All language subtitles for The.Devil.and.Holy.Water.1983.ITALIAN.1080p.WEBRip.x264-VXT

Father Morelli.

I remind you
that you are no longer an army official.

You're right, Excellency,
but these are difficult things to forget.

I took my vows late.

When I was injured in a mountain crevasse,

Saint Bernard appeared to me
and saved my life.

It wasn't Saint Bernard,
but a Saint Bernard,

one of those dogs

used for rescuing
victims of mountain accidents.

I've never seen a dog with a beard.

And Saint Bernard didn't have
a barrel around his neck.

Father Morelli,
you are too naive, too gullible.

Even two years ago, when you called
saying Saint Augustine was crying.

A misunderstanding.
It wasn't Saint Augustine,

but Luigi Sant'Agostino,
a town hall employee.

When he lost at the Lottery,
every Saturday, he beat his wife.

- His wife protested once and so…
- Alright.

I had you called
because of your behavior this morning.

You climbed on the top of the Colosseum,
risking your life.

I climbed the Cervino with three nails

and an extra one in my pocket
that I never used.

I don't need your praise.

My praise is worth nothing.

You did a very bad thing.

I wonder what would've happened
if you'd both fallen

while you were trying to grab him
and pull him down.

You're right, but that poor man,

who was so important
in the soccer world…

- Really?
- He was a big soccer player.

Everyone adored him in Rome
because he was a big goal scorer.

I can't remember the last count of goals
because…

If he was looking for death,
he'd have found it.

I saved his life.

In this case,
I'd have climbed in his place and said:

"The lost lamb stayed down. I went up."

He'd have said:
"Take the road of the chosen."

With your thoughtless gesture,
you seriously damaged the Church

which will be accused
of doing electoral publicity.

What did you have to do with it?

Public forces were there,
including the municipal police,

that would have saved that man.

- It's instinct.
- Instinct!

Father Morelli,
go back to your parish.

In future, be less of a hero.

Of course!

You see? I don't do it on purpose.

I can't help it.

Take off these handcuffs.

- There is no legal offense.
- You'll tell that to the chief.

It was Marangoni.
Remember how he played?

- Everyone remembers him.
- And now he's like this.

Since his fibula broke,
he never recovered.

- He'd play better than many others.
- Sure.

The priest saved me.
I wanted to kill myself.

Marangoni, this morning,
you blocked traffic.

A revolution!
Journalists and photographers everywhere!

A woman reporter from Il Messaggero

went up the firemen's ladder
to convince you.

And I was convinced.

- By the girl?
- No, by the priest.

What thighs!

- The priest?
- No, the girl.

I wanted to jump and I threw a rock.

- At the girl?
- No, at the fireman.

Then he began speaking about the soul,
and convinced me.

- The fireman?
- No, the priest.

He said that he'll take care
of the store's license.

- The fireman?
- No, the priest!

Marangoni, the license of the store

for which you climbed
on the Colosseum four times,

saying that you'd jump
if they didn't give it to you,

was granted to you four times,
and you always sold it.

I didn't sell it. It was stolen from me.

You should be ashamed.

Why? I want to work!

- Take him over there.
- There is no legal reason for this.

- It's not an offense.
- It's not?

Suicide is an offence like homicide.

You arrest the assassin
before he kills someone?

- No, after.
- Let me kill, and then arrest me!

Take him away!

- I want an attorney!
- This time the attorney will get you out.

But sooner or later,
I'll put you in jail for life!

And no priest can save you!

Father Gaetano, we received
3,500 liras and a token.

With so little money,
it's not worth celebrating mass.

Listen, Elpidio…

Church is not a movie theater,
and the Holy Mass is not a film.

But on Sundays,
the church is almost empty.

There is only one reason.

People don't come here
because it isn't appealing.

The call is missing.
We need a nice name…

Yes. "Sunday Holy Mass!

With the special participation
of Marlon Brando."

I'm going home to get ready

because I've a game with Monte Sannio
today. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Dear Father Gaetano!

Friends, your national hero.

- The great mountain climber!
- All the press talked about him.

They published your photo
with the soccer player who wanted to jump.

Father Gaetano,
when one talks about friendship…

When you were up there with that man
and everyone was looking at you,

you could have shouted,
"Drink Fiore Milk!"

- It would've been great publicity for me.
- You could have a way of doing publicity.

- Which is?
- By sponsoring the town team.

Don't talk to me about sponsoring a team.

Shoes, shorts,
t-shirt and a bus is enough.

Today we're playing against Monte Sannio
and the boys will get there already tired.

I know. I'm sorry, but I won't sponsor

a team of lousy players
like the Castelfranco Tiberino one.

- That is not the problem.
- What is?

The really lousy one
is, above all, the coach.

Thanks, Father Gaetano.

- We were talking about you.
- I heard.

For what I earn in coaching this team…

Yes, but Torti is the municipal secretary.

- He's not a professional.
- We realized that.

Let's forget it.
Father, I'll be at the bus stop. Goodbye.

- Enjoy your meal!
- Goodbye!

- Goodbye, marshal.
- Bye. See you.

- Bye.
- Goodbye.

Father Gaetano, it's one o'clock.
Can I boil the pasta?

No, it's late.
I'll eat a sandwich along the way.

Too bad! I made the sauce
that you like so much.

Margherita, we'll have lunch together.

You and I, by ourselves.

I care for you, I love you.

- I want to marry you.
- Don't talk like that!

- Why not?
- My heart is taken.

- Taken?
- Yes.

But your love is impossible.
I am a reality.

Margherita, don't run!

Go on!

Go home and cry.
You're the disgrace of the team.

It's not the goal-keeper's fault.

- Monte Sannio is tough.
- They scored five times.

