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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,917 --> 00:00:09,083 A man offered us a billion dollars. 2 00:00:10,667 --> 00:00:12,959 -Bolt the doors. -We could all go to prison. 3 00:00:13,041 --> 00:00:14,792 -Enjoy the injunction. -(SCREAMS) 4 00:00:15,208 --> 00:00:17,333 Did you just try to punch the wall and miss? 5 00:00:17,417 --> 00:00:19,041 No. I clipped it. I got it. 6 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:35,083 -("Only One King" playing) -♪ And there's only one crown ♪ 7 00:00:35,166 --> 00:00:38,291 ♪ And there's only one king ♪ 8 00:00:38,375 --> 00:00:40,583 ♪ And it's looking like me ♪ 9 00:00:40,667 --> 00:00:45,291 -(audience cheering) -♪ So you better start running ♪ 10 00:00:45,375 --> 00:00:49,041 ♪ So you better start running ♪ 11 00:00:49,125 --> 00:00:51,375 Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage 12 00:00:51,458 --> 00:00:54,041 Mr. Daniel Sloss! 13 00:00:54,125 --> 00:00:55,750 (audience cheering) 14 00:00:55,834 --> 00:00:58,125 ♪ 'Cause there's only one king ♪ 15 00:00:59,375 --> 00:01:02,750 -♪ And there's only one crown ♪ -(speaks indistinctly) 16 00:01:02,834 --> 00:01:06,250 ♪ And there ain't enough room for us both on the throne ♪ 17 00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:08,125 ♪ So it's 'bout to go down ♪ 18 00:01:08,208 --> 00:01:12,125 -(cheering continuing) -♪ So you better start running ♪ 19 00:01:13,125 --> 00:01:15,542 ♪ So you better start running... ♪ 20 00:01:15,625 --> 00:01:17,542 Hello, Sydney. How are you? 21 00:01:17,625 --> 00:01:19,208 (audience cheering) 22 00:01:19,291 --> 00:01:21,625 Good. It's fucking lovely to be back, 23 00:01:21,709 --> 00:01:22,750 uh, genuinely, 24 00:01:22,834 --> 00:01:24,125 that's why we're filming this here again: 25 00:01:24,208 --> 00:01:25,834 'cause it was so good fucking last time. 26 00:01:25,917 --> 00:01:28,083 -So, don't screw this up. -(laughter) 27 00:01:28,166 --> 00:01:29,667 Uh, get comfortable. 28 00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:31,917 And if you're not comfortable, don't worry about it too much. 29 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,667 I'm about to provide plenty of material 30 00:01:33,750 --> 00:01:37,709 that's going to make most of you very fucking uncomfortable. 31 00:01:37,792 --> 00:01:41,000 -(laughter) -Let's crack on. 32 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,500 I love kids. 33 00:01:43,583 --> 00:01:45,875 (laughter) 34 00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:47,959 -I do. -(laughter) 35 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,500 Love kids, love babies, I love toddlers. 36 00:01:50,583 --> 00:01:53,291 I love tiny little children. Love 'em. 37 00:01:54,959 --> 00:01:57,166 There should not be this much tension in the room. 38 00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:59,125 (laughter) 39 00:01:59,208 --> 00:02:01,417 I haven't said anything bad there. 40 00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:03,792 I said something nice, something sweet, something endearing, 41 00:02:03,875 --> 00:02:05,792 but most important-- something legal! 42 00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:08,417 -(laughter) -I love kids. 43 00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:10,458 Some of you still don't trust me. 44 00:02:10,542 --> 00:02:12,542 That's fine, I get that, that could be my fault. 45 00:02:12,625 --> 00:02:16,542 I'm a comedian that's got a reputation for having a "dark" sense of humor. 46 00:02:16,625 --> 00:02:18,208 Maybe you expect me to take that premise, 47 00:02:18,291 --> 00:02:19,667 turn it into an offensive punchline, 48 00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:21,125 all for the sake of shock comedy. 49 00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:23,542 I promise you that's not gonna happen with this joke. 50 00:02:23,625 --> 00:02:24,959 (laughter) 51 00:02:25,041 --> 00:02:27,041 Maybe it's another factor that I hadn't considered. 52 00:02:27,125 --> 00:02:28,709 Maybe it's the fact that I'm a white man 53 00:02:28,792 --> 00:02:31,625 and we don't have the best history with... children. 54 00:02:31,709 --> 00:02:33,083 (laughter) 55 00:02:33,166 --> 00:02:35,417 I can't say for certain. All I know for certain 56 00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:37,875 is that whenever I proudly declare that I love kids 57 00:02:37,959 --> 00:02:41,542 -at least half of you fuckers go "He-he-he." -(laughter) 58 00:02:41,625 --> 00:02:43,792 Every gig without fail, no matter where I am. 59 00:02:43,875 --> 00:02:45,750 I love kids! "He's gonna fuck one." 60 00:02:45,834 --> 00:02:47,959 -I'm not. -(laughter) 61 00:02:48,041 --> 00:02:50,542 I'm not gonna fuck one. Why would I fuck one? 62 00:02:50,625 --> 00:02:53,709 -They are not my type. -(laughter) 63 00:02:53,792 --> 00:02:56,041 I have three younger siblings, I've got nine younger cousins. 64 00:02:56,125 --> 00:02:59,166 From the age of two, I've been raised around kids. I love kids, I really do. 65 00:02:59,250 --> 00:03:03,000 And I hate the fact that I have to qualify my love of children. 66 00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:05,667 'Cause I don't have to qualify my love of anything else. 67 00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,542 I love dogs. 68 00:03:07,625 --> 00:03:11,625 (laughter) 69 00:03:11,709 --> 00:03:13,792 None of you are like, "He's gonna fuck a poodle!" 70 00:03:13,875 --> 00:03:16,875 -It's not... -(laughter) 71 00:03:16,959 --> 00:03:19,709 -And I would fuck a poodle. -(laughter) 72 00:03:19,792 --> 00:03:21,709 I absolutely would. It's small, it's on a leash. 73 00:03:21,792 --> 00:03:25,208 -Where's it gonna go? -(laughter) 74 00:03:26,250 --> 00:03:29,000 -I love my mom. -(laughter) 75 00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:31,375 -Yeah. -(laughter) 76 00:03:31,458 --> 00:03:33,875 None of you think I'm gonna fuck her, do you? 77 00:03:33,959 --> 00:03:36,709 And I've been inside of her and I've sucked her tits. 78 00:03:36,792 --> 00:03:39,667 (laughter) 79 00:03:39,750 --> 00:03:43,250 -Not at the same time. -(laughter) 80 00:03:43,333 --> 00:03:46,041 That's when Dad gets jealous. 81 00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:48,458 (laughter) 82 00:03:54,208 --> 00:03:56,208 It's not good being a man and being paternal. 83 00:03:56,291 --> 00:04:00,208 I guess if you're like-- maybe like a father, you got kids that's cool. 84 00:04:00,291 --> 00:04:01,792 But if you've got no kids and you love kids, 85 00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:03,375 some people find it weird. 86 00:04:03,458 --> 00:04:05,417 I noticed it 'cause my friends are having kids now, 87 00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:06,959 so I get to go and play with their kids, you know, 88 00:04:07,041 --> 00:04:09,125 running round a park, chasing them around the place. 89 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:12,375 -Again, not in a creepy way. -(laughter) 90 00:04:12,458 --> 00:04:14,583 -Well... -(laughter) 91 00:04:14,667 --> 00:04:16,041 I mean, don't get me wrong, on a technicality, 92 00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:18,083 I am technically chasing them round a park 93 00:04:18,166 --> 00:04:21,250 -while they scream and beg me to stop. -(laughter) 94 00:04:21,333 --> 00:04:24,709 But I promise you that that is part of the game. 95 00:04:24,792 --> 00:04:28,458 When chasing children, hand position is very, very important, right? 96 00:04:28,542 --> 00:04:31,125 Funny monster, actual monster. 97 00:04:31,208 --> 00:04:33,834 -There is... -(laughter) 98 00:04:34,917 --> 00:04:37,750 There is a subtle difference between "I'm gonna get you" 99 00:04:37,834 --> 00:04:40,834 -(screams): and "I'm gonna get you!" -(laughter) 100 00:04:41,583 --> 00:04:45,417 Kids are intuitive and they can tell the difference. 101 00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:47,000 (laughter) 102 00:04:47,709 --> 00:04:49,208 I get jealous of women sometimes. 103 00:04:49,291 --> 00:04:51,375 Women, you're allowed to be openly maternal 104 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,542 in ways that I'm just not able to be. 105 00:04:53,625 --> 00:04:57,417 Women could be like, "I was on a train the other day, and I saw a baby, 106 00:04:57,500 --> 00:05:02,125 "So, I smiled at the baby, and the baby smiled back. 107 00:05:02,208 --> 00:05:06,834 "And then I waved at the baby, and the baby waved back. 108 00:05:06,917 --> 00:05:11,709 And, oh, my ovaries exploded." 109 00:05:11,792 --> 00:05:13,166 (laughter) 110 00:05:13,250 --> 00:05:17,625 "Oh, my poor explody ovaries have done a 9/11 in my belly." 111 00:05:17,709 --> 00:05:19,291 (laughter) 112 00:05:19,375 --> 00:05:22,083 I get those exact same emotions, 113 00:05:22,166 --> 00:05:24,500 but I'm not allowed to express them in that way. 114 00:05:24,583 --> 00:05:27,291 -Or I go to jail! -(laughter) 115 00:05:27,375 --> 00:05:28,750 Do you want proof of that claim? 116 00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:30,875 Fine, I have a goddaughter, her name is Ava. 117 00:05:30,959 --> 00:05:32,417 She is two-and-a-half years old. 118 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,792 She is without a doubt the dumbest fucking moron... 119 00:05:35,875 --> 00:05:37,625 -(laughter) -...I have ever had the-- 120 00:05:37,709 --> 00:05:40,625 Oh, man, she's thick as shit, man. She's so great. 121 00:05:40,709 --> 00:05:42,125 And I know there'll be parents in the room, 122 00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:44,125 they'll be like, "Oh, Daniel, all kids are stupid." 123 00:05:44,208 --> 00:05:47,000 Oh, I know they are. This one takes the biscuit. 124 00:05:47,083 --> 00:05:49,917 -(laughter) -And shoves it in her fucking ear. 125 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,375 -She is... -(laughter) 126 00:05:52,458 --> 00:05:56,000 She's about this big, everything in her life is a corner 127 00:05:56,083 --> 00:05:58,417 that exists directly at eye height, 128 00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:01,000 and she sprints in every direction, full speed, 129 00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:02,500 without checking her periphery 130 00:06:02,583 --> 00:06:04,834 because she doesn't know that she can die yet. 131 00:06:04,917 --> 00:06:06,834 -(laughter) -I love her unconditionally, 132 00:06:06,917 --> 00:06:09,166 but I don't think she's gonna make it to ten. 133 00:06:09,250 --> 00:06:12,458 -(laughter) -It would be nice, but it might not happen. 134 00:06:12,542 --> 00:06:14,458 She does have an older sister. I should point that out. 135 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,166 But her older sister is not my goddaughter, 136 00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:18,375 so I haven't learned her fucking name. 137 00:06:18,458 --> 00:06:20,417 (laughter) 138 00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:22,667 Her parents made a shitty decision on her behalf, 139 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,291 -and she will suffer the consequences. -(laughter) 140 00:06:25,375 --> 00:06:28,709 I'll play with Ava, and Slagathor can play with her godfather... 141 00:06:28,792 --> 00:06:31,917 -(laughter) -...whoever he may be. 142 00:06:34,917 --> 00:06:37,458 Ava's the best, man. She's so fun. 143 00:06:37,959 --> 00:06:39,125 Always excited to see me, 144 00:06:39,208 --> 00:06:40,625 'cause, you know, we play games together. 145 00:06:40,709 --> 00:06:42,250 Her favorite game in the world is hide-and-seek. 146 00:06:42,333 --> 00:06:43,875 Uh, she thinks I invented hide-and-seek, 147 00:06:43,959 --> 00:06:45,542 and the reason she thinks I invented hide-and-seek 148 00:06:45,625 --> 00:06:47,792 is because I told her that I invented hide-and-seek. 149 00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:49,041 (laughter) 150 00:06:49,125 --> 00:06:50,875 And she's the worst hide-and-seek player. 151 00:06:50,959 --> 00:06:52,792 And I know there's gonna be parents in the room 152 00:06:52,875 --> 00:06:54,333 who are listening to me, be like "Oh, Daniel, 153 00:06:54,417 --> 00:06:56,375 "Of course she's bad at hide-and-seek, all kids are. 154 00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:59,083 Let me guess, she hides behind the curtain and giggles." 155 00:06:59,166 --> 00:07:03,917 Ha-ha. That is a Harvard graduate compared to my fucking moron. 156 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,458 (laughter) 157 00:07:05,542 --> 00:07:07,083 Let's just pretend that this is just, like, 158 00:07:07,166 --> 00:07:09,041 a chair in the middle of the living room, right? 159 00:07:09,125 --> 00:07:10,834 I'll be Ava and you be me, 160 00:07:10,917 --> 00:07:12,875 and let's see how long it takes you to find me. 161 00:07:12,959 --> 00:07:16,041 -If indeed you can. -(laughter) 162 00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:19,250 Allow me to just get into character: fucking moron. 163 00:07:19,333 --> 00:07:22,125 (laughter) 164 00:07:28,875 --> 00:07:32,166 (laughter) 165 00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:40,125 -Did you find me? -(laughter) 166 00:07:40,208 --> 00:07:42,709 Please note that she doesn't hide like this. 167 00:07:42,792 --> 00:07:44,250 (laughter) 168 00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:48,041 She hides like this because she likes to maintain eye contact! 169 00:07:48,125 --> 00:07:50,834 -(laughter) -For the duration of the game. 170 00:07:50,917 --> 00:07:52,417 Now, I love this moron. 171 00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:54,417 I don't want her growing up knowing she's a moron. 172 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:56,917 I want her growing up feeling confident, so I have to call her a genius. 173 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,959 So, I have to spend five minutes not fucking finding her, 174 00:08:01,041 --> 00:08:02,625 which is way more difficult. 175 00:08:02,709 --> 00:08:04,166 Then, the second I can't find her, 176 00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:06,208 she starts laughing, now I can hear the bitch. 177 00:08:06,291 --> 00:08:08,458 -(laughter) -That is two senses 178 00:08:08,542 --> 00:08:11,083 I can now use to work out where in the room she might be. 179 00:08:11,166 --> 00:08:13,041 Then she gets so excited that she shits herself. 180 00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:16,875 -Three out of five. -(laughter) 181 00:08:17,583 --> 00:08:19,500 One of the reasons I love her so much 182 00:08:19,583 --> 00:08:22,625 is because she's got that, you know, that kindness that only some toddlers have, 183 00:08:22,709 --> 00:08:24,166 just that pure kindness. 184 00:08:24,250 --> 00:08:26,500 'Cause eventually whenever I do find her, 185 00:08:26,583 --> 00:08:29,709 -she's proud of me. -(laughter) 186 00:08:29,792 --> 00:08:32,792 Like, I'll eventually turn around and be like, "Oh there you are!" 187 00:08:32,875 --> 00:08:35,834 And she's like, "How did you--?" You were fucking there! 188 00:08:35,917 --> 00:08:37,166 (laughter) 189 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:39,667 She's so precious, I'm gonna die. 190 00:08:40,166 --> 00:08:42,291 Her older sister, by the way, is very good at hide-and-seek, 191 00:08:42,375 --> 00:08:44,917 but that's mainly 'cause I never fucking look for her. 192 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,792 (laughter) 193 00:08:46,875 --> 00:08:48,542 I'll still count and tell her she's playing, 194 00:08:48,625 --> 00:08:50,917 and then once she's gone, she's God's problem. 195 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,083 (laughter) 196 00:08:56,917 --> 00:08:58,542 Ava sucks at seeking as well. 197 00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:01,041 She sucks at both halves of the game, right? 198 00:09:01,125 --> 00:09:02,834 The last time when I was round visiting her, 199 00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,542 we were playing hide-and-seek, she looked in a drawer. 200 00:09:05,625 --> 00:09:08,417 (laughter) 201 00:09:09,166 --> 00:09:11,709 It was the one and only place she looked. 202 00:09:11,792 --> 00:09:14,000 She walked into the kitchen confident as fuck. 203 00:09:14,083 --> 00:09:17,875 She was like, "If I know my godfather, and I think I do, 204 00:09:17,959 --> 00:09:19,917 he'll be in the knife drawer." 205 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,000 (laughter) 206 00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:24,125 "That's where I would be." 207 00:09:24,208 --> 00:09:25,834 She opened up the knife drawer, I wasn't in there, 208 00:09:25,917 --> 00:09:28,875 she forgot she was playing, and then she fucked off. 209 00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:30,333 (laughter) 210 00:09:30,417 --> 00:09:32,542 Just me and her sister hiding under a table. 211 00:09:32,625 --> 00:09:34,709 Like, "What the fuck is this shit?" 212 00:09:34,792 --> 00:09:36,583 Her sister was like, "Annoying, isn't it?" 213 00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:40,959 -Shut your whore mouth! I fucking swear to God. -(laughter) 214 00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:45,583 Love being a god-dad, love being a god-dad. 215 00:09:45,667 --> 00:09:47,667 Uh, it's good fun. I don't see-- 216 00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:50,083 I feel guilty sometimes 'cause, I travel a lot with this job. 217 00:09:50,166 --> 00:09:51,834 I don't see Ava as much as I'd like to. 218 00:09:51,917 --> 00:09:54,667 So, whenever I do, I spoil her just so she still loves me. 219 00:09:54,750 --> 00:09:57,375 Not with like treats and stuff, like, you know, physical things. 220 00:09:57,458 --> 00:09:58,792 I like to take her on experiences 221 00:09:58,875 --> 00:10:00,750 so she's got positive memories of me there. 222 00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:04,083 So, I always take her to farms 'cause she loves horses, they blow her mind, 223 00:10:04,166 --> 00:10:06,542 and she loves feeding them, and the last time we were feeding horses-- 224 00:10:06,625 --> 00:10:08,500 Her dad trusts me 'cause I'm a good god-dad, 225 00:10:08,583 --> 00:10:10,542 and he's like, "Can you look after her for five minutes, 226 00:10:10,625 --> 00:10:12,750 -and don't fuck this up?" -And I was like... (scoffs). 227 00:10:12,834 --> 00:10:15,250 -And then... -(laughter) 228 00:10:15,333 --> 00:10:18,250 ...while he was at the toilet, I took my special time with her 229 00:10:18,333 --> 00:10:20,542 to just teach her just how to, uh... 230 00:10:22,166 --> 00:10:24,458 (laughter) 231 00:10:24,542 --> 00:10:28,291 Not to people. Never, never to people. 232 00:10:28,375 --> 00:10:30,750 -Just to horses. -(laughter) 233 00:10:30,834 --> 00:10:34,041 I looked my two-year-old goddaughter in her perfect blue eyes, 234 00:10:34,125 --> 00:10:37,667 and I said, "Ava, this means I love you horsey." 235 00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:40,041 (laughter) 236 00:10:40,125 --> 00:10:43,041 Why? Because who's the victim? 237 00:10:43,792 --> 00:10:45,750 There isn't one. I've triple-checked. 238 00:10:45,834 --> 00:10:47,333 She doesn't know what she's doing. 239 00:10:47,417 --> 00:10:50,667 All she knows is that I am crying with laughter. 240 00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:53,083 The horse doesn't know it's offended. 241 00:10:53,166 --> 00:10:55,291 -It's a fucking horse. -(laughter) 242 00:10:55,375 --> 00:10:59,959 And now she thinks that is what you do to horses. 243 00:11:00,041 --> 00:11:02,291 And it is never not funny. 244 00:11:02,375 --> 00:11:05,792 Nobody in this room has the ability to watch 245 00:11:05,875 --> 00:11:08,917 a two-year-old flip off every horse she sees, 246 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:13,083 and go "No, I don't understand why that's amusing." 247 00:11:13,166 --> 00:11:15,083 -(laughter) -It gets funnier every time, 248 00:11:15,166 --> 00:11:16,834 'cause you see the horses before she does 249 00:11:16,917 --> 00:11:18,875 and you know it's coming. 