 --> 00:30:17,291
(laughter)
683
00:30:17,375 --> 00:30:19,291
-Mark!
-(laughter)
684
00:30:19,375 --> 00:30:20,542
"But I don't need to pee."
685
00:30:20,625 --> 00:30:23,041
-You don't need to need to pee.
-(laughter)
686
00:30:23,125 --> 00:30:25,709
Just come be with me
while I pee.
687
00:30:26,375 --> 00:30:28,000
"Why?"
I'll miss you.
688
00:30:28,083 --> 00:30:30,250
(laughter)
689
00:30:30,333 --> 00:30:32,667
-Once, it's worked.
-(laughter)
690
00:30:32,750 --> 00:30:34,917
-I remember the day so vividly.
-(laughter)
691
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,291
November 22nd last year,
Queens Arm pub in Edinburgh.
692
00:30:38,375 --> 00:30:40,083
I turned to one of my boys
and I was like, hey man,
693
00:30:40,166 --> 00:30:41,917
I'm going to go to the toilet.
Do you want to come?
694
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:43,875
He was like,
"Fuck yeah, Sloss,
I'll join you."
695
00:30:43,959 --> 00:30:45,166
I was like...
696
00:30:45,250 --> 00:30:48,542
(laughter)
697
00:30:48,625 --> 00:30:52,583
-I'm making a difference!
-(laughter)
698
00:30:52,667 --> 00:30:55,500
You should have seen
the disappointment on his face
699
00:30:55,583 --> 00:30:57,458
when I did not have cocaine.
700
00:30:57,542 --> 00:31:04,458
(laughter and applause)
701
00:31:06,667 --> 00:31:08,834
He was a very angry man.
702
00:31:08,917 --> 00:31:11,375
(laughter)
703
00:31:11,458 --> 00:31:14,166
"Why is your dick out?!"
Why is your wallet out?!
704
00:31:14,250 --> 00:31:16,917
(laughter)
705
00:31:20,792 --> 00:31:22,959
I am not that type of lady.
706
00:31:23,041 --> 00:31:26,125
(laughter)
707
00:31:31,083 --> 00:31:34,000
Just trying to fix
the shit in my brain.
708
00:31:34,083 --> 00:31:37,333
I'm still not 100% happy
with who I am as a person.
709
00:31:37,417 --> 00:31:41,959
Especially-- do you ever have
yourself having thoughts that
you hope to fuck aren't yours?
710
00:31:42,041 --> 00:31:43,542
(laughter)
711
00:31:43,625 --> 00:31:46,375
Like, I can find myself
having opinions that
I don't even agree with,
712
00:31:46,458 --> 00:31:48,792
and I don't know
how that works.
713
00:31:49,417 --> 00:31:51,291
Just be sat in my house
being a nice person,
714
00:31:51,375 --> 00:31:53,208
then just something horrible
will cross my mind.
715
00:31:53,291 --> 00:31:56,959
I'm like, fucking some cunt
better have walked by
with his Bluetooth on.
716
00:31:57,041 --> 00:31:58,875
(laughter)
717
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,959
Like, and I don't think--
I don't think it's like--
I don't think I'm a bad person.
718
00:32:02,041 --> 00:32:07,667
I think just a lot of the time
I haven't consciously updated
all of my opinions yet.
719
00:32:07,750 --> 00:32:10,333
Like, I still have
some opinions from 2005,
720
00:32:10,417 --> 00:32:12,000
and occasionally when I'm drunk
721
00:32:12,083 --> 00:32:14,417
my brain will just go,
and here's the classics.
722
00:32:14,500 --> 00:32:16,542
-And...
-(laughter)
723
00:32:16,625 --> 00:32:18,542
They're not necessarily
hateful opinions.
724
00:32:18,625 --> 00:32:20,875
they're just shitty opinions
that a 15-year-old has.
725
00:32:20,959 --> 00:32:23,083
Like, the first time I became
aware of one, I was at a party,
726
00:32:23,166 --> 00:32:25,417
and I was talking to this really
fucking interesting girl.
727
00:32:25,500 --> 00:32:26,750
We had a good conversation,
728
00:32:26,834 --> 00:32:28,041
and then in the midst of it,
she was just like,
729
00:32:28,125 --> 00:32:29,458
"What is it that you
do for a living?"
730
00:32:29,542 --> 00:32:30,625
And I was like,
oh, I'm a comedian.
731
00:32:30,709 --> 00:32:31,917
What do you do for a living?
732
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:33,250
And she was like,
"Oh, I'm a footballer,"
733
00:32:33,333 --> 00:32:35,750
as in she was
a professional soccer player.
734
00:32:35,834 --> 00:32:37,583
And I was like, oh, cool!
735
00:32:37,667 --> 00:32:39,917
But my internal monologue
was just like,
736
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:42,542
"I'm a much better
footballer than you!"
737
00:32:42,625 --> 00:32:44,834
(laughter)
738
00:32:45,709 --> 00:32:48,250
-And that is not true.
-(laughter)
739
00:32:48,333 --> 00:32:52,166
She's a professional,
and I haven't played football
since I was 15 years old.
740
00:32:52,250 --> 00:32:54,125
But I also haven't consciously
updated my opinion
741
00:32:54,208 --> 00:32:56,917
of myself playing football
since I was 15 years old.
That's what I mean.
742
00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:58,750
I would argue these aren't
even my opinions.
743
00:32:58,834 --> 00:33:01,458
They're more like the echoes
of a less educated me.
744
00:33:01,542 --> 00:33:03,834
They are the residue
of ignorance.
745
00:33:03,917 --> 00:33:06,250
Now, every single one of us
has ignorant opinions.
746
00:33:06,333 --> 00:33:08,041
And if you think you don't
have any ignorant opinions,
747
00:33:08,125 --> 00:33:11,166
-it's because you've not
said them all out loud yet.
-(laughter)
748
00:33:11,250 --> 00:33:13,166
A lot of the time most things
sound fine in your head,
749
00:33:13,250 --> 00:33:15,125
but when you say them out loud
for the first time, you're like,
750
00:33:15,208 --> 00:33:18,417
-aah, fuck!
-(laughter)
751
00:33:18,500 --> 00:33:20,834
-That's definitely wrong.
-(laughter)
752
00:33:20,917 --> 00:33:22,625
I'm going to have to stand
by that for three weeks
753
00:33:22,709 --> 00:33:25,750
-for no other reason
other than pride.
-(laughter)
754
00:33:25,834 --> 00:33:29,083
And then pretend I read
a book that changed my mind.
755
00:33:29,166 --> 00:33:30,917
(laughter)
756
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:33,500
Takes being involved
in a conversation with someone
757
00:33:33,583 --> 00:33:36,458
where you're talking about
something that, you know,
758
00:33:36,542 --> 00:33:38,041
that you haven't thought
about for ten years,
759
00:33:38,125 --> 00:33:40,834
so of course the opinion
is ten years out of date.
760
00:33:40,917 --> 00:33:42,959
I was talking to one of my boys,
one of my WhatsApp boys,
761
00:33:43,041 --> 00:33:45,166
-one of my (grunts) boys, right?
-(laughter)
762
00:33:45,250 --> 00:33:47,000
And he'd been seeing
a girl for, like, ages.
763
00:33:47,083 --> 00:33:49,375
They'd been on, like, ten dates
and they'd only kissed,
764
00:33:49,458 --> 00:33:52,333
which is fine, that's fine,
that's fine, that's fine.
765
00:33:52,417 --> 00:33:54,375
(laughter)
766
00:33:54,458 --> 00:33:56,750
And after, like, the tenth date
of only kissing, he was like,
767
00:33:56,834 --> 00:33:58,417
"Man, I think
she really likes me."
768
00:33:58,500 --> 00:34:00,750
And I was like,
she fucking doesn't, man.
769
00:34:00,834 --> 00:34:02,166
(laughter)
770
00:34:02,250 --> 00:34:03,417
"Oh, how can you tell?"
771
00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:05,208
Because your nose still
smells like your nose.
772
00:34:05,291 --> 00:34:06,709
It's a very simple equa--
773
00:34:06,792 --> 00:34:10,250
(groans, laughter)
774
00:34:13,250 --> 00:34:14,917
First of all,
if you get that reference,
775
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:18,875
-you're not better
than me, okay?
-(laughter)
776
00:34:18,959 --> 00:34:23,208
You don't get to
understand the reference
and then be upset
777
00:34:23,291 --> 00:34:26,709
-because I know how you
understand the reference.
-(laughter)
778
00:34:26,792 --> 00:34:30,291
It's the same way I understand
the fucking reference.
779
00:34:30,792 --> 00:34:33,375
You don't get to sit there
being like, "Sir, how dare you?"
780
00:34:33,458 --> 00:34:34,834
-(laughter)
-"How dare--
781
00:34:34,917 --> 00:34:36,709
"Barely were the words
out of your mouth
782
00:34:36,792 --> 00:34:38,792
before my mother was like,
'Yeah, done that!'"
783
00:34:38,875 --> 00:34:41,542
-(laughter)
-(Daniel chuckling)
784
00:34:41,625 --> 00:34:43,083
Look, I respect her.
785
00:34:43,166 --> 00:34:44,959
Uh, I respect her
for having boundaries
786
00:34:45,041 --> 00:34:47,125
and I respect him for
respecting her boundaries.
787
00:34:47,208 --> 00:34:49,542
I'm still going to make fun
of him though because fuck him.
788
00:34:49,625 --> 00:34:51,208
-So...
-(laughter)
789
00:34:51,291 --> 00:34:54,458
Eventually they had sex,
and I was happy for them.
790
00:34:55,375 --> 00:34:56,417
And I was talking
to him afterwards
791
00:34:56,500 --> 00:34:57,875
and I was like,
how was the sex?
792
00:34:57,959 --> 00:34:59,709
And he was like, "Oh, man,
it was the best sex ever."
793
00:34:59,792 --> 00:35:01,375
I was like,
it wasn't, but okay.
794
00:35:01,458 --> 00:35:03,291
-(laughter)
-He was like,
"Yeah, it was, right?
795
00:35:03,375 --> 00:35:05,583
-At one point
we were making love."
-(gags)
796
00:35:05,667 --> 00:35:08,041
(laughter)
797
00:35:08,125 --> 00:35:10,375
-I'm very mature.
-(laughter)
798
00:35:10,458 --> 00:35:12,250
"So, at one point
we were making love.
799
00:35:12,333 --> 00:35:16,542
"And while we were making love,
she shoved her finger
up my ass, right?"
800
00:35:16,625 --> 00:35:19,250
And then he kept talking.
801
00:35:19,333 --> 00:35:21,417
(laughter)
802
00:35:21,500 --> 00:35:24,917
-And I had stopped listening.
-(laughter)
803
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,375
The second he said she shoved
her finger up my ass,
804
00:35:27,458 --> 00:35:31,709
my brain just went, "Hey Sloss,
you have an opinion on that."
805
00:35:31,792 --> 00:35:33,625
(laughter)
806
00:35:33,709 --> 00:35:36,083
-And I was like, do I?
-(laughter)
807
00:35:36,166 --> 00:35:39,583
-Oh, I wonder what it could be.
-(laughter)
808
00:35:39,667 --> 00:35:42,875
I bet it's progressive.
809
00:35:42,959 --> 00:35:45,709
(laughter)
810
00:35:47,250 --> 00:35:48,667
Now, all my newer opinions--
811
00:35:48,750 --> 00:35:50,583
all the ones I've developed
in about the last ten years so--
812
00:35:50,667 --> 00:35:51,959
they're stored at
the front of my brain
813
00:35:52,041 --> 00:35:53,959
in the easily accessible
part of the library.
814
00:35:54,041 --> 00:35:55,458
You walk into
the front of my brain,
815
00:35:55,542 --> 00:35:57,041
all my opinions
are laid out there
816
00:35:57,125 --> 00:35:58,959
in easily digestible
brochure format.
817
00:35:59,041 --> 00:36:01,834
There's a comments section,
they can all be updated
at a moment's notice.
818
00:36:01,917 --> 00:36:03,625
It's a very, very
efficient system.
819
00:36:03,709 --> 00:36:05,333
All of my older opinions
are stored
820
00:36:05,417 --> 00:36:07,917
in a fucked up warehouse
in the back of my brain.
821
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:11,500
Understand I do not want any
of these opinions anymore,
822
00:36:11,583 --> 00:36:14,291
but my brain has decided to hold
onto them for no other reason
823
00:36:14,375 --> 00:36:18,000
than it's an overbearing mother
being like, "You never know!"
824
00:36:18,083 --> 00:36:19,458
(laughter)
825
00:36:19,542 --> 00:36:22,166
It's a ramshackle clusterfuck
of different horrible opinions.
826
00:36:22,250 --> 00:36:24,834
Some of them are set in stone,
and that's annoying.
827
00:36:24,917 --> 00:36:26,959
But the whole place is run
by a lovely old man.
828
00:36:27,041 --> 00:36:29,375
His name is Nigel,
he wears a monocle,
you'd like him.
829
00:36:29,458 --> 00:36:31,166
-Now...
-(laughter)
830
00:36:31,250 --> 00:36:33,750
Occasionally I've got
to pop up to the back
of my brain to talk to Nigel
831
00:36:33,834 --> 00:36:35,166
to find out what
my old opinions are.
832
00:36:35,250 --> 00:36:37,417
So I pop upstairs--
he's always happy to see me.
833
00:36:37,500 --> 00:36:39,041
I'll be like, hey Nigel.
834
00:36:39,125 --> 00:36:43,125
and he's like, "Mister...
Mr. Sloss, how are you?"
835
00:36:43,208 --> 00:36:45,166
I'm good, Nige. I'm just--
836
00:36:45,250 --> 00:36:46,875
just looking for
an old opinion of mine.
837
00:36:46,959 --> 00:36:49,083
"Oh, you've certainly come
to the right place.
838
00:36:49,166 --> 00:36:50,917
"What older opinion
can I interest you in?
839
00:36:51,041 --> 00:36:53,583
Oh, is it your crush
on the Olsen twins?"
840
00:36:53,667 --> 00:36:56,166
-(laughter)
-Oh, no, no.
841
00:36:56,250 --> 00:36:59,041
-That is fucking old though.
-(laughter)
842
00:36:59,125 --> 00:37:01,041
You can actually just
throw that out, Nigel.
843
00:37:01,125 --> 00:37:03,959
-I think they're dead.
-(laughter)
844
00:37:04,041 --> 00:37:07,375
"Oh, okay, well,
what opinion is it you're
after then, Mr. Sloss?"
845
00:37:07,458 --> 00:37:10,417
Well, Nigel, it's just
I'm talking to one of
my boys out there,
846
00:37:10,500 --> 00:37:13,792
and I was just wondering,
do I have any opinions on, um...
847
00:37:15,542 --> 00:37:17,875
(quietly):
Do I have any opinions
on stuff going up my butt?
848
00:37:17,959 --> 00:37:19,542
(laughter)
849
00:37:19,625 --> 00:37:21,625
"Stuff going up your butt?"
850
00:37:21,709 --> 00:37:23,208
Aye.
851
00:37:23,291 --> 00:37:24,750
"Um..."
852
00:37:26,875 --> 00:37:29,458
(laughter)
853
00:37:32,125 --> 00:37:34,166
(laughter)
854
00:37:36,583 --> 00:37:38,333
(laughter)
855
00:37:41,125 --> 00:37:44,458
"Aye. Aye, you do.
I can't see it there.
856
00:37:44,542 --> 00:37:46,959
"But if I remember correctly,
you definitely thought about it.
857
00:37:47,041 --> 00:37:49,667
"It was only once
and it was either 2004 or--
858
00:37:49,750 --> 00:37:51,625
"My memory's not what
it used to be, Mr. Sloss.
859
00:37:51,709 --> 00:37:53,458
"2005, yes, that was it. 2005.
860
00:37:53,542 --> 00:37:55,750
"You were 15 years old,
your parents had gone
to the cinema,
861
00:37:55,834 --> 00:37:56,959
"and you had to babysit
your brothers.