They call him "shutter".
Have them call you "colander"! Go!

Something smells nice. It's good.

- Spaghetti.
- Good.

I made it with much affection.

I would almost say with love.

- Margherita…
- Yes?

You must be crazy. What does this mean?

"Margherita to Gaetano."

Enough. You're going beyond the limit.

And stop with the notes
you leave around the house.

I know that your feeling

is pure, platonic, contemplative.

But I am a priest.
You can't treat me like an ordinary man.

Not an ordinary man, the man of my dreams.

Lord, I thank you
for the food you give us.

- Amen.
- Yes, amen.

- Father Gaetano, I came just in time.
- Marangoni!

- How's it going?
- What are you doing here?

I was evicted.
I don't have a job and don't have money.

- What do you want?
- What do I want?

I'd like a Rolls-Royce,

a building,

Milly Carlucci

and that plate of spaghetti.
I'm starving to death.

Delicious!

Here I am.

Excuse me.

I was forgetting… I've a taxi outside.

Taxi? How much can it be?

When I arrived, the meter
said 50,000 liras. I don't know now.

But if you don't go, every minute
that goes by, the meter…

Couldn't you come with the bus?

I came with a lady
and couldn't catch a bus.

Who are you with? There is also a…

I'm asking. Is there…

- Yes.
- All right.

Excuse me. There's a lady.

Good, but too little.

- How much is it?
- 90,000.

- He said 50,000.
- Who will pay the return ride?

Yes, right.

I'll give you the change.

Oh, no!

Thank you.

- May I come in?
- Please.

You are…

Patience!

May I? I'll lead the way.

Come in.

He is that saintly man who saved me.

- She is Silvana.
- My pleasure, Mrs. Marangoni.

My name isn't Marangoni.
We aren't married.

May I know your intentions?

All good intentions.

Shall we call the Carabiniere marshal?

Forget it.

If it hadn't been for you,
I'd be carefree in the other world.

You came and put me up shit creek again.

Watch your language.

But that is the truth.

I wanted to kill myself,
so now you must take care of me.

Alright?

We won't bother you.

Where two can eat, four can.

What's the second course?

A steak for Father Gaetano
and an egg for me. But…

Make me an egg
and the steak as a side dish.

- What should I do?
- He told you.

An egg with steak as a side dish.

Rare, please.

- You put up with him like this?
- What can I do?

Evidently the good Lord
is testing my faith.

For sleeping, we'll make do somehow.

- How many rooms do you have?
- Two. Mine and Margherita's.

Perfect! Silvana and I will
use Margherita's room.

Marangoni, even a poor priest like me
has a limit.

So don't make me pass that limit!

I said we're using Margherita's room,
but without her.

Not in Margherita's room with Margherita.

We like to have sex, but not orgies.

No, you're adulterers.

You want to live as adulterers here,
in the house of the Lord.

And it's not right.
You'll use the storage room.

But there are coffins dead there.
I'm afraid.

The dead will be even more scared!

People who are alive should scare you,
not the dead.

- I hope it's only for a few days.
- And the two of us?

The lady will use Margherita's room.

There's a sofa in my room,
and you'll sleep there.

- Alright. Where is the bathroom?
- It's there, on the right.

- Hey! What is your name?
- Margherita.

- Yes, Margherita. Is there a shower?
- Yes.

- Go take a shower.
- I'll go prepare the sofa.

Yes, go.

Go prepare the sofa.

- May I simply call you "Gaetano"?
- Yes, do that.

Listen.

What happened is partly your fault too.

Do you admit that?

- Let's drink a glass of wine.
- I have no wine. I don't drink.

- Let's smoke a cigarette.
- I don't smoke.

Not even that…

- Let's play a game of cards.
- I don't play.

You live a lousy life too.

You don't drink, smoke or gamble.
You surely don't screw.

CONQUERING A HEART

Can you believe it?

Hey, hotsie!

It's hot here and it's cold over there.

Is your heater on?

Hey, pretty!

- All naked.
- Leave me alone.

Is your heater on. Is it?

I feel like an idiot

who thought
she was dating the great Roma player.

What? Isn't that true?

Remember what happened on the field
when I arrived?

You should be happy that you're in bed

with a man who was
more important than the Pope.

- Yes, alright.
- Come on!

Will we just be content with memories?

I thought I would live
in great luxury hotels.

Instead, I'm in
a priest's servant's little bedroom.

- Have faith, dearie.
- Yes, but don't call me dearie.

- You're right, chick.
- Don't call me chick, either.

Then fuck off, bitch! Are you nervous?

Is it my fault if we're up shit creek?

That son of a bitch who broke my fibula
is to blame.

It's not my fault, either.

If a deal goes well tomorrow,
things will change.

I know your deals very well.

- Now go over there. It's late.
- I want to make love.

- You are crazy.
- Naughty girl!

- Let me go!
- Naughty girl!

- Come on top of me.
- No, go away.

- Come on top of me!
- I can't do it.

The priest would be upset.

- Then I'll come on top.
- Let me go!

Lord, thank you for this day.

Lord, please say it's not true.

Even if it's highly improbable.

Where's my cassock?

What happened to my cassock?

- There he is.
- Good morning.

- Could I have an eggnog?
- I'll give you an eggnog!

You don't have to make it.
What's her name will.

Don't be silly, you dirty scum.

Get out of this house immediately!

I had nothing to do with it.
I didn't want to.

I saved your life.
You should be ashamed of yourself!

You disgraced my home.
Get out of here, darn you!

Where is my cassock? Darn you!

These hoodlums disgraced my house!

Darned sinners!

Sinners! Scum!

Sodom and Gomorrah! Here.

Father Gaetano, what are you wearing?

What am I wearing?

Sacrilege!

