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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,660 --> 00:00:08,246
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,247 --> 00:00:11,666
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,667 --> 00:00:14,627
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,628 --> 00:00:18,089
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,090 --> 00:00:21,676
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,677 --> 00:00:23,177
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,178 --> 00:00:24,762
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:35,456 --> 00:00:37,833
Hey, you guys ever check Zillow?
11
00:00:37,834 --> 00:00:39,334
Joe, why don't you shut the...
12
00:00:39,335 --> 00:00:42,003
Tell me more
about this silly word.
13
00:00:42,004 --> 00:00:43,880
It's this website, Zillow.com.
14
00:00:43,881 --> 00:00:46,133
You plug in your address,
and it gives you an estimate
15
00:00:46,134 --> 00:00:47,384
of what your house is worth.
16
00:00:47,385 --> 00:00:48,969
But they call it a Zestimate,
17
00:00:48,970 --> 00:00:50,595
because of the "Z" in "Zillow."
18
00:00:52,140 --> 00:00:53,849
How do they...
19
00:00:53,850 --> 00:00:56,810
I just don't have
that creative bone.
20
00:00:56,811 --> 00:00:59,187
Wow, my house is way up
from when I bought it.
21
00:00:59,188 --> 00:01:01,231
- Mine's up, too.
- What the hell?
22
00:01:01,232 --> 00:01:04,025
Mine's way below
what you guys's are worth.
23
00:01:04,026 --> 00:01:05,986
Wait, this-this can't be right.
24
00:01:05,987 --> 00:01:08,989
It says... it says
my house is a murder house.
25
00:01:08,990 --> 00:01:11,533
What, like-like someone
was killed there?
26
00:01:11,534 --> 00:01:13,869
Yeah, it says...
it says, in the '60s,
27
00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:16,872
some woman named Doris
Billingsly died in my house.
28
00:01:16,873 --> 00:01:18,248
Probably some naggy bitch,
right?
29
00:01:18,249 --> 00:01:19,833
- Joseph!
- You know, they say
30
00:01:19,834 --> 00:01:22,043
when someone dies violently
like that,
31
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- their spirit can linger.
- What do you mean?
32
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I'm saying you might have
a g-g-g-g-g...
33
00:01:27,091 --> 00:01:29,468
disembodied spirit
in your house!
34
00:01:29,469 --> 00:01:30,969
Wow, this is so cool.
35
00:01:30,970 --> 00:01:33,305
Have you ever witnessed
anything strange there?
36
00:01:33,306 --> 00:01:35,600
Actually,
now that you mention it...
37
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Good news!
38
00:01:37,518 --> 00:01:39,312
The biopsy was negative.
39
00:01:40,354 --> 00:01:42,356
Did you hear something?
40
00:01:45,318 --> 00:01:47,320
♪ ♪
41
00:01:53,367 --> 00:01:55,076
Hi, Chris.
42
00:01:55,077 --> 00:01:56,995
Oh, hey, Kristen.
What's up?
43
00:01:56,996 --> 00:01:58,914
Not much.
I wanted to know
44
00:01:58,915 --> 00:02:00,749
if you're gonna go
to the dance on Friday.
45
00:02:00,750 --> 00:02:02,584
Nah, probably not.
46
00:02:02,585 --> 00:02:04,085
Oh, that's too bad.
47
00:02:04,086 --> 00:02:07,339
I was thinking maybe
you and I could go together.
48
00:02:07,340 --> 00:02:09,841
Oh, that's sweet,
but, like I said,
49
00:02:09,842 --> 00:02:12,219
I-I don't think I'm gonna go.
50
00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:13,887
Well, if you change your mind...
51
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I said no!
52
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Okay. Geez.
53
00:02:16,516 --> 00:02:17,849
Bye, Chris.
54
00:02:17,850 --> 00:02:20,852
Uh, Chris,
that very attractive girl
55
00:02:20,853 --> 00:02:23,021
just asked you out,
and you said no.
56
00:02:23,022 --> 00:02:25,982
Well, sorry, Brian,
she just doesn't do it for me.
57
00:02:25,983 --> 00:02:26,983
I'm hungry.
58
00:02:26,984 --> 00:02:28,985
I might grab a bite to eat.
59
00:02:28,986 --> 00:02:30,445
We all just ate, right?
60
00:02:30,446 --> 00:02:32,030
What's wrong with that kid?
61
00:02:32,031 --> 00:02:33,532
Why wouldn't he go out
with that girl?
62
00:02:33,533 --> 00:02:34,450
Who knows? Maybe he's gay.
63
00:02:34,451 --> 00:02:35,742
What? No.
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00:02:35,743 --> 00:02:37,577
Well, you never know.
I say we find out.
65
00:02:37,578 --> 00:02:38,995
You think he could be?
66
00:02:38,996 --> 00:02:40,872
Hey, I've been right
about these things before.
67
00:02:40,873 --> 00:02:43,208
Remember what I said in 2009?
