All language subtitles for The.Kids.Are.Alright.S01E06.HDTV.x264-SVA[eztv]-eng

ADULT TIMMY: During the day,
my parents were fine

with us kids wandering
the streets like feral cats.

It was the '70s,
and there were a lot of us.

But at night, they couldn't sleep

until all of us were home,

in absolutely no danger of
being out having any fun.

♪♪

[Objects clatter]

♪♪

♪♪

[Objects clatter]

[Sighs]

[Grunts]

Eddie. You, me, Confession.

- Let's go.
- [Grunts] I'm good.

No. You're not.

I'll go to Confession with you.

Have you done anything wrong?

No.

Then how about we don't waste
Father Dunne's time.

[Doorbell rings]

TIMMY: Mercy! Ow, ow.

[Glass shatters]

See, that rough-housing
and your father's income

is why we can't have nice things.

Oh, Mrs. Strausser.

Uh, listen, I gave Mike your petition

about the new Persians
in the neighborhood,

but I don't know
if he's looked at it yet.

Well, I'm not here about that.

But I'm going to Bakersfield for a week,

and I wondered if the boys
could do a little yard work.

Working for Mrs. Strausser was sweet.

Mrs. Strausser's here. Ka-ching!

Joey took his cut and then subcontracted

the actual work to me and William...

everyone getting their beaks wet.

Hello, Mrs. Strausser.
Always such a pleasure.

- Hello, Eddie.
- PEGGY: Joey.

- Joey. [Whispers] Sorry.
- Oh, gosh, don't be.

Hardly matters which one they are.

Mrs. Strausser's going away
for a week...

I know the drill. A little yard work...
raking, watering,

pull the occasional
dead squirrel from the birdbath.

And no more bringing them home
to make into puppets.

I thought that was gonna be
a better idea than it was.

Now, was that $5 or $6 last time?

I believe you insisted on $10.

That won't be necessary, ma'am.

Where'd you come from? Always lurking.

- I'd be happy to do it for free.
- What the...

I think neighbors should be neighborly,

and a good deed is its own reward.

He spreads it on a little thick,

but he's saving you 10 bucks.

That's very kind of you, Frank.

Thank you, ma'am.

Oh, and was that petition

Persian people or Persian cats?

It might make a difference to Mike.

Hey, d-bag,

thanks for screwing me over
on the Strausser job.

I'm being a decent human being.

You should try it sometime.

Uh, pass-adena.

What's really going on here?

I don't see the upside
of doing free yard work

for some dumb, old lady.

Eileen Strausser has a degree

in Library Science from
Cal State Fullerton.

We should all be so dumb.

It's very upsetting you know all that.

She makes a nice sun tea.

We talk.

You notice how I ease down when I stop?

It's less wear on the brake shoes...

instead of stomping on them like an ape

the way you kids do.

I see.

- I'll definitely try to...
- I was your age once, too, you know.

Also interested in the company of girls.

It's a normal, built-in thing.

Hmm. But 3:00 a.m.?

- Dad, Wendi and I haven't...
- I don't want to know.

That nonsense is between

you and Father Dunne
in the confessional.

It's the value I get
for my donation plate dollar.

Talk it through with a priest...

like you would any other sin.

Just like you'd have
to confess it if, say,

you stole or you murdered
or you, I don't know,

walked into Parson's Pharmacy today,

bought a pack of condoms.

All those things...
stealing, murder, rubbers...

all mortal sins,

equally condemned by me and by God.

They keep them behind the counter,

so you have to ask the guy.

But it's wrong.

Can't emphasize that enough.

Wrong and behind the counter.

[Sighs]

Bottom line...
you get in the confessional

and you spill your guts.

Clean slate.

That's why Jesus died...

so the Catholics get do-overs.

- [Church bell tolling]
- How about that?

Parson's Pharmacy is just a block away.

Huh.

[Car door opens, closes]

[Chuckles] Look here.

Marmaduke dragged spaghetti
all over the house,

once again affirming my decision

that we do not want a dog.

Did you make a note of what time

our son got home last night?

I have eight sons.