A priest that goes around
dressed as a geisha!

Don't look at me with that face.
I look like a geisha!

LAZIO REGION
SEWER SERVICE

It was a job you were meant to do.

I am a mutilated civilian.

I've 88.5% invalidity.

- Excuse me.
- Who is it?

I'd like to get a baptism certificate.

- Give him the baptism certificate.
- Yes.

Invalid…

They are born as invalids.

They are invalids and…

There is the great woman poet here
who writes.

Margherita.

"I dreamed of you for three nights."

"I wet the pillow with my tears."

A humid poem!

"For my passion that is ardent and mute,

my dear, I love you
and will love you all my… lufe."

I never would've expected such a thing.
"Lufe!"

Why are you laughing?

It's poetic license.

It stands for "life." "Lufe" even…

What's his name…?

He had an animal's name.
Leopard… The one who's a bit…

"Silvia, do you remember…"

- Give him the certificate.
- Here it is.

Here it is. Father Gaetano, listen to me.

If you intervene, I'll marry her
and you'll get rid of this nuisance.

And you'll keep her all your "lufe?"

TRATTORIA
TERRACE ON THE LAKE

Excuse me. Who are you?

You see over there?
Lazio Region, sewer service.

- Excuse me!
- What are you doing?

Checking the direction of the wind.

The direction of the wind?
What are you up to?

If you want to see what a jackass you are,
you should come here.

But I've no time to show you.
I must work. Go away.

At least tell me what you're doing.

I must see the direction of the wind.

The sewer should come through here.

Sewers bring mice, dead cats

and shit that stinks.

So I must do things so the shit smell
does not to reach the homes.

- Therefore, this way.
- But it will reach my restaurant.

But it's only twice a day.

Once at 12:30 in the day

and the other around 7:30 p.m.

That's during mealtimes!

- What do you care?
- What are you saying?

I protest.
I have contacts at the Ministry.

Do what the hell you want, but move.
I have to work.

Can't you move the sewer two kilometers?

A little farther down
or a little farther up?

Yes.

Anything can be done in life.

- Anything can be done in life.
- How much would it take?

The Pope does this and I do this.

300,000.

- Get out!
- So three million.

Yes, cash. Alright?

- Alright. Come.
- Listen.

Tonight, make sure
to be in front of your TV.

- Why?
- You can't see it from the back.

What this woman does is amazing.

Margherita, where are you?

Saint Rita, if you could only see
what Margherita is doing!

- Margherita, where are you?
- Here I am! What is it?

- What is this?
- It's a poem.

- I see.
- My heart dictated it to me.

Do you realize I find notes
at home, in church, in the sacristy.

In the Saint Cirillo prayer book!

What does this mean?

- "I dreamed of you on three nights."
- Yes.

"And I wet the pillow with tears."

As of tomorrow,
you won't wet pillows anymore.

And don't dream of me again.
Avoid heavy meals for dinner.

Eliminate blue cheese.

And go away.
Go with God and don't sin anymore.

My gosh!

That woman will be my ruin.

But couldn't you…

Couldn't you close the door?

Excuse me. I'm not used to it.

I realized that.

Great!

I was humiliated, mortified
for a small, innocent poem.

And you were there with a nude woman.

I didn't know she was taking a shower.

I went in to wash my tits
and saw her with those hands….

No. I mean went in to wash…

When I went in…
Before entering, I was outside.

And in entering, I saw… Don't cry!

Don't cry or you'll become ugly.

No. It's better if you cry.

- Good morning.
- Fill it up.

- Polish the tires and treat it well.
- Don't worry.

- See how lovely it is?
- It's beautiful.

You're Marangoni, the soccer player
who's staying with the priest.

- Former soccer player.
- I'm Elena, the mayor's wife.

- My pleasure.
- I am your fan.

I was also a bit in love with you.

Those were the days, madam!

At that time, if I looked at a woman,
I got her pregnant.

If I looked at her twice,
she'd have twins.

You'd never have looked at me. I'm so fat!

You aren't fat. You're just not thin.

- Shall we sit down?
- Of course.

I went on many diets and sacrificed a lot.

Sacrificing is useless.

There is a Doctor Darbisci
in Argentina now

who invented pills that are a real bomb.

Take Doctor Darbisci's pills
and lose all the weight you want.

That is the slogan.

- What are you saying?
- Really!

He found a new chemical substance
that acts on the hormone.

It's scientific. Darbisci is no jackass!

How can I get them?

It's not easy.

But… we can go to the post office.

I've a dear friend in Buenos Aires.

I'll send him a telegram with a check
and he'll mail them.

- But they are expensive.
- How much do they cost?

That's the problem. They're expensive.

They are expensive.

- Ten dollars.
- It's not much.

Ten dollars each!

In every box there are 150.

With one and a half million,
you'll be thin as a rail.

It doesn't matter.

I did so many diets.
They were all based on fruit.

Grapefruit, prunes, bananas,
apples, pears… All of them!

- You didn't do the banana one right.
- No! Twelve bananas a day.

Not that banana.
Or you'd have skinny legs by now!

You are very funny!

- Let's go to the post office.
- Yes, let's go.

- Please!
- That's it.

I want to say
that my industry has started working well.

- That land is indispensable for me.
- It's not for sale.

We agree,
but the problem is something else.

Mayor!

Come, because the dilemma
is a deceiving one.

I'm the one being deceived!

THE PASTOR

What rude people! Rude and vicious.

Only heaven knows
what they have against me.

- What…
- Father Gaetano!

She keeps putting makeup on,
but it's not carnival!

Darn them!

I did so much for this town.
I gave you everything!

Electricity, water, gas, a cemetery.

You were all dying in jail!

My God! What did this poor priest do?

I'll tell you.