68
00:02:43,209 --> 00:02:45,210
- Bruce Jenner is a man.
- No, Brian.
69
00:02:45,211 --> 00:02:47,712
That's what the press would
have you believe, but he's not.
70
00:02:47,713 --> 00:02:49,464
Bruce Jenner is a woman.
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00:02:49,465 --> 00:02:53,552
An elegant,
beautiful Dutch woman.
72
00:03:00,810 --> 00:03:04,396
Okay, guys, now, the murder took
place down here in the basement,
73
00:03:04,397 --> 00:03:07,524
so it's probably our best shot
at finding something.
74
00:03:07,525 --> 00:03:10,110
I do feel a presence in the air.
75
00:03:10,111 --> 00:03:14,239
Only Lucifer would reveal
himself to you, adulterer.
76
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,366
Well, now, I have
to warn you fellas...
77
00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:20,203
The only spirits I'm used to
chasing are whiskey and tequila.
78
00:03:24,208 --> 00:03:26,794
That's so Joe!
79
00:03:30,047 --> 00:03:32,132
Wow, what's going on down here?
80
00:03:32,133 --> 00:03:33,508
Trying something new for Joe.
81
00:03:33,509 --> 00:03:35,343
And we're looking for ghosts.
82
00:03:35,344 --> 00:03:38,138
We're like the male version
of the female Ghostbusters.
83
00:03:38,139 --> 00:03:40,390
Peter, there's no such thing
as ghosts.
84
00:03:40,391 --> 00:03:43,518
I don't know why you guys
listen to a word he says.
85
00:03:43,519 --> 00:03:46,105
That's so Lois.
86
00:03:48,941 --> 00:03:50,442
All right, we ready?
87
00:03:50,443 --> 00:03:52,277
Wow, it is creepy.
88
00:03:52,278 --> 00:03:53,570
So, what do we do?
89
00:03:53,571 --> 00:03:55,030
Just follow my lead.
90
00:03:55,031 --> 00:03:56,865
Are there any spirits present
91
00:03:56,866 --> 00:03:59,159
that would like
to communicate with us?
92
00:04:01,704 --> 00:04:03,372
What the hell was that?
93
00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:07,167
I got scared and tried to run
through the wall,
94
00:04:07,168 --> 00:04:09,294
leaving a hole shaped like me.
95
00:04:09,295 --> 00:04:11,839
Yeah, can't do that
in a basement, bud.
96
00:04:14,634 --> 00:04:17,469
All right, fellas, I just
finished up an EVP session.
97
00:04:17,470 --> 00:04:19,220
Let's see
if we picked anything up.
98
00:04:19,221 --> 00:04:20,097
What's EVP?
99
00:04:20,098 --> 00:04:21,932
Electronic voice phenomenon.
100
00:04:21,933 --> 00:04:24,684
Oftentimes, the human ear
can't pick up paranormal sounds,
101
00:04:24,685 --> 00:04:26,978
but electronic
recording devices can.
102
00:04:26,979 --> 00:04:29,023
Mm. That right?
103
00:04:43,329 --> 00:04:45,747
Is this whole thing just you
beefing into the microphone?
104
00:04:45,748 --> 00:04:47,332
Yeah.
105
00:04:47,333 --> 00:04:51,628
Dad, they did this bit
in the lady Ghostbusters.
106
00:04:51,629 --> 00:04:53,798
Did you hear something?
107
00:04:57,343 --> 00:05:00,637
Stewie, I'm telling you,
there's no way Chris is gay.
108
00:05:00,638 --> 00:05:02,263
Oh, why,
because he never hit on you?
109
00:05:02,264 --> 00:05:04,599
God, the ego.
110
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:07,060
Hey, Chris. What's up?
111
00:05:07,061 --> 00:05:09,980
Just relaxing, listening to some
of Charles Manson's music.
112
00:05:09,981 --> 00:05:11,564
What's up with you guys?
113
00:05:11,565 --> 00:05:13,942
Actually, Brian and I
are taking a survey,
114
00:05:13,943 --> 00:05:16,069
and we wanted to see
if you had a few minutes.
115
00:05:16,070 --> 00:05:17,070
Sure. Go ahead.
116
00:05:17,071 --> 00:05:18,363
Okay, question one.
117
00:05:18,364 --> 00:05:20,615
What night are the Tony Awards?
118
00:05:20,616 --> 00:05:23,160
Tony Danza has awards?
119
00:05:25,162 --> 00:05:27,497
Name an appropriate price
to pay for jeans.
120
00:05:27,498 --> 00:05:29,875
Um, five dollars?
121
00:05:31,335 --> 00:05:33,086
What year
did Bette Midler release
122
00:05:33,087 --> 00:05:34,587
"You've Got to Have Friends"?
123
00:05:34,588 --> 00:05:36,756
Oh, 1972.
124
00:05:36,757 --> 00:05:40,428
And it was fabulous!
125
00:05:45,141 --> 00:05:46,100
Chris, are you gay?
126
00:05:46,101 --> 00:05:48,476
What? No, I'm not gay.