250 00:11:18,959 --> 00:11:22,500 Her dad still sends me videos of her being driven past fields of horses, 251 00:11:22,583 --> 00:11:25,125 and she's just like "Horses!" 252 00:11:25,208 --> 00:11:27,875 -So good! -(laughter) 253 00:11:27,959 --> 00:11:29,709 Why would you not want that in your life 254 00:11:29,792 --> 00:11:32,333 at every available opportunity? 255 00:11:32,417 --> 00:11:34,667 Free serotonin! 256 00:11:34,750 --> 00:11:37,583 (laughter) 257 00:11:39,583 --> 00:11:42,500 I love spoiling her. I shouldn't do it, but I love doing it. 258 00:11:42,583 --> 00:11:45,792 Be a Tuesday night at like 9 p.m., I'll be visiting, 259 00:11:45,875 --> 00:11:48,667 I'll be like, Ava, do you want some ice cream? 260 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,208 She'll be like, "Mum says I'm not allowed any ice cream." 261 00:11:51,291 --> 00:11:54,208 I went to high school with your mother and I've seen her get fingered. 262 00:11:54,291 --> 00:11:58,834 -You can get some fucking ice cream. -(laughter) 263 00:12:03,291 --> 00:12:05,375 You let me deal with mommy bear. 264 00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:08,166 -Okay? -(laughter) 265 00:12:14,125 --> 00:12:15,625 I also hate saying goodbye to her, 266 00:12:15,709 --> 00:12:17,875 'cause it makes her sad and I don't like seeing her sad. 267 00:12:17,959 --> 00:12:21,959 -So, I just leave. -(laughter) 268 00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:23,917 Last time I left, I grabbed my suitcase-- 269 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,625 I was visiting her before I came on this trip-- and, uh, grabbed my suitcase. 270 00:12:26,709 --> 00:12:29,000 Now she must've remembered the last time that I left with a suitcase 271 00:12:29,083 --> 00:12:31,000 that she didn't see me for a couple of months. 272 00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:32,417 'Cause the second I grabbed the handle, 273 00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:33,834 she stopped what she was doing, 274 00:12:33,917 --> 00:12:35,458 she ran as fast as she could across the living room, 275 00:12:35,542 --> 00:12:37,458 just daring any table to end her life. 276 00:12:37,542 --> 00:12:40,417 -(laughter) -By some miracle she got to me, 277 00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:41,750 she wraps her arms around my legs, 278 00:12:41,834 --> 00:12:43,583 she squeezed as tightly as she possibly could, 279 00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:45,500 and she looked up and she said "Bye, Dan-Dan." 280 00:12:45,583 --> 00:12:49,291 She calls me Dan-Dan. "Bye, Dan-Dan. Love you." 281 00:12:50,583 --> 00:12:52,500 And my balls exploded. 282 00:12:52,583 --> 00:12:57,333 (laughter and applause) 283 00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:02,125 -Why is that different? -(laughter) 284 00:13:02,208 --> 00:13:05,083 It's the exact same sentiment! 285 00:13:05,166 --> 00:13:07,500 That's also where they come from! 286 00:13:07,583 --> 00:13:09,333 (laughter) 287 00:13:10,583 --> 00:13:12,291 Everyday sexism. 288 00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:15,250 (laughter) 289 00:13:18,875 --> 00:13:21,709 I want to be a dad, not yet. I know I'm not ready to be a dad. 290 00:13:21,792 --> 00:13:25,500 If you want proof of that, listen to the last fucking joke I told. 291 00:13:26,542 --> 00:13:29,291 I want to have daughters. I just think I'd be better with daughters, 292 00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:30,959 because I've got two younger brothers 293 00:13:31,041 --> 00:13:33,667 and I spent most of my life just beating the shit out of them 294 00:13:33,750 --> 00:13:35,667 'cause that's what you do as a big brother. 295 00:13:35,750 --> 00:13:37,250 I'm nice to them now but, you know, 296 00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:39,291 I've just never learned how to be nice to boys. 297 00:13:39,375 --> 00:13:42,291 'Cause after my sister died, I had two younger cousins-- female cousins turn up, 298 00:13:42,375 --> 00:13:44,834 and I really sort of attached myself to them. I was really nice to them. 299 00:13:44,917 --> 00:13:47,291 So I'm just-- I'm just worried that that will sort of actually 300 00:13:47,375 --> 00:13:49,208 manifest themselves into my fatherhood. 301 00:13:49,291 --> 00:13:51,333 Like, I'll have a daughter and I'll be like, "You're the best, I love you." 302 00:13:51,417 --> 00:13:53,500 My son'll turn up, I'm like, "You can fuck off." 303 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,500 -And... -(laughter) 304 00:13:55,583 --> 00:13:58,083 I'm very aware that that is a me problem. 305 00:13:58,166 --> 00:14:00,750 -And... I am working on it. -(laughter) 306 00:14:00,834 --> 00:14:02,667 I think it's called toxic masculinity. 307 00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:05,375 Now, I don't know much about toxic masculinity. 308 00:14:05,458 --> 00:14:06,750 First I heard of it was last year. 309 00:14:06,834 --> 00:14:08,417 One of my friends she said to me, she was like, 310 00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:10,291 "Do you know that you're a toxic man?" 311 00:14:10,375 --> 00:14:13,250 and I was like, hmm, doesn't sound like me, you dumb bitch. 312 00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:16,000 (laughter) 313 00:14:16,083 --> 00:14:17,458 Why don't you speak when spoken to? 314 00:14:17,542 --> 00:14:20,542 -How about that? That sound good? -(laughter) 315 00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:22,417 (Daniel chuckles) 316 00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,375 And then I read a bunch of articles about it, 317 00:14:24,458 --> 00:14:28,333 and I was like, oh boy! Fucking oh-ho-ho! 318 00:14:28,417 --> 00:14:31,208 -Somebody's been following me. -(laughter) 319 00:14:31,291 --> 00:14:35,000 -I'm not gonna change, but at least I'm self-aware. -(laughter) 320 00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:37,375 And that's half the battle. 321 00:14:37,458 --> 00:14:39,542 But not the half that matters. 322 00:14:39,625 --> 00:14:41,959 (laughter) 323 00:14:42,750 --> 00:14:44,583 First became aware of it when my friend, she said to me, 324 00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:46,709 she was like, "You know, you're quite bad with your emotions." 325 00:14:46,792 --> 00:14:48,875 And I was like, "No, I'm not. You're bad with your emotions, 326 00:14:48,959 --> 00:14:51,583 because I know when you're having them." 327 00:14:51,667 --> 00:14:54,250 (laughter) 328 00:14:54,333 --> 00:14:57,417 I just don't think my emotions are anyone else's responsibility 329 00:14:57,500 --> 00:14:59,750 other than for my own. So if I have a negative emotion, 330 00:14:59,834 --> 00:15:01,709 I'll just bottle it up and keep it to myself. 331 00:15:01,792 --> 00:15:03,375 And, apparently, that's quite unhealthy. 332 00:15:03,458 --> 00:15:05,375 And turns out I also do the same 333 00:15:05,458 --> 00:15:07,041 with positive emotions a lot of the time, 334 00:15:07,125 --> 00:15:09,083 and I just come across as a miserable bastard. 335 00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:11,083 And I don't want that, man. 336 00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:14,542 I want my friends that I love to know that I love them. 337 00:15:14,625 --> 00:15:16,458 I don't wanna be one of those fucking closed up people. 338 00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:20,000 So I'm trying to, you know, get better at saying nice things, 339 00:15:20,083 --> 00:15:24,000 but it's tough when you're just not, you know, fucking used to it. 340 00:15:24,083 --> 00:15:26,041 Like, to the men in the room, 341 00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:28,333 if you're anything like me and you're struggling with your emotions-- 342 00:15:28,417 --> 00:15:29,917 I do recommend you get in touch with them. 343 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,375 'Cause it's not like having a super power, 344 00:15:32,458 --> 00:15:36,500 but it is like having every other man's kryptonite. 345 00:15:36,583 --> 00:15:39,208 Like, you can ruin any man's day with emotions 346 00:15:39,291 --> 00:15:41,000 and it's the most fun you'll ever have. 347 00:15:41,083 --> 00:15:43,166 Women, I finally understand your games. 348 00:15:43,250 --> 00:15:45,250 -Like... -(laughter) 349 00:15:45,333 --> 00:15:46,583 Next time you're with one of your guy friends, 350 00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:49,166 if you want to fuck up his whole afternoon, 351 00:15:49,250 --> 00:15:51,041 like really throw him into disarray, 352 00:15:51,125 --> 00:15:54,083 look him dead in the eyes and tell him that you love him. 353 00:15:54,166 --> 00:15:56,083 (laughter) 354 00:15:56,166 --> 00:15:59,917 -And just watch him not be able to process that... -(laughter) 355 00:16:00,041 --> 00:16:02,917 ...with any level of maturity. 356 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,041 Hey, Mark, I love you. 357 00:16:06,375 --> 00:16:09,542 (laughter) 358 00:16:10,083 --> 00:16:12,291 -"Why?" -(laughter) 359 00:16:12,375 --> 00:16:14,542 You're one of my close friends, I love you. 360 00:16:16,166 --> 00:16:19,333 -"Are-- are you dying?" -(laughter) 361 00:16:19,417 --> 00:16:20,709 No. "Am I dying?" 362 00:16:20,792 --> 00:16:22,834 -Why would I know that? -(laughter) 363 00:16:22,917 --> 00:16:25,458 "Are you trying to fuck me?" No, I'm not trying to fuck you! 364 00:16:25,542 --> 00:16:26,792 "Yes you are. If you love something, 365 00:16:26,875 --> 00:16:29,291 you fuck it. You know the rules." 366 00:16:29,375 --> 00:16:31,458 (laughter) 367 00:16:31,542 --> 00:16:33,792 It's cliché to say, women, you're better with your emotions, 368 00:16:33,875 --> 00:16:35,291 but generally you sort of tend to be. 369 00:16:35,375 --> 00:16:37,208 You create positive experiences with each other, 370 00:16:37,291 --> 00:16:38,625 you're very kind to each other. 371 00:16:38,709 --> 00:16:40,375 I love watching women compliment each other. 372 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,875 Sincerely, I find it very empowering. 373 00:16:42,959 --> 00:16:44,500 Especially if they're shit-faced. 374 00:16:44,583 --> 00:16:47,125 -(laughter) -There is nothing better 375 00:16:47,208 --> 00:16:49,250 than two drunk women at 3 a.m. being like, 376 00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:52,500 "Oh my God, Sarah, I absolutely love your tits!" 377 00:16:52,583 --> 00:16:55,625 "Shut up, Jessica. I would cut off my tits and give them to you 378 00:16:55,709 --> 00:16:58,917 if I could have a day in that." (kissing) 379 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,375 (laughter) 380 00:17:00,458 --> 00:17:02,125 It's very, very empowering. 381 00:17:02,208 --> 00:17:04,625 And you're not really allowed to do that as a man. 382 00:17:04,709 --> 00:17:06,917 Just, "Hey, Steve, nice dick!" Doesn't work. 383 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,000 (laughter) 384 00:17:09,083 --> 00:17:10,417 Doesn't work and that's a real shame, 385 00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:12,583 'cause Steve's got a real nice dick. 386 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,917 He's got a real nice dick and he won't let me see it anymore. 387 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,208 (laughter) 388 00:17:20,417 --> 00:17:23,667 -(laughter) -(Daniel chuckles) 389 00:17:25,917 --> 00:17:27,583 So, you know, I'm trying to, you know... 390 00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:29,750 I'm trying to read a bit more about it. 391 00:17:29,834 --> 00:17:31,792 It's a bit tough reading about toxic masculinity, 392 00:17:31,875 --> 00:17:35,041 because in all honesty, I like being a man and I think it's fun, 393 00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:38,000 and up until now, like, I didn't realize any of it was shit. 394 00:17:38,083 --> 00:17:40,083 'Cause for me, all masculinity means to me 395 00:17:40,166 --> 00:17:42,083 is it's just me and ten of my friends 396 00:17:42,166 --> 00:17:44,208 drinking until one of us dies. 397 00:17:44,291 --> 00:17:47,083 And the one that does die, we won't attend his funeral, 398 00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:49,417 because he died like a bitch and we don't honor bitches. 399 00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:51,166 (laughter) 400 00:17:51,250 --> 00:17:53,542 I don't know how you expect me to pay my respects 401 00:17:53,625 --> 00:17:55,542 to a man that can't handle the sesh. 402 00:17:55,625 --> 00:17:57,458 -That's not something... -(laughter) 403 00:17:57,542 --> 00:17:59,208 ...I have within my repertoire. 404 00:17:59,291 --> 00:18:01,709 Like, what do you want me to do at his funeral? 405 00:18:01,792 --> 00:18:03,083 Pour a drink out in his grave? 406 00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,875 Be like, "Still can't handle it, can you cunt?" 407 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,125 -(laughter) -Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! 408 00:18:07,208 --> 00:18:09,875 -(spits) -(laughter) 409 00:18:09,959 --> 00:18:12,417 -Your father was a pussy. -(laughter) 410 00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:15,375 -(spits) -(laughter) 411 00:18:20,542 --> 00:18:24,750 I feel like there's a lot of shit that's not toxic masculinity 412 00:18:24,834 --> 00:18:27,291 that's currently being thrown under the toxic masculinity bus. 413 00:18:27,375 --> 00:18:29,000 I see it happen on Twitter a lot. 414 00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:31,500 People say like, "This is what toxic masculinity looks like." 415 00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:34,417 I'm like, no, no, no, that's just a thing that cunts do. 416 00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:35,750 (laughter) 417 00:18:35,834 --> 00:18:37,709 Now, I'm both a toxic man and a cunt 418 00:18:37,792 --> 00:18:40,458 -and I'm willing to give up one of those. -(laughter) 419 00:18:40,542 --> 00:18:43,208 Here's a thing that I do not think is exclusive to men. 420 00:18:43,291 --> 00:18:48,834 I think bullying is one of the funnest things in the entire world. 421 00:18:48,917 --> 00:18:51,041 Now, allow me to clarify that statement 422 00:18:51,125 --> 00:18:54,291 for all of you nerds currently getting PTSD flashbacks... 423 00:18:54,375 --> 00:18:55,625 (laughter) 424 00:18:55,709 --> 00:18:58,375 ...to the wedgies you rightfully received in high school. 425 00:18:58,458 --> 00:19:01,625 When I say bullying, I do not mean in any way, shape, or form, 426 00:19:01,709 --> 00:19:03,792 bullying someone society deems weaker or less than you, 427 00:19:03,875 --> 00:19:07,041 and I especially don't mean ganging up on somebody you hate or dislike. 428 00:19:07,125 --> 00:19:08,709 I mean bullying your friends. 429 00:19:08,792 --> 00:19:11,875 I think there is no higher form of love 430 00:19:11,959 --> 00:19:13,667 available as a human being 431 00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:15,792 than staring your best friend dead in the eyes 432 00:19:15,875 --> 00:19:18,041 and just destroying every life decision 433 00:19:18,125 --> 00:19:21,542 they have ever made up until that moment in time, 434 00:19:21,625 --> 00:19:23,250 with no mercy, no remorse. 435 00:19:23,333 --> 00:19:25,291 And the entire time, they're just sat there being like, 436 00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:27,291 "My turn soon, cunt. See if I give a shit." 437 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,542 (laughter) 438 00:19:29,625 --> 00:19:32,166 "Think you're perfect do you, princess?" 439 00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:33,500 (laughter) 440 00:19:33,583 --> 00:19:35,333 And that's not exclusive to men. 441 00:19:35,417 --> 00:19:38,500 If you're anything like me, which I'm going to assume most of you are 442 00:19:38,583 --> 00:19:41,667 -since this is how you choose to spend your time... -(laughter) 443 00:19:41,750 --> 00:19:44,458 ...you're quite a nice person consciously. 444 00:19:44,542 --> 00:19:45,875 It's an active decision. 445 00:19:45,959 --> 00:19:49,750 But your internal monologue is the most barbaric roast 446 00:19:49,834 --> 00:19:52,583 of any human being that has the audacity 447 00:19:52,667 --> 00:19:55,458 -to walk into your field of vision. -(laughter) 448 00:19:55,542 --> 00:19:57,000 It's not even a conscious thing. 449 00:19:57,083 --> 00:19:58,375 You're just walking down the street, being like, 450 00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:00,208 "I'm in a good mood." And your brain's like, 451 00:20:00,291 --> 00:20:04,417 "Wrong. Cunt, cunt, cunt, ugly baby, shit dog." 452 00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:07,208 -And you're like... -(laughter) 453 00:20:08,417 --> 00:20:11,583 -"Why am I like this?" -(laughter) 454 00:20:11,667 --> 00:20:14,875 -"Who hurt me?" -(laughter) 455 00:20:14,959 --> 00:20:16,208 I would never ever, ever, ever 456 00:20:16,291 --> 00:20:19,166 say any of these horrible thoughts out loud. 457 00:20:20,041 --> 00:20:22,000 But I do know five cunts who would love them! 458 00:20:22,083 --> 00:20:25,792 -Group chat! And then... -(laughter) 459 00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:29,875 I'm in a WhatsApp group with ten male comedians, 460 00:20:29,959 --> 00:20:32,333 -so yeah. -(laughter) 461 00:20:32,417 --> 00:20:35,417 -Our banter is unforgivable. -(laughter) 462 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:38,542 I say genuinely career-ending things 463 00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:40,792 in that group every single day, 464 00:20:40,875 --> 00:20:43,792 and all for the sake of getting three cry-face laugh emojis. 465 00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:45,625 (laughter) 466 00:20:45,709 --> 00:20:49,458 -Is it worth it? You're goddamn fucking right it's worth it. -(laughter) 467 00:20:49,542 --> 00:20:50,709 Couple months ago in our group, 468 00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:53,000 one of our closest friends, his dog died, 469 00:20:53,083 --> 00:20:55,583 which is obviously devastating. 470 00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:58,542 But not as devastating as the memes we made. 471 00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:01,375 (audience groans, laughs) 472 00:21:02,125 --> 00:21:04,583 He didn't even tell us his dog was dead, 473 00:21:04,667 --> 00:21:06,500 'cause he knew we'd make fun of him. 474 00:21:06,583 --> 00:21:10,000 We had to find out from his wife's Facebook page. 475 00:21:10,083 --> 00:21:11,750 She did a sad little post about it, 476 00:21:11,834 --> 00:21:13,250 we all screen grabbed it, put it in the group. 477 00:21:13,333 --> 00:21:16,917 -We're like, "Hi, is your dog dead?" -(laughter) 478 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,917 And he was like "Yeah," and we were like, 479 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,250 "Aah! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 480 00:21:22,333 --> 00:21:24,583 That'll teach you to love something!" 481 00:21:24,667 --> 00:21:26,583 (laughter) 482 00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:28,166 And then we made fun of his dead dog for an hour. 483 00:21:28,250 --> 00:21:30,917 Now, the reason we made fun of his dead dog 484 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:32,500 isn't 'cause we were glad the dog was dead. 485 00:21:32,583 --> 00:21:35,959 We loved that dog. He was such a good dog. I miss that dog. 486 00:21:36,041 --> 00:21:38,959 The reason we made fun of his dead dog isn't because we find dead dogs funny. 487 00:21:39,041 --> 00:21:41,709 Very rarely do we find dead dogs funny. 488 00:21:41,792 --> 00:21:43,291 The reason we made fun of his dead dog 489 00:21:43,375 --> 00:21:46,458 is for the same reason that most people make horrible jokes 490 00:21:46,542 --> 00:21:47,959 after something bad happens. 491 00:21:48,041 --> 00:21:49,208 And it's not because they're evil, 492 00:21:49,291 --> 00:21:50,458 and it's not because they're malicious, 493 00:21:50,542 --> 00:21:51,792 and it's not because they're heartless. 