You helped a scoundrel
who flirts with other men's wives.

Calm down. You are too jealous.
What did he do?

He had my wife get in his car
and he took her away. Who knows where!

- He's never had a car!
- What?

There's the scoundrel! Coward!

Here he is! That hoodlum! He's here.

Where did you take my wife?
I saw you from the window.

- You're jealous of that barrel?
- What?

"Barrel" in the good sense.
In the sense of "barrel of fat!"

But I'll have her lose weight.

That's why you took her
in the car with you?

Yes. I accompanied her to the post office

and I sent a telegram to my friend
to send some pills.

- What pills?
- This is the receipt.

The pills to lose weight.

You see, mayor?
Jealousy is a terrible advisor.

- Bruno has nothing to do with it.
- I didn't know. I'm very sorry.

- Goodbye, and excuse me again.
- Forget it.

Goodbye.

It's a lovely car.

How did you get it?
You didn't have any money.

I closed a good deal.

- Benvenuti!
- Good morning, Father.

Why don't you train with the others?

Today the coach
has a Town Council meeting.

Listen, Bruno.

Would you like to be the team's coach?

I'd very much like to make the C Series.
Maybe you will achieve that.

You could be coach and player.

What do you care
about Castelfranco Tiberino?

For me,
it's like Juventus and Ajax put together.

When there's the game, I forget to eat.

And God forgive me,
I forget to read the prayer book.

So why don't you train my team?

You were a great champion.

I won't have anything
to do with soccer again.

If a good deal goes through,

I will leave and find a country

where they don't even know
if a ball is round or square.

You must not be afraid.
It's not dangerous.

- What if they catch us?
- We'll freeze to death.

- Don't always joke.
- Silvana, listen.

You must just buy a pair of earrings.
I'll take care of the rest.

- I think I'll get these.
- A very good choice.

They look very good on you.

May I?

Yes, you're right. How much do they cost?

Only 200,000 liras.

- I'll put them in a box…
- No, thanks. I'll wear them right away.

JEWELRY STORE

- Good morning.
- What did Miss Marchetti get?

- Who?
- What did that woman just get?

A pair of earrings.

Maybe she bought those.
But what did she steal?

Steal?

That woman is ill. She's a kleptomaniac.

She is sick.

She is the daughter

of Mr. Marchetti, an important man.

Aristotele Marchetti Ceramics.
You know him?

But aren't you…

I was.

Now I am the lady's watchman
and I check on her.

If she steals something, I pay for it.

In fact, I was looking,
and I'm missing a ring.

It's not very valuable, but…

She grabs everything.

Even something silly,
but she has to steal.

That's how kleptomaniacs are.

How much is it?

150,000 liras. I cut the price down
because this is a special case.

Here you go. Don't worry about it.

What's 150,000 liras to Mr. Marchetti?

He produces toilet seats, important items.
Did you see the advertisement?

A toilet seat that flies!
You need a helicopter to shit.

- That's a good one!
- Yes.

That's a good one!

If Marchetti's daughter returns
and you see her grabbing something,

don't interrupt her
because she could get confused.

When she goes out, I'll come and pay.

- Goodbye and thank you.
- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.
- Bye!

Anyway, the girl didn't steal anything.

Be quiet and do the cleaning.
Mind your own business.

Alright, but I can still hear.

- Mary.
- My name is Margherita.

We've been eating peppers for four days.

- But they're stuffed today.
- With what?

- Peppers.
- Why don't you…?

- Stop!
- Don't you dare!

- Melody.
- Margherita.

In English, it's daisy.
"Loves me, loves me not."

I'll pick all the petals!

Stop! You can't.

- What do you want?
- The lady is in the other room.

You can't enter.
It's what Father Gaetano said.

Fornicating is forbidden.

I don't "fornicate." I screw.

Stop!

Again?

I'll leave the door open,
so you can see we're not fornicating.

I'll pick all the petals.

- Hi, Silvana.
- Hi.

- What are you reading?
- A very interesting story.

The Gospel According to Matthew.

They arrested the main character
and I want to see how it ends.

Listen…

Tomorrow you'll go to the jeweler's
and steal a necklace worth a million.

Then come out and I'll take care of it.

A million? Where will you get that amount?

These are Doctor Darvisci's pills.

The mayor's wife is paying for them.

You make them with wax?
They could be bad for her.

Bees made wax.
At the most her exhaust pipe will clog.

Elena, it's useless to go around Italy
on a bike to lose weight

when you eat pastries and sweets.

Doctor Darvisci's pills are arriving
and I can eat everything.

Marangoni called to say
he was bringing them.

Get the check ready. A million and a half.

Yes, dear.

Now I'll do the Tre Valli Varesine race.

- Who is it?
- Marangoni.

Come.

Guess what I have here!

- Did you bring the pills?
- Right.

From Argentina. Here.

The label and instructions are missing.

Exportation of medicines
is forbidden in Argentina.

Doctor Darvisci's pills!

With his pills,
even if you eat, you lose weight.

Then I can eat all I want.

With those pills, in just…

a month and a half, you'll lose 25 kilos.

I've already paid out
a million and a half.

Oh, no!

I had to pay in cash.

No, but… Peppino!

Yes, I prepared it.

Here it is.

Thanks. Remember,

with the Darvisci pills,
you'll piss all that lard.

- Good morning.
- Miss Marchetti, how are you?

- How can I help you?
- I'd like to see a necklace.

Right away.

There are many different kinds.

From 100,000 liras
to a million and a half.

We have the latest arrivals.

Look. We have many necklaces.

Look. Here.

- I'll try to please you.
- Lovely!

Take your time looking.
Would you please…

- Where does this go?
- Listen!

- Yes?
- They are all lovely.