862
00:37:57,041 --> 00:37:58,291
"Once you put
your brothers to sleep,
863
00:37:58,375 --> 00:38:00,250
"you were watching porn
on the family computer.
864
00:38:00,333 --> 00:38:02,458
"And in one of the pornos,
the woman shoved her finger
up the man's ass.
865
00:38:02,542 --> 00:38:05,500
You were very confused.
You thought she was
trying to reset him."
866
00:38:05,583 --> 00:38:11,208
(laughter and applause)
867
00:38:13,333 --> 00:38:15,417
(laughter)
868
00:38:17,583 --> 00:38:18,959
"Here you go, Mr. Sloss, 2005.
869
00:38:19,041 --> 00:38:20,917
"It'll be in here somewhere.
Just give me two seconds.
870
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:22,709
-Okay."
-(blows)
871
00:38:23,750 --> 00:38:26,125
(laughter)
872
00:38:26,208 --> 00:38:28,333
(muttering):
"Stuff going up your butt...
873
00:38:28,417 --> 00:38:30,083
"Stuff going
up your butt...
874
00:38:30,166 --> 00:38:33,333
-(laughter)
-"Stuff--
Oh, your favorite Pokemon!
875
00:38:33,417 --> 00:38:35,792
-"No? Well...
-(laughter)
876
00:38:35,875 --> 00:38:38,625
-"Jigglypuff and...
-(laughter)
877
00:38:38,709 --> 00:38:41,250
"Oh, here we go, 2005.
Here we go, Mr. Sloss, 2005.
15 years old...
878
00:38:41,333 --> 00:38:43,625
"Stuff going up your butt,
stuff going up your butt...
879
00:38:43,709 --> 00:38:46,375
-Gay!"
-(laughter)
880
00:38:47,667 --> 00:38:50,917
-Aah, no!
-(laughter)
881
00:38:51,834 --> 00:38:55,792
Nigel, I can't have that
be my opinion on that.
882
00:38:55,875 --> 00:38:57,333
"Oh, why ever not, Mr. Sloss?"
883
00:38:57,417 --> 00:38:59,834
Because it's fucking
homophobic, Nigel.
884
00:38:59,917 --> 00:39:01,208
(laughter)
885
00:39:01,291 --> 00:39:03,500
"But, Mr. Sloss,
you are homophobic."
886
00:39:03,583 --> 00:39:06,750
(laughter)
887
00:39:07,667 --> 00:39:10,000
-I beg your pardon, Nigel.
-(laughter)
888
00:39:10,083 --> 00:39:12,917
I am absolutely not homophobic.
889
00:39:13,542 --> 00:39:16,917
"Mr. Sloss, 28 years of people
using the word gay as an insult
890
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,250
has done some pretty
lasting damage up here."
891
00:39:22,125 --> 00:39:24,083
-Huh!
-(laughter)
892
00:39:24,166 --> 00:39:26,875
Real-- Real-- Oh! I just--
I just-- I-- No, come on!
893
00:39:26,959 --> 00:39:30,041
Surely, we must have got rid of
all the homophobia back in 2007.
894
00:39:30,125 --> 00:39:31,625
Surely, there must've been
a clear out.
895
00:39:31,709 --> 00:39:33,667
Remember?
Seventeenth birthday,
we were in St. Andrews.
896
00:39:33,750 --> 00:39:36,542
We got really, really drunk,
then we went outside and
we shared a joint with that guy.
897
00:39:36,625 --> 00:39:38,375
He leaned in,
then you leaned in,
898
00:39:38,458 --> 00:39:39,792
and we kissed
for at least a minute.
899
00:39:39,875 --> 00:39:41,375
And I thought in that moment,
we realized
900
00:39:41,458 --> 00:39:43,375
that maybe sexuality
was more of a spectrum
901
00:39:43,458 --> 00:39:44,959
as opposed to a binary thing.
902
00:39:45,041 --> 00:39:47,542
"Oh, no, Mr. Sloss,
that's over there in issues."
903
00:39:47,625 --> 00:39:48,875
Oh, cool, leave it there.
904
00:39:48,959 --> 00:39:52,792
(laughter and applause)
905
00:39:55,792 --> 00:39:58,709
Anyway, Nigel, I'm not
really comfortable having
a homophobic opinion anymore.
906
00:39:58,792 --> 00:40:00,375
So, if you can just
throw this one out,
907
00:40:00,458 --> 00:40:02,417
and I'll give you my new
non-homophobic opinion,
908
00:40:02,500 --> 00:40:04,208
and I can move on with my life.
909
00:40:04,291 --> 00:40:06,792
"Eh, that's not really
how this works, Mr. Sloss.
910
00:40:06,875 --> 00:40:09,375
"You see, you developed this
opinion before you were 18.
911
00:40:09,458 --> 00:40:11,583
"When we're young,
our brains are very
malleable, responsive,
912
00:40:11,667 --> 00:40:13,750
"we're very open and receptive
to new bits of information
913
00:40:13,834 --> 00:40:15,208
"'cause we're essentially
blank slates.
914
00:40:15,291 --> 00:40:16,750
"So, nothing's really
right or wrong for us.
915
00:40:16,834 --> 00:40:18,625
"But when we become adults
and we're finishing puberty,
916
00:40:18,709 --> 00:40:20,667
"our brains solidify in a way.
917
00:40:20,750 --> 00:40:23,166
"Things that were
originally just opinions
cement themselves as fact
918
00:40:23,250 --> 00:40:24,583
"because we've believed
them for longer
919
00:40:24,667 --> 00:40:26,125
"and we think that gives
them more credibility.
920
00:40:26,208 --> 00:40:27,875
"That's why the older we get,
the more stubborn we are
921
00:40:27,959 --> 00:40:29,583
to new ideas
and new ways of life."
922
00:40:29,667 --> 00:40:31,750
And I'm like, that is
absolutely riveting, Nigel.
923
00:40:31,834 --> 00:40:34,041
-Change the fucking opinion.
-(laughter)
924
00:40:34,125 --> 00:40:36,083
Nigel, I can't have
a homophobic opinion.
925
00:40:36,166 --> 00:40:40,000
It's 2019, and I'm not
even trying to virtue signal
at this point anymore, Nigel,
926
00:40:40,083 --> 00:40:42,375
but in the past five years,
I've actually been
927
00:40:42,458 --> 00:40:45,542
to more gay weddings than
I've been to straight weddings.
928
00:40:46,333 --> 00:40:49,250
"But... but, Mr. Sloss,
all weddings are gay."
929
00:40:49,333 --> 00:40:52,834
-Fuck, that's not
still in there is it?
-(laughter)
930
00:41:00,291 --> 00:41:02,208
You have to be able
to change your old opinions.
931
00:41:02,291 --> 00:41:05,000
It's hard, but you have
to be able to do it.
932
00:41:05,875 --> 00:41:06,959
I struggle with it sometimes.
933
00:41:07,041 --> 00:41:08,750
I'm a fucking
stubborn motherfucker.
934
00:41:08,834 --> 00:41:10,709
I'm trying to get better at it.
The way I'm getting better
935
00:41:10,792 --> 00:41:13,250
is I'm just trying to talk
to people who I disagree with.
936
00:41:13,333 --> 00:41:15,875
Like, 'cause either
they strengthen my argument
937
00:41:15,959 --> 00:41:18,250
or they change my mind,
and neither of those
things are bad.
938
00:41:18,333 --> 00:41:21,125
It's just--
somebody can say something
from a different perspective,
939
00:41:21,208 --> 00:41:23,792
and you go, oh, fuck,
okay, I hadn't taken
that into consideration.
940
00:41:23,875 --> 00:41:26,041
-You're still wrong, but thanks.
-(laughter)
941
00:41:26,125 --> 00:41:28,583
But then there's other times
people will do something--
and not even say anything--
942
00:41:28,667 --> 00:41:31,166
but just through
a simple action,
they'll change your opinion.
943
00:41:31,250 --> 00:41:33,417
You'll just go, holy fuck,
okay, I was wrong.
944
00:41:33,500 --> 00:41:36,625
For example,
a couple of months ago,
I was having sex with a girl
945
00:41:36,709 --> 00:41:38,250
and she shoved
her finger up my ass,
946
00:41:38,333 --> 00:41:40,625
-and...
-(laughter)
947
00:41:40,709 --> 00:41:42,458
...it was a lot like
being in the Matrix,
948
00:41:42,542 --> 00:41:45,333
because I learned karate
in two seconds.
949
00:41:45,417 --> 00:41:47,500
(laughter)
950
00:41:47,583 --> 00:41:49,750
She just shoved it up there,
and I was like,
951
00:41:49,834 --> 00:41:54,125
No, no, never! Hi-yah!
Be gone! Never! Ooh, ah!
952
00:41:54,208 --> 00:41:57,375
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Ooh... ah!
953
00:41:57,458 --> 00:42:00,834
Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Ho, ho!
954
00:42:00,917 --> 00:42:03,333
Namaste.
955
00:42:03,417 --> 00:42:06,625
(laughter and applause)
956
00:42:07,917 --> 00:42:10,417
And that lack of applause
you hear is coming from men
957
00:42:10,500 --> 00:42:13,083
who've never taken
a digit up the shitter.
958
00:42:13,750 --> 00:42:16,500
And to the men who've never
taken a finger up the tailpipe,
959
00:42:16,583 --> 00:42:18,333
all I have to tell you is,
960
00:42:18,417 --> 00:42:20,583
it's your own time
you're wasting.
961
00:42:20,667 --> 00:42:21,959
(laughter)
962
00:42:22,041 --> 00:42:25,291
You are punishing no one
apart from yourself.
963
00:42:25,375 --> 00:42:27,709
And you can sit there
being a fucking "man" about it,
964
00:42:27,792 --> 00:42:29,625
be like, "Oh, no.
No, it's not for me."
965
00:42:29,709 --> 00:42:32,375
-Scientifically, it is.
-(laughter)
966
00:42:32,458 --> 00:42:35,458
Scientifically, it's right up
your alley, no pun intended.
967
00:42:35,542 --> 00:42:38,208
-(laughter)
-That's where your clit is.
968
00:42:38,291 --> 00:42:41,458
-It's a shit clit,
but it's a clit nonetheless.
-(laughter)
969
00:42:41,542 --> 00:42:43,375
Just a little button
halfway up there
970
00:42:43,458 --> 00:42:45,000
that makes everything
taste like ice cream,
971
00:42:45,083 --> 00:42:47,250
except the finger obviously.
972
00:42:47,333 --> 00:42:49,750
(laughter)
973
00:42:49,834 --> 00:42:53,041
To the men in the room
that are too scared
to take a finger up the ass--
974
00:42:53,125 --> 00:42:56,375
and I will not change
my choice of words there--
975
00:42:56,458 --> 00:43:00,041
-to the men in the room that are
too (in baby talk): scared...
976
00:43:00,125 --> 00:43:02,709
-too scared to...
(blubbering)
-(laughter)
977
00:43:02,792 --> 00:43:04,667
...too scared to take
a little finger up the ass,
978
00:43:04,750 --> 00:43:07,417
I can tell you exactly why
you're too scared to take
a finger up your ass.
979
00:43:07,500 --> 00:43:10,375
It is because deep down,
this is what your insecurity is.
980
00:43:10,458 --> 00:43:14,750
Deep down you don't think
it's a button up there.
981
00:43:14,834 --> 00:43:17,083
You think it's a switch.
982
00:43:17,166 --> 00:43:20,250
(laughter)
983
00:43:20,333 --> 00:43:25,041
-That's it.
-(laughter and applause)
984
00:43:25,125 --> 00:43:29,834
That is all your pathetic
little insecurity is.
985
00:43:29,917 --> 00:43:32,000
You reckon she's going to shove
her finger up your ass
986
00:43:32,083 --> 00:43:33,750
and you're going to start
singing Elton John.
987
00:43:33,834 --> 00:43:36,834
-And that is...
-(laughter)
988
00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:40,959
so homophobic even Nigel's
like, "Jesus Christ."
989
00:43:41,041 --> 00:43:43,125
(laughter)
990
00:43:47,041 --> 00:43:48,500
So, I don't necessarily
like, you know,
991
00:43:48,583 --> 00:43:50,834
the narrative that we pitch
about pensioners nowadays.
992
00:43:50,917 --> 00:43:52,917
You know,
all old people are racists,
all old people are bigots.
993
00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:55,625
Like, yeah, sure,
half of them are,
but they'll all be dead soon.
994
00:43:55,709 --> 00:43:57,208
(laughter)
995
00:43:57,291 --> 00:43:59,500
Just a little bit,
of course, they've got
out-of-date opinions,
996
00:43:59,583 --> 00:44:01,125
they're fucking ancient.
997
00:44:01,208 --> 00:44:02,959
Like, I think you should
be nice to old people,
998
00:44:03,041 --> 00:44:05,166
treat them with respect,
make them cups of tea,
999
00:44:05,250 --> 00:44:06,709
and then when they
tell you their opinions,
1000
00:44:06,792 --> 00:44:10,166
just go "Uh-huh," and then
never mention them again.
1001
00:44:10,250 --> 00:44:12,250
Let them die with them.
1002
00:44:12,333 --> 00:44:14,625
Old people will have opinions
that are just so out of date
1003
00:44:14,709 --> 00:44:16,417
that they'll just say them
and you're like,
1004
00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:18,792
fucking when was that valid?
1005
00:44:18,875 --> 00:44:20,458
(laughter)
1006
00:44:20,542 --> 00:44:23,667
They'll just say things
that aren't even hateful,
they're just, "Blah.
1007
00:44:23,750 --> 00:44:26,667
"Back in my day we didn't
have depression or anxiety.
1008
00:44:26,750 --> 00:44:30,667
We just called it being sad,
and we got on with our days."
1009
00:44:31,250 --> 00:44:33,542
All right, cool,
that's a medical misdiagnosis.
1010
00:44:33,625 --> 00:44:36,000
-(laughter)
-That's the equivalent
of saying,
1011
00:44:36,083 --> 00:44:38,166
"Back in my day we didn't
have breast cancer.
1012
00:44:38,250 --> 00:44:41,542
We just called it itchy tits
and we died at 37."
1013
00:44:41,625 --> 00:44:43,375
-Like...
-(laughter)
1014
00:44:43,458 --> 00:44:45,667
Yeah, well, now we have
medicine and names for things
1015
00:44:45,750 --> 00:44:47,500
and the world is largely better.
1016
00:44:47,583 --> 00:44:49,625
(laughter)
1017
00:44:51,083 --> 00:44:54,291
Oh, and by the way,
if you hate my generation
as much as you claim to,
1018
00:44:54,375 --> 00:44:57,083
how about you stop using
our doctors and medicine?
1019
00:44:57,166 --> 00:44:59,125
(audience groans, laughs)
1020
00:44:59,208 --> 00:45:01,417
See you in the ground, cunt.
1021
00:45:01,500 --> 00:45:05,542
(laughter and applause)
1022
00:45:05,625 --> 00:45:08,125
But... I want you to understand,
1023
00:45:08,208 --> 00:45:11,000
when I bring up
these shitty opinions
that I once held,
1024
00:45:11,083 --> 00:45:13,208
I don't bring them up to let
them see the light of day again,
1025
00:45:13,291 --> 00:45:16,583
to reinvigorate them,
or to give them any more
credibility than they're due.
1026
00:45:16,667 --> 00:45:19,083
I bring them up to show you that
I used to be a piece of shit.
1027
00:45:19,166 --> 00:45:21,417
I mean, I still am one,
but I'm getting better.
1028
00:45:21,500 --> 00:45:23,458
And that's allowed.
Like, I have opinions now
1029
00:45:23,542 --> 00:45:26,375
that I would have disagreed
with five years ago,
and that's allowed.
1030
00:45:26,458 --> 00:45:29,583
I have opinions now
that I might disagree
with in five years' time,
1031
00:45:29,667 --> 00:45:31,208
and that's allowed.
1032
00:45:31,291 --> 00:45:32,875
Just because you've
become an adult
1033
00:45:32,959 --> 00:45:34,709
doesn't mean you stop
growing and learning.