494 00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:54,750 It's because the joke pops in to your head. 495 00:21:54,834 --> 00:21:56,625 -And that's it. -(laughter) 496 00:21:56,709 --> 00:21:59,750 Something bad happens, and you go, "Oh, no!" 497 00:21:59,834 --> 00:22:01,792 And your brain goes, "Say this, though." 498 00:22:01,875 --> 00:22:05,208 -(laughter) -And that's it. 499 00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:08,000 And if you don't say the joke, it's not like it fucks off. 500 00:22:08,083 --> 00:22:10,709 It just sits there getting funnier and funnier 501 00:22:10,792 --> 00:22:13,458 and funnier and funnier and it begins to rot your brain, 502 00:22:13,542 --> 00:22:15,041 and that's how you get brain cancer. 503 00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:18,834 -I am a scientist. It's... -(laughter) 504 00:22:18,917 --> 00:22:20,333 It's like having diarrhea, 505 00:22:20,417 --> 00:22:23,333 -holding it in doesn't achieve anything. -(laughter) 506 00:22:23,417 --> 00:22:24,917 You just have to admit that you're unwell 507 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,417 and be like, "I'm very sorry. I'm incredibly sick. 508 00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:29,166 "I have to get this out of my system, 509 00:22:29,250 --> 00:22:30,959 otherwise I might explode." 510 00:22:31,041 --> 00:22:32,500 -(screams) -(laughter) 511 00:22:32,583 --> 00:22:35,333 "Thank you for your patience. Sorry for your loss." 512 00:22:35,417 --> 00:22:36,834 (laughter) 513 00:22:36,917 --> 00:22:40,458 So, we spend an hour just making silly jokes about his dead dog. 514 00:22:40,542 --> 00:22:42,750 I say "we." I didn't. 515 00:22:42,834 --> 00:22:44,500 (laughter) 516 00:22:44,583 --> 00:22:46,375 I spent 45 minutes of that hour 517 00:22:46,458 --> 00:22:48,166 very carefully photoshopping an image 518 00:22:48,250 --> 00:22:53,583 -of Thanos clicking his fingers and his dog... -(laughter) 519 00:22:53,667 --> 00:22:56,875 ...disappearing from the arms of his four-year-old daughter. 520 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:01,125 -And... -(laughter and applause) 521 00:23:02,709 --> 00:23:05,208 You'll-- you'll never convince me that 522 00:23:05,291 --> 00:23:08,959 that's not the funniest thing I've ever done in my goddamn life. 523 00:23:09,959 --> 00:23:12,375 Five cry-face laugh emojis from all my boys. 524 00:23:12,458 --> 00:23:14,875 I bowled a perfect game. You never see that. 525 00:23:14,959 --> 00:23:17,208 -Never happens. -(laughter) 526 00:23:17,291 --> 00:23:18,583 But eventually, at the end of the hour, 527 00:23:18,667 --> 00:23:20,834 all the horrible jokes were out of our system. 528 00:23:20,917 --> 00:23:22,000 I was straight in. 529 00:23:22,083 --> 00:23:23,750 I was like, hey man, we hope you're okay. 530 00:23:23,834 --> 00:23:25,709 We hope the kids are okay, and we hope you know we're just joking. 531 00:23:25,792 --> 00:23:28,834 And he was straight in. He was like, "Don't fucking condescend to me." 532 00:23:28,917 --> 00:23:31,083 -(laughter) -"I'm very aware they were just jokes. 533 00:23:31,166 --> 00:23:32,875 "I appreciate your attempts to cheer me up. 534 00:23:32,959 --> 00:23:34,542 They did work. I love you, boys." 535 00:23:34,625 --> 00:23:38,333 -And we were like, "Ew!" And then... -(laughter) 536 00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,417 And I was like, can I ask how the dog died? 537 00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:42,625 He was like, "Yeah man, we just, we had to get it put down." 538 00:23:42,709 --> 00:23:44,333 I'm like, man, I'm genuinely sorry to hear that. 539 00:23:44,417 --> 00:23:46,417 Having a dog put down, it's a horrible thing to go through. 540 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:49,625 All jokes aside, why did you have to get the dog put down? 541 00:23:49,709 --> 00:23:53,250 "Oh, it was showing signs of dementia." (snickers) 542 00:23:53,333 --> 00:23:57,291 (laughter) 543 00:24:00,875 --> 00:24:03,834 (laughter) 544 00:24:06,166 --> 00:24:08,750 -Boys, come back. -(laughter) 545 00:24:08,834 --> 00:24:12,875 -No, it gets so much better. It gets way better. -(laughter) 546 00:24:12,959 --> 00:24:16,542 I'm sorry. Dogs get dementia? 547 00:24:16,625 --> 00:24:19,750 -"Yeah they do, Daniel. It's pretty serious." -(Daniel snickers) 548 00:24:19,834 --> 00:24:21,291 (laughter) 549 00:24:21,375 --> 00:24:24,291 Can you just-- can you--? I'll ask! 550 00:24:24,375 --> 00:24:26,291 (laughter) 551 00:24:26,375 --> 00:24:30,750 -Can you just describe the first symptom please? -(laughter) 552 00:24:30,834 --> 00:24:34,125 I just-- I really just need to understand the moment when you realized 553 00:24:34,208 --> 00:24:38,959 that your dog had the human disease dementia. 554 00:24:39,041 --> 00:24:41,041 Just talk me through that. What was that like? 555 00:24:41,125 --> 00:24:42,542 "I'm gonna take the dog for a walk." 556 00:24:42,625 --> 00:24:45,458 (meows) "Oh, that's fucked!" 557 00:24:45,542 --> 00:24:47,709 (laughter) 558 00:24:49,458 --> 00:24:51,458 (whispers): "I think it's best we kill it." 559 00:24:51,542 --> 00:24:54,583 -(laughter) -(mouthing) 560 00:24:56,125 --> 00:24:59,542 (laughter) 561 00:25:05,208 --> 00:25:08,125 -(laughter) -(Daniel chuckles) 562 00:25:11,166 --> 00:25:13,709 I didn't realize that the male ego was fragile. 563 00:25:13,792 --> 00:25:15,709 Like, I'm quite a confident person, 564 00:25:15,792 --> 00:25:18,542 and I always thought that was quite a fucking strong thing that I was secure in. 565 00:25:18,625 --> 00:25:20,625 And then I was just in a conversation with a bunch of girls, 566 00:25:20,709 --> 00:25:24,417 and one of them was like, "Fucking hell, the male ego is so fragile!" 567 00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:25,875 And I was like, no, it's not! 568 00:25:25,959 --> 00:25:28,000 -Oh, there it is. -(laughter) 569 00:25:28,083 --> 00:25:30,875 -Ah, I see. -(laughter) 570 00:25:30,959 --> 00:25:34,250 -I'm the problem. -(laughter) 571 00:25:34,333 --> 00:25:37,959 To me, like, masculinity it's-- it's the caveman in our brain 572 00:25:38,041 --> 00:25:40,125 that we've not been able to breed out through evolution. 573 00:25:40,208 --> 00:25:41,667 Evolution is an incredibly slow process, 574 00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:45,208 so we still have some instincts that are so fucking ancient. 575 00:25:45,291 --> 00:25:47,125 Like, if you take a baby-- like a brand-new baby, 576 00:25:47,208 --> 00:25:49,625 a freshly squeezed baby straight from the tree... 577 00:25:49,709 --> 00:25:51,291 (laughter) 578 00:25:51,375 --> 00:25:54,291 ...if you press the palm of its hand, it will instinctively close. 579 00:25:54,375 --> 00:25:56,709 This reaction exists from when we used to be apes 580 00:25:56,792 --> 00:25:58,000 and our mothers used to have fur, 581 00:25:58,083 --> 00:25:59,709 and that's how we'd hold on to our mothers 582 00:25:59,792 --> 00:26:00,959 as she swung from tree to tree. 583 00:26:01,041 --> 00:26:03,458 That reaction is still like a baby's now. 584 00:26:03,542 --> 00:26:06,041 So, there's a lot of stuff in there that we don't need anymore, 585 00:26:06,125 --> 00:26:07,375 'cause we're not hunter-gatherers. 586 00:26:07,458 --> 00:26:08,875 We don't need fight or flight, 587 00:26:08,959 --> 00:26:11,041 for an example, as a reaction to things. 588 00:26:11,125 --> 00:26:14,250 It's a very archaic way of dealing with modern problems, but it's still in there. 589 00:26:14,333 --> 00:26:17,041 As a man you have to learn to not listen 590 00:26:17,125 --> 00:26:19,041 to a lot of the caveman instincts, 591 00:26:19,125 --> 00:26:21,083 because this isn't the smart caveman. 592 00:26:21,166 --> 00:26:23,250 This isn't the one that discovered fire. 593 00:26:23,333 --> 00:26:25,917 This is the one that worked out it was hot. 594 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,750 -Like... -(laughter) 595 00:26:27,834 --> 00:26:31,458 -He shouldn't be running the ship at any point. -(laughter) 596 00:26:31,542 --> 00:26:33,417 I'm slowly coming to terms with my caveman nature 597 00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:36,417 of understanding his bullshit reactions to things. 598 00:26:36,500 --> 00:26:38,417 He sees masculine things as strong 599 00:26:38,500 --> 00:26:39,834 and feminine things as weak. 600 00:26:39,917 --> 00:26:42,583 And for most of my life, it stopped me doing things 601 00:26:42,667 --> 00:26:44,000 that society deemed feminine. 602 00:26:44,083 --> 00:26:47,041 And it's such a fucking pathetic way to deal with things. 603 00:26:47,125 --> 00:26:48,792 And I'm getting better at it and I want to, 604 00:26:48,875 --> 00:26:51,250 'cause there's a lot of shit that society deems feminine 605 00:26:51,333 --> 00:26:54,250 -that I fucking want. -(laughter) 606 00:26:54,333 --> 00:26:56,709 For example, ladies you, uh... 607 00:26:56,792 --> 00:26:58,959 you get to go to the bathroom together. 608 00:26:59,041 --> 00:27:01,583 (laughter) 609 00:27:01,667 --> 00:27:03,667 -I want that. -(laughter) 610 00:27:03,750 --> 00:27:05,458 And it's nothing you can give us. 611 00:27:05,542 --> 00:27:07,458 You as a gender, you have decided that you go to the bathroom together, 612 00:27:07,542 --> 00:27:09,834 'cause of course you do. It makes perfect sense to do it that way. 613 00:27:09,917 --> 00:27:12,417 Men, for some reason, we insist on going to the toilet alone. 614 00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:16,166 And nobody has ever been able to rationally explain to me why. 615 00:27:16,250 --> 00:27:18,250 Have you ever seen women going to the toilet together? 616 00:27:18,333 --> 00:27:20,625 -Like, it's fucking incredible! -(laughter) 617 00:27:20,709 --> 00:27:22,959 They'll just be sat there drinking cocktails, 618 00:27:23,041 --> 00:27:25,542 talking about science-- hashtag feminism. 619 00:27:25,625 --> 00:27:27,959 -(laughter) -And then... halfway through, 620 00:27:28,041 --> 00:27:30,333 one of them will just go, "I'm going to go to the toilet." 621 00:27:30,417 --> 00:27:34,625 And immediately three of her friends will go, "Ah! We'll come too!" 622 00:27:34,709 --> 00:27:36,125 And they get up, and they skip, 623 00:27:36,208 --> 00:27:38,250 and they link arms, it's like the start of The Hobbit. 624 00:27:38,333 --> 00:27:40,625 -It's beautiful! -(laughter) 625 00:27:40,709 --> 00:27:41,959 Yet when I want to take a piss, 626 00:27:42,041 --> 00:27:43,917 I gotta do a goddamn Frodo solo mission. 627 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,375 It makes so much sense to go the bathroom together. 628 00:27:46,458 --> 00:27:49,417 -And I've been doing a lot of research on this. -(laughter) 629 00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:52,500 And by research, I mean staring at women going to the toilets. 630 00:27:52,583 --> 00:27:54,125 (laughter) 631 00:27:54,208 --> 00:27:55,709 To the men in the room, I don't know if you know this-- 632 00:27:55,792 --> 00:27:57,583 'cause I fucking didn't-- but there's a lot of the time 633 00:27:57,667 --> 00:28:00,500 two women will go into the same cubicle together, 634 00:28:00,583 --> 00:28:03,417 only one of them needs to pee. 635 00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:04,709 (laughter) 636 00:28:04,792 --> 00:28:07,875 The other one is just there to keep her company. 637 00:28:07,959 --> 00:28:10,375 (laughter) 638 00:28:11,917 --> 00:28:14,166 "Are ya having a good pee?" 639 00:28:14,250 --> 00:28:18,000 "I am having a good pee. Yeah, thanks." 640 00:28:18,083 --> 00:28:20,333 "How's Darren?" "Oh, you know." 641 00:28:20,417 --> 00:28:24,000 -I want that! -(laughter) 642 00:28:24,083 --> 00:28:28,166 I've had some of the most brutal shits of my entire life 643 00:28:28,250 --> 00:28:31,208 in public bathrooms that would have been made way easier 644 00:28:31,291 --> 00:28:33,542 if one of my bro's was there holding my hand! 645 00:28:33,625 --> 00:28:35,625 (laughter) 646 00:28:35,709 --> 00:28:37,041 "Come on, Daniel, push!" 647 00:28:37,125 --> 00:28:40,458 -But it's so painful! -(laughter) 648 00:28:40,542 --> 00:28:42,583 "Come on, breathe! Just like we practiced." 649 00:28:42,667 --> 00:28:45,000 Ha-ha! I'll name it after you! 650 00:28:45,083 --> 00:28:49,291 (laughter and applause) 651 00:28:50,917 --> 00:28:53,917 -Do you wanna hold it? -(laughter) 652 00:28:58,041 --> 00:29:00,625 Obviously there are other reasons why women go to the bathroom together. 653 00:29:00,709 --> 00:29:03,125 One of the main reasons being sometimes one of you is wearing 654 00:29:03,208 --> 00:29:06,709 a playsuit or a romper and you need your fucking Formula One team there. 655 00:29:06,792 --> 00:29:08,625 (laughter) 656 00:29:08,709 --> 00:29:10,792 Oh, I know your secrets, ladies. 657 00:29:10,875 --> 00:29:12,083 (laughter) 658 00:29:12,166 --> 00:29:13,625 To the men that might not get that reference, 659 00:29:13,709 --> 00:29:15,625 if you ever see more than two women going to the bathroom, 660 00:29:15,709 --> 00:29:17,041 nine times out of ten it's because 661 00:29:17,125 --> 00:29:19,208 one of them is wearing an all-in-one monstrosity, 662 00:29:19,291 --> 00:29:21,041 and she needs at least three of her sisters to be like, 663 00:29:21,125 --> 00:29:23,625 (zips) "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!" 664 00:29:23,709 --> 00:29:25,250 (laughter) 665 00:29:25,333 --> 00:29:27,583 Because without them there, she can get out of it 666 00:29:27,667 --> 00:29:29,959 and then she's just naked until the bouncer arrives. 667 00:29:30,041 --> 00:29:32,458 (laughter) 668 00:29:36,583 --> 00:29:38,166 And I've tried, man. 669 00:29:38,250 --> 00:29:40,834 I have tried getting my guy friends to come to the toilet with me. 670 00:29:40,917 --> 00:29:42,291 Does not work. 671 00:29:42,375 --> 00:29:45,291 -It makes them very uncomfortable. -(laughter) 672 00:29:45,375 --> 00:29:47,458 If you thought me telling them I loved them scared them, 673 00:29:47,542 --> 00:29:50,583 -try inviting them to the bathroom. -(laughter) 674 00:29:50,667 --> 00:29:52,500 Don't do those two things in a row, by the way. 675 00:29:52,583 --> 00:29:54,291 (laughter) 676 00:29:54,375 --> 00:29:56,959 Hey, Mark, I love you. I'm going to go to the toilet. 677 00:29:57,041 --> 00:29:59,583 (laughter) 678 00:30:00,542 --> 00:30:02,375 (laughter) 679 00:30:04,125 --> 00:30:06,208 (laughter) 680 00:30:06,959 --> 00:30:09,417 (laughter) 681 00:30:10,750 --> 00:30:15,041 (laughter) 682 00:30:16,083 --> 00:30:17,291 (laughter) 683 00:30:17,375 --> 00:30:19,291 -Mark! -(laughter) 684 00:30:19,375 --> 00:30:20,542 "But I don't need to pee." 685 00:30:20,625 --> 00:30:23,041 -You don't need to need to pee. -(laughter) 686 00:30:23,125 --> 00:30:25,709 Just come be with me while I pee. 687 00:30:26,375 --> 00:30:28,000 "Why?" I'll miss you. 688 00:30:28,083 --> 00:30:30,250 (laughter) 689 00:30:30,333 --> 00:30:32,667 -Once, it's worked. -(laughter) 690 00:30:32,750 --> 00:30:34,917 -I remember the day so vividly. -(laughter) 691 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,291 November 22nd last year, Queens Arm pub in Edinburgh. 692 00:30:38,375 --> 00:30:40,083 I turned to one of my boys and I was like, hey man, 693 00:30:40,166 --> 00:30:41,917 I'm going to go to the toilet. Do you want to come? 694 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:43,875 He was like, "Fuck yeah, Sloss, I'll join you." 695 00:30:43,959 --> 00:30:45,166 I was like... 696 00:30:45,250 --> 00:30:48,542 (laughter) 697 00:30:48,625 --> 00:30:52,583 -I'm making a difference! -(laughter) 698 00:30:52,667 --> 00:30:55,500 You should have seen the disappointment on his face 699 00:30:55,583 --> 00:30:57,458 when I did not have cocaine. 700 00:30:57,542 --> 00:31:04,458 (laughter and applause) 701 00:31:06,667 --> 00:31:08,834 He was a very angry man. 702 00:31:08,917 --> 00:31:11,375 (laughter) 703 00:31:11,458 --> 00:31:14,166 "Why is your dick out?!" Why is your wallet out?! 704 00:31:14,250 --> 00:31:16,917 (laughter) 705 00:31:20,792 --> 00:31:22,959 I am not that type of lady. 706 00:31:23,041 --> 00:31:26,125 (laughter) 707 00:31:31,083 --> 00:31:34,000 Just trying to fix the shit in my brain. 708 00:31:34,083 --> 00:31:37,333 I'm still not 100% happy with who I am as a person. 709 00:31:37,417 --> 00:31:41,959 Especially-- do you ever have yourself having thoughts that you hope to fuck aren't yours? 710 00:31:42,041 --> 00:31:43,542 (laughter) 711 00:31:43,625 --> 00:31:46,375 Like, I can find myself having opinions that I don't even agree with, 712 00:31:46,458 --> 00:31:48,792 and I don't know how that works. 713 00:31:49,417 --> 00:31:51,291 Just be sat in my house being a nice person, 714 00:31:51,375 --> 00:31:53,208 then just something horrible will cross my mind. 715 00:31:53,291 --> 00:31:56,959 I'm like, fucking some cunt better have walked by with his Bluetooth on. 716 00:31:57,041 --> 00:31:58,875 (laughter) 717 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,959 Like, and I don't think-- I don't think it's like-- I don't think I'm a bad person. 718 00:32:02,041 --> 00:32:07,667 I think just a lot of the time I haven't consciously updated all of my opinions yet. 719 00:32:07,750 --> 00:32:10,333 Like, I still have some opinions from 2005, 720 00:32:10,417 --> 00:32:12,000 and occasionally when I'm drunk 721 00:32:12,083 --> 00:32:14,417 my brain will just go, and here's the classics. 722 00:32:14,500 --> 00:32:16,542 -And... -(laughter) 723 00:32:16,625 --> 00:32:18,542 They're not necessarily hateful opinions. 724 00:32:18,625 --> 00:32:20,875 they're just shitty opinions that a 15-year-old has. 725 00:32:20,959 --> 00:32:23,083 Like, the first time I became aware of one, I was at a party, 726 00:32:23,166 --> 00:32:25,417 and I was talking to this really fucking interesting girl. 727 00:32:25,500 --> 00:32:26,750 We had a good conversation, 728 00:32:26,834 --> 00:32:28,041 and then in the midst of it, she was just like, 729 00:32:28,125 --> 00:32:29,458 "What is it that you do for a living?" 730 00:32:29,542 --> 00:32:30,625 And I was like, oh, I'm a comedian. 731 00:32:30,709 --> 00:32:31,917 What do you do for a living? 732 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:33,250 And she was like, "Oh, I'm a footballer," 733 00:32:33,333 --> 00:32:35,750 as in she was a professional soccer player. 734 00:32:35,834 --> 00:32:37,583 And I was like, oh, cool! 735 00:32:37,667 --> 00:32:39,917 But my internal monologue was just like, 736 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:42,542 "I'm a much better footballer than you!" 737 00:32:42,625 --> 00:32:44,834 (laughter) 738 00:32:45,709 --> 00:32:48,250 -And that is not true. -(laughter) 739 00:32:48,333 --> 00:32:52,166 She's a professional, and I haven't played football since I was 15 years old. 740 00:32:52,250 --> 00:32:54,125 But I also haven't consciously updated my opinion 741 00:32:54,208 --> 00:32:56,917 of myself playing football since I was 15 years old. That's what I mean. 742 00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:58,750 I would argue these aren't even my opinions. 743 00:32:58,834 --> 00:33:01,458 They're more like the echoes of a less educated me. 744 00:33:01,542 --> 00:33:03,834 They are the residue of ignorance. 745 00:33:03,917 --> 00:33:06,250 Now, every single one of us has ignorant opinions. 