But I don't like any 100%.

I'd like to think about it.
I'll come back tomorrow.

As you wish.

- Goodbye.
- Thank you very much.

Goodbye, Miss Marchetti.

Something that was worth 200,000 liras
you had him pay 600,000.

You're a big mouth.
Mind your own business.

Now you're even being vulgar.

I think that your father,
God bless his soul,

would have sponsored the team
with Latte Fiore.

Yes. If he would tell me
to sponsor these lousy players,

I'd do so right away.
My father was never wrong.

Good for you, Shutter!

They've reached the goal posts.

- The centerfield doesn't filter.
- Filter?

They're not doing well on the side lines.
The forwards are way behind.

Game change!

The coach doesn't know jack shit!

Go sell drinks!

Bruno, please. There are ladies here.

It doesn't matter.
We all know he has a colorful language.

Benvenutti!

See what happens
when a coach is an expert?

Why don't you play and coach the team?

I will have nothing to do with soccer
anymore. It's over!

You're not grateful
to who saved your life!

You really think I would have jumped?

Is there Latte Fiore
written on my forehead?

Did you call me?

Speak when it's your turn.

I know who you are.

When it's convenient, you say,
"I wouldn't have jumped."

When it's not convenient, you say,
"You saved me and must support me."

You're right. So I'll leave.

Bruno, Father Gaetano's proposal
is interesting.

I won't have
anything to do with soccer anymore.

I am unlucky, and if I start again…

The ball is round.
It'll roll here and there, and up my ass.

- Good morning.
- It's always a pleasure to see you.

- How can I help you?
- Tomorrow is my mother's birthday.

I'd like to give her something nice.

But I haven't decided yet.
What do you suggest?

I have some very interesting new arrivals.

I'll show you some rings
that recently arrived.

They are very refined. Look, miss.

- Lovely!
- Yes.

Really lovely! The prices?

As they say,
"à tout seigneur tout honneur."

They go from a million and a half
to ten million

for this magnificent
emerald ring with diamonds.

- Look at how magnificent it is.
- It's beautiful.

Take your time choosing.

Take your time choosing.

Listen…

Listen!

They're lovely,
but perhaps a bit expensive for me.

I'll come back tomorrow. Alright?

A half-hour!
I haven't seen anyone in a half-hour.

They swindled me.
I have to call the police!

- You're not saying anything?
- I am a big-mouthed imbecile.

And I mind my own business.

- Did you get the biggest one?
- Of course.

It is worth ten million.

I regret it a bit
because we shouldn't do these things.

What do you care? Everyone steals here.

- But they know how.
- Well, what about us?

He surely has the police behind our backs.

No, we stuck it up his behind.

Sweetheart!

We'll be at the airport in an hour,
and in two, we'll be in the air.

Did you forget something?

- What is it?
- My passport!

- I left it in the table drawer.
- It's fine there.

- But I have my postal card.
- Put it up your ass and it won't hurt.

- You never forgot anything?
- To strangle you!

- Look…
- You slammed on those brakes!

Hurry up.

- We'll get the suitcases too.
- No, just get the passport.

- She worries about the suitcases.
- It's gone!

- What?
- The table.

- Who took it?
- It was here this morning.

- You left it there?
- Sure.

POLICE

I'm going alone. I'll leave you in Rome
with a guy who makes fake IDs.

The police. Come!

- Nobody is here.
- They must be here. That's the car.

- Nobody is answering.
- Knock down the door!

Calm down. We can't do it.

This is the priest's home.
It could be Vatican territory.

- What happened?
- Do you live here?

I'm the priest's domestic help.

He's not here now.
He is saying mass in church.

- Do you know who owns the car?
- What did they do?

- Do they live here?
- Yes.

He wanted to kill himself
and Father Gaetano saved him. So…

- So open the door.
- It's open.

It's open!

Upstairs there are the bedroom
and the sacristy door.

You search the bedrooms
and I'll search the sacristy.

Yes, sir!

Watch out.

- What is it?
- Good morning, Father.

I am officer Andronico.

We're looking
for Bruno Marangoni and his girlfriend,

accused of a theft
at Bernocchi's jewelry store.

- You look for them here?
- The jeweler turned to us.

With some phone calls
to colleagues in the area,

I located, through their unmistakable car,
where they were coming from.

- What theft are they accused of?
- It seems that Marangoni…

Just a moment. It could be a clue.

"I love you, pious Tano.

A passionate love sensation
confuses my heart.

You, at the altar, like a monument

with slow gestures
and lovely, profound eyes."

- What does all this mean?
- Private correspondence.

- It's none of your business.
- Private?

- Yes.
- Let's go.

Officer, as you saw, nobody is in church.

Only the saints,
who are appalled at what is going on.

If they show up, I will advise you.

Alright. With that promise,

I will be going. Come on.

You're not looking for them?
They're surely here.

I'll make out a report to your superiors!

Calm down.

You must find them
and retrieve the loot.

We'll do everything that we can.
We can't spend the day with the priest.

- Coming with us?
- No. I won't move from here.

This is their car,
and this is where they'll return.

I'll take care of it.

He had a criminal's face.

Where can they be hiding?
Their stuff and suitcases are here.

Their car is here.

Maybe…

Maybe…

No. I will go see.

- How long must we stay here?
- The police are still there.

Pray.

Stop being buffoons!

Return what you stole immediately.

Forgive us. I didn't want to. I swear!
I'll return it immediately.

Returning the loot is admission of guilt.

The jeweler is outside.
I'll report you and send you to jail.

I want the 150,000 he swiped
the first time, when she hadn't stolen.

Here.

This is the ring, so the matter is closed.

We are even. Alright?

I'll go back to the marshal
and report you too.

A priest hiding fugitives.