1034
00:45:34,792 --> 00:45:38,250
And if you do,
you fucking suck.
1035
00:45:38,333 --> 00:45:39,834
We live in a society now
1036
00:45:39,917 --> 00:45:41,709
where people are
being held accountable
1037
00:45:41,792 --> 00:45:43,709
to things they said
ten years ago,
1038
00:45:43,792 --> 00:45:47,709
as if that's who any of us
fucking are anymore,
and I find that ludicrous.
1039
00:45:47,792 --> 00:45:50,542
Understand, I don't think
you should carte blanche
fucking get freedom,
1040
00:45:50,625 --> 00:45:54,417
but just understand,
whenever I catch myself thinking
1041
00:45:54,500 --> 00:45:57,333
something sexist or homophobic
or even sometimes racist,
1042
00:45:57,417 --> 00:46:00,458
I am ashamed,
I'm embarrassed by it,
I truly, truly am to my core.
1043
00:46:00,542 --> 00:46:03,750
Because that's not who I am,
that's not who I want to be.
1044
00:46:03,834 --> 00:46:05,542
The solace I take from it is,
1045
00:46:05,625 --> 00:46:07,000
I realize that none
of my shitty opinions,
1046
00:46:07,083 --> 00:46:08,417
they've never come
from a place of hatred.
1047
00:46:08,500 --> 00:46:10,291
They've only ever come
from a place of ignorance,
1048
00:46:10,375 --> 00:46:12,750
which isn't much better,
but it is better.
1049
00:46:13,291 --> 00:46:14,583
Hate and ignorance
go hand-in-hand,
1050
00:46:14,667 --> 00:46:16,375
but ignorance is
more easy to cure.
1051
00:46:16,458 --> 00:46:19,000
And everyone is
fucking ignorant. I don't
give a fuck who you are.
1052
00:46:19,083 --> 00:46:21,583
You've lived one life,
7.5 billion are available.
1053
00:46:21,667 --> 00:46:23,417
You don't know shit
about everyone else.
1054
00:46:23,500 --> 00:46:24,875
Like, not something
to be proud of.
1055
00:46:24,959 --> 00:46:27,250
Even now, like, women,
I've known you for 28 years
1056
00:46:27,333 --> 00:46:30,583
and I've still got fucking
no idea about half your issues.
1057
00:46:30,667 --> 00:46:32,959
I'm trying to get better,
I'm trying to learn,
but it's a slow fucking process.
1058
00:46:33,041 --> 00:46:35,792
-I'm going to talk to you.
What's your name?
-Man: Nick.
1059
00:46:35,875 --> 00:46:37,250
Daniel: Nick. Nick, can
I ask you a question?
1060
00:46:37,333 --> 00:46:38,959
If you don't know the answer
to the question, Nick,
1061
00:46:39,041 --> 00:46:41,041
that's fine,
that's the point of the routine.
1062
00:46:41,125 --> 00:46:43,542
I also don't know the answer,
we can be idiots together.
1063
00:46:43,625 --> 00:46:45,291
If you do know
the answer to the question,
1064
00:46:45,375 --> 00:46:46,709
I'll look like a fucking moron.
1065
00:46:46,792 --> 00:46:49,083
It's win-win for you.
Are you happy to participate?
1066
00:46:49,166 --> 00:46:50,625
-(laughter)
-Cool.
1067
00:46:50,709 --> 00:46:52,959
Nick, how do tampons work?
1068
00:46:53,041 --> 00:46:56,583
(laughter and applause)
1069
00:46:56,667 --> 00:46:58,625
Not a fucking clue?
I admire your honesty.
1070
00:46:58,709 --> 00:47:00,500
And your girlfriend's like,
"What, why would he know?"
1071
00:47:00,583 --> 00:47:02,542
Okay, I'm with you,
I'm with you.
1072
00:47:02,625 --> 00:47:06,375
Um, I'm saying I know how one
form of sanitary product works,
and that is the Moon Cup.
1073
00:47:06,458 --> 00:47:08,500
Now, do you know about
the Moon Cup, Nick?
1074
00:47:08,583 --> 00:47:10,125
Little bit? That's cool.
I'll explain.
1075
00:47:10,208 --> 00:47:12,625
-Strap in, uh...
-(laughter)
1076
00:47:12,709 --> 00:47:15,625
Those of you that don't know,
men, uh, the Moon Cup is,
1077
00:47:15,709 --> 00:47:17,625
it's a small silicon
menstrual cup
1078
00:47:17,709 --> 00:47:19,667
and it's a reusable form
of sanitary product.
1079
00:47:19,750 --> 00:47:22,667
And the reason it exists
is because women don't
get free tampons.
1080
00:47:22,750 --> 00:47:28,000
Because as we all know
tampons are rightfully
classified as luxury items.
1081
00:47:28,083 --> 00:47:30,500
Uh, sitting on your
thrones of joy!
1082
00:47:30,583 --> 00:47:31,834
(laughter)
1083
00:47:31,917 --> 00:47:36,166
Oh, as a man, I dream
but to one day afford a tampon.
1084
00:47:36,250 --> 00:47:39,834
-(laughter)
-Ah, how the other half live!
1085
00:47:39,917 --> 00:47:42,208
Women, you truly do get it all.
1086
00:47:42,291 --> 00:47:43,834
(laughter)
1087
00:47:43,917 --> 00:47:47,041
So, women of lower income
families and homeless women
1088
00:47:47,125 --> 00:47:49,625
wouldn't get free tampons
and they'd have to use
rags or nothing.
1089
00:47:49,709 --> 00:47:51,875
And they'd get infections and
there's a high mortality rate.
1090
00:47:51,959 --> 00:47:53,667
Then an amazing woman
called Leona Chalmers
1091
00:47:53,750 --> 00:47:55,000
invented this small
reusable cup.
1092
00:47:55,083 --> 00:47:56,834
And the only reason
I know anything about this
1093
00:47:56,917 --> 00:47:58,750
is because one of my friends
walked in one day,
1094
00:47:58,834 --> 00:48:00,792
she was like,
"I use the Moon Cup now."
1095
00:48:00,875 --> 00:48:01,959
And I was like, "Ew!"
1096
00:48:02,041 --> 00:48:04,125
And then she hit me,
and that's fair.
1097
00:48:04,208 --> 00:48:06,000
(laughter)
1098
00:48:06,083 --> 00:48:08,959
And afterwards, I was like,
okay, can I ask you a bunch
of questions about it?
1099
00:48:09,041 --> 00:48:11,959
She's like, "Of course you can.
That's the only way
you'll stop being ignorant.
1100
00:48:12,041 --> 00:48:13,291
What would you like to know?"
1101
00:48:13,375 --> 00:48:15,625
And I was like,
how do you...?
1102
00:48:15,709 --> 00:48:17,083
(laughter)
1103
00:48:17,166 --> 00:48:19,208
How do you actually--
How do you get it up-- I just--
1104
00:48:19,291 --> 00:48:20,542
How do you get it up there?
I just don't--
1105
00:48:20,625 --> 00:48:22,583
How do you get an open end
up an open end?
1106
00:48:22,667 --> 00:48:25,208
-Like, I just...
-(laughter)
1107
00:48:25,291 --> 00:48:27,583
Like, that's not how
you stack cups.
1108
00:48:27,667 --> 00:48:30,125
-(laughter)
-Like...
1109
00:48:31,375 --> 00:48:33,917
Like, that's how you make
horse noises in Monty Python.
1110
00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:36,667
-Like, that's not...
-(laughter and applause)
1111
00:48:36,750 --> 00:48:39,041
-I don't...
-(laughter continuing)
1112
00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:41,333
And she was like,
"It's very simple, Dan.
1113
00:48:41,417 --> 00:48:43,750
You go Italian
and then you appreciate."
1114
00:48:43,834 --> 00:48:47,417
-(laughter)
-I was like, ah-ha-ha. Okay.
1115
00:48:47,500 --> 00:48:48,875
Then apparently to get it out,
1116
00:48:48,959 --> 00:48:51,542
all you have to do
is just go... (blows)
1117
00:48:51,625 --> 00:48:54,583
-And then...
-(laughter)
1118
00:48:54,667 --> 00:48:56,291
And if you do that
over a canvas,
1119
00:48:56,375 --> 00:49:00,083
-a vegan will buy it.
-(laughter)
1120
00:49:00,166 --> 00:49:05,125
(laughter and applause)
1121
00:49:12,291 --> 00:49:14,834
You do one 15-minute
vegan-hating routine,
1122
00:49:14,917 --> 00:49:16,667
and suddenly you're
the vegan hater.
1123
00:49:16,750 --> 00:49:18,667
(laughter)
1124
00:49:19,834 --> 00:49:22,000
But it's when we get
to the other forms
1125
00:49:22,083 --> 00:49:23,583
of sanitary products
when I'm with Nick,
1126
00:49:23,667 --> 00:49:26,375
I just-- I don't know--
I know which types you've got,
1127
00:49:26,458 --> 00:49:28,417
I know what they look like,
don't know what they do.
1128
00:49:28,500 --> 00:49:31,375
I know you've got the, uh...
You've got the little
fucking free-range bullets.
1129
00:49:31,458 --> 00:49:33,000
I know those ones just, uh...
1130
00:49:33,083 --> 00:49:35,208
the wee sad ones
at the bottom of
your handbags.
1131
00:49:35,291 --> 00:49:36,625
Those are the ones that leave--
1132
00:49:36,709 --> 00:49:39,125
There's a-snake-
in-my-boot string.
I know that.
1133
00:49:39,208 --> 00:49:40,625
(laughter)
1134
00:49:40,709 --> 00:49:42,875
Uh, and then
you've got the fucking--
1135
00:49:42,959 --> 00:49:47,417
the weird fucking
Apollo 13 syringe thing.
1136
00:49:47,500 --> 00:49:50,291
Like, it expands--
It's like the memory thing
from Men in Black.
1137
00:49:50,375 --> 00:49:52,875
-Like, pew. I don't--
-(laughter)
1138
00:49:53,750 --> 00:49:55,667
I've got theories
on how that works.
1139
00:49:55,750 --> 00:49:57,875
-(laughter)
-I think it's like a--
1140
00:49:57,959 --> 00:49:59,959
I think it's like
a push in and scoosh.
1141
00:50:00,041 --> 00:50:01,875
(laughter)
1142
00:50:02,291 --> 00:50:05,041
But even if that is the case,
I still got more questions.
1143
00:50:05,125 --> 00:50:06,542
(laughter)
1144
00:50:06,625 --> 00:50:09,166
-Like, does it feel good?
-(laughter)
1145
00:50:09,250 --> 00:50:11,709
And women are disgusted by
the concept of that question.
1146
00:50:11,792 --> 00:50:14,583
Every time I'm like,
they're like,"No, no.
Why would it feel good?"
1147
00:50:14,667 --> 00:50:17,583
Fine. Jesus. Okay.
Here's why me, a man,
1148
00:50:17,667 --> 00:50:19,500
would assume that it
might feel good
1149
00:50:19,583 --> 00:50:21,500
to shove something
up your pussy.
1150
00:50:21,583 --> 00:50:23,166
-Because...
-(laughter)
1151
00:50:23,250 --> 00:50:25,166
you obviously don't know
what it's like to have a dick.
1152
00:50:25,250 --> 00:50:26,542
And dicks are morons.
1153
00:50:26,625 --> 00:50:28,333
Every morning
I pull on my boxers,
1154
00:50:28,417 --> 00:50:31,000
and occasionally my boxers
will brush the tip of my dick,
1155
00:50:31,083 --> 00:50:34,291
and my dick will be like,
"It's a pussy!" and I'm like...
1156
00:50:34,375 --> 00:50:37,750
(laughter and applause)
1157
00:50:39,667 --> 00:50:41,875
(mouthing)
1158
00:50:42,917 --> 00:50:45,709
Where do you see a pussy?
1159
00:50:45,792 --> 00:50:48,917
(laughter)
1160
00:50:50,041 --> 00:50:53,375
-"I thought I felt one."
-(laughter)
1161
00:50:53,458 --> 00:50:56,625
Mm-hmm. And where is it now?
1162
00:50:57,917 --> 00:51:00,959
-(grunts "I don't know")
-(laughter)
1163
00:51:01,041 --> 00:51:02,542
"You must have scared it off."
1164
00:51:02,625 --> 00:51:04,834
-Oh, ho-ho-ho.
-(laughter)
1165
00:51:04,917 --> 00:51:06,750
I'm gonna beat you to death.
1166
00:51:06,834 --> 00:51:09,458
(laughter and applause)
1167
00:51:10,625 --> 00:51:12,792
(cheers, whistles)
1168
00:51:16,417 --> 00:51:17,625
So...
1169
00:51:18,542 --> 00:51:20,375
So, I was like learn--
just learn how the tampons work.
1170
00:51:20,458 --> 00:51:21,750
So I was talking
to my friend Jean,
1171
00:51:21,834 --> 00:51:23,417
'cause I'm not going
to google that
1172
00:51:23,500 --> 00:51:25,709
'cause I don't want to be
on a fucking list.
1173
00:51:25,792 --> 00:51:27,792
And I was like, Jean,
how do tampons work?
1174
00:51:27,875 --> 00:51:31,583
-And she was like, "Please tell
me how you think tampons work."
-(laughter)
1175
00:51:31,667 --> 00:51:34,417
And then seven days later
when she had stopped laughing...
1176
00:51:34,500 --> 00:51:35,750
(laughter)
1177
00:51:35,834 --> 00:51:37,792
She was like,
"You're a fucking moron."
1178
00:51:37,875 --> 00:51:39,583
And I was like, well,
I'm not a total moron.
1179
00:51:39,667 --> 00:51:41,583
Like, I know how the pads work.
1180
00:51:41,667 --> 00:51:43,583
Turns out I don't know
how the pads work.
1181
00:51:43,667 --> 00:51:45,291
(laughter)
1182
00:51:45,375 --> 00:51:47,125
What's your name there?
1183
00:51:48,500 --> 00:51:49,792
Alex. Lovely to meet you, Alex.
1184
00:51:49,875 --> 00:51:51,083
Very simple question
for you, Alex.
1185
00:51:51,166 --> 00:51:52,917
Uh, you know
the sticky bits on pads?
1186
00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:55,333
What do the sticky bits
stick onto?
1187
00:51:55,417 --> 00:51:57,667
On to your underwear, correct.
Not what I thought.
1188
00:51:57,750 --> 00:52:00,500
(laughter)
1189
00:52:01,917 --> 00:52:04,000
(laughter)
1190
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:08,125
-I am 28 years old...
-(laughter)
1191
00:52:08,208 --> 00:52:11,792
...and up until
January this year,
1192
00:52:11,875 --> 00:52:15,083
I had always believed that
whenever you got your period,
1193
00:52:15,166 --> 00:52:17,166
that you just...
1194
00:52:17,250 --> 00:52:20,875
(laughter and applause)
1195
00:52:22,542 --> 00:52:25,625
-...closed up shop.
-(laughter)
1196
00:52:25,709 --> 00:52:29,625
-Like a Texas farm
during a hurricane.
-(laughter)
1197
00:52:29,709 --> 00:52:32,000
"Storm's a coming!"
1198
00:52:32,083 --> 00:52:34,208
(laughter)
1199
00:52:35,583 --> 00:52:38,667
"Oh, it's going to be
the largest one since 1979."
1200
00:52:38,750 --> 00:52:41,709
(laughter)
1201
00:52:43,667 --> 00:52:46,125
Honestly, I just-- I honestly
thought you were just like,
1202
00:52:46,208 --> 00:52:48,375
"I'm bleeding,
this is a plaster,
1203
00:52:48,458 --> 00:52:50,375
-I'll deal with that..."
-(laughter)
1204
00:52:50,458 --> 00:52:52,417
"...on Thursday.
1205
00:52:53,208 --> 00:52:56,041
-Pick the scabs on Monday."
-(audience laughs, groans)
1206
00:52:56,125 --> 00:52:58,542
Aw, write a fucking
blog about it.