127
00:05:48,477 --> 00:05:50,395
Well, then why didn't you go out
with that girl?
128
00:05:50,396 --> 00:05:51,938
Why would I?
129
00:05:51,939 --> 00:05:55,775
I have everything I need in
that department on my computer.
130
00:05:55,776 --> 00:05:59,779
You have 28 windows of porn
playing simultaneously?
131
00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:03,241
Sometimes I pretend I'm
at the security desk at the mall
132
00:06:03,242 --> 00:06:06,119
and everyone at the mall
is banging each other.
133
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,579
Chris, don't you see?
134
00:06:07,580 --> 00:06:09,914
You're so desensitized
by all this porn,
135
00:06:09,915 --> 00:06:11,916
you're-you're not
even interested in actual girls.
136
00:06:11,917 --> 00:06:13,793
Wh-What are you doing?
137
00:06:13,794 --> 00:06:15,962
I'm taking this, and we are
gonna help you start thinking
138
00:06:15,963 --> 00:06:17,672
about sex
like a normal teenager.
139
00:06:17,673 --> 00:06:19,340
A-All right,
I'll give it a shot.
140
00:06:19,341 --> 00:06:20,967
But it's not gonna be easy.
141
00:06:20,968 --> 00:06:23,595
I had a hell of a time
getting off sugar.
142
00:06:23,596 --> 00:06:25,055
Chris, can you pass the syrup?
143
00:06:25,056 --> 00:06:27,057
Oh, you want the syrup,
old man?!
144
00:06:32,313 --> 00:06:33,646
Yeah!
145
00:06:36,984 --> 00:06:39,152
Yeah, nice attached head, Meg.
146
00:06:39,153 --> 00:06:41,362
Body, throw potatoes.
147
00:06:42,490 --> 00:06:44,241
Winner declared!
148
00:06:47,661 --> 00:06:50,413
Okay, guys, now, I thought
we could try to find the ghost
149
00:06:50,414 --> 00:06:51,831
by doing the movie Flatliners.
150
00:06:51,832 --> 00:06:53,416
- I've never seen it.
- Me, neither.
151
00:06:53,417 --> 00:06:55,627
Oh, my God. All right, we are
stopping everything right now
152
00:06:55,628 --> 00:06:57,295
and watching Flatliners.
153
00:06:57,296 --> 00:06:59,255
♪ I'm all right... ♪
154
00:06:59,256 --> 00:07:01,382
I'm glad we switched
to Caddyshack.
155
00:07:01,383 --> 00:07:03,760
You know what, Peter, I think
I've had enough ghost hunting.
156
00:07:03,761 --> 00:07:05,428
- I'm done, too.
- Yeah, I'm out.
157
00:07:05,429 --> 00:07:06,971
Wait, why you leaving?
158
00:07:06,972 --> 00:07:08,515
Because all you do
is screw around.
159
00:07:08,516 --> 00:07:11,101
We've been down here for hours,
and we haven't found a thing.
160
00:07:11,102 --> 00:07:13,311
Well, maybe that's because you
guys don't know the first thing
161
00:07:13,312 --> 00:07:14,521
about catching ghosts.
162
00:07:14,522 --> 00:07:15,605
You know what, Lois was right.
163
00:07:15,606 --> 00:07:16,898
We should just
never listen to you.
164
00:07:16,899 --> 00:07:18,316
Come on, guys.
165
00:07:18,317 --> 00:07:20,485
I think you're all just scared.
166
00:07:20,486 --> 00:07:23,404
Oh, yeah?
Let's see who's scared.
167
00:07:23,405 --> 00:07:25,366
What are you doing?
Turn that light back on.
168
00:07:26,242 --> 00:07:27,617
Have a good night, Peter.
169
00:07:27,618 --> 00:07:29,786
Quagmire. Help!
170
00:07:29,787 --> 00:07:30,912
Someone help me!
171
00:07:30,913 --> 00:07:33,081
Hey! Open this door!
172
00:07:33,082 --> 00:07:35,291
Don't leave me alone
with the ghost!
173
00:07:37,503 --> 00:07:40,755
Help! Help!
174
00:07:40,756 --> 00:07:41,965
Help!
175
00:07:41,966 --> 00:07:44,843
Help! Help!
176
00:07:44,844 --> 00:07:49,431
Help! Help!
177
00:07:54,103 --> 00:07:55,186
What the hell?
178
00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:01,985
Peter, are you okay?
179
00:08:01,986 --> 00:08:04,445
I was... down here all night.
180
00:08:04,446 --> 00:08:06,490
So dark.
181
00:08:08,742 --> 00:08:10,910
Oh, my God. Peter, your hair.
182
00:08:10,911 --> 00:08:12,996
It turned white.
183
00:08:12,997 --> 00:08:14,414
What?
184
00:08:14,415 --> 00:08:16,166
♪ ♪
185
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,712
Well, I'm a fat dad
with white hair now.