Do what you want

but you'll have to justify
the 150,000 liras

for a jewel that was never stolen.

Do you understand?

I made breakfast for you.

Coffee, milk and cookies.

Cookies…

- Why are they heart shaped?
- It's a kind and sweet thought.

- I made them with my own hands.
- I can imagine.

Why do they all come to me?

Why is the Lord testing my faith
so insistently?

Why did I go by that fatal place where…

- I was living so well!
- We were living so well!

I had a peaceful life.

Our life was so peaceful.

I lived in love and in complete faith.

We lived in the most complete love.

Hi, Gaetano.

- Hi, Miriam.
- My name is Margherita.

I'll pick your petals.

Father Gaetano, I need some money
for us to leave.

No. You're staying here
to pay for your mischief.

- I'll go buy peppers.
- Then I must go.

You'll stay and will coach the team,
the only honest work you can do.

I don't even have the energy
to go on the field.

Bruno, I understand.

You were hurt, physically and morally.

As has happened to each of us.

I remember the day
you tried to commit suicide

and I saved your life.

But now you must start over again!

Marangoni, get out. We are tired of you!

Bruno, I want to help you.

I want to reach out to you.

I want to give you a hand.

If you don't accept,
I'll report you to the police.

Great speech, Father Gaetano!

You made me cry!

Cry, Bruno.

Tears are the lubricant
of the soul's engine.

Father Gaetano, goodbye. I'm going.

There's the mass for Mr. Fiore's father.
Where are you going?

Today is my day off.

- I am busy and have to go.
- Go on.

- I'll help you say mass.
- Mass?

- I'll help you.
- Oh, Bruno!

My old priest's soul is happy. Eat, son.

- It's incredible, Marangoni.
- Speak softly.

It's incredible that with our own ears,
we can hear Dad's voice.

- We don't hear it with our ears.
- Oh, no?

The device receives it.
I've done it other times.

I read somewhere
about recording the voice of the dead.

- It's what we are doing.
- Yes.

- Tell me where your father walked.
- Here, in this area.

We'll stop here, quiet.

- Is it Dad?
- No. Someone's taking a shit.

- Then we'd better move.
- Yes.

There.

Let's rewind it a bit.

Stop

and play.

- Did Dad talk?
- Wait.

- But…
- No. It's that fart we heard.

Ilario…

Ilario, my son.

- "Ilario, my son."
- It's Dad. I recognize him!

- Be quiet and listen.
- Do as I say.

Yes, I'll do as you say.

For our… for your company,

Latte Fiore…

- The Latte Fiore company.
- Publicity is needed.

"Publicity is needed."

Sponsor it!

- Eleven men…
- You understand?

- Eleven jerseys.
- "Eleven men, eleven jerseys."

Bearded champion.

- "Bearded champion."
- He was very clear.

But what does it mean?

- How many men does a soccer team have?
- Eleven.

He said eleven men.

- Eleven jerseys?
- What do the eleven men of the team wear?

- Jerseys!
- Right.

It's true, the jerseys…
But the bearded champion?

Bearded champion…

Beard… And I'm a champion.
I am the bearded champion.

It's true.

He explained everything. What should I do?

He says the bearded champion
must take care of it.

- And you must sponsor it.
- Yes, I'll sponsor it.

Then you must give me 20 million

and I'll take care of buying the van,
the gym suits, the shoes…

I'll give you all you want.
I'll do what Dad says.

Come tomorrow when the banks open.
I'll see you outside.

- Is eight o'clock alright?
- At eight, I'll go inside and give you…

May I take the recorder?

Yes, but the good soul's fart isn't nice.

It must be cancelled. No one must hear it.

BANK OF THE HOLY SPIRIT

Why so early?

He said to be outside
when the bank opened.

When they give us the money,
we'll pretend to buy the stuff and…

Airport!

Bruno, look.

The strike was confirmed today too.
I'm sorry.

- Didn't the strike end Thursday?
- Darn it!

- It was to start again Monday.
- What can I do?

- It should be open today.
- They took a long holiday.

- Would you like something, sir?
- Some cash.

But I see the strike is still on.

Come. There are no strikes
for clients like you.

- I've an appointment with…
- Please.

Come here.

We can't go on like this.
This is not good.

We used to play man on man,
but now we play zone.

- And now you're playing badly.
- What should we do?

The adversary must not have time to think.

You're a fruit vendor?
Bring a kilo of hot peppers tomorrow.

- Because it is good luck.
- I'll stick them up your asses!

Come on, let's go!

Loafer. Are you still in bed?
Here's a nice coffee.

Why are you bringing me coffee?

It's Sunday, ten o'clock,

and this afternoon
we're playing against Sansepolcro.

We must win at all costs.

There's a nice surprise for you.

Come, Bruno. Look.

Look at what a nice surprise.

You wanted to surprise me,
and I surprised you.

Mr. Fiore gave me 20 million
and I bought everything.

The jerseys and what was needed
for the players, and the van.

Bruno, the ways of the Lord are infinite.

A ball is round.
It rolls here and there…

Let's go.

GENERAL RANKING

GENERAL RANKING

GENERAL RANKING

- Who is it?
- It's me. Open, my love.

My love, you're ready!
Come on. I want you…

- Wait.
- What is it?

Someone wants to talk to you.

- He says he's your friend.
- He wants to talk to me?

- Yes.
- Who is it? Let's go.

You're here!

Elpidio, walk normally.
Don't limp anymore!

He came a half hour ago
and insisted he came in.

He said he was your friend
and had to talk to you urgently.

- I'm not your friend?
- Yes.

How did you find out about…

You don't need Marconi
to understand certain things.

A car accident two days
before going to your military service.

You have an uncle
who is a nurse at the radiology ward.