It's so real when I say it.

Eddie, the one with a girlfriend.

No one cares how late Pat stays out

trying to make friends with that possum.

We need to clamp down on Eddie.

I dealt with him on that.

You dealt with him?

Yeah. I know what time he came home.

We talked. It's been handled.

My father had been very pleased

with his delicate handling of Eddie.

But he knew if my mom found out
what he told Eddie,

she would not share his enthusiasm.

You're sure you said enough?

I said the exact right number of words.

- [Scoffs]
- You're gonna have to give me

some latitude on this one, Peg.

It's not the kind of thing

where a boy wants to include his mom.

PAT: Guys, come on! I'm coming up!

- [Clicks tongue, scoffs]
- [Door opens]

Pat! Get down from there!

You're gonna break your neck!

You'll get a wheelchair for Christmas
instead of a Big Wheel.

I'm getting a Big Wheel?

No! Now get down!

Let the boy climb a tree, Peg.

- He'll fall.
- And survive and learn something.

- That's how it works with boys and trees.
- Oh.

One falls out of the other
and everybody ends up fine.

Is that what you said to Eddie, too?

It's okay if he falls off Wendi?

[Sighs] I gave him enough facts

so he could work things out for himself.

You trust Eddie to work things out?

He's the most like Marmaduke
of all our sons.

Why read the comics if you're
not gonna learn from them?

It's better than babying them
like you do.

- Oh.
- This crazy new fad

of supervising your kids?

I want these boys leaving this house,

standing on their own two feet,

in their own two shoes
that I won't have to pay for.

I saw this "ABC After School Special"

on ABC after school one day,

and this handsome, young couple

had to give up their dream
of being an ice dancing team

because she was skating for two.

That won't happen,
not with Eddie's weak ankles.

He can't skate worth crap.

They ended up in a trailer park in Iowa!

Now, what did you say to Eddie?

[Slams newspaper] I said enough, Peg.

Now leave it alone.

It's been handled.

My dad laid down the law.

He made it very clear he didn't want her

discussing this topic with Eddie...

- [Doorbell rings]
- [Sighs]

...but he didn't say anything
about Eddie's girlfriend.

[Gasps] Wendi.

How nice to see you.

Come on in.

♪♪

TIMMY: Why's he doing this?

It's like a billion degrees out there.

Who's he trying to impress?

Mom was there when he took the job.

Maybe Frank's sucking up to Mom.

- What does that get him?
- Love.

Pfft. That's dumb.

Mom has to love us no matter what.

Dad, too. We've got them over a barrel.

Maybe it's because of
Father Dunne's sermon on Sunday.

No idea. I was busy playing pew-footsie

with Kathy Petrillo.

It was about how God is impressed

by selfless acts of kindness.

Maybe Frank is doing a pure, good deed.

Not buying it. He's got an angle.

- But Father Dunne said...
- Dunne probably has an angle, too.

Either way, you guys
should be freaking out.

Uh, what if this whole
working-for-free scam catches on?

Everybody helping everybody.

What kind of a world is that?

- A utopia?
- Exactly!

It screws up things for all of us.

Timmy, how would you like it

if Frank put on free puppet shows?

He doesn't have the imagination
or the dexterity.

But parents are cheap,
so if he doesn't charge,

there goes the money
for your tap dance lessons.

- I need those!
- You think Frank cares?

He's not a friend of musical theater.

And what about you?

What if one of those
stupid books you like comes out

and you can't afford to buy it?

The library is free.

The library is disgusting.

It's where books go to get boogered.

I try to pretend those are insects.

We need our neighborhood chore money.

And the bottom will fall out
of that economy

if we don't stop Frank.

So who's with me?

- I'm in!
- Me, too!

I like the enthusiasm.

I might have a couple
of side projects for you.

Another date with Wendi?

Her folks are out of town.

We've got the place to ourselves.

Pretty sure I'm gonna get lucky.

"Lucky"? Wow.

It's not the most enlightened attitude.

This is a girl you care about, man,

not a blackjack table.

I meant I just feel lucky
to be dating her.

You were talking about sex.