746 00:33:06,333 --> 00:33:08,041 And if you think you don't have any ignorant opinions, 747 00:33:08,125 --> 00:33:11,166 -it's because you've not said them all out loud yet. -(laughter) 748 00:33:11,250 --> 00:33:13,166 A lot of the time most things sound fine in your head, 749 00:33:13,250 --> 00:33:15,125 but when you say them out loud for the first time, you're like, 750 00:33:15,208 --> 00:33:18,417 -aah, fuck! -(laughter) 751 00:33:18,500 --> 00:33:20,834 -That's definitely wrong. -(laughter) 752 00:33:20,917 --> 00:33:22,625 I'm going to have to stand by that for three weeks 753 00:33:22,709 --> 00:33:25,750 -for no other reason other than pride. -(laughter) 754 00:33:25,834 --> 00:33:29,083 And then pretend I read a book that changed my mind. 755 00:33:29,166 --> 00:33:30,917 (laughter) 756 00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:33,500 Takes being involved in a conversation with someone 757 00:33:33,583 --> 00:33:36,458 where you're talking about something that, you know, 758 00:33:36,542 --> 00:33:38,041 that you haven't thought about for ten years, 759 00:33:38,125 --> 00:33:40,834 so of course the opinion is ten years out of date. 760 00:33:40,917 --> 00:33:42,959 I was talking to one of my boys, one of my WhatsApp boys, 761 00:33:43,041 --> 00:33:45,166 -one of my (grunts) boys, right? -(laughter) 762 00:33:45,250 --> 00:33:47,000 And he'd been seeing a girl for, like, ages. 763 00:33:47,083 --> 00:33:49,375 They'd been on, like, ten dates and they'd only kissed, 764 00:33:49,458 --> 00:33:52,333 which is fine, that's fine, that's fine, that's fine. 765 00:33:52,417 --> 00:33:54,375 (laughter) 766 00:33:54,458 --> 00:33:56,750 And after, like, the tenth date of only kissing, he was like, 767 00:33:56,834 --> 00:33:58,417 "Man, I think she really likes me." 768 00:33:58,500 --> 00:34:00,750 And I was like, she fucking doesn't, man. 769 00:34:00,834 --> 00:34:02,166 (laughter) 770 00:34:02,250 --> 00:34:03,417 "Oh, how can you tell?" 771 00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:05,208 Because your nose still smells like your nose. 772 00:34:05,291 --> 00:34:06,709 It's a very simple equa-- 773 00:34:06,792 --> 00:34:10,250 (groans, laughter) 774 00:34:13,250 --> 00:34:14,917 First of all, if you get that reference, 775 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:18,875 -you're not better than me, okay? -(laughter) 776 00:34:18,959 --> 00:34:23,208 You don't get to understand the reference and then be upset 777 00:34:23,291 --> 00:34:26,709 -because I know how you understand the reference. -(laughter) 778 00:34:26,792 --> 00:34:30,291 It's the same way I understand the fucking reference. 779 00:34:30,792 --> 00:34:33,375 You don't get to sit there being like, "Sir, how dare you?" 780 00:34:33,458 --> 00:34:34,834 -(laughter) -"How dare-- 781 00:34:34,917 --> 00:34:36,709 "Barely were the words out of your mouth 782 00:34:36,792 --> 00:34:38,792 before my mother was like, 'Yeah, done that!'" 783 00:34:38,875 --> 00:34:41,542 -(laughter) -(Daniel chuckling) 784 00:34:41,625 --> 00:34:43,083 Look, I respect her. 785 00:34:43,166 --> 00:34:44,959 Uh, I respect her for having boundaries 786 00:34:45,041 --> 00:34:47,125 and I respect him for respecting her boundaries. 787 00:34:47,208 --> 00:34:49,542 I'm still going to make fun of him though because fuck him. 788 00:34:49,625 --> 00:34:51,208 -So... -(laughter) 789 00:34:51,291 --> 00:34:54,458 Eventually they had sex, and I was happy for them. 790 00:34:55,375 --> 00:34:56,417 And I was talking to him afterwards 791 00:34:56,500 --> 00:34:57,875 and I was like, how was the sex? 792 00:34:57,959 --> 00:34:59,709 And he was like, "Oh, man, it was the best sex ever." 793 00:34:59,792 --> 00:35:01,375 I was like, it wasn't, but okay. 794 00:35:01,458 --> 00:35:03,291 -(laughter) -He was like, "Yeah, it was, right? 795 00:35:03,375 --> 00:35:05,583 -At one point we were making love." -(gags) 796 00:35:05,667 --> 00:35:08,041 (laughter) 797 00:35:08,125 --> 00:35:10,375 -I'm very mature. -(laughter) 798 00:35:10,458 --> 00:35:12,250 "So, at one point we were making love. 799 00:35:12,333 --> 00:35:16,542 "And while we were making love, she shoved her finger up my ass, right?" 800 00:35:16,625 --> 00:35:19,250 And then he kept talking. 801 00:35:19,333 --> 00:35:21,417 (laughter) 802 00:35:21,500 --> 00:35:24,917 -And I had stopped listening. -(laughter) 803 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,375 The second he said she shoved her finger up my ass, 804 00:35:27,458 --> 00:35:31,709 my brain just went, "Hey Sloss, you have an opinion on that." 805 00:35:31,792 --> 00:35:33,625 (laughter) 806 00:35:33,709 --> 00:35:36,083 -And I was like, do I? -(laughter) 807 00:35:36,166 --> 00:35:39,583 -Oh, I wonder what it could be. -(laughter) 808 00:35:39,667 --> 00:35:42,875 I bet it's progressive. 809 00:35:42,959 --> 00:35:45,709 (laughter) 810 00:35:47,250 --> 00:35:48,667 Now, all my newer opinions-- 811 00:35:48,750 --> 00:35:50,583 all the ones I've developed in about the last ten years so-- 812 00:35:50,667 --> 00:35:51,959 they're stored at the front of my brain 813 00:35:52,041 --> 00:35:53,959 in the easily accessible part of the library. 814 00:35:54,041 --> 00:35:55,458 You walk into the front of my brain, 815 00:35:55,542 --> 00:35:57,041 all my opinions are laid out there 816 00:35:57,125 --> 00:35:58,959 in easily digestible brochure format. 817 00:35:59,041 --> 00:36:01,834 There's a comments section, they can all be updated at a moment's notice. 818 00:36:01,917 --> 00:36:03,625 It's a very, very efficient system. 819 00:36:03,709 --> 00:36:05,333 All of my older opinions are stored 820 00:36:05,417 --> 00:36:07,917 in a fucked up warehouse in the back of my brain. 821 00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:11,500 Understand I do not want any of these opinions anymore, 822 00:36:11,583 --> 00:36:14,291 but my brain has decided to hold onto them for no other reason 823 00:36:14,375 --> 00:36:18,000 than it's an overbearing mother being like, "You never know!" 824 00:36:18,083 --> 00:36:19,458 (laughter) 825 00:36:19,542 --> 00:36:22,166 It's a ramshackle clusterfuck of different horrible opinions. 826 00:36:22,250 --> 00:36:24,834 Some of them are set in stone, and that's annoying. 827 00:36:24,917 --> 00:36:26,959 But the whole place is run by a lovely old man. 828 00:36:27,041 --> 00:36:29,375 His name is Nigel, he wears a monocle, you'd like him. 829 00:36:29,458 --> 00:36:31,166 -Now... -(laughter) 830 00:36:31,250 --> 00:36:33,750 Occasionally I've got to pop up to the back of my brain to talk to Nigel 831 00:36:33,834 --> 00:36:35,166 to find out what my old opinions are. 832 00:36:35,250 --> 00:36:37,417 So I pop upstairs-- he's always happy to see me. 833 00:36:37,500 --> 00:36:39,041 I'll be like, hey Nigel. 834 00:36:39,125 --> 00:36:43,125 and he's like, "Mister... Mr. Sloss, how are you?" 835 00:36:43,208 --> 00:36:45,166 I'm good, Nige. I'm just-- 836 00:36:45,250 --> 00:36:46,875 just looking for an old opinion of mine. 837 00:36:46,959 --> 00:36:49,083 "Oh, you've certainly come to the right place. 838 00:36:49,166 --> 00:36:50,917 "What older opinion can I interest you in? 839 00:36:51,041 --> 00:36:53,583 Oh, is it your crush on the Olsen twins?" 840 00:36:53,667 --> 00:36:56,166 -(laughter) -Oh, no, no. 841 00:36:56,250 --> 00:36:59,041 -That is fucking old though. -(laughter) 842 00:36:59,125 --> 00:37:01,041 You can actually just throw that out, Nigel. 843 00:37:01,125 --> 00:37:03,959 -I think they're dead. -(laughter) 844 00:37:04,041 --> 00:37:07,375 "Oh, okay, well, what opinion is it you're after then, Mr. Sloss?" 845 00:37:07,458 --> 00:37:10,417 Well, Nigel, it's just I'm talking to one of my boys out there, 846 00:37:10,500 --> 00:37:13,792 and I was just wondering, do I have any opinions on, um... 847 00:37:15,542 --> 00:37:17,875 (quietly): Do I have any opinions on stuff going up my butt? 848 00:37:17,959 --> 00:37:19,542 (laughter) 849 00:37:19,625 --> 00:37:21,625 "Stuff going up your butt?" 850 00:37:21,709 --> 00:37:23,208 Aye. 851 00:37:23,291 --> 00:37:24,750 "Um..." 852 00:37:26,875 --> 00:37:29,458 (laughter) 853 00:37:32,125 --> 00:37:34,166 (laughter) 854 00:37:36,583 --> 00:37:38,333 (laughter) 855 00:37:41,125 --> 00:37:44,458 "Aye. Aye, you do. I can't see it there. 856 00:37:44,542 --> 00:37:46,959 "But if I remember correctly, you definitely thought about it. 857 00:37:47,041 --> 00:37:49,667 "It was only once and it was either 2004 or-- 858 00:37:49,750 --> 00:37:51,625 "My memory's not what it used to be, Mr. Sloss. 859 00:37:51,709 --> 00:37:53,458 "2005, yes, that was it. 2005. 860 00:37:53,542 --> 00:37:55,750 "You were 15 years old, your parents had gone to the cinema, 861 00:37:55,834 --> 00:37:56,959 "and you had to babysit your brothers. 862 00:37:57,041 --> 00:37:58,291 "Once you put your brothers to sleep, 863 00:37:58,375 --> 00:38:00,250 "you were watching porn on the family computer. 864 00:38:00,333 --> 00:38:02,458 "And in one of the pornos, the woman shoved her finger up the man's ass. 865 00:38:02,542 --> 00:38:05,500 You were very confused. You thought she was trying to reset him." 866 00:38:05,583 --> 00:38:11,208 (laughter and applause) 867 00:38:13,333 --> 00:38:15,417 (laughter) 868 00:38:17,583 --> 00:38:18,959 "Here you go, Mr. Sloss, 2005. 869 00:38:19,041 --> 00:38:20,917 "It'll be in here somewhere. Just give me two seconds. 870 00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:22,709 -Okay." -(blows) 871 00:38:23,750 --> 00:38:26,125 (laughter) 872 00:38:26,208 --> 00:38:28,333 (muttering): "Stuff going up your butt... 873 00:38:28,417 --> 00:38:30,083 "Stuff going up your butt... 874 00:38:30,166 --> 00:38:33,333 -(laughter) -"Stuff-- Oh, your favorite Pokemon! 875 00:38:33,417 --> 00:38:35,792 -"No? Well... -(laughter) 876 00:38:35,875 --> 00:38:38,625 -"Jigglypuff and... -(laughter) 877 00:38:38,709 --> 00:38:41,250 "Oh, here we go, 2005. Here we go, Mr. Sloss, 2005. 15 years old... 878 00:38:41,333 --> 00:38:43,625 "Stuff going up your butt, stuff going up your butt... 879 00:38:43,709 --> 00:38:46,375 -Gay!" -(laughter) 880 00:38:47,667 --> 00:38:50,917 -Aah, no! -(laughter) 881 00:38:51,834 --> 00:38:55,792 Nigel, I can't have that be my opinion on that. 882 00:38:55,875 --> 00:38:57,333 "Oh, why ever not, Mr. Sloss?" 883 00:38:57,417 --> 00:38:59,834 Because it's fucking homophobic, Nigel. 884 00:38:59,917 --> 00:39:01,208 (laughter) 885 00:39:01,291 --> 00:39:03,500 "But, Mr. Sloss, you are homophobic." 886 00:39:03,583 --> 00:39:06,750 (laughter) 887 00:39:07,667 --> 00:39:10,000 -I beg your pardon, Nigel. -(laughter) 888 00:39:10,083 --> 00:39:12,917 I am absolutely not homophobic. 889 00:39:13,542 --> 00:39:16,917 "Mr. Sloss, 28 years of people using the word gay as an insult 890 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,250 has done some pretty lasting damage up here." 891 00:39:22,125 --> 00:39:24,083 -Huh! -(laughter) 892 00:39:24,166 --> 00:39:26,875 Real-- Real-- Oh! I just-- I just-- I-- No, come on! 893 00:39:26,959 --> 00:39:30,041 Surely, we must have got rid of all the homophobia back in 2007. 894 00:39:30,125 --> 00:39:31,625 Surely, there must've been a clear out. 895 00:39:31,709 --> 00:39:33,667 Remember? Seventeenth birthday, we were in St. Andrews. 896 00:39:33,750 --> 00:39:36,542 We got really, really drunk, then we went outside and we shared a joint with that guy. 897 00:39:36,625 --> 00:39:38,375 He leaned in, then you leaned in, 898 00:39:38,458 --> 00:39:39,792 and we kissed for at least a minute. 899 00:39:39,875 --> 00:39:41,375 And I thought in that moment, we realized 900 00:39:41,458 --> 00:39:43,375 that maybe sexuality was more of a spectrum 901 00:39:43,458 --> 00:39:44,959 as opposed to a binary thing. 902 00:39:45,041 --> 00:39:47,542 "Oh, no, Mr. Sloss, that's over there in issues." 903 00:39:47,625 --> 00:39:48,875 Oh, cool, leave it there. 904 00:39:48,959 --> 00:39:52,792 (laughter and applause) 905 00:39:55,792 --> 00:39:58,709 Anyway, Nigel, I'm not really comfortable having a homophobic opinion anymore. 906 00:39:58,792 --> 00:40:00,375 So, if you can just throw this one out, 907 00:40:00,458 --> 00:40:02,417 and I'll give you my new non-homophobic opinion, 908 00:40:02,500 --> 00:40:04,208 and I can move on with my life. 909 00:40:04,291 --> 00:40:06,792 "Eh, that's not really how this works, Mr. Sloss. 910 00:40:06,875 --> 00:40:09,375 "You see, you developed this opinion before you were 18. 911 00:40:09,458 --> 00:40:11,583 "When we're young, our brains are very malleable, responsive, 912 00:40:11,667 --> 00:40:13,750 "we're very open and receptive to new bits of information 913 00:40:13,834 --> 00:40:15,208 "'cause we're essentially blank slates. 914 00:40:15,291 --> 00:40:16,750 "So, nothing's really right or wrong for us. 915 00:40:16,834 --> 00:40:18,625 "But when we become adults and we're finishing puberty, 916 00:40:18,709 --> 00:40:20,667 "our brains solidify in a way. 917 00:40:20,750 --> 00:40:23,166 "Things that were originally just opinions cement themselves as fact 918 00:40:23,250 --> 00:40:24,583 "because we've believed them for longer 919 00:40:24,667 --> 00:40:26,125 "and we think that gives them more credibility. 920 00:40:26,208 --> 00:40:27,875 "That's why the older we get, the more stubborn we are 921 00:40:27,959 --> 00:40:29,583 to new ideas and new ways of life." 922 00:40:29,667 --> 00:40:31,750 And I'm like, that is absolutely riveting, Nigel. 923 00:40:31,834 --> 00:40:34,041 -Change the fucking opinion. -(laughter) 924 00:40:34,125 --> 00:40:36,083 Nigel, I can't have a homophobic opinion. 925 00:40:36,166 --> 00:40:40,000 It's 2019, and I'm not even trying to virtue signal at this point anymore, Nigel, 926 00:40:40,083 --> 00:40:42,375 but in the past five years, I've actually been 927 00:40:42,458 --> 00:40:45,542 to more gay weddings than I've been to straight weddings. 928 00:40:46,333 --> 00:40:49,250 "But... but, Mr. Sloss, all weddings are gay." 929 00:40:49,333 --> 00:40:52,834 -Fuck, that's not still in there is it? -(laughter) 930 00:41:00,291 --> 00:41:02,208 You have to be able to change your old opinions. 931 00:41:02,291 --> 00:41:05,000 It's hard, but you have to be able to do it. 932 00:41:05,875 --> 00:41:06,959 I struggle with it sometimes. 933 00:41:07,041 --> 00:41:08,750 I'm a fucking stubborn motherfucker. 934 00:41:08,834 --> 00:41:10,709 I'm trying to get better at it. The way I'm getting better 935 00:41:10,792 --> 00:41:13,250 is I'm just trying to talk to people who I disagree with. 936 00:41:13,333 --> 00:41:15,875 Like, 'cause either they strengthen my argument 937 00:41:15,959 --> 00:41:18,250 or they change my mind, and neither of those things are bad. 938 00:41:18,333 --> 00:41:21,125 It's just-- somebody can say something from a different perspective, 939 00:41:21,208 --> 00:41:23,792 and you go, oh, fuck, okay, I hadn't taken that into consideration. 940 00:41:23,875 --> 00:41:26,041 -You're still wrong, but thanks. -(laughter) 941 00:41:26,125 --> 00:41:28,583 But then there's other times people will do something-- and not even say anything-- 942 00:41:28,667 --> 00:41:31,166 but just through a simple action, they'll change your opinion. 943 00:41:31,250 --> 00:41:33,417 You'll just go, holy fuck, okay, I was wrong. 944 00:41:33,500 --> 00:41:36,625 For example, a couple of months ago, I was having sex with a girl 945 00:41:36,709 --> 00:41:38,250 and she shoved her finger up my ass, 946 00:41:38,333 --> 00:41:40,625 -and... -(laughter) 947 00:41:40,709 --> 00:41:42,458 ...it was a lot like being in the Matrix, 948 00:41:42,542 --> 00:41:45,333 because I learned karate in two seconds. 949 00:41:45,417 --> 00:41:47,500 (laughter) 950 00:41:47,583 --> 00:41:49,750 She just shoved it up there, and I was like, 951 00:41:49,834 --> 00:41:54,125 No, no, never! Hi-yah! Be gone! Never! Ooh, ah! 952 00:41:54,208 --> 00:41:57,375 Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh... ah! 953 00:41:57,458 --> 00:42:00,834 Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Ho, ho! 954 00:42:00,917 --> 00:42:03,333 Namaste. 955 00:42:03,417 --> 00:42:06,625 (laughter and applause) 956 00:42:07,917 --> 00:42:10,417 And that lack of applause you hear is coming from men 957 00:42:10,500 --> 00:42:13,083 who've never taken a digit up the shitter. 958 00:42:13,750 --> 00:42:16,500 And to the men who've never taken a finger up the tailpipe, 959 00:42:16,583 --> 00:42:18,333 all I have to tell you is, 960 00:42:18,417 --> 00:42:20,583 it's your own time you're wasting. 961 00:42:20,667 --> 00:42:21,959 (laughter) 962 00:42:22,041 --> 00:42:25,291 You are punishing no one apart from yourself. 963 00:42:25,375 --> 00:42:27,709 And you can sit there being a fucking "man" about it, 964 00:42:27,792 --> 00:42:29,625 be like, "Oh, no. No, it's not for me." 965 00:42:29,709 --> 00:42:32,375 -Scientifically, it is. -(laughter) 966 00:42:32,458 --> 00:42:35,458 Scientifically, it's right up your alley, no pun intended. 967 00:42:35,542 --> 00:42:38,208 -(laughter) -That's where your clit is. 968 00:42:38,291 --> 00:42:41,458 -It's a shit clit, but it's a clit nonetheless. -(laughter) 969 00:42:41,542 --> 00:42:43,375 Just a little button halfway up there 970 00:42:43,458 --> 00:42:45,000 that makes everything taste like ice cream, 971 00:42:45,083 --> 00:42:47,250 except the finger obviously. 972 00:42:47,333 --> 00:42:49,750 (laughter) 973 00:42:49,834 --> 00:42:53,041 To the men in the room that are too scared to take a finger up the ass-- 974 00:42:53,125 --> 00:42:56,375 and I will not change my choice of words there-- 975 00:42:56,458 --> 00:43:00,041 -to the men in the room that are too (in baby talk): scared... 976 00:43:00,125 --> 00:43:02,709 -too scared to... (blubbering) -(laughter) 977 00:43:02,792 --> 00:43:04,667 ...too scared to take a little finger up the ass, 978 00:43:04,750 --> 00:43:07,417 I can tell you exactly why you're too scared to take a finger up your ass. 979 00:43:07,500 --> 00:43:10,375 It is because deep down, this is what your insecurity is. 980 00:43:10,458 --> 00:43:14,750 Deep down you don't think it's a button up there. 981 00:43:14,834 --> 00:43:17,083 You think it's a switch. 982 00:43:17,166 --> 00:43:20,250 (laughter) 983 00:43:20,333 --> 00:43:25,041 -That's it. -(laughter and applause) 984 00:43:25,125 --> 00:43:29,834 That is all your pathetic little insecurity is. 985 00:43:29,917 --> 00:43:32,000 You reckon she's going to shove her finger up your ass 986 00:43:32,083 --> 00:43:33,750 and you're going to start singing Elton John. 987 00:43:33,834 --> 00:43:36,834 -And that is... -(laughter) 988 00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:40,959 so homophobic even Nigel's like, "Jesus Christ." 989 00:43:41,041 --> 00:43:43,125 (laughter) 990 00:43:47,041 --> 00:43:48,500 So, I don't necessarily like, you know, 991 00:43:48,583 --> 00:43:50,834 the narrative that we pitch about pensioners nowadays. 992 00:43:50,917 --> 00:43:52,917 You know, all old people are racists, all old people are bigots. 993 00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:55,625 Like, yeah, sure, half of them are, but they'll all be dead soon. 994 00:43:55,709 --> 00:43:57,208 (laughter) 995 00:43:57,291 --> 00:43:59,500 Just a little bit, of course, they've got out-of-date opinions, 996 00:43:59,583 --> 00:44:01,125 they're fucking ancient. 997 00:44:01,208 --> 00:44:02,959 Like, I think you should be nice to old people, 998 00:44:03,041 --> 00:44:05,166 treat them with respect, make them cups of tea, 999 00:44:05,250 --> 00:44:06,709 and then when they tell you their opinions, 1000 00:44:06,792 --> 00:44:10,166 just go "Uh-huh," and then never mention them again. 1001 00:44:10,250 --> 00:44:12,250 Let them die with them. 1002 00:44:12,333 --> 00:44:14,625 Old people will have opinions that are just so out of date 1003 00:44:14,709 --> 00:44:16,417 that they'll just say them and you're like, 1004 00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:18,792 fucking when was that valid? 1005 00:44:18,875 --> 00:44:20,458 (laughter) 1006 00:44:20,542 --> 00:44:23,667 They'll just say things that aren't even hateful, they're just, "Blah. 1007 00:44:23,750 --> 00:44:26,667 "Back in my day we didn't have depression or anxiety. 1008 00:44:26,750 --> 00:44:30,667 We just called it being sad, and we got on with our days." 1009 00:44:31,250 --> 00:44:33,542 All right, cool, that's a medical misdiagnosis. 1010 00:44:33,625 --> 00:44:36,000 -(laughter) -That's the equivalent of saying, 1011 00:44:36,083 --> 00:44:38,166 "Back in my day we didn't have breast cancer. 1012 00:44:38,250 --> 00:44:41,542 We just called it itchy tits and we died at 37." 1013 00:44:41,625 --> 00:44:43,375 -Like... -(laughter) 1014 00:44:43,458 --> 00:44:45,667 Yeah, well, now we have medicine and names for things 1015 00:44:45,750 --> 00:44:47,500 and the world is largely better. 1016 00:44:47,583 --> 00:44:49,625 (laughter) 1017 00:44:51,083 --> 00:44:54,291 Oh, and by the way, if you hate my generation as much as you claim to, 1018 00:44:54,375 --> 00:44:57,083 how about you stop using our doctors and medicine? 