186
00:08:20,713 --> 00:08:24,340
Time to become an issue
at Hooters after 9:00 p.m.
187
00:08:24,341 --> 00:08:25,592
Hey, Ashley. Ashley.
188
00:08:25,593 --> 00:08:27,594
Ashley.
189
00:08:27,595 --> 00:08:30,264
I know...
I know what car is your car.
190
00:08:37,021 --> 00:08:38,980
So, how'd you get
white hair again?
191
00:08:38,981 --> 00:08:40,982
He was scared of a ghost.
192
00:08:40,983 --> 00:08:43,276
Yes, I remember hearing
about this in med school.
193
00:08:43,277 --> 00:08:44,694
Or was it a Scooby-Doo?
194
00:08:44,695 --> 00:08:46,738
You think it's gonna stay,
Dr. Hartman?
195
00:08:46,739 --> 00:08:48,865
No, it's gonna be
"Dr. Ramirez" now.
196
00:08:48,866 --> 00:08:50,366
I'm taking my husband's name.
197
00:08:50,367 --> 00:08:52,493
I'm talking about Peter's hair.
198
00:08:52,494 --> 00:08:54,579
Oh, I'm sorry.
Wedding on the brain.
199
00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:57,749
But, uh, as for the white hair,
I'm afraid it's permanent.
200
00:08:59,001 --> 00:09:00,585
Hi, sweetie.
201
00:09:00,586 --> 00:09:01,920
We've discussed this.
202
00:09:01,921 --> 00:09:03,421
No to the mole.
203
00:09:03,422 --> 00:09:06,132
Chocolate is for cake,
not chicken.
204
00:09:06,133 --> 00:09:07,759
Oh, come on.
205
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,552
He's crying.
206
00:09:09,553 --> 00:09:12,096
What do I do now?
I mean, should I dye it back?
207
00:09:13,307 --> 00:09:15,058
I don't know why
you'd ask me that.
208
00:09:15,059 --> 00:09:16,976
I mean, I-I don't know anything
about that.
209
00:09:16,977 --> 00:09:18,811
How does one even go about
dyeing one's hair?
210
00:09:18,812 --> 00:09:20,521
I've never heard
of anything so crazy.
211
00:09:20,522 --> 00:09:22,232
Let me get that for you, Doctor.
212
00:09:22,233 --> 00:09:23,900
What? Oh, no, I'm-I'm not a...
213
00:09:23,901 --> 00:09:25,818
Morning, Doctor.
214
00:09:25,819 --> 00:09:27,737
Wow, Peter,
they all think you're a doctor
215
00:09:27,738 --> 00:09:29,447
because of your white hair.
216
00:09:29,448 --> 00:09:32,075
I have to say, it does make you
look more distinguished.
217
00:09:32,076 --> 00:09:34,035
Really? Huh.
218
00:09:34,036 --> 00:09:36,287
Well, maybe this will be
a good thing after all.
219
00:09:36,288 --> 00:09:37,957
Like a garbageman with no nose.
220
00:09:39,708 --> 00:09:42,335
Well, this is the best job
in the world!
221
00:09:42,336 --> 00:09:43,753
Rotting meat?
222
00:09:43,754 --> 00:09:45,546
What does that smell like?
223
00:09:45,547 --> 00:09:47,006
Oh, look, receipts.
224
00:09:47,007 --> 00:09:49,467
I'll steal
this person's identity.
225
00:09:49,468 --> 00:09:52,178
From now on,
I'm Robert Dibadeaux.
226
00:09:52,179 --> 00:09:54,430
So long, stinkies!
227
00:09:54,431 --> 00:09:57,101
Not that I would know.
228
00:09:59,979 --> 00:10:01,980
All right, Chris,
it's gonna take a few steps
229
00:10:01,981 --> 00:10:03,314
to get you off hard-core porn.
230
00:10:03,315 --> 00:10:05,275
Now, the first step
is soft-core porn,
231
00:10:05,276 --> 00:10:06,609
where nothing really happens.
232
00:10:08,112 --> 00:10:11,572
Oh, wow, she is just riding
that guy's belly button.
233
00:10:11,573 --> 00:10:13,616
Yep, that's all we had.
234
00:10:13,617 --> 00:10:16,578
And you could watch this
at any time?
235
00:10:16,579 --> 00:10:19,205
No, just Friday at 11:45 p.m.
236
00:10:19,206 --> 00:10:20,456
And it was free?
237
00:10:20,457 --> 00:10:22,417
No, $45 a month.
238
00:10:22,418 --> 00:10:25,295
Well, what was playing
the other 200 hours per week?
239
00:10:25,296 --> 00:10:27,964
Uh, mostly D.A.R.Y.L.
The movie D.A.R.Y.L.
240
00:10:27,965 --> 00:10:29,132
Was it any good?
241
00:10:29,133 --> 00:10:30,758
It was okay.
242
00:10:30,759 --> 00:10:33,052
Grandpa,
what are you doing here?
243
00:10:33,053 --> 00:10:34,929
Using the bathroom.