Whoa! Nice talk, seminarian.

- You take Communion with that mouth?
- It's a new day, man.

You know, we need to start being
more open about sexuality.

Now you just made the word longer.

Have you even consulted Wendi
about your plans for tonight?

No. We don't talk about that stuff.

- She's a nice girl.
- That's old thinking, man.

You don't want to be all uptight
like Mom and Dad.

You keep it real with Wendi,

it's gonna make your connection
that much deeper

- when the two of you...
- Please don't say it.

I was just gonna say "make love."

Ugh, that's the worst one of all.

And now I add the flavor packet.

Of course, you won't have
to learn all this, college girl.

You'll have fancy maids sprinkling

your flavor packets for you.

Well, I am hoping to have a career.

Don't let anything derail that, dear.

Hate to see you make a shameful mistake

and end up in some trailer park in Iowa.

What? Why am I in Iowa?

Exactly what Pamela Sue Martin
said in "Dancing On Thin Ice."

- [Telephone rings]
- Who on Earth

would be calling me right now?

[Door opens]

Uh, Wendi.

Uh, Eddie and I were
just talking about you.

I mean, nothing in particular,

just... [Clears throat]
life in all its wonders.

Put 'er there.

[Both chuckle]

Uh...

Cleary residence.

Mrs. Cleary, Bob Parson.
Parson's Pharmacy.

Oh, hello, Bob.

I just thought you might be interested

that... your son Eddie came in today.

And he purchased...

Really? I see.

He bought Binaca, too,
so connect those dots.

Uh, plus a Mars bar...

I'm not sure yet how that factors in.

I'll take it from here. Thank you.

[Receiver clacks]

So... what do you and Eddie
have planned for tonight?

Uh, nothing special.

Well, that's ideal

'cause I've suddenly got
an extra $9 ticket

to the church fashion show.

It's for spina bifida. Should be fun.

Oh, you're here.

Yeah. Hey.

We've just been having
gobs of fun without ya.

It's like, "Who needs Eddie?" Not us.

I'm so glad you brought this one home.

She's like the daughter I always wanted

who made it to full term.

So, what exactly did you have
planned for her tonight?

Bowling?

Bowling? [Scoffs] That's dumb.

We're going to the fashion show instead.

That's awfully minty breath for bowling.

Was Frank really working
so hard for Mrs. Strausser

just to be a good person?

His only reward some small talk

while sipping sun tea
with a retired librarian?

Who's to say?

Not in a pile.

Kick 'em around.

The possibility so offended Joey

that he decided to sabotage him.

Where's William?

I don't think he's coming.

Pat, you've been promoted
to spreading dog poo.

Yay!

You got all of this from dogs?

- Mostly.
- [Leaves rustling]

♪ She's a lady ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ She's a lady ♪

That pantsuit is so chic.

She looks like the Charlie girl.

I'm not so sure about these hemlines.

Why buy the cow if the cow
is dressed like a strumpet?

It's fun, if the girl feels confident.

She'd have to feel confident

that she's wearing clean underpants.

And those platform shoes...

I enjoy being as tall as Eddie.

But teetering around
on crazy circus shoes

seems unnecessarily risky
for young girls.

Almost as risky as having
pre-marital relations.

Well, now that you've got us
talking about that...

are you fornicating with my Eddie?

Wow. Uh, I was really enjoying
talking about shoes.

[Exhales sharply]
Mrs. Cleary, uh, Eddie and I

have never done any of that
and we have no plans to.

You may not have plans to,
honey, but he does.

Intimate relations is
this irrational drive with men.

They use it to feel less alone,

and so they can pretend to be part

of this whole creating-life thing,

which we basically do without them.

I like that poncho.
I'd wear that. Mm-hmm.

I think "intimate relations"
can be a drive for women, too.

- [Scoffs]
- Not a drive I plan to do anything about

until I'm in a committed relationship.

You mean the Sacrament of Marriage.

Anything less is just trying
to pull a fast one on Jesus.

Plus, you don't get the tax benefits.

But I don't like this notion
that all men

are just trying to get something,

and it's our job to resist.