You didn't do your military service,
and get a pension. You're shrewd.

What's the name of this big slut?

Cinzia Salvadori, to serve you.

- Make a nice coffee.
- I already made it.

I am not hurting anyone.
It's a small trick to live.

My uncle, my mother's brother,

had the x-ray of a friend
who had broken his leg.

How did you find out I was here?

I followed you. You ran as fast as Mennea!

You want to report me?

No. I will be your protecting saint.

I'll have you earn a lot of money
and you can marry Margherita.

Who is Margherita?

She's…

If you were to marry someone,
you must marry me.

Did you get her pregnant?

No. On the Lungotevere I met…
What is her name?

What's that got to do with it?
After I met you I changed my life.

He is my man and no one is to touch him.

You won't hurt him, will you?

No. He'll be very helpful to me.

The agreement was very clear.

Marangoni was to give me
the second instalment for the car.

- Can't you wait for him to come?
- No. The agreement was clear.

What manners!

A miracle! The Virgin Mary appeared!

A miracle at the old mill!
The Virgin Mary!

A miracle! She appeared at the old mill!

A miracle!

A miracle!

- What miracle?
- A miracle!

A miracle!

A miracle!

Gaetano, come here! A miracle!

Come, Gaetano!

Come look. The Virgin Mary appeared.
Show him.

- Thank you, Father Gaetano.
- Show him. Look!

- You walk well!
- Tell him about it.

Yes. I came here to pick mushrooms

and my leg hurt more than usual.

Suddenly the Blessed Virgin
appeared to me in the cave, saying,

"Drink this water and your leg will return
as it was before the accident."

I drank it, and here I am.

Stop! Stop! We must wait!

We have to fence it in!

We must pray!

Dear brothers,

after many years, this is the first Sunday

that I see our church

so full of people.

I even got nervous
in commenting on the gospel

because I am used to speaking in front
of four or five people at the most.

So I ask myself

what the reason is for this?
What caused it?

The miracle by the old mill?

The apparition of the Blessed Virgin?

I am not capable
of talking about miracles.

But one thing is sure. In this church,

miraculous things have happened.
That is why I ask you

to pray together.

"I believe in God the Almighty,
creator of heaven and earth…"

Come closer, folks!
Don't crowd in, one at a time!

If you want to touch the miracle man,
put your offerings here.

But don't crowd in. Take it easy.

Here is Elpidio. Remember how he walked?

Remember? He dragged his leg
that was like a meatball.

He drank the holy water and here he is!

Show them!

- Get up, Elpidio!
- Yes.

Dance, Elpidio.

You see? Dance!

- How much is it?
- 500 liras.

Three are 1,000 liras. You want three?

Or this 2,000-lira one?
Family size. It's convenient.

Get your supplies, friends,
because prices could rise.

Don't crowd in!

- You can't stay here.
- I've a license.

- There aren't licenses here.
- Really?

- If you want to stay here, give me 30%.
- OK, alright.

- Good. So…
- Yes.

- As an advance, make me a pork sandwich.
- OK. Right away.

Don't crowd in! Have your refreshments.

Don't drink the water on an empty stomach.

Thank you, madam. Did you get your water?

Go on.

Did you get it?
You have a bottle? It's not enough…

- Armando, get the movie-camera.
- What do you want to do?

We're from Tele Provincia.
We'd like to do some TV coverage.

- It's at least 100,000 liras a minute.
- You're a bit expensive, but…

I'll give you the first minute for free,
but pay in advance.

- I'll give you an advance, OK?
- Alright.

Let's go over there and shoot.

Listen, sir!

Don't crowd in!

- Come. Excuse me.
- Yes.

I've a problem. I have hemorrhoids.
How many bottles should I get?

- Just one.
- Thanks.

- You have to drink it.
- Yes, of course.

Excellency.

- Good morning, Father Morelli.
- Why this unexpected… visit?

- May we enter?
- Yes, Excellency.

Excellency!

We were about to have coffee.

- Will you honor us with coffee together?
- Thank you, gladly.

You can imagine
the reason for this unplanned visit.

Yes. I think
it's because of the miracle…

Miracle, or apparition, which we can say

is not really so… bright.

Perhaps you know
I was not present when it took place…

Alright. Tell me exactly what happened.

Yes, Excellency.
I took the liberty of taking some notes.

With names, apparition times,

for you to get a precise idea.

"I saw you today
running with your waving cassock

that made you look
like a big spring swallow."

- What is this stuff?
- What disgusting coffee!

- No, this!
- The swallow…

The swallow of Saint Benedict…

"The swallow under the roof…"

It's an essay
that Saint Benedict's son did…

It's by a farmer on Saint Benedict
and I corrected it.

- I'd like us to be alone.
- Yes, I'm going.

- Go on.
- I'm going.

- Father Morelli.
- Yes, sir!

- At ease.
- Thank you.

What are you making me say?

Will you stop
with these military expressions?

You're right, Excellency.

When someone…

They come out.

- This thing began…
- What thing?

- This thing.
- That one?

Did it begin ten days ago?

About ten days ago, almost…
More or less.

- Why didn't you tell me right away?
- Why didn't I tell you?

- Because… I didn't believe.
- What?

Not that I don't believe.
I didn't want to believe!

I didn't have that belief, which now I…

What didn't you believe, Father Moreli?

You waited for me to find out watching TV.

In the papers!

Where is this Elpidio Esposito?
I'd like to talk to him right away.

- Yes, but he's not here. He's there.
- Where?

On the site of the misdeed.
Of the miracle.

- What is he doing there?
- Nothing. He's just there.

- But the people are touching him.
- Touching him?

It's not that they touch him…
They're touching him…

People who believe…

Bruno Marangoni organized everything.