Where do you keep the nets
244
00:10:34,930 --> 00:10:36,806
that you put on the bottom
of guys' balls
245
00:10:36,807 --> 00:10:38,766
to stop 'em
from dunking in the water?
246
00:10:38,767 --> 00:10:40,059
- What?
- What do you mean, "What?"
247
00:10:40,060 --> 00:10:42,937
Where do you keep the nets
248
00:10:42,938 --> 00:10:46,941
that you put on the bottom
of guys' balls
249
00:10:46,942 --> 00:10:50,946
to stop them
from dunking in the water?
250
00:10:54,450 --> 00:10:56,576
Oh, there's my silver fox.
251
00:10:56,577 --> 00:10:58,661
What are you doing out here?
252
00:10:58,662 --> 00:11:00,038
Well, now that I've got
white hair,
253
00:11:00,039 --> 00:11:01,873
I fix my car in slow motion
254
00:11:01,874 --> 00:11:04,709
in an ad for a supplemental
blood thinner.
255
00:11:04,710 --> 00:11:06,336
I took Zanbrex
256
00:11:06,337 --> 00:11:07,920
for over 15 years,
257
00:11:07,921 --> 00:11:10,798
till I learned the benefits
of once-daily Sanguelto,
258
00:11:10,799 --> 00:11:12,967
a latest-generation
blood thinner.
259
00:11:12,968 --> 00:11:15,970
When I'm at a multiracial
picnic for some reason,
260
00:11:15,971 --> 00:11:18,348
the last thing I want to do
is have a stroke.
261
00:11:18,349 --> 00:11:20,600
And thanks
to once-daily Sanguelto,
262
00:11:20,601 --> 00:11:23,811
I can eat potato salad
with chuckling strangers
263
00:11:23,812 --> 00:11:25,605
with the confidence
of someone who knows
264
00:11:25,606 --> 00:11:28,816
he's 12% less likely
to suffer a stroke recurrence.
265
00:11:28,817 --> 00:11:30,985
Thanks to Sanguelto,
I can snuggle
266
00:11:30,986 --> 00:11:33,571
with my age-appropriate wife
on a blanket
267
00:11:33,572 --> 00:11:36,074
underneath
non-holiday-related fireworks.
268
00:11:36,075 --> 00:11:38,534
I left her for six weeks
back in 2009,
269
00:11:38,535 --> 00:11:40,536
only to realize
I was already too old
270
00:11:40,537 --> 00:11:42,246
to bed the type of women
271
00:11:42,247 --> 00:11:44,540
that would make
such a separation worth it.
272
00:11:44,541 --> 00:11:46,459
So, here we are, grinding it out
273
00:11:46,460 --> 00:11:48,294
till one of us has
that second stroke
274
00:11:48,295 --> 00:11:50,129
that you don't come back from.
275
00:11:50,130 --> 00:11:52,424
Thank you, Sanguelto.
276
00:11:55,719 --> 00:11:57,053
What's all this?
277
00:11:57,054 --> 00:11:59,222
Well, a lot of kids'
first foray into sex
278
00:11:59,223 --> 00:12:01,349
is looking
at someone else's porn stash.
279
00:12:01,350 --> 00:12:03,726
So, here's a stack
of water-stained Playboys
280
00:12:03,727 --> 00:12:06,437
that I found in a locker
at the town pool bathroom.
281
00:12:06,438 --> 00:12:08,982
Okay, now we're talking.
282
00:12:12,694 --> 00:12:14,695
Wait. I'm clicking
on this thumbnail,
283
00:12:14,696 --> 00:12:16,572
but the video isn't opening.
284
00:12:16,573 --> 00:12:17,949
No, that's a still image.
285
00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:19,325
See, you look at them,
286
00:12:19,326 --> 00:12:22,120
and then your brain sort of
creates a scene for you.
287
00:12:22,121 --> 00:12:24,914
I don't know. I think maybe
we should try something else.
288
00:12:24,915 --> 00:12:26,707
I think
you should give it a shot.
289
00:12:26,708 --> 00:12:29,168
I think we should all
go investigate
290
00:12:29,169 --> 00:12:32,422
the still-unsolved murder
of Doris Billingsly,
291
00:12:32,423 --> 00:12:35,758
who never did anything
but overcook one dinner
292
00:12:35,759 --> 00:12:39,263
in March of 1962.
293
00:12:43,642 --> 00:12:45,436
All right, I got next round.
294
00:12:48,564 --> 00:12:50,064
Hey, Tom, you okay?
295
00:12:50,065 --> 00:12:51,524
She left me.
296
00:12:51,525 --> 00:12:54,360
Another sign from the universe
that I'll never find love.
297
00:12:54,361 --> 00:12:57,448
Hey, come on, pal. There's
plenty of fish in the sea.
298
00:13:01,869 --> 00:13:03,661
Wow.
299
00:13:03,662 --> 00:13:05,997
You're right. There are.