1207
00:52:58,625 --> 00:53:00,917
(laughter)
1208
00:53:05,500 --> 00:53:08,041
Now, I will point out,
it's not my fault
I don't know that.
1209
00:53:08,125 --> 00:53:09,959
I was never taught
how tampons work.
1210
00:53:10,041 --> 00:53:11,875
Not only was I never
taught how tampons work,
1211
00:53:11,959 --> 00:53:15,125
I was actively excluded
from the moment that young
women learn about them.
1212
00:53:15,208 --> 00:53:17,000
Now, when we get
sex education in Scotland,
1213
00:53:17,083 --> 00:53:19,041
we get it from about
the age of ten years old.
1214
00:53:19,125 --> 00:53:21,291
And they do teach
about periods and stuff,
1215
00:53:21,375 --> 00:53:23,041
but when they teach
the girls about tampons,
1216
00:53:23,125 --> 00:53:24,834
they take the girls through
to another room with a nurse,
1217
00:53:24,917 --> 00:53:27,959
so she can explain
how the tampons work.
And I get that.
1218
00:53:28,041 --> 00:53:29,500
You don't want
the ten-year-old
boys in that room,
1219
00:53:29,583 --> 00:53:32,166
-because they're fucked
little creatures.
-(laughter)
1220
00:53:32,250 --> 00:53:34,709
But I think that while
they're in that room
being taught tampons,
1221
00:53:34,792 --> 00:53:37,041
just also teach us
the same lesson
1222
00:53:37,125 --> 00:53:39,875
-instead of fucking maths.
-(laughter)
1223
00:53:39,959 --> 00:53:41,959
Because like I want--
I do-- I should know.
1224
00:53:42,041 --> 00:53:43,583
We should all know
how tampons work.
1225
00:53:43,667 --> 00:53:44,875
'Cause I'm going to be
a father one day,
1226
00:53:44,959 --> 00:53:46,291
and I'm going
to have daughters.
1227
00:53:46,375 --> 00:53:47,709
My daughters are going
to get periods.
1228
00:53:47,792 --> 00:53:49,500
I don't know when,
they don't know when.
1229
00:53:49,583 --> 00:53:52,834
-That's the fun thing
about periods.
-(laughter)
1230
00:53:52,917 --> 00:53:55,834
But their mother might not be
around for their first period.
1231
00:53:55,917 --> 00:53:57,500
She might be at work,
she might be dead.
1232
00:53:57,583 --> 00:53:59,208
Who knows what
the future holds?
1233
00:53:59,291 --> 00:54:01,291
Hey, itchy tits is very common.
1234
00:54:01,375 --> 00:54:03,792
(laughter)
1235
00:54:04,667 --> 00:54:07,125
I want to be able to explain
to my daughters
1236
00:54:07,208 --> 00:54:08,625
how to use tampons, man.
1237
00:54:08,709 --> 00:54:10,041
I don't want to be
crouched in a bathroom
1238
00:54:10,125 --> 00:54:11,792
with a 12-year-old,
holding a tampon going,
1239
00:54:11,875 --> 00:54:14,000
I don't know.
Take a run up?
1240
00:54:14,083 --> 00:54:16,333
(laughter)
1241
00:54:19,875 --> 00:54:21,750
And I'm not criticizing
sex education.
1242
00:54:21,834 --> 00:54:25,250
I think sex education is one
of the most important things
in the entire world.
1243
00:54:25,333 --> 00:54:28,625
Sex doesn't need
to be terrifying
the first time we have it.
1244
00:54:28,709 --> 00:54:31,583
I believe the reason
most of us are terrified
the first time we have sex
1245
00:54:31,667 --> 00:54:33,375
is 'cause we know
so little about it.
1246
00:54:33,458 --> 00:54:34,834
'Cause even when you are
given sex education
1247
00:54:34,917 --> 00:54:36,583
in countries like Scotland
and over here,
1248
00:54:36,667 --> 00:54:39,959
they'll teach you some bits,
but not everything you need
to know.
1249
00:54:40,041 --> 00:54:42,583
Like it's-- it can be
terrifying and stuff.
1250
00:54:42,667 --> 00:54:45,208
Like, 'cause even with all
the sex education I was given,
1251
00:54:45,291 --> 00:54:46,959
I was still fucking
freaked out, man.
1252
00:54:47,041 --> 00:54:49,583
The first time I fingered
a girl terrified me.
1253
00:54:49,667 --> 00:54:51,417
I was 16 years old, right?
1254
00:54:51,500 --> 00:54:53,291
And the reason it scared me
is just because, like,
1255
00:54:53,375 --> 00:54:58,959
the vagina is just
way, way, way, lower...
1256
00:54:59,041 --> 00:55:00,625
(laughter)
1257
00:55:00,709 --> 00:55:03,083
-than I had anticipated
because...
-(laughter)
1258
00:55:03,166 --> 00:55:05,250
'Cause it's, it's fucking--
it's right under there.
1259
00:55:05,333 --> 00:55:08,667
-(laughter)
-Like it's-- 'cause my dick's
on the front.
1260
00:55:08,750 --> 00:55:10,291
(laughter)
1261
00:55:10,375 --> 00:55:11,959
That's where my dick is.
1262
00:55:12,041 --> 00:55:13,291
So, that's where
I thought the pussy was.
1263
00:55:13,375 --> 00:55:15,750
I didn't know you'd
hidden the thing.
1264
00:55:15,834 --> 00:55:18,166
So, cue the most confusing
seven seconds of my life,
1265
00:55:18,250 --> 00:55:20,000
where I'm like, here we go,
about to become a man,
1266
00:55:20,083 --> 00:55:21,291
can't wait to tell
the boys about this.
1267
00:55:21,375 --> 00:55:23,709
-Where the fuck is this thing?
-(laughter)
1268
00:55:23,792 --> 00:55:26,000
Are you a Barbie?
What is this?!
1269
00:55:26,083 --> 00:55:27,500
(laughter)
1270
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:29,792
Must have been worse for her,
just lying there like,
1271
00:55:29,875 --> 00:55:32,625
"Is this cunt trying
to make me piss myself?"
1272
00:55:32,709 --> 00:55:34,834
(laughter)
1273
00:55:36,041 --> 00:55:38,000
Even some of the subjects
they teach in sex education--
1274
00:55:38,083 --> 00:55:40,333
They will teach you things
in sex education
1275
00:55:40,417 --> 00:55:42,166
that has nothing
to do with sex.
1276
00:55:42,250 --> 00:55:45,917
They will teach you things
that only doctors need to know.
1277
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:48,333
"All right, boys and girls,
pay attention to this diagram,
1278
00:55:48,417 --> 00:55:51,542
"'cause this diagram
is crucial to having sex.
1279
00:55:51,625 --> 00:55:54,083
"This is the labia...
1280
00:55:54,166 --> 00:55:56,166
"This is the vulva...
1281
00:55:56,250 --> 00:55:58,166
Uh, this is the vuvuzela."
1282
00:55:58,250 --> 00:56:01,041
(laughter)
1283
00:56:01,125 --> 00:56:04,250
"These are the fallopian tubes."
And you're like, cool!
1284
00:56:04,333 --> 00:56:07,250
What do you want me to do
with that information?
1285
00:56:07,333 --> 00:56:08,709
(laughter)
1286
00:56:08,792 --> 00:56:10,083
"These are the ovaries."
1287
00:56:10,166 --> 00:56:13,291
Listen, if I ever see
the ovaries, I've fucked up.
1288
00:56:13,375 --> 00:56:16,500
-(laughter and applause)
-Like...
1289
00:56:17,291 --> 00:56:21,166
-I fucked up
quite substantially.
-(laughter)
1290
00:56:21,250 --> 00:56:22,709
If I ever see the ovaries,
1291
00:56:22,792 --> 00:56:26,166
I can assure you,
I'm not going to be like,
well, those...
1292
00:56:26,250 --> 00:56:28,417
-(laughter)
-...are your ovaries.
1293
00:56:28,500 --> 00:56:30,083
(laughter)
1294
00:56:30,166 --> 00:56:33,250
I'm gonna be like... (shrieks)
1295
00:56:33,333 --> 00:56:36,291
-What have I done?
-(laughter)
1296
00:56:37,458 --> 00:56:40,125
Where's the clit?
I'm gonna google it anyway!
1297
00:56:40,208 --> 00:56:42,458
(laughter)
1298
00:56:45,834 --> 00:56:48,625
But they don't want to teach
teenagers about the clitoris,
1299
00:56:48,709 --> 00:56:50,542
and if they do, ironically,
they brush over it,
1300
00:56:50,625 --> 00:56:53,917
-because...
-(laughter)
1301
00:56:55,208 --> 00:56:58,792
I think they don't want
teenagers to learn
that sex is fun,
1302
00:56:58,875 --> 00:57:00,417
'cause the fear is
that if teenagers learn
1303
00:57:00,500 --> 00:57:01,875
that sex is fun,
they'll have it more.
1304
00:57:01,959 --> 00:57:03,834
Now, as with all fears,
it's fucking horseshit.
1305
00:57:03,917 --> 00:57:07,041
When you don't teach
teenagers enough about sex,
they become curious.
1306
00:57:07,125 --> 00:57:08,792
We're naturally
inquisitive creatures,
1307
00:57:08,875 --> 00:57:10,250
and they are filled
with hormones.
1308
00:57:10,333 --> 00:57:11,458
So what you're actually doing
1309
00:57:11,542 --> 00:57:13,041
is you're giving them
limited knowledge
1310
00:57:13,125 --> 00:57:15,750
on something that they are
inevitably going to experience,
1311
00:57:15,834 --> 00:57:18,083
and that is incredibly
fucking dangerous.
1312
00:57:18,166 --> 00:57:21,709
Stop teaching children
that sex is for reproduction,
1313
00:57:21,792 --> 00:57:24,792
because we all know that
it fucking isn't, right?
1314
00:57:24,875 --> 00:57:28,917
Reproduction is
one percent of what
sex is actually used for,
1315
00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:31,834
and I am rounding up
heavily there.
1316
00:57:31,917 --> 00:57:33,542
(laughter)
1317
00:57:33,625 --> 00:57:35,083
Most of us have had sex.
1318
00:57:35,166 --> 00:57:37,083
Some of you will have
had sex to have children.
1319
00:57:37,166 --> 00:57:38,917
Those of you that have
had sex to have children,
1320
00:57:39,000 --> 00:57:40,333
I hope will be willing to admit
1321
00:57:40,417 --> 00:57:41,917
that most of the time
you've ever fucked
1322
00:57:42,041 --> 00:57:45,625
-was explicitly to
not have children!
-(laughter)
1323
00:57:45,709 --> 00:57:47,625
Teaching kids that sex
is for reproduction
1324
00:57:47,709 --> 00:57:49,792
is like teaching them
that food is for sustenance.
1325
00:57:49,875 --> 00:57:52,458
Like, yeah, at a base level
millions of years ago
1326
00:57:52,542 --> 00:57:54,000
when survival was
our only purpose,
1327
00:57:54,083 --> 00:57:55,542
of course that's
all it was there for.
1328
00:57:55,625 --> 00:57:57,625
But it's grown and evolved
and changed with us.
1329
00:57:57,709 --> 00:57:59,792
And we've changed the way
we speak to kids about food,
1330
00:57:59,875 --> 00:58:02,125
so why aren't we changing
the way we speak
to them about sex?
1331
00:58:02,208 --> 00:58:03,625
When you teach
your kids how to cook,
1332
00:58:03,709 --> 00:58:05,291
you just don't teach them
how to make oatmeal
1333
00:58:05,375 --> 00:58:07,959
-and only fucking oatmeal.
-(laughter)
1334
00:58:08,041 --> 00:58:10,000
"All right kids, gather round,
this is the one and only
1335
00:58:10,083 --> 00:58:12,458
"recipe you'll need for
the rest of your lives.
1336
00:58:12,542 --> 00:58:15,625
And even then only
when you're starving!"
1337
00:58:15,709 --> 00:58:17,291
(laughter)
1338
00:58:17,375 --> 00:58:19,875
"Don't google any others,
you filthy little pervert.
1339
00:58:19,959 --> 00:58:21,792
-"So...
-(laughter)
1340
00:58:21,875 --> 00:58:24,041
"What you do is you get the oats
and you get the water."
1341
00:58:24,125 --> 00:58:26,834
"My mom makes chicken wings."
"Your mother's a whore, Jason."
1342
00:58:26,917 --> 00:58:30,458
(laughter and applause)
1343
00:58:35,250 --> 00:58:36,750
Sex isn't for reproduction.
1344
00:58:36,834 --> 00:58:39,834
Sex is for love, lust, revenge.
1345
00:58:39,917 --> 00:58:42,000
(laughter)
1346
00:58:42,083 --> 00:58:43,667
Boredom, lost a bet, won a bet,
1347
00:58:43,750 --> 00:58:46,583
order a Dominos, see if you can
beat it to the front door.
1348
00:58:46,667 --> 00:58:48,250
(laughter)
1349
00:58:48,333 --> 00:58:50,333
Also, I'm not suggesting you
teach the science side of sex.
1350
00:58:50,417 --> 00:58:53,250
The science side of sex
is absolutely fucked, right?
1351
00:58:53,333 --> 00:58:55,500
The science side of sex is--
Here's what I was told
when I was young.
1352
00:58:55,583 --> 00:58:58,667
Man gets an erection,
man shoves his erect penis
inside of a lady's vagina,
1353
00:58:58,750 --> 00:59:00,125
at which point his penis
is stimulated enough
1354
00:59:00,208 --> 00:59:02,667
that he ejaculates semen
up into her vuvuzela
1355
00:59:02,750 --> 00:59:04,333
where a goblin then hoards it
1356
00:59:04,417 --> 00:59:05,834
and turns it into
gingerbread men.
1357
00:59:05,917 --> 00:59:07,417
-Who gives a shit?
-(laughter)
1358
00:59:07,500 --> 00:59:10,208
Only a doctor and midwife
need to know about that.
1359
00:59:10,291 --> 00:59:11,875
Because when I was 12 years old,
1360
00:59:11,959 --> 00:59:15,458
all that manifested itself
in my brain as was,
women are vessels.
1361
00:59:15,542 --> 00:59:17,250
Because what I was told was,
here's what sex is.
1362
00:59:17,333 --> 00:59:19,375
Man gets an erection,
man shoves it in,
1363
00:59:19,458 --> 00:59:22,041
man comes,
that's the definition of sex.
1364
00:59:22,125 --> 00:59:25,208
By the sounds of things,
she's just lying there
the whole time like--
1365
00:59:25,291 --> 00:59:26,959
(laughter)
1366
00:59:27,041 --> 00:59:29,000
-"Thanks."
-(laughter)
1367
00:59:29,083 --> 00:59:32,041
-"That was real nice of you
to do that for me."
-(laughter)
1368
00:59:32,125 --> 00:59:35,542
"I'll just go turn this
into an Uber driver, shall I?"
1369
00:59:35,625 --> 00:59:37,792
(laughter)
1370
00:59:37,875 --> 00:59:40,291
I was never taught
that women enjoyed sex.
1371
00:59:40,375 --> 00:59:42,375
So, the first couple
of times I had sex,
1372
00:59:42,458 --> 00:59:44,208
I wasn't trying
to make it enjoyable
1373
00:59:44,291 --> 00:59:45,667
for anyone other than myself.
1374
00:59:45,750 --> 00:59:48,083
Thank God for
my first girlfriend!
1375
00:59:48,166 --> 00:59:50,250
First time we fucked,
she was like, "I didn't come."
1376
00:59:50,333 --> 00:59:52,750
And I was like,
"You fucking come?"
1377
00:59:52,834 --> 00:59:55,333
(laughter)
1378
00:59:55,417 --> 00:59:57,250
I was never taught
that women enjoyed sex.
1379
00:59:57,333 --> 00:59:58,750
You never taught me
that a lot of the time
1380
00:59:58,834 --> 01:00:00,250
women have a higher
libido than men.
1381
01:00:00,333 --> 01:00:02,709
You never taught me that
some of them like to be choked.
1382
01:00:02,792 --> 01:00:04,709
That was a weird day!