1019 00:44:57,166 --> 00:44:59,125 (audience groans, laughs) 1020 00:44:59,208 --> 00:45:01,417 See you in the ground, cunt. 1021 00:45:01,500 --> 00:45:05,542 (laughter and applause) 1022 00:45:05,625 --> 00:45:08,125 But... I want you to understand, 1023 00:45:08,208 --> 00:45:11,000 when I bring up these shitty opinions that I once held, 1024 00:45:11,083 --> 00:45:13,208 I don't bring them up to let them see the light of day again, 1025 00:45:13,291 --> 00:45:16,583 to reinvigorate them, or to give them any more credibility than they're due. 1026 00:45:16,667 --> 00:45:19,083 I bring them up to show you that I used to be a piece of shit. 1027 00:45:19,166 --> 00:45:21,417 I mean, I still am one, but I'm getting better. 1028 00:45:21,500 --> 00:45:23,458 And that's allowed. Like, I have opinions now 1029 00:45:23,542 --> 00:45:26,375 that I would have disagreed with five years ago, and that's allowed. 1030 00:45:26,458 --> 00:45:29,583 I have opinions now that I might disagree with in five years' time, 1031 00:45:29,667 --> 00:45:31,208 and that's allowed. 1032 00:45:31,291 --> 00:45:32,875 Just because you've become an adult 1033 00:45:32,959 --> 00:45:34,709 doesn't mean you stop growing and learning. 1034 00:45:34,792 --> 00:45:38,250 And if you do, you fucking suck. 1035 00:45:38,333 --> 00:45:39,834 We live in a society now 1036 00:45:39,917 --> 00:45:41,709 where people are being held accountable 1037 00:45:41,792 --> 00:45:43,709 to things they said ten years ago, 1038 00:45:43,792 --> 00:45:47,709 as if that's who any of us fucking are anymore, and I find that ludicrous. 1039 00:45:47,792 --> 00:45:50,542 Understand, I don't think you should carte blanche fucking get freedom, 1040 00:45:50,625 --> 00:45:54,417 but just understand, whenever I catch myself thinking 1041 00:45:54,500 --> 00:45:57,333 something sexist or homophobic or even sometimes racist, 1042 00:45:57,417 --> 00:46:00,458 I am ashamed, I'm embarrassed by it, I truly, truly am to my core. 1043 00:46:00,542 --> 00:46:03,750 Because that's not who I am, that's not who I want to be. 1044 00:46:03,834 --> 00:46:05,542 The solace I take from it is, 1045 00:46:05,625 --> 00:46:07,000 I realize that none of my shitty opinions, 1046 00:46:07,083 --> 00:46:08,417 they've never come from a place of hatred. 1047 00:46:08,500 --> 00:46:10,291 They've only ever come from a place of ignorance, 1048 00:46:10,375 --> 00:46:12,750 which isn't much better, but it is better. 1049 00:46:13,291 --> 00:46:14,583 Hate and ignorance go hand-in-hand, 1050 00:46:14,667 --> 00:46:16,375 but ignorance is more easy to cure. 1051 00:46:16,458 --> 00:46:19,000 And everyone is fucking ignorant. I don't give a fuck who you are. 1052 00:46:19,083 --> 00:46:21,583 You've lived one life, 7.5 billion are available. 1053 00:46:21,667 --> 00:46:23,417 You don't know shit about everyone else. 1054 00:46:23,500 --> 00:46:24,875 Like, not something to be proud of. 1055 00:46:24,959 --> 00:46:27,250 Even now, like, women, I've known you for 28 years 1056 00:46:27,333 --> 00:46:30,583 and I've still got fucking no idea about half your issues. 1057 00:46:30,667 --> 00:46:32,959 I'm trying to get better, I'm trying to learn, but it's a slow fucking process. 1058 00:46:33,041 --> 00:46:35,792 -I'm going to talk to you. What's your name? -Man: Nick. 1059 00:46:35,875 --> 00:46:37,250 Daniel: Nick. Nick, can I ask you a question? 1060 00:46:37,333 --> 00:46:38,959 If you don't know the answer to the question, Nick, 1061 00:46:39,041 --> 00:46:41,041 that's fine, that's the point of the routine. 1062 00:46:41,125 --> 00:46:43,542 I also don't know the answer, we can be idiots together. 1063 00:46:43,625 --> 00:46:45,291 If you do know the answer to the question, 1064 00:46:45,375 --> 00:46:46,709 I'll look like a fucking moron. 1065 00:46:46,792 --> 00:46:49,083 It's win-win for you. Are you happy to participate? 1066 00:46:49,166 --> 00:46:50,625 -(laughter) -Cool. 1067 00:46:50,709 --> 00:46:52,959 Nick, how do tampons work? 1068 00:46:53,041 --> 00:46:56,583 (laughter and applause) 1069 00:46:56,667 --> 00:46:58,625 Not a fucking clue? I admire your honesty. 1070 00:46:58,709 --> 00:47:00,500 And your girlfriend's like, "What, why would he know?" 1071 00:47:00,583 --> 00:47:02,542 Okay, I'm with you, I'm with you. 1072 00:47:02,625 --> 00:47:06,375 Um, I'm saying I know how one form of sanitary product works, and that is the Moon Cup. 1073 00:47:06,458 --> 00:47:08,500 Now, do you know about the Moon Cup, Nick? 1074 00:47:08,583 --> 00:47:10,125 Little bit? That's cool. I'll explain. 1075 00:47:10,208 --> 00:47:12,625 -Strap in, uh... -(laughter) 1076 00:47:12,709 --> 00:47:15,625 Those of you that don't know, men, uh, the Moon Cup is, 1077 00:47:15,709 --> 00:47:17,625 it's a small silicon menstrual cup 1078 00:47:17,709 --> 00:47:19,667 and it's a reusable form of sanitary product. 1079 00:47:19,750 --> 00:47:22,667 And the reason it exists is because women don't get free tampons. 1080 00:47:22,750 --> 00:47:28,000 Because as we all know tampons are rightfully classified as luxury items. 1081 00:47:28,083 --> 00:47:30,500 Uh, sitting on your thrones of joy! 1082 00:47:30,583 --> 00:47:31,834 (laughter) 1083 00:47:31,917 --> 00:47:36,166 Oh, as a man, I dream but to one day afford a tampon. 1084 00:47:36,250 --> 00:47:39,834 -(laughter) -Ah, how the other half live! 1085 00:47:39,917 --> 00:47:42,208 Women, you truly do get it all. 1086 00:47:42,291 --> 00:47:43,834 (laughter) 1087 00:47:43,917 --> 00:47:47,041 So, women of lower income families and homeless women 1088 00:47:47,125 --> 00:47:49,625 wouldn't get free tampons and they'd have to use rags or nothing. 1089 00:47:49,709 --> 00:47:51,875 And they'd get infections and there's a high mortality rate. 1090 00:47:51,959 --> 00:47:53,667 Then an amazing woman called Leona Chalmers 1091 00:47:53,750 --> 00:47:55,000 invented this small reusable cup. 1092 00:47:55,083 --> 00:47:56,834 And the only reason I know anything about this 1093 00:47:56,917 --> 00:47:58,750 is because one of my friends walked in one day, 1094 00:47:58,834 --> 00:48:00,792 she was like, "I use the Moon Cup now." 1095 00:48:00,875 --> 00:48:01,959 And I was like, "Ew!" 1096 00:48:02,041 --> 00:48:04,125 And then she hit me, and that's fair. 1097 00:48:04,208 --> 00:48:06,000 (laughter) 1098 00:48:06,083 --> 00:48:08,959 And afterwards, I was like, okay, can I ask you a bunch of questions about it? 1099 00:48:09,041 --> 00:48:11,959 She's like, "Of course you can. That's the only way you'll stop being ignorant. 1100 00:48:12,041 --> 00:48:13,291 What would you like to know?" 1101 00:48:13,375 --> 00:48:15,625 And I was like, how do you...? 1102 00:48:15,709 --> 00:48:17,083 (laughter) 1103 00:48:17,166 --> 00:48:19,208 How do you actually-- How do you get it up-- I just-- 1104 00:48:19,291 --> 00:48:20,542 How do you get it up there? I just don't-- 1105 00:48:20,625 --> 00:48:22,583 How do you get an open end up an open end? 1106 00:48:22,667 --> 00:48:25,208 -Like, I just... -(laughter) 1107 00:48:25,291 --> 00:48:27,583 Like, that's not how you stack cups. 1108 00:48:27,667 --> 00:48:30,125 -(laughter) -Like... 1109 00:48:31,375 --> 00:48:33,917 Like, that's how you make horse noises in Monty Python. 1110 00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:36,667 -Like, that's not... -(laughter and applause) 1111 00:48:36,750 --> 00:48:39,041 -I don't... -(laughter continuing) 1112 00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:41,333 And she was like, "It's very simple, Dan. 1113 00:48:41,417 --> 00:48:43,750 You go Italian and then you appreciate." 1114 00:48:43,834 --> 00:48:47,417 -(laughter) -I was like, ah-ha-ha. Okay. 1115 00:48:47,500 --> 00:48:48,875 Then apparently to get it out, 1116 00:48:48,959 --> 00:48:51,542 all you have to do is just go... (blows) 1117 00:48:51,625 --> 00:48:54,583 -And then... -(laughter) 1118 00:48:54,667 --> 00:48:56,291 And if you do that over a canvas, 1119 00:48:56,375 --> 00:49:00,083 -a vegan will buy it. -(laughter) 1120 00:49:00,166 --> 00:49:05,125 (laughter and applause) 1121 00:49:12,291 --> 00:49:14,834 You do one 15-minute vegan-hating routine, 1122 00:49:14,917 --> 00:49:16,667 and suddenly you're the vegan hater. 1123 00:49:16,750 --> 00:49:18,667 (laughter) 1124 00:49:19,834 --> 00:49:22,000 But it's when we get to the other forms 1125 00:49:22,083 --> 00:49:23,583 of sanitary products when I'm with Nick, 1126 00:49:23,667 --> 00:49:26,375 I just-- I don't know-- I know which types you've got, 1127 00:49:26,458 --> 00:49:28,417 I know what they look like, don't know what they do. 1128 00:49:28,500 --> 00:49:31,375 I know you've got the, uh... You've got the little fucking free-range bullets. 1129 00:49:31,458 --> 00:49:33,000 I know those ones just, uh... 1130 00:49:33,083 --> 00:49:35,208 the wee sad ones at the bottom of your handbags. 1131 00:49:35,291 --> 00:49:36,625 Those are the ones that leave-- 1132 00:49:36,709 --> 00:49:39,125 There's a-snake- in-my-boot string. I know that. 1133 00:49:39,208 --> 00:49:40,625 (laughter) 1134 00:49:40,709 --> 00:49:42,875 Uh, and then you've got the fucking-- 1135 00:49:42,959 --> 00:49:47,417 the weird fucking Apollo 13 syringe thing. 1136 00:49:47,500 --> 00:49:50,291 Like, it expands-- It's like the memory thing from Men in Black. 1137 00:49:50,375 --> 00:49:52,875 -Like, pew. I don't-- -(laughter) 1138 00:49:53,750 --> 00:49:55,667 I've got theories on how that works. 1139 00:49:55,750 --> 00:49:57,875 -(laughter) -I think it's like a-- 1140 00:49:57,959 --> 00:49:59,959 I think it's like a push in and scoosh. 1141 00:50:00,041 --> 00:50:01,875 (laughter) 1142 00:50:02,291 --> 00:50:05,041 But even if that is the case, I still got more questions. 1143 00:50:05,125 --> 00:50:06,542 (laughter) 1144 00:50:06,625 --> 00:50:09,166 -Like, does it feel good? -(laughter) 1145 00:50:09,250 --> 00:50:11,709 And women are disgusted by the concept of that question. 1146 00:50:11,792 --> 00:50:14,583 Every time I'm like, they're like,"No, no. Why would it feel good?" 1147 00:50:14,667 --> 00:50:17,583 Fine. Jesus. Okay. Here's why me, a man, 1148 00:50:17,667 --> 00:50:19,500 would assume that it might feel good 1149 00:50:19,583 --> 00:50:21,500 to shove something up your pussy. 1150 00:50:21,583 --> 00:50:23,166 -Because... -(laughter) 1151 00:50:23,250 --> 00:50:25,166 you obviously don't know what it's like to have a dick. 1152 00:50:25,250 --> 00:50:26,542 And dicks are morons. 1153 00:50:26,625 --> 00:50:28,333 Every morning I pull on my boxers, 1154 00:50:28,417 --> 00:50:31,000 and occasionally my boxers will brush the tip of my dick, 1155 00:50:31,083 --> 00:50:34,291 and my dick will be like, "It's a pussy!" and I'm like... 1156 00:50:34,375 --> 00:50:37,750 (laughter and applause) 1157 00:50:39,667 --> 00:50:41,875 (mouthing) 1158 00:50:42,917 --> 00:50:45,709 Where do you see a pussy? 1159 00:50:45,792 --> 00:50:48,917 (laughter) 1160 00:50:50,041 --> 00:50:53,375 -"I thought I felt one." -(laughter) 1161 00:50:53,458 --> 00:50:56,625 Mm-hmm. And where is it now? 1162 00:50:57,917 --> 00:51:00,959 -(grunts "I don't know") -(laughter) 1163 00:51:01,041 --> 00:51:02,542 "You must have scared it off." 1164 00:51:02,625 --> 00:51:04,834 -Oh, ho-ho-ho. -(laughter) 1165 00:51:04,917 --> 00:51:06,750 I'm gonna beat you to death. 1166 00:51:06,834 --> 00:51:09,458 (laughter and applause) 1167 00:51:10,625 --> 00:51:12,792 (cheers, whistles) 1168 00:51:16,417 --> 00:51:17,625 So... 1169 00:51:18,542 --> 00:51:20,375 So, I was like learn-- just learn how the tampons work. 1170 00:51:20,458 --> 00:51:21,750 So I was talking to my friend Jean, 1171 00:51:21,834 --> 00:51:23,417 'cause I'm not going to google that 1172 00:51:23,500 --> 00:51:25,709 'cause I don't want to be on a fucking list. 1173 00:51:25,792 --> 00:51:27,792 And I was like, Jean, how do tampons work? 1174 00:51:27,875 --> 00:51:31,583 -And she was like, "Please tell me how you think tampons work." -(laughter) 1175 00:51:31,667 --> 00:51:34,417 And then seven days later when she had stopped laughing... 1176 00:51:34,500 --> 00:51:35,750 (laughter) 1177 00:51:35,834 --> 00:51:37,792 She was like, "You're a fucking moron." 1178 00:51:37,875 --> 00:51:39,583 And I was like, well, I'm not a total moron. 1179 00:51:39,667 --> 00:51:41,583 Like, I know how the pads work. 1180 00:51:41,667 --> 00:51:43,583 Turns out I don't know how the pads work. 1181 00:51:43,667 --> 00:51:45,291 (laughter) 1182 00:51:45,375 --> 00:51:47,125 What's your name there? 1183 00:51:48,500 --> 00:51:49,792 Alex. Lovely to meet you, Alex. 1184 00:51:49,875 --> 00:51:51,083 Very simple question for you, Alex. 1185 00:51:51,166 --> 00:51:52,917 Uh, you know the sticky bits on pads? 1186 00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:55,333 What do the sticky bits stick onto? 1187 00:51:55,417 --> 00:51:57,667 On to your underwear, correct. Not what I thought. 1188 00:51:57,750 --> 00:52:00,500 (laughter) 1189 00:52:01,917 --> 00:52:04,000 (laughter) 1190 00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:08,125 -I am 28 years old... -(laughter) 1191 00:52:08,208 --> 00:52:11,792 ...and up until January this year, 1192 00:52:11,875 --> 00:52:15,083 I had always believed that whenever you got your period, 1193 00:52:15,166 --> 00:52:17,166 that you just... 1194 00:52:17,250 --> 00:52:20,875 (laughter and applause) 1195 00:52:22,542 --> 00:52:25,625 -...closed up shop. -(laughter) 1196 00:52:25,709 --> 00:52:29,625 -Like a Texas farm during a hurricane. -(laughter) 1197 00:52:29,709 --> 00:52:32,000 "Storm's a coming!" 1198 00:52:32,083 --> 00:52:34,208 (laughter) 1199 00:52:35,583 --> 00:52:38,667 "Oh, it's going to be the largest one since 1979." 1200 00:52:38,750 --> 00:52:41,709 (laughter) 1201 00:52:43,667 --> 00:52:46,125 Honestly, I just-- I honestly thought you were just like, 1202 00:52:46,208 --> 00:52:48,375 "I'm bleeding, this is a plaster, 1203 00:52:48,458 --> 00:52:50,375 -I'll deal with that..." -(laughter) 1204 00:52:50,458 --> 00:52:52,417 "...on Thursday. 1205 00:52:53,208 --> 00:52:56,041 -Pick the scabs on Monday." -(audience laughs, groans) 1206 00:52:56,125 --> 00:52:58,542 Aw, write a fucking blog about it. 1207 00:52:58,625 --> 00:53:00,917 (laughter) 1208 00:53:05,500 --> 00:53:08,041 Now, I will point out, it's not my fault I don't know that. 1209 00:53:08,125 --> 00:53:09,959 I was never taught how tampons work. 1210 00:53:10,041 --> 00:53:11,875 Not only was I never taught how tampons work, 1211 00:53:11,959 --> 00:53:15,125 I was actively excluded from the moment that young women learn about them. 1212 00:53:15,208 --> 00:53:17,000 Now, when we get sex education in Scotland, 1213 00:53:17,083 --> 00:53:19,041 we get it from about the age of ten years old. 1214 00:53:19,125 --> 00:53:21,291 And they do teach about periods and stuff, 1215 00:53:21,375 --> 00:53:23,041 but when they teach the girls about tampons, 1216 00:53:23,125 --> 00:53:24,834 they take the girls through to another room with a nurse, 1217 00:53:24,917 --> 00:53:27,959 so she can explain how the tampons work. And I get that. 1218 00:53:28,041 --> 00:53:29,500 You don't want the ten-year-old boys in that room, 1219 00:53:29,583 --> 00:53:32,166 -because they're fucked little creatures. -(laughter) 1220 00:53:32,250 --> 00:53:34,709 But I think that while they're in that room being taught tampons, 1221 00:53:34,792 --> 00:53:37,041 just also teach us the same lesson 1222 00:53:37,125 --> 00:53:39,875 -instead of fucking maths. -(laughter) 1223 00:53:39,959 --> 00:53:41,959 Because like I want-- I do-- I should know. 1224 00:53:42,041 --> 00:53:43,583 We should all know how tampons work. 1225 00:53:43,667 --> 00:53:44,875 'Cause I'm going to be a father one day, 1226 00:53:44,959 --> 00:53:46,291 and I'm going to have daughters. 1227 00:53:46,375 --> 00:53:47,709 My daughters are going to get periods. 1228 00:53:47,792 --> 00:53:49,500 I don't know when, they don't know when. 1229 00:53:49,583 --> 00:53:52,834 -That's the fun thing about periods. -(laughter) 1230 00:53:52,917 --> 00:53:55,834 But their mother might not be around for their first period. 1231 00:53:55,917 --> 00:53:57,500 She might be at work, she might be dead. 1232 00:53:57,583 --> 00:53:59,208 Who knows what the future holds? 1233 00:53:59,291 --> 00:54:01,291 Hey, itchy tits is very common. 1234 00:54:01,375 --> 00:54:03,792 (laughter) 1235 00:54:04,667 --> 00:54:07,125 I want to be able to explain to my daughters 1236 00:54:07,208 --> 00:54:08,625 how to use tampons, man. 1237 00:54:08,709 --> 00:54:10,041 I don't want to be crouched in a bathroom 1238 00:54:10,125 --> 00:54:11,792 with a 12-year-old, holding a tampon going, 1239 00:54:11,875 --> 00:54:14,000 I don't know. Take a run up? 1240 00:54:14,083 --> 00:54:16,333 (laughter) 1241 00:54:19,875 --> 00:54:21,750 And I'm not criticizing sex education. 1242 00:54:21,834 --> 00:54:25,250 I think sex education is one of the most important things in the entire world. 1243 00:54:25,333 --> 00:54:28,625 Sex doesn't need to be terrifying the first time we have it. 1244 00:54:28,709 --> 00:54:31,583 I believe the reason most of us are terrified the first time we have sex 1245 00:54:31,667 --> 00:54:33,375 is 'cause we know so little about it. 1246 00:54:33,458 --> 00:54:34,834 'Cause even when you are given sex education 1247 00:54:34,917 --> 00:54:36,583 in countries like Scotland and over here, 1248 00:54:36,667 --> 00:54:39,959 they'll teach you some bits, but not everything you need to know. 1249 00:54:40,041 --> 00:54:42,583 Like it's-- it can be terrifying and stuff. 1250 00:54:42,667 --> 00:54:45,208 Like, 'cause even with all the sex education I was given, 1251 00:54:45,291 --> 00:54:46,959 I was still fucking freaked out, man. 1252 00:54:47,041 --> 00:54:49,583 The first time I fingered a girl terrified me. 1253 00:54:49,667 --> 00:54:51,417 I was 16 years old, right? 1254 00:54:51,500 --> 00:54:53,291 And the reason it scared me is just because, like, 1255 00:54:53,375 --> 00:54:58,959 the vagina is just way, way, way, lower... 1256 00:54:59,041 --> 00:55:00,625 (laughter) 1257 00:55:00,709 --> 00:55:03,083 -than I had anticipated because... -(laughter) 1258 00:55:03,166 --> 00:55:05,250 'Cause it's, it's fucking-- it's right under there. 1259 00:55:05,333 --> 00:55:08,667 -(laughter) -Like it's-- 'cause my dick's on the front. 1260 00:55:08,750 --> 00:55:10,291 (laughter) 1261 00:55:10,375 --> 00:55:11,959 That's where my dick is. 1262 00:55:12,041 --> 00:55:13,291 So, that's where I thought the pussy was. 1263 00:55:13,375 --> 00:55:15,750 I didn't know you'd hidden the thing. 1264 00:55:15,834 --> 00:55:18,166 So, cue the most confusing seven seconds of my life, 1265 00:55:18,250 --> 00:55:20,000 where I'm like, here we go, about to become a man, 1266 00:55:20,083 --> 00:55:21,291 can't wait to tell the boys about this. 1267 00:55:21,375 --> 00:55:23,709 -Where the fuck is this thing? -(laughter) 1268 00:55:23,792 --> 00:55:26,000 Are you a Barbie? What is this?! 1269 00:55:26,083 --> 00:55:27,500 (laughter) 1270 00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:29,792 Must have been worse for her, just lying there like, 1271 00:55:29,875 --> 00:55:32,625 "Is this cunt trying to make me piss myself?" 1272 00:55:32,709 --> 00:55:34,834 (laughter) 1273 00:55:36,041 --> 00:55:38,000 Even some of the subjects they teach in sex education-- 1274 00:55:38,083 --> 00:55:40,333 They will teach you things in sex education 1275 00:55:40,417 --> 00:55:42,166 that has nothing to do with sex. 1276 00:55:42,250 --> 00:55:45,917 They will teach you things that only doctors need to know. 1277 00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:48,333 "All right, boys and girls, pay attention to this diagram, 1278 00:55:48,417 --> 00:55:51,542 "'cause this diagram is crucial to having sex. 1279 00:55:51,625 --> 00:55:54,083 "This is the labia... 1280 00:55:54,166 --> 00:55:56,166 "This is the vulva... 1281 00:55:56,250 --> 00:55:58,166 Uh, this is the vuvuzela." 1282 00:55:58,250 --> 00:56:01,041 (laughter) 1283 00:56:01,125 --> 00:56:04,250 "These are the fallopian tubes." And you're like, cool! 1284 00:56:04,333 --> 00:56:07,250 What do you want me to do with that information? 1285 00:56:07,333 --> 00:56:08,709 (laughter) 1286 00:56:08,792 --> 00:56:10,083 "These are the ovaries." 