I see. It's a real gang.

Let's go. Come with me.

See how the team's doing? If we win today,
we'll make it to the C series.

Let's drink the miraculous water.
Maybe it will help us.

Cheers!

- Elpidio, the bishop is here!
- Yes.

This is the place of the apparition.

If you want to call it that. Let's see.

Here he is. He is Bruno Marangoni.

Thank you for coming, Excellency.

Thank you for coming, Excellency.
Thank you.

Long live the Pope!

Long live the Pope!

- Where is that man?
- It's here.

Elpidio…

- His Excellency the bishop is here.
- I got miraculously healed.

His leg was like wood.

- Show the bishop how you jump.
- Yes, I'll jump right away.

Now walk.

- He's walking now. See?
- Holy Mary, forgive me!

I swear I will marry the miracle man
and be faithful.

What miracle man? What lame man?

It's not true!

Be quiet! What are you making up?

I know him well. He's Elpidio, my lover.
He's always walked well!

- Well?
- This slut is talking bullshit!

What are you saying?

I don't know you.

Liar!

Bruno, this time
you went beyond any limit.

I ask myself… how can you take
the image of the Virgin Mary

and use it like this

to make fools of these poor farmers
who don't understand anything?

It was surely useful
because the church was full today.

Yes. The church is full,
but by what means?

A swindle, a fake miracle!

And to think,
without knowing it, I was involved.

I knew that you'd be the ruin of my life.
You'll make me die sooner or later.

Yes. But I had the team
almost get in the C Series.

I must say, for what you did for my team

I could embrace you despite everything.

If the police come,
I won't be able to go on the field.

Let's wait.

Monsignor Aldobrandi is here.
He's talking to Rome.

Let's hope.
The ways of the Lord are infinite.

But the ball is round.

Go tell the marshal
that I called the person he knows in Rome.

- Yes, Excellency.
- Hurry.

Excellency, may I ask you
if there is any news?

I managed to avoid
immediate arrest of this gentleman

strictly to avoid dragging
in a scandal Father Morelli

and the good name
of the Curie and the Church.

There won't be a report if the money,

that was obtained by deceiving people,

be given for good deeds.

Excellency, the money is in my hands.

Tomorrow morning, I will deposit it
to the Pro Caritate in Rome.

Gaetano, don't exaggerate. I have 15%.

You have no right, you miserable imposter.

- Miserable imposter to who?
- To you!

Don't get angry.

You have only one duty, that of leaving.
Don't come around again.

Help!

Help! There's a mouse!

I'll chase the mouse out.
We're not wanted anymore.

Eminence, it's a house full of mice.

It would be wise to have him stay.

He's the team coach and we're playing
for the championship today.

I'll give you the championship!

You have connections in Rome? No…

Excuse me, it's a sin.

We are leaving.

You can check the bags

to make sure I didn't swipe anything.

Here they are.

Here they are! If you want to check…

You're still here?

- Let's go.
- Yes, let's go.

But I want to tell you something.

As soon as I'll be
out of the priest's home,

as soon as I leave,
you'll know who Bruno Marangoni is.

Praised be Jesus Christ.

Father Gaetano,
don't get me into trouble again.

You look for troubles.

- You're right, Excellency.
- Why aren't you more careful?

All we needed
was the old mill miracle now.

Yes, but the holy water incident…

Holy water? What does that mean?

The water of the Virgin Mary.

I mean, when the townspeople
put their hands on certain things…

it's hard to pull them out.

The damage that man has done
is hard to estimate.

You said it.

When I think he had the nerve to tell me

that when I put my nose outside the door,
I'd know who he was.

How dare he?

- He took it!
- Your nose?

- No, he swiped my car!
- In fact. I wanted to say…

Why would he want a nose?

Look for Radio Provincia
that transmits the Castelfranco game.

Sansepolcro ties with Manziana…

Bruno, where are we going now?

- We could…
- Let me hear the game.

- What do you care about the game?
- I worked hard! Let me hear it!

It's amazing
how the local team has no strategy…

- We have left now.
- We are losing.

They almost made it. Only by winning
this game can Castelfranco…

Damn them!

We are midway through the first half.
Baronti, coach and player…

- Baronti is there too.
- He dodges an adversary.

- You remember him…
- I remember. Darn him!

That son of a bitch!

Baronti… goal!

Damn!

- Got that? Baronti!
- Who is this Baronti?

He's the jerk who broke my fibula,
damn him!

He's 200 years old and still busting
my balls. I'll take care of him!

Come forward!

Come on! On the sides!

Father Gaetano, don't get so upset.

What? We're at the end of the first half
and losing 2 to 0!

Come on, Cabrini!

He isn't Cabrini,
but a goat with two horns like this!

Don't moo, please. It's really impolite!

Stop, Bruno. It's full of chickens!

Stop!

I can't stop!

I have to go!

I want to play.

Not like that, Father Gaetano!
You'll get a stroke!

It's worse like this!

What is going on?

- It's Marangoni! It's Bruno!
- Why did he come?

I hope he came to do what I think.

He's getting undressed!
Then he's going in!

- He's playing?
- Yes, and if he plays…

And if something gives us a hand, right?

Marangoni!

- You came to save your home country?
- No, to bust your ass.

Try it.

Bravo!

At least we saved our honor.

Good!

Eight minutes left
and the score is 3 to 2.

Eight minutes left.

Bruno, I absolve you
from your past, present and future sins.

One minute left.

Just one minute!

- Marangoni!
- We won the championship!

Praised be our Bruno who scored!

- You whistled? Two minutes left!
- Keep calm.

- Why did you whistle?
- The game is over.

- You can't see.
- The game is over.

- Baronti, are you sure?
- Of course.

Then make sure to fuck off!