1383
01:00:04,792 --> 01:00:07,500
(laughter and applause)
1384
01:00:08,750 --> 01:00:10,750
I could have done
with that information
1385
01:00:10,834 --> 01:00:13,083
a lot fucking sooner
than I got it!
1386
01:00:13,166 --> 01:00:14,583
(laughter)
1387
01:00:14,667 --> 01:00:18,083
You want me to what?
What? Do I like this?
1388
01:00:18,166 --> 01:00:20,500
(laughter)
1389
01:00:21,959 --> 01:00:25,959
And I'm not suggesting
we get teachers to teach
this type of sex education.
1390
01:00:26,041 --> 01:00:29,000
We do not pay teachers enough
money to say the word orgasm
1391
01:00:29,083 --> 01:00:31,333
50 times in front of
a bunch of 12-year-olds.
1392
01:00:31,417 --> 01:00:32,709
(laughter)
1393
01:00:32,792 --> 01:00:34,250
But just 'cause you can't
get teachers to do it,
1394
01:00:34,333 --> 01:00:35,834
doesn't mean you can't get
somebody from the outside.
1395
01:00:35,917 --> 01:00:37,917
Somebody that's going to be
fun and engaging with the kids.
1396
01:00:38,000 --> 01:00:40,625
Somebody that they know
is there to talk to them
openly and honestly about sex.
1397
01:00:40,709 --> 01:00:42,333
Someone they're not scared
to ask questions to.
1398
01:00:42,417 --> 01:00:46,375
Someone that's
sort of fun, charismatic,
with stage presence.
1399
01:00:46,458 --> 01:00:48,834
(laughter)
1400
01:00:49,875 --> 01:00:51,291
(laughter)
1401
01:00:51,375 --> 01:00:52,959
-I'll do it.
-(laughter)
1402
01:00:53,041 --> 01:00:56,583
-I'll do it for free.
I'd fucking kill for that job.
-(laughter)
1403
01:00:56,667 --> 01:00:58,333
Hi, boys and girls,
my name is Daniel Sloss,
1404
01:00:58,417 --> 01:01:01,542
but the girls call me Daddy.
I'll get onto that in a second.
1405
01:01:01,625 --> 01:01:04,041
(laughter and applause)
1406
01:01:06,166 --> 01:01:09,458
All right, boys,
first things first,
the vagina way lower.
1407
01:01:09,542 --> 01:01:14,000
Way... lower than it has
any right to be quite frankly.
1408
01:01:14,083 --> 01:01:15,959
Just keep going,
and if you go too far,
1409
01:01:16,041 --> 01:01:18,041
trust me,
she'll fucking tell you.
1410
01:01:18,125 --> 01:01:20,208
(laughter)
1411
01:01:20,291 --> 01:01:22,083
Second thing second,
some of them squirt.
1412
01:01:22,166 --> 01:01:24,834
It might be piss, but none
of us care at this point.
1413
01:01:24,917 --> 01:01:26,750
(laughter)
1414
01:01:28,250 --> 01:01:30,667
And you then have to get
a female in to talk to the kids
1415
01:01:30,750 --> 01:01:32,333
with a female
perspective on sex.
1416
01:01:32,417 --> 01:01:34,458
She can go on before me,
after me, doesn't matter.
1417
01:01:34,542 --> 01:01:36,750
She'll be, "Hi, boys and girls,
my name's Miss Jack.
1418
01:01:36,834 --> 01:01:39,041
"I need to talk to you
about the woman's
experience during sex.
1419
01:01:39,125 --> 01:01:41,792
"And to the young boys in
the classroom, this can be
quite nerve-wracking.
1420
01:01:41,875 --> 01:01:44,333
"You're going through puberty,
your imaginations are
running wild,
1421
01:01:44,417 --> 01:01:45,834
"you've got hormones
running around your body.
1422
01:01:45,917 --> 01:01:47,709
"Probably sitting there
quite nervous going 'Oh, God,
1423
01:01:47,792 --> 01:01:49,917
"this is going to be
so nerve-wracking.
What do I do, what do I do?'
1424
01:01:50,000 --> 01:01:52,083
"Well, let's get all
the curiosity out the way
1425
01:01:52,166 --> 01:01:54,458
right up top,
because it's all natural."
1426
01:01:55,166 --> 01:01:56,458
(laughter)
1427
01:01:56,542 --> 01:01:58,792
"There you go, that's a vagina.
1428
01:01:58,875 --> 01:02:01,291
-Look at it!"
-(laughter)
1429
01:02:01,375 --> 01:02:03,375
"Now, boys pay attention,
this is a real pussy.
1430
01:02:03,458 --> 01:02:04,917
"This ain't one of those
porno pussies.
1431
01:02:05,000 --> 01:02:08,375
-This one's been to 'Nam, okay?"
-(laughter)
1432
01:02:08,458 --> 01:02:11,166
"This is the labia,
this is the vulva,
1433
01:02:11,250 --> 01:02:13,709
-this is the vuvuzela."
-(laughter)
1434
01:02:13,792 --> 01:02:15,583
"This is the, um...
1435
01:02:17,041 --> 01:02:19,458
-What the fuck is that?
-(laughter)
1436
01:02:19,542 --> 01:02:22,208
-"Oh, that's a tampon string,
I apologize."
-(laughter)
1437
01:02:22,291 --> 01:02:24,750
"Sorry. No, no, boys,
it's not disgusting actually.
1438
01:02:24,834 --> 01:02:27,166
"In fact, it's
perfectly natural.
In fact, any volunteers?
1439
01:02:27,250 --> 01:02:29,000
-"Any?
-(laughter)
1440
01:02:29,083 --> 01:02:31,041
"No? Real men
do it with their teeth?
1441
01:02:31,125 --> 01:02:33,583
(audience laughs, groans)
1442
01:02:33,667 --> 01:02:35,333
"All right boys,
get your notepads out.
1443
01:02:35,417 --> 01:02:37,417
"Just up here, look boys.
This is where the clitoris is.
1444
01:02:37,500 --> 01:02:38,959
"It's actually surprisingly
easy to find.
1445
01:02:39,041 --> 01:02:41,250
"But here's the insider tip:
just because you found it,
1446
01:02:41,333 --> 01:02:43,250
doesn't mean you have
to beat it to death.
1447
01:02:43,333 --> 01:02:46,917
-(laughter)
-"Be gentle! It's not
Osama Bin Laden.
1448
01:02:47,000 --> 01:02:49,917
"Just because you found it,
doesn't mean it has to die.
1449
01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:52,291
(laughter)
1450
01:02:53,333 --> 01:02:55,083
By the way, if your girlfriend
laughed at that joke,
1451
01:02:55,166 --> 01:02:57,625
you can't eat pussy for shit.
1452
01:02:57,709 --> 01:03:00,333
(laughter and applause)
1453
01:03:07,458 --> 01:03:09,917
I think sex education
needs to be improved,
1454
01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:12,500
and I think it needs to be made
compulsory around the world.
1455
01:03:12,583 --> 01:03:16,125
If you want proof of why
sex education is needed
now more than ever,
1456
01:03:16,208 --> 01:03:19,542
look at the current sexual
climate that we live in.
1457
01:03:19,625 --> 01:03:23,208
Exactly.
Things aren't going very well.
1458
01:03:23,291 --> 01:03:24,959
A lot of people don't
seem to know the rules.
1459
01:03:25,041 --> 01:03:27,458
Or if they do know the rules,
they don't seem to care.
1460
01:03:27,542 --> 01:03:31,291
It's very, very easy to not
sexually assault someone.
1461
01:03:31,375 --> 01:03:33,041
Watch.
1462
01:03:33,125 --> 01:03:35,500
(laughter)
1463
01:03:35,583 --> 01:03:38,667
-Nailed it. Now...
-(laughter and applause)
1464
01:03:42,291 --> 01:03:44,667
I'm very aware that my industry,
the entertainment industry,
1465
01:03:44,750 --> 01:03:46,208
is a massive part
of the problem.
1466
01:03:46,291 --> 01:03:47,667
It's where the MeToo
movement started.
1467
01:03:47,750 --> 01:03:49,083
Now, although I don't have
direct experience in it,
1468
01:03:49,166 --> 01:03:50,917
it doesn't mean
I haven't heard the stories,
1469
01:03:51,000 --> 01:03:52,834
and it doesn't mean
it hasn't affected people
that I know and love.
1470
01:03:52,917 --> 01:03:55,959
My agent/manager,
who I've been with
11 years now,
1471
01:03:56,041 --> 01:03:58,250
ten years ago
she was told by somebody
1472
01:03:58,333 --> 01:04:00,667
very, very, very high up
from the BBC
1473
01:04:00,750 --> 01:04:03,375
that if she wanted her TV show
for one of her clients,
1474
01:04:03,458 --> 01:04:06,166
she had to suck his dick.
Right? Yeah.
1475
01:04:06,250 --> 01:04:08,834
And she said no, which makes
me question her commitment.
1476
01:04:08,917 --> 01:04:11,041
-But, um...
-(laughter)
1477
01:04:11,125 --> 01:04:14,834
But-- but despite
her selfishness,
1478
01:04:14,917 --> 01:04:18,583
-my career has flourished.
-(laughter)
1479
01:04:18,667 --> 01:04:20,667
I'm assuming Netflix was anal.
1480
01:04:20,750 --> 01:04:23,500
(laughter)
1481
01:04:23,583 --> 01:04:27,250
-Mainly because
I gave Netflix anal.
-(laughter)
1482
01:04:27,333 --> 01:04:29,083
Look, I've made horrible
jokes about it now,
1483
01:04:29,166 --> 01:04:31,208
but she didn't tell me about
this when it happened.
1484
01:04:31,291 --> 01:04:34,083
She told me about this
last year when I was
writing this show
1485
01:04:34,166 --> 01:04:37,166
and she saw the content,
or some of it, and she told me.
1486
01:04:37,250 --> 01:04:39,375
And I was like,
why didn't you tell me about
this when it happened?
1487
01:04:39,458 --> 01:04:41,417
And she was like,
"Well, there's nothing
you could have done,
1488
01:04:41,500 --> 01:04:42,917
"there's nothing
you would have done.
1489
01:04:43,000 --> 01:04:45,125
And why would I tell you
about one in ten experiences?"
1490
01:04:45,208 --> 01:04:47,208
And that was a moment
that really fucking hit me
in the chest.
1491
01:04:47,291 --> 01:04:48,583
Well, oh, Jesus Christ, I...
1492
01:04:48,667 --> 01:04:50,709
I didn't know
it was that common.
1493
01:04:50,792 --> 01:04:52,917
Now, regardless of what your
stance on the MeToo movement is,
1494
01:04:53,000 --> 01:04:55,125
the conclusion everyone has
to have arrived at by now
1495
01:04:55,208 --> 01:04:56,834
is that this shit
is horrifically common,
1496
01:04:56,917 --> 01:04:58,208
'cause that's just
there in the stats.
1497
01:04:58,291 --> 01:05:00,625
Like 50 women came forward
about Bill Cosby.
1498
01:05:00,709 --> 01:05:02,917
Eighty women came forward
about Harvey Weinstein.
1499
01:05:03,000 --> 01:05:05,208
Yet there are still some people
who will look at that and go,
1500
01:05:05,291 --> 01:05:09,083
"Well, I guess we'll never
know what happened."
1501
01:05:09,166 --> 01:05:12,041
(laughter)
1502
01:05:12,125 --> 01:05:14,959
Fucking hell, I bet you were
shite at Blues Clues .
1503
01:05:15,041 --> 01:05:17,458
(laughter)
1504
01:05:18,458 --> 01:05:20,875
Man, if 50 women accused me
of sexual assault,
1505
01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:23,667
-I'd think I'd done it.
-(laughter)
1506
01:05:23,750 --> 01:05:25,917
It's too many to not be true.
1507
01:05:26,000 --> 01:05:28,125
If 50 women are like,
"You sexually assaulted us,"
1508
01:05:28,208 --> 01:05:31,000
-I'd be like, fuck, did I?
-(laughter)
1509
01:05:31,083 --> 01:05:32,583
I must have!
1510
01:05:32,667 --> 01:05:34,792
There's no other reason
why you would all say that.
1511
01:05:34,875 --> 01:05:37,458
Unless you all had
a meeting in the bathroom--
I know what's up.
1512
01:05:37,542 --> 01:05:39,417
-Like...
-(laughter)
1513
01:05:39,500 --> 01:05:42,917
Certain men-- not all, not most,
but definitely some men--
1514
01:05:43,000 --> 01:05:45,250
felt attacked by
the MeToo movement,
1515
01:05:45,333 --> 01:05:48,125
which is an incredibly
interesting stance to take.
1516
01:05:48,208 --> 01:05:49,917
(laughter)
1517
01:05:50,000 --> 01:05:52,750
If you feel under attack
by the MeToo movement,
here's my question for you.
1518
01:05:52,834 --> 01:05:55,208
-What have you done?
-(laughter)
1519
01:05:55,291 --> 01:05:58,041
Like, what alarm bell is going
off in the back of your head?
1520
01:05:58,125 --> 01:06:01,083
'Cause I think most men had
a similar reaction to the MeToo
movement that I did.
1521
01:06:01,166 --> 01:06:03,166
Which is, you sat there
watching Facebook, Twitter,
1522
01:06:03,250 --> 01:06:05,208
the news, wherever it is that
you get your information from
1523
01:06:05,291 --> 01:06:07,083
and you're just sat there
being like, oh, fucking hell.
1524
01:06:07,166 --> 01:06:09,542
Okay, I knew it was a problem,
but I didn't realize
it was this big.
1525
01:06:09,625 --> 01:06:11,166
Oh, my God, okay,
this is everywhere.
1526
01:06:11,250 --> 01:06:13,041
Oh, my God, I didn't realize it
affected that many women I know.
1527
01:06:13,125 --> 01:06:15,125
Fucking hell, I feel
a bit closed-minded.
Jesus Christ, I didn't--
1528
01:06:15,208 --> 01:06:16,959
And then very secretly
and very privately,
1529
01:06:17,041 --> 01:06:19,250
we all went upstairs to visit
our very own Nigels
1530
01:06:19,333 --> 01:06:21,917
-to run a quick background
check on ourselves.
-(laughter)
1531
01:06:22,000 --> 01:06:24,959
Zero shame in double-checking.
That's the first thing I did.
1532
01:06:25,041 --> 01:06:27,959
I ran straight upstairs
and I was like, Nigel!
1533
01:06:28,041 --> 01:06:29,208
And he was like, "Mr. Sloss!"
1534
01:06:29,291 --> 01:06:31,458
I went, zero time
for that shit, Nigel.
1535
01:06:31,542 --> 01:06:33,333
There's some very serious
stuff going on outside.
1536
01:06:33,417 --> 01:06:36,458
I need you to run through
every single sexual encounter
I've ever had
1537
01:06:36,542 --> 01:06:38,542
and make sure it was all
above board and consensual.
1538
01:06:38,625 --> 01:06:40,959
And he was like, "You know,
that might take a while."
And then we high-fived.
1539
01:06:41,041 --> 01:06:45,291
-And then...
-(laughter and applause)
1540
01:06:46,583 --> 01:06:49,750
-And then seven days later...
-(laughter)
1541
01:06:49,834 --> 01:06:51,542
He was like, "Mr. Sloss,
just double-checked.
1542
01:06:51,625 --> 01:06:53,000
As we thought,
you're all in the clear."
1543
01:06:53,083 --> 01:06:54,417
I was like, that's
excellent news, Nigel.
1544
01:06:54,500 --> 01:06:56,041
I'm going to go
assist the movement.
1545
01:06:56,125 --> 01:06:58,000
But some men went
to visit their Nigels,
1546
01:06:58,083 --> 01:06:59,542
and their Nigels were like,
1547
01:06:59,625 --> 01:07:03,250
-"Burn it down!"
-(laughter)
1548
01:07:03,333 --> 01:07:04,834
And these are the men
that are trying
1549
01:07:04,917 --> 01:07:06,542
to change the narrative
of the MeToo movement,
1550
01:07:06,625 --> 01:07:08,375
and they're doing it in
a very, very intelligent way.