300
00:13:05,998 --> 00:13:08,833
Say, you've got a way about you,
301
00:13:08,834 --> 00:13:11,752
a certain...
trustworthy quality.
302
00:13:11,753 --> 00:13:13,004
You know, we've got an opening
303
00:13:13,005 --> 00:13:14,714
at the station
for a senior analyst.
304
00:13:14,715 --> 00:13:17,091
I think your white hair
would be perfect for it.
305
00:13:17,092 --> 00:13:18,843
Wow. Really? What do I do?
306
00:13:18,844 --> 00:13:21,929
You just act like everyone else
is an idiot and shout over them.
307
00:13:21,930 --> 00:13:23,848
- That way, you can...
- Shut up! I get it!
308
00:13:23,849 --> 00:13:25,391
Terrific.
Hey, why don't you come down
309
00:13:25,392 --> 00:13:26,726
to the station tomorrow and...?
310
00:13:26,727 --> 00:13:29,104
- I know where you work!
- Again, terrific.
311
00:13:30,105 --> 00:13:31,731
Wow, this is awesome.
312
00:13:31,732 --> 00:13:35,151
I haven't been on TV since
I had IBS on The Bachelorette.
313
00:13:35,152 --> 00:13:38,321
Derek,
I had such a magical weekend.
314
00:13:38,322 --> 00:13:40,281
You are truly one of a kind.
315
00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:43,326
And that's why
I've decided to...
316
00:13:43,327 --> 00:13:45,995
Excuse me. Uh, do-do you know
if I'm gonna get a rose?
317
00:13:45,996 --> 00:13:47,788
We're getting to that, Peter.
318
00:13:47,789 --> 00:13:51,250
Derek, that's why I've decided
to give you this rose.
319
00:13:52,711 --> 00:13:55,463
Evan, getting to see
your softer side was truly...
320
00:13:55,464 --> 00:13:56,547
Excuse me.
321
00:13:56,548 --> 00:13:58,341
I hate to be a bother,
but do you...
322
00:13:58,342 --> 00:14:00,259
do you know
if I'll be receiving a rose?
323
00:14:00,260 --> 00:14:01,636
Because if there's, uh,
further delay,
324
00:14:01,637 --> 00:14:03,221
I believe
something's gonna happen
325
00:14:03,222 --> 00:14:05,515
that will put me
out of contention for a rose.
326
00:14:06,975 --> 00:14:08,309
And that thing just happened.
327
00:14:08,310 --> 00:14:09,810
Farewell, and thank you
328
00:14:09,811 --> 00:14:12,022
for feeding me champagne
and shrimp all day.
329
00:14:16,610 --> 00:14:18,236
Reporting live
from Quahog Prison,
330
00:14:18,237 --> 00:14:20,279
I'm Joe Horrigan,
Channel Five News.
331
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,573
Thanks, Joe.
Great reporting, terrible eyes.
332
00:14:22,574 --> 00:14:24,325
Switching gears now,
I'd like to talk
333
00:14:24,326 --> 00:14:26,410
about the crime situation
here in Quahog.
334
00:14:26,411 --> 00:14:29,622
Joining me now is white-haired
contributor Peter Griffin.
335
00:14:29,623 --> 00:14:32,500
Peter, what are you hearing
about crime in Quahog?
336
00:14:32,501 --> 00:14:35,294
Uh... you know, not much.
337
00:14:35,295 --> 00:14:37,923
Not much?
Excuse us for one moment.
338
00:14:39,466 --> 00:14:40,675
- What are you doing?!
- What?
339
00:14:40,676 --> 00:14:42,218
I don't know anything
about crime.
340
00:14:42,219 --> 00:14:44,804
So? People want to know that
bad stuff's going on out there.
341
00:14:44,805 --> 00:14:46,180
That's why they watch the news.
342
00:14:46,181 --> 00:14:48,391
- You want me to make stuff up?
- I don't know.
343
00:14:48,392 --> 00:14:50,393
I thought you had white hair.
344
00:14:50,394 --> 00:14:53,479
- You're right, I do.
- Of course you do.
345
00:14:56,108 --> 00:14:58,150
Now, you were talking
about crime?
346
00:14:58,151 --> 00:15:00,152
Crime is way up,
and you know why?
347
00:15:00,153 --> 00:15:01,445
'Cause of immigrants.
348
00:15:01,446 --> 00:15:02,989
I say, as Americans,
349
00:15:02,990 --> 00:15:05,616
we should all take a pledge
to kick 'em out.
350
00:15:05,617 --> 00:15:08,996
Only pledge I stand for
is Lemon Pledge.
351
00:15:15,377 --> 00:15:18,588
Peter Griffin, white hair, very
credible, thank you so much.
352
00:15:18,589 --> 00:15:21,215
Coming up,
lost dog comes home...
353
00:15:21,216 --> 00:15:23,509
one piece at a time.
354
00:15:27,723 --> 00:15:29,807
Peter, that was amazing.
355
00:15:29,808 --> 00:15:31,475
I'm the news director
here at Channel Five.