1287 00:56:10,166 --> 00:56:13,291 Listen, if I ever see the ovaries, I've fucked up. 1288 00:56:13,375 --> 00:56:16,500 -(laughter and applause) -Like... 1289 00:56:17,291 --> 00:56:21,166 -I fucked up quite substantially. -(laughter) 1290 00:56:21,250 --> 00:56:22,709 If I ever see the ovaries, 1291 00:56:22,792 --> 00:56:26,166 I can assure you, I'm not going to be like, well, those... 1292 00:56:26,250 --> 00:56:28,417 -(laughter) -...are your ovaries. 1293 00:56:28,500 --> 00:56:30,083 (laughter) 1294 00:56:30,166 --> 00:56:33,250 I'm gonna be like... (shrieks) 1295 00:56:33,333 --> 00:56:36,291 -What have I done? -(laughter) 1296 00:56:37,458 --> 00:56:40,125 Where's the clit? I'm gonna google it anyway! 1297 00:56:40,208 --> 00:56:42,458 (laughter) 1298 00:56:45,834 --> 00:56:48,625 But they don't want to teach teenagers about the clitoris, 1299 00:56:48,709 --> 00:56:50,542 and if they do, ironically, they brush over it, 1300 00:56:50,625 --> 00:56:53,917 -because... -(laughter) 1301 00:56:55,208 --> 00:56:58,792 I think they don't want teenagers to learn that sex is fun, 1302 00:56:58,875 --> 00:57:00,417 'cause the fear is that if teenagers learn 1303 00:57:00,500 --> 00:57:01,875 that sex is fun, they'll have it more. 1304 00:57:01,959 --> 00:57:03,834 Now, as with all fears, it's fucking horseshit. 1305 00:57:03,917 --> 00:57:07,041 When you don't teach teenagers enough about sex, they become curious. 1306 00:57:07,125 --> 00:57:08,792 We're naturally inquisitive creatures, 1307 00:57:08,875 --> 00:57:10,250 and they are filled with hormones. 1308 00:57:10,333 --> 00:57:11,458 So what you're actually doing 1309 00:57:11,542 --> 00:57:13,041 is you're giving them limited knowledge 1310 00:57:13,125 --> 00:57:15,750 on something that they are inevitably going to experience, 1311 00:57:15,834 --> 00:57:18,083 and that is incredibly fucking dangerous. 1312 00:57:18,166 --> 00:57:21,709 Stop teaching children that sex is for reproduction, 1313 00:57:21,792 --> 00:57:24,792 because we all know that it fucking isn't, right? 1314 00:57:24,875 --> 00:57:28,917 Reproduction is one percent of what sex is actually used for, 1315 00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:31,834 and I am rounding up heavily there. 1316 00:57:31,917 --> 00:57:33,542 (laughter) 1317 00:57:33,625 --> 00:57:35,083 Most of us have had sex. 1318 00:57:35,166 --> 00:57:37,083 Some of you will have had sex to have children. 1319 00:57:37,166 --> 00:57:38,917 Those of you that have had sex to have children, 1320 00:57:39,000 --> 00:57:40,333 I hope will be willing to admit 1321 00:57:40,417 --> 00:57:41,917 that most of the time you've ever fucked 1322 00:57:42,041 --> 00:57:45,625 -was explicitly to not have children! -(laughter) 1323 00:57:45,709 --> 00:57:47,625 Teaching kids that sex is for reproduction 1324 00:57:47,709 --> 00:57:49,792 is like teaching them that food is for sustenance. 1325 00:57:49,875 --> 00:57:52,458 Like, yeah, at a base level millions of years ago 1326 00:57:52,542 --> 00:57:54,000 when survival was our only purpose, 1327 00:57:54,083 --> 00:57:55,542 of course that's all it was there for. 1328 00:57:55,625 --> 00:57:57,625 But it's grown and evolved and changed with us. 1329 00:57:57,709 --> 00:57:59,792 And we've changed the way we speak to kids about food, 1330 00:57:59,875 --> 00:58:02,125 so why aren't we changing the way we speak to them about sex? 1331 00:58:02,208 --> 00:58:03,625 When you teach your kids how to cook, 1332 00:58:03,709 --> 00:58:05,291 you just don't teach them how to make oatmeal 1333 00:58:05,375 --> 00:58:07,959 -and only fucking oatmeal. -(laughter) 1334 00:58:08,041 --> 00:58:10,000 "All right kids, gather round, this is the one and only 1335 00:58:10,083 --> 00:58:12,458 "recipe you'll need for the rest of your lives. 1336 00:58:12,542 --> 00:58:15,625 And even then only when you're starving!" 1337 00:58:15,709 --> 00:58:17,291 (laughter) 1338 00:58:17,375 --> 00:58:19,875 "Don't google any others, you filthy little pervert. 1339 00:58:19,959 --> 00:58:21,792 -"So... -(laughter) 1340 00:58:21,875 --> 00:58:24,041 "What you do is you get the oats and you get the water." 1341 00:58:24,125 --> 00:58:26,834 "My mom makes chicken wings." "Your mother's a whore, Jason." 1342 00:58:26,917 --> 00:58:30,458 (laughter and applause) 1343 00:58:35,250 --> 00:58:36,750 Sex isn't for reproduction. 1344 00:58:36,834 --> 00:58:39,834 Sex is for love, lust, revenge. 1345 00:58:39,917 --> 00:58:42,000 (laughter) 1346 00:58:42,083 --> 00:58:43,667 Boredom, lost a bet, won a bet, 1347 00:58:43,750 --> 00:58:46,583 order a Dominos, see if you can beat it to the front door. 1348 00:58:46,667 --> 00:58:48,250 (laughter) 1349 00:58:48,333 --> 00:58:50,333 Also, I'm not suggesting you teach the science side of sex. 1350 00:58:50,417 --> 00:58:53,250 The science side of sex is absolutely fucked, right? 1351 00:58:53,333 --> 00:58:55,500 The science side of sex is-- Here's what I was told when I was young. 1352 00:58:55,583 --> 00:58:58,667 Man gets an erection, man shoves his erect penis inside of a lady's vagina, 1353 00:58:58,750 --> 00:59:00,125 at which point his penis is stimulated enough 1354 00:59:00,208 --> 00:59:02,667 that he ejaculates semen up into her vuvuzela 1355 00:59:02,750 --> 00:59:04,333 where a goblin then hoards it 1356 00:59:04,417 --> 00:59:05,834 and turns it into gingerbread men. 1357 00:59:05,917 --> 00:59:07,417 -Who gives a shit? -(laughter) 1358 00:59:07,500 --> 00:59:10,208 Only a doctor and midwife need to know about that. 1359 00:59:10,291 --> 00:59:11,875 Because when I was 12 years old, 1360 00:59:11,959 --> 00:59:15,458 all that manifested itself in my brain as was, women are vessels. 1361 00:59:15,542 --> 00:59:17,250 Because what I was told was, here's what sex is. 1362 00:59:17,333 --> 00:59:19,375 Man gets an erection, man shoves it in, 1363 00:59:19,458 --> 00:59:22,041 man comes, that's the definition of sex. 1364 00:59:22,125 --> 00:59:25,208 By the sounds of things, she's just lying there the whole time like-- 1365 00:59:25,291 --> 00:59:26,959 (laughter) 1366 00:59:27,041 --> 00:59:29,000 -"Thanks." -(laughter) 1367 00:59:29,083 --> 00:59:32,041 -"That was real nice of you to do that for me." -(laughter) 1368 00:59:32,125 --> 00:59:35,542 "I'll just go turn this into an Uber driver, shall I?" 1369 00:59:35,625 --> 00:59:37,792 (laughter) 1370 00:59:37,875 --> 00:59:40,291 I was never taught that women enjoyed sex. 1371 00:59:40,375 --> 00:59:42,375 So, the first couple of times I had sex, 1372 00:59:42,458 --> 00:59:44,208 I wasn't trying to make it enjoyable 1373 00:59:44,291 --> 00:59:45,667 for anyone other than myself. 1374 00:59:45,750 --> 00:59:48,083 Thank God for my first girlfriend! 1375 00:59:48,166 --> 00:59:50,250 First time we fucked, she was like, "I didn't come." 1376 00:59:50,333 --> 00:59:52,750 And I was like, "You fucking come?" 1377 00:59:52,834 --> 00:59:55,333 (laughter) 1378 00:59:55,417 --> 00:59:57,250 I was never taught that women enjoyed sex. 1379 00:59:57,333 --> 00:59:58,750 You never taught me that a lot of the time 1380 00:59:58,834 --> 01:00:00,250 women have a higher libido than men. 1381 01:00:00,333 --> 01:00:02,709 You never taught me that some of them like to be choked. 1382 01:00:02,792 --> 01:00:04,709 That was a weird day! 1383 01:00:04,792 --> 01:00:07,500 (laughter and applause) 1384 01:00:08,750 --> 01:00:10,750 I could have done with that information 1385 01:00:10,834 --> 01:00:13,083 a lot fucking sooner than I got it! 1386 01:00:13,166 --> 01:00:14,583 (laughter) 1387 01:00:14,667 --> 01:00:18,083 You want me to what? What? Do I like this? 1388 01:00:18,166 --> 01:00:20,500 (laughter) 1389 01:00:21,959 --> 01:00:25,959 And I'm not suggesting we get teachers to teach this type of sex education. 1390 01:00:26,041 --> 01:00:29,000 We do not pay teachers enough money to say the word orgasm 1391 01:00:29,083 --> 01:00:31,333 50 times in front of a bunch of 12-year-olds. 1392 01:00:31,417 --> 01:00:32,709 (laughter) 1393 01:00:32,792 --> 01:00:34,250 But just 'cause you can't get teachers to do it, 1394 01:00:34,333 --> 01:00:35,834 doesn't mean you can't get somebody from the outside. 1395 01:00:35,917 --> 01:00:37,917 Somebody that's going to be fun and engaging with the kids. 1396 01:00:38,000 --> 01:00:40,625 Somebody that they know is there to talk to them openly and honestly about sex. 1397 01:00:40,709 --> 01:00:42,333 Someone they're not scared to ask questions to. 1398 01:00:42,417 --> 01:00:46,375 Someone that's sort of fun, charismatic, with stage presence. 1399 01:00:46,458 --> 01:00:48,834 (laughter) 1400 01:00:49,875 --> 01:00:51,291 (laughter) 1401 01:00:51,375 --> 01:00:52,959 -I'll do it. -(laughter) 1402 01:00:53,041 --> 01:00:56,583 -I'll do it for free. I'd fucking kill for that job. -(laughter) 1403 01:00:56,667 --> 01:00:58,333 Hi, boys and girls, my name is Daniel Sloss, 1404 01:00:58,417 --> 01:01:01,542 but the girls call me Daddy. I'll get onto that in a second. 1405 01:01:01,625 --> 01:01:04,041 (laughter and applause) 1406 01:01:06,166 --> 01:01:09,458 All right, boys, first things first, the vagina way lower. 1407 01:01:09,542 --> 01:01:14,000 Way... lower than it has any right to be quite frankly. 1408 01:01:14,083 --> 01:01:15,959 Just keep going, and if you go too far, 1409 01:01:16,041 --> 01:01:18,041 trust me, she'll fucking tell you. 1410 01:01:18,125 --> 01:01:20,208 (laughter) 1411 01:01:20,291 --> 01:01:22,083 Second thing second, some of them squirt. 1412 01:01:22,166 --> 01:01:24,834 It might be piss, but none of us care at this point. 1413 01:01:24,917 --> 01:01:26,750 (laughter) 1414 01:01:28,250 --> 01:01:30,667 And you then have to get a female in to talk to the kids 1415 01:01:30,750 --> 01:01:32,333 with a female perspective on sex. 1416 01:01:32,417 --> 01:01:34,458 She can go on before me, after me, doesn't matter. 1417 01:01:34,542 --> 01:01:36,750 She'll be, "Hi, boys and girls, my name's Miss Jack. 1418 01:01:36,834 --> 01:01:39,041 "I need to talk to you about the woman's experience during sex. 1419 01:01:39,125 --> 01:01:41,792 "And to the young boys in the classroom, this can be quite nerve-wracking. 1420 01:01:41,875 --> 01:01:44,333 "You're going through puberty, your imaginations are running wild, 1421 01:01:44,417 --> 01:01:45,834 "you've got hormones running around your body. 1422 01:01:45,917 --> 01:01:47,709 "Probably sitting there quite nervous going 'Oh, God, 1423 01:01:47,792 --> 01:01:49,917 "this is going to be so nerve-wracking. What do I do, what do I do?' 1424 01:01:50,000 --> 01:01:52,083 "Well, let's get all the curiosity out the way 1425 01:01:52,166 --> 01:01:54,458 right up top, because it's all natural." 1426 01:01:55,166 --> 01:01:56,458 (laughter) 1427 01:01:56,542 --> 01:01:58,792 "There you go, that's a vagina. 1428 01:01:58,875 --> 01:02:01,291 -Look at it!" -(laughter) 1429 01:02:01,375 --> 01:02:03,375 "Now, boys pay attention, this is a real pussy. 1430 01:02:03,458 --> 01:02:04,917 "This ain't one of those porno pussies. 1431 01:02:05,000 --> 01:02:08,375 -This one's been to 'Nam, okay?" -(laughter) 1432 01:02:08,458 --> 01:02:11,166 "This is the labia, this is the vulva, 1433 01:02:11,250 --> 01:02:13,709 -this is the vuvuzela." -(laughter) 1434 01:02:13,792 --> 01:02:15,583 "This is the, um... 1435 01:02:17,041 --> 01:02:19,458 -What the fuck is that? -(laughter) 1436 01:02:19,542 --> 01:02:22,208 -"Oh, that's a tampon string, I apologize." -(laughter) 1437 01:02:22,291 --> 01:02:24,750 "Sorry. No, no, boys, it's not disgusting actually. 1438 01:02:24,834 --> 01:02:27,166 "In fact, it's perfectly natural. In fact, any volunteers? 1439 01:02:27,250 --> 01:02:29,000 -"Any? -(laughter) 1440 01:02:29,083 --> 01:02:31,041 "No? Real men do it with their teeth? 1441 01:02:31,125 --> 01:02:33,583 (audience laughs, groans) 1442 01:02:33,667 --> 01:02:35,333 "All right boys, get your notepads out. 1443 01:02:35,417 --> 01:02:37,417 "Just up here, look boys. This is where the clitoris is. 1444 01:02:37,500 --> 01:02:38,959 "It's actually surprisingly easy to find. 1445 01:02:39,041 --> 01:02:41,250 "But here's the insider tip: just because you found it, 1446 01:02:41,333 --> 01:02:43,250 doesn't mean you have to beat it to death. 1447 01:02:43,333 --> 01:02:46,917 -(laughter) -"Be gentle! It's not Osama Bin Laden. 1448 01:02:47,000 --> 01:02:49,917 "Just because you found it, doesn't mean it has to die. 1449 01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:52,291 (laughter) 1450 01:02:53,333 --> 01:02:55,083 By the way, if your girlfriend laughed at that joke, 1451 01:02:55,166 --> 01:02:57,625 you can't eat pussy for shit. 1452 01:02:57,709 --> 01:03:00,333 (laughter and applause) 1453 01:03:07,458 --> 01:03:09,917 I think sex education needs to be improved, 1454 01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:12,500 and I think it needs to be made compulsory around the world. 1455 01:03:12,583 --> 01:03:16,125 If you want proof of why sex education is needed now more than ever, 1456 01:03:16,208 --> 01:03:19,542 look at the current sexual climate that we live in. 1457 01:03:19,625 --> 01:03:23,208 Exactly. Things aren't going very well. 1458 01:03:23,291 --> 01:03:24,959 A lot of people don't seem to know the rules. 1459 01:03:25,041 --> 01:03:27,458 Or if they do know the rules, they don't seem to care. 1460 01:03:27,542 --> 01:03:31,291 It's very, very easy to not sexually assault someone. 1461 01:03:31,375 --> 01:03:33,041 Watch. 1462 01:03:33,125 --> 01:03:35,500 (laughter) 1463 01:03:35,583 --> 01:03:38,667 -Nailed it. Now... -(laughter and applause) 1464 01:03:42,291 --> 01:03:44,667 I'm very aware that my industry, the entertainment industry, 1465 01:03:44,750 --> 01:03:46,208 is a massive part of the problem. 1466 01:03:46,291 --> 01:03:47,667 It's where the MeToo movement started. 1467 01:03:47,750 --> 01:03:49,083 Now, although I don't have direct experience in it, 1468 01:03:49,166 --> 01:03:50,917 it doesn't mean I haven't heard the stories, 1469 01:03:51,000 --> 01:03:52,834 and it doesn't mean it hasn't affected people that I know and love. 1470 01:03:52,917 --> 01:03:55,959 My agent/manager, who I've been with 11 years now, 1471 01:03:56,041 --> 01:03:58,250 ten years ago she was told by somebody 1472 01:03:58,333 --> 01:04:00,667 very, very, very high up from the BBC 1473 01:04:00,750 --> 01:04:03,375 that if she wanted her TV show for one of her clients, 1474 01:04:03,458 --> 01:04:06,166 she had to suck his dick. Right? Yeah. 1475 01:04:06,250 --> 01:04:08,834 And she said no, which makes me question her commitment. 1476 01:04:08,917 --> 01:04:11,041 -But, um... -(laughter) 1477 01:04:11,125 --> 01:04:14,834 But-- but despite her selfishness, 1478 01:04:14,917 --> 01:04:18,583 -my career has flourished. -(laughter) 1479 01:04:18,667 --> 01:04:20,667 I'm assuming Netflix was anal. 1480 01:04:20,750 --> 01:04:23,500 (laughter) 1481 01:04:23,583 --> 01:04:27,250 -Mainly because I gave Netflix anal. -(laughter) 1482 01:04:27,333 --> 01:04:29,083 Look, I've made horrible jokes about it now, 1483 01:04:29,166 --> 01:04:31,208 but she didn't tell me about this when it happened. 1484 01:04:31,291 --> 01:04:34,083 She told me about this last year when I was writing this show 1485 01:04:34,166 --> 01:04:37,166 and she saw the content, or some of it, and she told me. 1486 01:04:37,250 --> 01:04:39,375 And I was like, why didn't you tell me about this when it happened? 1487 01:04:39,458 --> 01:04:41,417 And she was like, "Well, there's nothing you could have done, 1488 01:04:41,500 --> 01:04:42,917 "there's nothing you would have done. 1489 01:04:43,000 --> 01:04:45,125 And why would I tell you about one in ten experiences?" 1490 01:04:45,208 --> 01:04:47,208 And that was a moment that really fucking hit me in the chest. 1491 01:04:47,291 --> 01:04:48,583 Well, oh, Jesus Christ, I... 1492 01:04:48,667 --> 01:04:50,709 I didn't know it was that common. 1493 01:04:50,792 --> 01:04:52,917 Now, regardless of what your stance on the MeToo movement is, 1494 01:04:53,000 --> 01:04:55,125 the conclusion everyone has to have arrived at by now 1495 01:04:55,208 --> 01:04:56,834 is that this shit is horrifically common, 1496 01:04:56,917 --> 01:04:58,208 'cause that's just there in the stats. 1497 01:04:58,291 --> 01:05:00,625 Like 50 women came forward about Bill Cosby. 1498 01:05:00,709 --> 01:05:02,917 Eighty women came forward about Harvey Weinstein. 1499 01:05:03,000 --> 01:05:05,208 Yet there are still some people who will look at that and go, 1500 01:05:05,291 --> 01:05:09,083 "Well, I guess we'll never know what happened." 1501 01:05:09,166 --> 01:05:12,041 (laughter) 1502 01:05:12,125 --> 01:05:14,959 Fucking hell, I bet you were shite at Blues Clues . 1503 01:05:15,041 --> 01:05:17,458 (laughter) 1504 01:05:18,458 --> 01:05:20,875 Man, if 50 women accused me of sexual assault, 1505 01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:23,667 -I'd think I'd done it. -(laughter) 1506 01:05:23,750 --> 01:05:25,917 It's too many to not be true. 1507 01:05:26,000 --> 01:05:28,125 If 50 women are like, "You sexually assaulted us," 1508 01:05:28,208 --> 01:05:31,000 -I'd be like, fuck, did I? -(laughter) 1509 01:05:31,083 --> 01:05:32,583 I must have! 1510 01:05:32,667 --> 01:05:34,792 There's no other reason why you would all say that. 1511 01:05:34,875 --> 01:05:37,458 Unless you all had a meeting in the bathroom-- I know what's up. 1512 01:05:37,542 --> 01:05:39,417 -Like... -(laughter) 1513 01:05:39,500 --> 01:05:42,917 Certain men-- not all, not most, but definitely some men-- 1514 01:05:43,000 --> 01:05:45,250 felt attacked by the MeToo movement, 1515 01:05:45,333 --> 01:05:48,125 which is an incredibly interesting stance to take. 1516 01:05:48,208 --> 01:05:49,917 (laughter) 1517 01:05:50,000 --> 01:05:52,750 If you feel under attack by the MeToo movement, here's my question for you. 1518 01:05:52,834 --> 01:05:55,208 -What have you done? -(laughter) 1519 01:05:55,291 --> 01:05:58,041 Like, what alarm bell is going off in the back of your head? 1520 01:05:58,125 --> 01:06:01,083 'Cause I think most men had a similar reaction to the MeToo movement that I did. 1521 01:06:01,166 --> 01:06:03,166 Which is, you sat there watching Facebook, Twitter, 1522 01:06:03,250 --> 01:06:05,208 the news, wherever it is that you get your information from 1523 01:06:05,291 --> 01:06:07,083 and you're just sat there being like, oh, fucking hell. 1524 01:06:07,166 --> 01:06:09,542 Okay, I knew it was a problem, but I didn't realize it was this big. 1525 01:06:09,625 --> 01:06:11,166 Oh, my God, okay, this is everywhere. 1526 01:06:11,250 --> 01:06:13,041 Oh, my God, I didn't realize it affected that many women I know. 1527 01:06:13,125 --> 01:06:15,125 Fucking hell, I feel a bit closed-minded. Jesus Christ, I didn't-- 1528 01:06:15,208 --> 01:06:16,959 And then very secretly and very privately, 1529 01:06:17,041 --> 01:06:19,250 we all went upstairs to visit our very own Nigels 1530 01:06:19,333 --> 01:06:21,917 -to run a quick background check on ourselves. -(laughter) 1531 01:06:22,000 --> 01:06:24,959 Zero shame in double-checking. That's the first thing I did. 1532 01:06:25,041 --> 01:06:27,959 I ran straight upstairs and I was like, Nigel! 1533 01:06:28,041 --> 01:06:29,208 And he was like, "Mr. Sloss!" 1534 01:06:29,291 --> 01:06:31,458 I went, zero time for that shit, Nigel. 1535 01:06:31,542 --> 01:06:33,333 There's some very serious stuff going on outside. 1536 01:06:33,417 --> 01:06:36,458 I need you to run through every single sexual encounter I've ever had 1537 01:06:36,542 --> 01:06:38,542 and make sure it was all above board and consensual. 1538 01:06:38,625 --> 01:06:40,959 And he was like, "You know, that might take a while." And then we high-fived. 1539 01:06:41,041 --> 01:06:45,291 -And then... -(laughter and applause) 1540 01:06:46,583 --> 01:06:49,750 -And then seven days later... -(laughter) 1541 01:06:49,834 --> 01:06:51,542 He was like, "Mr. Sloss, just double-checked. 1542 01:06:51,625 --> 01:06:53,000 As we thought, you're all in the clear." 1543 01:06:53,083 --> 01:06:54,417 I was like, that's excellent news, Nigel. 1544 01:06:54,500 --> 01:06:56,041 I'm going to go assist the movement. 