That's how it's always been.

Men like making the first move.

[Paso doble music plays]

♪♪

[Gargles]

♪♪

Women should also feel comfortable

asking for what they want.

After marriage.

That's certainly a very 1970s idea.

Well, it is the 1970s.

I suppose.

Things are changing.

That's good for women like us.

I guess I could be more open to change.

[Indistinct conversations, laughter]

I'm home.

Hey.

What's going on?

Watching Johnny.

Really funny "Carnac" tonight.
[Chuckles]

[As Ed McMahon] "You are correct, sir!"

- [Chuckles]
- [Chuckles flatly]

I was thinking maybe we should...

- [On TV] ...Don Rickles.
- ...go to bed early.

Oh, you go ahead. Rickles is coming up,

and then, uh, Sammy Davis Jr. after.

So, you know.

Mm.

["La Virgen de la Macarena" plays on TV]

♪♪

[Gargling, swishing]

♪♪

♪♪

[TV clicks]

♪♪

Guys, I saw Frank heading over
to Strausser's place.

When he sees what we did last night,

he's gonna drop a load.

I might need a new grocery bag.

I even threw some poo
over the fence into our yard.

You really don't get this, do you?

I don't, but I love it!

You guys are my best friends!

Did you wash your hands?

[Pot clacking]

We ran out of bacon,

so I dipped some jerky in syrup.

I think I invented a thing.

Hey, uh... about last night.

You know, you wanting to...

- Are you complaining?
- No.

Uh, heck no. [Chuckles]

I-I... It's just new.

We usually don't do "new."

Well, you like your new maple jerky,

don't ya?

It's a little scary.

♪♪

- Hey.
- WENDI: Hey.

I'm sorry about last night...

me going off with your mom.

I don't know. Maybe it was for the best.

I was talking about you and me
with Lawrence...

What about "you and me"?

I had been cooking up
all these plans in my head

about you and me having,
you know, s-e-x,

but it hadn't even occurred
to me to talk to you.

Well, if you keep spelling out
the naughty words,

it might be a very long talk.

I guess I'm just curious
what in particular

aroused your interest.

Is it because I asked
about your day earlier?

Because I could do that more often.

Just been thinking about how
things are changing for women.

And some of it's good...
running marathons

and having our own brand of cigarettes.

- Hmm.
- But it was also something Wendi said.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

you're talking to Eddie's girlfriend

about our s-e-x activities?

Wendi is a very smart,
modern young woman.

If she's smart,
what's she doing with Eddie?

[Gulps]

Hmm.

Maybe me messing up like this

is an indication
that we just aren't ready yet.

Maybe. Or... maybe not.

What do you mean?

I was also thinking we weren't ready.

I was waiting to feel respected...

waiting for you to grow up,

which now that we've
talked it through a bit,

maybe you have.

Oh, I've definitely grown up.

I've grown up so much,

I already hate all the music

these kids are listening to these days.
It's just noise.

[Chuckles]

JOEY: There he is.

It's happening. It's happening!

What the...

JOEY: Oh, here come the waterworks!

I almost feel bad for him.

Wait. What's he doing?

He's just going back to work.

But where's the tears?

Where's the rage?!

It's like when the Whos
down in Whoville still sang

even though they didn't get presents.

Well, I'm not done yet.

Wait for it...

FRANK: Whoa!

[Laughter]

JOEY: Bull's-eye!

William?!

What is going on?

- [Grunts]
- You good?

Yeah. Thanks, buddy.

Joey stood and he watched,

not knowing what to do

as his brothers raked leaves
and great piles of poo.

Then a sound rose up
from the yard down below.

It started in low,
then it started to grow...

♪ Strausser's yard work,
Strausser's yard work ♪

♪ Welcome hard work ♪

♪ Do all day ♪

BOTH: ♪ Strausser's yard work ♪

♪ Strausser's yard work ♪

♪ Welcome hard work for no pay ♪

Up in his tree house,
Joey puzzled and puzzed.

He just couldn't fathom
why Frank did what he does-ed.