1551
01:07:08,458 --> 01:07:09,834
They're doing it via deflection.
1552
01:07:09,917 --> 01:07:11,333
They're bringing up things
that are important
1553
01:07:11,417 --> 01:07:13,667
but not necessary to what
the discussion is about.
1554
01:07:13,750 --> 01:07:15,166
They'll say things like,
"What about men?
1555
01:07:15,250 --> 01:07:16,709
Men get sexually assaulted too."
1556
01:07:16,792 --> 01:07:19,125
Yes, yes they do.
By men.
1557
01:07:19,750 --> 01:07:23,000
Eighty-four percent of male
sexual assault survivors
were sexually assaulted by men.
1558
01:07:23,083 --> 01:07:24,834
"But what about
all the false allegations?"
1559
01:07:24,917 --> 01:07:27,291
Well, less than one percent
of rape allegations are false.
1560
01:07:27,375 --> 01:07:30,417
"Well, it's a witch hunt!
It's a bloody witch hunt!"
1561
01:07:30,500 --> 01:07:32,542
Well, it's not.
1562
01:07:32,625 --> 01:07:35,875
-Mainly 'cause
witches didn't exist.
-(laughter)
1563
01:07:35,959 --> 01:07:38,291
-That's why witch hunts
were shitty.
-(laughter)
1564
01:07:38,375 --> 01:07:41,917
Every single woman that was
burned alive for being a witch
was innocent,
1565
01:07:42,000 --> 01:07:44,875
because there's no such thing
as fucking witches.
1566
01:07:44,959 --> 01:07:47,000
There are such things
as rapists.
1567
01:07:47,083 --> 01:07:48,709
It's not like
in 200 years' time,
1568
01:07:48,792 --> 01:07:51,583
we're gonna find out
that rapists were also
mythical creatures.
1569
01:07:51,667 --> 01:07:54,458
-(laughter)
-We're not going to glorify them
1570
01:07:54,542 --> 01:07:56,166
in the same way that
we've glorified witches.
1571
01:07:56,250 --> 01:07:58,375
In 50 years' time, you're not
going to see a bunch of kids
1572
01:07:58,458 --> 01:08:00,875
running around on Halloween
dressed as R. Kelly.
1573
01:08:00,959 --> 01:08:05,542
(laughter and applause)
1574
01:08:05,625 --> 01:08:07,667
(cheering, whistling)
1575
01:08:11,375 --> 01:08:13,917
-No.
-(laughter)
1576
01:08:14,333 --> 01:08:16,083
If you've ever seen
my live shows before,
1577
01:08:16,166 --> 01:08:18,750
you'll understand
that they follow a very
similar format every year.
1578
01:08:18,834 --> 01:08:21,291
I do about 70 to 75 minutes
worth of jokes.
1579
01:08:21,375 --> 01:08:24,500
Jokes that I enjoy telling,
jokes that I sincerely hope
you enjoy listening to.
1580
01:08:24,583 --> 01:08:26,375
And then at the end,
once I've legally fulfilled
1581
01:08:26,458 --> 01:08:27,875
my contract of
being a comedian,
1582
01:08:27,959 --> 01:08:30,750
I do a sad
15 minute TED talk.
1583
01:08:30,834 --> 01:08:32,625
(laughter)
1584
01:08:32,709 --> 01:08:36,333
Now the reason I do this
at the end is just because,
like, my stand up, it's just--
1585
01:08:36,417 --> 01:08:38,250
it's me talking to you about
all the stuff that's on my mind,
1586
01:08:38,333 --> 01:08:39,750
and I'm a fucking silly moron.
1587
01:08:39,834 --> 01:08:41,333
But sometimes I think
about serious things,
1588
01:08:41,417 --> 01:08:42,917
and it feels disingenuous
1589
01:08:43,000 --> 01:08:45,500
to not talk to you about
everything that's on my mind.
1590
01:08:45,583 --> 01:08:47,250
So, normally when I talk
about serious issues,
1591
01:08:47,333 --> 01:08:49,625
I'll talk about something
I've got an experience in.
1592
01:08:49,709 --> 01:08:50,875
I don't think that's crucial.
1593
01:08:50,959 --> 01:08:52,375
It's just a choice
I've made so far.
1594
01:08:52,458 --> 01:08:54,125
That's why in the past,
I've done jokes about death,
1595
01:08:54,208 --> 01:08:56,583
because I had a sister that
died when I was eight years old.
1596
01:08:56,667 --> 01:08:58,375
I've done jokes
about disability.
1597
01:08:58,458 --> 01:08:59,625
She had cerebral palsy.
1598
01:08:59,709 --> 01:09:01,458
I've done jokes about
having a giant dick.
1599
01:09:01,542 --> 01:09:05,041
-It's a burden I must bear.
-(laughter)
1600
01:09:06,208 --> 01:09:07,417
But when it comes
to sexual assault,
1601
01:09:07,500 --> 01:09:09,333
even though I've never
been sexually assaulted
1602
01:09:09,417 --> 01:09:11,291
and I've never done
a sexual assault,
1603
01:09:11,375 --> 01:09:14,208
to say that it doesn't affect
me just isn't true,
1604
01:09:14,291 --> 01:09:15,959
because it affects
people I know and love
1605
01:09:16,041 --> 01:09:17,333
and that in turn affects me.
1606
01:09:17,417 --> 01:09:19,041
Like one of my closest friends
for five years,
1607
01:09:19,125 --> 01:09:20,458
she's been sexually assaulted.
1608
01:09:20,542 --> 01:09:23,500
You don't get to tell me
that this isn't a me issue too.
1609
01:09:23,583 --> 01:09:25,291
A little bit of
a backstory to her.
1610
01:09:25,375 --> 01:09:27,417
The reason we became friends
is because she drinks
more than I do,
1611
01:09:27,500 --> 01:09:28,792
she swears like a trucker,
1612
01:09:28,875 --> 01:09:31,333
and she's the only person
that has ever told a joke
1613
01:09:31,417 --> 01:09:34,417
that made me go,
Jesus fucking Christ!
1614
01:09:34,500 --> 01:09:36,166
(laughter)
1615
01:09:36,250 --> 01:09:39,208
And she's done that on
three separate occasions.
1616
01:09:39,291 --> 01:09:42,333
-And I will tell you
all three.
-(laughter)
1617
01:09:42,417 --> 01:09:44,917
Me and her were having
a dinner, uh, last year.
1618
01:09:45,000 --> 01:09:46,667
Just we happened to be
in the same city.
1619
01:09:46,750 --> 01:09:49,667
I was gigging,
she was working there,
pure fucking coincidence.
1620
01:09:49,750 --> 01:09:51,208
Went out for food
after the show.
1621
01:09:51,291 --> 01:09:52,500
While we were out having food,
1622
01:09:52,583 --> 01:09:54,083
second coincidence
of the day happened.
1623
01:09:54,166 --> 01:09:55,709
Two of my guy friends walked by.
1624
01:09:55,792 --> 01:09:57,500
I'm like, what the fuck
are you cunts doing here?
1625
01:09:57,583 --> 01:09:59,208
They're like,
"We're getting shit-faced.
Do you want to come?"
1626
01:09:59,291 --> 01:10:00,750
I was like, uh-huh.
1627
01:10:00,834 --> 01:10:02,333
And they were like,
"Who's that?"
And I introduced them.
1628
01:10:02,417 --> 01:10:04,000
And it was one of those
nerve-wracking moments.
1629
01:10:04,083 --> 01:10:07,417
I don't know if you've ever had
two social groups meet before,
1630
01:10:07,500 --> 01:10:09,291
but it's kind of like
an Avengers movie
1631
01:10:09,375 --> 01:10:11,875
where you're like, fuck,
I hope they get on.
1632
01:10:11,959 --> 01:10:14,500
And they did, and they got out,
we went drinking.
1633
01:10:14,583 --> 01:10:16,041
Now, about one or two
in the morning,
1634
01:10:16,125 --> 01:10:18,375
I decided to go home just 'cause
I had a show the next day
1635
01:10:18,458 --> 01:10:20,000
and I don't like being
hungover for shows
1636
01:10:20,083 --> 01:10:22,333
-because I'm a professional--
-(laughter)
1637
01:10:22,417 --> 01:10:25,250
-Well caught. That is
the first lie of the show.
-(laughter)
1638
01:10:25,333 --> 01:10:27,875
Somebody gave me a joint,
and I went home for a wank.
1639
01:10:27,959 --> 01:10:29,625
-And...
-(laughter)
1640
01:10:29,709 --> 01:10:33,208
-I had a great wank.
Thank you for asking.
-(laughter)
1641
01:10:33,291 --> 01:10:35,333
Two days later I met up
with her for breakfast,
1642
01:10:35,417 --> 01:10:37,208
and I was like, so how was
the rest of the night?
1643
01:10:37,291 --> 01:10:39,000
She was like,
"I'm not telling you."
1644
01:10:39,083 --> 01:10:42,375
And I was like,
Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho. Fuck yes!
1645
01:10:42,458 --> 01:10:43,542
(laughter)
1646
01:10:43,625 --> 01:10:45,750
It's the international
sign of gossip.
1647
01:10:45,834 --> 01:10:48,333
She goes, "I'm not telling you."
And I'm like, oh, you will.
1648
01:10:48,417 --> 01:10:50,500
Tell me, tell me, tell me,
tell me, tell me.
1649
01:10:50,583 --> 01:10:52,250
Eventually I managed
to get her to crack.
1650
01:10:52,333 --> 01:10:53,709
It turns out after I'd left,
1651
01:10:53,792 --> 01:10:57,125
one of my closest friends
of eight years raped her.
1652
01:10:58,667 --> 01:11:04,291
Which is not information
that I wanted to receive
over breakfast.
1653
01:11:04,375 --> 01:11:06,333
Uh, or at any meal.
1654
01:11:06,417 --> 01:11:07,709
It's not like I was
sat there being like,
1655
01:11:07,792 --> 01:11:09,667
well, this could have
waited until lunch.
1656
01:11:09,750 --> 01:11:11,083
(laughter)
1657
01:11:11,166 --> 01:11:15,083
I was horrified, I was shocked,
I was angry, I believed her.
1658
01:11:15,166 --> 01:11:17,959
Uh, I asked the questions
that I think you want to ask
1659
01:11:18,041 --> 01:11:19,291
when you're in that situation.
1660
01:11:19,375 --> 01:11:22,667
I was like, are you okay?
and she was like,
1661
01:11:22,750 --> 01:11:24,458
-"No!"
-(laughter)
1662
01:11:24,542 --> 01:11:27,333
And I was like, yeah, no,
fair point, stupid question.
1663
01:11:27,417 --> 01:11:29,458
Can I have another one please?
1664
01:11:29,542 --> 01:11:31,625
And then I asked a question
that I didn't want to ask.
1665
01:11:31,709 --> 01:11:35,000
Now, in hindsight I understand
that I should not have asked
this question,
1666
01:11:35,083 --> 01:11:37,625
but I'm not going to lie to you
and tell you that I didn't.
1667
01:11:37,709 --> 01:11:40,458
It was a ignorant question and
it came from an ignorant man.
1668
01:11:40,542 --> 01:11:42,834
I asked the question.
I said, I have to ask,
1669
01:11:42,917 --> 01:11:46,792
I've known this guy
for eight years.
Did you... did you say no?
1670
01:11:46,875 --> 01:11:48,667
And these are
her words not mine.
1671
01:11:48,750 --> 01:11:52,709
She went, "Yeah, more times
than the 2 Unlimited song."
1672
01:11:53,375 --> 01:11:55,000
To which I said...
1673
01:11:55,625 --> 01:11:59,166
-Fucking wh--
Fucking what song?
-(laughter)
1674
01:11:59,250 --> 01:12:01,417
And she was like,
"Oh for Christ--
You know the...
1675
01:12:01,500 --> 01:12:07,417
♪ No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no,
there's no limit ♪
1676
01:12:07,500 --> 01:12:08,834
-Now...
-(laughter)
1677
01:12:08,917 --> 01:12:10,583
I'm with most of you.
1678
01:12:10,667 --> 01:12:13,458
As a human being that
makes me immeasurably sad,
1679
01:12:13,542 --> 01:12:16,709
-but as a comedian, muwah!
-(laughter)
1680
01:12:16,792 --> 01:12:18,875
That is such a stunning joke,
1681
01:12:18,959 --> 01:12:21,041
and I can't express to you
how hard I laughed
1682
01:12:21,125 --> 01:12:22,417
because it caught me off guard.
1683
01:12:22,500 --> 01:12:23,834
I'd heard the worst thing
I'd heard in my life,
1684
01:12:23,917 --> 01:12:25,417
and then this joke
sidelined me.
1685
01:12:25,500 --> 01:12:26,667
And I saw the look in her eyes.
1686
01:12:26,750 --> 01:12:28,458
I know that look of
"just fucking say it."
1687
01:12:28,542 --> 01:12:30,250
-(laughter)
-Like, it made me
laugh so much.
1688
01:12:30,333 --> 01:12:33,583
'Cause I understand making
jokes about a serious subject
1689
01:12:33,667 --> 01:12:36,500
does not mean that you
do not take it seriously.
1690
01:12:36,583 --> 01:12:38,542
It just means that for
a brief moment in time,
1691
01:12:38,625 --> 01:12:41,667
you are not allowing it to have
all-consuming power over you.
1692
01:12:41,750 --> 01:12:44,166
I understand the catharsis
of laughing at trauma.
1693
01:12:44,250 --> 01:12:46,583
So, if her way of dealing with
a trauma at that moment in time
1694
01:12:46,667 --> 01:12:48,500
is to make jokes about it,
you bet your fucking ass
1695
01:12:48,583 --> 01:12:50,166
I'm going to allow
her to do that.
1696
01:12:50,250 --> 01:12:52,333
Now, allow me to try
and alleviate some of the fears
1697
01:12:52,417 --> 01:12:53,583
I imagine some of you have
1698
01:12:53,667 --> 01:12:55,291
when I enter into
this type of routine.
1699
01:12:55,375 --> 01:12:57,625
First things first,
I've asked if I can tell
her story on stage.
1700
01:12:57,709 --> 01:12:59,500
It's one of
the first things I did.
1701
01:12:59,583 --> 01:13:01,959
Since she's been through this,
we've been spending
a lot of time together.
1702
01:13:02,041 --> 01:13:05,875
She goes to therapy now,
and we do a thing that we
like to call second therapy,
1703
01:13:05,959 --> 01:13:08,083
which is after first therapy,
she comes to mine,
1704
01:13:08,166 --> 01:13:11,291
-and we drink
17 bottles of wine.
-(laughter)
1705
01:13:11,375 --> 01:13:14,000
And we get high
and we play computer games
1706
01:13:14,083 --> 01:13:15,625
and we make fun
of her therapist
1707
01:13:15,709 --> 01:13:17,375
-and...
-(laughter)
1708
01:13:17,458 --> 01:13:18,959
It's actually better
than real therapy,
1709
01:13:19,041 --> 01:13:21,208
despite what her therapist
will tell you.
1710
01:13:21,291 --> 01:13:22,709
(laughter)
1711
01:13:22,792 --> 01:13:25,250
But what the fuck does she know?
1712
01:13:25,333 --> 01:13:27,291
-(laughter)
-But...
1713
01:13:27,375 --> 01:13:29,208
As a man, talking openly
1714
01:13:29,291 --> 01:13:31,500
about something I've never
spoken openly about before,
1715
01:13:31,583 --> 01:13:35,291
rape, my understanding of it
went through the roof.
1716
01:13:35,792 --> 01:13:37,125
And that's not a bad thing.
1717
01:13:37,208 --> 01:13:39,458
I understood when I was
talking to her afterwards,
1718
01:13:39,542 --> 01:13:41,458
this makes so much
more sense to me.
1719
01:13:41,542 --> 01:13:43,041
I think I should talk
about this on stage,
1720
01:13:43,125 --> 01:13:45,583
but obviously I won't do it
unless you want me to.