1545 01:06:56,125 --> 01:06:58,000 But some men went to visit their Nigels, 1546 01:06:58,083 --> 01:06:59,542 and their Nigels were like, 1547 01:06:59,625 --> 01:07:03,250 -"Burn it down!" -(laughter) 1548 01:07:03,333 --> 01:07:04,834 And these are the men that are trying 1549 01:07:04,917 --> 01:07:06,542 to change the narrative of the MeToo movement, 1550 01:07:06,625 --> 01:07:08,375 and they're doing it in a very, very intelligent way. 1551 01:07:08,458 --> 01:07:09,834 They're doing it via deflection. 1552 01:07:09,917 --> 01:07:11,333 They're bringing up things that are important 1553 01:07:11,417 --> 01:07:13,667 but not necessary to what the discussion is about. 1554 01:07:13,750 --> 01:07:15,166 They'll say things like, "What about men? 1555 01:07:15,250 --> 01:07:16,709 Men get sexually assaulted too." 1556 01:07:16,792 --> 01:07:19,125 Yes, yes they do. By men. 1557 01:07:19,750 --> 01:07:23,000 Eighty-four percent of male sexual assault survivors were sexually assaulted by men. 1558 01:07:23,083 --> 01:07:24,834 "But what about all the false allegations?" 1559 01:07:24,917 --> 01:07:27,291 Well, less than one percent of rape allegations are false. 1560 01:07:27,375 --> 01:07:30,417 "Well, it's a witch hunt! It's a bloody witch hunt!" 1561 01:07:30,500 --> 01:07:32,542 Well, it's not. 1562 01:07:32,625 --> 01:07:35,875 -Mainly 'cause witches didn't exist. -(laughter) 1563 01:07:35,959 --> 01:07:38,291 -That's why witch hunts were shitty. -(laughter) 1564 01:07:38,375 --> 01:07:41,917 Every single woman that was burned alive for being a witch was innocent, 1565 01:07:42,000 --> 01:07:44,875 because there's no such thing as fucking witches. 1566 01:07:44,959 --> 01:07:47,000 There are such things as rapists. 1567 01:07:47,083 --> 01:07:48,709 It's not like in 200 years' time, 1568 01:07:48,792 --> 01:07:51,583 we're gonna find out that rapists were also mythical creatures. 1569 01:07:51,667 --> 01:07:54,458 -(laughter) -We're not going to glorify them 1570 01:07:54,542 --> 01:07:56,166 in the same way that we've glorified witches. 1571 01:07:56,250 --> 01:07:58,375 In 50 years' time, you're not going to see a bunch of kids 1572 01:07:58,458 --> 01:08:00,875 running around on Halloween dressed as R. Kelly. 1573 01:08:00,959 --> 01:08:05,542 (laughter and applause) 1574 01:08:05,625 --> 01:08:07,667 (cheering, whistling) 1575 01:08:11,375 --> 01:08:13,917 -No. -(laughter) 1576 01:08:14,333 --> 01:08:16,083 If you've ever seen my live shows before, 1577 01:08:16,166 --> 01:08:18,750 you'll understand that they follow a very similar format every year. 1578 01:08:18,834 --> 01:08:21,291 I do about 70 to 75 minutes worth of jokes. 1579 01:08:21,375 --> 01:08:24,500 Jokes that I enjoy telling, jokes that I sincerely hope you enjoy listening to. 1580 01:08:24,583 --> 01:08:26,375 And then at the end, once I've legally fulfilled 1581 01:08:26,458 --> 01:08:27,875 my contract of being a comedian, 1582 01:08:27,959 --> 01:08:30,750 I do a sad 15 minute TED talk. 1583 01:08:30,834 --> 01:08:32,625 (laughter) 1584 01:08:32,709 --> 01:08:36,333 Now the reason I do this at the end is just because, like, my stand up, it's just-- 1585 01:08:36,417 --> 01:08:38,250 it's me talking to you about all the stuff that's on my mind, 1586 01:08:38,333 --> 01:08:39,750 and I'm a fucking silly moron. 1587 01:08:39,834 --> 01:08:41,333 But sometimes I think about serious things, 1588 01:08:41,417 --> 01:08:42,917 and it feels disingenuous 1589 01:08:43,000 --> 01:08:45,500 to not talk to you about everything that's on my mind. 1590 01:08:45,583 --> 01:08:47,250 So, normally when I talk about serious issues, 1591 01:08:47,333 --> 01:08:49,625 I'll talk about something I've got an experience in. 1592 01:08:49,709 --> 01:08:50,875 I don't think that's crucial. 1593 01:08:50,959 --> 01:08:52,375 It's just a choice I've made so far. 1594 01:08:52,458 --> 01:08:54,125 That's why in the past, I've done jokes about death, 1595 01:08:54,208 --> 01:08:56,583 because I had a sister that died when I was eight years old. 1596 01:08:56,667 --> 01:08:58,375 I've done jokes about disability. 1597 01:08:58,458 --> 01:08:59,625 She had cerebral palsy. 1598 01:08:59,709 --> 01:09:01,458 I've done jokes about having a giant dick. 1599 01:09:01,542 --> 01:09:05,041 -It's a burden I must bear. -(laughter) 1600 01:09:06,208 --> 01:09:07,417 But when it comes to sexual assault, 1601 01:09:07,500 --> 01:09:09,333 even though I've never been sexually assaulted 1602 01:09:09,417 --> 01:09:11,291 and I've never done a sexual assault, 1603 01:09:11,375 --> 01:09:14,208 to say that it doesn't affect me just isn't true, 1604 01:09:14,291 --> 01:09:15,959 because it affects people I know and love 1605 01:09:16,041 --> 01:09:17,333 and that in turn affects me. 1606 01:09:17,417 --> 01:09:19,041 Like one of my closest friends for five years, 1607 01:09:19,125 --> 01:09:20,458 she's been sexually assaulted. 1608 01:09:20,542 --> 01:09:23,500 You don't get to tell me that this isn't a me issue too. 1609 01:09:23,583 --> 01:09:25,291 A little bit of a backstory to her. 1610 01:09:25,375 --> 01:09:27,417 The reason we became friends is because she drinks more than I do, 1611 01:09:27,500 --> 01:09:28,792 she swears like a trucker, 1612 01:09:28,875 --> 01:09:31,333 and she's the only person that has ever told a joke 1613 01:09:31,417 --> 01:09:34,417 that made me go, Jesus fucking Christ! 1614 01:09:34,500 --> 01:09:36,166 (laughter) 1615 01:09:36,250 --> 01:09:39,208 And she's done that on three separate occasions. 1616 01:09:39,291 --> 01:09:42,333 -And I will tell you all three. -(laughter) 1617 01:09:42,417 --> 01:09:44,917 Me and her were having a dinner, uh, last year. 1618 01:09:45,000 --> 01:09:46,667 Just we happened to be in the same city. 1619 01:09:46,750 --> 01:09:49,667 I was gigging, she was working there, pure fucking coincidence. 1620 01:09:49,750 --> 01:09:51,208 Went out for food after the show. 1621 01:09:51,291 --> 01:09:52,500 While we were out having food, 1622 01:09:52,583 --> 01:09:54,083 second coincidence of the day happened. 1623 01:09:54,166 --> 01:09:55,709 Two of my guy friends walked by. 1624 01:09:55,792 --> 01:09:57,500 I'm like, what the fuck are you cunts doing here? 1625 01:09:57,583 --> 01:09:59,208 They're like, "We're getting shit-faced. Do you want to come?" 1626 01:09:59,291 --> 01:10:00,750 I was like, uh-huh. 1627 01:10:00,834 --> 01:10:02,333 And they were like, "Who's that?" And I introduced them. 1628 01:10:02,417 --> 01:10:04,000 And it was one of those nerve-wracking moments. 1629 01:10:04,083 --> 01:10:07,417 I don't know if you've ever had two social groups meet before, 1630 01:10:07,500 --> 01:10:09,291 but it's kind of like an Avengers movie 1631 01:10:09,375 --> 01:10:11,875 where you're like, fuck, I hope they get on. 1632 01:10:11,959 --> 01:10:14,500 And they did, and they got out, we went drinking. 1633 01:10:14,583 --> 01:10:16,041 Now, about one or two in the morning, 1634 01:10:16,125 --> 01:10:18,375 I decided to go home just 'cause I had a show the next day 1635 01:10:18,458 --> 01:10:20,000 and I don't like being hungover for shows 1636 01:10:20,083 --> 01:10:22,333 -because I'm a professional-- -(laughter) 1637 01:10:22,417 --> 01:10:25,250 -Well caught. That is the first lie of the show. -(laughter) 1638 01:10:25,333 --> 01:10:27,875 Somebody gave me a joint, and I went home for a wank. 1639 01:10:27,959 --> 01:10:29,625 -And... -(laughter) 1640 01:10:29,709 --> 01:10:33,208 -I had a great wank. Thank you for asking. -(laughter) 1641 01:10:33,291 --> 01:10:35,333 Two days later I met up with her for breakfast, 1642 01:10:35,417 --> 01:10:37,208 and I was like, so how was the rest of the night? 1643 01:10:37,291 --> 01:10:39,000 She was like, "I'm not telling you." 1644 01:10:39,083 --> 01:10:42,375 And I was like, Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho. Fuck yes! 1645 01:10:42,458 --> 01:10:43,542 (laughter) 1646 01:10:43,625 --> 01:10:45,750 It's the international sign of gossip. 1647 01:10:45,834 --> 01:10:48,333 She goes, "I'm not telling you." And I'm like, oh, you will. 1648 01:10:48,417 --> 01:10:50,500 Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me. 1649 01:10:50,583 --> 01:10:52,250 Eventually I managed to get her to crack. 1650 01:10:52,333 --> 01:10:53,709 It turns out after I'd left, 1651 01:10:53,792 --> 01:10:57,125 one of my closest friends of eight years raped her. 1652 01:10:58,667 --> 01:11:04,291 Which is not information that I wanted to receive over breakfast. 1653 01:11:04,375 --> 01:11:06,333 Uh, or at any meal. 1654 01:11:06,417 --> 01:11:07,709 It's not like I was sat there being like, 1655 01:11:07,792 --> 01:11:09,667 well, this could have waited until lunch. 1656 01:11:09,750 --> 01:11:11,083 (laughter) 1657 01:11:11,166 --> 01:11:15,083 I was horrified, I was shocked, I was angry, I believed her. 1658 01:11:15,166 --> 01:11:17,959 Uh, I asked the questions that I think you want to ask 1659 01:11:18,041 --> 01:11:19,291 when you're in that situation. 1660 01:11:19,375 --> 01:11:22,667 I was like, are you okay? and she was like, 1661 01:11:22,750 --> 01:11:24,458 -"No!" -(laughter) 1662 01:11:24,542 --> 01:11:27,333 And I was like, yeah, no, fair point, stupid question. 1663 01:11:27,417 --> 01:11:29,458 Can I have another one please? 1664 01:11:29,542 --> 01:11:31,625 And then I asked a question that I didn't want to ask. 1665 01:11:31,709 --> 01:11:35,000 Now, in hindsight I understand that I should not have asked this question, 1666 01:11:35,083 --> 01:11:37,625 but I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I didn't. 1667 01:11:37,709 --> 01:11:40,458 It was a ignorant question and it came from an ignorant man. 1668 01:11:40,542 --> 01:11:42,834 I asked the question. I said, I have to ask, 1669 01:11:42,917 --> 01:11:46,792 I've known this guy for eight years. Did you... did you say no? 1670 01:11:46,875 --> 01:11:48,667 And these are her words not mine. 1671 01:11:48,750 --> 01:11:52,709 She went, "Yeah, more times than the 2 Unlimited song." 1672 01:11:53,375 --> 01:11:55,000 To which I said... 1673 01:11:55,625 --> 01:11:59,166 -Fucking wh-- Fucking what song? -(laughter) 1674 01:11:59,250 --> 01:12:01,417 And she was like, "Oh for Christ-- You know the... 1675 01:12:01,500 --> 01:12:07,417 ♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's no limit ♪ 1676 01:12:07,500 --> 01:12:08,834 -Now... -(laughter) 1677 01:12:08,917 --> 01:12:10,583 I'm with most of you. 1678 01:12:10,667 --> 01:12:13,458 As a human being that makes me immeasurably sad, 1679 01:12:13,542 --> 01:12:16,709 -but as a comedian, muwah! -(laughter) 1680 01:12:16,792 --> 01:12:18,875 That is such a stunning joke, 1681 01:12:18,959 --> 01:12:21,041 and I can't express to you how hard I laughed 1682 01:12:21,125 --> 01:12:22,417 because it caught me off guard. 1683 01:12:22,500 --> 01:12:23,834 I'd heard the worst thing I'd heard in my life, 1684 01:12:23,917 --> 01:12:25,417 and then this joke sidelined me. 1685 01:12:25,500 --> 01:12:26,667 And I saw the look in her eyes. 1686 01:12:26,750 --> 01:12:28,458 I know that look of "just fucking say it." 1687 01:12:28,542 --> 01:12:30,250 -(laughter) -Like, it made me laugh so much. 1688 01:12:30,333 --> 01:12:33,583 'Cause I understand making jokes about a serious subject 1689 01:12:33,667 --> 01:12:36,500 does not mean that you do not take it seriously. 1690 01:12:36,583 --> 01:12:38,542 It just means that for a brief moment in time, 1691 01:12:38,625 --> 01:12:41,667 you are not allowing it to have all-consuming power over you. 1692 01:12:41,750 --> 01:12:44,166 I understand the catharsis of laughing at trauma. 1693 01:12:44,250 --> 01:12:46,583 So, if her way of dealing with a trauma at that moment in time 1694 01:12:46,667 --> 01:12:48,500 is to make jokes about it, you bet your fucking ass 1695 01:12:48,583 --> 01:12:50,166 I'm going to allow her to do that. 1696 01:12:50,250 --> 01:12:52,333 Now, allow me to try and alleviate some of the fears 1697 01:12:52,417 --> 01:12:53,583 I imagine some of you have 1698 01:12:53,667 --> 01:12:55,291 when I enter into this type of routine. 1699 01:12:55,375 --> 01:12:57,625 First things first, I've asked if I can tell her story on stage. 1700 01:12:57,709 --> 01:12:59,500 It's one of the first things I did. 1701 01:12:59,583 --> 01:13:01,959 Since she's been through this, we've been spending a lot of time together. 1702 01:13:02,041 --> 01:13:05,875 She goes to therapy now, and we do a thing that we like to call second therapy, 1703 01:13:05,959 --> 01:13:08,083 which is after first therapy, she comes to mine, 1704 01:13:08,166 --> 01:13:11,291 -and we drink 17 bottles of wine. -(laughter) 1705 01:13:11,375 --> 01:13:14,000 And we get high and we play computer games 1706 01:13:14,083 --> 01:13:15,625 and we make fun of her therapist 1707 01:13:15,709 --> 01:13:17,375 -and... -(laughter) 1708 01:13:17,458 --> 01:13:18,959 It's actually better than real therapy, 1709 01:13:19,041 --> 01:13:21,208 despite what her therapist will tell you. 1710 01:13:21,291 --> 01:13:22,709 (laughter) 1711 01:13:22,792 --> 01:13:25,250 But what the fuck does she know? 1712 01:13:25,333 --> 01:13:27,291 -(laughter) -But... 1713 01:13:27,375 --> 01:13:29,208 As a man, talking openly 1714 01:13:29,291 --> 01:13:31,500 about something I've never spoken openly about before, 1715 01:13:31,583 --> 01:13:35,291 rape, my understanding of it went through the roof. 1716 01:13:35,792 --> 01:13:37,125 And that's not a bad thing. 1717 01:13:37,208 --> 01:13:39,458 I understood when I was talking to her afterwards, 1718 01:13:39,542 --> 01:13:41,458 this makes so much more sense to me. 1719 01:13:41,542 --> 01:13:43,041 I think I should talk about this on stage, 1720 01:13:43,125 --> 01:13:45,583 but obviously I won't do it unless you want me to. 1721 01:13:45,667 --> 01:13:47,417 Can I tell your story on stage? 1722 01:13:47,500 --> 01:13:49,417 And she said, "Yes, 1723 01:13:49,500 --> 01:13:52,417 but when has my permission ever been needed for anything?" 1724 01:13:52,500 --> 01:13:55,583 (audience groans) 1725 01:13:55,667 --> 01:13:58,583 (scattered laughter, applause) 1726 01:13:58,667 --> 01:14:02,041 (audience murmuring) 1727 01:14:02,125 --> 01:14:04,625 -Well... -(laughter) 1728 01:14:04,709 --> 01:14:06,917 Except I didn't do that. I laughed at that joke for 25 minutes. 1729 01:14:07,000 --> 01:14:09,083 -(laughter) -Once I was done laughing, 1730 01:14:09,166 --> 01:14:12,875 -and once she was done doing laps of victory... -(laughter) 1731 01:14:12,959 --> 01:14:14,583 She was like, "Yes, not only can you, 1732 01:14:14,667 --> 01:14:16,917 I think that you should." So, I'm going to. 1733 01:14:17,000 --> 01:14:19,333 And this is when we arrive at this point in the show. 1734 01:14:19,417 --> 01:14:21,250 You've all paid to see a comedy show, 1735 01:14:21,333 --> 01:14:23,166 and I'm now talking about rape. 1736 01:14:23,250 --> 01:14:25,291 And some of you, rightfully, 1737 01:14:25,375 --> 01:14:27,875 do not want me to try and make that funny. 1738 01:14:27,959 --> 01:14:31,250 So here we are... uncomfortable. 1739 01:14:31,333 --> 01:14:33,959 -(laughter) -I don't know if you've seen me before, 1740 01:14:34,041 --> 01:14:36,458 but I'm quite good at dealing with uncomfortable situations. 1741 01:14:36,542 --> 01:14:39,542 -Mainly because I create them. -(laughter) 1742 01:14:39,625 --> 01:14:41,166 Gonna ask for a little bit of trust here. 1743 01:14:41,250 --> 01:14:43,291 Remember at the start of the show when I said I loved kids 1744 01:14:43,375 --> 01:14:45,125 and you thought that was going to be a pedo joke? 1745 01:14:45,208 --> 01:14:47,458 Turns out it was a nice joke about how much I loved my goddaughter. 1746 01:14:47,542 --> 01:14:49,083 Gonna ask for the same type of trust here. 1747 01:14:49,166 --> 01:14:50,959 Trust that my heart's in the right place. 1748 01:14:51,041 --> 01:14:53,875 And also, understand that for the first time ever in my fucking career 1749 01:14:53,959 --> 01:14:57,166 I do not hold a controversial opinion on a subject. 1750 01:14:57,250 --> 01:14:58,542 Not only that, it's the first time ever 1751 01:14:58,625 --> 01:15:00,125 I can confidently say, I'm telling a joke where 1752 01:15:00,208 --> 01:15:02,792 we're all on the same side. We're all on the same side. 1753 01:15:02,875 --> 01:15:05,166 We all agree that rape is the worst thing you can do. 1754 01:15:05,250 --> 01:15:06,667 It is the worst thing you can do. 1755 01:15:06,750 --> 01:15:10,000 -Murder is justifiable. -(laughter) 1756 01:15:10,083 --> 01:15:12,417 -Of course it is. -(laughter) 1757 01:15:12,500 --> 01:15:15,417 -Not legally but to us. -(laughter) 1758 01:15:15,500 --> 01:15:17,166 If I was to talk to you after this show, 1759 01:15:17,250 --> 01:15:19,375 it'd be like, "Hey, does anyone deserve to die?" 1760 01:15:19,458 --> 01:15:21,667 You'd be like, "Daniel! What a horrible thing to say! 1761 01:15:21,750 --> 01:15:24,333 Why on earth would you ever--? Yeah, who's on your list?" 1762 01:15:24,417 --> 01:15:26,166 (laughter) 1763 01:15:26,250 --> 01:15:30,250 You can under some extreme circumstances justify murder. 1764 01:15:30,333 --> 01:15:34,000 You cannot under any circumstance justify rape. 1765 01:15:34,083 --> 01:15:37,000 That's why you've never been asked the moral question in philosophy, 1766 01:15:37,083 --> 01:15:43,000 "Hey, if you could go back in time, would you rape Hitler?" 1767 01:15:43,083 --> 01:15:46,208 (laughter) 1768 01:15:48,583 --> 01:15:51,083 -N-N-No. -(laughter) 1769 01:15:51,166 --> 01:15:54,875 "No, but like when he's a baby?" That's much worse! 1770 01:15:54,959 --> 01:15:57,125 (laughter) 1771 01:16:03,959 --> 01:16:05,792 Rape is the worst thing you can do. 1772 01:16:05,875 --> 01:16:07,417 So what do you do when you find out 1773 01:16:07,500 --> 01:16:09,959 that one of your closest friends is not only capable of doing it, 1774 01:16:10,041 --> 01:16:12,375 but has done it to someone that you love dearly? 1775 01:16:12,458 --> 01:16:14,333 Um, I didn't handle it well. 1776 01:16:14,417 --> 01:16:16,208 I'm still not handling it that well to be honest with you. 1777 01:16:16,291 --> 01:16:19,375 It's a tough thing to process. it's a hard thing to come to terms with. 1778 01:16:19,458 --> 01:16:21,000 He was one of my closest friends. 1779 01:16:21,083 --> 01:16:23,125 My initial reaction wasn't a fucking strong one. 1780 01:16:23,208 --> 01:16:25,667 It was one of, you know, toxic masculinity, one of violence. 1781 01:16:25,750 --> 01:16:28,166 The caveman in my brain was like, "Shall I take over?" 1782 01:16:28,250 --> 01:16:30,291 And I was like, 100%. 1783 01:16:30,375 --> 01:16:33,000 If there was ever a time to hunter-gatherer, it's fucking now. 1784 01:16:33,083 --> 01:16:34,709 All I wanted to do was just find him 1785 01:16:34,792 --> 01:16:36,834 and just pin him down and put his head on the side of the curb 1786 01:16:36,917 --> 01:16:39,458 and just stamp on his head repeatedly until he was dead. 1787 01:16:39,542 --> 01:16:41,917 I'm like, that's the dictionary definition of justice 1788 01:16:42,000 --> 01:16:43,917 if you own a Russian dictionary. 1789 01:16:44,000 --> 01:16:46,750 -And... -(laughter) 1790 01:16:46,834 --> 01:16:49,291 I stood up and I was like, I'm going to go beat him up. 1791 01:16:49,375 --> 01:16:52,417 And she was like, "Oh, for fuck sake. 1792 01:16:52,500 --> 01:16:54,500 "No, you're not, because if you beat him up, 1793 01:16:54,583 --> 01:16:56,333 all you do is you make him the victim." 1794 01:16:56,417 --> 01:16:59,083 And I was like, I dunno what to do with all of this anger! 1795 01:16:59,166 --> 01:17:01,250 And she was like, "Now you know how I feel." 1796 01:17:01,333 --> 01:17:04,166 And I was like, whoa, I'll just get back into my place. 1797 01:17:04,250 --> 01:17:05,667 (laughter) 1798 01:17:05,750 --> 01:17:08,333 -I'll be here when you need me. -(laughter) 1799 01:17:08,417 --> 01:17:10,959 Do you know the WiFi-- doesn't matter. 1800 01:17:11,041 --> 01:17:13,083 (laughter) 1801 01:17:13,166 --> 01:17:15,583 She let me confront him, I was allowed to do that. 1802 01:17:15,667 --> 01:17:17,542 I wanted to-- It wasn't going to change my opinion of him. 1803 01:17:17,625 --> 01:17:19,458 But, yeah, I wanted to hear what he had to say for himself. 1804 01:17:19,542 --> 01:17:21,834 I wanted to hear the words of a man I thought I knew. 1805 01:17:21,917 --> 01:17:25,250 I sat him down and I stared in his eyes the entire time during the confrontation. 