♪ Welcome, welcome,
yard work, hard work ♪

♪ Raking leaves will be our task ♪

♪ As long as we have rakes to grasp ♪

Then Joey thought a new thought
he hadn't before.

Maybe it was a good feeling
Frank got from this chore.

The kind of good feeling
you can't buy from a store.

Guess Frank really was just
doing that out of kindness.

Plus, I suppose
it's like Father Dunne said...

good deeds help eliminate
temporal punishment.

♪ As long as we have rakes to grasp ♪

What's that?

Well, selfless deeds
help reduce the amount of time

you have to spend in purgatory
after you die.

The more good deeds, the quicker
you get into Heaven.

And what happened then?

Well, at our house they say

Joey's tiny heart
shrunk three sizes that day.

- So that's his angle.
- ♪ Yard work, hard work... ♪

This bum is scamming
to get into Heaven before me.

I'll be cooling my heels in purgatory

while he's tossing a football
with Abe Lincoln?!

No way.

Lemons!

♪ Hard work, yard work ♪

♪ Wel... ♪

Wh...

- Nice!
- Keep 'em coming.

- PAT: You got it, boss!
- Ah.

- [Laughs]
- Take cover!

TIMMY: Nice!

Clean up those lemons, Frank!

Take that, Frank!

- Good shot!
- Eat it!

Cut it out, Joey! I see you!

- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Ohh!

- [Laughs] Nice!
- Nailed it!

Alright, that tears it!

♪♪

Oh, no! She bought that during
a sabbatical in Santa Fe!

Why do you know these things?!

You guys are all dead! [Growls]

He's coming. Crap!

Let's get out of here!

[Screams, whimpers]

I wasn't talking to Wendi about us.

It was about things
she's doing with Eddie.

Damn it! I told you that
Eddie business was handled.

Why couldn't you keep
your nose out of it?

Because it wasn't handled.

Did you know he bought rubbers?

Yes. I gave him some information
in that area,

but I sent him to Confession after,

so it's like it never happened.

Great, now Father Dunne
will know I failed

and stink-eye me from the altar.

Like it or not, he's a teenage boy.

We have to let him
work stuff out for himself.

Teenage boys are idiots, Mike,

and Eddie's not even cream of that crop.

[Boys scream]

[Frank roars]

PAT: Help!

Alright, Pat. You're okay.

- I'll catch you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened to letting them
work things out for themselves?

- That doesn't apply to this.
- Sure.

I "gave him the information"

not to climb up there, remember?

Now, according to your thinking,

- let things play out.
- This is different.

Eddie's 18. He can handle more.

- But Eddie's consequences are worse.
- Are you kidding?!

From that height, Pat could
break his legs or even die.

I could die?!

Mind your own business! Adults talking.

Honey, you're a great mom,

and you want to protect your kids...

I'm slipping!

What did I say?

...but it has to be case-by-case.

Sometimes, maybe we do weigh in,

and sometimes, we have
to let these idiots

make the dumb decisions
they're going to make

- and just hope for Divine providence.
- [Branch snaps]

- [Screams, grunts]
- [Sighs]

Okay.

That makes sense.

What?

Really?

You mean I won one?

- You convinced me.
- Wow.

With this and last night,
you're full of surprises.

What did I tell you
about going up there?

- Sorry.
- You could've broken your neck,

and then how would you
walk around Disneyland?

We're going to Disneyland?!

No. [Scoffs]

[Sighs]

What was all that crying
and yelling about earlier?

Oh, the kids were whipping
snakes at each other.

Again?

Where do they keep getting...
Never mind.

Snakes weren't poisonous, I don't think,

so I stayed out of it.

Like I said, Peg, you're a great mom.

TV ANNOUNCER: Can Scope handle
your bad breath?

WOMAN: Watch out, honey. Morning breath.

MAN: Try my Scope!

[Gargling]

Mmm. Minty.

- [Both gargling]
- [Exhales]

Scope mouthwash tackles
morning breath...

the worst breath of the day.

- You wanna turn in?
- Sure.

[Paso doble music plays]

♪♪

[TV clicks]

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com