356
00:15:31,476 --> 00:15:34,020
How would you like to do
what you just did every night?
357
00:15:34,021 --> 00:15:35,605
Wipe a bloody booger
under the desk?
358
00:15:35,606 --> 00:15:37,773
No, I'm asking you
to join us full-time
359
00:15:37,774 --> 00:15:39,567
to be our permanent
senior analyst.
360
00:15:39,568 --> 00:15:42,194
Would you excuse me
while I step into another room
361
00:15:42,195 --> 00:15:45,490
and celebrate like a girl in a
rom-com who just got good news?
362
00:15:47,951 --> 00:15:50,286
Aah! The Sanguelto!
363
00:15:50,287 --> 00:15:52,623
My blood's thinner than water!
364
00:15:54,124 --> 00:15:56,042
If taking Sanguelto,
365
00:15:56,043 --> 00:15:58,461
please refrain
from dancing like in a rom-com,
366
00:15:58,462 --> 00:16:00,296
as nosebleeds may be permanent.
367
00:16:00,297 --> 00:16:03,132
And remember, most drugs
are prescribed to you
368
00:16:03,133 --> 00:16:05,384
because a hot girl
with a rolling suitcase
369
00:16:05,385 --> 00:16:07,387
gave your doctor a free pen.
370
00:16:15,187 --> 00:16:17,480
Peter, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
371
00:16:17,481 --> 00:16:20,358
Who says you can just make
things up and call them facts?
372
00:16:20,359 --> 00:16:22,318
Tom Tucker did.
He kissed me.
373
00:16:22,319 --> 00:16:24,695
You have a responsibility
as a member of the press
374
00:16:24,696 --> 00:16:26,906
to report the news accurately.
375
00:16:26,907 --> 00:16:30,618
You can't just say crazy things
that aren't in any way true.
376
00:16:30,619 --> 00:16:34,122
Yeah, leave that
to the yahoos in D.C.
377
00:16:35,123 --> 00:16:37,333
- Did that get a "That's So Joe"?
- No!
378
00:16:37,334 --> 00:16:39,043
Okay, well,
what are the rules on that?
379
00:16:39,044 --> 00:16:40,753
We're still working that out.
380
00:16:40,754 --> 00:16:43,130
Well, let me know
when you decide on the rules.
381
00:16:43,131 --> 00:16:46,008
I'm really excited
about working on this.
382
00:16:46,009 --> 00:16:47,928
With you guys.
383
00:16:51,973 --> 00:16:54,642
Chris, welcome
to the lingerie department.
384
00:16:54,643 --> 00:16:56,102
What are we doing here?
385
00:16:56,103 --> 00:16:58,688
When I was young, seeing
these half-naked mannequins
386
00:16:58,689 --> 00:17:00,398
was all I needed
to get me going.
387
00:17:00,399 --> 00:17:01,816
What's the endgame here...
388
00:17:01,817 --> 00:17:03,693
Him walking around Macy's
with a chub?
389
00:17:03,694 --> 00:17:05,903
No, we've got
to reset his arousal meter.
390
00:17:05,904 --> 00:17:08,489
He needs to be able
to use his imagination again.
391
00:17:08,490 --> 00:17:10,616
Any of these mannequins
doing anything for you, Chris?
392
00:17:10,617 --> 00:17:12,618
Uh, I don't know.
393
00:17:12,619 --> 00:17:15,329
I guess the one
without a head is pretty cool.
394
00:17:15,330 --> 00:17:17,373
All right, that's...
that's something.
395
00:17:17,374 --> 00:17:20,751
And that bin of chopped-up ones
over there... that could be okay.
396
00:17:20,752 --> 00:17:23,796
'Specially the one
that looks kind of afraid.
397
00:17:23,797 --> 00:17:25,840
There you go. Look at you.
398
00:17:25,841 --> 00:17:28,008
Sounds like someone is ready
for that date.
399
00:17:28,009 --> 00:17:29,385
Do you gentlemen need any help?
400
00:17:29,386 --> 00:17:30,845
No, thank you, dear.
401
00:17:30,846 --> 00:17:33,515
We're just trying
to get my brother to full mast.
402
00:17:36,351 --> 00:17:39,311
We want to welcome back our new
permanent senior analyst,
403
00:17:39,312 --> 00:17:41,313
Peter Griffin
and his white hair.
404
00:17:41,314 --> 00:17:43,107
What's the latest
on crime in Quahog?
405
00:17:43,108 --> 00:17:45,526
- Tom, crime is up.
- Wow. How high?
406
00:17:45,527 --> 00:17:48,029
- All the way to the top.
- Whoa. The top.
407
00:17:48,030 --> 00:17:50,531
Has it ever been all the way
to the top before, Peter?
408
00:17:50,532 --> 00:17:52,783
Never. In fact,
we had to raise the top.
409
00:17:52,784 --> 00:17:55,494
So, the new top is even higher
than the old top?
410
00:17:55,495 --> 00:17:57,288
Yes, the old top
is now the middle.