1806 01:17:25,333 --> 01:17:26,959 I didn't break eye contact at any point. 1807 01:17:27,041 --> 01:17:29,291 It was a lot like a game of hide-and-seek. 1808 01:17:29,375 --> 01:17:31,333 (laughter) 1809 01:17:31,417 --> 01:17:32,625 I looked dead into his eyes, 1810 01:17:32,709 --> 01:17:35,291 I accused him, and he admitted it. 1811 01:17:35,375 --> 01:17:37,917 He fucking admitted it. Oh, he made his excuses. 1812 01:17:38,000 --> 01:17:39,959 "Oh, man, it was an accident, I didn't mean to. 1813 01:17:40,041 --> 01:17:42,959 "I was drunk, it won't happen again. Just back me up this once." 1814 01:17:43,041 --> 01:17:44,875 I sort of removed myself from the situation, 1815 01:17:44,959 --> 01:17:47,875 and then I had to be the bearer of bad news to the rest of my guy friends, 1816 01:17:47,959 --> 01:17:50,125 let them know that they were friends with a fucking beast. 1817 01:17:50,208 --> 01:17:52,834 They reacted with the same level of maturity that I did. 1818 01:17:52,917 --> 01:17:55,291 They were like, "We should beat the shit out of him." 1819 01:17:55,375 --> 01:17:57,083 And I was like, we can't beat the shit out of him. 1820 01:17:57,166 --> 01:17:59,417 Apparently if we beat the shit out of him, he becomes the victim. 1821 01:17:59,500 --> 01:18:01,667 And they were like, "We don't know what to do with all this anger!" 1822 01:18:01,750 --> 01:18:04,750 -And I was like, now you know how women feel. -(laughter) 1823 01:18:04,834 --> 01:18:06,500 And they were like, "Fuck, that's deep." 1824 01:18:06,583 --> 01:18:08,709 and I was like, I know, I thought of it myself. 1825 01:18:08,792 --> 01:18:12,750 (laughter and applause) 1826 01:18:14,291 --> 01:18:17,208 I'm just so woke, ugh! 1827 01:18:17,291 --> 01:18:20,291 (laughter) 1828 01:18:24,083 --> 01:18:26,667 We sat down, we discussed it with each other. 1829 01:18:26,750 --> 01:18:28,291 It wasn't a long discussion. It was-- 1830 01:18:28,375 --> 01:18:29,959 We decided to do what we thought was right. 1831 01:18:30,041 --> 01:18:31,959 I don't know if this was right, but this is what we did. 1832 01:18:32,041 --> 01:18:34,041 We basically said to him what you've done is unforgivable 1833 01:18:34,125 --> 01:18:35,625 and we don't intend to forgive you for this. 1834 01:18:35,709 --> 01:18:37,041 Like, we don't have your back throughout this. 1835 01:18:37,125 --> 01:18:38,542 You're not our friend anymore. 1836 01:18:38,625 --> 01:18:40,834 We want to believe this isn't who you are, but clearly it is. 1837 01:18:40,917 --> 01:18:43,041 So, go away and change every single part of you 1838 01:18:43,125 --> 01:18:44,500 that ever allowed that to take place. 1839 01:18:44,583 --> 01:18:47,041 Stop drinking, stop doing drugs, go to therapy. 1840 01:18:47,125 --> 01:18:49,375 And even once you've done all those things, continue to fuck off 1841 01:18:49,458 --> 01:18:52,041 'cause we just don't want to hang out with you anymore. 1842 01:18:52,125 --> 01:18:54,417 We found out two months after that had taken place 1843 01:18:54,500 --> 01:18:58,041 that he was still drinking, still doing drugs, hadn't gone to therapy. 1844 01:18:58,125 --> 01:19:01,667 And we now know that it was not an isolated incident. 1845 01:19:02,250 --> 01:19:04,333 And he's still out there. 1846 01:19:04,417 --> 01:19:06,083 People have asked if she's going to go to the police. 1847 01:19:06,166 --> 01:19:08,375 That's her decision. I've encouraged her to go to the police. 1848 01:19:08,458 --> 01:19:10,375 The reason she's decided not to is just because 1849 01:19:10,458 --> 01:19:11,709 since this has taken place, 1850 01:19:11,792 --> 01:19:13,333 he's now accusing her of being a liar. 1851 01:19:13,417 --> 01:19:15,542 He's changed his story. He's now accusing me of being a liar. 1852 01:19:15,625 --> 01:19:18,250 And because I didn't record the conversation when he admitted it, 1853 01:19:18,333 --> 01:19:20,250 there's no hard evidence of what happened. 1854 01:19:20,333 --> 01:19:22,250 And it's one of those horrible moments when, you know, 1855 01:19:22,333 --> 01:19:24,000 the police have to scrutinize things. 1856 01:19:24,083 --> 01:19:26,166 And for her, it's just not something that she wants to go through. 1857 01:19:26,250 --> 01:19:28,041 And she was like, "Look, I don't want to go through this. 1858 01:19:28,125 --> 01:19:30,667 "It's just like-- I've got to get past this as much as I can myself. 1859 01:19:30,750 --> 01:19:32,750 "And I don't want to be seen as a victim if it goes public. 1860 01:19:32,834 --> 01:19:34,417 'Cause I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor." 1861 01:19:34,500 --> 01:19:37,083 And I was like, well that is a bit of an understatement. 1862 01:19:37,166 --> 01:19:38,792 I've been with you through most of this process. 1863 01:19:38,875 --> 01:19:40,041 You've made two of the funniest jokes 1864 01:19:40,125 --> 01:19:42,083 I've ever heard regarding the subject. 1865 01:19:42,166 --> 01:19:44,166 I have never seen strength like it. 1866 01:19:44,250 --> 01:19:46,750 You took a rape on the chin-- not my finest comment. 1867 01:19:46,834 --> 01:19:48,583 (laughter) 1868 01:19:48,667 --> 01:19:51,917 And she was like "Actually, I can't remember where he finished." 1869 01:19:52,000 --> 01:19:56,166 (audiences groaning, laughing) 1870 01:19:59,500 --> 01:20:02,709 I'm going to need you to stop doing that. 1871 01:20:02,792 --> 01:20:04,125 (laughter) 1872 01:20:04,208 --> 01:20:06,166 "That's what I said." 1873 01:20:06,250 --> 01:20:09,875 (laughter and applause) 1874 01:20:12,542 --> 01:20:15,709 She is funnier and stronger than I'll ever be. 1875 01:20:17,125 --> 01:20:18,583 She's also not wrong. 1876 01:20:19,208 --> 01:20:22,375 If every single woman who has experience of sexual assault was to go to the police, 1877 01:20:22,458 --> 01:20:23,875 there are not enough police officers or courtrooms 1878 01:20:23,959 --> 01:20:25,291 in the world to deal with the problem. 1879 01:20:25,375 --> 01:20:26,792 And that's not even taking into consideration 1880 01:20:26,875 --> 01:20:28,458 that the problem goes all the way to the very top. 1881 01:20:28,542 --> 01:20:30,458 And that's not my way of saying you shouldn't go to the police. 1882 01:20:30,542 --> 01:20:33,417 It's just my way of letting you know how big this fucking problem is. 1883 01:20:33,500 --> 01:20:37,792 Ninety-seven percent of rapists will not spend a single day in jail. 1884 01:20:37,875 --> 01:20:41,834 That is a real statistic. That is fucking abhorrent. 1885 01:20:41,917 --> 01:20:43,750 So how do we fix that? 1886 01:20:43,834 --> 01:20:46,625 How does society-- how do we fix this? How do we stop this happening? 1887 01:20:46,709 --> 01:20:48,542 It's all I've been thinking about for the past year. 1888 01:20:48,625 --> 01:20:50,166 Over and over and over again. How do you fix this? 1889 01:20:50,250 --> 01:20:52,250 How do you stop this? How do you prevent this from happening? 1890 01:20:52,333 --> 01:20:53,834 And I've got no answers, man. 1891 01:20:53,917 --> 01:20:57,542 The only thing I can think of is it has to involve us. 1892 01:20:57,625 --> 01:20:59,166 And by us, I mean men. 1893 01:20:59,250 --> 01:21:01,041 Now, to the women in the room, I know you know this. 1894 01:21:01,125 --> 01:21:02,500 None of this is new information to you. 1895 01:21:02,583 --> 01:21:04,458 You've lived your life, you've got your experiences, 1896 01:21:04,542 --> 01:21:05,792 and your voices are more important 1897 01:21:05,875 --> 01:21:07,667 and necessary in this discussion than mine. 1898 01:21:07,750 --> 01:21:09,792 That being said, I would still like to lend my voice to the discussion. 1899 01:21:09,875 --> 01:21:12,458 And to the men in the room, I want to make something crystal clear. 1900 01:21:12,542 --> 01:21:14,917 This isn't an attack. I'm not accusing you of anything. 1901 01:21:15,000 --> 01:21:17,500 And more importantly, I'm not accusing your friends of anything. 1902 01:21:17,583 --> 01:21:19,417 I'm just trying to tell you my experience, 1903 01:21:19,500 --> 01:21:21,041 and this is my experience. 1904 01:21:21,125 --> 01:21:24,709 I knew this man for eight years, and he fucking did it. 1905 01:21:24,792 --> 01:21:27,750 There are monsters amongst us, and they look like us. 1906 01:21:27,834 --> 01:21:28,959 If you are sick of the narrative 1907 01:21:29,041 --> 01:21:30,500 that's currently going on about men, 1908 01:21:30,583 --> 01:21:32,875 feel free to change it, but you have to get involved. 1909 01:21:32,959 --> 01:21:34,709 Don't make the same mistake I did for years, 1910 01:21:34,792 --> 01:21:35,917 which was just sitting back and being like, 1911 01:21:36,000 --> 01:21:37,208 well, I'm not a part of the problem, 1912 01:21:37,291 --> 01:21:38,792 therefore I must be part of the solution. 1913 01:21:38,875 --> 01:21:40,709 'Cause that's just not how this fucking shit works. 1914 01:21:40,792 --> 01:21:43,041 I believe and deep down I know that most men are good. 1915 01:21:43,125 --> 01:21:44,500 Of course we are. 1916 01:21:44,583 --> 01:21:46,917 But when one in ten men are shit and the other nine do nothing, 1917 01:21:47,000 --> 01:21:48,875 they might as well not fucking be there. 1918 01:21:48,959 --> 01:21:52,041 Being good on the inside counts for absolutely fuck all. 1919 01:21:52,125 --> 01:21:54,208 You have to actively be good and get involved. 1920 01:21:54,291 --> 01:21:56,041 Instead of having this fucking hero complex 1921 01:21:56,125 --> 01:21:57,667 of being like, "I'm going to beat up a rapist," 1922 01:21:57,750 --> 01:22:00,625 fucking prevent one, stop one, because I know it can be done 1923 01:22:00,709 --> 01:22:02,792 because I know how I fucking failed at it. 1924 01:22:02,875 --> 01:22:06,500 Because if I'm being 100% honest with myself, 1925 01:22:06,583 --> 01:22:08,792 were there signs in my friend's behavior 1926 01:22:08,875 --> 01:22:11,875 over the years towards women that I ignored? 1927 01:22:11,959 --> 01:22:13,625 The answer is yes. 1928 01:22:13,709 --> 01:22:15,583 And then he raped my friend, 1929 01:22:15,667 --> 01:22:17,959 and that's on me until the day I die. 1930 01:22:18,041 --> 01:22:19,959 Talk to your fucking boys. Get involved. 1931 01:22:20,041 --> 01:22:21,417 'Cause I'm going to be honest with you lads, 1932 01:22:21,500 --> 01:22:23,917 women are trying their hardest to not get raped. 1933 01:22:24,000 --> 01:22:26,917 Like, every day, they try to not get raped. 1934 01:22:27,000 --> 01:22:28,709 I think it's their priority. 1935 01:22:28,792 --> 01:22:31,709 -Mine's is WiFi. -(laughter) 1936 01:22:31,792 --> 01:22:34,917 I can't do much. I just won't do nothing anymore. 1937 01:22:35,000 --> 01:22:37,000 And I'm just suggesting that you do the same. 1938 01:22:37,083 --> 01:22:39,250 Now, my friend, she's been helping me write this end bit, 1939 01:22:39,333 --> 01:22:40,625 'cause it's a very sensitive subject 1940 01:22:40,709 --> 01:22:42,125 and I want to try and do it justice. 1941 01:22:42,208 --> 01:22:44,291 And after the first preview, I was very, very nervous. 1942 01:22:44,375 --> 01:22:46,417 And I ran up to her and I was like, what do you think? 1943 01:22:46,500 --> 01:22:48,250 Do you think I'm making it too much about me? 1944 01:22:48,333 --> 01:22:50,625 And she was like "Yeah, every second of every day." 1945 01:22:50,709 --> 01:22:52,000 (laughter) 1946 01:22:52,083 --> 01:22:54,709 "That's what you're doing right now, you fucking moron." 1947 01:22:54,792 --> 01:22:57,250 -And I was like-- -(laughter) 1948 01:22:57,333 --> 01:23:00,291 -It means I love you. -(laughter) 1949 01:23:00,375 --> 01:23:02,542 She was like, "That's the only way you can do it. 1950 01:23:02,625 --> 01:23:03,917 "Only talk about it from your perspective. 1951 01:23:04,000 --> 01:23:05,500 'Cause men will listen to you." And they will. 1952 01:23:05,583 --> 01:23:07,959 -Because I look like them. -(laughter) 1953 01:23:08,041 --> 01:23:09,250 And that's not fair, but it's true. 1954 01:23:09,333 --> 01:23:10,875 So, maybe we can use it to our advantage. 1955 01:23:10,959 --> 01:23:12,917 There's a very famous experiment several years ago. 1956 01:23:13,000 --> 01:23:15,667 Scientists worked out that if you take a frog and you put it into boiling water, 1957 01:23:15,750 --> 01:23:17,083 the frog will jump out immediately 1958 01:23:17,166 --> 01:23:18,792 'cause it knows it's about to die. 1959 01:23:18,875 --> 01:23:20,000 Whereas if you take the same frog 1960 01:23:20,083 --> 01:23:21,542 and you put it into cold water, 1961 01:23:21,625 --> 01:23:23,291 if you slowly heat the water up, 1962 01:23:23,375 --> 01:23:24,875 the frog is unable to tell the difference 1963 01:23:25,000 --> 01:23:27,959 in the change in temperature and it slowly boils to death. 1964 01:23:28,041 --> 01:23:30,000 I'll be the water. 1965 01:23:30,083 --> 01:23:33,291 Ladies, you're boiling as you have every single right to be at this point in time. 1966 01:23:33,375 --> 01:23:35,500 So, what I'll do is I'll put on a little comedy show 1967 01:23:35,583 --> 01:23:37,709 and I'll spend the first 75 minutes starting off very cold, 1968 01:23:37,792 --> 01:23:40,834 getting the men on side with jokes that I know they'll agree with. 1969 01:23:40,917 --> 01:23:42,458 I'll say things like, all right boys, 1970 01:23:42,542 --> 01:23:44,291 do you like kids and you're not a pedophile? 1971 01:23:44,375 --> 01:23:47,333 -And they'll be like, "I do like kids and I'm not a pedophile." -(laughter) 1972 01:23:47,417 --> 01:23:49,750 -"That's very well observed." -(laughter) 1973 01:23:49,834 --> 01:23:51,333 "Interesting. 1974 01:23:51,417 --> 01:23:54,959 I want to listen to more of what my twin brother has to say." 1975 01:23:55,041 --> 01:23:57,125 I'm like, all right, boys, do you like drinking? 1976 01:23:57,208 --> 01:23:59,250 They're like, "Fucking hell, I'm a complex individual, 1977 01:23:59,333 --> 01:24:02,333 -but that's two for two. He's absolutely nailed me." -(laughter) 1978 01:24:02,417 --> 01:24:03,709 "This is unbelievable. 1979 01:24:03,792 --> 01:24:05,792 Is he a psychic or a comedian, what is this show?" 1980 01:24:05,875 --> 01:24:07,625 Come on! (laughs gruffly) 1981 01:24:07,709 --> 01:24:08,959 "There's no way he'll get the third thing. 1982 01:24:09,041 --> 01:24:10,291 The third thing would be impossible." 1983 01:24:10,375 --> 01:24:13,041 Pussies are confusing. "Fuck me dead." 1984 01:24:13,125 --> 01:24:15,041 (laughter) 1985 01:24:15,125 --> 01:24:17,709 "Never has a man seen into my soul so much." 1986 01:24:17,792 --> 01:24:21,041 And then I'll slowly turn the temperature up. 1987 01:24:21,625 --> 01:24:24,208 Now, don't worry, I will leave on an actual joke, 1988 01:24:24,291 --> 01:24:26,208 so we don't all leave here sad. 1989 01:24:26,291 --> 01:24:27,875 But before I go, just to the men in the room, 1990 01:24:27,959 --> 01:24:29,125 I want to make something crystal clear. 1991 01:24:29,208 --> 01:24:31,542 This is not meant to be a fucking lecture 1992 01:24:31,625 --> 01:24:34,125 or someone on their high horse telling you something. 1993 01:24:34,208 --> 01:24:35,834 It's a man who fell off his fucking horse. 1994 01:24:35,917 --> 01:24:38,125 It's a man who fucking failed, and these are just the things 1995 01:24:38,208 --> 01:24:40,041 I wished I'd known a couple of years ago. 1996 01:24:40,125 --> 01:24:43,208 If you think this does not affect the women in your life, 1997 01:24:43,291 --> 01:24:44,625 talk to them after this show 1998 01:24:44,709 --> 01:24:47,291 and watch your world crumble before your very eyes. 1999 01:24:47,375 --> 01:24:50,250 If you think this does not affect the women in your life, 2000 01:24:50,333 --> 01:24:52,083 it's not because it's not happening to them. 2001 01:24:52,166 --> 01:24:54,000 It's because they don't trust you enough 2002 01:24:54,083 --> 01:24:55,417 to talk to you about it. 2003 01:24:55,500 --> 01:24:56,917 And that's the single worst thing 2004 01:24:57,000 --> 01:24:58,750 I ever learned about myself. 2005 01:24:58,834 --> 01:25:00,250 Now, one of the main reasons 2006 01:25:00,333 --> 01:25:01,750 I still want to change sex education 2007 01:25:01,834 --> 01:25:03,417 is 'cause I'm still very traumatized by mine. 2008 01:25:03,500 --> 01:25:05,125 Because when we were ten years old, 2009 01:25:05,208 --> 01:25:06,834 we were given the birthing video. 2010 01:25:06,917 --> 01:25:08,709 -Now... -(groans) 2011 01:25:08,792 --> 01:25:11,250 -Oh, you've seen it? -(laughter) 2012 01:25:11,333 --> 01:25:13,959 -Maybe you were in it. -(laughter) 2013 01:25:14,041 --> 01:25:15,875 Now, I actually I have no problem with teenagers 2014 01:25:15,959 --> 01:25:18,500 being shown the birthing video, but not when I was ten. 2015 01:25:18,583 --> 01:25:22,083 -I was scared of the dark, never mind vagina. -(laughter) 2016 01:25:22,166 --> 01:25:25,917 The first pussy I ever saw looked like the door from The Shining . 2017 01:25:26,000 --> 01:25:28,625 (laughter) 2018 01:25:31,083 --> 01:25:33,750 And our head teacher, right? She gave our teacher, like, 2019 01:25:33,834 --> 01:25:35,667 the full video to take home the night before 2020 01:25:35,750 --> 01:25:37,125 just so she could watch it herself, 2021 01:25:37,208 --> 01:25:39,375 just so she didn't freak out in front of us. 2022 01:25:39,458 --> 01:25:41,375 Which does make sense, but it meant the next day 2023 01:25:41,458 --> 01:25:43,125 our teacher came into school visibly drunk, 2024 01:25:43,208 --> 01:25:47,250 -as she has every right to be. -(laughter) 2025 01:25:47,333 --> 01:25:48,875 She gathers us all round the telly. 2026 01:25:48,959 --> 01:25:51,125 She's like, "Come on, you fucking, yeah." 2027 01:25:51,208 --> 01:25:52,667 (laughter) 2028 01:25:52,750 --> 01:25:55,041 She gets the VHS, sticks it in the video player, 2029 01:25:55,125 --> 01:25:56,834 presses play, very quickly realizes 2030 01:25:56,917 --> 01:25:59,291 that it's still at the end from the previous night, 2031 01:25:59,375 --> 01:26:01,792 and then pressed rewind. 2032 01:26:01,875 --> 01:26:04,750 (laughter) 2033 01:26:04,834 --> 01:26:08,625 -Some of you clearly remember how VHS works. -(laughter) 2034 01:26:08,709 --> 01:26:10,291 It's not like Netflix or DVDs. 2035 01:26:10,375 --> 01:26:12,458 It doesn't go straight back to the start, does it? 2036 01:26:12,542 --> 01:26:14,000 -Fuck! -(laughter) 2037 01:26:14,083 --> 01:26:17,625 So imagine, to the horror of 20 ten-year-olds 2038 01:26:17,709 --> 01:26:20,166 when you were learning about the miracle of life, 2039 01:26:20,250 --> 01:26:21,917 how you were brought into this world. 2040 01:26:22,000 --> 01:26:24,000 And it opens up with a beautiful image 2041 01:26:24,083 --> 01:26:27,000 -of this mother cradling her newborn baby. -(laughter) 2042 01:26:27,083 --> 01:26:29,375 Staring into its deep blue eyes, 2043 01:26:29,458 --> 01:26:31,667 sharing a loving gaze with her husband 2044 01:26:31,750 --> 01:26:35,667 who's just standing there in awe of the miracle of life. 2045 01:26:35,750 --> 01:26:39,083 And then this fucking doctor just-- 2046 01:26:41,500 --> 01:26:45,083 (laughter) 2047 01:26:45,166 --> 01:26:49,125 -Moonwalks in, confiscates the baby. -(laughter) 2048 01:26:49,917 --> 01:26:52,583 Pries it from its mother's loving embrace, 2049 01:26:52,667 --> 01:26:54,709 shows it to the father one last time, 2050 01:26:54,792 --> 01:26:58,417 -as in "Say Goodbye!" And then... -(laughter) 2051 01:26:59,417 --> 01:27:04,333 (laughter and applause) 2052 01:27:09,792 --> 01:27:12,417 (laughter) 2053 01:27:14,709 --> 01:27:17,583 Still a better hiding place than anything Ava's ever found though, 2054 01:27:17,667 --> 01:27:19,500 -so I guess... -(laughter) 2055 01:27:19,583 --> 01:27:21,291 Sydney, you've been a pleasure. I've been Daniel Sloss. 2056 01:27:21,375 --> 01:27:23,208 Thank you very much, good night. 2057 01:27:23,291 --> 01:27:29,458 (cheering and applauding) 2058 01:27:29,542 --> 01:27:32,959 (whistling, cheering) 2059 01:27:44,000 --> 01:27:46,208 (cheers and applause continuing) 2060 01:27:50,333 --> 01:27:53,333 (cheers and applause grow louder) 2061 01:28:05,166 --> 01:28:07,375 (cheers and applause fading) 2062 01:28:09,834 --> 01:28:12,000 (audience murmuring) 162344

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