1721
01:13:45,667 --> 01:13:47,417
Can I tell your story on stage?
1722
01:13:47,500 --> 01:13:49,417
And she said, "Yes,
1723
01:13:49,500 --> 01:13:52,417
but when has my permission ever
been needed for anything?"
1724
01:13:52,500 --> 01:13:55,583
(audience groans)
1725
01:13:55,667 --> 01:13:58,583
(scattered laughter, applause)
1726
01:13:58,667 --> 01:14:02,041
(audience murmuring)
1727
01:14:02,125 --> 01:14:04,625
-Well...
-(laughter)
1728
01:14:04,709 --> 01:14:06,917
Except I didn't do that.
I laughed at that joke
for 25 minutes.
1729
01:14:07,000 --> 01:14:09,083
-(laughter)
-Once I was done laughing,
1730
01:14:09,166 --> 01:14:12,875
-and once she was done
doing laps of victory...
-(laughter)
1731
01:14:12,959 --> 01:14:14,583
She was like,
"Yes, not only can you,
1732
01:14:14,667 --> 01:14:16,917
I think that you should."
So, I'm going to.
1733
01:14:17,000 --> 01:14:19,333
And this is when we arrive
at this point in the show.
1734
01:14:19,417 --> 01:14:21,250
You've all paid to see
a comedy show,
1735
01:14:21,333 --> 01:14:23,166
and I'm now talking about rape.
1736
01:14:23,250 --> 01:14:25,291
And some of you, rightfully,
1737
01:14:25,375 --> 01:14:27,875
do not want me to try
and make that funny.
1738
01:14:27,959 --> 01:14:31,250
So here we are...
uncomfortable.
1739
01:14:31,333 --> 01:14:33,959
-(laughter)
-I don't know if you've
seen me before,
1740
01:14:34,041 --> 01:14:36,458
but I'm quite good at dealing
with uncomfortable situations.
1741
01:14:36,542 --> 01:14:39,542
-Mainly because I create them.
-(laughter)
1742
01:14:39,625 --> 01:14:41,166
Gonna ask for
a little bit of trust here.
1743
01:14:41,250 --> 01:14:43,291
Remember at the start of the
show when I said I loved kids
1744
01:14:43,375 --> 01:14:45,125
and you thought that was
going to be a pedo joke?
1745
01:14:45,208 --> 01:14:47,458
Turns out it was a nice joke
about how much I loved
my goddaughter.
1746
01:14:47,542 --> 01:14:49,083
Gonna ask for the same
type of trust here.
1747
01:14:49,166 --> 01:14:50,959
Trust that my heart's
in the right place.
1748
01:14:51,041 --> 01:14:53,875
And also, understand
that for the first time
ever in my fucking career
1749
01:14:53,959 --> 01:14:57,166
I do not hold a controversial
opinion on a subject.
1750
01:14:57,250 --> 01:14:58,542
Not only that,
it's the first time ever
1751
01:14:58,625 --> 01:15:00,125
I can confidently say,
I'm telling a joke where
1752
01:15:00,208 --> 01:15:02,792
we're all on the same side.
We're all on the same side.
1753
01:15:02,875 --> 01:15:05,166
We all agree that rape is
the worst thing you can do.
1754
01:15:05,250 --> 01:15:06,667
It is the worst thing
you can do.
1755
01:15:06,750 --> 01:15:10,000
-Murder is justifiable.
-(laughter)
1756
01:15:10,083 --> 01:15:12,417
-Of course it is.
-(laughter)
1757
01:15:12,500 --> 01:15:15,417
-Not legally but to us.
-(laughter)
1758
01:15:15,500 --> 01:15:17,166
If I was to talk to you
after this show,
1759
01:15:17,250 --> 01:15:19,375
it'd be like, "Hey,
does anyone deserve to die?"
1760
01:15:19,458 --> 01:15:21,667
You'd be like, "Daniel!
What a horrible thing to say!
1761
01:15:21,750 --> 01:15:24,333
Why on earth would you ever--?
Yeah, who's on your list?"
1762
01:15:24,417 --> 01:15:26,166
(laughter)
1763
01:15:26,250 --> 01:15:30,250
You can under some extreme
circumstances justify murder.
1764
01:15:30,333 --> 01:15:34,000
You cannot under any
circumstance justify rape.
1765
01:15:34,083 --> 01:15:37,000
That's why you've never been
asked the moral question
in philosophy,
1766
01:15:37,083 --> 01:15:43,000
"Hey, if you could go back
in time, would you rape Hitler?"
1767
01:15:43,083 --> 01:15:46,208
(laughter)
1768
01:15:48,583 --> 01:15:51,083
-N-N-No.
-(laughter)
1769
01:15:51,166 --> 01:15:54,875
"No, but like when he's a baby?"
That's much worse!
1770
01:15:54,959 --> 01:15:57,125
(laughter)
1771
01:16:03,959 --> 01:16:05,792
Rape is the worst
thing you can do.
1772
01:16:05,875 --> 01:16:07,417
So what do you do
when you find out
1773
01:16:07,500 --> 01:16:09,959
that one of your closest friends
is not only capable of doing it,
1774
01:16:10,041 --> 01:16:12,375
but has done it to someone
that you love dearly?
1775
01:16:12,458 --> 01:16:14,333
Um, I didn't handle it well.
1776
01:16:14,417 --> 01:16:16,208
I'm still not handling it
that well to be honest with you.
1777
01:16:16,291 --> 01:16:19,375
It's a tough thing to process.
it's a hard thing
to come to terms with.
1778
01:16:19,458 --> 01:16:21,000
He was one of
my closest friends.
1779
01:16:21,083 --> 01:16:23,125
My initial reaction wasn't
a fucking strong one.
1780
01:16:23,208 --> 01:16:25,667
It was one of, you know,
toxic masculinity,
one of violence.
1781
01:16:25,750 --> 01:16:28,166
The caveman in my brain
was like, "Shall I take over?"
1782
01:16:28,250 --> 01:16:30,291
And I was like, 100%.
1783
01:16:30,375 --> 01:16:33,000
If there was ever a time
to hunter-gatherer,
it's fucking now.
1784
01:16:33,083 --> 01:16:34,709
All I wanted to do
was just find him
1785
01:16:34,792 --> 01:16:36,834
and just pin him down and put
his head on the side of the curb
1786
01:16:36,917 --> 01:16:39,458
and just stamp on his head
repeatedly until he was dead.
1787
01:16:39,542 --> 01:16:41,917
I'm like, that's the dictionary
definition of justice
1788
01:16:42,000 --> 01:16:43,917
if you own a Russian dictionary.
1789
01:16:44,000 --> 01:16:46,750
-And...
-(laughter)
1790
01:16:46,834 --> 01:16:49,291
I stood up and I was like,
I'm going to go beat him up.
1791
01:16:49,375 --> 01:16:52,417
And she was like,
"Oh, for fuck sake.
1792
01:16:52,500 --> 01:16:54,500
"No, you're not,
because if you beat him up,
1793
01:16:54,583 --> 01:16:56,333
all you do is you
make him the victim."
1794
01:16:56,417 --> 01:16:59,083
And I was like, I dunno what
to do with all of this anger!
1795
01:16:59,166 --> 01:17:01,250
And she was like,
"Now you know how I feel."
1796
01:17:01,333 --> 01:17:04,166
And I was like, whoa, I'll just
get back into my place.
1797
01:17:04,250 --> 01:17:05,667
(laughter)
1798
01:17:05,750 --> 01:17:08,333
-I'll be here
when you need me.
-(laughter)
1799
01:17:08,417 --> 01:17:10,959
Do you know the WiFi--
doesn't matter.
1800
01:17:11,041 --> 01:17:13,083
(laughter)
1801
01:17:13,166 --> 01:17:15,583
She let me confront him,
I was allowed to do that.
1802
01:17:15,667 --> 01:17:17,542
I wanted to-- It wasn't going
to change my opinion of him.
1803
01:17:17,625 --> 01:17:19,458
But, yeah, I wanted to hear
what he had to say for himself.
1804
01:17:19,542 --> 01:17:21,834
I wanted to hear the words
of a man I thought I knew.
1805
01:17:21,917 --> 01:17:25,250
I sat him down and I stared
in his eyes the entire time
during the confrontation.
1806
01:17:25,333 --> 01:17:26,959
I didn't break eye contact
at any point.
1807
01:17:27,041 --> 01:17:29,291
It was a lot like
a game of hide-and-seek.
1808
01:17:29,375 --> 01:17:31,333
(laughter)
1809
01:17:31,417 --> 01:17:32,625
I looked dead into his eyes,
1810
01:17:32,709 --> 01:17:35,291
I accused him,
and he admitted it.
1811
01:17:35,375 --> 01:17:37,917
He fucking admitted it.
Oh, he made his excuses.
1812
01:17:38,000 --> 01:17:39,959
"Oh, man, it was an accident,
I didn't mean to.
1813
01:17:40,041 --> 01:17:42,959
"I was drunk,
it won't happen again.
Just back me up this once."
1814
01:17:43,041 --> 01:17:44,875
I sort of removed myself
from the situation,
1815
01:17:44,959 --> 01:17:47,875
and then I had to be
the bearer of bad news
to the rest of my guy friends,
1816
01:17:47,959 --> 01:17:50,125
let them know that they were
friends with a fucking beast.
1817
01:17:50,208 --> 01:17:52,834
They reacted with the same
level of maturity that I did.
1818
01:17:52,917 --> 01:17:55,291
They were like, "We should
beat the shit out of him."
1819
01:17:55,375 --> 01:17:57,083
And I was like, we can't
beat the shit out of him.
1820
01:17:57,166 --> 01:17:59,417
Apparently if we beat
the shit out of him,
he becomes the victim.
1821
01:17:59,500 --> 01:18:01,667
And they were like,
"We don't know what to do
with all this anger!"
1822
01:18:01,750 --> 01:18:04,750
-And I was like, now you
know how women feel.
-(laughter)
1823
01:18:04,834 --> 01:18:06,500
And they were like,
"Fuck, that's deep."
1824
01:18:06,583 --> 01:18:08,709
and I was like, I know,
I thought of it myself.
1825
01:18:08,792 --> 01:18:12,750
(laughter and applause)
1826
01:18:14,291 --> 01:18:17,208
I'm just so woke, ugh!
1827
01:18:17,291 --> 01:18:20,291
(laughter)
1828
01:18:24,083 --> 01:18:26,667
We sat down, we discussed it
with each other.
1829
01:18:26,750 --> 01:18:28,291
It wasn't a long discussion.
It was--
1830
01:18:28,375 --> 01:18:29,959
We decided to do
what we thought was right.
1831
01:18:30,041 --> 01:18:31,959
I don't know if this was right,
but this is what we did.
1832
01:18:32,041 --> 01:18:34,041
We basically said to him
what you've done is unforgivable
1833
01:18:34,125 --> 01:18:35,625
and we don't intend
to forgive you for this.
1834
01:18:35,709 --> 01:18:37,041
Like, we don't have
your back throughout this.
1835
01:18:37,125 --> 01:18:38,542
You're not our friend anymore.
1836
01:18:38,625 --> 01:18:40,834
We want to believe this isn't
who you are, but clearly it is.
1837
01:18:40,917 --> 01:18:43,041
So, go away and change
every single part of you
1838
01:18:43,125 --> 01:18:44,500
that ever allowed that
to take place.
1839
01:18:44,583 --> 01:18:47,041
Stop drinking,
stop doing drugs,
go to therapy.
1840
01:18:47,125 --> 01:18:49,375
And even once you've
done all those things,
continue to fuck off
1841
01:18:49,458 --> 01:18:52,041
'cause we just don't want
to hang out with you anymore.
1842
01:18:52,125 --> 01:18:54,417
We found out two months
after that had taken place
1843
01:18:54,500 --> 01:18:58,041
that he was still drinking,
still doing drugs,
hadn't gone to therapy.
1844
01:18:58,125 --> 01:19:01,667
And we now know that it was
not an isolated incident.
1845
01:19:02,250 --> 01:19:04,333
And he's still out there.
1846
01:19:04,417 --> 01:19:06,083
People have asked if she's
going to go to the police.
1847
01:19:06,166 --> 01:19:08,375
That's her decision.
I've encouraged her
to go to the police.
1848
01:19:08,458 --> 01:19:10,375
The reason she's decided
not to is just because
1849
01:19:10,458 --> 01:19:11,709
since this has taken place,
1850
01:19:11,792 --> 01:19:13,333
he's now accusing her
of being a liar.
1851
01:19:13,417 --> 01:19:15,542
He's changed his story.
He's now accusing me
of being a liar.
1852
01:19:15,625 --> 01:19:18,250
And because I didn't
record the conversation
when he admitted it,
1853
01:19:18,333 --> 01:19:20,250
there's no hard evidence
of what happened.
1854
01:19:20,333 --> 01:19:22,250
And it's one of those horrible
moments when, you know,
1855
01:19:22,333 --> 01:19:24,000
the police have
to scrutinize things.
1856
01:19:24,083 --> 01:19:26,166
And for her,
it's just not something that
she wants to go through.
1857
01:19:26,250 --> 01:19:28,041
And she was like, "Look,
I don't want to go through this.
1858
01:19:28,125 --> 01:19:30,667
"It's just like--
I've got to get past this
as much as I can myself.
1859
01:19:30,750 --> 01:19:32,750
"And I don't want to be seen
as a victim if it goes public.
1860
01:19:32,834 --> 01:19:34,417
'Cause I'm not a victim,
I'm a survivor."
1861
01:19:34,500 --> 01:19:37,083
And I was like, well that is
a bit of an understatement.
1862
01:19:37,166 --> 01:19:38,792
I've been with you through
most of this process.
1863
01:19:38,875 --> 01:19:40,041
You've made two
of the funniest jokes
1864
01:19:40,125 --> 01:19:42,083
I've ever heard
regarding the subject.
1865
01:19:42,166 --> 01:19:44,166
I have never seen
strength like it.
1866
01:19:44,250 --> 01:19:46,750
You took a rape on the chin--
not my finest comment.
1867
01:19:46,834 --> 01:19:48,583
(laughter)
1868
01:19:48,667 --> 01:19:51,917
And she was like
"Actually, I can't remember
where he finished."
1869
01:19:52,000 --> 01:19:56,166
(audiences groaning, laughing)
1870
01:19:59,500 --> 01:20:02,709
I'm going to need you
to stop doing that.
1871
01:20:02,792 --> 01:20:04,125
(laughter)
1872
01:20:04,208 --> 01:20:06,166
"That's what I said."
1873
01:20:06,250 --> 01:20:09,875
(laughter and applause)
1874
01:20:12,542 --> 01:20:15,709
She is funnier and stronger
than I'll ever be.
1875
01:20:17,125 --> 01:20:18,583
She's also not wrong.
1876
01:20:19,208 --> 01:20:22,375
If every single woman who has
experience of sexual assault
was to go to the police,
1877
01:20:22,458 --> 01:20:23,875
there are not enough police
officers or courtrooms
1878
01:20:23,959 --> 01:20:25,291
in the world to deal
with the problem.
1879
01:20:25,375 --> 01:20:26,792
And that's not even
taking into consideration
1880
01:20:26,875 --> 01:20:28,458
that the problem goes
all the way to the very top.
1881
01:20:28,542 --> 01:20:30,458
And that's not my way of saying
you shouldn't go to the police.
1882
01:20:30,542 --> 01:20:33,417
It's just my way of
letting you know how
big this fucking problem is.
1883
01:20:33,500 --> 01:20:37,792
Ninety-seven percent
of rapists will not spend
a single day in jail.
1884
01:20:37,875 --> 01:20:41,834
That is a real statistic.
That is fucking abhorrent.
1885
01:20:41,917 --> 01:20:43,750
So how do we fix that?
1886
01:20:43,834 --> 01:20:46,625
How does society--
how do we fix this?
How do we stop this happening?
1887
01:20:46,709 --> 01:20:48,542
It's all I've been thinking
about for the past year.
1888
01:20:48,625 --> 01:20:50,166
Over and over and over again.
How do you fix this?