411
00:17:57,289 --> 00:17:58,998
And The Middle is a show
412
00:17:58,999 --> 00:18:01,584
that was inexplicably on ABC
for a very long time.
413
00:18:01,585 --> 00:18:03,002
How many seasons?
414
00:18:03,003 --> 00:18:05,254
It might be, like, 11.
I'm not even kidding.
415
00:18:05,255 --> 00:18:08,049
Peter Griffin, white hair, very
credible, thank you so much.
416
00:18:08,050 --> 00:18:10,259
Coming up,
we'll tell you where to look
417
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:13,013
when a person has a birthmark
on their face.
418
00:18:17,017 --> 00:18:19,602
So, Chris, have you weaned
yourself off of Internet porn?
419
00:18:19,603 --> 00:18:22,813
Wait. I thought the whole point
was to not wean myself off.
420
00:18:22,814 --> 00:18:25,858
No, Chris, I mean,
have you stopped...? Never mind.
421
00:18:25,859 --> 00:18:28,277
- You ready for your date?
- You bet I am!
422
00:18:32,324 --> 00:18:33,908
Hi, Chris.
423
00:18:34,910 --> 00:18:36,702
Hi, Kristen.
424
00:18:36,703 --> 00:18:39,163
Ready to see a Marvel movie,
'cause I chose?
425
00:18:39,164 --> 00:18:41,582
Sure. And for sure
this is a real date,
426
00:18:41,583 --> 00:18:42,917
and me and the popular kids
427
00:18:42,918 --> 00:18:45,711
aren't gonna
thrill-kill you tonight.
428
00:18:45,712 --> 00:18:48,380
I think
Chris is gonna be just fine.
429
00:18:51,510 --> 00:18:54,178
Which is more than I can say
for our pizza.
430
00:18:56,890 --> 00:18:58,391
Oh, man.
431
00:19:06,316 --> 00:19:08,818
Well, I hope you're happy.
432
00:19:08,819 --> 00:19:12,029
You're telling lies on the news
just to boost your own ego.
433
00:19:12,030 --> 00:19:13,864
It's pronounced "Eggo," Lois,
434
00:19:13,865 --> 00:19:15,991
and I will thank you
to leggo of mine.
435
00:19:15,992 --> 00:19:17,827
Peter, fake news
is a real problem
436
00:19:17,828 --> 00:19:19,537
in this country right now,
437
00:19:19,538 --> 00:19:22,581
and I really don't want
my husband contributing to it.
438
00:19:22,582 --> 00:19:24,458
Maybe you're right.
439
00:19:24,459 --> 00:19:26,752
It doesn't feel good
lying all the time.
440
00:19:26,753 --> 00:19:28,379
I guess I just like
all the attention
441
00:19:28,380 --> 00:19:30,130
that came along
with having white hair.
442
00:19:30,131 --> 00:19:32,842
Well, I don't think that's
the kind of attention you want.
443
00:19:32,843 --> 00:19:34,844
And it's certainly not
the kind of attention
444
00:19:34,845 --> 00:19:36,387
I want for our family.
445
00:19:36,388 --> 00:19:39,181
You know what?
If it means that much to you,
446
00:19:39,182 --> 00:19:41,350
I'll tell Tom
that I won't do it anymore.
447
00:19:41,351 --> 00:19:43,352
- Really?
- Really.
448
00:19:43,353 --> 00:19:45,855
Oh, Peter,
that makes me so happy.
449
00:19:48,358 --> 00:19:50,276
Hello? Donald Trump?!
450
00:19:50,277 --> 00:19:52,027
You saw me on the news?
451
00:19:52,028 --> 00:19:55,114
You want me to be your press
secretary in the next episode?
452
00:19:55,115 --> 00:19:56,657
Why, sure, I'd love to!
453
00:19:56,658 --> 00:19:58,826
We'll get started drawing it
right away.
454
00:19:58,827 --> 00:20:00,327
Lois, pack your bags.
455
00:20:00,328 --> 00:20:03,497
We're joining
the Trump Administration.
456
00:20:09,212 --> 00:20:11,714
Just what Washington needs, huh?
457
00:20:11,715 --> 00:20:13,632
Another talking head.
458
00:20:15,510 --> 00:20:17,721
Oh, man.
459
00:20:21,016 --> 00:20:22,933
Next week on Family Guy...
460
00:20:22,934 --> 00:20:25,769
Hey, Dad, I want you
to meet my new friend, Meg.
461
00:20:25,770 --> 00:20:29,273
Pleased to meet you, Meg.
You have a beautiful rack.
462
00:20:29,274 --> 00:20:30,482
Oh, thanks.
463
00:20:30,483 --> 00:20:32,777
I was talking to my daughter.
464
00:20:39,868 --> 00:20:43,120
And now, please welcome
Mr. Bruce Jenner.
465
00:20:59,804 --> 00:21:02,599
Just wanted to remind you fellas
what you're all fighting for.
466
00:21:33,630 --> 00:21:35,590
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