1889
01:20:50,250 --> 01:20:52,250
How do you stop this? How do
you prevent this from happening?
1890
01:20:52,333 --> 01:20:53,834
And I've got no answers, man.
1891
01:20:53,917 --> 01:20:57,542
The only thing I can think of
is it has to involve us.
1892
01:20:57,625 --> 01:20:59,166
And by us, I mean men.
1893
01:20:59,250 --> 01:21:01,041
Now, to the women in the room,
I know you know this.
1894
01:21:01,125 --> 01:21:02,500
None of this is new
information to you.
1895
01:21:02,583 --> 01:21:04,458
You've lived your life,
you've got your experiences,
1896
01:21:04,542 --> 01:21:05,792
and your voices
are more important
1897
01:21:05,875 --> 01:21:07,667
and necessary in this
discussion than mine.
1898
01:21:07,750 --> 01:21:09,792
That being said,
I would still like to lend
my voice to the discussion.
1899
01:21:09,875 --> 01:21:12,458
And to the men in the room,
I want to make something
crystal clear.
1900
01:21:12,542 --> 01:21:14,917
This isn't an attack.
I'm not accusing you
of anything.
1901
01:21:15,000 --> 01:21:17,500
And more importantly,
I'm not accusing
your friends of anything.
1902
01:21:17,583 --> 01:21:19,417
I'm just trying to tell you
my experience,
1903
01:21:19,500 --> 01:21:21,041
and this is my experience.
1904
01:21:21,125 --> 01:21:24,709
I knew this man for eight years,
and he fucking did it.
1905
01:21:24,792 --> 01:21:27,750
There are monsters amongst us,
and they look like us.
1906
01:21:27,834 --> 01:21:28,959
If you are sick of the narrative
1907
01:21:29,041 --> 01:21:30,500
that's currently
going on about men,
1908
01:21:30,583 --> 01:21:32,875
feel free to change it,
but you have to get involved.
1909
01:21:32,959 --> 01:21:34,709
Don't make the same mistake
I did for years,
1910
01:21:34,792 --> 01:21:35,917
which was just sitting back
and being like,
1911
01:21:36,000 --> 01:21:37,208
well, I'm not
a part of the problem,
1912
01:21:37,291 --> 01:21:38,792
therefore I must be
part of the solution.
1913
01:21:38,875 --> 01:21:40,709
'Cause that's just not
how this fucking shit works.
1914
01:21:40,792 --> 01:21:43,041
I believe and deep down
I know that most men are good.
1915
01:21:43,125 --> 01:21:44,500
Of course we are.
1916
01:21:44,583 --> 01:21:46,917
But when one in ten men are shit
and the other nine do nothing,
1917
01:21:47,000 --> 01:21:48,875
they might as well
not fucking be there.
1918
01:21:48,959 --> 01:21:52,041
Being good on the inside
counts for absolutely fuck all.
1919
01:21:52,125 --> 01:21:54,208
You have to actively be good
and get involved.
1920
01:21:54,291 --> 01:21:56,041
Instead of having this
fucking hero complex
1921
01:21:56,125 --> 01:21:57,667
of being like,
"I'm going to beat up a rapist,"
1922
01:21:57,750 --> 01:22:00,625
fucking prevent one, stop one,
because I know it can be done
1923
01:22:00,709 --> 01:22:02,792
because I know how
I fucking failed at it.
1924
01:22:02,875 --> 01:22:06,500
Because if I'm being
100% honest with myself,
1925
01:22:06,583 --> 01:22:08,792
were there signs
in my friend's behavior
1926
01:22:08,875 --> 01:22:11,875
over the years towards women
that I ignored?
1927
01:22:11,959 --> 01:22:13,625
The answer is yes.
1928
01:22:13,709 --> 01:22:15,583
And then he raped my friend,
1929
01:22:15,667 --> 01:22:17,959
and that's on me
until the day I die.
1930
01:22:18,041 --> 01:22:19,959
Talk to your fucking boys.
Get involved.
1931
01:22:20,041 --> 01:22:21,417
'Cause I'm going to be
honest with you lads,
1932
01:22:21,500 --> 01:22:23,917
women are trying their hardest
to not get raped.
1933
01:22:24,000 --> 01:22:26,917
Like, every day,
they try to not get raped.
1934
01:22:27,000 --> 01:22:28,709
I think it's their priority.
1935
01:22:28,792 --> 01:22:31,709
-Mine's is WiFi.
-(laughter)
1936
01:22:31,792 --> 01:22:34,917
I can't do much.
I just won't do nothing anymore.
1937
01:22:35,000 --> 01:22:37,000
And I'm just suggesting
that you do the same.
1938
01:22:37,083 --> 01:22:39,250
Now, my friend, she's been
helping me write this end bit,
1939
01:22:39,333 --> 01:22:40,625
'cause it's a very
sensitive subject
1940
01:22:40,709 --> 01:22:42,125
and I want to try
and do it justice.
1941
01:22:42,208 --> 01:22:44,291
And after the first preview,
I was very, very nervous.
1942
01:22:44,375 --> 01:22:46,417
And I ran up to her and I was
like, what do you think?
1943
01:22:46,500 --> 01:22:48,250
Do you think I'm making it
too much about me?
1944
01:22:48,333 --> 01:22:50,625
And she was like "Yeah,
every second of every day."
1945
01:22:50,709 --> 01:22:52,000
(laughter)
1946
01:22:52,083 --> 01:22:54,709
"That's what you're doing
right now, you fucking moron."
1947
01:22:54,792 --> 01:22:57,250
-And I was like--
-(laughter)
1948
01:22:57,333 --> 01:23:00,291
-It means I love you.
-(laughter)
1949
01:23:00,375 --> 01:23:02,542
She was like,
"That's the only way
you can do it.
1950
01:23:02,625 --> 01:23:03,917
"Only talk about it
from your perspective.
1951
01:23:04,000 --> 01:23:05,500
'Cause men will listen to you."
And they will.
1952
01:23:05,583 --> 01:23:07,959
-Because I look like them.
-(laughter)
1953
01:23:08,041 --> 01:23:09,250
And that's not fair,
but it's true.
1954
01:23:09,333 --> 01:23:10,875
So, maybe we can use it
to our advantage.
1955
01:23:10,959 --> 01:23:12,917
There's a very famous
experiment several years ago.
1956
01:23:13,000 --> 01:23:15,667
Scientists worked out that
if you take a frog and you
put it into boiling water,
1957
01:23:15,750 --> 01:23:17,083
the frog will
jump out immediately
1958
01:23:17,166 --> 01:23:18,792
'cause it knows
it's about to die.
1959
01:23:18,875 --> 01:23:20,000
Whereas if you take
the same frog
1960
01:23:20,083 --> 01:23:21,542
and you put it
into cold water,
1961
01:23:21,625 --> 01:23:23,291
if you slowly heat the water up,
1962
01:23:23,375 --> 01:23:24,875
the frog is unable
to tell the difference
1963
01:23:25,000 --> 01:23:27,959
in the change in temperature
and it slowly boils to death.
1964
01:23:28,041 --> 01:23:30,000
I'll be the water.
1965
01:23:30,083 --> 01:23:33,291
Ladies, you're boiling
as you have every single right
to be at this point in time.
1966
01:23:33,375 --> 01:23:35,500
So, what I'll do is
I'll put on a little comedy show
1967
01:23:35,583 --> 01:23:37,709
and I'll spend the first 75
minutes starting off very cold,
1968
01:23:37,792 --> 01:23:40,834
getting the men on side
with jokes that I know
they'll agree with.
1969
01:23:40,917 --> 01:23:42,458
I'll say things like,
all right boys,
1970
01:23:42,542 --> 01:23:44,291
do you like kids
and you're not a pedophile?
1971
01:23:44,375 --> 01:23:47,333
-And they'll be like, "I do like
kids and I'm not a pedophile."
-(laughter)
1972
01:23:47,417 --> 01:23:49,750
-"That's very well observed."
-(laughter)
1973
01:23:49,834 --> 01:23:51,333
"Interesting.
1974
01:23:51,417 --> 01:23:54,959
I want to listen to more of what
my twin brother has to say."
1975
01:23:55,041 --> 01:23:57,125
I'm like, all right, boys,
do you like drinking?
1976
01:23:57,208 --> 01:23:59,250
They're like, "Fucking hell,
I'm a complex individual,
1977
01:23:59,333 --> 01:24:02,333
-but that's two for two.
He's absolutely nailed me."
-(laughter)
1978
01:24:02,417 --> 01:24:03,709
"This is unbelievable.
1979
01:24:03,792 --> 01:24:05,792
Is he a psychic or a comedian,
what is this show?"
1980
01:24:05,875 --> 01:24:07,625
Come on!
(laughs gruffly)
1981
01:24:07,709 --> 01:24:08,959
"There's no way
he'll get the third thing.
1982
01:24:09,041 --> 01:24:10,291
The third thing
would be impossible."
1983
01:24:10,375 --> 01:24:13,041
Pussies are confusing.
"Fuck me dead."
1984
01:24:13,125 --> 01:24:15,041
(laughter)
1985
01:24:15,125 --> 01:24:17,709
"Never has a man seen
into my soul so much."
1986
01:24:17,792 --> 01:24:21,041
And then I'll slowly
turn the temperature up.
1987
01:24:21,625 --> 01:24:24,208
Now, don't worry, I will leave
on an actual joke,
1988
01:24:24,291 --> 01:24:26,208
so we don't all leave here sad.
1989
01:24:26,291 --> 01:24:27,875
But before I go,
just to the men in the room,
1990
01:24:27,959 --> 01:24:29,125
I want to make
something crystal clear.
1991
01:24:29,208 --> 01:24:31,542
This is not meant to be
a fucking lecture
1992
01:24:31,625 --> 01:24:34,125
or someone on their high horse
telling you something.
1993
01:24:34,208 --> 01:24:35,834
It's a man who fell off
his fucking horse.
1994
01:24:35,917 --> 01:24:38,125
It's a man who fucking failed,
and these are just the things
1995
01:24:38,208 --> 01:24:40,041
I wished I'd known
a couple of years ago.
1996
01:24:40,125 --> 01:24:43,208
If you think this does not
affect the women in your life,
1997
01:24:43,291 --> 01:24:44,625
talk to them after this show
1998
01:24:44,709 --> 01:24:47,291
and watch your world crumble
before your very eyes.
1999
01:24:47,375 --> 01:24:50,250
If you think this does not
affect the women in your life,
2000
01:24:50,333 --> 01:24:52,083
it's not because
it's not happening to them.
2001
01:24:52,166 --> 01:24:54,000
It's because they don't
trust you enough
2002
01:24:54,083 --> 01:24:55,417
to talk to you about it.
2003
01:24:55,500 --> 01:24:56,917
And that's
the single worst thing
2004
01:24:57,000 --> 01:24:58,750
I ever learned about myself.
2005
01:24:58,834 --> 01:25:00,250
Now, one of the main reasons
2006
01:25:00,333 --> 01:25:01,750
I still want to change
sex education
2007
01:25:01,834 --> 01:25:03,417
is 'cause I'm still
very traumatized by mine.
2008
01:25:03,500 --> 01:25:05,125
Because when we were
ten years old,
2009
01:25:05,208 --> 01:25:06,834
we were given
the birthing video.
2010
01:25:06,917 --> 01:25:08,709
-Now...
-(groans)
2011
01:25:08,792 --> 01:25:11,250
-Oh, you've seen it?
-(laughter)
2012
01:25:11,333 --> 01:25:13,959
-Maybe you were in it.
-(laughter)
2013
01:25:14,041 --> 01:25:15,875
Now, I actually I have
no problem with teenagers
2014
01:25:15,959 --> 01:25:18,500
being shown the birthing video,
but not when I was ten.
2015
01:25:18,583 --> 01:25:22,083
-I was scared of the dark,
never mind vagina.
-(laughter)
2016
01:25:22,166 --> 01:25:25,917
The first pussy I ever saw
looked like the door
from The Shining .
2017
01:25:26,000 --> 01:25:28,625
(laughter)
2018
01:25:31,083 --> 01:25:33,750
And our head teacher, right?
She gave our teacher, like,
2019
01:25:33,834 --> 01:25:35,667
the full video to take
home the night before
2020
01:25:35,750 --> 01:25:37,125
just so she could
watch it herself,
2021
01:25:37,208 --> 01:25:39,375
just so she didn't
freak out in front of us.
2022
01:25:39,458 --> 01:25:41,375
Which does make sense,
but it meant the next day
2023
01:25:41,458 --> 01:25:43,125
our teacher came
into school visibly drunk,
2024
01:25:43,208 --> 01:25:47,250
-as she has every right to be.
-(laughter)
2025
01:25:47,333 --> 01:25:48,875
She gathers us
all round the telly.
2026
01:25:48,959 --> 01:25:51,125
She's like, "Come on,
you fucking, yeah."
2027
01:25:51,208 --> 01:25:52,667
(laughter)
2028
01:25:52,750 --> 01:25:55,041
She gets the VHS,
sticks it in the video player,
2029
01:25:55,125 --> 01:25:56,834
presses play,
very quickly realizes
2030
01:25:56,917 --> 01:25:59,291
that it's still at the end
from the previous night,
2031
01:25:59,375 --> 01:26:01,792
and then pressed rewind.
2032
01:26:01,875 --> 01:26:04,750
(laughter)
2033
01:26:04,834 --> 01:26:08,625
-Some of you clearly
remember how VHS works.
-(laughter)
2034
01:26:08,709 --> 01:26:10,291
It's not like Netflix or DVDs.
2035
01:26:10,375 --> 01:26:12,458
It doesn't go straight back
to the start, does it?
2036
01:26:12,542 --> 01:26:14,000
-Fuck!
-(laughter)
2037
01:26:14,083 --> 01:26:17,625
So imagine, to the horror
of 20 ten-year-olds
2038
01:26:17,709 --> 01:26:20,166
when you were learning
about the miracle of life,
2039
01:26:20,250 --> 01:26:21,917
how you were brought
into this world.
2040
01:26:22,000 --> 01:26:24,000
And it opens up
with a beautiful image
2041
01:26:24,083 --> 01:26:27,000
-of this mother cradling
her newborn baby.
-(laughter)
2042
01:26:27,083 --> 01:26:29,375
Staring into its deep blue eyes,
2043
01:26:29,458 --> 01:26:31,667
sharing a loving gaze
with her husband
2044
01:26:31,750 --> 01:26:35,667
who's just standing there
in awe of the miracle of life.
2045
01:26:35,750 --> 01:26:39,083
And then this
fucking doctor just--
2046
01:26:41,500 --> 01:26:45,083
(laughter)
2047
01:26:45,166 --> 01:26:49,125
-Moonwalks in,
confiscates the baby.
-(laughter)
2048
01:26:49,917 --> 01:26:52,583
Pries it from its mother's
loving embrace,
2049
01:26:52,667 --> 01:26:54,709
shows it to the father
one last time,
2050
01:26:54,792 --> 01:26:58,417
-as in "Say Goodbye!"
And then...
-(laughter)
2051
01:26:59,417 --> 01:27:04,333
(laughter and applause)
2052
01:27:09,792 --> 01:27:12,417
(laughter)
2053
01:27:14,709 --> 01:27:17,583
Still a better hiding place
than anything Ava's ever
found though,
2054
01:27:17,667 --> 01:27:19,500
-so I guess...
-(laughter)
2055
01:27:19,583 --> 01:27:21,291
Sydney, you've been a pleasure.
I've been Daniel Sloss.
2056
01:27:21,375 --> 01:27:23,208
Thank you very much, good night.
2057
01:27:23,291 --> 01:27:29,458
(cheering and applauding)
2058
01:27:29,542 --> 01:27:32,959
(whistling, cheering)
2059
01:27:44,000 --> 01:27:46,208
(cheers and applause continuing)
2060
01:27:50,333 --> 01:27:53,333
(cheers and applause
grow louder)
2061
01:28:05,166 --> 01:28:07,375
(cheers and applause fading)
2062
01:28:09,834 --> 01:28:12,000
(audience murmuring)
162344
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